Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

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Friday, October 24, 2014 8:00 pm

When asked to name one of Joe Biden’s accomplishments, one attendee at a political rally featuring Biden answered “he’s got a great grin”.

So does a jack-o’-lantern.

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Useful Idiot

Friday, October 24, 2014 4:00 pm

Asked to list successes in President Obama’s Iraq policy during a presser, the State Department’s Jen Psaki was unable to name one.

Probably had to bite her tongue to keep from saying “kept you from talking about Benghazi”.

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It’s Still an Honor

Friday, October 24, 2014 8:00 am

Officials in Hawaii have dropped plans to rename a popular beach for President Obama.

Instead, they’re going to name an extinct volcano “Obama’s Economy”.

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Renamed

Thursday, October 23, 2014 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

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Fine… I’ll Go Get the Hammer…

Thursday, October 23, 2014 8:00 pm

The producer of an anti-Obamacare movie was “coincidentally” hit with his first IRS audit ever.

Looks like it’s gonna be another busy day in the IRS’s IT department.

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Good News Is Bad News

Thursday, October 23, 2014 4:00 pm

A new report shows that US life expectancy rose again and death rates fell.

Oh, look… one of the few things the left WON’T say is a result of global warming.

Not that it is, but neither is anything else.

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Failsafe

Thursday, October 23, 2014 8:00 am

A new poll shows that only 24% of Americans say they have “confidence” in Obama’s plan for the economy.

The other 76% say they have confidence in the 22nd Amendment’s plan for Obama.

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One Ring Firepit

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 10:00 pm

Only $500 from Etsy. Yeah, it’s expensive, but can you really put a price on unassailable nerd cred?

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You Keep Using That Word…

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 8:00 pm

Despite putting out a book critical of the President, former CIA director Leon Panetta said “I am very loyal”.

Nope, sorry. In this administration, that’s defined as “STAYS under the bus”.

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What Obama Said, Only Pithier

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 4:00 pm

At a DNC fundraiser, President Obama said “there’s a sense that the world is spinning so fast and nobody is able to control it.”

Or, as the Founding Fathers liked to call it: “liberty”.

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Making Bad Book

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 8:00 am

At a press conference, President Obama said “the chances of an Ebola outbreak in the United States is extremely low”.

So, then, just at a guess… higher or lower than the chance of the government rolling out a functioning website?

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Nowhere to Run

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 8:00 pm

To avoid reporters, Lois Lerner went to a neighbor’s house, but they wouldn’t admit her.

How poetic – Lois: “Can I come in?”; Neighbor: “I plead the fifth”.

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A More Effective Strategy

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 4:00 pm

A school district in Washington state is phasing out swings on the playground, saying they cause more injuries than any other play equipment.

Good plan. Say… why not get the injury rate to zero and just ban kids?

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The Only One He Wants to Blame On Them

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 8:00 am

In New Jersey, the bomb squad was called to investigate a suspicious piece of luggage, but all it contained was stuffed animals.

Just waiting for Obama to claim it was a message from ISIS proving they represent a religion of peace.

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All Rights Are Paid For In Blood And/Or Treasure

Monday, October 20, 2014 8:00 pm

Maryland’s Democrat Governor Martin O’Malley said that “WiFi is a human right”.

Absolutely. As long as you pay the bills your provider sends.

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Ambiguous Terminology

Monday, October 20, 2014 4:00 pm

White House adviser Dan Pfeiffer told people not to worry about Ebola entering the country, because “the President’s focused on this every day.”

Wait… veterans-memorial-focused or Mexican-border-focused?

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A Detroit Deal

Monday, October 20, 2014 8:00 am

One Detroit homeowner is offering to swap a two-story brick colonial on Detroit’s east side for a new iPhone 6.

It’s a good trade for the iPhone owner… as long as he doesn’t have to take the rest of city, too.

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Credit Where It’s Due

Sunday, October 19, 2014 8:00 pm

During his weekly address, President Obama said the economic recovery was a “direct result” of his decisions.

While the rise of ISIS was just a bungle from his national security team.

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It Works for Everything Else, Right?

Saturday, October 18, 2014 8:00 pm

Fearing Ebola, five schools in Dallas are set to install remote temperature monitors in order to detect fevers among students.

Seems kind of expensive. Why not just post “Ebola-free zone” signs?

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It’s All In the Report

Saturday, October 18, 2014 12:00 pm

At the morning White House Press briefing, Josh Earnest said it was “demonstrably true” that al Qaeda has been “decimated”.

Oh, what happened? Did ISIS behead them?

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