Not Just Hashtag Diplomacy: Twitter Solves Terrorism Problem!

Are these scalp-breathing, smelt-chomping terrorists too extreme for Twitter?

Twitter said it has suspended more than half a million accounts as the company steps up efforts to tackle “extremism” on its microblogging platform.

Terrorists, obviously, will be hardest hit – especially Extreme ISIS, Extreme Al Qaeda, and other organizations dumb enough to put the word “Extreme” in their names – but rounding out the top ten will be innocent bystanders like:

* Washed-up 80’s glam-rock bands, (and nostalgic 40-somethings tweeting about their prom themes).

* Icelandic tourism

* Liquid-cooled gaming motherboards

* hair strengthening products

* Railroad Grade pizza

* Alternative explanations of back-relaxation in ionic polymer metal composites

* Recreational heavy construction equipment operation

* High-performance, all-terrain, water-resistant, portable, solid-state hard drives

and, of course, any organization dedicated to making it easier for normal people to be able to kill the terrorists that Twitter censorship somehow, incomprehensibly, doesn’t manage to stop.

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15 Reasons to Defund PBS

[Submitted by Oppo (High Praise!)]

It’s not actually 15 reasons, because 6 of them are fake news headlines. Try to guess which. (Answers in the extended entry)


1) PBS Airs Anti-NRA Special: ‘Gunned Down: The Power of the NRA’

2) PBS Coaxing Kids To Tell Stories About ‘What Their Parents Don’t Want Neighbors To Know’

3) Bette Midler on Breast Segment on Sesame Street: ‘Nothing To Be Embarrassed About’

4) Agitprop: PBS’ ‘Black Panthers’ Film Lies to Incite Race Hatred

5) Michelle Obama and Cookie Monster Now Friends

6) Ben Affleck demanded PBS program hide his slave-owning ancestor

7) Bert, Ernie, Obama News Hour Segment Cancelled Due To Trump Interference

8) PBS Anchor Judy Woodruff Also Admits Donating to Clinton Foundation

9) After Iran Nuclear Deal, PBS’s Gwen Ifill Tweets “Take That, Bibi”

10) PBS: Ted Cruz and His Father Are “Satanic”

11) We Are All Discardians Now: Why Has Oscar The Grouch Only Lived In A Trashcan Under Democratic Administrations?

12) FIX IS IN: PBS Moderators Ignore Clinton Scandals

13) No Live Actors, Writers, on Sesame Street Due to Cutbacks

14) PBS NewsHour Cuts Anti-Hillary Portions of Judy Woodruff’s Jill Stein Interview

15) Wikileaks: HRC’s Campaign Has Power Over When PBS Airs Its Stories

Continue reading ‘15 Reasons to Defund PBS’ »

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Fun Facts About Ireland

(Reposted from 2007)
In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I thought I’d take the time to share a few items that I made turned up while researching the Emerald Isle:


  • Ireland was founded in 432 AD by a group of masochists who actually ENJOYED leading bleak lives of hopeless despair. Many of their descendants would later emigrate to Chicago and become Cubs fans.
  • In 1998 Danny O’Malley of Dublin created the first internet search engine to specialize in Irish-related information: Alcohoogle.

  • Currently, every search term entered therein returns the Guinness home page.

  • To prevent illegal immigration into the country, Irish Border Patrol members guard the country’s beaches by hurling empty whiskey bottles at swimmers.

  • The Irish possess the most unstoppable Special Forces in the world, which are capable of successfully invading any nation with at least one distillery.

  • According to noted zoologist Jonathan Swift, the Irish – unlike rattlesnakes – really DO taste like chicken.

  • Ireland has long been famous for the irritable temperament of its inhabitants. It used to be called Angerland, until St. Patrick realized that “ire” was a much more sophisticated-sounding word.

  • The national symbol of Ireland is the shamrock. Which used to be called the “samrock”, but the new pronunciation quickly took over, since that’s how a liquored-to-the-gills Irishman would pronounce it, anyway.

  • Another important symbol of Ireland is the hardwood cudgel known as the “shillelagh”. Which used to be called a “salay”, but changed for the same reason as the samrock.

  • In a fight between Aquaman and Ireland, Aquaman would die messily when his dolphin “mysteriously” exploded, with the IRA claiming responsibility shortly afterwards.

  • The Irish are a clever and inventive people who are popularly credited with inventing several different types of bar soap. None of which they’ve been able to sell to France.

  • Which really sucks, because France is upwind.

  • Before switching to the Euro in 1999, the Irish had a dual currency system, where both Guinness bottle caps and whiskey labels circulated freely alongside each other.

  • There was also a brief experimental period with British currency, but – like most things in Ireland featuring the Queen’s portrait – the bills quickly became too spit-soaked for practical usage.

  • Although the Irish claim to have their own language, it’s actually just a form of English that they picked up from watching Lucky Charms commercials.

  • Even though Ireland thinks it’s better than the US, I think the fact that Americans can dance AND use their arms at the same time proves them wrong.

  • While Ireland DOES have a President and a Parliament, the true power rests in the hands of Bono and his mysterious Leprechaun Council.

  • Despite the impression given by the Notre Dame mascot, not all Irish are obnoxious, chrome-domed troublemakers. Just Sinead O’Connor.

  • Much like the fabled elephant graveyard, the Irish have a secret bog where they go off to die when they become too feeble to lift a glass.

  • In Ireland, starting a fight by punching someone in the face is considered a friendly greeting. Starting a fight by throwing your drink in someone’s face, however, is grossly insulting, wastes precious alcohol, and carries the death penalty.

  • Only one Irishman has ever won the Tour de France (Stephen Roche, 1987). Although this SOUNDS pathetic, I’m actually quite impressed that they found someone sober enough to sit on a bicycle without toppling over.

  • Irish pop band The Boomtown Rats recently scored their first hit single since 1979 with their War on Terror ballad, “I Don’t Like Mohammeds”.

  • Like the US, Ireland’s constitution guarantees its citizens the right to free speech. It doesn’t do them any good, though, since the only difference between Irish speech and incoherent drunk-dialing is the phone.

  • The first Irishman in America, Paddy O’Tatertot, was also the man who built Notre Dame college and started its legendary football program. This caused the mass immigration of the Irish to America in the late 1800s, as they all wanted to see this union of the two best aspects of their country – devout religion and open-field brawling.

  • Ireland’s 1996 Olympic Gold Medal swimmer, Michelle Smith, was banned from the sport in 1999 for substance abuse after her urine sample was found to contain enough alcohol to qualify for a proof rating.

  • Sad thing is, that last one was completely true. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to test the Irish for alcohol. It’s like testing SpongeBob for seawater.


HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

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Overheard at a Mass Meeting of Liberals Brainstorming Ways to Stop the Trump Agenda

I blew my entire mustache wax budget on paint and posterboard. I regret nothing!

I blew my entire mustache wax budget on paint and posterboard. I regret nothing!

“No, the march was working, we just needed more pink knit hats.”

“Look, I don’t care if you spell ‘fascist’ with an ‘h’, I’m just saying that misspelling it might be offensive to actual fascists.”

“Has anyone seen my onesie?”

“Maybe a good Twitter hashtag, like #NoTrump” “Can’t, it’s already being used by the Hoboken Bridge Club”

“We could buy the domain name” “Nope, NoTrump.com is owned by Trumpet Haters of America and they won’t sell.”

“A good spell will fix him. Just need some candles, some hemp twine, and an eagle feather. Thank goodness for Hobby Lobby coupons.”

“I’ve got it! Pink knit shoes! We’ll call them ‘pussyfoots‘”

“How about we suggest a common-sense proposal that increases individual freedom while reducing the size, funding, and power of the federal government?” [shouts of derision and sounds of physical violence]

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They Say They Want a Revolution…

Buried deep in the comments at PJ Media [High Praise! to Sardondi], I found this gem:


Their actual lunatic fantasy….

  1. The US military, its consciousness raised by all the political commissars left embedded by Obama, overwhelmingly joins in coup to oust Trump*.

  2. Conservatives and Republicans, who can’t stand to hear the truth of the very accurate investigative reporting of brave journalists, start a civil war in a futile attempt to thwart a politically aware military in its coup effort.

  3. That 75% of the American public who are progressives and liberals easily obtain machine guns, rocket launchers, flamethrowers and tanks, and, after intensive training by watching black gangster and Asian gangster movies, meet their foes, the fascist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, Southern, Christianist, fat white men, on the field of battle. And kill them all.

  4. The Reckoning follows, wherein the progressives purge American society of all undesirables, such as white Southerners, Christians, observant Jews, pro-lifers, climate-change deniers, and of course, Republicans and conservatives of all stripes. Executions continue for three years until all negative influences are eliminated from the country.

  5. The nation dispenses with wasteful competition and rescues the tv networks to just PBS, and the radio to just NPR. Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and the entire staff of Fox News Channel are burned at the stake on the highest ever rated program on PBS.

  6. Professional Sports Championships are now passed out on an even turn-about basis for “fairness”, and many men’s teams are eliminated in many sports so that the number of women’s teams are the same in number.

  7. The Goddess Gaia thanks progressives for ridding the US of the virus of fascist humans, and as a reward self-corrects all climate swings. Scientists perfect the anti-gravity drive. Everyone has everything he or she could possibly want, as warfare is abolished and peace reigns.

  • In the true believers’ fantasy, the entire Trump family, including in-laws, grandchildren, personal assistants, and nannies, are ruthlessly executed in a Mar-a-Lago sunroom.
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7 Reasons You Should Be Glad Trump’s Muslim Travel Ban Got Stopped

So… 60% of the refugees admitted into the US since a federal judge halted President Trump’s executive order designed to prevent “foreign terrorist entry into the United States” come from five of the seven countries identified by the Trump administration (AND Obama’s) as most risky.

But that’s ok. Because these refugees will, no doubt, eventually end up doing the jobs Americans won’t do. Like:

Maybe just DJ at a nightclub

Maybe just DJ at a nightclub

Airline pilot

Cobbler

Specialty Undergarment Supplier

Holiday Party Planner

Cookware Manufacturer

US Army Medical Corps Psychiatrist

Mall Cop

Who are we to keep them from living the dream and Making America Grave Again?

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Americans Trust Trump More Than News Media. Also, These 10 Things

Headline: “Americans Trust Trump Administration More Than News Media”

And why wouldn’t they? The Donald sometimes does what he says he will.

Speaking of trust, here’s 10 other things Americans find more trustworthy than the news media:


Counting on HAL to open your pod bay doors? - Still more trustworthy than the media.

Counting on HAL to open your pod bay doors? – Still more trustworthy than the media.

1) A power strip that’s throwing sparks like Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite Tesla coil

2) A spooky mansion with creaky doors & cobwebs. With a talking Great Dane and a scruff-chinned stoner making sandwiches in the kitchen

3) Whatever hallway Indiana Jones is running down

4) Russian hackers

5) A climate change expert with more government grants than thermometers. Yeah, that’d be all of them.

6) Scary, evil monkeys

7) Expired heart medicine

8) People who use the phrase “step right up” in the course of their employment

9) Brake line duct tape patches

10) Any blogger whose categories include “Newsish Fakery”


Anything else trustworthy out there?

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Top 10 Trump Construction Projects

Donald Trump’s looking to upgrade America’s infrastructure. Here’s my guess as to what construction projects are on his list:


World's smallest park, one blade of grass. That's all the EPA will have jurisdiction over.

World’s smallest park, one blade of grass. That’s all the EPA will have jurisdiction over.

1) Finish the Crazy Horse Memorial as a warning of the dangers of unregulated immigration.

2) Create highway markers pointing out the Intercontinental Railroad, which – until now – only Obama had been able to find.

3) One open-pit coal mine bigger than the Grand Canyon – cheap electricity at last! No, two! Cheaper!

4) Following the success of southern wall, build one to protect our western border, too. Not sure which side of Cali to build it on yet.

5) Hedge maze outside the exit door to the UN. Ends at the East River. After passing through the concrete life jacket station.

6) Statue of Liberty gets robotics upgrade and torch is replaced by fully functional upscaled AR-15. Don’t mess with the Liberdroid!

7) Pink tent desert city prison camp for new Border Patrol chief Joe Arpaio. Come for the stale bread, stay for the ditch diggin’.

8) Giant factory where you can get the ‘k’ on your “Make America Great Again” hat changed to a ‘d’. Don’t worry, it’ll be ready by 2020.

9) World’s smallest violin. Democrats will be hearing that one play a LOT.

10) A storage area for radioactive waste. Or the new Iranian embassy. Depending on who’s asking.


Anything else Trump will be building?

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12 Minor Trump Tweaks to the White House Web Site

Ink’s barely dry on Trump’s new business cards, and already he’s shaking things up on the digital side. If you go to WhiteHouse.gov, you may notice a few changes, like:


Panicky global warming page replaced by "Make the Globe Warm Again" page

Panicky global warming page replaced by “Make the Globe Warm Again” page

1) ID required to vote posts up or down.

2) Animated gifs of the bust of Churchill. Which don’t actually move, since it’s a statue. I don’t think Trump quite understands animated gifs.

3) All Spanish pages eliminated, web site is now 100% English. But it’s British English, so I don’t get all that stuff about “petrol prices”.

4) To distance himself from Obama’s legacy, the site will not use the letter “O”. Interesting news regarding the Supreme Curt.

5) The main page headline crawl is Trump’s Twitter feed.

6) Official White House T-Shirt babe picture: Melania pointing a gun at the camera. Yeah, I think we’ve got a copyright case here.

7) Annoying pop-up ad for bacon toasters, for which we will forgive him, assuming there are free samples involved.

8) Annoying clickbait ad saying “Send Hillary to jail using this one old, weird trick”. Sadly, clicking the ad 300 times is not the trick. Don’t ask how I know, I just do, all right?

9) A pair of animated googly eyes that follow your mouse cursor.

10) The “prove you’re a human” comment verification feature is a US citizenship test question. Get 3 wrong and it’s over the wall with you!

11) Every day, a sidebar poll asks readers to suggest a nickname for a different prominent Democrat. “Crooked [First Name]” is always an option.

12) Link to IMAO’s “Nuke the Moon” page next to a countdown timer.


Any changes I missed? Leave ’em in the comments, please…

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10 Peculiar Reasons Hillary Lost the Election

They’re still in shock, but the liberal media spin is coming, so try not to drown in the flood of pitiful excuses they make for her. Which may or may not include the following, which I probably just made up:


If we wanted to taste the rainbow, we'd eat Skittles

If we wanted to taste the rainbow, we’d elect a bag of Skittles

1) Russian hackers, whackers, crackers, flackers, snackers, stackers, and Packer-backers (Go Aaron Rodgers!)… and Methodists.

2) Canklephobes

3) Couldn’t best Trump in a battle of wits because she didn’t know that iocaine powder comes from Autralia.

4) Not enough videos of celebrities demanding her victory.

5) Saying “Pokemon Go to the polls” with a straight face. Anyone sociopathic enough to do that can’t be trusted with the nuclear codes.

6) She actually was 50 points ahead. But only in California.

7) Unfair height disadvantage during debates with Trump, as they wouldn’t allow her to wear her KISS boots. Or makeup.

8) Headlight-deer Bill’s sidelong glance at the Non-Consensuals during the debate.

9) Basket of deplorables? Who in this day and age keeps their deplorables in a basket when Amazon sends you a free storage box with every purchase? SO out of touch…

10) The dog ate her campaign strategy. Then Obama ate her dog.


Any other reasons she might have lost?

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10 Trump Inauguration Invitees

I heard liberals are upset because a marching band from a historically black college will play at Trump’s inauguration.

I wonder what else will spoil their day?

I speculate thusly:


A plump, juicy puppy, no longer afraid to go near the White House.

A plump, juicy puppy, no longer afraid to go near the White House.

1) A Fort Marcy Park ranger.

2) The same 4 women Trump held that presser with, debuting their new barbershop quartet, The Non-Consensuals.

3) 100 bakers who don’t mind making your gay wedding cake, so you can leave that poor Christian baker alone.

4) A guy who admits that, although he watched the “Dukes of Hazzard” because the roof of the General Lee was a racist dogwhistle, he mostly watched it because of Daisy’s shorts.

5) A woman who wasn’t comfortable voting for Hillary because she could never remember if it was spelled with one “l” or two.

6) Not one single hot dog cart offering arugula as a topping.

7) $10 buys your name on a brick. You KNOW where you’ll need to go to visit it afterward.

8) A very twisty hedge-maze called the “Crooked Hillary”. At the center is an unsecured email server.

9) Betting station: Trump’s Hair vs. Unbreakable Comb

10) Russian hackers collecting their secret paychecks.

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7 Old TV Shows Due for a Reboot

Rumor has it there’s thoughts of reviving “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons”.

But will Archie still have a fondness for one-eyed Jewish black men?

But will Archie still have a fondness for one-eyed Jewish black men?

Might be interesting. Make Archie Bunker Japanese & have him make bigoted remarks about all other races, faiths, colors, & nationalities. I’m picturing George Takei ranting about his “Polack” son-in-law, and I’m already giggling.

And George Jefferson was always just a black Archie, anyway, so make him Korean. He’ll still hate Archie just as much, but very few people will get why.

Since we’re rebooting, here’s a few others they may bring back:


Three’s Company – A very gay Jack Tripper has to convince his very gay landlord that he’s straight so that he can live with a gay couple and not make it seem like the weird threesome thing it actually is (Polygamy? Ewww! How deviant!)

Adam 12 – Malloy and Reed are both black and spend their entire shifts trying to keep white officers from summarily executing unarmed black suspects. Black Lives Matter meets Blue Lives Matter, and the winner is social justice.

Bosom Buddies – Kip & Henry are once again cross-dressing men living in a hotel for women, but this time they do it openly, and they must fight oppression and force their co-residents to accept their lifestyle, ease their restrictive residential rules, and bake them cakes.

Emergency! – The crew of Los Angeles County Fire Dept. Station 51 are back, except now all the firefighters are woman. And they still handle every situation perfectly despite having an inherent lack of upper body strength. And even though they were accepted under lowered physical standards, they never actually have to carry an overweight adult from a burning building, so they’re just as good as any man. Equality!

Bewitched – Samantha’s not an actual witch with magical powers anymore, just a practicing Wiccan whose bizarre rituals (and even bizarrer relatives) make life embarrassing and difficult for her advertising executive husband. In the end, instead of explaining everything away as a publicity stunt like in the old show, Darrin chastises his Christian co-workers for not being more open-minded and accepting or other religions.

Charlie’s Angels – It’s still beautiful women fighting crime, but they’re all in wheelchairs, and spend most of the show complaining about the injustice of curbs and small flights of stairs. Also, Charlie is an artificial intelligence voiced by Stephen Hawking.

The Dukes of Hazzard – Week after week, the part-Native-American Roscoe P. Coltrane (played by racial xenomorph Lou Diamond Phillips) systematically arrests every cousin & uncle in the Duke family for hate crimes.


If you know of any other reboots in the works, drop ’em in the comments.

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The 10 Most Vicious Joe Biden Attacks on Russia

Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the Obama administration may launch a retaliatory cyber strike against Russia in response to what Washington believes to be interference by Moscow in this year’s election.

In an interview with NBC’s Meet the Press on Sunday morning, Mr Biden said “we’re sending a message” to Russian President Vladimir Putin about the election-related hacking. “He’ll know it.”

“We have the capacity to do it. It will be at the time of our choosing, and under the circumstances that have the greatest impact,” he told NBC.

According to Wikileaks, the 10 most likely ways that Joe Biden will attack Russia are:


Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]

Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]


1) Sudden reversal of all current global warming policies, leading to the inevitable collapse of the Russian fur hat industry.

2) Air-dropping over their territory the things Joe knows Russia fears most, followed by a press conference where he’ll utter the infamous words “As God as my witness, I thought moose AND squirrel could fly“.

3) Ruining their nesting-doll industry by having every third set feature Cackling Witch Hat Hillary in the center.

4) Secretly replacing the Ruble with Obama Fun Bucks

5) Putting powerful mind-control drugs into Russia’s water supply. When no one is affected, correcting the error and putting it into Russia’s vodka supply.

6) Slipping into Putin’s bedroom and putting a My Little Pony head under his sheets. Twilight Sparkle! Nooooooo!

7) Stealing all of Russia’s military secrets by tripling the manpower in our Wasilla-based observation towers.

8) Pushing through a binding UN resolution to get the name changed to the African-American Sea.

9) Sue Russia for copyright infringement over its red, white, and blue flag. Joe knows plagiarism when he sees it!

10) Institute Proton Savings Time, where all elements of the periodic table will drop one atomic number, thus converting all of Russia’s atomic bombs into useless protactinium.

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Jim Henson Couldn’t Have Done It Worse

Just a thought that occurred to me… I don’t think there’s enough answers for a Straight Line, but I wanted to discuss it.

Trump and Hillary are both objectively horrible people, and I was wondering if there were muppets that were worse.

Animal? No, he’s pretty harmless as long as he has drums to play with and Floyd’s holding his chain.

Oscar the Grouch? Basically just Dick Cheney with fewer lawyer-shooting notches on his shotgun. Not so bad, really.

Crazy Harry? Nah. Unlike Hillary, does not have any confirmed kills.

Lew Zealand? Maybe. I don’t like the way that he says his boomerang fish will come back to him, and a lot of them never do. Who needs another lying politician?

Marvin Suggs? Probabably. I think the Muppaphone video will be his Benghazi.

Am I missing anyone?

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Promoted Comment: Aggressions!

CayleyGraph [High Praise!] takes “microaggressions” to the next level:

I think the next frontier in offense will be the study of nanoaggressions: nonverbal communication that a person could use to express contempt for an oppressed group, but that are too subtle to qualify as a microaggression.

Currently Identified Nanoaggressions

1. Yawning

2. Coughing

3. Making eye contact

4. Breaking eye contact

5. Faking eye contact

6. Slaking eye contact

7. Exhaling

There have also been exciting breakthroughs in the realm of femtoaggressions: Quantum uncertainty comes into play at that scale, so it is impossible to simultaneously know the race and sexuality of a femtoaggression.

The idea of an attoaggression is, of course, just an offensive attempt by bigots to trivialize the concept of prefixaggressions with satire. I dare say even mentioning it counts as a milliaggression.

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