Which I guess makes sense if your family is:

* Simpson

* O.J. Simpson

* Addams

* Munster

* Griffin

* Manson

* Hitler

* Jong Il

* Bates

* Frankenstein

* The Impaler (assuming Vlad was married)

* Whatever family ran that little chainsaw shop in Texas.

Any other “federal families” you can think of?

Your post [on the Hillary-as-superhero comic book] got me to thinking. Do liberals start trolling sites like IMAO only to get distracted by satire that they think are acutally wonderful ideas? And can we use that to our advantage?

I say yes, and maybe.

Here are some things I’ve suggested in Newsish Fakery posts that liberals might think are good ideas:

* Denounce those calling Obama a liar as being bigoted against Deception-Americans.

* Negotiate with wildfires instead of fighting them.

* Declare the Constitution “hate speech“.

* Apologize for the Declaration of Independence.

* Return the Louisiana Purchase for a refund.

* Have the US declare bankruptcy.

* Blow up Los Angeles to atone for using waterboarding-obtained information to thwart a terrorist plot to do so.

* Tea control laws to prevent right-wing activists from using tea bags in protests.

* Battery-powered “green” military vehicles.

* Cap & Trade program for political dissent.

* Banning guns that are too pretty.

* Not-for-profit banking.

* Bailouts for the Obama merchandise industry.

My first thought is put it on DNC letterhead, title it “Proposed 2012 Democrat Party Platform” and send it to Debbie Wasserman Shultz, who’ll think it’s real (I mean, honestly, she’s… just not very bright). Then the platform gets adopted, Obama runs on it, and BOOM! – GOP landslide.

My second thought is to ask you guys how YOU think we could use this to our advantage.

So… let’s hear it, folks…

Let’s not also forget that political violence is not merely tolerated on the left, but actually celebrated. No one on the right is going to show up at a Tea Party rally in an Eric Rudolph T-shirt. There are no right-wing collegians with posters of Tim McVeigh on their walls. But mass murderers like Che Guevara and Mao Tse-Tung and cop-killers like Mumia Abu Jamal are celebrated as heroes on the left; and their images adorn T-shirts, posters, and flags at most any progressive gathering.

Ok, so if the Tea Party were just the right-wing version of liberals, what T-shirts would you see at their rallies? I speculate thusly:

* Sirhan Sirhan

* Lee Harvey Oswald

* Brain tumor (Ted Kennedy)

* Dan White (killed openly-gay liberal politician Harvey Milk)

* The Rumsfeld Strangler

* Snow-covered pine tree (Michael Kennedy)

* Jeffrey Dahmer (he mostly killed & ate gays)

* Piper Saratoga (JFK Jr.)

* Dan Rostenkowski’s checkbook

and of course, lots of Monica berets and Blago wigs.

Anything else?

UPDATE: I forgot Mario Teran. Then again, he really DOES have a T-shirt.

OTHER IDEAS FOR AIRPORT SECURITY

* Some sort of written test that evaluates how Muslimy you are and looks for dangerous levels of Muslimness (I wonder how Obama would do on that test).

* Terrorists don’t like pigs, so guess who is sitting in every other seat? Did you guess pigs? That is the correct guess.

* There is no reasons to go on a plane in Muslim garb other than to make Juan Williams nervous. Scrutinize those people carefully!

* Keep terrorists arch-nemesis on ever flight: ninjas. Or am I thinking of pirates?

* If someone on a flight asks which direction Mecca is, don’t tell him! He probably just wants to do his pre-exploding prayer!

* Actually screen for suspicious people — even if that can look like profiling — instead of all this useless, CYA nonsense like confiscating water bottles to attack whatever the last threat was.

What are your ideas for airport security?

WHAT PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL PROBABLY SAY

“I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Tea Partiers!”

“STOP YELLING AT ME!!!”

“I thought I made it clear I had no idea what I was doing from the start, so I don’t get why you’re all so angry now.”

“Yay! I did another historic thing!”

“I missed what happened can someone help get this bucket off my head?”

“I’m sad to hear that Harry Reid will be leaving us… What? He was reelected? Really?”

“Is it because I’m black?”

“I’m not giving you Republicans the keys to the car! And the ditch is mine too!”

“So if I’m understanding the Tea Parties, you’re saying you want even more health care reform.”

“I will now read you a list of people who will be going under the bus…”

“Did I do that?”

“I’m doing a good job and just need to spend more! Don’t any of you read Paul Krugman?”

“I enjoy flying in a helicopter. Thup thup thup thup!”

“I blame this all on Slurpees.”

People actually get paid to come up with stuff like that? How much? I know I could do better. Here are some ideas I have for an MSNBC slogan:

FRANK IDEAS FOR AN MSNBC SLOGAN

“News for Over the Hill Hippies Who Don’t Know How to Use the Internet”

“As Biased and Partisan as the Liberals Like to Imagine FOX News Is”

“News You Can Trust… Unless You Make Eye Contact with Keith Olbermann, Then It’s News Throwing a Tantrum”

“2nd Place in the Next Medium to Die After Newspapers Is Good Enough for Us”

“If You Wonder Why It Looks Like Chris Matthews Freezes On Air, Remember We Are a Microsoft Branded Product”

“More Tools than a Home Depot”

“Please Stop Making Jokes About Rachel Maddow’s Hair”

“For the Left: Serious News. For the Right: We’re Actually a Comical Parody of the Left; We Thought It Was Obvious”

“News for the Half-Dozen People Who Still Take Keith Olbermann Seriously”

“Bad Stuff ‘Bout Republicans”

“An Angrier, Whiter Alternative to FOX News”

MORE PLEDGES FOR AMERICA

* Our nation’s borders will be protected by giant robots.

* Foods will no longer get FDA approval unless they contain bacon.

* To help stimulate the economy, people who whine about the rich will be fired out of cannons.

* We will have a new manned mission to the moon and build a libertarian utopia there.

* We will keep reducing the federal government until it can be run out of some guy’s garage.

* Anytime there is a tax increase, one of the people who voted for it will be randomly chosen to be a human sacrifice to Moloch, god of taxes.

* Obamacare will be destroyed, and all perpetrators of it will be hunted down and forced to battle to the death in the Thunderdome.

* Any new spending increases must receive written permission from all voters.

What do you want added to the GOP agenda?

FACTS ABOUT THE VICE PRESIDENCY, ACCORDING TO JOE BIDEN

* He’s allowed to vote in the Senate as much as he wants as long as it doesn’t affect the outcome.

* Miami Vice was based on the later years activities of Spiro Agnew.

* According to the Constitution, he gets all the Cheetos he can eat as long as he doesn’t talk during important meetings.

* The first vice president was Benjamin Franklin. The second was Thomas Edison.

* Originally, the vice president lived in a tree house on the White House lawn, but it became infested with owls.

* When he is sleeping, vice presidential duties are taken over by his cat Noodles.

* His only power in the House of Representatives is to be able to demand that Dennis Kucinich do a silly little monkey dance for his amusement, though actually anyone can do that.

* If it’s ever needed, precedent says it’s his job to shoot Timothy Geithner.

* In times of crisis, his job is to stare out the White House window and count how many people walk in front of the building, as he’s been told that’s important data in catching spies.

* The vice president is forbidden to ever dress up as a pirate.

* He has the power to demand a specific toy from McDonald’s when ordering a Happy Meal.

* He has the only phone that can directly call the Justice League, but they’ve been busy every time he called.

* He has to send Dick Cheney $1000 any time he asked, due to a Vice Tax.

* His most important job as outlined by the Constitution is to fetch the movie everybody wants from the nearest RedBox, and he can be executed if he gets the wrong one.

* If the president is ever incapacitated, it’s his sworn duty to walk Bo.

OTHER THINGS HARRY REID SAID IN PRAISE OF COONS

* “I want to keep him in a pit and make him put the lotion on the skin.”

* “Please make him Senator! I promise to walk him every day!”

* “I wish we could both die side-by-side in a fiery car wreck so we could always be together.”

* “I will hug him and squeeze him and name him George.”

* “Tee hee. It makes me giggle when he eats from my hand.”

* “When I gaze into his eyes, I finally understand why some people turn to murder-suicide.”

* “I wish I had a miniature version of him I could keep in my pocket at all times.”

* “I just want to lick his face! Don’t you want to lick his face?”

TOP TEN AL GORE PICKUP LINES

10. “I created the internet, and now I’m going to create making love to you.”

9. “We’ll make sweet love until the compact fluorescent light bulb burns out… which is a long long time because they’re very efficient.”

8. “The science is settled: I’m dead sexy.”

7. “It would reduce your carbon footprint if you shared a room with me tonight.”

6. “If you just watch this slideshow presentation, I think it makes it pretty clear and indisputable that we should totally do it.”

5. “Lucky for you my lovemaking is a renewable resource.”

4. “It’s not only my personality and mannerisms that are stiff.”

3. “Carefully study your love making option, because I don’t want you to accidentally have sex with Pat Buchanan.”

2. “The rumors are true: I am a robot — The Sex Machine.”

And the number one Al Gore pickup line…

“Here’s an inconvenient truth: There’s only one of me to go around.”

TOP TEN EXCUSES FROM OBAMA FOR HIS POOR RESPONSE TO THE OIL SPILL

10. Thought it wasn’t a problem because oil and water don’t mix.

9. Since it was British Petroleum in the Gulf of Mexico, he assumed other countries would handle it.

8. He thought the oil leak was just looking for attention and would go away if he ignored it.

7. It looked messy, and he had just bought a new suit.

6. Handling oil spills isn’t mentioned in the Constitution, and Obama only does things specifically mentioned in the Constitution.

5. We never listened to Obama’s pleas of “let me be clear”, and thus he was forced to be very unclear about things.

4. Louisiana did such a great job with the last big disaster that hit them that he assumed they were on top of this one.

3. Birds kinda looked like they enjoyed being covered in oil.

2. He never saw the problem, because his head has been stuck in a bucket for the past fifty days.

And the number one excuse from Obama for his poor response to the oil spill…

Nothing in Obama’s history shows he knows how to do anything useful about anything.

TOP TEN BARACK OBAMA TOUGH GUY LINES

10. “See what I have on here? These are my ass-kicking pants. Stop calling them mom jeans.”

9. “Time to open a can of whupass! …Oh, but not this can; it isn’t certified organic.”

8. “I am here to kick ass and chew arugula, and I’m all out of arugula because of the high prices at Whole Foods.”

7. “Let me be clear: Your ass is mine!”

6. “Got your organic whupass now, but it’s in a jar, not a can. Time to open it! Errrr… Hmm, let me just run it under some hot water and pound it against a counter a few times and then it’s whupass!”

5. “My name is Barack Obama. You spilled oil in my gulf. Prepare for finger pointing.”

4. “I ain’t got time to bleed… but I probably have enough time to finish a round of golf.”

3. “I’m here to kick ass and take names. Mainly to take names. Please fill out this census form.”

2. “Watch out: It’s not only my close personal friends I throw under a bus.”

And the number one Barack Obama tough guy line…

“You’ve messed with the wrong president, and polls show quite clearly I am the wrong president.”

Rattlesnake are anti-treading.

So, basically, the statement needs a second part. Here are some suggestions:

DON’T TREAD ON ME…

…or I’ll set you on fire and throw you off a building.

…or I’ll be like, “Hey! What’s with all the treading?”

…or you’ll make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

…or it’s a musket to the junk.

…or I’ll pass harsh, anti-treading laws.

…or I’ll draw depictions of Muhammad.

…or I’ll tell Fred Thompson on you.

…or I’ll throw rocks at your house in the middle of the night.

…or I’ll shoot British people in red coats.

…or I’ll talk very loudly and you’ll become irrationally scared I might get violent.

…or I’ll get violent.

…or I’ll support a political opponent to you who is more adverse to treading.

Due to increased printing expenses, now costs $150.

* Has a 3D hologram of Optimus Prime fighting a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* Around the edges in microprint are the lyrics to “It’s All About the Benjamins.”

* To further confuse counterfeiters, on the back is the exact replica of the front of a twenty dollar bill.

* Under the portrait of Benjamin Franklin should be visible a tiny body holding up that giant head.

* On front in big letters is “DO NOT COPY” so counterfeiters can’t just claim they didn’t know.

* Also, in smaller letters, is a reminder that it’s not valid in the game of Monopoly.

* When held in sunlight, should see watermark of Benjamin Franklin’s arch-nemesis from an alternate universe: Fenjamin Branklin.

* Visible inside should be a security strip labeled: “Do not remove or government can’t track you.”

* Lot’s of splashes of color to celebrate the $100 bill having come out as our first openly gay currency.

TOP TEN HISTORIC STEPS OBAMA HAS MADE TO IMPROVE DEMOCRACY

10. A lollipop is handed out with every vote.

9. A camera was added every voting booth so if it looks like you’re having trouble with the ballot, someone can help you.

8. Confusing butterfly ballot replaced with mobius strip ballot.

7. Plans to add the American Idol’s “Judges’ Save” to other elections.

6. Ballot counting now done by the only group we can trust for complete accuracy: A non-partisan commission of unicorns.

5. To make ballots shorter and easier to understand, third parties are left off.

4. Leaving hanging chads is now punishable by death.

3. New Black Panthers standing at polls at threatening people with batons now must provide information on all candidates.

2. Sticker added to touchscreen voting saying, “DO NOT HACK.”

And the number one historic step Obama has made to improve democracy…

Those internet polls you vote in? Now legally binding.

TOP TEN SIGNS OBAMA DOESN’T COMMAND RESPECT

10. Anytime Obama calls on Congress, they see it’s him through caller ID and let it go to voice mail.

9. There’s been a pirate ship menacing tourists in the reflecting pool in D.C. for a week, and so far nothing has been done.

8. In his last meeting with Iran, no one heard Obama, as they were all too busy refining uranium.

7. The Secret Service has Obama open their mail for them to make sure it’s safe.

6. Every time Obama orders his dog Bo to do something, Bo later craps in one of Obama’s shoes. Similar situation with Joe Biden.

5. Obama asked to be on FOX News, but only Red Eye would take him.

4. The White House tour guides are always ordering him to clean stuff.

3. “The Red Button” placed in the Oval Office only activates the kitchen garbage disposal.

2. When Obama visited a classroom, the kids mistook his purpose there and kept asking him to make balloon animals.

And the number one sign that Obama doesn’t command respect…

When the White House staff needs a quick decision on something, they consult the teleprompter.

This line caught my eye:

What kind of message does a President send when he puts a bankruptcy lawyer in charge of the manufacturing sector? It’s comparable to appointing a tax cheat to run the Treasury… oh… wait… never mind.

and it got me thinking about what else putting a bankruptcy lawyer in charge of manufacturing is like:

“I’m available for Bar Mitzvahs”

* Putting a thunderstorm in charge of your campfire.

* Having a divorce lawyer officiate your wedding ceremony.

* Hiring a demolition crew to build your house.

* Picking Lindsay Lohan as your AA sponsor.

* Putting the Orkin man in charge of your apiary.

* Putting Jack Kevorkian in charge of the retirement home industry.

* Putting a lawn mower in charge of your flower garden.

* Hiring Tiger Woods to teach kids about abstinence.

* Having George Lucas direct your epic space opera prequels.

* Letting a porcupine guard your condoms.

* Putting Harry Reid in charge of your Negro Black History Month celebration.

And also by the old generation, who, sadly, is afflicted with Alzheimer’s and completely forgot they read this in 2004.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.

* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.

* That happens usually three times a year.

* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.

* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”

* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.

* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.

* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.

* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.

* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.

* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.

* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.

* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.

* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.

* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.

* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.

* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.

* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.

* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.

* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.

* Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.

* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.

* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.

* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.

* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.

* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.

* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.

* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.

* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?

* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.

* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”

I ain’t Miss Manners, but that seems a little inappropriate for a discussion between duly elected Congresscritters.

Wonder what’s prodding old Switchin’ Specter’s irritable bowels to get him in such a huff?

I speculate thusly:

“Shut up, toots! I’m talkin’!… now… the important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time…”

* Not used to having women talk back to him. Heck, he’s still getting used to the notion of pushbuttons on his telephone.

* Kids on his lawn again, and him not sitting in his favorite yellin’ chair.

* Feeling conflicted – yeah, Kennedy’s seat went to a Republican, but at least their ain’t some broad sitting in it.

* Hates that every new invention starts with a lower case “i”. Misses the days when the prefix “electro” was cat’s pajamas.

* Still upset that Barbara Boxer got called “ma’am“, instead of the proper honorific, “Little Missy”.

* Wet Depends

* Bachmann is a German name, and it’s just too soon to start trusting the Krauts again.

* Really, really misses Rosebud.

* Not barefoot – fine. Not pregnant – fine. Couldn’t she have at least called that radio show from her kitchen?

* Once jilted by a flapper named “Michele”

Sadly, the site died quickly, because the MSM is, for some reason, putting a moratorium on the phrase “test for Obama”.

Here’s the trend – Jan 2006 to Dec 2009 on top, Jan to Dec 2009 on the bottom:

Funny… if picking up a Nobel Prize was a test, you’d think that only missing a terror bombing through dumb luck, inept chemistry, and a surly Dutchman would qualify.

So obviously the UnderBomber incident wasn’t a test. Then what WAS it?

Complete the sentence “The UnderBomber incident was _______ for Obama”.

* a wedgie

* the one time Chris Matthews’s leg didn’t tingle

* a black eye

* Please ignore that last item, as use of the word “black” in reference to Obama is racist.

* “First Black president” is ok, though.

* “First Negro president”… not so much.

* Unless it’s said by someone from the census bureau.

* the sound of John McCain saying “I told you so”

* a real-life lolbama!

Also, another passenger having to do all the work of subduing this turd. You’d think by now that every airline flight would include at least one non-Muslim ex-Special Forces guy with a loaded Glock and a bellyful of unresolved anger management issues.

In response to this latest attack, the airlines have vowed to keep America safer by… randomly inconveniencing passengers:

Passengers on a flight from New York to Tampa Saturday morning were also told they must remain in their seats and couldn’t have items in their laps, including laptops and pillows.

[...]

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said [...] the measures “are designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same thing everywhere.”

Um… ok… the guy’s got explosives in his underwear, so they take away… pillows… and laptops.

Now passengers can’t nap and they can’t play Solitaire. People are going to start blowing up planes out of sheer boredom.

But if the goal is irritated passengers, I might as well offer some helpful suggestions:

“I specifically asked for the vegetarian meal!”

* In-flight movie: An Inconvenient Truth. Added bonus – the audio track has a half-second lag

* Stewardesses who speak only Lithuanian.

* Have the Captain actually turn off the NO SMOKING sign, but if someone tries to light up, announce that it’s Opposite Day.

* Hire undercover midgets to scream, cry, and kick the back of people’s seats.

* Smallpox infected blankets

* Overhead Thunderdome compartments – “Two bags enter, one bag leaves”.

* Airsickness bags not changed unless full

* Hitting stewardess call button triggers playing of “Poker Face“. Endless loop. No “off” option.

* People not paying attention during the safety lecture will be beaten with the demo seatbelt.

* Safety lecture now includes directions for putting out flaming Muslim underpants.

Smith & Wesson is expecting sales to rise by 30 per cent to $102 million in the first quarter of the next financial year, after growing by more than 13 per cent this year to $335 million.

At Sturm and Ruger, sales for the third quarter hit $71.2 million, up 70 per cent from the same period last year. At Glock, the leader in law enforcement markets, pistol sales rose by 71 per cent in the first quarter of the financial year for 2010, in comparison with the same period last year.

Now the FBI says there’s been a drop in the crime rate, and ABC News thinks it’s because of…

Cops with computers:

Professor James Alan Fox, a criminologist at Northeastern University, said police have been more targeted in recent years on repeat offenders and high-crime areas, often using computers.

Yeah, sure, it’s all about the SCMODS.

Since they’re not going to connect the dots, I’ll just toss off some half-assed suggestions as to why crime may have dipped. And, stupid as they are, they’re STILL better guesses than what the torpid teleprompter-readers at ABC threw out there:

Is America safe for kittens again?

* Criminals imagine that by doing nothing, they could win a Nobel Peace Prize, just like Obama.

* Can’t get to the liquor store to rob it because the streets are packed with two feet of Gore Effect Global Warming.

* Shortage of criminals due to a vast swath of them “going legit” as Obama’s Czars.

* Obama must’ve passed a bill designed to increase crime.

* ACORN lost its funding.

* Crime now uncool since iPhone doesn’t have an app for that.

* Death of Michael Jackson to blame for decrease in number of Smooth Criminals.

* Combination of the popularity of the Snuggie, and the fact that it has no pocket for your gun.

* Illegal activity is no longer counted as a “crime”, it’s counted as “creating or saving a cop’s job”.

* It’s not going down! It’s going up! We have the hockey-stick graph to prove it! Global Criming is REAL!

I also assume that Chinese Chinese food comes with a fortune cookie, just like American Chinese food.

Which leads to the obvious speculative query: what fortunes did Obama get in his fortune cookies?

I speculate thusly:

* You do good job! Take a bow!

* If you have bad news to break, leave town and let Holder guy do it.

* You look better wearing Mao jacket. Everyone look better wearing Mao jacket. Whole world wear Mao jacket soon!

* You will try something new – a terrorist in New York City.

* China cold like Chicago. Bring heavy coat.

* Save lives. Make Biden walk.

* Prosperity is coming. Just tax it until it go away.

* Why you let wife go out in public dressed like that?

* Today you meet friend from long ago. Tomorrow you throw him under bus.

* Seriously, where birth certificate?

The rest might as well be.

“Before/After – no more wallowing in freakish misery.”

* Getting Nancy Pelosi the reconstructive surgery needed to stop people from describing her face as “had a swordfight ‘To The Pain‘ and lost”.

* Hiring people to fill out the government paperwork on how many jobs you created with your stimulus money

* Hitting on college freshmen (just the hot chicks).

* Buying cars for a Driver’s Ed class.

* Giving the baby-sitter a raise.

* Putting even MORE chocolate chips in Chips Ahoy! cookies.

* Requiring road construction projects to employ both primary and back-up “shovel leanin’ guys”.

* Shopping cart repair for homeless people.

* Lawnmower drag race pit crew.

* Re-felting old muppets.

* Upgrading the nation’s energy grid to allow it to receive power directly from the Energizer Bunny.

The Vatican said it will make it far easier for disgruntled Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, in one of Rome’s most sweeping gestures to a Protestant church since the Reformation.

A newly created set of canon laws, known as an “Apostolic Constitution,” will clear the way for entire congregations of Anglican faithful to join the Catholic Church.

This is just crazy. Unless the Pope is going to reverse his position on quickie divorces for English Kings, I don’t see how this can work.

I mean, come on… what’s next on the “improbable mash-ups” list?:

* Irresistable Forces & Immovable Objects

* Fred Thompson & John Edwards

* Rush Limbaugh & Nancy Pelosi

* Smooth & Chunky peanut butter – It’s SMUNKY!

* Obama & decisive action

* Anita Dunn & Ayn Rand

* Barney Frank & Ann Coulter

* McDonalds & The Louvre… oh, wait…

* Michelle Obama & fashion sense

* Sausage McMuffins & donuts