Instead of being locked inside, misbehaving “guests” will be locked outside and left to fend for themselves “Purge” style.
WASHINGTON (AP) – In a last ditch effort to keep (after a fashion) his original campaign promise to empty the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility in his first year, President Obama announced he will release the last of the Gitmo detainees to the grounds of the DC-area mansion where Obama plans to spend his post-presidential years with his family.
“My Republican critics,” said President Obama, “have been saying for years how ‘dangerous’ it was to release Gitmo detainees despite their very low 25% recidivism rate, completely ignoring that it means that 75% have NOT returned to blowing up innocent civilians. 75% is a huge number. Nearly Hillary’s popular vote total. I like those odds.”
“So I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is and share a safe space with the remaining Gitmo residents,” Obama continued, “transferring them to my humble bungalow/mansion. Together, we can create a world where nobody condemns your for your religion or questionable birth documentation.”
“But best of all,” Obama said cheerily, “this new environment will be a complete break from the horror of their current damned existence where they are surrounded by uniformed Americans wielding weapons of war while holding them captive behind barbed-wire fences. In our new home, they will be free – with the permission of defensively-armed Secret Service agents, all wearing suits, ties, and sunglasses – to roam anywhere within the fortified brick walls of the estate.”
New transferee Muhammed al Muhammed said he expects it to be the perfect chance to rehabilitate himself, post-incarceration.
“I’m hope to learn clock-making,” he said.
Soon-to-be-former First Lady Michelle Obama said Muhammed and his friends shouldn’t get their hopes up.
“Nuh uh. Get into my garden and start pulling weeds like a 4th grader.”