In My World: Sarah Palin’s Alaska

Transcript from Sarah Palin’s Alaska.

SARAH PALIN: “Hello! Welcome to Sarah Palin’s Alaska, the show where you get to see the beauty of Alaska while we brutalize all the wildlife in it.”

PIPER PALIN: “I found a bunny rabbit in our backyard. I punched it in the face.”

SARAH: “Isn’t she precious? I try to instill in my children the values I was taught such as not letting nature push you around.”

WILLOW PALIN: “Die fish! Die!”

SARAH: “Willow is demonstrating a common technique of repeatedly whacking a fish against a rock and then throwing its corpse back in the lake. This tells fish to stay out of our way. Of course, you don’t always do that by killing things. The other day I took my Glock and knee-capped a moose. When other moose see him lying there bleeding, they’ll know not to mess with the Palins. If only the lame-stream media were that smart.”

TODD PALIN: “The new piano is here.”

SARAH: “Oh. Good. We really needed a new piano because already cut all the wire out of the last one to make garrotes. Last one I used to strangle a grizzly bear; I’m the only mama grizzly in these parts. Anyway, let me show you the guest we have downstairs in the basement.”

AARON SORKIN: “You’re a crazy redneck! I hope you die!”

SARAH: “We don’t like this person, so we kidnapped, put him in our basement, and are now waterboarding him.”

SORKIN: “You crazy… gurgle…”

SARAH: “You may wonder if that’s legal, but remember we’re really far away. Like if this were a live show — which it isn’t — and you wanted to run to his rescue, it would take you hours by plane just to get here. Plus, we’re a very large state and you’ll never find me. So essentially I’m above the law.”

SORKIN: “I’ll tell you anything!”

SARAH: “I think I — and the American people — have made it pretty clear we don’t care to hear anything you liberals have to say.”

SORKIN: “Somebody help me!”

PIPER: “That man is funny. I’ll get more water.”

SARAH: “Well, tune in next week when we drive around in a jeep trying to knock the heads off a caribou with a baseball bat. That’s the way we do things in Alaska, and if any of you have a problem with, remember that no one in my family would bat an eye at killing you.”

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In My World: Hostage Takers

President Obama answered the phone. “Hello?”

“This is the Republicans,” answered a distorted a voice. “We have someone you might want to talk to.”

On the line was a new voice. “I’m a middle class tax payer! The Republicans have taken me hostage!” she said unconvincingly. “They say they’ll raise my taxes too if taxes are raised on the rich and won’t extend my unemployment! I am very scared! Please do help me and do whatever the Republicans want!”

The Republican came back on the line. “So, to show you we’re serious–”

“I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!” Obama screamed.

There was a long pause on the phone. “Really?”

“Yes; whatever. Just write it down, and I’ll do it.”

“Oh… okay. Cool.”

Obama hung up the phone and announced, “We’re doing whatever the Republicans want.”

“Why?” one of his aides asked.

“Because they have the middle class hostage… or something.”

“No they don’t,” the aide said. “We still have the majority and they don’t have any leverage. Their hostage was probably just Michelle Bachman acting. We can defeat them if–”

“Whatever you’re proposing sounds hard,” Obama interrupted, “and my tee time is coming up soon.”

“Fine. But you’re going to really anger the left-wing,” the aide said.

“We’re really angry!” screeched a high pitch voice.

Obama looked down to see the left-wing down at this feet, shaking their tiny fists up at him.

“We’re going to challenge you in the primary!” the left-wing shrieked.

“Sure you are.” Obama grabbed a wastebasket and overturned it over the left-wing, trapping them inside. “There, I took care of them.”

The left-wing banged their tiny fists on the wastebasket. “Lets us out!”

“I’ll do it later,” Obama told them, “and then you’ll be so grateful to me.” He turned to his aide. “So just write me up some speech saying the Republicans are hostage takers and I had to give in to their demands — but mention that terrorists shouldn’t learn anything from that. And then add that thing we’re always mindlessly repeating about how tax cuts creating jobs.”

“Republicans are the ones that say that.”

“Whatever. Just use it. And add that though we didn’t defeat the rich today, we’ll do it one day and make sure no one has money. Off to play golf!” He then left the room.

“We hate him now!” the left screeched.

The aide kicked the wastebasket. “Shut up! No one cares!”

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In My World: Excerpts from Bush’s Memoir

Here are some excerpts from George W. Bush’s new book Decision Points:

The close election in 2000 was quite a surprise. I didn’t know why we needed a recount, though, since I already won the count. Couldn’t we just go by the count? I guess it all worked out for the best for both of us, though, with me as president and with Gore ranting about ecological disaster while stuffing his face full of Ho Hos. I never did see his movies, but know what I did see? Iron Man. That was a great movie!

It was always a good idea to listen to Karl Rove. He just knows so many things like what election strategies work in which districts, how to get our people out to vote, what a soul tastes like…

Never quite cared for the White House Press Corps. They say there is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people, I just wish there were less stupid people there. Also, I wish their questions weren’t so stupid. I tried coming up with nicknames for them all to be more friendly with them, but I ended up just calling them all “dumbass.”

When people said I was lying about Iraq, I got really worried. But it ends up no one did figure out there is no such place as Iraq.

One of the most controversial things Donald Rumsfeld asked for was to nuke the U.N. Headquarters to “show the world what happens to incompetent fools who waste our time.” He also asked the same thing of the DNC headquarters. He was such wacky fun. Incidentally, the day after he left office, we noticed one nuke was missing from our stockpiles.

I’d say the biggest mistake of my presidency was getting into Lost and expecting the plot to go anywhere.

Though it was an accident when Cheney shot someone in the face, he really didn’t need to be carrying his shotgun around at all time and he didn’t need to be constantly pointing it at people’s faces.

When I first met Barrack Obama, I tried to be as nice as possible. Eventually, I just had to ask why he had a bucket on his head. That was a big mistake. He started shouting, “Obviously, I was curious whether my head would fit in inside it and then it ended up getting stuck! You are very stupid not to know that! Very very stupid!” He then tried storming out, but walked into a wall and then fell down some stairs. If I had videotape of it, it would be on the YouTubes.

One of the worst incidents of my presidency was when Kanye West said during a fundraiser that I don’t “care about black people.” Of course, I was standing right next to him at the time, and I said to him, “Well, my fist cares about your face!” and then I started beating him up. Then people started yelling, “Look! The president is beating up a black person!” It was a big mess. Still, after the event, Kanye West and I headed to Denny’s to get dinner and made up. We’ve been fast friends since.

When I finally left the White House, the last thing I did was say good bye to Harry Reid one last time, tossing him out the window while calling him a miserable old failure. He always made the funniest sounds when he hit the ground.

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In My World: Visit to India

“And the teleprompter is blank, which means that’s the end of my remarks on why I am so awesome and you wish I could be your leader,” President Obama said to his audience in India. “Any questions?”

“Why have your own people rejected you?” one of the Indian reporters asked.

“Because they’re racist,” Obama answered. “You should have heard some of the awful slurs they said about you… oh, wait; that was Biden.”

“Do you consider the U.S. and India strong allies?” another reporter asked.

“We certainly do, and I want you to know I will stand strong with you against your enemies the cowboys.”

“That’s the other type of Indian.”

“Oh. Well who are your enemies?”

“Jihadists.”

Obama shook his head. “That’s too bad. I’m against cowboys; I would have helped you against them. But I’ll tell you the same thing I tell people in the U.S. who are concerned with jihadists: Shut up you hillbilly racist. Next question.”

“Is it true that this trip is costing $200 million a day?”

Obama chuckled. “That’s what I had them budget, but I’m getting cheaper hotels so it only costs me $150 million a day. I’m going to make out like a bandit on per diem. Any more questions?”

“What economic advice do you have?”

Obama shrugged. “Oh wow; I dunno. I was kind of coming of here hoping you guys had some jobs we could take.”

“No, we pretty much just take jobs from the U.S.”

“Oh.” Obama thought for a moment. “Well, could you stop doing that?”

“No.”

“Well, I guess that’s all the time I have. Now, I’m going to try to get you guys on the U.N. Security Council, but it really help if you write a long essay on the advantages of inaction. Also, try to make it clear you’re not Jews. Guess I’ll head home now, though there is nothing really to do there… Hey, would you guys like to have expensive legislation you don’t want rammed down your throat?”

“No.”

Obama frowned. “There’s no place in the world left for me.”

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In My World: Stopping the Oil Leak

“I’m here to stop the oil leak!” President Obama announced as he approached the oil-soaked beach.

“Oh,” the BP official said, “I didn’t think you were going to help.”

“I have been helping,” Obama said, “I’ve been yelling at you to do better. That’s a sort of helping. But then I thought of a way to stop the oil leak for good. Know what that method is?”

“Well… I guess we could–”

“Science!” Obama shouted gleefully. “I thought maybe we could use Science! to stop it.”

“Actually, we’ve been using–”

“I got all the best scientific minds together,” Obama continued, “and they were like, ‘Stop bothering us, Obama!’ Then they made fun of my ears. They were mean scientists and I don’t like them anymore. But in the end, Professor Science! agreed to come and use Science! to stop the oil leak.”

A man in an impressive white lab coat holding a test tube approached the shore. “It is I: Professor Science!, and I will stop this leak using… Science!”

“Yay!” Obama exclaimed, clapping his hands together excitedly.

“Now stand back, laymen,” Professor Science! said. “Make room for… Science!” Professor Science! approached the shore and held his test tube high. “By the power of Science!, I command the leak to stop!”

Everyone was silent for a few moments, waiting to see if anything happened. “Did it work?” Obama finally asked.

“The Science! on whether an oil leak is slowing is… complicated,” Professor Science! said, “but I think it’s… um… yeah, it’s slowing.”

“Yay for Science!” Obama shouted. “Well, I guess we’re done here. I’m going to go to Arizona now and yell at them for being racist.” He started heading away with Professor Science, telling him, “I read that it was racist on the internet.”

“The internet was made with Science!”

“Wow!”

Alone on the shore, the BP official bowed his head. “I wish I thought of using Science!.”

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In My World: Ticking Time Bomb

This blog post was written in real time.

Barack Obama walked into the Oval office and turned on the lights. He then heard the door slam behind him. He turned around to see a grizzled-looking man. “Who are you?”

“Mr. President, I am former CTU agent Jack Bauer.”

“Oh, thank me,” Obama sighed. “I thought you were a teabagger.”

“I’m here to tell you about a grave threat to this country.”

“Why did you have to sneak in like this? Couldn’t you have gone through official channels?”

“Sir, I didn’t have time.”

“Couldn’t you have texted me?”

“I didn’t have time — I’m really bad at texting. Takes me like ten minutes for a simple reply.”

“Then how do you update your Twitter feed?”

“Sir, we’re getting off topic. There is a threat to this nation from either nuclear or biological weapons… or possibly biological weapons that are radioactive.”

Obama gasped. “That sounds bad!”

“It is very bad, sir.”

“Any idea where this attack might take place?”

“Usually, terrorist attacks occur in the LA area, but that’s started to change in the past few years.”

Obama shook his head. “I don’t like going to LA; I always get attacked by cougars there.”

“I am not surprised. Anyway, to find the details on this attack, I need to use harsh interrogation techniques against a known terrorist we’ve detained. I wanted to get your permission for that.”

Obama thought for a moment. “Alright. If the situation is that dire, I’ll allow you to loudly shout at him.”

“Sir, this will take more than shouting.”

“You want to slap his belly? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.”

“I was thinking of a lot more than belly slapping.”

“If you’re suggesting waterboarding, there is no way I’m approving that.”

“Sir, I warm up with waterboarding.”

Obama frowned. “Torture is wrong; you are a bad man. This is why people like me hate America.”

“Sir, I know there is a lot of pressure on you as this nation’s third black president — and the first who isn’t a Palmer — and it has to be scary knowing the last half-dozen presidents all ended up either dead or in prison…”

“I’m hoping for prison!”

“We all are. Anyway, I know there must be a lot of pressure on you, and this must offend your sensibilities, but there is literally a ticking time bomb out there–”

“I would think time bombs these days would use digital timers.”

“Excuse me?”

“They would use digital timers, so there wouldn’t be any ticking. Thus you used the word ‘literally’ incorrectly. I’m very smart.”

“Sir, once again, I think you’re focusing on the wrong things. Tens of thousands of people could die unless I get the information out of that terrorist.”

“Well, Jack, tens of thousands of people die from car accidents each year, so I don’t know why you want me to get all worked up over that. Here’s what I’ll do, though. I’ll release a bunch of prisoners from Gitmo, and we’ll see if that will impress the terrorist enough to talk.”

“This is a man who thinks nothing of murdering children; I sincerely doubt he’ll talk out of the goodness of his heart.”

Obama rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know; you red-staters just want to hurt all the bad men and think that solves everything. Instead of torturing, though, have you ever tried to be his friend? Maybe give him a hug?”

“A hug will not do anything, sir.”

“Maybe you’re hugging wrong. Here, give me a hug so I can see how you’re doing it.”

“Mr. President, I never put my arms around another man without him ending up dead afterward.”

“I don’t think this conversation is going anywhere. Here’s what I’ll do for you, Jack: I’ll try to make sure you have a fair trial for even suggesting torture. I’ll probably have to make an example out of you, though; I don’t want the rest of the world thinking we let people like you still run around.”

The door opened and Joe Biden walked in. “Hey, I just wanted to–”

Bauer immediately got Biden in a choke hold and choked him unconscious.

“Hey! That was the vice president! And the doctors have already been saying he’s not getting enough oxygen to his brain!”

“I’m well aware of who he is, sir; I just didn’t have time to explain things to him.”

“What’s it with you and not having enough time? Sounds like you just need better time management.”

“I’ll take that under advisement. Anyway, I guess I’ll just have to pursue this without your permission. Before I go, though, I want to warn you that I think there is a mole in your administration undermining you from the inside.”

“Really? I thought that was just incompetence.”

Bauer thought about that. “Yeah, I guess that is the more likely explanation.”

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In My World: Not Smart Honky

President Obama stood before the press next to Senator Reid. “I want you to know that I fully forgive Reid for his remarks about my skin color and black dialect–”

“‘Negro’ dialect,” Reid corrected.

“Yes, that. Anyway, he is forgiven and we can get away from this distraction to the important business of the American people.”

Obama and Reid then headed into the White House. As soon as they were inside and the doors were closed, Obama started violently smacking Reid about the head. “Dumb honky!”

“Ahh! Why are you so angry?!” Reid cried. “Was your welfare check late?”

Obama smacked Reid even harder. “For the last time, it’s a government paycheck, not a welfare check! Dumb honky! Now get out of here!”

Reid started to flee for the door, but stopped just before leaving and quickly pulled his wallet out of his suit jacket and then put it back.

Obama ran over and started smacking him again. “Did you just check whether your wallet was still there? Dumb honky! Every time I try to do anything, there always has to be honkies ruining it!”

Reid kept trying to cover his head. “This is why I’m scared of black people!”

Obama kept smacking him. “You only think you’re scared! I will make you scared! Now get out of here!”

Reid got out the door and ran off. Then Vice President Biden entered the room. “Mr. President, we need–”

Obama ran over and started smacking Biden. “Dumb honky!”

“What did I say?!”

Obama kept smacking him. “Nothing yet, but knowing you, you were about to so I decided I might as well get started.”

“You’re crazier than a yellow chinaman!”

“DUMB HONKY!”

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In My World: Obama’s Priorities

“I’ve called this 568th prime time address of my presidency because I think there are some important things I still need to explain to you, the American people. Job losses continue, and unemployment stays at 10%. Also, it appears that terrorism remains a grave concern. I know all of you want me to focus completely on these issues, but let me be clear: This isn’t about you.

“Who was elected president? That’s right: I was. Me. Me me me me me. Ego — that’s Latin for ‘I’. That’s why we’re focusing on things I care about like big social programs like health care and environmental issues like cap & trade. I tried to tie those into the issues you care about claiming they’ll help the economy and create jobs, but I know none of us really believe that so I’m just going to stop with that. Instead, I’m going to be frank with you and say that I don’t care about the economy and I don’t care about terrorism.

“Terrorism and job losses are hold over from the Bush years. If you have a problem with them, go ask him to solve them… or Cheney — he still seems to care. I don’t. I never did. For one thing, unemployment is carbon neutral; why would I want to harm the environment by seeing people go back to work? And I don’t even believe in terrorism; I think that’s just something Bush, Cheney, and Haliburton made up. This whole ‘Islamic extremism’ thing just doesn’t seem real. Have you even read the Quran? It looks pretty made up. So I don’t know why you expect me to do something about this made up problem. I thought I made it pretty clear I don’t care about it at all when I appointed Janet Napalitano as Secretary of Homeland Security.

“So, in conclusion, shut up shut up shut up. Stop bothering me with your stupid problems. I don’t care. I have my progressive agenda to do, and that’s what I’m doing. And stop making fun of me because I walked into a window the other day. Everyone is saying I don’t know the difference between a door and a window and I’m stupid, but that is false. I just couldn’t see clearly because I had a bucket stuck on my head, so you’re the stupid ones.

“Thank you.”

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In My World: Negotiation with Iran

President Obama approached Ahmadinejad. “Thank you for agreeing to meet and talk with me.” He then bowed to him.

“What the hell are you doing?” Ahmadinejad asked.

“I’m… uh…”

“Have some self respect, man!”

Obama stood back up. “I got you an iPod.”

Ahmadinejad grabbed it greedily. “Neato.”

“It’s got my speeches on it.”

Ahmadinejad hit some buttons on it. “I already deleted them. I got you this.” He handed Obama a little bag.

Obama looked it over. “A bag of rubber bands. Uh… thanks.”

They sat down at at the meeting table. “I just want to say how much more I like you than Bush,” Ahmadinejad said. “That guy was an idiot.”

“And I apologize for him and for my country. You don’t have to worry about that thuggishness anymore, though.”

“I’m glad to hear it. You are a very good man, Obama.”

He smiled. “Thanks. Anyway, I guess I should get right to it. Since we’re in a new era and can trust each other, could you do me a solid and not make nuclear weapons?”

Ahmadinejad was silent for a a while, thinking it over. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no.”

“But…”

“The answer is no. I’ve already told everybody I’m going to make nuclear weapons, and I don’t want to be a liar. You understand, right?”

“I guess…”

“And North Korea is working on them, and that guy there is a poofter. If he gets nuclear missiles and I don’t, what will people think of me. It’s an appearances thing you see.”

Obama nodded. “Well, I guess it’s not too bad if it’s just for appearances. Could you at least promise me you won’t use them on Israel?”

Ahmadinejad consider it for a few seconds. “I’m going to have to pass on that.”

“It’s just that…”

“We’re kinda getting into private Iranian affairs here,” Ahmadinejad explained. “I like you and everything, but this really isn’t your business.”

“Okay, I see. Could I at least come away from this meeting with your personal guarantee you won’t use nuclear weapons on America?”

Ahmadinejad thought about that for a few moments. “We’ll consider it. I’ll talk about it with the others, and… well, we’ll see.”

“Thanks… I guess. I think we made some progress. It was great talking to you.”

“And I have to say once again how grateful I am that America elected you and got rid of stupid Bush. I like you much better. All the world leaders agree.”

“Glad to hear it.” Obama stood up and offered his hand to Ahmadinejad.

“Eh… I don’t want to touch you.”

“Uh… okay.” Obama turned to leave and looked out the window. “Where did my car go?”

“We liked it so we took it,” Ahmadinejad said. “You can walk back.”

“You took my car?”

“It’s just how things are here. No big deal. Have a nice walk.”

Obama headed out the door and turned to his Secret Service agent. “I think that went well. World leaders certainly respect me.”

“I’m not your friend; don’t talk to me.”

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In My World: Doing a Lot and Doing It Poorly

Rahm Emanuel entered the Oval Office. “You might want to take things a little slower, Obama.”

“I know exactly what I’m doing!” President Obama shouted.

“Well, the stock market is diving every time you speak, and it’s not like your meeting with the Prime Minister of Britain went well.”

* * * *

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, President Obama,” Gordon Brown said as he entered the Oval Office.

“It is a pleasure to meet me,” Obama said very matter of factly. “Everyone wants to meet me. I’m very popular.”

“Yes, well, I wanted to give you these gifts as an offer of friendship. Here is a pen holder carved from the wood of the sister ship of from which your desk is made.”

“A wooden pen holder?” Obama said angrily. “I can hold my own pens! I’m a genius!”

Brown was a bit taken aback. “Yes… well… Here is a seven volume biography of Winston Churchill.”

Obama scrunched his face. “I don’t know who that is or why I should care about him. Anyway, I guess I should give you something…” Obama rummaged through a desk drawer. “Here are twenty-five classic American movies.”

Brown looked through them. “Deuce Bigalow? Naked Gun 33 and a 1/3? These are from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart… and there is only seven of them.”

“Hey! At least one of those is a Must Love Dogs/You’ve Got Mail double feature!”

“Oh, okay…”

“You’re ungrateful!” Obama screamed. “You’ve met the one and only Obama and you’re ungrateful!”

“No, I’m very thankful…”

“I declare war on you! War! WAAAAAR!”

“Please… don’t… I… um… Are you… high?”

* * * *

“We’re you?” Rahm asked.

Obama stared down at his desk and didn’t answer.

“Could you stop snorting coke long enough to answer me!”

“Hey! I’m just doing enough to take the edge off. And I don’t think I did as bad at foreign affairs as Hillary who’s supposed to be so much more experienced!”

* * * *

“Here’s is a reset button to reset the American-Russian relationship.” Hillary handed Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov a red button on a yellow box.

“Um… it doesn’t say reset.”

“Yes it does,” Hillary stated. “My people are very smart and that’s the Russian word they came up with for reset.”

“I know Russian and it doesn’t say reset.”

“It says reset!” Hillary snapped.

“I’m a native speaker of Russian, and–”

Hillary leaped at him and grabbed his throat. “How dare you contradict me! How about I push a big red button and reset your whole @#$% country!”

* * * *

“At least Gibbs explained things to the press very nicely,” Obama said.

“He’s ended his last three press conferences curled in a ball, crying, and wetting himself.”

“That’s Gibbs!” Obama chuckled. “Anyway, I have a new list of enemies I want him to call out. I was looking through some blogs and blog comments, and I wrote down everyone who criticized me. I want him to personally name them and call them traitors. I’ll teach CoolDude447 to call me ‘teh ghey’!”

“I’m not really sure we should be spending time on that,” Rahm said.

“If other things need to get done, can’t you have my vice president what’s-his-name handle it?”

“Biden barely has enough brain power to remember to breathe on a regular basis.”

“Whatever. Soon my troubles with my enemies will be over. I even have troops looking for Rush Limbaugh right now in the mountains on the border of Pakistan.”

“Um… they’re not looking for Limbaugh.”

“But I thought I heard they were looking for America’s number one enemy?”

“They’re looking for Osama,” Rahm explained, “and we’ve had trouble retasking them to anything else.”

* * * *

Buck the Marine got a call on his radio. “Buck here.”

“Buck, you have an order from Obama.”

“I’m already looking for Osama,” Buck answered.

“No, it’s an order from Obama.”

“I don’t take orders from terrorists.”

“No, Obama, in D.C.”

“Osama is in Washington D.C.! He must be up to something big!”

“No, President Obama.”

“Osama has taken over the country and declared himself leader?” Buck exclaimed. “Don’t worry; I’ll lead the resistance from the outside the country.”

“Yeah… um… you do that.”

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