Archive for the ‘Newsish Fakery’ Category
MILWAUKEE (AP) – As voting proceeds in the contentious Wisconsin recall elections, members of the Milwaukee Democratic Party claim that Republican “poll watchers” are interfering with dead people’s right to vote.
Milwaukee County Dem Chair Sachin Chheda said that Walker supporters can’t get through the day without “cheating.”
“This latest lowlife sleaze comes on the heels of countless reports from around the state of various Republican dirty tricks on behalf of Walker,” Chheda said in a statement. “For instance, reports surfaced last weekend that Walker supporters are paying gravediggers to post Walker signs on fresh plots.”
“Even worse,” Chheda continued, “there are numerous accounts of so-called Republican ‘poll-watchers’ refusing to allow people to vote simply because they happened to be Metabolically-Challenged. That sort of blatant discrimination is simply unacceptable in a city less than 100 miles from Chicago, the birthplace of the Deceased-American Rights movement.”
“Besides,” concluded Chheda, “a lot of these voters aren’t really ‘dead-dead’. We have a large Norwegian population in this area, and many of them are simply pining for the fjords.”
A state GOP source dismissed the accusations, saying it was expected from Democrats who have made voter suppression claims part of their playbook.
“That’s just what they do, they’re simply setting the stage for a close election,” the source said. “The story doesn’t exist until they provide evidence. My grandmother’s been dead for 20 years, and she voted just fine. Although she voted for Joe McCarthy. Seems her dirt nap didn’t help her senility any.”
“Also,” continued the source, “These voters are NOT pining! They’ve passed on! These voters are no more! They have ceased to be! They’ve expired and gone to meet their maker! They’re stiffs! Bereft of life! They rest in peace! If Democrats hadn’t dragged them to the voting booth, they’d be pushing up the daisies! Their metabolic processes are now history! They’re off the twig! They’ve kicked the bucket, they’ve shuffled off their mortal coils, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!
“These,” concluded the source angrily, “ARE EX-VOTERS!”
Meanwhile, State Sen. Lena Taylor, D-Milwaukee, sent a letter to Government Accountability Board Director Kevin Kennedy asking for an investigation into the alleged suppressive activities, explaining that the Republicans “most likely stunned the voters just as they were waking up.”
“Norwegians stun easily,” said Taylor, “everybody knows that.”
[Ace IMAO Reporter Larsinkima [High Praise!] contributed to this story.]
LONDON (AP) – A Channel Islands auction house said that it has sold a vial allegedly containing a blood sample from Ronald Reagan to a right wing blogger in Idaho who claims he intends to use it to create “an unstoppable army of Reagan clones.”
The blogger, known on the internet by the obviously fake name “Frank J”, said it was all part of his plan to “Keep America Awesome.”
“I’ve done a lot to serve my country in the past,” said Frank. “Mostly by having a brother who’s a Marine. But also by launching various intricate schemes to defeat those who would put limits on the awesomeness of this great nation. Not just degenerate foreigners, but other smelly things, like monkeys & hippies.”
“Unfortunately, my plans don’t always quite work as well as I hope,” Frank said. “Like my S.M.I.T.E. space laser platform that hit the Navy SEAL stealth helicopter instead of bin Laden’s dialysis machine. Or that incident with my “Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers” plan, the debacle of which was chronicled in the documentary, ‘Jurassic Park.'”
Despite his previous “minor setbacks” the “crazy, but not dangerous” right-wing humor blogger insisted that his “Reagan Clone Army” idea was “foolproof.”
“I’ve spent a lot of time study the flaws of previous historical attempts to create clone armies,” said Frank, a look of grim determination crossing his face. “I’ve eliminated all possible obstacles to success. There will be no CGI hairless rabbits with Jamaican accents, no shadowy Senators who enjoy cross-dressing in hooded bathrobes, and most importantly, the thermal exhaust ports on my planet-destroying space stations will all be smaller than womp rats.”
Ace IMAO Reporter silaS marreD [High Praise!] contributed to this story.
WASHINGTON (AP) – After a Newsweek article declared President Obama to be “the first gay President”, Barack Obama admitted that, although not gay himself, he did have a great-great-great-grandfather who was gay, and said that he’s proud of where he came from.
“You know, I’m proud of my gay heritage,” Obama said during an interview on CNN. “I’m proud of my family. People have looked into my college records, my law school records, every job I’ve ever had, and if they had been able to find those records, and if I’d ever held a job, they would’ve seen that I’ve succeded because I do my work. I work hard. Being a Fractionally Homosexual-American had nothing to do with it.”
“Although I’m certainly entitled to numerous perks & privileges due to my status as 1/32 gay,” continued the President,” I’ve gotten as far as I have only because of my own merits.”
“I’m extremely proud of the fact that I was elected the first barely-measurably gay president of the Harvard Law Review,” said Obama. “Most people think that I was elected because I was black, and – because I filled a color-quota – got away with never actually writing anything longer than a shopping list, while I frittered my days away chasing composite women – who totally existed. But because of my infinitesimal portion of fifth-hand gayness, I had to work hard all the time by occasionally introducing Critical Race Theorists at protest rallies.”
But despite the President’s well-justified unblushing admiration of his remotely ancestral leaning-toward-the-lavender, he insisted that the whole issue was a “political distraction” cooked up by his Republican opponent.
“What really matters to hard-working, middle-class Americans,” concluded the President, “is whether, while working at Bain Capital, Mitt Romney committed acts of vampirism. Did he sparkle? Did he climb trees really fast while seducing teenage girls? The voting public needs answers.”
RENO (AP) – During a campaign stop in Reno, Nevada, President Obama announced that from now on, the Secret Service would only hire sexless, elderly couples to protect the President. The move comes in response a recent scandal involving young, stud-muffinly, male Secret Service agents paying women for sex during a Presidential visit to Colombia.
The latest hires, Fred and Ethel Mertz of Reno, Nevada, have been married for 45 years, and last engaged in an act of physical intimacy in 1990.
“Well,” said Fred, “the ol’ Johnson stopped working after the heart attack, and the doc says my ticker ain’t strong enough to handle the blue pills. But it’s been so long I don’t really miss it, anyway. But on the bright side, my complete lack of libido allows me to fully concentrate on protecting the Commander-in-Chief from wild-eyed crazies what mean to do him harm.”
“I’ll jump in front of the man to take a bullet, although it might take me a bit to get there. Too many years of too much pasta,” said Fred with a grin, affectionately rubbing his paunch.
“Honestly, I never much cared for bedroom antics anyway,” said Ethel, “and I was actually relieved when Fred stopped pestering me. I’ve got my knitting to keep me busy, and if anyone so much as looks at the President wrong, I’ll jab both needles straight into his peepers.”
“Assuming he doesn’t run away,” added Ethel thoughtfully. “My hip pains me some on damp days, and I’m not as spry as I used to be.”
UPDATE: Linked by The Jawa Report
HOLLYWOOD (AP) – With the record-breaking box-office success of “The Avengers,” Time Warner Studios is hoping to bounce back from its disappointing “Green Lantern” entry into the superhero-movie genre with a new film designed to give a dark, gritty reboot to DC Comics’ “Aquaman”.
Time Warner spokesman Eric Mangan enthusiastically explained the studios’ vision.
“Most people only know Aquaman from the horrid 70’s ‘SuperFriends‘ cartoons, said Mangan, “and they tend to remember him as some loser in green tights who was so lame that he was frequently upstaged by Wendy, Marvin, and WonderDog. Still, other than being completely helpless on land, he was actually stronger than Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman combined. At least in the area of piscine communication skills.”
With few people – even Aquaman’s biggest fans (assuming he has any) – knowing or caring anything about America’s most bedampened superhero, studio execs felt they had the advantage of having a completely blank slate as far as creating a compelling backstory for the watery wonder.
“We’ve already hired the country’s foremost Aquaman expert, Frank Fleming, to spearhead the script-writing process,” said Mangan. “This thing is going to be box office gold. GOLD, I say!”
Speaking from his secluded mountain shack in darkest Idaho, Fleming could hardly contain his excitement.
“Yeah, I’ve made up stuff about Aquaman before,” said Fleming, “so I’m pretty sure I can do it again. You know, except all dark & gritty instead of him being a wimpy, fish-talking fruitcake. I’ll probably start off with vignettes of him getting beat up by his enemies, like a maple leaf, bedbugs, and high gas prices, just to give him the bitterness and anger that drives all dark & gritty superheroes.”
“I’m not sure who I’ll show him battling successfully at the end, yet,” Fleming admitted, “but I’m currently toying with some sort of epic final confrontation with Barack Obama at an algae biofuel plant where he dramatically reveals that they aren’t really using high-energy plankton – sorta like the end of ‘Soylent Green’.”
WASHINGTON (AP) – The Obama-appointed Environmental Protection Agency official who explained that the agency uses a “crucify them” enforcement philosophy against oil and gas companies apologized for his comments on Wednesday night.
“I apologize to those I have offended and regret my poor choice of words,” said Region 6 EPA Administrator Al Armendariz during a press conference. “Although I WAS historically correct about the Romans crucifying people at random to subjugate the conquered – which would make it a perfectly appropriate weapon for the EPA’s regulatory arsenal.”
“However, I’ve since been informed that ‘crucifixion’ is a term frequently associated with Christianity, and because this administration wishes to avoid the appearance of unconstitutionally conflating church and state, I withdraw the remark.”
“Obviously,” continued Armendariz, “I was just trying to say that the EPA intends only to enforce its own brand of bureaucratic justice, brooking not the least whisper of rebellion from the broken and defeated blackguards of the ‘free-marketeer’ persuasion. There will be no ‘exploration’. There will be no ‘profits’. There are only taxes and obedience. We will violate their women, burn their buildings, feed their dogs to our President, and sow salt upon their land, that it may lay scarred and desolate for all of eternity.”
“So,” concluded Armendariz, “I apologize if the ‘crucifixion’ thing offended any Muslims.”
ELYRIA, OHIO (AP) – At a campaign fundraising event, President Barack Obama accused his Republican rivals of trying to restrict America’s dietary choices instead of promoting the consumption of dog meat to help the middle class. Obama said those Republicans “don’t seem to remember how America was built.”
“History records,” intoned Obama, “that when the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth rock, the friendly, peaceful natives were there to shower them with gifts of Schnauzer steaks and corned Collie. During the toughest hours at Valley Forge, our brave revolutionary soldiers ate the toughest meat – which, of course, is dog – to give them the strength to defeat the weak and crumpet-munching British.”
“Benjamin Franklin himself,” the President reminded his audience, “is famous for coining the aphorism ‘a poodle seared is a poodle burned,’ reminding a young nation that we must remain diligently watchful of our most precious gifts, like liberty and Lhasa Apsos.”
“When Abraham Lincoln built the intercontinental railroad during the middle of the Civil War, what do you think he fed the thousands of Chinese workers? That’s right – cat. But the millions of undocumented Mexicans who helped were definitely chomping Chihuahua.”
In a press release, Republican presidential front-runner Mitt Romney’s campaign derided the president’s statement as “historically ignorant.”
“The President is engaging in the worst sort of liberal revisionism. As our founding documents so eloquently disclaim, ‘no dogs were harmed in the making of these Free and Independent States.'”
ELYRIA, OHIO (AP) – Following President Barack Obama taking a not-too-subtle swipe at his Republican opponent, Mitt Romney, by declaring: “I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth,” conspiracy theorists have begun demanding that Obama produce his birth spoon to prove his claim.
The head of the “spooner” movement, Rielle “Lunar” Tich, said that she doesn’t necessarily doubt the President’s claim, she just wants to see the evidence herself.
“He says it wasn’t a ‘silver spoon‘. Fine… then what WAS it? Was it stainless steel? Was it plastic? Was it actually a fork? I mean, there are a LOT of questions here, and Obama is clearly stonewalling by refusing to release his actual, original birth utensil.”
Although the Obama administration quickly responded to the allegations by releasing a small, grainy image of the eating equipment alleged to have been originally stuffed in the infant Obama’s oral cavity upon uterine explusion, many remain unconvinced.
“Look closely at the White House’s ‘official’ image, and you’ll notice how the two middle tines extend outward past the curve of the spoon-bowl’s natural arc,” said Tich. “This is clearly a fake.”
“The truth is that the original is locked up in a kitchen drawer in Hawaii somewhere, and Obama will neither release it, nor grant permission for it to be viewed by the general public. Although the Governor of Hawaii CLAIMS he’s seen it with his own eyes, he later recanted with the feeble excuse that the drawer was ‘stuck because of a wedged spatula’ and he ‘only caught of glimpse’ of the original.”
Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney’s campaign refused to comment directly on the infant implement imbroglio, saying only that “it’s time for America to focus on important things like jobs and the economy, and stop being distracted by when what was crammed into which of the President’s orifices, and whether it was full of dog meat at the time.”
CARTAGENA, COLOMBIA – (AP) Colombian civil authorities are on high alert, desperately attempting to quell riots after President Obama threatened the country at the Summit of the Americas on Saturday by saying he was there “to scout out where I may want to bring Michelle back later for vacation.”
“He and his gang of bandito Secret Service agents have already stolen our precious prostititutes,” said Colombian President Juan Mauel Santos. “What will he do the next time he comes here? Entice our sluts with free contraceptives?”
“This is obviously a threat to send troops into our nation,” said Santos. “Remember that time he ‘vacationed’ to Brazil and BAM! Libya goes up in flames? You don’t have to be a genius to know that ‘bring Michelle’ is code for ‘invade your country and steal your tamales.'”
In cities all over Colombia, streets were littered with overturned serape stands and burning burros, and rioters howled their displeasure over Obama’s bullying tactics.
“Why would he bring Michelle here?” wailed protester Juan Valdez. “We don’t have luxury ski resorts in our mountains. Just coffee, hand-picked by hard-working peasants like myself. There is no snow there. Well, not the skiing kind, anyway. Why don’t they go to Qatar? Lots of fat-asses over there for her to nag.”
A spokesman for Michelle Obama dismissed the situation as “overblown,” insisting that the First Lady was unlikely to visit Colombia.
“Well, basically, it’s a third-world rathole. Why would she go there? Unless they start selling $6000 purses and breeding Wagyu llamas.”
PYONGYANG (AP) – North Korea launched a long-range rocket on Friday, but it broke apart before escaping the earth’s atmosphere and fell into the sea. The Korean Central News Agency said that scientists, technicians and experts are looking into the specific cause of the failure, but preliminary reports indicate it likely stemmed from allowing Democrat strategist Hilary Rosen to take charge of the operation.
Fearing negative publicity about the launch, the North Korean government had hired Rosen in the hopes that she could put a “friendlier face” on the event.
“We’re big fans of Ms. Rosen’s work,” said North Korean spokesman Ri Tong-il. “As head of the RIAA, she put a human face to the organization, associating it closely with grandmothers and small children who downloaded songs off the internet. The once-hated music consortium is now frequently referred to as ‘jack-booted thugs’, which – according to Google Translate – is a warm American term of endearment.”
However, the project soon ran into headwinds with Rosen at the helm.
“On day one,” explained Tong-il, “she fired nearly everyone working on the project. Said something about how North Korean scientists had ‘never worked a day in their lives’ and insisted that only women who divided their time between careers and raising children were qualified to work on the project. Naturally we pointed out that North Korean women aren’t allowed to learn rocket science, but she assured us that is was enough that they knew how to make choices in terms of how to feed their kids and send them to school.”
“In retrospect,” sighed Tong-il, “it probably should’ve been a red flag to us that she had all the rocket’s o-rings replaced with Fruit Roll-ups.”
Rosen later apologized for her role in facilitating the tragically ill-constructed space-vehicle’s untimely catastrophic failure, saying “this isn’t about whose rocket crashed where because of whom. This is about the waitress in a diner in some place in Pyongyang who’ll never get the chance to wire up fancy rockety doo-dads. I’m sorry if that offended you, but it’s time to focus on the real issues. Let’s put this faux rocket launch to rest once and for all.”
WASHINGTON (AP) – During a speech at the “White House Forum on Women and the Economy,” President Obama shared his personal experiences regarding the work-family balance, explaining why America should be grateful for the First Lady’s increasing attention to the eating & exercise habits of the nation’s youth.
“Michelle and I have our girls,” related the President, “and we give it our all to balance raising a family and pursuing careers. It’s something that can be very difficult on her, because I’m gone a lot. I can’t watch what’s on everybody’s plate. That’s why we don’t have the luxury not to have Michelle haranguing you about your fat, lazy kids.”
“Sure, some millionaire presidential candidates can afford to mind their own business and focus on raising their own children, but America’s busy, hard-working middle class families need a professional, hands-on nanny-state to keep little hands out of the Doritos bag. I’m busy keeping the hands of Big Insurance out of the free-market bag, so Michelle really had no choice but to step in.”
The President added that, after his inevitable reelection, he hoped to have more freedom to assist the First Lady in her herculean task of micro-managing the nation’s caloric intake and physical activity.
“Once the unelected group of justices on the Supreme Court stops messing with my signature health care accomplishment,” said Obama, “I hope to be able to appoint an unelected group of bureaucrats to oversee everyone’s menu and exercise regimens, taking some of the burden off my overworked wife.”
“Eventually,” he concluded, “we hope to have the luxury of her being able to spend more time with our daughters at America’s various luxury ski resorts.”
[Linked at Protein Wisdom]
“I’ve always said that the true engine of job creation in this country is the private sector, not the government,” Obama said during a signing ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. “Our job is to help our companies grow and hire. This bill will pay private companies to engage in the wholesale slaughter of polar bears, which have become a plague upon this nation, devouring our crops and chasing American families from their homes.”
Despite fears from global warming advocates fearing their imminent extinction, polar bear populations have nearly doubled in the last year. If this trend were to continue – as it must, since all trends related to global warming are permanently linear when rising – experts predict that within 10 years, the coastal areas of the United States would be under 20 feet of polar bears.
“Every day I’m fighting to make sure America is the best place on Earth to do business,” said President Obama. “And it’s kinda hard to do that when you’re up to your ass in polar bears.”
“Much like the government’s home energy credit has resulted in solar panels and windmills on the roof of every home in the United States, the polar bear credit will surely save our nation from this fur-clad menace that threatens our very existence. At the same time, it will provide a much needed boost to our country’s flagging ursine eradication industry by providing good, high-paying jobs to those most in need of having their animal blood-lust sated.”
“Also,” concluded the President, “I heard they taste like Wagyu.”
Republicans were dismissive of the bill’s prospects for success.
RNC Chair Reince Priebus observed, “First, they taste like chicken. Second, when is Obama going to stop getting distracted by nonsense and get serious about America’s REAL problems by signing the bill already passed by the Republican House declaring war on caterpillars?”
UPDATE: Linked by SZone
WASHINGTON (AP) – With his ambitious plans for a nation-wide high-speed rail program continuing to be stymied Republicans refusing to support new investment initiatives, President Obama announced a new program that he hoped to make the centerpiece of his 2012 campaign: high-speed rotary-dial telephones.
During a Rose Garden press conference, Obama introduced his innovative agenda.
“Since the push-button telephone was invented by Al Gore in 1963, progress in the area of phone number selection systems has completely stagnated,” said Obama. “Due to the monopolistic greed of Big Keypad, American are left with no choice in how they select remote communication digits. But this nation must change to embrace the future by letting go of the past to embrace the even more distant past.
“Recently I suggested that our nation’s intercontinental train network could be improved by investing hundreds of billions of dollars to make America’s trains go a little bit faster than they did in 1962. The visionless Republicans in Congress said ‘up yours’. That’s why I’m now proposing we make America’s rotary-dial phones go a little bit faster than they did in 1962.”
“New technologies invented by the Dialyndra company can enable us to dial a ‘9’ or ‘0’ in only 2 seconds instead of the 3 seconds it used to take, sharply reducing wasted dialing time and providing the average American up to 10 extra years of free time that they could be better spent with their families, or waiting for medical treatment under Obamacare.”
During the question and answer period following the press conference, President Obama suggested that his inevitably successful high-speed rotary-dialing program would likely be followed by other time-saving technology initiatives, such as the 9-track tape and the 34-rpm record.
NEW ORLEANS (AP) – After President Obama criticized the Supreme Court’s right to review the health care law by saying the “unelected group of people” on the Court would not dare to “take what would be an unprecedented, extraordinary step of overturning a law that was passed by a strong majority of a democratically elected Congress,” a three-judge panel of the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals ordered him to submit a three-page, single-spaced letter by noon Thursday addressing whether the Executive Branch believes courts have such power.
“It’s not really that we WANT to punish him,” said Appeals Court Judge Jerry Smith, “we know he WANTS to be good, but he’s got such a mouth on him. And what a temper! Normally we’d just put him in time-out, or give him a stern talking-to, but we think it may be time for a little ‘tougher love’.”
Judge Emilio Garza agreed. “One time we decided to be a little more lenient and let everyone running for President ask for as much money as they wanted, and instead of being happy that he could have more money, Barack got angry. Said we were of letting people be ‘bankrolled by foreign interests.’ Barack is a nice boy, but he really needed to learn not be so cheeky.”
“So,” continued Garza, “we told him, firmly but gently, ‘don’t be disrespectful, young man,’ and made him turn his desk in the Oval Office around and face the wall and think about what he did. Then we come back, and the bust of Winston Churchill is missing. We found it out back in the trash next to a perfectly good Dalai Lama that he’d also thrown out. He’s gotten even more out of control since then.”
“He just keeps acting out in these passive-agressive ways,” said Judge Leslie Southwick. “We give him a simple chore to complete, like secure the border, and the next thing you know, our checking account is overdrawn because Barack’s been writing checks to Solyndra and General Motors and bunch of his other no-good shiftless buddies.”
“There was one time,” said Southwich “out of sheer orneriness, he poured sodium silicate into the car’s engine and ran it until it seized. We asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, and he said ‘who cares? It’s just a dirty old clunker that gets bad gas mileage! It serves you right for hating the planet!’. I mean, what can you really do with someone like that? It’s almost like he’s crazy, you know? He scares us a little sometimes.”
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts also voiced his concern over the path the President seems to be going down. “When he loses the next election and we tell him he can’t be President any more, who knows how he’ll act out? Cry? Hold his breath? Lock himself in the Monica Lewinsky Memorial Intern Closet? There’s just no telling how he’ll misbehave next.”
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, now age 79, disagreed with the conservative 5th Circuit’s punishment, saying, “one more cheeky remark out of that sassy little mouth of his and so help me I’ll make him go outside and cut me a switch!”
“And he better not step on my azaleas while he’s doing it!” concluded Ginsburg.
(IMAO Ace Reporter Deb [High Praise!] contributed to this article.)
NEW YORK CITY (AP) – NBC has revealed that it is launching an internal investigation into the “editing process” surrounding its broadcast of the conversation between George Zimmerman and a police 911 dispatcher, where Zimmerman appeared to volunteer racial information.
NBC played the conversation on the “Today Show” as: “This guy looks like he’s up to no good. He looks black.”
However, the unedited clip from the 911 call was as follows:
Zimmerman: This guy looks like he’s up to no good. Or he’s on drugs or something. It’s raining and he’s just walking around, looking about.
Dispatcher: OK, and this guy – is he black, white or Hispanic?
Zimmerman: He looks black.
At a press conference Monday, “Today” show executive producer Jim Bell apologized for the error, saying “it does not represent the high journalistic standards of the ‘Today’ show.”
After awkwardly fumbling with his notecards for a few moments, he added thoughtfully, “why not try a holiday in Sweden this year? See the lovely lakes, the wonderful telephone system, and many interesting furry animals. Including the majestic moose. A moose once bit my sister…”
At this point, NBC News Senior Vice President Cheryl Gould shoved Bell off the stage and announced, “we apologize for the fault in this press conference. Those responsible have been sacked.”
Within seconds, Bell had clambered back onto the stage and grabbed the microphone while shouting, “mind you, moose bites can be pretty nasty…”
Attempting to regain control of the situation, NBC News President Steve Capus shoved both Gould and Bell off the stage, declaring, “we apologize again for the fault in this press conference. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.”
The press conference ended abruptly in complete disarray when it was suddenly invaded by Vikings chanting about either spicy canned meat or unsolicited commercial email.
No moose were harmed during the event.
WASHINGTON (AP) – As a follow-up to its Fast & Furious gun-smuggling program, the Department of Justice is coordinating with the Department of Homeland Security to ship 450 million bullets to Mexico.
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano explained that the move was an attempt to correct some of the errors made during the DoJ’s recent program to sneak American firearms into the hands of Mexican drug lords, and then use their inevitable murderous rampages as leverage for stronger gun control laws in the United States.
“Monday the FedEx guy just dropped 450 million bullets on our doorstep for some reason,” said Napolitano. “Probably should’ve got to the Department of Defense down the hall. Lord knows if our troops had that much ammo, WE sure as heck wouldn’t need it. But, I didn’t ask any questions. I’m a member of President Obama’s cabinet. They don’t pay me to think.”
“Anyway, a couple hours later, Eric Holder pops his head into my office and asks to ‘borrow a bullet to put an end to the humiliation of my scandal once and for all’. I said ‘sure, take 450 million of them.’ Then his eyes got real wide like he just had a great idea. You could almost see the light bulb over his head. It wasn’t a CFL, bulb, though. I’m going to report him to Steven Chu for that.”
At at press conference on Thursday, Attorney General Eric Holder announced he would launch a follow-up program to “Fast & Furious” called “Bullets for Banditos”.
“As I mentioned in my previous congressional testimony, I realize now that the ‘Fast & Furious’ program was executed ‘extremely poorly’. You see, although we shipped thousands of guns to vicious criminal kingpins south of the artificial line drawn between the two great nations of Mexico and America, we completely forgot to give them any bullets. I mean, like, WOW! What the heck was I thinking?”
“However, the United States fully intends to correct its embarrassing oversight, and those most desperately in need of the capability to intimidate and slaughter anyone who might get in their way can rest assured that we will address this situation with all due haste.”
Asked if he was concerned that some people might consider the operation’s name racist, Holder replied, “absolutely not.”
“First,” he explained, “I’m black, and therefore incapable of racism, so it’s racist of you to even ask that question. Second, all Hispanics were recently reclassified as white, and you’d have to be a complete idiot to think that ‘banditos’ was an ethnic slur against white people.”
Chastised, the reporter then withdrew the question.
WASHINGTON (AP) – President Obama held a press conference today to “clarify” remarks he made at the tail end of his 90 minute meeting with Russian President Dmitri Medvedev Monday, which were picked up by microphones as reporters were let into the room.
“Now,” began the President after the attendees had quieted down, “when I said I needed ‘space’ to solve the missile defense issue, I was taking a firm and manly stand against the encroachment of Russian satellite technology orbiting the earth. The United States is currently contracting with a high-tech, sustainable, solar-powered defense firm in Idaho to create a space-based laser system for shooting down evil Russkie missiles. Lots of good, green jobs, ya know. And the thing is huge, so it needs lots of space. In space. So, that’s what I meant by needing space.”
“As for the part about having ‘more flexibility’ after the election,” continued Obama, “well, it was supposed to be a secret, but the cat’s out of the bag now. So, I’m proud to announce that my wife, Michelle, is rolling out her ‘Let’s Flex!’ program next year for all government workers. It’s like yogi & pilots… all that bendy stuff. I like to joke that it’ll help me get out of the way if I ever find myself between Michelle and a tamale. Heh. Good times. We kid a lot. But seriously. Just, you know, like dance aerobics. To increase flexibility. Certainly no threat to violate the constitutional limits on my powers or anything.”
“Finally,” concluded Obama, “telling Medvedev what America’s nuclear launch codes are was just sort of a back-up plan for ensuring the complete annihilation of the United States on the off chance that my plan to destroy it economically falls through. Don’t worry. They probably won’t even need to use them unless Obamacare gets overturned.”
After an aide informed the President that his last remark to Medvedev hadn’t been overheard by reporters, Obama paused in dead silence, then said “Oh! That’s my ring,” checked his cell phone, and stated “gotta take this” while hurrying off stage.
WASHINGTON (AP) – Emotions continue to run high after Jon McNaughton, a controversial artist who often mixes religion and politics in his work, released a new painting depicting President Obama reading the Constitution.
Entitled “One Nation Under Law”, the portrait shows the President thoughtfully contemplating the wisdom of the limits the Founders placed on the powers of his office.
Jerry Saltz, an art critic for New York Magazine, Saltz said that the painting contained “bad academic derivative realism,” calling it “typical propaganda art, drop-dead obvious in message” and describing it as “close to the hate images produced in the Jim Crow era.”
Obama campaign adviser David Axelod called it “degrading and racist.”
“This painting suggests that the President is subservient,” said Axelrod, “and must not act without written permission. It’s just another example of the extreme right-wing wagging a finger in the face of this country’s first African-American President, warning him not to get too ‘uppity.’ It’s saying that a black man should know his place, and that he’s subject to the rules of white men who owned slaves. It should have been titled ‘Uncle Tom Gets a Whipping'”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said it was “just an extension of the deranged birther accusations.”
“Here we have a President,” groused Reid, “holding what appears to be a poorly-reproduced short-form copy of the Constitution, instead of the original long-form document. Not the least bit subtle, is it? It’s the sort of blatant misrepresentation we’ve come to expect from these extremists.”
DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Shultz said she was “mortified and offended” at the message the image sends.
“There should always be limits on power,” said Schultz, “and if the pen is mightier than the sword, then the paintbrush is an assault rifle, just like the ones banned by the Second Amendment. Coercive power like that needs to be tightly controlled with checks and balances.”
NEW YORK (AP) – After documents taken from bin Laden’s compound by U.S. forces on May 2, the night he was killed, showed that his US-born media adviser, Adam Gadahn, considered Fox News inferior to other TV news organizations, Fox News Channel CEO Roger Ailes issued a press release apologizing for the cable news giant’s unsatisfactory performance.
Discussing what would be the best television outlets for a bin Laden anniversary video, Gadahn said, “It should be sent for example to ABC, CBS, NBC, and CNN and maybe PBS and VOA. As for Fox News let her die in her anger.” At another point, he said of the networks: “From a professional point of view, they are all on one level – except (Fox News) channel, which falls into the abyss as you know, and lacks objectivity, too.”
In response, Fox News Channel CEO Roger Ailes issued the following statement of apology:
“We at Fox News Channel are deeply concerned by reports that certain associates of the late Osama bin Laden have been disappointed by their experiences with the Fox News team, and wish to offer our sincerest apologies.”
“With sadness, we must admit that you are correct: we are not on the same level as ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and maybe PBS and VOA. Like James Cameron’s planned expedition to the Marianas Trench, there are obviously levels to which we have not yet sunk.”
“There also remain legitimate questions about our objectivity. By way of contrition, we shall endeavor in the future to attack all targets equally without regard to innocence, guilt, or political affiliation. Like a ball-bearing-filled suicide-vest.”
“And finally, we wish to express our heartfelt regret over what America has done to you over the last decade. Specifically, letting you live long enough to see yourself so cruelly misrepresented in the American press. We will put every resource at our command into supporting the immediate correction of this egregious oversight.”
Signed by Roger Ailes, the press release also contained a short postscript
“P.S. If it makes you feel any better, we don’t consider MSNBC to be a news organization, either.”