WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – In a suprise move, all of the major cable news networks except Fox News and a strong majority of the nation’s daily newspapers – including the Washington Post and New York Times – have voted to impeach President Donald J. Trump.
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews hailed the vote as “a victory for the little guy, a victory for common sense.”
“Trump waves his money around like he’s king of the world,” said Matthews. “but he’s actually like that French king Marty Antoinette. Now, Trump’s not getting the electric chair like Marty did, but we’re still kicking him out of office.”
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was equally thrilled by the vote’s outcome.
“Well, I actually voted to impeach Bush, but apparently my vote didn’t count because he’s not President anymore. I’ve never felt so disenfranchised. Still, after all of Trump’s hate crimes and hate speech and hate pizza ordering, it’s about time America got some justice.”
The New York Times did not return inquiring phone calls, as the entire editorial staff was embroiled in a violent civil war over whether the headline should be “Trump Bumped” or “Trump Dumped”.
When asked why Trump was being impeached, the Washington Post’s Erik Wemple made a kissed-a-lemon face and explained “Did you SEE him at his press conference with Trudeau? He called on some stupid blogger instead of one of the REAL reporters from a fair and objective news organization, like the ones that voted to impeach him.”
Fox’s Tucker Carlson had a different explanation.
“You DO know that actual impeachment is when the House of Representatives votes on charges of high crimes and misdemeanors as provided for in the Constitution, right? What Wolf and his buddies did matters less than Hillary’s popular vote total. I think they were just desperate for the chance to write a story that didn’t involve quoting a Trump tweet.”
Which they may have to do anyway, as Mr. Trump recently posted “Media impeachment? Not actually a thing. #polidiots”, which hashtag is now #1 in “trending”.