It’s Frank J.’s birthday today, and we here at IMAO will be holding a week-long celebration of his uterine expulsion anniversary.
Why a week?
Because we’re still awaiting Congressional approval to name June “National Frank J. Month”.
I blame those confounded obstructionist Republicans for keeping it bottled up in committee.
Anyway, to kick things off, here are some fun facts about the birthday boy.
Frank demonstrates the proper technique for going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
1) Although not 1/32 Cherokee, Frank IS proud to be 33/32 improper fraction.
2) A former resident of Florida, Frank once successfully divided by zero. On November 7th, 2000. You may be familiar with the aftermath.
3) Frank once peed on a cat’s head. Never made a helicopter out of one, though.
4) As an unknown blogger, Frank accused Glenn Reynolds of blending puppies. Now he’s a marginally important author. Ya gotta wonder what filthy lie Stephenie Meyer told to get where she is today. The current scientific consensus is “sparkly vampires are interesting.”
5) As a young patent clerk, Frank developed the Theory of Relativity. He gets no credit for it, since on the one day he forgot to bring his lunch money, he was forced to give the theory away to avoid a beating at the hands of that bully Einstein.
6) Frank also invented the internet. Same story, different bully.
7) Frank owns a machine that allows him to travel to a parallel universe. Most of his “In My World” stories are plagiarized from the New York Times there, where most people know him as “Jayson B.”
8) Frank is an expert marksman, hitting his target a staggering 99.997% of the time he aims to misbehave.
9) According to WhatFrankEats.com, Frank subsists primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots. But in a pinch, he’s been known to eat woodpeckers.
10) Frank once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.
11) If Frank bites you, you become Aquaman.
12) While Frank was sequencing dinosaur DNA to make it rocket-launcher compatible, a simple typo resulted in the creation of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Remember, spellcheck is your friend.
13) Frank cast the deciding vote revoking planetary status from Pluto. Just another corrupt tool of Big Planet lobbyists.
14) Frank was the second human to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race. Every night he sleeps in fear that George Lucas will make a movie about his journey to the Dark Side.
15) In 2006, Frank founded a bizarre, Bugs Bunny-worshiping cult, despite having never once personally missed that left turn at Albuquerque.
So… if Lucas ever made that Frank J. movie, whaddya suppose it’d be called?