Can’t really disagree with anything he says.

That got me thinking I could draw all the other GOP presidential candidates. That could take time, though, and I’ve never been clear who is officially running or not. Still, I thought I’d draw one of my favorites candidates from those who (I think) declared their intentions to run: Tim Pawlenty!

Oh, what we’d give to have a boring, boring presidency again.

“The president and I, we’re focused on literally — it sounds like a trite phrase — but literally winning the future.”

Literally winning the future, people. I mean, he said it twice. And since it’s a literal thing he’s doing, I figured I should be able to draw a picture of it. So here’s my drawing of what literally winning the future looks like:

Okay, I couldn’t draw it BECAUSE IT’S NOT AN ACTUAL THING! So instead I drew Q*bert. Whatever happened to him?

It’s pretty easy to get an image of failing the present, though, since it’s on the news every day. And now we got this whole Libya thing, which maybe we should be involved in, but we definitely should have a different president for that. I mean, for the longest time, he wouldn’t even make a statement about Qdaffy, and then suddenly we’re in a war. And no one has any idea what they’re doing. It was like they’re were just talking big about how something had to be done about Libya but didn’t really expect to actually do it themselves.

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY: “We should totally do something about Libya.”

OBAMA: “Yeah, it’s like awful there. We should do something.”

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY: “We should pass a resolution to enforce a no fly zone.”

OBAMA: “Yeah. Totally.”

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY: “So here we go to the U.N. We’re going to pass this.”

OBAMA: “Good. We’re doing the right thing. I’m voting yes.”

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY: “Well, it’s passed.”

OBAMA: “That’s a good thing.”

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY: “…”

OBAMA: “…”

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY: “WHAT DID WE JUST DO?!!! ARE WE IN A WAR LIBYA!! WHAT DID WE JUST DO?!!!”

OBAMA: “I DON’T KNOW! I’M JUST A COMMUNITY ORGANIZER! …Wait. I know what we’ll do. We’ll not call it a war. We’ll call it a ‘kinetic military action‘.”

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY: “HOW DOES RELABELING IT FIX ANYTHING?!!!”

OBAMA: “I DON’T KNOW!!! STOP YELLING AT ME!!! Man, I hope this doesn’t affect my vacation in Brazil.”

I think we’ve got the rest of the world — especially Europe — used to the idea that America is in charge and will handle anything serious. But when we have an unserious president, basically no one’s in charge and it’s a big mess. You want to know why Obama didn’t consult Congress before going to war? Because he doesn’t know how war works. This is not something he ever took seriously; he expected a presidency full of passing big liberal programs like health care, not any new military action. Still, the guy spent eight years whining about our wars and then goes ahead and starts his own with not exactly on what he’s doing or trying to accomplish — which is just another drop in the bucket with all the other problems he can’t handle. So of course he’s focused on winning the future; what other message does he have right now then, “This will all work out awesome… long after we’re all dead.”

As Q*bert would say, “@!#?@!”

You know how in the War of the Worlds the martians were killed out by simple bacteria? Maybe instead it’s capitalism they can’t stand. Like they’d come to our planet to eat our blood, but then they’d walk into a Walmart and die. So capitalism keeps our planet safe from martians.

So, interesting thoughts from Hugo Chavez, but I think our response to him should be, “You’re a dictator! Here’s bullets for your face!” And when people wonder who shot Chavez, we can blame capitalism.

I say yes.

As the defenders of freedom, I don’t know why we haven’t long ago made it official American policy that if you’re a dictator, we will murder you. I used my iPad to make an illustration of this policy idea.

Hi-tech!

If you govern without the consent of the govern, then America is actively plotting your death. Maybe we won’t kill you today, maybe we won’t kill you tomorrow, but we’ll probably kill you Thursday. In the least, if you’re a dictator, know that in the Pentagon we’re working on plans to make you dead. They can even declassify plans as they don’t use them.

“Here’s our plans to make Kim Jong Il swallow a bomb and explode him from the inside, including a CGI simulation of what we think that would look like. We really think it would discredit his rule if he were exploded. And here is a drawing of him being eaten by a t-rex. Unfortunately, that one never got past the cool drawing stage.”

What would be the objections to this? That big powerful America is picking on smaller countries? You can’t pick on dictators; that’s like saying our police forces are picking on thugs and murderers. Dictators are freebies; we can kill all we want, and it’s morally okay. We’re a big powerful country — way more powerful than the dictators out there — so why shouldn’t we do what’s right and awesome? What’s really wrong is for dictators to be out there murdering and generally pushing people around and for them to have it in their head that no one is plotting to kill them. That’s why America needs to announce loud and clear, “If you’re a dictator, we’re after you. And look at this new sniper bullet we made. It enters your head then explodes. That’s right, our snipers are going to explode your head. So either have fair and free elections, or stay away from windows if you don’t want to explode your head over everything.”

Okay; so I’m a neocon. That’s way better than being someone who doesn’t want dictators’ heads exploded.

Kinda get the idea now that the Hate-Filled Lefty‘s first name would be Spencer.

To be continued…