So… 60% of the refugees admitted into the US since a federal judge halted President Trump’s executive order designed to prevent “foreign terrorist entry into the United States” come from five of the seven countries identified by the Trump administration (AND Obama’s) as most risky.
But that’s ok. Because these refugees will, no doubt, eventually end up doing the jobs Americans won’t do. Like:
They’re still in shock, but the liberal media spin is coming, so try not to drown in the flood of pitiful excuses they make for her. Which may or may not include the following, which I probably just made up:
If we wanted to taste the rainbow, we’d elect a bag of Skittles
1) Russian hackers, whackers, crackers, flackers, snackers, stackers, and Packer-backers (Go Aaron Rodgers!)… and Methodists.
Rumor has it there’s thoughts of reviving “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons”.
But will Archie still have a fondness for one-eyed Jewish black men?
Might be interesting. Make Archie Bunker Japanese & have him make bigoted remarks about all other races, faiths, colors, & nationalities. I’m picturing George Takei ranting about his “Polack” son-in-law, and I’m already giggling.
Since we’re rebooting, here’s a few others they may bring back:
Three’s Company – A very gay Jack Tripper has to convince his very gay landlord that he’s straight so that he can live with a gay couple and not make it seem like the weird threesome thing it actually is (Polygamy? Ewww! How deviant!)
Adam 12 – Malloy and Reed are both black and spend their entire shifts trying to keep white officers from summarily executing unarmed black suspects. Black Lives Matter meets Blue Lives Matter, and the winner is social justice.
Bosom Buddies – Kip & Henry are once again cross-dressing men living in a hotel for women, but this time they do it openly, and they must fight oppression and force their co-residents to accept their lifestyle, ease their restrictive residential rules, and bake them cakes.
Emergency! – The crew of Los Angeles County Fire Dept. Station 51 are back, except now all the firefighters are woman. And they still handle every situation perfectly despite having an inherent lack of upper body strength. And even though they were accepted under lowered physical standards, they never actually have to carry an overweight adult from a burning building, so they’re just as good as any man. Equality!
Bewitched – Samantha’s not an actual witch with magical powers anymore, just a practicing Wiccan whose bizarre rituals (and even bizarrer relatives) make life embarrassing and difficult for her advertising executive husband. In the end, instead of explaining everything away as a publicity stunt like in the old show, Darrin chastises his Christian co-workers for not being more open-minded and accepting or other religions.
Charlie’s Angels – It’s still beautiful women fighting crime, but they’re all in wheelchairs, and spend most of the show complaining about the injustice of curbs and small flights of stairs. Also, Charlie is an artificial intelligence voiced by Stephen Hawking.
The Dukes of Hazzard – Week after week, the part-Native-American Roscoe P. Coltrane (played by racial xenomorph Lou Diamond Phillips) systematically arrests every cousin & uncle in the Duke family for hate crimes.
If you know of any other reboots in the works, drop ’em in the comments.
Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the Obama administration may launch a retaliatory cyber strike against Russia in response to what Washington believes to be interference by Moscow in this year’s election.
In an interview with NBC’s Meet the Press on Sunday morning, Mr Biden said “we’re sending a message” to Russian President Vladimir Putin about the election-related hacking. “He’ll know it.”
“We have the capacity to do it. It will be at the time of our choosing, and under the circumstances that have the greatest impact,” he told NBC.
According to Wikileaks, the 10 most likely ways that Joe Biden will attack Russia are:
Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]
1) Sudden reversal of all current global warming policies, leading to the inevitable collapse of the Russian fur hat industry.
I think the next frontier in offense will be the study of nanoaggressions: nonverbal communication that a person could use to express contempt for an oppressed group, but that are too subtle to qualify as a microaggression.
Currently Identified Nanoaggressions
3. Making eye contact
4. Breaking eye contact
5. Faking eye contact
6. Slaking eye contact
There have also been exciting breakthroughs in the realm of femtoaggressions: Quantum uncertainty comes into play at that scale, so it is impossible to simultaneously know the race and sexuality of a femtoaggression.
The idea of an attoaggression is, of course, just an offensive attempt by bigots to trivialize the concept of prefixaggressions with satire. I dare say even mentioning it counts as a milliaggression.
Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 28th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.
Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.
Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…
15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY
1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.
2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.
3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.
4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.
5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.
6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”
7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.
8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.
9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.
10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.
11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.
12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.
13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.
14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.
15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
I opened another tab to do a Bing search of the question, “Is Obama a Christian?”
I only typed 2 words, “is Obama …”, when Bing started offering me suggestions:
1. Is Obamacare working?
2. Is Obama a Muslim?
3. Is Obama’s daughter pregnant?
4. Is Obama a Sunni or Shiite?
5. Is Obama a member of the Muslim Brotherhood?
6. Is Obama the antichrist?
7. Is Obama the worst president in history?
So, since the question, “Is Obama a Christian?” didn’t even make the Top Seven suggestions, why should we worry about it?
The government wheelchair program (to make getting around easier):
1) offer wheelchairs to the public
2) realize that there isn’t enough demand because people can walk, so start a new program to break citizen’s legs
3) raise taxes by far more than the cost of the wheelchair to pay for the wheelchairs of those that can’t be taxed enough to pay for theirs
4) realize that nobody can get around because there’s not enough wheelchair ramps
5) mandate that everyone make everything wheelchair-accessible at their own expense
6) realize that there are too many wheelchairs causing congestion because wheelchairs are harder to maneuver than walking
7) create a new program to counsel people that require a lot of mobility that perhaps it would be better for everyone involved if they just stayed home and starved to death
8) remind you how lucky you are to have such a caring and compassionate government to make the world more wheelchair-accessible and how without it, you’d be stuck in a ditch with your wheels rusting off.
Republican Congressman Steve Stockman of Texas introduced a bill. I’ve lifted the following description from the Congressman’s site:
Under Stockman’s bill, “The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act,” taxpayers who do not provide documents requested by the IRS can claim one of the following reasons:
1. The dog ate my tax receipts
2. Convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction
3. Traded documents for five terrorists
4. Burned for warmth while lost in the Yukon
5. Left on table in Hillary’s Book Room
6. Received water damage in the trunk of Ted Kennedy’s car
7. Forgot in gun case sold to Mexican drug lords
8. Forced to recycle by municipal Green Czar
9. Was short on toilet paper while camping
10. At this point, what difference does it make?
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