Author Archive

An Explanation for the Left

Sunday, August 31, 2014 5:11 pm

It seems that the denizens of the political left in our country are tired of hearing about Obama golfing so much and don’t understand why everyone seems to be so upset about it. I encountered one such confused person on the internets the other day and explained it to him thusly:

Maybe this is just me, but if I were the President of the United States and there was a rampaging horde of maniacs cutting people’s heads off in the Middle East and threatening to spread that into Europe and heaven knows where else, I’d probably postpone all golf trips, fundraisers, vacations, and dinners until, at the very least, I had some kind of strategy to deal with it. Then, once the plan was in action, I might do 9 on the course to relax a bit, having actually done my job and all.

Somehow I doubt that will make sense to someone who’s first reaction to any criticism towards Obama is to bring up Bush. But hey, I tried.

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Rhino Poaching Hits an All Time High in South Africa

Wednesday, October 2, 2013 1:33 pm

According to this news story, Rhino poaching has gotten out of hand and they may be facing extinction in South Africa.

I’ve got a plan…invite the poachers to Washington D.C. We’ve got tons of the bloated creatures there, and we actually want them extinct.

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You Have a New Friend Request From State

Friday, July 19, 2013 5:00 pm

So I guess the State Department was feeling lonely or had low self-esteem or something and decided it would be a good idea to try and increase their popularity on Facebook by getting people to “like” them. And of course, they did what most people that have no friends do on Facebook and paid “professional” Facebook friends to follow and like them.

You know, people in India and China who sit around all day liking and befriending people on Facebook for money. I don’t know how many faux Facebook friends three quarters of a million dollars can buy, but that’s what State felt was a modest amount of our tax dollars to spend.

It seems to me that there might be better ways to increase the popularity of the State Department, assuming that being popular even matters. So I thought of some other things they could try…

    Ways the State Department Can Make People Like Them Better

• Target Americans with drones that deliver free bacon.

• Enter John Kerry in to the Kentucky Derby.

• Apologize for Benghazi Hilliary Clinton kowtowing to Foreign Leaders mistakes made by rogue low level agents.

• Diplomacy by Twitter!

• Start pointing out that, at least they aren’t the NSA, IRS, or the Justice department.

• Or Congress…

• Letting people who connect to them on LinkedIn be ambassador for a day in the terrorist-ridden hotspot paradise nation of their choice.

• Issue an official State memo insulting the French.

Well, there’s probably more, but I’ll leave that up to you guys.

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Vehicle Control Advocates Say the Time is Now for Auto Bans

Monday, April 15, 2013 3:00 pm

[Article cross-posted at Nuking Politics]

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – Activists rallied at the National Mall today to voice their concerns about the growing danger of vehicles in the hands of crazed drivers, particularly high capacity vehicles.

“I demand all high capacity cars be outlawed!” shouted Daniel Smith, an organizer for the vehicle control advocacy group Coalition to Stop Car Violence. The advocacy group was just one of many organizing the rally that brought an astounding thirty five people to Washington to have their voices heard.

Most vehicle control advocates are just focusing on high capacity vehicles, and the Obama Administration seems to be catering to their concerns. When asked about the President’s stance on the issue, White House press secretary Jay Carney said that the President feels the time has come to put strict limits on how many passengers can be loaded into a single automobile.

“The President is in agreement with the people on this matter.” said Carney. “What we’re looking at most are the really large and dangerous vehicles, such as buses. Too many people are being run over by buses year after year.”

When questioned about Obama’s use of buses, Carney replied: “It is the President’s opinion that high capacity vehicles, such as buses, should only be in the hands of highly trained government drivers.” When asked further about the President’s use of buses to dispose of political liabilities, Carney shouted “Look! Squirrel!” and stood motionless with his eyes closed until the press room emptied.

While the support to place limits on large vehicles capable of being loaded quickly seems to be growing, some are arguing that just banning high capacity vehicles simply isn’t enough and a few lawmakers in the House and the Senate seem to be hearing them loud and clear.

“I hear them loud and clear,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “The time has come for common sense vehicle control, and not just high capacity vehicles like station wagons, vans, and buses, but also more dangerous vehicles.”

Senator Feinstein is leading the charge with a proposal that would have a sweeping effect on what will be allowed on the road…and on the sidewalk. Included in the draft of her bill is a complete ban of military assault style scooters, which are common in retirement areas.

“Buses are killing our children, and vans are kidnapping them.” said Feinstein. “But another issue that is overlooked are these dangerous scooters that are being foisted upon our senior citizens. These things can kill, and should only be allowed for police and military use.”

Not all groups feel that there needs to be vehicle control. Steven Oppy, president of the Monster Trucks, Guns, And Beer Association told us: “These people keep going on about common sense, but they’re not making any sense at all. It’s not big vehicles that kill people, it’s lousy drivers. I mean, have you ever driven in Detroit? Those people are crazy.”

Oppy and his group suggest an alternative to vehicle control: not allowing idiots on the road. “Really, that’s all we need to do to cut down on accidents.” said Oppy. “Send all of the idiots to California and then build a wall.”

But the Vice President, an Idiot-American himself, couldn’t disagree with that sentiment more. While giving a speech at a luncheon for the Disabled Veterans of Call of Duty Association, Biden briefly but passionately gave his opinion on the matter.

“Why do people need so many seats?” said Biden. “Why would you even want to sit in the back seat of a vehicle? It’s called shotgun people! Just ride shotgun.”

_______________
NPN ace reporter Gendaibushi [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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Komrade Michelle Leads Glorious Nation’s Youth in Healthy Revolution

Friday, March 22, 2013 5:38 pm

Chicago, IL (NPN State News Service) – The picturesque scene at the McCormick Place convention center in Chicago was one of true patriotism and revolution as the Dear Leader’s glorious and most beautiful wife, Comrade Michelle led our great nation’s youth in a new revolution against being a fat and lazy citizen. In an effort to mark the occasion, these young revolutionary comrades starved themselves for many hours in protest of evil greedy capitalist excess.

Our brave police forces helping out.

Our brave police forces helping out.

Said one young revolutionary, Comrade Kevin Archer a 3rd grader at Novak King Elementary School, “I do this for the revolution and to stop being fat. No good citizen should be fat. Being fat is being a capitalist traitor. I am feeling a bit sick now though.”

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.


Many of these brave youth were near fainting when Comrade Michelle made her appearance after hours of waiting for the beginning of these glorious festivities. In an effort to keep our young comrades from failing in their duties, blessed members of our revolutionary police forces helped prop up our young heroes. Not a one of these brave children left their post during the ceremony as our brave police forces kept them from falling over with the butt of their rifles.

As Comrade Michelle delicately floated across the stage to deliver her speech, the young revolutionaries cheered as the band played our national anthem. Before speaking, a great and glorious image of our Dear Leader was gently lowered from above the stage so that all may bask in his wonder and salute the savior of our great and glorious nation. Some of the young revolutionaries, weak from hunger, were helped to salute by our brave police forces.

Comrade Michelle looked out over the glorious future of our glorious nation and said “You, comrades, are the future of our glorious nation! You are showing the rest of our comrades how to live in a patriotic way, without food and excess. It is you who will continue the revolution and destroy the capitalist fatties!”

Comrade Michelle’s speech lasted for an hour and was followed by many glorious celebrities and athletes praising the Dear Leader and decrying the evils of eating food and becoming fat like a traitorous capitalist.

Our Glorious Leader

Our Glorious Leader

One NBA basketball player said “I didn’t get to where I am today by eating food. I did it through hard work and exercise. I did it through using government programs and not through capitalism. I am where I am today by not eating and through the glorious graces of our Dear Leader, Barrack Obama!”

This was met by great cheers from the youth, as directed by our brave police forces.

The event climaxed in a spirited chant of “No Food! Let’s Move!” and then ended with another basking of and saluting the glorious countenance of our Glorious Dear Leader atop a white stallion holding the world within his fist.

After the event, one of the teachers who had helped bring these young revolutionaries to the event was heard saying “Yeah let’s move…because there’s no food!” The unidentified teacher was last seen chatting with our brave police forces.

[Cross posted at Nukingpolitics]

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Killer Hippies

Monday, December 31, 2012 2:30 pm

There’s a story out today about a hippie couple (I assume they are hippies as they are Occupiers) who, it was found when police raided their apartment for suspected fraud, had been making bombs and collecting weapons. Now, most hippies, hipsters, occupiers, whatever, espouse ideals of peace and love and marijuana smoking and not being a responsible adult. Generally, they don’t plan terrorist attacks or the like, which is why the best way to deal with them is by punching them. You know, because it’s an honest attempt to knock some sense into them and also it’s fun to do for the whole family.

But what happens when hippies get violent and arm themselves? How do you deal with them then? And I’m not talking about an obviously armed hippie that you would simply shoot like any threatening criminal, but when hippies are becoming more armed and dangerous how do you approach the hippie you see on the street? Punch them anyway and take your chances? Leave them alone?

I mean, other than some outliers like the Manson Family and such, hippies have been awfully annoying but mostly harmless. When they are crazed enough about their “cause”, whatever that is, they might just set aside their “morals”, whatever those are, and go on crazy rampages and start bombing Wall Street instead of merely stinking it up.

Like terrorist hippies or something. That’s a pretty scary thought right there. I wonder what a terrorist hippie yells when they pull a trigger instead of “Allah Ackbar!”. Maybe something like “Berkenstocks!”, or maybe “Occupy!” or whatever.

Anyway, I think this is a serious threat to our safety and there should probably be a debate about “hippie control”. Like hippies should all be rounded up into communes or something, for their safety and ours. I mean, they like communes right? We can give them lots of trees to hug. And bears. They love bears and natury stuff they’ve never actually seen. We can give them all kinds of bears to roam around in their peaceful, tree-filled, weapon-free communes. Then they can be happy with each other and do what they want and nobody will complain about the smell.

Except maybe the bears.

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Senate to Ban All Projectile Firing Devices

Thursday, December 27, 2012 1:41 pm

WASHINGTON (NPN) – On the heels of the national gun control debate that has been raging over the past few weeks, Senator Feinstein, D-Ca, is attempting to push through a bill to ban all projectile firing devices, especially those that can be loaded with more than one projectile.

“This is not a ban against weapons, as that would be unconstitutional,” said the senator, “it is simply a ban on devices that fire projectiles. As we all know, projectiles are dangerous and can hurt and kill people, so we need to get them off of the streets.”

When asked if this included all handguns, hunting rifles, and even BB guns, the senator confirmed this was the case. “Oh yes, those BB guns seem so innocent, but you could shoot your eye out with one of those things.”

A spokesperson for senator Feinstein’s office which is responsible for drafting the new legislation explained that this is not an infringement of people’s rights to bear arms.

“Let them have swords” said the spokesperson. “Or even spears. You can hunt with a spear. And sword fights are fun.”

Gun rights activists like the NRA are up in arms about this new push to ban all guns, setting a date for a rally at the capital and multiple television ads.

“We are not going to sit by while this government tramples our rights to keep and bear arms.” said Tom Green, a gun rights activist. “And not only that, but I spent hundreds on my Nerf gun collection and they want to take it away. I’ll have nothing to do at work!”

White House press secretary Jay Carney held court as reporters bombarded him with questions about the legislation.

“Look, first what I want to say is, the President did not push for any such legislation and so we don’t know all of the details.” said Carney. “But from what I, uh, I understand of senator Feinstein’s bill is that this will only effect a small number of projectile firing devices, not necessarily guns exactly, per se, etc.”

Upon being asked what exactly he defines as being a gun other than a projectile firing device, Carney ripped his shirt off, flexed his biceps and said “now these are guns baby!”. He then held his pose frozen until the reporters finally left.

There are also unconfirmed reports surfacing that several other Democrat members of the Senate are drafting their own bills in an effort to keep the public safe, such as a ban on all types of eapons that start with a “w”, a ban on sharp material separation devices, a ban on devices that have triggers, and a ban on pointy sticks.

There is a rumor that there is also a proposal to ban laws against pederasty, but NPN was unable to confirm which creepy old Democrat Senator from Nevada was looking into such legislation.

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A White House Thanksgiving

Thursday, November 22, 2012 4:00 pm

So, I held a little contest this week for the writers at Nuking Politics to come up with an article I will post here at IMAO. A chance at glory and copious amounts of bacon. All of the submission were, in my opinion, excellent. But one stood out among the rest: Thanksgiving at the White House, by fellow nuker Lactose the Intolerant [High Praise!].

Enjoy…
_______________

It’s Thanksgiving at the White House. Obama had invited Elizabeth Warren, the first female Native American Senator, Ingrid Newkirk, the first President of PETA, and Joe Biden, the first mentally challenged Vice President of the United States, over for the holiday feast.

Biden (Opens door to see Ingrid Newkirk holding two buckets of red paint. She is nude except for feathers taped to her helter skelter, and her body has been diagrammed labeling parts as drumstick, thigh, gizzard, etc.): (giggles)
Newkirk: Hello, Joe.
Biden: (giggles)
Obama: Welcome, Ingrid. Well, that is an interesting outfit. That will certainly help us avoid overeating today. (shudder) Please make yourself comfortable. Have a seat over there. Yes, right over there where the shadows are darkest. Let me draw these curtains tight. Joe! Joe! Get off her leg!

(Doorbell rings)
Biden (runs to door and opens it): Hi. I am Joe.
Warren: How, Joe.
Biden: How what?
Warren: ‘How’ is Native American for ‘hello.’ Can you say how?
Biden: What? Why? Hello.
Warren: Not hello. How.
Biden: I am Joe.
Obama: Joe, see the ball? See the ball, Joe? Go get the ball, Joe! Go get it! Sorry, Liz. That should keep Joe busy for a little while. We’re having a hard time training him to keep off of visitors.
Warren: At least I hear you’ve gotten him to stop marking his territory.
Obama: That is true. And we are thankful. We never should have let him play with Bo. Monkey see, monkey do. Welcome to my humble home.
Warren: Here’s the dish I promised you. I hope you all enjoy it. This recipe goes back in my family since way before the Mayflower raped this land. This Native American specialty was probably served at the first Thanksgiving. It’s called Turkey Tikka Masala.
Newkirk (brandishing a bucket of red paint): I thought we had agreed to a vegan holiday.
Warren: No worries. I made this with Tofurkey. Tofurkey has a storied tradition among my tribe. I still remember my grandmother telling me tales of when her father used to go out and hunt the wild tofurkey. There used to be flocks of them, but that was before the paleface came. They didn’t even like to eat the tofurkey. They just wanted the lovely plumage. The plucked carcasses littered the land like litter. (A lone tear crawls down her pale cheek).

Mrs. Obama (entering from the kitchen carrying a large platter containing a roast animal that is clearly not a turkey. Think smaller, with more legs and fur): And here is the piece de resistance.
Newkirk (brandishing bucket): I thought we had agreed to a vegan holiday.
Mrs. Obama: No, no no. Please don’t get up. This is the traditional Kenyan meal of gratitude. Don’t you recall the pecking order? African culture trumps animal rights wackos. It’s like Lincoln used to say. All cultures are equal, except some cultures are more equal than others. Besides, this is the one you euthanized for me special.
Newkirk: Little Fluffernutter? The Bichon Frise?
Mrs. Obama: Bichon Fricassee.
Obama: Yep. And I made this powdered wig from the pelt. Don’t I look aristocratic?
Mrs. Obama: And that wig is totally gay, which trumps even African culture. You lose on both counts. Oh Barack, you would make such a cute gay black man.
Newkirk: You’re a monster!
Obama: Hey, you don’t talk to her like that. If you have a problem, you deal with me. Do you understand me? You deal with me.
Newkirk: Then you’re a monster too!
Obama (from behind Michelle): Racist!
Newkirk: I won’t be a part of this. Good day, sir. And I’m taking my seaweed ripple ice cream with me.
Obama: Come on. Don’t be like that. Come here. Stroke my wig and kiss my ring. It will make you feel better.
Newkirk: Goodbye.

Biden: Can I sit at that big boy table?
Mrs. Obama: It is ‘may’ I sit at the big boy table, and no you may not. Big boys use proper grammar.
Biden: Aw nuts!
Mrs. Obama: And keep the cork on your fork. But I’ll let you have the front drumstick. The paw is the best part.
Biden: Yippee!

Obama: But before we partake, I think you should all take a moment and say grace to me and reflect upon why you are thankful for me and all that I have done for you. I have prepared some remarks for the occasion. Just give the teleprompter a moment to heat up.
Biden: I want to speech too! Please. I wrote it all by myself.
Obama: OK, but then it is back to the kids’ table.
Biden: Yippee! Ready. OK. Four score and seven years ago (recites Gettysburg Address).
Obama: Joe, are you sure you wrote that yourself? That sounded like one of my speeches.
Biden: OK. I stole it from the iPod you gave the queen.
Obama: You know what the rule is about plagiarism.
Biden: Yes. Don’t ever get caught.
Obama: And?
Biden: And if you do get caught, cry racist.
Obama: That’s right. Let’s try this again. Joe, are you sure you wrote that yourself? That sounded like one of my speeches.
Biden: You’re a racist!
Obama: I’m speechless. Good boy, Joe. And now that my teleprompter is up and running, we are almost ready to eat. Just after my speech. It will be a dramatic interpretation of The Audacity of Hope. Chapter One…….

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Head Bucket Versus Iron Dome

Wednesday, November 21, 2012 11:30 am

So Israel’s new missile defense system, the Iron Dome, has been doing a pretty good job of deflecting the rockets that Hamas has been firing at them. This is even accounting for the fact that many such rockets are poorly aimed as Islamic militants have that nasty habit of yelling “Allah Akbar!” every time they pull a trigger…which totally throws off your aim.

What I want to know is, which is stronger: the Iron Dome, or the President’s head bucket? Because nothing seems to be getting through his head bucket. As in, stuff is getting real in the Middle East while he’s been roaming around Asia looking for more world leaders to insult or bow to.

For instance, remember when Bibi told the United Nations that Iran could “pass the red line”, or have enough weapons grade uranium to make a bomb by sometime around the middle of 2013? Well, the IAEA sort of confirmed it last week. This did not penetrate the head bucket.

What about the fact that Hezbollah, who is as much of an Iranian puppet as Hamas is, isn’t getting involved in this latest skirmish with Israel? Could that mean Iran is holding Hezbollah in reserve in case Israel decides to attack? That’s not getting through the head bucket either.

So, as great as the Iron Dome appears to be, it seems that our President’s head bucket is far more effective at keeping danger at bay. Or at least the knowledge of danger, and since knowing is half the battle, or something, that keeps him at least 50% safe. Right?

Until he takes the bucket off that is…if he ever does.

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Paris Hilton Handbag Store an ‘Affront’ to Islam

Tuesday, November 20, 2012 11:00 am

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (NPN) – Muslims around the world are crying foul following the opening of a new Paris Hilton Handbags & Accesories store in Mecca, the capital of the Muslim world. Twitter was afire with angry comments towards the hotel heiress and her line of womens accesories that nobody had really heard of until now. Citizens living in and around Mecca especially are upset that such a store could be opened in the holiest of cities and the site of Islam’s annual pilgrimmage.

“This is an affront to Islam itself!” said Said al-Mularki. “Not only does this Satan woman who makes the sexy tapes soil our most holy of cities with her name, but also does so with a line of merchandise that isn’t worth camel dung. Who would buy this crap?”

Paris Hilton being taken into custody for questioning while wearing this lovely ensemble available from the Paris Hilton clothing line.

In response to the store’s opening, a flash mob ensued outside of the busy Mecca mall where protesters shouted in anger, demanding that the “Satan woman’s store be destroyed”. The flash mob also performed a series of dance numbers from the musical CATS, and then broke up.

At the daily White House briefing, reporters questioned White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about the uproar over Paris Hilton’s store in Mecca and what, if anything, the President might do about it.

“The President is deeply concerned about this” said Carney. “He wanted me to make it clear that the administration will do everything in its power to resolve this situation, including, but not limited to bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia…again, and also having Paris Hilton arrested for something that has nothing to do with this. Or something.”

And with that, Carney shouted “BOOM! Explosion!”, crouched behind the podium, and pretended not to be there anymore while singing Memory softly to himself.

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed that Hilton was taken into custody early this morning by the Beverly Hills Police Department. A spokesperson for the department said that the heiress has been taken simply for questioning about something that has nothing to do with handbags or Muslims. No further explanation was offered.

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How to Deal with Hamas

Monday, November 19, 2012 11:00 am

So Israel and Hamas are trading blows again, if you haven’t heard. I know…big deal, right? This always plays out the same way. Hamas starts firing rockets and missiles made in Iran into Israel. Most of them don’t actually hit anything, but some do and Israel gets a little grumpy about it and starts blowing up Hamas terrorist leaders and their rocket/missile sites. Which are all conveniently parked next to schools and mosques and old people homes and the like. So there are some “civilian” casualties.

At this point, the international community starts whining about Israel picking on Palestine, and how evil those war mongering Israelis are, and for there to be peace Israel must stop attacking Palestine and “come to the table” and, I don’t know, agree to stop existing or something. And eventually Israel will meet their Hamas targets killed quota and will back off, allowing Hamas to lick their wounds and re-arm, only to do it all again a few years later.

You would think this cycle might eventually break, and by any of the parties involved. First you have the Palestinians themselves. You know…average Joe Palestine. He’s not part of Hamas, he works to feed his family, and is only moderately annoyed with infidels and Jews. But those Hamas blokes keep starting a shooting match with the Jews, and unfortunately the Jews are kind of better at it. But for some reason, Joe and guys like him just go along with Hamas’ antics, like putting rocket launchers next to his kids’ school.

Then there is the international community of leftist windbags who think it’s their job to cry foul every time Israel attempts to defend itself. Because Palestine are the “little guys” in this thing. Regardless of the fact that the “little guys” are the ones who keep starting it. You would think the rest of the world would eventually be like…”fine Israel, just blow them up and put an end to this”.

And then there is Israel. Some say they have incredible patience and restraint. I’m not one of them. The average Johnny Jew knows by now that the only way there will be peace is when Hamas and their ilk lie in pieces. And everyone knows that weapons are being funneled to Hamas by Iran and Syria, and now possibly Egypt. So you would think Israel would finally just start nuking things.

Well, maybe not nuking Palestine, because it’s a little too close to home, and Israel might want that land back eventually without it being irradiated. But Syria and Iran are decent targets. Israel doesn’t even need to nuke major cities. Just go after viable targets and send the message that they will start nuking things from now on every time Hamas fires a rocket. I’d go as far as to say, any time they hear someone in Palestine say the word “rocket” (unless they are singing the American National Anthem), that they will nuke something in Iran or Syria. Maybe even a camel…they like their camels in those parts of the world.

So the shipments of rockets and missiles to Hamas would probably dry up at that point. And Iran and Syria will be too busy worrying about what Israel might nuke next to really be of any concern, so the IDF can go in and just finish off Hamas. I know what you’re thinking…you still have all of the international whiners to deal with. Well, everytime some whiny leftist country complains about Israel nuking a tent in Iran, they should just nuke another one.

I’d even go as far as bringing the war to Twitter. Like, whenever some hippie on twitter is like “Israel iz evl! They shld be wipd out for reelz!”, then Israel should just tweet back something like: “Thanks for your opinion. Because of it, we just nuked a place in Iran that was not nuked yet. Any more opinions?”

I mean, I’m not an expert on this stuff, but that does seem like a working plan.

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Hippie Punching Day

Friday, November 9, 2012 10:30 am

It’s been brought to my attention [High Praise! to Basil] that there needs to be a Hippie Punching Day song parody of Weird Al’s Weasel Stomping Day.

Well ok. I think I can whip one up…
_______________

Hippie Punching Day

Hippie faces here and there
What a wonderful time of year
Here we go! It’s Hippie Punching Day.

Crack your knuckles, now it’s on
Punch those hippies right off your lawn
‘Cause you know, it’s Hippie Punching Day.

Grab their bongo just in case
They try and use it to save their face
You’ll know that you’re doing it right
When your fist turns out their light.

So, come along and have a ball
Just make sure you punch them all
Make a fist and punch your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it’s Hippie Punching Day.

Hippies up and down the street
Faces waiting your fist to meet
Why we do it? ‘Cause we should
It’s really just for their own good.

So let the punching fun begin
Knock some common sense right in
Science! says that it’s the bestest way

Hey everyone it’s Hippie Punching…
We’ll do it right on Hippie Punching…
Knock out their lights on Hippie Punching Day

Here we go, it’s Hippie Punching Day!

_______________

UPDATE: Well, it appears that Harvey did his own version of this back in June. Guess he beat Basil and I to it, but hey…more lyrics means more hippie punching time whilst singing this classic holiday tune.

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Nobel Participant Prize

Monday, October 15, 2012 11:30 am

Oslo, Norway (NPN) – The esteemed Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded for the year of 2012 to none other than the greatest proponent of peace on Earth, the entire European Union. Members of the EU assembly, a collective of self-serving and officious bureaucrats, rejoiced and celebrated with lots of self-aggrandizement and partying, which they generally only reserve for days that end with “day”.

Rumor is, the medal will be replaced with a doughnut.

According to EU assembly member Hans von Hans, this award has been a long time coming.

“Really, what better way to acknowledge the hard work and struggles of the bureaucratic class in their effort to tell people how to live their lives?” said the humble Hans. “There is no better way to promote peace than taking rich people’s money and spreading it around to everyone else so they can go on holiday most of the year.”

The Nobel committee revealed that it would be reevaluating its standards on other Nobel prizes, including those for physics, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine. They also announced a new prize: the Nobel for Participation. This prize is to be awarded to all humans on Earth who participate in being a human on Earth.

“This is long overdue, really.” said Pierre Manuel von van de la Klementine of the Nobel committee. “So many humans struggle to do great things and fail. This prize is really to acknowledge their accomplishments and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings that they didn’t get a Nobel Prize. Now everyone will get one!”

In an effort to make the Prize more fair, the Nobel committee has decided to award anyone who practices medicine, be it as a doctor or a person who put a Band-Aid on a cut, a Nobel Prize in medicine. And anyone who has demonstrated the principles of physics in a meaningful way will be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics, whether they have split an atom or cut some cheese. Chemistry will still be a difficult award to get.

“We had to draw the line somewhere.” said Klemintine. “Unless you have, at a minimum, mixed two liquids together, or at least put an ice cube into a liquid, you cannot be awarded the Nobel for Chemistry.”

The metric for earning a Nobel Prize in mathematics is still undecided.

“Most people don’t know how to do any kind of math, so we are still trying to find a way to make this award accessible to people.” said Klementine. “So far, the greatest consensus is to award it to anyone who can pick up two objects at one time.”

Other award categories seem to be in the works, such as the Nobel Prize for Television Watching, the Nobel Prize for Putting Your Pants On, and the Nobel Prize for Breathing.

It is rumored that the Nobel Prize for literature may be phased out, with the Nobel committee stating that writing is just too hard for some people, and making this a part of the Prize is just unfair to so many.

NPN ace reporter mikel (High Praise!) contributed to this story.

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Did Obama Really Win the Debate?

Thursday, October 11, 2012 11:00 am

You know, after all of the hoopla lately about the debate last week and how Romney sucker-punched Obama, and won by like 7 touchdowns or something, there has been one point that has been overlooked, one question unasked: Does Obama actually believe he lost?

By the weeping and gnashing of teeth from the leftward media, and the look on Michelle’s face post-debate, as well as the excuse factory that has been churning out stinkers for a week, it is clear that everyone, even Joe Biden, believes Obama lost badly. But does Barry-O think he did?

You have to consider who we’re talking about here. He isn’t just a narcissist, but also a clueless idiot. I mean, he doesn’t even know how simple economics works. You know, lemonade stand economics that even kids can comprehend. It does not compute with him that, if the price of lemonade ingredients, whatever they are, goes up, that Jimmy will fire his little sister from the lemonade stand. Otherwise he can’t make a profit, and profit means some money for the ice cream truck later.

In his mind, he actually is “The One”; some kind of mythological savior of the world. I bet he even puts on his pants two legs at a time just so he can say he doesn’t put his pants on the same way as other people. You know, because he is “The One”, and is like a Greek god or something.

Sure, he’s playing along of course. If all of these people want to believe the lie that he lost, he’ll just go along with it and tell little jokes and stuff. But he is taking notes…he knows who is propagating the lies…and he will make them pay during his next term. Because of course, he is going to be reelected. The idea that he might not win this election hasn’t even occurred to him. And the fact that he may get to pick one or two more Supreme Court justices during his next term isn’t lost on him either. He may be able to find a way to get more terms as president.

Captain Clueless surely believes he actually won that debate, and has already won the election. This is all just a bunch of formality to him…a silly song and dance number he has to suffer through every four years. Surely there is no way the people, who clearly love him like a god, wouldn’t vote for him indefinitely.

I mean…he’s Barack Hussein Obama! Who is this Mitt character? Mitt…what kind of dumb name is that? Barack means blessed warhorse of the Prophet PBUH, or something. Mitt is like a piece of sports equipment. And he’s a rich white guy. That’s so last century! There’s no way that people would vote for a rich white guy now. They’re like the Nazis of the 21st century.

You know what happened in the debate? Obama spoke and people listened. That’s what. Mitt just blabbered. How could that be a win for him? It isn’t. People just want it to be a win for Mitt. It wasn’t even close really. Obama won just by showing up.

Stupid pundits. Obama has more important things to do than listen to your “who won what” mambo-jumbo. Like eighteen holes worth of important things to do.

Fore!

____________

(High Praise! to Zaklog the Great for pointing out that this question remained unanswered.)

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Breaking News: Professor Claims Obama Campaign ‘Misrepresented’ His Work

Monday, October 8, 2012 3:01 pm

Harvard University (NPN) – Professor Martin Feldstein, an economist at Harvard, claims that President Obama and his campaign have misrepresented his study of Mitt Romney’s tax plan. The president has claimed that the tax plan does not work and is purposely designed to raise taxes on middle and low income earners, citing Professor Feldstein’s study.

The Obama Campaign’s corrected version of Professor Feldstein’s study on the Romney Tax Plan.

“This is completely reprehensible, what they have done.” said the wild-eyed Feldstein in a horrible German accent. “My study clearly showed that the Romney tax plan can in fact achieve debt neutrality while avoiding raising tax rates on the middle class, low class, and those with no class.”

With that, the professor then filled three giant chalk boards proving why, threw his chalk at this reporter and stalked out of the class room.

An Obama campaign spokesperson quickly responded to our inquest regarding Professor Feldstein’s claims.

“He’s clearly wrong about our mischaracterization of his study.” said Margaret Stump, a chief financial adviser of the campaign. “We read his report, which made little sense to begin with, and simply corrected his math, which didn’t work originally. I mean, who uses a bunch of symbols and letters instead of numbers when doing math? It was garbage.”

The professor also apparently did not account for the costs and penalties associated with Obamacare.

“I don’t know what Dr. Feldstein was thinking, removing Obamacare expenses like that.” said Stump. “The costs of that are going to be huge, and you can’t make conclusions about a tax policy without recognizing how much Obamacare will add to the tax burden and completely crush the middle class, while putting small companies out of business and taking away from the economic growth that Romney’s tax cuts are supposed to make appear out of thin air.”

Vice presidential candidate Joe Biden apparently caught wind of this story as it was developing and made some comments in a speech to members of the Chupacabra Hunters Union in Wisconsin.

“This nutty professor is going around saying he knows better how to do math than the President of the United States!” said an apoplectic Biden. “Yeah! He is saying that. I mean, you can’t become president or vice president without knowing a lot about math. So I have three words for you Professor: Go Learn Math! Oh wait, that was four words. Four words for you professor.”

The Romney campaign was unable to respond to these developments being indisposed by fits of raucous laughter.

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The War On Energy

Saturday, September 22, 2012 6:30 pm

I was reading stuff on the interwebs today, and found an article on The Daily Caller that talked about the “war on coal” by the EPA.

But, it is really energy in general that progressive types, like the EPA (because lets face it, only tree-hugging communists join the EPA), are at war with. Or, better put, they are at war with solutions. Because the left isn’t interested in solutions, per se. Or, not per se. Pretty much all se, they are against actual solutions to the issue of energy production with limited environmental impact. Otherwise, they would love nuclear power. But they hate nuclear power.

How do I know? Because that is what I do for a living…nuclear power. Using atoms to turn on your light bulb, because I care…about my paycheck. But also, because I think nuclear energy is pretty awesome. I mean, we split atoms and make energy from it. How cool is that? And we give off no emissions. Sure, there is waste, but that is what caverns under a mountain in the middle of nowhere are for. Oh wait, Harry Reid blocked that idea. Why?

Because he is at war with actual energy solutions.

The left doesn’t want a solution. They don’t actually want electric cars that are economical and viable. They don’t want cheap solar or wind energy. They want it as expensive as possible. The Volt costs a lot of money to buy, and isn’t a very good car. That is what they want. We cannot manufacture cheap solar panels, because science hasn’t quite caught up with those ambitions…to a leftist, that’s a good thing.

Why? Well that’s easy. Because, if the private sector solves these problems, then they can’t use those problems to try and control the private sector. It’s really as simple as that. As popular as environmentalism has become amongst the common populace, if it were really feasible to create energy without waste and whatnot, then everyone would be doing it, and saying they did it better than their competitors. Because that is how the free market works.

But, nuclear energy doesn’t give off any CO2, or any other pollutants. The waste is solid and can be contained. Compared to coal or even natural gas, nuclear energy seems perfect. And it is nuclear energy that proves the left’s lie. Because it is a solution to their supposed problem. I say “supposed” because it is the problem that the left uses to further their aims, not actual solutions.

That is how the left works: pose an “unsolvable” problem, and challenge the right to fix it. If the right has any solutions, simply point out any flaw, no matter how minor. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. If the right does not have a solution, claim that they don’t care. The old catch-22.

Science! could come up with a way, today, to turn unicorn farts into a perfect energy source, and the left would find fault with it. Because they don’t want a solution, they want a problem. Their theme is that government solves all problems. It is this theme by which they operate. If you solve problems, they lose their talking point. Which is why they don’t ever solve problems themselves, but simply perpetuate them.

Poverty? Keep the poor, poor. As long as they keep voting for you.

Social issues? Trump the causes of this or that group, but never commit to anything.

Environment? Spread the message of doom and gloom and propose government regulation as the answer…without giving any actual solutions.

Economy? Create more public sector jobs, even if you cannot hope to pay for them.

Deficit? What deficit?

Foreign policy? What embassies? We have embassies?

Failure? It’s Bush’s fault.

Angry post? Yes, this is an angry post. Feel my wrath.

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Maybe This Will Brighten Up Your Day

Thursday, September 20, 2012 9:30 am

It seems that Obama is making plans to move already. From WND:

Very quietly, Obama’s chief financier, Penny Pritzker, has entered the Hawaii housing market to buy a retirement home for the president and his family that will be available not in 2016, but in January 2013, according to a confidential source within Pritzker’s Chicago organization…

…“The public polls are mostly political,” the source argued. “Obama radicals want Romney supporters to feel discouraged and give up. Truth is that Romney’s winning.”

So, a $35 Million estate in Hawaii, ready by January 2013. That sounds promising. The only thing a big estate like that needs is a good name…

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A Kind of Ironic Justice

Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:30 pm

So, a bunch of angry Pakistanis decided to have a protest against that “movie” some guy made that makes fun of Mohammed…because burning U.S. flags and effigies and beating things with sticks is how you make formal complaints to Youtube over there.

In a twist of fate, one of the protesters died from inhaling smoke from the burning of American flags:

One of the participants of the rally, Abdullah Ismail, passed away after he was taken to Mayo Hospital. Witnesses said he had complained of feeling unwell from the smoke from US flags burnt at the rally.

It’s probably wrong to find that funny, but I did anyway.

And it gave me an idea: purposely making flags for export use out of materials that are perfectly safe, unless you burn it, at which point it gives off a deadly toxic gas. We can put big warning labels on them, for safety: “Burning this flag may cause immediate death from inhalation of toxic vapors, or delayed death from American military.”

Not that we’d attack people for burning our flag, but people over there who like to do that and get all angry and violenty, tend to meet the business end of a drone or cruise missile sooner or later.

It’s just karma or somesuch.

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Radiation: The Cure

Friday, September 14, 2012 1:00 pm

[Originally posted at Nuking Politics]

You know, there is just something about people in the Arab world that just doesn’t square right. I mean, they keep on taunting, like, the most powerful nation in the world ever…it just doesn’t make sense. What could they be missing?

Oh, I know…a healthy respect for the consequences of an unhealthy dose of radiation.

Take two of these, and call us in the morning…

See, they kind of remind me of a rather psychotic people about 70 years ago or so…the Japanese Empire. Back then, the Japanese didn’t make video games, and cool robots, and stupid cartoons. They made ridiculously effective war machines, and they coupled that with fanaticism, much like the Islamic fanaticism we see today out of Arab nutjobs.

They were a tough enemy to beat; far more dangerous than your average Al Qaeda member. But they shared that whole fanaticism thing, if not the inability to actually produce stuff thing. As in, Islamists are about as useless at making anything of value as a sloth with a left-handed hammer. They just can’t do much besides hate people and suck oil out of the ground.

So the Japanese Imperialists were more dangerous, because they weren’t only as moonbat crazy as Islamists are, they were also crazy good engineers, and extremely dedicated workers.

So you might wonder how we conquered such a nation? Simple: we nuked the noodles out of ‘em. And in that process, we taught them about the consequential effects of radiation. Since then, they have turned their industrious nature towards more friendly (and profitable!) pursuits, such as making cool robots and video games and stuff. Lesson learned!

So, I think this lesson could possibly be applied to the Middle East. See, they have the whole fanaticism thing down pat, even if they can’t really be much of a threat above the annoyance level. I mean, in the geopolitical neighborhood, the Middle East and those terrorist fellows are like the stupid neighbor that won’t cut their grass.

So, it is time for the Homeowner’s Association to step in, headed of course by the United States. How do we get them to clean up their act? Simple…teach them about the dangers of radiation. By dropping several nuclear bombs on them. We don’t even need to drop them on cities or anything: we aren’t going for death tolls like they do. We just want to teach them to have a healthy respect for our power by giving them some examples of what these weapons, that they clearly don’t understand, can actually do. And more importantly, that, yes, America is willing to use them.

I mean, really…this is like the only thing we haven’t tried. At this point, there is really nothing left for us to do except start bombing the ever-living daylights out of them. They just won’t understand who they are messing with until we use the very weapons that made us the country you don’t mess with.

If it can work for an aggressive Japanese Empire, it can work for some bozos still living in the the 7th century.

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Cairo Embassy: We Can Read Arabic

Friday, September 14, 2012 11:30 am

So, the Muslim Brotherhood has a Twitter account. Who knew, right? And, to save face and all of that, they sent a ‘lil tweet at the Cairo Embassy (who also has a Twitter account, apparently) saying they were happy that nobody got hurt in Cairo. That was their English tweet anyway…

Muslim Brotherhood: @khairatAlshater: We r relieved none of @USEmbassyCairo staff were harmed & hope US-Eg relations will sustain turbulence of Tuesday’s events

U.S. Embassy Cairo: @Ikhwanweb Thanks. By the way, have you checked out your own Arabic feeds? I hope you know we read those too.

Apparently, the Arabic version of the Muslim Brotherhood Twitter account was praising the attacks.

Do these people actually think that nobody in the United States, much less diplomatic agents in Arabic-speaking countries, can read and understand Arabic?

Really?

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