Author Archive

A Kind of Ironic Justice

Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:30 pm

So, a bunch of angry Pakistanis decided to have a protest against that “movie” some guy made that makes fun of Mohammed…because burning U.S. flags and effigies and beating things with sticks is how you make formal complaints to Youtube over there.

In a twist of fate, one of the protesters died from inhaling smoke from the burning of American flags:

One of the participants of the rally, Abdullah Ismail, passed away after he was taken to Mayo Hospital. Witnesses said he had complained of feeling unwell from the smoke from US flags burnt at the rally.

It’s probably wrong to find that funny, but I did anyway.

And it gave me an idea: purposely making flags for export use out of materials that are perfectly safe, unless you burn it, at which point it gives off a deadly toxic gas. We can put big warning labels on them, for safety: “Burning this flag may cause immediate death from inhalation of toxic vapors, or delayed death from American military.”

Not that we’d attack people for burning our flag, but people over there who like to do that and get all angry and violenty, tend to meet the business end of a drone or cruise missile sooner or later.

It’s just karma or somesuch.

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Radiation: The Cure

Friday, September 14, 2012 1:00 pm

[Originally posted at Nuking Politics]

You know, there is just something about people in the Arab world that just doesn’t square right. I mean, they keep on taunting, like, the most powerful nation in the world ever…it just doesn’t make sense. What could they be missing?

Oh, I know…a healthy respect for the consequences of an unhealthy dose of radiation.

Take two of these, and call us in the morning…

See, they kind of remind me of a rather psychotic people about 70 years ago or so…the Japanese Empire. Back then, the Japanese didn’t make video games, and cool robots, and stupid cartoons. They made ridiculously effective war machines, and they coupled that with fanaticism, much like the Islamic fanaticism we see today out of Arab nutjobs.

They were a tough enemy to beat; far more dangerous than your average Al Qaeda member. But they shared that whole fanaticism thing, if not the inability to actually produce stuff thing. As in, Islamists are about as useless at making anything of value as a sloth with a left-handed hammer. They just can’t do much besides hate people and suck oil out of the ground.

So the Japanese Imperialists were more dangerous, because they weren’t only as moonbat crazy as Islamists are, they were also crazy good engineers, and extremely dedicated workers.

So you might wonder how we conquered such a nation? Simple: we nuked the noodles out of ’em. And in that process, we taught them about the consequential effects of radiation. Since then, they have turned their industrious nature towards more friendly (and profitable!) pursuits, such as making cool robots and video games and stuff. Lesson learned!

So, I think this lesson could possibly be applied to the Middle East. See, they have the whole fanaticism thing down pat, even if they can’t really be much of a threat above the annoyance level. I mean, in the geopolitical neighborhood, the Middle East and those terrorist fellows are like the stupid neighbor that won’t cut their grass.

So, it is time for the Homeowner’s Association to step in, headed of course by the United States. How do we get them to clean up their act? Simple…teach them about the dangers of radiation. By dropping several nuclear bombs on them. We don’t even need to drop them on cities or anything: we aren’t going for death tolls like they do. We just want to teach them to have a healthy respect for our power by giving them some examples of what these weapons, that they clearly don’t understand, can actually do. And more importantly, that, yes, America is willing to use them.

I mean, really…this is like the only thing we haven’t tried. At this point, there is really nothing left for us to do except start bombing the ever-living daylights out of them. They just won’t understand who they are messing with until we use the very weapons that made us the country you don’t mess with.

If it can work for an aggressive Japanese Empire, it can work for some bozos still living in the the 7th century.

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Cairo Embassy: We Can Read Arabic

Friday, September 14, 2012 11:30 am

So, the Muslim Brotherhood has a Twitter account. Who knew, right? And, to save face and all of that, they sent a ‘lil tweet at the Cairo Embassy (who also has a Twitter account, apparently) saying they were happy that nobody got hurt in Cairo. That was their English tweet anyway…

Muslim Brotherhood: @khairatAlshater: We r relieved none of @USEmbassyCairo staff were harmed & hope US-Eg relations will sustain turbulence of Tuesday’s events

U.S. Embassy Cairo: @Ikhwanweb Thanks. By the way, have you checked out your own Arabic feeds? I hope you know we read those too.

Apparently, the Arabic version of the Muslim Brotherhood Twitter account was praising the attacks.

Do these people actually think that nobody in the United States, much less diplomatic agents in Arabic-speaking countries, can read and understand Arabic?


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How to Schumer-proof Your House

Friday, September 14, 2012 10:00 am

[High Praise! to Stephen]

New York democratic senator Charles “Chucky will eat anything” Schumer was on the warpath recently, taking a page from the New York City mayor’s book on banning things, to push for a ban on laundry detergent “pods” that apparently look like candy to kids. Well, Schumer took it a bit further and claimed he thought they looked delicious, and saw one on a staffer’s desk and immediately wanted to eat it.


Aside from the fact that this might show some self-control issues on the part of Schumer (better hide your candy!), and the question of “what is a laundry detergent pod doing on a staffer’s desk?”, it does bring up a rather important topic: how to make your house safer for children, and especially for Chuck Schumer.

How to Schumer-proof Your House

* Hide wallets and purses, coins, checkbooks, and anything else related to money. You know democrats…they just can’t resist other people’s money.

* Make sure there are no cups or glasses that can hold greater than 16 ounces, just in case Chuck has a hankering for a soda, and accidentally pours more than the law allows.

* No big popcorn bowls either.

* Ensure there are no poisonous plants that look edible in your home. Chuck just loves his greens.

* Use electrical outlet plug safety covers. Politicians love power, and Schumer just can’t help but stick his finger into an outlet if it is uncovered.

* Make sure you separate out the head and tail of a batch of ‘shine to prevent methanol poisoning.

* Oh wait, that is a step in “100-proofing your house”.

* If you can still get a hold of them, try to use only incandescent bulbs. The CFL ones look kind of like a McDonald’s ice cream cone, and Schumer can’t help but take a nice crunchy, toxic bite.

* Actually, Schumer thinks incandescent bulbs look tasty too. Go without lighting. Use torches.

* Remove shaving cream from the bathroom. Chuck likes his coffee Irish, with whipped cream…and he sometimes gets Cool Whip and Barbasol confused.

* Remove any copies, likenesses, references to, or books about the U.S. Constitution. They cause Chucky to burst into flames.

Now, doesn’t your house feel safer already?

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You Just Have to Ask the Right Questions

Thursday, September 13, 2012 11:00 am

A Time Magazine article is claiming that Romney won’t do well in debates with President Carter Obama. While the author’s premise is stupid and dumb, and stupid, it very well could be the case that Romney will do poorly in the debates. That is, if they are hosted by the mainstream media’s more “esteemed” personnel…as they generally are.

Not that such honest and objective journalists would ever conspire to ask certain questions in order to trip up Romney or force a gaffe or two, but if they did so, it could be pretty rough for Mitt.

Consider the following questions:

* “Governor Romney, in your opinion would the economy do better if President Obama were to stay in office and continue his excellent policies, or would the economy do worse in a Romney administration?”

* “Would you consider your foreign policy experience less than the President’s, or is he simply more experienced than you are?”

* “Governor Romney, which do you like better: Nazis or the KKK?”

* “Could you explain, in detail, how exactly you became such a racist?”

* “Governor, in your opinion, what advantages can your powers to give people murder-cancer bring to the presidency?”

* “Which do you prefer: White people or White peoples?”

* “Governor, when exactly did you begin your war on women, and as a follow up question, how does your wife feel about your hating women?”

* “What is your preferred method for beating orphans?”

* “Governor Romney, do you hate the President because he is black, or because he is only half-white?”

* “Governor, when you laugh at poor people, is it more of a cackle, or a loud guffaw?”

Whew! Those would really be some tough questions for Mitt. It’s a good thing the media would never try to set him up like that.

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Biggest Threat to National Security: Fat People

Thursday, September 13, 2012 10:00 am

It seems that a clear and present danger to our national security has gone almost unnoticed, until now. The FLOTUS (which I assume stands for Fat Lady of the United States) has identified this horrible threat, obesity, calling it “absolutely the greatest threat to our national security”.

That’s right, fat people are the greatest threat facing this nation. Not terrorists. Not our enemies. Not explosive events in the Middle East or crazy governments trying to make nuclear weapons. Not cyber-espionage from Russia or China. Not crazypants North Korea.

Fat people.

Well, as FLOTUS, she ought to know.

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Our President Needs Help Communicating

Wednesday, September 12, 2012 9:30 am

We are facing a very difficult crisis in this country, which culminates in the ultimate outcome of the election in November. It is the possibility that our beloved president might be cast out of office prematurely by the forces of evil, greed, more evil, and woman-hating racist bigotry. And evil. And rich white people, who are evil. You might ask how this could be? The answer is that most Americans, something like 99%, all of whom love our dear leader, plan to stay home during the election.

I need some help. Please, it’s for the children…and my next memoir or two.

But how can this be?

It is simple…our dear leader did not communicate to us well enough. It’s our fault really, as The One cannot be expected to always speak in terms that us common people can really understand. When he starts saying things like numbers, and math, and words that end in -ly or aren’t contractions, we are easily confused, and we don’t know what to think. You see, as long as the welfare checks keep on coming, we think everything is OK. But it is not OK…our dear president can’t undo all of the evil greedy woman-hating racist bigotry that ensued during eight years of the Bush in a mere four years.

I mean, he still has to create a lot of jobs, because Bush sent most of them to China, since that is what evil greedy woman-hating racist bigots do: send jobs to China. Now, I don’t personally know anyone that actually likes jobs, but they are something that is needed here in America, because something..something.

Anyway, it is up to us to get the word out and to spread the president’s message, in simple speech that us regular folks can actually understand. To do this, we need to translate it. One thing that has to be done is to remove numbers and anything that sounds like math, because normal people don’t understand or even care about math…since it is some useless thing that annoying nerds came up with anyway. For instance, instead of telling people that the unemployment rate is “8.2%”, we should say “the unemployment rate is really little”.

Or, instead of admitting that the national deficit is “over sixteen-trillion dollars”, we should simply tell people that the national deficit is a made up thing with fake numbers, since nobody ever heard of “trillion”, because Republicans made it up.

Another thing we need to do is to parse down the explanations of why things aren’t all that great. Instead of explanations about deficits, and budgets, and spending, and economic climate or any of that nonsense, we should just be saying that it is basically Bush’s fault. Because that is what all of that fancy stuff actually means. I wish the president would just say that more, but he is a noble person and doesn’t like to blame others, even when it is warranted.

Finally, the message that Obama might be kicked out of office like this, pretty much in a coup since we did vote for him last time basically so he could be president for at least eight years, needs to be told to everyone. I think a lot of people just don’t know that Obama might not be their president anymore after next January. If they did, they would probably turn out to the polls in droves.

And more importantly, they need to know who he might be replaced with…a Republican. That’s bad enough, but this particular Republican is part of the 1%, and is greedy, rich, evil, a woman-hater, a racist, and a bigot. Like more than regular Republicans I mean. And I also heard somewhere that he is a nazi. And possibly a devil-worshiper, and a sorcerer that can give people cancer on a whim. Worst of all, there is even a possibility that he doesn’t pay his taxes. That is a pretty big claim, and it might not be true, but we should still warn people about it, just in case.

I think we’ve kind of let Obama down for not doing all of this earlier. We kind of voted him in, and then just went back to eating Cheetos, smoking pot, and playing video games like normal Americans like to do. Instead, we should have been there for him, helping him spread his message. Now it’s time we get out there, spread the word, maybe burn down a few Romney signs, fill a few vans with homeless and/or illegal immigrants and/or dead people to go rock the vote this election, like we did last time.

It’s for the children…

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Biden’s Challenge

Monday, September 10, 2012 12:30 pm

During Biden’s trip through Ohio this weekend, Captain Happypants got a little defensive about some people not buying everything he’s telling them and issued a challenge to the media to fact check him.

Is that really necessary? I mean, nobody “fact checks” their crazy uncle, because nobody takes him seriously in the first place. But if Biden really wants to be fact cheked, we could probably get some school children to do it. They could easily point out how many letters are in words like “jobs” or what state Biden happens to be in.

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Obama Math

Monday, September 10, 2012 11:30 am

Obama was channeling Biden this morning when he told a crowd in Florida that American manufacturers were making products “marked with three proud words: Made in the U.S.A.”

I’m really starting to see a trend here. I think both the presidential and vice-presidential debates should start out with a few simple math problems, like 2+2, or “how many fingers am I holding up”?

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Obama vs Technology

Monday, September 10, 2012 10:36 am

At a campaign stop in Florida, Obama decided it would be be a great bit of publicity to personally phone two of the local campaign’s volunteers and thank them for whatever it is campaign volunteers do…licking stamps or burning people’s Romney signs or something.

So someone handed him an iPhone to make the call. And the President couldn’t figure the blasted thing out.

But when White House trip director Marvin Nicholson handed the president his personal iPhone, Mr. Obama couldn’t get it to work. A reporter who witnessed the scene said the president looked “befuddled.”

“It’s not clear he knows how to dial on an iPhone,” the reporter wrote in a pool report.

It kind of reminds me of his troubles with regular phones too.

I’m guessing calculators are also a toughy. And pretty much anything else that deals with numbers.

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Can Monkeys With Typewriters Write the U.S. Tax Code?

Saturday, September 8, 2012 5:00 pm

It has recently been estimated that the current U.S. tax code is about four times longer than the roughly one million word complete works of William Shakespeare.

I suppose the real question is, if monkeys with typewriters given enough time can compose all of Shakespeare’s works, can they also come up with the tax code…or is that actually how it was written in the first place?

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The Democrats Have an Interesting Way of Counting Votes

Wednesday, September 5, 2012 7:30 pm

Not that their inability to count or do simple math is really questionable at this point. Watch as the Democrats disregard a rather vocal number of delegates to amend their party platform…

Haha…silly Democrats.

Hey, and by the way, I just had a birthday. And you know what my parents got me for my birthday? That’s right! credit. What should I do with that?

I was thinking, maybe buy a book or something. I like books. But I am not sure what book to buy. I think I want a funny book. Maybe something with a lot of political satire in it. Does anyone know any like that out right now?

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What Would It Be Like to Attend the DNC?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012 3:00 pm

There have been plenty of anecdotal stories on attending this year’s Republican National Convention, and from most accounts it sounds like it was relatively fun…for a political convention. I still don’t think I’d want to go, but then if I had a reason to go I would probably enjoy it more. You know, like if I was a senator, I could walk around making people bow and kiss my ring. At least, I think that is what senators do.

Well, I was thinking: what would a day at the Democratic National Convention be like? Probably boring, but then hanging around some railroad tracks in the middle of nowhere is boring too…until there is a train wreck. And with that many Democrats and their nutty supporters in one place, there’s bound to be a few wrecks. So it could be interesting after all…

Day 1 at the DNC

* You’re assaulted by the garbage police for throwing your plastic cup into a “recycle” bin instead of the “composte” bin. It’s clearly marked biodegradeable!

* You try to eat some of that great BBQ, but then are publically shamed and ridiculed by mobs of animal rights activists and militant vegans.

* You give up on the BBQ and go try to get a waffle cone…until Michelle Obama’s personal food police stop you.

* You notice Harry Reid keeps following people into the restroom.

* You keep tripping over hippies laying all over the place. You then notice those are actually the delegates.

* You keep getting the wrong change when you buy things because none of these people can do basic math.

* After listening to a dozen boring speeches, you are then forced to watch a video about how great of a president Jimmy Carter was.

* When the video is over, you suddenly feel sick and head to the restroom. You notice Harry Reid following you.

* You decide to head back to your hotel room to lay down for a bit, but then are attacked by swarms of angry bed bugs.

* Tired, hungry, and feeling a bit sick, you arrive back just in time to hear Michelle Obama speak…and then realize you forgot to bring your Klingon to English translator.

Yep. Sounds like a great time to me.

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President Obama Marks Labor Day

Monday, September 3, 2012 1:00 pm

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – As the nation turned to various festivities and traditions on this Labor Day, from grilling food in the backyard and spending time with family, to remembering the hard work, ingenuity, and enterprise that it took to make this a great country, the President took part in a ceremony of his own, followed by a speech to commemorate the occasion.

President Obama prepares to lay a union-made wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job in honor of the many jobs lost.

The ceremony began with the President laying a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job, and after a moment of silence for the many jobs lost, President Obama gave a short speech to mark the holiday.

“This day, Labor Day, is a day of remembrance of the many jobs that once made this country so great.” said the President. “For without them, we would not have had the peace and prosperity that we so enjoyed before. It is important on a day like this, a national holiday, to remember those many jobs that were saved or created, shovel ready or not so ready, public union or private union, green or kind of green, and all the rest that keep at least some of America working and paying taxes to me.”

“And it is especially important to honor the unbroken unemployment lines, and also the unbroken line of fallen jobs.” the President said. “I see many of them out here today. It is with their continued sacrifice that my dreams of a different kind of America will be made possible. We may mourn their loss, but keep looking forward to the future I am bringing you to.”

After the speech, the White House hosted a special lunch with national union leaders. During this, one of the union leaders, Larry Greer, gave a short speech of his own.

“On behalf of the many labor unions in the nation,” said Greer, “I would like to thank President Obama for his continued efforts in helping organized labor regain its grip on power over evil businesses and the people in general. If it were not for his tireless work to destroy as many non-union jobs as possible, we would simply have faded away with time.”

The speech was met with cheers and toasts in the President’s honor.

In other news, a job from California that was reported missing last month has turned up in the port city of Pinghu, China. Chinese officials have granted the job full asylum, as has been their policy for the last several years while more and more jobs continue to self-exile themselves from the United States.

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Romney Makes Obama Dance

Friday, August 31, 2012 2:52 pm

It looks like Mitt Romney pulled a fast one on the Obama campaign. He has decided to go straight on to Louisiana to meet Governor Bobby Jindal and check on the storm-damaged areas on the coast. When the Obama team heard this, they scrambled to change their plans and get Obama to Louisiana by Monday.

From the Daily Mail:

‘In light of the President’s travel to Louisiana to meet with local officials and view ongoing response and recovery efforts to Hurricane Isaac, President Obama will no longer travel to Cleveland, Ohio on Monday, September 3,’ the campaign said in a terse statement.

That’s right Mr. President. Your leisurley golf-course pace is over. You’re on Romney time now.

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Even This Title is Racist!

Friday, August 31, 2012 12:27 pm

The “Chief Diversity Officer” of the U.S. State Department was so concerned about people saying racist things, that he felt it was his duty to find a way to connect just about every phrase in the American vernacular to how it might in fact be racist.

For example, “hold down the fort” is apparently racist towards Native Americans, because it has something to do with forts protecting people from them in the old days. And as we all know, there was no such thing as a fort prior to white Europeans building them in America to steal Indian lands.

So, what other words or phrases might we be using that could be racist?

Fellow nuker FormerHostage (High Praise!) got a head start on this in his comments today:

Skillet -> cast iron -> black -> RACIST!
Dinosaurs -> giant lizards -> rhymes with wizard -> Grand Wizard -> RACISTS!

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Romney Frightens Michael Moore

Friday, August 31, 2012 9:37 am

Recently in an interview, controversial film maker and big fat dummy Michael Moore predicted that Mitt Romney will win the election. He lamented the fact that young people aren’t excited about Obama any more like they were in 2008 and probably won’t get out of bed to vote. He also said something about Republicans riding dinosaurs, which gives them a clear advantage.

In other news, seismologists are using Science! to try and locate where on the planet Michael Moore is at any given moment, as this may be the key to predicting earthquakes.

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Obama Didn’t Sign That

Thursday, August 30, 2012 11:49 am

Remember that Chinook helicopter that went down in Afghanistan last year and killed 30 Americans?

Well apparently Obama decided to follow tradition as president and send the families of the fallen letters expressing his condolences and such. You know, personal letters signed by the president. It’s not much, but at least it is a little something. Right?

From Gateway Pundit:

Their letters were all the same.
Form letters – signed by an electric pen.

Classy. I’m surprised Obama didn’t also send a photo of himself with the letters.

Check out the link for shiny pictures and the full story.

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Pressure on Obama Administration to Release “Choom List” Increases

Wednesday, August 29, 2012 11:30 am

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – On the heels of the recently published results of a ground-breaking research project linking the use of marijuana, or “choom”, to the development of rampant idiocy in its users, some groups are beginning to question the “Choomer-in-Chief” himself, President Obama.

Vice President Joe Biden was unable to answer how exactly he became such an idiot.

“All we want to know is, how much of this stuff did he use?” said Brian Goldberg, a senior fellow for the Center of Political Scrutiny. “I think the American people have a right to know just how much the President’s brain has been affected by this horrible drug, preferably before they decide whether to reelect him or not.”

While most groups agree that it is sufficient for the American people to know just to what extent the President subjected himself to reefer madness in his youth, others are claiming it simply isn’t enough, and that there is a more important question that needs to be addressed by the Obama administration.

One such group, Citizens for Open Choom Dialogue, wants to know more about the President’s supposed “Choom Gang”.

“You have to look at this objectively.” said Robert Fullerton, the group’s founder and chairman. “It isn’t enough to know how much choom the President subjected himself to, because as idiotic as his policies are, he still seems relatively functional for an incompetent moron. What we need to know is, who else from his choom gang is serving in our government?”

Reading from a list of suspected individuals, Fullerton and his group are most concerned about a specific person: Vice President Joe Biden.

“Think about it. Is there a more idiotic person in the higher levels of government?” said Fullerton. “Why would anyone purposely select Biden as their Vice President, knowing full well that the man is a complete and utter moron?”

“I’ll tell you why.” he declared. “It’s the choom. Joe Biden was or still is a member of this “choom gang”, and that is why the President selected him as his VP.”

The group has been pressuring the White House to either admit to these accusations, or to show proof otherwise, requesting a list of the Choom Gang membership from President Obama. When asked about it at a recent White House press briefing, Press Secretary Jay Carney made the following statement:

“Look, ah, this is just another type of birtherism.” said Carney, while beginning to foam at the mouth, as he is wont to do. “These “choomers”, that’s, uh, c-h-o-o-m-e-r-s, these choomers are just the same crazy people that want the President to submit yet another document that is irrelevant. They wanted the same thing as with other irrelevant documents such as his birth certificate, his school records, and those silly Fast and Furious documents. Frankly, none of this creates jobs. It’s about the jobs people. And the children.”

And with that, Jay Carney disappeared in a puff of smoke.

An official statement released afterwards from the White House declared, somewhat ambiguously, that Vice President Biden was never a local member of the original Choom Gang of Obama’s school years. Whether or not a current choom gang still exists and if Joe Biden is a member of it was not addressed.

Other “choomers” are starting to pressure the President to release a list.

“It’s simple, either Biden was, or he wasn’t a choom gang member.” said Donald Trump during a recent episode of The View. “Why is this such a big deal? What is the President hiding? I’m not saying Biden was, or is a choom gang member. But we all know he is, in fact, a flaming idiot. So that brings up the obvious question, of his, er, his membership in this choom club thing. Why won’t Obama just answer the question and put this thing to rest? Just release this Choom Gang list, Mr. President!”

NPN sought out Trump for additional remarks, but following his initial statement on The View, Joy Bahar attacked him with a chair and he was unavailable for comment while recovering.

IMAO ace reporter Ghengis Khen [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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If Biden’s Brain Could Be Hacked

Monday, August 27, 2012 6:30 pm

There is a report floating around on the interwebs that scientists, using Science! have succeeded in hacking a person’s brain and retrieving information from it. As scary as that sounds, the procedure is still in its infancy, and requires a lot of brain activity to pick up on.

Regardless of this little problem, which I am sure Science! will fix eventually, I can foresee such a brain-hacking of an important person. Say…Joe Biden for instance. That would be interesting. So, of course, I had to think to myself what might be retrieved from Mr. Biden’s brain in such an experiment…

Biden Brain Hacks

10. *silence* (Scientists: “crank it up to 50!“)

9. “Hmm, where have my pants gone this time?”

Hey girl. You thinking what I’m thinking?

8. “What does Barack see in that teleprompter of his? He’s not as intimate with me.”

7. “I wish I had as big of a stick as Barack does.”

6. “I wish I had a rainbow pinwheel. Those are really cool.”

5. “My favorite three letter word is wood…w-o-o-d. It has such a woody quality to it.”

4. “I had a successful dump today. Was about 150 lbs.”

3. “This brain sucking project must be a big @#$% deal.”

2. “If I had a nickel for every time Barack puts papers in my personal safe, I’d have, um, a lot of nickels.”

1. “After this is over, I am going to look up the website number for this place.”

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