Archive for the ‘Obama’ Category

A Presidency Calculated to Drive You MAD

Wednesday, June 4, 2014 1:00 pm

From MAD Magazine. Yes, that MAD Magazine.

MAD-Magazine-Trading-Private-Bergdahl
[MAD Magazine]

Tip: Andrew Malcolm on the Facebook

Title reference

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ObamaMath

Thursday, August 15, 2013 10:00 am

ObamaMathHarvey noticed that the national debt hasn’t changed for several months. He suggests that the Most Transparent Government Evah, run by the Smertest President Evah, has simply stopped doing math.

With all due respect, I suggest that Harvey is missing all the nuances of this Genius of Geniuses. It’s not an abandonment of math. It’s a whole new math. It’s the magical math that is ObamaMath.

Here’s how it works.

As Harvey noted, you take a total deficit of $16,699,396,000,000. Next, you increase that by $97,594,000,000. What is the new total deficit? I best you said $16,796,990,000,000. But, guess what? You’d be wrong. It’s $16,699,396,000,000.

How is that possible? ObamaMath!

That’s the same way you can have health insurance costs go up, but still be paying less. Sure, you bank account looks smaller, your take-home pay looks smaller. But that’s because you don’t apply ObamaMath.

A smaller bank balance is actually a raise in pay. And you can thank Obama for that. Well, Obama and his wonderful, magical ObamaMath.

Gas gone up to nearly twice what it was when Obama took office? Well, not really. It’s actually less. That’s because $1.869 ÷ 2 = $3.539. ObamaMath!

And, here’s a secret that many people don’t know: you too can use ObamaMath.

Walk into a grocery store, fill your shopping cart with food, give the clerk a dollar, and walk out. It’ll be okay. Just explain it’s ObamaMath.

Bank send you a credit card bill? Send them a corrected statement back, showing a $0 balance. Explain it’s ObamaMath.

There is no end to what you can accomplish with ObamaMath.

Try it!

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Gulf

Thursday, August 8, 2013 10:00 am

HomerBrainWhat comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

I remember Gulf Oil company sponsoring TV broadcasts of space shots in the 1960s. There’s the Gulf of Mexico. Persian Gulf.

So, besides a defunct oil company, “gulf” generally means a place where the sea extends into the land. But, it can have another meaning: a deep chasm, or a gap.

On The Tonight Show With Jay Leno the other night, the president showed just how big of a dumbass he is:

If we don’t deepen our ports all along the Gulf — places like Charleston, South Carolina, or Savannah, Georgia, or Jacksonville, Florida — if we don’t do that, those ships are going to go someplace else. And we’ll lose jobs. Businesses won’t locate here.

I’ve been those cities. And, I’ve been to the Gulf coast. But never at the same time.

I’d like to think I don’t have to tell you that Jacksonville, Savannah, and Charleston are not cities on the Gulf. But, nobody seemed to tell The Smertest President Evah that those cities are on the Atlantic Ocean.

So, what comes to mind when someone says “gulf?”

The right answer is: A deep chasm, or a gap. As in the deep chasm in the head of Obama, and the ones that voted for him.

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Things Named After Obama: Weed!

Friday, March 1, 2013 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to American Digest]

Our Strain of the Union is here! A leader in it’s own right. Obama, is a heavy indica strain that is great for late afternoon or night time medication. This hard to find quintessential strain is sweet and pungent. The inhalation is smooth, resulting in a full body warmth and strong mental high. All hail as you chief!

Yes, this is a real thing.

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You’re so vain, you probably think the civil rights movement was about you

Monday, December 3, 2012 9:00 am

Remember when Neil Armstrong died, and Barack Obama honored the astronaut with … a picture of Obama looking at the moon?

Well, Saturday was Rosa Parks day, so what does the president do? Honors Rosa Parks with … a picture of Obama sitting on the bus, looking out the window.

Civil rights doesn’t mean this:

It means this:

It’s all about Obama.

Now, I’m not wanting to get off track and have a discussion about why Rosa Parks got all the attention and not the others who preceded here by being arrested for refusing to give up their seats. If you want some info about that, this link mentions a couple of instances.

Rather, I want to stay on target with Obama making everything about him.

I’m not sure if that’s the problem, or if the idiots that support him are the problem. A little of both actually.

Speaking of the Rosa Parks debate (which I didn’t want to get into), if they ever remake Barbershop, I’d like to see them change the script around just a little. Replace “Jesse Jackson” with “Barack Obama” (NSFW link).

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Cartoon of the day

Friday, October 12, 2012 9:00 am


[Source: GoComics/Lisa Benson]

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Michelle Obama’s example

Tuesday, October 9, 2012 8:58 am

Michelle Obama tells ABC she “rarely” goes to the West Wing of the White House.

Now, if we could only get Barack to follow suit.

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Name that flag!

Saturday, September 22, 2012 7:00 am

You’ve seen that flag Obama is selling, right?

Yesterday, Frank J. was wondering how the pledge of allegiance to that flag might go.

I kinda wonder something else. My country’s flag has some nicknames, such as “Old Glory,” “The Stars and Stripes,” and “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

Obama’s flag? I’m not sure what to call it. An Obama-nation fits, but that’s been used before.

Suggestions?

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Barack Obama, movie star

Friday, September 14, 2012 7:00 am

Barack Obama needs a job. You see, he’s never had a real job. Oh, sure, he’s had made-up jobs like “community organizer” but he’s never done anything that’s real or useful. Yeah, he was a state legislator, but all they have to do is say “yes” or “no” when bills come up for a vote, but he couldn’t even get that correct. He voted “present” a lot.

Now, he’s in the most important job in the world, and is doing like you’d expect: he sucks at it. He has no idea what he’s doing, and the only time he’s not screwing things up is when he’s actually taking a vacation and playing golf.

You may be wondering why he never got a job playing golf for a living, but there’s a real good reason: he’s so bad at it that he’d starve. We’d have another homeless Obama running around, and goodness knows there are enough of them scattered all across the globe. So he plays golf for fun. I can only assume he plays president for fun, too. I mean, if he hated it because he sucked at it so bad, there are a lot of people who would gladly do the job … and do it better.

Of course, his doing a piss-poor job as president won’t last forever. He’ll be needing a new job come late January. Whatever will he do?

I’m thinking he’s planning to go into show business, become a movie star. He’s already hanging around the Hollywood crowd, and I think part of he reason is to get into the movies. Plus, movie people don’t really do anything useful. They’re good for a laugh, and when their job makes you cry, it’s not over anything real. So, perfect for Obama.

What kind of role could he play? Well, if they ever do a remake of D. W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation, he could play the role of an 1871 South Carolina Reconstruction legislator.

20120914-121032.jpg 20120914-121046.jpg

Maybe, though, that’s not the best decision. Perhaps you can help. What would be a good movie role for Obama?

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Obama’s to-do list

Wednesday, September 12, 2012 8:30 am

You gotta wonder what Obama’s to-do list — his real one, not that silly list of campaign promises — looks like. If his campaign promises such as changing the tone in Washington were truly the list, even he’d have to give himself a failing grade.

But no, the president gave himself an “incomplete” grade. That means he’s done some stuff, but the rest is in reach.

Whatever could those things be? Well, I’m thinking his goal is to out-do Jimmy Carter on everything. Let’s see how he’s doing, shall we?

  • Drive gas prices up. Check.
  • High unemployment. Check.
  • Support ill-advised Islamic overthrow of a friendly Middle Eastern nation. Check.
  • Have embassy in that country stormed later same year. Check.
  • Attacked by a rabbit. Not yet.
  • Lose election to Republican former governor of a liberal state. Not yet.

I’m not wishing a bunny attack on the president, but if it did happen, I would laugh my ass off.

That last item? I am wishing that upon him. And I’m doing what I can to make it happen.

Now, I know some of you don’t like the idea of voting for Mitt Romney. Those of you that have sworn to never vote for Romney, and plan to follow through, well, if you’d help take care of the rabbit thing, the rest of us will work on the election thing.

Then we can mark Obama’s to-do list complete and send him home to … wherever the hell he’s from.

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Obama Math

Monday, September 10, 2012 11:30 am

Obama was channeling Biden this morning when he told a crowd in Florida that American manufacturers were making products “marked with three proud words: Made in the U.S.A.”

I’m really starting to see a trend here. I think both the presidential and vice-presidential debates should start out with a few simple math problems, like 2+2, or “how many fingers am I holding up”?

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Obama vs Technology

Monday, September 10, 2012 10:36 am

At a campaign stop in Florida, Obama decided it would be be a great bit of publicity to personally phone two of the local campaign’s volunteers and thank them for whatever it is campaign volunteers do…licking stamps or burning people’s Romney signs or something.

So someone handed him an iPhone to make the call. And the President couldn’t figure the blasted thing out.

But when White House trip director Marvin Nicholson handed the president his personal iPhone, Mr. Obama couldn’t get it to work. A reporter who witnessed the scene said the president looked “befuddled.”

“It’s not clear he knows how to dial on an iPhone,” the reporter wrote in a pool report.

It kind of reminds me of his troubles with regular phones too.

I’m guessing calculators are also a toughy. And pretty much anything else that deals with numbers.

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Anniversary, Obama-style

Friday, August 31, 2012 5:32 pm

Missed in this whole thing where Obama had to change his plans because of a trip Mitt Romney made is this tidbit:

The president was en route Friday to Fort Bliss, Texas, where he planned to meet with military service members and their families on the two-year anniverary of his visit there to mark the end of the war in Iraq.

So, he’s planning a trip to mark the anniversary of a trip?

Not that he’s marking the anniversary of the declared end to the war. That was in October 2009. No, this is a trip marking the anniversary of a trip.

If only I could write parody that was as ridiculous as Obama’s reality.

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Why you so stupid?

Friday, August 31, 2012 7:17 am

All you people that don’t think Barack Obama is awesome and wonderful and a gift sent down from Heaven are just too stupid to understand what he’s trying to do.

You know, as good a communicator as he is, it would still take Barack Obama six months to explain something to you. That’s what he told Time magazine.

The president says he also wants to do a better job of explaining to the public how his policies will help the economy grow. Obama claims he didn’t do a good enough job selling Americans on the stimulus plan and the auto company bailout because he was so focused on acting to fix the economy.

“[W]e were in the midst of a once-in-a-lifetime crisis, so we had to just do stuff fast. And sometimes it wasn’t popular,” Obama told Time. “And we didn’t have the luxury of six months to explain exactly what we were doing with the Recovery Act, which was basically a jobs act and making-sure-middle-class-families-didn’t-fall-into-poverty act.”

So, it’s your fault. If you weren’t so darn stupid, it wouldn’t take him six months to explain everything to you.

And, if you were just smart enough to understand what he was doing, it would have worked. So, but because you’re so stupid and didn’t understand what he was doing, all that money he pissed away didn’t help.

Try to not be so stupid.

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Worst is yet to come

Wednesday, August 29, 2012 10:30 pm
Another bad idea

Licking a flag pole in Winter is smarter than voting for Obama.

Presidents’ second terms are usually not as good as the first. Obama’s 2nd term will be teh suck.

Why would I say that? I mean, there’s no way he could suck as bad in his second term as he did in his first, right?

WRONG!!!

Let’s look at history. Okay, who’s the oldest person here?

Okay, everybody put your hands down. Is there anyone here born before 1950? 1940? Oh, heck, 1900? No one?

That’s our starting point. We’ll cover all the presidents who won re-election all our lifetimes, m’kay?

Let’s see. 1900. That was William McKinley, and he was re-elected in 1900. He got shot. That sucks.

Teddy Roosevelt finished McKinley’s term, then got elected again in 1904. That’s when he proposed income taxes (this was before the 16th Amendment, remember) and inheritance taxes, both of which passed shortly after he left office, along with the creation of the Federal Reserve. Tell me that second term didn’t suck.

Woodrow Wilson was re-elected in 1914 1916. His second term included World War I and the League of Nations, forerunner to the United Nations. He implemented segregation laws in Washington (for segregation, not against). Oh, and then the whole having a stroke thing happened. That second term sucked.

Franklin Roosevelt was re-elected in 1936, and never would leave office. He finally had to go to Warm Springs, Georgia and die to get him out of the Oval Office. He made government really, really huge. He extended the Great Depression by screwing with the economy, instead of leaving it alone and letting it right itself in 18 months like it would have. World War II started in his second term, which sucked. Of course, it took his attention off screwing with the economy and expanding government, and the economy suddenly got better, but a lot of soldiers died. So, his second and third terms sucked. He died in his fourth. Which sucked.

Harry Truman, so full of promise after nuking his way to victory in World War II, won in 1948 and, within two years, we were in another war. Plus, he fired MacArthur. Truman let Commies in the government, but you can almost excuse that, since there’s not a hill of beans difference between a Commie and a Democrat. Oh, and a couple of Puerto Ricans shot at him. That sucked.

Dwight Eisenhower was re-elected in 1956 and then had heart attacks about every third day. The Soviets orbited satellites while ours blew up on the launch pad. And, Hawaii became a state, allowing their fake birth certificates to be used to put idiots in the White House. Then, there was the whole deal with taking over from the French in a little place called Vietnam. You might have heard of that. His second term sucked.

Lyndon Johnson got to keep his office job at 1600 Pennsylvania after winning the 1964 election. Remember that Vietnam thing Eisenhower got us into? Johnson doubled down. Hippies were running wild in the streets and left-wingers were blowing up college buildings and shooting people. They waited until after he left office to land on the moon, his second term sucked so bad.

Nixon was re-elected in 1972. Watergate. I don’t need to go any further, do I? His second term sucked.

Ronald Reagan’s second term had Iran-Contra, which led to a bunch of folks going to jail. He failed to get Robert Bork on the Supreme Court, and we wound up with Anthony Kennedy instead. And, a Space Shuttle blew up. Reagan’s second term kinda sucked.

Bill Clinton was re-elected in 1996. He was impeached in his second term. That kinda sucked.

George W. Bush was re-elected in 2004. A year later, somebody in Georgia (not ours, the other one) threw a grenade at him. He didn’t tell the military to kick everyone’s ass and come home in his first term, and that lead to the Democrats taking over Congress in 2006. That sucked big time.

Now, you’re wondering why I left out Calvin Coolidge. Well, it turns out that Calvin Coolidge is the anomaly of this group. He kept the presidency by winning the 1924 election, and then cut taxes, reduced regulation, and the economy flourished. He’s the only president to do a great job in his second term.

So, what would happen if Barack Obama won a second term? Well, you can be damn sure he won’t cut taxes and reduce regulation, and that the economy won’t flourish.

You think his first term was bad? If even good presidents like Reagan, Bush, Truman, and Eisenhower can screw up their second term, what do you think a born screw-up like Barack Obama will do?

Don’t even want to think about it.

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Fun Facts About Oiho

Saturday, August 25, 2012 8:30 pm

With the permission of Harvey and in humble homage to his Fun Facts About the 50 States , I think it is high time that we look at some fun facts about the state of Oiho….

__________________

* Oiho became the 58th state on August 21, 2012 by executive order of President Obama, despite calls for the contrary by residents of the 57th state of North Virginia Carolina.

* The state flower of Oiho is the Corpse Flower, and is dedicated to the memory of the Navy corpsemen from Oiho that fought in past wars.

* A large number of Corpsemen come from Oiho, and represent an important voting bloc for the Democratic Party.

* While the ambulance was invented in Ohio, the method of writing “AMBULANCE” backwards on the front of the vehicle was invented in Oiho as a means of confusing lawyers approaching it from the front.

The state flag of Oiho is basically a rip-off of the French flag, but with O-i-h-o written in big letters lest anyone forget how to spell it correctly.

* Doctors at the Oiho State University Medical Center were the first to perfect the method of testing kids for asthma using a breathalyzer.

* It is now state law in Oiho that erratic drivers be pulled over and administered an asthma test by police.

* The state is named “Oiho” which is a Native American Warren tribe word for “You didn’t build that teepee”.

* Oiho State University is the largest school in the state. The football team is named the Oiho State Buckets.

* The mascot of the Oiho State Football Team is a man in a suit wearing a bucket on his head.

* The fans also usually wear buckets on their heads to support the team, but have trouble following the games this way.

* The hothound was invented in Oiho in 2009. Unlike the hotdog, it is actually made of dog.

* Hothounds are traditionally served at all Oiho State football games, but are difficult to eat with a bucket on your head.

* Cleaverland, Oiho is the home of the Mom Jeans Hall of Fame. Across the street is a museum dedicated to nerdy bicycle helmets.

* The state of Oiho currently bans its citizens from visiting most of Asia, including the small island Asian country of Hawaii.

* The Intercontinental Railroad first began construction in Cincy, Oiho, connecting Oiho to France.

* Toldeo, Oiho was the site of the first Special Olympics Bowling Championship. The winning score was 129.

* Every Memorial Day, the city of Akorn, Oiho holds a parade including corpsemen and fallen heroes.

* Dual use door-windows were first used in Oiho. The placement of these in all government buildings was a requirement for statehood.

* Oiho is one of the only states to not allow citizens to conceal-carry guns. The state does, however, issue permits for the bitter-clinging of weapons.

* The permit also allows for the bitter-clinging of religion. Only one religion and one gun can be bitterly clinged to at a time.

* Oiho is home to the national Typical White Person Association. Its mission is to be typical, white, and bitterly cling to things.

__________________

That about wraps it up for fun facts about the state of Oiho. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go try and eat a hothound with a bucket on my head.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked at Legal Insurrection.

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Cartoon of the day

Thursday, August 23, 2012 7:10 pm

Saw this somewhere. On the Facebook, I think.

Cartoon
[Direct link: Facebook/The Comical Conservative]

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Caption this!

Friday, August 3, 2012 7:25 pm

My buddy, Mad Max, so wants to caption this picture of the president. So, I thought I’d offer him the opportunity. But, I decided to make it a challenge by opening it up to everyone here.

Caption this!
[From Drudge Report]

Keep it clean. Mostly clean, at least. And the best caption wins … HIGH PRAISE!

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Obama’s Newest Campaign Poster

Thursday, May 10, 2012 7:09 pm

Frank offered his suggestion for an Obama campaign poster this morning, and Bunkerhillbilly asked:

“Wouldn’t the poster make a better impact if the UFO was either in the shape of the Obama Logo or if it was sporting an Obama bumpersticker?”

Anything for a Nuker:

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Why Obama Is Just Like You

Friday, April 20, 2012 5:03 pm

Son of Bob [High Praise!] left this in the comments, but you probably wouldn’t see it there, so here it is:
______________

Maybe Obama can convince people he’s just like them by writing another memoir.”

Yes, Obama’s just a typical American.

It’s a typical American story of a white communist mother who married a drunken, black, anti-American, communist foreigner who already had other wives he didn’t tell her about. Just like the rest of us, Dad left when he was very young to go chase skirts at Harvard before getting kicked out of the university for basically being too annoying. Then Dad was sent out of the country and died in a drunken car accident, just like most of our dads have.

Then, Mom found some even more radical boyfriends who introduced him to even more typical American traditions like killing and eating dogs and continuing his studies of the Muslim religion in typical American Indonesian schools.

Then, just like most Americans, foreigners and anti-American radicals helped him get into Harvard and paid his way before graduating and living in expensive houses bought for him by anti-American radicals with a political agenda.

And so, when you’ve lived to adulthood without ever having a single accomplishment the obvious next step is to write two autobiographies (or, better yet, have someone else ghost write them for you), just like the rest of us do. Then, after finding legal loop-holes to force his opponents out of the race, his fellow Americans voted him into his corrupt state senate.

And, finally, his typical American life climaxed with the backing of George Soros, a billionaire foreigner who made the bulk of his wealth by causing and investing in the downfall of entire countries’ economies, who bought him the presidency.

What average American couldn’t relate to such a person?

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