In My World: The Weirder Candidate

“We need to portray Romney as a weirdo they can’t trust,” President Obama said in his strategy meeting. “That way, everyone will want to keep the country in my steady hands; they can see how well I putt.”

“We have a problem, though,” David Axelrod said. “Some weird stuff has come up about your past.”

Obama rolled his eyes. “This isn’t about that time I shot and ate a Chinaman, is it? They can’t dredge that up since I was only twenty-four at the time. And it’s not like something I’d normally do because I was high on coke. And nowadays, I lock myself in a room before doing blow.”

“No, it’s not that,” Axelrod said.

“Is this about Jeremiah Wright, then? My association with him shows I’m religious just like all those invisible sky fairy worshipers in the fly over states. I even participated in church activities like when I drove around with Wright and beat up white kids. I didn’t quite get the point of it, but I don’t really understand religion. What do we have against Satan again?”

“No, it’s not about that,” Axelrod said.

Obama sighed. “They’re not bringing up William Ayers again, are they? I barely knew the guy and hardly any of the bombs I made for him successfully went off.”

“No, that’s not it either.”

“Did they find my second wife? Romney can’t make an issue of that because his great-grandfather was a polygamist. And so what if she’s in al Qaeda; they’re hardly a threat anymore.”

“No not that. Here, I’ll show you.”

Axelrod turned on the TV. On screen was Mitt Romney talking to the press. “It’s come to my attention that Barack Obama has eaten dogs. While I’ve never personally met someone in the middle class, I’ve been credibly informed they don’t like it when people eat dogs. If I owned a dog as a child, I’d never have eaten him. Of course, as a rich person, my pet was instead a pygmy albino gorilla named Reginald. He did eat a dog, and I was very cross at him for it and locked him in his gorilla pen all night and didn’t give him the vintage Merlot he signed for.”

“What?” Obama exclaimed. “They’re bringing that up?! But I was only six… when I started. And we’re really careful to make sure each replacement Bo looks just like the last.”

“Still,” Axelrod said, “it makes you seem a little weird.”

“Romney can’t portray me as weird! He’s the weird one! He’s a Mormon, which means he wears magic underwear… which is way different than the cursed underwear I wear and am unable to take off.”

“Have you tried taking them off?”

“I TOLD YOU THEY’RE CURSED!” Obama screamed. “Anyway, the public will like me again when I finally get them the unicorns I promised them in my 2008 campaign. When do we show the public the breeding pair we found?”

“Um… don’t you remember? You killed and ate them.”

Obama thought for a moment. “No, I don’t remember. We really need better locks on my recreation room.”

“Anyway, the dog-eating isn’t all bad.” Axelrod handed Obama a memo. “When we polled who people like more, a dog-eater or the person responsible for the current state of the economy, the dog-eater polled much better. It might be better to keep people focused on that than on other things.”

Obama nodded. “Then I will do nothing but publicly eat dogs until the election.”

“And maybe start eating live kittens at some point if people begin to lose interest.”

“Consider it done!” Obama stood up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wind down. Get the locks ready.”

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UPDATE: linked by Darth Chipmunk

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15 Fun Facts About Obama Eating a Dog

I swear I *really* want to stop talking about this subject, but something keeps drawing me back in.

Maybe if I type out a some of these annoying thoughts swirling around my head, I can make it all go away.

The worst part about Obama eating a dog? None of the toadies on his staff had the guts to tell him he still had whiskers stuck in his teeth. Whiskers was the name of the dog.

1) In 1972, a Uruguayan rugby team’s airplane crashed in the Andes mountains, and some of them ate human flesh to survive. Unlike Barack Obama, none of them ate a dog.

2) If a liberal defends Obama’s dog-eating, just say – slowly, and with an honestly-confused look on your face – “yeah… but… Obama. Ate. A. Dog.” Ironically, said liberal will then get angry enough to bite the head off a terrier.

3) Obama supposedly ate a dog to gain its powers. Was his goal to lick his own privates, or did he just want to eat cat turds out of a litter box?

4) Speaking of dog-powers, Koreans regularly eat dogs, yet unlike a dog, North Korea has yet to successfully launch into Earth orbit. What’s up with that?

5) Many Americans are skeptical about whether Obama actually ate a dog, since he has yet to release his original, long-form recipe.

6) Some people are demanding that Obama apologize for eating a dog. Others call the notion ridiculous and insist that nothing short of reparations will suffice.

7) At a press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney responded to inquiries on Obama’s dog-eating by saying “it’s just a distraction”, and NOT – as some outlets reported – “a dachshund.”

8) The thing that angers liberals most about “Obama ate a dog” jokes is that they don’t make the people who tell them look racist.

9) And you thought Glenn Reynolds had trouble shaking the “puppy blender” moniker…

10) Obama never actually said he ate a dog. He only said he was “introduced to dog meat.” Begging the question, “after the introductions were over, when did he say his goodbyes?”

11) Meriwether Lewis (of Lewis and Clark fame) also ate dog. However, historians have yet to discover a single hilarious photoshopped image of him doing so.

12) Although Obama has promised that his dog-eating days are behind him, he was recently caught on a hot mic telling Russian President Dmitry Medvedev that, after the election, he’d have the “flexibility” to “chew on a dog” if Putin said his name 3 times.

13) Obama eating a dog is just a distraction from the real issues this country faces, like OBAMA ATE ROASTED GRASSHOPPER! Are we avoiding this discussion just because Mitt Romney never strapped a grasshopper to the roof of his car? The man ate a bug! And he wasn’t even being chased by Reavers!

14) Can you imagine how irritated feminists would be at the jokes being made if Obama had eaten a cat?

15) Hopefully, Obama eating a dog will finally make dogs seriously reflect and ask themselves, “why do they ate us?”. Also, they should reflect on their poor grammar skills.

And, because I’m sure you guys need to get it out of your systems, I’ll be awarding High Praise! to the worst “Obama ate a dog” pun that gets left in the comments. Allow me to set the bar nice & low:

“Why did Obama brag about eating a dog? Doesn’t he know that Americans find that re-pug-nant?”

UPDATE: High Praise! to Les for setting the bar so low even Hermes Conrad couldn’t limbo under it.

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Nuke the News: Dog-Eaters and Other Unpopular Politicians

* I think I might be about tapped out of Obama dog-eating jokes. Eh, I’m sure I’ll think of more eventually. Anyway, there’s now a Dogs Against Obama website. Here’s a video from it:

And here’s a special video about the most terrorized dog out there, Bo:

If you told me as a kid that we’d have a black president, I’d say, “Of course. I always assumed we would.” But if you told me we’d have a president who ate dogs, I’d say, “What! The Soviets win?!”

* Now that the general election is pretty much underway, who is up for some more VP speculation? Much of it is focused on Marco Rubio who is going to be giving some “major foreign policy speech” for some reason. Is he prepping himself for the national stage? The only problem is that the World Net Daily says Rubio isn’t eligible to be president and that the toaster over is spying on them.

The other name mentioned a lot is Rob Portman who is the the governor of Ohio who sjdaklja…

Whoops, I fell asleep there. He’s apparently the boring safe choice. Boring might be good, though. We can’t all have exciting picks like Joe Biden who just the other day referred to the Florida everglades as the “ever-gators.” That guy is full of endless amusement.

* Hey, I have an idea for something the GOP can declare a war on — how about a “War on People Looking for Distractions from How Bad Obama Has Been at Being President.” I mean, the dog stuff is fun and all, but let’s not forget about how absolutely terrible Obama is at everything. A lot of people think Obama has a good shot at being reelected, but I really don’t think they’re factoring in the horrible at being president enough into their calculations.

* John Edwards has a 3% approval rating right now. Did he eat a dog too?

Hey do you remember how, despite being an obvious horrible phony to anyone with a lick of sense, he was the Democrats choice for VP in 2004? And then the Daily Kos flocked behind him in 2008 as the real progressive concerned about the poor and suffering? Let us never forget. The left would literally line up behind Hitler if Hitler learned to parrot the right stuff about “women’s health issues” and such.

* Jon Huntsman compared the GOP to the Communist Chinese for some reason, and of course Slate is encouraging him to form a third party.

“Party of one for Mr. Huntsman.”

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Now the animals know: Obama ate a dog

It is no longer a secret to the animal world. They know the truth: Obama ate a dog.

[Direct link]
Now that the animals know, what will they do? Will plagues descend upon this nation? Frogs, lice, flies, locust…?

All because Obama ate a dog.

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Obama: Eating Dogs Was How America Was Built

ELYRIA, OHIO (AP) – At a campaign fundraising event, President Barack Obama accused his Republican rivals of trying to restrict America’s dietary choices instead of promoting the consumption of dog meat to help the middle class. Obama said those Republicans “don’t seem to remember how America was built.”

“Free the slaves! Fricassee the Shih Tzus!

“History records,” intoned Obama, “that when the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth rock, the friendly, peaceful natives were there to shower them with gifts of Schnauzer steaks and corned Collie. During the toughest hours at Valley Forge, our brave revolutionary soldiers ate the toughest meat – which, of course, is dog – to give them the strength to defeat the weak and crumpet-munching British.”

“Benjamin Franklin himself,” the President reminded his audience, “is famous for coining the aphorism ‘a poodle seared is a poodle burned,’ reminding a young nation that we must remain diligently watchful of our most precious gifts, like liberty and Lhasa Apsos.”

“When Abraham Lincoln built the intercontinental railroad during the middle of the Civil War, what do you think he fed the thousands of Chinese workers? That’s right – cat. But the millions of undocumented Mexicans who helped were definitely chomping Chihuahua.”

In a press release, Republican presidential front-runner Mitt Romney’s campaign derided the president’s statement as “historically ignorant.”

“The President is engaging in the worst sort of liberal revisionism. As our founding documents so eloquently disclaim, ‘no dogs were harmed in the making of these Free and Independent States.'”


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Nuke the News: When Will Obama Address His Dog-Eating?

* As you can see in the Village Voice post Harvey linked this morning, some liberals seem to be having trouble understanding what’s so funny about the president eating a dog and why the right keeps making jokes about it. I’ll try to explain: OBAMA ATE A DOG!

* Obama still hasn’t addressed the American people about his dog eating. There are many unanswered questions, such as is he sorry about it, and how many dogs has he eaten, and when did he last eat one, and will he promise to America’s children whether he’ll stop eating their puppies. People need to know, yet he stands there silent… perhaps digesting a dog.

And hey, Obama, it’s either talk about this or about what a lousy president you are.

* Got a fund raising email from Newt Gingrich touting how he’s the last conservative left in the presidential race. Come on, dude. I mean, there’s being positive, and there’s being a crazy psycho. You’re kind of teetering over the edge there.

* So how is everyone adjusting to the knowledge that Romney is our nominee? It could be worse. He’s well-spoken, he has economic knowledge, and he’s never eaten a dog. We could win this.

* Zimmerman is out of prison on bail. I notice how many on the left are super hopeful they can turn this Zimmerman thing into a push for more gun control — as they were the last couple high profile shootings to no effect. They don’t really think these things through. Like, how many people are honestly worried about getting shot by the neighborhood watch? I’d think most of those people are criminals, and they don’t usually turn out in large numbers at the polls despite how much that would help the Democrats. Yet, hopeful liberals are always thinking that anytime a tragedy happens people will just throw up their hands and say, “That’s it; let’s give up on this freedom idea. Liberals: You tell us what to do to keep us safe.” Not going to happen; not while there’s a few people left who call themselves Americans with pride.

* Here’s an interesting idea: Have people for Congress chosen at random. Like jury duty (BTW, I just got a summons for jury duty — it sucks!). I can see a lot of advantages to it, as this whole electing people give those idiots an inflated sense of pride that wouldn’t happen if they were just chosen at random. And it’s not like we could accidentally find anyone too dumb for the job — it’s just voting yes or no on stuff. It’s worth consideration; random means less of a chance we end up with sociopaths as our current election system seems specially designed to weed them out of society and put them in positions of power.

* Wisdom of the Day from Jim Treacher:

To all my liberal friends: Just imagine how much fun you’d have had if George Bush was a dog-eater. Then double it. #ObamaEatsDogs

* Jay Leno has noticed that Republicans are more willing to laugh at themselves than Democrats are. I’ve certainly noticed that; at times, one could almost perceive IMAO as making fun of conservatives as we find it funny to laugh at our stereotypes. I don’t see the same thing very much with the left — part of that is because they consider their politics super serial, and the other is they lack self-awareness.

That’s okay. They don’t have to make jokes about themselves; we’ll gladly do that for them.

Did you hear that the president ate a dog?

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UPDATE: Linked by The Daily Caller

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Random Thoughts: Obama Eating a Dog Is Still Funny

Romney won’t eat a cookie, Obama will eat a dog… WHAT’S THE WORLD COMING TO?!!

Did anyone really believe the neighbors and police all made up Zimmerman’s injuries? This is a street shooing, not an X-Files conspiracy.

I’d shake Obama’s hand for how he’s protecting us from all those greedy rich people, but I don’t have a spare $1000.

You people aren’t getting it; the reason Obama ate a dog is because he’s experienced other cultures and is better than you.

I dream of a future for my children where race hustlers are shunned as much as racists.

Obama really needs to do a prime-time speech in which he assures the nation’s children he will stop eating their pets.

HER: “Albatross is a bird? Since it’s from that ‘water water everywhere’ poem, I thought it was a fish.”

Fact: Obama ate a dog. Fact in Context: DUDE ATE A DOG!!1!11!!

I don’t think Obama eating a dog disqualifies him from the presidency. It just make him a weirdo we should all be very very suspicious of.

Not sure how I’d work Obama’s dog eating into “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.” I guess it makes him cultured.

I guess the writing half of my career is like the engineering half in that I have no idea what I’m doing but I seem to be succeeding.

Man, I got a summons for jury duty… on my birthday! Stupid government.

Never had jury duty before. How do I get out of this? Just tell them I’m racist? I don’t like races.

Can’t I just explain to them I’m an important engineer and writer? Aren’t there old people who can do this instead?

It’s not that I don’t like justice; I just don’t care that much about it.

What I hate about the courthouse is that it’s full of criminals yet they won’t let me bring a gun.

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Treacher Trolls Village Voice Over Obama Dog Jokes, Hilarity Ensues

Don’t know which is funnier – the fact that the snooties at Village Voice “slammed” Frank J with an Evelyn Waugh reference because his OBAMA ATE A DOG jokes hurt their feelings, or the fact that in the comments, Jim Treacher trolls the crap out of the Village Voice readership, and they just keep crying louder and coming back for more:

Just a small sample:

Daphne: ya know tho, in a way he is winning. Not the contest he imagines, of course, but the doubling down on a pathetic punchline must be worthy of some kind of prize.

itisdancing: Well, he has some competition in the second grade. Although he has a better attention span than the average second-grader. You have to give him that.

Jim Treacher: Did you hear the one about Obama eating a dog?

Jim Treacher: The prize is your anger.

itisdancing: Anger? Oh, you poor dear.

Jim Treacher: In your case, it’s just strong irritation. Daphne, though… my word.

Q: How many Village Voice readers does it take to defend Obama’s dog-eating?


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UPDATE: Linked by Doug Ross

UPDATE: Linked by Liberal Whoppers

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Volunteers Wanted: Obama Ate a Dog Singalong Project

Innomonatus is taking the whole “Obama Ate a Dog” thing in a new and interesting direction:

I’ve just started on my next parody song, “We don’t eat dogs” to the tune of We Are the World… It would be EPICALLY AWESOME if everybody in our little corner of the blogosphere contributed a line or two, as was done in the original.

Basically what he’s asking for is volunteers to record themselves singing a couple lines. He’ll write the lyrics and do all the mixing. All you have to do is make a tiny little audio file & email it to him.

And don’t let lack of singing ability stop you. Remember, Bob Dylan sang in the original “We Are the World”, and that man couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket with a forklift.

Details here.

Tell him Harvey sent you.

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Frequently Asked Questions: Mitt Romney and Cookiegate

Having been completely decimated in the Wars on both Women and Dogs that they themselves started, Democrats are now going hammer & tongs to change the narrative to the “War on Cookies,” somehow believing that THIS time they’ll come out on top.

Since everyone’s too freaked out by the fact that President Obama has proudly proclaimed that HE ATE A DOG to pay attention to what’s going on elsewhere, I’m offering this little FAQ to help explain the situation that the vapid make-up mannikins in the liberal media are desperately trying to label “Cookiegate.”

You’d never catch Obama snubbing fresh bakery cookies

What is Cookiegate?

At a campaign event in Pennsylvania, Mitt Romney was viewing a spread of various picnic foods and commented, “I’m not sure about these cookies. They don’t look like you made them… they came from the local 7-Eleven… bakery or wherever.” Turns out they were from a local bakery that was offended at being compared to a soulless, multinational corporation that uses Chinese orphan-labor to produce it’s baked goods.

Too complicated. Let’s start with the basics. What’s a cookie?

A small piece of tracking code that websites download to your computer which can be printed out and served at picnics.

Has Mitt Romney ever strapped a cookie to the roof of his car?

A liberal media distortion. He placed cookies into a picnic basket to protect them from the elements and then strapped the basket to the roof of his car.

Is it true that President Obama once ate a cookie?

Undetermined. Obama mentions it in his autobiography, “Treats From My Father,” but some sources say that cookies are actually quite scarce in Indonesia, and that eating them is generally frowned upon.

Ewwww! Why would anyone eat a cookie?

Some people believe that consuming an oven-prepared confection gives you the powers of that confection. This seemingly bizarre belief probably stems from the fact that habitual cookie-eaters eventually become round and doughy.

Interesting theory. Does Obama now seem to possess magical cookie-powers?

No. Although he sometimes acts in a cookie-like fashion, only actual cookies have the power to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, and to pay the debts and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States.

Ok, so what’s a “gate” have to do with anything? Did Romney use a cookie to access an area enclosed by a fence?

No, the suffix “-gate” is typically applied to words as a shorthand way of indicating a political scandal. It comes from the Watergate Hotel, which operatives of President Nixon’s reelection campaign broke into to steal cookies from in June of 1972.

Did Nixon have a cookie?

A common misconception. Nixon had a dog named Checkers, who was shipped to Indonesia and eaten by a 10-year-old Barack Obama that same year.

Are there any cookie-eaters in the United States?

Although once quite popular in some isolated populations, the practice fell out of favor around the time that Sesame Street turned Cookie Monster into Fruity Monster.

What is The Matrix?

It’s very much like a cookie, except with better sunglasses. The other notable difference being that no one ever complains that the second and third cookies aren’t as good as the first.

Hope that clears things up.

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Obama’s Got a New Nickname

[High Praise! to Hunter]

Yeah, that’s not a typo.

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Nuke the News: Still on the Dog Thing

In my new New York Post column, I talk about how on spending, our country is a car speeding towards a cliff. That gives us two options: The boring one and the Evel Knievel one.

I know it’s a little scary, and some of you recall that your mother warned you not to jump off cliffs just because other kids were doing it. But what if one of the people urging you to go over a cliff is Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman? Then it’s probably worth ignoring your mother and trying.

Read. Laugh. Share. Bathe.

* We thought Obama eating a dog was bad, but then look what Romney did: he said something insulting about a cookie. On the ridiculous outrage scale from 0 to “Ate a Dog”, it ranks at OBAMA ATE A DOG!!!

* Obama is a man of the people, and for $1000 you can shake his hand. For $2000, he won’t eat your dog.

* There’s also a new fundraiser where you get to meet Obama and George Clooney at George Clooney’s house. Lassie was also going to be there, but, well, you know.


* Some are wondering whether Obama actually did eat dog because dog meat is hard to find in Indonesia. Of course, Obama’s step dad sought out those meats including grasshopper and snake so that he and Obama could absorb their powers. Which leads to the obvious question: Did it work? Did Obama get snake powers? He certainly didn’t get loyalty powers from eating a dog.

* Reid is constantly trying to set the record for dumbest thing said in the Capitol… even though he’s always just trying to top the record he set previously. For this entry, he rambled on about how much old people love junk mail. When are we finally going to put him in a home? He just seems so lost and confused by everything all the time. He could accidentally do something crazy like EAT A DOG.

* Michelle Bachmann used the phrase “tar baby” and some people think that’s racist. I thought we went over this before when Tony Snow use the term: It’s not racist and you’re an idiot.

I keep wondering if people are going to call this Obama eats a dog stuff racist. Eating a dog is not a black stereotype, though; that’s just an Obama thing. Because he’s weird.

* People are going to receive unemployment while working. Here’s an idea: Why don’t you just not take away the tax money for that in the first place. Same effect, but with less costly bureaucracy in between.

I don’t know how to relate this one to Obama eating a dog.

* Even Senator McCain is making fun of Obama eating a dog. I would have thought this would be the sort of thing he would have called off limits in his 2008 campaign, but I guess one just can’t help but make fun of it. THE DUDE ATE A DOG!!!11!!elventy!1!!!

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Random Thoughts: Dog Cookies

Did I miss March Madness?

Maybe Obama can convince people he’s just like them by writing another memoir.

I just thumbed up a Nickelback song on Pandora. Take that, civilization!

The fact that God made the world in seven days is even more impressive when you realize it wasn’t until the third day that He made the coffee bean.

I don’t get the “silver spoon” crack Obama made. Why is he going after his own daughters?

Gingrich has Secret Service to protect him from terrorists who want to kill the future president and don’t follow politics very well.

If I were the president’s political adviser, I’d tell him not to eat another dog until after the election.

If that seems hard, he could try eating cats like Alf. No one cares about cats. Or Alf.

I charge $500 an hour for my political advice. It’s a bargain.

As I understand it, the new scandal is that Obama is baking dogs into cookies and trying to trick Romney into eating them.

OBAMA: “Why is the Senator from California here?”
AIDE: “I thought you said you wanted Boxer for dinner.”

I hate it when a country list on a website doesn’t put USA first. We didn’t win those wars to have to hunt through a dropdown.

If an old person had to perform a simple task in linux, I think it would kill him.

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Tastes Like… Ricky Schroder???

OBAMA: “I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth.”

Nope. It wasn’t a Silver Spoon… it was a Golden Retriever!

He is never gonna live this one down, folks. This is comedy gold! All your talking points are belong to us!!!

[♪ Together we’re gonna find our way… ♪]


•OBAMA to ROMNEY: “You don’t tie a dog to the roof of your car, everyone knows you tie the meat to the front grill!”

•ROMNEY had a dog on the roof of his car… OBAMA had a dog on the roof of his mouth!

•”Look out, Bo! That’s not a bathtub… it’s a roasting pan!!!”

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Link of the Day: Did Obama Lie About Eating Dog?

[High Praise! to Joan of Argghh!]

Indonesian Source: Obama Would Have to Hunt for Dog Meat in Jakarta

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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