Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

I Guess We Will Have to Ban Knifes Now

Sunday, May 26, 2013 1:30 pm

Even though the machete/butcher’s cleaver terrorists in England openly stated they were Jihadists, the media still can’t seem to accept that simple fact.  Something else, probably America or right wing nutjobs, must be the root cause.  Something like a combination of these:

  • The attackers weren’t really Jihadists.  They were just following orders because AIPAC had their families.
  • They were just so mad that 24 will be coming back.
  • Bath salts followed by too many hours watching Gordon Ramsey.
  • This Youtube video.
  • They were really vacationing Tea Partiers, and this was their way of mourning Margaret Thatcher.
  • They were driven to violence by British cuisine.
  • Lack of bacon makes anyone testy.
  • They were just soccer hooligans who hadn’t realized the Manchester United brawl hadn’t already ended.
  • They were paid operatives of the NRA employed to demonstrate how vulnerable an unarmed society is.
  • If they guy didn’t want to get attacked, then he shouldn’t have dressed like a soldier.
  • They thought they heard the victim mention Trig in a disparaging manner, and they just love math so much they couldn’t bear it. (For you Bunkerhillbilly)
Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Give Me an E! Give Me a P! Give Me an A! What Does That Spell? Couldn’t Tell You. I Went to Public School.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013 1:30 pm

OK, now things are just getting silly.  The EPA is targeting me now.  What has happened to my freedom to pollute my land as I see fit?  Might one of these be the cause:

  • Apparently I’m not allowed to compost those half dozen hobos that used to be shackled in my crawlspace.
  • My hellions keep running the AC with the windows open.
  • The by-products of my genetic experiments have to be properly disposed of as biohazardous wastes.  Apparently consumption at a neighborhood BBQ isn’t good enough.
  • They are concerned that I fertilize my garden with my expired prescriptions.
  • My controlled refuse burning sometimes includes my neighbors’ cats.
  • My hepatitis C mutated, anthropomorphized and was reportedly seen stalking the local children.
  • My controlled refuse burning sometimes includes my expired ‘prescriptions.’  (It makes for a really interesting smore party).
  • My hepatitis was later seen meeting a yeast infection at a seedy motel with a crate of petri dishes. Offspring are feared. 
  • They frown upon my practice of weaving my own cloth from discarded asbestos.
  • They don’t approve of the lead bodypaint we use to protect ourselves from Obama’s mind control transmissions.
  • They just need someone to crucify like when the Romans come to town.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

I Think Frank J May Need a Little More Advice

Monday, May 13, 2013 12:15 pm

Since the Frank family seems to be Pitocin challenged, I thought I could help out with some more unsolicited advice.  Here are some of the ways we used to induce labor back in the old days.

  • Take a trip to the trampoline park.
  • Force the expectant mother to march up and down the stairs to the beat of you playing the Twilight soundtrack on your vuvezela.
  • Remind the unborn child that Obamacare is being implemented, and the mandatory abortion clause may become effective any day now.
  • Tell the unborn child that your ob/gyn is going on vacation tomorrow, and the substitute physician will be Kermit Gosnell.
  • Smoke a wee bit of crack, and then tell the unborn child he gets no more until he comes out.
  • Show the unborn child the analysis you have done that demonstrates that each day he is past the due date statistically increases his chances of being sold to the gypsies.  (I ran the numbers through Michael Mann’s algorithm, so it of course produced a hockeystick shaped curve.  Don’t argue.  The science is settled).
  • Assure the unborn child that Mother’s Day is past now, so he doesn’t have to be ashamed he didn’t get mommy a gift now.
  • Let the unborn child know that every day he waits to be born is just one day more he has to wait to get legally drunk.
  • Tell the unborn child not to be afraid to be born.  You would never enter him in underground drunken toddler knife fights without properly training him first.
  • Assure the unborn child that though the world may seem bleak right now, no matter how scary she looks, you would never let Nancy Pelosi eat him.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (10 votes, average: 4.60 out of 5)

Top 12* Reasons Why Frank’s Kid Hasn’t Shown Up Yet

Monday, May 13, 2013 9:45 am

*IMAO Top 12 Lists are guaranteed to have 20% more content than other blogs’ Top 10 Lists!

12) Forgot to set the alarm clock.

11) Can’t find his Birth Certificate.

10) New 0bamaCare regulation stating that all babies must be born on the same day each year to save paperwork.

9) Stork made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

8) Sarah following through on threat not to let him out until he cleans up his womb.

7) Attempting to set the new world record for human gestation.

6) Refusing to come out until somebody does something about who the President is!

5) 3 words: Bacon Flavored Placenta.

4) Recently featured on an episode of Pimp My Womb, refusing to leave newly renovated digs.

3) Still negotiating for a larger room and more allowance.

2) Sarah was just stuffing a pillow under her shirt for the last 9 months, wanted to see how long it took Frank to figure it out.

1) Found out who his Father is. Can you blame him?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Happy Mother’s Day from Ms. Schultz

Sunday, May 12, 2013 4:00 pm

In an effort to distance herself from editorials claiming that Mother’s Day is sexist and mothers should not be singled out and honored for outdated, oppressive stereotypes, Deborah Wasserman Schultz has started a Mother’s Day competition to find the mother that most embodies her liberal ideals.  Here are her candidates.  Please vote for your favorite or nominate your own.

  • Hillary Clinton
  • Mrs. Tsarnaev
  • Madonna
  • Nadya Suleman
  • Farrah Abraham
  • Snooki
  • Mitchell Pritchett and Cameron Tucker
  • The black widow spider
  • Gwyneth Paltrow
  • Kris Jenner
  • Susan Smith
  • Lucille Bluth
  • Mommie Dearest
  • Carrie’s mother
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • John Travolta

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

More Unsolicited Parenting Advice for Frank J

Friday, May 10, 2013 10:15 am

Well, since Frank’s baby still hasn’t arrived yet, I figured I might pass on some more of my parenting wisdom.  Here are some of the principles/techniques that have worked well for me.

  • When your kid won’t go to sleep and keeps crying out that he is afraid because there is a monster in his closet, don’t yell back, “Be quiet or it will hear you.” The kid won’t go to sleep, and it will only make your wife really irate.
  • Spend the time necessary to make sure your child develops a good relationship with each of your personalities.
  • Oddly enough, the use of shock collars to train your toddler is illegal in Idaho.
  • If you are white and adopt a black child, don’t use one of those child leashes.  People might get the wrong idea and think you are pining for the plantation.
  • If you want to get the child into television commercials or think he has a chance of working in Hollywood, better be safe and get him circumcised.
  • I would recommend not exposing your children to high levels of radiation of any kind.  At least, it didn’t give any of my offspring super powers.
  • Never tell your kids that you wish they would be more like the kids next door if you live next door to an abortion clinic.  It will give them a complex.
  • When raising your kids, always pretend to be a liberal progressive, so that when they rebel they will become perfect, little conservatives.
  • Let them know from a very early age that, as a matter of principle, you don’t negotiate with kidnappers.
  • Make sure to send all your kids to finishing school as soon as possible.  That makes them much more valuable on the black market.
  • The most important bit of advice I can offer from siring multiple children: keep the receipt and make sure you fully understand your hospital’s return policy. 

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (9 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Just Like Mom Used to Make

Wednesday, May 8, 2013 10:15 am

I was shopping online for a Mother’s Day gift for the wife.  I was looking at cookbooks because what wife wouldn’t want a cookbook for Mother’s Day, and I happened upon this one.  Cooking with Coolio: The Ghetto Gourmet.  I had to get it and check out his techniques.  Here are some of his innovative approaches to cooking on an underclass budget.

  • For that extra zing, cook your pasta in that leftover bong water.
  • In a pinch, crackhead sweat can be a tangy substitute for salt.
  • The secret to cooking that meth to the magical 99% purity is just a sprinkling of cumin.
  • To give your pasta salad that special crunch and a little extra protein, sprinkle on a few toenail clippings.
  • The #14 sieve is the perfect tool for getting the dose just right for your peanut-crack brittle.
  • If your bottles of dried herbs are bare, cannabis can be substituted for anything.
  • If you are desperate, food stamps can be used to roll your joints.
  • To get that tough round steak perfectly tender, the best technique is the simple pimp slap.
  • When you have that extra special ho coming over, large cockroaches look just like little crayfish.  Or if she doesn’t like seafood, when properly cooked, leg of stray resembles leg of lamb.
  • Wine just tastes better when you steal it yourself.
  • And most importantly, remember that all meals taste better when prepared with that special, intangible ingredient: Misogyny.

[Cross Posted at Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (5 votes, average: 4.80 out of 5)

This Land is Their Land

Tuesday, May 7, 2013 10:15 am

I started looking into that new immigration bill the Democrats and Marco Rubio are putting together, and I don’t think it is really as advertised.  I found some rather interesting provisions that they seem to be keeping hush hush about.  Provisions like these:

  • A provision requires putting legal aliens in a melting pot until tender.
  • The citizenship test for those requesting amnesty include sections on bomb making and the fundamentals of Sharia Law.
  • The Fast and Furious program will be expanded to provide guns to Mexican American drug dealers.
  • Amnesty comes with free registration in the union of your choice.
  • ACORN will be in charge of organizing communities and voter registration for all new immigrants.
  • Regarding voter registration for new citizens, proof of life is optional.
  • Texas and all its proceeds will now be a fully owned subsidiary of Tijuana.
  • A new, less offensive National Anthem will be composed and performed by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J.
  • New labor laws will include a mandated daily paid siesta.
  • All illegal aliens, regardless of ethnicity, will be given a $500,000 settlement as reparations for the Mexican-American War.
  • Amnesty will not be considered for undocumented French Canadians.  Into the melting pot with them.
  • The bill establishes a separate, lower minimum wage for landscaping and housekeeping jobs.
  • Maybe it’s an error, but the sketch of the proposed border wall, drawn on a paper napkin, indicates that the wall will be 16” tall. 
  • Amnesty comes with a get out of jail free card redeemable at the federal or state correctional facility of your choice.
  • Lastly, cock fighting is finally legal.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5)

I Love Global Warming

Wednesday, May 1, 2013 10:15 am

I just read that the next bad thing about Global Warming is that it will increase prostitution.  But wait, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  My AGW model predicts the following positive benefits from increased prostitution.

  • Increased supply and competition will bring the prices down.  You won’t need to be a highly paid politician to afford Ashley Dupre.
  • With the increased supply, Democratic lawmakers will be too busy to bother governing anymore, which is good for everybody.
  • Menendez will no longer have to waste tax payer money flying to the third world to get cheap prostitutes.
  • Barney Frank will finally be able to expand his prostitution ring to include women.
  • Increased heroin and meth demand to supply the new gaggles of prostitutes will cause an economic boom in Mexico creating jobs that will draw illegal immigrants back to their homeland.
  • More prostitutes mean more pimps, which will create new jobs in the dilapidated inner cities.
  • With the new crop of second tier, less attractive escorts, the paper bag industry will thrive like never before.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Is there nothing Global Warming doesn’t make better?  Here’s to increasing carbon emissions until the globe is once more a tropical paradise from pole to pole.

[Cross posted at nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

What a Drag it Will Be Getting Old

Tuesday, April 30, 2013 10:00 am

Like Nancy Pelosi, I finally got around to reading The Affordable Care Act, and like the government, I’d like to exempt myself from it as well.  I didn’t bother reading it earlier because I was really hoping the Supreme Court would come through for me, so I know I am rather late to the party.  Based upon what I’ve seen tucked away in this law, here are some of the consequences I expect we will be seeing shortly as the implementation continues.

  • Unlike in the Cuban system, rats in operating rooms will not be required to wear surgical garb.
  • Instead of merely pulling the plug on grandma, they will go with the much more entertaining and lucrative Shooting with the Stars or Least Dangerous Game options.
  • Much of the increased revenues needed to fund the new program will come from a nationwide lottery program titled Gambling For Your Life.
  • While we won’t have to worry about back alley abortions anymore, we will need to worry about back alley appendectomies, back alley by-passes, back alley chemotherapy, back alley hip replacements…..
  • All hospital TV sets will be required to continuously stream Sicko.
  • Anesthesia will still be available for a nominal fee.
  • We won’t have to worry about those pesky nurses waking us every hour to take our pulse and our blood pressure or our temperature. Of course, we also won’t have to worry about them changing our bedpans or our sheets or our hospital gowns…..
  • Due to unexpected increases in the cost of birth control, the law suggests combatting teen pregnancy by using sex education programs to encourage bestiality.
  • In order to qualify under the program, hospital emergency rooms must minimally be equipped with a saw, a blow torch and a bitin’-stick.
  • To further fund the program, whenever a patient undergoes a surgical procedure, the government is allowed to harvest any ‘redundant’ organs to sell on the black market.
  • Anyone living on a federal pension gets first dibs on the black market organs.
  • We won’t have to worry about wealthy foreigners from countries with socialized medicine coming here and using our medical resources anymore.
  • Anyone found praying on hospital grounds will be hit with the $25 prayer tax.  Muslims and other non-Christians are exempt.
  • The head of the federal oncology treatment panel is Dr. Kevorkian.
  • Given the expected waiting period to see a doctor, all babies will be born before the first prenatal visit, and most abortions will be scheduled when the baby is between 2 and 3 years of age.
  • The Time Life series on Civil War and Down Home surgical techniques will sell out the first seventeen printings.
  • Starting out with just a pocketknife, a Hoover and a dream, I expect to make a killing with my new chain of Liposuction/Cooking Lard Huts.
  • Solyent Green will indeed be people.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Car Laws vs. Gun Laws

Tuesday, February 12, 2013 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to The Truth About Guns]

Here’s the first 10:

1- The private sale of a vehicle does not have to be reported to the state
2- A motor vehicle sale does not require a criminal background check
3- There is no limit to the capacity of horsepower a vehicle may have
4- A person can legally own a vehicle at any age
5- A vehicle can be operated in public as early as 16
6- There is no waiting period to buy a car
7- You can buy as many cars you want in a month
8- Students are allowed to bring their cars to school
9- There are no “car free zones”
10- Politicians do not create laws that ban the legal ownership of specific models of cars

Click here for the other 30.

And yes, on number 9, I’ll argue that there are plenty of places cars aren’t allowed to drive (like some national parks). Of course, if you go to one of these places, you could easily become stranded and die a horrible death, so car-free zones work about as well as gun-free zones.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (7 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Words

Friday, December 28, 2012 9:00 am

Every year, at the end of the year, there are always lists. I haven’t seen a list of lists yet, but I’m sure someone has one.

Time has a list. It’s about words:

If we could put a piece of culture in a steel vault and sink it into the blackest depths of the deepest ocean? In a special editon of Wednesday Words, TIME asks you to give it a try, by voting on which word or phrase people need to delete from their vocabulary in 2013.

What words does Time suggest?

  • 47%
  • 99%
  • 110%
  • adorkable
  • amazeballs
  • artisanal
  • cray
  • fiscal cliff
  • gangnam style
  • jelly
  • literally
  • meh
  • mommy porn
  • teehee
  • totes
  • YOLO
  • zombie apocalypse

Now, I could certainly do without lots of these words. In fact, I’ve managed to not utter nearly half of them at all, and of the others that I have said, most were my quoting others, often to make fun of them.

Except “jelly.” Of course, I used it, not to mean “jealous” but to mean the stuff that goes in a sandwich next to the peanut butter. And “cray?” It was capitalized when I used it; I was talking about the supercomputer.

While some of these words are indeed words we do not need to hear again, ever, I’m thinking there are some other words we could do without. “Obama” tops the list. “Harry Reid” is another, although I realize that’s two words. But then, so is “zombie apocalypse,” but there I go repeating myself.

What words would you like to never hear again?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

10 Things to Say to an Obama Voter Who Just Got Laid Off

Thursday, December 13, 2012 2:00 pm

[High Praise! to VW (via email)]

1. “Hey, at least that successful Mormon businessman didn’t win.”

2. “Didn’t your lady parts warn you this would happen?”

3. “Look at the bright side, gay marriage passed in four states.”

4. “Hey, Big Bird still has a job. Isn’t that the important thing?”

5. “I am sure Obama cares deeply about your situation. Maybe he’ll send you a postcard from Hawaii.”

6. “Well, look at the bright side, Rush Limbaugh is getting a massive tax increase.”

7. “Hey! Now you’ll have more time to play with your unicorn.”

8. “Isn’t it worth losing your job to know that religious organizations now have to pay for abortions and contraceptives?”

9. “Well, now you and Keith Olbermann have something else in common.”

10. “Forward!”

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (10 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

You Just Have to Ask the Right Questions

Thursday, September 13, 2012 11:00 am

A Time Magazine article is claiming that Romney won’t do well in debates with President Carter Obama. While the author’s premise is stupid and dumb, and stupid, it very well could be the case that Romney will do poorly in the debates. That is, if they are hosted by the mainstream media’s more “esteemed” personnel…as they generally are.

Not that such honest and objective journalists would ever conspire to ask certain questions in order to trip up Romney or force a gaffe or two, but if they did so, it could be pretty rough for Mitt.

Consider the following questions:
_______________

* “Governor Romney, in your opinion would the economy do better if President Obama were to stay in office and continue his excellent policies, or would the economy do worse in a Romney administration?”

* “Would you consider your foreign policy experience less than the President’s, or is he simply more experienced than you are?”

* “Governor Romney, which do you like better: Nazis or the KKK?”

* “Could you explain, in detail, how exactly you became such a racist?”

* “Governor, in your opinion, what advantages can your powers to give people murder-cancer bring to the presidency?”

* “Which do you prefer: White people or White peoples?”

* “Governor, when exactly did you begin your war on women, and as a follow up question, how does your wife feel about your hating women?”

* “What is your preferred method for beating orphans?”

* “Governor Romney, do you hate the President because he is black, or because he is only half-white?”

* “Governor, when you laugh at poor people, is it more of a cackle, or a loud guffaw?”
_______________

Whew! Those would really be some tough questions for Mitt. It’s a good thing the media would never try to set him up like that.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (7 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

What Would It Be Like to Attend the DNC?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012 3:00 pm

There have been plenty of anecdotal stories on attending this year’s Republican National Convention, and from most accounts it sounds like it was relatively fun…for a political convention. I still don’t think I’d want to go, but then if I had a reason to go I would probably enjoy it more. You know, like if I was a senator, I could walk around making people bow and kiss my ring. At least, I think that is what senators do.

Well, I was thinking: what would a day at the Democratic National Convention be like? Probably boring, but then hanging around some railroad tracks in the middle of nowhere is boring too…until there is a train wreck. And with that many Democrats and their nutty supporters in one place, there’s bound to be a few wrecks. So it could be interesting after all…

Day 1 at the DNC
________________

* You’re assaulted by the garbage police for throwing your plastic cup into a “recycle” bin instead of the “composte” bin. It’s clearly marked biodegradeable!

* You try to eat some of that great BBQ, but then are publically shamed and ridiculed by mobs of animal rights activists and militant vegans.

* You give up on the BBQ and go try to get a waffle cone…until Michelle Obama’s personal food police stop you.

* You notice Harry Reid keeps following people into the restroom.

* You keep tripping over hippies laying all over the place. You then notice those are actually the delegates.

* You keep getting the wrong change when you buy things because none of these people can do basic math.

* After listening to a dozen boring speeches, you are then forced to watch a video about how great of a president Jimmy Carter was.

* When the video is over, you suddenly feel sick and head to the restroom. You notice Harry Reid following you.

* You decide to head back to your hotel room to lay down for a bit, but then are attacked by swarms of angry bed bugs.

* Tired, hungry, and feeling a bit sick, you arrive back just in time to hear Michelle Obama speak…and then realize you forgot to bring your Klingon to English translator.
________________

Yep. Sounds like a great time to me.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (8 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

If Biden’s Brain Could Be Hacked

Monday, August 27, 2012 6:30 pm

There is a report floating around on the interwebs that scientists, using Science! have succeeded in hacking a person’s brain and retrieving information from it. As scary as that sounds, the procedure is still in its infancy, and requires a lot of brain activity to pick up on.

Regardless of this little problem, which I am sure Science! will fix eventually, I can foresee such a brain-hacking of an important person. Say…Joe Biden for instance. That would be interesting. So, of course, I had to think to myself what might be retrieved from Mr. Biden’s brain in such an experiment…

Biden Brain Hacks
______________

10. *silence* (Scientists: “crank it up to 50!“)

9. “Hmm, where have my pants gone this time?”

Hey girl. You thinking what I’m thinking?

8. “What does Barack see in that teleprompter of his? He’s not as intimate with me.”

7. “I wish I had as big of a stick as Barack does.”

6. “I wish I had a rainbow pinwheel. Those are really cool.”

5. “My favorite three letter word is wood…w-o-o-d. It has such a woody quality to it.”

4. “I had a successful dump today. Was about 150 lbs.”

3. “This brain sucking project must be a big @#$% deal.”

2. “If I had a nickel for every time Barack puts papers in my personal safe, I’d have, um, a lot of nickels.”

1. “After this is over, I am going to look up the website number for this place.”
______________

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

Things Toure Thinks Are Racist

Monday, August 20, 2012 4:00 pm

[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld]

Fun little Twitter hashtag that’s getting some play: #ThingsToureThinksAreRacist
_______________

@billhobbs: People who vote against Obama because they disagree with him, but NOT people who vote for him because he’s black

@iowahawkblog: Nielsen ratings.

@benshapiro: The cotton in a bottle of aspirin.

@billhobbs: Saltines.

@Josh_Painter: The Black Hills of South Dakota, The Red Rocks of Colorado & The White Cliffs of Dover

@amyvrwc: queso blanco

@michellemalkin: A, E, I, O, and “YOU PEOPLE!”

@JasonMattera: Hockey is incredibly racist. A bunch of white dudes slapping around a black puck.

@KerryPicket: The White House

@tylerhunter23: White water rafting

@SooperMexican: White people who quote him using the N-word.

@tylerhunter23: white out

@benshapiro: Whiteboards. They’ve taken the place of blackboards in too many classrooms.

_______________

I’ll let @derekahunter have the last word:

@derekahunter: I’d say @Toure deserves to be ignored & allowed to fade into obscurity but he’s on MSNBC, so he has.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

10 Likely VP Replacements for Joe Biden

Monday, August 13, 2012 4:00 pm

Obama’s got a problem.

Mitt Romney went and picked himself a running mate who’s young, buff, and has dreamy blue eyes, as well as his own “Hey Girl” internet meme.

Yeah, he’s got a total lock on the female demographic now (except for crazy-cat-ladies-in-training like Andrea Mitchell). Basically Romney’s VP is the guy chicks think about while reading “50 Shades of Grey”.

Obama’s got… Joe Biden.

Goofy, gaffe-machine Joe Biden, with all the sex appeal of Uncle Fester. Although maybe not even that much, because at least SOME women like bald guys.

But there’s still time for Obama to strike back. Biden can be replaced, and Obama might be desperate enough to try it.

Here’s my best guesses as to Barack’s short-list to get the female vote back:
_______________

The only thing women find more appealing than Paul Ryan.

1) Ellen DeGeneres – Hey, at least she knows how to look good in a suit & tie.

2) Hillary Clinton – She’s like the ugly, cankly best friend women keep around to make themselves look better by comparison when they go to bars.

3) Al Franken – Chicks love a guy with a sense of humor, and he really knows how to stuff the ol’ ballot box.

4) Harry Reid – He’ll never tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans, because an anonymous caller will tell him you don’t.

5) Anthony Weiner – He knows what a girl wants to see on Twitter

6) Alan Grayson – The crazy, dangerous guy you date to get back at your dad for not hugging you enough as a child.

7) John Kerry – Yeah, he looks like Frankenstein, but he’s got two wives’ worth of money and he won’t live forever.

8) Michael Bloomberg – A good nanny is hard to find, and Bloomberg’s about one chimney-sweep away from flying with an umbrella.

9) John Edwards – He’s got more philandering, bad-boy charm than a Kennedy, plus he knows all the best moisturizers. Silky!

10) Any pale, sparkling guy with enough lipstick. David Bowie, maybe?
_______________

Whoever Obama picks, that still leaves the problem of how to get rid of Biden. I suggest taking him out into the woods, fake-throwing a tennis ball, and driving off.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

10 Liberal Excuses for Missing Starbucks Appreciation Day

Friday, August 10, 2012 4:06 pm

After freedom-lovers across America turned out in record numbers to show support for Chik-fil-A, embarrassed liberals decided that they should do something constructive (for a change) and vowed to show support for a corporation themselves.

They chose Starbucks Coffee.

Like most constructive efforts by liberals, it failed miserably. Which you didn’t know because an embarrassed media just ignored it, on the theory that if no one actually TALKS about a failure, then it didn’t actually fail.

Denial. River in Egypt. Not just.

I’m sure they had plausible excuses, though. Like maybe…
_______________

Too creeped out by the way the mermaid’s eyes seem to follow you wherever you go.

1) Pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, forgot why they were there, threw a garbage can through the window out of habit, and fled.

2) Too frightened by all the gun owners showing their appreciation for Starbucks’ supportive concealed-carry policy.

3) Heard a rumor Mitt Romney might pop by and give them cancer.

4) All the food items at Starbucks are 100% dog-free, a racist insult to the President.

5) Never got over the disappointment of discovering that, while Starbucks coffee looks & smells like rancid bongwater, it has none of the happy side-effects.

6) While reading Facebook on their iPad, discovered that Starbucks was secretly a corporation and thus totally evil.

7) Scheduling conflict. Flipped a coin, it came up heads, and went to the Roseanne Barr for President rally instead. Yay! Socialist solutions!

8) Sorry, STILL too busy wandering around Madison, Wisconsin, screeching about how it’s CNN’s fault that the military-industrial-media complex conspired to throw the election to Scott Walker.

9) Denied admittance to the store by Starbucks’ strict “No Bongos” policy.

10) Apollo’s Coffee is just SO much better.
_______________

On the bright side, when I heard liberals were going to throw their support behind Starbucks, I did what any prudent person would do: short-sold a ton of their stock & made a fortune when it tanked.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

How to Identify Liberals by the Sound of Their Voice

Thursday, August 9, 2012 4:03 pm

A Guest Post by Jimmy [High Praise!]

Science is remarkable and scientists are even more remarkable. For example, just recently, scientists have figured out how to identify a bat by its sound. An article on Gizmag has everything you might want to know about it. For example:

“Everyone knows that it’s possible to identify different species of birds by their vocalizations, but did you know that it’s also possible to differentiate between different types of bats based on their echolocation calls? Well, now you do…”

Holy socks! Until now, I didn’t know I would know this! Go ahead, read the whole thing and then see if you’re like me…

Which got me to thinking. How do we aurally identify common Progressives? I speculate as follows:

Person – Type of speech

* Barack Obama – Ghetto pulpit drawl

* Joe Biden – Barber shop slang

* Nancy Pelosi – Botox nasal twang

* Harry Reid – Soft cowboy longings

* Barney Frank – Boyish lisp with something in his mouth

I should stop there because I just KNOW you have more to add!

_______________

[Harvey adds]

* Chris Matthews – 440Hz leg tingle

* Sandra Fluke – birth control pill rattle

* Hillary Clinton – broom swoosh/black cat yowl

* Bill Clinton – light scraping, like a tobacco leaf on skin

* Al Gore – boiling ocean burble

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)