Nuke the News: Obama Ripped Off My Book

* Remember the section in my book where I compare Obama to every previous president? Well, Obama has decided to do that himself and has inserted himself in the official White House bio of previous presidents saying how he is continuing and improving upon their legacies. He only goes back to Coolidge, but I assume eventually he’ll add to all their bios showing how he is the culmination of all the presidents before him and thus the greatest president ever in the history of everything.

Totally ripping me off. I bet he’s already constructing his robot unicorn body.

* According to Obama, we don’t have to worry because “The question is not whether things will get better, they always do.” See things always get better, so we don’t have to worry. But if it’s inevitable that things get better, shouldn’t that go with a more Calvin Coolidge, leave things alone attitude? I mean, if it’s a foregone conclusion things will get better, no reason to panic and spend a trillion in useless stimulus, right?

* A new CBS/NYT poll of registered voters — not likely voters which always leans more Republican – has Romney leading 46 to 43. He’s even leading among women. This is almost apocalyptic for Obama.

Hey, what was that Obama said about how we don’t need to worry because things always get better…

* A new Obama ad calls Romney a “vampire” for what his firm did to jobs. But vampires are very popular these days; maybe that’s how Romney closed up the gender gap.

If Romney is a vampire towards jobs, what’s Obama? A zombie plague?

* Governor Jerry Brown is calling for big cuts and big taxes to close up the nearly 16 billion California deficit. Unlike the federal government, a state government can’t go into debt so it makes it harder to hide the government’s complete and utter failure.

Isn’t there talk of how California will eventually break off the continent and sink into the sea? That does seem like its most economically viable option right now.

* The right is dominating the Twitters. It may have a silly name, but it’s yet another way to allow conservatives to easily get their voice out and thus they’re dominating it. The reason the right fall behind in the media is few want to make it a full time job, but give conservatives the option to commentate or make jokes in their spare time, and you’ll find a lot of talent. Al Gore invented the internet, and now his own creation is destroying the left.

* Diablo III is out today. Considering how hugely successful the previous one was, it’s strange they waited more than a decade for the sequel. One innovation is that you’ll now be able to trade fictional goods to other people for real money. Our economy in the real world is floundering, so maybe it will do better in a virtual world. There’s no Obama to mess things up in the world of Diablo. There are demons and stuff, but they don’t raise taxes.

Max Payne 3 is also out. I loved the previous games and never got tired of diving in slow motion while firing two guns, but I’ll wait on this one. I’ve paid $50 for new releases of video games since I was a kid, and that’s the most I’ll still pay now. Why is everything $60 now? Obama must have screwed up video game prices like he did gas. We need more drilling; I don’t know how that will help video game prices, but it won’t hurt.


UPDATE: Linked at Commentary Magazine

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Nuke the News: Obama Is Now Gay

* I have a new New York Post column! I worry that our country’s problems are just too boring to focus on and muse about what kind of warlord I’ll bee.

I mean, most of these are the same problems we had back in the ’70s. No one solved them then, because they were distracted by the president being a bitten by a rabbit.

Read it. Discuss it. Like it on Facebook.

* Obama is teh ghey!

Apparently Newsweek and Time are in competition for most insane cover story, but I still don’t know if that justifies hiring the mentally unbalanced, Palin womb-obsessed Andrew Sullivan. It might be possible that Obama could carefully play his gay marriage support in a way that won’t hurt him, but his idiotic supporters will make that hard.

And maybe Newsweek should fully embrace it’s new freak show vibe and instead of charging $4 an issue they should charge a nickel a gander.

* Obama has a new attack ad on all the layoffs at Bain… that happened after Romney left the company. So if I can get this straight, Romney is responsible for job losses when he no longer worked at a business, but Obama isn’t responsible for job losses while he is actually president?

Why are we even considering reelecting Obama when he this objectively bad at his job. It makes a mockery of the whole point of having elections. Only dictatorships are supposed to be stuck with the same awful leader no matter how badly he performs.

* The co-founder of Facebook has renounced his American citizenship to save on taxes before the IPO. It’s pretty bad when taxes chase people away from being citizens. I don’t know if I could ever renounce my citizenship, even if it was to avoid absurd taxes. Well, maybe I could lose my citizenship to dodge the taxes and then I’d sneak in illegally.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dan McLaughlin:

Real talk: Obama has done nothing that would warrant impeaching him, trying him for treason, or re-electing him.

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Nuke the News: Shiny Objects

At PJ Media, I detail my solution to the student loan debt problem.

Rats trained to pull levers to get food pellets have more useful skills than most of today’s college grads. And the cost of training rats doesn’t grow faster than inflation.

I like solving problems. In fact, in my next book coming out in September I solve every problem in America. So we’ll have to find new things to complain about here than problems.


Let’s just face it: We’re never going to focus on the economy for more than a couple seconds. We just don’t have the attention span. We try to pay attention to the important issues, and then shiny object pop up. Right now, it’s some poorly sourced bullying incident involving Romney.

It’s hard not to focus a bit on the double-standard here, as the media are digging hard for dirt on Romney but ignoring similar dirt on Obama that can be found just by reading his own book. But there’s no use whining about it; it’s just the way things are. We’re going to have to fight to keep the focus on the fact that Obama is a complete and obvious failure, and the Dems and the media are going to desperately seek any other subject than the important issues.

* That might not work, though. New Rasmussen poll has Romney at 50% and Obama at 43%. Logically, Romney should trounce Obama and this election should be very boring to analyze.

“Well, Obama was very bad at being president so he lost reelection by a large margin. People don’t like reelecting people who are bad at the job.”

We can hope.

* Biden apologized to Obama for forcing his hand on the gay marriage issue. What was the justification again for picking this blundering idiot as a running mate? He supposedly knew stuff about foreign affairs because he sat around in the Senate for three decades voting yes and no on stuff? When making any new government program, you need to ask yourself, “Will morons be able to implement this?” Because that’s all you get.

* The Los Angles Times asks “Is Obama too brainy to be president?” I really can’t tell if people are being serious or ripping me off.

Speaking of ripping me off, I noticed that Stephen Colbert is coming out with a book of a similar concept to my next one. Luckily, mine comes out a month earlier. And will be much funnier.

* Wisdom of the Day from David Burge:

I was expecting the election to be a referendum on govt spending, foreign policy and the economy, not an episode of ‘Glee’.

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Nuke the News: Courageous Stance!

* Big news yesterday. Obama took a strong, clear pro-donor money stance.

The funny thing to me is that what brought on Obama “courageous evolution” was Joe Biden just shooting his stupid mouth off as usual. All indications are that the White House was caught off guard by it and basically it, along with the North Carolina vote, made his position on gay marriage no one believed look all the more craven. They figured supporting gay marriage will hurt him with whatever religious voters the Democrats haven’t already scared away but him looking like the politically calculating coward he is was even worse.

So courageousness!

This probably neutralizes the flip flop issue for Romney, though. When called on anything, he can just say he “evolved.”

* I’ve already got a couple fund raising emails from Obama where you’re supposed to award him for his courage.

It starts “Today, I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer”. Yeah, after 99 times of hedging on the answer. Yet, lots of Dems are applauding this. In their hearts they know how craven he is, but once again they want to believe. I always said this should be the campaign poster for Obama:

* Meanwhile, we got the back-patters like Shep Smith telling us how the issue is already decided and anyone against gay marriage is on “the wrong side of history.” Do they really think this gay marriage issue is going to end Christianity? The Bible seems to have a pretty clear definition of marriage straight from Jesus, so I don’t really see this going away. It may be like sex before marriage where society has decided its okay and most people ignore Christian morality on it, but the opposition will never end. “We’re really modern and we all believe this now” is not a sound theological argument that lasts.

* In non gay marriage, the economy is still crumbling and many people are still thinking of reelecting the incompetent boob who has been presiding over it.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jon Henke:

This is, what, the umpteenth consecutive news cycle that’s not about Obama’s record and the economy? This is how Democrats will win.

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Nuke the News: Obama Keeps Getting Creepier

* So Dick Lugar lost his primary. Ends up Republicans are starting to get tired of entrenched incumbents who are completely useless at achieving conservative ends. We keep getting told that if we just get reasonable candidates and never care about actually achieving anything, we can keep getting absolutely useless Republicans elected who never do anything. But the Tea Party is all for being risky and maybe actually doing something about the deficit before the country collapses. That’s why they’re radicals. You only get to be part of reasonable side of the GOP if you’re all for standing back and watching the country slowly get crushed under its debt.

* In the Democrat primary in West Virginia, prison inmate Keith Russell Judd got 40% of the vote. In fact, West Virginia Democrat Senator Joe Manchin wouldn’t even say who he voted for in the primary.

Maybe they just really like dogs in that state. And who has more baggage to deal with in the general: A prison inmate or Obama with his economic record?

* North Carolina has banned gay marriage. That’s the state Democrats are having their convention in this year. Because Obama also hates gay marriage. Though I think he was against the law in North Carolina. So he’s against gay marriage, but he’s also against being against gay marriage.

Some people act like gay marriage is this huge civil rights thing and everyone is evil and a hater who opposes it, but if they really cared that much, then shouldn’t they be excoriating Obama for his hugely cynical position on the issue and calling him a hater as well? But they don’t, so obviously no one really cares that much about same-sex marriage. Until I see them constantly screaming at Obama, I’ll assume gay marriage is just a silly partisan thing.

* Ends up Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors weren’t Cherokee but instead murdered Cherokees. That clears things up. So the reason Warren joined all those Native American groups was so she could more easily round them all up and make them march the Trail of Tears again.

* This is pretty weird: Obama’s White House requires visiting unborn children to be registered. I assume Obama then sends the mother a card explaining how much they’ll save over their lifetime for the cost of an abortion now. Because he’s budget conscious and helpful and doesn’t like people being punished with babies.

Obama’s creepy. Did you know he eats dogs?

* Wisdom of the Day from Kevin Eder:

Obama, who single-handedly devised the most audacious military plan in 500 yrs, can’t formulate a position on same-sex marriage. #GutsyCall

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Random Thoughts: Elizabeth Warren, Cherokee-Killer

Has anyone used the headline yet “Lugar Misfires”? If not, it’s yours for free.

So what’s Obama think about the North Carolina vote?

You can always look to Obama to find a leader. He’s the guy Obama is following.

So Elizabeth Warren is 1/32 Cherokee and 1/4 Cherokee murderer.

Maybe Warren joined the Native American groups so she could more easily round them up and force them off their land.

So does anyone actually sell those holsters that makes the gun pop out your sleeve right into your hand?

For women whose husbands don’t have a chance of being elected, is there a way for them to be proud of their country? #AskMichelle

Can’t Chick-fil-A hire Jews and Muslims to work on Sunday? Don’t hire atheists, though; can’t trust the godless with chicken sandwiches.

Shouldn’t we have evolved by now to not have hair on our arms so pulling off band-aids doesn’t hurt?

Finally watching Moneyball. I hear who Jonah Hill plays is actually a composite character and once dated Obama.

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Nuke the News: Treasonous Obama

* The CIA stopped another underwear bomb plot, this one originating in Yemen. Obama released a statement saying, “I made the gutsy call that the CIA should stop bomb plots, so I basically I stopped the bomb myself.”

Notice how terrorists are still pretty stuck on the whole “blow up an airplane” thing? There are so many things to blow up, yet that always seems to be most of their focus. They’re just not very original thinkers… luckily.

* Some woman said that Obama should be tried for treason, and Romney didn’t say anything. Because of that, Obama has been arrested for treason and now sits in a cell awaiting execution. Way to not show leadership, Romney!

Yeah, the Democrats are trying to make a big issue out of this. They didn’t care when all sorts of awful things were said about Bush and there were plenty of assassination fantasies out there, but now we’re supposed to believe they actually care about this sort of stuff. I’m tired of pointing out all these double standards though — you could do it all day. I just go with this general rule: Whenever the left act like they really care about something, it’s just partisan BS. Always. There is absolutely nothing out there where if you switched the parties they would still care about it. Rape (Bill Clinton), Murder (Ted Kennedy) — nothing. If a liberal is acting like he really cares about something, he is being disingenuous. Only trust liberal hipsters who never act like they care about anything.

* It’s pretty much a bipartisan agreement that Obama is a disingenuous creep on the gay marriage issue, right? I mean, no one actually believes his incoherent “I’m against gay marriage… sorta… but evolving” dribble, correct? I mean, if we find anyone that dumb to believe Obama on this, that person should be publicly shamed as an imbecile. Everyone should agree with that.

So what’s Obama going to do if he gets reelected? Of course, that’s the question on everything. And the answer: Not much. Especially if Republicans keep the House and gain the Senate as most are predicting.

* Wisdom of the Day from Brian Cates:

We’re constantly told about capitalism’s failures but never about socialism’s awesome successes.

* I’m pretty sure scientists hate dinosaurs now. They seem to be doing everything they can to ruin everything that made dinosaurs cool when I was a kid. First, they changed the term “dinosaur” to now include birds. If a sparrow is a dinosaur, that significantly cheapens the term. And then scientists started putting feathers on pretty much all the dinosaurs — even the T Rex. Finally, they’ve taken away the awesome “dinosaurs were killed by a meteor story” and replaced it with “dinosaurs farted themselves to death.” So what were once giant terrible lizards are now just farting Big Birds. Thanks, scientists. Do you want to take away anymore planets while you’re at it? Why don’t you just team up with Michael Bay and completely finish off my childhood.

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Nuke the News: Growing Our Way Out of Problems

* So the socialist won the French presidential election. I know what you’re thinking, “Great! That exactly what France needs to turn itself around: be more socialist.”

Anyway, what they’ve been doing in Europe is this thing called “austerity.” That just a fancy word for “doing the only sensible thing.” You see, the governments there are spending way more than they take in, so they’re trying to cut spending because that’s really your only option in that situation.

Ends up the only sensible thing is super unpopular.

So France has elected a socialist to end all that austerity. Greece also struck out against austerity. They’re going to grow their way out of this situation. Or maybe ride unicorns across a rainbow out of this situation — whichever is more realistic. I mean, how are they going to grow out of this? “Hey, businesses, ignore our oppressive taxation and costly welfare state and come here!” Any day now, Europe is going to get burned down for the insurance money as that’s the only option left.

* I think Obama also wants to grow us out of our current debt problems. Or give us free contraceptive until the problem is fixed. Or he just doesn’t care at all about it. Yeah, I think it’s the last one.

* Obama may not get to try his pro-“not caring about important issues” strategy as Romney is closing in on him in the polls. I still can’t believe Obama gets 47%. I mean, 47% of people are looking at what’s going on now and saying, “I want more of this!”? I understand people may think Romney won’t be a good president, but it seems ridiculous to think he’d be a worse president than Obama. I mean, what are the chances we’d get the most horrible president ever and then get an even worse one? It’s got to be minuscule by any statistical model. Voting against Romney because you think he’d be worse than Obama is anti-science.

* Biden says he’s “absolutely comfortable” with gay marriage. I’m just surprised he didn’t say “literally comfortable.”

So what is Obama’s position on gay marriage? He’s against it but… not really… maybe. He has a Schrödinger’s cat position on that issue, and we never get to find out whether the cat is alive or dead until a bill actually ends up on his desk. And he’s going to do whatever he can to avoid that. At least until the election is over.

* Wisdom of the Day from Bryan Donaldson:

The most popular method of birth control for married couples is obstinance.


UPDATE: Linked by Darth Chipmunk

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Nuke the News: Obama Plans Out Your Life

* In my new New York Post column, I explore whether the the reason people think there is a bullying crisis is because bullying has gotten worse or because kids have gotten sissier. If kids have gotten sissier, then the last thing we need is to end bullying. Instead, I outline a new government agency to get kids the proper amount of bullying.

A new Department of Bullying can determine the precise amount of bullying children need for proper development and send government agents to dispense it. If we’re too cash strapped for a new agency, we can probably just make it part of an agency that already has lots of experience in bullying, like the IRS (or the TSA, but that would probably be too creepy).

* So Obama put up this super creepy thing: The Life of Julia. It’s about how an otherwise capable individual can remain dependent on government throughout her life thanks to Obama planning it out for her. It’s sort of that creeping liberal fascism where they want to be in every aspect of your life whether you actually need them or not. For a country founded on people coming to an empty land with nothing and living and dying on their own ability, isn’t that about as anti-American as you can get? Of all the dog-eaters we could have elected President, why did we have to pick the one with the least understanding of basic American principles?

James Taranto made a good observation in that there is this big gap between ages 42 and 65 because presumably your only function to the government then is to work and earn money for the other Julias. And the timeline ends at 67 as presumably its hoped you’ll die soon after as that will really help the budget.

* Job growth has slowed again. You’re telling me Obama’s focus on contraception didn’t help?

* Things apparently weren’t going so well for Osama bin Laden in his last days. Newly declassified documents reveals he was a very frustrated individual. Nothing was going as he planned, people kept confusing his name with Obama’s, and then Navy SEALs shot him in the head and chucked him in the sea. It’s like that line from the theme to Friends: “Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.” I’m sure things are getting better for him now, though.

* Russia is threatening to strike NATO missile defense sites, because they won’t be our friends unless they have the ability to nuke us. It’s starting to seem like the difference with our relationship with Russia between the Cold War and now is how honest we are with where we stand with each other. We need to send Rocky to punch out their champion again.

* Nancy Pelosi apparently wasn’t amused by the Hey Girl, It’s Paul Ryan blog, so her office tried to respond with pictures of Paul Ryan with what are supposed to be humorous captions, but apparently she and her staff understand humor about as well as they understand conservative principles. Anyway, go look at her attempts at being funny and think to yourself, “The brain-dead, out of touch weirdos behind these are the ones trying to control our economy.” That’s our system, and I’m sure that will be pretty funny to the archaeologists who dig us up thousands of years down the road.

* Wisdom of the Day from Alex Baze:

My favorite Occupy Wall Street chant goes “What do we want?! Seriously, we desperately need to clarify our message!”

* New Steven Crowder video! The Dark Knight versus the Occupiers:

I wanted to see Batman punch hippies.

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Nuke the News: The President’s Imaginary Girlfriend

* So have you ever wondered how Barack Obama wrote a couple memoirs while never once doing anything useful to anyone? Easy: He just made stuff up. Obama admitted that a girlfriend mentioned in Dreams From My Father was actually a “composite” girlfriend. So how much more of his books is just made up? And has anyone actually read these because why are we just finding out the dog-eating and the imaginary girlfriend stuff now?

Fine. I’ll read his book.

Hmm… most of it is about him being a hard-boiled private eye in New Orleans. And then he meets a magical unicorn that only he can see that helps him solve crimes. It’s pretty good, actually.

* On the subject of made up stuff, Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren is apparently a millionth Cherokee and once claimed minority status. I mean, if I said “privileged, white, humorless, feminist liberal”, an exact image of her springs to mind, and yet she tried to pretend she was some sort of discriminated against minority. And now she’s crying sexism that someone would make an issue of this. I think someone has been drinking too much fire water.

Man, does Scott Brown luck out on opponents. I think it’s the liberals have gotten too fat and lazy in Massachusetts since they’re just not used to having any competition. In most other states, liberals would be a little more wary to hide Elizabeth Warren type nonsense.

* Romney is actually trying to hold up being wealthy as something to aspire to instead of something to whine and bitch about. He went to a rich friend’s home and said:

“What a home this is, what grounds these are, the pool, the golf course, you know if a Democrat were here he’d look around and say no one should live like this. Republicans come here and say everyone should live like this, all right. This is a really tribute to America, to entrepreneurship.”

I don’t expect much out of Romney, but Americans have kinda had the hope beat out of them by the Obama years, and it is time we aspire to better things instead of just whining about the others who already obtained it. Obama wants everyone to be happy just barely making it, and America needs a much bolder vision than that. One of us sitting on a pile of riches laughing down at all other countries.

* Apparently there is some weird, low pitched hum emanating from America that only Canadians can hear. This sounds a bit like something from an X-Files episode. If Canadians heads start exploding, we’ll know something is up. As to why our government would want to explode the heads of Canadians, I can’t say. The government does lots of things I don’t understand or care about.

* Wisdom of the Day from Dave Weigel:

Tip for Elizabeth Warren: If Scott Brown’s campaign tries to give you free blankets, SAY NO.

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Nuke the News: The Waterboy Is Spiking the Football

* So Obama’s new slogan is “Forward”. It’s kind of odd. If you’re in a car which brakes have been cut and are careening out of control, I guess you can describe that as moving “forward”, but that’s probably not most people’s choice. They’ll be like, “We have to stop this thing!” and Obama is like, “No, I want to see this through.” And everyone is like, “But we’re headed for a brick wall.” And Obama is like, “But I have a very good feeling about it; great things are going to happen when we reach it.”

Or maybe “Forward” is just a reminder of what to do with his mail in 2013.

* So Obama is “spiking the football” on Osama bin Laden. He has this ad out praising himself for making a decision 98% of people would have made. “When I saw the stove was hot, I made the bold decision not to put my face on it.” And then he’s trying to claim Romney wouldn’t make that decision because only Obama when presented with the choice, “Should we go ahead and get bin Laden?” was bold enough to say, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Obama will get some mileage out of taking down bin Laden… but only if he doesn’t overplay it. But he can’t help but overplay it because it’s all he has. That’s it. He has no other accomplishment to mention on the campaign trail — and I don’t count Obamacare or the “stimulus” because everyone hates those. The only thing is for him to say, “I killed Osama! So elect me so I can once again… um… er… I killed Osama.”

* Some Navy SEALs are upset about Obama’s victory lap about bin Laden when all he did was not get in their way while they risked their lives. As we learned from John Kerry, there’s a big risk in Democrats acting all tough on military stuff since they’re the sissy party and everyone knows it. And at least John Kerry was actually in the military; all Obama did was not interfere too much with what Bush had already got in motion. The more Obama talks about it, the more people are going to think, “So all Obama did before office was attack what our military was doing and now it’s the one thing he wants credit for?”

Also, if he’s still claiming that the economy is still Bush’s fault — despite Obama doing tons of stuff about it — aren’t the military successes also Bush’s fault — especially since Obama has done many less changes there?

* In the argument of who is better for dogs — super important for this election year — Mitt Romney once saved a dog’s life. For Obama, saving a dog involves using Tupperware.

* Wind farms may cause global warming. So what do we do? Do we make fun of the idea of global warming? Or do we accept global warming so we can make fun of wind farms? I think I’ll just point and laugh, “Haw haw!”

* Sunny has a new video in which she explores Tea Party racism:

* Wisdom of the Day from Dan McLaughlin:

“Forward”: Because “Yes We Can” was way too specific.

* The squeaky wheel gets the Wikipedia page. I noticed that if you put “Frank J. Fleming” into google, the first suggestion was “Frank J. Fleming wiki” which means people are trying to look me up on Wikipedia but I didn’t exist there. So I thought I’d just mention that on teh Twitters, and now I have a page. And it’s been up a couple days now so I guess Wikipedia has officially deemed me as “notable.” That’s right; I’m on my way up. Next step: fame and fortune.

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Nuke the News: We Need a Bailout Bailout

* Biden wants to assure us that Obama has a big stick.

Have you seen any features on what Biden is like out of politics? I mean, is he this dumb in real life? The guy comes off as Lenny from Of Mice and Men given public office. Except when he accidentally breaks a puppies neck, Obama eats them.

And as for Obama wielding a “big stick,” do you think he’ll use it against anyone other than his own citizens who don’t like giant government.

* I can’t believe Obama ever thought of attacking Romney on flip flopping. Does Obama want to portray himself as someone who won’t change his ways — i.e., we’re going to get this exact same inept awfulness for another four years?

Then again, the other attack idea from Obama is to portray Romney as an extreme right-wing conservative. Seems like a hard feat when Romney couldn’t himself convince Republicans he’s even a regular conservative.

* Poor Obama, he thinks his problem is that we just don’t understand him. In fact, I think I wrote a book on how Obama is just too beyond us that we lash out at him in fear. Maybe he could give speeches to better explain things to us since he’s supposed to be such a great speaker. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work. Maybe he could be all petulant and play golf a lot. Oh, he tried that and that didn’t work either. Well, maybe he can just shout, “You all don’t deserve me!” and then not run for reelection. That’s a great idea; he should do that.

* Obama has solved one problem — one he seemed determined not to solve: illegal immigration. Ends up we didn’t need border fences or deportation or Mexi-cannons — all we needed was a horrible economy. Thanks Obama for your outside the box thinking on this one.

* I can’t believe they’re making student loans an issue for this election. I just paid off mine last year, and if there is a bailout for student loans, I’ll be so mad. It seems like those of us who play by the rules are just constantly having to pay for the bad choices of stupid people. Can’t there be a bailout for people who aren’t idiots? Like can’t we confiscate whatever little money idiots have left and distribute it to people like me? I.e., I want a piece of the profits from the lottery.

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Nuke the News: Stop Giving Moron Kids Giant Loans

* Obama and Romney have been going on about student loans lately. Apparently we’re in a crisis with those. Obama says he only paid his off eight years ago (I finally paid mine off last year). It does seem like an idiotic situation we’re in, but since it seems to be mainly a government made problem, I’m not sure how more government is going to help.

Let’s say someone goes to a bank and says, “Hey, I’m an idiotic eighteen-year-old. Want to give me a hundred thousand dollar loan?” The bank would send out the security to beat the teenager with sticks and everyone would end up the better for it. But instead, we have the government guaranteeing those idiotic loans so they get made anyway. It’s supposed to be we’re investing in our kids education, but as you can see from the college grads in Occupy Wall Street, mutual funds would be a much better investment. How about we stop this crisis by doing the logical thing and not giving moron teenagers the ability to go deeply into debt since most sensible banks would never give them that money in the first place without meddlesome government intervention?

* Gingrich is thinking about suspending his campaign. Probably with the combination of landslide losses, being deeply in debt, and pretty much everyone ignoring that the primary is still going on, he’s thinking maybe he won’t win the nomination. That guy has a mind like a steel trap.

* It looks like Romney’s strategy will be to portray Obama as a nice guy who is in over his head as president. So I guess Romney isn’t going to talk about how Obama is a dog-eating son of a polygamist who launched his political career from a terrorist’s house and who’s spiritual adviser is a crazed, racist conspiracy theorist. Instead, Romney is just going to focus on how horrible Obama has been at absolutely everything as president. Seems like a good strategy.

Personally, I’ll probably focus a bit on the dog-eating, though.

* The Supreme Court is hearing arguments over the Arizona immigration law. The federals government under Obama wants to not enforce its laws and thinks that supersedes the states’ rights to enforce them. Let’s just feel lucky we don’t have a more liberal court or they’d probably just rule borders as racist and illegal.

* My favorite comic, Axe Cop, is going to be made into a TV show for FOX. In these trying times, what our nation needs is a no-nonsense cop with an axe.

So are they going to have the now eight-year-old Malachai Nicolle actually write the series? I don’t think any adult will be able to quite recreate his creative genius. Children are just better at creativity; we eventually put limits on our own thinking as we grow older and slowly lose that ability. Not me, though, because I’m awesome (and as proof I’m awesome, I have a parodying drawing of the cover of my book by Axe Cop artist Ethan Nicolle).

UPDATE: linked by Darth Chipmunk

UPDATE: linked by Liberal Whoppers

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Nuke the News: Dog-Eaters and Other Unpopular Politicians

* I think I might be about tapped out of Obama dog-eating jokes. Eh, I’m sure I’ll think of more eventually. Anyway, there’s now a Dogs Against Obama website. Here’s a video from it:

And here’s a special video about the most terrorized dog out there, Bo:

If you told me as a kid that we’d have a black president, I’d say, “Of course. I always assumed we would.” But if you told me we’d have a president who ate dogs, I’d say, “What! The Soviets win?!”

* Now that the general election is pretty much underway, who is up for some more VP speculation? Much of it is focused on Marco Rubio who is going to be giving some “major foreign policy speech” for some reason. Is he prepping himself for the national stage? The only problem is that the World Net Daily says Rubio isn’t eligible to be president and that the toaster over is spying on them.

The other name mentioned a lot is Rob Portman who is the the governor of Ohio who sjdaklja…

Whoops, I fell asleep there. He’s apparently the boring safe choice. Boring might be good, though. We can’t all have exciting picks like Joe Biden who just the other day referred to the Florida everglades as the “ever-gators.” That guy is full of endless amusement.

* Hey, I have an idea for something the GOP can declare a war on — how about a “War on People Looking for Distractions from How Bad Obama Has Been at Being President.” I mean, the dog stuff is fun and all, but let’s not forget about how absolutely terrible Obama is at everything. A lot of people think Obama has a good shot at being reelected, but I really don’t think they’re factoring in the horrible at being president enough into their calculations.

* John Edwards has a 3% approval rating right now. Did he eat a dog too?

Hey do you remember how, despite being an obvious horrible phony to anyone with a lick of sense, he was the Democrats choice for VP in 2004? And then the Daily Kos flocked behind him in 2008 as the real progressive concerned about the poor and suffering? Let us never forget. The left would literally line up behind Hitler if Hitler learned to parrot the right stuff about “women’s health issues” and such.

* Jon Huntsman compared the GOP to the Communist Chinese for some reason, and of course Slate is encouraging him to form a third party.

“Party of one for Mr. Huntsman.”

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Nuke the News: When Will Obama Address His Dog-Eating?

* As you can see in the Village Voice post Harvey linked this morning, some liberals seem to be having trouble understanding what’s so funny about the president eating a dog and why the right keeps making jokes about it. I’ll try to explain: OBAMA ATE A DOG!

* Obama still hasn’t addressed the American people about his dog eating. There are many unanswered questions, such as is he sorry about it, and how many dogs has he eaten, and when did he last eat one, and will he promise to America’s children whether he’ll stop eating their puppies. People need to know, yet he stands there silent… perhaps digesting a dog.

And hey, Obama, it’s either talk about this or about what a lousy president you are.

* Got a fund raising email from Newt Gingrich touting how he’s the last conservative left in the presidential race. Come on, dude. I mean, there’s being positive, and there’s being a crazy psycho. You’re kind of teetering over the edge there.

* So how is everyone adjusting to the knowledge that Romney is our nominee? It could be worse. He’s well-spoken, he has economic knowledge, and he’s never eaten a dog. We could win this.

* Zimmerman is out of prison on bail. I notice how many on the left are super hopeful they can turn this Zimmerman thing into a push for more gun control — as they were the last couple high profile shootings to no effect. They don’t really think these things through. Like, how many people are honestly worried about getting shot by the neighborhood watch? I’d think most of those people are criminals, and they don’t usually turn out in large numbers at the polls despite how much that would help the Democrats. Yet, hopeful liberals are always thinking that anytime a tragedy happens people will just throw up their hands and say, “That’s it; let’s give up on this freedom idea. Liberals: You tell us what to do to keep us safe.” Not going to happen; not while there’s a few people left who call themselves Americans with pride.

* Here’s an interesting idea: Have people for Congress chosen at random. Like jury duty (BTW, I just got a summons for jury duty — it sucks!). I can see a lot of advantages to it, as this whole electing people give those idiots an inflated sense of pride that wouldn’t happen if they were just chosen at random. And it’s not like we could accidentally find anyone too dumb for the job — it’s just voting yes or no on stuff. It’s worth consideration; random means less of a chance we end up with sociopaths as our current election system seems specially designed to weed them out of society and put them in positions of power.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jim Treacher:

To all my liberal friends: Just imagine how much fun you’d have had if George Bush was a dog-eater. Then double it. #ObamaEatsDogs

* Jay Leno has noticed that Republicans are more willing to laugh at themselves than Democrats are. I’ve certainly noticed that; at times, one could almost perceive IMAO as making fun of conservatives as we find it funny to laugh at our stereotypes. I don’t see the same thing very much with the left — part of that is because they consider their politics super serial, and the other is they lack self-awareness.

That’s okay. They don’t have to make jokes about themselves; we’ll gladly do that for them.

Did you hear that the president ate a dog?

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UPDATE: Linked by The Daily Caller

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