That’s a Lie! We Don’t Eat Cheese!

French President Emmanuel Macron said he wants to remind the world that France is a nuclear power, too.

Yes, we can tell by all the missile silos they’ve installed to defend their white flag factories.

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If You’re Injured, You Are Replaceable. If You Injure the NFL Brand… Ditto

This is ridiculous. Now NFL players are taking their stupid sideline protests onto the field.

I’m not a fan of this trend. The only thing I want to see my team defiantly opposing is the other team beating them.

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Crystal Pepsi’s Back? Did We Accidentally Travel Back to the 90s?

After eight months in isolation in a small dome on a remote island in Hawaii, a Mars mission simulation crew is finally emerging back into the world.

I expect they’ll go back in once they find out there’s no wall, tax cuts, or Obamacare repeal.

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Also, A Mountain of Itch and a Forest of Discomfort

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un threatened to turn America into a “sea of flames“.

It’s hard to take a dictator seriously when he sounds like a hemorrhoid commercial.

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Strangers to One Another

Because a conservative will be giving a talk on campus at UC Berkeley, students and employees whose “sense of safety and belonging” become compromised have been offered counseling.

One of the few times you’ll see “Berkeley” and “sense” in the same sentence.

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I’d Love to Beat Their Stupid Punk Heads in, So That Means I’m Not a Hate Group

Antifa activists are saying that when facing hateful ideologies, violence becomes necessary.

Makes sense. So why haven’t they signed up for a tour in Afghanistan?

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Funny How Communist Countries Are Never Big Exporter Nations

North Korea threatened to use nuclear weapons to reduce the US to “ashes and darkness“.

Ironically, that’s also all a typical North Korean has to eat for breakfast.

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It’s a Ruff Situation

With players continuing to kneel during the national anthem, NFL ratings are slumping lower than ever.

Goodell better get this sorted out or the entire NFL will get replaced by players from the Puppy Bowl.

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I Thought Episodes of Gilligan’s Island Already Did That?

A research group at SETI plans to design and send messages intended for extraterrestrial recipients.

Uh oh… we’re gonna need a bigger wall.

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Isn’t Having to Listen to These Climate Change Twerps Punishment Enough?

Rising on the left: making it a crime to voice skepticism of global warming.

Deal… as long as there’s also a death penalty for making a mistaken climate prediction.

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Doing That IS Trump’s Specialty

A new poll shows that 61% say that it’s time for Hillary to be retired.

Other 39% say she should run again so that she can be refired.

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And If That Doesn’t Get the Results They Want, They’ll Make It Mandatory

A city in Maryland is giving noncitizens the right to vote.

Good. Then I’m voting we kick Maryland out of the union.

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Hungry, Tired, and… Whatever the Unimportant Ones Are

A new study shows that humans have 27 distinct emotional states.

I’m sure liberals will insist it’s one for each gender.

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Also, the Only State Completely Immune to Global Warming

A new survey shows that Minnesota is the happiest state in America.

Probably because, at the rate we’re going, it’ll be the only state not to get nailed by a hurricane.

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Can You Imagine What He’d Get Were He a Toddler?

As part of the new “enhanced” pat-down, one passenger had his crotch touched by a TSA agent 8 times.

That’s just being ridiculously overly cautious. It’s not like he was a wheelchair-bound grandmother.

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