Cthulhu Third Party Candidacy at an End

R’lyeh, South Pacific (NPN) – Potential presidential candidate Cthulhu has made it official: he has decided not to run as a third party “greater of evils” option in this year’s U.S. Presidential race.

The Dread god is sitting this one out.

“I just don’t see the point,” a somber Cthulhu said. “I mean, my platform has always been the total and utter destruction and subjugation of the human race, starting with the United States. But this year, there is already a candidate who can help accomplish these things.”

Cthulhu worries that running for president could jeopardize the Obama campaign by stealing votes from the misanthropic and nihilist segments of the Democrat base, which are sizable, but not enough to win an election on.

“The worst thing that can happen here, is that people select the lesser of evils, Mitt Romney. I just can’t be party to that, when I am such an outspoken proponent of the greater of evils in an election.” said Cthulhu, while eating one of our reporters. “Mmm nom nom, um, if Obama keeps up what he is doing, *burrrrrp*, then I could take the election in 2016, and the United States will be so broken by then, it will be child’s play to finish the work I intend to do.”

In other news, while it was speculated that General Zod would also enter the race again, very little has been heard out of his camp. Zod himself was unavailable for comment when asked about it, but a spokesperson did respond to NPN’s inquest.

“The General has not made a decision on whether he will run this year, or, more likely, simply take over the world.” said the Zod spokesperson. “Kneel before Zod.”

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Harry Reid Accused of Piloting UFO Around DC Area

WASHINGTON (AP) – After numerous UFO sightings in the DC area last June, spokesmen from the Patuxent Naval Air Station revealed that it was actually just an experimental drone aircraft. Although the Navy claims that the X-47B is flown completely by its computer and has no personnel aboard, a quick search of the internet by ABC’s Brian Ross proved the military’s cover story to be false.

“No evidence to suggest Harry Reid disembarked his UFO long enough to meet with Obama and inappropriately touch young people.”

“There’s a ‘Hairy Reed’ of Washington DC, page on Twitter,” said Ross, “and there’s a tweet here talking about him flying a UFO. Now, we don’t know if this is the same Harry Reid. But it’s Harry Reid of Washington, DC. This might be significant.”

As further evidence, the Washington Post cited “a phone call from some guy who once read cowboy poetry,” but declined to identify him. He was, however, quoted as saying, “Harry Reid! He’s in the sky! He’s everywhere! HE’S EVERYWHERE!”

The Washington Post’s Ed O’Keefe said the conclusion was “obvious”.

“The responsibility of the media is to report stories no matter what they’re based on, for example truth, or rumors, or the loudest of my little head-voices. And based on the deranged rantings of an anonymous lunatic, we must assume that Harry Reid is a space alien bent on global destruction who does strafing runs over the DC area for kicks.”

“Also,” concluded O’Keefe, “according to a recent Twitter hashtag, Reid may also be a pederast. Now we don’t know if it’s the same Harry Reid, but this might be significant.”

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Jay Carney Refuses to Identify Capital of the United States

WASHINGTON (AP) – After twice dodging reporters’ questions on whether Tel Aviv or Jerusalem was the capital of Israel (it’s Jerusalem), White House Press Secretary Jay Carney later repeatedly declined to identify the capital of the United States.

The White House transcript reveals the exchange went like this:
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“Look, I’m just not very good at geographology, OK? Leave me alone!”

CONNIE LONG (USA Radio Network): Ok, Jay, here’s an easier question – what’s the capital of the United States.

CARNEY: I haven’t had that question in a while. Our position has not changed, Connie.

LONG: What is the position? What’s the capital?

CARNEY: You know our position.

LONG: I don’t.

CARNEY: Ok, well, you know that position where you have one foot on an ice floe, and one foot on a glacier, and the ice floe is slowly drifting out to sea, and your legs are spreading further & further apart and your pants rip because you don’t want to commit to moving either foot, so eventually you just fall into the icy water and get eaten by a walrus?

LONG: I don’t, but Lisa Murkowski might.

CARNEY: Well, that’s the position Mitt Romney’s in from twisting President Obama’s words by quoting him verbatim.

LES KINSOLVING (World Net Daily): Did you just change the subject?

CARNEY [looking down, shuffling feet]: …nnnnnnnoooo…

LONG: What’s the capital of the US, Jay?

CARNEY: Well, as has been the position of this administration from the beginning on this very complicated question, there are many conflicting theories. At one time or another, cities such as Philadelphia, Baltimore, and New York City have all served as America’s capital. To say that any of them are no longer the US capital, simply due to the mere passage of time, would be to disparage their service to this nation. It may also constitute unjust racial discrimination, as most verbal statements do. For example, when Mitt Romney said “Anglo-Saxon“.

KINSOLVING: You’re changing the subject again.

CARNEY: Your face is changing the subject!

LONG: What’s the capital of the US, Jay?

CARNEY: Well, again, our position has not changed. It’s very complicated. It could be lots of cities. Like Sacramento.

KINSOLVING: Sacramento’s the capital of California.

CARNEY: In one sense, yes, but Sacramento is a “capital”, and since it’s within America’s borders, it can be described as being “of the United States”. So if you were given two cities, like Sacramento and, say, Winnipeg, you could say “Sacramento, the capital of the United States”.

LONG: You COULD, but only an idiot WOULD.

CARNEY: Did not!

LONG [impatiently]: Jay… what’s the capital of the United States?

CARNEY: According to Mitt Romney, who refuses to admit the truth about it: BAIN Capital! HA!

JIM TREACHER (Daily Caller): Obama ate a dog.

CARNEY [sniffles, cries]: You’re mean! I’m telling! [runs off stage]
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After the press briefing, the three divisive reporters who hurt Mr. Carney’s feelings were barred from the briefing room and suspended without pay pending the completion of sensitivity training and an apology where they say it like they actually mean it.

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Washington College Students Rally to Protect Cows From Global Warming

SEATTLE (AP) – A newly released report showing that higher temperatures cause cows to give less milk is uniting climate and animal rights activists to take immediate action to counteract the negative effects of bovine heat stress.

“Stop giving my cow PBR!”

“Cows are happy in parts of Northern California and not in Florida. That’s a good way to sum up the findings of my new research,” said University of Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz. “A hot cow is a cranky cow, and a cranky cow gives less milk. So, in addition to fighting climate change, we must all struggle together to make our Bovine-American friends happier. If we fail, we risk facing a tragic “Cows With Guns” scenario.

Professional animal rights activist Sunshine Daffodil Wyzowski explained how she developed her so-far resoundingly successful methods of cow-cheering.

“We start with the assumption that cows are highly intelligent creatures,” said Wyzowski, “much like progressive college students. Therefore it’s only logical to conclude that the same things will make them happy. You know, like chanting, bongos, songs by Animal Collective (on vinyl of course), PBR, and ironic hats. If we provide our Bovine-American friends with these things in sufficient quantities, it’s only logical to conclude that we will be able to counteract the effects of climate change, which is man-made and George Bush’s fault.”

Local dairy-owner Billy Bob Jones, whose farm was the center of a recent cow-cheering event, reported mixed results.

“Well, as anyone with a lick of sense knows, cows are pretty dumb,” said Jones. “Kinda like progressive college students. And they’re easily scared by loud noises. Last week, a bunch of them overprivilged, under-brained UW snots come trompin’ onto my land, chanting, beatin’ on drums, and playin’ the gadawfulest records you’d ever heard in your life. Rattled my poor cows pretty bad. They haven’t given a drop of milk since.”

During the interview, Sunshine Wyzowski’s crew paid a surprise return visit to the farm, causing Jones to abruptly run off yelling “get that damn fedora offa my Bessie!”

A subsequent attempt to contact Jones to finish the interview was unsuccessful, ending with shotgun-waving and a request for this reporter to “get the hell of my land, hippie!”

IMAO Ace Reporter drowningpuppies [High Praise!] contributed to this story, and is currently in the hospital having buckshot tweezed out of his tuckus. Get well soon, DP!

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UPDATE: Linked by PBS

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Vice President Biden to Skip Democrat Convention

(a guest post from T-dog [High Praise!])

WASHINGTON (AP) – With the growing list of Democrats not attending the convention this year, there is one more name to add to the list: Vice President Joe Biden. When asked why he wouldn’t be attending he responded, “Are you effing kidding me? This guy is a train wreck and I don’t want to be associated with him.”

“Sure beats a convention. Wheeeeeeee!

“There is a growing reality among many people in the nation, but especially among Democrats, that President Obama is grossly under-qualified to be the leader of the less and less free world,” Vice President Biden stated. “Just because I said he was a good looking, articulate black guy doesn’t mean I thought he was qualified to be president.”

In response to these statements, the Department of Homeland Security issued the following statement: “Due to the recent remarks by Vice President Biden, we have put him on the terrorist watch list. Such statements about the President of the United States should not be tolerated and are extremely racist. They are incendiary and inflammatory and the marks of a right-wing extremist.”

President Obama was not available for comment as he was golfing, away from his handicap. Attempts were made to reach Vice President after he was listed as a right-wing extremist, but he was unavailable for comment as his rainbow colored pinwheel had just arrived.

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Obama to Receive Nobel Participant Prize for Trying Real Hard

OSLO (AP) – Just days after President Obama told a reporter for WLWT-TV in Ohio “that most people in Cincinnati would acknowledge that I’ve tried real hard,” the international community did just exactly that very thing. The Nobel Committee announced today that President Obama would be the recipient of the Nobel Participant Prize.

YAY! I winned real good!

“We really wanted to give him the Peace Prize again,” said Committee Chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “but between drone strikes, Gitmo still being open, and the whole ‘chucking bin Laden into the sea’ thing, even an organization as nefariously corrupt as ours couldn’t justify it. That check from Axelrod bouncing didn’t help any, either.”

“Still,” continued Jagland, “we just couldn’t stand the thought of America’s President, weeping, snot-nosed, and tremble-lipped again like he was after the 2016 Olympics went to Rio instead of Chicago. And he DID try ever so hard. It’s not really his fault that he’s, you know, slower than the other world leaders. We thought we should at least give him something that kinda says ‘you’re not smart, but we love your big heart.'”

As a reward for his vigorous yet fruitless efforts, America’s President will receive a hand-crayoned “GOOD JOB!” certificate with an as-yet-to-be-determined number of gold stars and/or smiley faces, suitable for sticking to the White House refrigerator with little fruit-shaped magnets.

“We don’t give this award out to just anybody,” said Nobel committee member Gunnar Stålsett. “For example, intelligent people who actually further human knowledge in useful scientific fields aren’t eligible. However, we believe that young folks with good intentions but poor mental faculties are just as deserving of recognition as some brainiac science-dork. It’s like when your child draws all over the walls with magic marker. You don’t yell at the poor, dim-witted thing. You say ‘Such pretty colors! You are so talented!’. Then you pat him on the head, give him a cookie and send him out to play, just bursting with self-esteem. Plenty of time to clean up the mess later. The important thing is he’s happy and feels good about himself.”

Although now technically out of the running for the Nobel Peace Prize, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said at this morning’s press briefing that the President was still a “strong contender” for both “The Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence,” and “Employee of the Month,” adding that Mr. Obama “expects to be dining on ham and plaques any day now.”

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UPDATE: Linked at Be John Galt

UPDATE: Linked by Red White Blue News

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Obama Issues Executive Order Granting Amnesty to Colorado Wildfires

COLORADO SPRINGS (AP) – After stopping in Colorado to tour the sites where firefighters had been working around the clock to prevent the fires from spreading, President Obama held a press conference calling a halt to the efforts by Executive Order, declaring that the fires were “just as American as you and I, and they have a right to stay here.”

Surprisingly, the administration’s “virtual border fence” plan has failed to keep these blazes in check

“These fires came to our country with a dream,” said Obama. “A dream of a better life. A life of plenty. Of vast expanses of combustible wood far beyond the hopes of burning held by their brethren condemned to short brutal lives by oppressors who held them in campfire enclosures or at the tips of cigarettes. They longed for the right to travel freely throughout this state and this nation. Today they exercise this right, but are threatened by those who seek to eliminate them. I declare today that I will protect their right to flame freely throughout this country, burning the things Americans aren’t willing to burn, like their homes and families.”

Attorney General Eric Holder agreed that the federal agency responsible for controlling the number of fires in the United States, Ignition and Combustion Enforcement (ICE), would hereafter “prioritize” enforcement of laws against what right-wing critics call “illegal immolants”.

“First of all,” said Holder, “it’s racist to call these fires ‘illegal’. They’re ‘unextinguished Combustion-Americans’. Second, we simply don’t have the manpower to control who burns what where all the time. The DoJ is stretched pretty thin right now, trying to keep the Florida authorities from discriminating against Deceased-Americans by kicking them off the voter registration rolls.”

“Besides,” added Holder with a sly wink, “we need a few good infernos to help dispose of some ‘executive privilege’, if you know what I mean.”

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Pelosi Calls for Animal Sacrifices to Secure Obama Reelection

WASHINGTON (AP) – House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi credited the Supreme Court’s upholding of Obamacare’s individual mandate to the late Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy’s angelic intervention, saying, “I knew that when he left us he would go to heaven and help pass the bill.” Pelosi then encouraged people to “use whatever wacky religious beliefs they had” to help get President Obama reelected.

Vodoo Chicken Says “Obama 2012!”

“I figure,” said Pelosi, “that if a greedy, gluttonous, lusty, slothful, adulterous murderer can sit at God’s right hand and pull invisible strings instead of doing the 9-circles-tour, maybe some other crazy schemes might help support Obama, too. I think Mexicans like chicken sacrifices, and since Obama just gave a million of ’em a free pass, Foghorn Leghorn should lose his melon for the greater good.”

Former Obama adviser and current Democrat candidate for Senate in Massachusetts Elizabeth Warren said she supported Pelosi’s “Voodoo the Vote” initiative.

“Being 1/32 Cherokee,” said the blond-haired, blue-eyed, high-cheekboned Native American, “I have great faith in my people’s ability to propitiate angry gods and win their blessings. Last month, I was moccasining around my teepee doing a raindance, and now half the country is plagued by drought, record high temperatures, and wildfires. Turned out I was doing the dance backwards.”

“Hey, I said I AM Cherokee. Never said I could read instructions written in it,” Warren said petulantly.

Although admitting to some skepticism over the program, corrupt and censured Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel offered his support as well.

“Yeah, the chicken thing might work,” said Rangel. “But they need to do it right. I hear the best way to kill a chicken when trying to appease mighty spirit forces is to seal it up in a cardboard box until it suffocates.”

“But we should not let the perfect become the enemy of the good,” said Rangel solemnly. “If you don’t have a chicken, then suffocate the cash equivalent of a chicken in a cardboard box. Then address the box of suffocated cash to me and drop it in a mailbox. I’ll see that it gets a decent burial.”

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UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed

UPDATE: Linked by Democrats United

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Protesters Dump Soda in New York Harbor

NEW YORK CITY (AP) – In an unexpected show of defiance against New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposed ban on the sale of sugary drinks in quantities over 16 ounces, thousands of protesters dumped soda into New York Harbor today, leading to hundreds of arrests.

“You can have my Big Gulp when you pry it from my cold, dead, sausage-fingered hands!”

Carrying signs with slogans such as “no limitation on my carbonation,” a throng of furious and mostly overweight demostrators gathered on the city’s docks to hurl the contents of half-gallon convenience-store cups into the Atlantic, carelessly threatening endangered fish with obesity and diabetes.

Mayor Bloomberg’s office was quick to issue a call for a show of reason and order from New York’s agitated and corpulent masses.

“We’re not taking away anybody’s right to do things,” Bloomberg said in defense of his draconian and poorly calculated cup-size restriction, “we’re simply forcing you to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to go from one cup to another cup. It’s not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only cause of people being overweight – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn you when things are not good for your health.”

Possibly harkening back to the original “Boston Tea Party” protest of 1773, many of the participants disguised themselves as Indians. Later investigation, however, showed that there were just a lot of 7-11 and Dunkin’ Donuts franchise owners present.

One pudgy protester said that, although he really hated to waste perfectly good soda, he felt compelled to express his displeasure at the Mayor’s plan through peaceful methods, although he did not rule out the possible use of more extreme measures in the future.

“We’re not taking away the Mayor’s right to pass laws,” he said, “we’re simply forcing him to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to screw with people’s freedom. This protest is not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only way to battle nanny-state tyranny – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn Mayor Bloomberg when he does things that are not good for his health.”

“If you know what I mean,” he added with a somber wink.

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UPDATE: Linked by Manhattan Libertarian Party

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What It’s Really Like to Be an Obama Intern

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a new video released by the Obama campaign, several campaign interns revealed what it’s like to be part of the historic push to make Barack Obama America’s first black reelected president.

As a reward for her hard work, President Obama personally teaches ‘Katie’ how to fake-smile for photo-ops – better work on that faux-sincere eye-crinkle, ‘Katie’!

“When I first found out I was going to be an intern here at OFA [Obama for America],” said ‘Katie’, “it was just an honor to know that I was going to be working for the President. Turns out you can’t spend honor. I’m so hungry. Can I have part of your lunch?”

Finance Intern ‘Rafi’ said, “Even though you have ‘intern’ on your name tag, you’re a lot more than that. You’re actually part janitor, part gofer, and part barista. Also, when your internship is complete, you get promoted to 1/32 Cherokee.”

Operation Vote Intern ‘Jaha’ opined, “You’re really part of a cause that is larger than yourself, and I feel like that every day I come here. Kinda like Occupy Wall Street, except with less pepper-spray in the ol’ peepers. Well… MOST days.”

‘Rafi’ chimed in again, “You are so valued by the team here, and given real responsibility. Just the other day, I was personally selected to empty Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s drool cup. Sounds gross, I know, but at least it’s easier than running Biden’s anti-gaffe shock-collar. Man! Your finger’s just DEAD the next day!”

“I’ve had a lot of internships,” added ‘Katie’ enthusiastically, “but nothing has ever been like this. We really are one big family. Just like the Mansons!”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Les of Brick Moon contributed to this article.]

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UPDATE: Linked by Top Conservative Blogs

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