Help! Help! They’re Being Repressed!

DNC Chair Donna Brazile blamed Hillary’s loss on “voter suppression” efforts in key states that Donald Trump carried.

Donna, if Republicans had the faintest notion of how to suppress votes, Trump would be succeeding President McCain.

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Where Can I Donate to Help Hillary Get the Justice She Deserves?

A group of computer scientists and election lawyers are working to convince Hillary Clinton’s campaign that she should challenge the results of the election.

For selfish reasons, I fully support a recount: the only thing better than watching Hillary lose is watching her lose twice.

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I Always Told My Parents This, But They Never Listened

A Japanese scientist has discovered that consuming ice cream for breakfast improves a person’s alertness and mental performance.

Even better news: until Trump repeals Obamacare, it’s mandatory and government-funded (sprinkles extra).

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Hillary Deserves the Cell Next to Blago

Donald Trump is reversing his campaign promise to prosecute Hillary and now says that he will NOT pursue charges against her.

That’s fine. Time for some national healing anyway. But could we at least strand her on an island with a cache of rum, a pistol, and one shot?

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Surprisingly Hard to Find the Full Text of This on the Internet

Newsweek revealed that they never actually read the contents of their now-infamous “Madam President” commemorative issue.

So… very much like a normal issue, since no one else in the country read it either.

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Will You Be Surprised By This Story Out of Cuba?

In Cuba, the jeep carrying Fidel Castro’s ashes broke down on the way to the cemetery.

I find that hard to believe. Cuba had a jeep that ran?

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A Statement Met With Far Less Bowing Than Originally Anticipated

Iran said that if the US re-imposes sanctions on it, “the Islamic Republic would definitely react“.

With jaw-dropping and pants-wetting, mostly.

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Your Tuition Covers Matches and Gasoline

The University of Pittsburgh’s School of Social Work encouraged its professors to offer students extra credit to participate in an anti-Trump rally in downtown Pittsburgh.

Don’t know why that’s newsworthy. I’m sure they’d have done exactly the same if Hillary had won.

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No Relation to Frank’s Kid

An Iowa lawmaker announced his plan to introduce a bill he calls “Suck it Up, Buttercup,” which targets state universities that used taxpayer funds to coddle students after the election by providing things like cry-ins, counselors, or therapy animals.

Expect students to dry their eyes just long enough to protest this bill with burnings and smashings.

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I Can Get You a LOT of Extra Cash for That Project

A group of researchers in England have suggested that imposing a massive tax on carbon intensive foods like meat and dairy could help combat climate change.

They need more tax money? Start by pulling funding on any researchers who suggest raising taxes, because we have that idea now.

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Look, Why Doesn’t Everyone in DC Just Play Minecraft for the Next Couple Months?

In a memo encouraging her staff to quickly pass more regulations, EPA chief Gina McCarthy said “we’re running – not walking – through the finish line of President Obama’s presidency”.

Bet she’s the kind of person who floors it through intersections because “the light’s only been red a few seconds”.

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And Heading My List of Fake Republicans…

Republican Congressman Ron Paul has released a list of “fake news” journalists.

I’ll forgo trolling libertarians in favor of noting that a list of real news journalists would’ve been quicker to write.

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Easy Fix: Just Force Them to Use a Larger Font

A new study shows that forcing fast food chains to put calorie counts on their menus has not affected people’s eating habits.

Good. Now let McDonald’s sue the FDA for the expense of printing all that useless propaganda and see how that affects regulatory habits.

[Note: I wrote the headline as a joke. Turns out that was an actual recommendation in the article]

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Maybe Obama Didn’t Think This One Through

President Obama said we need “to make sure that the benefits of the global economy are shared by more people.”

OK… so then why does Obamacare cover birth control?

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Common Sense & Starbucks

Some Republican voters are trolling Starbucks baristas by telling them their name is “Trump” so they have to write it on the coffee cup and say it out loud when it’s ready.

I love tweaking libs as much as the next guy, but my definition of clever ain’t “make someone angry and then take a cup of fluid from them that you didn’t watch them prepare”

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