The President’s Memeorial Day Speech

President Barack 0bama presided over the traditional Memorial Day services at Arlington National Cemetery earlier today, by thanking all of the Navy Corpsemen and other fallen members of our armed services present who had died protecting our nation from the scourge of Climate Change.

After solemnly laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Comic by mistake, the President delivered his Memorial Day Address to the assembled throng of military and media.

“Let me be clear,” the President said in his typical articulate, bright and clean manner, his trousers perfectly creased, “It is only because of the ultimate sacrifice of brave men and women like yourselves over the past four-hundred-some-odd years, who gave your lives raising awareness of ManBearPig across all fifty-seven states, that we have been able to keep the scourge of the pending Global Climate Catastrophe at bay. To those of you who have not been derelict in your duties, your efforts have been nothing short of… Error. Reset required. Press control-alt-delete to reboot system.

With that, the ceremony was abruptly ended and the President whisked away to a luxurious private golf course for the remainder of the day after grabbing some ice cream.

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A Presidency Calculated to Drive You MAD

From MAD Magazine. Yes, that MAD Magazine.

MAD-Magazine-Trading-Private-Bergdahl
[MAD Magazine]

Tip: Andrew Malcolm on the Facebook

Title reference

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ObamaMath

ObamaMathHarvey noticed that the national debt hasn’t changed for several months. He suggests that the Most Transparent Government Evah, run by the Smertest President Evah, has simply stopped doing math.

With all due respect, I suggest that Harvey is missing all the nuances of this Genius of Geniuses. It’s not an abandonment of math. It’s a whole new math. It’s the magical math that is ObamaMath.

Here’s how it works.

As Harvey noted, you take a total deficit of $16,699,396,000,000. Next, you increase that by $97,594,000,000. What is the new total deficit? I best you said $16,796,990,000,000. But, guess what? You’d be wrong. It’s $16,699,396,000,000.

How is that possible? ObamaMath!

That’s the same way you can have health insurance costs go up, but still be paying less. Sure, you bank account looks smaller, your take-home pay looks smaller. But that’s because you don’t apply ObamaMath.

A smaller bank balance is actually a raise in pay. And you can thank Obama for that. Well, Obama and his wonderful, magical ObamaMath.

Gas gone up to nearly twice what it was when Obama took office? Well, not really. It’s actually less. That’s because $1.869 ÷ 2 = $3.539. ObamaMath!

And, here’s a secret that many people don’t know: you too can use ObamaMath.

Walk into a grocery store, fill your shopping cart with food, give the clerk a dollar, and walk out. It’ll be okay. Just explain it’s ObamaMath.

Bank send you a credit card bill? Send them a corrected statement back, showing a $0 balance. Explain it’s ObamaMath.

There is no end to what you can accomplish with ObamaMath.

Try it!

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Gulf

HomerBrainWhat comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

I remember Gulf Oil company sponsoring TV broadcasts of space shots in the 1960s. There’s the Gulf of Mexico. Persian Gulf.

So, besides a defunct oil company, “gulf” generally means a place where the sea extends into the land. But, it can have another meaning: a deep chasm, or a gap.

On The Tonight Show With Jay Leno the other night, the president showed just how big of a dumbass he is:

If we don’t deepen our ports all along the Gulf — places like Charleston, South Carolina, or Savannah, Georgia, or Jacksonville, Florida — if we don’t do that, those ships are going to go someplace else. And we’ll lose jobs. Businesses won’t locate here.

I’ve been those cities. And, I’ve been to the Gulf coast. But never at the same time.

I’d like to think I don’t have to tell you that Jacksonville, Savannah, and Charleston are not cities on the Gulf. But, nobody seemed to tell The Smertest President Evah that those cities are on the Atlantic Ocean.

So, what comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

The right answer is: A deep chasm, or a gap. As in the deep chasm in the head of Obama, and the ones that voted for him.

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Things Named After Obama: Weed!

[High Praise! to American Digest]

Our Strain of the Union is here! A leader in it’s own right. Obama, is a heavy indica strain that is great for late afternoon or night time medication. This hard to find quintessential strain is sweet and pungent. The inhalation is smooth, resulting in a full body warmth and strong mental high. All hail as you chief!

Yes, this is a real thing.

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You’re so vain, you probably think the civil rights movement was about you

Remember when Neil Armstrong died, and Barack Obama honored the astronaut with … a picture of Obama looking at the moon?

Well, Saturday was Rosa Parks day, so what does the president do? Honors Rosa Parks with … a picture of Obama sitting on the bus, looking out the window.

Civil rights doesn’t mean this:

It means this:

It’s all about Obama.

Now, I’m not wanting to get off track and have a discussion about why Rosa Parks got all the attention and not the others who preceded here by being arrested for refusing to give up their seats. If you want some info about that, this link mentions a couple of instances.

Rather, I want to stay on target with Obama making everything about him.

I’m not sure if that’s the problem, or if the idiots that support him are the problem. A little of both actually.

Speaking of the Rosa Parks debate (which I didn’t want to get into), if they ever remake Barbershop, I’d like to see them change the script around just a little. Replace “Jesse Jackson” with “Barack Obama” (NSFW link).

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Cartoon of the day


[Source: GoComics/Lisa Benson]

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Michelle Obama’s example

Michelle Obama tells ABC she “rarely” goes to the West Wing of the White House.

Now, if we could only get Barack to follow suit.

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Name that flag!

You’ve seen that flag Obama is selling, right?

Yesterday, Frank J. was wondering how the pledge of allegiance to that flag might go.

I kinda wonder something else. My country’s flag has some nicknames, such as “Old Glory,” “The Stars and Stripes,” and “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

Obama’s flag? I’m not sure what to call it. An Obama-nation fits, but that’s been used before.

Suggestions?

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Barack Obama, movie star

Barack Obama needs a job. You see, he’s never had a real job. Oh, sure, he’s had made-up jobs like “community organizer” but he’s never done anything that’s real or useful. Yeah, he was a state legislator, but all they have to do is say “yes” or “no” when bills come up for a vote, but he couldn’t even get that correct. He voted “present” a lot.

Now, he’s in the most important job in the world, and is doing like you’d expect: he sucks at it. He has no idea what he’s doing, and the only time he’s not screwing things up is when he’s actually taking a vacation and playing golf.

You may be wondering why he never got a job playing golf for a living, but there’s a real good reason: he’s so bad at it that he’d starve. We’d have another homeless Obama running around, and goodness knows there are enough of them scattered all across the globe. So he plays golf for fun. I can only assume he plays president for fun, too. I mean, if he hated it because he sucked at it so bad, there are a lot of people who would gladly do the job … and do it better.

Of course, his doing a piss-poor job as president won’t last forever. He’ll be needing a new job come late January. Whatever will he do?

I’m thinking he’s planning to go into show business, become a movie star. He’s already hanging around the Hollywood crowd, and I think part of he reason is to get into the movies. Plus, movie people don’t really do anything useful. They’re good for a laugh, and when their job makes you cry, it’s not over anything real. So, perfect for Obama.

What kind of role could he play? Well, if they ever do a remake of D. W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation, he could play the role of an 1871 South Carolina Reconstruction legislator.

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Maybe, though, that’s not the best decision. Perhaps you can help. What would be a good movie role for Obama?

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