Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

How Did That Happen?

Saturday, March 28, 2015 8:00 pm

Astronomers now say that the galaxy we live in is actually 50% larger than originally thought.

Just waiting for some environmentalist to claim it’s due to expansion from galactic warming.

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Burned

Saturday, March 28, 2015 12:00 pm

Coloradans reported seeing a “green fireball” soar across the sky before it burned out over the mountains.

Huh. Pretty good metaphor for an Obama-backed solar company.

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Wish Our Southern Border Were This Well-Protected

Friday, March 27, 2015 8:00 pm

The Secret Service is testing drone-jamming technology to keep unmanned aircraft from getting near the White House.

Wanna keep something away from the White House? Tell a reporter that it’ll make Obama look bad.

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Unpredictable

Friday, March 27, 2015 4:00 pm

Republican lawmakers warned the leaders of Iran that any nuclear deal they cut with President Obama could expire the day he leaves office.

That’s ridiculous. He’s never had a promise last that long.

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If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Nation

Friday, March 27, 2015 8:00 am

Students at the University of California Irvine voted to remove an American flag in their lobby, fearing it might “trigger” illegals to feel offended.

So… we don’t actually need a border fence, just flagpoles?

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It’s What She DIDN’T Say

Thursday, March 26, 2015 8:00 pm

Asked at a Senate hearing if climate change models are accurate, EPA Chief Gina McCarthy responded “I cannot answer that question”.

I think she just did.

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You Only See Shadows When You Turn Away from the Light

Thursday, March 26, 2015 4:00 pm

Commemorating the 50th anniversary of the civil rights march in Selma, President Obama said that America’s history of racial conflict “still casts its long shadow”.

Made all the longer by race-hustlers and poverty-pimps who pretend it’s still about lunch counters and drinking fountains.

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No Rabble-Rousing!

Thursday, March 26, 2015 8:00 am

In Connecticut, a man solicited donations on the Harvard campus for a charity connected to ISIS.

Good thing he wasn’t handing out free Bibles, he’d have been arrested for hate speech.

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Something Fishy, Maybe?

Wednesday, March 25, 2015 8:00 pm

A new report shows that there are 6 million people with active Social Security numbers who are 112 years old or older.

Hmmm… some of these people might be dead. Better cross-check with the Democrat voter rolls.

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And an Entire Handful of Magic Beans

Wednesday, March 25, 2015 4:00 pm

John Kerry said of the Iran negotiations, “we are not seeking a grand bargain”.

Heck, I’d count it as a win if he managed not to come home shirtless.

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Quick! Throw Money at It!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015 8:00 am

An Iowa man says he walks 17 miles to work every day because he can’t afford gas.

President Obama vowed to address the problem by investing billions on high-speed sidewalks.

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Record High Levels of Antipathy

Tuesday, March 24, 2015 8:00 pm

A new report shows that anti-American sentiment in Russia is now more intense than it was during the Soviet era.

Although still not quite as strong as it currently is in the White House.

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Choosing a Career Path

Tuesday, March 24, 2015 4:00 pm

A new report shows that 20% of released Gitmo detainees return to a life of terrorism.

The rest are split between “workplace violence” and “man-caused disasters”.

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Shockingly Powerful Destructive Force

Tuesday, March 24, 2015 8:00 am

Lockheed Martin has developed a laser weapon that destroyed a truck from a mile away.

Rumor has it they got the idea from watching Obama trying to help the auto industry.

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Ready for the Big Time

Monday, March 23, 2015 8:00 pm

The Pentagon will host an international competition to test robots’ capabilities of helping out in a simulated disaster.

Top prize: becoming the first robot Mayor of Detroit.

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So Unfair

Monday, March 23, 2015 4:00 pm

A second-grader wrote to Michelle Obama to complain that she “ruined Taco Tuesday”.

Ouch! That sort of thing must be really hard for Michelle. He’s too young to audit.

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There Is No Plan B

Monday, March 23, 2015 8:00 am

White House spokesman Josh Earnest said the Obama administration has “no contingency plan” if the Supreme Court rules against Obamacare.

And if they rule in favor, you won’t be able to afford the premium on a contingency plan.

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Obviously I Need Help

Sunday, March 22, 2015 8:00 pm

Michelle Obama said that “my husband believes strongly” that getting mental health treatment is a “sign of strength”.

Too bad he thinks that a love of liberty is a mental illness.

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Another Clinger

Sunday, March 22, 2015 12:00 pm

Jane Fonda said “the problem of patriarchy” is partly responsible for the rise in terrorism.

Sounds like she’s just bitter that ISIS doesn’t have an anti-aircraft gun for her to pose next to.

[title reference link]

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Easy Fix

Saturday, March 21, 2015 8:00 pm

China now plans to cap the population of the city of Beijing at 23 million in 2020.

Oh, do you have too many people in your city? Maybe we can loan you a former Detroit Mayor…

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