I don’t think Obama has been a very good leader. To be a good leader, you have to command respect, and Obama has failed at that. Let me count the ways.

TOP TEN SIGNS OBAMA DOESN’T COMMAND RESPECT

10. Anytime Obama calls on Congress, they see it’s him through caller ID and let it go to voice mail.

9. There’s been a pirate ship menacing tourists in the reflecting pool in D.C. for a week, and so far nothing has been done.

8. In his last meeting with Iran, no one heard Obama, as they were all too busy refining uranium.

7. The Secret Service has Obama open their mail for them to make sure it’s safe.

6. Every time Obama orders his dog Bo to do something, Bo later craps in one of Obama’s shoes. Similar situation with Joe Biden.

5. Obama asked to be on FOX News, but only Red Eye would take him.

4. The White House tour guides are always ordering him to clean stuff.

3. “The Red Button” placed in the Oval Office only activates the kitchen garbage disposal.

2. When Obama visited a classroom, the kids mistook his purpose there and kept asking him to make balloon animals.

And the number one sign that Obama doesn’t command respect…

(more…)

So I was reading this Spectator piece from Jeri Thompson, which mentions the fact that Obama’s Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Manufacturing, Nicole Lamb-Hale, was a bankruptcy lawyer.

This line caught my eye:

What kind of message does a President send when he puts a bankruptcy lawyer in charge of the manufacturing sector? It’s comparable to appointing a tax cheat to run the Treasury… oh… wait… never mind.

and it got me thinking about what else putting a bankruptcy lawyer in charge of manufacturing is like:

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“I’m available for Bar Mitzvahs”

* Putting a thunderstorm in charge of your campfire.

* Having a divorce lawyer officiate your wedding ceremony.

* Hiring a demolition crew to build your house.

* Picking Lindsay Lohan as your AA sponsor.

* Putting the Orkin man in charge of your apiary.

* Putting Jack Kevorkian in charge of the retirement home industry.

* Putting a lawn mower in charge of your flower garden.

* Hiring Tiger Woods to teach kids about abstinence.

* Having George Lucas direct your epic space opera prequels.

* Letting a porcupine guard your condoms.

* Putting Harry Reid in charge of your Negro Black History Month celebration.

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What would YOU compare Obama’s masterpiece of tone-deaf appointeeism to?

I thought it would be appropriate to dig Frank J’s “Know Thy Enemy: Canada” out of the archives so that it can be enjoyed by a new generation of IMAO readers.

And also by the old generation, who, sadly, is afflicted with Alzheimer’s and completely forgot they read this in 2004.

---

Canada always seemed to be too inconsequential to be an enemy, but I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about Canada to see for sure if our neighbor to the north can be trusted.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.

* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.

* That happens usually three times a year.

* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.

* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”

* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.

* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.

* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.

* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.

* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.

* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.

* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.

* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.

* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.

* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.

* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.

* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.

* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.

* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.

* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.

* Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.

* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.

* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.

* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.

* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.

* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.

* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.

* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.

* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?

* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.

* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”

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Vice President Bidenda

Honorable Senator and professional grumpy old man Arlen Specter angrily told Congresswoman Michele Bachmann to “act like a lady” when she interrupted him during a radio talk show interview.

I ain’t Miss Manners, but that seems a little inappropriate for a discussion between duly elected Congresscritters.

Wonder what’s prodding old Switchin’ Specter’s irritable bowels to get him in such a huff?

I speculate thusly:

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“Shut up, toots! I’m talkin’!… now… the important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time…”

* Not used to having women talk back to him. Heck, he’s still getting used to the notion of pushbuttons on his telephone.

* Kids on his lawn again, and him not sitting in his favorite yellin’ chair.

* Feeling conflicted – yeah, Kennedy’s seat went to a Republican, but at least their ain’t some broad sitting in it.

* Hates that every new invention starts with a lower case “i”. Misses the days when the prefix “electro” was cat’s pajamas.

* Still upset that Barbara Boxer got called “ma’am“, instead of the proper honorific, “Little Missy”.

* Wet Depends

* Bachmann is a German name, and it’s just too soon to start trusting the Krauts again.

* Really, really misses Rosebud.

* Not barefoot – fine. Not pregnant – fine. Couldn’t she have at least called that radio show from her kitchen?

* Once jilted by a flapper named “Michele”

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Anyone else care to venture a guess?

Brian of Snapped Shot (who I get a lot of lolterizt! pictures from) started a new blog called “_______ Is A Test For Obama“, to catalog the overuse of the phrase by the MSM – inspired mostly by its use relating to picking up a Nobel Prize.

Sadly, the site died quickly, because the MSM is, for some reason, putting a moratorium on the phrase “test for Obama”.

Here’s the trend – Jan 2006 to Dec 2009 on top, Jan to Dec 2009 on the bottom:

Funny… if picking up a Nobel Prize was a test, you’d think that only missing a terror bombing through dumb luck, inept chemistry, and a surly Dutchman would qualify.

So obviously the UnderBomber incident wasn’t a test. Then what WAS it?

Complete the sentence “The UnderBomber incident was _______ for Obama”.

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* a loogie in the soup

* a wedgie

* the one time Chris Matthews’s leg didn’t tingle

* a black eye

* Please ignore that last item, as use of the word “black” in reference to Obama is racist.

* “First Black president” is ok, though.

* “First Negro president”… not so much.

* Unless it’s said by someone from the census bureau.

* the sound of John McCain saying “I told you so”

* a real-life lolbama!

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The test for YOU is to complete the sentence in the comments. Do not fail.

Another day, another terrorist, another airplane.

Also, another passenger having to do all the work of subduing this turd. You’d think by now that every airline flight would include at least one non-Muslim ex-Special Forces guy with a loaded Glock and a bellyful of unresolved anger management issues.

In response to this latest attack, the airlines have vowed to keep America safer by… randomly inconveniencing passengers:

Passengers on a flight from New York to Tampa Saturday morning were also told they must remain in their seats and couldn’t have items in their laps, including laptops and pillows.

[...]

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said [...] the measures “are designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same thing everywhere.”

Um… ok… the guy’s got explosives in his underwear, so they take away… pillows… and laptops.

Now passengers can’t nap and they can’t play Solitaire. People are going to start blowing up planes out of sheer boredom.

But if the goal is irritated passengers, I might as well offer some helpful suggestions:

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“I specifically asked for the vegetarian meal!”

* In-flight movie: An Inconvenient Truth. Added bonus – the audio track has a half-second lag

* Stewardesses who speak only Lithuanian.

* Have the Captain actually turn off the NO SMOKING sign, but if someone tries to light up, announce that it’s Opposite Day.

* Hire undercover midgets to scream, cry, and kick the back of people’s seats.

* Smallpox infected blankets

* Overhead Thunderdome compartments – “Two bags enter, one bag leaves”.

* Airsickness bags not changed unless full

* Hitting stewardess call button triggers playing of “Poker Face“. Endless loop. No “off” option.

* People not paying attention during the safety lecture will be beaten with the demo seatbelt.

* Safety lecture now includes directions for putting out flaming Muslim underpants.

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Any other theories on what changes the airlines will make?

Since Obama got elected, we’ve been reading this story every month or so, with slight variations:

Smith & Wesson is expecting sales to rise by 30 per cent to $102 million in the first quarter of the next financial year, after growing by more than 13 per cent this year to $335 million.

At Sturm and Ruger, sales for the third quarter hit $71.2 million, up 70 per cent from the same period last year. At Glock, the leader in law enforcement markets, pistol sales rose by 71 per cent in the first quarter of the financial year for 2010, in comparison with the same period last year.

Now the FBI says there’s been a drop in the crime rate, and ABC News thinks it’s because of…

Cops with computers:

Professor James Alan Fox, a criminologist at Northeastern University, said police have been more targeted in recent years on repeat offenders and high-crime areas, often using computers.

Yeah, sure, it’s all about the SCMODS.

Since they’re not going to connect the dots, I’ll just toss off some half-assed suggestions as to why crime may have dipped. And, stupid as they are, they’re STILL better guesses than what the torpid teleprompter-readers at ABC threw out there:

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Is America safe for kittens again?

* Criminals imagine that by doing nothing, they could win a Nobel Peace Prize, just like Obama.

* Can’t get to the liquor store to rob it because the streets are packed with two feet of Gore Effect Global Warming.

* Shortage of criminals due to a vast swath of them “going legit” as Obama’s Czars.

* Obama must’ve passed a bill designed to increase crime.

* ACORN lost its funding.

* Crime now uncool since iPhone doesn’t have an app for that.

* Death of Michael Jackson to blame for decrease in number of Smooth Criminals.

* Combination of the popularity of the Snuggie, and the fact that it has no pocket for your gun.

* Illegal activity is no longer counted as a “crime”, it’s counted as “creating or saving a cop’s job”.

* It’s not going down! It’s going up! We have the hockey-stick graph to prove it! Global Criming is REAL!

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So tell me… why do YOU think crime is down?

[conceptual hat tip: Dylan]
I know Obama prefers burgers, but I’m guessing that he ate a lot of Chinese food on his recent trip.

I also assume that Chinese Chinese food comes with a fortune cookie, just like American Chinese food.

Which leads to the obvious speculative query: what fortunes did Obama get in his fortune cookies?

I speculate thusly:

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* You do good job! Take a bow!

* If you have bad news to break, leave town and let Holder guy do it.

* You look better wearing Mao jacket. Everyone look better wearing Mao jacket. Whole world wear Mao jacket soon!

* You will try something new – a terrorist in New York City.

* China cold like Chicago. Bring heavy coat.

* Save lives. Make Biden walk.

* Prosperity is coming. Just tax it until it go away.

* Why you let wife go out in public dressed like that?

* Today you meet friend from long ago. Tomorrow you throw him under bus.

* Seriously, where birth certificate?

---

If you’ve gone through Obama’s trash recently and found any of his old fortune cookie fortunes, feel free to share in the comments.

Three of these were actually counted on the government’s report of the number of jobs “created or saved” by the stimulus package.

The rest might as well be.

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“Before/After – no more wallowing in freakish misery.”

* Getting Nancy Pelosi the reconstructive surgery needed to stop people from describing her face as “had a swordfight ‘To The Pain‘ and lost”.

* Hiring people to fill out the government paperwork on how many jobs you created with your stimulus money

* Hitting on college freshmen (just the hot chicks).

* Buying cars for a Driver’s Ed class.

* Giving the baby-sitter a raise.

* Putting even MORE chocolate chips in Chips Ahoy! cookies.

* Requiring road construction projects to employ both primary and back-up “shovel leanin’ guys”.

* Shopping cart repair for homeless people.

* Lawnmower drag race pit crew.

* Re-felting old muppets.

* Upgrading the nation’s energy grid to allow it to receive power directly from the Energizer Bunny.

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Feel free to chime in with the fruits of your own research, as commenting on IMAO counts as creating or saving a job.

Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!:

The Vatican said it will make it far easier for disgruntled Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, in one of Rome’s most sweeping gestures to a Protestant church since the Reformation.

A newly created set of canon laws, known as an “Apostolic Constitution,” will clear the way for entire congregations of Anglican faithful to join the Catholic Church.

This is just crazy. Unless the Pope is going to reverse his position on quickie divorces for English Kings, I don’t see how this can work.

I mean, come on… what’s next on the “improbable mash-ups” list?:

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* IMAO & Daily Kos

* Irresistable Forces & Immovable Objects

* Fred Thompson & John Edwards

* Rush Limbaugh & Nancy Pelosi

* Smooth & Chunky peanut butter – It’s SMUNKY!

* Obama & decisive action

* Anita Dunn & Ayn Rand

* Barney Frank & Ann Coulter

* McDonalds & The Louvre… oh, wait…

* Michelle Obama & fashion sense

* Sausage McMuffins & donuts

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What’s on YOUR list?

Update – video link changed from YouTube to CBS due to error message at original

[CBS News direct link]

“I have to say, why people hate you? And, and, why, you, they ‘posed to love you, and God is love, and…”

Since I am a people, I feel eminently qualified to answer this question.

Please note that I’m speaking strictly for myself, since other, equally-qualified people of peopleness may have differing reasons for hating the player instead of the game.

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* He has big, flapping, sticky-out chimp ears, but I’m not allowed to CALL them “chimp” ears, because that’s [mocking, high-pitched voice] “raaaacist!”

* For the same reason I hated Bill Clinton – he married a bitter, shrewish harridan who is unencumbered by even a tincture of fashion sense.

* His communications director can call Mao a “political philosopher” with a straight face.

* He said, regarding the boy asking the question, “I’m gonna let him use my special mike”. Didn’t his safe schools czar say that, too?

* I just can’t forgive Obama for saying that slavery had its merits. I mean, I understand he was speaking off the cuff and was just trying to make a larger point and everyone gaffes once in a while, but damn… there IS a line, dude.

* The constant televised speeches that pre-empt crappy network programs so that I have to listen to people who actually watch that garbage whine about how they couldn’t watch their shows. Read a book, people!

* He DIDN’T really caboose-check that Brazillian chick. Is he a freakin’ eunuch?

* He’d look completely awesome with an Evil Spock goatee, but he refuses to grow one.

* He wasted perfectly good sodium silicate in destroying the engines of Cash for Clunkers trade-ins, instead of using it for its correct purpose: Magic Rocks.

* He’s a f@#$ing socialist.

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Since nobody else hates Obama, I don’t expect there will be any comments on this post, but if you want to hate me for being a hater, have at it.

P.S. I also hate the media outlets that decided to put a grammar-corrected version of the kid’s words in quotes instead of quoting what he ACTUALLY said (like *ahem* I did).

“Republican” Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina says that the GOP will not be “the party of the angry white guys.”

As an angry white guy, I feel both hurt and disenfranchised.

So, to challenge this Republican exclusionaryismness, I say we form the Angry White Guy Party.

Now, I know that no third party has actually done squat since the Republicans took out the Whigs in 1856, but I think that if we got a few celebrities on board, we might stand a chance. Here’s my list of potential candidates:

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Jack Bauer

Campaign slogan: “I have killed two people since midnight, I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. So maybe… maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are right now.”

Snake Plissken

Campaign slogan: “When I get back, I’m going to kill you.”

Master Chief

Campaign slogan: “I was gonna shoot my way out. Mix things up a little.”

Martin Riggs

Campaign slogan: “You think I’m crazy? You call me crazy, you think I’m crazy? You wanna see crazy?”

John McClane

Campaign slogan: “Yippee-ki-yay”

Indiana Jones

Campaign slogan: “Never bring a knife to a gunfight.”

John Rambo

Campaign slogan: “Nothing is over!”

James Braddock

Campaign slogan: “You really didn’t think I’d leave… without making sure you were dead?”

Harry Callahan

Campaign slogan: “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

Duke Nukem

Campaign slogan: “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum… and I’m all outta gum.”

Xander Cage

Campaign slogan: “Have you ever been punched in the face for talking too much?”

Chris

Campaign slogan: “It’s ok, MSNBC says I’m white”

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Anyone else we should try to get involved? Please include a campaign slogan, if possible.

Everyone knows that real peace only comes through strength.

Or possibly superior firepower.

Careful aim helps, too.

Anyway, these fine folks put the bitch-slap on the forces of mayhem and chaos, so I’m nominating them for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize:

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Name: James Pickett
Headline: 80-Year-Old John Wayne Fan Puts Attacker In Hospital
Money Quote: “I think I’m a ten times better shot than and he is… But they best not come back,” said Pickett.

*****

Name: August Peters
Headline: Man, 74, Shoots Carjacker, 18
Money Quote: Baltazar, wearing a ski mask, put a knife to Peters’ throat and told the man to hand over his keys. Peters got back in his car, pulled out a gun and and fired twice — hitting Baltazar once in the stomach.

*****

Name: Bradley Harvell
Headline: 82-year-old Man Kills Home Invasion Suspect
Money Quote: “I reached down [...] and got a pistol that I had down there. A 357 magnum pistol that I’ve had for years and I brought it out and I shot him,” said Harvell.

*****

Name: Willie Lee Hill
Headline: Man, 93, Shoots Violent Robber
Money Quote: Covered in blood, Hill regained consciousness a short time later and pulled a .38-caliber handgun on his attacker. The suspect, Douglas B. Williams Jr., saw the gun and charged the man, who fired a bullet that struck Williams in the throat, police said.

*****

Name: Willie Hancox
Headline: 84-Year-Old Homeowner Shoots Intruder
Money Quote: “He said if they come in the door, I’m not gonna let them kill me and he meant that,” says neighbor, Dorothy Dickerson.

*****

Name: Gayle Martin
Headline: 79-Year-Old Shoots Two Intruders, Police Say: Homeowner Says Men Kicked In His Back Door At 5 A.M.
Money Quote: “He’s old school,” Lisa Garner said of her neighbor. “My grandfather would have done the same thing.”

*****

Name: Carter Westfall
Headline: Man Shoots Intruders/ 18-Year-Old Killed, Two Other Teens Wounded
Money Quote: Under Colorado law, a person may use deadly force against an intruder into a dwelling who he believes may use force or commit a crime within the dwelling. This is commonly referred to as the “Make My Day” law.

*****

Name: Florentino Jauregui
Headline: 85-Year-Old Man Shoots Robbery Suspect
Money Quote: “I’m proud of my father. He is a good person,” said Pedro Jauregui.

*****

Name: Monte Rompal
Headline: Chiloquin Man Shoots Intruder
Money Quote: Deputies later found Brown at a nearby house – asleep and drunk with a bullet wound to his left upper arm.

*****

Name: Michael Mah
Headline: Concealed Carry Permit Holder Shoots Suspect
Money Quote: “The bad guys… better be careful who they pick on,” said Troy Powell, a retired cop who recently moved here from Texas.

*****

Name: Charles (Gus) Augusto
Headline: Blue Flame Owner Kills Two: Harlem’s Restaurant Supply Owner Shoots Two Dead After Botched Robbery
Money Quote: “They ran into some tough stuff today,” witness Vernon McKenzie, 48, said of the stickup men, including one whose bloody corpse was splayed on the sidewalk.

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Sadly, I couldn’t find this next guy’s name, but if anyone knows it, please forward it to the nominating committee:

Name: Unknown (and despite rumors to the contrary, it wasn’t me)
Headline: Man Shoots At Rappers Over “Cranky Old Man” Lyrics
Money Quote: “The elderly gentleman felt that these young people were insulting him in their songs,” the officer added.

Christopher Andersen’s new book, “Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage“, exposed numerous previously undisclosed secrets about President Barack Obama. Here’s just a tiny sample:

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Discovered at age 7 that he didn’t actually need a magic feather to fly around the circus tent.

* He isn’t actually black. He’s off-umber.

* Didn’t “pal around” with Bill Ayers, having never been officially promoted beyond “comic-relief sidekick”.

* Despite all the rumors swirling around, he really WAS the first black Czar of the Harvard Law Review.

* Mindless of the threat to national security, never – ever – even once, has he coughed into his elbow.

* Didn’t propose to Michelle until three years after he met her because he was saving up for a downpayment on a teleprompter.

* Tragically, he inherited his basketball skills from his mother’s side.

* Diagnosed with PTSD after killing that fly.

* Doesn’t understand those “secret Muslim” accusations, since five times every day he faces Mecca, kneels on his mat, and prays to Jesus.

* While negotiating with Hillary Clinton to end her primary campaign, got her to settle for the Secretary of State position instead of her original demand of “taking Bill on a tour of Chappaquiddick”.

* Once had a clogged sink full of dirty water. Bailed it out. Been a big fan ever since.

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Anyone else who’s read the book, feel free to fill in anything I missed.

Rich Galen of Mullings observed:

“You tell ‘em Secretary Soggy Sleeves!”

If a Republican were the Secretary of Health & Human Services and, as part of the national effort to control swine flu had given the advice to “cough into your elbow” that would have been the national joke for the ensuing six weeks.

And he’s absolutely right.

Comedically speaking, there’s no difference between “plastic wrap & duct tape” and “cough into your elbow”. They’re both serious advice for real problems that can be very easily taken out of context.

For example:

“Where are you more likely to hear the phrase ‘plastic wrap & duct tape’: a Department of Homeland Security Briefing, or an episode of Dexter?”

and

“Overheard in the Clinton Oval Office: ‘I wouldn’t have been impeached if I’d done that into my elbow’”

Anyway, I encourage people to reduce this administration to a tasteless punchline whenever possible, so make today “_______ your elbow” day.

To get you started, I recommend adding the phrase “in your elbow” after every fortune cookie fortune you read. For example:

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* “You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability.”

* “Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later.”

* “Something you lost will soon turn up.”

* “A pleasant surprise is in store for you.”

* “You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.”

* “Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities.”

* “Smiling often can make you look and feel younger.”

* “You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.”

* “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”

* “Plan for many pleasures ahead.”

* “A secret admirer will soon send a sign of affection.”

* “Love always and deeply.”

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As always, leave your elbow-mockery in the comments.

So after being told over & over again that Iran is completely harmless, it turns out that they’ll be hitting us with nukes as soon as they stockpile enough Mentos & Diet Coke to fuel their rockets.

I’ve never been a conspiracy theorist… well, ok, yeah, I joined the Round-Earthers back in college, but it was just to get into Brenda Dunwitty’s pants, so that doesn’t really count.

The point is – what other shocking discoveries am I in for this year?

I speculate wildly thus:

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Hugo Chavez is actually the dread pirate Long Juan Silver

* Michelle Obama was actually BORN a woman.

* As was Frank J.

* Not so, Nancy Pelosi

* The Swedish Chef found religion after the Muppet Show ended.

* Moon landing fake.

* Shamwow real.

* David Hasselhoff – vegetarian

* Harry Reid – not just his name, but also his wife’s nickname for his equipment.

* Barack Obama – Sith apprentice

* Michael Moore is just Rush Limbaugh in a fat suit. Have you EVER seen them together?

---

What’s YOUR nightmare scenario of a shocking revelation?

Hart of That Hero muses on the few remaining techniques available to the CIA now that guns, power drills, and family death threats are off the table for interrogating terrorists.

The thing is, direct inquiry isn’t the ONLY way to get people to give up secrets they shouldn’t. Consider some other possibilities:

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“The comfy chair?”

* “I’m from the New York Times, and this is totally off the record.”

* Nigerian spam scam

* Ebay/PayPal spoofs

* Reality show “confession booths”

* Your “anonymous” blog

* $3 discount bin diaries with “locks” on them that pop open if you look at them cross-eyed

* “We’ll just make this video for ‘fun’. No one else will ever see it, and I *promise* to erase it tomorrow”.

* A bottle of MD 20/20 & a harmless game of “Truth or Dare”.

* “Don’t worry. Our ‘privacy policy’ strictly prohibits sharing of information with third parties. You COULD read the whole boring thing if you want, or just click ‘I agree’”.

* Victoria’s Secret 44DD underwire digital mp3 recorder.

---

Any other ideas for information extraction?

Thanks to the ACLU, the whole world now knows what “torture” means in the United States. Here’s a partial list:

Sleep deprivation
“insult slaps”
water dousing
“walling” (slamming a detainee’s head against a wall)

Apparently, American-style torture consists of attending a frat party.

Still, there’s got to be MORE stuff they use for when these “hard-core” techniques aren’t enough. But until my Freedom of Information Act request comes back, I’m left to speculate thusly:

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Switch busted in the “on” position.

* “buzz buzz buzz” – Locking the subject in a room full of breakable objects with a fly and no flyswatter.

* “shinning” – making subject walk through a pitch-black room full of shin-level coffee tables.

* “Lego walk” – same as above, but subject is barefoot and the floor is scattered with Lego pieces.

* “whiffy cat” – subject gets a cat for a “companion”, but is never allowed to clean the litter box.

* “talkin’ corn” – 6 hour drive through Nebraska with nothing but an AM radio.

* “broken glass, sudsy water” – do my dishes, bitch.

* “Nevergizer” – dead batteries in the subject’s remote.

* “South of the Border” – habanero toilet paper.

* “bottomless cup” – re-filling the subject’s half-finished coffee, thus making it impossible to restore the proper cream/sugar ratio to the beverage.

* “beep beep” – a viewing of Eddie Murphy’s “Raw“, edited for television.

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What do YOU have that would crack a terrorist?

Commenter 4 of 7 said:

Where can I get a t-shirt or bumpersticker that says, “Proud member of the Angry Mob”?

So I threw this together:

[original image from here]

It occurs to me that other people might want to play with this, so I uploaded a blank version to the lolbuilder site that you can re-caption to your heart’s content. Or just leave your caption in the comments.

Here are some suggestions:

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Tell me about
Your health care plan

I supported Obama and
all I got was this lousy mob

RTFB

Palin/Mob 2012

You want our taxes?
Come get them.

Got TEA?

SUCKER PUNCH!

Just say no

Why didn’t you lefties TELL us that angry mobbing was so much fun?

Proud Mobican-American

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Meanwhile, John Hawkins of Right Wing News is putting new captions on the Obama-Joker poster, and encouraging people to post them in public places. That naughty little scamp!

In 2001, Obama’s Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, said:

“I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.”

Embarrassed by the unspinnably blatant racial prejudice contained in the remark, Obama did his best damage control by claiming “I’m sure she would have restated it” if she had it to redo.

Which is fine. Everyone misspeaks from time to time.

But that begs the question: “What did she mean to say?”

I speculate thusly:

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“White men can’t judge.”

* “Did I say ‘better’? I meant ‘racister’”

* “White men is stupid, y’all! Can I get a HELL YEAH?”

* “I was a white man before the surgery, and I learned a lot from the experience.”

* “I. Have. Issues.”

* “You have not experienced Black’s Law Dictionary until you have read it in the original Spanish.”

* “Sonia, Sonia, Uber Alles… everybody sing!”

* “I get overturned by the Supreme Court 60% of the time. Basically you could replace me with a brown Magic 8 Ball and come out ahead.”

* “Para Espanol, oprima numero dos.”

* “When you got a tan, you ain’t The Man.”

* “My decisions are based on the plain meaning of the written law. My job as a judge is to set aside my personal biases and make the decision that the law demands. If the politicians don’t like it, they’re free to write a new law, but that’s THEIR job, not mine.”

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Any other possibilities?

Fox News got bored and asked a bunch of marketing weenies whether they thought that Gitmo could be “rebranded” so that liberals wouldn’t reflexively scream “TORTURE!” every time they heard it’s name.

Sadly, the best yonder marketing weenies could come up with for a new name was “Offshore Holding Facility”.

Let’s see if we can do better:

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* Waves & Waterboards

* Tribunal Town

* Club Splodey

* Misfired Martyrs Motel

* Cuban Clown College

* Korandemonium!

* Interrogation Island

* Jihadi Jamaica

* Allaholics Anonymous

* Viva la Incarceracion!

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Any other suggestions?

Some helpful tips for Earth Day:

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Once the earth is fully paved, you’ll be able to save gas by driving directly to wherever you want to go.

1) Save the rainforests! The wood will come in handy for building re-education camps for right-wing extremists.

2) Build a windmill. Not only will it provide electricity, it’s also good for killing birds, which you can fry up on your solar panels. Mmmm… fried eagle.

3) Encourage everyone you know to ride bicycles, then steal their tires and burn them to heat your house.

4) Save the whales! We may need to start using their oil again.

5) Plastic bottles last forever in a landfill. Coat them with several layers of lead paint before throwing them out to keep BPA’s from leaching into the groundwater.

6) Only buy organic vegetables which use no pesticides. Being pre-chewed by bugs makes them easier to digest. Sorta like being fed by a mama bird.

7) Eat fish only from mercury-contaminated waters. If you don’t, then mercury will accumulate in their bodies until they become completely made out of liquid metal and begin assuming the form of loved ones in order to hunt us down and kill us.

Don’t drive when you can bike. And lubricate the chain with whale oil.

9) Instead of throwing away food scraps, toss them into a compost pile in your back yard. The compost can be used to replenish soil nutrients in your garden, while the compost pile itself will attract rats, which you can shoot for target practice and leave where they lie to create more compost. Circle of life!

10) Support the Endangered Species Act, which protects animals with dwindling numbers so that their population can recover so that they can be taken off the list so that they can be quietly hunted to extinction without jack-booted government thugs interfering with the natural order of things.

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How will YOU save the planet today?

Obama will no longer refer to Guantanamo inmates as “enemy combatants”.

Guess we’ll need some sort of new, politically correct term for them.

How about:

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The new Washington Generals?

* Playful roughhousers

* Persons of misunderstanding

* Gitmo Morphin Power Rangers

* Ticking time bombs

* Immoral aliens

* The Obama Tabernacle Choir

* Shot while escaping

* Haji’s Heroes (starring Barack Obama as Col. Klink)

* The Waterboardettes

* Proof that liberals are spineless pansies who can’t be trusted with our national security

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Of course, I’ll just call them what I’ve always called them:

F@#$ing terrorists.

Any other suggestions?

Reader Laurie send me this disturbing photo of Nancy Pelosi and Rahm Emanuel… uh… enjoying each other’s company:

Could probably use a caption. I’ll start:

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* “You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L’Air du Temps, but not today.”

* “Is that a stimulus in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

* “…tax & spend, tax & spend, tax & spend, tax & spend…”

* The flags aren’t the only thing flying at full staff

* “So, are you MARRIED-married, or just Clinton-married?”

* Dangerous (n) – sniffing the hair of a woman wearing a testicle necklace

* The REAL question is: is ANYONE in this picture wearing pants?

* “Your hair smells GILFtastic today!”

* “Gray suit” is the new “blue dress”

* She’d actually be grinning right now if it weren’t for the botox.

“… so then McCain says ‘a picnic table can support a family‘”

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Your turn.

Blagojevich has pay-to-play.

Richardson has his bribes.

Geithner has his common, innocent, tax mistake.

Wonder what’s next…?

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Waxman faced with embarrassing paternity test results. [hat tip: Laurie].

* Nancy Pelosi discovered to be Michael Jackson in drag.

* Obama Express – said to be running on “biodiesel” – was actually using whale oil. Obama claims he was merely honoring Lincoln.

* Did you know that the Secretary of State is 4th in the line of succession to the Presidency? After a maid stumbles across Hillary’s secret hand-written manifesto “Four Bullets to the Top”, EVERYONE will.

* At 2:14 a.m. August 29th, 2009, Joe Biden’s hair plugs become self-aware. Judgement Day follows.

* An increasingly unhinged Al Franken starts wearing dresses and demanding to be called “Alice”. Eventually moves in with Barney Frank.

* Roland Burris is caught running a bookie operation out of his house. Claims he would’ve quit as soon as he raised the 500 large that would keep Blagojevich from breaking his kneecaps.

* Shocking internet sex tape featuring Barbara Boxer & Wayne LaPierre. Dozens of insurance companies go bankrupt paying bills for hysterical blindness treatments.

* After Robert Byrd runs out of things in West Virginia to name after himself, begins habitually referring to the President as “Byrdbama”.

* Director’s cut of “An Inconvenient Truth” is accidentally released featuring a bonus video of Al Gore laughing maniacally, yelling “Suckers!”, and diving into a swimming pool full of money.

* Obama “absent-mindedly” scratches his face with his middle finger during unconditional negotiations with Iran. Judgement Day follows.

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Anything else we should be watching for?