Obama says the reason he hasn’t talked to the CEO of BP yet is because it’s the board of directors that’s in charge. That’s a really stupid excuse, and Allahpundit is right in that it seems like he’s not even trying to come up with decent lies lately. Still, good lying is something Obama has vowed to work on, and as evidence of that, here are the top ten excuses he’s come up with for his poor response on the oil spill crisis.

TOP TEN EXCUSES FROM OBAMA FOR HIS POOR RESPONSE TO THE OIL SPILL

10. Thought it wasn’t a problem because oil and water don’t mix.

9. Since it was British Petroleum in the Gulf of Mexico, he assumed other countries would handle it.

8. He thought the oil leak was just looking for attention and would go away if he ignored it.

7. It looked messy, and he had just bought a new suit.

6. Handling oil spills isn’t mentioned in the Constitution, and Obama only does things specifically mentioned in the Constitution.

5. We never listened to Obama’s pleas of “let me be clear”, and thus he was forced to be very unclear about things.

4. Louisiana did such a great job with the last big disaster that hit them that he assumed they were on top of this one.

3. Birds kinda looked like they enjoyed being covered in oil.

2. He never saw the problem, because his head has been stuck in a bucket for the past fifty days.

And the number one excuse from Obama for his poor response to the oil spill…

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President Obama is acting all tough now, saying he wants to find “whose ass to kick” about the oil crisis. He really is a tough guy of action. Don’t believe it? Then just look at some of the things he’s said at recent speeches:

TOP TEN BARACK OBAMA TOUGH GUY LINES

10. “See what I have on here? These are my ass-kicking pants. Stop calling them mom jeans.”

9. “Time to open a can of whupass! …Oh, but not this can; it isn’t certified organic.”

8. “I am here to kick ass and chew arugula, and I’m all out of arugula because of the high prices at Whole Foods.”

7. “Let me be clear: Your ass is mine!”

6. “Got your organic whupass now, but it’s in a jar, not a can. Time to open it! Errrr… Hmm, let me just run it under some hot water and pound it against a counter a few times and then it’s whupass!”

5. “My name is Barack Obama. You spilled oil in my gulf. Prepare for finger pointing.”

4. “I ain’t got time to bleed… but I probably have enough time to finish a round of golf.”

3. “I’m here to kick ass and take names. Mainly to take names. Please fill out this census form.”

2. “Watch out: It’s not only my close personal friends I throw under a bus.”

And the number one Barack Obama tough guy line…

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Rattlesnake are anti-treading.

So, basically, the statement needs a second part. Here are some suggestions:

DON’T TREAD ON ME…

…or I’ll set you on fire and throw you off a building.

…or I’ll be like, “Hey! What’s with all the treading?”

…or you’ll make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

…or it’s a musket to the junk.

…or I’ll pass harsh, anti-treading laws.

…or I’ll draw depictions of Muhammad.

…or I’ll tell Fred Thompson on you.

…or I’ll throw rocks at your house in the middle of the night.

…or I’ll shoot British people in red coats.

…or I’ll talk very loudly and you’ll become irrationally scared I might get violent.

…or I’ll get violent.

…or I’ll support a political opponent to you who is more adverse to treading.

Due to increased printing expenses, now costs $150.

* Has a 3D hologram of Optimus Prime fighting a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* Around the edges in microprint are the lyrics to “It’s All About the Benjamins.”

* To further confuse counterfeiters, on the back is the exact replica of the front of a twenty dollar bill.

* Under the portrait of Benjamin Franklin should be visible a tiny body holding up that giant head.

* On front in big letters is “DO NOT COPY” so counterfeiters can’t just claim they didn’t know.

* Also, in smaller letters, is a reminder that it’s not valid in the game of Monopoly.

* When held in sunlight, should see watermark of Benjamin Franklin’s arch-nemesis from an alternate universe: Fenjamin Branklin.

* Visible inside should be a security strip labeled: “Do not remove or government can’t track you.”

* Lot’s of splashes of color to celebrate the $100 bill having come out as our first openly gay currency.

Obama, meeting with foreign leaders, told them our country is still working on democracy. I can only assume he then bowed to them. A top aide who was asked about the statement explained that Obama has made “historic steps” to improve democracy. What steps, you ask? Here’s what Obama has done:

TOP TEN HISTORIC STEPS OBAMA HAS MADE TO IMPROVE DEMOCRACY

10. A lollipop is handed out with every vote.

9. A camera was added every voting booth so if it looks like you’re having trouble with the ballot, someone can help you.

8. Confusing butterfly ballot replaced with mobius strip ballot.

7. Plans to add the American Idol’s “Judges’ Save” to other elections.

6. Ballot counting now done by the only group we can trust for complete accuracy: A non-partisan commission of unicorns.

5. To make ballots shorter and easier to understand, third parties are left off.

4. Leaving hanging chads is now punishable by death.

3. New Black Panthers standing at polls at threatening people with batons now must provide information on all candidates.

2. Sticker added to touchscreen voting saying, “DO NOT HACK.”

And the number one historic step Obama has made to improve democracy…

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I don’t think Obama has been a very good leader. To be a good leader, you have to command respect, and Obama has failed at that. Let me count the ways.

TOP TEN SIGNS OBAMA DOESN’T COMMAND RESPECT

10. Anytime Obama calls on Congress, they see it’s him through caller ID and let it go to voice mail.

9. There’s been a pirate ship menacing tourists in the reflecting pool in D.C. for a week, and so far nothing has been done.

8. In his last meeting with Iran, no one heard Obama, as they were all too busy refining uranium.

7. The Secret Service has Obama open their mail for them to make sure it’s safe.

6. Every time Obama orders his dog Bo to do something, Bo later craps in one of Obama’s shoes. Similar situation with Joe Biden.

5. Obama asked to be on FOX News, but only Red Eye would take him.

4. The White House tour guides are always ordering him to clean stuff.

3. “The Red Button” placed in the Oval Office only activates the kitchen garbage disposal.

2. When Obama visited a classroom, the kids mistook his purpose there and kept asking him to make balloon animals.

And the number one sign that Obama doesn’t command respect…

(more…)

So I was reading this Spectator piece from Jeri Thompson, which mentions the fact that Obama’s Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Manufacturing, Nicole Lamb-Hale, was a bankruptcy lawyer.

This line caught my eye:

What kind of message does a President send when he puts a bankruptcy lawyer in charge of the manufacturing sector? It’s comparable to appointing a tax cheat to run the Treasury… oh… wait… never mind.

and it got me thinking about what else putting a bankruptcy lawyer in charge of manufacturing is like:

“I’m available for Bar Mitzvahs”

* Putting a thunderstorm in charge of your campfire.

* Having a divorce lawyer officiate your wedding ceremony.

* Hiring a demolition crew to build your house.

* Picking Lindsay Lohan as your AA sponsor.

* Putting the Orkin man in charge of your apiary.

* Putting Jack Kevorkian in charge of the retirement home industry.

* Putting a lawn mower in charge of your flower garden.

* Hiring Tiger Woods to teach kids about abstinence.

* Having George Lucas direct your epic space opera prequels.

* Letting a porcupine guard your condoms.

* Putting Harry Reid in charge of your Negro Black History Month celebration.

I thought it would be appropriate to dig Frank J’s “Know Thy Enemy: Canada” out of the archives so that it can be enjoyed by a new generation of IMAO readers.

And also by the old generation, who, sadly, is afflicted with Alzheimer’s and completely forgot they read this in 2004.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.

* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.

* That happens usually three times a year.

* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.

* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”

* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.

* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.

* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.

* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.

* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.

* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.

* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.

* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.

* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.

* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.

* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.

* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.

* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.

* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.

* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.

* Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.

* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.

* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.

* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.

* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.

* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.

* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.

* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.

* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?

* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.

* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”

Honorable Senator and professional grumpy old man Arlen Specter angrily told Congresswoman Michele Bachmann to “act like a lady” when she interrupted him during a radio talk show interview.

I ain’t Miss Manners, but that seems a little inappropriate for a discussion between duly elected Congresscritters.

Wonder what’s prodding old Switchin’ Specter’s irritable bowels to get him in such a huff?

I speculate thusly:

“Shut up, toots! I’m talkin’!… now… the important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time…”

* Not used to having women talk back to him. Heck, he’s still getting used to the notion of pushbuttons on his telephone.

* Kids on his lawn again, and him not sitting in his favorite yellin’ chair.

* Feeling conflicted – yeah, Kennedy’s seat went to a Republican, but at least their ain’t some broad sitting in it.

* Hates that every new invention starts with a lower case “i”. Misses the days when the prefix “electro” was cat’s pajamas.

* Still upset that Barbara Boxer got called “ma’am“, instead of the proper honorific, “Little Missy”.

* Wet Depends

* Bachmann is a German name, and it’s just too soon to start trusting the Krauts again.

* Really, really misses Rosebud.

* Not barefoot – fine. Not pregnant – fine. Couldn’t she have at least called that radio show from her kitchen?

* Once jilted by a flapper named “Michele”

Brian of Snapped Shot (who I get a lot of lolterizt! pictures from) started a new blog called “_______ Is A Test For Obama“, to catalog the overuse of the phrase by the MSM – inspired mostly by its use relating to picking up a Nobel Prize.

Sadly, the site died quickly, because the MSM is, for some reason, putting a moratorium on the phrase “test for Obama”.

Here’s the trend – Jan 2006 to Dec 2009 on top, Jan to Dec 2009 on the bottom:

Funny… if picking up a Nobel Prize was a test, you’d think that only missing a terror bombing through dumb luck, inept chemistry, and a surly Dutchman would qualify.

So obviously the UnderBomber incident wasn’t a test. Then what WAS it?

Complete the sentence “The UnderBomber incident was _______ for Obama”.

* a wedgie

* the one time Chris Matthews’s leg didn’t tingle

* a black eye

* Please ignore that last item, as use of the word “black” in reference to Obama is racist.

* “First Black president” is ok, though.

* “First Negro president”… not so much.

* Unless it’s said by someone from the census bureau.

* the sound of John McCain saying “I told you so”

* a real-life lolbama!