President Obama just issued the following apology for the misunderstanding over his repeated statement that, “If you like your health care plan, you can keep it. Period.”
“Let me be clear. What I meant to say was, ‘If you like your health care plan, you can keep it. Asterisk.’ To be completely fair, I think you’ll all agree that ‘.’ and ‘*’ are pretty hard to differentiate on a TelePrompter. Thank you, good night, and God Da… er, uh, Bless America.”
BREAKING: According to sources at the White House steno pool, the now shelved plan was to have Ndamukong Suh throw an illegal chop block at Bashar al-Assad’s knees.
If that had fallen through, the backup plan apparently involved Clint Bowyer intentionally spinning himself out to deny Syria a spot in the Chase for the Sprint Cup.
More details as they become available…
Frank J. Fleming is a pseudonym. His real name? Phineas J. Whoopee.
What does the J stand for? Justice!
Despite being married for several years and producing two offspring, Frank has yet to see Sarah K. naked.
Many years ago, and to his great shame, he interned for Glenn Reynolds… as his personal Cuisinart operator!!!
His obsession with nuking the moon began the day he was inadvertently cut-off on the freeway by Buzz Aldrin.
He once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.
After years of extensive psychiatric treatment, he no longer believes himself to be the reincarnation of blood-thirsty Chinese Communist dictator Mao Tse Tung… but his alternate personalities, Basil, Harvey, and seanmahair, have yet to be purged of this same belief.
His fear of monkeys dates back to recurring childhood nightmares of Curious George mistaking his nose for a banana.
Only it wasn’t his nose!!!
His quest to breed dinosaurs with rocket launchers has reached a crucial stage in which he has successfully mated a salamander with a squirt gun.
He never really wanted to be a blogger. His lifelong dream?
Happy Birthday, Frank!
*IMAO Top 12 Lists are guaranteed to have 20% more content than other blogs’ Top 10 Lists!
12) Forgot to set the alarm clock.
11) Can’t find his Birth Certificate.
10) New 0bamaCare regulation stating that all babies must be born on the same day each year to save paperwork.
9) Stork made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
8) Sarah following through on threat not to let him out until he cleans up his womb.
7) Attempting to set the new world record for human gestation.
6) Refusing to come out until somebody does something about who the President is!
5) 3 words: Bacon Flavored Placenta.
4) Recently featured on an episode of Pimp My Womb, refusing to leave newly renovated digs.
3) Still negotiating for a larger room and more allowance.
2) Sarah was just stuffing a pillow under her shirt for the last 9 months, wanted to see how long it took Frank to figure it out.
1) Found out who his Father is. Can you blame him?
As you all know by now, the left has been having a frothing-at-the-mouth fit over IMAO since it was named Funniest Right-Wing Blog at CPAC a couple weeks ago, defaming it as a bastion of hatred and racism as they do with all things they wish to denigrate and destroy.
As with all things they get their panties in a wad about, they have taken it much too far, forcing us to comment on things we had previously sought to ignore.
Well, this one takes the cake! It seems singer Sheryl Crow, curious to know more about the blog that had become the latest subject of the official “Two-Minutes-of-Hate” on the Sinestrosphere, got all upset over the image of Sarah K. holding a gun in one of the t-shirt ad pictures that cycles in the right-hand margin.
Lo-and-behold, along comes a new music video that has become the talk of MSNBC and the left-wing blogs, directed by none-other than Michael Moore and featuring Crow and Tony Bennett singing about the evils of guns and demanding an end to “Blogs that shoot their hate right at your face”, it even boasts cameos from Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, George Clooney, NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Sen. Dianne Feinstein and others. Unbelieveable!
I tried to embed the video, but of course the site wouldn’t allow embeds, so you’ll have to click on the link to see it.
Last known associates include a man-eating beast and a heartless ax-wielding maniac. May be armed with a bucket of water…
[h/t Ace of Spades HQ]
After I finished laughing at this, it got me thinking. What other famous movie plots could be twisted into something so absurdly different by a short and true, yet highly distorted, plot synopsis? The possibilities seem endless!
Have at it in the comments. I can’t wait to see what you Moon-Nukers come up with!
It’s over. So is America. Goodnight.
The Gaffe-Joe-Matic gifts us once again…
God, love him! I’m going to miss this guy!
We rejoin our story a number of years later, where we find a triumphant Dr. Charles Lawrence Xavier, VI, attending a victory celebration for the newly elected President…
A beaming Charles wheeled his chair onto the stage behind the newly elected Vice President, who had just taken to the podium to address the adoring crowd.
“I’m not so sure it was wise to make that BIDEN thing you created the Vice President,” a concerned David Axelrod, Presidential Campaign Advisor, whispered into his ear as BIDEN began speaking to the assembled multitude.
“Yes, well, we had to insure no one would be tempted to harm the President,” replied Charles. He then began to chuckle as he added, “and who in their right mind would ever risk doing so when it would put that thing in charge of the country?”
Axelrod laughed, “Yes, yes, I see your point, Charles! Touché!”
The BIDEN android [Blithering Idiot Disseminating Endless Nonsense] had been created several years earlier after a freak plagiarism accident had maimed a once promising young Senator from Delaware. In a miracle of bio-engineering, Charles and a couple of solid B+ students from the DeVry Institute of Technology had managed to save his head and attach it to a small, floating, android-like body cobbled together using parts from a ’74 Gremlin and a Cuisinart. Unfortunately, the massive brain damage that had occurred during the Senator’s birth many years earlier in Scranton, Pennsylvania, proved to be irreversible.
“…And where would we be today without this guy?” BIDEN uttered, turning to look in Charles’ direction and pointing at him from the podium as he continued his victory speech. I just want to take a moment to say, thanks for all you’ve done for the cause, Chuck!”
‘Chuck?’ thought a horrified Charles, ‘Did he just call me… Chuck???’ He looked BIDEN directly in the eyes and began frantically waving his hands and shaking his head ‘No!’ from his wheelchair.
BIDEN, however, continued unabated, “Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya! Oh, God love ya, what am I talking about? I’ll tell you what, you’re making everybody else stand up though, pal. I’ll tell ya what, stand up for Chuck!”
Charles faked a smile and nodded to the crowd, waving his hands politely, all the while wondering if making BIDEN the V.P. was a truly dreadful mistake after all.
Suddenly, an older gentleman climbed onto the stage unexpectedly from out of the crowd. As the Secret Service rushed in to surround him, BIDEN thought that he may actually recognize the man.
“Say, aren’t you Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee?” Inquired BIDEN.
“Yes, yes I am!…,” Replied the older gentleman.
“Hey, look, everybody,” hollered an excited BIDEN to the crowd, “Stan Lee is making his customary cameo appearance!”
The crowd cheered for Stan Lee.
“No, no, no!” Protested an obviously distraught Mr. Lee, “I’m here to put a stop to this outrage! I can’t just sit by and watch you people make such a mess of my life’s work. Quite frankly, it makes me want to vomit!”
Just then, several more burly Secret Service Agents descended on Stan Lee and quickly began dragging him off the stage.
“Aw, God love ya, Stan!” Interjected BIDEN, “Maybe we can vomit for you. Alright, everybody, I’ll tell ya what, upchuck for Stan!”
NEXT: The new President has arrived!
Somewhere in a secret bunker beneath Washington, D.C., not all that long ago…
“Gentlemen… and ladies… welcome to the future of America!” Dr. Charles Lawrence Xavier, VI, greeted the assembled group of mysterious and powerful benefactors gathered in the ultimate hidden bunker boardroom far below the unsuspecting streets of the most important city in the world.
“Today we begin a journey that will bring about the kind of change we have long sought, but which has, thus far, eluded our grasp,” the wheelchair-bound genius continued.
“We’ve heard this same crap before!” Yelled out one of the many hooded figures at the large wooden table, “Why should we believe you?”
“Why, indeed?” A smirking Charles responded. “Because, this time, the people will do whatever it is we say. After all, we’re the smartest, most qualified people in all the world!”
“Says who?” The skeptic shouted back.
“Says everyone!” Charles told him, as the exchange continued back and forth…
“Oh, really? Why exactly would they say that?”
“Because, my friend, they truly believe it to be so.”
“And why, pray tell, is that?”
“Because they have heard everyone else tell them that for as long as they can remember… which, luckily for us, is a relatively short period of time.”
“Why would everyone be saying such things?”
“Because of all the awards and accolades we have won! Only geniuses win such awards from their peers.”
“Ourselves! We simply begin forming new groups whose purpose it is to hand out honors to the smartest people in the world! A great many of them! Of course, all of these groups will be controlled by us, and we will decide who get the awards, which of course will be ourselves and others like us, who will in turn award us with more accolades. Soon, we will also take over all of the other traditional groups which hand out such honors, and likewise influence them! Before too long, it all becomes one giant circle-jerk of awards and honors and titles being passed out amongst ourselves.”
“And what does all this accomplish?”
“Isn’t it obvious? The whole world, or at least most of it, will be convinced that we are the most intelligent people among them. The very best and brightest the world has to offer.”
“And no one will question this?”
“Who would dare? All of the people will know who the smartest people are, it will be obvious. They are the ones with all of the fancy awards and honors and titles. Anyone who questions that will, as a rule, be unintelligent.”
“Who says so?”
“We do! As a result, so does most everyone else. All of the smartest people say all of the people who disagree with them are morons. Whom are you going to agree with? The smartest people, which makes you smart, too… or the morons, which tells everyone how very, very stupid you must be?”
“Hmmm. I think I like where this is going! So, I’m a genius, huh?”
“If I say so. After all, I’m a genius, so if I say you’re a genius, I must know what I’m talking about, right?”
“Of course it is! But why stop there? We’re not only smart while they’re stupid… we’re good while they’re evil! Hell, if we want to, we can convince most everybody that we’re heroes and they’re villains! We could even eventually be perceived as something… super-human! Only a fool would doubt it! After all, we’ve decided that the very definition of a fool is someone who disagrees with us! Think about that! Who could dare to disagree? Soon, everyone will be clamoring to follow us, begging us to take power, to save them from the things they fear, to lead them to a better, brighter future!”
“So,” interrupted yet another board member, “it will be that easy, will it?”
“Well, only if we can take control of all of the means of spreading the message. We need all of our minions and the useful idiots who believe in our vision of the world to take over the media, the schools, and the arts. So we start encouraging them to pursue these careers as a means of changing the world! Who could resist? Once we have a majority of control, we start purging anyone in those fields who doesn’t agree with us from their ranks!”
“We also need to get absolute control of one of the two major political parties in every country,” Charles continued, “of course, we have already made quite a great deal of progress on that front. America, with its rather annoying tendency toward individualism, will be a little more difficult nut to crack than the rest of the West, but with time, it too will fall under our spell. Then come the courts. After all, we need to make certain that they will uphold all of the unconstitutional crap we pass into law despite all of the quite obvious violations of the constitution!”
Laughter shook the room.
“I’m impressed, Charles,” proclaimed Mr. S. “This may prove to be the most devious scheme in the history of mankind! Let us get to work!”
NEXT: Years later…
Sometime in the not too distant past…
“It was a dark and stormy night,” typed a small white beagle perched atop a doghouse with an impossibly large slanted roof as a mysterious man in a sleek, futuristic-looking wheelchair ambled by him unnoticed, his rather egg-shaped bald head gleaming brightly in the morning sunlight.
Dr. Charles Lawrence Xavier, VI, a prominent Georgetown University Law Professor and a member of an elite Washington think-tank, was out for his morning “roll” through a section of Georgetown heavily populated by an odd mixture of comic-page characters and young college students.
“Good morning, Charles!” Shouted a sweet-looking little man with a huge head and a grin to match, waving politely as he retrieved the morning paper from his front porch, his little white dog wagging its tail in approval.
“Good morning, Ziggy!” Charles hollered back in mock-plesantry, then muttered under his breath, “Riff-raff!”
Dr. Xavier rambled on until he came to a construction site in Foggy Bottom. After carefully wheeling himself into position in the shadows behind the construction barriers, well out of the public eye, he pushed a series of buttons on the fancy control panel hidden in the armrest of his mobile chair. Slowly, quietly, he and his chair sank beneath the noisy city streets to the secret lair below.
“Ah! At last, Charles! We’ve been waiting for you!” A hooded figure proclaimed as Charles drove himself into view. “The members of the board are waiting, and some of them are growing quite restless!”
“Relax, my old friend,” Replied a smirking Charles, confidently, “I shall soon put all of their fears — and yours — to rest.”
“You’d better! We have an awful lot of time, money and resources tied up in this plan of yours,” the hooded man shot back, “and failure is not an option!”
“Relax, Mr. S, I assure you it will work.” Charles said as a sly chuckle escaped from him.
At the end of a long corridor, a pair of sliding doors opened at the approach of the two men, and they proceeded inside to the well-lit bunker boardroom, where numerous robed and hooded men and women were seated around a huge, fancy wooden table, chattering amongst themselves. The mysterious Mr. S took his seat near the head of the table in a heavily ornate chair. Charles, meanwhile, wheeled himself into position at the very front of the room. A hush came over those gathered and all eyes focused on the man they had entrusted with their considerable combined power and wealth in the hope of finally achieving their dream of altering America… and the rest of the world… forever!
NEXT: A plot is revealed!
Ever wonder what I meant by ‘teaser trailer’? Did you think I’d forgotten about it? No such luck!
ALL WILL BE REVEALED: 9/10/12!
As a public service, IMAO now presents, for those who may have missed it, the Democratic National Convention Keynote Address, as delivered by Obama Administration Spokeswoman, Julia…
“My fellow Democrats, distinguished delegates, and kindred spirits everywhere, good evening!”
The time has come to announce the winners of the IMAO Disaster Contest.
HIGH PRAISE! to all who participated. Bacon may now be served in the comments section!
HIGH PRAISE! to Carl:
Look! It’s the Michelin Man! We’re saved! Wait a minute… That’s not the Michelin Man!!!
HIGH PRAISE! to CapitalistB
The world’s biggest rest stop?
HIGH PRAISE! to stuff [aka “The Animal”]:
That ain’t no Lincoln Tunnel ahead!
And the winner…
Must have been right after driving through the tornado in the original!