Random Thoughts: Honest, Healthy Hillary

I’m sure Hillary is as healthy as she is competent.

Probably the easiest place to get Apple’s new AirPods will be a lost and found.

I’m kinda offended by the Spanish word for the color black whenever I see it. They need to change it.

Always wondered what Scrooge McDuck’s accountant thought of his plan to put his money in a vault he could swim in instead of mutual funds.

Trump vs. Hillary makes me think of at least two people who deserve to be placed in a basket of deplorables.

Hillary holds half of all Trump voters in complete contempt. And the other half. And most of her own supporters. She’s not a people person.

Anyone really enthusiastic for either Trump or Hillary is deplorable.

“OWN IT!” -Sean Hannity selling mattresses

Trump versus Hillary’s running mate what’s his face would probably be a landslide for bland.

All these Hillary health questions are nonsense. For a good-sized portion of each day, she’s able to walk under her own power.

My suggestion for the Hillary campaign: Start making the font for “Kaine” a bit bigger.

We’ll all believe whatever explanation Hillary gives for that clip of her collapsing because of her notorious honesty.

When Hillary left Chelsea’s apartment supposedly walking under her own power, I could see wires.

The human response would be sympathy for Hillary, but it’s hard with all the dishonesty and opaqueness.

Can’t believe sexist coverage of Hillary. Anyone who’s been around women know they’re frail creatures who collapse constantly for no reason.

So first she was “overheated” and now she has pneumonia. Look at all the trust Clinton engenders.

“She just overheated, that’s all. And… she has pneumonia! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Now I need to go home to my wife… Morgan Fairchild.”

If Hillary has pneumonia, does that mean she was trying to kill that kid she hugged?

Don’t carry water for Trump or Hillary. That takes away as much of your soul as a horcrux.

Not to cry racism, but how come no one had a problem with the national anthem before we had a black president?

Bill Clinton: “This is nothing new. She collapses all the time. Doctors say we should be concerned, but I don’t care.”

Sounds like Mike Pence is deplore-unable.

Hillary is going to hug deplorable racists and kill them with her pneumonia like she did that child.

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A Great Nation

15 years ago today. It was an attack on American soil like no one living had ever seen. I was one of the “warbloggers” who started a blog soon after, feeling the need to get involved. So I made political posts with Aquaman references. Everyone can do something.

Times have changed. I’ve changed. But there’s still the belief that this is a great nation. There is something special about it. And the hope is there is a way for us to remember that without a huge tragedy.

Everyone seems so gloomy and depressed now, even though we continue to be a country with opportunity and ability like no one has ever had before. If we want to honor the dead and show our enemies, we need to reclaim the spirit we had after the attack on 9/11. The one where we knew that we are a nation who can take on any problem and any foe — people who are not going to get overthrown by their own angst and navel-gazing.

So whatever it is you do, put on a smile. Because you are in the greatest nation this world has ever seen. And kick some ass. Because that’s your duty.

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Random Thoughts: Sick Hillary

Why is their this debate on the definition for of “alt-right”? It’s the right wing from the upside down universe.

Remember that Twilight Zone where the guy walks out of his house to find taco trucks everywhere? That was terrifying.

Isn’t it now unAmerican to not like tacos?

It’s beyond absurd the idea of either Trump or Hillary being president.

Was a bit weirded out by the much darker, more serious The Tick on Amazon Prime. Not at all what I was expecting.

The amount of time spent on this Kaepernick nonsense is insane. We’re acting like he shot Harambe.

If you’re enthusiastic for Hillary, you’re a worse human being than Trump.

Rumors that Hillary is ill and most likely won’t live long make me more likely to vote for her.

There’s more to being a dad than bad jokes. But not a lot more.

Emperor Palpatine also looked very sickly, but he went on to serve for decades.

So I don’t have to “actually” you, if it swam or flew, it wasn’t a dinosaur.
And before anyone actuallies me, I’m referring to contemporaries of non-avian dinosaurs. Plenty of modern-day dinosaurs swim and fly.

If defeating Hillary blows away all other political concerns, you should have been screaming “Don’t nominate Trump!” during the primary.

Trump was a good candidate if burning it all down was important. If defeating Hillary or SCOTUS important, he was worst candidate to pick.

If you say nothing is more important than SCOTUS and defeating Hillary, but you weren’t against Trump in the primary, you’re a liar.

It is theoretically possible Trump could win, but that’s in God’s hands now. Stop playing pretend that National Review has say about that.

“And that’s all the new iPhone features. Oh, BTW, we removed the headphone jack. Bye!” :feed cuts:

Next they’re going to remove the ability to do a phone call on an iPhone and see if anyone notices.

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Random Thoughts: Be Woke

Both the Hillary and Trump campaigns would benefit from locking candidate in underground bunker and only letting surrogates talk for them.

I always thought “cons” was an abbreviation of “conservatives” but apparently those are two distinct groups on the right.

If #NeverTrump decided to put their full might behind Trump, I’d be surprised if they moved things one percentage point.

Anyone focusing on #NeverTrump is trying to pass blame, not win.

“Here’s Trump spokesman Ryan Lochte to explain how the election was rigged.”

The vote is rigged? That we have to choose between Trump and Clinton shows the whole system is rigged.

I’m not apologizing for my tone or anything I’ve said. Because I’m a winner.

With Obama paying hundreds of millions in ransom, I’m now worried about being kidnapped by Trump.

I always imagine Jesus turning to face the camera when he says the second sentence of John 20:29.

Most people think Hillary set up a personal email server for corrupt reasons, but it’s also possible she’s just an idiot with bad advisors.

When I ask my three-year-old what he did all day, he can never remember. I wonder if he’s an alcoholic.

Don’t get Harambe jokes. Nothing funny about how that plumber made him fall off the construction site. He wasn’t going to hurt that woman.

Advantage of Trump over Clinton is that more of the media recognizes him as awful and would continue to scrutinize him if he were elected.

What if Trump is underpolling because many of his supporters are incapable of human speech and thus can’t respond to pollsters?

How are some of you seeing Arthur Chu’s tweets? My understanding is he pre-blocks anyone who follows anyone other than Arthur Chu.

People being mysteriously disappeared for unexplained reasons is just part of Twitter’s charm.

An interesting strategy to try to reduce the amount of people being offended would be to ban the easily offended.

A great slogan for some activist, fair-trade coffee company: “Be woke.”

Gene Wilder was one of the greatest comic actors. Plus his name sounds like something a mad scientist would use for splicing DNA.

The “evolving superpowers” thing from the X-Men doesn’t happen in real life. Except for the electric eel.

Just found out about the SETI signal thing. If we’re visited by advanced aliens, make sure they don’t find out about Harambe.

I wonder what this election would be like if there was a libertarian alternative for president.

Where’s that article? My wife wears headphones all day and I haven’t been able to talk to her in weeks.

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Random Thoughts: More Ranting About Trump

If you didn’t realize Trump is horrible until now, you are also horrible.

When are they going to do a Legend of Zelda movie? I really want to learn the backstory behind Link’s hatred of pots.

There should be a presidential debate where at the beginning the CIA injects both candidates with a truth serum.

I’m libertarian except for all the things I don’t like.

Billy Joel should really update “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” And there should be a whole verse about Harambe.

If the media wants to put the fix in for Hillary, they need to focus on happy, positive new stories until November.

Video of Trump tossing the kid into Harambe’s enclosure. #OctoberSurprise

Recovered email of Hillary ordering a puppy being put to sleep for making eye contact with her. #OctoberSurprise

Hillary’s Goldman Sach’s speech transcript is just her barking like a dog while they throw campaign contributions at her. #OctoberSurprise

I don’t think they could have sold Obamacare as “the middle class needs to pay more for health insurance,” but that’s what it was.

“I have a great idea! Let’s rally behind the candidate who shares none of our core principles and has the worst chance of beating Hillary!”

What if RNC could somehow now replace Trump with some bland, generic Republican? It would be like the return of Coca-Cola Classic.

Well, I just hope the debates are going to be an insane farce we’ll talk about for decades.

Hey, Warner Bros., how about you have the people who make thoae really successful DC comic TV shows make the movies? Too simple?

It was kinda unclear what Trump was saying, unlike that time he pointed to a picture of Hillary while shouting, “KILL! KILL!”

I’m done with Trump outrage. He shoots his mouth off. Constantly. Can we stop pretending his latest idiot statement means anything new?

How do any of you still have the energy left to freak out about politics?

If SCOTUS is so important to you, why did you throw your support behind the one GOP primary candidate who couldn’t easily beat Hillary?

We need a Barack/Malia “I learned it from watching you!” ad.

That’s it! Trump is going to make the wall around Trump Tower ten feet taller!

The most important thing about this garbage fire presidential election is that neither the GOP nor the Dems learn anything.

Trump has an over the top awfulness you’d use if writing for a kids movie while Hillary’s awfulness is aimed at more mature audiences.

Hollywood should just keep doing all female reboots of popular franchises until every major studio is bankrupt.

Trumpkins, you successfully crapped all over the GOP, but stop pretending this is about winning the presidency or SCOTUS or other nonsense.
If you actually wanted to win the general and stop Hillary SCOTUS picks, there were other candidates who could have done that easily.
And stop pretending any of us pointing out that Trump is a giant turd have any influence over the outcome of the election.
Trump could possibly win, but that is beyond the ken of mortal man.
But congratulations on picking the one candidate who could lose to Hillary. She really needed that extra effort you guys made.
That all said, I don’t completely disagree with your burn it all down mentality. You just don’t understand you have that mentality.
When you cry “But SCOTUS!” you don’t seem to comprehend what you’ve done. Like someone crying, “My photos!” after setting own house on fire.

Obama founded ISIS? No way he has the leadership skills.

How could #NeverTrump be blamed for a Hillary win? They have no control over Trump constantly saying dumb things loudly.

I honestly don’t get the “Obama founded ISIS” freak out. That just seems like normal rhetoric after hearing the left during Bush years.

With Trump constantly trying to botch his own campaign, we need to ask: Is Trump #NeverTrump?
“No one in their right mind should vote for me! How hard do I have to try to convince people that?”

“There’s no ‘me’ in ISIS.” -ISIS slogan

Best case for this election is now Hillary giving her inauguration speech from prison.

If Hillary becomes president, it will be the fault of #NeverTrump for putting LSD in Trump’s drinks to make him say stupid things.

Everyone was surprised by Trump in the primary, but so far the general is going exactly as expected.

The polls showing Trump losing by large margins in all the battleground states is probably bad for him, but I’m checking 538 to be sure.

Yes. Yes it is bad.

Can’t believe people try to hand wave Gary Johnson on religious liberty. He’s a bad libertarian on issue that matters most to conservatives.

“I’m a libertarian except for religious liberty.” is as ridiculous as “I’m a libertarian except for government control of the economy.”

I think a lot people believe libertarian is just being grumpy about popular things. That’s Bill Maher libertarianism.

I think there’s an outside chance Trump might not win this.
Maybe I should give Trump sarcasm lessons.

#fav7films
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
The Princess Bride
Die Hard
The Empire Strikes Back
Casablanca
Seven Samurai
Tommy Boy

When I was a kid, we played Pokemon by shoving squirrels into Campbell’s soup cans.

“In reality, to evolve a Pidgey you’d need millions of years, not candy.” -Neil deGrasse Tyson to an empty wall as he eats alone

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Random Thoughts: The Depressing Official Candidates

“Man, we’d have this election in the bag if we just nominated absolutely anyone else.” -both political parties

The DNC keeps touting that Politfact rated the statement “Hillary is human” as “Mostly True”, but it’s not as helpful as they think.

Do we vote for the one who gave the Russians classified secrets or the one hoping the other one gave the Russians classified secrets?

Look all these awful people criticizing some awful people in support of some awful people.

It’s hypocritical of Hillary to talk about income inequality and compassion while wearing a $12,000 coat made from the skin of Harambe.

Is there anyone in America left who’s still interested in hearing Obama talk?

I think everyone would agree that if you think things are going in a great direction and you don’t want any change, Hillary is the way to go.

It’s depressing how many people are still willing to be suckered by an Obama speech. His words mean little against 8 years as president.

If we can at least learn a less from this Trump v. Hillary mess it’s don’t ever get emotionally invested in some idiot politician.

If Trump becomes president, does that mean 4 years of us spending a week analyzing a statement Trump didn’t spend a second thinking about?

Hillary is spending the morning working with Disney animatronics engineers to learn how to appear more human.

If they already have a Hall of Presidents version of her ready, they should have that give the speech.

Have you been watching any of the DNC? Kinda looks like they’re going to nominate Hillary.

FUN HILLARY FACT: Her husband had previously worked as a U.S. president. That’s what got her interested in the job.

How is Hillary a role model for little girls? “Marry an awful man who is going to do what you hope to do later.”

I really hope to raise my daughters to have more honesty and self-respect than Hillary.

What an inspiration to little girls it will be to see election of a soulless politician shoved down everyone’s throats by a party machine.

Hillary’s best message would be this is a great country, strong enough to get through someone as crappy as her leading.

Talking about great this country is emphasizes how absurd it is we settled on these two people as choices for president.

Did Hillary have to give a speech at the convention? I think she’d do better if she just hid in a bunker until election day.

The thing is, no matter how awful Trump is, when he’s speaking about how horrible Hillary is, he’s on point.
And vice versa.

Infinitely better than believing in science is understanding science.

So now it’s even more obvious that something really fishy is going on that anyone would be pay Hillary $200,000 to speak.

If Trump somehow does win the presidency, would that make the Dilbert guy our country’s leading pundit?

Honest question: Is there any other situation than voting where requiring a photo id is considered racist?
For instance, exercising the constitutional right of purchasing a firearm.

Rented Batman v Superman through Amazon Video and now it’s refusing to play it. Everyone’s a critic.

Big freakout about Harambe’s but no one said a word when Hillary had a zoo gorilla shot because it was blocking her view of another gorilla.

President Trump can only happen by both parties nominating extremely horrible candidates.

“Have you ever sacrificed, Trump?”
“A squirrel once stole a peanut from me.”
“That’s not–”
“I was going to eat that! @&$# squirrel!”

Hillary is a known awfulness we know how to work with. For instance, if we want black lives to matter to her, make them lobbyists.

Amazon Video wasn’t working last night and now Netflix isn’t working. Feels like the beginning of the end of society.

At this point, getting shocked by something Trump says is like getting shocked by something Charles Manson says. Horrible is expected.

The only really good part of Batman v Superman was near the end in that Batman fight sequence clearly inspired by the video games.

When you’re paying $200 mil for a movie, can’t you pay a guy to look over your script and say whether the story makes any sense?
I’ll do it for a grand.

How many times now have we thought a new horrible Trump statement was going to finally sink him?

“Hurm.”
looks over ballot
“So which horrible person who should never have power should we give power to?”

If they want to increase voter turnout, add a “No.” option.

Pocket Constitution? Can’t you just download a copy to your phone?

Just because Hillary challenges people to fiddle competitions to collect their souls doesn’t make her the devil.

Trump got a legitimate draft deferment because his fingers are too short to pull a rifle trigger.

I thought “too rich” was a legitimate reason for draft deferment.

Kind of seems hypocritical for Trump to be against stupid, noisy babies.

The Founding Fathers knew that when they came to take away our guns they’d start with the emojis.

Oh no! Trump is continuing to act as we expected him to act! Who would have expected this?

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Random Thoughts: RNC and DNC

If you don’t want your political opponents to chant “Lock her up!” then don’t nominate a woman who in a just world would be locked up.

Both parties nominated really horrible people. Can we get past pretending one of them is smart to elect president?

My pledge to support the nominee is superseded by my pledge to make fun of obnoxious clowns.

The easiest way to get a modern man to act like a Nazi is to convince him his opponents are Nazis.

I hope the Trump speech is an epic mess. “I want to start by listing the things I think Hitler got right…”

The only way Trump will get my vote is if he uses his speech to announce plans to nuke the moon.

If you put a gun to my head and made me choose between Trump and Hillary, I’d do an aikido move to disarm you.

I hope Trump’s speech is an hour long infomercial for his new line of gloves made to fit odd-sized hands.

Weirdest part of Trump’s speech was how he spent 30 minutes on the time he though Chuck E. Cheese cheated him out of tickets at skee ball.

What idiot called it “Darth Vader’s trap to capture his son” and not a Luke Cage?

Babies don’t get really excited when they see another baby. It’s nothing like when a dog sees another dog.

Trump’s overly dark picture of America is just him being prescient since our next president is gong to be either Hillary or Trump.

Jon Stewart made fun of Trump? Game changer.

Trump has finally revealed the details of his crime reduction plan and it’s lot more ninja turtle-based than I was expecting.

Oh, I have a page on IMDB. I had no idea. Nothing big; just felt like I should have known.

Both Pence and Kaine are kind of boring picks. Trump needed boring more than Hillary.

Was going to finally watch Batman v Superman tonight, but that lost out to watching more episodes of Stranger Things.

Is there any reason Stranger Things is set in 1983 other than nostalgia factor (which is admittedly awesome)?

Why would Russia try to stop Hillary? Did something go terribly wrong when they hit that reset button?

What are supposed to be Hillary’s big accomplishments as SoS? All I know off hand are Benghazi and the reset button.

We have the most horribly corrupt person to ever run for president versus the plain most horrible.

My attitude on the Netflix price increase was it felt wrong only paying $8 a month for all that content.

Burn, political parties! BURN!

I’m still baffled why DWS wasn’t fired years ago.

We really need a James T. Kirk to figure us a way out of this Kobayashi Maru election.

“Abandon all your core principles and vote for me to stop the other guy.” -primary slogan for both Trump and Hillary

“What happens when two joke candidates with no chance of winning run against each other? Find out in the wacky comedy Election 2016!”

When you assassinate, you make two asses out of I and Nate.

Got this comedy idea where both the Republican and Democrat don’t want to be president and do everything they can to throw the election.

On what day of the DNC do they parade a chained and hobbled Bernie Sanders?

My big hopes for the DNC is that an actual brawl erupts in the audience during Hillary’s speech. Fingers crossed.

It will really break the glass ceiling when we one day have a woman president who didn’t get there by being married to a previous president.

In the real world, any woman who breaks a glass ceiling would be immediately fired.

They searched everyone entering the convention to make sure no progressive tried to sneak in a soul.

Bernie Sanders: “Our corporate overlords have defeated us. Forgive me, Wall Street, I was a fool to ever stand against you!”

I thought Bernie’s speech was going to be him yelling, “Freedom!” While Hillary disembowels him.

Never understood the Elizabeth Warren appeal. Seems like a dim bulb. Like someone who should be writing click bait for Salon.

I’m guessing there’s a lot of overlap in people who are enthusiastic for Warren and people who were gaga for John Edwards.

Kinda weird that Hillary’s acceptance speech will be said behind closed doors to Goldman Sachs board members, but Bernie vouches for her.

There’s no Notepad++ for Mac? Why do people like Macs?

The second night of the convention is my favorite because that’s when they traditionally have the puppet shows.

In the new DuckTales reboot, is Scrooge McDuck going to get a lecture on income inequality every time he swims in his money?

Looking at the current state of international affairs, I’d probably leave it off my resume if I were the previous Secretary of State.

Boy that was a surprise when Bill Clinton took the stage and found Chris Hansen waiting for him.

They’re trying to sell Hillary as an outsider? The world map on her office wall is just D.C. surrounded by water.

“If the most unlikeable woman in the entire country can become president, guess I can be a scientist or something.” -girl inspired by Hillary

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Random Thoughts: Pokemon, Hillary, and the RNC

The new battleground state polls are a good reminder that just because Trump’s a dumpster fire doesn’t mean he’s a worse choice than Hillary.

My wife and I made sure we’re on the same Pokemon team because we don’t need that kind of marriage trouble.

I don’t care what members of the Supreme Court do. No particular way of behaving will stop them from being a bunch of clowns.

“Before we continue our list of individual rights, we’re going to take a break to talk about government run militias.” — This is an actual understanding of the Bill of Rights by some sitting Supreme Court Justices.

Here’s what won’t solve the big problems in our country:
1. Electing a particular politician
2. Enacting a particular law

If you vote for either Trump or Hillary, I’ll think you’re a horrible person. But I’ll kinda understand given who you were voting against.

Future generations will be baffled that we elected Trump, but then they’ll see the video of Hillary’s Pokemon Go joke and understand.

Pence seems like a boring choice. I was hoping for more Trump craziness.

One of the most important things when developing a video game is making sure it has a bat enemy in it that is both numerous and annoying.

Mature Programmer Frank has tried and failed to solve the problem. I’m handing it over to Hacker Frank. Hacker Frank doesn’t play by the rules, but, dammit, he gets the job done.

Hacker Frank, you magnificent bastard, you did it! You got it working! Now let’s just hope no one looks under the hood…

I want to take the kids to the park, but I can’t log in to Pokemon Go.

When listen to music in the car, it’s fun to tell my kids that whenever a song says “baby” they’re singing about actual babies.
“You’re no good.
You’re no good.
You’re no good.
Baby, you’re no good.”
That song got my daughter so mad.

My baby daughter attempted a coo.

Oy. Hillary still doing the old playbook of Pence being an extremist everyone should be scared of. Maybe she’ll add a Pokemon reference.

“Pence is just as extreme as Trump!” No he isn’t. Does Hillary really plan to win with the exact same dishonest nonsense as usual?

The problem is they’ve always called every Republican extreme. It’s left them with nothing to describe Trump as something new.

I hate clamshell packaging. When they encased Han Solo in carbonite, they at least designed a way to easily open it.

I think I felt more sorry for Hillary Clinton watching her deliver that Pokemon Go joke than I did during the whole Monica Lewinsky thing.

Why aren’t guns central to feminism? It’s an invention that equalizes the physical threat of men and women.
I need someone to womansplain this to me.

Hillary gets to be both a trailblazer as the first woman president and the most cynically status quo candidate of all time.

With the underwhelming opening weekend box office for the new Ghostbusters, I think we can safely say that’s the end of feminism.

If you didn’t watch the news, you’d be fooled into thinking we live in a peaceful, prosperous time.

Things done to save me time that just annoy me:
* Kindle books not opening to the cover.
* Netflix skipping the opening song of TV episodes.

I was really hoping Trump’s VP choice was going to be the transformer Starscream.

At the RNC, the ghost of Lincoln attempted to kill Trump, but it was dissipated when Trump supporters kept yelling “Cuck!” at it.

I can’t pretend to care about Melania plagiarizing some Michelle Obama speech no one remember. This entire election is already a clown show.

Had to use the chip reader with my debit card for the first time. Now I know how my mom feels with everything tech.

I don’t even get the point of a new chip on debit cards when most of my transactions are online where it’s completely irrelevant.

Say all the bad things you want about the RNC – they deserve it – but don’t act like it’s over the line to say Hillary should be locked up.

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Random Thoughts: Our Post-Pokemon World

You have a choice this election year. The two main candidates are horrible in completely different ways.

I’m a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. Ironman is neither made from iron or a man. Discuss.

“World ends because of Hillary. Will Republicans overreach?”

Hillary: “Police being able to kill people without consequences needs to end! Only I should be above the law! ME!”

So who do you want for president? A dumpster fire or the pure embodiment of everything we hate about politicians?

Hmm. Putting it that way, I kinda lean toward dumpster fire.

Has it ever happened that someone told an officer that they are CCW holder and then shot the officer?

People planning to do bad things with guns don’t apply for CCWs.

The only ones who see the world truly are babies. After that, we’re always struggling to see the truth through our preconceived notions.

In a nation of 320 million, one crazy person doesn’t necessarily speak of anything larger or significant.

My son hit his sister. I told him if he uses violence to get what he wants, that makes him no better than the government.

So does anyone know if the new Ghostbusters is any good or not yet, or am I just missing the point?

The argument isn’t that Trump is ridiculous. It’s that he’s a worse kind of ridiculous than what we normally put up with from politicians.

My church isn’t a PokeStop, but the vape shop next to it is.

Do skyscrapers skip the 69th floor or do the workers there just put up with people stopping by to say “Nice.”?

If you act like either Hillary or Trump is a great candidate, you’re either an idiot or a liar.

So how much money would businesses pay to be a PokeStop?

I never had any strong feelings on the new Ghostbusters movie. I’ll probably watch it when it’s available to rent on Amazon.

I was completely stumped on what I was supposed to do to pass the time while waiting for my phone to be repaired.

Pokemon Go is so buggy though. I just want at its source code. I know Unity! I CAN FIX IT!

SMOD is part of the #NoLivesMatter movement.

The way to make a better, more harmonious world is to put Pokemon in it.

It’s comforting to know that at the end of the day even Bernie Sanders is a soulless politician with no integrity.

The Supreme Court was unable to play a game of Candyland because they couldn’t agree what the rules meant.

I don’t know if Barack Obama is a particularly terrible president. He’s just a really small man that people keep expecting big things from.

It is not 1968 again. 1968 did not have killer robots.

It’s easier for a teenager to get his hands on a gun than on a MewTwo.

It was really disrespectful how President Obama looked for Pokemon during the funeral. Understandable, but disrespectful.

Know who likes Pokemon Go the best? Dogs. So many extra walks.

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Random Thoughts: Above the Law

“All men are created equal” is unprovable, but principles like that are what you need a country to be based on to give it strength.

If you actually tried to base policy on “evidence” or science, history shows you’d have an extremely bipolar government.

People can be horrible when they’re sure religion proves them right, but wait until you have those who are sure “science” proves them right.

Avatar is the sort of movie you’d expect from someone who is a fan of the Star Wars prequels.

If everything in life had a linux command line I could easily access, I would be unstoppable.

I find I’m a bit more attentive with my children if I keep track of the hours I spend with them so I can bill them when they’re older.

Netflix raised my rates from $7.99 to $9.99. Don’t tell them, but it’s worth way more than that to me.

It almost seems like those Hellmans mayo squeeze bottles are specifically designed such that a third of the mayo never escapes the bottle.

For a country founded by the average man rising up against an oppressive government, we sure have an obsession about not giving up our guns.

America has a stark choice this election year between an incompetent crook and an idiot clown. Make sure you vote.

This would be a great year for some sort of candidate who is for both liberty and the rule of law. That would be neat.

“Trump 2016: A broken man for a broken system”

Don’t promise me tax cuts or a booming economy. Promise me politicians and bureaucrats in prison.

Hillary could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and while she might lose voters, she wouldn’t be prosecuted.

Is this what “Purge: Election Year” is about? “During the election year, for politicians all crime is legal.”

If the Founding Fathers who wrote the 2nd Amendment saw the guns legal in the U.S. now, they’d think we’re hella cool and give us high fives.

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Random Thoughts: Sit-ins and Brexit

I’ve yet to see a measure labeled as “common sense gun control” which was likely to stop a single criminal from getting a gun.

We have two awful people running for president, and they can be truthful and effective when talking about how awful the other person is.

Whether you leave the EU or not, you’re still going to be Europe, so I don’t know how things will get better.

They should make the next Doctor Who and James Bond the same person.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen the “I’m Just a Bill” School House Rock segment. Where does sitting on the floor fit in?

Usually people do protests to influence legislators, so when legislators do a protest it just seems like they’re confused.

What would be funny is if Britain left the EU and then became the 51st state of the U.S. “The circle is now complete.”

I know it’s fun to pretend, but you don’t actually get a say about whether other people – good or bad – will have guns.

Scientists have yet to develop any sort of defense to a roundhouse kick.

Republicans should unban automatic weapons and then Dems should ban them and they’ll have made progress on guns for all anyone will know.

Remember that gun from Turok: Dinosaur Hunter that would fire a projectile that drilled into people’s heads? Did we ever ban that gun?

Don’t think sitting around is going to get rid of the Bill of Rights. Dems are going to need red coats and muskets or something.

Don’t take anything I say as criticizing politicians for sitting around doing nothing. That’s pretty much the best they’re capable of doing.

The cheering on of the attacks on the 5th and 2nd Amendments displays pretty starkly how little liberalism remains in the left.

The Democrats are staging a sit-in to ensure that President Trump can use secret lists to take away people’s rights.

Trump is a garbage fire. And Democrats are no more serious and no less horrible than Trump.

Will there at least be a lady EPA that’s the villain in the Lady Ghostbusters?

Well, the sit-in ended, but at least no one learned anything.

The sad truth is that most of what we call the right and left in this country are reactionaries with no coherent political philosophy.

America is so civilized that people can say the awfullest things about a group known for owning guns without any fear of physical violence.

I’m much more proud than I should be that my 3yo son has gotten good at Temple Run.
“He’s playing video games at a 1st grade level!”

If Britain votes for Brexit, they’ll announce “So long and thanks for all the crumpets” before blasting off into space.

Americans are interested in a vote in another country. We should get a gold star.

Coming soon: The Texit vote.

Can the U.S. also vote to leave the EU or is that restricted to members?

“Traitors to the crown will be BREXECUTED!”

The sad fact about the EU is that a union of states just doesn’t work without first having a war with Britain.

A nation governing itself? Insanity!

So next from Britain comes a declaration of war against the rest of Europe, right?

I don’t understand all the politics involved in Brexit, but a bunch of weenies are freaking out so maybe it’s good.

Is Russia in Europe? I never really understood where Russia is. Always confused it with Mordor.

What the left are going to conclude about Brexit is this is exactly what happens when you aren’t condescending enough.

I’ll always remember when the Brexit results were announced the deafening cries of “Blimey!” and “Cheerio!”

Dismissing the concerns of large groups of people and calling them racist is probably a great long term strategy.

EU? More like “Ew!”
Political commentary brought to you by Jammie Dodgers. “Jammie Dodgers: Probably some sort of quaint British thing.”

Why can’t the effete elites and the beer-swilling working class be one happy family like Frasier and his dad?

Come on, GOP, dump Trump at the convention. It will be completely insane, and frankly, that’s what 2016 needs more of.

I would never write villains as one-dimensional as ISIS.

I’ve only read the GoT books and not seen the show. I believe I’ll eventually see the sixth book. I have no faith I’ll ever see the seventh.

One of the advantages of a Trump presidency is you won’t have the media constantly rallying behind him to cover up his incompetency.

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Random Thoughts: Gun Control Won’t Stop [omitted]

Keeping a gun store from selling a person a gun is not the same as keeping a person from obtaining a gun. It’s not even close.

The absolute best gun control would only stop a handful of really dumb criminals from obtaining one of the 100s of millions of guns.

The solution to guns is to put a malicious, all powerful child in charge who can then wish all guns into the cornfield.
Kinda sounds like I’m advocating a Trump presidency.

You can be put on a list without trial and then denied rights? I don’t see how President Trump could abuse that.

The important thing with Orlando – as with any tragedy – is we get fearful and trample rights. That’s called “doing something.”

I want this country to go north, and this election I get a choice between southwest and southeast.

The left wants secret lists of suspected “terrorists.” Know who also kept secret lists?
That’s right. Santa.

You’re going to lose anyway, Trump, so make sure your VP choice is completely insane.

I think I spotted a flaw in this “stop terrorists with gun control” plan. What if the terrorist is willing to break gun laws?

The woke opinion on guns: It’s impossible to stop anyone from getting 1 of the 300 mil guns in this country and it’s playing pretend to try.

With proper measures, you can stop small children from getting access to guns. Anyone else, if they want a gun, they’re going to get one.

The best that gun control can achieve is you’ll be able to add an illegal possession of a weapon charge on top of the charges of murder.

For a country full of different cultures, religions, huge disagreements – all with 300 mil guns in the mix – we actually do pretty okay.

The silver lining of the 2016 presidential election is that no matter what I’ll get to watch someone I really dislike lose.

Our liberty makes it easy for lots of bad people to do bad things. Is that now an argument against liberty?

I don’t think Sanders’s “free AR-15s for everyone” plan is realistic.

Maybe instead of always yelling at and being mean to guns we should learn to live peacefully with them.

No one should be able to own more than two AR-15s. You only have two hands for firing, so more than that and you’re up to something.

Have we banned invisible guns yet? For all we know, they do exist and we just can’t see them.

Isn’t all this talk about guns distracting us from climate change?

BREAKING: A number of scarecrows have been arrested for straw purchases.

Did Gotham really need a Batman? Couldn’t they just enact gun/freeze ray/poison laughing gas control?

One day we’ll develop smart guns. And then they’ll take over and enact people control.

My favorite part of Father’s Day so far was giving my 3yo a “we don’t punch food” lecture after he didn’t like that his sandwich had mustard.

Sometimes I get the feeling Obama isn’t very serious about tackling omitted.

Looking at the redacted Mateen transcript, I can’t help but think “This is why we have Trump.”

leans in close to ear
“Hail [omitted].”

“We have nothing to fear except [omitted].”

And can we trust their translation of “Only gun control can stop me!” if we can’t see the original Arabic?

Politics is a big dumpster fire but at least everyone is getting united against due process.

You lost because you wanted to weaken due process for a measure that wouldn’t stop a single terrorist from getting a gun.

The AR-15 is like the pitbull of guns. It gets all the negative attention while not being fundamentally different from any of the others.

If only someone warned people that nominating Trump was a bad idea.

Don’t blame me; I’ve been making fun of Trump as an idiot since I was 12.

If you have a list of actual terrorists, why are you letting them run around just hoping no one sells them a gun?

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Hillary, Guns

“We thought this dumpster fire was going to turn into something else in the general.”

The GOP are realizing too late that the politically courageous thing would also have been the politically smart thing.

Hillary Clinton proves that a woman can do anything as long as she marries a man who did it first and has no principles to hold her back.

The Democrat primary is a thrilling story of someone overcoming all her advantages to eventually beat the underdog.

Has La Raza ever released a formal position on the Trump Grill taco bowls?

“This shattered glass ceiling was brought to you by Goldman Sachs.”

“Let’s elect this rabid squirrel! He’s not beholden to any special interests… other than rabies.”

This is good.
This is fine.
Things could be worse.
The country will most likely survive this.
At least, maybe, the planet.

“Mr. Gorbachev, delete your account!”

Watching Batman: The Animated Series with daughter. She thinks it’s “silly” Batman keeps saving the Joker from dying. Yep.

Noticed in The Animated Series, Batman doesn’t have a Batman voice. He has a Bruce Wayne voice he only uses when in public as Wayne.

There are freedom and liberty solutions to problems… if anyone is still interested in that sort of thing.

Remember when the Democrats rejected Hillary Clinton as old news back in 2008? Good times.

Now we’re to the stage of the election where the Democrats who rejected Hillary as old news in 2008 pretend to be excited about her.

Republicans, on the other hand, are stuck pretending their abhorrent garbage fire looks great in the living room.

The most destructive myth about science is that it is capable of ending debates once and for all.

People keep referring to #NeverTrump as some sort of organized group, but I thought it was just people who think the guy is awful.

Can’t wait to introduce my kids to the favorite show from my childhood, The Simpsons, and then it’s weird to remember it’s still on the air. I was Bart’s age when the show premiered. Now I’m Homer’s age.

Stop offering “thoughts and prayers”! Instead, pretend there’s a magic gun control law that would have stopped this that the NRA is blocking.

Apparently, people are congratulating Trump every time there is an Islamic terrorist attack. Is he the leader of ISIS?

If the idea is gun laws can stop a terrorist attack, does that mean we need stricter gun laws than Paris?

Gun laws can’t stop a terrorist attack. They can’t even stop a gang shooting.

We should have hate crime laws. It should be illegal to love crime.

There is no need for the average citizen to have guns. Only President Trump and his cronies should have guns.

I never thought I’d have to spend so much of life explaining which films are Pixar and which are CGI Disney.

Background checks won’t stop murderers from getting guns. Bans on AR-15s won’t stop mass shootings. You’re not taking this seriously.

Two things left are arguing right now:
1. A man who is basically Hitler could become president
2. Only the government should have guns

You can’t ban “military-style weapons” because you can’t base a law on a made up term with no concrete definition.

If a type of gun is way too lethal for any person to have, then start by banning it from government use.

The world used to be a peaceful utopia, but then guns were invented in the 1960s and have been nothing but trouble since.

There are over 100 million Christians in this country, all with easy access to guns. If you’re honestly scared of Christians, HOLY CRAP!

How about just a ban on assault Muslims?

If you don’t want people to have guns, you’re going to need a lot of guns.

Repealing the 2nd Amndment doesn’t remove the right to bear arms. It just allows the government to use force to oppress that right.

The Bill of Rights doesn’t create rights; it just makes them explicit in hopes our government won’t infringe them.

U.S. could raise revenue with freemium model. Everyone gets to play democracy for free, but you can buy liberty gems to unlock more votes.

“The government should be allowed to make a ‘bad person’ list and if you’re on it you can’t buy a gun. Or vote.” -progressives, maybe

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE: “Let’s see what the Constitution has to say about this.”
holds up Constitution puppet
PUPPET: “Commerce clause!”

If you believe a “good guy with a gun” stopping violence is a fantasy, disarm the government.

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Random Thoughts: Gorilla Attack!

President Obama has a sketchy record on war. The lowest point was when he beat a civilian family to death with his Nobel Peace Prize.

So are we on to the general election version of “Sure, Donald Trump is ahead in the polls, but here is why that means nothing…”?

“So, Goldfinger, do you expect me to talk?”
“No, you’re always talking. I want you to shut up.”
“Too bad! We’re talking!”
-Girl James Bond

Do movie funerals ever get rescheduled on account of no rain?

Each day we come closer to the realization that the Democrats are nominating the one candidate who could lose to Trump.

Genders were invented by religious extremists in the 1950s.

Don’t elect the brand new horrible screw up. Elect the usual horrible screw ups.

I like libertarianism, but a Libertarian Party is almost oxymoronic.

A libertarian party just won’t work. We need a Libertarianish Party if the point is to actually elect anyone.

Been programming C for decades, but for the life of me, I can never remember how to do a switch statement without googling an example.

Does the “R” next to Trump’s name mean he’s a Republican or that he shouldn’t be viewed by children?

Why in the world should we apologize for Truman’s decision to awaken Godzilla?

Can’t believe Captain America said “Hail Hydra.” That’s more the sort of thing I’d expect Trump and Hillary to whisper to each other.

Hillary is the only candidate with a solid plan to solve the problem of Hillary Clinton not having enough power.

Hey, Republicans, if we all work together, we have a longshot chance of stopping Hillary and instead electing someone else really horrible.

“Do you want to get shot in the right leg, idiot? Then vote for getting shot in the left leg!” -people trying to motivate me on this election

It’s sexist to distinguish the new Ghostbusters by using the gendered term “girl Ghostbusters.” Instead, call it “Lesser Ghostbusters.”

Trump would demand Japan apologize for hitting our atomic bombs with their country.

I’m sure glad the progressives got the presidency, House, and Senate in 2008 and then fixed everything.

In Return of the Jedi, what would things have looked like if Luke’s rescue of Han went exactly as planned? Or did it go exactly as planned?

I think the single worse thing about the Star Wars special editions is the removal of the Yub Nub song. Had to show daughter correct ending.

We can make more gorillas.

We have sympathy for gorillas now, but through much of history gorillas did nothing but kill humans until we invented the katana.

What if gorillas locked us in cages and shot us? Oh wait; they did a movie of that plus reboot.

Talking to my 5yo, I realized how weird it was to say out loud that we went to the moon before I was born and haven’t been back since.

TRUMP: “When I was a kid, my dad took me to the zoo and I shot three gorillas. No one cared. A few people screamed.”

Unless there’s some rash of kids breaking into zoo exhibits, I don’t get why you wouldn’t treat this as a freak occurrence and move on.

Great piece of advice: Never worry about things that make the news. By definition, they’re rare.

The mother already watched her kid get dragged around by a gorilla. You can’t come up with a greater punishment than that.

One Moment: “Prisons are over-crowded!”
Next Moment: “We need to punish that mother before she lets her kid in a gorilla enclosure again!”

What’s more likely to keep someone from letting kid in a cage?
Possibility of fine.
Possibility of kid getting killed by gorilla.

Why’d they have to shoot the gorilla? Couldn’t they have instead sent in a grizzly bear to fight it?

Being up to date on the happenings of politics now seems as low class as being up to date on the happenings of the Kardashians.

With the right policies, we could stop that gorilla tragedy from happening again. Also, if we do nothing it most likely won’t happen again.

Seeing the flash media reaction to David French, it’s really no wonder we ended up with Trump.

BREAKING: Police have determined that Harambe the gorilla did not die of natural causes.

Again, I’m old enough to be president now. If elected, I promise to just cash my paycheck and play video games all day.

My one goal as president would be to have the lowest number of Americans ever be able to name the current president.

If you want to write effective gun policy, first step is abandoning the idiotic notion you can keep bad people from getting guns.

Great. Someone dropped a Bag O’ Guns on a kid’s foot and now Walmart won’t sell Bag O’ Guns anymore because they’re “too dangerous.”

Let’s put a wall around Hawaii. It’s just sitting out there all alone and exposed. Does this worry no one?

My company, Emergent Order, is about to release it’s first feature film, At the Fork. With the terrible election ahead of us, it’s good to remember that our choices as consumers have a lot more impact.

If you have any positive expectations of a politician whatsoever, you will one day be gravely disappointed.

The left has long had a hear-no-evil, see-no-evil approach to violence on their side, and that’s yet another thing coming home to roost.

This election is becoming a fascist slap fight.

Debate rules this year says Trump and Hillary have to take a photo standing next to each other for Face Swap app purposes.

If we’re so curious about what was on Hillary’s email server, can’t we just ask the Chinese?

So who do I vote for in a choice between racists and violent fascists?

Journalism is so horrible these days. Anyone trying to inform you of things is probably in league with Satan.

How I wish the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was an option in this “Choose the form of your Destructor!” election.

I hope the Cincinnati Zoo is going to finally add a “WARNING: Gorillas” sign to the gorilla enclosure.

The only things Hillary and Trump say the truth about are the horrible things they say about each other.

What’s your favorite Beatles song about murdering people with a hammer? Mine is “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.”

Trump doesn’t trust Mexico or any country next to Mexico.

So I guess the answer is general election Trump is the same as primary Trump.

The general election choice will be between Hillary Clinton and a garbage fire, and Hillary is polling slightly ahead.

But Trump promised the RNC if they rallied behind him he’d stop being dumb and horrible!

Roger Clinton in the news? The 90s have become an undead zombie trying to kill us.

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Random Thoughts: Acceptance

Trump vs. Hillary is just stupid. If you get worked up over either choice, you’re an idiot playing a game made for excitable dummies.

I don’t like what Facebook did, but I don’t understand why the government would get involved.

I might support Hillary if she signed a no tax pledge. Or a no eating children pledge. But she won’t sign either.

“We interrupt this TV show you DVR’d a week ago to tell you about storm conditions you hopefully already handled appropriately.”

The conservative movement is dead! Let’s all stick to fighting about who get to push who around and who spends everyone else’s money.

I don’t have to get drunk to have fun or be incoherent.

One thing you can say for the Republicans over the Democrats is at least they tried to have some non-horrible choices for president.

Paul Ryan and Donald Trump teaming up to fix the country could be a good buddy comedy.

The best choice for Trump’s VP would be John Miller.

If Trump called her “Hillary Crooked,” he might stand a better chance of getting one of her spokespeople to slip up and call her it.

In this election, conservatives have nothing to gain and nothing to lose (that isn’t already lost), so might as well not get worked up by it.

When it’s pouring rain and I know I’m going to get soaked no matter what, I walk and don’t run. That’s how I feel about this election. Relax.

Porta Potties have never cared what gender you are or think you are. Let’s just put Porta Potties everywhere. Porta Potties for freedom!

Leonard Snart is my favorite character from the Arrowverse. He could read from the phonebook and make it sound like a snarky comeback.

Hillary is a lot more likeable if you pretend she’s a Borat-type satire of what everyone hates about politicians.

The Hillary vs Trump spectacle will achieve something lasting and useful if it reduces our reverence toward the office of the president.

Rain. What is it? Where does it come from? Scientists don’t know.

Trump plans to balance his ticket with “a really classy broad” while Hillary is required by contract to pick for VP the CEO of Goldman Sachs.

I’m really hoping Donald Trump releases a video rant on the female Ghostbusters movie.

How did they screw up and accidentally cast all women for Ghostbusters? I bet some movie exec got fired for that one.

“Trump is horrible” is a legitimate observation, but you have to remember that Hillary is also horrible as are both parties and the media.

If the new Ghostbusters bombs, it will probably be a while until they let women be in movies again.

If you just frame it as “who do we want to be king idiot of our moron government?” we have two great choices.

One of the big differences between Hillary and Trump is that more people pretend Hillary is a serious candidate.

“Keep Austin weird… but in no way that’s innovative.”

I hate when you go to a site and it autoplays videos. Hey, YouTube, I just want to read angry comments in peace!

I don’t get the term “waffling” in politics. Waffles are consistent. They’re always yummy.

All these idiot college kids asking for a safe space need to talk to some astronauts and realize space is never safe.

I want a government so small we won’t care that it will always be run by horrible idiots.

Finally saw Civil War. The 30 minutes of Spider-man in it basically beat out all the other Spider-man movies.

Bernie Sanders is one of the most honest and authentic people to run for president in a long time. He’s also one of the dumbest.

“If you want a cash refund, we’ll need a receipt.”
*waves hand through the air* “You do not need a receipt.”
-Return of the Jedi

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