Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category


Monday, June 24, 2013 11:00 am

So Snowden’s been in Hong Kong spilling his guts for a while now, and my sources in the Orient have finally been able to leak back to me the horrifying secrets he has been sharing, secrets the Obama administration really don’t want to have get out.  So, of course, I’m gonna leak on the leaker.  Here are the secrets he has been divulging to the Chinese:

  • KFC’s eleven herbs and spices.
  • The secret to phonetic spelling.
  • Darth Vader is Luke’s father.
  • That Obamacare won’t really bend the cost curve down.
  • Nuclear weapons made from nibbled Pop Tarts are just as dangerous as the real thing.
  • Bruce Willis’ character was a ghost the whole time.
  • Obama’s college transcripts.
  • The unpublished transcript of his girlfriend’s new book: Pole Dancing for Dummies.
  • The fact that MSG can cause an affinity for bad kung fu movies, nasal hemorrhoids, poor driving, sallow skin, permanent squinting, and a loathing of freedom and civil liberties.
  • The President’s secret recipe for Twice-Jacked Terrier.
  • An unusual exchange of erotic text messages between Michelle Obama, the Dog Whisperer, Anthony Weiner, Bo and Ron Jeremy.
  • A folder from Barack’s child psychologist in Kenya containing 93 failed attempts to draw that turtle to get into art school and the terse diagnosis that this failure at art may lead him toward narcissistic tyranny.  The recommendation: for Allah’s sake, get him the heck out of Kenya.
  • Receipts indicating that the Obama’s have been consistently seeking the consultation of a witch doctor and paying with federal funds, and the dates coincide with a rash of headless corpses discovered throughout the federal triangle.
  • Michelle refused to allow Barack to attend the screening of the new Star Trek movie because it portrayed Klingons in an unfavorable light.
  • Dragons aren’t real.
  • That Mr. Presley and Mr. Jackson really don’t care for their new roommate, Mr. Laden, mostly because Mr. Laden insists Ms. Nicole Smith wears a burka………and he keeps threatening to kill them, the filthy infidels.
  • That Barack has no idea what it means to organize a community either.
  • Confused about the meaning of the term ‘whistleblower,’ a disguised Joe Biden was rebuffed when he showed up at Valerie Plame’s door and introduced himself as Mr. Whistle.
  • The rough draft of Barack’s autobiography entitled: Sleeper-in-Chief.
  • They can keep ignoring the Kyoto Protocol since the globe isn’t really warming.
  • The official state department policy is that there will be no repercussions or retaliation if the Chinese kidnap Justin Beiber on his Asian tour.
  • Shhhhhhhhh.  The Kardashians don’t really have any talent.
  • Michelle almost moved out of the White House because she thought Barack was cheating on her when she found lipstick on his ho-slapping hand.  Turns out it was just from Barney Frank kissing his ring.  Similar lipstick markings were found on his tush.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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15 Fun Facts About Father’s Day

Sunday, June 16, 2013 8:00 am

[reposted from 2012]

Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.

Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:

Typical American Father’s Day celebration.

1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.

2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.

3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?

4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”

5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.

6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.

7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.

8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.

9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.

10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”

11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.

12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”

13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.

14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.

15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.


Why are you still reading this? Go fetch the old man a beer, already.

Sheesh. You are SUCH a disappointment.

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Hmmm. I’m Kinda Surprised My Login Still Works After So Long Away

Friday, June 14, 2013 3:24 pm

Did you miss me?  I didn’t think so.  Been trapped in DC at an FDA conference.  Seemed like years, but I’m pretty sure it was only a week.  But the two major items of interest from the conference are first, of course, because of current interpretations of regulations by bureaucrats, drugs will be more difficult to bring to market and they will necessarily be more expensive without adding any real value in the process.  No surprise there. Been trending that way for years. 

But here is the part that I thought was interesting.  As I sat at the conference, I was struck by the lack of diversity among the attendees and the FDA presenters.  Among the presenters, there were only white folks, and among the attendees there were just us honkies and a smattering of Asians and Indians.  The only black people to be seen were the ones serving us meals.  I was shocked to discover in Obama’s post racial America, attending a government sponsored conference was like going back to the plantation.  Clearly something must be done to bring diversity both to the FDA and the pharmaceutical industry.  This sounds like a job for government.  Here is what I am proposing to Senator Hatch.

  • Legalize all illicit drugs and bring their regulation under the auspices of FDA.
  • If you want to get a new drug approved, the last step in the process is a slam dunk competition between FDA and drug company employees.
  • Develop the technology to deliver drugs to the patient in fried chicken and watermelon. (Can someone explain to me why chicken and watermelon are racist?  I love chicken and watermelon, and I’m as pasty white as they come).
  • A government subsidized deadbeat dad drug discount program.
  • Send aggressive FDA recruiters to Methadone clinics.
  • Require that all pharmaceutical prescribing information and labeling be written in English, Spanish and Ebonics.
  • Incentivize and facilitate entry into the drug trade by expanding the Fast and Furious program to the inner cities.
  • Expand the prescription drug coverage under Obamacare to include recreational use.
  • Require drug companies to give free samples to all FDA inspectors.
  • FDA will be giving away free spears for the first 1,000 resumes.
  • Eliminate all informed consent requirements, and rewrite all animal and human clinical protocol guidances to consolidate all pharmaceutical testing under the new pilot approach known as: Try it Out on Whitey. 

Any other ideas?

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Flag Day: 15 Fun Facts About the American Flag

Friday, June 14, 2013 7:00 am

(Reposted from 2012)

Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies, liberals, and other people who run no risk of ever facing an IRS audit), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.

Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:

Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.

2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]

3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”

4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01” door decals.

5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 52 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.

6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.

7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.

8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.

9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.

10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When President Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.

12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.

13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippie.

14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.

15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.

And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom”.

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Hashtag Fun: #NSACalledToTellMe

Saturday, June 8, 2013 12:00 pm

From Twitter (your search results may vary):

#NSACalledToTellMe the 60,000-mile warranty on the car was expiring. To avoid a drone strike, time to extend it.

#NSACalledToTellMe you all haven’t been paying attention for 12 G** D*** years & suddenly it’s all Obama’s fault? Wake up!

#NSACalledToTellMe What Happens in Vegas, stays in our Utah data center.

#NSACalledToTellMe I shouldn’t worry cause they’re only targeting terrorists. Oh, and the milk in my fridge is past it’s sell-by date.

#NSACalledToTellMe that I left my garage door open this morning but not to worry, they’ll close it when they leave.

#NSACalledToTellMe they want to survey how my wiretapping experience went. Customer service is important to them.

#NSACalledToTellMe Hey I just met you. And this is crazy. But I listen to all your phone calls. So call anyone, maybe.

#NSACalledToTellMe Every breath you take Every move you make Every bond you break Every step you take I’ll be watching you…

#NSACalledToTellMe my phone bill is due: I told them: you pay it… you’re on it more than I am…

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White House Fashion, Turn to the Left. Fashion, Turn to the Right

Wednesday, May 29, 2013 12:15 pm

In an apparent attempt to distract us from all the scandals, the Washington Post has done an important story about the White House Counsel’s fabulous shoes.  However, the story didn’t scratch the surface about all of the interesting shoe trivia related to this administration:

  • Joe Biden has a whole closet filled with Velcro shoes that are too complicated for him to figure out how to wear.
  • Surprisingly, Barney Frank has a large shoe collection, many of them still filled with the trussed gigolos.
  • The only shoes Barack had while living in Kenya were bathed in the blood of the infidel.
  • Barack has to have his shoes specially cobbled for him because even his feet are both extremely left.
  • Menendez keeps a shoe from each escort as a trophy.
  • Nancy Pelosi has a pair of shoes she uses only for special occasions that are made from the leathery skin left over from her facelifts.
  • As a result of the sequester, Michelle hasn’t had to cut back on her shoe budget at all.
  • All of Keith Ellison’s shoes have a secret bomb compartment in the heel.
  • Like the Kenyan long distance runners, Jay Carney has stopped wearing shoes to press briefings because he feels it allows him to flee the podium in shame and ignominy much more quickly.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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I Guess We Will Have to Ban Knifes Now

Sunday, May 26, 2013 1:30 pm

Even though the machete/butcher’s cleaver terrorists in England openly stated they were Jihadists, the media still can’t seem to accept that simple fact.  Something else, probably America or right wing nutjobs, must be the root cause.  Something like a combination of these:

  • The attackers weren’t really Jihadists.  They were just following orders because AIPAC had their families.
  • They were just so mad that 24 will be coming back.
  • Bath salts followed by too many hours watching Gordon Ramsey.
  • This Youtube video.
  • They were really vacationing Tea Partiers, and this was their way of mourning Margaret Thatcher.
  • They were driven to violence by British cuisine.
  • Lack of bacon makes anyone testy.
  • They were just soccer hooligans who hadn’t realized the Manchester United brawl hadn’t already ended.
  • They were paid operatives of the NRA employed to demonstrate how vulnerable an unarmed society is.
  • If they guy didn’t want to get attacked, then he shouldn’t have dressed like a soldier.
  • They thought they heard the victim mention Trig in a disparaging manner, and they just love math so much they couldn’t bear it. (For you Bunkerhillbilly)
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Give Me an E! Give Me a P! Give Me an A! What Does That Spell? Couldn’t Tell You. I Went to Public School.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013 1:30 pm

OK, now things are just getting silly.  The EPA is targeting me now.  What has happened to my freedom to pollute my land as I see fit?  Might one of these be the cause:

  • Apparently I’m not allowed to compost those half dozen hobos that used to be shackled in my crawlspace.
  • My hellions keep running the AC with the windows open.
  • The by-products of my genetic experiments have to be properly disposed of as biohazardous wastes.  Apparently consumption at a neighborhood BBQ isn’t good enough.
  • They are concerned that I fertilize my garden with my expired prescriptions.
  • My controlled refuse burning sometimes includes my neighbors’ cats.
  • My hepatitis C mutated, anthropomorphized and was reportedly seen stalking the local children.
  • My controlled refuse burning sometimes includes my expired ‘prescriptions.’  (It makes for a really interesting smore party).
  • My hepatitis was later seen meeting a yeast infection at a seedy motel with a crate of petri dishes. Offspring are feared. 
  • They frown upon my practice of weaving my own cloth from discarded asbestos.
  • They don’t approve of the lead bodypaint we use to protect ourselves from Obama’s mind control transmissions.
  • They just need someone to crucify like when the Romans come to town.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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I Think Frank J May Need a Little More Advice

Monday, May 13, 2013 12:15 pm

Since the Frank family seems to be Pitocin challenged, I thought I could help out with some more unsolicited advice.  Here are some of the ways we used to induce labor back in the old days.

  • Take a trip to the trampoline park.
  • Force the expectant mother to march up and down the stairs to the beat of you playing the Twilight soundtrack on your vuvezela.
  • Remind the unborn child that Obamacare is being implemented, and the mandatory abortion clause may become effective any day now.
  • Tell the unborn child that your ob/gyn is going on vacation tomorrow, and the substitute physician will be Kermit Gosnell.
  • Smoke a wee bit of crack, and then tell the unborn child he gets no more until he comes out.
  • Show the unborn child the analysis you have done that demonstrates that each day he is past the due date statistically increases his chances of being sold to the gypsies.  (I ran the numbers through Michael Mann’s algorithm, so it of course produced a hockeystick shaped curve.  Don’t argue.  The science is settled).
  • Assure the unborn child that Mother’s Day is past now, so he doesn’t have to be ashamed he didn’t get mommy a gift now.
  • Let the unborn child know that every day he waits to be born is just one day more he has to wait to get legally drunk.
  • Tell the unborn child not to be afraid to be born.  You would never enter him in underground drunken toddler knife fights without properly training him first.
  • Assure the unborn child that though the world may seem bleak right now, no matter how scary she looks, you would never let Nancy Pelosi eat him.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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Top 12* Reasons Why Frank’s Kid Hasn’t Shown Up Yet

Monday, May 13, 2013 9:45 am

*IMAO Top 12 Lists are guaranteed to have 20% more content than other blogs’ Top 10 Lists!

12) Forgot to set the alarm clock.

11) Can’t find his Birth Certificate.

10) New 0bamaCare regulation stating that all babies must be born on the same day each year to save paperwork.

9) Stork made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

8) Sarah following through on threat not to let him out until he cleans up his womb.

7) Attempting to set the new world record for human gestation.

6) Refusing to come out until somebody does something about who the President is!

5) 3 words: Bacon Flavored Placenta.

4) Recently featured on an episode of Pimp My Womb, refusing to leave newly renovated digs.

3) Still negotiating for a larger room and more allowance.

2) Sarah was just stuffing a pillow under her shirt for the last 9 months, wanted to see how long it took Frank to figure it out.

1) Found out who his Father is. Can you blame him?

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Happy Mother’s Day from Ms. Schultz

Sunday, May 12, 2013 4:00 pm

In an effort to distance herself from editorials claiming that Mother’s Day is sexist and mothers should not be singled out and honored for outdated, oppressive stereotypes, Deborah Wasserman Schultz has started a Mother’s Day competition to find the mother that most embodies her liberal ideals.  Here are her candidates.  Please vote for your favorite or nominate your own.

  • Hillary Clinton
  • Mrs. Tsarnaev
  • Madonna
  • Nadya Suleman
  • Farrah Abraham
  • Snooki
  • Mitchell Pritchett and Cameron Tucker
  • The black widow spider
  • Gwyneth Paltrow
  • Kris Jenner
  • Susan Smith
  • Lucille Bluth
  • Mommie Dearest
  • Carrie’s mother
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • John Travolta

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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More Unsolicited Parenting Advice for Frank J

Friday, May 10, 2013 10:15 am

Well, since Frank’s baby still hasn’t arrived yet, I figured I might pass on some more of my parenting wisdom.  Here are some of the principles/techniques that have worked well for me.

  • When your kid won’t go to sleep and keeps crying out that he is afraid because there is a monster in his closet, don’t yell back, “Be quiet or it will hear you.” The kid won’t go to sleep, and it will only make your wife really irate.
  • Spend the time necessary to make sure your child develops a good relationship with each of your personalities.
  • Oddly enough, the use of shock collars to train your toddler is illegal in Idaho.
  • If you are white and adopt a black child, don’t use one of those child leashes.  People might get the wrong idea and think you are pining for the plantation.
  • If you want to get the child into television commercials or think he has a chance of working in Hollywood, better be safe and get him circumcised.
  • I would recommend not exposing your children to high levels of radiation of any kind.  At least, it didn’t give any of my offspring super powers.
  • Never tell your kids that you wish they would be more like the kids next door if you live next door to an abortion clinic.  It will give them a complex.
  • When raising your kids, always pretend to be a liberal progressive, so that when they rebel they will become perfect, little conservatives.
  • Let them know from a very early age that, as a matter of principle, you don’t negotiate with kidnappers.
  • Make sure to send all your kids to finishing school as soon as possible.  That makes them much more valuable on the black market.
  • The most important bit of advice I can offer from siring multiple children: keep the receipt and make sure you fully understand your hospital’s return policy. 

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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Just Like Mom Used to Make

Wednesday, May 8, 2013 10:15 am

I was shopping online for a Mother’s Day gift for the wife.  I was looking at cookbooks because what wife wouldn’t want a cookbook for Mother’s Day, and I happened upon this one.  Cooking with Coolio: The Ghetto Gourmet.  I had to get it and check out his techniques.  Here are some of his innovative approaches to cooking on an underclass budget.

  • For that extra zing, cook your pasta in that leftover bong water.
  • In a pinch, crackhead sweat can be a tangy substitute for salt.
  • The secret to cooking that meth to the magical 99% purity is just a sprinkling of cumin.
  • To give your pasta salad that special crunch and a little extra protein, sprinkle on a few toenail clippings.
  • The #14 sieve is the perfect tool for getting the dose just right for your peanut-crack brittle.
  • If your bottles of dried herbs are bare, cannabis can be substituted for anything.
  • If you are desperate, food stamps can be used to roll your joints.
  • To get that tough round steak perfectly tender, the best technique is the simple pimp slap.
  • When you have that extra special ho coming over, large cockroaches look just like little crayfish.  Or if she doesn’t like seafood, when properly cooked, leg of stray resembles leg of lamb.
  • Wine just tastes better when you steal it yourself.
  • And most importantly, remember that all meals taste better when prepared with that special, intangible ingredient: Misogyny.

[Cross Posted at Nuking Politics]

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This Land is Their Land

Tuesday, May 7, 2013 10:15 am

I started looking into that new immigration bill the Democrats and Marco Rubio are putting together, and I don’t think it is really as advertised.  I found some rather interesting provisions that they seem to be keeping hush hush about.  Provisions like these:

  • A provision requires putting legal aliens in a melting pot until tender.
  • The citizenship test for those requesting amnesty include sections on bomb making and the fundamentals of Sharia Law.
  • The Fast and Furious program will be expanded to provide guns to Mexican American drug dealers.
  • Amnesty comes with free registration in the union of your choice.
  • ACORN will be in charge of organizing communities and voter registration for all new immigrants.
  • Regarding voter registration for new citizens, proof of life is optional.
  • Texas and all its proceeds will now be a fully owned subsidiary of Tijuana.
  • A new, less offensive National Anthem will be composed and performed by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J.
  • New labor laws will include a mandated daily paid siesta.
  • All illegal aliens, regardless of ethnicity, will be given a $500,000 settlement as reparations for the Mexican-American War.
  • Amnesty will not be considered for undocumented French Canadians.  Into the melting pot with them.
  • The bill establishes a separate, lower minimum wage for landscaping and housekeeping jobs.
  • Maybe it’s an error, but the sketch of the proposed border wall, drawn on a paper napkin, indicates that the wall will be 16” tall. 
  • Amnesty comes with a get out of jail free card redeemable at the federal or state correctional facility of your choice.
  • Lastly, cock fighting is finally legal.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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I Love Global Warming

Wednesday, May 1, 2013 10:15 am

I just read that the next bad thing about Global Warming is that it will increase prostitution.  But wait, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  My AGW model predicts the following positive benefits from increased prostitution.

  • Increased supply and competition will bring the prices down.  You won’t need to be a highly paid politician to afford Ashley Dupre.
  • With the increased supply, Democratic lawmakers will be too busy to bother governing anymore, which is good for everybody.
  • Menendez will no longer have to waste tax payer money flying to the third world to get cheap prostitutes.
  • Barney Frank will finally be able to expand his prostitution ring to include women.
  • Increased heroin and meth demand to supply the new gaggles of prostitutes will cause an economic boom in Mexico creating jobs that will draw illegal immigrants back to their homeland.
  • More prostitutes mean more pimps, which will create new jobs in the dilapidated inner cities.
  • With the new crop of second tier, less attractive escorts, the paper bag industry will thrive like never before.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Is there nothing Global Warming doesn’t make better?  Here’s to increasing carbon emissions until the globe is once more a tropical paradise from pole to pole.

[Cross posted at nuking Politics]

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What a Drag it Will Be Getting Old

Tuesday, April 30, 2013 10:00 am

Like Nancy Pelosi, I finally got around to reading The Affordable Care Act, and like the government, I’d like to exempt myself from it as well.  I didn’t bother reading it earlier because I was really hoping the Supreme Court would come through for me, so I know I am rather late to the party.  Based upon what I’ve seen tucked away in this law, here are some of the consequences I expect we will be seeing shortly as the implementation continues.

  • Unlike in the Cuban system, rats in operating rooms will not be required to wear surgical garb.
  • Instead of merely pulling the plug on grandma, they will go with the much more entertaining and lucrative Shooting with the Stars or Least Dangerous Game options.
  • Much of the increased revenues needed to fund the new program will come from a nationwide lottery program titled Gambling For Your Life.
  • While we won’t have to worry about back alley abortions anymore, we will need to worry about back alley appendectomies, back alley by-passes, back alley chemotherapy, back alley hip replacements…..
  • All hospital TV sets will be required to continuously stream Sicko.
  • Anesthesia will still be available for a nominal fee.
  • We won’t have to worry about those pesky nurses waking us every hour to take our pulse and our blood pressure or our temperature. Of course, we also won’t have to worry about them changing our bedpans or our sheets or our hospital gowns…..
  • Due to unexpected increases in the cost of birth control, the law suggests combatting teen pregnancy by using sex education programs to encourage bestiality.
  • In order to qualify under the program, hospital emergency rooms must minimally be equipped with a saw, a blow torch and a bitin’-stick.
  • To further fund the program, whenever a patient undergoes a surgical procedure, the government is allowed to harvest any ‘redundant’ organs to sell on the black market.
  • Anyone living on a federal pension gets first dibs on the black market organs.
  • We won’t have to worry about wealthy foreigners from countries with socialized medicine coming here and using our medical resources anymore.
  • Anyone found praying on hospital grounds will be hit with the $25 prayer tax.  Muslims and other non-Christians are exempt.
  • The head of the federal oncology treatment panel is Dr. Kevorkian.
  • Given the expected waiting period to see a doctor, all babies will be born before the first prenatal visit, and most abortions will be scheduled when the baby is between 2 and 3 years of age.
  • The Time Life series on Civil War and Down Home surgical techniques will sell out the first seventeen printings.
  • Starting out with just a pocketknife, a Hoover and a dream, I expect to make a killing with my new chain of Liposuction/Cooking Lard Huts.
  • Solyent Green will indeed be people.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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Car Laws vs. Gun Laws

Tuesday, February 12, 2013 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to The Truth About Guns]

Here’s the first 10:

1- The private sale of a vehicle does not have to be reported to the state
2- A motor vehicle sale does not require a criminal background check
3- There is no limit to the capacity of horsepower a vehicle may have
4- A person can legally own a vehicle at any age
5- A vehicle can be operated in public as early as 16
6- There is no waiting period to buy a car
7- You can buy as many cars you want in a month
8- Students are allowed to bring their cars to school
9- There are no “car free zones”
10- Politicians do not create laws that ban the legal ownership of specific models of cars

Click here for the other 30.

And yes, on number 9, I’ll argue that there are plenty of places cars aren’t allowed to drive (like some national parks). Of course, if you go to one of these places, you could easily become stranded and die a horrible death, so car-free zones work about as well as gun-free zones.

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Friday, December 28, 2012 9:00 am

Every year, at the end of the year, there are always lists. I haven’t seen a list of lists yet, but I’m sure someone has one.

Time has a list. It’s about words:

If we could put a piece of culture in a steel vault and sink it into the blackest depths of the deepest ocean? In a special editon of Wednesday Words, TIME asks you to give it a try, by voting on which word or phrase people need to delete from their vocabulary in 2013.

What words does Time suggest?

  • 47%
  • 99%
  • 110%
  • adorkable
  • amazeballs
  • artisanal
  • cray
  • fiscal cliff
  • gangnam style
  • jelly
  • literally
  • meh
  • mommy porn
  • teehee
  • totes
  • YOLO
  • zombie apocalypse

Now, I could certainly do without lots of these words. In fact, I’ve managed to not utter nearly half of them at all, and of the others that I have said, most were my quoting others, often to make fun of them.

Except “jelly.” Of course, I used it, not to mean “jealous” but to mean the stuff that goes in a sandwich next to the peanut butter. And “cray?” It was capitalized when I used it; I was talking about the supercomputer.

While some of these words are indeed words we do not need to hear again, ever, I’m thinking there are some other words we could do without. “Obama” tops the list. “Harry Reid” is another, although I realize that’s two words. But then, so is “zombie apocalypse,” but there I go repeating myself.

What words would you like to never hear again?

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10 Things to Say to an Obama Voter Who Just Got Laid Off

Thursday, December 13, 2012 2:00 pm

[High Praise! to VW (via email)]

1. “Hey, at least that successful Mormon businessman didn’t win.”

2. “Didn’t your lady parts warn you this would happen?”

3. “Look at the bright side, gay marriage passed in four states.”

4. “Hey, Big Bird still has a job. Isn’t that the important thing?”

5. “I am sure Obama cares deeply about your situation. Maybe he’ll send you a postcard from Hawaii.”

6. “Well, look at the bright side, Rush Limbaugh is getting a massive tax increase.”

7. “Hey! Now you’ll have more time to play with your unicorn.”

8. “Isn’t it worth losing your job to know that religious organizations now have to pay for abortions and contraceptives?”

9. “Well, now you and Keith Olbermann have something else in common.”

10. “Forward!”

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You Just Have to Ask the Right Questions

Thursday, September 13, 2012 11:00 am

A Time Magazine article is claiming that Romney won’t do well in debates with President Carter Obama. While the author’s premise is stupid and dumb, and stupid, it very well could be the case that Romney will do poorly in the debates. That is, if they are hosted by the mainstream media’s more “esteemed” personnel…as they generally are.

Not that such honest and objective journalists would ever conspire to ask certain questions in order to trip up Romney or force a gaffe or two, but if they did so, it could be pretty rough for Mitt.

Consider the following questions:

* “Governor Romney, in your opinion would the economy do better if President Obama were to stay in office and continue his excellent policies, or would the economy do worse in a Romney administration?”

* “Would you consider your foreign policy experience less than the President’s, or is he simply more experienced than you are?”

* “Governor Romney, which do you like better: Nazis or the KKK?”

* “Could you explain, in detail, how exactly you became such a racist?”

* “Governor, in your opinion, what advantages can your powers to give people murder-cancer bring to the presidency?”

* “Which do you prefer: White people or White peoples?”

* “Governor, when exactly did you begin your war on women, and as a follow up question, how does your wife feel about your hating women?”

* “What is your preferred method for beating orphans?”

* “Governor Romney, do you hate the President because he is black, or because he is only half-white?”

* “Governor, when you laugh at poor people, is it more of a cackle, or a loud guffaw?”

Whew! Those would really be some tough questions for Mitt. It’s a good thing the media would never try to set him up like that.

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