Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the Obama administration may launch a retaliatory cyber strike against Russia in response to what Washington believes to be interference by Moscow in this year’s election.
In an interview with NBC’s Meet the Press on Sunday morning, Mr Biden said “we’re sending a message” to Russian President Vladimir Putin about the election-related hacking. “He’ll know it.”
“We have the capacity to do it. It will be at the time of our choosing, and under the circumstances that have the greatest impact,” he told NBC.
According to Wikileaks, the 10 most likely ways that Joe Biden will attack Russia are:
Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]
1) Sudden reversal of all current global warming policies, leading to the inevitable collapse of the Russian fur hat industry.
I think the next frontier in offense will be the study of nanoaggressions: nonverbal communication that a person could use to express contempt for an oppressed group, but that are too subtle to qualify as a microaggression.
Currently Identified Nanoaggressions
3. Making eye contact
4. Breaking eye contact
5. Faking eye contact
6. Slaking eye contact
There have also been exciting breakthroughs in the realm of femtoaggressions: Quantum uncertainty comes into play at that scale, so it is impossible to simultaneously know the race and sexuality of a femtoaggression.
The idea of an attoaggression is, of course, just an offensive attempt by bigots to trivialize the concept of prefixaggressions with satire. I dare say even mentioning it counts as a milliaggression.
Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 28th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.
Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.
Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…
15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY
1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.
2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.
3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.
4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.
5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.
6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”
7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.
8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.
9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.
10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.
11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.
12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.
13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.
14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.
15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
I opened another tab to do a Bing search of the question, “Is Obama a Christian?”
I only typed 2 words, “is Obama …”, when Bing started offering me suggestions:
1. Is Obamacare working?
2. Is Obama a Muslim?
3. Is Obama’s daughter pregnant?
4. Is Obama a Sunni or Shiite?
5. Is Obama a member of the Muslim Brotherhood?
6. Is Obama the antichrist?
7. Is Obama the worst president in history?
So, since the question, “Is Obama a Christian?” didn’t even make the Top Seven suggestions, why should we worry about it?
The government wheelchair program (to make getting around easier):
1) offer wheelchairs to the public
2) realize that there isn’t enough demand because people can walk, so start a new program to break citizen’s legs
3) raise taxes by far more than the cost of the wheelchair to pay for the wheelchairs of those that can’t be taxed enough to pay for theirs
4) realize that nobody can get around because there’s not enough wheelchair ramps
5) mandate that everyone make everything wheelchair-accessible at their own expense
6) realize that there are too many wheelchairs causing congestion because wheelchairs are harder to maneuver than walking
7) create a new program to counsel people that require a lot of mobility that perhaps it would be better for everyone involved if they just stayed home and starved to death
8) remind you how lucky you are to have such a caring and compassionate government to make the world more wheelchair-accessible and how without it, you’d be stuck in a ditch with your wheels rusting off.
Republican Congressman Steve Stockman of Texas introduced a bill. I’ve lifted the following description from the Congressman’s site:
Under Stockman’s bill, “The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act,” taxpayers who do not provide documents requested by the IRS can claim one of the following reasons:
1. The dog ate my tax receipts
2. Convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction
3. Traded documents for five terrorists
4. Burned for warmth while lost in the Yukon
5. Left on table in Hillary’s Book Room
6. Received water damage in the trunk of Ted Kennedy’s car
7. Forgot in gun case sold to Mexican drug lords
8. Forced to recycle by municipal Green Czar
9. Was short on toilet paper while camping
10. At this point, what difference does it make?
For those of you who, unlike me, have procrastinated making Valentine’s Day plans and purchasing gifts, here are some tips to celebrating the holiday that have helped me in the past.
I challenge any women to tell the difference between the See’s Chocolates fresh from the store and the slightly marred ones I salvaged from their dumpster
When looking for flowers, funeral homes and cemeteries always have the nicest arrangements
It may seem like a good idea to give housekeeping supplies as a gift, but that is never well received
Make sure the escort you order is less attractive than your significant other
While surprises may be exciting, it is sometimes best to talk about things first. Valentine’s Day may not be the best time to unexpectedly bring out the edible clown makeup for the first time
I have learned through sad experience that, despite rumors to the contrary, conversation hearts are not an aphrodisiac, and they are also a poor substitute for use in either conversation or transplantation
A Human Centipede marathon is a poor way to get her in the mood
Reenactments of the St. Valentine’s Day massacre aren’t generally regarded as sexy to most women
No matter how much they complain about their weight, women are never happy when you give them a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
Don’t waste your time with jewelry. There is never any in the dumpster behind the store, and the stuff you can steal from grandma’s bedroom is way too tacky
The President, being a human who likes to strip away our rights, has big plans for Human Rights Day. Here are some of the things he has on the agenda as he celebrates today:
Host the annual MLK White House Bo-BQ. (It is BYOB, bring your own Bo. He doesn’t like to share)
Go to the Antique Roadshow and get an appraisal for his collection of vintage race cards
Finally sit at the back of the bus with the cool kids
Carefully review the text in the teleprompter before his speech this year and make sure autocorrect didn’t change MLK to MILF again
Formally announce that the White House will be renamed because it is offensive to Caucasians. For the next 6 months it will be called the Verizon House. During periods of time when a paid endorsement cannot be obtained, it will be called the European-American House
Try and settle on the ideal date to celebrate national BHO Day, also known as Human Bondage Day
In anticipation of Human Bondage Day, play master and servant with Bill, the interns and Helle Thorning-Schmidt
Have a dream that was not from his father
Devise some more policies that will undermine the basic human rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness of Americans and make them slaves of the ‘greater good’
Relax a bit and bet a couple of grand on the underground racist redneck rustlin’ circuit
Review some of his favorite Reverend Wright sermons
Sit back and watch the Duck Dynasty marathon, taking careful notes so he can draft A & E a sternly worded letter afterwards
Invite Paula Deen to the Bo-BQ so she can be crowned Queen of Fools and mocked mercilessly in the stocks
Try and remember to get Paula Deen’s recipe for chitlins before mocking her in the stocks this time
Place this year in either the White House greased cracker or honky calling competitions
Take a moment and ponder the ways MLK would have been a better man had Barack been alive then to mentor him
Using the powers of the NSA, transmit his voice into the bedrooms of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Charlie Rangle, pretending to be the ghost of MLK. Post the resulting surveillance footage on Youtube
Commemorate the occasion with a couple dozen selfies next to the MLK statue
So Dennis Rodman went to visit Kim Jong Un again, this time for his birthday. Rodman just loves the little fella so much. He really went overboard with the presents this year. I think we are going to have to deal with one spoiled little dictator for a while. Here is what Dennis was reported to have given Kim Jong Un for his birthday:
500 lbs of Solyent Chow to keep his hounds primed for human flesh
A regulation child size basketball
Matching ‘I heart my BFF’ tramp stamps
A leading role in Dennis’ new youtube video, Two Boys One Cup (He gets to be the cup)
A handmade coupon book with ten coupons for “Dennis’ Special Sensual Bro-ssages.”
A five layer Happy Birthday yellowcake-238
A bedtime piggyback ride around the palace
A gift certificate to Great Clips
A Korean-Ebonics dictionary
Matching his-and-his Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh outfits for role-playing time
The collected works of Noam Chomski
A matching set of Code Pink ‘I heart Dictators’ footie pajamas
So Elizabeth Warren is planning on giving Hillary a challenge in her bid for President. White guilt compels me to support her. Now is the time for us palefaces to return executive power in this land to the Native Americans, like Elizabeth “Lies-With-a-Fist” Warren. Besides, she is so inept, watching her run would be so much fun. My inside sources are telling me these are some of the concepts/strategies she is planning on using against Hillary in the primaries:
What? Benghazi on my watch? My people brought you Custer’s Last Stand
Values matter. The men of my people only smoked cigars and posed with them for wooden carvings
Look at our environmental records. I am the only true anti-litter candidate (tear streams silently down cheek)
I am the only candidate who can move to DC and root for the Redskins with a clean conscience
Hillary had been working with Iran for 4 years with no results. I’ve already developed a positive, working relationship with Iran. In exchange for letting them pursue nuclear technology, they have already given me all these blankets and shiny beads
I am the only candidate committed to the idea that if you like your Shaman you can keep your Shaman
I will commission the new Trail of Tears Monumental highway system which will connect and give easy access to all the Indian Casinos
The only part of Hillary that belongs in the Oval Office is her scalp on my wall
I’ll just arrange to air drop peace pipes over the Middle East. Problem solved
Once Obamacare has dealt with the overpopulation problem, I can lead our people that remain back to living in harmony off the land
It takes a village to run a county
To maintain continuity, I will select Joe “Dances-Like-a-Special-Ed-Kid-With-a-Sparkler” Biden as my VP
Watching all those clowns in Washington really got me thinking. I wonder what it would be like to date a clown? Turns out there is a website for that, so I tried it out. And it also turns out that there are some pros and cons to clown dating, such as these:
When you go on a quintuple date, you only need one car
You don’t need to pay extra for her to wear the greasepaint and orange wigs anymore
It’s easy to judge your performance based upon the rapidity of the horn honking. No wait, they can fake that too. Nevermind
You need to be sure to make love with the lights out because otherwise anything that resembles a balloon will be painfully twisted into a puppy. On a related note, you must be sure to hide all your condoms
She’s overjoyed when you gift her with a ring pop and a plastic necklace from those 25c plastic egg machines
When the traffic cop discovers the trussed teenage boys in the trunk, you’re not the primary suspect this time
It can be a little disconcerting when you discover that her implants are really squeak toys
And it can be more disconcerting to discover that the carpet matches the drapes right down to the little bowler hat
They’re a cheap date. Even with a tie, most high end places won’t seat them
When you want to spice things up by bringing in a midget, there are 3 or 4 she already knows and trusts
The tears of a clown are actually really awesome. They make you really high. And acquiring them is guilt-free. Clowns don’t really have feelings
The only rings she really cares about are the three under the big tent
With John Kerry at the helm during the current negotiations, I expect peace in the Middle East will be achieved any day now. As usual, my man in State has leaked me some of the inner machinations that are going on. Here are some of the inevitable back door agreements that have worked their way into the proposed agreement.
The acceptance of the one-state solution in which the entire Middle East and most of the American Midwest is given to Iran (Don’t worry, the Jews still get to run the rest of America)
In exchange for the US taking a hands-off approach in Syria, Putin will stop intimidating Obama by texting him shirtless selfies
Barney Frank will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘questioning’
All Israelis who wish to remain in the one state will be granted the religious liberty to choose either Shia or Sunni or stoning
Bashar al Assad will get three free visits from Denis Rodman
Miley Cyrus will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘burka fitting’
Mossad hackers will stop causing all those glitches in the Obamacare website
Iran has agreed to use non-greenhouse gases in their extermination chambers
The Israeli lobby will stop resisting Mel Gibson’s plans to produce the broadway musical version of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion
Putin will be given a championship ring from each Superbowl to round out his collection if he agrees to return Biden’s collection of round, shiny objects and Obama’s deck of race cards
Justin Beiber will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘some good old-fashioned bitch slapping’
Iran will only enrich its uranium in eco-friendly centrifuges that have the Energy Star seal of approval
Jimmy Carter will be given full Iranian citizenship and be allowed to personally oversee the historical tours celebrating the Iran Hostage Crisis and Operation Eagle Claw
In order to prevent the potential for radioactive fallout and nuclear winter, Iran will agree to use it nuclear weapons only in cases where their demands aren’t met
The UN will issue an official ‘corrected’ translation of the Old Testament that clearly indicates that the real location of the children of Israel’s promised land is Dearborn, Michigan
I’ve been trying to access the Obamacare website, and it’s actually been kind of entertaining. You never know what you are gonna get. Here are some of the things I encountered while trying to apply on the website:
I’m not sure, but I think I ended up with reservations at Motel 6
I had to pay 15% more for my car insurance
I happened upon some inappropriate selfies of Kathleen Sibelius
A live feed opened up that allowed me to spy on the NSA
The internet filters at work blocked the site claiming it was perceived as a DNS attack
It reset all the passwords on my computer, forced the default browser to Internet Explorer and changed my homepage to Amazon’s listing for The Audacity of Hope
I ended up at this bizarre page where I was told I had been selected to be enrolled in the special Logan’s Run plan
For some reason, it wouldn’t accept my application until I entered in my credit card, bank and eTrade account numbers and passwords
When I tried the Spanish site, the first thing it did was offer me a complimentary social security number, birth certificate and driver’s license
It offered me a subsidy if I agreed to be something referred to as a ‘Congressional living organ donor’
Whenever the website stalled, a window would pop up saying, “The website is experiencing difficulties because it is Bush’s fault you stupid racist.”