Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 25th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.
Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.
Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…
15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY
1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.
2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.
3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.
4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.
5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.
6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”
7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.
8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.
9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.
10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.
11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.
12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.
13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.
14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.
15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
Are these scalp-breathing, smelt-chomping terrorists too extreme for Twitter?
Twitter said it has suspended more than half a million accounts as the company steps up efforts to tackle “extremism” on its microblogging platform.
Terrorists, obviously, will be hardest hit – especially Extreme ISIS, Extreme Al Qaeda, and other organizations dumb enough to put the word “Extreme” in their names – but rounding out the top ten will be innocent bystanders like:
(Reposted from 2007)
In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I thought I’d take the time to share a few items that I made turned up while researching the Emerald Isle:
Ireland was founded in 432 AD by a group of masochists who actually ENJOYED leading bleak lives of hopeless despair. Many of their descendants would later emigrate to Chicago and become Cubs fans.
In 1998 Danny O’Malley of Dublin created the first internet search engine to specialize in Irish-related information: Alcohoogle.
Currently, every search term entered therein returns the Guinness home page.
To prevent illegal immigration into the country, Irish Border Patrol members guard the country’s beaches by hurling empty whiskey bottles at swimmers.
The Irish possess the most unstoppable Special Forces in the world, which are capable of successfully invading any nation with at least one distillery.
According to noted zoologist Jonathan Swift, the Irish – unlike rattlesnakes – really DO taste like chicken.
Ireland has long been famous for the irritable temperament of its inhabitants. It used to be called Angerland, until St. Patrick realized that “ire” was a much more sophisticated-sounding word.
The national symbol of Ireland is the shamrock. Which used to be called the “samrock”, but the new pronunciation quickly took over, since that’s how a liquored-to-the-gills Irishman would pronounce it, anyway.
Another important symbol of Ireland is the hardwood cudgel known as the “shillelagh”. Which used to be called a “salay”, but changed for the same reason as the samrock.
In a fight between Aquaman and Ireland, Aquaman would die messily when his dolphin “mysteriously” exploded, with the IRA claiming responsibility shortly afterwards.
The Irish are a clever and inventive people who are popularly credited with inventing several different types of bar soap. None of which they’ve been able to sell to France.
Which really sucks, because France is upwind.
Before switching to the Euro in 1999, the Irish had a dual currency system, where both Guinness bottle caps and whiskey labels circulated freely alongside each other.
There was also a brief experimental period with British currency, but – like most things in Ireland featuring the Queen’s portrait – the bills quickly became too spit-soaked for practical usage.
Although the Irish claim to have their own language, it’s actually just a form of English that they picked up from watching Lucky Charms commercials.
Even though Ireland thinks it’s better than the US, I think the fact that Americans can dance AND use their arms at the same time proves them wrong.
While Ireland DOES have a President and a Parliament, the true power rests in the hands of Bono and his mysterious Leprechaun Council.
Despite the impression given by the Notre Dame mascot, not all Irish are obnoxious, chrome-domed troublemakers. Just Sinead O’Connor.
Much like the fabled elephant graveyard, the Irish have a secret bog where they go off to die when they become too feeble to lift a glass.
In Ireland, starting a fight by punching someone in the face is considered a friendly greeting. Starting a fight by throwing your drink in someone’s face, however, is grossly insulting, wastes precious alcohol, and carries the death penalty.
Only one Irishman has ever won the Tour de France (Stephen Roche, 1987). Although this SOUNDS pathetic, I’m actually quite impressed that they found someone sober enough to sit on a bicycle without toppling over.
Irish pop band The Boomtown Rats recently scored their first hit single since 1979 with their War on Terror ballad, “I Don’t Like Mohammeds”.
Like the US, Ireland’s constitution guarantees its citizens the right to free speech. It doesn’t do them any good, though, since the only difference between Irish speech and incoherent drunk-dialing is the phone.
The first Irishman in America, Paddy O’Tatertot, was also the man who built Notre Dame college and started its legendary football program. This caused the mass immigration of the Irish to America in the late 1800s, as they all wanted to see this union of the two best aspects of their country – devout religion and open-field brawling.
Ireland’s 1996 Olympic Gold Medal swimmer, Michelle Smith, was banned from the sport in 1999 for substance abuse after her urine sample was found to contain enough alcohol to qualify for a proof rating.
Sad thing is, that last one was completely true. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to test the Irish for alcohol. It’s like testing SpongeBob for seawater.
“Look, I don’t care if you spell ‘fascist’ with an ‘h’, I’m just saying that misspelling it might be offensive to actual fascists.”
“Has anyone seen my onesie?”
“Maybe a good Twitter hashtag, like #NoTrump” “Can’t, it’s already being used by the Hoboken Bridge Club”
“We could buy the domain name” “Nope, NoTrump.com is owned by Trumpet Haters of America and they won’t sell.”
“A good spell will fix him. Just need some candles, some hemp twine, and an eagle feather. Thank goodness for Hobby Lobby coupons.”
“I’ve got it! Pink knit shoes! We’ll call them ‘pussyfoots‘”
“How about we suggest a common-sense proposal that increases individual freedom while reducing the size, funding, and power of the federal government?” [shouts of derision and sounds of physical violence]
The US military, its consciousness raised by all the political commissars left embedded by Obama, overwhelmingly joins in coup to oust Trump*.
Conservatives and Republicans, who can’t stand to hear the truth of the very accurate investigative reporting of brave journalists, start a civil war in a futile attempt to thwart a politically aware military in its coup effort.
That 75% of the American public who are progressives and liberals easily obtain machine guns, rocket launchers, flamethrowers and tanks, and, after intensive training by watching black gangster and Asian gangster movies, meet their foes, the fascist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, Southern, Christianist, fat white men, on the field of battle. And kill them all.
The Reckoning follows, wherein the progressives purge American society of all undesirables, such as white Southerners, Christians, observant Jews, pro-lifers, climate-change deniers, and of course, Republicans and conservatives of all stripes. Executions continue for three years until all negative influences are eliminated from the country.
The nation dispenses with wasteful competition and rescues the tv networks to just PBS, and the radio to just NPR. Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and the entire staff of Fox News Channel are burned at the stake on the highest ever rated program on PBS.
Professional Sports Championships are now passed out on an even turn-about basis for “fairness”, and many men’s teams are eliminated in many sports so that the number of women’s teams are the same in number.
The Goddess Gaia thanks progressives for ridding the US of the virus of fascist humans, and as a reward self-corrects all climate swings. Scientists perfect the anti-gravity drive. Everyone has everything he or she could possibly want, as warfare is abolished and peace reigns.
In the true believers’ fantasy, the entire Trump family, including in-laws, grandchildren, personal assistants, and nannies, are ruthlessly executed in a Mar-a-Lago sunroom.
So… 60% of the refugees admitted into the US since a federal judge halted President Trump’s executive order designed to prevent “foreign terrorist entry into the United States” come from five of the seven countries identified by the Trump administration (AND Obama’s) as most risky.
But that’s ok. Because these refugees will, no doubt, eventually end up doing the jobs Americans won’t do. Like:
They’re still in shock, but the liberal media spin is coming, so try not to drown in the flood of pitiful excuses they make for her. Which may or may not include the following, which I probably just made up:
If we wanted to taste the rainbow, we’d elect a bag of Skittles
1) Russian hackers, whackers, crackers, flackers, snackers, stackers, and Packer-backers (Go Aaron Rodgers!)… and Methodists.
Rumor has it there’s thoughts of reviving “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons”.
But will Archie still have a fondness for one-eyed Jewish black men?
Might be interesting. Make Archie Bunker Japanese & have him make bigoted remarks about all other races, faiths, colors, & nationalities. I’m picturing George Takei ranting about his “Polack” son-in-law, and I’m already giggling.
Since we’re rebooting, here’s a few others they may bring back:
Three’s Company – A very gay Jack Tripper has to convince his very gay landlord that he’s straight so that he can live with a gay couple and not make it seem like the weird threesome thing it actually is (Polygamy? Ewww! How deviant!)
Adam 12 – Malloy and Reed are both black and spend their entire shifts trying to keep white officers from summarily executing unarmed black suspects. Black Lives Matter meets Blue Lives Matter, and the winner is social justice.
Bosom Buddies – Kip & Henry are once again cross-dressing men living in a hotel for women, but this time they do it openly, and they must fight oppression and force their co-residents to accept their lifestyle, ease their restrictive residential rules, and bake them cakes.
Emergency! – The crew of Los Angeles County Fire Dept. Station 51 are back, except now all the firefighters are woman. And they still handle every situation perfectly despite having an inherent lack of upper body strength. And even though they were accepted under lowered physical standards, they never actually have to carry an overweight adult from a burning building, so they’re just as good as any man. Equality!
Bewitched – Samantha’s not an actual witch with magical powers anymore, just a practicing Wiccan whose bizarre rituals (and even bizarrer relatives) make life embarrassing and difficult for her advertising executive husband. In the end, instead of explaining everything away as a publicity stunt like in the old show, Darrin chastises his Christian co-workers for not being more open-minded and accepting or other religions.
Charlie’s Angels – It’s still beautiful women fighting crime, but they’re all in wheelchairs, and spend most of the show complaining about the injustice of curbs and small flights of stairs. Also, Charlie is an artificial intelligence voiced by Stephen Hawking.
The Dukes of Hazzard – Week after week, the part-Native-American Roscoe P. Coltrane (played by racial xenomorph Lou Diamond Phillips) systematically arrests every cousin & uncle in the Duke family for hate crimes.
If you know of any other reboots in the works, drop ’em in the comments.
Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the Obama administration may launch a retaliatory cyber strike against Russia in response to what Washington believes to be interference by Moscow in this year’s election.
In an interview with NBC’s Meet the Press on Sunday morning, Mr Biden said “we’re sending a message” to Russian President Vladimir Putin about the election-related hacking. “He’ll know it.”
“We have the capacity to do it. It will be at the time of our choosing, and under the circumstances that have the greatest impact,” he told NBC.
According to Wikileaks, the 10 most likely ways that Joe Biden will attack Russia are:
Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]
1) Sudden reversal of all current global warming policies, leading to the inevitable collapse of the Russian fur hat industry.