Random Thoughts: Gorilla Attack!

President Obama has a sketchy record on war. The lowest point was when he beat a civilian family to death with his Nobel Peace Prize.

So are we on to the general election version of “Sure, Donald Trump is ahead in the polls, but here is why that means nothing…”?

“So, Goldfinger, do you expect me to talk?”
“No, you’re always talking. I want you to shut up.”
“Too bad! We’re talking!”
-Girl James Bond

Do movie funerals ever get rescheduled on account of no rain?

Each day we come closer to the realization that the Democrats are nominating the one candidate who could lose to Trump.

Genders were invented by religious extremists in the 1950s.

Don’t elect the brand new horrible screw up. Elect the usual horrible screw ups.

I like libertarianism, but a Libertarian Party is almost oxymoronic.

A libertarian party just won’t work. We need a Libertarianish Party if the point is to actually elect anyone.

Been programming C for decades, but for the life of me, I can never remember how to do a switch statement without googling an example.

Does the “R” next to Trump’s name mean he’s a Republican or that he shouldn’t be viewed by children?

Why in the world should we apologize for Truman’s decision to awaken Godzilla?

Can’t believe Captain America said “Hail Hydra.” That’s more the sort of thing I’d expect Trump and Hillary to whisper to each other.

Hillary is the only candidate with a solid plan to solve the problem of Hillary Clinton not having enough power.

Hey, Republicans, if we all work together, we have a longshot chance of stopping Hillary and instead electing someone else really horrible.

“Do you want to get shot in the right leg, idiot? Then vote for getting shot in the left leg!” -people trying to motivate me on this election

It’s sexist to distinguish the new Ghostbusters by using the gendered term “girl Ghostbusters.” Instead, call it “Lesser Ghostbusters.”

Trump would demand Japan apologize for hitting our atomic bombs with their country.

I’m sure glad the progressives got the presidency, House, and Senate in 2008 and then fixed everything.

In Return of the Jedi, what would things have looked like if Luke’s rescue of Han went exactly as planned? Or did it go exactly as planned?

I think the single worse thing about the Star Wars special editions is the removal of the Yub Nub song. Had to show daughter correct ending.

We can make more gorillas.

We have sympathy for gorillas now, but through much of history gorillas did nothing but kill humans until we invented the katana.

What if gorillas locked us in cages and shot us? Oh wait; they did a movie of that plus reboot.

Talking to my 5yo, I realized how weird it was to say out loud that we went to the moon before I was born and haven’t been back since.

TRUMP: “When I was a kid, my dad took me to the zoo and I shot three gorillas. No one cared. A few people screamed.”

Unless there’s some rash of kids breaking into zoo exhibits, I don’t get why you wouldn’t treat this as a freak occurrence and move on.

Great piece of advice: Never worry about things that make the news. By definition, they’re rare.

The mother already watched her kid get dragged around by a gorilla. You can’t come up with a greater punishment than that.

One Moment: “Prisons are over-crowded!”
Next Moment: “We need to punish that mother before she lets her kid in a gorilla enclosure again!”

What’s more likely to keep someone from letting kid in a cage?
Possibility of fine.
Possibility of kid getting killed by gorilla.

Why’d they have to shoot the gorilla? Couldn’t they have instead sent in a grizzly bear to fight it?

Being up to date on the happenings of politics now seems as low class as being up to date on the happenings of the Kardashians.

With the right policies, we could stop that gorilla tragedy from happening again. Also, if we do nothing it most likely won’t happen again.

Seeing the flash media reaction to David French, it’s really no wonder we ended up with Trump.

BREAKING: Police have determined that Harambe the gorilla did not die of natural causes.

Again, I’m old enough to be president now. If elected, I promise to just cash my paycheck and play video games all day.

My one goal as president would be to have the lowest number of Americans ever be able to name the current president.

If you want to write effective gun policy, first step is abandoning the idiotic notion you can keep bad people from getting guns.

Great. Someone dropped a Bag O’ Guns on a kid’s foot and now Walmart won’t sell Bag O’ Guns anymore because they’re “too dangerous.”

Let’s put a wall around Hawaii. It’s just sitting out there all alone and exposed. Does this worry no one?

My company, Emergent Order, is about to release it’s first feature film, At the Fork. With the terrible election ahead of us, it’s good to remember that our choices as consumers have a lot more impact.

If you have any positive expectations of a politician whatsoever, you will one day be gravely disappointed.

The left has long had a hear-no-evil, see-no-evil approach to violence on their side, and that’s yet another thing coming home to roost.

This election is becoming a fascist slap fight.

Debate rules this year says Trump and Hillary have to take a photo standing next to each other for Face Swap app purposes.

If we’re so curious about what was on Hillary’s email server, can’t we just ask the Chinese?

So who do I vote for in a choice between racists and violent fascists?

Journalism is so horrible these days. Anyone trying to inform you of things is probably in league with Satan.

How I wish the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was an option in this “Choose the form of your Destructor!” election.

I hope the Cincinnati Zoo is going to finally add a “WARNING: Gorillas” sign to the gorilla enclosure.

The only things Hillary and Trump say the truth about are the horrible things they say about each other.

What’s your favorite Beatles song about murdering people with a hammer? Mine is “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.”

Trump doesn’t trust Mexico or any country next to Mexico.

So I guess the answer is general election Trump is the same as primary Trump.

The general election choice will be between Hillary Clinton and a garbage fire, and Hillary is polling slightly ahead.

But Trump promised the RNC if they rallied behind him he’d stop being dumb and horrible!

Roger Clinton in the news? The 90s have become an undead zombie trying to kill us.

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Random Thoughts: Acceptance

Trump vs. Hillary is just stupid. If you get worked up over either choice, you’re an idiot playing a game made for excitable dummies.

I don’t like what Facebook did, but I don’t understand why the government would get involved.

I might support Hillary if she signed a no tax pledge. Or a no eating children pledge. But she won’t sign either.

“We interrupt this TV show you DVR’d a week ago to tell you about storm conditions you hopefully already handled appropriately.”

The conservative movement is dead! Let’s all stick to fighting about who get to push who around and who spends everyone else’s money.

I don’t have to get drunk to have fun or be incoherent.

One thing you can say for the Republicans over the Democrats is at least they tried to have some non-horrible choices for president.

Paul Ryan and Donald Trump teaming up to fix the country could be a good buddy comedy.

The best choice for Trump’s VP would be John Miller.

If Trump called her “Hillary Crooked,” he might stand a better chance of getting one of her spokespeople to slip up and call her it.

In this election, conservatives have nothing to gain and nothing to lose (that isn’t already lost), so might as well not get worked up by it.

When it’s pouring rain and I know I’m going to get soaked no matter what, I walk and don’t run. That’s how I feel about this election. Relax.

Porta Potties have never cared what gender you are or think you are. Let’s just put Porta Potties everywhere. Porta Potties for freedom!

Leonard Snart is my favorite character from the Arrowverse. He could read from the phonebook and make it sound like a snarky comeback.

Hillary is a lot more likeable if you pretend she’s a Borat-type satire of what everyone hates about politicians.

The Hillary vs Trump spectacle will achieve something lasting and useful if it reduces our reverence toward the office of the president.

Rain. What is it? Where does it come from? Scientists don’t know.

Trump plans to balance his ticket with “a really classy broad” while Hillary is required by contract to pick for VP the CEO of Goldman Sachs.

I’m really hoping Donald Trump releases a video rant on the female Ghostbusters movie.

How did they screw up and accidentally cast all women for Ghostbusters? I bet some movie exec got fired for that one.

“Trump is horrible” is a legitimate observation, but you have to remember that Hillary is also horrible as are both parties and the media.

If the new Ghostbusters bombs, it will probably be a while until they let women be in movies again.

If you just frame it as “who do we want to be king idiot of our moron government?” we have two great choices.

One of the big differences between Hillary and Trump is that more people pretend Hillary is a serious candidate.

“Keep Austin weird… but in no way that’s innovative.”

I hate when you go to a site and it autoplays videos. Hey, YouTube, I just want to read angry comments in peace!

I don’t get the term “waffling” in politics. Waffles are consistent. They’re always yummy.

All these idiot college kids asking for a safe space need to talk to some astronauts and realize space is never safe.

I want a government so small we won’t care that it will always be run by horrible idiots.

Finally saw Civil War. The 30 minutes of Spider-man in it basically beat out all the other Spider-man movies.

Bernie Sanders is one of the most honest and authentic people to run for president in a long time. He’s also one of the dumbest.

“If you want a cash refund, we’ll need a receipt.”
*waves hand through the air* “You do not need a receipt.”
-Return of the Jedi

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Random Thoughts: America’s Worst Choice Ever

So someone said New York values are horrible and then New Yorkers voted overwhelmingly for Hillary and Trump?

Software I wrote, either work or don’t work. Don’t sometimes work. That’s the worst. Don’t do that.

It feels like with transgenderism the left didn’t even attempt due diligence in explaining what’s going on before screaming, “Bigots!”

The trans issue isn’t just going against culture but also basic science knowledge everyone was taught. That takes a lot of explanation.

Sometimes it seems like Trump’s only reference of how a conservative thinks is Stephen Colbert.

If Justin Trudeau is so great, why does he still live in Canada?

I don’t celebrate Earth Day. It’s rather jingoistic we fetishize this planet just because we happened to be born on it.

Neil deGrasse Tyson’s superhero name is Captain Actually.

According to ancient legend, there will one day be another Game of Thrones book.

I haven’t watched any of Game of Thrones – only read the books – so I’ll catch up on the story sometime in 2045.

Let felons vote. And own guns. No reason to do rights piecemeal.

So is Han Solo going to appear as a force ghost in the next episode? “Use the smarm, Finn.”

The parties’ presidential choices say a lot.
Dems: “Ignore anything we’ve said about what we hate about politics.”
GOP: [unintelligible]

“You can’t elect that cartoonishly horrible human being! Elect this horrible human being instead!” -either party in the general

Don’t analyze Trump’s foreign policy speech. Stop falling in the trap of taking anything he says seriously.

I still don’t get how it’s even physically possible to take Trump seriously. It’s like Pee-wee Herman running for president.

There’s no reason to believe Trump on any issue unless the only issue important to you is loud yelling.

Can’t fathom being an enthusiastic Hillary supporter. Like telling everyone they need to try the life-sucking machine from Princess Bride.

You #NeverTrump people need to fall in line. Start huffing paint thinner until voting for Trump makes sense.

My kids (3 and 5) were too scared to watch the new Jungle Book movie. When do I start desensitizing them to violence?

I have never for the life of me understood who in the world David Brook’s audience is supposed to be.

Sean Hannity will prop up anyone who has an R next to his name. He even had a pirate on for a full hour because he kept saying “R!”

So we’re supposed to believe the people who were openly for banning guns less than 2 decades ago are for “gun safety” and not confiscation?

There was a lot of awful people to choose from in the presidential primaries, and we were careful to choose the awfullest.

It’s weird how the Bernie Sanders movement sways between hippie dippie nonsense and mindless nationalism.

Still like him way better than Hillary. It’s an honest stupidity.

In American history, has there ever been a worse presidential choice than Hillary vs. Trump, or are we new territory?

With the general election choice between the two absolute worst people in the entire country, should we reexamine our primary system?

Russia’s main export is stock bad guys.

If we could just talk some sense into these #NeverTrump people, Trump could lose by 19.5% in general instead of by 20%.

The only candidate with a clear plan to take on the national debt is SMOD.

THIS GENERAL ELECTION: VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE MORON AUTHORITARIAN! CHOOSE BETWEEN OBNOXIOUS CLOWN AND SOUL-CRUSHING DEPRESSION!

A good slogan for Hillary to attract conservative voters would be “The devil you know.”

I want you Trumpkins to know I’m one of the good guys in that I most likely won’t actively support Hillary.

Now it’s time for Donald Trump to turn his attention to president-elect Hillary.

The general election will be a stark choice between soulless status quo forever or burning the house down while we’re still inside it.

Come on, guys! The only way to stop Hillary is to vote for a complete mockery of everything you stand for! #Unite

We once got a man on the moon but we can’t come up with presidential candidates who aren’t obnoxiously horrible.

What’s a classical liberal supposed to do in this day and age? Plan for a colony on the moon, I guess.

The optimists are the ones who think the country will end with a bang and not a whimper.

I just hope Trump’s VP choice is completely insane. Don’t be a letdown, clown-man.

The absolute best choice for Trump’s VP would be Bernie Sanders.

My objection to Trump was never that he can’t win in the general. It was “Why would I want him to?”

I like the idea of Hillary and Trump teaming up and being each other’s running mate. It would be the unity/abandon all hope ticket.

“I am the Hell Man, and from the fiery depths of Hades I bring you my mayonnaise!”

Hillary is unlikeable, incompetent, and it’s completely baffling she ever got in a position of leadership. She’s basically Cobra Commander.

Was Cobra Commander married to a previous leader of Cobra?

I don’t know who from GI Joe Trump reminds me of. He does make me think of Starscream, though.

I don’t support the GOP’s choice for candidate same as I don’t support the Democrats’ choice for candidate.

The foundation of your house is sinking. What do you do?
HILLARY: “Nothing. Everything is fine.”
TRUMP: “Fill the microwave with metal.”

The first scene of the young Han Solo movie is him sleeping through the class in space school where they teach you what a parsec is.

There should be a political party for people who don’t like authoritarians.

I’d rather our choices for this election were Kang and Kodos.

The way Trump picks an adjective for each person to get under their skin makes him like that guy who told Elaine she has a large head.

Can we let the Internet decide the election because I’d rather our president be Boaty McBoatface.

Those on the left who somehow couldn’t figure out John Edwards was a big phony, you have another chance with Elizabeth Warren.

Best outcome I can up with for the 2016 election is for Hillary to go to prison and become president.

You could argue were now seeing the presidential election for the ridiculous farce it’s always been.

*GOP nominates clone of Hillary for president*
“If you don’t rally behind Hillary, Hillary is going to win!”

Trump vs. Hillary sounds less like a presidential election and more like Gozer telling us to choose our destroyer.

It’s much better to understand science than to love it.

“Sure, Trump is worse than Hitler. But he’s still better than Hillary.” -future Trump endorsement

“I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire, but I’ll vote for him over Hillary.” #TrumpEndorsement

“He’s the second worst human being who has ever lived.” #TrumpEndorsement

Always nice when the government steps in and saves cab companies from the 21st century.

“I’ve flushed things down the toilet with more integrity than him, but he’s not Hillary.” #TrumpEndorsement

“I’ve got poo on a stick! Everyone rally behind it or it’s your fault Hillary gets to pick Supreme Court justices!”

Where both Trump and Hillary are weakest are with people who have any principles whatsoever.

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Random Thoughts: The Punisher, Star Wars, and Gender

I keep accidentally referring to the Daredevil show as “The Punisher.” I assume I’m not the only one.

It’s hard to take seriously anyone as a conservative who wasn’t calling Trump a clown from the very beginning.

The problem with the frontrunners of the two major parties is that everyone hates them and for good reasons.

Before you cite science as an authority, remember that most of science has been disproven.

Trump vs. Hillary: Whoever Wins… We Lose

Leaked plot of Episode VIII is that it will be about Empire combining plans of Death Star and Starkiller Base to make a Death Killer.

“For our superweapon, make sure there’s a vent that leads to it’s unstable core.”
“But there’s nothing from there to vent.”
“Just do it!”

Did someone say the woman we never would have heard of except for who she is married to isn’t qualified?

I’m happy for the female protagonists since right now I’m trying to get my 5-year-old daughter interested in Star Wars.

These females protagonists in movies tell young girls they can do anything as long as they are also attractive.

As far as I can tell from Bernie Sanders’s campaign promises, he thinks socialism is some sort of magic spell where you get things for free.

A psychopath can learn to fit in with normal society, so Trump is probably a sociopath.

If NY votes for Trump, won’t that just prove that NY values are even worse than what Ted Cruz said?

Now that American Idol is over, did someone start a “vote for the worst” for presidential primaries?

The whole point of requiring a majority of delegates is so the party doesn’t get stuck with a candidate the majority doesn’t want.

I find it almost impossible to take criticism of capitalism seriously. It’s like saying “I don’t like technology.” Fine. Live with the Amish.

I can’t wait for the standalone Star Wars movie about how C-3PO got his red arm.

Trump is a horrible human being that I don’t trust on any issue that is important to me, but other than that I guess I could vote for him.

I’m surprised the left is turning on Paul Krugman now. I thought even they recognized him as a partisan hack years ago.

I don’t get the idea if needing experienced judges for the Supreme Court. I’d settle for someone with basic reading comprehension.

I bet SJWs are going to love it when President Hillary means the First Lady is going to constantly manspalin everything to us.

The GOP delegate process is so complicated that it’s very unfair to nitwits who want to be president.

“You’ve gotta ask yourself: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?” -Harry Callahan unsuccessfully selling raffle tickets for his kid’s school

The Punisher in the Daredevil show is way different than from the comics; supernatural pun powers wouldn’t fit in the universe they made.

If you want to close the wage gap, you’ll need to force women to do things like choose higher wages over flexible hours.

If we don’t elect Hillary, who is going to keep Goldman Sachs safe from super predators?

If you point a gun at one guy and demand money, that’s a mugging. If you point a gun at everyone and demand money, that’s taxation.

Didn’t care for watching Star Wars Episode I again, but I did like daughter’s reaction to the bisecting of Darth Maul. “That. Was. Awesome!”

It now really feels like the prequels are missing a scene where Anakin gets the lightsaber that later become’s Luke’s and Rey’s.

It’s said Captain Phasma is first female Star Wars villain, but that’s forgetting assassin from Ep 2 who can change her face to no purpose.

Then again, everything about prequels should be forgotten.

In Ep 7, Empire now very diverse in race and gender, but has it ever been explained why they’re human only?

Hollywood is out of ideas. They keep rebooting the same franchises when they need to find ones that haven’t been rebooted yet.

Bernie does well among younger Dems while Hillary’s strength is with those who have given up all hope and embraced the empty black abyss.

So do they still teach about the XY chromosomes in school or is that now problematic?

In a way, gender is an arbitrary thing. In another way, it’s a fundamental part of evolutionary biology for hundreds of millions of years.

I know about male privilege, but if you look at the actual chromosomes, tiny little Y seems much more oppressed than X.

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Random Thoughts: Batman v Superman, Communists, and Sanders

A clown crapped into a three-piece suit and now the RNC says everyone has to rally behind it because party unity.

If mankind had socialism since the beginning, today we’d still be living like cavemen but we’d have an even amount of mud and rocks.

Well, the ones in charge of mud/rock distribution get a larger share, but that’s expected.

2yo had a boo-boo so I gave him the “Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” speech.

The problem is that both Trump and Hillary will be looking for their most enthusiastic support from the same group: garbage people.

How is the “Drumpf” thing different than “Barack HUSSEIN Obama”?

Both Trump and Sanders are populists without any coherent philosophy, yet they come across very differently.

Hillary is a partisan without any coherent philosophy, but we’re pretty used to that.

You can’t be for socialism and against violence. You can’t prevent the free market without force.

Understand the violence inherent in the system.

In the new Indiana Jones, will the title character be the ancient artifact?

Should we have let President Obama go to a Communist country? Isn’t there a risk of him deciding he doesn’t want to come back?

We elected Obama president. That means he’s our responsibility and we have to keep an eye on him and watch out for him.

Who a year ago predicted Jeb Bush would drop out and eventually endorse Ted Cruz? I think you win a prize.

“There’s clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Election 2016.”

#IfIWerePresident I’d play video games all day and if you didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t bother you.

I’ll vote for Trump if you pay me a $1 million. I’ll vote for Hillary if you pay me what Goldman Sachs paid her for a speech.

The reviews of Batman v Superman make it sound like the overlong mess I assumed it was going to be from when it was first announced.

How do you explain to a child present-tense “read” and past-tense “read” and the sick minds behind it?

Trump spent a whole rally ranting about how gloves are a big scam because they have all this space at the fingertips you don’t need.

I’d believe the Zodiac killer thing over the affair.

Why is everyone freaking out over the bird landing near Bernie Sanders? If you’ve ever been near him, you know he reeks of birdseed.

The reviews for Batman v Superman, though negative, did confirm the movie contained Batman and Superman which is all anyone cared about.

It’s the age of the Trump voter. Did you think your Batman v Superman movie had to be any good to be successful?

Move Pitch: Orange-faced clown man is the only one who can stop terrorism.

Bernie Sanders’s supporters are mainly white, while Hillary is supported by a diverse group of horrible, cynical people.

I like Bernie Sanders. He is so so dumb, but he’s refreshingly genuine.

Domesticated dogs should come with warnings that they’ve been genetically altered.

I don’t care how bad Batman v Superman is. If Batman punches Superman in it, I’m going to see it.

Weird how a bird landing on Bernie’s podium was a big deal but a flying monkey lands on Hillary’s shoulder and everyone acts like its normal.

I’m still pretty certain this whole Trump thing is a joke and you’re all going to look really dumb for taking it this seriously.

I really like Better Call Saul. I’m not sure where it’s going, even though I should know where it’s going.

Learn to deal with things that offend you. There’s no safe space in this world other than the grave.

If you want to learn how to deal with things that offend you, talk to Christians. We deal with a thousand things like that a day.

“I’m sick of the bad food and horrible service at this restaurant so I’m drinking this delicious gallon of bleach instead.” -Trump voter

Politics is so weird right now, but remember when Obama was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for absolutely no reason whatsoever?

Ah. Happier — but still really stupid — times.

Our nation’s number one problem is whining. We’re an absurdly rich country with unimaginable opportunities and we whine about everything.

If Trump is using up the “Lyin'” adjective on Cruz, what’s he going to call Hillary?

My guess is we’re going to set a record for lowest approval rating of a newly elected president.

We all know Trump is a horrible person and everyone around him is a horrible person. How is this still news?

Is Trump a Microsoft chat bot?

Strangely, the fact that the mainstream anti-abortion position is to not punish women makes many pro-abortion people very angry.

Politics makes everything weird and stupid.

I’m not referring to Trump here. He was weird and stupid before he got into politics.

Let’s have another news cycle where we pretend something Trump said is a serious thing that needs to be parsed and discussed.

Got some capes in the mail and my daughter correctly chose Team Batman.
Buttercup Batman

What if google.com forgot one year to renew their URL on GoDaddy?

I just realized I haven’t seen the Green Giant in forever. Did climate change kill him?

Donald Trump is doing the Kang and Kodos routine on abortion, but much more ineptly.

Bernie Sanders is kind of perfect for Twitter because I don’t think he has any thoughts bigger than 140 characters.

Trump promises to rapidly reverse all the bad things with his time laser.

“Now that I’m president, all the bad things will be rapidly reversed!”
*Trump Benjamin Buttons*

We’re having an epidemic on college campuses where safe spaces keep getting ransacked by Huns.

I have this feeling Hillary is going to be seeking revenge against Democrat primary voters for making her fight for it again.

My son has an important job interview. Wish him luck!
Frankie Suit

I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to a “Guardrail Damage Ahead” sign. Abandon my plans to lose control and swerve off road?

Not really into the feminist video game stuff, but it was kind of tough explaining to my daughter there was no option to play as Zelda.

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Random Thoughts: Trump and Despair

Trump vs Hillary – is this a presidential election or a vote on who’s the worst human being in the country?

The non-Trump candidates finally decide to do the right thing to stop Trump, and all accidentally drop out at the same time.

I’m kinda wishing there was such a thing as an effective Republican establishment.

GOP shouldn’t nominate that madman Trump. They should instead nominate…
*looks at remaining candidates*
So why are there only two parties?

Looks like this is going to be a black swan election. Trump winning/losing in a landslide are both very possible outcomes.

If Rubio were president, half the State of the Union address wold be him drinking water. Horrible.

I’m going to try out Trump’s tweeting style of adding a word to the end of my statements to amplify them. Smart.

A really really smart businessman would be able to build a wall on our southern border and get Canada to pay for it.

Some men aren’t looking for anything logical. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to vote Trump.

The perfect running mate for Trump would be Wile E. Coyote and then hopefully we wake up from this dream.

Can’t believe these douchebag frozen enchiladas want me to use a particular power setting on the microwave. Who even knows how to do that?

A party that is smart and serious enough to defeat Trump is not one that would nominate Hillary.

My advice for this election year is to put all your money into canned food and shotguns.

I don’t trust anyone who wasn’t calling Trump a clown months ago.

With Trump versus Hillary, you can tell which party has more integrity by how many vow not to vote for their nominee.

Hillary and Trump’s successes are both sad, but Hillary’s is sad in the way you usually expect politics to fail you.

The choice between Trump and Hillary is basically would you rather your house burn down or crippling depression.

Is Democrats’ strategy for Trump to call him a racist and a fascist? They do that for every Republican to the point it’s become white noise.

Trump is a horrible person, but that’s far far from saying the Democrats led by Hillary deserve to beat him.

“Did you say David Duck and the KAK? Never heard of them.”

It would be better idea if Oscars for a year were awarded a decade after. We’d then know which films were actually relevant.

If the election is Trump vs Hillary, at least we don’t have mandatory voting. I’d choose public execution over casting a ballot for either.

Are spelling tests still the same or do you now get credit if you get the word close enough for autocorrect to get it the rest of the way?

It’s too late. Trump is going to be the nominee. And probably president because Hillary is just that unappealing. Going to go live at sea.

The Trump people say they’re against the establishment, but the establishment are more likely to rally around Trump than conservatives.

Maybe in the long run, Trump will be a good thing. Kind of like how the Titanic led to better ship safety procedures.

Did voting booths always have a sign that says “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” or is that a new thing?

Does Super Tuesday supplant Taco Tuesday? Because then this is going to be the worst day ever.

Dems need more of a strategy for Trump than calling him a racist since that’s their strategy for every Republican. “This time we mean it!”

Yelling “Racist!” has been nothing but an election strategy for Dems for some time and thus they aren’t equipped to deal with actual racism.

Racial divisiveness has been profitable for the Dems come election time, but now we’re reaching a point where supply exceeds demand.

If you see racism as just a Republican problem to be shouted down, you are a big part of the problem.

Let it go. It’s all over, people. Let’s start coming up with a good name for the next country.

I’ll write our next Constitution. It’s going to be very short because it sounds like a very boring thing to write.

“Oh. Hillary versus Trump. Sounds like a great choice. We here in Texas are seceding, though, so email us and tell us how that turns out.”

Female ghostbusters? “I ain’t afraid of no gho– Ew! A spider! Someone kill it for me!”

Rally around Trump to stop Hillary? What exactly are we stopping Hillary from doing that we can be sure Trump won’t do as well?

Trump versus Hillary? I’d rather reelect President Logan from 24.

“You Won’t Believe This Clickbait Headline”

More and more people are starting to adopt the way Trump tweets. Sad.

At this point, I kind of want Trump to go ahead and secure the nomination so everyone will stop arguing.

Is Mountain Dew paleo?

I guess women could bust the smaller ghosts.

Can never tell when people are responding to an actual outrage or are just desperate to signal to everyone what righteous people they are.

Rubio did with Trump what someone with courage should have done a long time ago. But that’s not good election strategy. Horrible system.

The difference between Trump and any other GOP nominee is when the Dems call him a racist and a fascist, they’d be sincere for a change.

I’m letting my daughter watch the original animated Disney’s Cinderella, or are the old Disney princess movies sexist hate crimes now?

Because of super delegates, every state Bernie wins only puts him further behind Hillary. Win anymore states and he might as well drop out.

I wish I was enlightened and righteous enough to be hateful about Nancy Reagan on her death.

Dems, Hillary is not a great option for stopping Trump. Very unlikeable. Just remember what you thought of her in 2008.

I can’t vote for Trump because I have principles and a coherent ideology, but everyone else knock yourself out.

Movie Pitch: Somehow, the two most unlikeable people in the country end up as the two presidential candidates. And then they fall in love.

Had dream where there was college class I forgot and I missed all the tests but I woke up and everything was okay but Trump is still a thing.

For how many decades am I going to have nightmares about my grades in college? How did that scar my psyche so?

Now all children’s educational shows are nothing but nightmarish creatures shrieking at the void because Common Core.

“Innovators are the scourge of this nation and they must be stomped down!”
“Is the FBI watching this?”
#DemDebate

“Math was invented by Wall Street to hold down the poor!”
“I was married to a president.”
#DemDebate

“Billion! Scary number! Must be stopped!”
“I am human female. Therefore if you are human female, you must vote for me.”
#DemDebate

“Corporations are taking all our money in exchange for goods and services! This must stop!”
“Just give me my damn presidency!”
#DemDebate

Children are the easiest to deport. You can fit more of them in a deportation pod.

You can call the Repub debates a clown show, but you’re as bad as a Trump voter if you try to pretend the #DemDebate is smart and reasonable.

I’m going to take Iron Man’s side in Civil War because I instinctively trust the judgement of people in robot suits.

If we picked presidential candidates at random, it would be statistically impossible to come up with a worse choice than Hillary vs Trump.

I would vote for the Captain America: Civil War trailer for president.

“One cough drop every 2 hours.” Yeah, whatever, bag of Halls.

How do you explain govt to kids? “They demand money from you and will send people with guns if you don’t pay. We pretend we control this.”

We’re starting to have a conflict of Trump’s overt fascism and the left’s crypto-fascism.

It’s going to be the subtle racism and fascism of the Democrats versus the overt racism and fascism of Trump and I don’t see a happy ending.

Dems are going to have trouble attacking Trump on anything and not being seen as hypocritical b/c he’s a fun house mirror version of them.

“If you see something, say something.” -motto every dog lives by

In November, the American people are going to be given two clear choices on paths away from classical liberalism.

What do people chant when they get fired up at a Hillary rally? “Status! Quo! Status! Quo!”

My company has begun playing in VR and has made a VR app. Grab some Google Cardboard and give it a look. iOS Android

Even though I did the stitching for the video and programmed the app, I still find it hard to believe 3D 360 video works at all.

Oh, and make sure to wear earbuds. You only get the 3D sound with earbuds.

It’s funny how popular Stormtroopers are considering that they’re about the most useless, unthreatening mooks in all of cinema.

I guess it doesn’t matter if you can ever hit anything or successfully threaten a farm boy as long as your armor looks cool.

They did get a bit of a threat upgrade in the newest movie, though. “Traitor!”

Watching SPECTRE. I’ve decided not to trust the guy played by Moriarty.

Used to like IMDB trivia, but now feels like it’s filled with irrelevancies. “This is 5th Bond movie where 3rd letter of the title is an e.”

In the new Indiana Jones movie, is Harrison Ford going to be dramatically killed by Shia LaBeouf?

Everyone loves VR now. And we’re pretty sure it’s not just a fad again like in the 90s.

For now, I think I get to call myself an expert in VR video since the field is so small.

How long until we stop freaking out over everything Trump says? He says dumb, poorly-thought out things. We all know this. Not news.

The reason Greedo tried to shoot Han first is because Han killed his six brothers: Prideo, Lusto, Slotho, Wratho, Gluttonyo, and Doc.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Hillary, and the Tooth Fairy

It should probably hurt Trump that an older version of him from the future appeared urging people not to vote for him, but it won’t.

I think the only thing Trump could say that might cost him supporters is something coherent.

Trump versus Sanders might not be the general election matchup we want, but it just might be the one we deserve.

The dream of the oppressed shouldn’t be to become oppressors.

I hope the plot of the Star Wars Episode 8 is that they’re trying to stop a planet-destroying super weapon.

Has Kylo Ren come out for Bernie Sanders?

We must boycott apples. They help terrorists not need doctors.

Hillary Clinton is giving hr Nevada victory speech behind closed doors to Goldman Sachs.

A random American picked out of the phone book with Jeb Bush’s money behind him would be doing better in the polls than Jeb Bush.

I pleaded to Rorschach to get in the race and save us, but I couldn’t hear what he whispered back.

The only thing that would make Marco Rubio even more inevitable as the GOP nominee is winning a primary.

“A good guy with a gun” is the entire basis of government… if you believe government to be good.

If I had to rank the remaining candidates in order of ones I dislike the least, I think it’s Rubio then Bernie Sanders.

I think a lot of moviegoers were surprised at how dark the origin story is for Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. #TheWitch

In one of my first jobs, I wasn’t paid a living wage. So I didn’t try to live on it. I was a teenager living with my parents.

“You shouldn’t fill a Supreme Court vacancy in an election year and if I ever say otherwise ignore my lying mouth.” -Joe Biden, 1992

Presidential elections have always been a joke. There’s just more broad humor this time.

Daughter’s first loose tooth was yesterday and it’s already out and now we have to do tooth fairy thing and THIS IS ALL HAPPENING TOO FAST!

Remember: A Trump is just as afraid of you becoming president as you are of him.

Hey, who wants to make a new political party?

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Scalia, and Kanye

You know cartoon money bags? I once had one of those. Except there was no dollar sign on the bag; just the words “Do not remove from bank.”

Whatever, banks. You’re not the boss of me just because you kinda own my house or something.

So is Hillary going to flee to Russia like Snowden?

Why are the white nationalists supporting Trump. Shouldn’t a proper Aryan have normal-length fingers?

If Trump has killed the GOP, that’s one party down, one to go.

So Arthur Darvill plays a “Time Master” who brings along with him a companion named Rory? Why does that seem familiar?

If the readings for Audible were as over the top as portrayed in their ads there would be a lot more murder suicides.

What’s Jeb’s path to victory now? Some sort of deadly plague only he is immune to?

A vote for Hillary is a bit like a horcrux in that you have to give up a piece of your soul for it.

So is New Zealand basically Australia’s Canada?

What if someone who wasn’t a cartoon character ran against Hillary for the Dem nomination?

I just realized that I’ve never once in my life questioned what the “nut” is in Honey Nut Cheerios.

The IT equivalent of “I don’t do windows” is “I don’t do printers.”

Well, I guess it could also be “I don’t do Windows” but, sorry, we all have to deal with Windows.

“He was turned into Star Wars!” -my daughter seeing Anakin become Darth Vader in a Lego game 🙁

A lot of people are drawn in by Bernie Sanders’s childlike enthusiasm/understanding of economics.

I’m starting to seriously consider Bernie Sanders. As president, I think he’d just shout a lot and not successfully pass anything.

The Super Bowl has lost a lot of its luster ever since you could get all the ads on the Internet.

Isn’t pointing out a politician is repeating talking points a bit like pointing out a magician isn’t actually sawing a woman in half?

Why would they put the Super Bowl on against Downton Abbey? Seems like bad scheduling.

It’s great how much technology improves. Look at how much more lifelike Marco Robot is versus the failed Al Gorebot.

So is it to prove some sort of feminist point to make the first woman president the least likable woman possible?

Live Free or Vote Trump

Really seems like Hillary’s slogan of “I am a woman. If you are woman too, you must vote for me.” could use some work.

New Hampshire’s motto is “Live Free or Die” but they didn’t all die so I’m not sure what’s going on.

I want to rag on the Dems for voting for an avowed socialist, but the only other choice was Hillary.

I still think the absolute worst outcome of the primary would be Jeb versus Hillary – the country signaling it’s completely given up.

Something wacky and stupid would be way better than something as soul crushing and empty as Bush versus Clinton.

If you put gun to my head and asked me to pick one of the Republican presidential candidates, I’d do this disarming move I learned in aikido.

It would suck to be a Secret Service agent assigned to Hillary. Would they have to go to prison with her?

“Who is that weird shouting guy?”
“That’s just old man President Bernie Sanders. We all ignore him.”
Wouldn’t be the worst.

RIP Justice Scalia. Thanks for doing all you could to stand in the way of the “I do what I want!” attitude of government.

When there’s a Supreme Court vacancy, all laws are unconstitutional until further notice. It’s essentially the purge.

Some people think it’s important the Constitution actually mean something. Others don’t believe in the rule of law.

Clarence Thomas gets a disproportionate amount of hate because he’s black.

My suggestion for a Supreme Court justice is a Dalek that instead of saying “EXTERMINATE!” constantly screams “UNCONSTITUTIONAL!”

President Obama can nominate someone for the Supreme Court for the same reason he submits a budget: just for funsies.

“The strength of the Constitution should be determined by who happens to be president when a justice dies” is a dumb system.

When did they put an old-style Captain America shield on the back of the penny? Man, I barely ever see physical money anymore.

I always get picked last in recess appointments 🙁

The frustrating thing is it’s just a six page document and nine supposedly really smart people constantly disagree on what it means.

The climate is not changing. It’s evolving. Stop being Luddites.

Personally, I think Trump is a pretty weak foil for the United States of America series finale.

I have nothing against the movie Deadpool, but I’m a bit afraid of what its success will lead to.

I realized I know all about Kanye West, but I can’t recognize a single one of his songs. That really disturbs me for some reason.

So is Kanye West dead broke like Hillary Clinton?

Why do we keep arguing this like it matters? President Obama, nominate someone. Republicans, ignore him.

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Random Thoughts: Hillary, Trump, and X Files

We should start a new political party. And you get kicked out of it if you run for office as you can’t trust those people.

When is Hollywood going to catch up with the rest of the country and be against racism?

I didn’t get scared until Nate Silver started changing his tune on Trump.

The problem with the Republican Party is it peaked too early with freeing the slaves. Can’t really keep up momentum after that.

So how volatile is Trump? Is he “punch a foreign leader” volatile? If so, I might vote for him.

I think a good VP candidate to balance the Trump ticket would be a sad circus clown who says hard truths no one wants to hear.

I hope the third Thor movie is where he finally says “Stop! Hammer time!” or I’m giving up on Marvel.

The X-Files has returned. Hopefully it will explain Trump.

One of the problems for Hillary is finding enough people completely dead inside to enthusiastically support her.

Trump, Hillary, and Bloomberg? It’s going to be a real New York Values election. The living will envy the dead.

Some people on the internet are mean. When did that happen?

The great argument for Bernie Sanders as president is that he’d be completely infective at doing anything.

The problem with Cruz is that no one likes him, including me. Doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad president, though.

I think Hillary will be a nice continuity to the meh of Bush and Obama.

I’m tired of wars in the Middle East. We need wars in all of the other continents. Who can we fight in Antarctica?

The X-Files is on while Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in the news. We’ve time warped backed to the 90s!

I’m a little disappointed National Review didn’t take a stronger stance against Donald Trump.

I for the life of me can’t figure out how anyone can take either Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders seriously.

If I remember right, the X-Files started out on Friday nights when I was a teenager and I never missed an episode. So, that’s me.

This new show The X Files is a blatant ripoff of Fringe.

If George W. Bush was controlled by the Cigarette-Smoking Man, is Donald Trump ruining his plans to put Jeb into power?

Shouldn’t they update The X-Files to modern times and have the guy behind all the conspiracies stand in the shadows vaping?

Sure are a lot of books on being an atheist. How many do you need before you get it down? Not believing in God seems way too complicated.

Latest Downton Abbey was strangely right-wing. Longtime socialist converted by American capitalism and there was big anti-government rant.

Why does Donald Trump have such weird stubby fingers? Did Stannis Baratheon cut off his finger tips for smuggling?

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Random Thoughts: New York Values and Trump

Who’s dumber: Enthusiastic Trump supporter or people who gave millions to Jeb?

“I liked your take down of a right-winger in the YouTube comment section. Half your words were spelled correctly! Want to write for Salon?”

Glad Mad Max got best picture nom. It’s an actual movie with action and special effects. Not some talky-feely nonsense.

How is “New York Values” an insult? And why did those cowboys want to lynch a guy when his salsa was from NYC? I don’t understand!

Wow. Ted Cruz is really losing the New York vote.

“I can’t believe Cruz is insulting my New York values! And this soda is too large; who is going to stop me from drinking it?”

This is stupid. If your reaction to “New York values” was anything other than “what an effective insult” you fail politics 101.

“Hey! I have values that should be respected and not insulted over here!”

When people say “New York values” everyone gets a very specific image in mind. Usually it’s Kylo Ren.

To be honest, I’m actually pretty curious what general election Trump would be like.

I good example of New York values would them banning people from insulting New York values.

I hope Trump is president because then in 2020 the “Dump Trump” slogan writes itself.

Who knew New Yorkers would be so sensitive to the fact that the rest of the country hates them and everything they stand for?

When you insult New York values, you insult America. The absolute worst part of America.

I kid. Who doesn’t love New York? They got pizza slices there.

I understand if you think Hillary is strategically good choice, but stop pretending to be excited about her. It’s embarrassing for everyone.

“We’re super duper excited for this candidate we tossed away as old news back in 2008!”

“Stop pretending there are smart people we can elect who will actually fix things. Vote for Trump.”

“Admit it’s a broken system and vote for a broken person. Elect Trump.”

More important than suing gun companies is being able to sue politicians for the damage their laws do.

“SMOD has abandoned you. Vote Trump.”

Did the DNC successfully negotiate that no video cameras are allowed at the Democrat debate?

Raising the minimum wage doesn’t cost jobs because there’s a magical spell cast upon it that suspends math and the laws of economics.

How much do you get paid when you don’t have a job? That’s the real minimum wage.

I’m officially endorsing burning it all down.

What’s a classical liberal supposed to do in today’s political climate? I’m thinking of taking up woodworking.

Though it happens all the time in fiction, I hope in real life overthrowing an oppressive regime never comes down to a teenage girl.

Scientists ruined my childhood when they declared that Pluto isn’t a planet and that it’s most likely covered in feathers.

There’s sometimes conflict in marriage. I like imitating Mr. T, but my wife doesn’t like it when I call the kids fools.

I think a legitimate criticism against Trump is absolutely anything.

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Random Thoughts: Gun Control, Star Wars, and SOTU

A fun thing to do is to sit in the front row for a TED talk and keep yelling, “Stop mansplaining!”

I can’t think of any offhand, but I’m pretty sure there are other possible plot points than planet-destroying super weapon.

Right now a criminal can go online and buy a gun without ID, background check, or even real money. Coins from Super Mario Bros. will do.

Right now, a criminal can buy heat-seeking hollow point bullets that can shoot through walls at any Redbox.

There are currently no laws preventing a criminal from buying a gun enchanted with dark magic to never miss.

No laws prevent a criminal from installing a bullet tap in their house where they just turn on a faucet and fill a cup full of bullets.

This isn’t very libertarian, but if we want to protect kids, we need some sort of law against shooting them.

Currently a criminal can go to any supermarket and buy a plastic gun that is also invisible and fires nuclear warheads.

Not saying Obama’s tears were fake – just thought it was weird he paused his gun control announcement to watch the opening sequence to Up.

There. We made the president cry. I hope we all feel good about ourselves. I know I do.

We need some sort of mental health screening before you’re allowed to get a hydrogen bomb.

So there were people who watched Parks and Rec and didn’t find Leslie Knope’s fascist impulses problematic?

The reason we can’t prevent hydrogen bombs is that the NRA fights any law that tries to restrict access to hydrogen.

Ted Cruz is a secret Canadian who will sell our country to the British. This is a fact no one disputes.

Ted Cruz’s handlers are smart. They cut his mic briefly at the end of each sentence so we don’t hear the “eh”.

I asked Ted Cruz for some bacon and he gave me a weird round piece of ham because he’s a Canadian freak and we can’t trust him.

Why didn’t loser Obama make Mexico pay for our health insurance?

Gun control people don’t need townhalls where they explain their views. They need introspection on why they’ve been failing for decades.

Stop pretending you can decide whether other people have guns.

I’ve never quite gotten why Return of the Jedi is considered so much lesser than the other two Star Wars movies. Great movie.

I can agree that Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back are better than ROTJ, but I don’t consider it on a lower tier than them.

My wife says she likes the new Star Wars better than all the original trilogy. I don’t know how to deal with her.

So many iconic things in ROTJ: Jabba, speeder chase in the forest, the Emperor

I have a “Play it again, Sam” type quote from ROTJ I love to use on trolls: “Good. Only your hate can strike me down.”

Force Awakens is not better than Return of the Jedi. It’s good, but come on.

I’m finding it hard to figure out what my full opinion of The Force Awakens is because I just bring so so much baggage to that movie.

I’m finding Finn to be the most intriguing character because he’s the one with the least analog to any character from the previous trilogy.

Finn is a non-force wielder with some (but not spectacular) weapon skills. No idea where his character arc is going.

So is Hillary in Michael Bay’s 13 Hours doing basically the same role as the Chief of Police in Die Hard?

My best understanding of what it means to be populist is to say really popular, really ignorant things.

Be wary of any philosophy that treats people as a net negative. And these pop up on the left and right.

A Trump vs. Sanders general election would be equal parts awesome and awful.

Wow. $1.3 billion Powerball, and that money came mainly from poor people. I hope Trump wins it.

Can say President Obama is indifferent to Sandy Hook because he’s never proposed anything that would have made a difference with it.

Sanders is just as nutty a candidate as Trump and he has a much higher ceiling with Democrats.

So prefer dealing with electricity to water. Electricity is not constantly at risk of spilling all over the floor.

Then again, electricity is invisible and constantly trying to kill me, but I guess I’m just used to that reality.

I don’t get why anyone would listen to the SOTU who isn’t paid to by a news organization.

MoveOn.org endorsed Sanders because if you want to move on from the Clinton scandals, the best way is to not elect more Clintons.

Instead of watching the SOTU, I watched old episodes of New Girl on Netflix because I value my time.

She’s a-dork-able.

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Personality Test

Did you like my novel Superego?

Of course you did. What kind of horrible person would you be not to?

Well, over at Liberty Island is a short story prequel to Superego: Personality Test. An AI comes online and tries to calibrate itself for its new owner, but it quickly runs into a problem: It’s not supposed to break the law.

Enjoy!

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Random Thoughts: New Years and Star Wars

The richest one percent earn more than you do.

We need better entitlement reform or we just shouldn’t release entitlements from prison in the first place.

What’s the defense of Bill Clinton? Not quite as many allegations as Bill Cosby?

I’m inclined to agree with Cruz on most things and he comes off to me as weasely. Not sure how’ll he’ll appear to someone less inclined.

I mean, they’re all weasels, but a skilled politician tricks you into forgetting that from time to time.

The name of Han’s ship implies that falcon’s exist in the Star Wars universe. Are any other earth animals referenced?

And I’ve always wondered whether people in Star Trek universe have heard of Star Wars. Like do they ever pretend phasers are lightsabers?

2015 was an extremely eventful year for me and I plan to accomplish even more in 2016. Probably not another kid, though.

My New Years resolution is to uppercut someone so hard I launch him into the air.

Finally saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. If you only see one Star Wars movie this year, you might want to consider it.

Wait, how many Star Wars movies is Disney planning to release each year?

Nice to see that the Empire is more diverse in the new Star Wars. Not only white males can be evil.

So are they going to explain why Percy Weasley changed his name to General Hux?

You can only be disappointed in a delay for the next Game of Thrones book if you had any expectations of ever actually seeing it.

When adjusted for inflation, The Force Awakens has earned negative 3 dollars and was far out-grossed by Police Academy 5.

In the new Star Wars, seems like most of the Empire is a bunch of unintimidating weenies if they’re not wearing masks.

For new Star Wars, we’re going to refer to the two sides as the Rebels and the Empire and not whatever new names they came up with, right?

Getting your tongue stuck in the voting machine will be considered a vote for Trump.

That Kylo Ren is always going on about the power of the dark side and veganism.

Strong anti-gun control message in Star Wars. Rey, Finn given blasters without background check and Han Solo open-carries everywhere.

Looks like the long national nightmare of Avatar being our highest-grossing film ever is finally ending.

What’s the world’s deadliest butterfly? I know a butterfly has never killed anyone, but one has had to come the closest.

Ah, time for Downton Abbey, the trashy soap opera that makes us feel sophisticated for watching it.

I’m still baffled how Avatar made so much money. Of course, I didn’t get Titanic either. It’s like Cameron has voodoo magic I’m immune to.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Hillary, and the Beatles

Trump 2016: “In your heart, you know he’s worth billions of dollars.”

Don’t want a label on product telling me it was made locally. Want a label telling me if it was made where it had best comparative advantage

*listening to Nobel Prize winning Danish physicist going on about electrons’ discrete energy levels*
“More like Niels Not-Very-Interesting.”

Which candidate is finally going to take on the root problem of immigration: the existence of other countries?

You can tell who is an uninformed voter because they’re enthusiastic about one of the candidates.

Bernie Sanders’s backwardness would almost be cute if not for the unacknowledged violence in the system he espouses.

Salon is the Weekly World News of left-wing commentary.

I keep hearing about billionaire Elon Musk, but I realized I have no idea how he made his fortune. I assume cologne.

With choices like Trump and Hillary, maybe we’ll spend more time on strategizing how to persist without any president.

That article Hillary shared, “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your ebola”, seems to have backfired.
Seemed accurate, though. “3. Causes you to vomit blood”

I’m finally going to hear these Beatles I’ve heard everyone talk about.

Need version of Its a Wonderful Life where we find out what things would be like if Uncle Billy never existed. Guessing futuristic utopia.

It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t a Christmas movie. Only a small portion of it occurs during Christmas time. Unlike Die Hard.

I’m not trying to start arguments, but Human Centipede isn’t a Christmas movie.

There is more photographic evidence of bigfoot than there is of anyone actually celebrating Kwanzaa.

You can tell who is a true conservative because they’re not running for a political office.

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Random Thoughts: Guns, Climate Change, and Thanksgiving

It seems like 90% of the “tolerance” movement is encouraging hate against certain groups of people.

Is Hillary Clinton a woman of some sort? She should try mentioning that as part of her campaign.

Maybe this is just my white privilege talking, but I don’t think giant squid are all that big.

My thoughts on the pyramids is that no one knows who made them, how they made them, or even where they are.

I once saw a pyramid on a dollar bill and it looked back at me. I only use debit now.

Both the success of Barack Obama and the mockery of Ben Carson demonstrate that accomplishments mean nothing when it comes to politics.

Having an infant you need to cradle and hold and protect from everything is good practice for one day having a college-aged kid.

My wife asked how Pokemon is different from dog fighting, and I didn’t have a good answer. More colorful?

Man, I just remembered boot disks. Forgot about those. Back in the day, you had to basically be a hacker to get a PC game to run properly.

Trump seems like the kind of guy who’d start a war over some something he read in an email forward.

If your job can be replaced by a robot, it will. Robots are only getting cheaper and people are only getting more expensive.

It’s useful to learn philosophy at college as long as it’s philosophy about proper code design.

Don’t believe there’s a war on Christmas? For that Jessica Jones series they’re changing Luke Cage’s catchphrase to “Sweet holidays!”

The Mizzou campus has been overtaken by KKK vampires who don’t show up in photos.

In an alternate timeline, 1930s Germany becomes even more warlike and militant to defend against time-traveling baby killers.

If you killed baby Hitler, wouldn’t it freak you out when you return to your time and everyone has the still in style toothbrush mustaches?

I feel like the quality of representation has declined ever since we stopped being ruled by local warlords.

I’m that good generation between the Boomers and the Millennials. We got a little mopey in the 90s but that was it.

I’m against a Muslim backlash, but can’t we wait until people aren’t actively being killed before we devote all energy to fretting about it?

Why do I keep seeing the phrase “terrorism has no religion”? Are you saying all atheists are terrorists?

Tough being a father, instilling in my daughter confidence to fight videogame bosses by herself. Should probably teach her to read, too.

“Sorry. According to this background check, you’re not allowed to have a gun.”
“Golly. I guess instead of murder I’ll go plant a tree.”

If we recycle enough and bike to work, we can defeat terrorism.

Does someone have that really short list of things government does competently so you can check if “screen refugees” is on there?

Since all my opinions are well-formulated, I’ve yet to have anyone disagree with them. But that does sound like that would be awful.

The gun loophole is that there are hundreds of millions of guns in this country and you can’t realistically stop someone from obtaining one.

Fun election. Republicans have a cartoon show while Dems are pretending to be excited for someone who’s almost a parody of a soulless politician.

I don’t get why people love science so much. I once saw some science — it wasn’t very impressive.

Telling people what ISIS wants is exactly what ISIS wants.

Hillary’s ISIS plan is exactly what you’d expect from someone whose qualification is “married to president who wasn’t that good at foreign policy.”

The most interesting thing about Donald Trump is that I didn’t know you could get an MBA at a clown college.

LIFE HACK: Hit life with an axe

To get outraged by something Trump said means I’d have to take him seriously and that’s a bridge too far.

You’re falling into Donald Trump’s trap, acting like he’s someone whose words should ever be taken seriously.

Terrorists got guns into France which has a complete ban. What sort of magical background check would stop them in the U.S.?

We talk a lot about gun control, but a law mandating all SQL statements must have a WHERE clause would prevent a lot of tragedy.

So who holds the middle ground between Trump’s “tag & monitor all Muslims” and Hillary’s “no one who quotes the Quran could be an evil man”?

Our nation’s youth are becoming a bunch of humorless scolds leaving it to our elderly to stick it to the man.

Shouldn’t there be some sort of fact check fact check that ranks them from “actual fact check” to “pure opinion piece”?

Instead of just fact checks, we should also have opinion checks. “FALSE. He does not actually believe that.”

“How to win in an argument with your 5 your old nephew after you get sent to the kiddie table since people can’t stand you for some reason.”

Boycott Joyce Carol Oats. Only buy Quaker Oats.

I read The Origin of the Species and I liked Spider-Man’s origin better.

“It sure is hot out. Hey, I know a great way to cool down: Let’s kill all the Jews.” -how climate change causes terrorism

My position on global warming is that I think the earth is dangerously cold right now and I’m glad we’re doing something about it.

You can be for allowing citizens to have guns or for the government using guns to keep people from having them. Neither is truly anti-gun.

I still don’t get Vox. Are they supposed to explain news to us or are they asking us to explain news to them because they seem very confused.

Stuffing. Dressing. Whatever you call it, I’m not a character from a Charles Dickens novel so I’m not eating soggy bread.

I have nothing against walnuts by themselves, but it seems like they’re on some sick mission to destroy desserts.

The party whose field consists of someone who’s only there because she was married to a president and a senile socialist shouldn’t throw stones.

Between Dems and GOP, there are a lot of dumb choices for president. Argument is that Trump is especially dumb. Not that easy to make.

Giving thanks: Blood test early in pregnancy said she had trisomy 13 (she wouldn’t live very long) but she was born perfectly healthy.
My Baby Girl

Here’s all three of my kids. #Thanksgiving
My Three Kids

The problem is, racist uncles still probably have better logic and reasoning skills than people who take Vox seriously.

And I believe “taking Salon articles seriously” is a condition listed in the DSM-5.

Finally saw new Mad Max. Favorite part was when someone said, “You mad, bro?” And he said, “Yeah, Mad Max!” And then did his Super Max Kick.

I try to be a responsible adult, but my daughter really likes watching me play video games and I hate disappointing her.

Humans are endlessly complex and fascinating, and it’s pretty cool I’ve gotten to make brand new ones.

My favorite part of Mad Max was when the one car crashed into the other and there a big explosion and they exchanged insurance information.

Despite all the hype, you’re extremely unlikely to be killed by a gun in this country. Bad news: Cancer is pretty likely.

Saw there’s a movie about Krampus, the malevolent spirit who in German lore punishes those who claim Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie.

You can buy throwing stars without a background check. You could be a well-known evil ninja and they’ll just ship them to you.

People in this country have too easy an access to guns, knives, cars, propane, listicles, french fries, pugs, the music of Adele

Everyone stop saying mean things about guns! You’re just going to radicalize them!

What if they pass some gun control where you can only carry one gun? For self defense I need to dive through the air while firing two guns.

What if one of the effects of climate change is causing people not to believe in climate change?

0.4% of deaths in the U.S. are from homicide by gun. No idea if that’s a lot or a little.

So do we need better gun control than France to avoid mass shootings?

New modern day version where Scrooge starts out wishing everyone a Merry Christmas but 3 ghosts teach him to say “Happy Holidays” instead.

Sounds like once again those sociopathic gun nuts are going to block the nonexistent gun control that would stop mass shootings.

I’m glad the left has coalesced behind “attack prayer.” That’s probably what all the other gun control pushes were missing.

“Gun control” is not a magic spell that will stop a criminal from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns.

“You need to run faster, Barry!”
“I’m running as fast as I can!”
“You need to run even faster-er!”
-half the dialogue in The Flash

To think there is a right to bear arms because of the 2nd Amendment is to mix up cause and effect.

Society is just going to relentlessly beat you down until you finally accept Ben Affleck as Batman.

Well, at least the left has once again quickly gotten over their fear of intemperate rhetoric.

The couple leaving a six-month old to commit murder is very very hard to wrap my brain around.

I have a 2 a month old. I got her to laugh for the first time over the weekend. There is no better sound in the world than a baby laugh.

The fact that you pretty much never hear of an armed mass shooting victim is gun control working about as well as it possibly can.

I’ve seen a lot of yelling at the NRA, but I’ve yet to see one example of a law they blocked that would have prevented any of this.

There have been 80 million mass shootings since 2010. You’re probably being mass shot right now.

I get annoyed if a salesman doesn’t give up after two nos, and insulted if he gives up after one.

“I don’t know if people are going to buy Ben Affleck as being tough enough to be Batman.”
“Let’s have Jesse Eisenberg stand next to him.”

“What kind of stunt was that, Luke? That’s it! You’re off the Force!” -Captain Obi Wan

A dismissive attitude won’t get rid of Trump as that’s what created him.

In a way, Trump is the establishment candidate, because it’s almost solely the fault of the GOP establishment that he exists.

A surprisingly large amount of Twitter is being lectured on compassion by partisan sociopaths.

Doesn’t so many people feeling free to spew vile hate at gun owners prove they don’t fear their neighbor owning a gun?

If people actually feared NRA members, they’d be careful what they say. But everyone understands NRA members don’t shoot anybody.

It’s actually kind of beautiful that in America a large group of people known for owning guns are only feared because they vote.

So the NYT’s big idea to end gun violence – that absolutely had to go on front page – is to ban a type of gun used in like 1% of crimes.

The gun control people need a lot of introspection. The front page NYT editorial just demonstrates they have no clue why they’re irrelevant.

They care enough to scream at the NRA, but not enough to devote even one minute of clear-headed thought to the issue.

If you want to dictate who can or cannot have guns, you’ll need guns.

I won’t believe in climate change until the NYT does a front page editorial on it.

Hey, nut jobs, no one is talking about taking away your guns. Except for the front page of the New York Times.

One of the most common mistakes of inexperienced politicians is to bite babies instead of kissing them.

It’s really weaselly to lump suicides in with homicides when trying to make a point on guns. Those are two very different motives. And while gun control can reduce suicide by guns, there’s no evidence it reduces suicide overall.

I am baffled by gun control proponents inability to learn anything from their decades of failure other than to shut up about confiscation. And they can’t even do that consistently.

Tonight will be President Obama’s 80 millionth public address and is expected to have an audience of up to 5.

The more irrelevant the president is, the better the country is doing.

I once conceal-carried two full size .45s because it’s not entirely implausible a John Woo film could suddenly break out. #Merica

I hope President Obama isn’t announcing he’s joining ISIS. I think that would be a mistake.

If you follow the money, the main force behind gun control are bears waiting for humans to disarm so they can once again take over.

Shouldn’t we say “happy holidays” all year long?

Seems pointless to want to get rid of the 2nd Amendment when the 1st still leaves people access to killing words like “Muad’Dib.”

If we have strict gun control, no one will be able to commit a mass shooting without breaking the law.

“I honestly thought this was my last month as president, but I found I still have a whole other year left. I’m just as upset as you are.”

If you are a president arguing to take away people’s rights without due process, you are a bad president.

The FBI has a list of known terrorists, but they know Obama won’t do anything about them so they want to leave that up to gun store owners.

There is no gun crisis or Islamic terrorism crisis in America. Everyone calm down before you die of #1 killer heart disease.

If a Trump presidency makes us realize we need to severely limit the powers of the president, it might be a good thing.

So has anyone figured out how the Elf on the Shelf keeps moving every night?

The guarantee on the Elf on the Shelf box that it “won’t eat your child’s soul” isn’t as reassuring as they think.

The next New York Daily News cover should just say “IMPOTENT SCREAM” in their largest font.

You have around a 0.004% chance of being shot to death in the US per year. Much higher or lower based on whether or not you’re a gang member.

They should have a no terrorist list. If you’re on this list, you’re not allowed to be a terrorist.

“Background check said you’re on the terrorist watchlist, so you can only buy 8 guns.”
“But I wanted 9.”
“Shut up, terrorist!”

On the FBI watch list are Rolex, Casio, and Timex.

J is the best middle initial. Bullwinkle J. Moose, Homer J. Simpson, Donald J. Trump… great for cartoon characters.

Why do Republicans get all the blame for Trump? The Democrats being a bunch of incompetent, arrogant clowns was what made him too.

Really, who is less serious? Trump and his ban all Muslims idiocy or Obama and his blaming terrorism on climate change?

What we have is not Trump versus serious people. It’s an obvious clown versus people who aren’t aware they’re clowns. Pure clown fight.

The Trump slogan I would find the most persuasive would be “Why vote for the lesser clown?”

I explained to my 5yo about Saturday morning cartoons, how cartoons were only on one day of the week and you couldn’t control them.

My daughter “shared” a piece of her brother’s candy with me and I had to explain to her what a Democrat is.

Errors that cannot be reliably reproduced are the absolute worst.

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