How old is he? I don’t know. I haven’t seen his birth certificate. So, I can’t say with certitude that he’s, say, 32 years old or something.

I think today is Saturday — either it’s Saturday or I’m going to be way late for work — and that means that Frank will probably not be blogging today.

If he was, he’d remind you that back in 2003, he declared his birthday as National Gun Safety Day.

And because it’s National Gun Safety Day, you should be safe with guns. If you don’t, you’ll make Frank J. sad. And a sad Frank J. means a sad Buttercup. And it would be your fault. Why do people who are unsafe with guns hate babies?

Anyway, what did you get Frank J. for his birthday?

IMAO regular DamnCat noticed that Frank & Sarah were registered at Babies”R”Us. You can search by Registry Number 45484417. No, I can’t find a direct link that works; you have to fill out a form and click “Find.”

They are also registered at Target and Amazon.

No, Frank and Sarah didn’t ask for this to be posted. They’ll be “Oh, that’s so sweet but you shouldn’t have.” Actually, that’ll probably be Frank. Sarah will be all like “He spent his time posting something instead of sending something? Sounds just like him.”

Anyway, for those that were wondering, those are links for those that had questioned about where they were registered:

• Babies”R”Us (Registry #: 45484417)
• Target
• Amazon

Now, go help the economy.

Brian of Snapped Shot and EvilFeed is giving away a tripod to the commenter who can make him laugh hardest.

The kind folks at National Geographic and Energizer are looking to give away this fantastic tripod to one lucky winner—And we here at Snapped Shot get to pick who that’s going to be. I’d pick one of you at random, but that wouldn’t be fair. So here’s what we’re going to do:

Click on down in the Comments field below, and leave me a funny comment. It could be a story, it could be a joke, I don’t really care what it is—But you’ve got until next Monday, the 6th of September, to make me laugh. The reader who does that wins the shiny new tripod above, thanks to the kindness of National Geographic and Energizer!

Leave teh funneh over at Brian’s place, and be quick about it!

Dohtimes, you won a book.

I’ve been emailing.

I think you left your spamfilter set to “kill”.

Send me your mailing address.

harvolson@gmail.com

Thank you.

PS Fred’s new best line is, “According to recent school enrollment figures, Hispanics are fleeing Arizona before the state’s new immigration law takes effect. Shame on those people for racially profiling themselves like that.”

The winners are, in chronological order:

Deafdog:

This country has shed more blood for the freedom of other people than all the other nations in the history of the world combined, and I’m tired of people feeling like they’ve got to apologize for America.

A. W.:

So let me get this straight. You want me to play essentially myself, a man with a thick Tennessee accent and real conservative values — not the moderately liberal values that passes for ‘conservative’ in New York — and you want this character to be the elected D.A. of New York City?

Dohtimes:

I’m not bragging, but I discovered the cure for Irritable Pig Syndrome. I called it Bacon.

I will be contacting the winners shortly for mailing information, so set your spam filters for “stun”.

For those deemed unworthy and/or non-participatory, you are still invited to participate in what’s left of America’s capitalist system by purchasing a copy of “Teaching the Pig to Dance” from Premiere Collectibles for $25 plus shipping.

The fact that your father has forgiven you for that one thing he caught you doing when you were a kid (oh… you KNOW the one I’m talking about, you little scoundrel, don’t play dumb with me) means that he’s worthy of receiving such a precious gift for Father’s Day.

Entertain yourself by wishing me happy birthday in the comments.

Now!

And it’s not some namby-pamby Judgement Day consisting of nuclear holocaust followed by an murderous cyborgs with Austrian accents.

We’re talking Fred himself judging your entries.

Last call. Make it count, people.

Here’s the background & rule-related mumbo-jumbo again for folks who came late to the party or who just have short memories:

I said “Cool!”

Here’s how it works:

Contest runs 3 days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You put in the comments what you think is Fred’s best line. 3 winners are selected from all submissions posted before Midnight on Friday. Winners announced Monday. Prizes are awarded to said winners (assuming they had the foresight to include a working email with their comment and I can get ahold of them to get a mailing address).

“Fred’s best line” means any quote, from any of Fred’s TV shows, movies, his radio show, his YouTube videos, old Lightning Round videos, Facebook, Twitter, etc. that you think totally rocks.

Now, IMAO is not some sort of fact-stickler news organization like CNN or MSNBC, so it’s not like anybody’s going to actually check your quote to see if it’s real. So if you just completely make something up that kinda sounds like something Fred would say, like “If these Democrats don’t stop passing these ridiculous spending bills, I’m gonna grab a copy of the Constitution and beat ‘em sensible with it,” who am I to question its truthiness?

For those who do not win, and for those voyeurs who just want to sit and watch while everyone else has fun, signed copies of “Teaching the Pig to Dance” are available for purchase at Premiere Collectibles for $25 plus shipping.

I should note that Father’s Day is coming up fast, and – having read this book – I can tell you that any human male who has survived his “stubborn, stupid, invincible teenager stage” and progressed to the “responsible parenthood stage” of his life will find a kindred soul in the pages of this tome and enjoy it immensely.

Book-plugging time over. Make with the quotes in the commments.

Also, if you’re in search of some great Fred Lines, don’t forget to scour the old Lightning Round videos.

Here’s the background & rule-related mumbo-jumbo again for folks who came late to the party or who just have short memories:

I said “Cool!”

Here’s how it works:

Contest runs 3 days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You put in the comments what you think is Fred’s best line. 3 winners are selected from all submissions posted before Midnight on Friday. Winners announced Monday. Prizes are awarded to said winners (assuming they had the foresight to include a working email with their comment and I can get ahold of them to get a mailing address).

“Fred’s best line” means any quote, from any of Fred’s TV shows, movies, his radio show, YouTube videos, Facebook, Twitter, etc. that you think totally rocks.

Now, IMAO is not some sort of fact-stickler news organization like CNN or MSNBC, so it’s not like anybody’s going to actually check your quote to see if it’s real. So if you just completely make something up that kinda sounds like something Fred would say, like “If these Democrats don’t stop passing these ridiculous spending bills, I’m gonna grab a copy of the Constitution and beat ‘em sensible with it,” who am I to question its truthiness?

For those who do not win, and for those voyeurs who just want to sit and watch while everyone else has fun, signed copies of “Teaching the Pig to Dance” are available for purchase at Premiere Collectibles for $25 plus shipping.

I should note that Father’s Day is coming up fast, and – having read this book – I can tell you that any human male who has survived his “stubborn, stupid, invincible teenager stage” and progressed to the “responsible parenthood stage” of his life will find a kindred soul in the pages of this tome and enjoy it immensely.

Book-plugging time over. Make with the quotes in the commments.

I said “Cool!”

Here’s how it works:

Contest runs 3 days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You put in the comments what you think is Fred’s best line. 3 winners are selected from all submissions posted before Midnight on Friday. Winners announced Monday. Prizes are awarded to said winners (assuming they had the foresight to include a working email with their comment and I can get ahold of them to get a mailing address).

“Fred’s best line” means any quote, from any of Fred’s TV shows, movies, his radio show, YouTube videos, Facebook, Twitter, etc. that you think totally rocks.

Now, IMAO is not some sort of fact-stickler news organization like CNN or MSNBC, so it’s not like anybody’s going to actually check your quote to see if it’s real. So if you just completely make something up that kinda sounds like something Fred would say, like “If these Democrats don’t stop passing these ridiculous spending bills, I’m gonna grab a copy of the Constitution and beat ‘em sensible with it,” who am I to question its truthiness?

For those who do not win, and for those voyeurs who just want to sit and watch while everyone else has fun, signed copies of “Teaching the Pig to Dance” are available for purchase at Premiere Collectibles for $25 plus shipping.

I should note that Father’s Day is coming up fast, and – having read this book – I can tell you that any human male who has survived his “stubborn, stupid, invincible teenager stage” and progressed to the “responsible parenthood stage” of his life will find a kindred soul in the pages of this tome and enjoy it immensely.

Book-plugging time over. Make with the quotes in the commments.

UPDATE 6-2-10 9PM:

Just got the word. Fred himself will be picking the winners.

Yes, we expect our boycott to devastate Arizona’s economy — people will probably even die — and it will hurt IMAO, too, as a lot of parts needed for putting rocket launchers on dinosaurs are only made in Arizona, but this is a measure we think is needed when a lot of people say something is “racist and stuff.”

While we’re at it, we’re also boycotting Los Angeles and San Francisco because they are full of weirdos. If you guys want IMAO business again, put all your weirdos in a boat and push the boat out into sea. You just have way too many weirdos; we can’t even stand to look at you. I’m also boycotting sand. I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. So it won’t get my business.

That is all.

So I’ll just mention that I started a new job last week, and if you’re curious, you can read about it at my personal blog.

Sorry for the delay in mentioning it. I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t embarrass myself by bragging about it for weeks beforehand and then get fired on my first day.

(From the 11-3-09 Fred Thompson show, 21 seconds, starting at the 11:58 mark)

I speculate thusly:

“Obama just spoke without a teleprompter again! Free comedy gold!”

* Making a pilgrimmage to that new Reagan statue so he can lay a wreath at its feet made of commie scalps.

* Working on his own version of Riff Trax. The bad news is, the only line he can come up with is “I weel eet ur eyeballs and throw poo at u!!!”. The good news is that this actually works as a pretty good replacement for any line by Jar Jar Binks, so “Phantom Menace” is almost done.

* Giving up on dinosaurs armed with rocket launchers. Now working on rocket launchers that fire dinosaurs.

* Trying to warn Obama about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad in order to save the nation from 7 years of “President Biden”

* Building up the callous on his trigger finger.

* Marking the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre by flying to the Square and mooning every Chinese Army soldier he sees. Which is especially rude because Frank has an American flag tattooed on one cheek and the words “Commies Suck!” on the other.

* None of your damn business how I know that.

* Asking Stephen Crowder how he gets such bouncy, shiny, manageable hair.

* Re-reading Fun Facts About Idaho to see if there’s ANYTHING to do in that damn state that doesn’t involve potatoes.

* Figuring out a way to punch three hippies at once using only two fists that doesn’t involve being Fred Thompson.

* Same way he celebrates every birthday – seeking black-market fissionables while shaking his fist at a natural satellite.

I don’t know if the problem was on Tyo’s end or ours, but I do know that YouTube sometimes randomly disables embedding, so it never hurts to have direct links as a backup.

I also added the titles of the videos, so when Obb the Exalted orders them taken them down, you can search for them elsewhere.

* I have a chapter of Hellbender done, but forgot to put it up today so it will go up tomorrow.

* I’m cracking down on off topic trolls. I have to pay for this server space you know.

BTW, so far I’m only sending trolls comments to spam if they are too off topic or comment way too much (one was commenting like ten times a post while writing like Scary Evil Monkey). Other than that, I’d like to keep the blog troll-friendly. It’s not like we’re having erudite discussions they’re interrupting.

That is all.

Anyway, so how are you guys? Don’t answer; I don’t really care.

BTW, I missed the star rater right away, so I added another one of those. If you have some other WordPress plugin suggestions, put them in the comments… unless you’re from Chicago. Then I won’t trust you.

I’m going to move some of the old posts here (and maybe eventually them all), but the old site is still searchable by the Google search bar somewhere on the left sidebar.

Thanks again to Basil for all his help.

That is all for now.

UPDATE:

Exporting from MT is not working so well. It starts with the oldest posts and puts them into a text file and falls apart well before it gets to modern day. So, if you want today’s posts, you still have to go here. Tomorrow’s posts and all those thereafter will be right here.

UPDATE 2:

I forgot to check what the blog looked like in IE and Chrome and realized some script was broken on the left sidebar. I think it’s fixed now.