[conceptual hat tip: Dylan]
I know Obama prefers burgers, but I’m guessing that he ate a lot of Chinese food on his recent trip.

I also assume that Chinese Chinese food comes with a fortune cookie, just like American Chinese food.

Which leads to the obvious speculative query: what fortunes did Obama get in his fortune cookies?

I speculate thusly:

---

* You do good job! Take a bow!

* If you have bad news to break, leave town and let Holder guy do it.

* You look better wearing Mao jacket. Everyone look better wearing Mao jacket. Whole world wear Mao jacket soon!

* You will try something new - a terrorist in New York City.

* China cold like Chicago. Bring heavy coat.

* Save lives. Make Biden walk.

* Prosperity is coming. Just tax it until it go away.

* Why you let wife go out in public dressed like that?

* Today you meet friend from long ago. Tomorrow you throw him under bus.

* Seriously, where birth certificate?

---

If you’ve gone through Obama’s trash recently and found any of his old fortune cookie fortunes, feel free to share in the comments.

[hat tip: Laurie]

There’s plenty of disturbing stuff in this picture: Michelle’s “worst Catwoman EVAH!”; Barack’s… what?… Mr. Rogers?… and the fact that Chewbacca is calmly standing next to a Stormtrooper instead of ripping his arms off and beating him to death with them (Wookies have been known to do that).

But what’s REALLY bugging me is… what’s the deal with the two Klansmen in the upper left?

UPDATE 10pm: Just to the right of the Klansmen… is that Riff Raff?

… to Frank’s theory that Obama is an 8-year-old girl.

He’s a 10-year-old boy, as proven by this photograph of him taken immediately after his first meeting with Hugo Chavez:

That Obama would look completely awesome with an Evil Spock goatee:

UPDATE 10-26-09

I said an EVIL SPOCK goatee, not that prissy little moustache/beard combo that Lenin had:

Are they accusing Obama of being Buddhist?

I think someone’s pulling a Tawana, here.

The Obamas recently acquired a variety of art works with which to decorate the White House.

Let’s see how well you know your art.

Below you will find a picture of one of the new White House works, followed by two possible titles. See if you can pick the right one.

Good luck!

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Ed Ruscha (1983)

A) I Think I’ll…
B) Afghanistan Policy

*****

Richard Diebenkorn (1955)

A) Berkeley no. 52
B) Refrigerator Reject

*****

Josef Albers (1961)

A) Homage to the Square: Elected II
B) It’s Art Because It’s Off-Center

*****

Nicolas De Stael (1954)

A) Nice
B) “A White Guy, An Indian, And A Black Guy Walk Into A Bar…”

*****

Glenn Ligon (1992)
[The phrase "All traces of the Griffin I had been were wiped from existence," repeats in all caps on the canvas, slowly overlapping until the words disappear into black.]

A) Black Like Me #2
B) “No Beer And No TV Make Homer… something something”

*****

Edgar Degas (c. 1896-1911, cast 1919-32)

A) The Bow
B) Pinched One Off

*****

Alma Thomas (1963)

A) Watusi (Hard Edge)
B) South Park: Cutting Room Floor

*****

Alma Thomas (1973)

A) Sky Light
B) Currier & Ives & Blender

*****

George Catlin (c. 1861-69)

A) A Foot War Party in Council - Mandan
B) No Squaw, No Firewater

*****

George Catlin (c. 1861-69)

A) Buffalo Chase, With Accidents
B) Shouldn’t Have Been Texting

*****

Winslow Homer (1875)

A) Sunset Beaching The Boat
B) A Boat Full Of His Promises

*****

Sam Francis (1960)

A) The White Line
B) Zamboni Accident

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944)

A) Children Dance
B) “Braaaaaainssss…”

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944)

A) Flower to Teacher
B) When Cousins Marry

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944)

A) Folk Family
B) Velcro Dress

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944-45)

A) Booker T. Washington Legend
B) “You lie!”

---

UPDATE 10-11-09 - In the comments, Aletha (who has an art blog and some talent) defended some of the artists I picked on, and I admit that not all of them deserved skewering, but I *really* have to disagree on Diebenkorn. Art is the selective recreation of reality according to the artist’s values. Diebenkorn worked very hard for a long time to paint… nothing.

He went out of his way for hours, days, weeks… to create something with no specific meaning.

Even Michael Moore (whose soul is an appalling dump heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled-up knots) doesn’t do that.

Anyway, here’s some good art to cleanse your palate (caution: may contain artistic nudity). I think you’ll be able to see the difference between what THEY think is important and what Diebenkorn values.

Every so often, something happens that changes your focus. This weekend, at a wedding, one of the scripture passages made me realize that I haven’t been the nicest person in relating to others.

For instance, I have been way too hard on Barack Obama. And I need to correct that.

It’s true that I disagree with many, many, many things he does, says, and believes. However, is he all bad? He can’t be, can he? Of course not.

So I’m going to say some nice things about the president. True stuff.

• Yesterday, we had a farewell breakfast for someone at work. I love breakfast. Under Obama’s economy, we’ll have lots more of those!
• Barack Obama hasn’t bombed America. Even by accident.
• That special family member that you worry about? You can stop worrying. If Barack Obama can amount to something, anyone can.
• Barack Obama makes people feel better about themselves. Such as racists. Think about how justified they feel about their beliefs right now.
• The president has done wonders for international relations. Look how strong France seems compared the the U.S. since Obama took office.
• Obama is not just another typical Chicago politician. Al Capone would have been able to get the Olympics.
• The president is too incompetent to be effectively evil.

I’m sure there are many other good things about Barack Obama. I just can’t think of any.

Six people arrested Tuesday evening in a small protest of Chicago’s bid for the 2016 Games were charged with mob action Wednesday.

The five men and one woman interrupted crews that were attempting to hang an Olympic laurel from the Picasso statue in Daley Plaza by dragging the Olympic banner and tossing it into the “eternal flame,” authorities said.

Apparently their protest was more effective than I would have expected.

UPDATE 9:30PM - High praise! to commenter George Guy of The Prophet of Neofederalism for proving Obama is NOT like Hitler:

Hitler was able to bring the Olympics to Berlin.

Actual billboard on I-70 in Blue Springs, MO.

I think it’s especially poignant given Friday’s Olympic bitch-slap.

Obama wants to implement tough new sanctions against Iran. Well, if this is his idea of “tough”, I suspect he may have lost more than one battle to the perforations on a roll of toilet paper.

Can’t stop being Mahmoud’s bitch

Seriously, the best he could do is “we won’t sell them gasoline”? That’s not going to affect anything, since all the cars over there are made out of logs, have stone wheels, no floorboards, and are foot-propelled. It’d be more effective to stop selling them shoes.

And there’s no point in trying to negotiate with them, either. You make a statement like “we’re concerned that you might use your nuclear program to insta-glass Tel Aviv” and they just reply with random stupid nonsense like “the Holocaust never happened”. It’s like having a conversation with an iPod Shuffle.

Besides, how will our negotiators be able to make themselves heard over the crowd of American reporters flocking around Ahmadinejad, pestering him with “Can I have your autograph Mr. Starr? You’re my second-favorite living Beatle!”

History shows that sanctions & negotiations have all the long-term effectiveness of a U2 musical fund-raising concert. If we want to destroy the Iranian regime once and for all, we need a SERIOUS strategy.

I recommend something involving a fur coat, a hooker-looking white girl, and a secret videotape.

Scoff if you want, but consider this: ACORN is now such a pariah that the IRS refuses to associate with them for fear of becoming less popular, and the IRS recently lost a popularity contest to an untreatable, pus-crusted, blistery, genital rash.

If you’ve got a better idea for getting a choke-chain around Iran’s neck, I’m all ears.

Between March 24th and November 9th, 1993, Micheal Williams of the Minnesota Timberwolves sank 97 straight freethrows, setting an NBA record.

That sort of phenomenal precision in hitting a mark remained unsurpassed until September 23rd, 2009, when President Barack Obama managed to smile exactly the same way 130 consecutive times.

[Vimeo direct link]

I stand in awe of this man’s physical prowess.

Christopher Andersen’s new book, “Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage“, exposed numerous previously undisclosed secrets about President Barack Obama. Here’s just a tiny sample:

---

Discovered at age 7 that he didn’t actually need a magic feather to fly around the circus tent.

* He isn’t actually black. He’s off-umber.

* Didn’t “pal around” with Bill Ayers, having never been officially promoted beyond “comic-relief sidekick”.

* Despite all the rumors swirling around, he really WAS the first black Czar of the Harvard Law Review.

* Mindless of the threat to national security, never - ever - even once, has he coughed into his elbow.

* Didn’t propose to Michelle until three years after he met her because he was saving up for a downpayment on a teleprompter.

* Tragically, he inherited his basketball skills from his mother’s side.

* Diagnosed with PTSD after killing that fly.

* Doesn’t understand those “secret Muslim” accusations, since five times every day he faces Mecca, kneels on his mat, and prays to Jesus.

* While negotiating with Hillary Clinton to end her primary campaign, got her to settle for the Secretary of State position instead of her original demand of “taking Bill on a tour of Chappaquiddick”.

* Once had a clogged sink full of dirty water. Bailed it out. Been a big fan ever since.

---

Anyone else who’s read the book, feel free to fill in anything I missed.

Rich Galen of Mullings observed:

“You tell ‘em Secretary Soggy Sleeves!”

If a Republican were the Secretary of Health & Human Services and, as part of the national effort to control swine flu had given the advice to “cough into your elbow” that would have been the national joke for the ensuing six weeks.

And he’s absolutely right.

Comedically speaking, there’s no difference between “plastic wrap & duct tape” and “cough into your elbow”. They’re both serious advice for real problems that can be very easily taken out of context.

For example:

“Where are you more likely to hear the phrase ‘plastic wrap & duct tape’: a Department of Homeland Security Briefing, or an episode of Dexter?”

and

“Overheard in the Clinton Oval Office: ‘I wouldn’t have been impeached if I’d done that into my elbow’”

Anyway, I encourage people to reduce this administration to a tasteless punchline whenever possible, so make today “_______ your elbow” day.

To get you started, I recommend adding the phrase “in your elbow” after every fortune cookie fortune you read. For example:

---

* “You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability.”

* “Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later.”

* “Something you lost will soon turn up.”

* “A pleasant surprise is in store for you.”

* “You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.”

* “Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities.”

* “Smiling often can make you look and feel younger.”

* “You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.”

* “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”

* “Plan for many pleasures ahead.”

* “A secret admirer will soon send a sign of affection.”

* “Love always and deeply.”

---

As always, leave your elbow-mockery in the comments.

In December, 2001, President Bush approved Public Law 107-89 declaring 9/11 to be “Patriot Day”.

In April, 2009, Congress passed and President Obama signed into law the Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act. In that Act, September 11th was officially declared “The National Day of Service and Remembrance.”

Screw you.

We know what day it is.

Fox News Legal Analyst Peter Johnson Jr. says he wants to hear 4 words from Obama:

“I hear you, America.”

He didn’t exactly read my mind on that one.

So let’s see… what 4 words would *I* want to hear from That One?

---

“I’m a ninja warrior!”

* “Here’s my birth certificate”

* “Michelle… that dress… tacky.”

* “Commie czars - all fired”

* “Ronald Reagan was right”

* “Let’s kill some terrorists!”

* “No more f@#$ing bailouts!”

* “I suck. I resign”

* “Michael Moore - shut up!”

* “Less taxing, less spending”

* “Southern border - BIG wall”

* “I’m sorry, Officer Crowley”

* “Won’t run for re-election”

---

What four words do YOU want to hear from Obama?

EXCLUSIVE!

Thanks to anonymous sources, we here at IMAO (and America is an Obamanation!) have managed to get hold of a secret communique from Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to members of the teachers’ union regarding the President’s live address to our nation’s school children this coming Tuesday:

Greetings, my fellow educators and indoctrination coordinators!

As I am certain you are well aware by now, a truly exciting day in the annals of history approaches, as our beloved President will address school children all over this quite plain and undistinguished nation on Tuesday, September 8th, to ask their help in moving this backward, bitter land of bible-clinging troglodytes forward into the glorious international collective of tomorrow.

I hope you are all as excited as I am by this new and hopeful day of change we can all believe in!

By now, you should have received your classroom kits and instructions on how to make this a true moment of insight and enlightenment for all of the good little progressives who have been entrusted to your care. Remember, our Dear Leader is counting on the cooperation of each and every one of you to help undo any damage that may have been inflicted on our poor, dear children by their awful, evil-mongering parental units during this excruciatingly long and painful summer. Thankfully, though, we have them back under our control now and with your hard work and commitment to our just and noble cause, I am quite certain that their young heads full of mush can still be molded into what our Great Society most needs — conformist worker drones.

Be certain to engage the students in the Party approved activities before, during and after The Great One’s sure-to-be awe-inspiring speech. It is imperative that we not miss this opportunity to drive home The Messiah’s message to these impressionable young children, so they can begin helping us push our agenda on the American People while we still can.

Unfortunately, some students may not be as cooperative as we might hope. Luckily, there are proven methods of dealing with their misbehavior…

[Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator]

Should that prove ineffective, there is no cause for alarm as we are including several bottles of our newest formula in your classroom kits!

Yours in Faithful “O”bedience,

Arne Duncan

United States Secretary of Education

BREAKING:
The Nose on Your Face has an exclusive copy of the original draft of the Dept. of Education’s classroom activities sheet.

Dude, if you fall off that bike and crack your skull open, you’re not getting it fixed on the taxpayer’s dime.

I’m all in favor of Tea Parties (the Taxed Enough Already kind, not the froo-froo, blue-haired, extended-pinky kind), but the folks at Tea Party Express have me scratching my head on their efforts to raise money to support their national bus tour:

“The national tea party tour will be supported by paid television ads that include the tagline: “Ask yourself this, would you be willing to put your own family into the hands of Barack Obama’s socialistic health care plan? [emphasis mine]“

[YouTube direct link]

Worst. Tagline. Ever.

A tagline is supposed to be pithy, clever, and/or memorable. Let’s see if we can shine this up a little:

---

* ObamaCare: Let’s test it out on Congress first.

* So bad, even Canadians would vote against it - if they were American and smarter.

* Like treating a paper cut with lemon juice.

* If you’re kidding, I’m not laughing. If you’re serious, I’m getting my gun.

* Like the Special Olympics or something.

* Even Sarah Palin would support putting this plan in front of a Death Panel.

* Ask yourself this, would you be willing to put your own family into the hands of the people who did Pelosi’s face lift?

* It’ll be just like the Post Office, except “going postal” will be known as “going doctoral”.

* The government will protect your health just like they protected GM & Chrysler.

* Tar. Feathers. Democrats. Some assembly required.

---

If you’ve got a tagline, drop it in the comments.

ABC quotes Rush Limbaugh:

“And if you go and take a look at this, you will find that the Obama health care logo is damn close to a Nazi swastika logo”

Is Rush right?

You tell me.

Obama says there will be no “Death Panels”.

So I’m wondering… is he saying that the government won’t start denying people care based on cost vs. expected productive value to society, or is he just saying they won’t call this cacophany of bean-counting bureaucrats a “Death Panel”?

I suspect the latter, so I expect the final Obamacare bill will empower its decision-making assemblage under a different name.

Some possibilities:

---

Caskets for Clunkers

Reaper Review Board

Cessation Commission

Termination Task Force

Curtains Committee

Departure Directorate

Burial Board

Casualty Cabinet

Funeral Forum

Eradication Convocation

Mortality Moderators

Grave Group

Monty Python Parrot Panel

---

If you were Obama, what you name YOUR “Death Panel”?

Senator Max Baucus (D-MT):

[YouTube direct link]

“It’s just so wonderful to hear him speak, it’s like a symphony”

Yeah… that’s ONE analogy. Let’s try some more.

Listening to Obama speak is like…

… that eternally long half-second between when you realize you’re going to hit the car in front of you, and the first musical tinklings of glass & metal.

… accidentally hitting “delete”, then accidentally hitting “yes” on the “are you sure?” dialog box.

… pouring milk on your cereal and watching earwigs float to the top.

… passing an exit, rounding a curve, and joining a 12-mile traffic jam.

… fumbling for a light switch and finding a wall socket

… hearing that creaking, ripping sound a tree branch makes as it separates from the trunk prior to coming through your roof.

… a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced..

… noticing the empty toilet paper roll before standing up instead of before sitting down.

… dropping a butcher knife, but keeping it from hitting the floor with a deftly-executed blade-first catch.

… hearing that awful tearing sound that inevitably accompanies stuffing 10 pounds of arrogant into a 5 pound bag.

… watching the First Lady serve soup to homeless people while wearing $540 shoes.

… listening to something with angry German facial hair… not sure what, exactly…

What’s it like for you?

In the last 10 weeks, Obama’s been golfing 10 times. During these times, there’s a press blackout, so no one can take pictures of him smoking (seriously, WHY are there no pictures of this man with a lit cigarette? If we can put a man on the moon, this should be a cakewalk). You just gotta wonder what gets said on the links.

I speculate thusly:

---

“Caddy? No, he’s my ‘Club Czar’.”

* “Can’t find the ball? Let Biden look for it. There’s no such thing as an ‘undisclosed location‘ when Joe’s around.”

* “FO!… Sorry, glare on the teleprompter… FORE!”

* “Keep that stroke off the scorecard and there’s a juicy bailout in it for you.”

* “Why wouldn’t I use the ladies’ tee? Ever seen me throw a baseball?”

* “What a slice! Don’t even bother looking for that ball, boys… they’ll find my birth certificate before you find that thing.”

* “Oops… I think I broke a window with that shot. Or was it a door?

* “Would you PLEASE tell Napolitano to stop refering to my score as a ‘man caused disaster‘?”

* “I just blew a 2-inch putt… now THAT was like the Special Olympics or something.”

* “Back nine? No way. That Brazilian chick’s back was a SOLID ten!”

* “My handicap? She’s out shopping for another $6000 handbag.”

---

Did YOU overhear anything?

Some people are angry that Glenn Beck called Obama a racist.

I’m not.

Because it’s true.

You see, it turns out that Officer Crowley and Professor Gates are both Irish.

And Obama is inviting them to the White House for a beer.

Which just perpetuates the stereotype of Irishmen as brawling drunkards.

Which may be true, but it’s still offensive.

Still, I guess this DOES bring up the question of what Batman villain Barack would be.

Based on his ability to blow off self-imposed deadlines, I’m thinking Calendar Man.

Or, considering his recent comments, maybe “The Jigger“.

In 2008, after Time Magazine headlined an article about Obama winning the South Carolina primary “Obama’s Rout Rejiggers the Race“, they were met with a storm of criticism for using the word “jig”, because it’s racist.

During Obama’s answer to that irrelevant softball on the arrest of Professor “I’ll talk to your MAMA outside!” Gates, Obama used the word “jigger” to describe the act of a black man forcibly entering a house:

“There was a report called into the police station that there might be a burglary taking place. so far so good. Right? I mean, if I was trying to jigger in — well, I guess this is my house now so it probably wouldn’t happen. Let’s say my old house in Chicago — here I’d get shot.”

I wish Obama would stop hatin’ on the African-American community.

Racism makes me sad.