The Biggest Hazard in America

Oops! At JFK airport, workers were caught on video entering restricted areas without security checks.

Even worse, some of them had worked more than 29 hours that week.

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Their Cup of Tea

A former White House reporter said that most members of the media were “happy to be managed” by Obama.

The rest were merely ecstatic.

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The Upside of Bill Clinton

During a campaign stop in South Dakota, Bill Clinton said “I sometimes feel that I’m totally useless in this election season”.

Not so. Thanks to Bill, a whole new generation of young people are finding out what “impeached” means.

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The Good, The Bot, and the Ugly

Ranchers are now able to use specialized robots to watch after their cattle herds.

Also, the rumored plot of “City Slickers 3”.

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Sub-Optimal

Speaking with Breitbart News, Donald Trump warned that Hillary Clinton’s lax border security plan would be “catastrophic for the country”.

Hillary was furious, since he didn’t offer an option to hear his interview in Spanish.

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Like a Zootopian Sloth Joke

The head of the TSA warned that the already too-long security lines at the airport will only get longer as the summer travel season progresses.

Wanna get people through faster? Try using the Border Patrol’s procedures.

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Set Thine House In Order, For Thou Shalt Die And Not Live

Pakistan accused the US of violating its sovereignty with a drone strike against the leader of the Afghan Taliban.

And if they don’t start offing the Taliban on their own, we’re going to violate their nuclear-free zones, too.

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The New Gold Rush

At a campaign stop in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton said that if she wins the White House, she will put Bill “in charge of revitalizing the economy.”

Fantastic. America will become the OPEC of overpriced corporate speeches.

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Better at Spending Than Obama

Donald Trump said that his bid for the Presidency will be a “complete waste” if he doesn’t win.

And if he doesn’t win, that will be Hillary’s economic policy.

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Clarification Requested

A frozen custard shop in Milwaukee is under investigation by the federal government for only speaking English to its customers.

Wait… if you don’t speak English, how do you know they sell anything you want to eat?

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