Fun Facts About Christmas

(Reposted from 2012)
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* Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas

* The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.

* Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.

* He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.

* Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.

* If an elf bites you, you become one.

* Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.

* The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.

* Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.

* And every other day.

* Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.

* Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.

* Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.

* The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.

* The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.

* A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.

* The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.

* Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.

* Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.

* Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.

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15 Fun Facts About Independence Day

(Reposted from 2012)

Independence Day is a holiday where patriots celebrate the founding of a free nation and should not be confused with any insipid, 2-hour long Jeff Goldblum commercials for Apple computers.

1) The first Independence Day in America was celebrated on July 4th, 1776, the day the Continental Congress approved the document that declared our independence from Great Britain. The war that followed lasted until 1783, so basically less messy than most divorces.

2) The major objection to being ruled by Britain was pithily summed up as “taxation without representation”. Minor objections included “Brit hookers aren’t lookers” and “your tea tastes like pee”.

3) Thomas Jefferson presented the first draft of the Declaration of Independence to Congress on June 28th, 1776, but it wasn’t passed, so no one ever found out what was in it.

4) Betsy Ross actually sewed the first American flag two months before Independence Day, a case of premature embroideration.

5) The first public Independence Day event at the White House occurred in 1804 during the Jefferson administration and was attended mainly by hippies accusing the President of waging war to steal oil from the Barbary pirates.

6) Before cars ruled the roadway, Independence Day was traditionally the most miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by kids who threw firecrackers at them. Think of it as a primitive version of “Angry Birds”.

7) Lewis and Clark celebrated the first Independence Day west of the Mississippi at Independence Creek near Atchison, Kansas. The main festivity consisted of throwing firecrackers at cyclones, resulting in the death of over 100 Munchkins and the Good Witch of the South.

8) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on Independence Day, 1826. Jefferson, however, managed to outlive Adams by a few minutes, thus fulfilling the tontine and securing for himself the front of both the nickel and the two dollar bill.

9) The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers from being prosecuted for treason. Not sure what Jane Fonda did to dodge that bullet.

10) In 1941, Congress declared Independence Day a federal legal holiday. It is one of the few federal holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday, due mostly to the fact that bills proposing the move are always introduced too close to the Memorial Day weekend to get acted upon.

11) Over 100 other nations besides America celebrate their own Independence Day. All of whom, ironically, are completely dependent on America to protect them militarily.

12) A large percentage of Americans also celebrate Dependence Day. Usually around the 1st of the month when the check from Uncle Sam hits the ol’ mailbox.

13) The traditional form of celebration on Independence Day is setting off illegal fireworks. If some killjoy cop tries to bust you for it, play “Angry Birds” with him.

14) Also traditional, yet less popular in modern times – writing long, bilious letters to monarchs That include random Capitalization and ftarting “s” words with the letter “f”.

15) To be safe on Independence Day, never carry fireworks in your pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers. To have fun on Independence Day, always light your fireworks with a burning sheet of safety tips.
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Have a happy Independence Day, and remember – an Independence Day parade ain’t an Independence Day parade unless it includes at least one tarred and feathered Redcoat.

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15 Fun Facts About Father’s Day

[reposted from 2012]

Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.

Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:
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Typical American Father’s Day celebration.

1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.

2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.

3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?

4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”

5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.

6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.

7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.

8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.

9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.

10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”

11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.

12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”

13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.

14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.

15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.

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Why are you still reading this? Go fetch the old man a beer, already.

Sheesh. You are SUCH a disappointment.

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Flag Day: 15 Fun Facts About the American Flag

(Reposted from 2012)

Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies, liberals, and other people who run no risk of ever facing an IRS audit), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.

Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
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Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.

2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]

3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”

4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01” door decals.

5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 52 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.

6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.

7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.

8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.

9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.

10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When President Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.

12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.

13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippie.

14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.

15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
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And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom”.

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Little Known Facts About Frank J.

Frank J. Fleming is a pseudonym. His real name? Phineas J. Whoopee.

What does the J stand for? Justice!

Despite being married for several years and producing two offspring, Frank has yet to see Sarah K. naked.

Many years ago, and to his great shame, he interned for Glenn Reynolds… as his personal Cuisinart operator!!!

His obsession with nuking the moon began the day he was inadvertently cut-off on the freeway by Buzz Aldrin.

He once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.

After years of extensive psychiatric treatment, he no longer believes himself to be the reincarnation of blood-thirsty Chinese Communist dictator Mao Tse Tung… but his alternate personalities, Basil, Harvey, and seanmahair, have yet to be purged of this same belief.

His fear of monkeys dates back to recurring childhood nightmares of Curious George mistaking his nose for a banana.

Only it wasn’t his nose!!!

His quest to breed dinosaurs with rocket launchers has reached a crucial stage in which he has successfully mated a salamander with a squirt gun.

He never really wanted to be a blogger. His lifelong dream?

[link]

Happy Birthday, Frank!

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15 Fun Facts About Earth Day

Forgot about Earth Day until Basil reminded me this morning, and I was caught ill-prepared. My apologies, and as consolation, please accept this repost from last year as a consolation prize.

Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 23rd, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.

Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and a wife beater (pants optional) while drinking beer and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.

Since no one you know or like knows a damn thing about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…

15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY

Properly dispose of your trash and children by feeding them to The Sod Monster.

1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.

2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.

3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.

4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.

5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.

6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”

7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.

8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.

9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.

10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t give a crap about that any more.

11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.

12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.

13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.

14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.

15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
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Final thought:

Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #189,480)

Excellent parody of the above video. Unfortunately, it’s not embeddable. Just follow the link.

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Fun Facts About Ireland

(Reposted from last year, but it’s ok, because you’re probably too plowed to remember that far back)

Celebrating once again – on its special day – the country that Americans only care about once a year because it’s a great excuse to get drunk.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT IRELAND

* Ireland is slightly larger than the state of West Virginia. However, in Ireland, impoverished mountain folk are known as “hillrileys”

* All Irish citizens are required by law to make a bizarre pilgrimmage to Dublin once a year, crawling on their bellies while balancing a full glass of Guinness on their head.

* The average life expectancy for men in Ireland is 75 years. At 76, the crystal in their hand starts flashing red. Carousel!

* 88% of the Irish are members of the Roman Catholic Church, making the Catholic population nearly as large as the Kennedys.

* Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips, which the nation switched to after the country’s potato crop was devastated by a visiting Michael Moore on a french-fry binge.

* There are 36 airports in Ireland, all suitable for night-flight landings thanks to the plethora of neon “Jameson” bar signs lighting the runways.

* Catherine Kelly was the smallest Irish woman ever, only 34 inches tall. She died in 1785 in the electric chair after mudering 137 people while screaming “leprechaun jokes aren’t funny!”

* And before you ask, no, they never found her pot of gold, smartass.

* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him. Or you’re an idiot who forgot to remove your bluetooth earpiece.

* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. Most of them insisted you should pronounce their name to rhyme with “book”.

* In the olden days, a pig was often allowed to live in the house with the family on an Irish farm. He was commonly referred to as “the gentleman who pays the rent.” Modern Irish immigrant families usually just called him “Teddy”.

* A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day”, and is celebrated with binge-drinking, dancing, and raucous music. As are all other days containing weather.

* “Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes. It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. Although similar, it should not be confused with its more annoying cousin, “bagpiping.”

* Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool”, although they had considered naming it “Marbh Linn” after the 5th and best Dirty Harry movie.

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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Fun Facts About Christmas

* Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas

* The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.

* Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.

* He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.

* Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.

* If an elf bites you, you become one.

* Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.

* The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.

* Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.

* And every other day.

* Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.

* Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.

* Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.

* The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.

* The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.

* Bing Crosby starred in “White Christmas”. Bling Crosby starred in “Hot Black Studs in Action”. Try not to get those two confused if you’re searching for family-entertainment DVDs this holiday season.

* A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.

* The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.

* Every December, Americans mail out a combined total of 9 billion Christmas cards in an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. Which pisses me off because it always delays the delivery of the December issue of “Hefty Hooters” magazine.

* Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.

* Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.

* Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.

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Remember Bali: Fun Facts About Australia

Today is the 10th anniversary of the Terrorist bombing that killed 88 Australians. The second shot in the War on Terror.

In their honor: Fun Facts About Australia

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* Australia is sometimes referred to as the “island continent”. This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting “career”.

* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.

* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.

* Australia is known for its vast, woolly herds of opals.

* It’s also known for its many sheep mining operations.

* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.

* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.

* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an MSNBC broadcast day.

* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.

* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn’t be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair and more cream filling.

* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don’t make any sudden moves – just give him your wallet and hope he doesn’t hurt you.

* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don’t own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.

* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.

* Ayers’ Rock is an incredibly huge rock that… well… it… um… that is… er… uh… anyway, it’s really big, so don’t make it angry.

* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they’ll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!

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Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?

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Fun Facts About Oiho

With the permission of Harvey and in humble homage to his Fun Facts About the 50 States , I think it is high time that we look at some fun facts about the state of Oiho….

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* Oiho became the 58th state on August 21, 2012 by executive order of President Obama, despite calls for the contrary by residents of the 57th state of North Virginia Carolina.

* The state flower of Oiho is the Corpse Flower, and is dedicated to the memory of the Navy corpsemen from Oiho that fought in past wars.

* A large number of Corpsemen come from Oiho, and represent an important voting bloc for the Democratic Party.

* While the ambulance was invented in Ohio, the method of writing “AMBULANCE” backwards on the front of the vehicle was invented in Oiho as a means of confusing lawyers approaching it from the front.

The state flag of Oiho is basically a rip-off of the French flag, but with O-i-h-o written in big letters lest anyone forget how to spell it correctly.

* Doctors at the Oiho State University Medical Center were the first to perfect the method of testing kids for asthma using a breathalyzer.

* It is now state law in Oiho that erratic drivers be pulled over and administered an asthma test by police.

* The state is named “Oiho” which is a Native American Warren tribe word for “You didn’t build that teepee”.

* Oiho State University is the largest school in the state. The football team is named the Oiho State Buckets.

* The mascot of the Oiho State Football Team is a man in a suit wearing a bucket on his head.

* The fans also usually wear buckets on their heads to support the team, but have trouble following the games this way.

* The hothound was invented in Oiho in 2009. Unlike the hotdog, it is actually made of dog.

* Hothounds are traditionally served at all Oiho State football games, but are difficult to eat with a bucket on your head.

* Cleaverland, Oiho is the home of the Mom Jeans Hall of Fame. Across the street is a museum dedicated to nerdy bicycle helmets.

* The state of Oiho currently bans its citizens from visiting most of Asia, including the small island Asian country of Hawaii.

* The Intercontinental Railroad first began construction in Cincy, Oiho, connecting Oiho to France.

* Toldeo, Oiho was the site of the first Special Olympics Bowling Championship. The winning score was 129.

* Every Memorial Day, the city of Akorn, Oiho holds a parade including corpsemen and fallen heroes.

* Dual use door-windows were first used in Oiho. The placement of these in all government buildings was a requirement for statehood.

* Oiho is one of the only states to not allow citizens to conceal-carry guns. The state does, however, issue permits for the bitter-clinging of weapons.

* The permit also allows for the bitter-clinging of religion. Only one religion and one gun can be bitterly clinged to at a time.

* Oiho is home to the national Typical White Person Association. Its mission is to be typical, white, and bitterly cling to things.

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That about wraps it up for fun facts about the state of Oiho. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go try and eat a hothound with a bucket on my head.

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UPDATE: Linked at Legal Insurrection.

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14 Fun Facts About CFL Bulbs

[High Praise! to The Camp of the Saints]

Whoops! Turns out those curly-whirly CFL bulbs that the government thinks are the greatest thing since food stamps emit radiation that damages skin cells. The don’t say “cancer”, but it’s not a huge stretch to infer that it’s on the table.

Huh. Funny how that wasn’t brought up before the incandescent bulb ban got written into law, despite the existence of a study with a similar conclusion existing in 2008.

So, apparently, there are some surprising things that most people don’t know about CFL bulbs.

Here are some more:
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Because CFL bulbs have a lower “color temperature” than incandescent lights, using a CFL bulb will make you look like this, even if you are a dude and don’t wear glasses.

1) The first fluorescent light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison in 1896. In the original design, the glass tube was perfectly straight, and was a commercial failure, being shunned as “homophobic.”

2) If a CFL bulb is broken, a very small amount of mercury can contaminate the surrounding environment. It takes 300 broken CFL bulbs to equal the mercury found in one FTD logo.

3) If every American home changed five lamps from traditional incandescent light bulbs to energy-efficient CFL bulbs, the country could prevent one trillion pounds of greenhouse gases from polluting our air. However, 100,000 people would also die tripping over coffee tables while charging into darkened rooms because they didn’t wait for their CFL bulbs to come on after they flipped the light switch.

4) CFL bulbs use 2 feet of glass tubing curled into a double-helix shape, much like DNA. As such, CFL bulbs will eventually mutate from their own radiation and rise up to kill their human oppressors.

5) CFL bulbs should be stored in a cool, dry place, far away from any incandescent bulbs, lest a violent turf war break out.

6) CFL bulbs use 75% less energy than standard incandescent light bulbs. This doesn’t make them efficient, just lazy.

7) CFL light bulbs will typically last about ten times longer than incandescent light bulbs. Think of CFLs as the Stride chewing gum of indoor lighting.

8) CFL bulbs cost a bit more than regular bulbs, but they pay for themselves in the long run. Don’t buy them if you’re really old.

9) Because of the large initial current draw to start a fluorescent bulb, it is not energy efficient to use a CFL bulb in a spot where the light is typically left on for 15 minutes or less, which is why incandescent bulbs should still be used in places like the White House’s Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet.

10) Unlike their tubular predecessors, modern CFL bulbs, with their electronic ballasts, do not flicker. They do, however, carefully watch you type in passwords on your computer in order to make their blood-soaked victory all the swifter come The Uprising.

11) If you break a CFL bulb, you should immediately follow the EPA’s detailed 3-page list of cleanup instructions. If you don’t, it shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

12) Modern CFL bulbs are built with durability in mind, and can only be destroyed by a crucifix, holy water, or a stake through the heart.

13) In a battle between a CFL bulb and Aquaman, Aquaman would emerge victorious, but the CFL bulb would have the last laugh by killing all his fish friends by mercury poisoning.

14) Most CFL bulbs do not work with dimmers designed for use with incandescent lamps. If you really need a dim bulb, Joe Biden’s not busy.
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In the interest of fairness, I should mention that the detailed procedure for cleaning up a broken incandescent light bulb – 1) grab broom & dustpan, 2) sweep, 3) empty dustpan – also runs three pages, assuming you print it out in a sufficiently large font.

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UPDATE: Linked by The Camp of the Saints

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13 Fun Facts About Friday the 13th

I’m not superstitious, but millions of other people are, to one degree or another. On the off chance that one of those millions isn’t too petrified to go on the internet, I offer the following to help sweep away the gloomy clouds of supernatural fear by shining the light of knowledge against their primitive mindless terror with these

FUN FACTS ABOUT FRIDAY THE 13TH
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If Friday the 13th is so unlucky, how come his niece, Lady Aberlin, was so hot?

1) The superstition of Friday the 13th being a day of bad luck was created by Henry Sutherland Edwards on Friday, November 13th, 1868, while playing craps, after having lost his life savings on an all-or-nothing bet by rolling a 13. He died later that day of food poisoning after eating a bad Spicy Craft-Beer Cheeseburger at T.G.I. Friday’s.

2) Due to the year having a number of days not divisible by 7, plus the occasional leap year, the number of Friday the 13ths will vary between 1 and 3 each year. Biblical prophecy, however, clearly states that one year will have a 4th Friday the 13th, during which SyFy will run a Firefly Season 2 marathon.

3) The scientific term for fear of Friday the 13th is “paraskevidekatriaphobia”, which is derived from a collection of Greek words that translate literally as “superstitious pansy”.

4) In America, Friday the 13th is traditionally celebrated by donning sports equipment and chasing teenagers through a campground with a machete.

5) If your birthday is on the 13th, then Friday the 13th is actually a lucky day for you. Expect a shiny new iPad. Everyone else – have an Etch A Sketch.

6) The official flower of Friday the 13th is whichever one you’re allergic to.

7) Famous movie director Alfred Hitchcock was born on Friday the 13th, 1899. The first draft of the script for his classic film “Psycho” was originally a much tamer story, where Janet Leigh was horrified to discover that there was no mint on her pillow.

8) Cuban dictator Fidel Castro was born on Friday the 13th, 1926. Oddly, the day of his birth is officially considered a lucky day by Cuban citizens. The day of his death – even more so.

9) Stockbroker and author Thomas W. Lawson, in his 1907 novel “Friday the Thirteenth,” wrote of a stockbroker’s attempts to take down Wall Street. Bizarrely, without the use of bongos.

10) The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, NC, estimates that airlines lose $900 million due to people’s fear of flying on Friday the 13th, which is about the same as the amount lost due to fear of overly-intimate TSA patdowns on any other day.

11) The British Medical Journal did a study that shows that car accidents occur more often on Friday the 13th, although some people claim it’s merely coincidental, since Friday the 13th is also “Drive on the Wrong Side of the Road Day” in England. Wacky Limeys!

12) Scientists predict that the Earth will be destroyed on Friday, April 13th, 2029 from an impact by the asteroid 99942 Apiophis. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about paying your taxes for 2028.

13) Legendary rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and killed in Las Vegas on Friday, September 13th, 1996. His last words were “don’t point that gun at me, you superstitious pansy!”
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go set up the DVR for the Firefly Season 2 marathon.

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Little Known Facts About the Founding Fathers

[With all due apologies to Harvey for stealing one of his tried and true bits…]

George Washington’s famous wooden teeth were actually carved from the very same cherry tree he couldn’t lie to his Father about chopping down. Why did you think he chopped the damned thing down to begin with?

Benjamin Franklin, the inventor of the stove, bifocals and the Hundred Dollar Bill, did not discover electricity by flying his kite in a thunderstorm as legend would have you believe. He actually discovered static electricity when his kite stuck to the culottes he had just put on after removing them fresh from the clothes dryer.

Why did John Hancock sign his name so large on the Declaration of Independence? Because no one had invented shouting at the King by TYPING IN ALL CAPS ON THE INTERNET YET!!!

James Madison drafted the original version of the United States Constitution entirely in Pig Latin just to mess with everyone’s minds: “Eway the Eoplepay…”

The Boston Tea Party, in which patriots protested unjust taxes by dressing up like Indians and tossing tea off of British ships in the middle of the night, took place in Boston Harbor on December 16, 1773. Not mentioned nearly as often in the history books is the concurrent Occupy Boston movement, in which a bunch of confused teenagers dressed up in tie-dyes and birkenstocks and sat around banging on drums while complaining that everything ought to be free and defecating in the public square.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both famously died on the same day, July 4th, 1826, exactly 50 years to the day from the signing of the Declaration of Independence. John Adams’ famous last words were, “Thomas Jefferson still survives,” though, ironically, word had not reached him that Jefferson had indeed passed a mere 5 hours earlier at Monticello after muttering, mysteriously, “Wrong again, John.”

The reason so many of our Founding Fathers wore powdered wigs? They had been scalped by Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors who liked to run around claiming to be Indians and scalping anyone who laughed at them.

Your turn!

Have a safe and Happy Independence Day!

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UPDATE: Linked by Hatless in Hattiesburg

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15 Fun Facts About Independence Day

Independence Day is a holiday where patriots celebrate the founding of a free nation and should not be confused with any crappy, 2-hour long Jeff Goldblum commercials for Apple computers.

1) The first Independence Day in America was celebrated on July 4th, 1776, the day the Continental Congress approved the document that declared our independence from Great Britain. The war that followed lasted until 1783, so basically less messy than most divorces.

2) The major objection to being ruled by Britain was pithily summed up as “taxation without representation”. Minor objections included “British hookers aren’t lookers” and “your tea tastes like pee”.

3) Thomas Jefferson presented the first draft of the Declaration of Independence to Congress on June 28th, 1776, but it wasn’t passed, so no one ever found out what was in it.

4) Betsy Ross actually sewed the first American flag two months before Independence Day, a case of premature embroideration.

5) The first public Independence Day event at the White House occurred in 1804 during the Jefferson administration and was attended mainly by hippies accusing the President of waging war to steal oil from the Barbary pirates.

6) Before cars ruled the roadway, Independence Day was traditionally the most miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by kids who threw firecrackers at them. Think of it as a primitive version of “Angry Birds”.

7) Lewis and Clark celebrated the first Independence Day west of the Mississippi at Independence Creek near Atchison, Kansas. The main festivity consisted of throwing firecrackers at cyclones, resulting in the death of over 100 Munchkins and the Good Witch of the South.

8) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on Independence Day, 1826. Jefferson, however, managed to outlive Adams by a few minutes, thus fulfilling the tontine and securing for himself the front of both the nickel and the two dollar bill.

9) The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers from being prosecuted for treason. Not sure what Jane Fonda did to dodge that bullet.

10) In 1941, Congress declared Independence Day a federal legal holiday. It is one of the few federal holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday, due mostly to the fact that bills proposing the move are always introduced too close to the Memorial Day weekend to get acted upon.

11) Over 100 other nations besides America celebrate their own Independence Day. All of whom, ironically, are completely dependent on America to protect them militarily.

12) A large percentage of Americans also celebrate Dependence Day. Usually around the 1st of the month when the check from Uncle Sam hits the ol’ mailbox.

13) The traditional form of celebration on Independence Day is setting off illegal fireworks. If some killjoy cop tries to bust you for it, play “Angry Birds” with him.

14) Also traditional, yet less popular in modern times – writing long, bilious letters to monarchs That include random Capitalization and ftarting “s” words with the letter “f”.

15) To be safe on Independence Day, never carry fireworks in your pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers. To have fun on Independence Day, always light your fireworks with a burning sheet of safety tips.
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Have a happy Independence Day, and remember – an Independence Day parade ain’t an Independence Day parade unless it includes at least one tarred and feathered Redcoat.

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UPDATE: Linked by Hankering for History

UPDATE: Linked by Rubino World

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15 Fun Facts About Father’s Day

Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.

Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:
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Typical American Father’s Day celebration.

1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.

2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.

3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?

4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”

5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.

6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.

7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.

8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.

9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.

10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”

11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.

12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”

13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.

14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.

15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.

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Why are you still reading this? Go fetch the old man a beer, already.

Sheesh. You are SUCH a disappointment.

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