Vice President Biden to Skip Democrat Convention

(a guest post from T-dog [High Praise!])

WASHINGTON (AP) – With the growing list of Democrats not attending the convention this year, there is one more name to add to the list: Vice President Joe Biden. When asked why he wouldn’t be attending he responded, “Are you effing kidding me? This guy is a train wreck and I don’t want to be associated with him.”

“Sure beats a convention. Wheeeeeeee!

“There is a growing reality among many people in the nation, but especially among Democrats, that President Obama is grossly under-qualified to be the leader of the less and less free world,” Vice President Biden stated. “Just because I said he was a good looking, articulate black guy doesn’t mean I thought he was qualified to be president.”

In response to these statements, the Department of Homeland Security issued the following statement: “Due to the recent remarks by Vice President Biden, we have put him on the terrorist watch list. Such statements about the President of the United States should not be tolerated and are extremely racist. They are incendiary and inflammatory and the marks of a right-wing extremist.”

President Obama was not available for comment as he was golfing, away from his handicap. Attempts were made to reach Vice President after he was listed as a right-wing extremist, but he was unavailable for comment as his rainbow colored pinwheel had just arrived.

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Obama to Receive Nobel Participant Prize for Trying Real Hard

OSLO (AP) – Just days after President Obama told a reporter for WLWT-TV in Ohio “that most people in Cincinnati would acknowledge that I’ve tried real hard,” the international community did just exactly that very thing. The Nobel Committee announced today that President Obama would be the recipient of the Nobel Participant Prize.

YAY! I winned real good!

“We really wanted to give him the Peace Prize again,” said Committee Chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “but between drone strikes, Gitmo still being open, and the whole ‘chucking bin Laden into the sea’ thing, even an organization as nefariously corrupt as ours couldn’t justify it. That check from Axelrod bouncing didn’t help any, either.”

“Still,” continued Jagland, “we just couldn’t stand the thought of America’s President, weeping, snot-nosed, and tremble-lipped again like he was after the 2016 Olympics went to Rio instead of Chicago. And he DID try ever so hard. It’s not really his fault that he’s, you know, slower than the other world leaders. We thought we should at least give him something that kinda says ‘you’re not smart, but we love your big heart.'”

As a reward for his vigorous yet fruitless efforts, America’s President will receive a hand-crayoned “GOOD JOB!” certificate with an as-yet-to-be-determined number of gold stars and/or smiley faces, suitable for sticking to the White House refrigerator with little fruit-shaped magnets.

“We don’t give this award out to just anybody,” said Nobel committee member Gunnar Stålsett. “For example, intelligent people who actually further human knowledge in useful scientific fields aren’t eligible. However, we believe that young folks with good intentions but poor mental faculties are just as deserving of recognition as some brainiac science-dork. It’s like when your child draws all over the walls with magic marker. You don’t yell at the poor, dim-witted thing. You say ‘Such pretty colors! You are so talented!’. Then you pat him on the head, give him a cookie and send him out to play, just bursting with self-esteem. Plenty of time to clean up the mess later. The important thing is he’s happy and feels good about himself.”

Although now technically out of the running for the Nobel Peace Prize, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said at this morning’s press briefing that the President was still a “strong contender” for both “The Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence,” and “Employee of the Month,” adding that Mr. Obama “expects to be dining on ham and plaques any day now.”


UPDATE: Linked at Be John Galt

UPDATE: Linked by Red White Blue News

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Obama Issues Executive Order Granting Amnesty to Colorado Wildfires

COLORADO SPRINGS (AP) – After stopping in Colorado to tour the sites where firefighters had been working around the clock to prevent the fires from spreading, President Obama held a press conference calling a halt to the efforts by Executive Order, declaring that the fires were “just as American as you and I, and they have a right to stay here.”

Surprisingly, the administration’s “virtual border fence” plan has failed to keep these blazes in check

“These fires came to our country with a dream,” said Obama. “A dream of a better life. A life of plenty. Of vast expanses of combustible wood far beyond the hopes of burning held by their brethren condemned to short brutal lives by oppressors who held them in campfire enclosures or at the tips of cigarettes. They longed for the right to travel freely throughout this state and this nation. Today they exercise this right, but are threatened by those who seek to eliminate them. I declare today that I will protect their right to flame freely throughout this country, burning the things Americans aren’t willing to burn, like their homes and families.”

Attorney General Eric Holder agreed that the federal agency responsible for controlling the number of fires in the United States, Ignition and Combustion Enforcement (ICE), would hereafter “prioritize” enforcement of laws against what right-wing critics call “illegal immolants”.

“First of all,” said Holder, “it’s racist to call these fires ‘illegal’. They’re ‘unextinguished Combustion-Americans’. Second, we simply don’t have the manpower to control who burns what where all the time. The DoJ is stretched pretty thin right now, trying to keep the Florida authorities from discriminating against Deceased-Americans by kicking them off the voter registration rolls.”

“Besides,” added Holder with a sly wink, “we need a few good infernos to help dispose of some ‘executive privilege’, if you know what I mean.”

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Pelosi Calls for Animal Sacrifices to Secure Obama Reelection

WASHINGTON (AP) – House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi credited the Supreme Court’s upholding of Obamacare’s individual mandate to the late Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy’s angelic intervention, saying, “I knew that when he left us he would go to heaven and help pass the bill.” Pelosi then encouraged people to “use whatever wacky religious beliefs they had” to help get President Obama reelected.

Vodoo Chicken Says “Obama 2012!”

“I figure,” said Pelosi, “that if a greedy, gluttonous, lusty, slothful, adulterous murderer can sit at God’s right hand and pull invisible strings instead of doing the 9-circles-tour, maybe some other crazy schemes might help support Obama, too. I think Mexicans like chicken sacrifices, and since Obama just gave a million of ’em a free pass, Foghorn Leghorn should lose his melon for the greater good.”

Former Obama adviser and current Democrat candidate for Senate in Massachusetts Elizabeth Warren said she supported Pelosi’s “Voodoo the Vote” initiative.

“Being 1/32 Cherokee,” said the blond-haired, blue-eyed, high-cheekboned Native American, “I have great faith in my people’s ability to propitiate angry gods and win their blessings. Last month, I was moccasining around my teepee doing a raindance, and now half the country is plagued by drought, record high temperatures, and wildfires. Turned out I was doing the dance backwards.”

“Hey, I said I AM Cherokee. Never said I could read instructions written in it,” Warren said petulantly.

Although admitting to some skepticism over the program, corrupt and censured Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel offered his support as well.

“Yeah, the chicken thing might work,” said Rangel. “But they need to do it right. I hear the best way to kill a chicken when trying to appease mighty spirit forces is to seal it up in a cardboard box until it suffocates.”

“But we should not let the perfect become the enemy of the good,” said Rangel solemnly. “If you don’t have a chicken, then suffocate the cash equivalent of a chicken in a cardboard box. Then address the box of suffocated cash to me and drop it in a mailbox. I’ll see that it gets a decent burial.”


UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed

UPDATE: Linked by Democrats United

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Protesters Dump Soda in New York Harbor

NEW YORK CITY (AP) – In an unexpected show of defiance against New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposed ban on the sale of sugary drinks in quantities over 16 ounces, thousands of protesters dumped soda into New York Harbor today, leading to hundreds of arrests.

“You can have my Big Gulp when you pry it from my cold, dead, sausage-fingered hands!”

Carrying signs with slogans such as “no limitation on my carbonation,” a throng of furious and mostly overweight demostrators gathered on the city’s docks to hurl the contents of half-gallon convenience-store cups into the Atlantic, carelessly threatening endangered fish with obesity and diabetes.

Mayor Bloomberg’s office was quick to issue a call for a show of reason and order from New York’s agitated and corpulent masses.

“We’re not taking away anybody’s right to do things,” Bloomberg said in defense of his draconian and poorly calculated cup-size restriction, “we’re simply forcing you to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to go from one cup to another cup. It’s not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only cause of people being overweight – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn you when things are not good for your health.”

Possibly harkening back to the original “Boston Tea Party” protest of 1773, many of the participants disguised themselves as Indians. Later investigation, however, showed that there were just a lot of 7-11 and Dunkin’ Donuts franchise owners present.

One pudgy protester said that, although he really hated to waste perfectly good soda, he felt compelled to express his displeasure at the Mayor’s plan through peaceful methods, although he did not rule out the possible use of more extreme measures in the future.

“We’re not taking away the Mayor’s right to pass laws,” he said, “we’re simply forcing him to understand that you have to make the conscious decision to screw with people’s freedom. This protest is not perfect, it’s not the only answer, it’s not the only way to battle nanny-state tyranny – but we’ve got to do something. We have an obligation to warn Mayor Bloomberg when he does things that are not good for his health.”

“If you know what I mean,” he added with a somber wink.


UPDATE: Linked by Manhattan Libertarian Party

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What It’s Really Like to Be an Obama Intern

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a new video released by the Obama campaign, several campaign interns revealed what it’s like to be part of the historic push to make Barack Obama America’s first black reelected president.

As a reward for her hard work, President Obama personally teaches ‘Katie’ how to fake-smile for photo-ops – better work on that faux-sincere eye-crinkle, ‘Katie’!

“When I first found out I was going to be an intern here at OFA [Obama for America],” said ‘Katie’, “it was just an honor to know that I was going to be working for the President. Turns out you can’t spend honor. I’m so hungry. Can I have part of your lunch?”

Finance Intern ‘Rafi’ said, “Even though you have ‘intern’ on your name tag, you’re a lot more than that. You’re actually part janitor, part gofer, and part barista. Also, when your internship is complete, you get promoted to 1/32 Cherokee.”

Operation Vote Intern ‘Jaha’ opined, “You’re really part of a cause that is larger than yourself, and I feel like that every day I come here. Kinda like Occupy Wall Street, except with less pepper-spray in the ol’ peepers. Well… MOST days.”

‘Rafi’ chimed in again, “You are so valued by the team here, and given real responsibility. Just the other day, I was personally selected to empty Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s drool cup. Sounds gross, I know, but at least it’s easier than running Biden’s anti-gaffe shock-collar. Man! Your finger’s just DEAD the next day!”

“I’ve had a lot of internships,” added ‘Katie’ enthusiastically, “but nothing has ever been like this. We really are one big family. Just like the Mansons!”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Les of Brick Moon contributed to this article.]


UPDATE: Linked by Top Conservative Blogs

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I Understand Obama Was Gravely Disappointed After Opening This Up

[pic via Winning at Everything – and yes, this is a real thing]

As Obama tweeted:

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Democrats Accuse GOP of Voter Rights Violations in Wisconsin

MILWAUKEE (AP) – As voting proceeds in the contentious Wisconsin recall elections, members of the Milwaukee Democratic Party claim that Republican “poll watchers” are interfering with dead people’s right to vote.

Milwaukee County Dem Chair Sachin Chheda said that Walker supporters can’t get through the day without “cheating.”

“Why you no let me vote? Also, BRAAAAAAAAINSSSS!”

“This latest lowlife sleaze comes on the heels of countless reports from around the state of various Republican dirty tricks on behalf of Walker,” Chheda said in a statement. “For instance, reports surfaced last weekend that Walker supporters are paying gravediggers to post Walker signs on fresh plots.”

“Even worse,” Chheda continued, “there are numerous accounts of so-called Republican ‘poll-watchers’ refusing to allow people to vote simply because they happened to be Metabolically-Challenged. That sort of blatant discrimination is simply unacceptable in a city less than 100 miles from Chicago, the birthplace of the Deceased-American Rights movement.”

“Besides,” concluded Chheda, “a lot of these voters aren’t really ‘dead-dead’. We have a large Norwegian population in this area, and many of them are simply pining for the fjords.”

A state GOP source dismissed the accusations, saying it was expected from Democrats who have made voter suppression claims part of their playbook.

“That’s just what they do, they’re simply setting the stage for a close election,” the source said. “The story doesn’t exist until they provide evidence. My grandmother’s been dead for 20 years, and she voted just fine. Although she voted for Joe McCarthy. Seems her dirt nap didn’t help her senility any.”

“Also,” continued the source, “These voters are NOT pining! They’ve passed on! These voters are no more! They have ceased to be! They’ve expired and gone to meet their maker! They’re stiffs! Bereft of life! They rest in peace! If Democrats hadn’t dragged them to the voting booth, they’d be pushing up the daisies! Their metabolic processes are now history! They’re off the twig! They’ve kicked the bucket, they’ve shuffled off their mortal coils, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!

“These,” concluded the source angrily, “ARE EX-VOTERS!”

Meanwhile, State Sen. Lena Taylor, D-Milwaukee, sent a letter to Government Accountability Board Director Kevin Kennedy asking for an investigation into the alleged suppressive activities, explaining that the Republicans “most likely stunned the voters just as they were waking up.”

“Norwegians stun easily,” said Taylor, “everybody knows that.”

[Ace IMAO Reporter Larsinkima [High Praise!] contributed to this story.]

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Vial of Reagan’s Blood Purchased by Blogger to Create Clone Army

LONDON (AP) – A Channel Islands auction house said that it has sold a vial allegedly containing a blood sample from Ronald Reagan to a right wing blogger in Idaho who claims he intends to use it to create “an unstoppable army of Reagan clones.”

Just some of the millions of Reagans who will soon battle tirelessly to defeat communism and punch hippies.

The blogger, known on the internet by the obviously fake name “Frank J”, said it was all part of his plan to “Keep America Awesome.”

“I’ve done a lot to serve my country in the past,” said Frank. “Mostly by having a brother who’s a Marine. But also by launching various intricate schemes to defeat those who would put limits on the awesomeness of this great nation. Not just degenerate foreigners, but other smelly things, like monkeys & hippies.”

“Unfortunately, my plans don’t always quite work as well as I hope,” Frank said. “Like my S.M.I.T.E. space laser platform that hit the Navy SEAL stealth helicopter instead of bin Laden’s dialysis machine. Or that incident with my “Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers” plan, the debacle of which was chronicled in the documentary, ‘Jurassic Park.'”

Despite his previous “minor setbacks” the “crazy, but not dangerous” right-wing humor blogger insisted that his “Reagan Clone Army” idea was “foolproof.”

“I’ve spent a lot of time study the flaws of previous historical attempts to create clone armies,” said Frank, a look of grim determination crossing his face. “I’ve eliminated all possible obstacles to success. There will be no CGI hairless rabbits with Jamaican accents, no shadowy Senators who enjoy cross-dressing in hooded bathrobes, and most importantly, the thermal exhaust ports on my planet-destroying space stations will all be smaller than womp rats.”

Ace IMAO Reporter silaS marreD [High Praise!] contributed to this story.

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Obama: I Take Pride in My Gay Heritage

WASHINGTON (AP) – After a Newsweek article declared President Obama to be “the first gay President”, Barack Obama admitted that, although not gay himself, he did have a great-great-great-grandfather who was gay, and said that he’s proud of where he came from.

Really enjoys the first 4 minutes of every musical.

“You know, I’m proud of my gay heritage,” Obama said during an interview on CNN. “I’m proud of my family. People have looked into my college records, my law school records, every job I’ve ever had, and if they had been able to find those records, and if I’d ever held a job, they would’ve seen that I’ve succeded because I do my work. I work hard. Being a Fractionally Homosexual-American had nothing to do with it.”

“Although I’m certainly entitled to numerous perks & privileges due to my status as 1/32 gay,” continued the President,” I’ve gotten as far as I have only because of my own merits.”

“I’m extremely proud of the fact that I was elected the first barely-measurably gay president of the Harvard Law Review,” said Obama. “Most people think that I was elected because I was black, and – because I filled a color-quota – got away with never actually writing anything longer than a shopping list, while I frittered my days away chasing composite women – who totally existed. But because of my infinitesimal portion of fifth-hand gayness, I had to work hard all the time by occasionally introducing Critical Race Theorists at protest rallies.”

But despite the President’s well-justified unblushing admiration of his remotely ancestral leaning-toward-the-lavender, he insisted that the whole issue was a “political distraction” cooked up by his Republican opponent.

“What really matters to hard-working, middle-class Americans,” concluded the President, “is whether, while working at Bain Capital, Mitt Romney committed acts of vampirism. Did he sparkle? Did he climb trees really fast while seducing teenage girls? The voting public needs answers.”

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Obama Hires “Hooker-Proof” Secret Service Agents

RENO (AP) – During a campaign stop in Reno, Nevada, President Obama announced that from now on, the Secret Service would only hire sexless, elderly couples to protect the President. The move comes in response a recent scandal involving young, stud-muffinly, male Secret Service agents paying women for sex during a Presidential visit to Colombia.

Newly-hired Secret Service agents, their fleshly passions fully withered, focus on the President’s safety.

The latest hires, Fred and Ethel Mertz of Reno, Nevada, have been married for 45 years, and last engaged in an act of physical intimacy in 1990.

“Well,” said Fred, “the ol’ Johnson stopped working after the heart attack, and the doc says my ticker ain’t strong enough to handle the blue pills. But it’s been so long I don’t really miss it, anyway. But on the bright side, my complete lack of libido allows me to fully concentrate on protecting the Commander-in-Chief from wild-eyed crazies what mean to do him harm.”

“I’ll jump in front of the man to take a bullet, although it might take me a bit to get there. Too many years of too much pasta,” said Fred with a grin, affectionately rubbing his paunch.

“Honestly, I never much cared for bedroom antics anyway,” said Ethel, “and I was actually relieved when Fred stopped pestering me. I’ve got my knitting to keep me busy, and if anyone so much as looks at the President wrong, I’ll jab both needles straight into his peepers.”

“Assuming he doesn’t run away,” added Ethel thoughtfully. “My hip pains me some on damp days, and I’m not as spry as I used to be.”


UPDATE: Linked by The Jawa Report

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Hollywood Green Lights “Aquaman: The Wet Knight”

HOLLYWOOD (AP) – With the record-breaking box-office success of “The Avengers,” Time Warner Studios is hoping to bounce back from its disappointing “Green Lantern” entry into the superhero-movie genre with a new film designed to give a dark, gritty reboot to DC Comics’ “Aquaman”.

If it can’t be solved by talking to fish, it can’t be solved.

Time Warner spokesman Eric Mangan enthusiastically explained the studios’ vision.

“Most people only know Aquaman from the horrid 70’s ‘SuperFriends‘ cartoons, said Mangan, “and they tend to remember him as some loser in green tights who was so lame that he was frequently upstaged by Wendy, Marvin, and WonderDog. Still, other than being completely helpless on land, he was actually stronger than Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman combined. At least in the area of piscine communication skills.”

With few people – even Aquaman’s biggest fans (assuming he has any) – knowing or caring anything about America’s most bedampened superhero, studio execs felt they had the advantage of having a completely blank slate as far as creating a compelling backstory for the watery wonder.

“We’ve already hired the country’s foremost Aquaman expert, Frank Fleming, to spearhead the script-writing process,” said Mangan. “This thing is going to be box office gold. GOLD, I say!”

Speaking from his secluded mountain shack in darkest Idaho, Fleming could hardly contain his excitement.

“Yeah, I’ve made up stuff about Aquaman before,” said Fleming, “so I’m pretty sure I can do it again. You know, except all dark & gritty instead of him being a wimpy, fish-talking fruitcake. I’ll probably start off with vignettes of him getting beat up by his enemies, like a maple leaf, bedbugs, and high gas prices, just to give him the bitterness and anger that drives all dark & gritty superheroes.”

“I’m not sure who I’ll show him battling successfully at the end, yet,” Fleming admitted, “but I’m currently toying with some sort of epic final confrontation with Barack Obama at an algae biofuel plant where he dramatically reveals that they aren’t really using high-energy plankton – sorta like the end of ‘Soylent Green’.”

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EPA Apologizes for Threatening to Crucify Oil Companies

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Obama-appointed Environmental Protection Agency official who explained that the agency uses a “crucify them” enforcement philosophy against oil and gas companies apologized for his comments on Wednesday night.

“All we ask is a simple offering of earth and water as a token of your submission, or our arrows will blot out the sun.”

“I apologize to those I have offended and regret my poor choice of words,” said Region 6 EPA Administrator Al Armendariz during a press conference. “Although I WAS historically correct about the Romans crucifying people at random to subjugate the conquered – which would make it a perfectly appropriate weapon for the EPA’s regulatory arsenal.”

“However, I’ve since been informed that ‘crucifixion’ is a term frequently associated with Christianity, and because this administration wishes to avoid the appearance of unconstitutionally conflating church and state, I withdraw the remark.”

“Obviously,” continued Armendariz, “I was just trying to say that the EPA intends only to enforce its own brand of bureaucratic justice, brooking not the least whisper of rebellion from the broken and defeated blackguards of the ‘free-marketeer’ persuasion. There will be no ‘exploration’. There will be no ‘profits’. There are only taxes and obedience. We will violate their women, burn their buildings, feed their dogs to our President, and sow salt upon their land, that it may lay scarred and desolate for all of eternity.”

“So,” concluded Armendariz, “I apologize if the ‘crucifixion’ thing offended any Muslims.”

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Obama: Eating Dogs Was How America Was Built

ELYRIA, OHIO (AP) – At a campaign fundraising event, President Barack Obama accused his Republican rivals of trying to restrict America’s dietary choices instead of promoting the consumption of dog meat to help the middle class. Obama said those Republicans “don’t seem to remember how America was built.”

“Free the slaves! Fricassee the Shih Tzus!

“History records,” intoned Obama, “that when the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth rock, the friendly, peaceful natives were there to shower them with gifts of Schnauzer steaks and corned Collie. During the toughest hours at Valley Forge, our brave revolutionary soldiers ate the toughest meat – which, of course, is dog – to give them the strength to defeat the weak and crumpet-munching British.”

“Benjamin Franklin himself,” the President reminded his audience, “is famous for coining the aphorism ‘a poodle seared is a poodle burned,’ reminding a young nation that we must remain diligently watchful of our most precious gifts, like liberty and Lhasa Apsos.”

“When Abraham Lincoln built the intercontinental railroad during the middle of the Civil War, what do you think he fed the thousands of Chinese workers? That’s right – cat. But the millions of undocumented Mexicans who helped were definitely chomping Chihuahua.”

In a press release, Republican presidential front-runner Mitt Romney’s campaign derided the president’s statement as “historically ignorant.”

“The President is engaging in the worst sort of liberal revisionism. As our founding documents so eloquently disclaim, ‘no dogs were harmed in the making of these Free and Independent States.'”


[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

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Conspiracy Theorists Demand Obama Produce Birth Spoon

ELYRIA, OHIO (AP) – Following President Barack Obama taking a not-too-subtle swipe at his Republican opponent, Mitt Romney, by declaring: “I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth,” conspiracy theorists have begun demanding that Obama produce his birth spoon to prove his claim.

Titanium spork birth utensil image released by White House – photo credit:

The head of the “spooner” movement, Rielle “Lunar” Tich, said that she doesn’t necessarily doubt the President’s claim, she just wants to see the evidence herself.

“He says it wasn’t a ‘silver spoon‘. Fine… then what WAS it? Was it stainless steel? Was it plastic? Was it actually a fork? I mean, there are a LOT of questions here, and Obama is clearly stonewalling by refusing to release his actual, original birth utensil.”

Although the Obama administration quickly responded to the allegations by releasing a small, grainy image of the eating equipment alleged to have been originally stuffed in the infant Obama’s oral cavity upon uterine explusion, many remain unconvinced.

“Look closely at the White House’s ‘official’ image, and you’ll notice how the two middle tines extend outward past the curve of the spoon-bowl’s natural arc,” said Tich. “This is clearly a fake.”

“The truth is that the original is locked up in a kitchen drawer in Hawaii somewhere, and Obama will neither release it, nor grant permission for it to be viewed by the general public. Although the Governor of Hawaii CLAIMS he’s seen it with his own eyes, he later recanted with the feeble excuse that the drawer was ‘stuck because of a wedged spatula’ and he ‘only caught of glimpse’ of the original.”

Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney’s campaign refused to comment directly on the infant implement imbroglio, saying only that “it’s time for America to focus on important things like jobs and the economy, and stop being distracted by when what was crammed into which of the President’s orifices, and whether it was full of dog meat at the time.”

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