Angry over the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States, dead voters in many Democrat strongholds across the country are demanding to be dug up and re-buried in Canada.
“I can’t possibly be expected to rest here in peace after this,” said Pearl E. Gates (1919 – 1998) of Shadyview Haven, Cook County, IL. “Not with such a vulgar misogynist in the White House! Why did I even bother to vote this year? Don’t just stand there, get me a shovel and a bus ticket to Winnipeg!”
Earl E. Graves (1926 – 1962) of Eternal Slumbers, Broward County, FL, added, “I have voted Democrat in every election since the day I died and I’ll be da… uh, dog-gonned if I’m going to be interred beneath some foul-mouthed punk billionaire with with a lousy comb-over for the next 4 years! Now, somebody dig me up and haul my bones to Ottawa!”
On a related note, when asked why dead voters all seem to vote exclusively for Democrats, renowned Psychologist Dr. Ernest Lee Frank replied, “It’s quite simple, really — their brains have ceased to function.”
Deputy Sheriff Rick Grimes could not be reached for comment on the recent wave of dead people on the move.
Yes, that’s right I’m going to ruin it all, right here and now by giving away the biggest secrets the new Star Wars movie has to offer (even though I haven’t seen it yet)!
*WARNING: Do not venture beyond the break if you don’t wish to have these secrets revealed to you!
Continue reading ‘STAR WARS SPOILERS*’ »
0bama comes from “Hawaii”… which explains why his usual greeting is “Aloha Akbar!”
Just thought IMAO readers should have a place to pay tribute to the late great Fred Thompson, the former Senator from Tennessee, Presidential candidate, actor, and friend of the blog who passed away Sunday at the age of 73. His great sense of humor and his deep love of this country and its traditional values will be sorely missed. Love and prayers to his family and friends. Godspeed, sir, and thank you for everything!
President Barack 0bama presided over the traditional Memorial Day services at Arlington National Cemetery earlier today, by thanking all of the Navy Corpsemen and other fallen members of our armed services present who had died protecting our nation from the scourge of Climate Change.
After solemnly laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Comic by mistake, the President delivered his Memorial Day Address to the assembled throng of military and media.
“Let me be clear,” the President said in his typical articulate, bright and clean manner, his trousers perfectly creased, “It is only because of the ultimate sacrifice of brave men and women like yourselves over the past four-hundred-some-odd years, who gave your lives raising awareness of ManBearPig across all fifty-seven states, that we have been able to keep the scourge of the pending Global Climate Catastrophe at bay. To those of you who have not been derelict in your duties, your efforts have been nothing short of… Error. Reset required. Press control-alt-delete to reboot system.”
With that, the ceremony was abruptly ended and the President whisked away to a luxurious private golf course for the remainder of the day after grabbing some ice cream.
President Obama just issued the following apology for the misunderstanding over his repeated statement that, “If you like your health care plan, you can keep it. Period.”
“Let me be clear. What I meant to say was, ‘If you like your health care plan, you can keep it. Asterisk.’ To be completely fair, I think you’ll all agree that ‘.’ and ‘*’ are pretty hard to differentiate on a TelePrompter. Thank you, good night, and God Da… er, uh, Bless America.”
BREAKING: According to sources at the White House steno pool, the now shelved plan was to have Ndamukong Suh throw an illegal chop block at Bashar al-Assad’s knees.
If that had fallen through, the backup plan apparently involved Clint Bowyer intentionally spinning himself out to deny Syria a spot in the Chase for the Sprint Cup.
More details as they become available…
Frank J. Fleming is a pseudonym. His real name? Phineas J. Whoopee.
What does the J stand for? Justice!
Despite being married for several years and producing two offspring, Frank has yet to see Sarah K. naked.
Many years ago, and to his great shame, he interned for Glenn Reynolds… as his personal Cuisinart operator!!!
His obsession with nuking the moon began the day he was inadvertently cut-off on the freeway by Buzz Aldrin.
He once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.
After years of extensive psychiatric treatment, he no longer believes himself to be the reincarnation of blood-thirsty Chinese Communist dictator Mao Tse Tung… but his alternate personalities, Basil, Harvey, and seanmahair, have yet to be purged of this same belief.
His fear of monkeys dates back to recurring childhood nightmares of Curious George mistaking his nose for a banana.
Only it wasn’t his nose!!!
His quest to breed dinosaurs with rocket launchers has reached a crucial stage in which he has successfully mated a salamander with a squirt gun.
He never really wanted to be a blogger. His lifelong dream?
Happy Birthday, Frank!
*IMAO Top 12 Lists are guaranteed to have 20% more content than other blogs’ Top 10 Lists!
12) Forgot to set the alarm clock.
11) Can’t find his Birth Certificate.
10) New 0bamaCare regulation stating that all babies must be born on the same day each year to save paperwork.
9) Stork made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
8) Sarah following through on threat not to let him out until he cleans up his womb.
7) Attempting to set the new world record for human gestation.
6) Refusing to come out until somebody does something about who the President is!
5) 3 words: Bacon Flavored Placenta.
4) Recently featured on an episode of Pimp My Womb, refusing to leave newly renovated digs.
3) Still negotiating for a larger room and more allowance.
2) Sarah was just stuffing a pillow under her shirt for the last 9 months, wanted to see how long it took Frank to figure it out.
1) Found out who his Father is. Can you blame him?
Aw, jeez! Looks like the angry leftards have themselves an official Boycott IMAO blog.
OH, NOES!!11!! NOT THAT!!11!! ELEVENTY!!11!!
As you all know by now, the left has been having a frothing-at-the-mouth fit over IMAO since it was named Funniest Right-Wing Blog at CPAC a couple weeks ago, defaming it as a bastion of hatred and racism as they do with all things they wish to denigrate and destroy.
As with all things they get their panties in a wad about, they have taken it much too far, forcing us to comment on things we had previously sought to ignore.
Well, this one takes the cake! It seems singer Sheryl Crow, curious to know more about the blog that had become the latest subject of the official “Two-Minutes-of-Hate” on the Sinestrosphere, got all upset over the image of Sarah K. holding a gun in one of the t-shirt ad pictures that cycles in the right-hand margin.
Lo-and-behold, along comes a new music video that has become the talk of MSNBC and the left-wing blogs, directed by none-other than Michael Moore and featuring Crow and Tony Bennett singing about the evils of guns and demanding an end to “Blogs that shoot their hate right at your face”, it even boasts cameos from Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, George Clooney, NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Sen. Dianne Feinstein and others. Unbelieveable!
I tried to embed the video, but of course the site wouldn’t allow embeds, so you’ll have to click on the link to see it.