Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

Mission Accomplished. Not the Right One, Though

Saturday, April 30, 2016 8:00 pm

After repeatedly advocating for a $15/hr minimum wage law, UC Berkeley fired hundreds of workers after it finally passed.

The problem is obvious. This would never have happened if they’d pushed for $20 an hour.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Like a Kid Doing Cartwheels While Shouting “Lookit Me, Mommy!”

Saturday, April 30, 2016 12:00 pm

North Korea reported that they have successfully launched a missile from a submarine.

Which, I assume, was a surface ship before the test.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

You Can’t Lie Fast Enough to Cover These Tracks

Friday, April 29, 2016 8:00 pm

At a commencement speech in Mississippi, Michelle Obama attempted to defend the Obama legacy.

Want to defend it? Have her eat a school lunch at a presser without gagging. It’d be like “Monty Burns’s dinner with the Simpsons” when he ran for Governor.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

With Obama Involved, You KNOW How This Ends

Friday, April 29, 2016 4:00 pm

President Obama was accused of holding a rigged question-and-answer session.

What’s there evidence for Obama’s involvement? Did everyone involved end up declaring bankruptcy?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Already Being Used

Friday, April 29, 2016 8:00 am

The Mayor of London went off on a rant against President Obama, calling him “ridiculous and weird”.

Say, didn’t Frank already trademark that in case of a Clinton/Trump race?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

What a Hack!

Thursday, April 28, 2016 8:00 pm

While at a rally in Bridgeport, Connecticut, Hillary Clinton broke out into yet another coughing fit.

Strange. I would’ve thought her biggest health issue would be persistent burns from flaming pants.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (6 votes, average: 4.83 out of 5)

You Can’t Cheer Up Someone Who’s Determined to Be Unhappy

Thursday, April 28, 2016 4:00 pm

Disaffected participants in the 2016 White Privilege Conference took to Twitter to complain that the conference was, ironically, too white.

Coming in 2017 – the White Privilege Conference Privilege Conference #WPCPCSoWhite.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Obama Warned Us – Criminal Justice

Thursday, April 28, 2016 2:00 pm

“We have criminal justice policies, including unfair sentencing laws, that need to be reformed.” — President Obama

@BarackObama

“Before Hillary gets indicted and rats me out for a plea deal.”

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

Obama’s Most Reliable Process

Thursday, April 28, 2016 8:00 am

A new study shows that employment in the gun industry has risen by nearly 25,000 new jobs.

Anybody else noticing an inverse relationship between Obama trying to help an industry and its success?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Obama Getting the Respect He’s Earned

Wednesday, April 27, 2016 8:00 pm

Cuban Foreign Minister Bruno Rodriguez called President Obama’s recent visit “an attack on the foundation of our history, our culture, and our symbols”.

That actually makes me like Cuba better, since I know what it’s like to have Obama do that.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (4 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)

There’s Definitely Something Wrong When Obama Does This

Wednesday, April 27, 2016 4:00 pm

Saudi Arabia’s King Salman told CNN “a recalibration” of the US-Saudi relationship was needed.

Apparently new measurements show that Obama’s not bowing past the halfway mark.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

But If That’s True, Wouldn’t They Suppress This Story?

Wednesday, April 27, 2016 8:00 am

Advocacy group Reporters Without Borders said press freedom is in decline and warned of “a new era of propaganda”.

Cool! I nominate Bill Watterson and Pixar to be the new era’s Dr. Seuss and Warner Brothers.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (No Ratings Yet)

An Odd Opinion for Hillary to Have

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 8:00 pm

During her opening remarks at a gun violence forum in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton said “we have just too many guns”.

Huh. Bet she never says that of her Secret Service detail.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Weak Horse

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 4:00 pm

Another foreign policy fail for Obama, as Russia is increasing the number of its sub patrols.

Not that it’s hard to make Obama look lame internationally, but at this point it’s about as sporting as kicking a puppy.

[title reference link]

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

Straight Line of the Day: Looking Back, President Obama’s Biggest Accomplishment As President…

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Looking back, President Obama’s biggest accomplishment as President…

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (No Ratings Yet)

So… If We Asked Real Nice, Would She Let America Come Home to Mum?

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 8:00 am

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth just celebrated her 90th birthday.

No word on how much of it she spent praying she wouldn’t get another iPod from Obama.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

Not Boding Well for the Future

Monday, April 25, 2016 8:00 pm

Medical professionals report an upward trend of smartphone-related injuries like “Text Neck” and “Blackberry Thumb”.

Lovely… we’ve gone from a nation that defeated Nazis to one that gets its butt kicked by a pocket narcissism machine.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

Mostly Minnesota

Monday, April 25, 2016 4:00 pm

A new study shows that “global warming” has made weather better for most people in the USA.

So if you suffered a sunburn, you’re an oppressed minority. Government assistance jackpot!

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)

Elevating Historical Footnotes to Historical Chapter Titles

Monday, April 25, 2016 8:00 am

President Obama is planning to change the $5, $10 and $20 bills.

Sounds great… is he going to make them worth something again?

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5)

Making Omelets Again, Bernie?

Sunday, April 24, 2016 8:00 pm

Bernie Sanders said that his climate change plan will bring “economic dislocation” and job losses.

Shockingly, not to the bureaucrats who’ll be running the program. Just you.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)