Also, Stay Away from Stephen Hawking’s Page

A new study shows that when you’re reading Facebook, your perception of time becomes distorted.

Pfft! Psychologists and their easy answers. Obviously the problem is that Facebook accelerates you closer to the speed of light.

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Strong, Independent Woman… Until It’s Time to Pay for Dinner

Trying to appear feminist, Hillary Clinton appeared in a video declaring “the future is female”.

I’m fine with that, as long as the future doesn’t try to make me pay for its birth control.

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Bulls Don’t Kill Flies, They Just Tail-Swoosh Them

MSNBC’s Katy Tur suggested that Donald Trump will eventually be responsible for the “suspicious deaths” of journalists he dislikes.

First he’d have to notice them. But then he’d just tweet at them. Katy’s bitter that there’ll never be one about her.

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Then There’s the Other Reason for Trying It

A new study shows that meditation is better than prescription drugs for treating anxiety.

Good, because you sure as heck can’t afford the latter under Obamacare.

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One of These Should Be Included With Every Elective Office and/or Hollywood Fundraiser

A new watch tells boring people when it’s time to shut up.

Oh… I thought that’s what it meant whenever the display lights up on an Apple Watch.

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Forget Trump… I Know Where You Can Find REAL Jackbooted Government Thugs

In a blow to the Obamacare individual mandate, the IRS now says that it won’t reject a tax return for not answering the “do you have insurance” question that triggers the fine for being uninsured.

Now they just need to ditch that “are you now or have you ever been a member of the Tea Party” question.

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You Will Freak Out and Die After Reading This About Trump!

A therapist says that many of his clients are now suffering from “headline stress disorder” from overexposure to negative stories about President Trump.

Which makes me wonder how crazy the people are who WRITE the headlines.

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We’ll Have to Ask You to Leave the Country… If That’s OK With You, Eh?

Illegal immigrants in the United States are sneaking into Canada in record numbers to avoid deportation.

They’re not building a wall, but there IS talk of a maple syrup moat.

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Well, At Least Obama’s Birth Certificate Is Protected Now

The US Navy successfully tested a new shipboard missile defense system in Hawaii.

Cool!… Any chance we can FedEx it overnight to the coast of Connecticut?

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“And Then What?” Is Not a Question Liberals Habitually Ask

On Twitter, leftist comedian Sarah Silverman called for a military coup to overthrow President Trump

Completely overlooking the fact that none of her leftist friends have any guns to overthrow the military coup.

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Next Season of “The Apprentice” to Be Hosted by Groundskeeper Willie

To save money, some school districts are considering using students as janitors.

Economical. Also, it seems fair to make them clean up all those Michelle Obama school lunches they’re still throwing away every day.

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Quick Question

If Trump Is Hitler, does that make “Art of the Deal” his “Mein Kampf”?

Which would be odd, because it talks about building casinos, not concentration camps.

And unlike Obama’s book, he doesn’t even mention eating dogs.

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If We Go Union… Don’t Ask…

A new report shows that a Mexican border wall could be built in just two years.

Less, if we hire all the illegals at border town Home Depots.

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Wait… How Do We Know This Story’s Real?

A new study shows that “fake news” had no measurable effect on last November’s election results.

Well… there goes MSNBC’s business model.

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Put on a Happy Face

New research shows that you can overcome depression simply by standing up straight.

And here I thought the key to happiness was marching and littering in DC.

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