Author Archive

You Just Have to Ask the Right Questions

Thursday, September 13, 2012 11:00 am

A Time Magazine article is claiming that Romney won’t do well in debates with President Carter Obama. While the author’s premise is stupid and dumb, and stupid, it very well could be the case that Romney will do poorly in the debates. That is, if they are hosted by the mainstream media’s more “esteemed” personnel…as they generally are.

Not that such honest and objective journalists would ever conspire to ask certain questions in order to trip up Romney or force a gaffe or two, but if they did so, it could be pretty rough for Mitt.

Consider the following questions:
_______________

* “Governor Romney, in your opinion would the economy do better if President Obama were to stay in office and continue his excellent policies, or would the economy do worse in a Romney administration?”

* “Would you consider your foreign policy experience less than the President’s, or is he simply more experienced than you are?”

* “Governor Romney, which do you like better: Nazis or the KKK?”

* “Could you explain, in detail, how exactly you became such a racist?”

* “Governor, in your opinion, what advantages can your powers to give people murder-cancer bring to the presidency?”

* “Which do you prefer: White people or White peoples?”

* “Governor, when exactly did you begin your war on women, and as a follow up question, how does your wife feel about your hating women?”

* “What is your preferred method for beating orphans?”

* “Governor Romney, do you hate the President because he is black, or because he is only half-white?”

* “Governor, when you laugh at poor people, is it more of a cackle, or a loud guffaw?”
_______________

Whew! Those would really be some tough questions for Mitt. It’s a good thing the media would never try to set him up like that.

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Biggest Threat to National Security: Fat People

Thursday, September 13, 2012 10:00 am

It seems that a clear and present danger to our national security has gone almost unnoticed, until now. The FLOTUS (which I assume stands for Fat Lady of the United States) has identified this horrible threat, obesity, calling it “absolutely the greatest threat to our national security”.

That’s right, fat people are the greatest threat facing this nation. Not terrorists. Not our enemies. Not explosive events in the Middle East or crazy governments trying to make nuclear weapons. Not cyber-espionage from Russia or China. Not crazypants North Korea.

Fat people.

Well, as FLOTUS, she ought to know.

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Our President Needs Help Communicating

Wednesday, September 12, 2012 9:30 am

We are facing a very difficult crisis in this country, which culminates in the ultimate outcome of the election in November. It is the possibility that our beloved president might be cast out of office prematurely by the forces of evil, greed, more evil, and woman-hating racist bigotry. And evil. And rich white people, who are evil. You might ask how this could be? The answer is that most Americans, something like 99%, all of whom love our dear leader, plan to stay home during the election.

I need some help. Please, it’s for the children…and my next memoir or two.

But how can this be?

It is simple…our dear leader did not communicate to us well enough. It’s our fault really, as The One cannot be expected to always speak in terms that us common people can really understand. When he starts saying things like numbers, and math, and words that end in -ly or aren’t contractions, we are easily confused, and we don’t know what to think. You see, as long as the welfare checks keep on coming, we think everything is OK. But it is not OK…our dear president can’t undo all of the evil greedy woman-hating racist bigotry that ensued during eight years of the Bush in a mere four years.

I mean, he still has to create a lot of jobs, because Bush sent most of them to China, since that is what evil greedy woman-hating racist bigots do: send jobs to China. Now, I don’t personally know anyone that actually likes jobs, but they are something that is needed here in America, because something..something.

Anyway, it is up to us to get the word out and to spread the president’s message, in simple speech that us regular folks can actually understand. To do this, we need to translate it. One thing that has to be done is to remove numbers and anything that sounds like math, because normal people don’t understand or even care about math…since it is some useless thing that annoying nerds came up with anyway. For instance, instead of telling people that the unemployment rate is “8.2%”, we should say “the unemployment rate is really little”.

Or, instead of admitting that the national deficit is “over sixteen-trillion dollars”, we should simply tell people that the national deficit is a made up thing with fake numbers, since nobody ever heard of “trillion”, because Republicans made it up.

Another thing we need to do is to parse down the explanations of why things aren’t all that great. Instead of explanations about deficits, and budgets, and spending, and economic climate or any of that nonsense, we should just be saying that it is basically Bush’s fault. Because that is what all of that fancy stuff actually means. I wish the president would just say that more, but he is a noble person and doesn’t like to blame others, even when it is warranted.

Finally, the message that Obama might be kicked out of office like this, pretty much in a coup since we did vote for him last time basically so he could be president for at least eight years, needs to be told to everyone. I think a lot of people just don’t know that Obama might not be their president anymore after next January. If they did, they would probably turn out to the polls in droves.

And more importantly, they need to know who he might be replaced with…a Republican. That’s bad enough, but this particular Republican is part of the 1%, and is greedy, rich, evil, a woman-hater, a racist, and a bigot. Like more than regular Republicans I mean. And I also heard somewhere that he is a nazi. And possibly a devil-worshiper, and a sorcerer that can give people cancer on a whim. Worst of all, there is even a possibility that he doesn’t pay his taxes. That is a pretty big claim, and it might not be true, but we should still warn people about it, just in case.

I think we’ve kind of let Obama down for not doing all of this earlier. We kind of voted him in, and then just went back to eating Cheetos, smoking pot, and playing video games like normal Americans like to do. Instead, we should have been there for him, helping him spread his message. Now it’s time we get out there, spread the word, maybe burn down a few Romney signs, fill a few vans with homeless and/or illegal immigrants and/or dead people to go rock the vote this election, like we did last time.

It’s for the children…

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Biden’s Challenge

Monday, September 10, 2012 12:30 pm

During Biden’s trip through Ohio this weekend, Captain Happypants got a little defensive about some people not buying everything he’s telling them and issued a challenge to the media to fact check him.

Is that really necessary? I mean, nobody “fact checks” their crazy uncle, because nobody takes him seriously in the first place. But if Biden really wants to be fact cheked, we could probably get some school children to do it. They could easily point out how many letters are in words like “jobs” or what state Biden happens to be in.

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Obama Math

Monday, September 10, 2012 11:30 am

Obama was channeling Biden this morning when he told a crowd in Florida that American manufacturers were making products “marked with three proud words: Made in the U.S.A.”

I’m really starting to see a trend here. I think both the presidential and vice-presidential debates should start out with a few simple math problems, like 2+2, or “how many fingers am I holding up”?

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Obama vs Technology

Monday, September 10, 2012 10:36 am

At a campaign stop in Florida, Obama decided it would be be a great bit of publicity to personally phone two of the local campaign’s volunteers and thank them for whatever it is campaign volunteers do…licking stamps or burning people’s Romney signs or something.

So someone handed him an iPhone to make the call. And the President couldn’t figure the blasted thing out.

But when White House trip director Marvin Nicholson handed the president his personal iPhone, Mr. Obama couldn’t get it to work. A reporter who witnessed the scene said the president looked “befuddled.”

“It’s not clear he knows how to dial on an iPhone,” the reporter wrote in a pool report.

It kind of reminds me of his troubles with regular phones too.

I’m guessing calculators are also a toughy. And pretty much anything else that deals with numbers.

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Can Monkeys With Typewriters Write the U.S. Tax Code?

Saturday, September 8, 2012 5:00 pm

It has recently been estimated that the current U.S. tax code is about four times longer than the roughly one million word complete works of William Shakespeare.

I suppose the real question is, if monkeys with typewriters given enough time can compose all of Shakespeare’s works, can they also come up with the tax code…or is that actually how it was written in the first place?

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The Democrats Have an Interesting Way of Counting Votes

Wednesday, September 5, 2012 7:30 pm

Not that their inability to count or do simple math is really questionable at this point. Watch as the Democrats disregard a rather vocal number of delegates to amend their party platform…

Haha…silly Democrats.

Hey, and by the way, I just had a birthday. And you know what my parents got me for my birthday? That’s right! Amazon.com credit. What should I do with that?

I was thinking, maybe buy a book or something. I like books. But I am not sure what book to buy. I think I want a funny book. Maybe something with a lot of political satire in it. Does anyone know any like that out right now?

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What Would It Be Like to Attend the DNC?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012 3:00 pm

There have been plenty of anecdotal stories on attending this year’s Republican National Convention, and from most accounts it sounds like it was relatively fun…for a political convention. I still don’t think I’d want to go, but then if I had a reason to go I would probably enjoy it more. You know, like if I was a senator, I could walk around making people bow and kiss my ring. At least, I think that is what senators do.

Well, I was thinking: what would a day at the Democratic National Convention be like? Probably boring, but then hanging around some railroad tracks in the middle of nowhere is boring too…until there is a train wreck. And with that many Democrats and their nutty supporters in one place, there’s bound to be a few wrecks. So it could be interesting after all…

Day 1 at the DNC
________________

* You’re assaulted by the garbage police for throwing your plastic cup into a “recycle” bin instead of the “composte” bin. It’s clearly marked biodegradeable!

* You try to eat some of that great BBQ, but then are publically shamed and ridiculed by mobs of animal rights activists and militant vegans.

* You give up on the BBQ and go try to get a waffle cone…until Michelle Obama’s personal food police stop you.

* You notice Harry Reid keeps following people into the restroom.

* You keep tripping over hippies laying all over the place. You then notice those are actually the delegates.

* You keep getting the wrong change when you buy things because none of these people can do basic math.

* After listening to a dozen boring speeches, you are then forced to watch a video about how great of a president Jimmy Carter was.

* When the video is over, you suddenly feel sick and head to the restroom. You notice Harry Reid following you.

* You decide to head back to your hotel room to lay down for a bit, but then are attacked by swarms of angry bed bugs.

* Tired, hungry, and feeling a bit sick, you arrive back just in time to hear Michelle Obama speak…and then realize you forgot to bring your Klingon to English translator.
________________

Yep. Sounds like a great time to me.

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President Obama Marks Labor Day

Monday, September 3, 2012 1:00 pm

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – As the nation turned to various festivities and traditions on this Labor Day, from grilling food in the backyard and spending time with family, to remembering the hard work, ingenuity, and enterprise that it took to make this a great country, the President took part in a ceremony of his own, followed by a speech to commemorate the occasion.

President Obama prepares to lay a union-made wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job in honor of the many jobs lost.

The ceremony began with the President laying a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Job, and after a moment of silence for the many jobs lost, President Obama gave a short speech to mark the holiday.

“This day, Labor Day, is a day of remembrance of the many jobs that once made this country so great.” said the President. “For without them, we would not have had the peace and prosperity that we so enjoyed before. It is important on a day like this, a national holiday, to remember those many jobs that were saved or created, shovel ready or not so ready, public union or private union, green or kind of green, and all the rest that keep at least some of America working and paying taxes to me.”

“And it is especially important to honor the unbroken unemployment lines, and also the unbroken line of fallen jobs.” the President said. “I see many of them out here today. It is with their continued sacrifice that my dreams of a different kind of America will be made possible. We may mourn their loss, but keep looking forward to the future I am bringing you to.”

After the speech, the White House hosted a special lunch with national union leaders. During this, one of the union leaders, Larry Greer, gave a short speech of his own.

“On behalf of the many labor unions in the nation,” said Greer, “I would like to thank President Obama for his continued efforts in helping organized labor regain its grip on power over evil businesses and the people in general. If it were not for his tireless work to destroy as many non-union jobs as possible, we would simply have faded away with time.”

The speech was met with cheers and toasts in the President’s honor.

In other news, a job from California that was reported missing last month has turned up in the port city of Pinghu, China. Chinese officials have granted the job full asylum, as has been their policy for the last several years while more and more jobs continue to self-exile themselves from the United States.

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Romney Makes Obama Dance

Friday, August 31, 2012 2:52 pm

It looks like Mitt Romney pulled a fast one on the Obama campaign. He has decided to go straight on to Louisiana to meet Governor Bobby Jindal and check on the storm-damaged areas on the coast. When the Obama team heard this, they scrambled to change their plans and get Obama to Louisiana by Monday.

From the Daily Mail:

‘In light of the President’s travel to Louisiana to meet with local officials and view ongoing response and recovery efforts to Hurricane Isaac, President Obama will no longer travel to Cleveland, Ohio on Monday, September 3,’ the campaign said in a terse statement.

That’s right Mr. President. Your leisurley golf-course pace is over. You’re on Romney time now.

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Even This Title is Racist!

Friday, August 31, 2012 12:27 pm

The “Chief Diversity Officer” of the U.S. State Department was so concerned about people saying racist things, that he felt it was his duty to find a way to connect just about every phrase in the American vernacular to how it might in fact be racist.

For example, “hold down the fort” is apparently racist towards Native Americans, because it has something to do with forts protecting people from them in the old days. And as we all know, there was no such thing as a fort prior to white Europeans building them in America to steal Indian lands.

So, what other words or phrases might we be using that could be racist?

Fellow nuker FormerHostage (High Praise!) got a head start on this in his comments today:

Skillet -> cast iron -> black -> RACIST!
Dinosaurs -> giant lizards -> rhymes with wizard -> Grand Wizard -> RACISTS!

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Romney Frightens Michael Moore

Friday, August 31, 2012 9:37 am

Recently in an interview, controversial film maker and big fat dummy Michael Moore predicted that Mitt Romney will win the election. He lamented the fact that young people aren’t excited about Obama any more like they were in 2008 and probably won’t get out of bed to vote. He also said something about Republicans riding dinosaurs, which gives them a clear advantage.

In other news, seismologists are using Science! to try and locate where on the planet Michael Moore is at any given moment, as this may be the key to predicting earthquakes.

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Obama Didn’t Sign That

Thursday, August 30, 2012 11:49 am

Remember that Chinook helicopter that went down in Afghanistan last year and killed 30 Americans?

Well apparently Obama decided to follow tradition as president and send the families of the fallen letters expressing his condolences and such. You know, personal letters signed by the president. It’s not much, but at least it is a little something. Right?

From Gateway Pundit:

Their letters were all the same.
Form letters – signed by an electric pen.

Classy. I’m surprised Obama didn’t also send a photo of himself with the letters.

Check out the link for shiny pictures and the full story.

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Pressure on Obama Administration to Release “Choom List” Increases

Wednesday, August 29, 2012 11:30 am

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – On the heels of the recently published results of a ground-breaking research project linking the use of marijuana, or “choom”, to the development of rampant idiocy in its users, some groups are beginning to question the “Choomer-in-Chief” himself, President Obama.

Vice President Joe Biden was unable to answer how exactly he became such an idiot.

“All we want to know is, how much of this stuff did he use?” said Brian Goldberg, a senior fellow for the Center of Political Scrutiny. “I think the American people have a right to know just how much the President’s brain has been affected by this horrible drug, preferably before they decide whether to reelect him or not.”

While most groups agree that it is sufficient for the American people to know just to what extent the President subjected himself to reefer madness in his youth, others are claiming it simply isn’t enough, and that there is a more important question that needs to be addressed by the Obama administration.

One such group, Citizens for Open Choom Dialogue, wants to know more about the President’s supposed “Choom Gang”.

“You have to look at this objectively.” said Robert Fullerton, the group’s founder and chairman. “It isn’t enough to know how much choom the President subjected himself to, because as idiotic as his policies are, he still seems relatively functional for an incompetent moron. What we need to know is, who else from his choom gang is serving in our government?”

Reading from a list of suspected individuals, Fullerton and his group are most concerned about a specific person: Vice President Joe Biden.

“Think about it. Is there a more idiotic person in the higher levels of government?” said Fullerton. “Why would anyone purposely select Biden as their Vice President, knowing full well that the man is a complete and utter moron?”

“I’ll tell you why.” he declared. “It’s the choom. Joe Biden was or still is a member of this “choom gang”, and that is why the President selected him as his VP.”

The group has been pressuring the White House to either admit to these accusations, or to show proof otherwise, requesting a list of the Choom Gang membership from President Obama. When asked about it at a recent White House press briefing, Press Secretary Jay Carney made the following statement:

“Look, ah, this is just another type of birtherism.” said Carney, while beginning to foam at the mouth, as he is wont to do. “These “choomers”, that’s, uh, c-h-o-o-m-e-r-s, these choomers are just the same crazy people that want the President to submit yet another document that is irrelevant. They wanted the same thing as with other irrelevant documents such as his birth certificate, his school records, and those silly Fast and Furious documents. Frankly, none of this creates jobs. It’s about the jobs people. And the children.”

And with that, Jay Carney disappeared in a puff of smoke.

An official statement released afterwards from the White House declared, somewhat ambiguously, that Vice President Biden was never a local member of the original Choom Gang of Obama’s school years. Whether or not a current choom gang still exists and if Joe Biden is a member of it was not addressed.

Other “choomers” are starting to pressure the President to release a list.

“It’s simple, either Biden was, or he wasn’t a choom gang member.” said Donald Trump during a recent episode of The View. “Why is this such a big deal? What is the President hiding? I’m not saying Biden was, or is a choom gang member. But we all know he is, in fact, a flaming idiot. So that brings up the obvious question, of his, er, his membership in this choom club thing. Why won’t Obama just answer the question and put this thing to rest? Just release this Choom Gang list, Mr. President!”

NPN sought out Trump for additional remarks, but following his initial statement on The View, Joy Bahar attacked him with a chair and he was unavailable for comment while recovering.

______________
IMAO ace reporter Ghengis Khen [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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If Biden’s Brain Could Be Hacked

Monday, August 27, 2012 6:30 pm

There is a report floating around on the interwebs that scientists, using Science! have succeeded in hacking a person’s brain and retrieving information from it. As scary as that sounds, the procedure is still in its infancy, and requires a lot of brain activity to pick up on.

Regardless of this little problem, which I am sure Science! will fix eventually, I can foresee such a brain-hacking of an important person. Say…Joe Biden for instance. That would be interesting. So, of course, I had to think to myself what might be retrieved from Mr. Biden’s brain in such an experiment…

Biden Brain Hacks
______________

10. *silence* (Scientists: “crank it up to 50!“)

9. “Hmm, where have my pants gone this time?”

Hey girl. You thinking what I’m thinking?

8. “What does Barack see in that teleprompter of his? He’s not as intimate with me.”

7. “I wish I had as big of a stick as Barack does.”

6. “I wish I had a rainbow pinwheel. Those are really cool.”

5. “My favorite three letter word is wood…w-o-o-d. It has such a woody quality to it.”

4. “I had a successful dump today. Was about 150 lbs.”

3. “This brain sucking project must be a big @#$% deal.”

2. “If I had a nickel for every time Barack puts papers in my personal safe, I’d have, um, a lot of nickels.”

1. “After this is over, I am going to look up the website number for this place.”
______________

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Fun Facts About Oiho

Saturday, August 25, 2012 8:30 pm

With the permission of Harvey and in humble homage to his Fun Facts About the 50 States , I think it is high time that we look at some fun facts about the state of Oiho….

__________________

* Oiho became the 58th state on August 21, 2012 by executive order of President Obama, despite calls for the contrary by residents of the 57th state of North Virginia Carolina.

* The state flower of Oiho is the Corpse Flower, and is dedicated to the memory of the Navy corpsemen from Oiho that fought in past wars.

* A large number of Corpsemen come from Oiho, and represent an important voting bloc for the Democratic Party.

* While the ambulance was invented in Ohio, the method of writing “AMBULANCE” backwards on the front of the vehicle was invented in Oiho as a means of confusing lawyers approaching it from the front.

The state flag of Oiho is basically a rip-off of the French flag, but with O-i-h-o written in big letters lest anyone forget how to spell it correctly.

* Doctors at the Oiho State University Medical Center were the first to perfect the method of testing kids for asthma using a breathalyzer.

* It is now state law in Oiho that erratic drivers be pulled over and administered an asthma test by police.

* The state is named “Oiho” which is a Native American Warren tribe word for “You didn’t build that teepee”.

* Oiho State University is the largest school in the state. The football team is named the Oiho State Buckets.

* The mascot of the Oiho State Football Team is a man in a suit wearing a bucket on his head.

* The fans also usually wear buckets on their heads to support the team, but have trouble following the games this way.

* The hothound was invented in Oiho in 2009. Unlike the hotdog, it is actually made of dog.

* Hothounds are traditionally served at all Oiho State football games, but are difficult to eat with a bucket on your head.

* Cleaverland, Oiho is the home of the Mom Jeans Hall of Fame. Across the street is a museum dedicated to nerdy bicycle helmets.

* The state of Oiho currently bans its citizens from visiting most of Asia, including the small island Asian country of Hawaii.

* The Intercontinental Railroad first began construction in Cincy, Oiho, connecting Oiho to France.

* Toldeo, Oiho was the site of the first Special Olympics Bowling Championship. The winning score was 129.

* Every Memorial Day, the city of Akorn, Oiho holds a parade including corpsemen and fallen heroes.

* Dual use door-windows were first used in Oiho. The placement of these in all government buildings was a requirement for statehood.

* Oiho is one of the only states to not allow citizens to conceal-carry guns. The state does, however, issue permits for the bitter-clinging of weapons.

* The permit also allows for the bitter-clinging of religion. Only one religion and one gun can be bitterly clinged to at a time.

* Oiho is home to the national Typical White Person Association. Its mission is to be typical, white, and bitterly cling to things.

__________________

That about wraps it up for fun facts about the state of Oiho. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go try and eat a hothound with a bucket on my head.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked at Legal Insurrection.

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Stux With Obama net Virus

Thursday, August 23, 2012 9:30 pm

So the latest polls are showing that Romney and Obama are “neck and neck”. Ignoring how ridiculous it sounds for those two guys to be necking, it seems quite ridiculous to me that this could even be the case.

I mean, Obama is like the worst president ever, in the history of everything. Even Jimmy Carter wasn’t as bad as Obama, if only because Carter couldn’t get away with as much crap as Obama can in the new progressive era. And by new progressive era, I mean an era where people are willing to ignore how bad things are if they get some free stuff.

It took generations to get people to this point where they are so willfully ignorant of what happens when a government trades your very freedom for some free stuff. And that free stuff isn’t even that good. I mean…food stamps? You won’t be eating high off the hog with those. And welfare and unemployment aren’t really great paychecks.

And does anyone really want to put their health in the hands of Medcaid? Where you get government-prescribed treatment and no second opinons? Do so many people actually choose this way to live? I’m not so sure.

I’m a big time fan of America. I’m such a fan, I even served in two branches of the military. Ok, yeah, they let me play with really cool weapons, so that was probably the number one reason. But still, I am a big fan of America. And as a fan, I refuse to believe that something close to 50 percent of my fellow Americans are either idiots or nincompoops. Because that is what these polls suggest. Is there any questions that Obama has been a horrible president? I’d love to hear an actual argument to the contrary.

You won’t hear such an argument out of the left…they are too busy telling us that Romney commits murder-cancer and Ryan likes to throw old people off of cliffs to actually defend their own president’s record.

So what’s the deal? I have a theory! And it has nothing to do with shady pollsters, because there are some pretty good pollsters giving the same results. My theory is that there is a new computer virus on the loose. Created by the left. What this virus does is infect computers that it targets, specifically those of pollsters, and confuses their mathematics capabilities.

Who better to create such a virus than people who can’t even do simple addition and subtraction. Like, if you take money from business owners, they will have more money to hire more people. Only the left could get that result. Or, if we spend more, we will reduce the deficit. Again, only leftist mathematics can prove that theory.

I think I am on to something here. This is the only way polls can be telling us that there are as many people willing to reelect the worst president in history over an inanimate carbon rod, much less a former governor and businessman in an economic recession. I think it goes something like this:

Pollster: “Hello, I would like to ask you if you are planning to vote for Obama or Romney?”

Sample Person 1: “Obama? Obama!?! Are you kidding me? That guy is a complete stuttering catastrophe of a miserable failure. I am voting Romney!”

Polling computer: IF mention obama THEN add=1 vote for obama.

Sample Person #2: “I wish Obama would self-exile himself. I am voting Romney.”

Polling computer: add=2 vote for obama.

Sample Person #3: “I like unicorns.”

Polling Computer: IF mention unicorns THEN add=256 vote for obama.

I don’t know for sure if this is true, but this might be a sample of leftist logic in virus form. I call it the stuxwithobamanet virus.

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Obama’s Fundraising Woes

Wednesday, August 22, 2012 8:48 pm

Our dear president is in a bit of a pickle, and it really boggles the mind how this could have even happened. You see, his opponent, Mitt Romney…that guy who is well known for murdering people with cancer, taking one-way trips with dogs on his car, and outsourcing jobs because it creates more poor people he can laugh at…has been out-doing Obama in fundraising. To the tune of over $60 million dollars! That’s right! Sixty! With, like, a million zeroes behind it, or something.

Maybe Michelle should have planted money trees in the garden instead of arugula…

Well, it’s a lot, and Obama isn’t too happy about it. He’s putting on a good show, of course, acting like everything is copacetic, and assuring us all that he will really stick it to the rich when he gets re-elected. Which is the important issue, no doubt. Those filthy devil-spawn rich people need a good sticking to, because it grows the economy and provides jobs and makes roads and bridges.

See, people can only give so much money to a campaign directly. Something like, $10 I think. Plus that dollar you can give on your taxes. So that is..umm..17 dollars I guess. So, the average ordinary Julia, who really loves Obama by the way, can only give 17 dollars straight to Obama. Which is really unfair, but those are the rules that the rich Republicans made to keep Democrats down. So, to raise money, Obama has to host dinners, clown shows starring Joe Biden, and things like that. And it costs like, one-hundred-eleventy dollars to get into these kinds of things, which the average Julia doesn’t have.

So Obama needs rich people with that many elevens of dollars to pay for a plate of catered food from some guy who didn’t build his business anyway. Which is only fair, because at least three of those elevens of dollars go not to the processed mashed potatoes, but to Obama’s campaign. They do important stuff with this money. Like making new commercials about how evil Romney is, and how he once traded his soul to the Devil to become a famous singer, and when that didn’t pan out, he owed the Devil three souls, and so he sold orphans’ souls to the Devil. Or to bumping four hours of tee times to get the president into an exclusive course during his campaign tour. Important campaign stuff like that.

So, like I said, that leaves rich people to help Obama get all of this money he needs to stay as president. But, as we all know, rich people are evil, and evil people are pretty much dumb. They don’t realize how much richer they will get when Obama raises their taxes to one-hundred-eleventy percent. Because this will stimulate the economy, and make more jobs, and then rich people will get richer. Even though the middle class will get even richer than the rich people are, and the poor will actually inherit the Earth. I read that somewhere.

But rich people, being evil and dumb like they are, just won’t pay to eat dinner with Obama, because they are against him fixing the economy. And they won’t pay to see Joe Biden act like a clown either. But that is probably because you can see that for free on the news every night. Maybe that is what the Obama campaign is doing wrong. If you could only see Biden do his clown routine in private, and charge for it, maybe then Obama could get rich people to pay, even grudgingly.

I should write the Obama campaign now and tell them I figured out how they can raise money.

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Cthulhu Third Party Candidacy at an End

Saturday, August 18, 2012 7:30 pm

R’lyeh, South Pacific (NPN) – Potential presidential candidate Cthulhu has made it official: he has decided not to run as a third party “greater of evils” option in this year’s U.S. Presidential race.

The Dread god is sitting this one out.

“I just don’t see the point,” a somber Cthulhu said. “I mean, my platform has always been the total and utter destruction and subjugation of the human race, starting with the United States. But this year, there is already a candidate who can help accomplish these things.”

Cthulhu worries that running for president could jeopardize the Obama campaign by stealing votes from the misanthropic and nihilist segments of the Democrat base, which are sizable, but not enough to win an election on.

“The worst thing that can happen here, is that people select the lesser of evils, Mitt Romney. I just can’t be party to that, when I am such an outspoken proponent of the greater of evils in an election.” said Cthulhu, while eating one of our reporters. “Mmm nom nom, um, if Obama keeps up what he is doing, *burrrrrp*, then I could take the election in 2016, and the United States will be so broken by then, it will be child’s play to finish the work I intend to do.”

In other news, while it was speculated that General Zod would also enter the race again, very little has been heard out of his camp. Zod himself was unavailable for comment when asked about it, but a spokesperson did respond to NPN’s inquest.

“The General has not made a decision on whether he will run this year, or, more likely, simply take over the world.” said the Zod spokesperson. “Kneel before Zod.”

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