The President’s Memeorial Day Speech

President Barack 0bama presided over the traditional Memorial Day services at Arlington National Cemetery earlier today, by thanking all of the Navy Corpsemen and other fallen members of our armed services present who had died protecting our nation from the scourge of Climate Change.

After solemnly laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Comic by mistake, the President delivered his Memorial Day Address to the assembled throng of military and media.

“Let me be clear,” the President said in his typical articulate, bright and clean manner, his trousers perfectly creased, “It is only because of the ultimate sacrifice of brave men and women like yourselves over the past four-hundred-some-odd years, who gave your lives raising awareness of ManBearPig across all fifty-seven states, that we have been able to keep the scourge of the pending Global Climate Catastrophe at bay. To those of you who have not been derelict in your duties, your efforts have been nothing short of… Error. Reset required. Press control-alt-delete to reboot system.

With that, the ceremony was abruptly ended and the President whisked away to a luxurious private golf course for the remainder of the day after grabbing some ice cream.

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A Presidency Calculated to Drive You MAD

From MAD Magazine. Yes, that MAD Magazine.

MAD-Magazine-Trading-Private-Bergdahl
[MAD Magazine]

Tip: Andrew Malcolm on the Facebook

Title reference

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ObamaMath

ObamaMathHarvey noticed that the national debt hasn’t changed for several months. He suggests that the Most Transparent Government Evah, run by the Smertest President Evah, has simply stopped doing math.

With all due respect, I suggest that Harvey is missing all the nuances of this Genius of Geniuses. It’s not an abandonment of math. It’s a whole new math. It’s the magical math that is ObamaMath.

Here’s how it works.

As Harvey noted, you take a total deficit of $16,699,396,000,000. Next, you increase that by $97,594,000,000. What is the new total deficit? I best you said $16,796,990,000,000. But, guess what? You’d be wrong. It’s $16,699,396,000,000.

How is that possible? ObamaMath!

That’s the same way you can have health insurance costs go up, but still be paying less. Sure, you bank account looks smaller, your take-home pay looks smaller. But that’s because you don’t apply ObamaMath.

A smaller bank balance is actually a raise in pay. And you can thank Obama for that. Well, Obama and his wonderful, magical ObamaMath.

Gas gone up to nearly twice what it was when Obama took office? Well, not really. It’s actually less. That’s because $1.869 ÷ 2 = $3.539. ObamaMath!

And, here’s a secret that many people don’t know: you too can use ObamaMath.

Walk into a grocery store, fill your shopping cart with food, give the clerk a dollar, and walk out. It’ll be okay. Just explain it’s ObamaMath.

Bank send you a credit card bill? Send them a corrected statement back, showing a $0 balance. Explain it’s ObamaMath.

There is no end to what you can accomplish with ObamaMath.

Try it!

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Gulf

HomerBrainWhat comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

I remember Gulf Oil company sponsoring TV broadcasts of space shots in the 1960s. There’s the Gulf of Mexico. Persian Gulf.

So, besides a defunct oil company, “gulf” generally means a place where the sea extends into the land. But, it can have another meaning: a deep chasm, or a gap.

On The Tonight Show With Jay Leno the other night, the president showed just how big of a dumbass he is:

If we don’t deepen our ports all along the Gulf — places like Charleston, South Carolina, or Savannah, Georgia, or Jacksonville, Florida — if we don’t do that, those ships are going to go someplace else. And we’ll lose jobs. Businesses won’t locate here.

I’ve been those cities. And, I’ve been to the Gulf coast. But never at the same time.

I’d like to think I don’t have to tell you that Jacksonville, Savannah, and Charleston are not cities on the Gulf. But, nobody seemed to tell The Smertest President Evah that those cities are on the Atlantic Ocean.

So, what comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

The right answer is: A deep chasm, or a gap. As in the deep chasm in the head of Obama, and the ones that voted for him.

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Things Named After Obama: Weed!

[High Praise! to American Digest]

Our Strain of the Union is here! A leader in it’s own right. Obama, is a heavy indica strain that is great for late afternoon or night time medication. This hard to find quintessential strain is sweet and pungent. The inhalation is smooth, resulting in a full body warmth and strong mental high. All hail as you chief!

Yes, this is a real thing.

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You’re so vain, you probably think the civil rights movement was about you

Remember when Neil Armstrong died, and Barack Obama honored the astronaut with … a picture of Obama looking at the moon?

Well, Saturday was Rosa Parks day, so what does the president do? Honors Rosa Parks with … a picture of Obama sitting on the bus, looking out the window.

Civil rights doesn’t mean this:

It means this:

It’s all about Obama.

Now, I’m not wanting to get off track and have a discussion about why Rosa Parks got all the attention and not the others who preceded here by being arrested for refusing to give up their seats. If you want some info about that, this link mentions a couple of instances.

Rather, I want to stay on target with Obama making everything about him.

I’m not sure if that’s the problem, or if the idiots that support him are the problem. A little of both actually.

Speaking of the Rosa Parks debate (which I didn’t want to get into), if they ever remake Barbershop, I’d like to see them change the script around just a little. Replace “Jesse Jackson” with “Barack Obama” (NSFW link).

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Cartoon of the day


[Source: GoComics/Lisa Benson]

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Michelle Obama’s example

Michelle Obama tells ABC she “rarely” goes to the West Wing of the White House.

Now, if we could only get Barack to follow suit.

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Name that flag!

You’ve seen that flag Obama is selling, right?

Yesterday, Frank J. was wondering how the pledge of allegiance to that flag might go.

I kinda wonder something else. My country’s flag has some nicknames, such as “Old Glory,” “The Stars and Stripes,” and “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

Obama’s flag? I’m not sure what to call it. An Obama-nation fits, but that’s been used before.

Suggestions?

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Barack Obama, movie star

Barack Obama needs a job. You see, he’s never had a real job. Oh, sure, he’s had made-up jobs like “community organizer” but he’s never done anything that’s real or useful. Yeah, he was a state legislator, but all they have to do is say “yes” or “no” when bills come up for a vote, but he couldn’t even get that correct. He voted “present” a lot.

Now, he’s in the most important job in the world, and is doing like you’d expect: he sucks at it. He has no idea what he’s doing, and the only time he’s not screwing things up is when he’s actually taking a vacation and playing golf.

You may be wondering why he never got a job playing golf for a living, but there’s a real good reason: he’s so bad at it that he’d starve. We’d have another homeless Obama running around, and goodness knows there are enough of them scattered all across the globe. So he plays golf for fun. I can only assume he plays president for fun, too. I mean, if he hated it because he sucked at it so bad, there are a lot of people who would gladly do the job … and do it better.

Of course, his doing a piss-poor job as president won’t last forever. He’ll be needing a new job come late January. Whatever will he do?

I’m thinking he’s planning to go into show business, become a movie star. He’s already hanging around the Hollywood crowd, and I think part of he reason is to get into the movies. Plus, movie people don’t really do anything useful. They’re good for a laugh, and when their job makes you cry, it’s not over anything real. So, perfect for Obama.

What kind of role could he play? Well, if they ever do a remake of D. W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation, he could play the role of an 1871 South Carolina Reconstruction legislator.

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Maybe, though, that’s not the best decision. Perhaps you can help. What would be a good movie role for Obama?

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Obama’s to-do list

You gotta wonder what Obama’s to-do list — his real one, not that silly list of campaign promises — looks like. If his campaign promises such as changing the tone in Washington were truly the list, even he’d have to give himself a failing grade.

But no, the president gave himself an “incomplete” grade. That means he’s done some stuff, but the rest is in reach.

Whatever could those things be? Well, I’m thinking his goal is to out-do Jimmy Carter on everything. Let’s see how he’s doing, shall we?

  • Drive gas prices up. Check.
  • High unemployment. Check.
  • Support ill-advised Islamic overthrow of a friendly Middle Eastern nation. Check.
  • Have embassy in that country stormed later same year. Check.
  • Attacked by a rabbit. Not yet.
  • Lose election to Republican former governor of a liberal state. Not yet.

I’m not wishing a bunny attack on the president, but if it did happen, I would laugh my ass off.

That last item? I am wishing that upon him. And I’m doing what I can to make it happen.

Now, I know some of you don’t like the idea of voting for Mitt Romney. Those of you that have sworn to never vote for Romney, and plan to follow through, well, if you’d help take care of the rabbit thing, the rest of us will work on the election thing.

Then we can mark Obama’s to-do list complete and send him home to … wherever the hell he’s from.

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Obama Math

Obama was channeling Biden this morning when he told a crowd in Florida that American manufacturers were making products “marked with three proud words: Made in the U.S.A.”

I’m really starting to see a trend here. I think both the presidential and vice-presidential debates should start out with a few simple math problems, like 2+2, or “how many fingers am I holding up”?

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Obama vs Technology

At a campaign stop in Florida, Obama decided it would be be a great bit of publicity to personally phone two of the local campaign’s volunteers and thank them for whatever it is campaign volunteers do…licking stamps or burning people’s Romney signs or something.

So someone handed him an iPhone to make the call. And the President couldn’t figure the blasted thing out.

But when White House trip director Marvin Nicholson handed the president his personal iPhone, Mr. Obama couldn’t get it to work. A reporter who witnessed the scene said the president looked “befuddled.”

“It’s not clear he knows how to dial on an iPhone,” the reporter wrote in a pool report.

It kind of reminds me of his troubles with regular phones too.

I’m guessing calculators are also a toughy. And pretty much anything else that deals with numbers.

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Anniversary, Obama-style

Missed in this whole thing where Obama had to change his plans because of a trip Mitt Romney made is this tidbit:

The president was en route Friday to Fort Bliss, Texas, where he planned to meet with military service members and their families on the two-year anniverary of his visit there to mark the end of the war in Iraq.

So, he’s planning a trip to mark the anniversary of a trip?

Not that he’s marking the anniversary of the declared end to the war. That was in October 2009. No, this is a trip marking the anniversary of a trip.

If only I could write parody that was as ridiculous as Obama’s reality.

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Why you so stupid?

All you people that don’t think Barack Obama is awesome and wonderful and a gift sent down from Heaven are just too stupid to understand what he’s trying to do.

You know, as good a communicator as he is, it would still take Barack Obama six months to explain something to you. That’s what he told Time magazine.

The president says he also wants to do a better job of explaining to the public how his policies will help the economy grow. Obama claims he didn’t do a good enough job selling Americans on the stimulus plan and the auto company bailout because he was so focused on acting to fix the economy.

“[W]e were in the midst of a once-in-a-lifetime crisis, so we had to just do stuff fast. And sometimes it wasn’t popular,” Obama told Time. “And we didn’t have the luxury of six months to explain exactly what we were doing with the Recovery Act, which was basically a jobs act and making-sure-middle-class-families-didn’t-fall-into-poverty act.”

So, it’s your fault. If you weren’t so darn stupid, it wouldn’t take him six months to explain everything to you.

And, if you were just smart enough to understand what he was doing, it would have worked. So, but because you’re so stupid and didn’t understand what he was doing, all that money he pissed away didn’t help.

Try to not be so stupid.

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