Frequently Asked Questions: Celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week

Much like other week-long holidays that no one knows anything about (lookin’ your way, Kwanzaa), people WANT to celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week, but they’re afraid of doing it wrong and looking foolish, like a Democrat trying to create jobs by raising taxes and banning oil drilling.

So for those who have never celebrated Frank J. Birthday Week before – which, I guess, is everyone – here’s a handy FAQ:

FIRE! – The official rapid exothermic chemical oxidation process of Frank J. Birthday Week!

Why was Frank J. Birthday Week created?

To help people understand not just who Frank J. is, but WHY he is, by spreading the message of peace through nuclear explosions on the natural satellite of one’s home planet. Also, we need to force people to understand that that which does not make America more awesome must be mocked derisively and without mercy.

Isn’t “birthday week” an oxymoron?

No. It’s actually more of a temporal paradox caused by a slight calibration error in IMAO’s tachyon generator. Should have it fixed by this weekend.

Why not just have a “birthday day” like normal people?

Because if you tried to compress that much joy and celebration into one day, it would explode. It’s very similar to how a diesel engine works. We’re working on getting a billion dollar green energy grant from the administration to develop the idea.

Can people who are not Moon Nukers and who’ve never even heard of IMAO celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?

Of course! Much like the non-Irish are allowed and even encouraged to drink too much, brawl senselessly, and eat horrible food like corned leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, Frank J. Birthday Week is an open, all-inclusive holiday. Except that IMAO has a strict NO IRISH! policy.

Wait… you mean you’ll even let hippies celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?

If we didn’t invite hippies, who would we punch in the face?

What foods are traditionally eaten during Frank J. Birthday Week?

Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, beaked beans, bacon, bacon, bacon, and bacon. We would also suggest Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and bacon. Beware of Vikings, though.

How is Frank J. Birthday Week related to our struggle to achieve social justice, promote environmental sustainability, and build a better, more economically equitable world?

You’re here for the punching, aren’t you?

What are the benefits of celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week?

NOW you’re asking smart questions! “What’s in it for me?” This is the kind of greedy, capitalistic, profit-mongering frame of mind that Frank J. Birthday Week exists to encourage. I think you’re already benefitting.

Is Frank J Birthday Week getting too commercialized?

Hey, we’re all tired of seeing the stores start decorating for Frank J. Birthday Week earlier and earlier every year, but since Frank loves him some capitalism, it’s hard to argue that the true spirit of Frank J. Birthday Week is somehow diminished by the shelves full of Frank J. bobble-heads, Moon-Nuker biker jackets, and IMAO-logo ornaments suitable for hanging on .50 cal machine guns. Meanwhile, we’ll work on getting a Charlie Brown Frank J. Birthday Week special produced to help keep it real.

Are there any age restrictions on celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week? Can you be too young or too old?

Generally no, although, as life begins at conception, we do recommend that you celebrate responsibly by waiting until you’ve acquired 46 chromosomes and achieved zygote status. Those that are old enough to be dead should restrict their activities to voting Democrat and avenging themselves upon those who dare to disturb their sacred ancient burial grounds.

What are the Seven Principles of Frank J. Birthday Week?

Umoja (Hippie Punching)
Kujichagulia (Moon-Nuking)
Ujima (Greedy, Capitalistic, Profit-Mongering)
Ujamaa (Fighting the Monkey Menance)
Nia (Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers)
Kuumba (Space Lasers)
Tmani (SCIENCE!)

Some people have added things to their celebration of Frank J. Birthday Week which seem to differ from its original vision and values. How should those who want to maintain the original vision and values, and at the same time allow for diversity within the holiday, respond to this?

Just rub some bacon on it.

Hope that helps everyone to have a fun, safe, and enjoyable Frank J. Birthday Week.

I’m off to go fry me up some bacon.

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Frequently Asked Questions: Mitt Romney and Cookiegate

Having been completely decimated in the Wars on both Women and Dogs that they themselves started, Democrats are now going hammer & tongs to change the narrative to the “War on Cookies,” somehow believing that THIS time they’ll come out on top.

Since everyone’s too freaked out by the fact that President Obama has proudly proclaimed that HE ATE A DOG to pay attention to what’s going on elsewhere, I’m offering this little FAQ to help explain the situation that the vapid make-up mannikins in the liberal media are desperately trying to label “Cookiegate.”

You’d never catch Obama snubbing fresh bakery cookies

What is Cookiegate?

At a campaign event in Pennsylvania, Mitt Romney was viewing a spread of various picnic foods and commented, “I’m not sure about these cookies. They don’t look like you made them… they came from the local 7-Eleven… bakery or wherever.” Turns out they were from a local bakery that was offended at being compared to a soulless, multinational corporation that uses Chinese orphan-labor to produce it’s baked goods.

Too complicated. Let’s start with the basics. What’s a cookie?

A small piece of tracking code that websites download to your computer which can be printed out and served at picnics.

Has Mitt Romney ever strapped a cookie to the roof of his car?

A liberal media distortion. He placed cookies into a picnic basket to protect them from the elements and then strapped the basket to the roof of his car.

Is it true that President Obama once ate a cookie?

Undetermined. Obama mentions it in his autobiography, “Treats From My Father,” but some sources say that cookies are actually quite scarce in Indonesia, and that eating them is generally frowned upon.

Ewwww! Why would anyone eat a cookie?

Some people believe that consuming an oven-prepared confection gives you the powers of that confection. This seemingly bizarre belief probably stems from the fact that habitual cookie-eaters eventually become round and doughy.

Interesting theory. Does Obama now seem to possess magical cookie-powers?

No. Although he sometimes acts in a cookie-like fashion, only actual cookies have the power to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, and to pay the debts and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States.

Ok, so what’s a “gate” have to do with anything? Did Romney use a cookie to access an area enclosed by a fence?

No, the suffix “-gate” is typically applied to words as a shorthand way of indicating a political scandal. It comes from the Watergate Hotel, which operatives of President Nixon’s reelection campaign broke into to steal cookies from in June of 1972.

Did Nixon have a cookie?

A common misconception. Nixon had a dog named Checkers, who was shipped to Indonesia and eaten by a 10-year-old Barack Obama that same year.

Are there any cookie-eaters in the United States?

Although once quite popular in some isolated populations, the practice fell out of favor around the time that Sesame Street turned Cookie Monster into Fruity Monster.

What is The Matrix?

It’s very much like a cookie, except with better sunglasses. The other notable difference being that no one ever complains that the second and third cookies aren’t as good as the first.

Hope that clears things up.

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

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