(A parody of the “Private Pyle Snaps” scene from Full Metal Jacket (NSFW); written and submitted by Tinman [High Praise!])
The REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE sleeps. CRUZ walks slowly down the rank and file with a flashlight.
CRUZ (internal dialogue): Our last year under OBAMA. I throw my hat into the ring.
CRUZ hears a muffled sound. He isn’t sure where it comes from. He slowly enters the primaries.
REPUBLICAN PRIMARY-JANUARY 2016
Running his flashlight across Iowa CRUZ sees TRUMP sitting on a toilet, loading a magazine for his M-14 rifle. The rifle has the name POPULISM painted crudely down its stock.
TRUMP looks up at CRUZ and smiles. It is a disturbing smile.
TRUMP (in a creepy voice): Hi, Ted.
CRUZ stares at TRUMP for few seconds. TRUMP has quite clearly snapped.
CRUZ: Is that… your platform?
TRUMP: 762 promises, not one I’ll keep.
TRUMP smile grotesquely.
CRUZ: Donald… if the CONSERVATIVE BASE comes in here and catches us, we’ll both be in a world of HILLARY.
TRUMP: I am… in a world… of HILLARY!
TRUMP gets to his feet, snaps his rifle to port arms and starts executing the Manual of Populism.
TRUMP (shouting): Make America great again … yeah! ISIS is afraid of me… yeah! HILLARY CLINTON was a birther… yeah!
TRUMP picks up the loaded magazine of campaign promises, inserts it into the rifle named POPULISM, and smartly brings the rifle to the order-arms position.
TRUMP (shouting): We want to have a border! We want to have a wall! I will make Mexico pay for it! And ban all the Muslims from coming in!
By now the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE is awake and taking notice.
The CONSERVATIVE BASE bursts from its slumber, wearing I [Heart] RON skivvies, tee-shirt, and GOP hat.
TRUMP: (off-screen) I am what’s best for America! Let’s make America great again!
CONSERVATIVE BASE (shouts to the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE): Get back in your bunks!
REPUBLICAN PRIMARY-MARCH 2016
The CONSERVATIVE BASE bursts into the primary.
CONSERVATIVE BASE: What is with this Mickey Mouse liberalism? What in the name of Ronald W. Reagan are you animals doing in my primary?
CONSERVATIVE BASE (to CRUZ): Why is Candidate TRUMP even in the running after Iowa?! Why is Candidate TRUMP spouting all that nonsense? Why are you not stomping Candidate TRUMP’s guts out?
CRUZ: Sir, it is the candidate’s duty to inform the CONSERVATIVE BASE that Candidate TRUMP has a full magazine of populist ammo and is leading in all the polls, sir!
The CONSERVATIVE BASE and TRUMP look at each other. TRUMP continues to smile from his commanding position at the head of the polls.
The CONSERVATIVE BASE focuses all of its considerable powers of intimidation into its best John-Wayne-on-The-Sands-of-Iwo-Jima voice.
CONSERVATIVE BASE: Now you listen to me, TRUMP, and you listen good. I want that weapon, and I want it now. You will place the rifle of POPULISM on the deck at your feet and you will step back out of the Republican primary race.
With a twisted smile, TRUMP points his weapon at the CONSERVATIVE BASE.
CONSERVATIVE BASE: What is your major malfunction, ferret-face?!! Have you not destroyed enough businesses that now you have to ruin all of America? Didn’t mommy and daddy pay for your hair implants?
The CONSERVATIVE BASE is hit in the chest by a round of low-information voters. It falls back dead.
CRUZ and TRUMP stand looking at the dead body.
Then TRUMP looks at CRUZ and slowly raises his rifle, threatening to sue CRUZ over his citizenship.
CRUZ (trembling): Easy, Donald. I’ll settle for VP.
TRUMP breathes heavily, and keeps the rifle aimed at CRUZ through the remainder of the primaries. CRUZ is scared spitless.
CRUZ (still trembling): Or Secretary of State. How about Ambassador to Canada?
TRUMP stares down CRUZ through the Republican Convention, but afterwards TRUMP begins to slide ever faster in the polls during the months before the general election.
TRUMP stumbles back and sits down heavily as his campaign goes down the toilet. He stares into space as he self-destructs by putting POPULISM into his own big mouth.
CRUZ (shouting): No! If the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE had only picked me!
TRUMP loses the general election explosively, leaving the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE to clean up the mess and to endure eight years of President HILLARY CLINTON that easily could have been avoided.
SCENE FADES TO BLACK.