Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: iOS 8, Shakespeare, and GamerGate

Thursday, September 18, 2014 9:13 am

Tip for the Left: Spend time attacking Biden, Reid for racism. Then when you attack right, we might actually believe it’s not just partisan.

The reason the iOS 8 download is so big is that it includes all of U2’s albums.

I had never heard of Shakespeare before I read about this Biden quote controversy.

Actually, I think I was forced to read some Shakespeare in high school. All I remember from it was this constant whining about “phonies.”

Is there anyway to hand out the MacArthur Genius Grant without it sounding sarcastic? “Here you go, genius.”

I want to see that new FOX cooking show “Got Ham.” It’s supposed to have Batman in it for some reason.

My favorite scene in Shakespeare is that speech directed at Lady Macbeth about “I am the one who knocks!”

This has to be the most anyone has talked about Scotland since England executed Mel Gibson.

I don’t think this #GamerGate thing is going to go away unless there is some bombshell like a release date on Half Life 3.

Have to feel bad for gaming journalist who just want to write whiny social commentary but are stuck doing 50 posts a day about Destiny.

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Random Thoughts: Equal Pay, Hillary, and Neil deGrasse Tyson

Wednesday, September 17, 2014 9:05 am

A gullible woman earns 77 cents on the dollar compared to a man who is more skeptical of statistics he read.

Maybe now that Microsoft has bought Minecraft, they can improve its graphics. The game looks like it’s from the late 90s.

If I were president, I wouldn’t let the U.S. be the world’s policeman anymore. Instead, we’d be the world’s Batman.

Maybe the world’s Punisher.

I keep seeing everyone talk about updog. What is it?

To get with the times, the next Duke Nukem game will have the title character go to sensitivity training. It should come out 20 yrs from now.

Hillary has to be careful to not let the fact that she’s not particularly good at anything distract from how she’s a woman.

Can I use a 3D printer to print pieces of paper which I then use in my regular printer?

Who cares about a few quotes Neil deGrasse Tyson made up? It’s not like accuracy is important in science.

Neil deGrasse Tyson is a big hypocrite. He talks about science and rationality, but he spends his evenings setting up leprechaun traps.

“Once this guy said to me, ‘Duh. I don’t know science.’ That guy sure didn’t know science. True story.” -Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Random Thoughts: Scotland, Minecraft, and Hillary

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 9:17 am

On Scottish independence, I’m on the side of having less countries. There’s like 200 of them most of them are pointless.

How many European countries do we actually need? I think 5 different countries at most would cover whole spectrum of Europeans.

Like do we need both a Belgium and a France? No. We need to be consolidating similar countries instead of making new ones.

Wow. Stupid Microsoft. I paid only $13 for Minecraft because I bought it back when it was in alpha.

“It looks like you’re trying to mine obsidian. Would you like some help?” #MicroCraft

So exactly how rich is Notch now? Does he basically own Sweden?

At this point, isn’t Hillary Clinton basically the Yankees of politicians?

If ever read President Obama’s al Qaeda fan fiction, it’s actually very good with lots of well developed characters.

“Thank you, Mario! But our princess is in another castle! Maybe you can use this time to reflect on this misogynistic quest structure.”

Guide to Understanding the West: If we make obvious effort to not be racist against your culture, that means we think it’s pretty pathetic.

Science will never return your love.

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Random Thoughts: Obama’s Plans, Peace, and Drunken Brawls

Monday, September 15, 2014 9:08 am

Main things ruining all of President Obama’s plans:
1. Individual liberty
2. The Constitution
3. Biden getting chocolate on everything

It was nice how Peter raised Tabitha from the dead, but couldn’t he have also gotten people to stop calling her “Dorcas.”

When the U.S. tries giving peace a chance, we get really restless within a couple weeks.

It’s cute when little kids say they want to be president one day and then draw out Iraq invasion plans in crayon.

I once was in a drunken brawl with Sarah Palin, but I didn’t mention it because she beat me up pretty bad.

Called me a “moose sympathizer” and suddenly she was this hurricane of fists and elbows.

I didn’t mention it because I was kinda embarrassed and I just thought it was a common occurrence when visiting Alaska.

Playing “Mark of the Ninja.” I was hoping the protagonist in it would be named Mark so the title would have a double meaning.

If you’re acting like it’s weird Sarah Palin suplexed a guy into a table, then you obviously haven’t been in very many drunken brawls.

“I should have said, ‘The jerk store called; they’re running out of you!'” I uttered hours later when I awoke in the burn ward.

Actually, I think if you made a gun’s trigger out of a strand of hair, it would be pretty much impossible to fire.

This gas pump needs to update its drawing of a cellphone. Whoops; took the picture with my cellphone.

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Random Thoughts: ISIS, War, and RE4

Friday, September 12, 2014 9:21 am

“I want to assure you that the organization called ‘Islamic State Made By Islamic People Who Are Really Islamic’ is not Islamic.”

Here’s an idea: We donate to ISIS a bunch of planes to make it easier to kill them from the air.

Does every time our country shoot and bomb people, we have to put a label on it? #NotAWar

A newspaper needs to put out an all caps headline: “WARISHNESS!”

Now every time I have to pull my iPhone out of my pocket, I think of how much simpler life would be with an Apple Watch.

Hmm. Resident Evil 4 is on sale on Steam. Should I buy it for a 3rd time?

I am so itching to play it again. It’s definitely one of my top 5 games of all time.

That’s what makes the sequels so frustrating. It’s like RE4 was a weird accident and Capcom has no idea how to reproduce it.

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Random Thoughts: Class War, Iraq, and What’s Islamic

Thursday, September 11, 2014 9:16 am

The Apple Watch doesn’t have a camera so it can’t watch anything and thus the name makes no sense.

Some of the new iPhone 6 features seem neat, but I like the size of my 5S.

If we had a class war, I think the rich would win because they could afford lasers cannons against which the poor have no defense.

Hopefully President Obama can use our military might to intimidate our enemies, as a tank is still scary even if a puppy is driving it.

One the single hardest things to do as president is to not have a war in Iraq.

Who’s the central authority on what is and isn’t Islamic?

Really, I think arguing what is and isn’t Islamic is kinda pointless from a non-Muslim.

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Random Thoughts: Apple Watch

Wednesday, September 10, 2014 9:12 am

Maybe the iPhone 6 will be rotary. I miss rotary phones.

Now they just introduced the iDuct Tape which makes the iPhone wearable.

Apple could probably get away with just slapping an Apple logo on what Samsung came out with last year and no one paid attention to.

Tim Cook just announced that they’ve teamed up with the Obama administration to make the new Apple Watch mandatory.

When will they answer the main question on everyone’s mind: Will it have a Dick Tracy app?

I have to wait until next year? I guess I’ll set an alert on my Apple Watch to tell me when… oh.

Tim Cook: “Apple products preform 27% better than a dog in continuing to love you when no one else will.”

Eh. I think I’ll let you guys beta test these things and get gen 2.

Is it worth $350 to not have to pull my phone out of my pocket to see who just texted me?

So no mention of battery life?
“What time is it, Apple Watch?”
“Time to charge me!”

For the socially conscious, your fancy new Apple Watch will occasionally give you a text alert to care about poor people.

Oh, the Apple Watch doesn’t have a battery. You have to keep it plugged in all the time.

If you can handle me at my peak, you don’t deserve me at my normal traffic levels.

I like playing indie video games. It makes me feel cultured.

There’s a strong correlation between the decline in popularity of Mr. T and the rise in jibber jabber.

Was thinking I’d pass on Apple Watch, but checking out on , it’s actually pretty nifty looking.

I think it looks stupid with the sports bands, but the other options are pretty. Wondering about cost, though.

And I like that they actually focused on it keeping good, accurate time. Not like the iPhone not being a good phone.

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Random Thoughts: Bigots, Apple, and the NFL

Tuesday, September 9, 2014 9:13 am

Most of the justification for bigotry these days is claiming the group you’re bigoted against is bigoted.

It’s exciting when an Apple event isn’t just an upgrade for a current device but a new device we’ll eventually have to upgrade.

Is it sexist to be extra outraged by a man punching a woman? Whatever; I’m probably sexist.

I’ve never really been into “music.” Can someone please explain the appeal?

I’m a caring individual. I’ve always been caring. Some say I care too much. And that’s why I’m not waving my hands in the air.

So I have a few more hours to enjoy my iPhone 5S before I hate it for being a stupid, outdated piece of garbage.

Before video came out of Ray Rice punching his fiancé, did the NFL think it was some wacky, sitcom-type mishap that rendered her unconscious?

Sports are good and all, but every kid in this country should have much higher ambitions than handling a ball really well.

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Random Thoughts: iWatch, the Military, and Film Plots

Monday, September 8, 2014 9:12 am

I’d like it if video game developers treated women as human being instead of objects in their games, but I’d settle for pause-able cutscenes.

Will the iWatch go with my Google Glasses, or will it make me look like a dork?

Is sexual assault really more frequent than it used to be? I thought men were supposed to be more violent and misogynistic in ye olden days.

The problem for a modern day military is figuring out how to destroy an evil enemy without hurting their feelings.

My least favorite Doctor Who moment was in the season 7 finale when it was revealed Jenny Flint wasn’t actually killed off.

Hopefully this iWatch will end the nightmare of having to fish my phone out of my pocket to see who texted me.

“What’s this henge made from?”
“Hmm. Interesting.”

I haven’t really been following sports. Is there a sports team I should be rooting for?

Tornado? What’s a tor? Is it worse than a shark?

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly Sled aficionado dies and all the non-sled-related events of his life are recalled.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly Billionaire dresses in animal costume and punches poor people.

Ginger ale has no soul.

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Random Thoughts: Minimum Wage, Fungus, and Clearing Out Old Stuff

Friday, September 5, 2014 9:08 am

The statute of limitations for having done 9/11 runs out next year and Bush is expected to release a tell-all.

My experience from earning minimum wage as a teenager is that people will pay more than that to keep you if you display basic competency.

Am I the only one not getting the hype on the Dreadnoughtus? I thought we’d found theoretically bigger, brontosaurus-type dinosaurs before?

Can mushrooms go bad? I mean, they’re already fungus. Instead of going bad, they should just get bigger.

Finally gotten wife to start watching Breaking Bad. Have to trudge through short first season which is merely great instead of excellent.

Has any feminist done as much for equality as John Browning?

Found my old Legos. It’s 80’s something spaceman from my space set I got in 80 something.

No licensed Legos back then. Had to make lightsaber from red bar in space set plus chalice in medieval set.

Mom was clearing out storage so going through old stuff. Here’s the receipt for my N64 in case I need to return it.

An early version of the iWatch I owned in grade school.

Bill Clinton certified that I was physically fit.

For some reason I did a wire portrait of Rush Limbaugh in 8th grade.

Boo-yeah. Think all my G.I. Joes are lost, though.

Looking at how many old sketch books I have, I drew a lot as a kid. I was never very good at it, though.

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Random Thoughts: Book Reports, Selfies, and Video Games

Wednesday, September 3, 2014 9:03 am

I remember doing a lot of book reports as a kid but I’ve never done a single one as an adult. What was that all about?

Were book reports to scare kids away from books? “Remember: If you read a book, you have to do some painful, boring writing afterward.”

Anger makes you dumber, and, God bless us, none of us were that bright to begin with.

Secure nude selfie distribution is actually an interesting engineering problem.

Ideally, you’d want a nude selfie camera setting that would encrypt the image upon taking it. Password needed for any further viewing.

Being able to send the photo to a person with that person not being able to distribute would be biggest challenge. Nearly impossible, really.

So only send nude selfies to extremely trusted third parties. A nude selfie can’t be canceled like a credit card.

Apparently Apple’s cloud doesn’t count as an extremely trusted third party.

Does the presidential limo have an “I’d rather be golfing” bumper sticker? Because that would be funny.

So do gaming journalists basically have complete and utter contempt for gamers? #GamerGate

I enjoy video games and the patriarchy.

So Putin starts wearing a cape, he’s officially a supervillain, right?

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Random Thoughts: Feminism, Nude Photos, and Unions

Tuesday, September 2, 2014 9:20 am

FUN FACT: Feminism was invented by Virginia Slims cigarettes as a marketing ploy.

Are progressives theoretically willing to shoot people over plastic bags? If someone keeps using them, you’ll send people with guns to stop them?

It’s a good idea to take nude photos of yourself in case you forget what you look like nude and don’t have time to take your clothes off.

This is all good news for my new business, .

Jennifer Lawrence is just happy hackers didn’t get that video of her pretending to be Darth Maul.

They allow nude pictures on the internet?

Most women’s hard drives are filled up with nothing but recipes they saved from Pinterest and nude selfies.

There are still unions in the 21st century?

What happened to the dinosaurs was they unionized and were replaced by more efficient mammals.

Why do we need a day to celebrate laborers? It’s not a charitable service they’re providing; they get paid for it.

Please, leave gaming a refuge from stupid politics. I just want to blow up and kill things in peace. #GamerGate

The tolerance police are basically the modern day puritans. We need less tolerance for the insufferably self-righteous.

Before taking nude photos, make sure to weigh the best possible outcome of that versus the risks.

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Accomplishments, Strategies, and Bacon Forgetting

Friday, August 29, 2014 9:12 am

So who exactly is the red dye numbering authority?

“They’re grrrrrreat! By the way, I’m not a tiger.”

1st book in the Game of Thrones series turned old enough to vote this month. It’ll be collecting social security before series is finished.

I’m just kidding; there won’t be any social security left for anyone by then.

Way things are going with all of Obama’s touted accomplishments, Osama bin Laden soon going to come out of the sea even aliver than before.

But who explains to the explainers?

So how scared should we be of problems with Russia? We took away their nukes when we won the Cold War, right?

Hillary: “Having thought on Ferguson for three weeks, I would like to say that bad things are bad and good things are good.”

I’ve never been a president of the United States before, but aren’t strategies for dealing with America’s enemies like job number one?

The president’s press conference cut to black at the end and it’s up to the viewer to decide whether or not he had a strategy.

So was the idea behind Vox that Media Matters needed more graphs?

It’s Obama’s directionless leadership that makes America’s enemies feel free to say things like, “Hello Kitty isn’t a cat.”

Gah! 5 Guys forgot my bacon again! I swear they forget more than they remember.

“5 Guys Who Can Never Remember the Bacon” they should be called.

I did it. Reported that 5 Guys. You forget my bacon a half dozen times, that’s it. Would have reported sooner except everyone there so nice.

I am not cool. I have never been cool. And I have no desire to be cool. That’s what makes me cool.

Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs seemed more an interactive story than a game. Nothing in it amounted to a challenge.

A few things in it seemed meant to be puzzles, but the solutions were all straightforward and required no searching or thought.

I was quite interested in the story, though, so I wasn’t bored by it.

Dear Esther was also interesting, but even much less a game than Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs.

Which isn’t to say things have to be games – just I was expecting a game with the Amnesia sequel and that wasn’t what it was.

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Random Thoughts: Cloud, Vox, and Hello Kitty

Thursday, August 28, 2014 9:13 am

Dropbox is now giving me 5 times as much space for 40% less in price. Yay competition!

Until upload speeds are much higher, it’s pretty hard to switch cloud drives when you have a lot of files, though.

I notice Apple isn’t even trying to compete on cloud pricing. 55GB for $100 year – can’t see anyone but biggest Apple loyalists pay that.

Ah, the free market. We’re constantly getting better products for cheaper prices while everyone else is waiting in line for bread.

The rich keep getting richer, and all we get in exchange are these boundless luxuries at constantly lowering prices.

So what percentage of gun deaths are children firing fully automatic weapons?

You can’t assert the genders in marriage are arbitrary but the numbers involved is somehow sacrosanct.

I’m kinda digging Vox as performance art.

David Chase told me they had Tony get shot between the eyes, but camera went dead and they couldn’t reset it.

I actually only watched through season 3 of Sopranos. I guess by missing the finale I literally missed nothing.

I wish Lost had just cut to black for its entire final episode.

I have to hand it to Vox: I’ve never seen clownish nonsense presented in such an aesthetically pleasing manner.

A fun thing to do if I was a political candidate would be to never be seen without an owl on my shoulder and never answer questions about it.

The best way for the NYTimes editorial board to explain any of their political decisions would be with three words: “We’re soulless hacks.”

Hello Kitty. Goodbye Sanity.

“Hello Kitty is people! It’s made out of people! Tell the world!”

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Random Thoughts: Swing Copters, Canada, and Feminism

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 9:23 am

Got a galley copy of my new book. See? I didn’t make it up.

I thought the new game from the maker of Flappy Birds was too hard to be addictive, but I was wrong.

The recent change to it to give some clear skies before the first obstacle helps you get in the rhythm of things.

Stings are in the hands of the bee holder.

There’s little more American than doing all you can to avoid paying taxes.

Dollars in the free market can flourish and reproduce, while dollars in the hands of the government get butchered.

If were losing businesses to Canada over taxes, then the problem is with us and not the businesses.

The country that remained loyal to our British oppressors somehow has better taxes. That’s not right.

I won’t believe you’re a feminist if you can’t demonstrate proper firearm usage.

Will feminism ever advance to the point I can tell my wife to kill the spider herself, or is that just being unrealistic?

Wasn’t one of the temptations in the desert Satan trying to get Jesus to recline His airplane seat?

“You deserve it. You did pay for the seat.”
“Get behind me, Satan!”

I don’t care about corporate taxes. I feel I’m getting a big enough benefit from Apple if they weren’t paying a dime of taxes.

Your benefit should come companies making great products at affordable prices. The taxes they pay are inconsequential in comparison.

The military is the one part of the government that functions well because it’s the only part actually meant to destroy things.

It’s become confusing what is and isn’t feminism. Easy rule: If you can imagine yourself taking it seriously, it’s probably not feminism.

If women aren’t getting equal pay for equal work, have they tried nagging?

Do you want equality, or do you want to run to the government every time you think you have a problem?

Have they found one actual instance of a woman getting 30% less for the same work, or is there just the bogus stat to repeat endlessly?

Why are only men expected to competently negotiate a salary? We have no idea what we’re doing either.

If you could actually pay women 30% less for the same work, men would never be able to find employment.

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Random Thoughts: Misogyny, Simpsons, and Partying

Monday, August 25, 2014 9:17 am

Richard Dawkins doesn’t want children to grow up to lead sad, miserable lives, but how would you know if a child would grow up to be him?

There’s a lot of racism you can get away with if you make it clear you’re for higher taxes and more government.

To help end misogyny, have women tried being nicer?

See, the joke itself makes a misogynistic assumption. If I have to explain the joke, that means it’s very intellectual and thus good.

Can’t believe I had to mansplain my misogyny joke.

All of America’s enemies getting together for a golf tournament would be a great end to the President Obama movie.

The Obama presidency is stupid, but I like to think of it as a uniquely American kind of stupid I can still take pride in.

One of these days I need to sit you all down and have a long chat on how awesome I am because I still think you don’t quite understand.

We all hate millennials, but we still have to work on making them productive so they can eventually pay for our entitlements.

I should be subjecting my children to the Simpsons marathon, but I don’t have cable.

So it’s a 12-day Simpsons marathon — that’s how many good days?

Really, the first ten or so season of The Simpsons have to be the single biggest influence on my sense of humor.

I remember having long conversations with friends that was nothing but quoting lines from The Simpsons.

One of these days I should do my top 100 Simpsons lines/moments, though it would be hard to cut down to that few.

The Simpsons gave me ten good seasons, and I continued to watch them for about ten seasons more.

Last late episode I remember really liking was the book heist one that had Neil Gaiman as a guest voice. Great end joke.

I remember the last season I watched being pretty decent, but it was like “Classic Itchy & Scratchy! … What else is on?”

Understanding ISIS is best left to anthropologists who dig up their bones a thousand years from now.

I hope they finally have Mr. T do a cameo on Doctor Who. “I pity the Who!”

The new game from the Flappy Bird creator is about a hundred times harder.

Swing Copters would be insanely hard without the swinging hammers. With them, it’s just ridiculous.

You can basically name any episode from the first ten seasons of The Simpsons and I can come up with a few funny lines from it.

Did they change the actor for who plays the main character in Doctor Who? Do they think they can do that and we won’t notice?

I remember when we had presidents who respected us enough to pretend to care.

Okay, I’ll finally ask: How does one “party”? Do you dance to loud music? What are the mechanics of it?

I haven’t followed music in a while. Who is the popular new band now? Beck?

Autotune was made to help ease us into all music being computer generated.

If you actually remember when MTV mainly just played music videos, then you’re way too old to be watching MTV.

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Random Thoughts: Harry Potter and Bicyclists

Friday, August 22, 2014 9:12 am

Isn’t the whole country a free-speech zone?

Harry Potter stamps? What’s a British person doing on US stamps? OBAMA!!! *shakes fist*

So how many bicyclists are people who can’t afford cars and how many are just sociopaths?

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Random Thoughts: Isolationism, Unarmed People, and Dawkins

Thursday, August 21, 2014 9:02 am

American presidents are at their Americaniest when confronting evil.

The U.S. is really isolationist until we decide there are bastards in need of killin’, which is constantly.

If you want America to be less involved, the rest of the world needs to stop being a bunch of bastards we need to kill.

I still don’t understand the ice bucket thing.

People with guns, stop shooting unarmed people. Unarmed people, stop trying to beat up people with guns.

One day scientists need to determine how we can explain to a dog that a doorbell renders their barking completely unnecessary.

A completely logical universe would be absolute nothingness. Instead we got this weirdness.

Instead of shooting to kill, why don’t cops just roundhouse kick people like Walker Texas Ranger?

A good example of a purely logical being would be a computer not running any programs.

So the idea behind Richard Dawkins is that it’s very appealing to hear about how flawed religion is from a complete sociopath?

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Random Thoughts: Free Speech and Mugshots

Wednesday, August 20, 2014 9:15 am

We still have free speech in this country. You just might have to speak while a guy in body armor points a rifle at you. For your safety.

For all we white people knew, black people were perfectly happy. In their neighborhood over there. The one we avoid.

What is the practical need for the mugshot? Are they afraid they’ll grab the wrong guy, thinking he’s the governor?

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Random Thoughts: Marijuana, Stalin, and NYTimes

Tuesday, August 19, 2014 9:18 am

Apparently the galleys went out for my new book. Not sure to whom. If you have one, you are of the lucky few.

I’ve never smoked marijuana, but I once smelled some at a Dave Matthews concert and then immediately I wanted to punch a cop.

Is the pope using his infallibility when he says, “Kill the bastards!”?

Maybe we could solve things if we are all just angrier about how we’re sure we’re right.

As Josef Stalin said, “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a hashtag.”

Josef Stalin never actually said anything like that death of millions quote often attributed to him. STOP SLANDERING JOSEF STALIN!

Wow, you can almost feel how painful it is for them to overcome their partisanship to have a modicum of integrity.

I’m guessing first draft ended with “Even so, he’s an icky Republican and we don’t like him. Ew.”

I’m writing a column. I haven’t done one in a while, which isn’t fair to all of you.

You all deserve to have my opinions. And I deserve to be paid for them.

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