Archive for the ‘Nuke the News’ Category

Nuke the News: Gloat

Wednesday, June 6, 2012 11:00 am

* The left are dealing with the Wisconsin defeat in different ways. There’s depression. There’s denial. There’s anger of course — I mean, what are the left without lots and lots of anger at everyone who disagrees with them. But anyway, whatever their reaction is to grief, there’s one thing that’s similar: It’s all delicious and we love it.

I mean, they really stuck their necks out here. The dwindling unions spent a countless fortune on getting this recall election, and all it amounted to was a huge affirmation of Governor Scott Walker and the tough decisions he made. And next for the unions… nothing. That’s it. It’s over. Maybe they should go scope out a space in the Smithsonian.

Exit polls showed that Wisconsin is still out of reach for Romney… but the exit polls also showed a 50/50 race when the final count was 53% to 46%, so who knows. Democrats have to be worried about a possible landslide in November, and if you’re wondering what would be sweeter than this Wisconsin victory, it’s Obama being kicked out of office by a huge margin. “Now scram, Barry, and take your hope and change with you!”

* Some people are wondering if Bill Clinton is rooting for Obama to not be reelected. Clinton has talked up Romney’s business experience, and now he’s called current conditions a recession while saying they need to extend the Bush tax cuts for everyone. One similarity between Clinton and Obama is that both of them at their core are petulant children. Clinton’s worry is being upstaged by Obama, but I don’t see how that can happen. Clinton’s legacy is presiding over the country during a time of prosperity and peace while achieving nothing much of long lasting effect and then getting impeached for being a slimeball. No one can take that away from him. And I doubt the huge disaster that is the Obama presidency will make Clinton’s term seem any less significant than it already is — if anything, it makes Clinton look a lot better. Clinton should really support incompetent people like Obama because it really will help with the curve when people grade his presidency.

* Michelle Obama applauded Bloomberg’s soda ban — no surprises there. But it’s not right to attack the First Lady for her beliefs because she’s not an elected politician and is just a dumb broad. You should just pat her on the head and say, “It’s good you think things.” That’s being polite.

* Taco Bell made a taco with a nacho Doritos shell, and it is now the most successful taco ever in the history of the Milky Way galaxy, selling 100 million in its first week. This caused Mayor Bloomberg to scream and shake his tiny fist in anger, and he’s threatening to take away the Locos Tacos unless we can guess his real name in three days.

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Nuke the News: Coming Up with an Attack

Tuesday, June 5, 2012 11:00 am

* It’s the Wisconsin recall election today. Scott Walker is expected to win it easily and the once powerful unions are expected to be humiliated (which is on their path to being forgotten). Obama is trying to stay away from this mess to not get the stink of failure on him (he has enough of his own failure to deal with), so all he did was write one tweet in support of the Democrat running against Walker. Yep, that’s all the attention the unions were able to get out of the president: about ten seconds worth. And in the end, this recall should be an expensive effort by the unions that results in a very public affirmation of the governor who is fighting against them. Fun times. Let’s just hope November is this much fun.

* Obama is really struggling to come up with a good line of attack against Romney. They went after the supposed weird stuff like how Romney treated his dog, but that just led to people seeing how much weirder Obama is. They went after Romney’s association with Bain, but that just showed how he actually has business experience unlike Obama. And they went after is record in Massachusetts, which just showed he has a much better record than Obama has. I think they’re going to try the extremist route next, but I just expect that to show how much more out of the mainstream Obama and his friends are. Considering Obama’s record, attacking is the only option they have, but they just have to find a good one. Maybe if they search around they’ll find that Romney once killed someone… but then we’d probably find out that Obama killed and ate someone. Maybe they should start marketing Obama for his comedy opportunities. I’ll certainly miss him for that.

* In Japan, they’re working on special goggles to make cookies look bigger and plain biscuits look tasty to help people lost weight. That seems like the long way around things; can’t they just have the goggles make people look thinner?

* Since I read stuff, I figure I might as well mention what I’m reading so you can be like me. In fiction, I’m reading Darkship Thieves by Sarah Hoyt (also a fellow blogger who has sometimes subbed for the Puppy Blender). Anyway, she sent me a signed copy because I’m important and special, and it’s a very fast-paced book that I’m enjoying immensely.

In non-fiction, I’m reading The Everlasting Man by G. K. Chesterton. Chesterton seems like a very interesting writer and I wanted to finally read something from him, and so far it’s an interesting analysis of the current science on man — at least from the perspective of the 1920s when much of that was brand new and people were getting a little over-enthused about what they could know through science. Well, I guess that isn’t too different from now.

In video games, I’m still playing Mass Effect 3. I only get a couple hours a week for it, so I’m going through it pretty slowly. Though it’s fun, I feel like I’m playing it more for the story than the gameplay, because after three games I’m pretty invested in the characters as it’s very good writing and voice acting. And I’m curious to finally see this ending everyone is complaining about.

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Nuke the News: Still Bush’s Fault

Monday, June 4, 2012 11:00 am

* Here’s my new PJ Media column on Michael Bloomberg and the tyranny of choices. Sorry it’s like half short jokes, but when I got started, I couldn’t stop!

He just knows that without his direct control, you won’t be able to enjoy unhealthy foods in moderation, because, really, just look at how fat and stupid you all are. Actually, don’t look; it’s too depressing. Instead, keep your gaze on the health guru Bloomberg. Don’t you want a physique like his? He’s like a halfling warrior. See, Bloomberg embodies his own principles, as he’s not a wastefully large politician like New Jersey’s Chris Christie; instead, he’s fun-sized.

* So there was another jobs report Friday, and if you like jobs and an economy that is growing, it wasn’t very good news. So this is the challenge for Obama’s reelection: He has to convince people to give him another chance when he obviously sucks at everything. So what’s he doing? Blaming Bush! I mean, Bush hasn’t been president for three and a half years, but he was at the White House last week and probably sabotaged things while he was there. So that’s the Obama argument: The first term doesn’t count, so don’t judge him on it. But we should give him another four years based on how he… Okay, I don’t really understand the Obama reelection argument. What exactly has he done this first term that we’d want four more years of? Whining? I already have a toddler for that.

* Is this some sort of joke?

It’s like someone said, “Hey, we’re really desperate for a spokesperson to represent how Obama and his friends are a bunch of elitist, out of touch weirdos… Someone who would make Arianna Huffington sound like the common man in comparison.”

So, do you want to hang out with Anna Wintour, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Michelle Obama? Then defy God and break all his Commandments, because I’m pretty sure that’s what hell is like.

* So, it’s official, Green Lantern Alan Scott is now gay. Just to be clear though, he’s like the fourth or fifth most popular of the current Green Lanterns. Yes, he was the original, but like a lot of the Golden Age heroes, he’s considered pretty cheesy by today’s standards and hasn’t had his own comic book in eons. When people say “The Green Lantern” these days, they assume you’re referring to Hal Jordan (who Ryan Reynolds played in the recent movie). Then there are also John Stewart (different from Jon Stewart) and Guy Gardner, both of who are also probably more popular than Alan Scott. And for a while, DC Comics tried to make Kyle Rayner (artist from New York — but apparently not gay) the main Green Lantern, but no one liked him so Alan Scott may rank above him.

Anyway, I’m guessing Aquaman is happy they announced who the gay character so people will stop asking him questions.

* Wisconsin recall election tomorrow! This could spell the end of unions and then Democrat Party, so fingers crossed!

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Nuke the News: Forcing You to Understand

Friday, June 1, 2012 11:00 am

* I love Bloomberg’s explanation for the soda ban. He’s “forcing you to understand.” Now, if only we had a way to force him to understand what a silly mockery he’s become.

In America — this country — politicians are supposed to be servants. They don’t make us understand anything or make us do anything. If anything, New Yorkers should be telling him how to eat. He does work for them, and thus it’s in their interest to keep him healthy, so they should be dictating what he can eat and how much he should exercise per day. That would be just and fine in our American system. We tell politicians what to do, not the other way around. How do we make people like Bloomberg understand that? The answer: a long exile to Antarctica to think things over. We really need to start working on my idea to turn Antarctica into a place to exile politicians.

* Romney held a press conference outside the shuttered Solyndra building, using it as a symbol of Obama’s failure. This is why I’m already liking Romney much more than McCain: He really wants to be president, so he is not afraid to attack and attack and attack. And really, what more do we want after suffering through the Obama presidency than someone constantly and very publicly pointing out what an absolute failure that Obama idiot is. Maybe a Romney presidency won’t be that great, but a complete rejection of the Obama presidency is needed to heal our country. And for the lols.

* A bill to ban sex-selection abortions was defeated in the House (it needed two-thirds vote for the fast track). The main response from Democrats is to pretend it wasn’t a problem — as they do with any suggestion of horrific consequence from abortion. So how does this fit in the war on women? Is allowing baby girls to be aborted for being girls pro-Women because abortion is so absolutely sacred to everything feminist? Just remember in the War on Women, only one side is causing actual casualties.

* John Edwards, not guilty on one count, mistrial on five other counts. I guess he’s good then; he should definitely run for office then.

I still don’t understand how anyone fell for such on obvious scumbag. Clips of Edwards campaigning in 2004 should be used in training videos for voters, “This is what a slimeball sounds like. Do not vote for people like this.”

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Nuke the News: Obama to Top All Presidents Mustache-wise

Thursday, May 31, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama says he probably knows more about Judaism than any other president because he read a book about them and some of his best friends were Jews and he once dissected one. Obama then said he was the strongest president ever and challenged all other presidents to a fight. When George W. Bush accepted, Obama said he had a cold so he’d have to postpone the fight. Then Obama said he was going to grow the BIGGEST MUSTACHE OF ALL PRESIDENTS, one so huge it would make Teddy Roosevelt look like he had a pedostache in comparison. He then said he was going to create the most jobs of any presidents… but then decided against that so he could focus more on the mustache thing.

* A prominent Democrat, Artur Davis, is switching to the Republicans. He had voted against Obamacare, which got him in trouble since black people are not allowed independent thought in the Democrat Party. But now that he’s a Republican, he can have whatever views he wants… as long as they’re not hippie views we’ll punch him for. But we do that to all races because we aren’t stupid racists like the Democrats.

* Mayor Bloomberg is banning large sodas because it’s his job as dictator to make sure his subjects don’t have too many choices to confuse them. Wait, that’s not right; this is America. We don’t have dictators telling us how to run our lives. Does he know what country he’s in? Maybe someone should explain it to him. Or maybe we should pass a law forcing Bloomberg to dress in an elf costume and dance for us. If he protests, we’d whip him and say, “It’s for your own good! Elf dances burn calories!” Hopefully he’d learn his lesson… or at least come up with a really entertaining dance.

* Here’s a new one in asininely raising the specter of racism: Bans on sex-selective abortion are targeting Asians. Really, at this point, liberals should just not be allowed to make a charge of racism. 99% of it’s just utter, partisan nonsense. If a liberal thinks he’s found an instance of racism, he should go tell a conservative, and if the conservative agrees, he’ll tell people about it. If he doesn’t, he’ll punch the liberal for being a hippie. That’s how they learn.

* Some people are petitioning that we have a “do not kill” list. So if your name is on that list, Obama can’t kill you with a drone. I just wish he listened to public input on the kill list. I mean, there’s people I want killed. Can I suggest names?

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Nuke the News: Barack Cheney

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama won’t waterboard people. He’ll just put them on kill lists. Isn’t this actually very reassuring? Despite all his unicorns and rainbow rhetoric, Obama is apparently very ruthless on the military side with his drone strikes where he doesn’t really care about collateral damage (any male who is military-aged is assumed to be a combatant unless proven otherwise) and his keeping rendition. He’s like Cheney… if Cheney were more effete and petulant. Still, some Cheney is better than no Cheney.

* Jay Carney tried to explain what’s the difference between what Bain Capital did and what Obama did with Solyndra. Of course, the difference is that with Obama’s green investment, he’s just risking our money, not his own, so he doesn’t care that much about making sure they’re good investments. But Carney gave the best answer he could: He stammered incomprehensibly for a minute. In fact, incomprehensible stammering is probably the best explanation for all of Obama’s policies. Maybe he can even make it a slogan.

“Obama 2012: Because [unintelligible]”

* Romney has now officially cinched the GOP nomination. So if you were one of those silly people still holding out hope for someone else, you can stop now. But it could be worse. I mean, he’s no McCain. Unlike him, Romney seems to really want to be president, so we can expect some fight out of him. And if he fails to defeat Obama, we shall banish him from this land to never be seen again.

* You know Robert Mugabe, murderous dictator? The U.N. has released a statement about him: He’s a leader for tourism!

Ah, the U.N. is so useful and totally not an affront to human decency.

That was sarcasm.

But think of it this way: The more time murderous dictatorships spend working on U.N. silliness, the less people they’re murdering.

The U.N.: We keep murderous dictators busy with useless crap.

* According to a Gallup poll, U.S. adults estimate that about 25% of the population is gay. The actual number is probably around 3%, so why do people think the numbers are so high? Is thinking everyone around you it totally gay a tolerance thing or the opposite? I blame the influence of Obama. We really need to toughen up as a country, because apparently we’re looking pretty gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

* There is now a Lunar X prize for landing an unmanned vehicle on the moon. There are also bonus prizes for doing things such as photographing the original Apollo landing sites. I don’t know what kind of bonus you get for exploding a nuke on the moon such that it’s visible from earth, but I’m looking into it and will soon start talking to investors.

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Nuke the News: Left Uncomfortable with Troops and Vice Versa

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 12:02 pm

* I don’t feel like blogging today. All the humor in me is gone. My iPad fell out of my car and now has a crack right through the center. Its perfect screen is ruined and I can’t cope.

Well, I’ll try going on anyway. Is there a support group for people who cracked the screens on their new iPads?

* There’s a reason we have liberals around, because they’re always worried about things we would never even think of. Like on Memorial Day, we’re all just mindlessly talking about how thankful we are that troops gave their lives for us and our freedom, but luckily we have people like Chris Hayes on MSNBC to say, “Hey, slow down there a second. Let’s not be so quick about this.” You see, calling troops who gave their lives for us “heroes” makes him uncomfortable. To us, it seems natural, but he’s much more nuanced. And he’s got a point; these aren’t unquestionable heroes like people who fight for tougher recycling laws. These instead are people who are running shooting others we designate as “bad”, so maybe we should think more deeply about this sort of thing.

Okay, I’m thinking. Thinking.

Done thinking, and what I’ve concluded is the reason Chris Hayes is so uncomfortable is that better people makes him realize how tiny his own manhood is.

Anyway, Chris Hayes has apologized, chastising all us rubes having barbecues and not thinking deep thoughts like him. Actually, that doesn’t really sound like an apology. I get this feeling this whole country makes Chris Hayes “uncomfortable.”

* Maybe one of the reasons troops make Chris Hayes so uncomfortable is that they hate him. Gallup has Romney with a 24 point lead among veterans. How can those people be heroes and vote against Democrats? Actually, you’d think Hayes would then consider the troops who gave their lives to be heroes, since the ones who are dead are much more likely to be voting Democrat.

* Anyway, things haven’t been looking so good for the left with them taking over and having a complete disaster with the economy on their hands. Maybe they can really run with this “we shouldn’t praise troops so much” stance and totally beat the Republicans on that.

* Been hearing about Obama’s “Choom Gang” in high school quite a bit lately. So is that an actual thing or is that a composite of multiple drug using groups he was a member of? And why haven’t we heard about this until now? When Obama first appeared on the scene, I was doubtful of Obama’s ability because he had never shown any leadership before. But now we found out he was the leader of the Choom Gang and strictly enforced pot smoking protocol. Whatever happened to that Obama?

* And here’s a weird thing: While talking about contraception, Obama twice mentioned “my sons.” Is there something else mentioned in Dreams From My Father that no one’s gotten around to reading yet?

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Nuke the News: Failed Politicians Land

Friday, May 25, 2012 11:00 am

* Apparently, if the federal government used the same sort of accounting the states use, the real deficit for last year was $5 trillion. That’s $42,054 per household. But look at all we get for the money!

I’ve even heard Obama trying to say he’s good on spending. He doesn’t even try to claim he’s reduced spending, just that he hasn’t increased it at a very large rate. So we did all this emergency spending… and continued spending at greater than those levels the year after. And he wants a pat on the back for it. In a more just world, he wouldn’t just be thrown out of office, he’d be exiled. We should just rename Antarctica to “Failed Politicians Land.”

* Obama keeps getting made fun of on Twitter, so he’s trying to find ways around it. So that’s what the leader of the free world is reduced to: hiding from all the mean people on Twitter. But he’s totally going to protect us from a nuclear Iran.

Man, I miss Reagan. How’s the DNA extraction from the vial of blood going?

* In news proving that universe is still working as it should, Levi Johnston is now penniless, having completely squandered his one million dollars, and has had to move in with his drug-dealer mom and take a job as Obama’s new Treasury Secretary.

* New York Republicans are proposing a ban on anonymous comments that seems pretty clearly unconstitutional. Still, I wouldn’t mind a little less anonymity on the internet. Unless you’re a Chinese dissident, most people seem to use being anonymous to be a jerk. Maybe we can have a special section — a nicer section — of the internet where you can’t be anonymous to participate. And we also need to bring back dueling. For politeness.

* So it appears the new gay DC Comic superhero is…

Golden Age Green Lantern!

So, just like they said, it is a long established character (he dates back to 1940), but also not really a popular current character (when someone says Green Lantern these days, people think Hal Jordan and the space police). And Jim Treacher writes what should be one of many jokes we’ll be seeing:

Really, this news shouldn’t be a shock to comics fans. It was just a matter of time. After all, Green Lantern’s only weakness is wood.

Are they really picking a superhero to make gay whose weakness is wood? Almost seems like they’re doing it for the jokes. I think it was retconned that the weakness to wood wasn’t a defect in the ring but was psychological, so perhaps this sheds some light on that.

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Nuke the News: Day Two Promises

Thursday, May 24, 2012 11:00 am

* Romney is making a bunch of “day one” promises. Me, I’d make day two promises. Day one is going to be spent making sure my office computer is set up right and has all the programs I need. Then I’ll spend time getting the lay of the building and knowing where the coffee pot is and what are the good places for lunch nearby. But day two, I’ll get to business… but not right in the morning as I kind of like to ease into the day. But day two somewhere around the afternoon America is going to see a lot of change.

* The White House website is now offering financial advice to kids. Who wouldn’t want to learn from those financial geniuses who are somehow able to spend trillions of dollars to noticeable effect?

The advice includes:
– Just spend money on whatever you feel you deserve and not worry about the costs. Money isn’t a real thing anyway.
– Budgets are racist.
– If someone questions you on your huge debt, just blame the prior administration your parents for it.

The White House has already met with numerous schools to teach its financial advice. There were no survivors.

* A judge is recommending that the U.S. ban the XBox over a patent dispute. Obama needs to tread carefully here if he wants to hold on to his precious youth vote. Michelle will probably want this (“Video games make kids fat and I hate fat kids so much I could vomit!”), but all the youth will hate him for it. If anything, he needs to make it so you can vote from within Liberty City or something as it’s about the only way to get those lazy idiots to the polls. Lazy idiots are the backbone of the Democrat Party, it’s just they don’t vote in large numbers. Because they’re lazy.

* The Great Gatsby is being made into a 3D movie for some reason. I remember reading it in high school and being very bored by it. Of course, these “classic” books they have us read were never aimed at teens, though they’re the ones who always are forced to suffer it. I still have intentions of being a novelist, so should that be my goal: That one day, far in the future, my book will be used to torture kids? Or maybe in the future they’ll have kids study classic video games. I can just seem them getting bored to tears with the original Super Mario Brothers. It doesn’t even have an online component!

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Nuke the News: Do We Like Obama or Capitalism More?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama won the Arkansas primary! 58% to 42%, which would be a really good margin if he weren’t an incumbent running unopposed. But what does Obama care as he is unlikely to win the Arkansas electoral votes anyway and has a strategy of complete abandonment of anyone who doesn’t help his election prospects. They can just go cling to their guns and religion as he has white college kids to act all evolved in front of.

* More Democrats are coming out in favor of Bain. I think the problem with Obama’s Bain attacks is he hasn’t really distinguished them from attacks on capitalism in general, and this country doesn’t want some capitalism-attacking Commie. Capitalism is why we have all our cool awesome stuff. If we have to choose between an iPad and oBama, it’s pretty easy to say which one is cooler and more useful.

I think Obama is just all confused and scared about capitalism because he’s never had an actual job and had to participate in the economy before. Maybe he should try running a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of the White House. He could learn a few good lessons.

* Union thugs put up an effigy of Nikki Haley and pummeled it. Normally, if white people were violent towards an effigy of a minority, that would be big national news, but you have to get the political parties in the right order for that.

But I’m sure the union thugs had smart reasons for what they were doing. They did release the statement, “Me no like! Smashee smashee!” Ah, unions, they’re totally going to have a big comeback.

* Arizona has accepted Obama’s birth records, so now Obama can visit Arizona without being deported to Kenya. If he has his ID.

* A record low number of people now identify with the Orwellian “pro-choice” label. That’s probably from Buttercup making babies so popular again.

* A vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood is up for auction. It’s expected to go for a high value since rumor has it that if it were sprayed on Obama, he would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

There was almost also going to be an auction for a vial of Jimmy Carter’s blood, but auction houses don’t accept merchandise from rabbits.

* I want these:

I certainly know with which unicorn Ronald Reagan’s blood would side with.

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Nuke the News: Can’t Defend Capitalism or Criticize the President

Tuesday, May 22, 2012 11:00 am

* This whole Cory Booker thing is pretty funny. All he does is say, “You know, maybe capitalism isn’t such a bad thing,” and Obama screams, “How dare he! Bring me his head!” and then Obama’s campaign forces hunted down Booker and made him confess his crimes on video.

There’s not a lot of wiggle room for viewpoints in the Democrat Party right now how Obama had done a horrible job on the economy and needs to keep this laser-like focus against Romney’s record in business. But does the attack even make much sense? Let’s say you buy their argument that Romney is a vulture capitalist, what does that mean he’ll do as president? Sell off all the country’s assets? The point is whether Romney was a good or evil businessman, he at least has some experience of how the economy works which is way more than Obama can claim. You can’t be worse than Obama on jobs even if you tried really hard.

* A teacher in North Carolina told her students that they can’t criticize the president. I hope that’s not true; now the unemployed will have even less to do all day.

* Colin Powell hasn’t decide yet whether he’s going to endorse Obama again. It doesn’t make me feel good that our military was once under the leadership of a man who couldn’t easily identify a useless twit as a useless twit, and he really should have at least made a strategic withdrawal from his support of Obama years ago. Still, if he wants back in the Republican Party, he better apologize to all of us. And buy us candy.

* Here’s a neuroscientist tearing apart the liberals’ recent pseudoscience on conservative versus liberal brains. Liberals are really insecure about how poorly their arguments fair in the public, so they’re constantly turning to “science” to prove they’re right which just shows their lack of understanding of the concept. Sorry, we’re not going to mix two chemicals in a beaker and see what color it changes to to solve any political arguments. That’s done through punching hippies.

* SpaceX launched a Falcon 9 rocket that could be the first commercial craft to dock with the International Space Station. So perhaps we’re finally embarking on the commercialization of space. Some night soon, we’ll look up to skies and, instead of seeing stars, see lots of space billboards. Hey, it’s not going to be pretty if we finally want to get some movement in space exploration. But if we keep investing, we’ll finally get our ultra-libertarian Mars colony. Yeah, have fun dealing with your crushing debt alone, earthlings!

* A major DC comics character is going to come out of the closet. Every Aquaman comic to begin with Aquaman turning to the readers and yelling, “It’s not me! Stop asking!”

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by I’m a Man! I’m 41!

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Nuke the News: Shut Up With That Horrible Truth

Monday, May 21, 2012 11:00 am

* Got this email from the DNC entitled “Its largest ad assault against President Obama yet” complaining about all the negative ads targeted at Obama. It’s kind of funny.

“Obama has been a really horrible president, and now the extreme right-wing and Karl Rove are spending millions noticing that.”

It would be nice to have more positive campaigns, but it’s hard when your opponent is Obama-level horrible. It doesn’t really matter if the other guy is any good, just don’t reelect the failure.

* You know how I said Cory Booker is becoming my favorite Democrat? While on Meet the Press Sunday, he defended Bain Capital and denounced attacks on private equity. That’s pretty damaging to the Obama campaign, so they’ve already pushed Booker into walking back his accidental blurting of the truth. As John Podhoretz says, “Cory Booker fears Obama more than he fears fire.”

Maybe Booker should consider becoming a Republican. We can speak our mind freely. …Well, you might get called a RINO if you’re not careful.

* The Democrats have completely given up on the white working class. Their coalition is basically just going to be college educated white and minorities. Or, to see it more accurately, it’s going to be lower class minorities and college educated whites to rule them and tell them what to do. That’s healthy; I’m sure that will last a long time.

Does it disturb anybody else that basically no white males vote for the Democrats anymore, but that’s still most of their leadership?

* Could the Elizabeth Warren thing get anymore hilarious? It’s like a slow motion trainwreck of awesome. It’s not just a blond-haired, blue-eyed hypocritical liberal claiming to be a minority or just that her evidence of her minority status is that she wrote a recipe for crab and mayonaisse for a book called “Pow Wow Chow,” it’s that she apparently plagiarized that recipe. Could she be anymore awful?

Early on, I got this John Edwards vibe from her when this rich white woman was raging against the rich to the cheers of dumb liberals, and it ends up she is just as horribly slimy and dishonest. Rich people who rail against rich people are all horrible, dishonest people and probably sociopaths. It should have been obvious with Edwards, and it should have been obvious with Warren.

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Nuke the News: The President Is a Birther

Friday, May 18, 2012 11:00 am

* Man, it’s Friday and I don’t feel like talking about politics. So what have you all been up to that doesn’t involve politics?

Oh. Really? That’s boring. Back to politics!

* Obama apparently used to be a nutty birther. Yep, in his bio for his literary agent, he claimed to have been born in Kenya.

Now, I find birthers to be annoying, so it’s a shock to find out the president is one. We can’t have a nut like that in the presidency; it will make us look like idiots. It’s time for him to go. No one in a position of power should be making such nutty claims. We have two candidates, and one of them, Romney, has consistently said that Obama was born in Hawaii. Let’s elect the sane one.

* Brand new shocking information about Obama found by someone actually reading Obama’s book: Obama liked to drive drunk. What a lot of neat stuff we’re finally finding out about Obama four years after he was elected. Belly full of dog, mind clouded with gin, out loose on the highways. But he got over those rough early years to be a complete disaster as president.

His next memoir should really be written as a comedy.

* Jeremiah Wright claims he was offered money to keep quiet about Obama and…

Weird. I just got a PayPal donation from Obama for… Wow. That’s quite a bit.

Know what. Never mind about this. Let’s go on to the next item.

* Here’s a blogger for Comedy Central whining about how conservatives are overtaking Twitter. If there’s one thing Twitter has taught me, it’s that there are a lot more funny conservatives than liberals. They just don’t have jobs in comedy.

* I know I’ve been making fun of the move Battleship since — you know — it’s a movie based on the board game Battleship, but the director actually seems kind of cool and pro-military. Here’s a funny interview for Israel where he gets on the reporter for not being in the military (language warning). Also, a character in the movie is a disabled veteran who lost both his legs played by an actual disabled veteran who lost both his legs in Iraq — and gets to be part of a cool action scene. I kind of want to see the movie now.

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Nuke the News: 99 Versus the Zero

Thursday, May 17, 2012 11:00 am

* Looks like we may have another debt ceiling fight. The Republicans want some spending cuts so we can at least pretend we’re one day going to take on all the debt we have, while Obama just wants to spend and spend without any limits. Well, maybe there can be a compromise. Republicans will raise the debt ceiling with the only requirement being that Obama sign a letter stating, “I am not a serious person and have no intentions of righting the American economy and debt and only care about political power. I am a failure as president and as a human being. The reason dogs have been mysteriously disappearing form local neighborhoods is me.” How about that? That at least makes sure we’re all on the same page.

* Obama’s budget failed in the Senate, 99-0, because Obama is a useless, silly person. The Democrats, in fact, didn’t have one vote for any budget as they are all useless, silly people. I guess any rational budget would just highlight what a huge mess they’ve made of things. In fact, Harry Reid’s current plan to deal with things is to go completely senile so everything seems fine. It’s working pretty well, actually.

* Well, this whole Warren Elizabeth “faux-cahontos” thing has become a mummer’s farce. It really looks like she is in fact no parts Cherokee though apparently Harvard claimed the pasty white Warren as their law school’s first woman of color. Liberals are such hypocritical jokes about race. I really think she’s going to have to change her political slogan from its current “Give me back my land, pale-faces!”

* A Super PAC is considering bringing up Jeremiah Wright. Democrats are already freaking out. You can go after Romney on a bullying incident from 50 years ago or how he once treated a dog, but talking about Obama’s crazed racist pastor who was his main spiritual influence is out of bounds. I think a good point with Wright and Bill Ayers is that Obama has a history of being around awful people and keeping silent to help himself politically.

Still, I’m not sure it’s worth focusing on this. Usually you bring up the personal stuff about a candidate to say he’s going to do a bad job when in office. For Obama, the fact that he’s going to do a bad job has now been proven by him unfortunately trying to do the job. We probably should mainly focus on that because the Democrats will love any distraction away from it.

* Bipartisan funny – Governor Chris Christie and Mayor Cory Booker made a video together:

I have to say, Booker is quickly becoming my favorite Democrat.

* So we had movies based on amusement park rides and now, with Battleship, we’re down to movies based on board games. Where do we go down from there? Movies based on elementary concepts?

“I got it — Sand… the Movie! Everyone knows what sand is; it’s got great name recognition.”

My hope is that one day someone at home on his computer will be able to make a movie just as easily as one can write a novel. We’ll have an artistic Renaissance when Hollywood is out of the picture. It’s like what happened to journalism when people like me were able to join in because of the internet — i.e., the most awesome thing ever!

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Nuke the News: Obama’s New Grade

Wednesday, May 16, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama, who previously gave himself a “solid B+” has now downgraded his grade to “incomplete” while speaking to the harpies on The View. You can just imagine him pleading to his professor, “Please don’t give me an F! Give me an incomplete instead! My dog ate my homework and then I ate the dog!”

I’m pretty sure the presidency is pass/fail anyway. He’ll get his grade in November.

* The Obama administration has charged CBS and the New York Times with bias. You’d think they’d keep quiet about that bias, but they’re actually claiming it was against them in that recent, devastating poll. Of course, this follows a pattern for Obama of trying to whine his way out of problems. “Wah! We are super popular! That poll is just mean and you’re stupid!” It’s pretty annoying, but the whining will turn to sweet music when it’s them complaining about how they lost.

“Wah! People didn’t vote for us despite how great we are because they’re racist!”

“Whatever, Rosa Parks. Here’s your bags; get out.”

* Romney has likened Obama’s rapid increasing of our debt to a prairie fire. I guess that works as analogy.

CITIZEN: “Oh no! This prairie fire is spreading rapidly! We have to do something!”

OBAMA: “I know: We’ll burn our way out of it. Let me get my flamethrower.”

CITIZEN: “That’s a horrible idea!”

OBAMA: “SHUT UP! YOU’RE STUPID AND I’M SMART!”

CITIZEN: “Gah! You’ve made things much worse! What a complete and utter failure!”

OBAMA: “It’s an incomplete.”

* Breaking News: Chris Matthews is pretty stupid. He’s one of those people extremely insecure about his intelligence — and for good reason — and so he often lashes out at others, especially Palin, to make himself feel smarter. He often mused about how bad Palin would do on Jeopardy!, and then he went on it himself and was a complete boob. Because he’s dumb.

I really don’t know how this dim bulb got on TV in the first place. They should make a show co-hosted by him and Biden where they just let them rant on the news for a half-hour and then award one of them at the end for who said the dumbest thing that night. It will be a tough, exciting competition!

* So the Ron Paul campaign ended. Yeah, I didn’t know it was still going on either. His views just weren’t popular. It ends up that people hate gold and love the Fed. Also, they’re not particularly enamored by cranks and their overenthusiastic crank supporters. Well, there’s always 2016 to… waste money on a pointless campaign that only pesters people. Seems like his politics would be more at place in a road show. He could travel town to town and have some hapless neocon for him to debate and easily defeat — it would be like the Harlem Globetrotters. Something to consider.

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Nuke the News: Obama Ripped Off My Book

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 11:00 am

* Remember the section in my book where I compare Obama to every previous president? Well, Obama has decided to do that himself and has inserted himself in the official White House bio of previous presidents saying how he is continuing and improving upon their legacies. He only goes back to Coolidge, but I assume eventually he’ll add to all their bios showing how he is the culmination of all the presidents before him and thus the greatest president ever in the history of everything.

Totally ripping me off. I bet he’s already constructing his robot unicorn body.

* According to Obama, we don’t have to worry because “The question is not whether things will get better, they always do.” See things always get better, so we don’t have to worry. But if it’s inevitable that things get better, shouldn’t that go with a more Calvin Coolidge, leave things alone attitude? I mean, if it’s a foregone conclusion things will get better, no reason to panic and spend a trillion in useless stimulus, right?

* A new CBS/NYT poll of registered voters — not likely voters which always leans more Republican – has Romney leading 46 to 43. He’s even leading among women. This is almost apocalyptic for Obama.

Hey, what was that Obama said about how we don’t need to worry because things always get better…

* A new Obama ad calls Romney a “vampire” for what his firm did to jobs. But vampires are very popular these days; maybe that’s how Romney closed up the gender gap.

If Romney is a vampire towards jobs, what’s Obama? A zombie plague?

* Governor Jerry Brown is calling for big cuts and big taxes to close up the nearly 16 billion California deficit. Unlike the federal government, a state government can’t go into debt so it makes it harder to hide the government’s complete and utter failure.

Isn’t there talk of how California will eventually break off the continent and sink into the sea? That does seem like its most economically viable option right now.

* The right is dominating the Twitters. It may have a silly name, but it’s yet another way to allow conservatives to easily get their voice out and thus they’re dominating it. The reason the right fall behind in the media is few want to make it a full time job, but give conservatives the option to commentate or make jokes in their spare time, and you’ll find a lot of talent. Al Gore invented the internet, and now his own creation is destroying the left.

* Diablo III is out today. Considering how hugely successful the previous one was, it’s strange they waited more than a decade for the sequel. One innovation is that you’ll now be able to trade fictional goods to other people for real money. Our economy in the real world is floundering, so maybe it will do better in a virtual world. There’s no Obama to mess things up in the world of Diablo. There are demons and stuff, but they don’t raise taxes.

Max Payne 3 is also out. I loved the previous games and never got tired of diving in slow motion while firing two guns, but I’ll wait on this one. I’ve paid $50 for new releases of video games since I was a kid, and that’s the most I’ll still pay now. Why is everything $60 now? Obama must have screwed up video game prices like he did gas. We need more drilling; I don’t know how that will help video game prices, but it won’t hurt.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked at Commentary Magazine

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Nuke the News: Obama Is Now Gay

Monday, May 14, 2012 11:00 am

* I have a new New York Post column! I worry that our country’s problems are just too boring to focus on and muse about what kind of warlord I’ll bee.

I mean, most of these are the same problems we had back in the ’70s. No one solved them then, because they were distracted by the president being a bitten by a rabbit.

Read it. Discuss it. Like it on Facebook.

* Obama is teh ghey!

Apparently Newsweek and Time are in competition for most insane cover story, but I still don’t know if that justifies hiring the mentally unbalanced, Palin womb-obsessed Andrew Sullivan. It might be possible that Obama could carefully play his gay marriage support in a way that won’t hurt him, but his idiotic supporters will make that hard.

And maybe Newsweek should fully embrace it’s new freak show vibe and instead of charging $4 an issue they should charge a nickel a gander.

* Obama has a new attack ad on all the layoffs at Bain… that happened after Romney left the company. So if I can get this straight, Romney is responsible for job losses when he no longer worked at a business, but Obama isn’t responsible for job losses while he is actually president?

Why are we even considering reelecting Obama when he this objectively bad at his job. It makes a mockery of the whole point of having elections. Only dictatorships are supposed to be stuck with the same awful leader no matter how badly he performs.

* The co-founder of Facebook has renounced his American citizenship to save on taxes before the IPO. It’s pretty bad when taxes chase people away from being citizens. I don’t know if I could ever renounce my citizenship, even if it was to avoid absurd taxes. Well, maybe I could lose my citizenship to dodge the taxes and then I’d sneak in illegally.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dan McLaughlin:

Real talk: Obama has done nothing that would warrant impeaching him, trying him for treason, or re-electing him.

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Nuke the News: Shiny Objects

Friday, May 11, 2012 11:00 am

At PJ Media, I detail my solution to the student loan debt problem.

Rats trained to pull levers to get food pellets have more useful skills than most of today’s college grads. And the cost of training rats doesn’t grow faster than inflation.

I like solving problems. In fact, in my next book coming out in September I solve every problem in America. So we’ll have to find new things to complain about here than problems.

* ROMNEY IS TEH BULLY!!!

Let’s just face it: We’re never going to focus on the economy for more than a couple seconds. We just don’t have the attention span. We try to pay attention to the important issues, and then shiny object pop up. Right now, it’s some poorly sourced bullying incident involving Romney.

It’s hard not to focus a bit on the double-standard here, as the media are digging hard for dirt on Romney but ignoring similar dirt on Obama that can be found just by reading his own book. But there’s no use whining about it; it’s just the way things are. We’re going to have to fight to keep the focus on the fact that Obama is a complete and obvious failure, and the Dems and the media are going to desperately seek any other subject than the important issues.

* That might not work, though. New Rasmussen poll has Romney at 50% and Obama at 43%. Logically, Romney should trounce Obama and this election should be very boring to analyze.

“Well, Obama was very bad at being president so he lost reelection by a large margin. People don’t like reelecting people who are bad at the job.”

We can hope.

* Biden apologized to Obama for forcing his hand on the gay marriage issue. What was the justification again for picking this blundering idiot as a running mate? He supposedly knew stuff about foreign affairs because he sat around in the Senate for three decades voting yes and no on stuff? When making any new government program, you need to ask yourself, “Will morons be able to implement this?” Because that’s all you get.

* The Los Angles Times asks “Is Obama too brainy to be president?” I really can’t tell if people are being serious or ripping me off.

Speaking of ripping me off, I noticed that Stephen Colbert is coming out with a book of a similar concept to my next one. Luckily, mine comes out a month earlier. And will be much funnier.

* Wisdom of the Day from David Burge:

I was expecting the election to be a referendum on govt spending, foreign policy and the economy, not an episode of ‘Glee’.

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Nuke the News: Courageous Stance!

Thursday, May 10, 2012 11:00 am

* Big news yesterday. Obama took a strong, clear pro-donor money stance.

The funny thing to me is that what brought on Obama “courageous evolution” was Joe Biden just shooting his stupid mouth off as usual. All indications are that the White House was caught off guard by it and basically it, along with the North Carolina vote, made his position on gay marriage no one believed look all the more craven. They figured supporting gay marriage will hurt him with whatever religious voters the Democrats haven’t already scared away but him looking like the politically calculating coward he is was even worse.

So courageousness!

This probably neutralizes the flip flop issue for Romney, though. When called on anything, he can just say he “evolved.”

* I’ve already got a couple fund raising emails from Obama where you’re supposed to award him for his courage.

It starts “Today, I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer”. Yeah, after 99 times of hedging on the answer. Yet, lots of Dems are applauding this. In their hearts they know how craven he is, but once again they want to believe. I always said this should be the campaign poster for Obama:

* Meanwhile, we got the back-patters like Shep Smith telling us how the issue is already decided and anyone against gay marriage is on “the wrong side of history.” Do they really think this gay marriage issue is going to end Christianity? The Bible seems to have a pretty clear definition of marriage straight from Jesus, so I don’t really see this going away. It may be like sex before marriage where society has decided its okay and most people ignore Christian morality on it, but the opposition will never end. “We’re really modern and we all believe this now” is not a sound theological argument that lasts.

* In non gay marriage, the economy is still crumbling and many people are still thinking of reelecting the incompetent boob who has been presiding over it.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon Henke:

This is, what, the umpteenth consecutive news cycle that’s not about Obama’s record and the economy? This is how Democrats will win.

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Nuke the News: Obama Keeps Getting Creepier

Wednesday, May 9, 2012 11:00 am

* So Dick Lugar lost his primary. Ends up Republicans are starting to get tired of entrenched incumbents who are completely useless at achieving conservative ends. We keep getting told that if we just get reasonable candidates and never care about actually achieving anything, we can keep getting absolutely useless Republicans elected who never do anything. But the Tea Party is all for being risky and maybe actually doing something about the deficit before the country collapses. That’s why they’re radicals. You only get to be part of reasonable side of the GOP if you’re all for standing back and watching the country slowly get crushed under its debt.

* In the Democrat primary in West Virginia, prison inmate Keith Russell Judd got 40% of the vote. In fact, West Virginia Democrat Senator Joe Manchin wouldn’t even say who he voted for in the primary.

Maybe they just really like dogs in that state. And who has more baggage to deal with in the general: A prison inmate or Obama with his economic record?

* North Carolina has banned gay marriage. That’s the state Democrats are having their convention in this year. Because Obama also hates gay marriage. Though I think he was against the law in North Carolina. So he’s against gay marriage, but he’s also against being against gay marriage.

Some people act like gay marriage is this huge civil rights thing and everyone is evil and a hater who opposes it, but if they really cared that much, then shouldn’t they be excoriating Obama for his hugely cynical position on the issue and calling him a hater as well? But they don’t, so obviously no one really cares that much about same-sex marriage. Until I see them constantly screaming at Obama, I’ll assume gay marriage is just a silly partisan thing.

* Ends up Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors weren’t Cherokee but instead murdered Cherokees. That clears things up. So the reason Warren joined all those Native American groups was so she could more easily round them all up and make them march the Trail of Tears again.

* This is pretty weird: Obama’s White House requires visiting unborn children to be registered. I assume Obama then sends the mother a card explaining how much they’ll save over their lifetime for the cost of an abortion now. Because he’s budget conscious and helpful and doesn’t like people being punished with babies.

Obama’s creepy. Did you know he eats dogs?

* Wisdom of the Day from Kevin Eder:

Obama, who single-handedly devised the most audacious military plan in 500 yrs, can’t formulate a position on same-sex marriage. #GutsyCall

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