Everybody Ought to Date a Clown

Watching all those clowns in Washington really got me thinking.  I wonder what it would be like to date a clown?  Turns out there is a website for that, so I tried it out.  And it also turns out that there are some pros and cons to clown dating, such as these:

  • When you go on a quintuple date, you only need one car
  • You don’t need to pay extra for her to wear the greasepaint and orange wigs anymore
  • It’s easy to judge your performance based upon the rapidity of the horn honking.  No wait, they can fake that too.  Nevermind
  • You need to be sure to make love with the lights out because otherwise anything that resembles a balloon will be painfully twisted into a puppy.  On a related note, you must be sure to hide all your condoms
  • She’s overjoyed when you gift her with a ring pop and a plastic necklace from those 25c plastic egg machines
  • When the traffic cop discovers the trussed teenage boys in the trunk, you’re not the primary suspect this time
  • It can be a little disconcerting when you discover that her implants are really squeak toys
  • And it can be more disconcerting to discover that the carpet matches the drapes right down to the little bowler hat
  • They’re a cheap date.  Even with a tie, most high end places won’t seat them
  • When you want to spice things up by bringing in a midget, there are 3 or 4 she already knows and trusts
  • The tears of a clown are actually really awesome.  They make you really high.  And acquiring them is guilt-free. Clowns don’t really have feelings
  • The only rings she really cares about are the three under the big tent
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John Kerry Reporting for Duty in the Middle East

With John Kerry at the helm during the current negotiations, I expect peace in the Middle East will be achieved any day now.  As usual, my man in State has leaked me some of the inner machinations that are going on.  Here are some of the inevitable back door agreements that have worked their way into the proposed agreement.

  • The acceptance of the one-state solution in which the entire Middle East and most of the American Midwest is given to Iran (Don’t worry, the Jews still get to run the rest of America)
  • In exchange for the US taking a hands-off approach in Syria, Putin will stop intimidating Obama by texting him shirtless selfies
  • Barney Frank will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘questioning’
  • All Israelis who wish to remain in the one state will be granted the religious liberty to choose either Shia or Sunni or stoning
  • Bashar al Assad will get three free visits from Denis Rodman
  • Miley Cyrus will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘burka fitting’
  • Mossad hackers will stop causing all those glitches in the Obamacare website
  • Iran has agreed to use non-greenhouse gases in their extermination chambers
  • The Israeli lobby will stop resisting Mel Gibson’s plans to produce the broadway musical version of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion
  • Putin will be given a championship ring from each Superbowl to round out his collection if he agrees to return Biden’s collection of round, shiny objects and Obama’s deck of race cards
  • Justin Beiber will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘some good old-fashioned bitch slapping’
  • Iran will only enrich its uranium in eco-friendly centrifuges that have the Energy Star seal of approval
  • Jimmy Carter will be given full Iranian citizenship and be allowed to personally oversee the historical tours celebrating the Iran Hostage Crisis and Operation Eagle Claw
  • In order to prevent the potential for radioactive fallout and nuclear winter, Iran will agree to use it nuclear weapons only in cases where their demands aren’t met
  • The UN will issue an official ‘corrected’ translation of the Old Testament that clearly indicates that the real location of the children of Israel’s promised land is Dearborn, Michigan
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The Obamacare Website is Like a Box of Chocolates…..

I’ve been trying to access the Obamacare website, and it’s actually been kind of entertaining.  You never know what you are gonna get.  Here are some of the things I encountered while trying to apply on the website:

  • I’m not sure, but I think I ended up with reservations at Motel 6
  • I had to pay 15% more for my car insurance
  • I happened upon some inappropriate selfies of Kathleen Sibelius
  • A live feed opened up that allowed me to spy on the NSA
  • The internet filters at work blocked the site claiming it was perceived as a DNS attack
  • It reset all the passwords on my computer, forced the default browser to Internet Explorer and changed my homepage to Amazon’s listing for The Audacity of Hope
  • I ended up at this bizarre page where I was told I had been selected to be enrolled in the special Logan’s Run plan
  • For some reason, it wouldn’t accept my application until I entered in my credit card, bank and eTrade account numbers and passwords
  • When I tried the Spanish site, the first thing it did was offer me a complimentary social security number, birth certificate and driver’s license
  • It offered me a subsidy if I agreed to be something referred to as a ‘Congressional living organ donor’
  • Whenever the website stalled, a window would pop up saying, “The website is experiencing difficulties because it is Bush’s fault you stupid racist.”
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And I Still Don’t Miss the Government…..

The government is shutdown, so my work is done. I have nothing political to say, so I might as well get back to the opiate of the masses.  I never much cared for reality shows, but I do think there is some untapped potential for entertainment in the genre. Yep, we are all thinking it. What is needed is some reality show mashups.  Here are some I would like to see go into production.

  • Kids Say the Darnedest Things…When Animals Attack
  • Keeping Up With the Kardashians…Women Behind Bars
  • Survivor…Jersey Shore
  • Duck Dynasty…Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
  • Here Comes Honey Boo Boo…Teen Mom…My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding
  • Toddlers and Tiaras…Top Shot
  • Sister Wives Swap
  • Dirty Jobs…A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
  • The Biggest Loser…Strange Sex
  • Project Runway…What Not to Wear
  • Here Comes Honey Boo Boo…Nanny 911
  • Here Comes Honey Boo Boo…Brat Camp
  • Here Comes Honey Boo Boo…The Biggest Loser
  • The Bachelor…The Bad Girls Club Edition
  • The Apprentice…Scare Tactics
  • America’s Next Top Model…Fear Factor
  • So You Think You Can Dance in the Scariest Places on Earth
  • Being Bobby Brown…Bear Whisperer
  • Snoop Dog’s Fatherhood…16 and Pregnant
  • Project Runway…Pimp My Ride
  • Dancing With America’s Most Wanted
  • The Girls Next Door…Shipwrecked
  • RuPaul’s Drag Race…Monster Garage…Be a Grand Prix Driver
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Slogans for the War in Syria

(Submitted by jw via According to Hoyt [High Praise!])
_______________

Obama Bluffed, Hillary Sloughed, Syrians Get Stuffed

No Blood For Ego

Wage War, Not Dithering

No War On Middle East Reformers

Obama’s Syrian Plan: If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well it were done leisurely

NObama War

Obama Dithered, Rebellions Withered

Obama’s Chickens, Coming Home To Roost

The Obama Doctrine: Speak Loudly, But Don’t Carry A Stick, Big Or Otherwise

The Democrat Party: Emboldening America’s Enemies For 100 Years

When the going gets tough, Obama gets flustered

Drift is not a strategy

Submission Accomplished
_______________

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Dennis and Kim Jong Sitting in a Tree……

So, Dennis Rodman is going back to visit Kim Jong Un again. Do I hear wedding bells in the future? So exciting!  The only question remaining is where to set up their love nest.  I think Rodman can make a good case for moving the family to America.

  • With the downfall of DOMA and living conditions in Detroit mimicking those in North Korea, Dennis can finally convince Un that they can have a happy life together in Michigan.
  • With the packs of wild dogs that have moved in, there will be plenty of food for them in Detroit.
  • With the collapse of the Detroit housing market, they can pick up land for a palace on the cheap.
  • Having been born and reared under liberal rule, the residents that remain will be welcoming a benevolent dictator willing to selflessly tell them how to live their lives.
  • Having been raised learning the merits of Keynesian economics, the remaining populace will be easy to convince that dedicating all of their time, possessions and talents to erecting the Un palace will lead to an unprecedented economic boom.  And the project is shovel ready.
  • There will be plenty of unskilled laborers to work in his new Kia factory.
  • If he builds his silos in Detroit, his nuclear missiles might finally be close enough to reach America.
  • He won’t have to go all the way to Iran to find Muslim terrorist allies anymore.  There are plenty of them just a stone’s throw away in Dearborn.
  • Despite gun control laws, the Detroit mob would be perfectly happy to supply a psychopath like him with all the weaponry he needs.
  • If he sneaks into the country soon, he should have amnesty and full citizenship in less than 6 months.
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You Have a New Friend Request From State

So I guess the State Department was feeling lonely or had low self-esteem or something and decided it would be a good idea to try and increase their popularity on Facebook by getting people to “like” them. And of course, they did what most people that have no friends do on Facebook and paid “professional” Facebook friends to follow and like them.

You know, people in India and China who sit around all day liking and befriending people on Facebook for money. I don’t know how many faux Facebook friends three quarters of a million dollars can buy, but that’s what State felt was a modest amount of our tax dollars to spend.

It seems to me that there might be better ways to increase the popularity of the State Department, assuming that being popular even matters. So I thought of some other things they could try…

    Ways the State Department Can Make People Like Them Better

• Target Americans with drones that deliver free bacon.

• Enter John Kerry in to the Kentucky Derby.

• Apologize for Benghazi Hilliary Clinton kowtowing to Foreign Leaders mistakes made by rogue low level agents.

• Diplomacy by Twitter!

• Start pointing out that, at least they aren’t the NSA, IRS, or the Justice department.

• Or Congress…

• Letting people who connect to them on LinkedIn be ambassador for a day in the terrorist-ridden hotspot paradise nation of their choice.

• Issue an official State memo insulting the French.

Well, there’s probably more, but I’ll leave that up to you guys.

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The Wages of Hate

Now that the Zimmerman trial is concluded, we just have sit back and wait for the verdict’s inevitable impact on society.  Here are some of the things I expect to see take place in the near future.

  • In the tradition of Fred Astaire and other departed celebrities, UFC promo commercials will use a digitized Trayvon Martin.
  • Rolling Stone will have a cover story about the sexiest acquitted killers. Zimmerman won’t make the list.
  • NBC will selectively edit the audio recordings from the court to make Zimmerman seem to plead guilty and admit to loathing all races.
  • During this national crisis, Obama will suspend habeas corpus and put Zimmerman in the stocks for display and ridicule during a national telethon.  The proceeds will go toward NBC’s legal defense fund.
  • There will be an inevitable made for TV movie ‘inspired by the events’ in which Zimmerman will be played by Michael Shannon and Trayvon will be played by Willow Smith.
  • The next time a black guy kills a white kid, the media will tout it as a racist hate crime.  No wait.  No they won’t. 
  • The prosecution will blame the outcome of the trial on funding cuts due to the sequester.
  • Michael Bloomberg will ban hoodies in NYC as being bad for one’s health. 
  • Zimmerman will be the unwitting star of BET’s new reality show, The Hunted.  The reward is $50,000.
  • MSNBC will offer Zimmerman his own talk show just so they can slowly asphyxiate him on live TV during the premiere.
  • Fashion reporters on Entertainment Television will start promoting Hispanic as the new white.
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Homophobes Were Born That Way Too

Now that the Supreme Court has shut down DOMA, the inevitable consequences must inevitably follow.  Here are some of the less publicized consequences:

  • People who wear white after Labor Day will be put in the stocks and mocked mercilessly.
  • This day in history will be commemorated now and forevermore as Judy Garland Day.
  • Congress will declare that everyone has the right to glitter bombs.
  • All federal documents will now have to be written in both English and Lisp.
  • Glee will never be cancelled.
  • In addition to the traditional opening prayer, church services will be required to start all meetings with a lip synch from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
  • Now that the fabric of society has been altered, Obama is going to have to go back and reorganize all of those communities.
  • Modern Family will add polyamorous and polygamous families to the show to begin paving the way for the next constitutional marriage challenges.
  • George Takei will finally feel comfortable coming out of the closet and admitting that he isn’t gay after all but just really, really weird.
  • Gay men will begin to demand the right to have a womb.  Its design and implantation will be covered by Obamacare.
  • Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
  • The National Anthem will be replaced with Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
  • Brokeback Mountain Goat will receive an Oscar for best motion picture and begin paving the way for the next constitutional marriage challenges.
  • The wait to reserve a decent wedding chapel just got that much longer.
  • Bloody fights will erupt over which of the grooms’ fathers will have to foot the bill for the wedding.
  • A new industry will arise around same sex divorces and prenup agreements.
  • A whole trove of legal precedents will arise concerning who has the rights to the Lady Gaga paraphernalia in a divorce.
  • A new series of Twilight novels will pave the way for the next constitutional marriage challenges.
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I Miss the Dream Act

So now they are debating the amnesty bill that no one has read yet either.  Guess what?  I read it.  Here are some things I bet you hadn’t heard were in it:

  • For each person that gets amnesty, $25 in subsidies go to Taco Bell.
  • Any card will be considered a valid work visa as long as it is green.
  • Del Taco Frequent Diner cards can be used as valid ID for all government interactions.
  • For each undocumented worker who becomes a legal citizen, a white republican will be catapulted across the Mexican border.
  • It proclaims that Marco Rubio will be granted dictatorship of the new nation of Flori-Cali-Tex-Mexico.
  • The border fence will be constructed, but in order to contain costs, it will be made by undocumented workers using the driftwood they floated upon to cross the Gulf.
  • Undocumented French Canadians will be considered varmints and may be hunted at will.  The Department of the Interior will pay 25 pesos per pelt.
  • To mitigate the effect on global warming, those employing formerly undocumented workers will need to pay a carbon tax to offset the increased methane production caused by the cuisine of the immigrant workers.
  • The government is requiring that a minimum of 20 seatbelts be mandatory in the beds of all pickup trucks.
  • All restaurants will be required to keep a mariachi band on staff.
  • All firearms acquired through the Fast and Furious program will not be subject to current gun control laws.
  • Obamacare will now be covering medicinal meth, heroin and cocaine.
  • The term ‘anchor baby’ will now officially refer to the legal post birth aborting of babies and the processing of the bodies for maritime use, which the bill mandates.
  • Menedez is granted the right of prima nocta for all current undocumented workers who enter the path to citizenship.
  • All individuals currently waiting in line to legally become citizens will be given a one way bus ride to Mexico so they can sneak across the border and get in the easy line.
  • For both men and women, Obamacare will require all states to cover mustache waxing.
  • I can’t speak Spanish, so I don’t know what this means, but there were numerous oblique references to an initiative known as Soyllento Verde (o Comemos los Gringos Blanco con Chiles).
  • No penalty may be affixed to or compensation awarded for damage to life, limb or property if the damage is caused by bullets fired into the air in a celebratory manner.
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