Author Archive

Some days you just can’t get rid of a cheeseburger!

Friday, July 25, 2014 11:00 am

SomeDaysYou ever had one of those days where it felt kinda like a Twilight Zone episode? I had one recently.

I had taken a sandwich to work, planning to eat at my desk at lunch and get a few things done without being bothered. Of course, some things came up and I needed to run an errand. So, despite my plans to the contrary, it turns out that I’m leaving the office at lunch anyway. I eat and drive as I run my errands, and then, as I’m heading back to the office, I wind up stopped at a stop sign.

I saw her before I got to the intersection. So did the car in front of me. And the car in front of them. She finished talking to the car in front of me as I was approaching the intersection, and she walked out of the street back onto the sidewalk to the left.

I stopped at the stop sign, looked to the right, back to the left … and there she was at my window. Some sad story about wanting to get some money to buy food for her three kids — maybe it was four; more on that in a minute — in her car that’s over on 11th. She points the wrong way.

“I won’t give you any money, but I’ll get you some food. Be right back.”

So, I turn, realize that there’s a Burger King closer if I go the other way. So, I turn around and head towards the BK.

I forgot there’s also a McDonald’s right near the Burger King, and the McDonald’s is actually easier to get into and out of. So, I hit the drive-thru at the McDonald’s.

Couldn’t remember if it was three kids and four of them total, or if she said four kids. So, I order five McDoubles, five small fries, three bottles of milk, and two bottles of water.

I head back to the intersection where she was, and she’s nowhere to be found. So, I head towards 11th. She’s not there, and there’s no car with kids.

Okay, fine. I have five McDouble meals. Not a problem. Every time I stop for gas at the gas station across the street from the McDonald’s downtown (not the one I bought the burgers from), someone always approaches wanting money or a ride or something. So, I’ll just swing by there and find one of those people and give them some Mickey D’s. Only, for the first time in memory, there’s no bums hanging around.

Okay, there’s a few that hang around the downtown Burger King, so I head by there. None to be found.

Post Office. I often get accosted at the Post Office by someone claiming to be a veteran that served in some Army unit that never existed. So, I head to the Post Office. Nobody hanging around out front. There are even plenty of parking spaces. That never happens.

Ah. I know. The Synovus building. It’s over by the river, and there’s some homeless guy that sits on a bench overlooking the river walk and eats, sleeps, and does whatever else there, 24/7. So, off to the river. He’s not there.

It seems that all the homeless people took the day off. Here I am, stuck with five McDoubles, and now I’m starting to run late getting back to work.

The good news, I suppose, is that those people at work can eat. I mean, I’ve seen goats eat less.

I sorta wondered about all the homeless people. You see them all the time, but you never notice them. And now, here I am looking for them and I can’t find any. I’m still trying to figure out where they all went.

If you have any ideas, let me know. I’m curious as to what they’re up to.

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Cartoon of the Day – Open

Friday, July 25, 2014 10:00 am

20140722MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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SEC! SEC!

Thursday, July 24, 2014 11:00 am

SeeRockCityYou’re probably thinking I’m about the brag about how great SEC football is, aren’t you. Well, it is, but I’m not gonna do that right now. Wait until a little closer to football season.

But, I am gonna brag about our SEC. Our state execution chambers. You know. Where they take folks on death row when it’s time to execute their sentence. The one in Georgia works quite well.

I bring this up because Arizona took 117 minutes to put one Joseph Rudolph Wood to death yesterday. I’m not crying over the length of time it took for Wood to die for the murders of his ex-girlfriend and her father back in 1989. No, he’s had nearly 25 years on the state dime. If it took him a little long to pay the piper, that’s too bad. But I do have a problem with his execution. An hour and 57 minutes is just way too long. There’s overtime involved, for one thing. And at the most basic level, it’s inefficient.

And Arizona isn’t the only state running an inefficient death chamber. Back in January, it took Ohio 26 minutes to put down Dennis B. McGuire for raping, sodomizing, and killing a pregnant woman in 1989. The 25 years that Ohio kept him around more than makes up for the 26 minutes it took him to die. But, still, 26 minutes is not very efficient.

Then there’s Oklahoma and the trouble they had with Clayton Derrell Lockett back in April. They actually didn’t execute him, not really, but he died anyway. That’s the one where they stopped the execution when it didn’t go exactly as planned, but the convict had a heart attack on the gurney and died anyway. So it worked out. He died at the hands of the state for burying a girl alive back in 1999.

I have a solution for these states that have trouble executing convicted killers. Come to Georgia. We do it right.

Remember when everybody got their panties in a wad over the Oklahoma execution by heart attack? Well, about seven weeks later, Georgia marched Marcus A. Wellons to the little room at the Georgia Diagnostic and Classification State Prison in Jackson, and put him to sleep for raping and strangling a 15-year-old girl back in 1989. Georgia simply strapped him down and ended his life. Quick, simple, efficient.

So, for the states that have trouble, contact the state of Georgia about contracting out the executions. Chain your convict up real good, give him some escorts, and y’all come on over. Drop the intended off at Jackson, then … go play tourist.

You can head over to Hampton if there’s a NASCAR race that weekend.

Or, if the Braves are in town, catch a game at The Ted (it’ll be gone soon).

There’s Six Flags just west of Atlanta.

Stone Mountain on the east side of the capital city might have a fireworks show, if you don’t want to see a bunch of 90-foot-tall Confederate generals.

Grab a meal at Chick-Fil-A (they’re all over the place in Georgia) and a Coca-Cola (the formula was invented in Columbus, not Atlanta).

Drive down to the Golden Isles and put your feet in the water on Jekyll or Saint Simons.

Savannah is a nice place to visit, particularly if you want to get drunk on St. Patrick’s Day, so try to schedule your execution for mid-March.

If there’s the chance of a last-minute delay, and you don’t mind paying the state for the prison overtime, you can spend a few days in a cabin up in the north Georgia mountains.

Of course, you can go to Lookout Mountain just south of the state line at Chattanooga, TN, and, like the old signs on the barns used to say, “See Rock City.”

Go get yourself a real Vidalia onion.

Or, just sit on the banks of the Altamaha, relax, and catch some fish. Or, at the very least, drown some worms or crickets.

There’s lots to do. And, for you, as well as for your convict, there’ll be memories to last the rest of your life.

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Cartoon of the Day – Crisis

Thursday, July 24, 2014 10:00 am

20140723MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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Cartoon of the Day – Dump

Wednesday, July 23, 2014 10:00 am

20140723LisaBenson
[Lisa Benson - GoComics]

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Cartoon of the Day – Difference

Tuesday, July 22, 2014 10:00 am

20140721SteveKelley
[Steve Kelley - GoComics]

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Cartoon of the Day – Goals

Monday, July 21, 2014 10:00 am

20140720JoeHeller
[Joe Heller - The Cagle Post]

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Happy birthday, Sarah K!

Saturday, July 19, 2014 9:35 am

It’s Sarah K’s birthday. And she’s…

Well, now do I want to go with jokes about age? No. But, I do think it’s kinda funny about how women get all hot and bothered about jokes about age. Even hot women. Only they get hotter, but in not the good way.

Maybe we could offer suggestions for things for Frank J to do, since husbands never know what to get the wife for their birthday. But how many times can you do that?

So, what do you do? Offer a simple “Happy Birthday” and go on? Well, yeah, that would probably be best.

So, happy birthday, Sarah K.

[Note: If the rest of you want to crack age jokes, go ahead. Although Sarah K is quite capable of stopping you from having your next birthday, so be careful. Maybe you should go with lame gift suggestions for Frank J.]

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Cartoon of the Day – Finish

Friday, July 18, 2014 10:00 am

20140718JerryHolbert
[Jerry Holbert - GoComics]

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Peggy Joseph 2014

Thursday, July 17, 2014 11:00 am

Remember Peggy Joseph? Sure you do.


[The YouTube]

Well, she’s using different words now.


[The YouTube]
Tip: The Other McCain

The question is not who “will she vote for in 2016?”, it’s “who will she vote for in 2014?”

I didn’t mind making fun of her in 2008, or in the years since. But she seems to be wising up. So, maybe there’s hope — real hope — after all.

But, if I stop making fun of Peggy Joseph, that doesn’t mean I’ll stop making fun of Barack Obama and others who still drink his Kool-Aid. None of us should.

Do you have a funny story of someone who was Peggy Joseph then and is still that way? Share it. We could all use a good laugh.

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Cartoon of the Day – Jerk

Thursday, July 17, 2014 10:00 am

20140716MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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Thor got boobies

Wednesday, July 16, 2014 11:00 am

ThorChickThor has boobies.

That’s some comic book thing, by the way. But, a lot of comic book people seem to hang around the internetz, so you may already know what I’m talking about. You kids with your Archie comics and your hula hoops and your fax machines…

Anyway, Marvel comics has announced that Thor is a woman now.

“The inscription on Thor’s hammer reads ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if HE be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.’ Well it’s time to update that inscription,” says Marvel editor Wil Moss. “The new Thor continues Marvel’s proud tradition of strong female characters like Captain Marvel, Storm, Black Widow and more. And this new Thor isn’t a temporary female substitute – she’s now the one and only Thor, and she is worthy!”

I’m not sure how I feel about that. Partly, I don’t care, because I don’t read Marvel or any other comics. But, I do sorta care because it points out what’s wrong with entertainment today: people don’t have any ideas for story, so they use gimmicks.

I mean, there’s no reason to give boobies to Thor and make the Norse god really irritable on certain days. Well, unless you can’t come up with a good idea for a real story. Then, of course, making the god of thunder a chick keeps you from having to actually be creative. Plus, you get all the Hillary supporters on your side. After all, if Thor can be female, why not the president? They forget that Hillary would be less feminine than the current office-holder. And that’s not a slap directed at Hillary.

Anyway, what are the ramifications of Thor having boobies? No, really. What are they? You see, I really don’t read comics, so I have no idea what Thor the comic is all about. I did some research, but ran across things like alternate universes and the Negative Zone, and villains like Zarrko, Bloodaxe, Surfer, Thunderball and such.

Yeah. I’m not reading all that.

Anyway, Thor’s got boobies. Did I mention that? Will this really work? And, if so, what’s next? Batman and Robin as lesbians? Catwoman as a dude?

CatwomanDude

I’ve never been so anxious for a meteor to take us out than I am now.

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Cartoon of the Day – Math

Wednesday, July 16, 2014 10:00 am

20140716:ScottStantis
[Scott Stantis - GoComics]

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A Carney a Day…

Tuesday, July 15, 2014 11:00 am

Didya hear? Jay Carney is being considered for a new job. Spokesman for Apple.

Yes, that Jay Carney. Barack Obama’s own Baghdad Bob, Jay Carney. Former White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. That’s the one.

According to reports — or several reports all quoting one source — Carney is being considered as the head of PR at the tech giant.

That’s not really what I want to hear. But, I’m sure some Apple bashers will love it. So, go ahead.

First, let me tell you that I’m not one of the Apple bashers. I’m typing this up on my MacBook Pro (my second Apple laptop), with my iPhone 5s (my third iPhone) and iPad Air (my second iPad) nearby. Oh, and the TV screen is showing content from my Apple TV (my second). So, no, I’m not an Apple basher. But, the Cupertino Kids are opening themselves up for it now. So now, go ahead. Bash away.

Let me offer a couple of topics, to try to direct this thing. Who would be a “better” head of PR than Jay Carney? Or, just as bad? Like Tommy Flanagen? The Jon Lovitz character, not that actor with the similar name, although maybe him, too.

Or Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf? You know him as Baghdad Bob.

Perhaps other suggestions for positions at Apple? If Jay Carney is a good fit, who else would be?

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Cartoon of the Day – Pawns

Tuesday, July 15, 2014 10:00 am

20140714MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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Cartoon of the Day – Wall

Monday, July 14, 2014 10:00 am

20140711MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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Cartoon of the Day – Stop

Thursday, July 10, 2014 10:00 am

20140710LisaBenson
[Lisa Benson - GoComics]

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Cartoon of the Day – Caution

Wednesday, July 9, 2014 10:00 am

20140708MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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Cartoon of the Day – Why

Tuesday, July 8, 2014 10:00 am

20140707MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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Cartoon of the Day – Poor

Monday, July 7, 2014 10:00 am

29149796ScottStantis
[Scott Stantis - GoComics]

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