Now Constitutionally Eligible for the Presidency

Today I am 35, thus I am finally constitutionally eligible for the presidency of the United States. Thus is Biden were to resign and Obama were to appoint me vice president and then he resigned, I could be president like today. As long as they were quick with the paper work. And I could get a flight to D.C.

But I don’t think Obama is going to do that, because frankly he doesn’t care about this country. If he did, I would already gotten a call from him where he was like, “I have no idea what I’m doing! I just traded five Taliban for some deserter and everyone is yelling at me and I don’t know why because I’m stupid and out of touch!”

And I’d be like, “Shut up. Quit whining. I hate whining.”

And Obama would be like, “Wow. You’re always direct. That’s why you should be president. Do you want to be president? Biden can’t take over because he got lost in his walk-in closet again.”

And I’d be like. “Yeah maybe. What’s it pay?”

And if it paid enough, I would be president. Then I’d give a speech. “Stop whining.” That would be the whole speech, and the only speech I’d ever give. And then I’d put a sign on the White House front door saying “Solve your own damn problems” and you wouldn’t hear or see from me again. Except maybe if I had to step out to get something from the grocery store. But if people came to me whining about their problems, I would punch people in the face. Eventually, people would learn not to bother me. Especially reporters.

I guess sometimes I would do stuff. Like I heard how the IRS was targeting conservatives, so I’d fire and deport everyone in the IRS pending an investigation. Not that’s I’d ever get to an investigation. I just don’t trust those people at the IRS; who would take a job with them? Even if you were really desperate for a job?

“Oh. We found one job opening; you’d be working for Satan in hell.”

“No thanks. I’ll keep looking.”

Mainly I wouldn’t do stuff, though. You would leave me alone, and I’d leave you alone. It would be perfect.

Anyway, I’m 35 today. I can be president now. And if that happened, we would have years of peace and prosperity and whiny people getting punched in the face.

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Frank J. 2016: I Am Not Violent

I want to know that if you elect me president in 2016, I will barely use the power of government because I fear what that is. At the the heart of every single law is a threat: I will send people with guns after you if you don’t do that. It doesn’t matter how minor the law is, the threat is there. Such as in New York City, if you sell a 17 oz soda and refuse to stop, eventually people with guns will come after you. Over soda. So obviously the people who wield the power of government haphazardly are psychopaths who should be locked up. Also, anyone who claims to be a peaceful person but is for government expansion is in fact a very violent person who loves using the threat of force to get what he wants and will use it in even minor instances. In fact, I could repeatedly punch that person in the face and be less violent. And I probably will do that.

But I am not a violent person, so I won’t use the government to force people to do anything and will dismantle as much of it as I can.

Frank J. 2016: I will obliterate the government because I am not violent.

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Frank J. 2016: Let’s Bring Back Starving to Death

We need to really start thinking how we’re going to fix everything after Obama, so I once again am reminding you that I will be Constitutionally eligible to be president in 2016 (I will not release my birth certificate to prove this, though, as I don’t want it to be public knowledge that I was born in the People’s Republic of California).

So how am I going to turn things around? Here’s how: I’m not going to help you. It’s not the government’s job and certainly not mine as president. So I want to return to the idea that this is a free country — and part of liberty is that you are responsible for yourself. And to help with that, I want to bring back starving to death.

It’s hard to starve to death in this country. No matter how lazy you are, we will keep giving you food. No more. There will now finally be a cutoff. At some point if you continue to be lazy and a failure, we will no longer feed you. We will instead just watch you starve.

This is the only way to help a lot of people in this country: By not helping them. Starvation and its avoidance are great motivators to get people working and innovating, but we have removed starvation from much of America. If people think they can continue to subsist with no effort, then they will continue to give no effort. But I am going to insist on a least a little effort, or you die.

So next time people come for foodstamps, I will give the more compassionate thing: Nothing. Why? Because I believe in you. You’ll find a way not to starve. And if you don’t, as a representative of the federal government, I don’t care.

Frank J. 2016: Bringing back a government that doesn’t care.

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A Lot of Arguing Over How Much Nothing We Were Going to Do

So if you were in suspense of exactly how we were going to avoid both the fiscal cliff and doing anything productive about the deficit, it’s all over… at least until March. Despite all the arguing, there wasn’t actually a bill out there that made us magically able to afford all the government we have now; I just don’t get all this conflict when it’s all over to what degree do we not take the problems of our bloated government seriously. Plus, it’s obvious Obama didn’t even care anything about the deficit and just wanted taxes raised on the “rich” to placate his dummy supporters. Man, is that guy absolutely useless. In the future, we’ll look on people who voted to reelect Obama in the same way we today look at blatant racists from the 60s — that’s just stupidity to the point it’s a moral failing.

So what now? It’s obvious nothing much good is going to happen in the next four years, so we will just bide our time and plot our revenge — that being a a truly fair budget plan. A plan in which the federal government’s budget is actually balanced and all of Congress responsible for the deficit and Obama will be imprisoned for treason and have all their assets confiscated. That will be my vow as president when elected in 2016.

Frank J. 2016: REVENGE!!!!

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Frank J. 2016: More Politicians in Prison

So “Plan B” didn’t work out, but I’m just having trouble getting pulled into the drama over the debate of exactly how much the government is going to fail to address the problem of the deficit. I remember a few days ago Obama saying he was meeting the Republicans half-way on spending, but the Republicans aren’t even a quarter of the way towards doing anything useful about the deficit. The debate is all in the margins of uselessness, so who cares.

Now, realistically, we should be throwing all these politicians in prison for treason for how they’ve treated our money. This is willing negligence that has weakened our nation, plus they keep acting like our money is there’s to do with as they please. And if we ever want them to stop, there has to be actual punishment to these politicians because they don’t really care as long as they can get reelected. So throw them in prison and confiscate all their wealth to be redistributed to the taxpayers they have hurt.

How do we do this? I don’t know the procedure for passing laws that will be harsh on Congress, because Congress is certainly not going to want to pass them. That’s why I’m running for president in 2016, as I will find a way to make Congress pay for all their crimes. I’ll use executive orders, drone strikes… whatever it takes to get get justice against our politicians. We really need the Congress to be in constant fear of its citizens; there is no safe seat where you can keep bring the voters with taxpayer money because there will be other methods to punish you than just the ballot box because your failure hurts more people than just your one moron district.

When the budget isn’t balanced, that’s treason. You go to jail. Preferably a prison colony in Antarctica.

Frank J. 2016: If the budget isn’t balanced, make sure you own a good winter coat.

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Frank J. 2016: What We Deserve

When I’m elected president, I don’t plan to give a lot of speeches because the job of the president isn’t to give everyone pep talks. Really, people, you’re adults; figuring everything out on your own. Still, I’m working on one speech for if I ever here people whining about the rich and how they have too much money.

This is a rich country. We are blessed with fortune and opportunity none of us had to work for; that came from the work of others. You should be grateful for that and work hard to try and earn what you were already given, but if instead your reaction is to whine about people who have more than you, then I do have something to give you: A fist for your stupid hippie face. Do you greedy little bastards really want to only get what you deserve? Because for most of you whiners, that means you starving the death. And I’ll also get something out of that: laughter.

Short and to the point; no reason to blab for hours.

Frank J. 2016: If you whine enough, I’ll give you what you deserve.

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Frank J. 2016: My VP

As I’m just starting to figure out my campaign for the presidency, it may seem early to think of a running mate, but I already have one in mind: Fire.

Yes, Fire will be my VP if I’m president, and its task will be to cut down the federal government. And thus I will unleash it on Washington D.C. and have it tear down government buildings as it feels necessary. If people don’t like all the government cuts it will be making, then don’t cry to me — tell it to Fire. Maybe it will listen to your whines and complaints.

And while Fire is doing it’s work in D.C., I’ll say out of its way. Instead of the White House, I’ll just stay at a Best Western somewhere in Virginia — nothing too fancy; we’re trying to cut government spending.

Frank J. 2016: Fire walk with me.

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Frank J. 2016: Our Incomes Are Our Business

Where does the government get the idea our income is any of its business? The government works for us, so we get to know how much money it has and everything it’s doing, but where in the world does it get off thinking it gets to know information about me? When someone asks me my income, I punch him in the face and say, “Mind your own business, loser.” That policy should be know different for the government. When elected president in 2016, I will go right to the IRS and keep punching people in the face until they get the idea to mind their own business and know their place.

Frank J. 2016: I’ll put the government in its place with my fist.

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We Almost Nuked the Moon in the 50s

Absolutely everyone emailed and tweeted me to tell me that there is a news story about how the government plotted to nuke the moon. Thanks, absolutely everyone. It’s good that when people see things about the moon being nuked, they think of me.

The only thing is, there is nothing new in that story. This is stuff that has been reported on years ago (and as Harvey pointed out, has been commented on this site before). So I don’t know why this is a big story being linked by Drudge all of a sudden other than it was an extremely slow news and someone at the AP just stumbled across this stuff for the first time and had space to fill.

So anyway, yes, the government thought about nuking the moon in the 50s. I did know this for a long time, but not back when I wrote my Nuke the Moon essay over ten years ago. So basically this proves I’m not crazy and that I think like a military general from the 50s.

But why are we talking about the past? Let’s talk about the future of nuking the moon. While we missed out our chance to scare the Soviets with us nuking the moon, we could still scare Islamic terrorists. They seem to have an affinity for the moon since they use a crescent moon as a symbol since they think Allah lives there or something (I never really studied Islam). Thus, if we nuke the moon, we could scare them away from extremism. Also, we could scare the Chinese Communists from trying to land on the moon since they know we could nuke it at anytime. So, nuking the moon is one of the greatest plans man has ever had — if not the greatest idea.

I proposed this to Obama last year, but he just cried and told me to stop yelling at him. So, while his back was turned, I penciled in “the moon” on his secret drone kill list. I don’t think that worked, though. I was hoping for a new administration next year that would be more open to nuclear strikes against natural satellites, but no luck. Of course, if I’m elected in president in 2016, on day two I will launch a nuclear strike against the moon (day one will be spent getting used to my new office, setting up my computer, and getting automatic deposit set up for my paycheck).

For more information on nuking the moon, buy my new book and read the chapter on war. Thank you for your moon nuking interest.

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Toss Democrats Off the Fiscal Cliff

I wasn’t really paying attention to the news over the last week; anything happen?

Looks like Congress is still arguing about this looming fiscal cliff thing. I’m almost starting to get the opinion on government spending that we should just encourage more and more spending. Like buy everyone a car. Because I don’t think we’ll ever get it fixed until we just collapse the whole thing and start over.

Or if I’m elected president in 2016. I wouldn’t wait any longer than that to elect me by 2016 as who knows how much time we have. I mean, just look at some of the talk on cutting spending. According to this FOX News article, Dick Durbin said that Social Security should be off the table because it is a separately-funded operation that doesn’t add to the deficit. Oh yeah, that Ponzi scheme we’re all forced into is totally working and not costing us anything. I can’t believe we put up with people blatantly lying to us while making us bankrupt. Instead of cuts, of course, Durbin wants more taxes because the big problem today is the government doesn’t have enough of our money. Well, in my administration, Dick Durbin would be tried for treason, have all his wealth confiscated and redistributed to tax payers, and then he’d be exiled to Antarctica.

Frank J. 2016: My retirement plan for Congress – hunt and eat penguins.

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