How to Deal with Hamas

So Israel and Hamas are trading blows again, if you haven’t heard. I know…big deal, right? This always plays out the same way. Hamas starts firing rockets and missiles made in Iran into Israel. Most of them don’t actually hit anything, but some do and Israel gets a little grumpy about it and starts blowing up Hamas terrorist leaders and their rocket/missile sites. Which are all conveniently parked next to schools and mosques and old people homes and the like. So there are some “civilian” casualties.

At this point, the international community starts whining about Israel picking on Palestine, and how evil those war mongering Israelis are, and for there to be peace Israel must stop attacking Palestine and “come to the table” and, I don’t know, agree to stop existing or something. And eventually Israel will meet their Hamas targets killed quota and will back off, allowing Hamas to lick their wounds and re-arm, only to do it all again a few years later.

You would think this cycle might eventually break, and by any of the parties involved. First you have the Palestinians themselves. You know…average Joe Palestine. He’s not part of Hamas, he works to feed his family, and is only moderately annoyed with infidels and Jews. But those Hamas blokes keep starting a shooting match with the Jews, and unfortunately the Jews are kind of better at it. But for some reason, Joe and guys like him just go along with Hamas’ antics, like putting rocket launchers next to his kids’ school.

Then there is the international community of leftist windbags who think it’s their job to cry foul every time Israel attempts to defend itself. Because Palestine are the “little guys” in this thing. Regardless of the fact that the “little guys” are the ones who keep starting it. You would think the rest of the world would eventually be like…”fine Israel, just blow them up and put an end to this”.

And then there is Israel. Some say they have incredible patience and restraint. I’m not one of them. The average Johnny Jew knows by now that the only way there will be peace is when Hamas and their ilk lie in pieces. And everyone knows that weapons are being funneled to Hamas by Iran and Syria, and now possibly Egypt. So you would think Israel would finally just start nuking things.

Well, maybe not nuking Palestine, because it’s a little too close to home, and Israel might want that land back eventually without it being irradiated. But Syria and Iran are decent targets. Israel doesn’t even need to nuke major cities. Just go after viable targets and send the message that they will start nuking things from now on every time Hamas fires a rocket. I’d go as far as to say, any time they hear someone in Palestine say the word “rocket” (unless they are singing the American National Anthem), that they will nuke something in Iran or Syria. Maybe even a camel…they like their camels in those parts of the world.

So the shipments of rockets and missiles to Hamas would probably dry up at that point. And Iran and Syria will be too busy worrying about what Israel might nuke next to really be of any concern, so the IDF can go in and just finish off Hamas. I know what you’re thinking…you still have all of the international whiners to deal with. Well, everytime some whiny leftist country complains about Israel nuking a tent in Iran, they should just nuke another one.

I’d even go as far as bringing the war to Twitter. Like, whenever some hippie on twitter is like “Israel iz evl! They shld be wipd out for reelz!”, then Israel should just tweet back something like: “Thanks for your opinion. Because of it, we just nuked a place in Iran that was not nuked yet. Any more opinions?”

I mean, I’m not an expert on this stuff, but that does seem like a working plan.

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Hippie Punching Day

It’s been brought to my attention [High Praise! to Basil] that there needs to be a Hippie Punching Day song parody of Weird Al’s Weasel Stomping Day.

Well ok. I think I can whip one up…
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Hippie Punching Day

Hippie faces here and there
What a wonderful time of year
Here we go! It’s Hippie Punching Day.

Crack your knuckles, now it’s on
Punch those hippies right off your lawn
‘Cause you know, it’s Hippie Punching Day.

Grab their bongo just in case
They try and use it to save their face
You’ll know that you’re doing it right
When your fist turns out their light.

So, come along and have a ball
Just make sure you punch them all
Make a fist and punch your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it’s Hippie Punching Day.

Hippies up and down the street
Faces waiting your fist to meet
Why we do it? ‘Cause we should
It’s really just for their own good.

So let the punching fun begin
Knock some common sense right in
Science! says that it’s the bestest way

Hey everyone it’s Hippie Punching…
We’ll do it right on Hippie Punching…
Knock out their lights on Hippie Punching Day

Here we go, it’s Hippie Punching Day!

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UPDATE: Well, it appears that Harvey did his own version of this back in June. Guess he beat Basil and I to it, but hey…more lyrics means more hippie punching time whilst singing this classic holiday tune.

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Nobel Participant Prize

Oslo, Norway (NPN) – The esteemed Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded for the year of 2012 to none other than the greatest proponent of peace on Earth, the entire European Union. Members of the EU assembly, a collective of self-serving and officious bureaucrats, rejoiced and celebrated with lots of self-aggrandizement and partying, which they generally only reserve for days that end with “day”.

Rumor is, the medal will be replaced with a doughnut.

According to EU assembly member Hans von Hans, this award has been a long time coming.

“Really, what better way to acknowledge the hard work and struggles of the bureaucratic class in their effort to tell people how to live their lives?” said the humble Hans. “There is no better way to promote peace than taking rich people’s money and spreading it around to everyone else so they can go on holiday most of the year.”

The Nobel committee revealed that it would be reevaluating its standards on other Nobel prizes, including those for physics, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine. They also announced a new prize: the Nobel for Participation. This prize is to be awarded to all humans on Earth who participate in being a human on Earth.

“This is long overdue, really.” said Pierre Manuel von van de la Klementine of the Nobel committee. “So many humans struggle to do great things and fail. This prize is really to acknowledge their accomplishments and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings that they didn’t get a Nobel Prize. Now everyone will get one!”

In an effort to make the Prize more fair, the Nobel committee has decided to award anyone who practices medicine, be it as a doctor or a person who put a Band-Aid on a cut, a Nobel Prize in medicine. And anyone who has demonstrated the principles of physics in a meaningful way will be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics, whether they have split an atom or cut some cheese. Chemistry will still be a difficult award to get.

“We had to draw the line somewhere.” said Klemintine. “Unless you have, at a minimum, mixed two liquids together, or at least put an ice cube into a liquid, you cannot be awarded the Nobel for Chemistry.”

The metric for earning a Nobel Prize in mathematics is still undecided.

“Most people don’t know how to do any kind of math, so we are still trying to find a way to make this award accessible to people.” said Klementine. “So far, the greatest consensus is to award it to anyone who can pick up two objects at one time.”

Other award categories seem to be in the works, such as the Nobel Prize for Television Watching, the Nobel Prize for Putting Your Pants On, and the Nobel Prize for Breathing.

It is rumored that the Nobel Prize for literature may be phased out, with the Nobel committee stating that writing is just too hard for some people, and making this a part of the Prize is just unfair to so many.

NPN ace reporter mikel (High Praise!) contributed to this story.

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Did Obama Really Win the Debate?

You know, after all of the hoopla lately about the debate last week and how Romney sucker-punched Obama, and won by like 7 touchdowns or something, there has been one point that has been overlooked, one question unasked: Does Obama actually believe he lost?

By the weeping and gnashing of teeth from the leftward media, and the look on Michelle’s face post-debate, as well as the excuse factory that has been churning out stinkers for a week, it is clear that everyone, even Joe Biden, believes Obama lost badly. But does Barry-O think he did?

You have to consider who we’re talking about here. He isn’t just a narcissist, but also a clueless idiot. I mean, he doesn’t even know how simple economics works. You know, lemonade stand economics that even kids can comprehend. It does not compute with him that, if the price of lemonade ingredients, whatever they are, goes up, that Jimmy will fire his little sister from the lemonade stand. Otherwise he can’t make a profit, and profit means some money for the ice cream truck later.

In his mind, he actually is “The One”; some kind of mythological savior of the world. I bet he even puts on his pants two legs at a time just so he can say he doesn’t put his pants on the same way as other people. You know, because he is “The One”, and is like a Greek god or something.

Sure, he’s playing along of course. If all of these people want to believe the lie that he lost, he’ll just go along with it and tell little jokes and stuff. But he is taking notes…he knows who is propagating the lies…and he will make them pay during his next term. Because of course, he is going to be reelected. The idea that he might not win this election hasn’t even occurred to him. And the fact that he may get to pick one or two more Supreme Court justices during his next term isn’t lost on him either. He may be able to find a way to get more terms as president.

Captain Clueless surely believes he actually won that debate, and has already won the election. This is all just a bunch of formality to him…a silly song and dance number he has to suffer through every four years. Surely there is no way the people, who clearly love him like a god, wouldn’t vote for him indefinitely.

I mean…he’s Barack Hussein Obama! Who is this Mitt character? Mitt…what kind of dumb name is that? Barack means blessed warhorse of the Prophet PBUH, or something. Mitt is like a piece of sports equipment. And he’s a rich white guy. That’s so last century! There’s no way that people would vote for a rich white guy now. They’re like the Nazis of the 21st century.

You know what happened in the debate? Obama spoke and people listened. That’s what. Mitt just blabbered. How could that be a win for him? It isn’t. People just want it to be a win for Mitt. It wasn’t even close really. Obama won just by showing up.

Stupid pundits. Obama has more important things to do than listen to your “who won what” mambo-jumbo. Like eighteen holes worth of important things to do.

Fore!

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(High Praise! to Zaklog the Great for pointing out that this question remained unanswered.)

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Breaking News: Professor Claims Obama Campaign ‘Misrepresented’ His Work

Harvard University (NPN) – Professor Martin Feldstein, an economist at Harvard, claims that President Obama and his campaign have misrepresented his study of Mitt Romney’s tax plan. The president has claimed that the tax plan does not work and is purposely designed to raise taxes on middle and low income earners, citing Professor Feldstein’s study.

The Obama Campaign’s corrected version of Professor Feldstein’s study on the Romney Tax Plan.

“This is completely reprehensible, what they have done.” said the wild-eyed Feldstein in a horrible German accent. “My study clearly showed that the Romney tax plan can in fact achieve debt neutrality while avoiding raising tax rates on the middle class, low class, and those with no class.”

With that, the professor then filled three giant chalk boards proving why, threw his chalk at this reporter and stalked out of the class room.

An Obama campaign spokesperson quickly responded to our inquest regarding Professor Feldstein’s claims.

“He’s clearly wrong about our mischaracterization of his study.” said Margaret Stump, a chief financial adviser of the campaign. “We read his report, which made little sense to begin with, and simply corrected his math, which didn’t work originally. I mean, who uses a bunch of symbols and letters instead of numbers when doing math? It was garbage.”

The professor also apparently did not account for the costs and penalties associated with Obamacare.

“I don’t know what Dr. Feldstein was thinking, removing Obamacare expenses like that.” said Stump. “The costs of that are going to be huge, and you can’t make conclusions about a tax policy without recognizing how much Obamacare will add to the tax burden and completely crush the middle class, while putting small companies out of business and taking away from the economic growth that Romney’s tax cuts are supposed to make appear out of thin air.”

Vice presidential candidate Joe Biden apparently caught wind of this story as it was developing and made some comments in a speech to members of the Chupacabra Hunters Union in Wisconsin.

“This nutty professor is going around saying he knows better how to do math than the President of the United States!” said an apoplectic Biden. “Yeah! He is saying that. I mean, you can’t become president or vice president without knowing a lot about math. So I have three words for you Professor: Go Learn Math! Oh wait, that was four words. Four words for you professor.”

The Romney campaign was unable to respond to these developments being indisposed by fits of raucous laughter.

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The War On Energy

I was reading stuff on the interwebs today, and found an article on The Daily Caller that talked about the “war on coal” by the EPA.

But, it is really energy in general that progressive types, like the EPA (because lets face it, only tree-hugging communists join the EPA), are at war with. Or, better put, they are at war with solutions. Because the left isn’t interested in solutions, per se. Or, not per se. Pretty much all se, they are against actual solutions to the issue of energy production with limited environmental impact. Otherwise, they would love nuclear power. But they hate nuclear power.

How do I know? Because that is what I do for a living…nuclear power. Using atoms to turn on your light bulb, because I care…about my paycheck. But also, because I think nuclear energy is pretty awesome. I mean, we split atoms and make energy from it. How cool is that? And we give off no emissions. Sure, there is waste, but that is what caverns under a mountain in the middle of nowhere are for. Oh wait, Harry Reid blocked that idea. Why?

Because he is at war with actual energy solutions.

The left doesn’t want a solution. They don’t actually want electric cars that are economical and viable. They don’t want cheap solar or wind energy. They want it as expensive as possible. The Volt costs a lot of money to buy, and isn’t a very good car. That is what they want. We cannot manufacture cheap solar panels, because science hasn’t quite caught up with those ambitions…to a leftist, that’s a good thing.

Why? Well that’s easy. Because, if the private sector solves these problems, then they can’t use those problems to try and control the private sector. It’s really as simple as that. As popular as environmentalism has become amongst the common populace, if it were really feasible to create energy without waste and whatnot, then everyone would be doing it, and saying they did it better than their competitors. Because that is how the free market works.

But, nuclear energy doesn’t give off any CO2, or any other pollutants. The waste is solid and can be contained. Compared to coal or even natural gas, nuclear energy seems perfect. And it is nuclear energy that proves the left’s lie. Because it is a solution to their supposed problem. I say “supposed” because it is the problem that the left uses to further their aims, not actual solutions.

That is how the left works: pose an “unsolvable” problem, and challenge the right to fix it. If the right has any solutions, simply point out any flaw, no matter how minor. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. If the right does not have a solution, claim that they don’t care. The old catch-22.

Science! could come up with a way, today, to turn unicorn farts into a perfect energy source, and the left would find fault with it. Because they don’t want a solution, they want a problem. Their theme is that government solves all problems. It is this theme by which they operate. If you solve problems, they lose their talking point. Which is why they don’t ever solve problems themselves, but simply perpetuate them.

Poverty? Keep the poor, poor. As long as they keep voting for you.

Social issues? Trump the causes of this or that group, but never commit to anything.

Environment? Spread the message of doom and gloom and propose government regulation as the answer…without giving any actual solutions.

Economy? Create more public sector jobs, even if you cannot hope to pay for them.

Deficit? What deficit?

Foreign policy? What embassies? We have embassies?

Failure? It’s Bush’s fault.

Angry post? Yes, this is an angry post. Feel my wrath.

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Maybe This Will Brighten Up Your Day

It seems that Obama is making plans to move already. From WND:

Very quietly, Obama’s chief financier, Penny Pritzker, has entered the Hawaii housing market to buy a retirement home for the president and his family that will be available not in 2016, but in January 2013, according to a confidential source within Pritzker’s Chicago organization…

…“The public polls are mostly political,” the source argued. “Obama radicals want Romney supporters to feel discouraged and give up. Truth is that Romney’s winning.”

So, a $35 Million estate in Hawaii, ready by January 2013. That sounds promising. The only thing a big estate like that needs is a good name…

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A Kind of Ironic Justice

So, a bunch of angry Pakistanis decided to have a protest against that “movie” some guy made that makes fun of Mohammed…because burning U.S. flags and effigies and beating things with sticks is how you make formal complaints to Youtube over there.

In a twist of fate, one of the protesters died from inhaling smoke from the burning of American flags:

One of the participants of the rally, Abdullah Ismail, passed away after he was taken to Mayo Hospital. Witnesses said he had complained of feeling unwell from the smoke from US flags burnt at the rally.

It’s probably wrong to find that funny, but I did anyway.

And it gave me an idea: purposely making flags for export use out of materials that are perfectly safe, unless you burn it, at which point it gives off a deadly toxic gas. We can put big warning labels on them, for safety: “Burning this flag may cause immediate death from inhalation of toxic vapors, or delayed death from American military.”

Not that we’d attack people for burning our flag, but people over there who like to do that and get all angry and violenty, tend to meet the business end of a drone or cruise missile sooner or later.

It’s just karma or somesuch.

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Radiation: The Cure

[Originally posted at Nuking Politics]

You know, there is just something about people in the Arab world that just doesn’t square right. I mean, they keep on taunting, like, the most powerful nation in the world ever…it just doesn’t make sense. What could they be missing?

Oh, I know…a healthy respect for the consequences of an unhealthy dose of radiation.

Take two of these, and call us in the morning…

See, they kind of remind me of a rather psychotic people about 70 years ago or so…the Japanese Empire. Back then, the Japanese didn’t make video games, and cool robots, and stupid cartoons. They made ridiculously effective war machines, and they coupled that with fanaticism, much like the Islamic fanaticism we see today out of Arab nutjobs.

They were a tough enemy to beat; far more dangerous than your average Al Qaeda member. But they shared that whole fanaticism thing, if not the inability to actually produce stuff thing. As in, Islamists are about as useless at making anything of value as a sloth with a left-handed hammer. They just can’t do much besides hate people and suck oil out of the ground.

So the Japanese Imperialists were more dangerous, because they weren’t only as moonbat crazy as Islamists are, they were also crazy good engineers, and extremely dedicated workers.

So you might wonder how we conquered such a nation? Simple: we nuked the noodles out of ’em. And in that process, we taught them about the consequential effects of radiation. Since then, they have turned their industrious nature towards more friendly (and profitable!) pursuits, such as making cool robots and video games and stuff. Lesson learned!

So, I think this lesson could possibly be applied to the Middle East. See, they have the whole fanaticism thing down pat, even if they can’t really be much of a threat above the annoyance level. I mean, in the geopolitical neighborhood, the Middle East and those terrorist fellows are like the stupid neighbor that won’t cut their grass.

So, it is time for the Homeowner’s Association to step in, headed of course by the United States. How do we get them to clean up their act? Simple…teach them about the dangers of radiation. By dropping several nuclear bombs on them. We don’t even need to drop them on cities or anything: we aren’t going for death tolls like they do. We just want to teach them to have a healthy respect for our power by giving them some examples of what these weapons, that they clearly don’t understand, can actually do. And more importantly, that, yes, America is willing to use them.

I mean, really…this is like the only thing we haven’t tried. At this point, there is really nothing left for us to do except start bombing the ever-living daylights out of them. They just won’t understand who they are messing with until we use the very weapons that made us the country you don’t mess with.

If it can work for an aggressive Japanese Empire, it can work for some bozos still living in the the 7th century.

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Cairo Embassy: We Can Read Arabic

So, the Muslim Brotherhood has a Twitter account. Who knew, right? And, to save face and all of that, they sent a ‘lil tweet at the Cairo Embassy (who also has a Twitter account, apparently) saying they were happy that nobody got hurt in Cairo. That was their English tweet anyway…

Muslim Brotherhood: @khairatAlshater: We r relieved none of @USEmbassyCairo staff were harmed & hope US-Eg relations will sustain turbulence of Tuesday’s events

U.S. Embassy Cairo: @Ikhwanweb Thanks. By the way, have you checked out your own Arabic feeds? I hope you know we read those too.

Apparently, the Arabic version of the Muslim Brotherhood Twitter account was praising the attacks.

Do these people actually think that nobody in the United States, much less diplomatic agents in Arabic-speaking countries, can read and understand Arabic?

Really?

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How to Schumer-proof Your House

[High Praise! to Stephen]

New York democratic senator Charles “Chucky will eat anything” Schumer was on the warpath recently, taking a page from the New York City mayor’s book on banning things, to push for a ban on laundry detergent “pods” that apparently look like candy to kids. Well, Schumer took it a bit further and claimed he thought they looked delicious, and saw one on a staffer’s desk and immediately wanted to eat it.

Mmmm…delicious…?

Aside from the fact that this might show some self-control issues on the part of Schumer (better hide your candy!), and the question of “what is a laundry detergent pod doing on a staffer’s desk?”, it does bring up a rather important topic: how to make your house safer for children, and especially for Chuck Schumer.

How to Schumer-proof Your House
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* Hide wallets and purses, coins, checkbooks, and anything else related to money. You know democrats…they just can’t resist other people’s money.

* Make sure there are no cups or glasses that can hold greater than 16 ounces, just in case Chuck has a hankering for a soda, and accidentally pours more than the law allows.

* No big popcorn bowls either.

* Ensure there are no poisonous plants that look edible in your home. Chuck just loves his greens.

* Use electrical outlet plug safety covers. Politicians love power, and Schumer just can’t help but stick his finger into an outlet if it is uncovered.

* Make sure you separate out the head and tail of a batch of ‘shine to prevent methanol poisoning.

* Oh wait, that is a step in “100-proofing your house”.

* If you can still get a hold of them, try to use only incandescent bulbs. The CFL ones look kind of like a McDonald’s ice cream cone, and Schumer can’t help but take a nice crunchy, toxic bite.

* Actually, Schumer thinks incandescent bulbs look tasty too. Go without lighting. Use torches.

* Remove shaving cream from the bathroom. Chuck likes his coffee Irish, with whipped cream…and he sometimes gets Cool Whip and Barbasol confused.

* Remove any copies, likenesses, references to, or books about the U.S. Constitution. They cause Chucky to burst into flames.
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Now, doesn’t your house feel safer already?

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You Just Have to Ask the Right Questions

A Time Magazine article is claiming that Romney won’t do well in debates with President Carter Obama. While the author’s premise is stupid and dumb, and stupid, it very well could be the case that Romney will do poorly in the debates. That is, if they are hosted by the mainstream media’s more “esteemed” personnel…as they generally are.

Not that such honest and objective journalists would ever conspire to ask certain questions in order to trip up Romney or force a gaffe or two, but if they did so, it could be pretty rough for Mitt.

Consider the following questions:
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* “Governor Romney, in your opinion would the economy do better if President Obama were to stay in office and continue his excellent policies, or would the economy do worse in a Romney administration?”

* “Would you consider your foreign policy experience less than the President’s, or is he simply more experienced than you are?”

* “Governor Romney, which do you like better: Nazis or the KKK?”

* “Could you explain, in detail, how exactly you became such a racist?”

* “Governor, in your opinion, what advantages can your powers to give people murder-cancer bring to the presidency?”

* “Which do you prefer: White people or White peoples?”

* “Governor, when exactly did you begin your war on women, and as a follow up question, how does your wife feel about your hating women?”

* “What is your preferred method for beating orphans?”

* “Governor Romney, do you hate the President because he is black, or because he is only half-white?”

* “Governor, when you laugh at poor people, is it more of a cackle, or a loud guffaw?”
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Whew! Those would really be some tough questions for Mitt. It’s a good thing the media would never try to set him up like that.

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Biggest Threat to National Security: Fat People

It seems that a clear and present danger to our national security has gone almost unnoticed, until now. The FLOTUS (which I assume stands for Fat Lady of the United States) has identified this horrible threat, obesity, calling it “absolutely the greatest threat to our national security”.

That’s right, fat people are the greatest threat facing this nation. Not terrorists. Not our enemies. Not explosive events in the Middle East or crazy governments trying to make nuclear weapons. Not cyber-espionage from Russia or China. Not crazypants North Korea.

Fat people.

Well, as FLOTUS, she ought to know.

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Our President Needs Help Communicating

We are facing a very difficult crisis in this country, which culminates in the ultimate outcome of the election in November. It is the possibility that our beloved president might be cast out of office prematurely by the forces of evil, greed, more evil, and woman-hating racist bigotry. And evil. And rich white people, who are evil. You might ask how this could be? The answer is that most Americans, something like 99%, all of whom love our dear leader, plan to stay home during the election.

I need some help. Please, it’s for the children…and my next memoir or two.

But how can this be?

It is simple…our dear leader did not communicate to us well enough. It’s our fault really, as The One cannot be expected to always speak in terms that us common people can really understand. When he starts saying things like numbers, and math, and words that end in -ly or aren’t contractions, we are easily confused, and we don’t know what to think. You see, as long as the welfare checks keep on coming, we think everything is OK. But it is not OK…our dear president can’t undo all of the evil greedy woman-hating racist bigotry that ensued during eight years of the Bush in a mere four years.

I mean, he still has to create a lot of jobs, because Bush sent most of them to China, since that is what evil greedy woman-hating racist bigots do: send jobs to China. Now, I don’t personally know anyone that actually likes jobs, but they are something that is needed here in America, because something..something.

Anyway, it is up to us to get the word out and to spread the president’s message, in simple speech that us regular folks can actually understand. To do this, we need to translate it. One thing that has to be done is to remove numbers and anything that sounds like math, because normal people don’t understand or even care about math…since it is some useless thing that annoying nerds came up with anyway. For instance, instead of telling people that the unemployment rate is “8.2%”, we should say “the unemployment rate is really little”.

Or, instead of admitting that the national deficit is “over sixteen-trillion dollars”, we should simply tell people that the national deficit is a made up thing with fake numbers, since nobody ever heard of “trillion”, because Republicans made it up.

Another thing we need to do is to parse down the explanations of why things aren’t all that great. Instead of explanations about deficits, and budgets, and spending, and economic climate or any of that nonsense, we should just be saying that it is basically Bush’s fault. Because that is what all of that fancy stuff actually means. I wish the president would just say that more, but he is a noble person and doesn’t like to blame others, even when it is warranted.

Finally, the message that Obama might be kicked out of office like this, pretty much in a coup since we did vote for him last time basically so he could be president for at least eight years, needs to be told to everyone. I think a lot of people just don’t know that Obama might not be their president anymore after next January. If they did, they would probably turn out to the polls in droves.

And more importantly, they need to know who he might be replaced with…a Republican. That’s bad enough, but this particular Republican is part of the 1%, and is greedy, rich, evil, a woman-hater, a racist, and a bigot. Like more than regular Republicans I mean. And I also heard somewhere that he is a nazi. And possibly a devil-worshiper, and a sorcerer that can give people cancer on a whim. Worst of all, there is even a possibility that he doesn’t pay his taxes. That is a pretty big claim, and it might not be true, but we should still warn people about it, just in case.

I think we’ve kind of let Obama down for not doing all of this earlier. We kind of voted him in, and then just went back to eating Cheetos, smoking pot, and playing video games like normal Americans like to do. Instead, we should have been there for him, helping him spread his message. Now it’s time we get out there, spread the word, maybe burn down a few Romney signs, fill a few vans with homeless and/or illegal immigrants and/or dead people to go rock the vote this election, like we did last time.

It’s for the children…

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Biden’s Challenge

During Biden’s trip through Ohio this weekend, Captain Happypants got a little defensive about some people not buying everything he’s telling them and issued a challenge to the media to fact check him.

Is that really necessary? I mean, nobody “fact checks” their crazy uncle, because nobody takes him seriously in the first place. But if Biden really wants to be fact cheked, we could probably get some school children to do it. They could easily point out how many letters are in words like “jobs” or what state Biden happens to be in.

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