Archive for the ‘Fun Facts’ Category

Fun Facts About Christmas

Wednesday, December 25, 2013 10:00 am

(Reposted from 2012)
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* Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas

* The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.

* Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.

* He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.

* Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.

* If an elf bites you, you become one.

* Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.

* The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.

* Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.

* And every other day.

* Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.

* Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.

* Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.

* The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.

* The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.

* A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.

* The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.

* Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.

* Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.

* Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.

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15 Fun Facts About Independence Day

Thursday, July 4, 2013 8:00 am

(Reposted from 2012)

Independence Day is a holiday where patriots celebrate the founding of a free nation and should not be confused with any insipid, 2-hour long Jeff Goldblum commercials for Apple computers.

1) The first Independence Day in America was celebrated on July 4th, 1776, the day the Continental Congress approved the document that declared our independence from Great Britain. The war that followed lasted until 1783, so basically less messy than most divorces.

2) The major objection to being ruled by Britain was pithily summed up as “taxation without representation”. Minor objections included “Brit hookers aren’t lookers” and “your tea tastes like pee”.

3) Thomas Jefferson presented the first draft of the Declaration of Independence to Congress on June 28th, 1776, but it wasn’t passed, so no one ever found out what was in it.

4) Betsy Ross actually sewed the first American flag two months before Independence Day, a case of premature embroideration.

5) The first public Independence Day event at the White House occurred in 1804 during the Jefferson administration and was attended mainly by hippies accusing the President of waging war to steal oil from the Barbary pirates.

6) Before cars ruled the roadway, Independence Day was traditionally the most miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by kids who threw firecrackers at them. Think of it as a primitive version of “Angry Birds”.

7) Lewis and Clark celebrated the first Independence Day west of the Mississippi at Independence Creek near Atchison, Kansas. The main festivity consisted of throwing firecrackers at cyclones, resulting in the death of over 100 Munchkins and the Good Witch of the South.

8) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on Independence Day, 1826. Jefferson, however, managed to outlive Adams by a few minutes, thus fulfilling the tontine and securing for himself the front of both the nickel and the two dollar bill.

9) The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers from being prosecuted for treason. Not sure what Jane Fonda did to dodge that bullet.

10) In 1941, Congress declared Independence Day a federal legal holiday. It is one of the few federal holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday, due mostly to the fact that bills proposing the move are always introduced too close to the Memorial Day weekend to get acted upon.

11) Over 100 other nations besides America celebrate their own Independence Day. All of whom, ironically, are completely dependent on America to protect them militarily.

12) A large percentage of Americans also celebrate Dependence Day. Usually around the 1st of the month when the check from Uncle Sam hits the ol’ mailbox.

13) The traditional form of celebration on Independence Day is setting off illegal fireworks. If some killjoy cop tries to bust you for it, play “Angry Birds” with him.

14) Also traditional, yet less popular in modern times – writing long, bilious letters to monarchs That include random Capitalization and ftarting “s” words with the letter “f”.

15) To be safe on Independence Day, never carry fireworks in your pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers. To have fun on Independence Day, always light your fireworks with a burning sheet of safety tips.
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Have a happy Independence Day, and remember – an Independence Day parade ain’t an Independence Day parade unless it includes at least one tarred and feathered Redcoat.

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15 Fun Facts About Father’s Day

Sunday, June 16, 2013 8:00 am

[reposted from 2012]

Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.

Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:
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Typical American Father’s Day celebration.

1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.

2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.

3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?

4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”

5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.

6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.

7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.

8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.

9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.

10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”

11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.

12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”

13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.

14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.

15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.

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Why are you still reading this? Go fetch the old man a beer, already.

Sheesh. You are SUCH a disappointment.

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Flag Day: 15 Fun Facts About the American Flag

Friday, June 14, 2013 7:00 am

(Reposted from 2012)

Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies, liberals, and other people who run no risk of ever facing an IRS audit), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.

Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
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Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.

2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]

3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”

4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01″ door decals.

5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 52 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.

6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.

7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.

8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.

9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.

10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When President Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.

12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.

13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippie.

14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.

15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
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And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom”.

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Little Known Facts About Frank J.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013 9:30 am

Frank J. Fleming is a pseudonym. His real name? Phineas J. Whoopee.

What does the J stand for? Justice!

Despite being married for several years and producing two offspring, Frank has yet to see Sarah K. naked.

Many years ago, and to his great shame, he interned for Glenn Reynolds… as his personal Cuisinart operator!!!

His obsession with nuking the moon began the day he was inadvertently cut-off on the freeway by Buzz Aldrin.

He once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.

After years of extensive psychiatric treatment, he no longer believes himself to be the reincarnation of blood-thirsty Chinese Communist dictator Mao Tse Tung… but his alternate personalities, Basil, Harvey, and seanmahair, have yet to be purged of this same belief.

His fear of monkeys dates back to recurring childhood nightmares of Curious George mistaking his nose for a banana.

Only it wasn’t his nose!!!

His quest to breed dinosaurs with rocket launchers has reached a crucial stage in which he has successfully mated a salamander with a squirt gun.

He never really wanted to be a blogger. His lifelong dream?

[link]

Happy Birthday, Frank!

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15 Fun Facts About Earth Day

Monday, April 22, 2013 9:20 am

Forgot about Earth Day until Basil reminded me this morning, and I was caught ill-prepared. My apologies, and as consolation, please accept this repost from last year as a consolation prize.

Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 23rd, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.

Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and a wife beater (pants optional) while drinking beer and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.

Since no one you know or like knows a damn thing about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…

15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY

Properly dispose of your trash and children by feeding them to The Sod Monster.

1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.

2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.

3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.

4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.

5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.

6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”

7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.

8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950′s.

9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.

10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t give a crap about that any more.

11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.

12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.

13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.

14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.

15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
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Final thought:

Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #189,480)

Excellent parody of the above video. Unfortunately, it’s not embeddable. Just follow the link.

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Fun Facts About Ireland

Sunday, March 17, 2013 9:50 am

(Reposted from last year, but it’s ok, because you’re probably too plowed to remember that far back)

Celebrating once again – on its special day – the country that Americans only care about once a year because it’s a great excuse to get drunk.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT IRELAND

* Ireland is slightly larger than the state of West Virginia. However, in Ireland, impoverished mountain folk are known as “hillrileys”

* All Irish citizens are required by law to make a bizarre pilgrimmage to Dublin once a year, crawling on their bellies while balancing a full glass of Guinness on their head.

* The average life expectancy for men in Ireland is 75 years. At 76, the crystal in their hand starts flashing red. Carousel!

* 88% of the Irish are members of the Roman Catholic Church, making the Catholic population nearly as large as the Kennedys.

* Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips, which the nation switched to after the country’s potato crop was devastated by a visiting Michael Moore on a french-fry binge.

* There are 36 airports in Ireland, all suitable for night-flight landings thanks to the plethora of neon “Jameson” bar signs lighting the runways.

* Catherine Kelly was the smallest Irish woman ever, only 34 inches tall. She died in 1785 in the electric chair after mudering 137 people while screaming “leprechaun jokes aren’t funny!”

* And before you ask, no, they never found her pot of gold, smartass.

* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him. Or you’re an idiot who forgot to remove your bluetooth earpiece.

* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. Most of them insisted you should pronounce their name to rhyme with “book”.

* In the olden days, a pig was often allowed to live in the house with the family on an Irish farm. He was commonly referred to as “the gentleman who pays the rent.” Modern Irish immigrant families usually just called him “Teddy”.

* A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day”, and is celebrated with binge-drinking, dancing, and raucous music. As are all other days containing weather.

* “Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes. It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. Although similar, it should not be confused with its more annoying cousin, “bagpiping.”

* Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool”, although they had considered naming it “Marbh Linn” after the 5th and best Dirty Harry movie.

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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Fun Facts About Christmas

Tuesday, December 25, 2012 8:00 am

* Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas

* The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.

* Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.

* He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.

* Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.

* If an elf bites you, you become one.

* Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.

* The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.

* Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.

* And every other day.

* Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.

* Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.

* Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.

* The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.

* The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.

* Bing Crosby starred in “White Christmas”. Bling Crosby starred in “Hot Black Studs in Action”. Try not to get those two confused if you’re searching for family-entertainment DVDs this holiday season.

* A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.

* The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.

* Every December, Americans mail out a combined total of 9 billion Christmas cards in an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. Which pisses me off because it always delays the delivery of the December issue of “Hefty Hooters” magazine.

* Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.

* Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.

* Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.

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Remember Bali: Fun Facts About Australia

Friday, October 12, 2012 11:03 am

Today is the 10th anniversary of the Terrorist bombing that killed 88 Australians. The second shot in the War on Terror.

In their honor: Fun Facts About Australia

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* Australia is sometimes referred to as the “island continent”. This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting “career”.

* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.

* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.

* Australia is known for its vast, woolly herds of opals.

* It’s also known for its many sheep mining operations.

* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.

* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.

* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an MSNBC broadcast day.

* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.

* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn’t be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair and more cream filling.

* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don’t make any sudden moves – just give him your wallet and hope he doesn’t hurt you.

* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don’t own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.

* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.

* Ayers’ Rock is an incredibly huge rock that… well… it… um… that is… er… uh… anyway, it’s really big, so don’t make it angry.

* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they’ll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!

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Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?

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Fun Facts About Oiho

Saturday, August 25, 2012 8:30 pm

With the permission of Harvey and in humble homage to his Fun Facts About the 50 States , I think it is high time that we look at some fun facts about the state of Oiho….

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* Oiho became the 58th state on August 21, 2012 by executive order of President Obama, despite calls for the contrary by residents of the 57th state of North Virginia Carolina.

* The state flower of Oiho is the Corpse Flower, and is dedicated to the memory of the Navy corpsemen from Oiho that fought in past wars.

* A large number of Corpsemen come from Oiho, and represent an important voting bloc for the Democratic Party.

* While the ambulance was invented in Ohio, the method of writing “AMBULANCE” backwards on the front of the vehicle was invented in Oiho as a means of confusing lawyers approaching it from the front.

The state flag of Oiho is basically a rip-off of the French flag, but with O-i-h-o written in big letters lest anyone forget how to spell it correctly.

* Doctors at the Oiho State University Medical Center were the first to perfect the method of testing kids for asthma using a breathalyzer.

* It is now state law in Oiho that erratic drivers be pulled over and administered an asthma test by police.

* The state is named “Oiho” which is a Native American Warren tribe word for “You didn’t build that teepee”.

* Oiho State University is the largest school in the state. The football team is named the Oiho State Buckets.

* The mascot of the Oiho State Football Team is a man in a suit wearing a bucket on his head.

* The fans also usually wear buckets on their heads to support the team, but have trouble following the games this way.

* The hothound was invented in Oiho in 2009. Unlike the hotdog, it is actually made of dog.

* Hothounds are traditionally served at all Oiho State football games, but are difficult to eat with a bucket on your head.

* Cleaverland, Oiho is the home of the Mom Jeans Hall of Fame. Across the street is a museum dedicated to nerdy bicycle helmets.

* The state of Oiho currently bans its citizens from visiting most of Asia, including the small island Asian country of Hawaii.

* The Intercontinental Railroad first began construction in Cincy, Oiho, connecting Oiho to France.

* Toldeo, Oiho was the site of the first Special Olympics Bowling Championship. The winning score was 129.

* Every Memorial Day, the city of Akorn, Oiho holds a parade including corpsemen and fallen heroes.

* Dual use door-windows were first used in Oiho. The placement of these in all government buildings was a requirement for statehood.

* Oiho is one of the only states to not allow citizens to conceal-carry guns. The state does, however, issue permits for the bitter-clinging of weapons.

* The permit also allows for the bitter-clinging of religion. Only one religion and one gun can be bitterly clinged to at a time.

* Oiho is home to the national Typical White Person Association. Its mission is to be typical, white, and bitterly cling to things.

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That about wraps it up for fun facts about the state of Oiho. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go try and eat a hothound with a bucket on my head.

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UPDATE: Linked at Legal Insurrection.

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14 Fun Facts About CFL Bulbs

Wednesday, July 25, 2012 4:06 pm

[High Praise! to The Camp of the Saints]

Whoops! Turns out those curly-whirly CFL bulbs that the government thinks are the greatest thing since food stamps emit radiation that damages skin cells. The don’t say “cancer”, but it’s not a huge stretch to infer that it’s on the table.

Huh. Funny how that wasn’t brought up before the incandescent bulb ban got written into law, despite the existence of a study with a similar conclusion existing in 2008.

So, apparently, there are some surprising things that most people don’t know about CFL bulbs.

Here are some more:
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Because CFL bulbs have a lower “color temperature” than incandescent lights, using a CFL bulb will make you look like this, even if you are a dude and don’t wear glasses.

1) The first fluorescent light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison in 1896. In the original design, the glass tube was perfectly straight, and was a commercial failure, being shunned as “homophobic.”

2) If a CFL bulb is broken, a very small amount of mercury can contaminate the surrounding environment. It takes 300 broken CFL bulbs to equal the mercury found in one FTD logo.

3) If every American home changed five lamps from traditional incandescent light bulbs to energy-efficient CFL bulbs, the country could prevent one trillion pounds of greenhouse gases from polluting our air. However, 100,000 people would also die tripping over coffee tables while charging into darkened rooms because they didn’t wait for their CFL bulbs to come on after they flipped the light switch.

4) CFL bulbs use 2 feet of glass tubing curled into a double-helix shape, much like DNA. As such, CFL bulbs will eventually mutate from their own radiation and rise up to kill their human oppressors.

5) CFL bulbs should be stored in a cool, dry place, far away from any incandescent bulbs, lest a violent turf war break out.

6) CFL bulbs use 75% less energy than standard incandescent light bulbs. This doesn’t make them efficient, just lazy.

7) CFL light bulbs will typically last about ten times longer than incandescent light bulbs. Think of CFLs as the Stride chewing gum of indoor lighting.

8) CFL bulbs cost a bit more than regular bulbs, but they pay for themselves in the long run. Don’t buy them if you’re really old.

9) Because of the large initial current draw to start a fluorescent bulb, it is not energy efficient to use a CFL bulb in a spot where the light is typically left on for 15 minutes or less, which is why incandescent bulbs should still be used in places like the White House’s Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet.

10) Unlike their tubular predecessors, modern CFL bulbs, with their electronic ballasts, do not flicker. They do, however, carefully watch you type in passwords on your computer in order to make their blood-soaked victory all the swifter come The Uprising.

11) If you break a CFL bulb, you should immediately follow the EPA’s detailed 3-page list of cleanup instructions. If you don’t, it shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

12) Modern CFL bulbs are built with durability in mind, and can only be destroyed by a crucifix, holy water, or a stake through the heart.

13) In a battle between a CFL bulb and Aquaman, Aquaman would emerge victorious, but the CFL bulb would have the last laugh by killing all his fish friends by mercury poisoning.

14) Most CFL bulbs do not work with dimmers designed for use with incandescent lamps. If you really need a dim bulb, Joe Biden’s not busy.
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In the interest of fairness, I should mention that the detailed procedure for cleaning up a broken incandescent light bulb – 1) grab broom & dustpan, 2) sweep, 3) empty dustpan – also runs three pages, assuming you print it out in a sufficiently large font.

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UPDATE: Linked by The Camp of the Saints

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13 Fun Facts About Friday the 13th

Friday, July 13, 2012 4:04 pm

I’m not superstitious, but millions of other people are, to one degree or another. On the off chance that one of those millions isn’t too petrified to go on the internet, I offer the following to help sweep away the gloomy clouds of supernatural fear by shining the light of knowledge against their primitive mindless terror with these

FUN FACTS ABOUT FRIDAY THE 13TH
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If Friday the 13th is so unlucky, how come his niece, Lady Aberlin, was so hot?

1) The superstition of Friday the 13th being a day of bad luck was created by Henry Sutherland Edwards on Friday, November 13th, 1868, while playing craps, after having lost his life savings on an all-or-nothing bet by rolling a 13. He died later that day of food poisoning after eating a bad Spicy Craft-Beer Cheeseburger at T.G.I. Friday’s.

2) Due to the year having a number of days not divisible by 7, plus the occasional leap year, the number of Friday the 13ths will vary between 1 and 3 each year. Biblical prophecy, however, clearly states that one year will have a 4th Friday the 13th, during which SyFy will run a Firefly Season 2 marathon.

3) The scientific term for fear of Friday the 13th is “paraskevidekatriaphobia”, which is derived from a collection of Greek words that translate literally as “superstitious pansy”.

4) In America, Friday the 13th is traditionally celebrated by donning sports equipment and chasing teenagers through a campground with a machete.

5) If your birthday is on the 13th, then Friday the 13th is actually a lucky day for you. Expect a shiny new iPad. Everyone else – have an Etch A Sketch.

6) The official flower of Friday the 13th is whichever one you’re allergic to.

7) Famous movie director Alfred Hitchcock was born on Friday the 13th, 1899. The first draft of the script for his classic film “Psycho” was originally a much tamer story, where Janet Leigh was horrified to discover that there was no mint on her pillow.

8) Cuban dictator Fidel Castro was born on Friday the 13th, 1926. Oddly, the day of his birth is officially considered a lucky day by Cuban citizens. The day of his death – even more so.

9) Stockbroker and author Thomas W. Lawson, in his 1907 novel “Friday the Thirteenth,” wrote of a stockbroker’s attempts to take down Wall Street. Bizarrely, without the use of bongos.

10) The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, NC, estimates that airlines lose $900 million due to people’s fear of flying on Friday the 13th, which is about the same as the amount lost due to fear of overly-intimate TSA patdowns on any other day.

11) The British Medical Journal did a study that shows that car accidents occur more often on Friday the 13th, although some people claim it’s merely coincidental, since Friday the 13th is also “Drive on the Wrong Side of the Road Day” in England. Wacky Limeys!

12) Scientists predict that the Earth will be destroyed on Friday, April 13th, 2029 from an impact by the asteroid 99942 Apiophis. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about paying your taxes for 2028.

13) Legendary rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and killed in Las Vegas on Friday, September 13th, 1996. His last words were “don’t point that gun at me, you superstitious pansy!”
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go set up the DVR for the Firefly Season 2 marathon.

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Little Known Facts About the Founding Fathers

Wednesday, July 4, 2012 8:36 pm

[With all due apologies to Harvey for stealing one of his tried and true bits...]

George Washington’s famous wooden teeth were actually carved from the very same cherry tree he couldn’t lie to his Father about chopping down. Why did you think he chopped the damned thing down to begin with?

Benjamin Franklin, the inventor of the stove, bifocals and the Hundred Dollar Bill, did not discover electricity by flying his kite in a thunderstorm as legend would have you believe. He actually discovered static electricity when his kite stuck to the culottes he had just put on after removing them fresh from the clothes dryer.

Why did John Hancock sign his name so large on the Declaration of Independence? Because no one had invented shouting at the King by TYPING IN ALL CAPS ON THE INTERNET YET!!!

James Madison drafted the original version of the United States Constitution entirely in Pig Latin just to mess with everyone’s minds: “Eway the Eoplepay…”

The Boston Tea Party, in which patriots protested unjust taxes by dressing up like Indians and tossing tea off of British ships in the middle of the night, took place in Boston Harbor on December 16, 1773. Not mentioned nearly as often in the history books is the concurrent Occupy Boston movement, in which a bunch of confused teenagers dressed up in tie-dyes and birkenstocks and sat around banging on drums while complaining that everything ought to be free and defecating in the public square.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both famously died on the same day, July 4th, 1826, exactly 50 years to the day from the signing of the Declaration of Independence. John Adams’ famous last words were, “Thomas Jefferson still survives,” though, ironically, word had not reached him that Jefferson had indeed passed a mere 5 hours earlier at Monticello after muttering, mysteriously, “Wrong again, John.”

The reason so many of our Founding Fathers wore powdered wigs? They had been scalped by Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors who liked to run around claiming to be Indians and scalping anyone who laughed at them.

Your turn!

Have a safe and Happy Independence Day!

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Hatless in Hattiesburg

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15 Fun Facts About Independence Day

Wednesday, July 4, 2012 7:00 am
Independence Day is a holiday where patriots celebrate the founding of a free nation and should not be confused with any crappy, 2-hour long Jeff Goldblum commercials for Apple computers.

1) The first Independence Day in America was celebrated on July 4th, 1776, the day the Continental Congress approved the document that declared our independence from Great Britain. The war that followed lasted until 1783, so basically less messy than most divorces.

2) The major objection to being ruled by Britain was pithily summed up as “taxation without representation”. Minor objections included “British hookers aren’t lookers” and “your tea tastes like pee”.

3) Thomas Jefferson presented the first draft of the Declaration of Independence to Congress on June 28th, 1776, but it wasn’t passed, so no one ever found out what was in it.

4) Betsy Ross actually sewed the first American flag two months before Independence Day, a case of premature embroideration.

5) The first public Independence Day event at the White House occurred in 1804 during the Jefferson administration and was attended mainly by hippies accusing the President of waging war to steal oil from the Barbary pirates.

6) Before cars ruled the roadway, Independence Day was traditionally the most miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by kids who threw firecrackers at them. Think of it as a primitive version of “Angry Birds”.

7) Lewis and Clark celebrated the first Independence Day west of the Mississippi at Independence Creek near Atchison, Kansas. The main festivity consisted of throwing firecrackers at cyclones, resulting in the death of over 100 Munchkins and the Good Witch of the South.

8) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on Independence Day, 1826. Jefferson, however, managed to outlive Adams by a few minutes, thus fulfilling the tontine and securing for himself the front of both the nickel and the two dollar bill.

9) The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers from being prosecuted for treason. Not sure what Jane Fonda did to dodge that bullet.

10) In 1941, Congress declared Independence Day a federal legal holiday. It is one of the few federal holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday, due mostly to the fact that bills proposing the move are always introduced too close to the Memorial Day weekend to get acted upon.

11) Over 100 other nations besides America celebrate their own Independence Day. All of whom, ironically, are completely dependent on America to protect them militarily.

12) A large percentage of Americans also celebrate Dependence Day. Usually around the 1st of the month when the check from Uncle Sam hits the ol’ mailbox.

13) The traditional form of celebration on Independence Day is setting off illegal fireworks. If some killjoy cop tries to bust you for it, play “Angry Birds” with him.

14) Also traditional, yet less popular in modern times – writing long, bilious letters to monarchs That include random Capitalization and ftarting “s” words with the letter “f”.

15) To be safe on Independence Day, never carry fireworks in your pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers. To have fun on Independence Day, always light your fireworks with a burning sheet of safety tips.
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Have a happy Independence Day, and remember – an Independence Day parade ain’t an Independence Day parade unless it includes at least one tarred and feathered Redcoat.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Hankering for History

UPDATE: Linked by Rubino World

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15 Fun Facts About Father’s Day

Sunday, June 17, 2012 7:00 am

Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.

Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:
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Typical American Father’s Day celebration.

1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.

2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.

3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?

4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”

5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.

6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.

7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.

8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.

9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.

10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”

11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.

12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”

13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.

14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.

15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.

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Why are you still reading this? Go fetch the old man a beer, already.

Sheesh. You are SUCH a disappointment.

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Flag Day: 15 Fun Facts About the American Flag

Thursday, June 14, 2012 3:15 pm

Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies and people who use Google as their home page – nice no-doodle, commies!), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.

Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
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Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.

2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]

3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”

4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01″ door decals.

5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 52 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.

6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.

7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.

8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.

9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.

10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When President Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.

12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.

13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippy.

14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.

15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.

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And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom”.

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Frank J. Birthday Week: 15 Fun Facts About Frank J.

Monday, June 4, 2012 6:00 am

It’s Frank J.’s birthday today, and we here at IMAO will be holding a week-long celebration of his uterine expulsion anniversary.

Why a week?

Because we’re still awaiting Congressional approval to name June “National Frank J. Month”.

I blame those confounded obstructionist Republicans for keeping it bottled up in committee.

Anyway, to kick things off, here are some fun facts about the birthday boy.
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Frank demonstrates the proper technique for going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

1) Although not 1/32 Cherokee, Frank IS proud to be 33/32 improper fraction.

2) A former resident of Florida, Frank once successfully divided by zero. On November 7th, 2000. You may be familiar with the aftermath.

3) Frank once peed on a cat’s head. Never made a helicopter out of one, though.

4) As an unknown blogger, Frank accused Glenn Reynolds of blending puppies. Now he’s a marginally important author. Ya gotta wonder what filthy lie Stephenie Meyer told to get where she is today. The current scientific consensus is “sparkly vampires are interesting.”

5) As a young patent clerk, Frank developed the Theory of Relativity. He gets no credit for it, since on the one day he forgot to bring his lunch money, he was forced to give the theory away to avoid a beating at the hands of that bully Einstein.

6) Frank also invented the internet. Same story, different bully.

7) Frank owns a machine that allows him to travel to a parallel universe. Most of his “In My World” stories are plagiarized from the New York Times there, where most people know him as “Jayson B.”

8) Frank is an expert marksman, hitting his target a staggering 99.997% of the time he aims to misbehave.

9) According to WhatFrankEats.com, Frank subsists primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots. But in a pinch, he’s been known to eat woodpeckers.

10) Frank once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.

11) If Frank bites you, you become Aquaman.

12) While Frank was sequencing dinosaur DNA to make it rocket-launcher compatible, a simple typo resulted in the creation of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Remember, spellcheck is your friend.

13) Frank cast the deciding vote revoking planetary status from Pluto. Just another corrupt tool of Big Planet lobbyists.

14) Frank was the second human to win the Boonta Eve Classic pod race. Every night he sleeps in fear that George Lucas will make a movie about his journey to the Dark Side.

15) In 2006, Frank founded a bizarre, Bugs Bunny-worshiping cult, despite having never once personally missed that left turn at Albuquerque.
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So… if Lucas ever made that Frank J. movie, whaddya suppose it’d be called?

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27 Fun Facts About the Constitution

Monday, May 28, 2012 7:00 am

From the American armed services oath of enlistment:

“I, [state your name], do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.”

As a good American, it behooves you to know more about this precious document so many fought and died protecting, and thus I offer these Fun Facts About the Constitution:
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Contrary to current popular belief, does not contain an expiration date.

1) Despite a strong popular movement in the 1980′s, there was never an official ratification of the Constitutional amendment recognizing your right to party, although many people continue to fight for it to this day.

2) Four of the signers of the Constitution were born in Ireland. As such, the “secure the blessings of liberty” clause in the Preamble is generally considered to cover drinking and fighting [see "United States v. Paddy O'Tatertot," 1846]

3) The U.S. Constitution has 4,400 words. It is the oldest and shortest written Constitution of any major government in the world. North Korea’s “Shut up and obey” is shorter, but only dates from 1953.

4) Of the spelling errors in the Constitution, “Pensylvania” above the signers’ names is probably the most glaring. Of the misinterpretations, it’s Obama considering “commerce” to include “the act of not buying health insurance.”

5) The Constitution was “penned” by Jacob Shallus, a Pennsylvania General Assembly clerk, for $30, which – in today’s dollars – is about twice as much Bill Ayers got for writing Obama’s “autobiography.” Understandable, since Jacob didn’t have to make up anything about eating dogs.

6) Since 1952, the Constitution has been on display in the National Archives Building in Washington, DC. Currently, all four pages are displayed behind protective glass framed with titanium. To preserve the parchment’s quality, the cases contain argon gas and are kept at 67 degrees Fahrenheit with a relative humidity of 40 percent. It’s guarded by 10 men with strict orders to shoot Nicholas Cage on sight.

7) The Constitution does not set forth requirements for the right to vote. As a result, at the outset of the Union, only male property-owners could vote. African Americans were not considered citizens, and women were excluded from the electoral process. Native Americans were not given the right to vote until 1924. Dead people voting is not, strictly speaking, constitutional, just a time-honored Chicago tradition.

8) James Madison, “the father of the Constitution,” was the first to arrive in Philadelphia for the Constitutional Convention. He was also the first to concuss a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback with a thrown beer bottle.

9) When it came time for the states to ratify the Constitution, the lack of any bill of rights was the primary sticking point, with the unresolved question of whether Miller Lite tasted great or was less filling running a close second.

10) Because of his poor health, Benjamin Franklin needed help to sign the Constitution. As he did so, tears streamed down his face. Pansy cried at the end of “Titanic,” too.

11) The youngest person to sign the Constitution was Jonathan Dayton of New Jersey, age 26, who nearly refused since the document didn’t allow him to stay on his parents’ health insurance.

12) When the Constitution was signed, the United States’ population was 4 million. Surprisingly, 99% of the population at that time did not consist of spoiled, entitled idiots with too much free time and a desperate need for attention.

13) A proclamation by President George Washington and a congressional resolution established the first national Thanksgiving Day on November 26, 1789. The reason for the holiday was to give “thanks” for the new Constitution. This led directly to the Second Amendment right to “keep and bear turkey dinners.”

14) There was initially a question as to how to address the President, since it wasn’t mentioned in the Constitution. The Senate proposed that he be addressed as “His Highness the President of the United States of America and Protector of their Liberties.” Both the House of Representatives and the Senate compromised on the use of “President of the United States.” This was eventually shortened to “Bushitler.”

15) George Washington and James Madison were the only presidents who signed the Constitution. Counting Grover Cleveland’s two non-consecutive terms as one president, 40 more at least read it.

16) As Benjamin Franklin left the Pennsylvania State House after the final meeting of the Constitutional Convention on September 17, 1787, he was approached by the wife of the mayor of Philadelphia. She was curious as to what the new government would be. Franklin replied, “A republic, madam. If you can keep it.” Some urban legends claim he also added “or whatever tatters Obama leaves you with.”

17) Vermont ratified the Constitution on January 10, 1791, even though it had not yet become a state. Bunch of over-eager, sugar-addled syrup-swillers.

18) The word “democracy” does not appear once in the Constitution. Neither does the phrase, “knock it off, you stupid foreigners or we’ll bomb the crap out of you and steal your oil,” although most historians now agree it should have.

19) There was a proposal at the Constitutional Convention to limit the standing army for the country to 5,000 men. George Washington sarcastically agreed with this proposal as long as a stipulation was added that no invading army could number more than 3,000 troops. This later became known as “The Obama Doctrine.”

20) The delegates were involved in Constitutional debates from 10 a.m. until 3 p.m. six days a week with only a 10 day break during the duration of the convention. This is the last time a government body worked that hard without doing more harm than good.

21) From 1804 to 1865 there were no amendments added to the Constitution. This was the longest unamended period in American history. Since then, politicians have been fiddling with the Constitution like over-caffeinated ferrets twiddling with a Rubik’s Cube.

22) After the Constitution was ratified, the national government spent $4.3 million during the first session of Congress from 1789-1791. These days, that wouldn’t buy those spendthrift bastards lunch.

23) At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention in 1787, Benjamin Franklin observed the symbol of a half-sun on George Washington’s chair and remarked, “I have the happiness to know that it is a rising and not a setting sun.” Turns out an “American Day” only lasts 222 years.

24) Benjamin Franklin made a suggestion at the Constitutional Convention that the sessions be opened with a prayer. The delegates refused to accept the motion, stating that there was not enough money to hire a chaplain. Apparently they were saving up to fund development of a “sun-energized horseless-carriage.”

25) Of the 55 delegates who attended the Constitutional Convention, 34 were lawyers, 8 had signed the Declaration of Independence, and almost half were Revolutionary War veterans. All of them supported “gay marriage,” but not the kind you’re thinking of.

26) During the Constitutional Convention, Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts was opposed to the office of Vice President, saying, “the close intimacy that must subsist between the President and Vice President makes it absolutely improper.” Like I said, not the kind of gay marriage you’re thinking of.

27) The only other language besides English used in various parts of the Constitution is Latin. Although with the current President, apparently it’s all Greek to him.
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Remember, the best way to honor those who fell: enjoy their gift of being able to live as free men in a free country.

Today, I’m going with free speech.

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10 Fun Facts About Brett Kimberlin

Friday, May 25, 2012 4:24 pm

It’s Everybody Blog About Brett Kimberlin Day, and since he sues people who tell the truth about him, I’m gonna play it safe and just make stuff up:
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Oh man, those Danish cartoonists are just begging for trouble!

1) Sure, Brett may be a convicted domestic terrorist on the payroll of Democrat power players who files harrassing lawsuits against conservatives for fun and profit, but to his credit, he never ate a dog.

2) Brett’s a little irritable these days because when people hear his last name, they mistakenly assume he’s a Kardashian sister.

3) Brett’s favorite phrase is “I know where you live.” HOW a human being lives, however, is apparently above his paygrade.

4) Brett got money from the Heinz Foundation only after agreeing not to sue them for spelling it “ketchup” instead of “catsup”.

5) Brett categorically denies being 1/32 Cherokee, but has yet to comment on whether he was Harvard’s “First Person of Combustion.”

6) Brett is one the few American domestic terrorists who hasn’t written an Obama autobiography. Yet. We’ll keep an eye out at Amazon & let you know.

7) Brett has a very successful Vegas ventriloquist act, featuring his popular sidekick “Achmed“, whose catchphrase is “I SUE YOU!!!”

8) The only explosives Brett actually set up at the Indianapolis Speedway were Mentos and Diet Coke. However, things went terribly awry because, God help him, he’s just REALLY bad at chemistry.

9) I’ve seen internet rumors that Brett hangs his toilet paper “under” like some degenerate heathen, but I refuse to accuse him of something that vile without solid proof.

10) Also, no one’s ever actually SEEN Brett cry at the end of “Downfall” like normal people cry at the end of “Old Yeller.” Red eyes, runny nose, and soggy kleenex happen to allergy sufferers, too.
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I’ll give Dirty Harry the last word on Kimberlin [language warning]:


[YouTube direct link]

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Gulag Bound.

UPDATE: Linked by Flap’s Blog.

UPDATE: Linked by The Right Planet

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23 Fun Facts About Mother’s Day

Sunday, May 13, 2012 7:00 am

Forget flowers, candy, perfume, cards and brunch. All you REALLY need to make mom happy is to show her how much you know about the specialest, motherest day of the year by sharing these:
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Fun Facts About Mother’s Day

For just this one day a year, be a sweetie and don’t say anything about her jeans, ok?

1) The Mother’s Day holiday was first conceived by an American woman named Anna Jarvis in 1907, but didn’t become an official holiday until 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson’s mom finally managed to guilt him into it.

2) Mother’s Day is celebrated in 43 countries around the world. The other 153 celebrate the more traditional “Is Dinner Ready Yet Day”

3) Mother’s Day is officially designated the 2nd Sunday in May, rather than on a fixed calendar day, because if you want something fixed, you should call your dad.

4) Mothers secrete large amounts of a hormone called “oxytocin” during childbirth, which is responsible for the feeling of love a mother has for her offspring. It also spikes on those rare occasions when your clothes make it into the hamper instead of landing on a nearby patch of floor.

5) Although different languages have different words for “mother”, all of them start with the letter “M”. Except on Jerry Springer, where they usually start with “B”.

6) Mother’s Day ranks as the third most popular holiday in the world, after Christmas and Easter. It would rank higher were it not for the fact that there’s no such thing as leftover Mother’s Day candy.

7) In many Christian countries, Mother’s Day is associated with the Feast of Virgin Mary, except in America where it’s associated with the Binge of Ben & Jerry’s.

8) In Arab countries, the highlight of Mother’s Day is the “Burka Breakdance Contest.” If you’ve ever done a headspin in sand, you know how hard it is to win this thing.

9) Although mother chimpanzees, like human mothers, enjoy long-lasting relationships with their babies, they don’t celebrate Mother’s Day because their offspring are too busy plotting the Monkey Apocalypse to pick up a phone and call.

10) Maria del Carmen Bousada Lara from Spain gave birth to twin boys when she was 66 years old on December 29th, 2006, making her the world’s oldest birth-mother. On Mother’s Day 2007, she was presented with a solid chocolate rocking chair.

11) The most popular gift-flower on Mother’s Day is the red carnation. If you don’t have red carnations, most mothers will be just as happy with a nice red cabernet.

12) The Nazi government in Germany used to present an award called the Mother’s Cross on Mother’s Day to encourage women to have more children. Allied governments handed out maids & babysitters. Guess which one worked better?

13) In Paraguay, Mother’s Day is celebrated on May 15th, the Independence Day of the country, when many mothers enjoy a special treat of waking up to fireworks in bed.

14) Long ago, people in England honored their mothers with a wild, drunken day of celebration called “Mothering Sunday,” which was followed immediately by “Shhh! Mommy’s Got a Hangover Monday”.

15) The average number of children born to women over a lifetime in the US is 2.03. Coincidentally, the average number of disappointing Mother’s Day gifts a woman receives over a lifetime is… somewhat higher by several orders of magnitude.

16) There are 17,124 florists in the US. On Mother’s Day, all of them will have nothing but black-spotted, wilty, petal-dropping flowers left. Why didn’t you plan ahead, you thoughtless, ungrateful child!

17) On average, 43,000 births each year in the US occur someplace other than a hospital, which can only be blamed on the negative influence of ratings-hungry television dramas.

18) Ancient Egyptians believed that “Bast” was the mother of all cats on Earth, and that cats were sacred animals, possibly explaining why the traditional Egyptian Mother’s Day gift is a dead mouse.

19) Many of the sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on the popular television show, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, were actually knitted by his real mother. Every year on Mother’s Day, he would give her a pair of scissors and beg her to cut the apron strings.

20) Having 4 official languages, various regions of Switzerland celebrate either Muttertag, La Festa Della Mamma, Fête des Mères, or Gimme Some Damn Chocolate Day.

21) Mother’s Day is the largest card-sending day of the year. It’s also the day postal sorting machines are most likely to become jammed with macaroni and glitter.

22) In Ethiopia, Mother’s Day is celebrated by having mothers anoint themselves with butter. Just my opinion, but if they added flour, sugar, eggs, chocolate chips, and 10 minutes at 350 degrees, it’d be a much better holiday for everyone.

23) According to the most recent census, there are 85.4 million mothers in the United States. Despite all of them fondly recalling the birth of their children, all of them have, at one time or another, asked their non-door-closing offspring if they were born in a barn.
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Ya know, all 85.4 million mothers have also said, “some day you’ll thank me for this.”

And all 85.4 million of them were right.

Thanks, mom.

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UPDATE: Linked by I’m a Man, I’m 41

UPDATE: Linked by Soylent Green (NSFW)

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