Much like other week-long holidays that no one knows anything about (lookin’ your way, Kwanzaa), people WANT to celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week, but they’re afraid of doing it wrong and looking foolish, like a Democrat trying to create jobs by raising taxes and banning oil drilling.
So for those who have never celebrated Frank J. Birthday Week before – which, I guess, is everyone – here’s a handy FAQ:
Why was Frank J. Birthday Week created?
To help people understand not just who Frank J. is, but WHY he is, by spreading the message of peace through nuclear explosions on the natural satellite of one’s home planet. Also, we need to force people to understand that that which does not make America more awesome must be mocked derisively and without mercy.
Isn’t “birthday week” an oxymoron?
No. It’s actually more of a temporal paradox caused by a slight calibration error in IMAO’s tachyon generator. Should have it fixed by this weekend.
Why not just have a “birthday day” like normal people?
Because if you tried to compress that much joy and celebration into one day, it would explode. It’s very similar to how a diesel engine works. We’re working on getting a billion dollar green energy grant from the administration to develop the idea.
Can people who are not Moon Nukers and who’ve never even heard of IMAO celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?
Of course! Much like the non-Irish are allowed and even encouraged to drink too much, brawl senselessly, and eat horrible food like corned leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, Frank J. Birthday Week is an open, all-inclusive holiday. Except that IMAO has a strict NO IRISH! policy.
Wait… you mean you’ll even let hippies celebrate Frank J. Birthday Week?
If we didn’t invite hippies, who would we punch in the face?
What foods are traditionally eaten during Frank J. Birthday Week?
Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, beaked beans, bacon, bacon, bacon, and bacon. We would also suggest Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and bacon. Beware of Vikings, though.
How is Frank J. Birthday Week related to our struggle to achieve social justice, promote environmental sustainability, and build a better, more economically equitable world?
You’re here for the punching, aren’t you?
What are the benefits of celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week?
NOW you’re asking smart questions! “What’s in it for me?” This is the kind of greedy, capitalistic, profit-mongering frame of mind that Frank J. Birthday Week exists to encourage. I think you’re already benefitting.
Is Frank J Birthday Week getting too commercialized?
Hey, we’re all tired of seeing the stores start decorating for Frank J. Birthday Week earlier and earlier every year, but since Frank loves him some capitalism, it’s hard to argue that the true spirit of Frank J. Birthday Week is somehow diminished by the shelves full of Frank J. bobble-heads, Moon-Nuker biker jackets, and IMAO-logo ornaments suitable for hanging on .50 cal machine guns. Meanwhile, we’ll work on getting a Charlie Brown Frank J. Birthday Week special produced to help keep it real.
Are there any age restrictions on celebrating Frank J. Birthday Week? Can you be too young or too old?
Generally no, although, as life begins at conception, we do recommend that you celebrate responsibly by waiting until you’ve acquired 46 chromosomes and achieved zygote status. Those that are old enough to be dead should restrict their activities to voting Democrat and avenging themselves upon those who dare to disturb their sacred ancient burial grounds.
What are the Seven Principles of Frank J. Birthday Week?
Umoja (Hippie Punching)
Ujima (Greedy, Capitalistic, Profit-Mongering)
Ujamaa (Fighting the Monkey Menance)
Nia (Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers)
Kuumba (Space Lasers)
Some people have added things to their celebration of Frank J. Birthday Week which seem to differ from its original vision and values. How should those who want to maintain the original vision and values, and at the same time allow for diversity within the holiday, respond to this?
Just rub some bacon on it.
Hope that helps everyone to have a fun, safe, and enjoyable Frank J. Birthday Week.
I’m off to go fry me up some bacon.