Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

One Caveat

Tuesday, September 30, 2014 8:00 am

During an interview on NBC, President Obama praised his staff and advisers, saying “my folks are doing really well”.

Well, the ones that manage to steer clear of consulates, anyway.

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No Comparison

Monday, September 29, 2014 8:00 pm

President Obama said of his plans to fight against ISIS, “this is not the equivalent of the Iraq War”.

Mostly notably because it lacks a Commander-in-Chief who wants to win it.

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Where Have You Looked?

Monday, September 29, 2014 4:00 pm

On Meet the Press, President Obama said “we’ve not seen any immediate intelligence about threats to the homeland” from ISIS.

Here’s a scary thought: what if it’s there, but it’s stored on Lois Lerner’s hard drive?

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Nannyless!

Monday, September 29, 2014 8:00 am

A new report shows that NYC’s Mayor de Blasio has kicked 1,412 homeless people out of the city since taking office in January.

That’s terrible! What’s to keep them from oversalting their food now?

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I’m Trying REALLY Hard to Give Him the Benefit of the Doubt Here

Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:00 pm

During his speech about ISIS, President Obama announced that America would send “no ground troops” to Iraq.

I hope that means his plan is to bomb it until there’s no ground left, and then send in troops.

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“Judgment”, Maybe

Sunday, September 28, 2014 12:00 pm

During an interview on NBC, President Obama said that going golfing after a speech about ISIS beheading a journalist was bad “optics”.

Even worse optics: calling it “optics”.

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If They Had a Space Program, It Would’ve Been

Saturday, September 27, 2014 8:00 pm

A mysterious explosion that rocked Nicaragua’s capital appears to have been caused by a small meteorite.

Which, President Obama was quick to assure everyone, was “not Islamic“.

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“Hold Still While I Pick Your Pocket” Is Not a Plan

Saturday, September 27, 2014 12:00 pm

Self-described “socialist” Democrat Senator Bernie Sanders called for a new tax on millionaires and billionaires.

Oh… you mean those guys who can afford to pay accountants to find loopholes?

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Good Old Days

Friday, September 26, 2014 8:00 pm

Liberal Economist Paul Krugman said that Republicans want to “push us back to 1894″.

Yes, but only because incandescent light bulbs were still legal then.

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Truly Diabolical

Friday, September 26, 2014 4:00 pm

President Obama said his plan is to “degrade and ultimately destroy” ISIS.

So… they have to provide their employees with Obamacare now?

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Only One Thing, Actually

Friday, September 26, 2014 8:00 am

Eric Holder said “we must never lose sight of what violent extremists fear the most: the strength of our communities; our unwavering respect for equality, civil rights, and civil liberties; and our enduring commitment to justice, democracy, and the rule of law.”

Odd… he forgot “laser-guided incendiary ordnance”.

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The Light’s Better Over Here

Thursday, September 25, 2014 8:00 pm

The Justice Department announced that it is opening a federal investigation into the Ferguson, MO, police department in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting.

Man… Holder’s REALLY getting desperate to find those Fast & Furious guns.

[title reference link]

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Transparency

Thursday, September 25, 2014 4:00 pm

John Kerry told a NATO gathering that President Obama’s strategy against ISIS is “becoming more clear by the day”.

As is the sound of terrorists laughing at it.

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Why Not Use the One That Has Your Name?

Thursday, September 25, 2014 8:00 am

Former Democrat strategist James Carville praised President Obama’s performance in office, saying “he’s got some pretty substantial accomplishments”.

Funny how he managed to exempt himself from the biggest of them.

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Hot Dogs Work, Too

Wednesday, September 24, 2014 8:00 pm

A new poll shows only 12% think President Obama has a plan for dealing with ISIS.

I’m sure the same 12% also think the best plan for dealing with a house fire is to “grab some marshmallows”.

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Skewed Priorities

Wednesday, September 24, 2014 4:00 pm

At a clean energy summit, Hillary Clinton called global warming “the most consequential, urgent, sweeping collection of challenges we face”.

Oh… is it caused by beheading American journalists?

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Panic In a Street!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014 8:00 am

Oops! Investigators discovered that a hacker broke into part of the HealthCare.gov insurance enrollment website in July and uploaded malicious software.

Authorities warned of “serious risks to the computer of the person who signed up that month”.

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Deja Fake But Accurate

Tuesday, September 23, 2014 8:00 pm

To warn about climate change, a UN agency is releasing “imaginary but realistic” weather reports set in 2050.

No doubt written on a 1970’s IBM Selectric typewriter by Dan Rather.

[reference link]

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Reporting for Duty?

Tuesday, September 23, 2014 4:00 pm

During a recent speech, John Kerry said “confronting climate change” is “a duty laid down in scriptures.”

So… is he trying to say he wants us to build an ark?

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Comes With Free Breadsticks

Tuesday, September 23, 2014 8:00 am

Joe Biden talked tough on ISIS terrorists, saying “we will follow them to the gates of hell”.

Better idea: let’s have hell delivered.

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