Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

Real Stewardship

Thursday, September 3, 2015 8:00 pm

Bernie Sanders said he wants “a strong political movement that says to the billionaire class they cannot have it all”.

Yes, the responsible-spending government should have it all.

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Funny How That Works

Thursday, September 3, 2015 4:00 pm

A new report shows that thousands of people could actually die because of the EPA’s new restrictions on coal.

Strangely not at risk: anyone who wrote, implemented, or enforces those restrictions.

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Protected From a Hazardous Environment

Thursday, September 3, 2015 8:00 am

Scientists have developed a way of storing vast quantities of information for up to a million years in a single molecule of DNA.

If they can keep it away from Planned Parenthood.

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Winning

Wednesday, September 2, 2015 4:00 pm

Steelers linebacker James Harrison made his sons give back the meaningless “participation” trophies they’d been awarded.

Ironically, in doing this, he just earned his “#1 Dad” coffee mug.

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That Would Explain The Map

Wednesday, September 2, 2015 8:00 am

Apollo 14 veteran Edgar Mitchell said he believes peace-keeping aliens visited our planet to prevent a nuclear war between Russia and the United States.

So… while they were here, they voted for Reagan?

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And Carry a Big Twig

Tuesday, September 1, 2015 8:00 pm

The Obama administration has delivered a warning to Beijing about the presence of Chinese government agents operating secretly in the United States.

Yes, I’m sure they’re terrified: “Don’t make us do to you what we did to Iran!”

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More Green

Tuesday, September 1, 2015 4:00 pm

$300 million later, California’s “green jobs” program has created only 1700 new positions.

Only one thing to do: spend another $300 million on a study to see what went wrong.

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Equal Time

Tuesday, September 1, 2015 8:00 am

Hillary will be vacationing at a home in the Hamptons that rents for $50,000 a week.

See? This is the tragedy of income inequality: she can’t afford Martha’s Vineyard like Obama.

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There’s a “Misery” Joke in Here Somewhere

Monday, August 31, 2015 8:00 pm

A self-described “Hillary fan” said she hopes that Mrs. Clinton bows out of the race.

Never thought I’d say this, but I guess I’m sort of a Hillary fan, too.

[title reference link]

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Consequences

Monday, August 31, 2015 4:00 pm

In a new survey in the UK, half of young people said they are not 100% heterosexual.

The other half said they’re not showering after gym class.

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Playing to His Strength

Monday, August 31, 2015 8:00 am

An Italian neurosurgeon claims that his plan for the first human head transplant stands “a 90% chance of success”.

OK, but what are the chances that he’s also good at laying odds?

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Come and See the Violence Inherent in the System!

Sunday, August 30, 2015 8:00 pm

At a county fair in Utah, a pig-wrestler threw an animal rights protester over the fence.

Outrageous! Can you believe the pig just stood by and did nothing?

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Popularity Contest

Sunday, August 30, 2015 12:00 pm

Despite Obama’s talk of a growing economy, food banks across the country report they’re struggling to keep up with demand.

Oddly, a complaint you’ll never hear about Michelle Obama’s school lunch program.

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Self-Preservation

Saturday, August 29, 2015 8:00 pm

A new study shows that smart people tend to live longer.

Makes sense, if for no other reason than they are less likely to say things like “hold my beer and watch this”.

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Our Bad

Saturday, August 29, 2015 12:00 pm

Fidel Castro marked his 89th birthday by insisting the United States owes Cuba “many millions of dollars” because of 50 years of the American trade embargo.

Yes, of course. Also, we somehow made communism not work.

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Regrets

Friday, August 28, 2015 8:00 pm

Commenting on the toxic river spill in Colorado, EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy said “I am absolutely deeply sorry that this ever happened”.

Wait… the spill, or having to take responsibility for it?

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In Their Own Defense

Friday, August 28, 2015 4:00 pm

An EPA spokesmen defended the agency after the polluted-river debacle in Colorado, saying “we were very careful”.

The saddest part? That’s true… by government standards. Enjoy Obamacare.

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Surprising

Friday, August 28, 2015 8:00 am

A new study shows that frequent users of social media are more likely to feel inadequate when it comes to their careers and looks.

Really?… Not their spelling and grammar?

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Then They’ll Make It Mandatory

Thursday, August 27, 2015 8:00 pm

Hillary Clinton is planning to spend $350 billion to make college “more affordable”.

Great. Probably end up spending the whole wad just on the broken website you sign up at.

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Lots of Activity, No Progress

Thursday, August 27, 2015 4:00 pm

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a law that bans the word “alien” from the state’s labor laws.

Jerry, the problem isn’t what you call them, the problem is what side of the border you let them stay on.

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