Author Archive

Wisdom of the Day: Batman Right Kidneys City

Thursday, July 10, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Compassion and Outrage

Thursday, July 10, 2014 9:00 am

The compassionate thing to do would be for the government to adopt all those kids at the border and put them in a super soldier program.

I’d like to join in the outrage, but I’m kinda done pointing out Obama is not a very good president. Nothing left to say.

“I’m not interested in making plausible statements.”

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Wisdom of the Day: Hormonal Ginger iPhone Culture Germans Soccer Brazil

Wednesday, July 9, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Progressive and Germany Versus Brazil

Wednesday, July 9, 2014 9:00 am

The council shall be called in the Land of Cleve.

Have we ever considered just not having a president? He might be more trouble than he’s worth.

I’m glad the World Cup is over.

I’m a bit confused: Is “progressive” a euphemism for “liberal” or for “fascist”?

I’m possibly a liberal. Don’t think I’m a progressive. At least not in the direction most progressives want to go.

I guess the U.S. really did deserve to move on for losing to Germany by only one goal.

Starting to finally look like an American football score.

I really hadn’t been paying attention to the World Cup; so had Brazil successfully won a soccer game before?

Germany is only one touchdown ahead with 12 minutes left. Could be anyone’s game.

If you see a German smiling, you know something awful is happening.

Brazil’s seeker better catch the Golden Snitch soon.

Scoring that goal was a big mistake. Now they just made the Germans angry.

I hope we all learned from Brazil the dangers of caring about soccer.

Hopefully Brazil will wake up tomorrow and this was all just a horrible dream.

Scientists predicted that global warming could lead to lopsided German victories at soccer.

Can you buy Kindle books from Costco? Otherwise, don’t care.

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Wisdom of the Day: Duck Studies Vegan Marty Knight Run Chef

Tuesday, July 8, 2014 5:00 pm

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Nothing Threatens the Left Like the Right Fighting the Culture War

Tuesday, July 8, 2014 11:00 am

Since Adam Bellow wrote his article in the National Review about conservative fiction and the culture war, he’s gotten quite a bit of pushback from the the left (here, here, and here). There is quite a bit the left finds threatening about this, as they like to see themselves as the ones with new and revolutionary ideas, but the “conservative” label almost fits them more these days as they’re all stuck on stale, old ideas, and it’s the right that threatens to bring something new.

Anyway, I wonder what the reaction will be when Liberty Island publishes its first novel, Superego, by me, Frank J. Fleming. Hopefully everyone right and left will love it. You’d have to be a horrible person not to. And you can still preorder it by giving to the Liberty Island PubSlush campaign. Just ten days left to get the rewards.

Also, I do have another humor book coming out in November, Punch Your Inner Hippie, so save your pennies for all my books. I’m a book writer now, I guess.

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Random Thoughts: Mr. T, Hillary Book, and Community

Tuesday, July 8, 2014 9:00 am

In my slash fiction, DOS and Linux both use the same slash for moving through their directory structures.

Will someone please explain to us what sort of border laws we’re allowed to have and to expect people to obey?

My three year old daughter has banned me from doing a Mr. T impersonation :(

I didn’t know she had that authority.

It’s just that anytime I see 1yo drinking milk, can’t help but say in Mr. T voice, “Stay in school! Don’t do drugs! Drink your milk!”

The one year old finds that hilarious.

No one reading the Hillary book. Out a month, and someone just noticed it’s “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over and over.

You need guns to enforce a gun ban. Makes you think.

With the amount of regulations on businesses, you’d think they were one of the most dangerous threats to our country.

Hard to believe this Yahoo resurrecting Community thing. Giving show same budget NBC did. How does Yahoo even still have money?

Not to look a gift horse in the mouth; it’s just so unexpected. BTW, when Community returns, everyone watch it. EVERYONE!

24 has gotten me thinking: If ended up in a war with China, who would build our… everything?

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Wisdom of the Day: Reeves Screen War Relations Soccer Mario Story

Monday, July 7, 2014 5:00 pm

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Making the World Cup More Exciting

Monday, July 7, 2014 11:00 am

Now that the World Cup is over (as far as I know), what are some ideas for making soccer more exciting so that Americans might pay it attention?

With all respect to the performance of Tim Howard, to me the number one idea is getting rid of the goalie. The main thing that makes soccer so boring is so little scoring, so no goalie should help that right away. Just imagine if basketball had a guy whose job it was to hang on the basket and swat down every shot; think of how little scoring and how boring basketball would then be. Plus, a no goalie rule would keep soccer’s silly “no hands” rule more pure.

Yes, with no goalie, the U.S. would have probably have lost like 18-5 against Belgium, but that’s just the ridiculousness of one guy carrying the whole team. And an 18-5 would mean stuff happening throughout the game, instead of just three goals in the extra 30 minutes added after the mindnumbingly boring 0-0 tie in the first 90 minutes.

So how would you make soccer more exciting?

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Random Thoughts: Freedom, Humor, and Independence Day

Monday, July 7, 2014 9:00 am

Problem of our freedom solutions to the Hobby Lobby decision is the presumption that imposing the state on religious beliefs isn’t the goal.

I’d care so much less about politics if we just made it harder to vote away my freedoms.

I wish we had a more honest debate where the people against individual freedom came out and said so instead of trying to redefine freedom.

We’re trying to come up with “live and let live” solutions for people who don’t want to live and let live.

I’m sounding too righteous. I’m boring myself.

If at this point you still believe Obama has any idea how to create jobs, there is no help for you.

If we’re not going to advance in space any time soon, can we at least work on making battlemechs?

This has to be the best optical illusion I’ve seen. Figures in both pictures are exactly the same color and shading.

Wasn’t able to convince my brain of that. Had to prove it with photoshop.

Previously, I always thought this was the best optical illusion, where squares A and B are actually same color.

I mean “best” in that no matter how hard I stare at them, I can’t convince my brain the truth of the matter.

Did you know that Israel was founded by the Koch brothers?

These sort of articles always seem to be rooted in huge amount of insecurity.

I wrote an article on why the left can’t be funny. It’s stupid, but still less stupid than what Kevin Drum wrote.

I think the left have trouble with right-wing humor because we’re laughing at them and that’s never fun.

If they actually could laugh at themselves, they might like it, but for too many on the left, their politics is super serial, you guys.

Asserting that the left takes politics less seriously than the right should disqualify you from commenting on anything else ever again.

Why it’s just so absurd to me is I’ve long done a parody of extreme right to a mainly right-wing audience.

The right are very receptive to laughing at their own politics if they feel you’re laughing with.

Extreme partisans on either side tend to be humorless, though.

But part of being a conservative is having many things in your life much more important than politics.

Gah. I’m doing too many lectures these days. I want to punch myself.

The left and right agree at least half of politicians are pretty awful; shouldn’t that lead to both sides wanting less powerful government?

If global warming is real, then how come it’s made up?

Happy Independence Day! Also know as WHAT THE %#@& IS GOING ON?!! Day to dogs.

Worth noting this country wasn’t founded because the British were failing to supply entitlements.

“The government won’t force my employer to give me the birth control I want? Revolution!”

“The government won’t enact common sense gun control? Time to take up arms and overthrow it!”

Your liberty was hard won with much blood and sacrifice. Don’t trade it for baubles.

Remember, the worst thing you can do for a scared dog is coddle it. Shout “Tough it out!” just like you would for your scared child.

Why don’t the British ever just ask Americans how to pronounce words correctly?

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Wisdom of the Day: Suicide Meds Boycotting Captioning Heaven Dancing Drinking Choice Dad

Thursday, July 3, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Feminism, Redskins, and Transformers

Thursday, July 3, 2014 9:00 am

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t get why women can’t make us sandwiches before heading off to their feminist meetings.

State of gun rights fight: Weak request not to bring guns into store now “big win” for gun control.

When Obama puts “President” on his resume and applies for his next job, he’s going to really hope no one actually calls his references.

How about Washington keep the Redskins name but change their mascot to someone with first degree burns.

So, we didn’t win at soccer, but we should console ourselves with the fact that it’s a really really stupid sport.

So are we all prepared for the baby boom now that birth control has been outlawed?

We really need simple kids books explaining what is and isn’t freedom. Also one illustrating TANSTAAFL.

“My rights have been violated because I can’t force my employer to pay for Plan B!” We need to teach our children better.

“Because some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like plot or coherency. Some men just want to watch a Transformers movie.”

Not to disrespect Tim Howard, but wouldn’t soccer be 100x more exciting without goalies? Would’ve lost like 18-5 against Belgium, though.

It’s very hard these days to tell who really cares about civil rights and who only really cares about self-back-patting.

I think the average American is just confused on whether it’s wrong to have a border policy in general and to expect people to obey it.

I don’t care how many followers this will lose me: I think racism is wrong.

If you’re trying to save characters on twitter, another word for “semiautomatic gun” is “gun.”

Make sure to support Liberty Island and get my first novel when it comes out.

A lot of you people who think you’re oppressed are really just very whiny.

“Quit whining.” -the entirety of my inauguration speech as president #FrankJ2016

If a large number of population can’t even name the current president or recognize his face, then you have a great president. #FrankJ2016

Since both people for and against the Hobby Lobby decision are saying, “Birth control is not your boss’s business!” someone must be confused

Could Facebook revealing they’ve been doing a mood experiment be part of the mood experiment?

As for the games tomorrow, I don’t think you’re allowed to watch soccer on Independence Day.

I guess I’m a feminist, because I support a cheerleader’s right to hunt big game animals.

We get all angry when a human murders an animal, but did you know that most animal murder is a result of animal on animal violence?

I’ve never seen everyone outraged when a man poses next to dead lion. Only outrage when it’s an attractive woman. #mysogyny

The Jerk Store called; they’re no longer hiring because of fear of Obamacare mandates.

Transformers sequels are a failure of the free market. We need a law that if your movie is stupid nonsense, it can’t be longer than 90min.

I’m mainly a libertarian, but I’m not comfortable with my neighbor having a nuclear weapon or anymore Transformer movies.

The left is afraid religious will force their views on everyone because that’s exactly what the left does when they have any amount of power.

I’m always trying to boycott Hobby Lobby, but my wife keeps dragging me in there.

This is a fun logic game and I guess you learn geometry.

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Wisdom of the Day: Choice Maroon Bathwater Cannon Bully Wallet Belgium Whining Favorite Howard

Wednesday, July 2, 2014 5:00 pm

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Hated Animals

Wednesday, July 2, 2014 11:00 am

Out of curiosity, what animals do you hate? And let’s not talk about insects or common pests like mice. For instance, I hate Canada geese. Giant, stupid pooping birds that walk around like they own the place. Not sure if we call them Canada geese because they are from Canada or because we despise them as much as we do Canada. Also, I don’t like bears. Don’t know why something that eats berries and fish has to be a giant killing machine. It’s weird.

And don’t even get me started on monkeys.

So what animal do you hate?

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Random Thoughts: Feminists, Soccer, and Belgium

Wednesday, July 2, 2014 9:00 am

Waffles. Chocolate. There; I’ve exhausted my knowledge of Belgium.

How is Viagra analogous to a morning after pill?

“One half of this feminist lecture will be on not seeing women as sex objects and the other on what’s needed to enable female promiscuity.”

The people who ridicule soccer the most are the ones who tried giving it a shot and ended up even more confused why anyone would watch that.

“You can’t beat me. Lex. I’m Supergirl; bullets and bombs don’t harm me.”
“I’ve removed Plan B from your health insurance.”
“I’m powerless!”

If a woman can’t make her employer pay for Plan B pills, what rights does she have left other than all of them?

For the next game, the players should do laps around the field for 90 min and then do a shootout. Same result, but less risk of injury.

“The only winning move is not to play.” -thermonuclear war, soccer

I beat level 500 of Candy Crush. I feel like that should come with fanfare instead of the feeling of existential despair.

We’re paying attention to Belgium; when was the last time that happened?

Let’s beat Belgium and shove it in the face of Belgazor, tyrant king of Belgium!

The average Belgian is five times worse than Hitler. #BelgiumFacts

The national past time of Belgium is hating freedom. #BelgiumFacts

One does not simply walk into Belgium. #BelgiumFacts

I can’t get into soccer, but I can get into hating a foreign country.

The only notable Belgians are all serial killers and one member of Nickelback. #BelgiumFacts

A Belgian wrote the ending to Lost. #BelgiumFacts

Go USA! Kick that ball hard! Or in whatever manner you’re supposed to kick it! And win quickly as I can’t pretend to care for a whole 90min!

Having not been watching the game; I assume it’s a lot of the ball being kicked around with nothing in particular happening, but keep me updated.

One secret move is the double-kick, where the ball is kicked with both feet at once. Or maybe that only happens in foosball.

I kinda want America to win, but if we don’t lose here, we’ll just have a more humiliating loss later. #RealTalk

A good goalie is part of what a winning team needs.

Not watching the game; do we have any other players than Tim Howard or is that basically it?

I want America to win, but then I might have to care about soccer for one more game.

Do we have like a clutch goal-kicker we can put in?

The guy already blocked like two games worth of goals.

If the U.S. didn’t spend so much time dominating in business, science, tech, and culture, we could be a lot better at kicking a ball around.

See you in four years, soccer.

You did this to yourselves by trying to care about a soccer game.

If the whole game were the last 30 minutes, soccer might start getting American fans.

It’s weird for the U.S. in the World Cup since we’re kinda the underdogs, but at the same time we’re not since we’re the U.S.

So, soccer, do you want America to write you up a list of how to improve soccer and win U.S. fans? Because we have lots of good suggestions.

You really should consult with us; we have lots of modern, exciting sports in America.

Frenchmen being mistaken for Belgians being beaten up in the U.S. right now. And also correctly identified Frenchmen.

So what does Canada celebrate on Canada Day? That Britain gave them permission to be a country?

Neglected Canada today with focus on Belgium. Of all the countries we don’t care about, like spending most time not caring about Canada.

“I will never stop making Transformers sequels, each one louder and more pointless than the last until all hope perishes.” -Michael Bay

We’re not still talking about soccer, are we?

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Wisdom of the Day: Disagree Business Jokes Contraception Wallet

Tuesday, July 1, 2014 5:00 pm

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Have Some Sympathy for How Baffled Americans Are By Soccer

Tuesday, July 1, 2014 11:00 am

Most Americans just don’t get soccer. And we make fun of it. Soccer fans seems to think this ridicule of soccer is done out of ignorance — like we’re just making fun of something foreign to us — and don’t seem to understand exactly how genuinely baffled we are by the sport. The people making the most fun of soccer are the ones like me who tried to give it a shot. We saw how excited the rest of the world gets by soccer and wanted to join in the fun by watching some World Cup games. We knew the rules (it’s not cricket; a two-year-old can understand how soccer works) and we even watched a game where we knew the stakes and should have gotten into a competition — a USA versus a foreign country game. We love the USA and hate foreign countries and love to see Americans beat other people at things no matter what it is. If there was Olympic rock/paper/scissors, we would watch that. And yet, after watching some soccer games, we became even more confused than before about how anyone in the world could be anything other than bored by this absolute nonsense.

Now, everyone is baffled by the popularity of a number of different things. Like for instance, I can’t understand why I’ve even heard of Dane Cook. I couldn’t even get through a couple minute video of one of his stand up routines. But now take one of these things you completely don’t get and pretend everyone in the world absolutely loves it except for you. Like if you went anywhere else in the world other than the U.S. and said “comedy,” everyone would assume you were talking about Dane Cook. And his comedy specials would bring the whole world to a standstill as everyone watched them. When this happens, you’ve gone from being confused by the popularity of one minor thing to thinking the whole world is playing some sort of joke on you. And that’s how it is with soccer. Not getting how someone enjoys watching soccer is one thing, but seeing the whole world go crazy over it is just incomprehensible. Especially the last World Cup with the vuvuzelas; it was just impossible to fathom how anyone could enjoy that. Half the time I’m really convinced it’s some world wide conspiracy that everyone else in the world just pretends to like soccer and then laugh at us Americans behind our backs when they’ve finally tricked us into watching that stupidity.

And I get soccer. I understand how it can be fun to play. And I understand why it’s so widespread — it’s the simplest sport and you only need a ball and some way to mark goals to play. But because it’s so simple, I don’t get why anyone still bothers with it. It’s like Pong was this big phenomenon when it was the first ever video game people had seen, but no one still plays that today. But soccer still seems like this relic from the ancient past where it makes no sense anyone would pay attention to it when we have so many better modern sports to follow. Take soccer’s clock that counts up. I could see that happening over a hundred years ago when no one had seen an organized sport before, but by now shouldn’t someone have said, “Hey, see those others sports with clocks that tick down? That’s much more exciting!” And then there is the lack of goals. I mean why would I watch soccer when I can do so many other things in my day and not see a goal scored for ninety minutes? Have they even tried tweaking the game to make more things happen? Like making the goal bigger or the ball smaller? Unless you like seeing people act like delicate princesses and fall over at the slightest touch, there’s just nothing going on in most of the game.

And then there is the ties. In most soccer games, if there’s a tie at the end, they don’t even try to do anything about it. This is a competition, people! It’s supposed to have a winner and a loser! If you’re okay with 0-0, you didn’t have a competition, you just had ninety minutes of exercise. I know another 45 minutes would just be torture and sudden death would mean nothing when goals are already so rare, but at least act like a tie is unacceptable. Have some self-respect and try to do something about the everyone is a loser outcome!

Really, the only way I can understand soccer — other than it being a practical joke on Americans — is that the other countries have so little going on they can get emotionally invested enough in soccer that the sense competition finally overwhelms the mind-numbing boredom. Like if you projected all your self-worth onto a snail, I guess I could see you really cheering loudly at a mile-long snail race. So maybe Americans just don’t have the time or inclination to put that much emotion into soccer with all the other thing we have to do like make businesses, innovate, write blog posts, and be the best at everything worth being the best at.

So, as I was saying, Americans being baffled by soccer isn’t the usual Americans being ignorant of foreign things, but us trying to understand a foreign thing and being even more confused by it. I guess we just have to chock it up to American exceptionalism that we’re the one country that recognizes soccer as pointless, boring idiocy. So have some sympathy and put up with our jokes about soccer; the ones making the most jokes are the people who tried to understand.

BTW, since the Americans are facing Belgium today, I thought I’d link this old three-part In My World about Belgium. Boy, those In My Worlds were pretty stupid. But fun. Their popularity is much more understandable than soccer’s.

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Random Thoughts: Hobby Lobby Decision

Tuesday, July 1, 2014 9:00 am

Yay. A small majority of the Supreme Court still believes in the principle which was the entire point of founding this nation.

“If women have to pay for their own abortifacients, we might as well just give up being a nation.” -the left right now

“Hobby Lobby is against birth control.” -moron who doesn’t actually care enough about the issue to get the facts straight but likes yelling

OUT: “Government stay out of the bedroom.”
IN: “Hobby Lobby, get in this bedroom and bring me an abortifacient!”

If you want the government and corporations to stay our of your personal areas, PAY FOR THINGS YOURSELF!

Can’t we put all our disagreements aside and unite as a country to be bored by soccer?

“We’ll have no freedoms left if we can’t force people to do things!”

“There’s a Walgreens right over there and it’s open.”

Are people who keep acting like Hobby Lobby is against birth control in general misinformed or dishonest? Facts get in way of LOUD YELLING!

Don’t you support a woman’s right to choose what someone else should provide for her?

Many seem confused on the difference between “freedom” and “free stuff” which are not at all related.

My take on how the Hobby Lobby decision affects you: Not at all. Unless you like being outraged on Twitter.

That there’s much disagreement over whether the Hobby Lobby decision is for or against freedom shows we have a big problem in this country.

What is or isn’t freedom shouldn’t be debatable. Just ask which side wanted government force to be used to make someone do something.

If you’re against the Hobby Lobby decision, you’re not for freedom. You’re saying easy access to abortifacients trumps freedom.

It seems like President Obama would save a lot of time if he stuck to just doing things the Constitution says he’s allowed to do.

The easiest way to tell if someone overreacting to the Hobby Lobby decision is if they’re acting like it has any actual effect on them.

Guy on Twitter telling me case was all scheme by Hobby Lobby to increase investments in birth control they do cover. Pay off to Alito?

Guy might be a nut, but I also might be a nut so really hard to tell.

Is Best of the Web now behind a paywall? Alert the Supreme Court my rights are being violated!

I didn’t know Yahoo had the authority to renew a show for another season, but they are now my hero.

You have a right to promiscuity, but I question the wisdom of making it a right to celebrate above all others.

I love 24. In most shows, you root against the guy who tortures and murders people.

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Wisdom of the Day: God Pot Poison Condor Edna Star Transformers Banana Jihadi

Monday, June 30, 2014 5:00 pm

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Let Your Right Brain Run Free

Monday, June 30, 2014 11:00 am

Adam Bellow, one of the creators of Liberty Island, has the cover story in the latest issue of National Review talking about the case for a counterculture revolution (which I get to be a part of by getting my novel published).

BTW, still pushing for the first goal in Liberty Island’s PubSlush campaign. Give and get a reward if you haven’t yet, and pass on to anyone you think might be interested. And the cover image is currently being worked on for my novel, Superego. Can’t wait to see it and share it with you. It better be awesome, because the novel is awesome. Because I wrote it.

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