10 Peculiar Reasons Hillary Lost the Election

They’re still in shock, but the liberal media spin is coming, so try not to drown in the flood of pitiful excuses they make for her. Which may or may not include the following, which I probably just made up:


If we wanted to taste the rainbow, we'd eat Skittles

If we wanted to taste the rainbow, we’d elect a bag of Skittles

1) Russian hackers, whackers, crackers, flackers, snackers, stackers, and Packer-backers (Go Aaron Rodgers!)… and Methodists.

2) Canklephobes

3) Couldn’t best Trump in a battle of wits because she didn’t know that iocaine powder comes from Autralia.

4) Not enough videos of celebrities demanding her victory.

5) Saying “Pokemon Go to the polls” with a straight face. Anyone sociopathic enough to do that can’t be trusted with the nuclear codes.

6) She actually was 50 points ahead. But only in California.

7) Unfair height disadvantage during debates with Trump, as they wouldn’t allow her to wear her KISS boots. Or makeup.

8) Headlight-deer Bill’s sidelong glance at the Non-Consensuals during the debate.

9) Basket of deplorables? Who in this day and age keeps their deplorables in a basket when Amazon sends you a free storage box with every purchase? SO out of touch…

10) The dog ate her campaign strategy. Then Obama ate her dog.


Any other reasons she might have lost?

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10 Trump Inauguration Invitees

I heard liberals are upset because a marching band from a historically black college will play at Trump’s inauguration.

I wonder what else will spoil their day?

I speculate thusly:


A plump, juicy puppy, no longer afraid to go near the White House.

A plump, juicy puppy, no longer afraid to go near the White House.

1) A Fort Marcy Park ranger.

2) The same 4 women Trump held that presser with, debuting their new barbershop quartet, The Non-Consensuals.

3) 100 bakers who don’t mind making your gay wedding cake, so you can leave that poor Christian baker alone.

4) A guy who admits that, although he watched the “Dukes of Hazzard” because the roof of the General Lee was a racist dogwhistle, he mostly watched it because of Daisy’s shorts.

5) A woman who wasn’t comfortable voting for Hillary because she could never remember if it was spelled with one “l” or two.

6) Not one single hot dog cart offering arugula as a topping.

7) $10 buys your name on a brick. You KNOW where you’ll need to go to visit it afterward.

8) A very twisty hedge-maze called the “Crooked Hillary”. At the center is an unsecured email server.

9) Betting station: Trump’s Hair vs. Unbreakable Comb

10) Russian hackers collecting their secret paychecks.

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7 Old TV Shows Due for a Reboot

Rumor has it there’s thoughts of reviving “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons”.

But will Archie still have a fondness for one-eyed Jewish black men?

But will Archie still have a fondness for one-eyed Jewish black men?

Might be interesting. Make Archie Bunker Japanese & have him make bigoted remarks about all other races, faiths, colors, & nationalities. I’m picturing George Takei ranting about his “Polack” son-in-law, and I’m already giggling.

And George Jefferson was always just a black Archie, anyway, so make him Korean. He’ll still hate Archie just as much, but very few people will get why.

Since we’re rebooting, here’s a few others they may bring back:


Three’s Company – A very gay Jack Tripper has to convince his very gay landlord that he’s straight so that he can live with a gay couple and not make it seem like the weird threesome thing it actually is (Polygamy? Ewww! How deviant!)

Adam 12 – Malloy and Reed are both black and spend their entire shifts trying to keep white officers from summarily executing unarmed black suspects. Black Lives Matter meets Blue Lives Matter, and the winner is social justice.

Bosom Buddies – Kip & Henry are once again cross-dressing men living in a hotel for women, but this time they do it openly, and they must fight oppression and force their co-residents to accept their lifestyle, ease their restrictive residential rules, and bake them cakes.

Emergency! – The crew of Los Angeles County Fire Dept. Station 51 are back, except now all the firefighters are woman. And they still handle every situation perfectly despite having an inherent lack of upper body strength. And even though they were accepted under lowered physical standards, they never actually have to carry an overweight adult from a burning building, so they’re just as good as any man. Equality!

Bewitched – Samantha’s not an actual witch with magical powers anymore, just a practicing Wiccan whose bizarre rituals (and even bizarrer relatives) make life embarrassing and difficult for her advertising executive husband. In the end, instead of explaining everything away as a publicity stunt like in the old show, Darrin chastises his Christian co-workers for not being more open-minded and accepting or other religions.

Charlie’s Angels – It’s still beautiful women fighting crime, but they’re all in wheelchairs, and spend most of the show complaining about the injustice of curbs and small flights of stairs. Also, Charlie is an artificial intelligence voiced by Stephen Hawking.

The Dukes of Hazzard – Week after week, the part-Native-American Roscoe P. Coltrane (played by racial xenomorph Lou Diamond Phillips) systematically arrests every cousin & uncle in the Duke family for hate crimes.


If you know of any other reboots in the works, drop ’em in the comments.

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The 10 Most Vicious Joe Biden Attacks on Russia

Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the Obama administration may launch a retaliatory cyber strike against Russia in response to what Washington believes to be interference by Moscow in this year’s election.

In an interview with NBC’s Meet the Press on Sunday morning, Mr Biden said “we’re sending a message” to Russian President Vladimir Putin about the election-related hacking. “He’ll know it.”

“We have the capacity to do it. It will be at the time of our choosing, and under the circumstances that have the greatest impact,” he told NBC.

According to Wikileaks, the 10 most likely ways that Joe Biden will attack Russia are:


Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]

Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]


1) Sudden reversal of all current global warming policies, leading to the inevitable collapse of the Russian fur hat industry.

2) Air-dropping over their territory the things Joe knows Russia fears most, followed by a press conference where he’ll utter the infamous words “As God as my witness, I thought moose AND squirrel could fly“.

3) Ruining their nesting-doll industry by having every third set feature Cackling Witch Hat Hillary in the center.

4) Secretly replacing the Ruble with Obama Fun Bucks

5) Putting powerful mind-control drugs into Russia’s water supply. When no one is affected, correcting the error and putting it into Russia’s vodka supply.

6) Slipping into Putin’s bedroom and putting a My Little Pony head under his sheets. Twilight Sparkle! Nooooooo!

7) Stealing all of Russia’s military secrets by tripling the manpower in our Wasilla-based observation towers.

8) Pushing through a binding UN resolution to get the name changed to the African-American Sea.

9) Sue Russia for copyright infringement over its red, white, and blue flag. Joe knows plagiarism when he sees it!

10) Institute Proton Savings Time, where all elements of the periodic table will drop one atomic number, thus converting all of Russia’s atomic bombs into useless protactinium.

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Jim Henson Couldn’t Have Done It Worse

Just a thought that occurred to me… I don’t think there’s enough answers for a Straight Line, but I wanted to discuss it.

Trump and Hillary are both objectively horrible people, and I was wondering if there were muppets that were worse.

Animal? No, he’s pretty harmless as long as he has drums to play with and Floyd’s holding his chain.

Oscar the Grouch? Basically just Dick Cheney with fewer lawyer-shooting notches on his shotgun. Not so bad, really.

Crazy Harry? Nah. Unlike Hillary, does not have any confirmed kills.

Lew Zealand? Maybe. I don’t like the way that he says his boomerang fish will come back to him, and a lot of them never do. Who needs another lying politician?

Marvin Suggs? Probabably. I think the Muppaphone video will be his Benghazi.

Am I missing anyone?

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Promoted Comment: Aggressions!

CayleyGraph [High Praise!] takes “microaggressions” to the next level:

I think the next frontier in offense will be the study of nanoaggressions: nonverbal communication that a person could use to express contempt for an oppressed group, but that are too subtle to qualify as a microaggression.

Currently Identified Nanoaggressions

1. Yawning

2. Coughing

3. Making eye contact

4. Breaking eye contact

5. Faking eye contact

6. Slaking eye contact

7. Exhaling

There have also been exciting breakthroughs in the realm of femtoaggressions: Quantum uncertainty comes into play at that scale, so it is impossible to simultaneously know the race and sexuality of a femtoaggression.

The idea of an attoaggression is, of course, just an offensive attempt by bigots to trivialize the concept of prefixaggressions with satire. I dare say even mentioning it counts as a milliaggression.

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15 Fun Facts About Earth Day

(reposted from 2012)

Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 28th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.

Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.

Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…

15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY

1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.

2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.

3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.

4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.

5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.

6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”

7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.

8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.

9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.

10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.

11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.

12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.

13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.

14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.

15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
______________

Final thought:

Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #189,480)

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Promoted Comment: Obama Is…

In the comments to this post, 4of7 of Little Worlds [High Praise!] said:

———–

I opened another tab to do a Bing search of the question, “Is Obama a Christian?”

I only typed 2 words, “is Obama …”, when Bing started offering me suggestions:

1. Is Obamacare working?
2. Is Obama a Muslim?
3. Is Obama’s daughter pregnant?
4. Is Obama a Sunni or Shiite?
5. Is Obama a member of the Muslim Brotherhood?
6. Is Obama the antichrist?
7. Is Obama the worst president in history?

So, since the question, “Is Obama a Christian?” didn’t even make the Top Seven suggestions, why should we worry about it?

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Promoted Comment: Mandated Government Programs

[High Praise! to blarg]

The government wheelchair program (to make getting around easier):

1) offer wheelchairs to the public
2) realize that there isn’t enough demand because people can walk, so start a new program to break citizen’s legs
3) raise taxes by far more than the cost of the wheelchair to pay for the wheelchairs of those that can’t be taxed enough to pay for theirs
4) realize that nobody can get around because there’s not enough wheelchair ramps
5) mandate that everyone make everything wheelchair-accessible at their own expense
6) realize that there are too many wheelchairs causing congestion because wheelchairs are harder to maneuver than walking
7) create a new program to counsel people that require a lot of mobility that perhaps it would be better for everyone involved if they just stayed home and starved to death
8) remind you how lucky you are to have such a caring and compassionate government to make the world more wheelchair-accessible and how without it, you’d be stuck in a ditch with your wheels rusting off.

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Republican Congressman Roundly Mocks IRS’s “Lost Emails” Excuse

(Submitted by jw via Stockman.House.Gov [High Praise!])

Republican Congressman Steve Stockman of Texas introduced a bill. I’ve lifted the following description from the Congressman’s site:

——————

Under Stockman’s bill, “The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act,” taxpayers who do not provide documents requested by the IRS can claim one of the following reasons:

1. The dog ate my tax receipts
2. Convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction
3. Traded documents for five terrorists
4. Burned for warmth while lost in the Yukon
5. Left on table in Hillary’s Book Room
6. Received water damage in the trunk of Ted Kennedy’s car
7. Forgot in gun case sold to Mexican drug lords
8. Forced to recycle by municipal Green Czar
9. Was short on toilet paper while camping
10. At this point, what difference does it make?

——————-

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Hashtag Fun: #HillaryIsSoPoor

A Twitter meme based on Hillary’s claim that she & Bill were “dead broke” upon leaving the White House.

Here are some good ones that I found via a casual skim of the hashtag search results:


* #HillaryIsSoPoor She’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

* #HillaryIsSoPoor that she only got $14M for a book that sold 60K copies & no one read (except for the Monica part).

* #HillaryIsSoPoor she had to take the White House china and furniture!

* #HillaryIsSoPoor She Wants To Win In 2016 So Can Get A Reverse Mortgage On The White House!

* #HillaryIsSoPoor, her daughter had to take a low paying job with a local TV station for only $600,000.

* Rumor: Chelsea Clinton will team up with Beyonce to form a girl band called “Poverty’s Child” #HillaryIsSoPoor

* #HillaryIsSoPoor she ran out of minutes by Sept 10th & couldn’t return Amb. Stevens’ call.

* #HillaryIsSoPoor that she has had to live on government money confiscated from private sector taxpayers for her entire life.

* #HillaryIsSoPoor she couldn’t afford the faithful husband upgrade

* #HillaryIsSoPoor, I lit a match in her house + roaches started singing “Clap your hands,stomp your feet,praise the Lord ’cause we got heat!”

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Lactose the Intolerant’s Valentine’s Day Tips

For those of you who, unlike me, have procrastinated making Valentine’s Day plans and purchasing gifts, here are some tips to celebrating the holiday that have helped me in the past.

  • I challenge any women to tell the difference between the See’s Chocolates fresh from the store and the slightly marred ones I salvaged from their dumpster
  • When looking for flowers, funeral homes and cemeteries always have the nicest arrangements
  • It may seem like a good idea to give housekeeping supplies as a gift, but that is never well received
  • Make sure the escort you order is less attractive than your significant other
  • While surprises may be exciting, it is sometimes best to talk about things first.  Valentine’s Day may not be the best time to unexpectedly bring out the edible clown makeup for the first time
  • I have learned through sad experience that, despite rumors to the contrary, conversation hearts are not an aphrodisiac, and they are also a poor substitute for use in either conversation or transplantation
  • A Human Centipede marathon is a poor way to get her in the mood
  • Reenactments of the St. Valentine’s Day massacre aren’t generally regarded as sexy to most women
  • No matter how much they complain about their weight, women are never happy when you give them a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
  • Don’t waste your time with jewelry. There is never any in the dumpster behind the store, and the stuff you can steal from grandma’s bedroom is way too tacky
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Happy MLK Day

The President, being a human who likes to strip away our rights, has big plans for Human Rights Day.  Here are some of the things he has on the agenda as he celebrates today:

  • Host the annual MLK White House Bo-BQ.  (It is BYOB, bring your own Bo.  He doesn’t like to share)
  • Go to the Antique Roadshow and get an appraisal for his collection of vintage race cards
  • Finally sit at the back of the bus with the cool kids
  • Carefully review the text in the teleprompter before his speech this year and make sure autocorrect didn’t change MLK to MILF again
  • Formally announce that the White House will be renamed because it is offensive to Caucasians.  For the next 6 months it will be called the Verizon House.  During periods of time when a paid endorsement cannot be obtained, it will be called the European-American House
  • Try and settle on the ideal date to celebrate national BHO Day, also known as Human Bondage Day
  • In anticipation of Human Bondage Day, play master and servant with Bill, the interns and Helle Thorning-Schmidt
  • Have a dream that was not from his father
  • Devise some more policies that will undermine the basic human rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness of Americans and make them slaves of the ‘greater good’
  • Relax a bit and bet a couple of grand on the underground racist redneck rustlin’ circuit
  • Review some of his favorite Reverend Wright sermons
  • Sit back and watch the Duck Dynasty marathon, taking careful notes so he can draft A & E a sternly worded letter afterwards
  • Invite Paula Deen to the Bo-BQ so she can be crowned Queen of Fools and mocked mercilessly in the stocks
  • Try and remember to get Paula Deen’s recipe for chitlins before mocking her in the stocks this time
  • Place this year in either the White House greased cracker or honky calling competitions
  • Take a moment and ponder the ways MLK would have been a better man had Barack been alive then to mentor him
  • Using the powers of the NSA, transmit his voice into the bedrooms of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Charlie Rangle, pretending to be the ghost of MLK.  Post the resulting surveillance footage on Youtube
  • Commemorate the occasion with a couple dozen selfies next to the MLK statue
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Happy Birthday Lil Kim

So Dennis Rodman went to visit Kim Jong Un again, this time for his birthday.  Rodman just loves the little fella so much.  He really went overboard with the presents this year.  I think we are going to have to deal with one spoiled little dictator for a while.  Here is what Dennis was reported to have given Kim Jong Un for his birthday:

  • 500 lbs of Solyent Chow to keep his hounds primed for human flesh
  • A regulation child size basketball
  • Matching ‘I heart my BFF’ tramp stamps
  • A leading role in Dennis’ new youtube video, Two Boys One Cup (He gets to be the cup)
  • A handmade coupon book with ten coupons for “Dennis’ Special Sensual Bro-ssages.”
  • A five layer Happy Birthday yellowcake-238
  • A bedtime piggyback ride around the palace
  • A gift certificate to Great Clips
  • A Korean-Ebonics dictionary
  • Matching his-and-his Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh outfits for role-playing time
  • The collected works of Noam Chomski
  • A matching set of Code Pink ‘I heart Dictators’ footie pajamas
  • A Fisher Price “My First Torture” set
  • A lifetime supply of platform shoes
  • A triple dosing of birthday spankings

I think he made one happy Lil Kim.

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President Lies-With-a-Fist?

So Elizabeth Warren is planning on giving Hillary a challenge in her bid for President. White guilt compels me to support her.  Now is the time for us palefaces to return executive power in this land to the Native Americans, like Elizabeth “Lies-With-a-Fist” Warren.  Besides, she is so inept, watching her run would be so much fun.  My inside sources are telling me these are some of the concepts/strategies she is planning on using against Hillary in the primaries:

  • What? Benghazi on my watch?  My people brought you Custer’s Last Stand
  • Values matter.  The men of my people only smoked cigars and posed with them for wooden carvings
  • Look at our environmental records.  I am the only true anti-litter candidate (tear streams silently down cheek)
  • I am the only candidate who can move to DC and root for the Redskins with a clean conscience
  • Hillary had been working with Iran for 4 years with no results. I’ve already developed a positive, working relationship with Iran. In exchange for letting them pursue nuclear technology, they have already given me all these blankets and shiny beads
  • I am the only candidate committed to the idea that if you like your Shaman you can keep your Shaman
  • I will commission the new Trail of Tears Monumental highway system which will connect and give easy access to all the Indian Casinos
  • The only part of Hillary that belongs in the Oval Office is her scalp on my wall
  • I’ll just arrange to air drop peace pipes over the Middle East. Problem solved
  • Once Obamacare has dealt with the overpopulation problem, I can lead our people that remain back to living in harmony off the land
  • It takes a village to run a county
  • To maintain continuity, I will select Joe “Dances-Like-a-Special-Ed-Kid-With-a-Sparkler” Biden as my VP
  • A mustang in every garage and peyote in every pot
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