Flashing a Wallet Full of 100s Also Helps

Scientists have discovered that altering someone’s brain chemistry can affect how that person makes decisions.

Uh huh. I think non-scientists call it “buying her a drink”.

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Just Another Reason for Trump to Kill That Particular Budget Item

Astronomers are now proposing that alien space craft may be the source of recently-detected “radio signal bursts” from other galaxies.

Either that or hipsters are parked outside the observatory with NPR cranked up.

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Put In Arugula and Obama Would Order One

In Mexico, a chef made a taco containing shrimp, caviar, truffle, and gold flakes to create the world’s most expensive taco at $25,000.

We could make that in the US for half that, although, ironically, only by using illegal laborers from Mexico.

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Even More Average-Man-Friendly than “The Homer”

Commercial airline manufacturer Airbus is showing off a futuristic flying car at the Geneva Motor Show

Sounds great. Now we just need a flying Wal-Mart with a flying parking lot.

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Drown Me! Roast Me! Hang Me!

Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer is now threatening to shut down the federal government to prevent Republicans from passing immigration reform.

Help. Help. Anything but the briar patch

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A Worst-Case Scenario in Trump’s America

Newly-obtained NSA documents reveal that the government has had Donald Trump under illegal surveillance.

That’s horrible! What if the information leaked out and people learned how to make money in real estate?

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Job One: Arrest the Midget with the Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator

Good news! Scientists have determined that potatoes can be grown in Martian soil.

Well, at least we know the new Mars colony will be well stocked with police, railroads, and whiskey.

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I Think I’d Rather Have Robots Whose Mission Is to Protect Me from Government

Physicist Stephen Hawking said that “some form of world government” will be necessary to keep technology from destroying humanity.

Absolutely, we need their expert protection. Assuming they can manage two phones at once

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You Don’t Have to Let Melania Win

A new poll shows that Melania Trump’s favorability rating is up 16 points since her husband was sworn in as President.

Yes, it IS nice having a First Lady who doesn’t pull your arms out of their sockets when she loses at HoloChess.

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Technology’s Not Ready to Solve This Problem

A new technology can locate the exact position where a gun is fired and report it immediately to law enforcement authorities.

Should work great, except in Chicago, where it’d be like trying to locate one kernel going off in a bag of popcorn.

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At Some Point, Trump Is Going to Ask Kim Jong Un “Why So Serious?”

North Korea said it would continue to pursue its nuclear deterrent and weapons program.

You don’t know who you’re messing with, Kim Jong… even Trump’s haircut is crazier than yours.

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Only Slightly Less Pathetic Than Writing Fundraising Emails for Hillary Clinton

The city of Portland, Maine, is considering giving jobs to panhandlers.

How about… PBS pledge drive phone bank operator?

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It’s Happened Since 2008, Why Break the Pattern Now?

Sources close to Hillary Clinton say that she’s “thinking” about running for Mayor of New York City.

We’ll know she’s serious when an unknown outsider with no substantive political experience announces he’ll run against her.

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Oddly, Not a Single Disgruntled Hollywood Celebrity Among Them

The border patrol in Canada is struggling to keep up with the flood of hundreds of illegals who are fleeing the US, afraid that Trump will deport them.

Guess Canada need to develop something more effective than their current system of syrup-covered-moose sticky-traps.

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I’ll Even Provide the Jester Hat

Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer says he will do everything in his power to keep Trump from building a wall.

I’m hoping that effort works as well for Chuck as it did for Fortunato in “The Cask of Amontillado“.

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