It’s over. So is America. Goodnight.
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It’s over. So is America. Goodnight.
The Gaffe-Joe-Matic gifts us once again…
God, love him! I’m going to miss this guy!
We rejoin our story a number of years later, where we find a triumphant Dr. Charles Lawrence Xavier, VI, attending a victory celebration for the newly elected President…
A beaming Charles wheeled his chair onto the stage behind the newly elected Vice President, who had just taken to the podium to address the adoring crowd.
“I’m not so sure it was wise to make that BIDEN thing you created the Vice President,” a concerned David Axelrod, Presidential Campaign Advisor, whispered into his ear as BIDEN began speaking to the assembled multitude.
“Yes, well, we had to insure no one would be tempted to harm the President,” replied Charles. He then began to chuckle as he added, “and who in their right mind would ever risk doing so when it would put that thing in charge of the country?”
Axelrod laughed, “Yes, yes, I see your point, Charles! Touché!”
The BIDEN android [Blithering Idiot Disseminating Endless Nonsense] had been created several years earlier after a freak plagiarism accident had maimed a once promising young Senator from Delaware. In a miracle of bio-engineering, Charles and a couple of solid B+ students from the DeVry Institute of Technology had managed to save his head and attach it to a small, floating, android-like body cobbled together using parts from a ’74 Gremlin and a Cuisinart. Unfortunately, the massive brain damage that had occurred during the Senator’s birth many years earlier in Scranton, Pennsylvania, proved to be irreversible.
“…And where would we be today without this guy?” BIDEN uttered, turning to look in Charles’ direction and pointing at him from the podium as he continued his victory speech. I just want to take a moment to say, thanks for all you’ve done for the cause, Chuck!”
‘Chuck?’ thought a horrified Charles, ‘Did he just call me… Chuck???’ He looked BIDEN directly in the eyes and began frantically waving his hands and shaking his head ‘No!’ from his wheelchair.
BIDEN, however, continued unabated, “Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya! Oh, God love ya, what am I talking about? I’ll tell you what, you’re making everybody else stand up though, pal. I’ll tell ya what, stand up for Chuck!”
Charles faked a smile and nodded to the crowd, waving his hands politely, all the while wondering if making BIDEN the V.P. was a truly dreadful mistake after all.
Suddenly, an older gentleman climbed onto the stage unexpectedly from out of the crowd. As the Secret Service rushed in to surround him, BIDEN thought that he may actually recognize the man.
“Say, aren’t you Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee?” Inquired BIDEN.
“Yes, yes I am!…,” Replied the older gentleman.
“Hey, look, everybody,” hollered an excited BIDEN to the crowd, “Stan Lee is making his customary cameo appearance!”
The crowd cheered for Stan Lee.
“No, no, no!” Protested an obviously distraught Mr. Lee, “I’m here to put a stop to this outrage! I can’t just sit by and watch you people make such a mess of my life’s work. Quite frankly, it makes me want to vomit!”
Just then, several more burly Secret Service Agents descended on Stan Lee and quickly began dragging him off the stage.
“Aw, God love ya, Stan!” Interjected BIDEN, “Maybe we can vomit for you. Alright, everybody, I’ll tell ya what, upchuck for Stan!”
NEXT: The new President has arrived!
Somewhere in a secret bunker beneath Washington, D.C., not all that long ago…
“Gentlemen… and ladies… welcome to the future of America!” Dr. Charles Lawrence Xavier, VI, greeted the assembled group of mysterious and powerful benefactors gathered in the ultimate hidden bunker boardroom far below the unsuspecting streets of the most important city in the world.
“Today we begin a journey that will bring about the kind of change we have long sought, but which has, thus far, eluded our grasp,” the wheelchair-bound genius continued.
“We’ve heard this same crap before!” Yelled out one of the many hooded figures at the large wooden table, “Why should we believe you?”
“Why, indeed?” A smirking Charles responded. “Because, this time, the people will do whatever it is we say. After all, we’re the smartest, most qualified people in all the world!”
“Says who?” The skeptic shouted back.
“Says everyone!” Charles told him, as the exchange continued back and forth…
“Oh, really? Why exactly would they say that?”
“Because, my friend, they truly believe it to be so.”
“And why, pray tell, is that?”
“Because they have heard everyone else tell them that for as long as they can remember… which, luckily for us, is a relatively short period of time.”
“Why would everyone be saying such things?”
“Because of all the awards and accolades we have won! Only geniuses win such awards from their peers.”
“Ourselves! We simply begin forming new groups whose purpose it is to hand out honors to the smartest people in the world! A great many of them! Of course, all of these groups will be controlled by us, and we will decide who get the awards, which of course will be ourselves and others like us, who will in turn award us with more accolades. Soon, we will also take over all of the other traditional groups which hand out such honors, and likewise influence them! Before too long, it all becomes one giant circle-jerk of awards and honors and titles being passed out amongst ourselves.”
“And what does all this accomplish?”
“Isn’t it obvious? The whole world, or at least most of it, will be convinced that we are the most intelligent people among them. The very best and brightest the world has to offer.”
“And no one will question this?”
“Who would dare? All of the people will know who the smartest people are, it will be obvious. They are the ones with all of the fancy awards and honors and titles. Anyone who questions that will, as a rule, be unintelligent.”
“Who says so?”
“We do! As a result, so does most everyone else. All of the smartest people say all of the people who disagree with them are morons. Whom are you going to agree with? The smartest people, which makes you smart, too… or the morons, which tells everyone how very, very stupid you must be?”
“Hmmm. I think I like where this is going! So, I’m a genius, huh?”
“If I say so. After all, I’m a genius, so if I say you’re a genius, I must know what I’m talking about, right?”
“Of course it is! But why stop there? We’re not only smart while they’re stupid… we’re good while they’re evil! Hell, if we want to, we can convince most everybody that we’re heroes and they’re villains! We could even eventually be perceived as something… super-human! Only a fool would doubt it! After all, we’ve decided that the very definition of a fool is someone who disagrees with us! Think about that! Who could dare to disagree? Soon, everyone will be clamoring to follow us, begging us to take power, to save them from the things they fear, to lead them to a better, brighter future!”
“So,” interrupted yet another board member, “it will be that easy, will it?”
“Well, only if we can take control of all of the means of spreading the message. We need all of our minions and the useful idiots who believe in our vision of the world to take over the media, the schools, and the arts. So we start encouraging them to pursue these careers as a means of changing the world! Who could resist? Once we have a majority of control, we start purging anyone in those fields who doesn’t agree with us from their ranks!”
“We also need to get absolute control of one of the two major political parties in every country,” Charles continued, “of course, we have already made quite a great deal of progress on that front. America, with its rather annoying tendency toward individualism, will be a little more difficult nut to crack than the rest of the West, but with time, it too will fall under our spell. Then come the courts. After all, we need to make certain that they will uphold all of the unconstitutional crap we pass into law despite all of the quite obvious violations of the constitution!”
Laughter shook the room.
“I’m impressed, Charles,” proclaimed Mr. S. “This may prove to be the most devious scheme in the history of mankind! Let us get to work!”
NEXT: Years later…
Sometime in the not too distant past…
“It was a dark and stormy night,” typed a small white beagle perched atop a doghouse with an impossibly large slanted roof as a mysterious man in a sleek, futuristic-looking wheelchair ambled by him unnoticed, his rather egg-shaped bald head gleaming brightly in the morning sunlight.
Dr. Charles Lawrence Xavier, VI, a prominent Georgetown University Law Professor and a member of an elite Washington think-tank, was out for his morning “roll” through a section of Georgetown heavily populated by an odd mixture of comic-page characters and young college students.
“Good morning, Charles!” Shouted a sweet-looking little man with a huge head and a grin to match, waving politely as he retrieved the morning paper from his front porch, his little white dog wagging its tail in approval.
“Good morning, Ziggy!” Charles hollered back in mock-plesantry, then muttered under his breath, “Riff-raff!”
Dr. Xavier rambled on until he came to a construction site in Foggy Bottom. After carefully wheeling himself into position in the shadows behind the construction barriers, well out of the public eye, he pushed a series of buttons on the fancy control panel hidden in the armrest of his mobile chair. Slowly, quietly, he and his chair sank beneath the noisy city streets to the secret lair below.
“Ah! At last, Charles! We’ve been waiting for you!” A hooded figure proclaimed as Charles drove himself into view. “The members of the board are waiting, and some of them are growing quite restless!”
“Relax, my old friend,” Replied a smirking Charles, confidently, “I shall soon put all of their fears — and yours — to rest.”
“You’d better! We have an awful lot of time, money and resources tied up in this plan of yours,” the hooded man shot back, “and failure is not an option!”
“Relax, Mr. S, I assure you it will work.” Charles said as a sly chuckle escaped from him.
At the end of a long corridor, a pair of sliding doors opened at the approach of the two men, and they proceeded inside to the well-lit bunker boardroom, where numerous robed and hooded men and women were seated around a huge, fancy wooden table, chattering amongst themselves. The mysterious Mr. S took his seat near the head of the table in a heavily ornate chair. Charles, meanwhile, wheeled himself into position at the very front of the room. A hush came over those gathered and all eyes focused on the man they had entrusted with their considerable combined power and wealth in the hope of finally achieving their dream of altering America… and the rest of the world… forever!
NEXT: A plot is revealed!
Ever wonder what I meant by ‘teaser trailer’? Did you think I’d forgotten about it? No such luck!
ALL WILL BE REVEALED: 9/10/12!
As a public service, IMAO now presents, for those who may have missed it, the Democratic National Convention Keynote Address, as delivered by Obama Administration Spokeswoman, Julia…
“My fellow Democrats, distinguished delegates, and kindred spirits everywhere, good evening!”
The time has come to announce the winners of the IMAO Disaster Contest.
HIGH PRAISE! to all who participated. Bacon may now be served in the comments section!
HIGH PRAISE! to Carl:
Look! It’s the Michelin Man! We’re saved! Wait a minute… That’s not the Michelin Man!!!
HIGH PRAISE! to CapitalistB
The world’s biggest rest stop?
HIGH PRAISE! to stuff [aka “The Animal”]:
That ain’t no Lincoln Tunnel ahead!
And the winner…
Must have been right after driving through the tornado in the original!
What awaits us on the Road to Ruin? It’s all up to you!
[Details at the link above.]
Results will be posted sometime on Monday afternoon. “HIGH PRAISE!” will be given. Bacon ~ ~ ~ will be served!
Are you man enough to enter? Or are you just some sort of Obama-voting sissy in Momjeans waiting for some free birth control and a flying unicorn?
Man up* and give it a try!
*PLEASE NOTE: Entries from women are welcome, too, but you need to pinky-swear that you’ve at least tried to pee standing up once just to see what it was like!
UPDATE 9/3/12 2:15PM CDT
Last week, I posted a photoshop I had made of a highway. You might have seen it…
It took a lot of work to create that. More than you want to know. Now I am challenging you to do as good… or better!
Lucky for you, I did the hard part already, and I’m sharing the template below.
Your task, replace the tornado with another apt disaster that looms ahead if we “KEEP LEFT” and keep going “Forward” instead of taking that last exit.
I already know some of the other ideas I had before deciding to go with the tornado, and I suspect some of you will come up with those. I’m also hoping to see some ideas I never even thought of.
As always, the winners get their work posted here and receive “HIGH PRAISE!”
If you’d like, you can post your entries on your own sites, I just ask that you link this post if you do.
The following instructions are cryptic to keep the spambots confused. If you cannot decipher the instructions, I do not want to receive your entry anyway!
Send your entries to me, Mr. Right, via the letter after “d” mail using this address with all of the stupid colons removed, no spaces or brackets, and the proper punctuation added…
write:the:right:place [a-in-a-circle-thingy] [the letter before h:mail] [period-thingy] [c:o:m]
I trust you can decode that okay? Good!
Please submit final versions as gif files, if at all possible, and try to keep the size at 960 x 720, just as the template is now. You can play with the highway signs and the foreground if you really want to, but you better come up with something good if you do!
Now, here’s the template I promised…
We’ll let the contest run until sometime on Labor Day afternoon before posting the worthy entries, and then the rest of the Moon-Nukers can decide whose is the most bacon-worthy. Let the apocalypse commence!
UPDATE 9/3/12 2:15PM CDT
The now former Yahoo! News Reporter David Chalian was fired after being caught saying about the Republicans, over an open mic, “They are happy to have a party with black people drowning.”
I can rectify that statement for you, David, with a great deal of ease… and it would have been true… and nothing that would have gotten you fired!
Are you ready, David?
Next time, just leave off the word “drowning.”
From Top, Left to Right:
Condoleezza Rice: Former Secretary of State
Tim Scott: South Carolina Congressman
Mia Love: Saratoga Springs, Utah Mayor and Utah Congressional Candidate
Artur Davis: Former Alabama Congressman
Angela McGlowan: 2010 Mississippi Congressional Candidate
Star Parker: 2010 California Congressional Candidate
Herman Cain: Former Presidential Candidate (2012)
Ken Blackwell: Former Ohio Secretary of State and 2006 Ohio Gubernatorial Candidate
Michael Steele: Former RNC Chairman, Former Maryland Lt. Governor and 2006 Maryland Senate Candidate
Jennifer Carroll: Florida Lt. Governor
Randy Daniels: Former New York Secretary of State and 2006 New York Gubernatorial Candidate
Gary Franks: Former Connecticut Congressman
Allen West: Florida Congressman
J.C. Watts: Former Oklahoma Congressman
Lynn Swann: 2006 Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Candidate
Daniel Bongino: Maryland Senate Candidate
Michel Faulkner: 2010 New York Congressional Candidate
Peter Boulware: 2008 Florida State House Candidate
Ryan Frazier: 2010 Colorado Congressional Candidate
Keith Butler: 2006 Michigan Senate Candidate
The other day, Frank published a post entitled “Where Are They Now?” In it, he lists most of his IMAO co-bloggers as “Dead.” Everyone just assumes that he was joking, but I think not! Let’s consider the evidence, shall we?
For starters, everyone knows that the real Harvey is left-handed, yet every single issue of LOLTERIZT! or LOLBAMA! ever posted has clearly been created by a right-handed typist!
On the front cover of Frank’s last book, “Obama – The Greatest President in the History of Everything,” a shadowy figure is seen waving. Many people assume, incorrectly, that this figure is supposed to represent President Awes0me. A much closer examination reveals that the figure is actually a very dimly lit image of Harvey, waving us all goodbye as he leaves this world behind and departs for the afterlife.
On the cover of of the classic IMAO album “Blabby Toad,” Frank is barefoot and out of step with the co-bloggers, all of whom are dressed in white gowns and looking very pale. The license plate on the bus parked at the side of the road reads, 7GO2HVN.
On the front cover of another classic IMAO album, “Lt. Peeper’s Homely Spleen Club Orchestra,” there are numerous clues, including a slightly charred toy bus in the lap of the doll at the bottom left, the one wearing the t-shirt reading “I killed them all.” The bass drum clearly reads “Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated.” When viewed in the angled mirror on the ground next to it, however, it says, “All the co-bloggers are dead, dead, dead and I killed them.” On the back cover, Frank is turned away from the camera in shame, suggesting he can’t face the responsibility he feels in the deaths of his IMAO co-bloggers, all of whom are lying in open coffins with pennies on their eyes.
Perhaps the most damning evidence of all comes from playing numerous key segments of the old, re-issued IMAO podcasts backwards, where one can discover many hints as to the co-bloggers fates. A small sample of the phrases that can be heard (along with the voice of Fred Thompson ordering you, repeatedly, to sell your soul to Dick Cheney through some sort of reverse soul mortgage process) include, “I buried Space Monkey in cranberry sauce.”; “Aquaman sleeps with the fishes.”; “The Walrus wasn’t Harvey.”; “Turn me Happy, dead Cadet.”; “Lawrence is dead, man, but I don’t really miss him – go figure.”; “Duck blew his mind out on a bus”; “Decide to smoke marijuana.” (Though I’m not really sure quite how that last one fits in.); and “Bury my Basil.”
Putting all of this evidence together, I can come to but one conclusion: All of the IMAO co-bloggers, excepting Frank J, Sarah K and myself, are dead. They all died together tragically in a fiery bus crash several years ago, an event for which Frank still blames himself… which he should, because he was driving the bus when he swerved wildly in an attempt to avoid some monkeys in the middle of the road, lost control and sent them all careening over a cliff! Though Frank managed to jump to safety, and Sarah and I were not on board, the others weren’t so lucky.
There are those of you who have long suspected that Frank has been posting as other people, most especially Harvey and Basil, consider this confirmation of your well-founded suspicions. It’s Frank’s way of coping with the guilt and shame he feels about their untimely deaths and his way of helping their memories live on. The details of this tragic incident also clearly explain why he hates monkeys so vehemently.
Frank is clearly still quite sensitive about this subject, so be gentle, dear readers, be gentle… but feel free to let loose with any more evidence of this conspiracy you may have uncovered over the years in the comments! The memories of those who were lost demand that the truth finally be spoken!
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