Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

It Still Matters

Wednesday, April 23, 2014 4:00 pm

The State Department says it’s unable to determine what happened to $6 billion of its budget.

Well, it’s a pretty safe bet it wasn’t accidentally overspent on ambassadorial security.

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It’s a Very Clever Device, and 100% Accurate

Wednesday, April 23, 2014 8:00 am

A political science professor at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln has developed a machine that can determine whether a person is liberal or conservative.

I assume it’s a TV tuned to Fox News.

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The Choom Must Flow

Tuesday, April 22, 2014 8:00 pm

Federal agents have uncovered two drug-smuggling tunnels underneath the US-Mexico border equipped with rail systems for moving contraband.

President Obama called the situation “deplorable” and vowed to upgrade them to high-speed rail ASAP.

[title reference link]

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Still Waiting for Golf Digest’s “Best Courses” Issue

Tuesday, April 22, 2014 4:00 pm

Elite Traveler magazine has released its list of the top 100 restaurants in the world.

Someone please be sure to tell Obama that it’s not meant as a vacation planning guide.

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As a Republican, I Advise Democrats to Do What He Says

Tuesday, April 22, 2014 8:00 am

Former DNC Chair Howard Dean advised Democrats to “campaign like crazy” on Obamacare.

Sound advice. No one knows crazy campaigning better than Howard. YEEEEAAAAAH!

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Alan Greenspan Would Get This Joke

Monday, April 21, 2014 8:00 pm

Scientists are saying that there’s no truth to the rumors that a giant underground super-volcano in Yellowstone National Park is about to erupt.

They did, however, say it was an excellent metaphor for Obama printing money to cover the federal debt.

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We KNOW Your Legacy, Mrs. Clinton

Monday, April 21, 2014 4:00 pm

Asked at the Women of the World Summit in New York City what she was most proud of during her tenure as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton could not provide any concrete examples.

Just 4 slabs of granite.

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Also, the Plot for the Sequel to Office Space

Monday, April 21, 2014 8:00 am

During a high-profile criminal trial, an alcoholic Manhattan court stenographer repeatedly typed, “I hate my job, I hate my job” instead of the trial dialogue.

Eliciting a brief letter from Jay Carney, which said simply “live the dream, bro”.

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It’s Really Scary

Sunday, April 20, 2014 8:00 pm

A new poll shows Americans trust the IRS more than Facebook.

I suppose Facebook might’ve scored better on the survey if they had the power to audit their critics, too.

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Russia May File a Complaint With the UN Over This

Sunday, April 20, 2014 12:00 pm

In response to Russia’s Ukraine actions, NASA suspended the exchange of emails with Russian officials.

Poor Russia. Now they’ll never acquire the technology to underfund a space agency.

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Plenty of Dogs, Though

Saturday, April 19, 2014 8:00 pm

A new study shows that vegetarian diets lead to a lower quality of life.

It’s true. Ever seen a cow living in a mansion?

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A Solution for Any Problem

Saturday, April 19, 2014 12:00 pm

A new survey shows that Obamacare will cost large companies $5,000 more per employee and add hundreds of millions to their overhead.

Something needs to be done about that. Quick! Raise the minimum wage!

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Large Wooden Badger, Maybe?

Friday, April 18, 2014 8:00 pm

The State Department plans to spend $400,000 in taxpayer money to purchase a camel statue for the new American embassy in Pakistan.

That’d be a good investment, if it were hollow and filled with Marines.

[title reference link]

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He Really Obama-ed That Prediction

Friday, April 18, 2014 4:00 pm

Despite Obama’s promise of “$2500 in savings”, 75% of Obamacare enrollees actually saw their premiums increase.

Obama gets it wrong so often, if that man were a stopped clock, he’d find a way to only be right once a day.

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Familiar to the Founders

Friday, April 18, 2014 8:00 am

During a speech in DC, Nancy Pelosi said that Obamacare gives people the “healthier life that our Founders wanted for them”.

More like giving people another tax our Founders would want to chuck into the nearest harbor.

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It Matters Who You Are

Thursday, April 17, 2014 8:00 pm

The White House is angry with Samsung because it used Obama’s selfie with David Ortiz to promote their phones.

Think Obama’d be so cranky if it were a bankrupt solar company doing it?

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It’s a Crazy Religion

Thursday, April 17, 2014 4:00 pm

Saudi Arabia has declared all atheists to be terrorists in a new law to crack down on political dissidents.

Good move, what with them always attacking people while yelling “No one akbar!”.

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Beautiful Plumage, Though

Thursday, April 17, 2014 8:00 am

In England, a garden center had to remove a parrot from the showroom floor because it kept swearing at the customers.

Lesson learned: never buy a used parrot from Rahm Emanuel.

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A Common Reaction

Wednesday, April 16, 2014 8:00 pm

The Daily Mail published pictures of confused and startled Amazon tribesmen jabbing their spears skyward upon seeing an airplane for the first time.

Sorta like watching Democrats react to Paul Ryan’s budget.

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Not Progressive Enough

Wednesday, April 16, 2014 4:00 pm

North Dakota’s oil industry is growing so fast that the infrastructure of local towns is having a hard time keeping pace.

They need to slow things down. Quick! Elect some Democrats!

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