Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

Space Race Redux

Saturday, September 20, 2014 12:00 pm

President Vladimir Putin ordered construction sped up on a multi-billion-dollar spaceport in Russia.

In response, Obama has boosted NASA’s budget so much that they no longer have to re-use coffee filters in the break room.

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Challenges

Friday, September 19, 2014 8:00 pm

John Kerry said we need to put together “a coalition of countries” to defeat ISIS in Iraq.

Great idea. Now for the tricky part: convincing Obama the US should be one of the countries.

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Wave of the Future

Friday, September 19, 2014 4:00 pm

Sprint has introduced a cellphone that’s aimed at kids as young as 5.

Great. So now when you tell them to go play outside, they ask “which app is that?”

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Useful Tool

Friday, September 19, 2014 8:00 am

Coming to the US soon: a humanoid robot named “Pepper” that can speak, dance, and make jokes.

Depending on the price tag, Josh Earnest may be out of a job.

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Obvious Solution

Thursday, September 18, 2014 8:00 pm

Kevin Concannon, USDA undersecretary for food, nutrition, and consumer services said strict school lunch rules are necessary because obesity is “a national security issue”.

Easy fix. Just let the schools have “undocumented menus”.

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At This Point, It’s the Best Case Scenario

Thursday, September 18, 2014 4:00 pm

Geophysicists say the volcano under Yellowstone could undergo a “super eruption” which would blanket the entire country in ash.

And STILL cause less damage than fully implementing Obamacare.

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Simple Solution

Thursday, September 18, 2014 8:00 am

The government’s National Science Foundation is spending $1 million to create an online database that will track “false and misleading ideas” on Twitter.

Seems like a waste of money when you can follow @WhiteHouse for free.

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Not Caught Isn’t the Same As Not Guilty

Wednesday, September 17, 2014 8:00 pm

A new report shows that the Australian Bureau of Meteorology manipulated temperature data to show “global warming” where none actually exists.

How sad. That unfairly taints those poor reputable climate scientists who didn’t get caught lying.

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Who’s Paying for the Welcome Mat?

Wednesday, September 17, 2014 4:00 pm

While introducing Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, California Governor Jerry Brown said that illegal immigrants are “all welcome in California”.

Feeling less welcome in California: overtaxed businesses that pay for their benefits.

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This Science Is Settled

Wednesday, September 17, 2014 8:00 am

Scientists have set a new record by cooling molecules to a temperature of 25 thousandths of a degree above absolute zero.

Other scientists are already claiming that the accomplishment is proof of global warming.

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Skynet (Beta)

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 8:00 pm

Researchers are developing a system that will allow robots to download anything they need to know from the internet.

Basically, the robotic version of a teenager writing a book report.

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Welcome to the World of Tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 4:00 pm

Florida Polytechnic University’s new library is fully digital and doesn’t contain a single book.

And the whole thing is run by an mp3 of a librarian saying “Shhh!”

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Exit Strategy

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 8:00 am

A new report shows that governments all over the world can now track you using your cell phone.

There’s only one way off the grid: email Lois Lerner.

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It Makes Troubles Go Away!

Monday, September 15, 2014 8:00 pm

In Pennsylvania, a stolen life-size statue of Obama was found in a park with a 6-pack next to it.

Which is just about as effective as the real Obama’s strategy for dealing with ISIS.

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Popular Destination

Monday, September 15, 2014 4:00 pm

A new poll shows that 34% of Mexicans would like to move to the USA.

I’m guessing the other 66% already have.

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Check Your Premises

Monday, September 15, 2014 8:00 am

Venezuela’s food shortage is so bad the country is mandating that people scan their fingerprints at grocery stores in order to keep people from buying too much food.

Which might help… if the shortages were caused by too much food-buying instead of too much socialism.

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First Lady or the Paper Tiger?

Sunday, September 14, 2014 8:00 pm

A new poll shows that 52% are glad that Obama won instead of Hillary in 2008.

Nearly a toss-up. Kinda like asking if you want your house to burn from the roof down or the basement up.

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Let’s Go With the Obvious Explanation

Sunday, September 14, 2014 12:00 pm

Some scientists now say that subsurface ocean warming explains why global average air temperatures have flatlined since 1999.

Yes, must be all those fish driving SUVs.

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New NASA Outreach Program?

Saturday, September 13, 2014 8:00 pm

A new report claims that scientists have discovered traces of marine life living on the exterior of the International Space Station.

Great. Probably declare the place a “protected wetland” and kick out all the astronauts.

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Or, More Commonly, “Stop”

Saturday, September 13, 2014 12:00 pm

A new report shows there’s no end in sight for the current global warming “pause”.

Guess we need a government program to restart it so we can keep all our government programs to fight it.

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