Archive for the ‘One-Shots’ Category

Not Progressive Enough

Wednesday, April 16, 2014 4:00 pm

North Dakota’s oil industry is growing so fast that the infrastructure of local towns is having a hard time keeping pace.

They need to slow things down. Quick! Elect some Democrats!

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Compromises

Wednesday, April 16, 2014 8:00 am

Sources report that the networks refused to give President Obama a primetime hour to brag about reaching his goal for Obamacare enrollment.

So… we have to settle for only hearing about it 23 hours a day?

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So Trendy

Tuesday, April 15, 2014 8:00 pm

Phil Schiliro, the White House adviser for health policy, said that Obamacare “is a very popular thing for people”.

Yes, not getting socked with a fine for doing nothing is practically the new iPhone.

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Very Annoying

Tuesday, April 15, 2014 4:00 pm

The city of Philadelphia is using “Mosquito” devices that emit a high-pitched whine to keep teens from loitering.

Waste of money. Could just use a tape of Harry Reid on the Senate floor.

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Might Be Useful for Something

Tuesday, April 15, 2014 8:00 am

Scientists have used brain scanners to read people’s minds and reconstruct the faces that people are thinking of.

Good. Install it at the airport. If you see 72 virgins, time for a patdown.

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New Euphemism for a Dead Parrot – “He’s Seen the Panel”

Monday, April 14, 2014 8:00 pm

At a Rose Garden press conference, President Obama said America’s health care system is “a lot better”.

Oh, *I* get it – kinda like when you say someone’s in a “better” place while delivering a eulogy.

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There’s a Reason He’s Saying This Now

Monday, April 14, 2014 4:00 pm

Vice President Joe Biden said “11 million undocumented aliens are already Americans in my view”.

Apparently also in Joe’s view: a calendar showing that it’s an election year.

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Things Are Tough All Over

Monday, April 14, 2014 8:00 am

The Obama Administration through Attorney General Eric Holder has a new plan: free cell phones and bus fare for convicts.

Must be the sequester cuts. I remember when they gave criminals free guns, too.

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Shocking, But True

Sunday, April 13, 2014 8:00 pm

At a congressional hearing, the IRS’s commissioner admitted that – a year later – his agency was STILL withholding approval of 19 Tea Party groups’ nonprofit status.

You’ve GOT to be kidding… someone from the IRS didn’t take the 5th?

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Opportunity Knocking

Sunday, April 13, 2014 12:00 pm

Cuba is considering passing a new law that would give huge tax breaks to foreign investors.

Somewhere in the world, there’s a small watercraft company that’s about to make a killing.

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Preventive Medicine

Saturday, April 12, 2014 8:00 pm

Ocean City, Maryland, is putting signs up and down its boardwalk saying “no profanity, please”.

Well, that’s ONE way to keep Joe Biden from stopping by to talk about Obamacare.

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Tomorrow’s Technology Today

Saturday, April 12, 2014 12:00 pm

A professor of Computer Science predicts that by 2030, 90% of all news stories will be written not by human reporters but by computer algorithms.

I don’t get why they don’t do that now. How hard can it be to get a computer to reprint the White House talking points?

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“Precedent” Just Means You Already Made That Mistake Once

Friday, April 11, 2014 8:00 pm

During a press conference at The Hague, President Obama said there is “precedent” for not using military force against Russia.

Set, I believe, by Neville Chamberlain.

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I’m Not Technaddicted!

Friday, April 11, 2014 4:00 pm

Researchers say that the forward-leaning posture that many people adopt when using mobile devices increases the risk of an early death.

*sent from my iPhone*

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This Time, It’ll Be Different

Friday, April 11, 2014 8:00 am

Police say a man walked out of a New Jersey prison after serving 15 years for robbing a shoe store, headed straight back to the same shop, and robbed it again.

It strikes me that this guy learns his lessons about as well as an Obama voter.

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That Answers THAT Question

Thursday, April 10, 2014 8:00 pm

A new telephone poll finds that 78% believe everyone should be required to prove their citizenship before being allowed to vote.

The other 22% responded by pressing 2 for Spanish.

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MiniTrue Is Calling You

Thursday, April 10, 2014 4:00 pm

New York Times reporter James Risen called the Obama administration “the greatest enemy of press freedom that we have encountered in at least a generation”.

Not counting the Thought Police on the New York Times Editorial Board, I assume.

[title reference link]

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Surprisingly, I Agree With Nancy Pelosi

Thursday, April 10, 2014 8:00 am

At a press conference, Nancy Pelosi gushed over Obama, saying he was “as non-partisan a president as I’ve ever served with”.

True, since in Republican administrations, she served against.

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To Serve and Detect

Wednesday, April 9, 2014 8:00 pm

The TSA says it wants armed law enforcement at airport checkpoints.

Good idea. Never know when some maniac might try to sneak through a 4-ounce bottle of shampoo.

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Cheers!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014 4:00 pm

Federal spending records show that in fiscal 2013, the government spent $1.3 million on alcohol – 4 times what it spent in 2005.

Ya know, I remember back when “government is spending like a drunken sailor” used to be just a cliche.

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