Han comes off worse in the special edition because Greedo seems so hapless when he misses by a mile at close range.

If you aren’t sure whether Kim Jong Un is dead, just shoot him again.

First draft of my new political humor book is done! Probably funniest book ever.

My big goal is still to get a novel published. I have a finished one SarahK is helping get ready for submitting. I’m also working on a new one. Despite full time job, blogging, columns, and political humor book writing, I write on it each day. Always keep moving forward.

I don’t know how medieval peasants survived without being able to deposit checks through their smartphones.

Democrats are banking on that people prefer free stuff to freedom.

I hate how physical books curve the page towards the inside seam making the edges hard to read. How did I ever deal with these things?

We need a national point of order on exactly what a “right” is. We have a lot of “slavery is freedom” going on.

If you think you have a right to a job, food, and a place to live, slavery does provide all of that.

Rights do not evolve. Making rights ephemeral like that is a great way to lose them.

If it’s a right today, it would be a right a thousand years ago and a right you’d have alone on a deserted island.

I’m at CPAC, but I’m in disguise with a giant mustache and cowboy hat.

If we get a brokered convention, what the chance we’ll get an awesome ticket versus getting the RINOiest ticket ever?

“So, do you think Chuck Hagel would still want to run as a Republican?” #BrokeredConvention

“Great news! We’ve gotten Arlen Specter to rejoin the GOP. We’ve also picked a nominee. These two items are related.” #BrokeredConvention

“We’ve dubbed our current choices ‘The Three Musketeers.’ There’s a moderate, a different kind of moderate, and a westcoast liberal.” #BrokeredConvention

Today at CPAC, I’m wearing a disguise so I look exactly like Jonah Goldberg. If you see him, it’s probably me. I won’t drop character.

Santorum, eh? Any analysis on how his jib is cut?

I wait at the end of the level to fight you in a protracted battle… LIKE A BOSS!

Fun Fact: I watched the 2000 election returns come in at a Santorum reelection party. That was a long night.

The problem for Romney is that it’s hard to get excited about him in the primary unless the alternative is McCain.

Was it just a dream, or did America’s deadliest sniper claim to have punched out the E*Trade baby?

Buttercup yells “Go! Go! Go!” and starts running. I don’t think it’s possible for something to be cuter.

Liberals would benefit having someone go through their beliefs they think are mainstream and mark which ones are actually weird liberal bubble things.

I asked CPAC if I was allowed to attend, but they told me no. That’s because it’s RINO dominated this year. All martini sipping elites. I brought my own martini shakers, but they were still like, “You’re too conservative. You’ll cause trouble.”

Elites don’t want to hang with an Idaho conservative. They’re all like, “Why don’t you run off and protest taxes on potatoes.”

I’m going to throw my own conservative conference in Idaho. It will be at a compound. Admission will be $5 less if you bring a gun, because no one will argue over five bucks with someone holding a gun.

Heh. The new Spider-man film is directed by a guy named “Webb.”

Better off having the government get out of the marriage business than have it redefine religious custom. Legal contracts between consenting adults for all!

I like to imagine there is this spookily-voiced voice actor whose only job is to say the title of Resident Evil games.

I have the new Resident Evil game for the 3DS. I also have a deadline for my next book. Being an adult sucks.

Hmm. Maybe playing video games helps me write better. Does anyone buy that argument? Scientists, get on it!

Elder Scrolls, stop having towns load separately from the rest of the world so we can fly again.

I miss the flying from Morrowind. I don’t miss the cliff racers.

If OWS crashes CPAC and is violent, next year consider holding CPAC in a city that recognizes conceal carry rights.

You know how in horror movies you think the bad guy is dead, but he keeps popping back up? Romney is like the opposite.

Maybe Obama should use the Beatle’s “Getting Better” as his campaign theme song.

It’s not an easy task to channel my awesomeness into the written word, but I do what I can.

For the Red Dawn remake, will the underground resistance run around shouting, “Honey Badgers!”?

Liberals live in Bizarro world.

So Komen is literally trying to split the baby.

It is pretty Orwellian to claim not donating to Planned Parenthood is “being political.”

Why do abortion groups need donations? Isn’t abortion very profitable? That’s like donating to Philip Morris.

The Left: “We still won’t trust Komen enough to donate money to them until we see them publicly strangle a baby.”

Things may seem bad, but just remember that I’ll be old enough to run for president in 2016 so we only have to hold out until then.

Here’s video of little Buttercup singing.

So are the left admitting abortion is awful? Like if abortions were more than 3% of Planned Parenthood, then it would be a bad organization?

For some reason, when Planned Parenthood is mentioned I keep thinking of the underwear gnomes saying, “Abortions is big business!”

If you were making a new candy company, a good name would be Strangers. “You can trust candy from Strangers.”

Madonna is the halftime show? That’ll be huge for anyone who’s been in a coma since the 80s.

Is Madonna Lady Gaga’s grandmother?

Do you know that spousal abuse goes up i% during the Super Bowl?

I hear whichever team wins the Super Bowl gets ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

“He drove a Chevy Volt; he died in a fire long before the apocalypse.”

I give up. You can’t make fun of a movie based on the game Battleship. It is a punch line.

And why is Liam Neeson starring in it? Does he have tax problems?

Was a tattooed soccer player trying to sell me underwear during a football game?

Does the “bend it like Beckham” thing refer to his sexuality?

Why would I pay money for flowers when the phrase “Gimme some sugar, baby” achieves the same end?

The only thing funny about the Budweiser ads so far is that they think I want to drink something called Bud Light Platinum.

The Madonna halftime hasn’t been a complete disaster. I did get cute video of my 16 mo old daughter dancing.

Felt like that halftime show should have been accompanied by Harrison Ford warning us not to look at it.

Don’t tell Americans you want world peace. Tell the dumb, violent foreigners.

A show shouldn’t be called “Smash” unless it’s about the Incredible Hulk.

Hollywood, stop basing movies on board games and old toys and get us that Aquaman feature film.

It’s not Hollywood’s liberal bias so much these days as it is its crap bias.

The Super Bowl has been as good as it could be considering that Obama is still president.

I hope we get to see the new OT rules where the two quarterbacks play dodge ball.

HER: “You have something like photographic memory, right?”
ME: “Yeah, I forget what they called it.”

It’s always great to see really rich people succeed against marginal odds.

People were very excited about Obama when he first emerged on the scene in 2008, but as his campaign went on — and as he’s actually served as president — it’s become apparent to the general public that he’s simply not a serious candidate for the job.

* Can you believe all this Komen stuff? Komen wants to stick to just fighting breast cancer and thus doesn’t want to be involved in anything controversial like the abortion debate — which you think both sides would be okay with but the left are freaking out that Komen won’t give money to Planned Parenthood anymore. You have to look at this from the left’s side, though. They been supporting something horrific for so long, and they never want to confront that. Part of what helps them sleep at night is telling themselves that Planned Parenthood is an important women’s health organization and not instead some pro-abortion political organization that makes a lot of money tearing up the unborn. This whole Komen thing is making them confront that fiction, and thus you can understand their reaction. It’s freak out about this or contemplate the horror they’ve been supporting.

* Speaking of horrors, Donald Trump has come out in support of Mitt Romney. I think it was Romney’s line about not being concerned about the very poor that put him over the top. Other things Trump is not concerned with is realistic looking hair.

* Obama has started to use Jesus to try and justify his horrible policies, which seems pretty blasphemous. You know how the media freaks out about a coming theocracy if a Republican even mentions God, but Obama can claim that he did all his policies for religious reasons and the media won’t care? I think a big part of that is that when a liberal invokes God, no one really takes them seriously. Actually, I think half the time in Obama’s speech, he pronounced the Son of God’s name as “Jebus”.

* Wisdom of the Day from David Burge:

I support Susan G. Komen’s right to choose who to fund. #OurCheckbooksOurSelves

* In the interest of supporting the arts and interesting forms of capitalism, I should mention that you can now pay to appear in the Bearmageddon comic getting killed by a bear. So if you’ve always wanted to see what it would be like if you were killed by a bear plus be immortalized in the web comic and the eventually print version, here’s your chance. I have to say, it’s tempting.

* Still hard at work on my next book. It’s so awesome and I want to share it with all of you, but it will have to wait.

If you ever need a power rush, find the biggest celebrities and most powerful people on Twitter and block them from following you.

“Fighting cancer is important, so it’s best not to try and tie it to anything politically controversial.” -non-existent reasonable liberal

Abortion is one of those things so horrifying you have keep doubling down on it or risk looking back.

I always imagined that Planned Parenthood has a logo like the Ghostbusters, but with a baby in place of the ghost.

Who cares about Komen? Aren’t my tax dollars still going to Planned Parenthood?

Liberals give you no choice but to pay for Planned Parenthood and NPR, but they’re worried about Christians imposing their views on others?

Is there anything liberals scream about that isn’t pure projection?

“We want abortion to be safe, legal, and paid for by people who find it abhorrent.”

Obama: “Jesus told me to pursue these policies. Jesus is the one with the pitchfork, right?”

My 16 month old daughter is the greatest dancer I’ve ever seen.

Romney: “Shut up, you stupid poor people! No one wants to hear what comes out of your money-less mouths!”

Then again, poor people in this country are a bit whiny when you compare what they have to what historically is considered poverty. I guess we’re all kind of whiny that way, though. #FirstWorldProblems

Romney 2012: “Shut up, poverty.”

I could be an enthusiastic Romney supporter. The Romney campaign just needs to tell me where to send the invoice for that.

They should do a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots movie starring Mitt Romney and Al Gore.

Romney: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. I have a shotgun.”

Romney: “Zombies are the undead? I thought they were poor people. Now those movies are sad instead of funny.”

I’m not concerned about very poor people because malnutrition makes them easy to best in hand to hand combat.

Know who could have run as a stark contrast to Mitt Romney? Hobo with a Shotgun.

Romney: “I am in fact concerned about the very poor… especially them touching me and getting poor germs on me.”

Maybe we should just run Eric Cartman for president.

At shooting ranges, they have the paper targets out front, but they keep barrels of fish in a back room so you have to ask for it.

Is it possible for George Lucas to ruin the prequels with new special edition changes? Like Darth Maul now comes back as the lovable Halfy?

Spellcheck, I’m not going to capitalize “internet.” Give it up.

The Republican primary has crushed my soul. I don’t care if Ron Paul is the nominee; just end it.

Google News has given me an Ultimate badge in reading stories about politics, video games, and Nintendo BECAUSE I AM AN INFORMED READER!

I’m such a dedicated news reader that I have a gold badge in reading stories about the XBox and I don’t even own an XBox.

Fun Fact: People pay me for my opinions and no one even wants to hear yours.

Some readers have corrected me that the Arrested Development character Obama most resembles isn’t Gob Bluth but instead Tobias Funke.

As for the Arrested Development character I’m most like, I’d say Michael… but it’s probably George Michael. As for SarahK, she’s most like Rita because she’s very pretty.

I wonder if the Death Wish remake will be as right wing as the original.

Though I do like to annoy cats, gluten free bread is too expensive to waste on the breading meme.

I don’t know why I’m supposed to be so concerned by all this presidential election stuff; I don’t even work in government.

America is dying a slow death, and the best we can get is promises to make it an even slower death.

I don’t care about electability. I don’t care about nominating a true conservative. I just don’t like Obama. Also, I’m hugely tired of this primary.

We need something like the moon mission to get us out of our rut. My suggestion: national effort to build working lightsaber.

They need to come up with a summer version of curling for the Summer Olympics.

There really was a country named “Prussia”? Why would you name yourself like you’re a cheap Russia knockoff? That’s like having a country today named “Sturkey”.

We’ll stop pointing out liberal hypocrisy if they admit that at least 95% of everything they say is partisan BS.

They’re doing new Watchmen comics without Alan Moore? Expect to hear fandom scream like an abattoir full of retarded children.

George Strait’s name makes it seem like he’s really over compensating for something.

Are we absolutely certain a rhinoceros is not some sort of mammal/dinosaur hybrid?

Mitt Romney is like a human-colored Charlie Crist.

“Grapes are great, but can we make them weird and shriveled and ruin cookies with them, because I hate kids.” -guy who invented raisins

I just realized what they called Snow White in Snow White. Did they just call her Snow White the whole time or did she have a shorter name? Is her first name “Snow” and her last name “White”?

I’m reading Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People
.” To persuade others, you have to be respectful to everyone. Bleh. I mean, you have genuinely respect the other person’s viewpoint. Of course, this was written long before the internet existed.

Also, Dale Carnegie probably didn’t deal with my situation where I’m so smart and everyone else is so dumb.

And, frankly, I don’t think influencing others is worth the cost of being nice to idiots.

I know I should be offended when I request a hug and Buttercup shouts, “No!” and runs away, but it’s so cute.

How can you be against the government wasting money when you personally waste money by donating to the Ron Paul campaign?

If we ever end up at war with China, how will that affect the release of the next gen iPad?

Love the PCMatic ad with the woman in her “State” sweatshirt. Only way it would be better is if it said “College”.

Jimmy cracked corn and I cannot overstate my concern.

When using an oven, I’m always briefly confused that the timer is hours:minutes and not minutes:seconds.

I’m excited for the new Incredible Hulk tv series, “Smash”.

If Batman didn’t exist we’d have to invent him.

Weirdos would be a lot harder to identify if there was no such thing as pet ferrets.

Just watched the Chuck finale. Awesome end to a great series.

Could the star of Sherlock have anymore of a British name? “Benedict Cumberbatch”.

It should be illegal to use the term “fair share” without some concrete definition of it. Sentence for this crime: punch to face.

“Fair share” will never be defined as far as taxation. It’s not a policy. It’s just a whine.

So are we serious on this debt thing, or is that just a partisan attack we’ll forget when we have a Republican president?

It would seem like extreme hypocrisy when someone like Biden who gives $369 a year to charity complains about greed in others.

Maybe the press doesn’t find hypocrisy very interesting.

I guess the left are for more taxation because, knowing themselves, they can’t imagine voluntarily giving up money to help others.

Is there anything more miserable than really wanting grated cheese on your meal but then being unable to find a clean cheese grater?

We’re used to Ann Coulter being outrageous, but mindless shill for a moderate is at least a new kind of outrageous.

So the left are really going to argue that Romney sending $6.2 million of his money to Washington to die was too little?

Is Obama’s big plan to get the economy moving that the rich should pay more taxes? Can someone explain how that helps things?

The incumbent is the least serious of the candidates.

I’ve seen none of the movies that were nominated for best picture or had a best actor nomination.

So will the Rand Paul incident and the White House defense of the TSA allow us to portray Obama as the president of junk touching?

Hate how women lie. I once dated one claiming to be a supermodel, but she was just a regular model. Being in Victoria Secret’s catalog doesn’t by itself make you super!

Money that goes to the morons in DC is dead money; it will no longer help anyone. We want a better economy, then we need less money stuck in DC.

Someone talking higher taxes right now it not a serious person.

“They held a SOTU watch party. It was a murder suicide.”

So what does Intrade say are the odds Obama will break down crying halfway through the SOTU and admit he has no idea what he’s doing?

Wow. A rich Democrat is going to go on TV and whine about “fairness.” How innovative.

“We’ve tried some of the same and it didn’t work. That means we need even more of the same!”

Obama is quite rich. Can you name one thing of any use to anybody he ever did to earn that money?

If Obama wants to point out the flaws in our economic system, he should point out the fact that someone like him is wealthy as an example.

Obama should hold himself up as the ultimate example of unfairness. “If some as useless as me is rich, obviously the system is rigged.”

Do you think there will be whining about fairness in the SOTU? I think the key to fixing the economy is more whining about fairness.

Why work hard to better your own finances when you can whine about how much someone else has?

I hope Newt flames out again because I have a great headline for when he does: “Moot Gingrich”

Buttercup’s response to “Can you give your daddy a big hug?”: “NO!” I’m not paying for her college.

Ends up “pot holder” is not a fancy name for a bong.

I hope all the moderators for the debates have practiced debating against a Newt stand in.

Gah! For some reason DVR did not record Friday’s Chuck and not available on Hulu or Amazon or iTunes and the series finale is this Friday! Guess I may have to venture into the world of illegal downloads. Luckily SOPA wasn’t passed or I could be killed with a hellfire missile.

Newt: “I trained them all on lobbying so they’d know exactly what lobbying was so they could identify what they shouldn’t be doing.”

Romney does not seem comfortable on the attack. Now imagining Romney trying to attack Obama… I’m souring more on him.

Just checked Intrade. After the Fred Thompson endorsement, Gingrich’s chances have jumped to 105%.

We need to send in Sam Fisher to Cuba and he’ll fix things up.

Ron Paul would not be able to respond to crises because he’d be too busy yelling at White House tourists to get off his lawn.

Oil spills should only happen far away in third world countries so stupid poor people have to deal with them.

We should give guns to murderers to encourage self-execution. No wait. That’s a bad idea. That could backfire. Maybe that’s what Fast & Furious was all about.

Self deportation is the only option if deporting people is yet another one of those jobs Americans won’t do.

How much do you think they’d charge per hour to deport themselves?

I guess I’m honored that Newsweek picked what I said as one of the top tweets making fun of them.

Drinking coffee from a glass mug just seems wrong. Coffee should only be seen from the top.

“Are you a TRY-angle or a GIVE UP-angle?” -part of my motivational speech to geometric shapes

Just realized I have no idea what state Newt was a representative of. Did he represent it well?

Like would you say, “If I were to come up with a human personification of that state, Newt would be it.” Hard to imagine a state like that.

Gingrich up to 28% of winning the nomination on Intrade. Did we forget why we soured on him the first two times?

Why did we sour on him the first two times?

Newt thinks he can win the presidency, and he seems pretty smart. Sometimes.

If there’s one lesson we can learn from the presidential campaign is that it’s much healthier to not to take this all so seriously.

Newt vs. Obama does like a strategic blunder, but it could also be the most awesome campaign battle of my lifetime.

It’s not enough to beat Obama. We need to beat him with someone the left really hates.

For Newt’s big speeches, he should have a moderator asking him questions so he can yell at him.

So how long does Newt have to implode and regain momentum before the Florida primary?

So basically the GOP is taking their 2012 strategy from Thelma and Louise.

When you imagine how apoplectic the left will be if Newt actually beats Obama, it’s almost worth the risk.

Romney is electable. Problem is that’s all he is. An election is a means, not an end.

Love how because of the polar bears, Buttercup loudly shouts, “Rarr!” whenever she sees a Coke can.

Morgan Freeman saying “epic” just seems wrong.

“I have invented colorful dough that kids can mold into shapes. I shall name it after myself.” -Plato

Nominating Newt is one of those plans you’d suffix with “It’s so crazy, it just might work!”

2nd look at Newt! (or are we up to 3rd now?)

I have no idea whether Newt would be a good or bad president, but I’m absolutely certain he’d be a hilarious one.

If you don’t care so much about winning as you do making sure the election season is crazy awesome, Newt is the way to go.

Mitt or Newt? Do we choose to die of boredom or in a massive explosion?

Newt 2012: “Hug the grizzly bear and hope for the best.”

“Newtonium is a powerful, unstable element that could easily kill us all when handled.”
“I only heard ‘powerful’.”

We Republicans set our expectations way too high by having any.

I know this slate of candidates looks bad, but I’m political satirist, so all I see is a secure financial future. If we can somehow get Newt to be president, that alone should propel me into the 1%.

Today is the day I finally teach Buttercup to say, “Arrr!” like a pirate.

The Republican primary reminds of that year with American Idol where Sanjaya kept sticking around while actual good singers were voted off.

I WATCH AMERICAN IDOL WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE I’M A GOOD HUSBAND!!!

If you’ve designed a government that relies on good competent people to run it, you’ve designed a government to fail.

Romney: “Let me just talk a lot until you tune out and assume I answered the charge.”

Why is Ron Paul still in debates? I know they usually go by polling on who should attend, but shouldn’t there be a nuttiness standard?

There’s nothing easier than coasting as a legislator. It’s not much by itself to run on.

The best way for someone as rich as Romney to get more sympathy is to bring into his home an adorable orphan.

Why do I care about Mitt Romney’s tax returns? Does he owe me something?

Ron Paul doesn’t take lobbyist money. He sticks to honest racist newsletter money.

In a better world, our income wouldn’t even be the government’s business.

Government works for us. We need to see its budget, not the other way around.

They’d hire 500,000 Americans if enough of them would work for $0.10 an hour.

We like outsourcing poverty.

I don’t like borders. I don’t like foreign countries touching us.

A Lincoln-Douglas debate is just like a regular debate but with stovepipe hats. In other words, a Lincoln-Douglas debate IS AWESOME!

What Mark Wahlberg said wan’t that ridiculous. He usually beats someone up every flight he’s on.

I don’t get the left freaking out over SOPA but not over other regulation. It’s like they only want to pretend to be free online.

Let’s just send Mark Wahlberg to Congress, shut the doors for a few hours, and then everything should be solved.

I’d much rather have annoying gun regulation to follow in Call of Duty than in real life.

“Sorry, you’re going to have to leave your gun. Your concealed carry permit isn’t valid for level 3.”

Romney: “I tried to release my tax returns, but Turbo Tax is too confusing. Timothy Geithner can back me up on this.”

Young Gingrich picture on Drudge looks like Dwight Schrute.

If I were Romney, I don’t know how I’d be able to stop myself from eventually yelling, “SHUT UP, YOU STUPID POOR PEOPLE!!!”

I only once accidentally tried to look something up on Wikipedia yesterday. It was a videogame.

Weird. On Chuck, Col. Casey (Adam Baldwin) said, “I have one mag left.” But close caption was, “I have one clip left.” Made us laugh. Maybe the actor had it right but the script had it wrong.

We watch all shows with close caption because we have a Buttercup. Wish Netflix had more shows with subtitle options.

Buttercup can count to two as long as you supply her the “one”.
“One.”
“TWO!!!”

Knowing stuff about guns can ruin movies. Sure, it looks cool to cock a 1911, but that should never happen in normal usage.

Ever try gently lowering the hammer on a 1911? Takes two hands because of the grip safety. Would never do it with a round in the chamber. But that’s what you would have to have done previously if you’re now cocking a 1911 to threaten someone.

Also remember a book where someone disengaged the safety on a 1911 and then chambered a round. A ridiculous sequence of events. I hope someone was fired for that one.

If Iowa can’t run a simple primary, maybe we should revoke their statehood.

“We don’t know who won ’cause pigs done ate the votes.”

Perry looked so good on paper but looked like such a bad idea in the debates.

No Wikipedia today? I better look up those Firefly episode synopses now.

Turkey says if Perry doesn’t apologize for calling them Islamic terrorists they’ll suicide bomb him.

Hippies are protesting SOAP today.

So why are sites going dark today? To raise awareness? I hate awareness.

I remember when I was a kid and wasn’t aware of anything. That was awesome. Also got to spend all day playing Atari.

I heard in a speech the other day, Obama announced he’s going to do something. That’s always been a bad idea. He’s just not good at that.

Obama should practice standing still, smiling, and waving at people. I think he could get really good at that.

I don’t like to criticize people in the military, but if you’re going to pee on dead Taliban, maybe you shouldn’t videotape it.

Of course, there are lots of thing I don’t understand why people would videotape. Like Meghan McCain talking politics.

To keep the left from complaining, the next time we occupy a country the military should just claim it’s to protest their banks.

Pretty much every modern crime procedural is just a ripoff of Scooby Doo.

Before using a urinal, I always check it for dead Taliban so I don’t get in trouble.

I’m not in the military, but it is in my company’s employee handbook not to pee on corpses.

Is it always wrong to pee on corpses? Like let’s say you just killed Hitler and you also had drank a whole pot of coffee. So, you really have to go, but you don’t see a bathroom around. But, right there in front of you, there’s dead Hitler.

Remember how the media kept explaining a shoe thrown at Bush’s head was a big insult in the Middle East. Wonder if the Middle East media is doing same thing about peeing on corpses. “In the West, peeing on a corpse is a huge insult, somewhat similar to our hitting people with a shoe.”

That’s right; our Marines should stick to the culturally sensitive hitting corpse in the face with shoes.

Have we nominated Romney yet?

Maybe we need one more debate where they can weigh in on peeing on Taliban. Also, I’d like here more about their views on contraception.

And the doctor said, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed! In fact, put them in cages; they’re monkeys.”

Panda bears don’t often mate successfully in captivity because the best pickup lines are learned in the wild.

Marsupials kind of seem like a hack fix to the whole live birth problem.

I remember reading Newsweek as a kid, but now I’m a responsible adult and they’re the ones trolling on the internet.

Of course, even as a teenager, I found their stories patronizing.

So is Newsweek sticking to left-wing trolling, or will they have a cover of “Why the Star Wars prequels are better than the original.”?

“So we’re just going to try trolling for attention now. So who do we want as a writer?”
“Andrew Sullivan.”
“Genius.”

Tried to show Buttercup how to jump. She just does squats while yelling “Jump! Jump!” over and over.

Don’t remember that from any child development list: When are they supposed to be able to jump?

I don’t get why we care about Golden Globes. What kind of cash prize do they come with?

If Martin Luther King were alive today, I’d hope he work somewhere that gave him MLK Day off.

Sure judging people by the color of their skin versus the content of their character is bad, but there is a huge time savings.

Man, tough pill to swallow to realize that Romney as our president is the best case scenario.

To be honest, what’s left with these debates except to find out how much buyer’s remorse we have about Romney?

Voter ID is a duh issue. You’re either for voter fraud or you aren’t. All the other stances are BS.

Here’s my grand vision for the future: giant robots stomping on Taliban. They’ll hate us for our giant robots. And fear us.

The primary has given Republicans a lot of choices on how long they want to pretend they’re not going to nominate Romney.

When I was a kid, they spent a lot of time teaching us what racism is. With next gen, spend some time teaching them what racism isn’t.

Fixing my car makes me realize how archaically mechanical a car is. When will they be solid state?

So are we gearing up for Romney vs. Obama or are we pretending a bit longer?

Buttercup has croup. You’ve never seen a more pathetic 15 month year old.

I wasn’t sold on Romney, but with the other Republicans complaining he’s a capitalist, I’m getting closer.

Mitt Romney’s “I like to run over poor people in my limousine” statement is actually rather innocuous when heard in context.

“This independent film is really boring.”
“No, it’s a defensive struggle.”