Honesty is the best policy. The second best policy? When an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, you shoot the bastard.

Always keep your eyes on your goal… unless your goal is the Ark of the Covenant. It will melt your face if you look at it when they open it.

Every once in a while, stop and think about all the things you have in life to be grateful for. And then think of how secure those things are and who might know about them and whether those people will have to be eliminated to fully protect them.

Never stare directly at the sun, as it could cause blindness. Also, never stare directly at the moon as it could infect your brain with moon-madness.

If you have room to build one in your backyard, an octagon is an efficient way to settle disputes. A thunderdome also works, but many HOAs have regulations against them.

If you find a box on your doorstep labeled “Free Badger”, don’t open it; there could be a badger inside.

Never give up. No matter how many people tell you it can’t be done, no matter how tired and beat down you are, no matter how many members of mall security are currently screaming at you, and no matter how sane or rational it seems, never ever give up.

If you aim for the moon, even if you miss you’ll be amongst the stars… though it’s pretty redundant to nuke them.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. For arch-nemeses, you should consider getting a place together. Just be warned, though, that he may not always pony up his half the rent since he is trying to destroy you.

Always stand up for your principles. Like, if you’re sitting with friends talking about stuff and your principles come up, stand up before you mention them. That lets people know they’re important. It’s dangerous on a Ferris wheel, though.

Scientific research comparing sticking with your friends through thick and thin versus abandoning them in their time of need and finding new friends shows that the latter has significant cost savings.

A special daily prayer:

Lord, give me the patience to explain things to liberals who can have their minds change, the strength to punch in the face those who can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Never listen to naysayers; they might just be horses. And if they ask for a shrubbery, they might actually be ni-sayers.

A penny saved is pretty pointless. Pennies are worthless. You’ll get much more value out of them chucking them at squirrels.

When life gives you lemons, ask to see the receipt to make sure life didn’t shoplift them. Basically what I’m saying is that life is a liar and a thief so don’t trust it or its free gift of lemons.

The smartest man knows exactly how stupid he is.

Never leave a hippie un-punched; that helps no one.

Always stand strong in the face of adversity. And if that doesn’t scare it away, trying waving your arms and shouting.

Don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do, whether they be a physicist, a psychiatrist, or a police officer.

If you’re going to be sleeping in the middle of a downpour, a tent which packaging depicts a happy little girl sitting inside holding a stuffed dinosaur may not quite do the trick.

Every cloud has a silver lining, thus silver-lined clouds are quite common and thus economically worthless. Keep waiting for the much rarer gold-lined cloud.

No matter how bleak things may appear, there is no such thing as a situation so desperate that you can’t somehow rig together a shiv.

While Link’s Quest was perhaps the least of the Legend of Zelda series, it had the best advice about life.

Never refuse an offer of a free cup of coffee.

Always give a 110% to everything you do unless you think it’s stupid or you’re a bit sleepy.