Author Archive

Wisdom of the Day: Bee Capslock Free Senator

Friday, January 9, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Free College!

Friday, January 9, 2015 8:47 am

It’s important to show your kids love and affection as long as that doesn’t block the TV.

Islam needs more mockery until it gets used to it.

Will they be able to find another useless, arrogant idiot in California to replace Barbara Boxer?

Scientists have solved what came first, the chicken or the egg. What came first is the chegg – an animal half chicken, half egg. All cop.

“They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… Wait, where’s our freedom?”
“They took it while you were putting on the face paint.”

How about instead of paying for 14+ years of mainly worthless schooling, we offer free daycare until your kids are 30.

When people refer to something the government offers as “free,” it does suggest people need a lot more education.

I won’t take your money at gunpoint to buy you crappy presents. #FrankJ2016

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Wisdom of the Day: Boot Wikipedia Highlander Baby Media

Thursday, January 8, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Speaker, Scientists, and Islam

Thursday, January 8, 2015 8:15 am

Wow this speaker vote stuff is…
*stretches and yawns for 30 seconds*
…really exciting.

So how dumb do you have to be to be a super-smart scientist?

The thing about speech is that no matter how “offensive” it is, it’s entirely within the individual’s power to choose how to react to it.

Like most Americans, I haven’t actually studied Islam enough to know whether it promotes violence or not.

One problem is there a very large portion of the world where a death sentence for blasphemy and apostasy is considered normal.

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Wisdom of the Day: Korea Biden Baby Tough Police Counting Home Mirror Europe Hell Floor

Monday, January 5, 2015 5:00 pm

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President Obama’s 12 Greatest Accomplishments of 2014

Monday, January 5, 2015 11:00 am

Hey, look: I’m still around. Just had a bit of a Christmas vacation. And during that time, I had a column up at PJ Media on President Obama’s 12 greatest accomplishments during 2014. That’s right: I came up with twelve.

Said his name right. A lot of people have accidentally said “Osama” when they meant “Obama”, but I’ve never seen President Obama do that himself. He’s always said his name right. And he talks about himself a lot. Yet not one slip.

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Random Thoughts: Science, de Blasio, and Downton Abbey

Monday, January 5, 2015 9:01 am

If the more you know about science the more arrogant you become instead of more humble, then you don’t understand science.

The left are upset about police turning their backs on de Blasio because all their visions of an authoritarian future involved the police blindly following their commands.

Why are there other countries? #AmericaInFiveWords

I think Doonesbury’s edginess and relevance goes great right next to Family Circus.

If a plane disappears, my first suspect would be CNN as they have the most to gain from it.

Okay, I’m finally going to ask: Is Curious George a monkey or an ape?

I think God is at his most right-wing in I Samuel 8 where he warns that kings suck because they’ll boss you around and tax you.

I’ll believe the left actually cares about racism when they attack people politically aligned with them over it.

If you’re a Democrat who never spoke up against Ted Kennedy, then any outrage over a politician’s conduct is obviously crocodile tears.

If there isn’t a Back to The Future remake out this year where the main character travels 30 years back to 1985, you fail, Hollywood.

“Sure we had a setback in 2014, but now that we have a picture of Trig Palin standing on a dog, we can finally turn things around!”-the left

If I ever had to get a mugshot, I’d do a Jim Halpert face.

Science used to be about more than flattering one’s ego.

A more relevant Robocop reboot would have had him programmed with social justice directives.

Not to defend the patriarchy, but didn’t it make… everything?

Too bad Neil deGrasse Tyson wasn’t around for the Titanic. “The solution it seems to me is to create an unsinkable ship.”

“I’ve made an unhackable computer.”
“It’s just a power cord connected to a cardboard box.”
“Unhackable!”

I’m selling jars full of industrial-grade science. Sprinkle on your computer to make it unhackable.

Do movies really need credits anymore? If someone wants to know who gripped what key, can’t they just look it up on IMDB?

Huckabee is joining the race so Jeb won’t be conservatives’ least favorite candidate.

2015
“Come on, Marty, we have to find your kids!”
“Okay, Doc, but what’s all these references to 9/11 in the news?”

A significant number of black people seem to have really outdated stereotypes about white people.

Anyone who would hug Jerry Jones would probably as president French kiss Kim Jong Un.

The Cowboys are America’s team. All other teams are only popular in North Korea.

If I ever tried to be clever, I would succeed.

New Downton Abbey: Mary is wooed by the refined, erudite Mr. Peanut.

Great idea for a Downton Abbey spinoff: Lady Grantham and Mrs. Crowley, P.I.s.

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Wisdom of the Day: Baby Blind War RadioShack Satan

Monday, December 22, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: North Korea and Al Sharpton

Monday, December 22, 2014 9:28 am

It seems like President Obama has been stuck in a quagmire for a while. Here’s my idea to turn things around: Start wearing a cape.

We’ve put up with a lot of horrible things from North Korea, but apparently less James Franco on the big screen was the last draw.

How would North Korea have terrorists over here to attack theaters? Who would get out of there and over here and still be loyal to them? “Time to show those imperialist dogs– Wow! Food!”

Finally got a couch to lounge on. That was a 6 week stretch of couchlessness.

You can’t have racial equality when Al Sharpton is treated as having more legitimacy as a commentator than David Duke.

“When I was your age, I walked 7 miles uphill to school both ways and file names could only be 8 characters long.”

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Random Thoughts: North Korea, Self-Esteem, and Dogs

Friday, December 19, 2014 8:27 am

You can’t write humor about assassinating awful dictators? Well, there goes my TV series pitch.

Hollywood, I think understand the sort of things you want. My pitch: Chia Pets, the Movie. That will be one millions dollars, please.

So how is The Interview worse than Team America? Or are we just more cowardly now?

How do you even justify still being a Communist country these days? “Don’t you want to join the powerhouses Cuba, Vietnam, and North Korea?”

Whose dumb idea was it to give kids self-esteem? I say no self-esteem until you have a job and are living on your own.

Remember when 30 Rock made fun of North Korea. Would that not fly now?

Did a table read of some scripts are worked on. I now have a job where that sort of thing happens.

I guess working as a programmer, we could have done table reads of scripts, but not many people can make Python come alive.

Anyway, working on something really really cool. Can’t wait for everyone to see it, but that will probably be months from now.

“What’s going on is beyond my comprehension, but perhaps it will all become clear if I tilt my head 15 degrees to the right.” -dogs

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Wisdom of the Day: Cartel Novel Larry OK Culinary Hanks

Wednesday, December 17, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Jeb Bush and Frank J. 2016

Wednesday, December 17, 2014 8:12 am

Obviously Jeb more qualified to be president than Hillary. He has two former presidents in his immediate family while Hillary only has one.

Can I just write a check out to “Not Jeb”?

I’m joking. I’d rather burn my money than willingly give it to a politician. At least I’d get warmth out of that deal.

Reminder: I’m now old enough to be president. If elected, I’ll just quietly cash my check each week and leave you all alone.

Would anyone mind if the State of the Union Address was just a single tweet?

My measure of being a successful president would be most people not being able to identify me.

Don’t worry: The government has a national Bush reserve for if we’re ever threatened of running out of Bushes to run for president.

A good slogan for Jeb in the primaries would be “Resign to your fate.”

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Wisdom of the Day: Hedge Girlfriend Game Scaring Pencil

Monday, December 15, 2014 5:00 pm

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Competition!

Monday, December 15, 2014 11:00 am

Friend of IMAO Mike Z. Williamson has a new book out — but this time it’s political humor. That means it’s competing against my book. So when you buy it, buy my book too to keep things balanced.

No, wait, buy two copies of mine.

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Random Thoughts: Serial and the ACA

Monday, December 15, 2014 8:36 am

The one thing I didn’t get from all the talk about Serial is that it’s non-fiction.

BTW, now that I have a decent-sized commute, I’m getting into the world of podcasts and audiobooks. Recommendations welcome.

Man, I have not been following politics very closely lately. When does Wendy Davis take over as my governor?

As an aspiring fiction writer, I was completely intimidated by Serial when I thought it was fiction. “Such imaginative details!”

“And how’d they get such naturalistic performances out of all these different voice actors?”

I did a “die-in” protest in my bed this morning.

While it’s true that “everything dies,” I still don’t get why Obama made that the slogan for the Affordable Care Act.

Maybe someone should host a big international debate on whether Muslims should murder people or not because I’d like to hear both sides.

Shouldn’t we be moving on from killing people because of weird beliefs in God to killing people because of weird beliefs in economics and science?

Waterboarding Gremlins just makes more of them.

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EconPop – It’s a Wonderful Life

Saturday, December 13, 2014 11:27 am

It’s a new EconPop on It’s a Wonderful Life and banking — and this one I actually participated in making a wee bit.

Know I haven’t been blogging much, but I’ve been working on a lot of cool stuff with Emergent Order and will plenty to show you in the future.

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Wisdom of the Day: Candy Biden Caveman Shooter

Wednesday, December 10, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Humility, Starbucks, and Torture

Wednesday, December 10, 2014 8:30 am

For me, humility is pretty hard. Takes a lot of effort not to not feel superior to everyone. At least I try to be humble, unlike others.

Is it just me, or do Starbucks cups and lids have a decently high failure rate in keeping a watertight seal? Need more innovation there.

Torture is one of those things we’re against in the abstract but okay with in specific cases.

“Should we torture people?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Should we torture Khalid Sheikh Mohammed?”
“Oh yeah. Go to town on him.”

“I don’t like how police are behaving so I’m going to riot and burn stuff until you want even more police.”

It takes quite a bit of googling and research to realize I’m famous.

One of the problems with the Swift programming language is often when googling for information on it, I get result about Taylor Swift.

Waterboard someone enough and they’ll admit it’s not torture.

You made 24 a hit show and suddenly you’re against torture? Whatever, America.

Resident Evil 4 is a good example of how good story and writing have absolutely nothing to do with good gameplay.

“Everyone other than me is an idiot.” -basis for most of progressive legislation

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Random Thoughts: Christmas Xcode Writer Soccer Liable

Tuesday, December 9, 2014 8:27 am

Merry Christmas! And happy other holidays we inflate in importance for multicultural reasons because they’re near Christmas!

Okay, the Playgrounds in Xcode 6 are pretty cool. All IDEs should have something like that.

Yes, I am now a full-time writer, but I also might do some iOS apps. I write code and prose. I’m a double-threat.

Cultural Difference: In a BBC comedy not knowing about soccer was meant to make characters look unmanly while that means opposite here.

I’m going to hack people’s Twitter accounts and add to their bios “I’m legally liable for the words and actions of anyone I RT.”

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Wisdom of the Day: Atoms Wolf Clowns

Monday, December 8, 2014 5:00 pm

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