If We Wanted Your Regime Changed, We’d Saddam You

At a Non-Aligned Summit, the Presidents of both Venezuela and Cuba warned that the US was secretly trying to topple their governments.

Shameful. Hopefully our next President will do it openly.

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Somehow Reminds Me of the Jail Cell Scene in “The Dark Knight”

Now trending upward – installing tiny subcutaneous RFID chips to store data inside your body.

Swell. Can’t wait til Apple markets it as the iBump.

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Remember Back When the Navy Used Environmentally-Friendly Wind Power?

A Washington-based think tank, the Center for Climate and Security, said that climate change “presents a strategically-significant risk to US national security”.

Only if you try to make our soldiers’ guns solar powered.

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Post-Hillary-Election Wish List

Hillary Clinton said that being forced to take time off the campaign trail for health reasons “was actually a gift“.

Yea, and if she wins, I hope she gives us the gift of her absence as often as possible.

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Not Impossible. All He Has to Do Is Stay Out of the Way While We Do It Ourselves

In a recent speech, Donald Trump pledged to create 25 million jobs over the next decade.

Sounds low. You’re gonna need that many people working around the clock just to clean up the mess Obama left.

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Method to Obama’s Madness?

President Obama’s science adviser John Holdren said that the earth is vulnerable to a major asteroid strike.

Ah… so all that Obama nation-wrecking is actually just an attempt at a pre-SMOD mercy-killing?

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That’s One Way to Lower The Crime Rate

In Seattle, a task force is recommending the city create a “safe space” for people to use heroin.

I see. Kinda like how the entire City of Chicago is now a safe space for gangland shooters.

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Should’ve Taken That Left at Albuquerque

In New Hampshire, a protester rushed the stage and grabbed the microphone at a Tim Kaine rally.

We’ve all wanted to do that. Mostly so we can ask “why the heck would anyone attend a Tim Kaine rally?”

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Inhospitable

Private space company Blue Origins founder Jeff Bezos said he wouldn’t want to live on Mars because there’s “no whiskey and no bacon”.

Huh. Sounds like Saudi Arabia with redder sand and fewer terrorist training camps.

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It’s Easier When All the Newsies Cover for You

CBS News edited out a portion of an interview with Bill Clinton where he accidentally said that his wife passed out from dehydration “frequently”.

It’s hard to get water into her. She keeps using it to wash her servers before wiping.

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Foreign Policy, In Character

Donald Trump met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and “discussed at length Israel’s successful experience with a security fence that helped secure its borders”.

Hillary Clinton also met with Netanyahu, and asked if the Mossad had any good email-shredding software.

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Emphasizing Her Stature (and Character)

A new report shows that Hillary Clinton wanted to be allowed to stand on a step stool while she was debating Donald Trump.

Makes sense. Otherwise the audience wouldn’t be able to see her over her pile of lies.

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Surprisingly, Not Wearing a Plaid Onesie

During a Q & A session with Chelsea Clinton, the first questioner actually apologized for being a man.

I wouldn’t worry about that, friend. If you ever apologize for being a man, you aren’t one.

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But Enough About Me, Let’s Talk About You. What Do YOU Think of Me?

During a speech stumping for Hillary, President Obama mentioned himself 137 times.

Not sure how many times he mentioned Hillary. Depends on whether you count when he said “I don’t recall“.

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Finally! Transparency from the White House!

A White House staffer got her email hacked, revealing Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton’s private schedules, Secret Service plans, and even Michelle Obama’s passport.

Would’ve had their private medical data, too, but all of them are exempt from Obamacare. Don’t you wish YOU were?

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