WASHINGTON (AP) – In response to reports of deaths and widespread property damage allegedly caused by so-called “wildfires” in California, President Obama said that he wanted to the let the more moderate and peace-loving flames know that “America is willing to negotiate without pre-conditions”.

Flames – why do they heat us?

“First,” said Obama, “let’s dispense with the reckless, insulting terminology of the previous administration. There is no ‘war on fire‘. There is only a ‘California Contingency Operation‘. While we still seek the defeat of the radical combustionist faction, Al Qindle, we also believe that we can seek common ground with other, less conflagrationist elements on a reasonable degree of self-sustaining oxidation that all sides can agree to.”

During an recent interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed Obama’s call for peace as “the pussified wee-wee-uppings of a limp-wristed man-girl” and defended the Bush administration’s use of “enhanced extinguishing techniques”, saying that “if you pour a little water on these burning bastards, they’ll give it up faster than a drunken cheerleader on prom night.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed Cheney’s criticism as “the senile ramblings of a skin-scalped goblin whose hobbies include shooting his friends in the face for fun”, and insisted that any criticism of the President’s position indicated racial bias.

“These radical right-wing ‘fire-haters’ are disparaging areas of our country where a lot of things are now black. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out why they REALLY hate that part of the country.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a bizarre, rambling internet video, former Cuban President Fidel Castro implored the “extreme right” to stop their constant attacks on American President Barack Obama.

“You’re lucky he even bothers staging town halls for you bastards!”

“How dare anyone out there make fun of Barack after all he’s been through!” wailed a tearful Castro, filming himself beneath a blanket, “His poll numbers are slipping! Fox News won’t even carry his press conferences. He had two kids and his wife turned out to be a political liability who feeds the homeless while wearing $500 sneakers. All you crazy racist right wingers care about is voters and scoring cheap political points off him! He’s a human! What you don’t realize is that Barack’s making the Democrat party a laughing stock and all you do is make a bunch of Joker Socialism posters about him!”

When asked later about his unhinged rantings, a more sedate Castro sheepishly explained that he’d just gotten carried away.

“Look,” he said, “I only meant to say that the extreme right hates him for being African-American. But then I started thinking about the how the racist right will do everything possible to wear him down, the tears flowed, my mascara dripped… not my most Presidential moment. Still, 26 million views on YouTube – TOTALLY worth it!”

Although some pundits speculate that the whole video was staged & scripted to draw attention to a lonely old dictator/attention-whore, Castro reaffirmed that he was deadly serious about defending the American President.

“Leave Barack Obama alone right NOW! I mean it! Anyone who has a problem with him, you deal with ME! Because he’s not doing well getting that bucket off his head.”

PHOENIX (AP) — A man carrying a copy of the US Constitution was arrested while demonstrating outside President Obama’s speech to veterans on Monday.

Hater with hateful hate speech

Although Arizona law currently allows citizens to openly carry a Constitution for purposes of self-defense against tyrants and despots, such laws are usurped in the presence of the President.

“A venue is considered a federal site when the Secret Service is protecting the president and federal law applies on a federal site,” said Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan.

Because the Constitution contains language “limiting” the powers of President – and was also written by slave-owners who considered blacks to be “three-fifths” of a person and not eligible for the office of the Presidency – the document is not protected as “free speech”. Instead, it’s covered under federal hate speech laws if one is brought within 1000 feet of President Obama.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the incident was being taken “very seriously” and that the FBI was considering further action.

“The US Constitution is a violent and revolutionary document, directly responsible for at least two wars in this nation,” said Gibbs. “Insurrectionist chatter like that may require us to consider charges of treason. We’re currently investigating the possibility, which will take some time, since no one in this administration has ever actually examined the document in question.”

“Free speech is not an absolute,” explained FBI spokesman John Miller. “You can’t yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater. Waving a Constitution around is essentially yelling ‘freedom!’ at a crowded Obama rally. We consider this sort of offensive language a direct threat to civil order in general and the President in particular, and it will not be tolerated.”

WASHINGTON (AP) – President Barack Obama announced that he would buy two TV sets from a 78-year-old Iowa woman who is selling them because she “just got tired of watching him on every channel”.

“Me is so awesome!”

Deloris Nissen, a retired nurses’ aide, said she could live with seeing Obama come on television to make serious announcements, but he seems to be on all the time. When the president does appear on a channel she happens to be watching, Nissen said, she quickly changes channels.

“I have the remote real handy,” Nissen said. “I have the batteries. I’m ready for him.”

Although pleased at the chance to stimulate the economy by buying the televisions, President Obama expressed confusion at Nissen’s stated reason for selling.

“How could anyone be tired of seeing me on TV?” said Obama, “I know I’m not. I can’t get enough of me. In fact, right now, I’m headed off to the Mirror Room so that I can see me everywhere I look. By the way, can you hook that camera into that monitor over there? I want to see me doing this interview.”

Obama said the televisions are exactly what he needs to complete the “Walk of Me”, his name for the series of TV’s that stretches from one end of the White House to the other.

“My goal is to eventually be able to see my glorious visage beaming from a screen no matter where I am,” said the President. “Right now, I could really use one outside the window of the Oval Office. Every once in a while I have to do a photo-op where I’m gazing thoughtfully out the window, and those few minutes when I can’t see a clip of me running on CNN or MSNBC are pure agony. It’s moments like those that make me wonder why I ever took this job.”

“I also still need one in the Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet,” Obama added, “just in case I ever stop feeling too skeeved out to actually go in there.”

Sebastopol, California (AP) – Sebastopol police officials are defending themselves against charges of profiling following the arrest of a juvenile at a Little League facility.

Police Chief Jeffrey Weaver said officers acted appropriately in responding to reports of a break-in at the downtown facility. However, attorneys for the juvenile said the police overreacted and used profiling tactics, citing the youth’s clothing, including the gang colors similar to the Latin Kings gang, as well as the sideways wearing of his cap.
(more…)

TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras (AP) — The foreign relations minister in Honduras’ interim government says he has sent a letter to Barack Obama apologizing for a comment he made about the U.S. president.

“Little black man?” Two out of three ain’t bad.

Enrique Ortez says the letter expresses “his most profound apologies” for “an unfortunate comment.”

In a TV interview, Ortez said Obama “is a little black man who doesn’t know where Tegucigalpa is located.”

Ortez says the remark, made before he was named to the post, was not meant to offend anyone.

“I really didn’t mean to imply that Obama was a man,” said Ortez. “But keep in mind that this was said before the frumpy mom-jeans and the girly pitch at the All-Star game. I offer my most profound apologies to the little black woman for my unfortunate comment. I promise never again to insinuate that she pees standing up.”

Ortez also read a statement in Spanish from U.S. Ambassador Hugo Llorens that said: “I express my profound indignation for the unfortunate, disrespectful and gender-insensitive comments made about President Barack Obama, the first little black woman elected to America’s highest office.”

JUNEAU (AP) – After CNN reporter Rick Sanchez questioned whether Sarah Palin’s decision to resign as Governor of Alaska came about because she was pregnant, Palin held a press conference of her own to wonder whether Rick Sanchez was a journalist.

Guilty of disseminating fact-based informational summaries through televised media?

“There might be a couple of other situations that might cause someone to broadcast idle speculation on a national television program,” said Palin. “He might be a sleazy tabloid paparazzi, he might be a conscienceless DNC shill with a black and shriveled soul, or maybe he’s just a sterno-swilling homeless person who has long since lost the fight against the insane and angry voices in his head. But aside from those, is there anything going on with him that perhaps may lead him to want to make this decision? And the one thing that’s still left out there is… hey, could Rick Sanchez be a journalist?”

CNN quickly denied the charge, calling it “outrageous” and “baseless speculation”.

“I’ve certainly seen no evidence of any ‘journalism’ on the part of Rick Sanchez,” said CNN spokesperson Carol Foyler. “Certainly it’s physically possible, given Sanchez’s age, gender, and pretty frat-boy face which – were he to go to prison – would get him passed around like a joint at a Phish concert, but anyone who listened to him for 5 seconds would know he’s not a journalist. I challenge ANYONE to come up with a single shred of evidence that there has EVER been a single instance of journalism from Sanchez, or anyone else at CNN, for that matter.”

“Sarah Palin has obviously crossed the line with her utterly unfounded accusation,” said Foyler, “and if she has even a ounce of human decency, she will apologize immediately. ‘Journalist’, indeed!”

WASHINGTON (AP) – Just in time for the document’s 233rd anniversary, President Barack Obama has issued an executive order apologizing to Great Britain for America’s Declaration of Independence in 1776.

Independence? Dumbest idea EVER!

“It’s time to move away from the failed policies of the past,” said Obama during a Rose Garden press conference, “and the first step is apologizing for the original sin of this nation against the sensibilities of the international community.”

“The Declaration of Independence from the wise and benevolent guiding hand of Great Britain was, in the eyes of some, an important step,” said Obama. “But the manner in which it was handled was an affront to acceptable diplomatic norms. This crude and disparaging document heaped numerous, undeserved insults on the divine ruler of our compassionate and nurturing motherland. It used such crass and dispicable terms as ‘tyrant’ and ‘despot’ to describe the gracious tolerance of King George the Third to the aspersions and indignities heaped upon him by a cabal of ungrateful rebels.”

“Therefore,” declared Obama, “we, the people of the United States of America, do formally apologize and ask for the forgiveness of the descendants and heirs of Great Britain’s people and monarchy.”

Reaction to the apology was mixed.

Vice President Joe Biden said the apology was “a good start,” but noted that if we really wanted to make amends for 233 years of disloyalty, America would have to “show our sincerity with deeds, not words”.

“If we really want to make up with Great Britain,” said Biden, “we need to become more like them. We should adopt their health care system. And their ban on guns. And their ban on knives. Man, I hate knives… I cut myself on one last time I was in my secret undisclosed location under the old U.S. Naval Observatory… hey, this is off the record, right?”

Queen Elizabeth the Second said that she would “consider” accepting the apology if Obama would “take back this stupid iPod and send me a Kindle 2.”

In a study conducted during the 2008 election, Dr. Ray Friedman of Vanderbilt University found that white students received lower scores on standardized tests when they were reminded of McCain’s electoral loss before the test, suggesting that Obama’s presidency is crushing the hopes of young white people.

Run over by the ‘O-train’, these white children squat in the gutter from which they shall never rise.

Friedman said the white students who received lower scores were likely victims of “stereotype threat” — a fear that one’s performance will confirm an existing negative stereotype of a group with which one identifies, resulting in psychological discomfort.

“When McCain fumbled what should’ve been a ‘gimme’ election,” said Friedman, “he was a war hero campaigning during a two-front war against a limp-wristed nancy-boy whose foreign policy experience consisted of being born in Kenya. McCain’s loss created a new color barrier in a very public and important way, robbing white test-takers of their full potential.”

Friedman tested 400 subjects at different phases of the election cycle: before the Democratic convention, and after Obama’s victory in November.

In the first test, the median score for whites was 12.14 of 20. After McCain lost the presidency, whites scored 11.9.

Friedman said that McCain’s influence as a negative role model will damage white children in ways that will be impossible to overcome.

“These stupid white kids have good cause for despair,” said Friedman. “It’s not like they have anyone they can look up to in other walks of life, like music, sports, entertainment, or business. Without a white man as president, they’re doomed to a life of poor test scores and even poorer self-esteem. They might as well start growing a mullet and making a down-payment on a trailer right now, because they don’t have a chance.”

HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Simpsons creator Matt Groening has filed suit against Barack Obama in Federal court today, claiming that the President “substantially appropriated” material from the animated comedy series during a recent speech.

“D’oh!”

“This is an open-and-shut case,” said Groening. “When Sarah Palin gave a speech that repeatedly quoted Newt Gingrich and she only cited his article five times, the Huffington Post correctly concluded that she was a plagiarist. This means that the non-plagiarizing standard is SIX citations, and Obama fell short of that by at least six citations.”

The questionable Obama lines came as he criticized the irresponsible largesse of the Bush administration for creating America’s current financial crisis:

“The reckless fiscal policies of the past have left us in a very deep hole,” Obama said. “Digging our way out will take time and patience and tough choices.”

Groening claims that the quote was “unquestionably” lifted from the 1994 Simpsons episode “Homer the Vigilante“. During the episode’s closing scene, half the town of Springfield is stuck in the bottom of the hole they dug while searching for buried treasure, and the following conversation ensues [quote starts at 20:12 in video linked above]:

OTTO THE BUS DRIVER: Hey, how are we gonna get out of here?

HOMER: [pause] We’ll DIG our way out! [grunts from effortful digging]

CHIEF WIGGUM: No, no… dig UP, stupid!

For his part, Obama denied that any plagiarism took place, saying, “Homer and I do trade ideas all the time, and you know he’s occasionally used lines of mine. Like that thing where he says ‘Why you little!…” and starts strangling Bart? He TOTALLY got that from watching me & Biden.”

[photo credit: SimpsonizeMe.com]