cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
— yung karen (@haleysfalling) August 12, 2014
iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) August 12, 2014
If a coworker tells you they've been sick and you don't reply with "A bug's been going around" you're instantly fired.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 12, 2014
Successful presidents blame their predecessors in Year One. If you're still doing it in Year Six, you've given up.
— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 12, 2014
Coffee to change what I can, and wine to accept what I can't.
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) August 12, 2014
It's not racist to ask me if I would like some watermelon but it is racist when you ask and don't have any watermelon
— Sam Ike (@TheSamIke) August 12, 2014
First Date Tip: 1) Wait for check to arrive 2) Insist on paying like a gentleman 3) Lock eyes 4) Slowly open Velcro wallet for 58 minutes
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) August 12, 2014
If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and silently beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 12, 2014
Hey man you hear about that new truth serum? Its got everybody talking
— Fashion josh (@verycozy) August 12, 2014