Frank J’s Birthday

Cake provided by Les at Nuking Politics

Cake provided by Les at Nuking Politics

It’s that time of year: National Hippie Punching Day! Also known as Frank J’s birthday!

He’s what, 16? No, he’s older than that. I think. Yeah. I’m sure he is. Whatever the number is, I know it’s a prime number.

Well, age ain’t nothin’ but a number. And however young or old Frank J is, it’s still appropriate to punch a hippie in his honor. So, get to it. Punch a hippie. Or two. Or 37. Whatever feels right.

But, you know what? There are more ways to celebrate Frank J’s birthday than punching hippies. You can read a book. Or two. That’s what I’m going to do.

But what about you?

Yesterday, you told us what you thought Frank J would be doing for his birthday. Today, you get to tell us what you’re doing.


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Little Known Facts About Frank J.

Frank J. Fleming is a pseudonym. His real name? Phineas J. Whoopee.

What does the J stand for? Justice!

Despite being married for several years and producing two offspring, Frank has yet to see Sarah K. naked.

Many years ago, and to his great shame, he interned for Glenn Reynolds… as his personal Cuisinart operator!!!

His obsession with nuking the moon began the day he was inadvertently cut-off on the freeway by Buzz Aldrin.

He once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.

After years of extensive psychiatric treatment, he no longer believes himself to be the reincarnation of blood-thirsty Chinese Communist dictator Mao Tse Tung… but his alternate personalities, Basil, Harvey, and seanmahair, have yet to be purged of this same belief.

His fear of monkeys dates back to recurring childhood nightmares of Curious George mistaking his nose for a banana.

Only it wasn’t his nose!!!

His quest to breed dinosaurs with rocket launchers has reached a crucial stage in which he has successfully mated a salamander with a squirt gun.

He never really wanted to be a blogger. His lifelong dream?


Happy Birthday, Frank!

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10 Frank J. Quotes About Frank J. Birthday Week

He didn’t necessarily say these out loud, but since most people are convinced I’m just a crazy voice in Frank’s head (I blame Jimmy Stewart for this), you shouldn’t be surprised if I just read his thoughts:

“Say, that lolfrank! post was hilarious. You’re a funny guy, Harvey. I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”

1) “It’s ‘Game of Thrones,’ not ‘Game of Throne.’ Where are the rest of my thrones? You give more thrones now!”

2) “Can you believe ‘it’s my birthday’ isn’t considered a valid excuse to get out of jury duty? It’s like living in North Korea!”

3) “Buttercup got me nothing because her credit card was maxed out. Note to self: block”

4) “Weird… I got this card with a picture of a blended puppy on the front and ‘Hmmmm… Heh… Indeed…’ on the inside. Not sure if it’s from Glenn Reynolds or Obama.

5) “The ultimate effect of Scott Walker’s recall election victory was to distract people from Frank J. Birthday Week. Damn you Scott Walker!” *shakes fist*

6) “Dear Mr. Barrett – although I appreciate your gift of a video of a liberal getting slapped, this is NOT an acceptable substitute for a video of a hippy getting punched. Please rile up your base more next time.”

7) “The party went pretty well, except that all night long I kept accidentally calling the birthday clown ‘Mr. Biden’.”

8) “Next birthday week I’m celebrating in Texas. The Chuck E. Cheese’s down there have live-fire ranges.”

9) “This is just depressing. Sure I’m a published author, but I’d always thought that by age 33 I would’ve killed a lot more commies with my bare hands.”

10) “Good news, everyone! In honor of Frank J. Birthday Week, Butch agreed to change the name Frankaho!”

Oddly, no comments about SarahK putting on the Marilyn Monroe wig and singing “Happy Birthday” to him, so we’ll just assume that part didn’t disappoint.

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10 Things to Give Frank for Frank J. Birthday Week

I know what I’M getting for him.

Well, I’m not really GETTING it for him, since it’s kinda spendy.

But I have good intentions, and intentions are thoughts, and it’s the thought that counts, so technically, I’m getting it for him.

As for the rest of you, you can probably get him something from this list:

Lil’ Mad Scientist Dino-DNA Kit (Rocket Launcher Not Included)

1) Jar-Jar Binks’ head on a pike.

2) A “get out of jury duty free” card.

3) Official Richard Castle “Writer” kevlar vest.

4) Patchouli-proof hippy-punchin’ gloves.

5) His very own bacon-bot.

6) An “Engineers know it’s not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force” t-shirt.

7) A left-handed monkey-wrench (for beating up left-handed monkeys).

8) Have Adam and Jamie test the “Mexi-Cannon” (they’ve only tested the Mexi-Pult), so that when it fails, they’ll keep building larger and larger versions until they finally get it to work.

9) Is there an app to make Siri say “Klaatu barada nikto”? Because I don’t think Frank’s going to able to get the Necronomicon without a little help.

10) A shrubbery. Yes, I know he already has a shrubbery, but he wants to be able to put another one next to is, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle.

But seriously folks, can we all agree we need to chip in and have the XKCD guy give Frank some stick figure art lessons?

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Can I Borrow $31,800 for the Perfect Gift?

[via Regretsy]

Imagine how happy Frank would be to get this for his birthday.

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Remembrance of My Life: Dinosaurs

I remember in my second grade class learning about dinosaurs in science class. “Dinosaurs were giant lizards who ruled the earth,” the science teacher said. “But they are all dead now — killed by a comet or some other science thing.”

I looked at the picture of a T-Rex in my science text book (people used physical books back then). It has fearsome teeth and looked quite formidable. It’s back was smooth, though, and it seemed like that could be more intimidating by having spikes on it. Or perhaps some weaponry, I thought. “Maybe in the future,” I told my science teacher, “we could put weaponry on dinosaurs and use them in the military.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” the science teacher yelled. “Dinosaurs are all dead, and nothing is bringing them back! Plus, science has already determined what the future of warfare will look like. It will involve tiny robots that climb in people’s noses, go into their brains, and then blow up.”

“Won’t people just wear nose plugs to defeat that?” I asked.

“Fool! Eventually the enemy will have to smell something and then they will be vulnerable.”


“Quiet! I am a science teacher — the mightiest of teachers — and I shall not be questioned! I am subtracting you a letter grade for DEFIANCE OF SCIENCE!”

But my science teacher was wrong, and the nose crawling, brain exploding robot program stalled because of advances in nose plugs that allow people to both smell things and block out tiny robots. But my idea of putting weaponry on dinosaurs is still alive and well. In fact, I think I’ll make a Kickstarter project for it soon.

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Remembrance of My Life: Punching Hippies

I remember as a child my dad taking me out to the barn where he set up a scarecrow, but it had a weird colorful shirts and long hair. “I’m going to teach you how to punch hippies, son,” my father told me. “When they talk, you punch them really, really hard in the face — really put your body into it.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

My father slapped me. “That was a stupid question. So what did you just learn?”

I rubbed my sore cheek. “Not to ask it again.”

“Exactly. Hippies say stupid things, but if someone doesn’t punch them in the face after they say it, they might get the idea it isn’t stupid. And then hippie idiocy could spread. That’s why we all have to be diligent and punch every hippie we see. To keep that from spreading.”

“Okay! That sounds like fun!”

My father slapped me again.

“What was that for?” I asked, rubbing my cheek again.

“There’s just something about you I don’t like. But anyway, let’s get to practicing.” He put a tape recorder behind the scarecrow and turned it on. The tape recorded said, “We can’t hug our children with nuclear arms!” and then in response I punched the hippie scarecrow as hard as I could, knocking some of the straw loose. It felt good, and I knew I was learning a valuable skill.

Back in the day, we were all diligent about punching hippies. But at some point — I assume some time after Reagan left office — people got lazy. And then one day somewhere in our country, a hippie said something stupid and wasn’t punched in his face. And then he kept saying and others did too and now you can see where the country is. I will have to train Buttercup from an even earlier age to recognize and punch hippies, for she has much punching ahead of her if one is ever to turn this country around.

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Who Is the Oldest Moon Nuker?

In response to Frank [Happy Birthday Week!] confessing that he’s but a wet-behind-the-ears pup born in 1979, Moon Nuker 4of7 [High Praise!] asks:

Who is the oldest Moon Nuker?

Not by age, but by the number of Presidents you’ve lived under?

I’ll start: Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Clinton, Bush, Bush, and the current occupant.

I can’t compete with that. I didn’t pop out until Johnson. My mom says I used to cry a lot back in those days. Probably because we had a Democrat President.

What about you guys?

UPDATE: While we’re at it, who’s the youngest pup in this here pound?

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As part of Frank J Birthday Week here at IMAO, the regularly-scheduled lolterizt! round-up will be postponed until next week in order to bring you this special edition of lolfrank!

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

From Arik:

[The reference is at 1:52, but the whole video’s worth a watch]

From Arik:

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From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From Arik:

From Les of Brick Moon:

From Mark:

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From Mxymaster:

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From Travelwise42:

Bonus video from Storm1911, who thinks the driver/pilot looks like Frank J. (before the rhinoplasty):

[YouTube direct link]

Once again, the uncaptioned lolterizt! picture for you to play with for next week:

And an uncaptioned lolbama for 2 weeks hence [High Praise! to silaS marreD]:

Toss-up between Arik for knowing way too many Weird Al songs, and Mxymaster for watching too much Saturday morning TV in the 70’s.

What say you?

#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Remembrance of My Life: The Moon

I remember as a child looking up at the night sky with my father beside me. I pointed up at the moon and said, “Look at that? Why does it mock us so?”

“No one knows,” my father answered, “We planted a flag upon it, but it still shows no obedience.”

I looked up at the terrible glowing rock. “I think it’s threatening us.”

“Perhaps so.”

“Then why don’t we do anything about it?”

My father thought a moment. “Because of the Democrats. They want us to appease the moon. And appease the Soviets. And they will use that weakness against us. Perhaps the moon and the Soviets might team up and attack us together. I don’t know if we’re prepared for lunar Commies.”

“Well, I won’t appease them or the moon.” I glared up at our natural satellite. “One day I will do something to the moon to show that we dominate it and that we fear nothing!”

My father patted me on the head. “Ha. You are stupid and a child. Now let us do our nightly preparation for a Commie invasion and then watch Family Ties.”

Today, the moon still mocks us. Every night, Buttercup points up at the sky and says, “Moon!”

And I say to her, “Yes, I know. It frightens me too. But one day… one day we will show it.” No matter how dark things get in our nation’s problems, we must never forget the threat of the moon. And one day still we will do something about it.

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A Visual Representation of American Awesomeness

Frank asked about that a while back, and I think this commercial for Doritos Jacked pretty much has it covered (Frank, consider this your birthday present from me):

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #2,230,463)

Although technically I guess this is a “near miss”, since the passenger’s wearing a helmet. Although bonus points for the tree-shaped air-freshener on the rear view. Wonder if that’s a “Repo Man” reference?

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Happy Birthday to Me: Remembrance of My Life

So, today is my 33rd birthday. Wow, thirty-three years is kind of a long time. Back when I was born, Carter was president and people thought it was the worst time ever because no one had heard of Obama yet. But by the time I was old enough to know what a president was, Ronald Reagan was in charge. I even remember seeing him on the TV, warning us all that the Commies were trying to parachute troops into the Midwest so keep watching the skies. He’d end every speech with, “Remember: If you see a Commie, kill a Commie.” Everyday we’d turn on the TV to see the news (people watched news on the TV back then), and along with the weather forecast we’d get chance of there being an invasion (“40% chance of Commies today, so be on the alert.”). And if we saw anything up in the sky, we’d run out and start shooting at it; the last thing you’d ever want was Commies to successfully touch ground in the Midwest because it’s a big place and it would take forever to find them. I think a few of them that did make are still there, probably as college professors.

It sucks to think that Buttercup’s first memories of a president will be of either Obama or Romney. It will be up to me to warn her to shoot at things in the sky that might be Commies. And I will tell her of great fearsome things of the past that are now long gone, like the Tyrannosaurus rex and Ronald Reagan.

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This Is The New Holiday America Needs

[High Praise! to Arik]

[to the tune of Weasel Stomping Day]

Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy Ho! It’s Hippy Punching Day

Put your Viking helmet on
Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn
Don’t you know it’s Hippy Punching Day

All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You’ll know what this day’s about
When you punch a hippy’s face right out

So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their hippy noses in half
Grap your gloves and punch your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it’s Hippy Punching Day

People up and down the street
Punching hippies right off their feet
Why we do it, who can say?
But it’s such a festive holiday

So let the punching fun begin
Bash their hippy skulls right in
It’s tradition, that makes it okay

Hey everyone, it’s Hippy Punching
We’ll have some fun on Hippy Punching
Put down your gun, it’s Hippy Punching Day
Hip Hip Hooray, it’s Hippy Punching Day

Hippy Punching Day


UPDATE: Linked by It’s About Liberty

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Frank J. Birthday Week: 15 Fun Facts About Frank J.

It’s Frank J.’s birthday today, and we here at IMAO will be holding a week-long celebration of his uterine expulsion anniversary.

Why a week?

Because we’re still awaiting Congressional approval to name June “National Frank J. Month”.

I blame those confounded obstructionist Republicans for keeping it bottled up in committee.

Anyway, to kick things off, here are some fun facts about the birthday boy.

Frank demonstrates the proper technique for going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

1) Although not 1/32 Cherokee, Frank IS proud to be 33/32 improper fraction.

2) A former resident of Florida, Frank once successfully divided by zero. On November 7th, 2000. You may be familiar with the aftermath.

3) Frank once peed on a cat’s head. Never made a helicopter out of one, though.

4) As an unknown blogger, Frank accused Glenn Reynolds of blending puppies. Now he’s a marginally important author. Ya gotta wonder what filthy lie Stephenie Meyer told to get where she is today. The current scientific consensus is “sparkly vampires are interesting.”

5) As a young patent clerk, Frank developed the Theory of Relativity. He gets no credit for it, since on the one day he forgot to bring his lunch money, he was forced to give the theory away to avoid a beating at the hands of that bully Einstein.

6) Frank also invented the internet. Same story, different bully.

7) Frank owns a machine that allows him to travel to a parallel universe. Most of his “In My World” stories are plagiarized from the New York Times there, where most people know him as “Jayson B.”

8) Frank is an expert marksman, hitting his target a staggering 99.997% of the time he aims to misbehave.

9) According to, Frank subsists primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots. But in a pinch, he’s been known to eat woodpeckers.

10) Frank once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.

11) If Frank bites you, you become Aquaman.

12) While Frank was sequencing dinosaur DNA to make it rocket-launcher compatible, a simple typo resulted in the creation of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Remember, spellcheck is your friend.

13) Frank cast the deciding vote revoking planetary status from Pluto. Just another corrupt tool of Big Planet lobbyists.

14) Frank was the second human to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race. Every night he sleeps in fear that George Lucas will make a movie about his journey to the Dark Side.

15) In 2006, Frank founded a bizarre, Bugs Bunny-worshiping cult, despite having never once personally missed that left turn at Albuquerque.

So… if Lucas ever made that Frank J. movie, whaddya suppose it’d be called?

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