* Big news yesterday. Obama took a strong, clear pro-donor money stance.

The funny thing to me is that what brought on Obama “courageous evolution” was Joe Biden just shooting his stupid mouth off as usual. All indications are that the White House was caught off guard by it and basically it, along with the North Carolina vote, made his position on gay marriage no one believed look all the more craven. They figured supporting gay marriage will hurt him with whatever religious voters the Democrats haven’t already scared away but him looking like the politically calculating coward he is was even worse.

So courageousness!

This probably neutralizes the flip flop issue for Romney, though. When called on anything, he can just say he “evolved.”

* I’ve already got a couple fund raising emails from Obama where you’re supposed to award him for his courage.

It starts “Today, I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer”. Yeah, after 99 times of hedging on the answer. Yet, lots of Dems are applauding this. In their hearts they know how craven he is, but once again they want to believe. I always said this should be the campaign poster for Obama:

* Meanwhile, we got the back-patters like Shep Smith telling us how the issue is already decided and anyone against gay marriage is on “the wrong side of history.” Do they really think this gay marriage issue is going to end Christianity? The Bible seems to have a pretty clear definition of marriage straight from Jesus, so I don’t really see this going away. It may be like sex before marriage where society has decided its okay and most people ignore Christian morality on it, but the opposition will never end. “We’re really modern and we all believe this now” is not a sound theological argument that lasts.

* In non gay marriage, the economy is still crumbling and many people are still thinking of reelecting the incompetent boob who has been presiding over it.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon Henke:

This is, what, the umpteenth consecutive news cycle that’s not about Obama’s record and the economy? This is how Democrats will win.

America’s views on president Obama are evolving.

Intelligent design explains Obama’s positions much better than unguided evolution.

What great timing on Obama coming out for same-sex marriage with this big vote coming up for North Carolina!

Doesn’t Obama’s new views conflict with the teachings of his pastor Jeremiah Wright who says that gay marriage was invented by the CIA?

Obama can be a leader if you browbeat him and tell him what to do.

If only Obama’s donors would pressure him on the deficit.

HEADLINE: “President Likes Donor Money”

And now people will have to explain the president’s new position to their children. “Mommy, what’s ‘craven’ mean?”

This whole episode has made Biden look like an idiot savant instead of just the usual idiot.

Forget it, people. We’re never going to talk about the important issues in this country. They’re either too boring or too scary.

For people who think that one day gay marriage will be uncontroversial to all, I don’t think the Bible has evolved.

So which is more surprising: That Obama came out for gay marriage or for federalism?

I’ve received the copyedited ms of my next book to review. Just another day in the life of an IMPORTANT WRITER.

BTW, “ms” stands for “manuscript.” That’s IMPORTANT WRITER lingo.

I evolved. My views on gay marriage remained the same, but now I shoot lasers out my eyes.

Meghan McCain is entertaining.

Meghan McCain is the future of the Republican Party. She’s Nova.

You know your joke may be too obscure if you had to google the reference yourself.

“The Plan to Keep America Awesome” is not the final title for my next book. It’s “How to Fix Everything in America Forever.”

This whole day Biden has been playing in a sandbox, unaware of events.

I ENJOY USING CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

To do before jury duty: Get a t-shirt that says “Jury Nullification.”

* So Dick Lugar lost his primary. Ends up Republicans are starting to get tired of entrenched incumbents who are completely useless at achieving conservative ends. We keep getting told that if we just get reasonable candidates and never care about actually achieving anything, we can keep getting absolutely useless Republicans elected who never do anything. But the Tea Party is all for being risky and maybe actually doing something about the deficit before the country collapses. That’s why they’re radicals. You only get to be part of reasonable side of the GOP if you’re all for standing back and watching the country slowly get crushed under its debt.

* In the Democrat primary in West Virginia, prison inmate Keith Russell Judd got 40% of the vote. In fact, West Virginia Democrat Senator Joe Manchin wouldn’t even say who he voted for in the primary.

Maybe they just really like dogs in that state. And who has more baggage to deal with in the general: A prison inmate or Obama with his economic record?

* North Carolina has banned gay marriage. That’s the state Democrats are having their convention in this year. Because Obama also hates gay marriage. Though I think he was against the law in North Carolina. So he’s against gay marriage, but he’s also against being against gay marriage.

Some people act like gay marriage is this huge civil rights thing and everyone is evil and a hater who opposes it, but if they really cared that much, then shouldn’t they be excoriating Obama for his hugely cynical position on the issue and calling him a hater as well? But they don’t, so obviously no one really cares that much about same-sex marriage. Until I see them constantly screaming at Obama, I’ll assume gay marriage is just a silly partisan thing.

* Ends up Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors weren’t Cherokee but instead murdered Cherokees. That clears things up. So the reason Warren joined all those Native American groups was so she could more easily round them all up and make them march the Trail of Tears again.

* This is pretty weird: Obama’s White House requires visiting unborn children to be registered. I assume Obama then sends the mother a card explaining how much they’ll save over their lifetime for the cost of an abortion now. Because he’s budget conscious and helpful and doesn’t like people being punished with babies.

Obama’s creepy. Did you know he eats dogs?

* Wisdom of the Day from Kevin Eder:

Obama, who single-handedly devised the most audacious military plan in 500 yrs, can’t formulate a position on same-sex marriage. #GutsyCall

Has anyone used the headline yet “Lugar Misfires”? If not, it’s yours for free.

So what’s Obama think about the North Carolina vote?

You can always look to Obama to find a leader. He’s the guy Obama is following.

So Elizabeth Warren is 1/32 Cherokee and 1/4 Cherokee murderer.

Maybe Warren joined the Native American groups so she could more easily round them up and force them off their land.

So does anyone actually sell those holsters that makes the gun pop out your sleeve right into your hand?

For women whose husbands don’t have a chance of being elected, is there a way for them to be proud of their country? #AskMichelle

Can’t Chick-fil-A hire Jews and Muslims to work on Sunday? Don’t hire atheists, though; can’t trust the godless with chicken sandwiches.

Shouldn’t we have evolved by now to not have hair on our arms so pulling off band-aids doesn’t hurt?

Finally watching Moneyball. I hear who Jonah Hill plays is actually a composite character and once dated Obama.

* The CIA stopped another underwear bomb plot, this one originating in Yemen. Obama released a statement saying, “I made the gutsy call that the CIA should stop bomb plots, so I basically I stopped the bomb myself.”

Notice how terrorists are still pretty stuck on the whole “blow up an airplane” thing? There are so many things to blow up, yet that always seems to be most of their focus. They’re just not very original thinkers… luckily.

* Some woman said that Obama should be tried for treason, and Romney didn’t say anything. Because of that, Obama has been arrested for treason and now sits in a cell awaiting execution. Way to not show leadership, Romney!

Yeah, the Democrats are trying to make a big issue out of this. They didn’t care when all sorts of awful things were said about Bush and there were plenty of assassination fantasies out there, but now we’re supposed to believe they actually care about this sort of stuff. I’m tired of pointing out all these double standards though — you could do it all day. I just go with this general rule: Whenever the left act like they really care about something, it’s just partisan BS. Always. There is absolutely nothing out there where if you switched the parties they would still care about it. Rape (Bill Clinton), Murder (Ted Kennedy) — nothing. If a liberal is acting like he really cares about something, he is being disingenuous. Only trust liberal hipsters who never act like they care about anything.

* It’s pretty much a bipartisan agreement that Obama is a disingenuous creep on the gay marriage issue, right? I mean, no one actually believes his incoherent “I’m against gay marriage… sorta… but evolving” dribble, correct? I mean, if we find anyone that dumb to believe Obama on this, that person should be publicly shamed as an imbecile. Everyone should agree with that.

So what’s Obama going to do if he gets reelected? Of course, that’s the question on everything. And the answer: Not much. Especially if Republicans keep the House and gain the Senate as most are predicting.

* Wisdom of the Day from Brian Cates:

We’re constantly told about capitalism’s failures but never about socialism’s awesome successes.

* I’m pretty sure scientists hate dinosaurs now. They seem to be doing everything they can to ruin everything that made dinosaurs cool when I was a kid. First, they changed the term “dinosaur” to now include birds. If a sparrow is a dinosaur, that significantly cheapens the term. And then scientists started putting feathers on pretty much all the dinosaurs — even the T Rex. Finally, they’ve taken away the awesome “dinosaurs were killed by a meteor story” and replaced it with “dinosaurs farted themselves to death.” So what were once giant terrible lizards are now just farting Big Birds. Thanks, scientists. Do you want to take away anymore planets while you’re at it? Why don’t you just team up with Michael Bay and completely finish off my childhood.

Europe is not going to grow their way out of their situation unless they have Ant-Man type growing powers.

First they put feathers on them and now they’re saying they farted themselves to death – why are scientists trying to ruin dinosaurs?

If you see a blank page in a book and it doesn’t say, “This page intentionally left blank” on it, should you panic?

“I can’t buy my own birth control; I don’t even know how money works. Tee hee! I’m just a girl!” -modern feminist

“You’re making me angry. You’re going to love me when I’m angry because it’s super awesome when I smash stuff.” -a more honest Bruce Banner

I haven’t seen Avengers yet. Now I know what a poor, underprivileged kid in a third-world country feels like.

Oh, the poor, underprivileged kids in third-world countries saw Avengers a week ago.

“We should grow our way out of this problem.” -Henry Pym’s editorial on our financial crisis

BREAKING: Because Romney didn’t speak up, the president has been tried and executed for treason.

Show I’d watch: Find people who actually believe Obama’s BS on his gay marriage position and ridicule them live on TV.

I swear, McCain is fighting harder for Romney to be president than he ever did for himself.

If that Battleship movie looked any dumber, I might go see it.

There’s no such thing as a pegasus unicorn. I’m not letting Buttercup play with that.

* So the socialist won the French presidential election. I know what you’re thinking, “Great! That exactly what France needs to turn itself around: be more socialist.”

Anyway, what they’ve been doing in Europe is this thing called “austerity.” That just a fancy word for “doing the only sensible thing.” You see, the governments there are spending way more than they take in, so they’re trying to cut spending because that’s really your only option in that situation.

Ends up the only sensible thing is super unpopular.

So France has elected a socialist to end all that austerity. Greece also struck out against austerity. They’re going to grow their way out of this situation. Or maybe ride unicorns across a rainbow out of this situation — whichever is more realistic. I mean, how are they going to grow out of this? “Hey, businesses, ignore our oppressive taxation and costly welfare state and come here!” Any day now, Europe is going to get burned down for the insurance money as that’s the only option left.

* I think Obama also wants to grow us out of our current debt problems. Or give us free contraceptive until the problem is fixed. Or he just doesn’t care at all about it. Yeah, I think it’s the last one.

* Obama may not get to try his pro-”not caring about important issues” strategy as Romney is closing in on him in the polls. I still can’t believe Obama gets 47%. I mean, 47% of people are looking at what’s going on now and saying, “I want more of this!”? I understand people may think Romney won’t be a good president, but it seems ridiculous to think he’d be a worse president than Obama. I mean, what are the chances we’d get the most horrible president ever and then get an even worse one? It’s got to be minuscule by any statistical model. Voting against Romney because you think he’d be worse than Obama is anti-science.

* Biden says he’s “absolutely comfortable” with gay marriage. I’m just surprised he didn’t say “literally comfortable.”

So what is Obama’s position on gay marriage? He’s against it but… not really… maybe. He has a Schrödinger’s cat position on that issue, and we never get to find out whether the cat is alive or dead until a bill actually ends up on his desk. And he’s going to do whatever he can to avoid that. At least until the election is over.

* Wisdom of the Day from Bryan Donaldson:

The most popular method of birth control for married couples is obstinance.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Darth Chipmunk

To complete the satire, shouldn’t Mel Brooks release a special edition of Spaceballs with unnecessary additions?

The more people stop looking for work, the more unemployment drops and the better things appear. Despair is Obama’s ally much more than hope.

Fonzie was apolitical.

Here’s the secret to my success: Just before I was born, I hit up up down down left right left right B A start.

So, internet, what’s happening today?

I don’t get the point of horse racing. They’ll never beat a motorcar.

Now, if they trained horses to drive motorcars, that would be quite the race.

I once drove a motorcar. I got it to quite a mighty speed before it caught fire. Then I wished I had a horse.

The more successful comic book movies we have the more likely we’ll finally get Aquaman on the big screen.

It will probably be a darker, grittier Aquaman. The Wet Knight.

The traditional Cinco de Mayo drink is one part tequila to five parts mayonnaise.

Being part of the Justice League is much better than the Avengers because you just sit around all day while Superman does all the work.

For a change of pace, I’m writing a screenplay about a some-nonsense cop who’s a little sketchy about the rules.

Game of Thrones is just a ripoff of those Capital One commercials with the Vikings.

Why do we still have courtroom artists? The legal system is aware of this thing called “a camera,” right?

I’ve always said the problem with France is it’s not socialist enough.

Wow. Over the weekend, the Avengers grossed 0.001% our national debt.

So is austerity just a fancy word for “doing what’s necessary”?

And who is all the money owed to since every single country is deep in debt?

If I had to guess what Samuel L. Jackson programmed his Siri to call him, it wouldn’t have been “Sam.”

With 13% unemployment for blacks but over 90% support for Obama, when do we get the book “What’s the Matter with Harlem”?

The Life of Julia slideshow Obama unveiled was just a rough draft. Obama has since consulted with futurists and science fiction authors to give more precise details about what life will be like with Julia under his guiding hand versus what will happen if Mitt Romney is elected. And I got my hands on these details and reveal them in my new PJ Media column.

AGE 25

Under President Obama: Julia graduates college and looks for a job. No jobs are currently available, so she is given more contraceptives. She watches on TV as President Obama, now immortal in his robot unicorn body, is democratically elected god king. Thanks to the new two-way TV design, she is comforted by the fact that Obama could be looking back at her.

Under Mitt Romney: Julia ventures out only at night to make it harder for Bain Capital’s hunter/seeker robots to find her.

* In my new New York Post column, I explore whether the the reason people think there is a bullying crisis is because bullying has gotten worse or because kids have gotten sissier. If kids have gotten sissier, then the last thing we need is to end bullying. Instead, I outline a new government agency to get kids the proper amount of bullying.

A new Department of Bullying can determine the precise amount of bullying children need for proper development and send government agents to dispense it. If we’re too cash strapped for a new agency, we can probably just make it part of an agency that already has lots of experience in bullying, like the IRS (or the TSA, but that would probably be too creepy).

* So Obama put up this super creepy thing: The Life of Julia. It’s about how an otherwise capable individual can remain dependent on government throughout her life thanks to Obama planning it out for her. It’s sort of that creeping liberal fascism where they want to be in every aspect of your life whether you actually need them or not. For a country founded on people coming to an empty land with nothing and living and dying on their own ability, isn’t that about as anti-American as you can get? Of all the dog-eaters we could have elected President, why did we have to pick the one with the least understanding of basic American principles?

James Taranto made a good observation in that there is this big gap between ages 42 and 65 because presumably your only function to the government then is to work and earn money for the other Julias. And the timeline ends at 67 as presumably its hoped you’ll die soon after as that will really help the budget.

* Job growth has slowed again. You’re telling me Obama’s focus on contraception didn’t help?

* Things apparently weren’t going so well for Osama bin Laden in his last days. Newly declassified documents reveals he was a very frustrated individual. Nothing was going as he planned, people kept confusing his name with Obama’s, and then Navy SEALs shot him in the head and chucked him in the sea. It’s like that line from the theme to Friends: “Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.” I’m sure things are getting better for him now, though.

* Russia is threatening to strike NATO missile defense sites, because they won’t be our friends unless they have the ability to nuke us. It’s starting to seem like the difference with our relationship with Russia between the Cold War and now is how honest we are with where we stand with each other. We need to send Rocky to punch out their champion again.

* Nancy Pelosi apparently wasn’t amused by the Hey Girl, It’s Paul Ryan blog, so her office tried to respond with pictures of Paul Ryan with what are supposed to be humorous captions, but apparently she and her staff understand humor about as well as they understand conservative principles. Anyway, go look at her attempts at being funny and think to yourself, “The brain-dead, out of touch weirdos behind these are the ones trying to control our economy.” That’s our system, and I’m sure that will be pretty funny to the archaeologists who dig us up thousands of years down the road.

* Wisdom of the Day from Alex Baze:

My favorite Occupy Wall Street chant goes “What do we want?! Seriously, we desperately need to clarify our message!”

* New Steven Crowder video! The Dark Knight versus the Occupiers:

I wanted to see Batman punch hippies.

Liberals: “We’re not fascists! Now here’s what your whole life should look like cradle to grave according to the government’s plan…”

The arc of feminism seems to be moving women from quiet dependent of husband to whiny dependent of government.

At age 50, Julia trades three shotgun shells for a gallon of gas and tells children about the “long long ago.”

The most exciting part of Dreams From My Father is where Obama realizes that his composite girlfriend is a Cylon.

Remember when people ventured west in search of new government to help them out?

At age 32, Julia only ventures out at night to make it harder for the Obamabot hunter/seekers to find her.

At age 22, Julia receives a visit to her home from President Obama. Later that day, she can’t locate her dog, Spot.

At age 27, Julia boards up her door as zombies claw at it, loudly cursing Obamacare all the while.

I hope the dad from Red Dawn is in the Avengers. “AVENGE ME!”

Expendables 2 trailer, you had me at Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger driving around in a smart car with machine guns.

If my name was Munch, instead of painting a screaming guy I’d make my own cookie brand.

At age 33, after living a carefree life thanks to Obama’s government programs, Julia is consumed by Morlocks.

Obama 2012: “You’re nothing without me! Nothing! You hear me, Julia? Nothing!”

At age 68, Julia receives a helpful monthly reminder of how her dying soon would be helpful to the government’s budget.

Obama made sure Chen got some free contraceptives. I don’t know what else you’d expect him to do.

Saw the latest Spider-man trailer. I’m more hopeful this one will be able to get the humor down correctly. A big part of Spider-man is cracking jokes. Toby Maguire didn’t do that part well.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “You have to cover contraception in your insurance.” #PelosiJokes

* So have you ever wondered how Barack Obama wrote a couple memoirs while never once doing anything useful to anyone? Easy: He just made stuff up. Obama admitted that a girlfriend mentioned in Dreams From My Father was actually a “composite” girlfriend. So how much more of his books is just made up? And has anyone actually read these because why are we just finding out the dog-eating and the imaginary girlfriend stuff now?

Fine. I’ll read his book.

Hmm… most of it is about him being a hard-boiled private eye in New Orleans. And then he meets a magical unicorn that only he can see that helps him solve crimes. It’s pretty good, actually.

* On the subject of made up stuff, Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren is apparently a millionth Cherokee and once claimed minority status. I mean, if I said “privileged, white, humorless, feminist liberal”, an exact image of her springs to mind, and yet she tried to pretend she was some sort of discriminated against minority. And now she’s crying sexism that someone would make an issue of this. I think someone has been drinking too much fire water.

Man, does Scott Brown luck out on opponents. I think it’s the liberals have gotten too fat and lazy in Massachusetts since they’re just not used to having any competition. In most other states, liberals would be a little more wary to hide Elizabeth Warren type nonsense.

* Romney is actually trying to hold up being wealthy as something to aspire to instead of something to whine and bitch about. He went to a rich friend’s home and said:

“What a home this is, what grounds these are, the pool, the golf course, you know if a Democrat were here he’d look around and say no one should live like this. Republicans come here and say everyone should live like this, all right. This is a really tribute to America, to entrepreneurship.”

I don’t expect much out of Romney, but Americans have kinda had the hope beat out of them by the Obama years, and it is time we aspire to better things instead of just whining about the others who already obtained it. Obama wants everyone to be happy just barely making it, and America needs a much bolder vision than that. One of us sitting on a pile of riches laughing down at all other countries.

* Apparently there is some weird, low pitched hum emanating from America that only Canadians can hear. This sounds a bit like something from an X-Files episode. If Canadians heads start exploding, we’ll know something is up. As to why our government would want to explode the heads of Canadians, I can’t say. The government does lots of things I don’t understand or care about.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dave Weigel:

Tip for Elizabeth Warren: If Scott Brown’s campaign tries to give you free blankets, SAY NO.

We should have known Obama’s girlfriend in “Dreams From My Father” was made up since her name was “Georgia Glass.”

I never thought the kid who ate dogs and had an imaginary girlfriend would one day grow up to be president.

I’m pretty sure I’ve been clear that SarahK is a composite wife.

The whole Jon Lovitz thing is fascinating. I love his honest surprise that anything he is saying is controversial or newsworthy.

So what’s Scott Brown’s secret to getting horrible opponents?

“So I’m supposed to vote for the guy whose wife is in the thousand dollar shirt? COME ON!” -citizen Gob

“On this anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death,” President Obama told the press, “it’s important to remember how awesome it was that it was my say so that made bin Laden dead. I still remember making that momentous decision.”

* * * *

“Okay, I need a yes or no on getting bin Laden,” the general told Obama.

“Could you explain the options again?” Obama asked.

The general sighed. “‘Yes’ means we will send SEALs in to get bin Laden. ‘No’ means we will not send SEALs in to get bin Laden.”

Obama nodded. “I’ve made a decision: I vote ‘Present’.”

“That wasn’t one of the options! Here, we’ll try something new.” The general held out a colorful ball in each hand. “If you pick the red ball, we get bin Laden. If you choose the blue ball, we don’t get bin Laden. So pick a ball.”

Obama studied the two balls carefully. “I want a purple one.”

* * * *

“And who can forget the heroism of the Navy SEALs?” Obama continued in his speech. “Well, I often do when telling the harrowing tale of how I made the decision to get bin Laden, but the SEALs deserve at least some credit. I still remember personally greeting them after they did their minor part in stopping bin Laden.”

* * * *

The president’s aide rushed into the Oval Office. “Mr. President, I have some… news to tell you.”

“What?”

“Osama bin Laden is… dead.”

Obama stood up from his chair. “But I just saw him on TV alive and well!” Tears welled in his eyes. “How did this happen?”

“The SEALs shot him in the head, sir.”

“What?! They were supposed to bring him back alive! And then we were going to come to a peace agreement together, live on television!” Tears started to stream down his face. “And then we were going to be best friends and I was going to show him my model train set and then we were going to upgrade it to high speed rail together!” Obama fell back in his chair and buried his head in his arms, weeping. Finally, he looked up. “At least tell me they gave him a proper Muslim burial.”

“They… chucked him in the sea.”

Obama let out a mournful cry and put his head on his desk while sobbing.

“Anyway,” the aide said, “the SEALs who did it are here to see you.”

SEAL Team Six entered the room. Obama then rushed them, pounding one on the chest with his tiny fists while screaming, “You monsters! All he wanted was to get Muslims more respect and you shot him! You monsters!” Obama then collapsed to the floor crying.

The SEAL looked to the aide. “Are we done here? We want to go get beers.”

“Sure.”

They left and Obama weakly looked up at his aide. “I’m going to need some comfort food.”

The aide nodded and then turned to the door and yelled, “WE’RE GOING TO NEED A NEW BO!”

* * * *

“But we can’t let all that silly SEAL team worship overshadow my heroism,” Obama told the press. “It’s like in Star Wars how everyone recognizes that the true hero of the movie is the guy who told that stupid farmboy Luke, ‘Hey, go blow up that Death Star.’ That’s me; it was all my idea to kill bin Laden, and it got done.

“Now, would Romney have made the same decision? Probably not. He’d be too busy counting his money to approve of killing bin Laden. That’s what happens when someone is an out-of-touch, really rich guy instead of an in-touch, somewhat rich guy like me.

“Anyway, of course I’m now writing a new memoir — my third. It will be entitled ‘I Killed bin Laden’. It will be only five pages, but unlike my other memoirs, it will have an actual accomplishment in it instead of just a bunch of padding written by Bill Ayers.”

* * * *

At a campaign event, Romney responded to the charges that he wouldn’t have ordered the raid on bin Laden’s compound. “That’s ridiculous,” he told the press. “If I got a report that a foreigner had been located, I would have asked, ‘Does he do lawn work?’ And when I was told that no he did not, I would say, ‘Then we should do something about him.’ Then I would have written out the order to handle that bin Laden chap and handed it to my butler to be delivered to the right people. And then I’d let other people take care of all the details because I’m a very rich, important person who can’t be bothered with such things. But it’s preposterous to say I would have shied away from ordering a kill on bin Laden; even that eunuch Jimmy Carter would have done that.”

“It’s true!” Jimmy Carter said, popping up behind Romney. “If you drew a line representing my level of competency, knowing to order a raid on bin Laden would be one of the few things that fell under it.” He patted Romney on the back. “Thanks for recognizing that.”

“Eww.” Romney dusted of his suit jacket. “You’re getting peanut shell dust and failure on me.”

After awhile, you get used to 9% unemployment. #ScrappedObamaAds

Kids used to like me. #ScrappedObamaAds

America was always like this. #ScrappedObamaAds

If you like your job, you can keep it. #ScrappedObamaAds

As Good As It Gets #ScrappedObamaAds

Obama: “There’s too much focus on Luke blowing up the Death Star. I want to see more about the guy who gave him the go ahead.”

Obama makes me think of Mr. Burns telling Daryl Strawberry to hit a home run. “I told him to do that!”

Holy. I just looked it up and that Simpsons episode I just referenced came out TWENTY YEARS AGO.

Politicians are morons. If you can find one who knows he’s a moron, make him president.

Conservatives are too mad about Obama celebrating OBL’s death. Have some compassion; IT’S ALL HE HAS!

Every president deserves at least one accomplishment. I assume Jimmy Carter did something right. I don’t know what; I’m not a historian.

My proposal: New taxes on putting all your belongings in a handkerchief tied to the end of a stick.

Why do Americans pay taxes at all? Can’t we just tax foreigners?

UPDATE: Linked by Last Jedi Master