Obama said he will be looking for “significant movement, not just gestures” in the coming weeks from Republicans.

Oh… I’ve got a gesture for YOU, Mr. President:

Sorry, my mouth was itchy.

Obama’s health care bill has more mandates than Barney Frank at a San Francisco bathhouse.

Here’s how the president treats various dignitaries:

“Your Highness is most kind to grant this audience.”

“Thank you for seeing me, Your Excellency.”

“I am honored to be in your presence, Mr. Premier.”

“Madame Mayor is most gracious to see me.”

“You can find your way out, right? And drop this in the trash for me, how ’bout it?”

I am so waiting on November 6, 2012.

[via I Can Has Cheezburger]

UPDATE 4PM: Commenter px115 is right, this cat needs Nancy Pelosi’s “Sweating to the Socialists” workout video:

[YouTube direct link]

President Obama told retiring Democrat Congressman Marion Berry, that the difference between the political situations in 1994 and 2010 was “you’ve got me”.

Is he serious? Both years featured first-term, promise-breaking, tax & spend liberal presidents in the midst of over-reaching on health care legislation.

Heck, Obama’s just one chubby intern away from BEING Bill Clinton.

Too many people use bad language. And I’ve been guilty of that. And it’s wrong. But what does one do about it?

Many people who use bad language do it under extreme circumstances, not as a matter of normal language. Sure, some people use profanity as every other word, it seems. But not everyone is that way. But, sure, extreme circumstances do occur.

There are some common words and phrases that some people will use instead of the … more colorful metaphors. Think about these that are close in sound to similar vulgar phrases:

• Oh, heck
• Darn it!
• Son of a gun
• Frikkin’
• Oh, shoot!

There are other phrases that don’t aren’t as close to profanity, but can be used in situations where profanity might otherwise be used:

• Heavens to Betsy!
• Holy Cow!
• Jeepers

Can you use these today? Sure. But they are a little lame.

However, we can come up with other phrases that might be useful as alternatives to profanity … and still express just how strongly you feel about something.

A while back, I noticed that it’s common for really bad drivers to have Obama bumper stickers. And when I encounter a really bad driver, I want to call them something horrible. Then, it occurred to me: is there anything worse than being called an Obama voter?

“Obama voter” is about as vulgar as you can get. Try it some time. When an idiot cuts you off in traffic or speeds across three lanes just to come to a complete stop in front of you, call them an “Obama voter.” It feels good to relieve that frustration … and it’s quite probably true.

And, “Obama voter” is a term of profanity fits pretty much any situation:

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give an Obama vote.

I’m as mad as an Obama voter, and I’m not going to take this anymore!

Take your stinking paws off me, you Obama-voting dirty ape!

Don’t you Obama-votin’ look at me!

Yippie kay-yay, Obama-voter.

I have had it with these Obama-voting snakes on this Obama-voting plane!

Now I want you to remember that no Obama-voter ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb Obama-voter die for his country!

See? “Obama voter” is an acceptable way of saying a very, very bad thing.

I’m sure there are more ways this or other phrases can be used and fit the situation … help us clean up our language.

Brian of Snapped Shot (who I get a lot of lolterizt! pictures from) started a new blog called “_______ Is A Test For Obama“, to catalog the overuse of the phrase by the MSM – inspired mostly by its use relating to picking up a Nobel Prize.

Sadly, the site died quickly, because the MSM is, for some reason, putting a moratorium on the phrase “test for Obama”.

Here’s the trend – Jan 2006 to Dec 2009 on top, Jan to Dec 2009 on the bottom:

Funny… if picking up a Nobel Prize was a test, you’d think that only missing a terror bombing through dumb luck, inept chemistry, and a surly Dutchman would qualify.

So obviously the UnderBomber incident wasn’t a test. Then what WAS it?

Complete the sentence “The UnderBomber incident was _______ for Obama”.

---

* a loogie in the soup

* a wedgie

* the one time Chris Matthews’s leg didn’t tingle

* a black eye

* Please ignore that last item, as use of the word “black” in reference to Obama is racist.

* “First Black president” is ok, though.

* “First Negro president”… not so much.

* Unless it’s said by someone from the census bureau.

* the sound of John McCain saying “I told you so”

* a real-life lolbama!

---

The test for YOU is to complete the sentence in the comments. Do not fail.

You may have heard that another uninvited couple crashed a White House event and ended up shaking hands with the president.

You also may have noticed that the name of the man involved was Harvey Darden, and just assumed it was me.

Nuh-uh.

Wrong Harvey.

Totally not me.

Had it been me, the story would’ve been all about me punching Obama in the stomach as hard as I could and then claiming that I got him confused with Harry Houdini.

You gotta admit, there IS a striking similarity, so it’s totally plausible:

[conceptual hat tip: Dylan]
I know Obama prefers burgers, but I’m guessing that he ate a lot of Chinese food on his recent trip.

I also assume that Chinese Chinese food comes with a fortune cookie, just like American Chinese food.

Which leads to the obvious speculative query: what fortunes did Obama get in his fortune cookies?

I speculate thusly:

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* You do good job! Take a bow!

* If you have bad news to break, leave town and let Holder guy do it.

* You look better wearing Mao jacket. Everyone look better wearing Mao jacket. Whole world wear Mao jacket soon!

* You will try something new – a terrorist in New York City.

* China cold like Chicago. Bring heavy coat.

* Save lives. Make Biden walk.

* Prosperity is coming. Just tax it until it go away.

* Why you let wife go out in public dressed like that?

* Today you meet friend from long ago. Tomorrow you throw him under bus.

* Seriously, where birth certificate?

---

If you’ve gone through Obama’s trash recently and found any of his old fortune cookie fortunes, feel free to share in the comments.

[hat tip: Laurie]

There’s plenty of disturbing stuff in this picture: Michelle’s “worst Catwoman EVAH!”; Barack’s… what?… Mr. Rogers?… and the fact that Chewbacca is calmly standing next to a Stormtrooper instead of ripping his arms off and beating him to death with them (Wookies have been known to do that).

But what’s REALLY bugging me is… what’s the deal with the two Klansmen in the upper left?

UPDATE 10pm: Just to the right of the Klansmen… is that Riff Raff?

… to Frank’s theory that Obama is an 8-year-old girl.

He’s a 10-year-old boy, as proven by this photograph of him taken immediately after his first meeting with Hugo Chavez:

That Obama would look completely awesome with an Evil Spock goatee:

UPDATE 10-26-09

I said an EVIL SPOCK goatee, not that prissy little moustache/beard combo that Lenin had:

Are they accusing Obama of being Buddhist?

I think someone’s pulling a Tawana, here.

The Obamas recently acquired a variety of art works with which to decorate the White House.

Let’s see how well you know your art.

Below you will find a picture of one of the new White House works, followed by two possible titles. See if you can pick the right one.

Good luck!

---

Ed Ruscha (1983)

A) I Think I’ll…
B) Afghanistan Policy

*****

Richard Diebenkorn (1955)

A) Berkeley no. 52
B) Refrigerator Reject

*****

Josef Albers (1961)

A) Homage to the Square: Elected II
B) It’s Art Because It’s Off-Center

*****

Nicolas De Stael (1954)

A) Nice
B) “A White Guy, An Indian, And A Black Guy Walk Into A Bar…”

*****

Glenn Ligon (1992)
[The phrase "All traces of the Griffin I had been were wiped from existence," repeats in all caps on the canvas, slowly overlapping until the words disappear into black.]

A) Black Like Me #2
B) “No Beer And No TV Make Homer… something something”

*****

Edgar Degas (c. 1896-1911, cast 1919-32)

A) The Bow
B) Pinched One Off

*****

Alma Thomas (1963)

A) Watusi (Hard Edge)
B) South Park: Cutting Room Floor

*****

Alma Thomas (1973)

A) Sky Light
B) Currier & Ives & Blender

*****

George Catlin (c. 1861-69)

A) A Foot War Party in Council – Mandan
B) No Squaw, No Firewater

*****

George Catlin (c. 1861-69)

A) Buffalo Chase, With Accidents
B) Shouldn’t Have Been Texting

*****

Winslow Homer (1875)

A) Sunset Beaching The Boat
B) A Boat Full Of His Promises

*****

Sam Francis (1960)

A) The White Line
B) Zamboni Accident

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944)

A) Children Dance
B) “Braaaaaainssss…”

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944)

A) Flower to Teacher
B) When Cousins Marry

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944)

A) Folk Family
B) Velcro Dress

*****

William H. Johnson (c. 1944-45)

A) Booker T. Washington Legend
B) “You lie!”

---

UPDATE 10-11-09 – In the comments, Aletha (who has an art blog and some talent) defended some of the artists I picked on, and I admit that not all of them deserved skewering, but I *really* have to disagree on Diebenkorn. Art is the selective recreation of reality according to the artist’s values. Diebenkorn worked very hard for a long time to paint… nothing.

He went out of his way for hours, days, weeks… to create something with no specific meaning.

Even Michael Moore (whose soul is an appalling dump heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled-up knots) doesn’t do that.

Anyway, here’s some good art to cleanse your palate (caution: may contain artistic nudity). I think you’ll be able to see the difference between what THEY think is important and what Diebenkorn values.

Every so often, something happens that changes your focus. This weekend, at a wedding, one of the scripture passages made me realize that I haven’t been the nicest person in relating to others.

For instance, I have been way too hard on Barack Obama. And I need to correct that.

It’s true that I disagree with many, many, many things he does, says, and believes. However, is he all bad? He can’t be, can he? Of course not.

So I’m going to say some nice things about the president. True stuff.

• Yesterday, we had a farewell breakfast for someone at work. I love breakfast. Under Obama’s economy, we’ll have lots more of those!
• Barack Obama hasn’t bombed America. Even by accident.
• That special family member that you worry about? You can stop worrying. If Barack Obama can amount to something, anyone can.
• Barack Obama makes people feel better about themselves. Such as racists. Think about how justified they feel about their beliefs right now.
• The president has done wonders for international relations. Look how strong France seems compared the the U.S. since Obama took office.
• Obama is not just another typical Chicago politician. Al Capone would have been able to get the Olympics.
• The president is too incompetent to be effectively evil.

I’m sure there are many other good things about Barack Obama. I just can’t think of any.

Six people arrested Tuesday evening in a small protest of Chicago’s bid for the 2016 Games were charged with mob action Wednesday.

The five men and one woman interrupted crews that were attempting to hang an Olympic laurel from the Picasso statue in Daley Plaza by dragging the Olympic banner and tossing it into the “eternal flame,” authorities said.

Apparently their protest was more effective than I would have expected.

UPDATE 9:30PM – High praise! to commenter George Guy of The Prophet of Neofederalism for proving Obama is NOT like Hitler:

Hitler was able to bring the Olympics to Berlin.

Actual billboard on I-70 in Blue Springs, MO.

I think it’s especially poignant given Friday’s Olympic bitch-slap.

Obama wants to implement tough new sanctions against Iran. Well, if this is his idea of “tough”, I suspect he may have lost more than one battle to the perforations on a roll of toilet paper.

Can’t stop being Mahmoud’s bitch

Seriously, the best he could do is “we won’t sell them gasoline”? That’s not going to affect anything, since all the cars over there are made out of logs, have stone wheels, no floorboards, and are foot-propelled. It’d be more effective to stop selling them shoes.

And there’s no point in trying to negotiate with them, either. You make a statement like “we’re concerned that you might use your nuclear program to insta-glass Tel Aviv” and they just reply with random stupid nonsense like “the Holocaust never happened”. It’s like having a conversation with an iPod Shuffle.

Besides, how will our negotiators be able to make themselves heard over the crowd of American reporters flocking around Ahmadinejad, pestering him with “Can I have your autograph Mr. Starr? You’re my second-favorite living Beatle!”

History shows that sanctions & negotiations have all the long-term effectiveness of a U2 musical fund-raising concert. If we want to destroy the Iranian regime once and for all, we need a SERIOUS strategy.

I recommend something involving a fur coat, a hooker-looking white girl, and a secret videotape.

Scoff if you want, but consider this: ACORN is now such a pariah that the IRS refuses to associate with them for fear of becoming less popular, and the IRS recently lost a popularity contest to an untreatable, pus-crusted, blistery, genital rash.

If you’ve got a better idea for getting a choke-chain around Iran’s neck, I’m all ears.

Between March 24th and November 9th, 1993, Micheal Williams of the Minnesota Timberwolves sank 97 straight freethrows, setting an NBA record.

That sort of phenomenal precision in hitting a mark remained unsurpassed until September 23rd, 2009, when President Barack Obama managed to smile exactly the same way 130 consecutive times.

[Vimeo direct link]

I stand in awe of this man’s physical prowess.

Christopher Andersen’s new book, “Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage“, exposed numerous previously undisclosed secrets about President Barack Obama. Here’s just a tiny sample:

---

Discovered at age 7 that he didn’t actually need a magic feather to fly around the circus tent.

* He isn’t actually black. He’s off-umber.

* Didn’t “pal around” with Bill Ayers, having never been officially promoted beyond “comic-relief sidekick”.

* Despite all the rumors swirling around, he really WAS the first black Czar of the Harvard Law Review.

* Mindless of the threat to national security, never – ever – even once, has he coughed into his elbow.

* Didn’t propose to Michelle until three years after he met her because he was saving up for a downpayment on a teleprompter.

* Tragically, he inherited his basketball skills from his mother’s side.

* Diagnosed with PTSD after killing that fly.

* Doesn’t understand those “secret Muslim” accusations, since five times every day he faces Mecca, kneels on his mat, and prays to Jesus.

* While negotiating with Hillary Clinton to end her primary campaign, got her to settle for the Secretary of State position instead of her original demand of “taking Bill on a tour of Chappaquiddick”.

* Once had a clogged sink full of dirty water. Bailed it out. Been a big fan ever since.

---

Anyone else who’s read the book, feel free to fill in anything I missed.

Rich Galen of Mullings observed:

“You tell ‘em Secretary Soggy Sleeves!”

If a Republican were the Secretary of Health & Human Services and, as part of the national effort to control swine flu had given the advice to “cough into your elbow” that would have been the national joke for the ensuing six weeks.

And he’s absolutely right.

Comedically speaking, there’s no difference between “plastic wrap & duct tape” and “cough into your elbow”. They’re both serious advice for real problems that can be very easily taken out of context.

For example:

“Where are you more likely to hear the phrase ‘plastic wrap & duct tape’: a Department of Homeland Security Briefing, or an episode of Dexter?”

and

“Overheard in the Clinton Oval Office: ‘I wouldn’t have been impeached if I’d done that into my elbow’”

Anyway, I encourage people to reduce this administration to a tasteless punchline whenever possible, so make today “_______ your elbow” day.

To get you started, I recommend adding the phrase “in your elbow” after every fortune cookie fortune you read. For example:

---

* “You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability.”

* “Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later.”

* “Something you lost will soon turn up.”

* “A pleasant surprise is in store for you.”

* “You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.”

* “Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities.”

* “Smiling often can make you look and feel younger.”

* “You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.”

* “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”

* “Plan for many pleasures ahead.”

* “A secret admirer will soon send a sign of affection.”

* “Love always and deeply.”

---

As always, leave your elbow-mockery in the comments.

In December, 2001, President Bush approved Public Law 107-89 declaring 9/11 to be “Patriot Day”.

In April, 2009, Congress passed and President Obama signed into law the Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act. In that Act, September 11th was officially declared “The National Day of Service and Remembrance.”

Screw you.

We know what day it is.

Fox News Legal Analyst Peter Johnson Jr. says he wants to hear 4 words from Obama:

“I hear you, America.”

He didn’t exactly read my mind on that one.

So let’s see… what 4 words would *I* want to hear from That One?

---

“I’m a ninja warrior!”

* “Here’s my birth certificate”

* “Michelle… that dress… tacky.”

* “Commie czars – all fired”

* “Ronald Reagan was right”

* “Let’s kill some terrorists!”

* “No more f@#$ing bailouts!”

* “I suck. I resign”

* “Michael Moore – shut up!”

* “Less taxing, less spending”

* “Southern border – BIG wall”

* “I’m sorry, Officer Crowley”

* “Won’t run for re-election”

---

What four words do YOU want to hear from Obama?

EXCLUSIVE!

Thanks to anonymous sources, we here at IMAO (and America is an Obamanation!) have managed to get hold of a secret communique from Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to members of the teachers’ union regarding the President’s live address to our nation’s school children this coming Tuesday:

Greetings, my fellow educators and indoctrination coordinators!

As I am certain you are well aware by now, a truly exciting day in the annals of history approaches, as our beloved President will address school children all over this quite plain and undistinguished nation on Tuesday, September 8th, to ask their help in moving this backward, bitter land of bible-clinging troglodytes forward into the glorious international collective of tomorrow.

I hope you are all as excited as I am by this new and hopeful day of change we can all believe in!

By now, you should have received your classroom kits and instructions on how to make this a true moment of insight and enlightenment for all of the good little progressives who have been entrusted to your care. Remember, our Dear Leader is counting on the cooperation of each and every one of you to help undo any damage that may have been inflicted on our poor, dear children by their awful, evil-mongering parental units during this excruciatingly long and painful summer. Thankfully, though, we have them back under our control now and with your hard work and commitment to our just and noble cause, I am quite certain that their young heads full of mush can still be molded into what our Great Society most needs — conformist worker drones.

Be certain to engage the students in the Party approved activities before, during and after The Great One’s sure-to-be awe-inspiring speech. It is imperative that we not miss this opportunity to drive home The Messiah’s message to these impressionable young children, so they can begin helping us push our agenda on the American People while we still can.

Unfortunately, some students may not be as cooperative as we might hope. Luckily, there are proven methods of dealing with their misbehavior…

[Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator]

Should that prove ineffective, there is no cause for alarm as we are including several bottles of our newest formula in your classroom kits!

Yours in Faithful “O”bedience,

Arne Duncan

United States Secretary of Education

BREAKING:
The Nose on Your Face has an exclusive copy of the original draft of the Dept. of Education’s classroom activities sheet.

Dude, if you fall off that bike and crack your skull open, you’re not getting it fixed on the taxpayer’s dime.