Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

What Obama Said, Only Pithier

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 4:00 pm

At a DNC fundraiser, President Obama said “there’s a sense that the world is spinning so fast and nobody is able to control it.”

Or, as the Founding Fathers liked to call it: “liberty”.

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Making Bad Book

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 8:00 am

At a press conference, President Obama said “the chances of an Ebola outbreak in the United States is extremely low”.

So, then, just at a guess… higher or lower than the chance of the government rolling out a functioning website?

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Nowhere to Run

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 8:00 pm

To avoid reporters, Lois Lerner went to a neighbor’s house, but they wouldn’t admit her.

How poetic – Lois: “Can I come in?”; Neighbor: “I plead the fifth”.

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A More Effective Strategy

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 4:00 pm

A school district in Washington state is phasing out swings on the playground, saying they cause more injuries than any other play equipment.

Good plan. Say… why not get the injury rate to zero and just ban kids?

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The Only One He Wants to Blame On Them

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 8:00 am

In New Jersey, the bomb squad was called to investigate a suspicious piece of luggage, but all it contained was stuffed animals.

Just waiting for Obama to claim it was a message from ISIS proving they represent a religion of peace.

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All Rights Are Paid For In Blood And/Or Treasure

Monday, October 20, 2014 8:00 pm

Maryland’s Democrat Governor Martin O’Malley said that “WiFi is a human right”.

Absolutely. As long as you pay the bills your provider sends.

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Ambiguous Terminology

Monday, October 20, 2014 4:00 pm

White House adviser Dan Pfeiffer told people not to worry about Ebola entering the country, because “the President’s focused on this every day.”

Wait… veterans-memorial-focused or Mexican-border-focused?

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A Detroit Deal

Monday, October 20, 2014 8:00 am

One Detroit homeowner is offering to swap a two-story brick colonial on Detroit’s east side for a new iPhone 6.

It’s a good trade for the iPhone owner… as long as he doesn’t have to take the rest of city, too.

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Credit Where It’s Due

Sunday, October 19, 2014 8:00 pm

During his weekly address, President Obama said the economic recovery was a “direct result” of his decisions.

While the rise of ISIS was just a bungle from his national security team.

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It Works for Everything Else, Right?

Saturday, October 18, 2014 8:00 pm

Fearing Ebola, five schools in Dallas are set to install remote temperature monitors in order to detect fevers among students.

Seems kind of expensive. Why not just post “Ebola-free zone” signs?

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It’s All In the Report

Saturday, October 18, 2014 12:00 pm

At the morning White House Press briefing, Josh Earnest said it was “demonstrably true” that al Qaeda has been “decimated”.

Oh, what happened? Did ISIS behead them?

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I Hate When That Happens

Friday, October 17, 2014 8:00 pm

A new poll shows that 51% of Democrats support making “hate speech” a crime.

Ironically, I can’t tell you how much I hate to hear that.

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Getting Noticed

Friday, October 17, 2014 4:00 pm

In North Carolina, a public university is offering a course on the history of conservative intellectual thought in the United States.

I’d attend, if they offered a companion class on avoiding audits.

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He Left His Calling Card

Friday, October 17, 2014 8:00 am

In a televised speech, Argentina’s president claimed that the USA is behind a plot to assassinate her.

Well, the fact that she’s still alive DOES point to this being an Obama project.

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An Expert on the Topic

Thursday, October 16, 2014 8:00 pm

On MSNBC, Chris Matthews criticized President Obama for being “intellectually lazy”.

Then moved on to quoting a government-funded study proving global warming.

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Self-Hoisting Petard

Thursday, October 16, 2014 4:00 pm

In a fundraising letter, Michelle Obama warned that control of the Senate and the potential Republican impeachment of her husband rests on just “a few hundred votes”.

Say, isn’t that about how many Tea Partiers got audited?

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Perspective

Thursday, October 16, 2014 8:00 am

In Ohio, police boarded a school bus and seized two toy cap guns from a 6-year-old boy who was pointing them at other children.

Could’ve been worse. At least he wasn’t nibbling Pop-Tarts at people.

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Keep Going

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 8:00 pm

Former President Jimmy Carter said he would have been re-elected and beaten Ronald Reagan in 1980 if he had been more “manly” in his dealings with Iran.

And unemployment, and inflation, and interest rates…

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She Can’t Count That High

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 4:00 pm

At a presser, Nancy Pelosi said of Republicans: “their days are numbered”.

Hopefully in the quadruple digits, if we’re gonna fix this mess.

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Role Model

Wednesday, October 15, 2014 8:00 am

The struggling New York Times says it plans to save money by eliminating 100 newsroom jobs.

Ah, the Times… where Detroit gazes to feel better about its finances.

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