Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

Finish the Sentence

Wednesday, July 29, 2015 8:00 am

Tweeted from Tehran after the nuclear deal: “The Iranians showed that they are civilized and rational people”.

…ruled by dictators, liars, and genocidal madmen.

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Solid Foundation

Tuesday, July 28, 2015 8:00 pm

Speaking on the nuclear deal with Iran, President Obama said “this deal is not built on trust. It is built on verification.”

Well, I certainly can’t argue with… that first part.

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Picky

Tuesday, July 28, 2015 4:00 pm

The Obama administration has revived a proposal to reimburse physicians for talking with their Medicare patients about how patients want to be cared for as they near death.

So… is “not by an Obamacare doctor” an option?

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Teamwork

Tuesday, July 28, 2015 8:00 am

Scientists have wired monkeys’ brains together to create a sort of mind-melded living computer.

And yet it *still* displays less groupthink than MSNBC.

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No Offense

Monday, July 27, 2015 8:00 pm

During nuclear negotiations, Iran’s foreign minister warned “never threaten an Iranian”.

Hard to avoid when you can make an Iranian feel threatened by doodling on a napkin.

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Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Monday, July 27, 2015 4:00 pm

The San Francisco Zoo reports that a small, venomous snake is missing from its new exhibit.

Another day, another killer on the loose in Sanctuary City.

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Threats

Monday, July 27, 2015 8:00 am

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson said “we want to get at people who are threats to public safety who are undocumented.”

I’m guessing to get them documents.

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Up. Way, Way Up

Sunday, July 26, 2015 8:00 pm

A new report shows that the premiums on many Obamacare policies are due to “skyrocket” next year.

If they go any higher, NASA will fold them into the space program.

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“Antoinetting” Is Now a Verb

Sunday, July 26, 2015 12:00 pm

Michelle Obama unveiled her “modest” remodel of the White House State Dining Room, which cost $590,000.

And it’s a fair bet that nothing that gets served there would be permitted in a school cafeteria.

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Oddly, Ayn Rand Might Agree

Saturday, July 25, 2015 8:00 pm

Avowed socialist and Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said that income inequality is “the great moral issue of our time”.

Second only to stopping liberals from trying to fix it by force.

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Safe & Secure

Saturday, July 25, 2015 12:00 pm

Asked about the threat of terrorism, President Obama said “I’m going to do what’s necessary to protect the homeland”.

That’s nice… whose?

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Inequality Is a Hate Crime

Friday, July 24, 2015 8:00 pm

The New York Times reports that counties that vote Republican tend to have more intact families.

Well I’m sure SCOTUS will waste no time redefining “intact” to fix that problem.

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Isn’t That the One That Says You Don’t Talk About Constitutional Amendments?

Friday, July 24, 2015 4:00 pm

A new poll shows that only 19% of Americans know that the First Amendment guarantees freedom of religion.

Wish the rate were that high in Obama’s administration.

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I Know *I* Would

Friday, July 24, 2015 8:00 am

A senior Iranian military official said that the US was “the enemy” of his country, because our goal is “putting them in chains”.

Well, would they prefer the OTHER remedy for mad dogs?

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New Leaf

Thursday, July 23, 2015 8:00 pm

Jane Fonda warned about the perils of climate change, calling it “the issue of our civilization”.

Odd. Since when did she ever root for civilization to win?

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In the Broadest Sense of the Term

Thursday, July 23, 2015 4:00 pm

The Associated Press described the economy under Obama as “a nearly healthy US job market”.

Uh huh. And a horse with a broken leg is “nearly American Pharoah“.

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Limits

Thursday, July 23, 2015 8:00 am

President Obama said the last few Supreme Court decisions “should remind us there is nothing America cannot do”.

Actually, it reminds us that there are some things her government shouldn’t.

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She Has a History

Wednesday, July 22, 2015 8:00 pm

During an interview on CNN, Hillary Clinton said “people should and do trust me”.

Although not all of them live to tell the tale.

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Now You Don’t Have to Watch the Movie

Wednesday, July 22, 2015 4:00 pm

Speaking in Wisconsin, President Obama joked that the Republicans have enough candidates “for an actual Hunger Games”.

Well, Obama’s certainly seems like the kind of administration that would oversee it.

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Barack Loves Him Some Commies

Wednesday, July 22, 2015 8:00 am

President Obama welcomed the leader of Vietnam’s Communist Party to the White House for “historic and candid” talks.

Nice photo op. All it needed was Jane Fonda on an anti-aircraft gun.

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