Judge Rules Celebrities Must Perform at Trump Inauguration

Forced to MC for Trump's inauguration, Jon Stewart struggles to come up with a joke that doesn't make a Hitler reference.

Forced to MC at Trump’s inauguration, Jon Stewart struggles to come up with a joke that doesn’t include a Hitler reference.

WASHINGTON (AP) – Despite a large and growing movement of liberal politicians and celebrities banding together to boycott President-Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, a federal judge has ruled that Mr. Trump has a legal right to force them to attend.

While a large number of talented musicians such as 3 Doors Down, Toby Keith, The Piano Guys, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir have agreed to perform at the event, several nominally famous performers have turned down Mr. Trump’s request for their presence.

However, based on the ruling in Cryer v. Klein, in which the Sweet Cakes bakery was fined for not baking a wedding cake for a same-sex couple, the United States District Court for the District of Columbia declared that no purveyor of services may deny those services to any potential customer willing to pay the standard market rate for those services. The court ruled that, such being the case, Mr. Trump has the legal right to compel both attendance and performance by any and all musical acts to whom he had previously extended an invitation.

A visibly-gloating Donald Trump held a press conference to announce some of the last-minute additions to his event’s entertainment lineup.

“That’s right! Haters gonna hate, but they’re also gonna show up and sing for me,” said Trump. “Bette Midler, Elton John, Miley Cyrus, Shakira, Harry Belafonte… they all turned me down. Probably because they’re all ashamed of how disgustingly untalented they are. Terrible performers. Nobody wants to hear them. But they’re playing. Bring earplugs.”

The President-Elect continued, listing some of the more recalcitrant among the newly-conscripted performers

Lady Gaga said my election ‘divided us so carelessly.’ Nope, it was deliberate. And I’m dividing you into the basket of losers who can’t say no to me.”

Snoop Dogg said any black musicians who played at my inauguration were ‘Uncle Toms’. Well guess what? Now that means you, too, Uncle Snoop. I kid, of course. I love whatever it is he does that he calls music.”

Babs, I ain’t forgetting about you. You say I’m “clueless, reckless, graceless, mindless, heartless”. But I’m not jobless. I’m playing the big show and I’ve got a four year run ahead of me. What’re you doing these days? You can’t even book a weekend at an old folks home in Poughkeepsie. Hashtag hasbeen.”

“And Cher… calls me a mentally-challenged fencepost and says she wants me thrown into a volcano. Just to show I don’t hold a grudge, you perform for me and I’ll make sure your Obamacare covers your Category 5 plastic surgery. THEN I’ll repeal Obamacare.”

“Finally,” concluded Trump, “the ruling doesn’t just cover entertainers. I can make anyone show up I want. I’m gonna have Obama stick around after the swearing in. Have him dress in a waiter costume and fetch me a coffee and a sweet roll. Maybe an original birth certificate, too. HA!”

[Inspiration Bacon to walruskkkch]

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Obama Releases Gitmo Detainees to Post-Presidency Mansion

Instead of being locked inside, misbehaving "guests" will be locked outside and left to fend for themselves "Purge" style.

Instead of being locked inside, misbehaving “guests” will be locked outside and left to fend for themselves “Purge” style.

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a last ditch effort to keep (after a fashion) his original campaign promise to empty the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility in his first year, President Obama announced he will release the last of the Gitmo detainees to the grounds of the DC-area mansion where Obama plans to spend his post-presidential years with his family.

“My Republican critics,” said President Obama, “have been saying for years how ‘dangerous’ it was to release Gitmo detainees despite their very low 25% recidivism rate, completely ignoring that it means that 75% have NOT returned to blowing up innocent civilians. 75% is a huge number. Nearly Hillary’s popular vote total. I like those odds.”

“So I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is and share a safe space with the remaining Gitmo residents,” Obama continued, “transferring them to my humble bungalow/mansion. Together, we can create a world where nobody condemns your for your religion or questionable birth documentation.”

“But best of all,” Obama said cheerily, “this new environment will be a complete break from the horror of their current damned existence where they are surrounded by uniformed Americans wielding weapons of war while holding them captive behind barbed-wire fences. In our new home, they will be free – with the permission of defensively-armed Secret Service agents, all wearing suits, ties, and sunglasses – to roam anywhere within the fortified brick walls of the estate.”

New transferee Muhammed al Muhammed said he expects it to be the perfect chance to rehabilitate himself, post-incarceration.

“I’m hope to learn clock-making,” he said.

Soon-to-be-former First Lady Michelle Obama said Muhammed and his friends shouldn’t get their hopes up.

“Nuh uh. Get into my garden and start pulling weeds like a 4th grader.”

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Black Lives Matter Cancels Mexico Outsourcing; Will Hire More American Protesters

Expect a boom in the Grievance Redressage Petitioner industry under Trump.

Expect a boom in the Grievance Redressage Petitioner industry under Trump.

DETROIT (AP) – Hot on the heels of an announcement by Ford that they will close a plant in Mexico and create jobs here in America, the anti-police protest group Black Lives Matter announced that they, too, will be eschewing Mexico in favor of the US.

BLM spokesman DeRay McKesson, said that, unlike the Ford move, his organization had been planning this “reorganization” for some time.

“With the Clinton & Soros money drying up,” said McKesson, “I thought, you know, maybe we should do like the big corporations. They’re all moving to Mexico, labor’s cheap, it’s not much different than hittin’ the Home Depot parking lot to pick up a truckload of sign-wavers, right?”

“Man, bad move,” he continued. “Turns out that not only does Mexico not care if black men get shot by white cops, they don’t even HAVE white cops. Or black men. They thought I was a Jamaican tourist and kept trying to sell me bootleg Bob Marley CD’s”.

“Anyway,” added McKesson, “we’re gonna focus on the situation at home for a while. Maybe lay low until Trump gets inaugurated and then see if we can make looting great again once Whitey’s in charge.”

“Until then,” he concluded, “I guess it’s back to selling ‘Remember Ferguson’ rubber wristbands on Etsy.”

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Trump Reveals Christmas Letter From Putin

"Am annexing Santa's Workshop. Will now be called North Russia. Also, I will wrestle then eat heart of polar bear. Also, eat hearts of Santa elves."

Am annexing Santa’s Workshop. Will now be called North Russia. Also, I will wrestle then eat heart of polar bear. Also, eat hearts of Santa elves.

New York (AP) – On Friday, President-elect Donald Trump shared a Christmas letter he received from Russian President Vladimir Putin.

In a translation of the December 15 letter provided by the Trump team, Putin wrote that he hopes the US and Russia can act in a “constructive and pragmatic manner” to ensure the stability and security of the world.

“Putin like Trump,” read the letter, in part. “Is smart man. Not like President Reset. Also, wife not look like spaceship-flying bear from Star Wars. We can work together. Make world safe place. We share Ukraine. Your half can be 51st state. Or maybe trade your half for California. Too commie for you, anyway.”

In a statement, Trump called it “a very nice letter.”

“It’s much better than what I got from Obama,” said Trump. “Do you know what that guy gave me? Ipod full of him reading my mean tweets. I already have one of those. In my voice. I do it a lot better.”

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Russia’s Putin Praises Trump, Calls Democrats “Sore Losers”

Speaking at his annual news conference in Moscow, Russia’s President weighed in on the recent US Presidential election, with words of praise for the victor.

“I like Trump,” said Putin. “Good man. Can not handle his vodka, though. Baby tiny hands too small to grip glass. Cute, like watching infant baby bear try to drink out of bottle. But baby bear grow up, become fun to wrestle. Trump get bigger hands, maybe we wrestle, too.”

Is nice globe. Red part is Russia. Silver part is New Russia. US drawn on with dry erase. Will wipe off globe soon.

Is nice globe. Red part is Russia. Silver part is New Russia. US drawn on with dry erase. Will wipe off globe soon.

“Soon must make policy with baby-bear-hand man,” continued Putin. “Will revolve around nuclear weapons. Will be like good old days of Cold War, except Russia victorious. Baby hands too small to push launch button.”

“But I tease Trump,” laughed Putin. “Is worthy opponent. Except weak, like schoolgirl. Maybe should lift something heavier than hairbrush. Be more like Putin. Tie wolves to stick, lift over head. Repeat until not ashamed to take off shirt.”

After discussing the warm international relations he expected to have with Trump, his face darkened as he criticized Hillary and the Democrats.

“Do not get me wrong,” said Putin. “Am respecting Hillary. Is woman of sturdy hips, like good plowhorse. But always whining. Blaming others. Like Ukranians running from Russian tanks.

“All Democrats whine,” Putin continued. “Big sore losers everywhere. Blame Russians. Say we hack servers and emails and Wall Street and national security and everything. Not true. Also, emails boring. All fat Hillary yoga pictures.

“And launch codes?”, concluded Putin, “now 1-2-3-4-5, like idiot would have on luggage”.

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Obama Issues Executive Order Banning Climate from Changing

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Following President Obama’s last-minute executive order banning all off-shore oil drilling, Mr. Obama issued a subsequent command that prohibits all climate change.

The edict – informally dubbed the Safe Temperatures All Year (STAY) Act – creates a government agency that monitors all global temperature levels and sends out an alert any time any temperature varies by 0.1 degrees Celsius.

“It was a stroke of genius on my part,” said Obama. “After I realized that I could bring oil production levels down to zero over an area of hundreds of thousands of square miles, I figured there was no reason I couldn’t the same for temperatures over the whole planet. I do have a pen and a phone, after all”.

The international temperature alert system created by the President will send a signal to a smartphone app that will notify the user of any fluctuation in temperature anywhere on the planet.

President Obama noted that usage of the app is currently voluntary, but “that may change”.

“My hope,” he continued “is that people will get sick of the BRAP! BRAP! BRAP! sound the app makes and then take action to keep our global environment from changing in dangerous ways. People can do amazing things if they put their minds to it.”

“But,” said Obama, “if they won’t listen, we’ll make the ObamAlarm App mandatory. I mean, if the choice is ‘go deaf’ or ‘fix the planet’, I think love for our Earth will win out”.

“Failing that,” concluded Obama, “there’ll be fines & jail time for deniers. That should settle the science.”

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In Stunning Upset, Electoral College Votes in Vladimir Putin

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a shocking result foreseen by no one, the Electoral College votes have been tabulated, and all 538 of them went to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

First act: Forget wall. Annex Mexico. Is like American Ukraine. We liberate.

First act: Forget wall. Annex Mexico. Is like American Ukraine. We liberate.

While members of the Electoral College are expected (and in some states, legally compelled) to vote for the candidate who won the popular vote in the state they represent, they are physically able to vote for anyone they want.

In this case, they unanimously voted for Putin.

Hillary Clinton, whose long-shot hope to flip 38 Trump electors failed miserably, demanded both a recount and her “Reset” button back.

Donald Trump, the formerly presumptive President-Elect, immediately took to Twitter to denounce the results.

“Looks like the work of Russian hackers interfering in our election. So Stopped-Clock Hillary was accidentally right once today” he tweeted.

A calm, yet visibly-pleased Vladimir Putin offered his thoughts on the unprecedented turn of events.

“Trump? He is good man, but not virile like Putin. Always wear shirt, like fat kid at beach. Also, he has soft, fluffy hair like shampoo commercial girl. Real man shave head. Also punch angry bear in face. But not at same time. Unless very, very virile like Putin. Better for America I run country. After I rip heart out of living tiger and eat on TV.”

When asked whether the constitutional requirement of US citizenship would be a bar to his taking office, Putin was at once dismissive and confident of overcoming that challenge.

“Is no problem. Like Obama, I once ate dog, so am qualified. OK, was wolf, but close enough for government work. Also, was two wolves.”

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Walrus Winchell: Electoral College Vote Confirms Trump As 45th President

(a guest post by walruskkkch)

Good evening Mr and Mrs IMAO from border to border and coast to coast and all the Moon Nukers at sea. Let’s go to the news that’s fit to fake.

Flash! Trump’s Electoral vote count tumbles. Hillary still manages to lose. Liberals still pretending a connection to sanity.

Dateline: New York

"The Electoral College - it's the one the Democrats DON'T want to be free!"

“Electoral College – Safe spaces? We don’t have no stinkin’ safe spaces!”

Ending a vicious and highly vocal campaign to change minds with sweet reason, Liberals could only claim a partial victory as 2 Trump-pledged Electors changed their votes today in protest. “After insulting them, belittling them, and threatening them with bodily harm, death and worse – like sexual favors from Madonna – we could only get two”, wailed Moonbeam Smith-Smith, Junior at Bennington College.

“Its just not FAIR!” she repeated over and over again before retreating to her safe space and therapeutic finger painting.

In a bit of related irony, Hillary Clinton actually lost more voters than Trump. Including one to ‘Faith Spotted Eagle’ (either a Native American or a grammatically challenged statement of action from a children’s book).

Given the positive retrograde trend, several Hillary supporters hoped that “Plan Mirror, Mirror” might have been activated. The long-shot plan was to have Clinton get a negative vote total, then the universe would reverse itself into a mirror image where all things are opposite, thus providing Hillary with the win. Clinton – oddly sporting a brand new goatee – did not offer a comment, but did contribute a complaint about wombats who got her drink orders wrong and then started miming herself as being trapped behind an immovable walker.

With the penultimate hurdle hurdled, the final hurdle to hurdle will be On January 6, 2017, when current members of Congress meet to count the electoral votes and declare the winner. Social Justice warriors still hope for a final desperate act on someone’s part before that time to prevent Trump from really, really, REALLY being President. “We are thinking about a Toga party or getting the Germans to bomb Pearl Harbor” said notable escapee from reality
Paul Krugman, “I mean, Great Marx’s Ghost! PRESIDENT TRUMP?!?” he screamed over and over until the new sedatives kicked in and they closed the door to his padded cell at the Happy Dale Rest Facility, formerly known as the New York Times.

That’s the all the news we could make up for today. We’ll do better tomorrow. Or not.

Walrus Winchell over and out.

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Obama On Drone Stolen by Chinese: “No, It’s Cool. Merry Christmas!”

ATLANTIS (AP) – A US oceanographic vessel had its underwater drone stolen by a Chinese warship literally right in front of the eyes of the American crew, a US defense official told CNN.

The USNS Bowditch was sailing about 100 miles off the port at Subic Bay when a small boat from a Chinese warship came up alongside and took the drone.

America wishes its underwater drones looked this cool.

America wishes its underwater drones looked this cool.

The US got no answer from the Chinese on the radio when the US told the Chinese that the drone was American property.

President Obama downplayed the incident, saying it was a “misunderstanding”.

“I heard,” said Obama, “that our Chinese friends were playing with their water-powered speeder-bike in the area, and just got a little confused. I mean, the drone didn’t really look like their toy, but when you’re in a watery place like the ocean, the sun can play tricks on your eyes and make you all confused about what is and isn’t your property.”

“So,” continued Obama, “in order to avoid any incidents that might upset our nuclear-armed, #1 trading-partner and debt-holder, why don’t we just call it a ‘winter holiday present’? Keep it, play with it, strap a nuke to it and float it towards Taiwan the next time they call Trump – whatever you want! It’s yours!”

Speaking at a press conference, China’s chief diplomat, Sum Tin Wong, gave a prepared statement: “Why you spy on us with drone? Why you talk to Taiwan? Our drone now!”

“Also,” added Wong, “we hack emails and leak to basement nerds, not Russia. Why you no give us credit?”

President-elect Trump refused to publicly comment on the situation, but did recently tweet “Chinese untrustworthy thieves who steal anything that’s not nailed down. On the other hand, they REALLY know how to build a wall.”

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Apple Creates Tablet to Comply With California Computer Energy Savings Rules

LOS ANGELES (AP) – As California regulators adopted the nation’s first mandatory energy efficiency rules for computers and monitors – devices that account for 3 percent of home electric bills and 7 percent of commercial power costs in California – Apple Inc. (NASDAQ: AAPL) announced that it would create new devices to meet those standards.

The Apple iBacus: low carbon footprint, fun, and accuracy

The Apple iBacus: low carbon footprint, fun, and accuracy

Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new regulations were an “opportunity to innovate,” and not a “pointless, useless, expensive, feel-good, job-killing burden as its critics claim.”

“Of course,” added Cook, “I have a loyal army of millennials willing to pony up for anything with a silver chomp-appled silhouette on it, so naturally the ‘big picture’ is more obvious to me.”

The first device in the new product line is described in Apple’s official documentation as “an innovative digital computer with a distinctive touch interface”. Cook heaped praise on the device for it’s “zero-power, zero-carbon footprint, 100% earth-affirming design”.

“Also,” continued Cook, “like most Apple products, it’s completely devoid of USB socket, headphone jacks, and card slots. But – and I’m so proud of this – with this little beauty, we’ve even managed to eliminate the on-off switch.”

Dubbed the “iBacus”, the shiny new gadget has almost unheard of computing power, able to represent numbers up to 10 million, and even store most of an entire phone number.

“It should sell like gangbusters” said Cook. “If you’ve ever seen bored millenials in a restaurant, you know they just sit there flicking their fingers up and down on their phones. It’s a natural motion for them now, so it’s a perfect fit.”

Although some early adopters complain about the unit’s lack of ability to create anything artistic beyond a crude impressionistic take on a Skittles spill, Cook insisted the best was yet to come.

“Wait,” grinned Cook, “until we release the Etch-i-Sketch”.

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Oxford U Uses “Ze” in Show of Tolerance

The new official symbol for either gender neutrality or women on windy days.

The new official symbol for either gender neutrality or women on windy days.

(OXFORD) Oxford University is encouraging students to use the gender-neutral pronoun “ze” instead of “she” and “he”.

The students’ union wrote in a leaflet that the move was intended to reduce the risk of transgender students being offended.

Peter Tatchell, an LGBT rights campaigner, said: “It is a positive thing to not always emphasize gender divisions and barriers. This issue isn’t about being politically correct or censoring anyone. It’s about acknowledging the fact of changing gender identities and respecting people’s right to not define themselves as male or female. It is good to have gender-neutral pronouns for those who want them but it shouldn’t be compulsory. Giving people the ‘ze’ option is a thoughtful, considerate move.”

Jordan Peterson, a professor in Canada, uploaded a video on YouTube discussing his refusal to use gender neural pronouns.

He said he was heckled and his office door was glued shut.

FULL DISCLOSURE: this is actually fake Newsish Fakery – all I did was directly quote select portions of the original article

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Secretary of State Kerry Makes Historic Antarctic Visit

by Special Correspondent Walruskkkch

MCMURDO STATION, Antarctica (Associated with Liberals Press) – Secretary of State John Kerry offered comment on President-elect Donald Trump’s election victory on Friday from the safe space he created in Antarctica. Kerry became the highest-ranking American official ever to visit Antarctica when he landed for a two-day trip. He also wanted to complain about the impact of climate change on the frozen continent which he couldn’t understand still being frozen.

John Kerry lands in Antarctica, dodging heavy sniper fire from angry Bosnian penguins.

John Kerry lands in Antarctica, dodging heavy sniper fire from angry Bosnian penguins.

Trump has called climate change a “hoax” and said he would cancel U.S. involvement in the landmark Paris Agreement on global warming.

“As a Democrat I don’t really require any proof,” Kerry said when addressing several hundred scientists and staff trapped at an evening event at McMurdo Station, the large base which is the hub for U.S. operations. “We need to dupe more people, it is not like the truth will help us.”

Kerry said there was a risk that much of Antarctica’s ice will “eventually slide into the ocean” raising eyebrows over his blatant ripoff of Warren Zevon.

Desperate to have the Paris agreement to cut the fossil-fuel emissions causing the planet to warm, “we must be sure the local penguin population has access to nuclear technology,” Kerry said to the audience. He granted that “may include the possibility they could develop nuclear weapons” but added that he “trusted them just as much as any Islamic nation bent on destroying their neighbors by divinely inspired nuclear hellfire.”

Asked how he could give so much to penguins so closely associated with terrorism he responded that “penguins are so sensitive to my needs, which include large cash payments.”

“It isn’t like trusting Americans to own guns” he added.

Kerry had left New Zealand early Friday aboard a C-17 Globemaster military cargo plane which had been held up for about a day by a stretch of bad weather and snow which had nothing to do with the warming of the continent. An experienced politician, Kerry spent much of the flight in the cockpit of the huge jet, boring the pilots with stories of magic hats and scamming the Army out of some medals.

Kerry planned to return to New Zealand on Saturday for a meeting with Prime Minister John Key if the snow stopped. Kerry plans to fly next week to the Middle East, hoping it didn’t snow there. He will then proceed to a global climate conference in Morocco where attendees hope they won’t experience an unexpected snowfall as well.

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California Passes Proposition Requiring Permit to Buy Pens

California residents voted to pass a measure requiring individuals to purchase a permit to buy pens, pencils, crayons, markers, and other writing implements.

The measure, Proposition 63, would require individuals to pay up to $50 for a purchase authorization permit in order to buy any object capable of marking paper.

When Montblancs are outlawed, only outlaws will have Montblancs.

When MontBlancs are outlawed, only outlaws will have MontBlancs.

Further, it outlaws the possession of containers that hold more than 10 leads for automatic pencils, requires background checks for people buying Sharpies, and makes it a crime not to report lost or stolen Crayolas.

The measure was proposed by Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom, who late Tuesday called the vote “historic progress to reduce verbal violence.”

“We all respect the First Amendment,” Newsom said, “but time and time again we see the abuses. Words are used carelessly. Signs are waved. Feelings are hurt.”

“We’re not saying that ALL speech is bad,” Newsom continued. “When used by trained professionals, like news network anchors, words can protect those in power. But it’s ridiculous to assume that untrained amateurs should have that sort of access. Without common sense restrictions on writing, it’d be like the Wild West with hardened outlaws scribbling whatever the felt like.”

“There’s a reason every western ending with shooting,” concluded Newsom, “everyone had pencils.”

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The President’s Memeorial Day Speech

President Barack 0bama presided over the traditional Memorial Day services at Arlington National Cemetery earlier today, by thanking all of the Navy Corpsemen and other fallen members of our armed services present who had died protecting our nation from the scourge of Climate Change.

After solemnly laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Comic by mistake, the President delivered his Memorial Day Address to the assembled throng of military and media.

“Let me be clear,” the President said in his typical articulate, bright and clean manner, his trousers perfectly creased, “It is only because of the ultimate sacrifice of brave men and women like yourselves over the past four-hundred-some-odd years, who gave your lives raising awareness of ManBearPig across all fifty-seven states, that we have been able to keep the scourge of the pending Global Climate Catastrophe at bay. To those of you who have not been derelict in your duties, your efforts have been nothing short of… Error. Reset required. Press control-alt-delete to reboot system.

With that, the ceremony was abruptly ended and the President whisked away to a luxurious private golf course for the remainder of the day after grabbing some ice cream.

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Vehicle Control Advocates Say the Time is Now for Auto Bans

[Article cross-posted at Nuking Politics]

Washington, D.C. (NPN) – Activists rallied at the National Mall today to voice their concerns about the growing danger of vehicles in the hands of crazed drivers, particularly high capacity vehicles.

“I demand all high capacity cars be outlawed!” shouted Daniel Smith, an organizer for the vehicle control advocacy group Coalition to Stop Car Violence. The advocacy group was just one of many organizing the rally that brought an astounding thirty five people to Washington to have their voices heard.

Most vehicle control advocates are just focusing on high capacity vehicles, and the Obama Administration seems to be catering to their concerns. When asked about the President’s stance on the issue, White House press secretary Jay Carney said that the President feels the time has come to put strict limits on how many passengers can be loaded into a single automobile.

“The President is in agreement with the people on this matter.” said Carney. “What we’re looking at most are the really large and dangerous vehicles, such as buses. Too many people are being run over by buses year after year.”

When questioned about Obama’s use of buses, Carney replied: “It is the President’s opinion that high capacity vehicles, such as buses, should only be in the hands of highly trained government drivers.” When asked further about the President’s use of buses to dispose of political liabilities, Carney shouted “Look! Squirrel!” and stood motionless with his eyes closed until the press room emptied.

While the support to place limits on large vehicles capable of being loaded quickly seems to be growing, some are arguing that just banning high capacity vehicles simply isn’t enough and a few lawmakers in the House and the Senate seem to be hearing them loud and clear.

“I hear them loud and clear,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “The time has come for common sense vehicle control, and not just high capacity vehicles like station wagons, vans, and buses, but also more dangerous vehicles.”

Senator Feinstein is leading the charge with a proposal that would have a sweeping effect on what will be allowed on the road…and on the sidewalk. Included in the draft of her bill is a complete ban of military assault style scooters, which are common in retirement areas.

“Buses are killing our children, and vans are kidnapping them.” said Feinstein. “But another issue that is overlooked are these dangerous scooters that are being foisted upon our senior citizens. These things can kill, and should only be allowed for police and military use.”

Not all groups feel that there needs to be vehicle control. Steven Oppy, president of the Monster Trucks, Guns, And Beer Association told us: “These people keep going on about common sense, but they’re not making any sense at all. It’s not big vehicles that kill people, it’s lousy drivers. I mean, have you ever driven in Detroit? Those people are crazy.”

Oppy and his group suggest an alternative to vehicle control: not allowing idiots on the road. “Really, that’s all we need to do to cut down on accidents.” said Oppy. “Send all of the idiots to California and then build a wall.”

But the Vice President, an Idiot-American himself, couldn’t disagree with that sentiment more. While giving a speech at a luncheon for the Disabled Veterans of Call of Duty Association, Biden briefly but passionately gave his opinion on the matter.

“Why do people need so many seats?” said Biden. “Why would you even want to sit in the back seat of a vehicle? It’s called shotgun people! Just ride shotgun.”

NPN ace reporter Gendaibushi [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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