[High Praise! to Dan]

Elizabeth Warren is out there saying we should emulate China because they’re spending a fortune on roads & bridges.

Maybe she’s been hanging out too long with Anita “Mao Tse-tung is my favorite political philosopher” Dunn.

But why stop at infrastructure? Surely there are other areas where we could be more like China.

I speculate thusly:
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Well, at least we’ll finally discover that ancient secret for getting clothes so clean.

1) Coolie hats (only if worn ironically)

2) Use chopsticks instead of forks. Still need to take them away from Hispanics at Obama fundraisers, since they’re an obvious stabbing hazard.

3) More little red books. Mostly because the magazine is too big to fit in your pocket.

4) All women have to wear skirts and march in formation

5) Forget bumper stickers. “Forward.” brand fortune cookies.

6) Wispy facial hair. Although I suppose the wearing-coolie-hats-ironically hipsters’ll probably have that part covered.

7) Invest in America – buy national debt. I think the Fed’s already on top of that one.

8) Large, iconic illustrations of our supreme political leader carried through the streets by people who are forbidden from criticizing that leader. Oh, wait…

9) Is Warren hinting that we’ll all soon be conscripted to build Obama’s high-speed intercontinental railroad?

10) We get our moon program back!
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Also, we’ll finally get that wall on our border to stifle the rushing hordes of foreign invaders.

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[High Praise! to Tongue Tied]

Per the Daily Mail:

A [British] luxury department store has apologised for selling wooden toy versions of Soviet-era rocket launchers. London store Liberty was forced to pull the £23.50 toy from is shelves following a number of complaints, with some describing it as “vile” and “tasteless”.

It’s… a TOY.

What in the world are they objecting to?

I speculate thusly:
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* It’s pink, the official color of breast-cancer awareness, but doesn’t have the official awareness ribbon. Sexist.

* Poor craftsmanship. Huge gap between the launcher & the bed of the truck. Shoddy, shoddy work, fellas!

* Wheels are attached by Phillips-head screws. The cross-shape of the slots has obvious [and OFFENSIVE!] Christian overtones.

* It’s pink, the official color of girls. Are you calling Soviet communists a bunch of girls just because they lost the Cold War like a bunch on young non-males who wear dresses and daisy-patterned underwear?

* It’s a Soviet-era rocket launcher, but it lacks any markings to identify it as communist, such as “CCCP” or “Forward.”

* Unlike real Soviet rockets, the ends of the wooden toy rockets aren’t honed to a fine point capable of putting a child’s eye out. How can we teach our children to blink in the presence of incoming eyeball-targeted projectiles if there are no real-world consequences?

* All the edges and corners are rounded off. Much like eyeball-targeted pointy projectiles, splinters encourage character, wisdom, and prudence.

* It’s made from the same wood as Gibson guitars.

* 3am barefoot-parent bathroom-in-the-dark toe-stubbing hazard.

* Patently deceptive, yet extremely cool, atomic mushroom-cloud on the box the toy comes in. The missiles that come with the toy are only designed to air-burst, which creates a spherical explosion.
_______________

Yeah, it’s a piece of junk.

Stick with Buckyballs.

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“I also believe that a lot of gun owners would agree that AK-47s belong in the hands of soldiers, not in the hands of criminals; that they belong on the battlefield of war”

So said the Commander-in-Chief of the United States Armed Forces.

Um… AK-47s are a Russian thing. America uses M16s.

So either he was saying he wants James Holmes to join the Russian Army, or Obama’s just an out-of-touch droolsack with no understanding of American military equipment.

For the purposes of today’s post, I’m assuming the latter and listing a few other things Obama thinks the US military uses:
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Crocs: the official footwear of the US military.

1) Bearskin hats

2) Panzerkampfwagen tanks

3) MiG jet fighters

4) Oliphaunts

5) Quatloos

6) Photon torpedoes

7) Nimbus 2000 racing brooms

8) X-wings

9) BFG 9000s

10) Iocane powder

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Sorry, Barack, none of the above.

Also not on the list: white flags.

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UPDATE: Linked by Small Dead Animals

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I assume it’s because #OverPrivilegedFlunkingWhiteTrustFundCollegeStudents is too long.

Still, I can’t help noticing that, like everything else the left does on Twitter, #OccuChat is getting pwned by Conservatives.

For Example:

TheLeftFails @theleftfails

Who else has a degree in Renaissance Armpit Hair Braiding that’s having a hard time finding a job? #OccuChat

Might as well pile on:
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Just found out what Democracy smells like #B.O.2012 #OccuChat

* Bought a new bongo on Craigslist & bongoed right through it on day 1. Capitalism has failed! #OccuChat

* Dudes – gonna be late for the rally. Volt’s on fire again #OccuChat

* I’m gonna be late, too. Hit another blind guy in the parking lot with my Prius. Why don’t they look where I’m going? #OccuChat

* @JesusRodriguez I was at an Obama rally, trying to eat the rich, but they took away my fork #OccuChat

* I was going to burn an American flag, but when I touched it, I burst into flames. I hadn’t lit it yet. #OccuChat

* Bloomberg has the right response to James Holmes, who had a 32oz soda beforehand. #16ounceTruth #OccuChat

* @SustainableRainbow – no, it’s cool. iPhones are made by INDIGENOUS Chinese slave labor. #OccuChat

* Dudes – gonna be late. Genital piercing caught in my bike chain #DontAsk #OccuChat

* My kid lost a molar. Should I have the tooth fairy give him money for it, or is that homophobic? #OccuChat

* I love Occupy rallies, but I think I may need help with my pepper spray addiction now. #12steps #OccuChat
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Exit question: is it still an Occupy movement if 99% of the people using #OccuChat are convulsively-giggling Tea Partiers?

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Via The Examiner:

In a tweet sent out Sunday, the campaign showed President Obama and Vice President Biden high-fiving under the headline “Dynamic Duo.”

Ok, that’s one possibility.

Here are some others:
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Elmer Fudd & The Wed Button

1) Abbot & Costello

2) Laurel & Hardy

3) Brian & Stewie

4) Thing 1 & Thing 2

5) Chip & Dale

6) George & Gracie

7) Jules & Vincent

8) Master & Blaster

9) Sauron & Saruman

10) Lenny & Squiggy

11) Those freaky albino dreadlock twins from “Matrix: Reloaded”. I forget their names. Did they even HAVE names?

12) Cake & death

13) Two by two, hands of blue

14) Boris & Natasha

15) Fred & Ginger. Not the dancers, the creepy slug-like creatures from Splice.

16) Timon & Pumbaa

17) Jay & Silent Bob

18) R2-D2 & C3P0

19) Harold & Kumar

20) Bert & Ernie

21) Statler & Waldorf

22) Lenny & Carl

23) Ren & Stimpy

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I was going to mention Paris Hilton & her purse-chihuahua, but then I remembered that Tinkerbell can speak in public without stuttering.

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Asked why Obama’s hasn’t met with his Job Council for 6 months, Jay Carney said “there’s no specific reason except that the president’s obviously got a lot on his plate.”

[INSERT DOG-EATING JOKE HERE]

So, what else has been presidential platter-plugging since January?:
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Polishing his “Osama the Dead Terrorist” ventriloquist act.

1) Congratulatory slut-calls.

2) Working up an attack strategy for that tricky par 3 4th hole at Andrews.

3) Shuffling through mountains of potential names for the cradle-to-grave welfare-woman cartoon poster-child.

4) Up until late June, it was nothing but wait for the SCOTUS call on Obamacare, bite nails, bleed, bandage, repeat.

5) Researching whether there was a snootier-sounding way to pronounce “POCK-e-ston” (there isn’t).

6) Figuring out who his son would’ve looked like. Also, how he would’ve felt about Skittles.

7) Taking Russian yoga class for increased post-election flexibility

8) Finding excuses to sneak out of the White House without Michelle so he can get a meal that doesn’t include those deadly poisonous Toxic Avenger veggies from the White House garden.

9) Working on plan to come out as 1/32 Cherokee. Still looking for plagiarized recipes he can use as evidence. Also, having a devil of a time arranging surgery for cheekbone implants.

10) Busy creating shovel ready jobs, aka shallow graves for Fast & Furious documents.
______________

Of course, lately he mostly spends his time doodling tophats & monocles on pictures of Mitt Romney.

UPDATE: Reliapundit at The Astute Bloggers weighs in on the topic

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John Sununu commented, “I wish this president would learn how to be an American.” This made some liberals whine and squeal, but they’re always whining and squealing so that’s not really worth noting. And he has a point as Obama grew up at a madrassa in Indonesia so is probably confused by our American ways. Luckily, I teach a class on being an American down at the Y. Here are some of tips I’ve compiled:

HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN

Punch hippies.

Never ever whine.

Be happy for rich people.

Never turn to government to solve a problem.

Put bacon on everything.

Never apologize for being awesome.

Take responsibility for your own fate.

Carry a firearm.

Dress up as a bat in your spare time and punch poor people.

Hate all taxes.

Wrestle a grizzly bear.

Land on the moon.

Be aware of other countries but never bother to know much about them.

Be wealthy.

Build a robot suit and fight terrorists.

Master the headbutt.

Consider government an obstacle, not a savior.

Don’t ever claim you have to forcefully take money from others for the purpose of “freedom”.

Uppercut a moose.

Don’t whine about what you think you deserve but instead strive to be worthy the advantages you were given.

* * * *

What are your tips on being an American?

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Ok, so people all fainting at a rally, and Obama says to call the “paralegals.”

In that vein:
______________

Want dessert? Call a cobbler.

* Locked out of your house? Call a key grip.

* Need someone to help you at Best Buy? Call a best boy.

* Child running around the room uncontrollably? Call a babysitter.

* Need a good dark beer? Call a porter.

* Need some hay put up in the loft? Call a bailiff.

* Need to rent a fancy new car? Call a caddie.

* Need a raised wooden area to set your patio furniture on? Call a decorator.

* Need a package delivered? Call Philip J. Fry.

* Uncomfortable intestinal gas buildup? Call a tutor.

* Automotive trouble? Call a carpenter.

* Phonograph not working? Call a stylist.

* Need protection from assassins? Call a gardener.

* Planning a bar mitzvah? Call a jeweler.

* Trouble with the Hubble? Call an astrologer.

* Yard invaded by giant reptiles? Call a navigator.

* Back hurt? Call a painter.

* Need to win a drinking game? Call a quartermaster.

* Looking for a broadcast DJ? Call a radiologist.

* Need a horseback ride to the blown up remains of the Statue of Liberty? Call a tailor.

* Autopen not signing the bottom of your documents? Call an underwriter.

* Need a hip-hop artist to perform at your next party? Call an usher.
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Above all, this November 11th, remember to thank a veterinarian.

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[High Praise! to Jimmy]
______________

Uncle Jimmy’s Top Ten List – Where Obama Thinks Businesses Come From

(drum roll, please….\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / )

10) It Takes A Village
9 ) The kindness of strangers
8 ) Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood block grants
7 ) Jimmy Carter’s Habitat for Oh The Humanity
6 ) Off the backs of hobos and hippies
5 ) People with change in their hearts and hope in their pockets
4 ) People building roads with shovels, carrying cement in buckets
3 ) Your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
2 ) The collective subconscious

and the number one place Where Obama Thinks Businesses Come From:

1 ) Allah!
______________

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Re: Slapotics’ B.O. campaign:

1) A slogan: “Romney: The Cure For B.O.”

2) A warning label for the President:

3) On the post-Obama economy:

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Slapotics [High Praise!] is following the controversy wherein the Romney campaign used two overlapping circles and 3 chunks of text to illustrate a criticism of Obama’s policies:

Some liberal dipwad complained that it’s not actually a Venn diagram (although Romney never claimed it was), because it didn’t illustrate overlapping sets.

Slapotics then created an actual Venn diagram criticizing Obama:

Now, this looks like fun, and I was going to suggest people make their own and send them to me, but then I realized that – outside of a handful of folks – not a lot of Moon Nukers are digital image rehab artists.

So, in order to facilitate the creation of the Twitter hashtag #ObamaVennDiagram, we can use the text symbol equivalent ( () )

For example:
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(People who criticize Romney’s handling of dogs (Obama) People who’ve eaten dogs)

(People who ride in Canadian-built busses (Obama) People who throw their friends, relatives, and supporters under the bus)

(People who champion transparency (Obama) People who’ve hidden their birth certificates)

(People who want their daughters to get rich (Obama) People who want to tax the rich)
______________

You get the idea.

Give it a shot.

_______________

UPDATE: The Looking Spoon has a collection of full-color Obama Venn diagrams

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[pic via Flickr]

As Frank said:

It’s bad optics how Romney is always seen carrying canvas sacks with large dollar signs on them. And what’s the monocle for?

Personally, I’m an optimist, and I see Romney’s glasses as half-full.

In fact, the one sure way for Romney to get my sincere, enthusiastic support would be for him to go out in public looking exactly like this for EVERY campaign speech, and adopting one of the following slogans:
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* I’m like Uncle Scrooge McDuck, except my swimming pool full of gold coins is MUCH bigger.

* Unlike Obama, I earned this by selling goods & services in the free market to willing buyers

* Corporations are people. Liberals are barely even human.

* I’ve dropped forks that cost more than your electric car.

* Windmills are for tulip-tending clog-wearers.

* Socialism: licking the scraps off capitalism’s plate since 1917

* I beat up the Monopoly guy and stole these.

* If capitalism is cold-blooded, I’m a dinosaur with a rocket launcher – RARRRR!

* I made my fortune selling bongos to Occupy hippies.

* If money were sand, I’d be a beach. Surf’s up, dudes!

* If Wall Street were my dog, I wouldn’t make it ride on the roof. Obama would still eat it, though.
______________

So… is there ANYTHING that would make you want to vote for Romney?

I mean OTHER than him not being Obama.

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Almost 90 years later, the Russians are finally considering burying the embalmed body of Commie Hitler, aka Vladimir Lenin, which has lain in a glass coffin in a mausoleum on Moscow’s Red Square since his death in 1924.

Well, that’s certainly ONE option, but let’s not be hasty. Perhaps if we made a list, we could conjure up a better possibility. He’ll probably never be more useful than a dead cat, but let’s stay optimistic:
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Cyber-Lenin! Pure Commie Evil!

1) Run him against Zombie Reagan in 2016 – it’d be just like 1980 all over again!

2) Are they re-making the Wizard of Oz? Because I think we’ve got our new Wicked Witch of the East.

3) Puppet Show! (he could open for Spinal Tap)

4) A little glitter and he could guest star in the next Twilight movie.

5) There’s probably room in Barack’s office, since that pesky bust of Churchill isn’t cluttering things up anymore.

6) White House garden compost. Michelle’s sweet potatoes have never been more dictatorriffic.

7) IMAO co-blogger.

8) If they could figure out how to make him less likely to check IDs, he could be a Democrat poll-watcher.

9) Red shirt #3 in the new Star Trek movie so McCoy can have an extra line.

10) Go traditional – chuck him in the sea.
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Ya know, the UN wouldn’t need a global billionaire’s tax if they’d just install a pay toilet over wherever Lenin gets buried.

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In the sitcom Scrubs, Dr. Cox is forever referring to intern John “J.D.” Dorian by girls’ names (complete list here).

In the comments, Just Somebody [High Praise!] referred to President Obama thusly:

Geez, at least Bush would have showed up in jeans and asked for a shovel. Mary looks like she just blew in from the salon. Ewwwww dirt…

Now, “Mary” is – stereotypically speaking – a “white” girl’s name, so it’s probably racist to apply this to America’s First Black African-American of Color President.

If you MUST deride the Commander-in-Chief’s manhood, I submit this list of more racially-sensitive monikers:
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* Oprah

* Venus

* Serena

* Beyoncé

* Tyra

* Whitney

* Condoleezza

* Maya

* Halle

* Rosa

* Aretha

* Moesha

* Mahalia

* Whoopi

* Latifah

* Rihanna

* Coretta

* Mo’Nique

______________

Also, please don’t use “Michelle”, since that name may be offensive to Wookiees and/or Klingons.

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A tiny little storm rolls through, and the next thing you know, half the East Coast gets plunged into darkness.

Why?

As a raving paranoid off his meds, I speculate thusly:
______________

“Al Gore’s still working the bugs out of his weather control machine.”

1) Obama was playing with Biden and accidentally tossed Joe’s favorite squeak-toy into a transformer.

2) The EPA forgot we actually still USE all those coal-fired plants they shut down.

3) Jay Carney got carried away during an imaginary game of “Mission: Impossible” and cut the red wire.

4) Mr. Burns will NOT give you back your Dental Plan!

5) Luke is a crack shot with those proton torpedoes. “Bullseye, womprat!”

6) That dang Morpheus keeps unplugging people.

7) Leonardo DiCaprio woke up and everything just fell apart.

8) Godzilla!

9) The lights were turned off in preparation for Obama’s climatic appearance on stage at the Democrat Convention. What a drama queen!

10) Unfortunately, the East Coast “smart grid” uses the same “smart” as Obama’s “smart diplomacy”.

11) Who is John Galt?
______________

Speaking of John Galt, a local elected Democrat had this to say:

“I will not accept the timetable of July the 6th, said Montgomery County Executive Isiah Leggett (D), shortly after Pepco announced some homes would not have their power restored until Friday or even later. “Having our citizens go seven days without utilities in my opinion is not the kind of service we should expect.”

Brings to mind the sort of political mind-over-reality huffenpuffery of the politicians who caused the Taggart Tunnel disaster.

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I noticed #ObamaIsLikeABadBoyfriend is trending on Twitter, so let’s explore this theme:
______________

Always asking us to “bring a friend” for his creepy pal Joe.

1) Always bringing us flowers and candy. The flowers he stole from our garden. They’ve still got bees. We’re allergic. Speaking of allergies – peanuts!… and the candy is Snickers.

2) He doesn’t throw pebbles at our window at night. He sends the EPA over with shotguns and flash-bang grenades.

3) Whispers sweet nothings to us and calls us by the wrong name. Check. Check. Double check.

4) Says he loves us, but he’s always making eyes at our hot Latina cousin.

5) We WANT to trust him, but he never looks us in the eyes when he talks – just keeps looking left, right, left, right…

6) We spend hours slaving over a hot stove, cooking him a fancy romantic dinner. All he says is “needs more poodle.”

7) Look, we knew he wasn’t really religious (“just spiritual, baby”) but would it kill him to once, just ONCE, go to church with us instead of going to the golf course with his buddies?

8) Take us out to see the MLB All-Star game, and we get all set up in a fancy skybox to watch him throw out the first pitch. He shows up in Mom Jeans. MOM JEANS! The worst part, though, were all those “why do you stay with him?” pitying looks from our friends. That, and not having a paper bag to wear home.

9) Tried to make up for the All-Star game fiasco by taking us out to see the White Sox. Drove around for SIX HOURS because he couldn’t find “Cominskey Field“. Yeah, we missed the game.

10) Says he’ll meet us for at a spendy restaurant for dinner at 7 to make up for the Sox game fiasco. Get there… turns out he got there at 6. He ordered a big steak dinner, martini, all that stuff, and then he accused us of running up the tab, and stormed out in a huff.

______________

And of course the WORST thing – which seems too obvious to even mention, really – is it turns out HE’S ALREADY MARRIED!

Although one look at the way Michelle’s let herself go, and it’s not hard to see why Barry would be on the prowl.

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(A guest-post from T-dog [High Praise!]
______________

10: “Huh… that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

9: “I’m glad the Supreme Court knows the Constitution as well as I pretend to know it.”

8: “I know I said the Supreme Court doesn’t have power to make decisions like this, but it worked in my favor so who cares.”

7: “Let me be clear, this is a tax, not what I said it wasn’t earlier.”

6: “Quiet on the putting green.”

5: “I passed Obamacare, I ruled on its constitutionality, and I have taken possession of the Supreme Court.”

4: “Today healthcare. Tomorrow Piggly Wiggly!”

3: “Today I begin to rule my opponents with an iron fist of jello.”

2: “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still Animal Farm.”

1: “I. Am. Screwed.”

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SCOTUS ruled that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is constitutional. It’s a terrible law, and everyone, including the President, calls it “Obamacare.”

So… what else should be named after him?
______________

“Unexplained thrills? Maybe it’s Obama Leg Syndrome”

1) The next dinosaur to be discovered in a communist country.

2) That one part of the toilet that never seems to work right and is a huge, messy pain in the ass to fix? I call it the “Obama valve”

3) Any sewage treatment plant that received stimulus funds.

4) Remember how they powered Thunderdome? That fuel should be called “Obamanol”.

5) That little piece of wood the Speaker of the House whacks his gavel on.

6) The next ship taken out of mothballs to be used as a target during wargames. [High Praise! to Ogrrre]

7) When the House re-introduces and re-passes the “Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act“, just call it the “Obamacare Sucks Act” this time.

8) Any spot on your back that really itches that you just can’t reach that eventually turns into a malignant melanoma.

9) A generic term that encompasses both the liquid and solid contents of a litter box.

10) The act of walking barefoot to the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning on the light and stepping on a stray Lego piece.
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Regardless of what gets named after Obama in the future, rest assured that from now own, every time I say his name, it will be with that distinctive Samuel-L-Jacksonian tone and emphasis that would make a call-screener scramble desperately for the bleep-button out of sheer reflex, subconsciously convinced that I’d just uttered a particularly foul obscenity on the air.

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Ok, take 5 seconds to lick your wounds.

Good. Now are you an AmeriCAN or an AmeriCAN’T?

If you’re the former, it’s time to jump into action. This is how I think we should respond.
______________

“You got a war face? AAAAAAAAAAH! That’s a war face! Now let me see your war face!”

1) Activate the Omega-13

2) Do whatever it is that America did after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

3) Paint our faces blue and choreograph a well-timed kilt-lift.

4) Quick! While Obama’s distractedly cackling and torturing our offspring by shooting lightning out of his fingertips, pick him up and throw him down the shaft!

5) Send a one-word telegram to the White House: “NUTS!” [High Praise! to Burmashave]

6) Who ya gonna call? (I looked it up, the number’s 555-2368)

7) This is not a catastrophe. This is, as J.R.R. Tolkien would say, a eucatastrophe. Roberts may have decided to keep “The Precious,” but we haven’t left Mt. Doom yet.

8) Hey President Jafar – you should wish to be a genie!

9) Screw the Force. Turn the targeting computer back on.

10) Aim to misbehave.
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And for heaven’s sake, whatever you do, don’t start freaking out like some sort of green lieutenant fresh out of the academy:

[Splicd direct link]

UPDATE: If you’re feeling short on inspirational role models for what lies ahead: Legless Man Climbs Mt. Kilimanjaro on Hands

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Full disclosure: I had a paper route during the Carter years, and when I got bored, I read the headlines. So I remember Jimmy’s term in office better than most people my age, because those headlines were bleak and terrifying, and left scars.

So when I read that Carter was busting Obama’s chops over using drones to kill terrorists – one of the few things Obama’s done right in office – I wanted to bash Mr. Peanut right in the monocle.

But then I thought about it & decided to let it slide because I realized that – big picture – Carter was actually a better President than Obama:
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Jimmy Carter told us to turn the thermostat down. Obama told us to spread the wealth around.

1) Jimmy Carter lusted after women in his heart. The women Obama lusted after were composites.

2) Jimmy Carter successfully fought off a rabbit, which is several rungs up the evolutionary ladder from any fly Obama managed to beat up.

3) Jimmy Carter’s ineptitude brought us the greatest President of the 20th century, Ronald Reagan. From Obama’s ineptitude, we MIGHT get the greatest President of the 21st century who was named after a piece of baseball equipment.

4) Jimmy Carter let the Shah of Iran into the US for medical treatment, because the Shah was, so to speak, “our bastard“. Obama wants you to pay for Sandra Fluke’s contraception so that she doesn’t have any bastards.

5) Jimmy Carter grew peanuts on a farm. Obama grew mortgages underwater.

6) Jimmy Carter gave all the land around the Panama Canal to the people of Panama. Obama gave all the land north of the Rio Grande to the people of Mexico.

7) Jimmy Carter gave the Russians the horrifying threat of nuclear armageddon. Obama gave the Russians a misspelled red plastic novelty button.

8) As a boy, Jimmy Carter loved his dog, Bozo. As a boy, Obama loved his dog al dente.

9) Jimmy Carter had a brother, who successfully launched his own brand of beer. Obama had a beer summit. Oh, brother.

10) Jimmy Carter asked the Secret Service to keep his brother away. Obama asked the Secret Service to keep away from brothels.
______________

And, of course, the Navy honored Jimmy Carter by naming a submarine after him. Obama honored the Navy by stealing credit after the SEALs got bin Laden.

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