Speak softly and carry a big stick, unless you’re going through security at the airport. Then they’ll be like, “Why do you have that big stick? Stop speaking so softly; I can’t hear you!”

When making a pact with the devil, if he offers you the extended warranty on your pact, don’t go for it. It’s a scam.

Don’t just disbelieve everything your evil arch nemesis says as he could use that against you. Like maybe he assumed you wouldn’t trust him and thus recommended Geico so you won’t save a lot of money on car insurance.

It’s important to distinguish yourself as one of the educated class. The best way to do this is to wear a top hat, a monocle, and a bright orange t-shirt that says, “ME INTEELECTUAL!” Careful if David Brooks sees you, though, as he might get angry at you for stealing his outfit, and he does bite.

If you suspect a co-worker is an android, ask him to pat his head and rub his belly at the same time. Androids can’t do that, because they don’t make them with dual-processors. And it’s good to know if someone is an android, because then you can steal his lunch without feeling guilty.

They say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight, but I do. Then everyone is like, “Look at the stupid dummy who brought a knife when we all have guns! What a lame-o!” Then POW! …I shoot them all with the gun hidden in the knife’s handle. NOW WHO’S STUPID?!!!

Violence is never the answer… unless the question is “What is never the answer?” Then the answer is violence. Actually, I guess that’s a paradox. Probably best to just use violence when you’re not sure about the answer.

If a UFO lands in front of you and aliens come out and demand, “Take me to your leader!” immediately respond with, “I’m not a frick’n taxi service!” and then ignore them. With aliens, the same as with dogs, you need to assert your dominance.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It’s when you’re comparing a bird in hand to squirrels that the exchange rate gets confusing.

No matter where you go in life, never forget where you came from. This is especially useful in finding your car.

Make sure you memorize a codeword that only you know. That way if someone visits you claiming to be your future self, it should be easy for him to identify himself.

Get an old chest and put explosives in it and set a trigger so the explosives will go off when the chest is opened. Then bury the chest in a middle of nowhere making sure to note its location. Now, if you’re ever captured by pirates, you can tell them to spare your life and you’ll lead them to buried treasure. I think the rest is pretty self-explanatory.

Honesty is the best policy. The second best policy? When an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, you shoot the bastard.

Always keep your eyes on your goal… unless your goal is the Ark of the Covenant. It will melt your face if you look at it when they open it.

Every once in a while, stop and think about all the things you have in life to be grateful for. And then think of how secure those things are and who might know about them and whether those people will have to be eliminated to fully protect them.

Never stare directly at the sun, as it could cause blindness. Also, never stare directly at the moon as it could infect your brain with moon-madness.

If you have room to build one in your backyard, an octagon is an efficient way to settle disputes. A thunderdome also works, but many HOAs have regulations against them.

If you find a box on your doorstep labeled “Free Badger”, don’t open it; there could be a badger inside.

Never give up. No matter how many people tell you it can’t be done, no matter how tired and beat down you are, no matter how many members of mall security are currently screaming at you, and no matter how sane or rational it seems, never ever give up.

If you aim for the moon, even if you miss you’ll be amongst the stars… though it’s pretty redundant to nuke them.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. For arch-nemeses, you should consider getting a place together. Just be warned, though, that he may not always pony up his half the rent since he is trying to destroy you.

Always stand up for your principles. Like, if you’re sitting with friends talking about stuff and your principles come up, stand up before you mention them. That lets people know they’re important. It’s dangerous on a Ferris wheel, though.

Scientific research comparing sticking with your friends through thick and thin versus abandoning them in their time of need and finding new friends shows that the latter has significant cost savings.

A special daily prayer:

Lord, give me the patience to explain things to liberals who can have their minds change, the strength to punch in the face those who can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Never listen to naysayers; they might just be horses. And if they ask for a shrubbery, they might actually be ni-sayers.