Author Archive

Another Thing to Keep Me From Blogging

Friday, March 6, 2015 9:00 am

The lovely and talented SarahK and I are having kid number 3 (due date 9/14).

Kid Three

We don’t have any names picked out yet — especially if he’s a boy. I’m thinking “Bort.” Then I’d know if people were cool because they’d ask, “Why’d you give your kid such a popular name.”

So I have a cool new job. I have a script I wrote being filmed. I’m working on my first iOS app. I have my first novel out. And I have a third kid on the way. Big year for me. Sorry to be so light on blogging lately, but them’s the breaks.

God bless.

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Random Thoughts: Bibi, the Clintons, and Filming

Friday, March 6, 2015 7:39 am

One of the best parts of the As You Wish Audible version is hearing Cary Elwes do imitations of everyone, including Bill Clinton.

It might have been a little insulting when Bibi Netanyahu offered to tutor Barack Obama on how to lead a country.

I don’t want to be distrustful, but do you ever get the feeling the Clintons aren’t always forthright?

Did a table read with the leads from the project I’m working on. Don’t want to overhype it, but it’s going to be the most awesome thing ever

I’m seeing buzz for an Eric Hoteham write in campaign.

A great promotion for The Moon is a Harsh Mistress movie would be a free lunch at McDonald’s with each ticket purchase.

“Hillary, who was legal counsel who said this email account was ok?”
“George.”
“George who?”
“George.. uh..” *looks at highball* “…Glass.”

Goal on film set today:
1. Don’t screw anything up.
2. Stay out of the way.

It’s pretty amazing watching John Papola direct. I feel like I only did half the storytelling with the script.

Awesome new job. A script I wrote is being filmed. Doing my first iOS app. First novel out. Third kid on the way. YEAR OF FRANK!

Not to be confused with “Flanders Religious” from The Simpsons.
Flanders Scientific

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8 Frank Rules For How Not to Tweet

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 2:12 pm

Because I love you all (in a extremely distant father sort of way), I’m now giving writing advice on PJ Media. This week, I’m telling you what not to do when Tweeting.

Enjoy!

BTW, did I mention I have a novel out?

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Wisdom of the Day: Drummer Jousting Emojis Boomerangs Ninjas Grenades

Monday, March 2, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: House of Cars, Dress, and Downton Abbey

Monday, March 2, 2015 8:03 am

I like the way Frank Underwood keeps breaking the fourth wall like Abed from Community.

Don’t turn ISIS into monstrous, one-dimensional villains. That’s their job.

Rick Perry: “I’m here to do 3 things: Kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I’m all out of bubblegum. And I forgot the third.”

If someone is claiming to understand how the dress phenomenon works, then make a new image that causes the same color disagreement.

Stay outta the Bushes!

BTW, I intensely believe the dress is the same color you believe it is, because you’re smart. Buy my book.

Don’t know what else to say on my book. Some like an exciting read. Others like boredom. They’re the ones who see the dress the wrong color.

Well, the premiere of House of Cards season 3 was… slow.

The Scott Walker thing was yet another episode demonstrating the left cares about rape only a itty bitty fraction as much as they care about partisanship.

Finally getting around to signing copies of Superego. If you’re waiting on yours, sorry this took so long.

One guy gave the Audible version of Superego a one star review, but don’t listen to him. I hear he also gave one star reviews to sunshine and puppies.

I’m still just thrilled anyone at all liked my novel. It really is a new thing for me, but the sort of writing I’ve always wanted to do.

So has anyone submitted a bug report to God over this whole dress thing?

Right now, House of Cards season 3 is losing out to Supernatural season 2 (also on Netflix).

I’m am planning a sequel to Superego, but I have two other novels in the pipeline before it.

That really was a great article from Ana Marie Cox. It would be nice if more people spoke frankly about their faith.

You don’t have to get far into the first book of Larry Correia’s Monster Hunter series to see why it’s so popular.

Bonus points if you’re into guns.

Interesting, I’m watching Supernatural while reading Monster Hunter — two different takes on all myths are real.

Everything seems more dangerous in the Monster Hunter universe, but you also get paid for killing supernatural things, so that helps.

Won’t someone just finally put the Bates out of their misery? It’s getting ridiculous. #DowntonAbbey

I realized if the Bates do get back together and have a son, he’d be called “Master Bates,” so I guess we have to see this through.

“Now both Bates are cleared for murder. Hooray!”
“I’m from Scotland Yard. I’m to bring the Bateses in on charge of regicide.”
“D’oh!”

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Wisdom of the Day: Browser Government 8-Ball Wages Llamas Yellow

Friday, February 27, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Net Neutrality and a White and Gold Dress

Friday, February 27, 2015 8:04 am

I thought it was disrespectful when my 1yo son said, “Cracker, please!” to me, but it ends up he wanted a cracker.

Working on pilot for show where Lucy Lawless plays character named Lucy who is leader of an anarchist group. Trying to think of name for it.
Maybe “Lucy No-Laws”
“Anne-archy” is another idea. Would have to change the main character’s name, though.

It’s done. Our house in Idaho is sold. Goodbye-daho.

Yes, bio needs updating. I’m now a Texan. I have a big hat and am working on a drawl.

You’re afraid in the future the internet will get slower, so you want the FCC in charge of it? What universe do you live in?

Must be hard to hear people quote “leading scientists” when you’re a trailing scientist. Let it motivate you to do some better sciencing.

So when is Texas planning to secede? Before April 15th, right?

Found an old Armageddon DVD. Fond memories of a time before I knew I supposed to hate Michael Bay.

I’m starting an organization where we nurse lame jokes back to health. Sometimes all it takes is a delivery by Norm MacDonald.

1. Government steps in to allegedly help consumers
2. Cronies go on regulatory board
3. Cronies crush competition and get rich off consumers

No one, no matter who they are, is above the llama.

I heard Scott Walker had a good speech at CPAC, but since he didn’t finish college, he only used one syllable words.

The Slap is a How I Met Your Mother spinoff, right?

My mom says she sees blue and black. Is she part of a flash mob playing a joke on everyone?
White and Gold Dress

Replicants are exactly like regular humans in almost all regards, but there is a subtle flaw in their ability to discern color…

“I’m going to irradiate all the gold in Ft. Knox, Mr. Bond.”
“You’re a fool, Goldfinger. There’s nothing in here but black bricks.”

Saw this weird color phenomenon where I was behind Niagara and everything went B&W. Just assumed colors don’t work all the time in Canada.

So is people not agreeing on colors a known phenomenon, or did we break the Matrix today?

It’s nice some people are taking a break from solving all the world’s problems to chastise people about caring about this dress thing.

Really? Black? You can’t see any yellow in it? You’re not making sense. Get some rest.

Some people who once saw blue and black now see white and gold. There is a cure. Don’t give up hope.

Gold does not become black! There is no color correction where gold becomes black! Stop lying and saying it isn’t gold!

This is some weird government experiment. You let them take over the internet, and now they’re using it to tear us apart. #Dress

“It may appear to be a white and gold dress, but if we color correct it, it’s now a much darker white and gold dress.”

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In 1000 Years, What Will Your Tax Bill Look Like?

Thursday, February 26, 2015 1:55 pm

At PJ Media, I take a look at what government will possibly look like in the future.

Now, anyone who knows how to use a calculator does not predict a great future for the U.S. government, but I’m not talking about specific governments here (like whether a thousand years from now there will still inexplicably be a Canada). I’m talking about the nature of government in general and how that might evolve.

Oh, and I also get to talk about my novel, Superego, in the discussion. Look how that worked out.

So what do you think the future of government is?

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Wisdom of the Day: Newsstand Extremist Carrot Man Underwood

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 5:00 pm

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Alien Gear Cloak Tuck 2.0 IWB Holster

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 11:00 am

So Alien Gear asked if I would like to try one of their holsters, and I said, “Yes. Yes please I would.” I’ve actually been meaning to try out an IWB holster for my 1911, so I got Alien Gear’s Cloak Tuck 2.0 IWB holster.

Gun not included.

Gun not included.

With my size, I might be pushing it trying to conceal a full-size 1911 (but I like it so much!), but I really liked the holster. It’s hard plastic that protects the gun, but it’s a nice soft material on the part that goes up against the body. And clips worked great at keeping the holster in place. It really was surprisingly comfortable. And I could kinda pull it off with an untucked shirt or jacket.

So cool holster and I recommend it. You can see here what guns it’s available for.

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Random Thoughts: Tolerance, Obama’s Love, and Passwords

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 8:12 am

Remember how Obama made a big deal of not wearing a flag pin in the 2008 primary and then started wearing it in the general? Good times.

Learned a new thing about The Princess Bride in first minute of listening to Audible version of As You Wish: How to pronounce “Elwes.”

I wasn’t even close all these years, I assumed it was one syllable.

So Neil Patrick Harris is getting hate for the single funny joke he had at the Oscars? Poor guy.

We’re going to run out of ways to not offend people. As a white, heterosexual, cisgender male, I’m committing a hate crime just by existing.

When the progressive direction is toward being humorless, puritanical scolds, maybe “progressive” isn’t the best term.

Can we all at least agree there are things President Obama hates more than America?

We can’t even imagine the things our children will one day be offended by.

That’s a good question. Anyone have a particular actor in mind for Rico when reading Superego?

It’s weird how raccoons evolved masks to hide their identities from predators.

I reprogrammed the replicator to respond to “Earl Grey tea hot” with “Shut up, baldy!” Everyone had a good laugh. A few were court-martialed.

The country should love President Obama whether he loves us back or not.

Apparently some people still haven’t heard I have a science fiction novel out. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it.

Got 1 negative review of my novel so far; it’s on Audible. Pretty sure that guy’s a freak, though. Everyone loves me.

If you’d like to say good things about Superego, make sure to put that on internet like Amazon. If you want to say bad things, hide in shame.

New Q for Republicans: If there was button to get unlimited organic kale at cost of destroying America, do you think Obama would press it?

“Obama is busy eating a waffle. A train is headed for U.S. Button to divert train next to Obama. Would Obama pause eating to push button?”

So is there one actual example of a woman getting paid less for same work as a man, or is this all theoretical?

The USPS site has the most convoluted password requirements I’ve ever seen. I’m trying to order stamps, not launch nuclear missiles.

RE USPS password: To require a special character but have a very limited list of allowable special characters seems to add insecurity.

They only allow 13 special characters, and you know at least one of them is in the password. Head start right there.

Funny. Any time I see Alec Baldwin I now think of his portrayal in The Big Bang and like him better.

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Wisdom of the Day: Writers Aquaman Starbucks Updog Carpet Kill Levine Academy Oscar

Monday, February 23, 2015 5:00 pm

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If You Needed More Convincing

Monday, February 23, 2015 11:00 am

I did an author video about me and my novel Superego. I even start it with a Troy McClure.

Also, Moe Lane named Superego “Book of the Week.”

Hope everyone is enjoying my novel. It’s quite a new thing for me, and it’s just exciting that anyone likes it.

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Random Thoughts: Aquaman, Patriotism, and the Oscars

Monday, February 23, 2015 8:08 am

This probably wasn’t Obama’s first choice of a country to be president of, but I think he really likes his job.

“All the fish say I look tough and cool.” -Aquaman

This is the kind of hair you get when any criticism of your leaders leads to execution.
Kim Jung Un Hair

“Wow. Cool shirt, Aquaman. It’s too bad you’re completely useless it most situations.”

“Batman doesn’t have superpowers. How do I rank below Batman?”
“Talking to fish is considered worse than no superpowers.”

“Ever notice how Clark Kent is never around when Superman appears? Wait! He must be scared of Superman because he’s really Lex Luthor!”

“This is why I hate this country.” -President Obama on being told what Giuliani said

There are two things the left hates:
1. Patriotism
2. Having their patriotism questioned

“I see you are eating food. Did you know that I enjoy eating food as well?” -dogs

So happy people are liking Superego. Brand new for me entertaining people with suspense and drama and not just humor.

Writing novel way different than blogging. I’m used to write something, get instant feedback instead of waiting years until some sees it.

No one actually believes President Obama loves America, but we all know it’s rude to point out. Come on, jerks.

“You settled on president. I settled on country to be president of. Let’s just be civil with each other.” -President Obama

Alien Gear (http://aliengearholsters.com) sent me this cool IWB holster to try out. I had to supply the gun, though.
Alien Gear Holster

Pretty comfy, actually. Plastic around the gun, about this nice soft material on the part that actually presses against you.

Did you hear how Bloomberg is trying to make it that every gun has to come with a trigger warning?

What’s happening? We’re doubting whether Obama is a Christian? But I wasn’t done doubting whether he loves this country.

Superego’s page now has that “x many reviewers made a similar statement” section. Does an algorithm generate that?

This past year I watched some old westerns and the first couple seasons of Supernatural on Netflix. Any of that get nominated for an Oscar?

Wow. The opening number isn’t even over and the Oscars have already gone long.

I didn’t even know they did a movie spinoff of Iron Man 2.

I’m tired of all these stuck up rich people. Is Downton Abbey still on tonight?

When is the special effects category with the one movie I saw?

Sorry. I’m morally obligated to plug my novel a few times per day because it’s awesome.

Women only think pay inequality is a thing because they’re bad at math.

Do people not understand how markets work? If you really could pay women less for same work, men would never get jobs.

Ever hear of the Oscar curse where any actor who wins an Oscar has to sit through next year’s Oscars?

I can’t believe my wife is emasculating me by making me watch the Oscars instead of Downton Abbey… I mean a sports game.

Glad they didn’t have applause during “in memoriam.” It’s not nice when they applaud loudly for some, saying, “I’m glad he’s dead!”

Abe Vigoda will never be on in memoriam. He will outlive the Oscars.

People are still doing that rap music? I thought that was just a 90s thing.

Why doesn’t any winner ever say, “Haha, losers! I out acted you! Eat it!”?

Heard a lot of mixed things about Birdman. *sighs* Guess I’ll check it out.

Wes Anderson doesn’t need an Academy Award for best picture. They can eventually just give him a lifetime whimsy award.

Hollywood doesn’t love America.

So now all American Sniper is getting is the love of the general public and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars?

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Wisdom of the Day: Autocorrect Cold Hippie Gravy ISIS Cat

Friday, February 20, 2015 5:00 pm

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Rejected Superego Taglines

Friday, February 20, 2015 11:00 am

Did a lot of brainstorming on the tagline for Superego. The one we used actually came from my editor, Adam Bellow.

“Can a genetically engineered psychopath grow a conscience, get the girl, and save the galaxy? Two out of three ain’t bad.”

I think it’s pretty great — thought, arguably, Rico doesn’t accomplish any of those things by the end of the book.

Still, I thought I had some good other ideas for taglines. Here’s some I came up with.

ALTERNATE SUPEREGO TAGLINES

He’s become a hero. He’s fallen in love. For a sociopathic, genetically engineered killer, it’s been a bad day.

He’s a sociopath. He’s a killer. He’s not the worst thing out there.

In a universe of thugs, murderers, and terrorists, he’s one of them.

He was born without a conscience, but does he have a soul?

Born without a conscience. Genetically engineered to be a killer. In other words, he’s got a bit of a social problem.

Rico had a happy, simple life as a sociopathic, genetically engineered, intergalactic hitman, but then something had to mess it up.

All he wants is to go back to his old life of killing for money.

Love. Morality. Companionship. These were the nuisances Rico had avoided. Until now.

Just because he’s a remorseless killing machine doesn’t mean he has to be the bad guy.

He might be a sociopathic, genetically engineered killer, but he’s still trying to grow as a person.

She’s a rogue cop. He’s a psychopathic, interstellar hitman pretending to be a rogue cop. Love’s complicated.

Interstellar hitman. Psychopath. Hero?

Genetically engineered to be a psychopath, why would he choose to be a hero?

Love is complicated. Killing is simple.

He used to be such a content psychopath.

Just because he’s a psychopath doesn’t mean he has to be the bad guy.

Kill the right people, they mistake you for a hero.

Love makes you crazy, but he’s already a psychopath.

Anyway, as always, buy my book. It’s gotten a good sales start and made it into the top 100 science fiction on Amazon, and hopefully I can keep it going. So read it, tell everyone about it, write a review on Amazon, and I’ll keep working on the next novel.

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Random Thoughts: Scott Walker, Netflix, and Science Fiction

Friday, February 20, 2015 8:45 am

I don’t know about the administration’s theory on ISIS. Getting a job didn’t keep President Obama from being a sociopath.

A fun thing to do if you ever met Scott Walker is to keep quoting the Iliad just to confuse him since he never graduated college.

Wait, was the Iliad the one where Grendel blinds the cyclops?

A better president that Obama would be a white noise machine. Then every time the president gave a long speech, people would calm down.

For the first time in my daughter’s life, we have cable TV in the house. Now realizing huge advantage of Netflix: no toy commercials.

Superego is now ranked in the Space Opera category. Apparently, it’s a very competitive category.

Writing a space opera is not easy. I’m not very familiar with Italian. But if you have a dream, you make it happen.

Science fiction much much more competitive area than political humor. Who knew?

Well, thanks to everyone who bought Superego so far! Hope you all really enjoy it. I just aim to not be boring.

You’re probably asking, “How do I help Superego’s Amazon rank?” It’s simple and I’ll explain it to you: You purchase a copy.

I’m just so happy to have anyone reading my novel. Reminds me of the same feeling I had when I first cracked 100 unique visitors on my blog.

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The Superior Man

Thursday, February 19, 2015 11:00 am

There’s a review of my novel, Superego, at Taki Magazine. So do you think there is an advantage to being a psychopath? Not having to worry about social niceties or guilt? Of course, that’s basically what the story in Superego explores. Actually, a fun subplot in it somewhat related to current events is you get to see a psychopath would deal with terrorists.

Hope everyone is enjoying my novel. Everyone bought it, right? Because it is mandatory to own.

BTW, if you liked it, make sure to write an Amazon review. Everyone who does will be entered in a drawing to win my love and regard.

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Random Thoughts: My Novel and ISIS Jobs

Thursday, February 19, 2015 8:23 am

“Audible: Because reading is for poor people.”

You have to be curious what a novel written by me would be like. It’s like reading 3000 tweets of mine in a row.

Actually, that sounds really tedious. Forget that.

Superego is a action adventure with tons of twists and turns, and you know it has to be exciting because I have a very short attention span.

There’s also some themes on morality, redemption, what it means to be human — but mainly cool stuff and action and exciting things.

And it’s edited. Really really edited. Me without grammar errors. Can you imagine? That’s at least worth a nickel a gander.

Anyway, when you give Superego a read, I would love to hear what you think. Unless you don’t like it. No one cares what you think, then.

Someone needs to update my Wikipedia page. Whose job is that?

Yes, new territory for me: a novel with actual, serious drama in it. But I’ve wanted to be a novelist long before I started blogging.

Don’t know if this administration will stop ISIS, but I’m pretty confident they’re keeping an eye on the cast of Duck Dynasty.

“Hi, ISIS, we’ll pay you minimum wage for this new job. It’s called ‘not killing people.’ It’s full time work.”

“Which Ukraine are we talking about?”
“THE Ukraine.”

If ISIS wants jobs, don’t they get to stamp license plates in hell or something?

And I’m telling you about my novel to benefit me. I’m just really afraid you’re going to miss out if you don’t get a copy.

All the excitement, all the twists and turns – you don’t want to miss that. Real roller coaster ride. Be sad to not experience it.

I’m just looking out for you. Because I’m a great guy. And an even better writer.

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Wisdom of the Day: Hat Neighbor Horror Items Waffles

Wednesday, February 18, 2015 5:00 pm

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