Archive for the ‘Nuke the News’ Category

Random Thoughts: Elizabeth Warren, Cherokee-Killer

Wednesday, May 9, 2012 9:40 am

Has anyone used the headline yet “Lugar Misfires”? If not, it’s yours for free.

So what’s Obama think about the North Carolina vote?

You can always look to Obama to find a leader. He’s the guy Obama is following.

So Elizabeth Warren is 1/32 Cherokee and 1/4 Cherokee murderer.

Maybe Warren joined the Native American groups so she could more easily round them up and force them off their land.

So does anyone actually sell those holsters that makes the gun pop out your sleeve right into your hand?

For women whose husbands don’t have a chance of being elected, is there a way for them to be proud of their country? #AskMichelle

Can’t Chick-fil-A hire Jews and Muslims to work on Sunday? Don’t hire atheists, though; can’t trust the godless with chicken sandwiches.

Shouldn’t we have evolved by now to not have hair on our arms so pulling off band-aids doesn’t hurt?

Finally watching Moneyball. I hear who Jonah Hill plays is actually a composite character and once dated Obama.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (8 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Treasonous Obama

Tuesday, May 8, 2012 11:00 am

* The CIA stopped another underwear bomb plot, this one originating in Yemen. Obama released a statement saying, “I made the gutsy call that the CIA should stop bomb plots, so I basically I stopped the bomb myself.”

Notice how terrorists are still pretty stuck on the whole “blow up an airplane” thing? There are so many things to blow up, yet that always seems to be most of their focus. They’re just not very original thinkers… luckily.

* Some woman said that Obama should be tried for treason, and Romney didn’t say anything. Because of that, Obama has been arrested for treason and now sits in a cell awaiting execution. Way to not show leadership, Romney!

Yeah, the Democrats are trying to make a big issue out of this. They didn’t care when all sorts of awful things were said about Bush and there were plenty of assassination fantasies out there, but now we’re supposed to believe they actually care about this sort of stuff. I’m tired of pointing out all these double standards though — you could do it all day. I just go with this general rule: Whenever the left act like they really care about something, it’s just partisan BS. Always. There is absolutely nothing out there where if you switched the parties they would still care about it. Rape (Bill Clinton), Murder (Ted Kennedy) — nothing. If a liberal is acting like he really cares about something, he is being disingenuous. Only trust liberal hipsters who never act like they care about anything.

* It’s pretty much a bipartisan agreement that Obama is a disingenuous creep on the gay marriage issue, right? I mean, no one actually believes his incoherent “I’m against gay marriage… sorta… but evolving” dribble, correct? I mean, if we find anyone that dumb to believe Obama on this, that person should be publicly shamed as an imbecile. Everyone should agree with that.

So what’s Obama going to do if he gets reelected? Of course, that’s the question on everything. And the answer: Not much. Especially if Republicans keep the House and gain the Senate as most are predicting.

* Wisdom of the Day from Brian Cates:

We’re constantly told about capitalism’s failures but never about socialism’s awesome successes.

* I’m pretty sure scientists hate dinosaurs now. They seem to be doing everything they can to ruin everything that made dinosaurs cool when I was a kid. First, they changed the term “dinosaur” to now include birds. If a sparrow is a dinosaur, that significantly cheapens the term. And then scientists started putting feathers on pretty much all the dinosaurs — even the T Rex. Finally, they’ve taken away the awesome “dinosaurs were killed by a meteor story” and replaced it with “dinosaurs farted themselves to death.” So what were once giant terrible lizards are now just farting Big Birds. Thanks, scientists. Do you want to take away anymore planets while you’re at it? Why don’t you just team up with Michael Bay and completely finish off my childhood.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (11 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Growing Our Way Out of Problems

Monday, May 7, 2012 11:00 am

* So the socialist won the French presidential election. I know what you’re thinking, “Great! That exactly what France needs to turn itself around: be more socialist.”

Anyway, what they’ve been doing in Europe is this thing called “austerity.” That just a fancy word for “doing the only sensible thing.” You see, the governments there are spending way more than they take in, so they’re trying to cut spending because that’s really your only option in that situation.

Ends up the only sensible thing is super unpopular.

So France has elected a socialist to end all that austerity. Greece also struck out against austerity. They’re going to grow their way out of this situation. Or maybe ride unicorns across a rainbow out of this situation — whichever is more realistic. I mean, how are they going to grow out of this? “Hey, businesses, ignore our oppressive taxation and costly welfare state and come here!” Any day now, Europe is going to get burned down for the insurance money as that’s the only option left.

* I think Obama also wants to grow us out of our current debt problems. Or give us free contraceptive until the problem is fixed. Or he just doesn’t care at all about it. Yeah, I think it’s the last one.

* Obama may not get to try his pro-“not caring about important issues” strategy as Romney is closing in on him in the polls. I still can’t believe Obama gets 47%. I mean, 47% of people are looking at what’s going on now and saying, “I want more of this!”? I understand people may think Romney won’t be a good president, but it seems ridiculous to think he’d be a worse president than Obama. I mean, what are the chances we’d get the most horrible president ever and then get an even worse one? It’s got to be minuscule by any statistical model. Voting against Romney because you think he’d be worse than Obama is anti-science.

* Biden says he’s “absolutely comfortable” with gay marriage. I’m just surprised he didn’t say “literally comfortable.”

So what is Obama’s position on gay marriage? He’s against it but… not really… maybe. He has a Schrödinger’s cat position on that issue, and we never get to find out whether the cat is alive or dead until a bill actually ends up on his desk. And he’s going to do whatever he can to avoid that. At least until the election is over.

* Wisdom of the Day from Bryan Donaldson:

The most popular method of birth control for married couples is obstinance.


UPDATE: Linked by Darth Chipmunk

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (5 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Obama Plans Out Your Life

Friday, May 4, 2012 11:00 am

* In my new New York Post column, I explore whether the the reason people think there is a bullying crisis is because bullying has gotten worse or because kids have gotten sissier. If kids have gotten sissier, then the last thing we need is to end bullying. Instead, I outline a new government agency to get kids the proper amount of bullying.

A new Department of Bullying can determine the precise amount of bullying children need for proper development and send government agents to dispense it. If we’re too cash strapped for a new agency, we can probably just make it part of an agency that already has lots of experience in bullying, like the IRS (or the TSA, but that would probably be too creepy).

* So Obama put up this super creepy thing: The Life of Julia. It’s about how an otherwise capable individual can remain dependent on government throughout her life thanks to Obama planning it out for her. It’s sort of that creeping liberal fascism where they want to be in every aspect of your life whether you actually need them or not. For a country founded on people coming to an empty land with nothing and living and dying on their own ability, isn’t that about as anti-American as you can get? Of all the dog-eaters we could have elected President, why did we have to pick the one with the least understanding of basic American principles?

James Taranto made a good observation in that there is this big gap between ages 42 and 65 because presumably your only function to the government then is to work and earn money for the other Julias. And the timeline ends at 67 as presumably its hoped you’ll die soon after as that will really help the budget.

* Job growth has slowed again. You’re telling me Obama’s focus on contraception didn’t help?

* Things apparently weren’t going so well for Osama bin Laden in his last days. Newly declassified documents reveals he was a very frustrated individual. Nothing was going as he planned, people kept confusing his name with Obama’s, and then Navy SEALs shot him in the head and chucked him in the sea. It’s like that line from the theme to Friends: “Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.” I’m sure things are getting better for him now, though.

* Russia is threatening to strike NATO missile defense sites, because they won’t be our friends unless they have the ability to nuke us. It’s starting to seem like the difference with our relationship with Russia between the Cold War and now is how honest we are with where we stand with each other. We need to send Rocky to punch out their champion again.

* Nancy Pelosi apparently wasn’t amused by the Hey Girl, It’s Paul Ryan blog, so her office tried to respond with pictures of Paul Ryan with what are supposed to be humorous captions, but apparently she and her staff understand humor about as well as they understand conservative principles. Anyway, go look at her attempts at being funny and think to yourself, “The brain-dead, out of touch weirdos behind these are the ones trying to control our economy.” That’s our system, and I’m sure that will be pretty funny to the archaeologists who dig us up thousands of years down the road.

* Wisdom of the Day from Alex Baze:

My favorite Occupy Wall Street chant goes “What do we want?! Seriously, we desperately need to clarify our message!”

* New Steven Crowder video! The Dark Knight versus the Occupiers:

I wanted to see Batman punch hippies.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (13 votes, average: 4.69 out of 5)

Nuke the News: The President’s Imaginary Girlfriend

Thursday, May 3, 2012 11:00 am

* So have you ever wondered how Barack Obama wrote a couple memoirs while never once doing anything useful to anyone? Easy: He just made stuff up. Obama admitted that a girlfriend mentioned in Dreams From My Father was actually a “composite” girlfriend. So how much more of his books is just made up? And has anyone actually read these because why are we just finding out the dog-eating and the imaginary girlfriend stuff now?

Fine. I’ll read his book.

Hmm… most of it is about him being a hard-boiled private eye in New Orleans. And then he meets a magical unicorn that only he can see that helps him solve crimes. It’s pretty good, actually.

* On the subject of made up stuff, Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren is apparently a millionth Cherokee and once claimed minority status. I mean, if I said “privileged, white, humorless, feminist liberal”, an exact image of her springs to mind, and yet she tried to pretend she was some sort of discriminated against minority. And now she’s crying sexism that someone would make an issue of this. I think someone has been drinking too much fire water.

Man, does Scott Brown luck out on opponents. I think it’s the liberals have gotten too fat and lazy in Massachusetts since they’re just not used to having any competition. In most other states, liberals would be a little more wary to hide Elizabeth Warren type nonsense.

* Romney is actually trying to hold up being wealthy as something to aspire to instead of something to whine and bitch about. He went to a rich friend’s home and said:

“What a home this is, what grounds these are, the pool, the golf course, you know if a Democrat were here he’d look around and say no one should live like this. Republicans come here and say everyone should live like this, all right. This is a really tribute to America, to entrepreneurship.”

I don’t expect much out of Romney, but Americans have kinda had the hope beat out of them by the Obama years, and it is time we aspire to better things instead of just whining about the others who already obtained it. Obama wants everyone to be happy just barely making it, and America needs a much bolder vision than that. One of us sitting on a pile of riches laughing down at all other countries.

* Apparently there is some weird, low pitched hum emanating from America that only Canadians can hear. This sounds a bit like something from an X-Files episode. If Canadians heads start exploding, we’ll know something is up. As to why our government would want to explode the heads of Canadians, I can’t say. The government does lots of things I don’t understand or care about.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dave Weigel:

Tip for Elizabeth Warren: If Scott Brown’s campaign tries to give you free blankets, SAY NO.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (13 votes, average: 4.69 out of 5)

Nuke the News: The Waterboy Is Spiking the Football

Tuesday, May 1, 2012 11:00 am

* So Obama’s new slogan is “Forward”. It’s kind of odd. If you’re in a car which brakes have been cut and are careening out of control, I guess you can describe that as moving “forward”, but that’s probably not most people’s choice. They’ll be like, “We have to stop this thing!” and Obama is like, “No, I want to see this through.” And everyone is like, “But we’re headed for a brick wall.” And Obama is like, “But I have a very good feeling about it; great things are going to happen when we reach it.”

Or maybe “Forward” is just a reminder of what to do with his mail in 2013.

* So Obama is “spiking the football” on Osama bin Laden. He has this ad out praising himself for making a decision 98% of people would have made. “When I saw the stove was hot, I made the bold decision not to put my face on it.” And then he’s trying to claim Romney wouldn’t make that decision because only Obama when presented with the choice, “Should we go ahead and get bin Laden?” was bold enough to say, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Obama will get some mileage out of taking down bin Laden… but only if he doesn’t overplay it. But he can’t help but overplay it because it’s all he has. That’s it. He has no other accomplishment to mention on the campaign trail — and I don’t count Obamacare or the “stimulus” because everyone hates those. The only thing is for him to say, “I killed Osama! So elect me so I can once again… um… er… I killed Osama.”

* Some Navy SEALs are upset about Obama’s victory lap about bin Laden when all he did was not get in their way while they risked their lives. As we learned from John Kerry, there’s a big risk in Democrats acting all tough on military stuff since they’re the sissy party and everyone knows it. And at least John Kerry was actually in the military; all Obama did was not interfere too much with what Bush had already got in motion. The more Obama talks about it, the more people are going to think, “So all Obama did before office was attack what our military was doing and now it’s the one thing he wants credit for?”

Also, if he’s still claiming that the economy is still Bush’s fault — despite Obama doing tons of stuff about it — aren’t the military successes also Bush’s fault — especially since Obama has done many less changes there?

* In the argument of who is better for dogs — super important for this election year — Mitt Romney once saved a dog’s life. For Obama, saving a dog involves using Tupperware.

* Wind farms may cause global warming. So what do we do? Do we make fun of the idea of global warming? Or do we accept global warming so we can make fun of wind farms? I think I’ll just point and laugh, “Haw haw!”

* Sunny has a new video in which she explores Tea Party racism:

* Wisdom of the Day from Dan McLaughlin:

“Forward”: Because “Yes We Can” was way too specific.

* The squeaky wheel gets the Wikipedia page. I noticed that if you put “Frank J. Fleming” into google, the first suggestion was “Frank J. Fleming wiki” which means people are trying to look me up on Wikipedia but I didn’t exist there. So I thought I’d just mention that on teh Twitters, and now I have a page. And it’s been up a couple days now so I guess Wikipedia has officially deemed me as “notable.” That’s right; I’m on my way up. Next step: fame and fortune.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (13 votes, average: 4.69 out of 5)

Nuke the News: We Need a Bailout Bailout

Friday, April 27, 2012 11:00 am

* Biden wants to assure us that Obama has a big stick.

Have you seen any features on what Biden is like out of politics? I mean, is he this dumb in real life? The guy comes off as Lenny from Of Mice and Men given public office. Except when he accidentally breaks a puppies neck, Obama eats them.

And as for Obama wielding a “big stick,” do you think he’ll use it against anyone other than his own citizens who don’t like giant government.

* I can’t believe Obama ever thought of attacking Romney on flip flopping. Does Obama want to portray himself as someone who won’t change his ways — i.e., we’re going to get this exact same inept awfulness for another four years?

Then again, the other attack idea from Obama is to portray Romney as an extreme right-wing conservative. Seems like a hard feat when Romney couldn’t himself convince Republicans he’s even a regular conservative.

* Poor Obama, he thinks his problem is that we just don’t understand him. In fact, I think I wrote a book on how Obama is just too beyond us that we lash out at him in fear. Maybe he could give speeches to better explain things to us since he’s supposed to be such a great speaker. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work. Maybe he could be all petulant and play golf a lot. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work either. Well, maybe he can just shout, “You all don’t deserve me!” and then not run for reelection. That’s a great idea; he should do that.

* Obama has solved one problem — one he seemed determined not to solve: illegal immigration. Ends up we didn’t need border fences or deportation or Mexi-cannons — all we needed was a horrible economy. Thanks Obama for your outside the box thinking on this one.

* I can’t believe they’re making student loans an issue for this election. I just paid off mine last year, and if there is a bailout for student loans, I’ll be so mad. It seems like those of us who play by the rules are just constantly having to pay for the bad choices of stupid people. Can’t there be a bailout for people who aren’t idiots? Like can’t we confiscate whatever little money idiots have left and distribute it to people like me? I.e., I want a piece of the profits from the lottery.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (8 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Stop Giving Moron Kids Giant Loans

Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama and Romney have been going on about student loans lately. Apparently we’re in a crisis with those. Obama says he only paid his off eight years ago (I finally paid mine off last year). It does seem like an idiotic situation we’re in, but since it seems to be mainly a government made problem, I’m not sure how more government is going to help.

Let’s say someone goes to a bank and says, “Hey, I’m an idiotic eighteen-year-old. Want to give me a hundred thousand dollar loan?” The bank would send out the security to beat the teenager with sticks and everyone would end up the better for it. But instead, we have the government guaranteeing those idiotic loans so they get made anyway. It’s supposed to be we’re investing in our kids education, but as you can see from the college grads in Occupy Wall Street, mutual funds would be a much better investment. How about we stop this crisis by doing the logical thing and not giving moron teenagers the ability to go deeply into debt since most sensible banks would never give them that money in the first place without meddlesome government intervention?

* Gingrich is thinking about suspending his campaign. Probably with the combination of landslide losses, being deeply in debt, and pretty much everyone ignoring that the primary is still going on, he’s thinking maybe he won’t win the nomination. That guy has a mind like a steel trap.

* It looks like Romney’s strategy will be to portray Obama as a nice guy who is in over his head as president. So I guess Romney isn’t going to talk about how Obama is a dog-eating son of a polygamist who launched his political career from a terrorist’s house and who’s spiritual adviser is a crazed, racist conspiracy theorist. Instead, Romney is just going to focus on how horrible Obama has been at absolutely everything as president. Seems like a good strategy.

Personally, I’ll probably focus a bit on the dog-eating, though.

* The Supreme Court is hearing arguments over the Arizona immigration law. The federals government under Obama wants to not enforce its laws and thinks that supersedes the states’ rights to enforce them. Let’s just feel lucky we don’t have a more liberal court or they’d probably just rule borders as racist and illegal.

* My favorite comic, Axe Cop, is going to be made into a TV show for FOX. In these trying times, what our nation needs is a no-nonsense cop with an axe.

So are they going to have the now eight-year-old Malachai Nicolle actually write the series? I don’t think any adult will be able to quite recreate his creative genius. Children are just better at creativity; we eventually put limits on our own thinking as we grow older and slowly lose that ability. Not me, though, because I’m awesome (and as proof I’m awesome, I have a parodying drawing of the cover of my book by Axe Cop artist Ethan Nicolle).

UPDATE: linked by Darth Chipmunk

UPDATE: linked by Liberal Whoppers

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Dog-Eaters and Other Unpopular Politicians

Tuesday, April 24, 2012 11:00 am

* I think I might be about tapped out of Obama dog-eating jokes. Eh, I’m sure I’ll think of more eventually. Anyway, there’s now a Dogs Against Obama website. Here’s a video from it:

And here’s a special video about the most terrorized dog out there, Bo:

If you told me as a kid that we’d have a black president, I’d say, “Of course. I always assumed we would.” But if you told me we’d have a president who ate dogs, I’d say, “What! The Soviets win?!”

* Now that the general election is pretty much underway, who is up for some more VP speculation? Much of it is focused on Marco Rubio who is going to be giving some “major foreign policy speech” for some reason. Is he prepping himself for the national stage? The only problem is that the World Net Daily says Rubio isn’t eligible to be president and that the toaster over is spying on them.

The other name mentioned a lot is Rob Portman who is the the governor of Ohio who sjdaklja…

Whoops, I fell asleep there. He’s apparently the boring safe choice. Boring might be good, though. We can’t all have exciting picks like Joe Biden who just the other day referred to the Florida everglades as the “ever-gators.” That guy is full of endless amusement.

* Hey, I have an idea for something the GOP can declare a war on — how about a “War on People Looking for Distractions from How Bad Obama Has Been at Being President.” I mean, the dog stuff is fun and all, but let’s not forget about how absolutely terrible Obama is at everything. A lot of people think Obama has a good shot at being reelected, but I really don’t think they’re factoring in the horrible at being president enough into their calculations.

* John Edwards has a 3% approval rating right now. Did he eat a dog too?

Hey do you remember how, despite being an obvious horrible phony to anyone with a lick of sense, he was the Democrats choice for VP in 2004? And then the Daily Kos flocked behind him in 2008 as the real progressive concerned about the poor and suffering? Let us never forget. The left would literally line up behind Hitler if Hitler learned to parrot the right stuff about “women’s health issues” and such.

* Jon Huntsman compared the GOP to the Communist Chinese for some reason, and of course Slate is encouraging him to form a third party.

“Party of one for Mr. Huntsman.”

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (13 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: When Will Obama Address His Dog-Eating?

Monday, April 23, 2012 11:00 am

* As you can see in the Village Voice post Harvey linked this morning, some liberals seem to be having trouble understanding what’s so funny about the president eating a dog and why the right keeps making jokes about it. I’ll try to explain: OBAMA ATE A DOG!

* Obama still hasn’t addressed the American people about his dog eating. There are many unanswered questions, such as is he sorry about it, and how many dogs has he eaten, and when did he last eat one, and will he promise to America’s children whether he’ll stop eating their puppies. People need to know, yet he stands there silent… perhaps digesting a dog.

And hey, Obama, it’s either talk about this or about what a lousy president you are.

* Got a fund raising email from Newt Gingrich touting how he’s the last conservative left in the presidential race. Come on, dude. I mean, there’s being positive, and there’s being a crazy psycho. You’re kind of teetering over the edge there.

* So how is everyone adjusting to the knowledge that Romney is our nominee? It could be worse. He’s well-spoken, he has economic knowledge, and he’s never eaten a dog. We could win this.

* Zimmerman is out of prison on bail. I notice how many on the left are super hopeful they can turn this Zimmerman thing into a push for more gun control — as they were the last couple high profile shootings to no effect. They don’t really think these things through. Like, how many people are honestly worried about getting shot by the neighborhood watch? I’d think most of those people are criminals, and they don’t usually turn out in large numbers at the polls despite how much that would help the Democrats. Yet, hopeful liberals are always thinking that anytime a tragedy happens people will just throw up their hands and say, “That’s it; let’s give up on this freedom idea. Liberals: You tell us what to do to keep us safe.” Not going to happen; not while there’s a few people left who call themselves Americans with pride.

* Here’s an interesting idea: Have people for Congress chosen at random. Like jury duty (BTW, I just got a summons for jury duty — it sucks!). I can see a lot of advantages to it, as this whole electing people give those idiots an inflated sense of pride that wouldn’t happen if they were just chosen at random. And it’s not like we could accidentally find anyone too dumb for the job — it’s just voting yes or no on stuff. It’s worth consideration; random means less of a chance we end up with sociopaths as our current election system seems specially designed to weed them out of society and put them in positions of power.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jim Treacher:

To all my liberal friends: Just imagine how much fun you’d have had if George Bush was a dog-eater. Then double it. #ObamaEatsDogs

* Jay Leno has noticed that Republicans are more willing to laugh at themselves than Democrats are. I’ve certainly noticed that; at times, one could almost perceive IMAO as making fun of conservatives as we find it funny to laugh at our stereotypes. I don’t see the same thing very much with the left — part of that is because they consider their politics super serial, and the other is they lack self-awareness.

That’s okay. They don’t have to make jokes about themselves; we’ll gladly do that for them.

Did you hear that the president ate a dog?

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

UPDATE: Linked by The Daily Caller

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (16 votes, average: 4.94 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Still on the Dog Thing

Friday, April 20, 2012 11:00 am

In my new New York Post column, I talk about how on spending, our country is a car speeding towards a cliff. That gives us two options: The boring one and the Evel Knievel one.

I know it’s a little scary, and some of you recall that your mother warned you not to jump off cliffs just because other kids were doing it. But what if one of the people urging you to go over a cliff is Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman? Then it’s probably worth ignoring your mother and trying.

Read. Laugh. Share. Bathe.

* We thought Obama eating a dog was bad, but then look what Romney did: he said something insulting about a cookie. On the ridiculous outrage scale from 0 to “Ate a Dog”, it ranks at OBAMA ATE A DOG!!!

* Obama is a man of the people, and for $1000 you can shake his hand. For $2000, he won’t eat your dog.

* There’s also a new fundraiser where you get to meet Obama and George Clooney at George Clooney’s house. Lassie was also going to be there, but, well, you know.


* Some are wondering whether Obama actually did eat dog because dog meat is hard to find in Indonesia. Of course, Obama’s step dad sought out those meats including grasshopper and snake so that he and Obama could absorb their powers. Which leads to the obvious question: Did it work? Did Obama get snake powers? He certainly didn’t get loyalty powers from eating a dog.

* Reid is constantly trying to set the record for dumbest thing said in the Capitol… even though he’s always just trying to top the record he set previously. For this entry, he rambled on about how much old people love junk mail. When are we finally going to put him in a home? He just seems so lost and confused by everything all the time. He could accidentally do something crazy like EAT A DOG.

* Michelle Bachmann used the phrase “tar baby” and some people think that’s racist. I thought we went over this before when Tony Snow use the term: It’s not racist and you’re an idiot.

I keep wondering if people are going to call this Obama eats a dog stuff racist. Eating a dog is not a black stereotype, though; that’s just an Obama thing. Because he’s weird.

* People are going to receive unemployment while working. Here’s an idea: Why don’t you just not take away the tax money for that in the first place. Same effect, but with less costly bureaucracy in between.

I don’t know how to relate this one to Obama eating a dog.

* Even Senator McCain is making fun of Obama eating a dog. I would have thought this would be the sort of thing he would have called off limits in his 2008 campaign, but I guess one just can’t help but make fun of it. THE DUDE ATE A DOG!!!11!!elventy!1!!!

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (11 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Obama Still Ate a Dog

Thursday, April 19, 2012 11:00 am

* BREAKING NEWS: It’s still true that Obama ate a dog.

* Romney says this election is about jobs, though, and not which presidential candidate may or may not be tempted to eat fluffy little puppies. In fact, what is the worse label for Obama: “dog-eater” or “guy responsible for the current state of the economy”?

Some of the Obama-bots are still trying to rescue the dog issue for Obama as they would much rather fight on that field than the more substantial issues where Obama has failed immensely. I even had a number of people on Twitter try to insist that what Romney did was super serious but what Obama did isn’t important. To which the proper response is “OBAMA ATE A DOG!!!” If the Dems want silly side-issues, the dog-eating president is going to star.

* Millionaire Obama is trying to strike against Romney’s wealth saying, “I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth.” Okay, what’s less relatable to: guy with silver spoon in mouth or guy with dog in his mouth?

And is Obama claiming he can relate to the common man because he built himself up with such normal blue collar jobs as “community organizer” and “memoir writer”? He’s just a normal guy like you who eats dog, hangs out with domestic terrorists, and goes to a crazy racist preacher ranting about the CIA creating AIDS. And he ate a dog. Did I already mention that?

* I’d like to thank the GSA for demonstrating government spending in such a clear way. It’s nice to know what the money would go to if we raised taxes on the rich. See, the choice is never do we want the rich or the poor to have the money, it’s whether we want people who are responsible with their money to keep it or whether that should instead be taken and given to people who are extremely irresponsible with money. If you choose the later, please punch yourself until you understand the error of your ways.

* The Secret Service are meeting with Ted Nugent. And they’re going to do it in Colombia. It’s going to be a crazy party.

* Young people are apparently not excited about Obama or Romney this election year. That’s cool; we really need to start teaching people at a young age to despise all politicians.

* Acura is in trouble for having a casting call for one of their ads where they wanted an African-American who wasn’t “too dark”. The funny thing is, they could have just put out a casting call for a white guy and not gotten into any trouble. Acting is that last place where blatant racial discrimination is tolerated. I guess racism is okay if it’s for “art”.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon Gabriel:

If I owned a dog, it would probably look a lot like the one Obama ate.

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (13 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Obama Bites Dog

Wednesday, April 18, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama ate a dog. I’m thinking this will be the news story for a little while, especially after Obama’s campaign has gone after Romney for strapping a dog to the top of his car. They figured it would actually hurt Romney because people like dogs so much. So how will people react to Obama eating a dog?

Strangely, this revelation was out in the open in one of Obama’s memoirs, it was just up to Jim Treacher to find it as it’s not like the MSM is going to notice little details like that on someone who isn’t a Republican. A member of the Romney campaign has already made a joke about it (playing off a joke David Axelrod made implying Romney doesn’t care about dogs). The Obama campaign response was that he was a kid when he ate the dog. So there’s the defense: “Obama 2012: It’s been a while since he last ate a dog.”

I kind of humored myself out on this last night when I first heard of it, so make sure to check out my Random Thoughts on it. I’m sure I’ll come up with more jokes soon, though. I mean, come on, he ate a dog.

* The Obama campaign is planning to use “trust” as a campaign buzzword. I’m not sure that will work since right now a lot of people are thinking about how they wouldn’t trust him with walking Fido.

* See, I told you.

* Michelle Obama said about her husband, “This president has brought us out of the dark and into the light.” Something about Obama eating a dog goes here.

* The shuttle Discovery flew around DC on the back of a Boeing 747. Once, a long time ago, America could get men into space, and now all NASA can do is give piggy back rides. The little kid I was in the 80s reading about space would be pretty depressed to hear what actually happened with our space program in the coming decades.

Obama very much wants to revive our space program… though it’s mainly because he thinks Laika is still up there. Mmm… free dog meat.

* Basil sent me this neat link. Apparently in front of Japanese shopping mall, they built a full size Gundam robot statue. That sure beats some boring bronze statue of a guy on a horse. Also, Obama ate a dog.

* Wisdom of the Day from James Taranto:

This is what happens when you elect someone president without properly vetting him.

[Click for more “Obama Ate a Dog” humor]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (10 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Taxes

Tuesday, April 17, 2012 11:00 am

* Today is Tax Day. I have no idea why it’s today — the 17th — and wasn’t yesterday, but there it is. Today I always dream of the panic and chaos that would ensue if there wasn’t automatic withholding and people had to write a check for their entire burden today. It would be lovely. We should make it happen.

The thing I hate most about taxes is that the more money they take, they more government we get. It’s the worst possible trade off imaginable.

* So the Buffett Rule failed in the Senate, getting just 51 votes instead of the needed 60. But now we won’t get our “rich people paid more in taxes” prize! What was that again? A pink slip?

* So what useless thing will Obama champion now? He’s going to take on oil market manipulation. Because the one thing that will definitely lower oil prices is more bureaucracy. And I’m sure everyone is really hopeful for this considering how well Obama’s fiddling around with things has improved everything in the past.

Someone who was once a “community organizer” should never be expected to actually help with anything useful; that’s just cruel.

* The Pulitzer Prizes were awarded, but there was none given for editorial writing. I think that’s because they knew it would be dishonest to give it to anyone other than me, so they opted to just not award any at all.

So what was your favorite editorial of mine from the past year? I don’t need awards when I have… you guys.

* So a member of the British Parliament, Lord Nazir Ahmed, visited Pakistan and offered a 10 million pound reward bounty on Obama and Bush. So we think we have some idiots in Congress, but so far they’re not quite that bad. And what good would 10 million do you if our whole country was then set on murdering you? I don’t even like Obama, but if some foreigner harmed a single hair on his head, I and pretty much everyone like me would be like, “Kill him and everyone near him!” And if you’ve ever seen British parliament, it’s raucous enough, but just wait until Navy SEALs run in there and shoot Ahmed in the head.

Anyway, the Labour[sic] Party has suspended Ahmed. Offering to pay terrorists to kill the leader of your greatest ally is a no-no.

* We have videos! Here’s Sunny celebrating Tax Day — with guns:

And here is bad lip reading for Joe Biden. He’s the only one who this makes sound smarter:

* Wisdom of the Day from Brandon Kiser:

Why raise taxes on millionaires when you can lower taxes for secretaries? #BuffettRule

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: One Last Stab at the Buffett Rule

Monday, April 16, 2012 11:00 am

* It seems like the Buffett Rule is about dead as it has no chance of passing in Congress and even liberal pundits are starting to call it a gimmick. I never think I properly ranted about how absolutely stupid a waste of time the idea was, though, so I’m going to try now. Here is my Buffett Rule rant directed at President Obama:

You pompous, useless idiot, why are you wasting all you time promoting a completely pointless tax program that doesn’t absolutely nothing to help against the deficit? Do you see the unemployment? The gas prices? Does any of that register in your empty little head? Or does it just go in one dumbo ear and out the other? But that’s not what the Buffett Rule is about; actually doing anything even slightly useful is far beyond your wildest dreams. This is just about “fairness”. Because when people don’t have a job and can’t afford basic necessities, fairness is what we’re all most worried about. “Don’t worry, honey, we’ll feed our family on fairness.” “We don’t have to worry about retirement; we have a 401k filled with fairness.” You want to know what’s fair? You and all the whiny useless twits who think the Buffett Rule is awesome all living penniless on the streets scrounging through trashcans for scraps of food while I laugh maniacally at your sad little faces. Fairness is all you idiots getting out of the way of useful people like us and you’re opinions never having any affect on us ever again. So you better thank God every day life isn’t fair.

Eh. Don’t think I quite nailed it. All this time Obama wasted on the Buffett Rule is so moronic, it’s hard to really grasp.

* So the Secret Service is in the midst of a prostitution scandal. And I don’t if I buy their excuse: “Those prostitutes were going to have sex with the president, so we did our duty and threw ourselves in front of them!”

* I would almost think its a parody, but here apparently is the English website for North Korea. Read about how awesome North Korea is and how it’s great for both tourism and business (full diplomatic relations with most EU members!). No wonder they could build a rocket that flew a whole minute!

I understand them peddling this stuff to their isolated citizens, but who do they expect in America to be dumb enough to read their website and think they’re awesome? Outside of a college campus, I mean.

* Wisdom of the Day from David Burge:

The “War on Women” meme serves the same purpose as Axelrod’s combover, and is equally successful.

UPDATE: Linked by Internet Scofflaw

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (8 votes, average: 4.88 out of 5)

Nuke the News: War on Moms

Friday, April 13, 2012 11:00 am

* So I guess the war on women is officially over, Democrats having to pull out after suffering heavy losses thank to Hilary Rosen. “We thought those stupid bimbos would welcome us with open arms!” the Democrat were heard saying.

There are apparently a lot of myths out there about stay at home moms, as many people (especially condescending know-nothings) seem to think that’s just a rich people thing, now. A lot of the women who stay at home are those with lower education who couldn’t make a lot of money outside the home anyway. It really is a choice for most people if its a two parent household. We get ourselves in situations — especially with debt — where both parents need to work, but it’s not our income but our life choices that cause that. This is just another one of those areas where people want to believe things are out of their hands, but its not true. I’ve known families who earn a lot less than mine who made the choice and the sacrifices to have a stay at home mom. And it is a sacrifice, but it’s often worth it. I mean, my wife was a CPA and could earn a pretty good income outside the home if she wanted which added to mine would be… hurm…

What was I talking about? I got distracted thinking about lots of money.

* Oh, some real news happened. North Korea launched a long range missile. Except it didn’t go long range; it just plopped in the ocean.

We should probably do something about North Korea being all defiant and stuff and doing things like this, but we got our own problems right now. Gas prices are high and stuff. Maybe we can wait until they have a working missile. Then we’ll do something.

* 12 Christians in Iran are awaiting verdict for being “apostates”. You know, if you have to threaten people with prison or execution to keep them in your religion, maybe your religion isn’t so great. Just a thought.

* If you’re kind of short and want to do something about, holding a gun makes you appear taller according to a new study (Sceince!). So just get some elevator shoes and a magnum revolver and no one will look down on you. Or at least they’ll be polite.

* Wisdom of the Day from lauren ashley bishop:

that rocket hasn’t worked a day in its life!

* Newark mayor Corey Booker suffers second degree burns while rescuing neighbor from a fire. He wins the IMAO “Not Completely Useless Politician” award.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (14 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Democrats Don’t Think Much of Women

Thursday, April 12, 2012 11:00 am

* People are stepping all over the Democrats “War on Women” idiocy. First, we have this idiot Hilary Rosen going after Ann Romney for being a stay at home mom who raised five children. The mere existence of stay at home moms is seen as a direct insult to some women. Some women have to work because of their situation while others choose to, and those who choose see the others who chose to stay home as direct slight against them saying they didn’t care enough about their children to give up their careers. At least that’s my best guess on the psychologically, as there is some intense bitterness out there. It’s like the fact that Sarah Palin brought her son with Down syndrome to term was seen as a direct slight against the abortion proponents who have caused most such children to be killed before birth. Sometimes merely existing is seen as a political statement.

Also, Romney has begun pointing out Obama’s anti-women policies, such as the fact that 92% of job losses while Obama has been president have been from women (though fact checkers are trying to spin that, because apparently that’s the job of “fact checkers”). Also, the Obama White House is apparently paying women a lot less than men. The Democrats like to pretend to care about women when it’s politically convenient, but if any woman’s fate doesn’t help at the polls, she can drown in a car for all they care.

* Obama tried to claim that Ronald Reagan would have supported the pointless “Buffet Rule” that Obama has been wasting all his time on, but the statement Obama made was really weird.

“Let me be clear, Ronald Reagan would support me in– AHH! A MYSTICAL FORCE JUST PUNCHED MY IN THE JUNK!!”

* George Zimmerman has been charged with murder. That seems like it will be hard to prove, because who, before committing murder most foul, calls up the police to tell them what he’s up to? Anyway, biggest winner in Zimmerman being arrested and tried is the media. If you can’t have justice, at least have a circus. Everyone loves circuses.

* Buzz Aldrin, the first man named “Buzz” on the moon, and other astronauts and NASA officials have signed a letter telling NASA to stop being political about global warming. Once NASA got men on the moon, now they do nothing but whine about stuff down here and can’t even get people into orbit anymore. Whining destroys things; avoid it wherever you can.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jim Geraghty:

Strange how “the Mormon Church’s troubled history of race relations” never comes up in coverage of Sen. Harry “No Negro Dialect” Reid.

* Alan West says there are a lot less Communists in Congress than you thought.

UPDATE: Linked by Be John Galt

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (9 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: And Then There Was One (Well, Three, But Two Don’t Count)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012 11:00 am

* So Santorum has dropped out of the race. It was already looking like he wasn’t going to win Pennsylvania, which would just be an embarrassment at this point. So the primary is now over. Well, it was earlier, but we can stop pretending any other outcome than Romney as the GOP nominee is possible.

Well, most of us will stop pretending. New Gingrich is asking for donations and pretending it’s a two man race, but I don’t think anyone takes him seriously anymore. And Ron Paul… well I haven’t seen anything from him in a while and don’t really care to.

So, the only thing to do is come to grips with that it will be Romney versus Obama for 2012. Successful business man versus useless government twit — it could be worse. And here’s the advantage: We don’t like or trust Romney. Liking and trusting politicians is what gets you into trouble, but we won’t fall for that trap with Romney. He’s just a tool to us. All politicians are tools. Big tools. Dangerous tools. Ones we have to be cautious using, and we already know to be very cautious about Romney.

* So on to VP speculation! As usual, I would suggest Mr. T. He has the conservative principle of not tolerating jibber jabber, but he also is a compassionate conservative in that he pities fools.

Of course, much of the speculation is about Marco Rubio. He’s from Florida — a battle ground state. He’s young and gets the base energized. And he’s Hispanic. But he’s also only been a Senator for only a couple years — not that being a Senator is ever great experience — if people still care about the experience thing.

Chris Christie is another possibility, but that would raise the cost of the campaign significantly for having to constantly feed him.

And I hear Rob Portman mentioned a lot, though I know nothing about him. He sounds boring.

And the GOP has three minority governors: Bobby Jindal, Nikki Haley, and Susana Martinez. Minorities are popular these days, and governors have the sort of experience where you could trust them as presidential replacements.

And then there’s also Paul Ryan, Mr. Budget. If we want to make this election about the most important economic issue facing our country, he’s the go to guy. And the Tea Party loves him.

My vote is still Mr. T.

Who do you want to be Mitt Romney’s running mate?

* So what’s Obama up to now? Probably something stupid since he’s stupid. Oh, he’s pushing for the Buffet Rule. Since it will only reduce the deficit by like 0.3% and targets only a few hundred individuals, there is no reason to spend so much time on this other than mindless class warfare. If Obama is asked why he’s wasting time on this and answers anything other than, “Class warfare; I’m trying to stir up, stupid, envious people.” then Obama is lying and you should point and shout at him, “LIAR!” and spit at him. As is the custom for handling liars. That I made just now.

* Wisdom of the Day from Bryan Donaldson:

Just had a very productive meeting. There were a lot of o’s on the handout and I managed to get them all colored in.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Rubbishing Assumptions

Tuesday, April 10, 2012 11:00 am

* I mentioned Obama’s Chicago headquarters getting into gear yesterday, but Ace had a keen observation about it.

Look at this shot of the people working at the Obama HQ in Chicago:

Can you spot any minorities. I looked a while, and I could see one Asian girl but that’s it.

Well, maybe they couldn’t find any black Obama supporters. In Chicago.

But just because white liberals want to help minorities doesn’t mean they want to be around them. They like to help from afar in their nice white sanctuaries. So maybe the Obama HQ in Chicago is like white liberals’ own private Vermont.

* James O’Keefe has a video showing how easy it is for a white man to go in and get Eric Holder’s ballot when no photo ID is required. Eric Holder has previously said voter fraud is not a problem, so I guess he’s okay with people voting as him.

Though I’ve always understood when a liberal says that voter fraud isn’t a problem, he means it isn’t a problem in that it hurts the chances of Democrats winning. But it will when O’Keefe starts voting for all you liberals.

* They always talk about the gender gap as Republicans losing women, but they never talk about how Democrats have problems with men. It’s because they’re the feminine party for only the sissiest of men — that’s not my opinion; that’s Science!. Of course, there are lots of women in the Republican Party — but when women like masculine stuff like football and guns and being a Republican, that’s awesome. But when guys like feminine stuff like picking out drapes and makeup and being a Democrat, not so much.

* At the Easter Roll, the White House handed out basketballs with Obama’s face on them. You ever think that guy has a bit of an ego?

Strangely, none of the kids wanted to shoot a basket and just wanted to dribble, striking the ball over and over as hard as they could.

* Instagram was bought by Facebook for 1 billion dollars. Instagram lets you share photos and put filters on them to make them look old, which helps cover up the fact that you’re not a very good photographer (here’s my Instagram of Buttercup in a hoodie).

With the purchase of this little company for so much, some are wondering if we’re in a tech bubble again. You mean this great economy we’re in right now is resting on top of a bubble? Great.

* Wisdom of the Day from Bill Corbett:

How did everyone’s abs workout go today? I worked mine HARD, pushing ’em from the inside by ingesting lots of cake. Boooya!

* There’s a study in Britain that the left-wing are more likely to have liberal views. Look at this quote:

The research, carried out by thinktank Demos, rubbishes the assumption that faith groups tend to be more conservative.

All I have to say to that is that “rubbish” is a verb? How did we ever take the British seriously?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (12 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Nuke the News: Don’t Call Our Stupid President Stupid

Monday, April 9, 2012 11:00 am

* Oh noes. The Obama campaign is all revved up and ready to go. Actually, when did Obama stop campaigning?

I’ve started to notice a pattern already. The Dems create some big distraction like changing the laws to make Catholic bishops pay for contraception and then cry crocodile tears about the GOP embracing distractions. Expect more “distractions” like this because the last thing the Obama campaign (and much of the media) wants people focused on are jobs, the economy, and gas prices.

That is an interesting thought experiment, though: How do you organize a campaign who’s failed at everything?

Obama 2012: You reading this now would most likely be a better president than him

* Senator Chuck Grassley called Obama “stupid” on Twitter and I guess that’s a bit of a controversy or something. I mean, what Obama said about the Supreme Court would be pretty dimwitted for even a ten-year-old to say, but I guess you’re just not supposed to outright call the president stupid. Say he’s “special.” He’s a special president for special times.

* North Korea is planning a nuclear test. That’s good, because you really need to test those things. Maybe they can share data with Iran.

So are we going to do something about this? Like shouldn’t we just go in there and smash up all their toys? What, are we worried about their response? Well, I know what their response won’t be: launching a nuclear weapon.

* John Derbyshire was fired from National Review for writing something really racist. That’s pretty sad. Eight years ago, I interviewed him for my blog. It was my first interview, and I never did that many since (because, really, I’m the more interesting person; people should interview me).

Anyway, I hope everyone’s learned a lesson from this. There’s a certain level of racism no one should engage in without the protection of being a Democrat.

* Wisdom of the Day from Danny Zuker:

The most disturbing thing I ever found on my son’s computer was an empty history folder.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (13 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)