Senate to Ban All Projectile Firing Devices

WASHINGTON (NPN) – On the heels of the national gun control debate that has been raging over the past few weeks, Senator Feinstein, D-Ca, is attempting to push through a bill to ban all projectile firing devices, especially those that can be loaded with more than one projectile.

“This is not a ban against weapons, as that would be unconstitutional,” said the senator, “it is simply a ban on devices that fire projectiles. As we all know, projectiles are dangerous and can hurt and kill people, so we need to get them off of the streets.”

When asked if this included all handguns, hunting rifles, and even BB guns, the senator confirmed this was the case. “Oh yes, those BB guns seem so innocent, but you could shoot your eye out with one of those things.”

A spokesperson for senator Feinstein’s office which is responsible for drafting the new legislation explained that this is not an infringement of people’s rights to bear arms.

“Let them have swords” said the spokesperson. “Or even spears. You can hunt with a spear. And sword fights are fun.”

Gun rights activists like the NRA are up in arms about this new push to ban all guns, setting a date for a rally at the capital and multiple television ads.

“We are not going to sit by while this government tramples our rights to keep and bear arms.” said Tom Green, a gun rights activist. “And not only that, but I spent hundreds on my Nerf gun collection and they want to take it away. I’ll have nothing to do at work!”

White House press secretary Jay Carney held court as reporters bombarded him with questions about the legislation.

“Look, first what I want to say is, the President did not push for any such legislation and so we don’t know all of the details.” said Carney. “But from what I, uh, I understand of senator Feinstein’s bill is that this will only effect a small number of projectile firing devices, not necessarily guns exactly, per se, etc.”

Upon being asked what exactly he defines as being a gun other than a projectile firing device, Carney ripped his shirt off, flexed his biceps and said “now these are guns baby!”. He then held his pose frozen until the reporters finally left.

There are also unconfirmed reports surfacing that several other Democrat members of the Senate are drafting their own bills in an effort to keep the public safe, such as a ban on all types of eapons that start with a “w”, a ban on sharp material separation devices, a ban on devices that have triggers, and a ban on pointy sticks.

There is a rumor that there is also a proposal to ban laws against pederasty, but NPN was unable to confirm which creepy old Democrat Senator from Nevada was looking into such legislation.

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A White House Thanksgiving

So, I held a little contest this week for the writers at Nuking Politics to come up with an article I will post here at IMAO. A chance at glory and copious amounts of bacon. All of the submission were, in my opinion, excellent. But one stood out among the rest: Thanksgiving at the White House, by fellow nuker Lactose the Intolerant [High Praise!].


It’s Thanksgiving at the White House. Obama had invited Elizabeth Warren, the first female Native American Senator, Ingrid Newkirk, the first President of PETA, and Joe Biden, the first mentally challenged Vice President of the United States, over for the holiday feast.

Biden (Opens door to see Ingrid Newkirk holding two buckets of red paint. She is nude except for feathers taped to her helter skelter, and her body has been diagrammed labeling parts as drumstick, thigh, gizzard, etc.): (giggles)
Newkirk: Hello, Joe.
Biden: (giggles)
Obama: Welcome, Ingrid. Well, that is an interesting outfit. That will certainly help us avoid overeating today. (shudder) Please make yourself comfortable. Have a seat over there. Yes, right over there where the shadows are darkest. Let me draw these curtains tight. Joe! Joe! Get off her leg!

(Doorbell rings)
Biden (runs to door and opens it): Hi. I am Joe.
Warren: How, Joe.
Biden: How what?
Warren: ‘How’ is Native American for ‘hello.’ Can you say how?
Biden: What? Why? Hello.
Warren: Not hello. How.
Biden: I am Joe.
Obama: Joe, see the ball? See the ball, Joe? Go get the ball, Joe! Go get it! Sorry, Liz. That should keep Joe busy for a little while. We’re having a hard time training him to keep off of visitors.
Warren: At least I hear you’ve gotten him to stop marking his territory.
Obama: That is true. And we are thankful. We never should have let him play with Bo. Monkey see, monkey do. Welcome to my humble home.
Warren: Here’s the dish I promised you. I hope you all enjoy it. This recipe goes back in my family since way before the Mayflower raped this land. This Native American specialty was probably served at the first Thanksgiving. It’s called Turkey Tikka Masala.
Newkirk (brandishing a bucket of red paint): I thought we had agreed to a vegan holiday.
Warren: No worries. I made this with Tofurkey. Tofurkey has a storied tradition among my tribe. I still remember my grandmother telling me tales of when her father used to go out and hunt the wild tofurkey. There used to be flocks of them, but that was before the paleface came. They didn’t even like to eat the tofurkey. They just wanted the lovely plumage. The plucked carcasses littered the land like litter. (A lone tear crawls down her pale cheek).

Mrs. Obama (entering from the kitchen carrying a large platter containing a roast animal that is clearly not a turkey. Think smaller, with more legs and fur): And here is the piece de resistance.
Newkirk (brandishing bucket): I thought we had agreed to a vegan holiday.
Mrs. Obama: No, no no. Please don’t get up. This is the traditional Kenyan meal of gratitude. Don’t you recall the pecking order? African culture trumps animal rights wackos. It’s like Lincoln used to say. All cultures are equal, except some cultures are more equal than others. Besides, this is the one you euthanized for me special.
Newkirk: Little Fluffernutter? The Bichon Frise?
Mrs. Obama: Bichon Fricassee.
Obama: Yep. And I made this powdered wig from the pelt. Don’t I look aristocratic?
Mrs. Obama: And that wig is totally gay, which trumps even African culture. You lose on both counts. Oh Barack, you would make such a cute gay black man.
Newkirk: You’re a monster!
Obama: Hey, you don’t talk to her like that. If you have a problem, you deal with me. Do you understand me? You deal with me.
Newkirk: Then you’re a monster too!
Obama (from behind Michelle): Racist!
Newkirk: I won’t be a part of this. Good day, sir. And I’m taking my seaweed ripple ice cream with me.
Obama: Come on. Don’t be like that. Come here. Stroke my wig and kiss my ring. It will make you feel better.
Newkirk: Goodbye.

Biden: Can I sit at that big boy table?
Mrs. Obama: It is ‘may’ I sit at the big boy table, and no you may not. Big boys use proper grammar.
Biden: Aw nuts!
Mrs. Obama: And keep the cork on your fork. But I’ll let you have the front drumstick. The paw is the best part.
Biden: Yippee!

Obama: But before we partake, I think you should all take a moment and say grace to me and reflect upon why you are thankful for me and all that I have done for you. I have prepared some remarks for the occasion. Just give the teleprompter a moment to heat up.
Biden: I want to speech too! Please. I wrote it all by myself.
Obama: OK, but then it is back to the kids’ table.
Biden: Yippee! Ready. OK. Four score and seven years ago (recites Gettysburg Address).
Obama: Joe, are you sure you wrote that yourself? That sounded like one of my speeches.
Biden: OK. I stole it from the iPod you gave the queen.
Obama: You know what the rule is about plagiarism.
Biden: Yes. Don’t ever get caught.
Obama: And?
Biden: And if you do get caught, cry racist.
Obama: That’s right. Let’s try this again. Joe, are you sure you wrote that yourself? That sounded like one of my speeches.
Biden: You’re a racist!
Obama: I’m speechless. Good boy, Joe. And now that my teleprompter is up and running, we are almost ready to eat. Just after my speech. It will be a dramatic interpretation of The Audacity of Hope. Chapter One…….

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Head Bucket Versus Iron Dome

So Israel’s new missile defense system, the Iron Dome, has been doing a pretty good job of deflecting the rockets that Hamas has been firing at them. This is even accounting for the fact that many such rockets are poorly aimed as Islamic militants have that nasty habit of yelling “Allah Akbar!” every time they pull a trigger…which totally throws off your aim.

What I want to know is, which is stronger: the Iron Dome, or the President’s head bucket? Because nothing seems to be getting through his head bucket. As in, stuff is getting real in the Middle East while he’s been roaming around Asia looking for more world leaders to insult or bow to.

For instance, remember when Bibi told the United Nations that Iran could “pass the red line”, or have enough weapons grade uranium to make a bomb by sometime around the middle of 2013? Well, the IAEA sort of confirmed it last week. This did not penetrate the head bucket.

What about the fact that Hezbollah, who is as much of an Iranian puppet as Hamas is, isn’t getting involved in this latest skirmish with Israel? Could that mean Iran is holding Hezbollah in reserve in case Israel decides to attack? That’s not getting through the head bucket either.

So, as great as the Iron Dome appears to be, it seems that our President’s head bucket is far more effective at keeping danger at bay. Or at least the knowledge of danger, and since knowing is half the battle, or something, that keeps him at least 50% safe. Right?

Until he takes the bucket off that is…if he ever does.

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Paris Hilton Handbag Store an ‘Affront’ to Islam

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (NPN) – Muslims around the world are crying foul following the opening of a new Paris Hilton Handbags & Accesories store in Mecca, the capital of the Muslim world. Twitter was afire with angry comments towards the hotel heiress and her line of womens accesories that nobody had really heard of until now. Citizens living in and around Mecca especially are upset that such a store could be opened in the holiest of cities and the site of Islam’s annual pilgrimmage.

“This is an affront to Islam itself!” said Said al-Mularki. “Not only does this Satan woman who makes the sexy tapes soil our most holy of cities with her name, but also does so with a line of merchandise that isn’t worth camel dung. Who would buy this crap?”

Paris Hilton being taken into custody for questioning while wearing this lovely ensemble available from the Paris Hilton clothing line.

In response to the store’s opening, a flash mob ensued outside of the busy Mecca mall where protesters shouted in anger, demanding that the “Satan woman’s store be destroyed”. The flash mob also performed a series of dance numbers from the musical CATS, and then broke up.

At the daily White House briefing, reporters questioned White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about the uproar over Paris Hilton’s store in Mecca and what, if anything, the President might do about it.

“The President is deeply concerned about this” said Carney. “He wanted me to make it clear that the administration will do everything in its power to resolve this situation, including, but not limited to bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia…again, and also having Paris Hilton arrested for something that has nothing to do with this. Or something.”

And with that, Carney shouted “BOOM! Explosion!”, crouched behind the podium, and pretended not to be there anymore while singing Memory softly to himself.

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed that Hilton was taken into custody early this morning by the Beverly Hills Police Department. A spokesperson for the department said that the heiress has been taken simply for questioning about something that has nothing to do with handbags or Muslims. No further explanation was offered.

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How to Deal with Hamas

So Israel and Hamas are trading blows again, if you haven’t heard. I know…big deal, right? This always plays out the same way. Hamas starts firing rockets and missiles made in Iran into Israel. Most of them don’t actually hit anything, but some do and Israel gets a little grumpy about it and starts blowing up Hamas terrorist leaders and their rocket/missile sites. Which are all conveniently parked next to schools and mosques and old people homes and the like. So there are some “civilian” casualties.

At this point, the international community starts whining about Israel picking on Palestine, and how evil those war mongering Israelis are, and for there to be peace Israel must stop attacking Palestine and “come to the table” and, I don’t know, agree to stop existing or something. And eventually Israel will meet their Hamas targets killed quota and will back off, allowing Hamas to lick their wounds and re-arm, only to do it all again a few years later.

You would think this cycle might eventually break, and by any of the parties involved. First you have the Palestinians themselves. You know…average Joe Palestine. He’s not part of Hamas, he works to feed his family, and is only moderately annoyed with infidels and Jews. But those Hamas blokes keep starting a shooting match with the Jews, and unfortunately the Jews are kind of better at it. But for some reason, Joe and guys like him just go along with Hamas’ antics, like putting rocket launchers next to his kids’ school.

Then there is the international community of leftist windbags who think it’s their job to cry foul every time Israel attempts to defend itself. Because Palestine are the “little guys” in this thing. Regardless of the fact that the “little guys” are the ones who keep starting it. You would think the rest of the world would eventually be like…”fine Israel, just blow them up and put an end to this”.

And then there is Israel. Some say they have incredible patience and restraint. I’m not one of them. The average Johnny Jew knows by now that the only way there will be peace is when Hamas and their ilk lie in pieces. And everyone knows that weapons are being funneled to Hamas by Iran and Syria, and now possibly Egypt. So you would think Israel would finally just start nuking things.

Well, maybe not nuking Palestine, because it’s a little too close to home, and Israel might want that land back eventually without it being irradiated. But Syria and Iran are decent targets. Israel doesn’t even need to nuke major cities. Just go after viable targets and send the message that they will start nuking things from now on every time Hamas fires a rocket. I’d go as far as to say, any time they hear someone in Palestine say the word “rocket” (unless they are singing the American National Anthem), that they will nuke something in Iran or Syria. Maybe even a camel…they like their camels in those parts of the world.

So the shipments of rockets and missiles to Hamas would probably dry up at that point. And Iran and Syria will be too busy worrying about what Israel might nuke next to really be of any concern, so the IDF can go in and just finish off Hamas. I know what you’re thinking…you still have all of the international whiners to deal with. Well, everytime some whiny leftist country complains about Israel nuking a tent in Iran, they should just nuke another one.

I’d even go as far as bringing the war to Twitter. Like, whenever some hippie on twitter is like “Israel iz evl! They shld be wipd out for reelz!”, then Israel should just tweet back something like: “Thanks for your opinion. Because of it, we just nuked a place in Iran that was not nuked yet. Any more opinions?”

I mean, I’m not an expert on this stuff, but that does seem like a working plan.

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Hippie Punching Day

It’s been brought to my attention [High Praise! to Basil] that there needs to be a Hippie Punching Day song parody of Weird Al’s Weasel Stomping Day.

Well ok. I think I can whip one up…

Hippie Punching Day

Hippie faces here and there
What a wonderful time of year
Here we go! It’s Hippie Punching Day.

Crack your knuckles, now it’s on
Punch those hippies right off your lawn
‘Cause you know, it’s Hippie Punching Day.

Grab their bongo just in case
They try and use it to save their face
You’ll know that you’re doing it right
When your fist turns out their light.

So, come along and have a ball
Just make sure you punch them all
Make a fist and punch your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it’s Hippie Punching Day.

Hippies up and down the street
Faces waiting your fist to meet
Why we do it? ‘Cause we should
It’s really just for their own good.

So let the punching fun begin
Knock some common sense right in
Science! says that it’s the bestest way

Hey everyone it’s Hippie Punching…
We’ll do it right on Hippie Punching…
Knock out their lights on Hippie Punching Day

Here we go, it’s Hippie Punching Day!


UPDATE: Well, it appears that Harvey did his own version of this back in June. Guess he beat Basil and I to it, but hey…more lyrics means more hippie punching time whilst singing this classic holiday tune.

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Nobel Participant Prize

Oslo, Norway (NPN) – The esteemed Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded for the year of 2012 to none other than the greatest proponent of peace on Earth, the entire European Union. Members of the EU assembly, a collective of self-serving and officious bureaucrats, rejoiced and celebrated with lots of self-aggrandizement and partying, which they generally only reserve for days that end with “day”.

Rumor is, the medal will be replaced with a doughnut.

According to EU assembly member Hans von Hans, this award has been a long time coming.

“Really, what better way to acknowledge the hard work and struggles of the bureaucratic class in their effort to tell people how to live their lives?” said the humble Hans. “There is no better way to promote peace than taking rich people’s money and spreading it around to everyone else so they can go on holiday most of the year.”

The Nobel committee revealed that it would be reevaluating its standards on other Nobel prizes, including those for physics, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine. They also announced a new prize: the Nobel for Participation. This prize is to be awarded to all humans on Earth who participate in being a human on Earth.

“This is long overdue, really.” said Pierre Manuel von van de la Klementine of the Nobel committee. “So many humans struggle to do great things and fail. This prize is really to acknowledge their accomplishments and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings that they didn’t get a Nobel Prize. Now everyone will get one!”

In an effort to make the Prize more fair, the Nobel committee has decided to award anyone who practices medicine, be it as a doctor or a person who put a Band-Aid on a cut, a Nobel Prize in medicine. And anyone who has demonstrated the principles of physics in a meaningful way will be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics, whether they have split an atom or cut some cheese. Chemistry will still be a difficult award to get.

“We had to draw the line somewhere.” said Klemintine. “Unless you have, at a minimum, mixed two liquids together, or at least put an ice cube into a liquid, you cannot be awarded the Nobel for Chemistry.”

The metric for earning a Nobel Prize in mathematics is still undecided.

“Most people don’t know how to do any kind of math, so we are still trying to find a way to make this award accessible to people.” said Klementine. “So far, the greatest consensus is to award it to anyone who can pick up two objects at one time.”

Other award categories seem to be in the works, such as the Nobel Prize for Television Watching, the Nobel Prize for Putting Your Pants On, and the Nobel Prize for Breathing.

It is rumored that the Nobel Prize for literature may be phased out, with the Nobel committee stating that writing is just too hard for some people, and making this a part of the Prize is just unfair to so many.

NPN ace reporter mikel (High Praise!) contributed to this story.

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Did Obama Really Win the Debate?

You know, after all of the hoopla lately about the debate last week and how Romney sucker-punched Obama, and won by like 7 touchdowns or something, there has been one point that has been overlooked, one question unasked: Does Obama actually believe he lost?

By the weeping and gnashing of teeth from the leftward media, and the look on Michelle’s face post-debate, as well as the excuse factory that has been churning out stinkers for a week, it is clear that everyone, even Joe Biden, believes Obama lost badly. But does Barry-O think he did?

You have to consider who we’re talking about here. He isn’t just a narcissist, but also a clueless idiot. I mean, he doesn’t even know how simple economics works. You know, lemonade stand economics that even kids can comprehend. It does not compute with him that, if the price of lemonade ingredients, whatever they are, goes up, that Jimmy will fire his little sister from the lemonade stand. Otherwise he can’t make a profit, and profit means some money for the ice cream truck later.

In his mind, he actually is “The One”; some kind of mythological savior of the world. I bet he even puts on his pants two legs at a time just so he can say he doesn’t put his pants on the same way as other people. You know, because he is “The One”, and is like a Greek god or something.

Sure, he’s playing along of course. If all of these people want to believe the lie that he lost, he’ll just go along with it and tell little jokes and stuff. But he is taking notes…he knows who is propagating the lies…and he will make them pay during his next term. Because of course, he is going to be reelected. The idea that he might not win this election hasn’t even occurred to him. And the fact that he may get to pick one or two more Supreme Court justices during his next term isn’t lost on him either. He may be able to find a way to get more terms as president.

Captain Clueless surely believes he actually won that debate, and has already won the election. This is all just a bunch of formality to him…a silly song and dance number he has to suffer through every four years. Surely there is no way the people, who clearly love him like a god, wouldn’t vote for him indefinitely.

I mean…he’s Barack Hussein Obama! Who is this Mitt character? Mitt…what kind of dumb name is that? Barack means blessed warhorse of the Prophet PBUH, or something. Mitt is like a piece of sports equipment. And he’s a rich white guy. That’s so last century! There’s no way that people would vote for a rich white guy now. They’re like the Nazis of the 21st century.

You know what happened in the debate? Obama spoke and people listened. That’s what. Mitt just blabbered. How could that be a win for him? It isn’t. People just want it to be a win for Mitt. It wasn’t even close really. Obama won just by showing up.

Stupid pundits. Obama has more important things to do than listen to your “who won what” mambo-jumbo. Like eighteen holes worth of important things to do.



(High Praise! to Zaklog the Great for pointing out that this question remained unanswered.)

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Breaking News: Professor Claims Obama Campaign ‘Misrepresented’ His Work

Harvard University (NPN) – Professor Martin Feldstein, an economist at Harvard, claims that President Obama and his campaign have misrepresented his study of Mitt Romney’s tax plan. The president has claimed that the tax plan does not work and is purposely designed to raise taxes on middle and low income earners, citing Professor Feldstein’s study.

The Obama Campaign’s corrected version of Professor Feldstein’s study on the Romney Tax Plan.

“This is completely reprehensible, what they have done.” said the wild-eyed Feldstein in a horrible German accent. “My study clearly showed that the Romney tax plan can in fact achieve debt neutrality while avoiding raising tax rates on the middle class, low class, and those with no class.”

With that, the professor then filled three giant chalk boards proving why, threw his chalk at this reporter and stalked out of the class room.

An Obama campaign spokesperson quickly responded to our inquest regarding Professor Feldstein’s claims.

“He’s clearly wrong about our mischaracterization of his study.” said Margaret Stump, a chief financial adviser of the campaign. “We read his report, which made little sense to begin with, and simply corrected his math, which didn’t work originally. I mean, who uses a bunch of symbols and letters instead of numbers when doing math? It was garbage.”

The professor also apparently did not account for the costs and penalties associated with Obamacare.

“I don’t know what Dr. Feldstein was thinking, removing Obamacare expenses like that.” said Stump. “The costs of that are going to be huge, and you can’t make conclusions about a tax policy without recognizing how much Obamacare will add to the tax burden and completely crush the middle class, while putting small companies out of business and taking away from the economic growth that Romney’s tax cuts are supposed to make appear out of thin air.”

Vice presidential candidate Joe Biden apparently caught wind of this story as it was developing and made some comments in a speech to members of the Chupacabra Hunters Union in Wisconsin.

“This nutty professor is going around saying he knows better how to do math than the President of the United States!” said an apoplectic Biden. “Yeah! He is saying that. I mean, you can’t become president or vice president without knowing a lot about math. So I have three words for you Professor: Go Learn Math! Oh wait, that was four words. Four words for you professor.”

The Romney campaign was unable to respond to these developments being indisposed by fits of raucous laughter.

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The War On Energy

I was reading stuff on the interwebs today, and found an article on The Daily Caller that talked about the “war on coal” by the EPA.

But, it is really energy in general that progressive types, like the EPA (because lets face it, only tree-hugging communists join the EPA), are at war with. Or, better put, they are at war with solutions. Because the left isn’t interested in solutions, per se. Or, not per se. Pretty much all se, they are against actual solutions to the issue of energy production with limited environmental impact. Otherwise, they would love nuclear power. But they hate nuclear power.

How do I know? Because that is what I do for a living…nuclear power. Using atoms to turn on your light bulb, because I care…about my paycheck. But also, because I think nuclear energy is pretty awesome. I mean, we split atoms and make energy from it. How cool is that? And we give off no emissions. Sure, there is waste, but that is what caverns under a mountain in the middle of nowhere are for. Oh wait, Harry Reid blocked that idea. Why?

Because he is at war with actual energy solutions.

The left doesn’t want a solution. They don’t actually want electric cars that are economical and viable. They don’t want cheap solar or wind energy. They want it as expensive as possible. The Volt costs a lot of money to buy, and isn’t a very good car. That is what they want. We cannot manufacture cheap solar panels, because science hasn’t quite caught up with those ambitions…to a leftist, that’s a good thing.

Why? Well that’s easy. Because, if the private sector solves these problems, then they can’t use those problems to try and control the private sector. It’s really as simple as that. As popular as environmentalism has become amongst the common populace, if it were really feasible to create energy without waste and whatnot, then everyone would be doing it, and saying they did it better than their competitors. Because that is how the free market works.

But, nuclear energy doesn’t give off any CO2, or any other pollutants. The waste is solid and can be contained. Compared to coal or even natural gas, nuclear energy seems perfect. And it is nuclear energy that proves the left’s lie. Because it is a solution to their supposed problem. I say “supposed” because it is the problem that the left uses to further their aims, not actual solutions.

That is how the left works: pose an “unsolvable” problem, and challenge the right to fix it. If the right has any solutions, simply point out any flaw, no matter how minor. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. If the right does not have a solution, claim that they don’t care. The old catch-22.

Science! could come up with a way, today, to turn unicorn farts into a perfect energy source, and the left would find fault with it. Because they don’t want a solution, they want a problem. Their theme is that government solves all problems. It is this theme by which they operate. If you solve problems, they lose their talking point. Which is why they don’t ever solve problems themselves, but simply perpetuate them.

Poverty? Keep the poor, poor. As long as they keep voting for you.

Social issues? Trump the causes of this or that group, but never commit to anything.

Environment? Spread the message of doom and gloom and propose government regulation as the answer…without giving any actual solutions.

Economy? Create more public sector jobs, even if you cannot hope to pay for them.

Deficit? What deficit?

Foreign policy? What embassies? We have embassies?

Failure? It’s Bush’s fault.

Angry post? Yes, this is an angry post. Feel my wrath.

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