Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

Yay. He’s Helping.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015 8:00 pm

President Obama announced plans to regulate the use of small, commercial drones.

Wonderful. I’m sure he’ll do for aviation what he’s already done for health insurance.

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Patience Really Is a Virtue

Wednesday, March 4, 2015 4:00 pm

The US Ambassador to the UN, Samantha Power, said that defeating ISIS will “require more patience”.

Yes. Remember to take your time: inhale – exhale – sight picture – squeeze.

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The Good, the Bug, and the Ugly

Wednesday, March 4, 2015 8:00 am

Now on the internet: photos of dead bugs found in Michelle Obama’s “healthy” school lunches.

The good news: jumping up in revulsion counts as exercise under her “Let’s Move!” initiative.

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Very Healthful

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 8:00 pm

Democrat Congressman Earl Blumenauer has released a plan calling for “more research on the health effects of guns.”

Well, for starters, having one in the nightstand gives you a better night’s sleep than Ambien.

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Unclear on the Concept

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 4:00 pm

On MSNBC, State Department Spokesperson Marie Harf said of the fight against ISIS, “we cannot win this war by killing them”.

Oddly, a phrase never used by anyone who’s ever won a war.

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Be a Woman of the People

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 8:00 am

Nancy Pelosi traveled with a congressional delegation to Cuba to mark an easing of trade restrictions with the Castro regime.

If there were any justice in the world, she’d have had to return via rubber raft.

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Works Every Time

Monday, March 2, 2015 8:00 pm

Hoping to stem illegal wildlife trafficking, the Obama administration introduced an aggressive plan to fight it.

Wrong strategy. Really want to it to stop? Give it a green energy grant.

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A Practical Solution

Monday, March 2, 2015 4:00 pm

David Axelrod’s suggestion for dealing with ISIS: “let’s isolate the extremists”.

I agree. For example, by isolating them from the living by six feet of earth.

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Need to Sell More Hillary Bobbleheads with Forgetful Concussion Action

Monday, March 2, 2015 8:00 am

A new report shows that Hillary Clinton’s PAC can’t even raise half the money it needs for expenses.

We, she certainly seems to be Democrat presidential material in the budgeting department.

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Has Everyone Just Forgotten How This Started?

Sunday, March 1, 2015 8:00 pm

Josh Earnest said that more people feel a “direct impact” from climate change than from terrorism.

Unless they’re in a tall building near a passenger jet, of course.

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Even Scarier Than “I’m From the Government and I’m Here to Help”

Sunday, March 1, 2015 12:00 pm

Sounding bold notes in foreign policy, President Obama said “ISIL is on the defensive, and ISIL is going to lose”.

If he really wanted to be threatening, he should’ve said “if you like your ISIL, you can keep your ISIL”.

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It Only Matters What You Can Prove

Saturday, February 28, 2015 8:00 pm

During a recent interview, President Obama said of higher taxes that there’s “no evidence that would hurt the incentives” of companies to produce.

Mostly because they’re not in business anymore to gather evidence from.

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Breaking New Ground

Saturday, February 28, 2015 12:00 pm

While on suspension, NBC says it will review a “dossier of Williams’s apparent lies”.

The hardest part for the reviewer: remembering he’s supposed to catch them, not cover them up.

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It’s Coming

Friday, February 27, 2015 4:00 pm

During his weekly address, President Obama said “America is poised for another good year”.

Yes, starting January 20th, 2017.

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Not the Willie Nelson One

Friday, February 27, 2015 8:00 am

John Kerry said that the US is “on the road” to defeating ISIS.

Hmmm… would that be the one that’s paved with good intentions?

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It’s Like People Just Don’t Care!

Thursday, February 26, 2015 8:00 pm

The University of Michigan spent $16,000 on posters cautioning students not to say things that might hurt others’ feelings.

Hey! That’s completely insensitive to the illiterate!

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‘Tis the Season

Thursday, February 26, 2015 4:00 pm

Experts are warning that identity thieves are filing fake tax returns to get refunds.

So dishonest. Why can’t they be more like Al Sharpton and just not file?

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I Don’t Think That’s an Actual Worry We Have

Thursday, February 26, 2015 8:00 am

President Obama released a new national security blueprint for his last two years in office that warns against American “overreach” abroad.

Kinda hard to overreach with our hands tied.

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Also, Holding a Box of Donuts Hostage

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 8:00 pm

In Springfield, MA, a man stole a police cruiser and drove around the city while taunting police over the radio.

Sort of a vehicular version of Putin’s foreign policy.

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So Glad She’s In Charge

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 4:00 pm

The latest round of Michelle-approved school lunch photos hitting the internet features moldy meat, cheese, and bread.

Very healthy. Lose weight AND make your own penicillin.

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