Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

Fluctuating Exchange Rate

Thursday, July 31, 2014 8:00 am

In Hawaii, US Marines are field-testing a robotic pack mule that can carry up to 400 pounds.

No word on how many Taliban it will be traded for if captured.

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Now THAT’S Illegal!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 8:00 pm

Illegal immigrants are now crossing the border at designated “environmental areas” in an effort to avoid capture.

Good. Maybe they’ll step on an endangered newt & the left will finally want to do something.

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Starring Ashton Kutcher

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 4:00 pm

The Border Patrol reports that illegal immigrants are coming in with diseases “we haven’t seen in decades”.

Expect a new documentary about it, “That 70s Cough”.

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Turned the Hook & Ladder Into a Low-Rider

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 8:00 pm

Nancy Pelosi said that deporting illegal immigrants would be like “sending them back into a burning building”.

Nancy’s solution: let them live in the fire station.

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Was Data Integrity a Measure?

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 4:00 pm

During a recent speech, President Obama said “by almost every measure, we are better off than when I took office”.

And he’s got the numbers to prove it! Except they were on a hard drive that just crashed…

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Just a Minor and Unrepeatable Glitch

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 8:00 am

The Selective Service System mistakenly sent notices to more than 14,000 Pennsylvania men born between 1893 and 1897, ordering them to register for the nation’s military draft.

Don’t worry, I’m sure the government won’t bungle record-keeping like that when it’s in charge of your health care.

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MSNBC Stopped Returning His Calls

Monday, July 28, 2014 8:00 pm

During a stop in Texas, President Obama said that since he’s not running for office, “I’m just telling the truth now”.

Oh… so does this mean the media won’t report what he says anymore?

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It Would Be Consistent

Monday, July 28, 2014 4:00 pm

In Florida, a woman was arrested after being found doing yoga exercises naked in the middle of the road.

Waiting for liberals to claim it was because Hobby Lobby wouldn’t pay for her gym membership.

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Solving the Obvious Problem

Monday, July 28, 2014 8:00 am

Chrysler announced that its 2015 Dodge Challenger will come with a 707 horsepower engine.

Not to be outdone, GM’s Chevy Volt has added soundproof windows so you can’t hear people laughing at you.

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NEXT!

Sunday, July 27, 2014 8:00 pm

Researchers have unveiled a new smartphone app that warns pedestrians of impending vehicle collisions.

Very useful for Obama appointees wondering when it’s their turn under the bus.

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Does OSHA Know About This?

Sunday, July 27, 2014 12:00 pm

A new study shows that angry, hostile people are twice as likely to have a stroke.

Most dangerous job in America: MSNBC talk show host.

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Anybody Want a Peanut?

Saturday, July 26, 2014 8:00 pm

The San Francisco Giants organization is considering a policy to ban fans from wearing “culturally-insensitive” attire at AT&T Park.

Well, they had to make SOME sort of gesture to placate the offended Elevated-Americans that keep pestering them for a name change.

[title reference link]

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This Is New

Saturday, July 26, 2014 12:00 pm

Asked why he hasn’t visited the Mexican border, President Obama said “I’m not interested on photo ops”.

Absolutely. Just ask any Rose Garden doctor in a borrowed lab coat.

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Paper-work

Friday, July 25, 2014 8:00 pm

Lois Lerner’s IRS lawyer admitted that she “did print out some emails”.

Let me guess… she lost them all in a high-stakes, live-action, Rock-Paper-Scissors game?

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Don’t Make Them Angry. You Wouldn’t Like Them When They’re Angry

Friday, July 25, 2014 4:00 pm

The UN atomic agency said that insurgents in Iraq have stolen nuclear material from a research facility.

Better watch out, terrorists. You’re in serious danger of getting a resolution written at you.

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Say What You Want. We’ll Fix It in Post

Friday, July 25, 2014 8:00 am

It’s come out that in 2013, Lois Lerner warned her co-workers to “be cautious” about what information they put in emails because it could end up being turned over to Congress.

Translation: “the boys in the IT department said they’ve run out of replacement hard drives.”

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With Friends Like These…

Thursday, July 24, 2014 8:00 pm

President Obama wrote an open letter to Israel saying “true safety will only come with a comprehensive negotiated settlement”.

Oh… like that thing Chamberlain had in ’38?

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See? We’re Stopping Them!

Thursday, July 24, 2014 4:00 pm

DHS officials are closing off public roads along the border in an effort to keep journalists from reporting on the growing illegal immigration crisis.

Any chance we could get these DHS guys to face SOUTH when looking for people to turn away?

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It Ain’t Cheap

Thursday, July 24, 2014 8:00 am

President Obama submitted a request for an additional $3.7 billion to cover the costs of handling illegal immigrants.

Sounds kinda steep. Must be planning to print up a LOT of voter registration forms.

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There’s a Word for That

Wednesday, July 23, 2014 8:00 pm

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson said that our border is not “open” for illegal immigration.

True. Most experts on the topic describe it as “abierto“.

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