Make sure you memorize a codeword that only you know. That way if someone visits you claiming to be your future self, it should be easy for him to identify himself.

Get an old chest and put explosives in it and set a trigger so the explosives will go off when the chest is opened. Then bury the chest in a middle of nowhere making sure to note its location. Now, if you’re ever captured by pirates, you can tell them to spare your life and you’ll lead them to buried treasure. I think the rest is pretty self-explanatory.

Honesty is the best policy. The second best policy? When an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, you shoot the bastard.

Always keep your eyes on your goal… unless your goal is the Ark of the Covenant. It will melt your face if you look at it when they open it.

Every once in a while, stop and think about all the things you have in life to be grateful for. And then think of how secure those things are and who might know about them and whether those people will have to be eliminated to fully protect them.

Never stare directly at the sun, as it could cause blindness. Also, never stare directly at the moon as it could infect your brain with moon-madness.

If you have room to build one in your backyard, an octagon is an efficient way to settle disputes. A thunderdome also works, but many HOAs have regulations against them.

If you find a box on your doorstep labeled “Free Badger”, don’t open it; there could be a badger inside.

Never give up. No matter how many people tell you it can’t be done, no matter how tired and beat down you are, no matter how many members of mall security are currently screaming at you, and no matter how sane or rational it seems, never ever give up.

If you aim for the moon, even if you miss you’ll be amongst the stars… though it’s pretty redundant to nuke them.