Straight Line of the Day: Shocking Leaked Secret! It Turns Out the New iPhone…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Shocking leaked secret! It turns out the new iPhone

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  1. can read your mind and administer shocks if you’re thinking politically incorrect thoughts.

    bet the Eagles to win the Super Bowl and got good odds.

    has a better personality than Steve Jobs did.

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  2. Shocking leaked secret! It turns out the new iPhone…

    can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!

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  3. Shocking leaked secret! It turns out the new iPhone…

    breaks the Seventh Seal

    And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth.

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  4. … has Strzok and Page on speed dial.

    … has Jerry Seinfeld’s number buried under the “Fire/Emergency” button.

    … saves every damn text you write.
    (“FBI Staff Gobsmacked! ‘Never Dreamed That Was Possible!’ Says Flabbergasted G-Man”)

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  5. … comes with an End User Agreement that contains more words than have so far been printed in the history of human communication.

    … comes with a free jack for your buds, or a free Jack for your Buds… depending on your demographic.

    … has some Chinese kid’s tears on it. Bah! Order a new one!

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    • Well how come you say you will when you won’t
      Say you do, baby, when you don’t?
      Let me know honey how you feel
      Tell the truth now, is LAN real?
      But ah, ah, well honey don’t, well honey don’t
      Honey don’t, honey don’t, honey don’t
      I say you will when you won’t, ah ah, honey, don’t

      Well I love you, baby, and you ought to know
      I like the way you wear your clothes
      Everything about you makes a doggone suite
      Like Windows, bayby all over your feet
      But ah ah well honey don’t, honey don’t
      Honey don’t, honey don’t, honey don’t
      I say you will when you won’t, ah ah, honey, don’t

      [Ah, rock on George, one time for me.
      I feel fine.
      I said.]

      Well sometimes I love you on a Saturday night
      Sunday morning you don’t look right
      You’ve been out painting the town
      Ah ah baby, been stepping around
      But ah ah well honey don’t, I said honey don’t
      Honey don’t, honey don’t, honey don’t
      I say you will when you won’t, Double-A, honey, don’t

      Needs work. Lot of computer puns un-mined..

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  6. …is just covered with a Flash eating bacteria.

    …has a woke calculator, two plus two never equals four.

    …lets you know when the fries are done when you are outside demonstrating for a fifteen dollar an hour wage.

    …instinctively starts swimming upstream when you drop it in the toilet.

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