As Frank said, FEMA has started to use the term “federal family”.

Which I guess makes sense if your family is:

* Simpson

* O.J. Simpson

* Addams

* Munster

* Griffin

* Manson

* Hitler

* Jong Il

* Bates

* Frankenstein

* The Impaler (assuming Vlad was married)

* Whatever family ran that little chainsaw shop in Texas.

Any other “federal families” you can think of?

Basil recently wrote to me:

Your post [on the Hillary-as-superhero comic book] got me to thinking. Do liberals start trolling sites like IMAO only to get distracted by satire that they think are acutally wonderful ideas? And can we use that to our advantage?

I say yes, and maybe.

Here are some things I’ve suggested in Newsish Fakery posts that liberals might think are good ideas:

---

* Arrest people who stop terrorist attacks for violating Muslims’ civil rights to practice their religion.

* Denounce those calling Obama a liar as being bigoted against Deception-Americans.

* Negotiate with wildfires instead of fighting them.

* Declare the Constitution “hate speech“.

* Apologize for the Declaration of Independence.

* Return the Louisiana Purchase for a refund.

* Have the US declare bankruptcy.

* Blow up Los Angeles to atone for using waterboarding-obtained information to thwart a terrorist plot to do so.

* Tea control laws to prevent right-wing activists from using tea bags in protests.

* Battery-powered “green” military vehicles.

* Cap & Trade program for political dissent.

* Banning guns that are too pretty.

* Not-for-profit banking.

* Bailouts for the Obama merchandise industry.

---

Now for the tough part: now that we have a fun list of stupid ideas for liberals to embrace, what can we do with it that will be most advantageous to us?

My first thought is put it on DNC letterhead, title it “Proposed 2012 Democrat Party Platform” and send it to Debbie Wasserman Shultz, who’ll think it’s real (I mean, honestly, she’s… just not very bright). Then the platform gets adopted, Obama runs on it, and BOOM! – GOP landslide.

My second thought is to ask you guys how YOU think we could use this to our advantage.

So… let’s hear it, folks…

Inspired by this comment at Legal Insurrection.

Let’s not also forget that political violence is not merely tolerated on the left, but actually celebrated. No one on the right is going to show up at a Tea Party rally in an Eric Rudolph T-shirt. There are no right-wing collegians with posters of Tim McVeigh on their walls. But mass murderers like Che Guevara and Mao Tse-Tung and cop-killers like Mumia Abu Jamal are celebrated as heroes on the left; and their images adorn T-shirts, posters, and flags at most any progressive gathering.

Ok, so if the Tea Party were just the right-wing version of liberals, what T-shirts would you see at their rallies? I speculate thusly:

* Sirhan Sirhan

* Lee Harvey Oswald

* Brain tumor (Ted Kennedy)

* Dan White (killed openly-gay liberal politician Harvey Milk)

* The Rumsfeld Strangler

* Snow-covered pine tree (Michael Kennedy)

* Jeffrey Dahmer (he mostly killed & ate gays)

* Piper Saratoga (JFK Jr.)

* Dan Rostenkowski’s checkbook

and of course, lots of Monica berets and Blago wigs.

Anything else?

UPDATE: I forgot Mario Teran. Then again, he really DOES have a T-shirt.

People are starting to get a little fed up with the TSA. I guess the idea of them is to take naked pictures and molest anyone who tries to go on a plane so that terrorists will be far too uncomfortable to ever go through with a terror attack. Still, it’s not fun for non-terrorists who also don’t like being molested. Maybe we can come up with some better ideas for how to do airport security.

OTHER IDEAS FOR AIRPORT SECURITY

* Some sort of written test that evaluates how Muslimy you are and looks for dangerous levels of Muslimness (I wonder how Obama would do on that test).

* Terrorists don’t like pigs, so guess who is sitting in every other seat? Did you guess pigs? That is the correct guess.

* There is no reasons to go on a plane in Muslim garb other than to make Juan Williams nervous. Scrutinize those people carefully!

* Keep terrorists arch-nemesis on ever flight: ninjas. Or am I thinking of pirates?

* If someone on a flight asks which direction Mecca is, don’t tell him! He probably just wants to do his pre-exploding prayer!

* Actually screen for suspicious people — even if that can look like profiling — instead of all this useless, CYA nonsense like confiscating water bottles to attack whatever the last threat was.

What are your ideas for airport security?

Democrats suffered a huge loss, but President Obama is going to speak on TV at 1pm today, so that should solve everything. Here is my speculation on what he’ll possibly say:

WHAT PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL PROBABLY SAY

“I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Tea Partiers!”

“STOP YELLING AT ME!!!”

“I thought I made it clear I had no idea what I was doing from the start, so I don’t get why you’re all so angry now.”

“Yay! I did another historic thing!”

“I missed what happened can someone help get this bucket off my head?”

“I’m sad to hear that Harry Reid will be leaving us… What? He was reelected? Really?”

“Is it because I’m black?”

“I’m not giving you Republicans the keys to the car! And the ditch is mine too!”

“So if I’m understanding the Tea Parties, you’re saying you want even more health care reform.”

“I will now read you a list of people who will be going under the bus…”

“Did I do that?”

“I’m doing a good job and just need to spend more! Don’t any of you read Paul Krugman?”

“I enjoy flying in a helicopter. Thup thup thup thup!”

“I blame this all on Slurpees.”

MSNBC has a new slogan out: “Lean Forward”

People actually get paid to come up with stuff like that? How much? I know I could do better. Here are some ideas I have for an MSNBC slogan:

FRANK IDEAS FOR AN MSNBC SLOGAN

“News for Over the Hill Hippies Who Don’t Know How to Use the Internet”

“As Biased and Partisan as the Liberals Like to Imagine FOX News Is”

“News You Can Trust… Unless You Make Eye Contact with Keith Olbermann, Then It’s News Throwing a Tantrum”

“2nd Place in the Next Medium to Die After Newspapers Is Good Enough for Us”

“If You Wonder Why It Looks Like Chris Matthews Freezes On Air, Remember We Are a Microsoft Branded Product”

“More Tools than a Home Depot”

“Please Stop Making Jokes About Rachel Maddow’s Hair”

“For the Left: Serious News. For the Right: We’re Actually a Comical Parody of the Left; We Thought It Was Obvious”

“News for the Half-Dozen People Who Still Take Keith Olbermann Seriously”

“Bad Stuff ‘Bout Republicans”

“An Angrier, Whiter Alternative to FOX News”

The GOP has unveiled “A Pledge to America”, listing their agenda when they take back the House. It’s pretty good, but I can think of a few things to spice it up and really help the Republicans win in November:

MORE PLEDGES FOR AMERICA

* Our nation’s borders will be protected by giant robots.

* Foods will no longer get FDA approval unless they contain bacon.

* To help stimulate the economy, people who whine about the rich will be fired out of cannons.

* We will have a new manned mission to the moon and build a libertarian utopia there.

* We will keep reducing the federal government until it can be run out of some guy’s garage.

* Anytime there is a tax increase, one of the people who voted for it will be randomly chosen to be a human sacrifice to Moloch, god of taxes.

* Obamacare will be destroyed, and all perpetrators of it will be hunted down and forced to battle to the death in the Thunderdome.

* Any new spending increases must receive written permission from all voters.

What do you want added to the GOP agenda?

Yesterday, Joe Biden said that he’s 2nd in line of succession for president. Here are some other facts about the vice presidency according to Biden:

FACTS ABOUT THE VICE PRESIDENCY, ACCORDING TO JOE BIDEN

* He’s allowed to vote in the Senate as much as he wants as long as it doesn’t affect the outcome.

* Miami Vice was based on the later years activities of Spiro Agnew.

* According to the Constitution, he gets all the Cheetos he can eat as long as he doesn’t talk during important meetings.

* The first vice president was Benjamin Franklin. The second was Thomas Edison.

* Originally, the vice president lived in a tree house on the White House lawn, but it became infested with owls.

* When he is sleeping, vice presidential duties are taken over by his cat Noodles.

* His only power in the House of Representatives is to be able to demand that Dennis Kucinich do a silly little monkey dance for his amusement, though actually anyone can do that.

* If it’s ever needed, precedent says it’s his job to shoot Timothy Geithner.

* In times of crisis, his job is to stare out the White House window and count how many people walk in front of the building, as he’s been told that’s important data in catching spies.

* The vice president is forbidden to ever dress up as a pirate.

* He has the power to demand a specific toy from McDonald’s when ordering a Happy Meal.

* He has the only phone that can directly call the Justice League, but they’ve been busy every time he called.

* He has to send Dick Cheney $1000 any time he asked, due to a Vice Tax.

* His most important job as outlined by the Constitution is to fetch the movie everybody wants from the nearest RedBox, and he can be executed if he gets the wrong one.

* If the president is ever incapacitated, it’s his sworn duty to walk Bo.

So in praising Christine O’Donnell’s opponent, Chris Coons, Harry Reid said, “He’s my pet.” That guy just doesn’t know how to not be creepy. And here’s some other things he said in praise of Coons:

OTHER THINGS HARRY REID SAID IN PRAISE OF COONS

* “I want to keep him in a pit and make him put the lotion on the skin.”

* “Please make him Senator! I promise to walk him every day!”

* “I wish we could both die side-by-side in a fiery car wreck so we could always be together.”

* “I will hug him and squeeze him and name him George.”

* “Tee hee. It makes me giggle when he eats from my hand.”

* “When I gaze into his eyes, I finally understand why some people turn to murder-suicide.”

* “I wish I had a miniature version of him I could keep in my pocket at all times.”

* “I just want to lick his face! Don’t you want to lick his face?”

Now there are rumors that Al Gore was having an affair. If so, maybe he’s better with the ladies than you’d except. In fact, here are some of his well known pickup lines:

TOP TEN AL GORE PICKUP LINES

10. “I created the internet, and now I’m going to create making love to you.”

9. “We’ll make sweet love until the compact fluorescent light bulb burns out… which is a long long time because they’re very efficient.”

8. “The science is settled: I’m dead sexy.”

7. “It would reduce your carbon footprint if you shared a room with me tonight.”

6. “If you just watch this slideshow presentation, I think it makes it pretty clear and indisputable that we should totally do it.”

5. “Lucky for you my lovemaking is a renewable resource.”

4. “It’s not only my personality and mannerisms that are stiff.”

3. “Carefully study your love making option, because I don’t want you to accidentally have sex with Pat Buchanan.”

2. “The rumors are true: I am a robot — The Sex Machine.”

And the number one Al Gore pickup line…

(more…)