Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: Hobby Lobby Decision

Tuesday, July 1, 2014 9:00 am

Yay. A small majority of the Supreme Court still believes in the principle which was the entire point of founding this nation.

“If women have to pay for their own abortifacients, we might as well just give up being a nation.” -the left right now

“Hobby Lobby is against birth control.” -moron who doesn’t actually care enough about the issue to get the facts straight but likes yelling

OUT: “Government stay out of the bedroom.”
IN: “Hobby Lobby, get in this bedroom and bring me an abortifacient!”

If you want the government and corporations to stay our of your personal areas, PAY FOR THINGS YOURSELF!

Can’t we put all our disagreements aside and unite as a country to be bored by soccer?

“We’ll have no freedoms left if we can’t force people to do things!”

“WOMEN ARE BEING DENIED BIRTH CONTROL!!!”
“There’s a Walgreens right over there and it’s open.”

Are people who keep acting like Hobby Lobby is against birth control in general misinformed or dishonest? Facts get in way of LOUD YELLING!

Don’t you support a woman’s right to choose what someone else should provide for her?

Many seem confused on the difference between “freedom” and “free stuff” which are not at all related.

My take on how the Hobby Lobby decision affects you: Not at all. Unless you like being outraged on Twitter.

That there’s much disagreement over whether the Hobby Lobby decision is for or against freedom shows we have a big problem in this country.

What is or isn’t freedom shouldn’t be debatable. Just ask which side wanted government force to be used to make someone do something.

If you’re against the Hobby Lobby decision, you’re not for freedom. You’re saying easy access to abortifacients trumps freedom.

It seems like President Obama would save a lot of time if he stuck to just doing things the Constitution says he’s allowed to do.

The easiest way to tell if someone overreacting to the Hobby Lobby decision is if they’re acting like it has any actual effect on them.

Guy on Twitter telling me case was all scheme by Hobby Lobby to increase investments in birth control they do cover. Pay off to Alito?

Guy might be a nut, but I also might be a nut so really hard to tell.

Is Best of the Web now behind a paywall? Alert the Supreme Court my rights are being violated!

I didn’t know Yahoo had the authority to renew a show for another season, but they are now my hero.

You have a right to promiscuity, but I question the wisdom of making it a right to celebrate above all others.

I love 24. In most shows, you root against the guy who tortures and murders people.

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Random Thoughts: The ISA, Soccer, and Cronies

Monday, June 30, 2014 9:00 am

“Give me all your money!” -a mugger
“Give me all your money! And seven years of records and receipts!” -the IRS

Ever seen the romcom starring Marie and Pierre Curie? I heard the two leads in it had a lot of chemistry.

Oh, I thought “one percenters” referred to they type of milk they drank. Now the Occupy Wall Street thing makes slightly more sense.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!! I achieved a personal goal today. What are you guys up to?

These World Cups happen way too often. My limit on caring about soccer is once per decade.

So is losing to Germany good or bad? I don’t really follow soccer.

If another country judges us based on how we play soccer, then they’re not really our friend and we should bomb them.

Remember when we were like, “Germany, don’t be so evil” and they were like, “No! We’re going to be double evil!” and we had a 2nd world war?

I think you don’t advance in the World Cup if you win too much because socialism.

“Are peasants allowed to compare me to Mitt Romney?”

“And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling Constitution!”

So who was the awful person who came up with this idea of “gender” that’s been oppressing everyone? Probably a white male.

Try to distinguish between when it’s other people oppressing you or when reality is the culprit.

This wedding ran out of wine – what happens next will SHOCK you! #BuzzfeedBible

How easy is it for a rich man to get to Heaven? The answer will surprise you. #BuzzfeedBible

10 easy rules to follow to keep your covenant with God #BuzzfeedBible

So are we sure it’s against the rules to pick up the ball in soccer? Like has anyone tried picking it up?

If you were really emotionally invested in a snail, you could really get cheering about a mile long snail race. Best I can understand soccer.

If you don’t want me to make fun of your sport, then don’t be a fan of a boring, stupid sport.

Okay; let’s just call it a 0-0 tie and be friends.

Come on, Tea Party; won’t someone think of the cronies?

I remember a Garfield joke about an automated battery changer that can only change own batteries; reminds me of establishment Republicans.

There are lots of ways to pay for birth control; there aren’t lots of ways to have religious freedom.

What if Biden started borrowing power?

It seems like politics would be a lot less frustrating to follow if I were a rich crony.

A new Transformers movie just opened, so hopefully Biden isn’t needed to break any ties in the Senate today.

Is there any greater condemnation of capitalism than how many Transformers sequels have resulted from it?

Obama: “I didn’t know the presidency would involve Congress disagreeing with me so much. I should have googled a president on Wikipedia.”

Funny how engine which explodes fuel seems to be last thing to break on car. Power windows, you’re not exploding anything; keep it together.

“But mathematically, our team that just lost still gets to advance.” -1st world country scamming 3rd world country

Soccer fans have to have a bit more sympathy for how genuinely baffled most Americans are by the popularity of soccer.

Take something you don’t understand popularity of (e.g., Dane Cook). Now pretend everyone else in the world thinks it’s the greatest thing ever.

“And now we finally have a land of religious freedom.”
“Must have gotten on the wrong ship; I was going to the land of free birth control.”

It’s always a bad sign when a country feels the need to tell you they’re democratic or a republic in the country’s name.

“Kick the ball! Yes! Now kick it some more! No no no! Don’t pick it up!” -soccer coach, I assume

Saw this on Facebook.

Well, the Steam Summer Sale got a lot of my money, though I don’t expect to have time to play any of those games for months.

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Random Thoughts: Perfect Crime, Hillary, and the IRS

Monday, June 23, 2014 9:04 am

Give to the Liberty Island campaign – not just because they’re publishing me, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Know what’s the perfect crime? Murdering a jury. You can’t get a fair trial because any jury will be biased against you.

So this rapist everyone is talking about that Hillary defended — is that her husband or someone else?

So if you’re a true soccer fan, is a game with as many goals in it as the Switzerland/France game really boring?

Despite all the scandals, polls show the public still has a 34% confidence that the IRS wouldn’t punch a baby in the face just for fun.

A tie! Everybody’s a winner!

If you can end on a tie, it’s not actually a sport.

I need to plug blinds.com. Did you know if you were an idiot and mis-measured, they’ll make and send new blinds for free?

Man, I’m good at pitching woo. Had a 100mph fastball going. Nearly took her head off.

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Random Thoughts: Censorship, Soccer, and Iraq

Friday, June 20, 2014 9:00 am

I’m not usually for censorship unless I don’t like something.

Have we made sure the Secretary of Defense isn’t Rumsfeld wearing Hagel’s skin, because Rumsfeld seems like kinda person who would do that.

So a really boring football games that consists of nothing but a couple field goals is the average soccer game.

Being a husband is hard. Being a father is hard. If you think it’s easy, you’re probably doing a bad job at it.

Uh oh. Steam Summer Sale. And I’ve been so productive.

The only thing freakier than seeing Slenderman is not seeing Slenderman because then he’s probably right behind you.

Obama: “There will be no boots on the ground in Iraq… not with our new HOVER TECHNOLOGY!”

I bet those Uruguayans are firing their AK-47s in the air celebrating their victory over the decadent West. Wait, where’s Uruguay?

From my dialect and the way I speak, it’s pretty easy to tell I’m from the internet.

I can find England on a map. Well, I know what island it’s on. No, wait; that was Jamaica.

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Random Thoughts: New Zealand, Redskins, and Fire Phone

Thursday, June 19, 2014 9:00 am

Love the Flight of the Conchords show; such a light touch with the humor. Too bad only the two seasons.

So New Zealand is basically Australia’s Canada?

Washington Hippie Punch #NewRedskinsName

The Washington [name redacted] #NewRedskinsName

The Washington I’m Offended! #NewRedskinsName

Was there an offensive named used for the Na’vi used in Avatar? I think you can still disparage made up races. #NewRedskinsName

The Washington Indians, But Not the Kind from Asia #NewRedskinsName

On the bright side for them, the Washington Whatevers are going to make a ton of money when fans have to buy new merchandise.

Racism in sports apparently equals huge scorn and huge profits.

The crowdfunding for Liberty Island is well under way. Join and get my novel when it releases.

Will it be the best novel you’ve ever read? Yes. Absolutely. How could I possibly write anything less?

The Washington Slurs #NewRedskinsName

When you start to realize all the horrible things they say about the right is projection, the left can be pretty scary.

Amazon Fire Phone, I was with you until “exclusively on AT&T.”

Hey, I can still claim to have the latest iPhone; I’m not getting a new phone yet.

Be funny if Amazon forgot to put regular phone functionality on their phone. “Totally slipped our mind with all the other features.”

You’ll know Hillary is serious about campaigning when you see her put “Hillary 2016″ stickers on her walker.

Because she’s old.

Hey, everyone; be like the Puppy Blender and support culture.

Was going to write a children’s story about nuking the moon, but the title I wanted, “Goodnight Moon”, was already taken.

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Random Thoughts: Taxing the Rich, Dana Milbank, and Vuvuzelas

Wednesday, June 18, 2014 9:00 am

Apparently there is a drug you can take to make watching soccer interesting though it may cause violent behavior.

“I support rich people other than me paying more in taxes.” -Democrats

“Sorry; computer crash. We lost all emails on Watergate.”
“And why were Woodward and Bernstein killed with a drone strike?”
“No comment.”

So these lost emails basically mean we need the government to be more competent before we can hold it accountable for its incompetency.

You have to feel for Dana Milbank; it must be enraging when people on the right don’t fit his preconceived caricatures.

“And then they pointed at a woman with a headscarf, yelled, ‘Mooslim!’, and killed and ate her. At least, that’s what I FELT happened.”

I actually might want to be a reporter; that sounds fun.

Remember to support Liberty Island’s crowdfunding campaign and get my first novel.

Can you imagine how good a novel by me would be? No; you can’t. That’s why I had to write it.

Imagine me writing a scifi action adventure while trying to occasionally be serious. You can’t. That’s why you need to get my novel.

Except you can’t get it yet. But you can support the Liberty Island crowfunding campaign and get it soon.

You can even get a signed copy. “I got this before Frank J. Fleming was insanely famous.”

A signed copy of the first edition of my first novel will have to be worth $1 million a decade from now, though you won’t want to sell it.

If for some insane reason we started calling soccer “football” in the US, what would we call football? Smashball? Tackleball? Huddling?

So was Dana Milbank’s comparison of that Heritage panel with the Red Wedding apt?

I really don’t get the World Cup; I already spend most of the year watching people not score soccer goals.

I don’t get people getting murdered over lost soccer games; 0-0 ties more likely to make me murderous.

Might as well just add a judge at the end who awards the winner to whichever team kicked the ball the most.

You need to read this 40 page thesis paper on why a 0-0 tie in soccer is actually exciting.

I’d watch the entire World Cup rather than actually read Hillary Clinton’s book.

I kinda miss the vuvuzelas.

There was something magical about vuvuzelas. It took the ridiculous inscrutability of the appeal of soccer to a new level.

Someone actually decided what soccer was lacking was a constant annoying sound. It’s hard not to give in to such lovely madness.

I’m only terrorizing people with my viewpoint on guns because I saw a YouTube video.

The thing with Hillary is she’ll be able to campaign as “probably better than Obama” and GOP will have trouble contradicting her on that.

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Random Thoughts: Illegal Immigration, My Novel, and Soccer

Tuesday, June 17, 2014 9:00 am

Can we at least keep illegal immigrant criminals from coming over here? We don’t want them stealing heists from American criminals.

Make sure to join in the crowdfunding for Liberty Island which will be publishing my first novel.

It only takes $5 to get the ebook of my novel. You have $5. Everyone in America has at least $5.

It’s $25 for a signed copy of the print book. So if you’ve been dying to get me to acknowledge your existence, boom.

Not sure how to promote myself as a first time novelist, but I promise I am good writer. No write boring.

I can’t imagine someone who wouldn’t want a novel by me. Maybe if that person was the reincarnation of Hitler.

You’re not the reincarnation of Hitler, though. You would like a fun story about sociopathic, intergalactic hitman written by me.

Working in the IT department for the federal government seems like it’s very non-demanding.

Got an idea for a wacky comedy about an Obama appointee trying desperately and unsuccessfully to get himself fired.

So this is the United States of America that’s about to play a soccer match? Not some country called “Usa”?

Not to sound like an ignorant American, but what continent is Ghana on?

We put a man on the moon; I don’t care if we can put a ball in a net.

So when is the first game we play against a country Americans have heard of?

The clock counts up? What insanity is this? Has no one who plays soccer seen how a modern sport works?

But what country is best at playing Mario Kart?

But what if we lose to Ghana? I bet Barack Obama won’t take any of the blame.

Wow. This live update of the World Cup that Twitter has put on the sidebar is really exciting.

You have to give Americans credit for caring enough about soccer to make fun of it. We could just completely ignore it.

None of our tax dollars went to teaching guys how to kick a ball around, right?

“America just played its first game of the 2014 World Cup.”
“The what?”
“And they beat Ghana!”
“Who?”

So far, this is really in the running for best season of 24.

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Random Thoughts: Soccer Fever, My New Novel, and Popcorn

Monday, June 16, 2014 9:00 am

I think I have soccer fever! No, wait — it’s just a regular fever. I was panicking there for a minute.

Just to set the record straight, what was Hitler’s stance on the Oxford comma?

Ceding the stuff blamed on Bush, wouldn’t it be nice for Obama to have a good accomplishment instead of something bad that’s not his fault?

Maybe a good way to get ahead in journalism is to pretend to be one of Bill Clinton’s illegitimate children.

America didn’t pay attention to World Cup even when we hosted it. People wandered onto field during games and said, “What’s going on here?”

The choice always seems to be between unelectable extremists and inoffensive moderates who never threaten to do anything useful.

Sounds like the only responsible thing to do now is fire everyone in the IRS just to be on the safe side.

I didn’t mean to be a white male.

Liberty Island is going into book publishing, and my science fiction novel, Superego, will be their first title.

Pledge at least $5 for Liberty Island, and you’ll get the ebook version of my novel.

It has to be exciting because I have a very short attention span and wouldn’t be able to write than much if it didn’t hold my interest.

There are guns and explosions and fights in my novel. And probably some humor. So preorder a copy.

There’s also a exploration of the nature of morality through my constructing a character who has no practical need for it, but mainly action.

Anyway, I will continue to mention this over and over for quite some time.

“What foul demons from the depths of hell have I awoken!” -discoverer of popcorn

In Idaho, shouldn’t they be called dumpgulls or mallgulls because there ain’t no sea.

I doubt it was men who requested they also put changing tables in the men’s room.

I still think there is a 25% chance that other countries only pretend to like soccer in some sort of joke made to baffle Americans.

I’m trying to imagine the conditions our ancestors worked in where paperweights was a necessary thing.

My wife called Spock’s move the “Vulcan death-grip.” She’s lucky she’s pretty.

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Random Thoughts: Iraq, World Cup, and Government

Friday, June 13, 2014 9:00 am

So with releasing 5 dangerous Taliban and not giving Iraq air strikes, I guess we’re trying a “stay out of the way of terrorism” strategy.

People make fun of American news for spending so little time on foreign affairs but we also spend less time on people kicking a ball around.

Tim Scott proves Republicans are so racist that they will only vote for black people who agree with them politically.

If Kevin McCarthy becomes the new majority leader, will usher in a new era of McCarthyism? If so, why would that concern you, Commie?

Republicans being racist is a matter of faith to Democrats. Saying “Republicans aren’t racist” to a Dem is like saying “There is no God.”

There is no success without risk, and at times it seems like our country is at war with risk.

They should put cots in the elevators of skyscrapers so you can sleep your way to the top.

Obama should develop some sort of foreign policy.

Things similar between Obama and Hitler:
1. Mammalian
2. Usually wears pants
3. Muslim

You mean World Cup just started? I thought it had been going on for a week already.

How much would it anger the rest of the world if the US won the World Cup and the average American still had no idea what the World Cup is?

I mainly know soccer as being the catalyst for Homer Simpson buying a gun.

That was back when the Simpsons were good at taking on a controversial issue without preaching on it.

Is gun ownership controversial anymore?

So what’s happening in the World Cup? Did any team successfully kick the ball?

Government is a violent threat; I thought that was fairly obvious. It’s this thing bigger than us that can make us do what it wants.

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Random Thoughts: Middle East, World Cup, and Guns

Thursday, June 12, 2014 9:00 am

Tragic shooting. People yell at guns and NRA for a few days. Propose laws that wouldn’t have stopped said shooting. Everyone moves on.

So guy steals guns to get around background check and heads to a school with numerous 10rd magazines. What’s the next move?

The Tea Party is dead — the walking dead, killing everyone in its wake!

I’m guessing the anteater was named past 4 o’clock on a Friday.

Trying to ban guns could cause a civil war in America. One where only one side has guns.

According to an Everytown press release I received, everyone in America was killed with guns last year and now we’re all ghosts.

Universal background checks could potentially stop one or two of the dumbest, laziest criminals from obtaining a gun.

“No one is talking about banning guns.” -guy who wishes we could ban guns

Know what would make a less violent world? A hug gun – a gun that when you pull the trigger, hugs its target. Also has a “Crush” setting.

We don’t actually like guns in this country; we just pretend to so as not to anger them.

I want my kids to think I’m cool; how hard is it to learn to rap?

Looking at which countries in Middle East are actually successful and stable, I have one question for the people there: Have you tried Judaism?

Maybe if we actually put some effort into winning the World Cup, other countries would finally like us. Nah; doesn’t seem worth it.

Remember all the doors we had to manually open before there were automatic doors? We were worn out all the time.

I wish my home had automatic doors, but I guess that would make it easy to rob.

Okay, I’ll finally ask: What’s the big deal about the Mona Lisa? It’s just a painting of some woman.

My wife never gives me partial credit for listening.

Everybody calm down; Obama obviously knows what he’s doing. The man has a Nobel Peace Prize.

Did Hitler win the Nobel Peace Prize at one point, or does that just sound like something that’s true?

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Random Thoughts: Equal Pay, Guns, and Hagel

Wednesday, June 11, 2014 9:00 am

I have a fix for inequality; it’s called the whine tax. If you whine, you get taxed a thousand dollars.

I hope President Hillary only nukes bad people.

I’ll probably finally get a WiiU when the next Legend of Zelda comes out.

Women need men’s help getting equal pay? Come on, gals; learn to negotiate.

If you’re a woman falling for the president’s equal pay nonsense, you are not equal. You are stupid. That’s why you’re earning less.

I tell you the hard truths because I care. Or because I don’t care. One of those.

So guns were invented centuries ago, weren’t even regulated at all until beginning of last century, but are cause of school shooting now?

More correlation between rise of teachers unions and school shootings than anything about guns. Blaming that slightly more logical.

I mean, if we’re going to look at this logically. Which we’re not.

Boko Haram kidnapped more girls in Nigeria? Didn’t they see the president’s hashtag?

Try and deal logically with people who thought a “Gun Free Zone” sign would stop shootings at a school.

On the rules for getting a book signed by Hillary Clinton, why did they put “don’t make eye contact” twice?

I thought Assassin’s Creed IV got boring anytime you were on land, so I have no interest in the new one.

So how much are you getting paid to read the Hillary book?

Hillary Clinton married her way into being a feminist icon.

We should really start a plan to get America back on track for 2024 after the Hillary presidency.

So what is the realistic plan to keep crazy people from getting one of the 300 million guns in this country?

When I see the term “Neo-Nazi” I think of Neo from the Matrix dodging bullets while doing a Nazi salute. Stop dodging those bullets, Nazi!

The problems with confiscating guns is that the people you’d be taking guns from have guns.

I think item number one here illustrates why the majority doesn’t take gun control proponents seriously anymore.

So 1000s of gun deaths a year and horrific school shootings, and 1st idea is go after open carry at Chipotle responsible for 0 deaths per year.

This has long been the case where they propose gun control ideas that wouldn’t even stop the shooting that spawned the gun control craze.

Like proposing universal background checks following a shooting where the guns were stolen. Are they actually trying to stop gun deaths?

For the record, I don’t get why you’d want to open carry into Chipotle. But if you want to stop gun deaths, not the thing to go after.

“My dad said he was going out to get a vape refill and then we never saw him again.”

Obama: “You keep calling the Affordable Care Act ‘Obamacare,’ but it was really Chuck Hagel who came up with it.”

So apparently the brick walkway that served no purpose is actually there to hide the valve box, which it did a great job of.

Good job hiding the valve box, brick walkway. Dug up the whole yard trying to find it.

More like “Can’t”or. #PoliticalHumor

Come on. “Can’t”or. Get it? Because he couldn’t. He couldn’t win the primary. Yes, I guess that is already his name.

Saying we shouldn’t have guns in America is a like saying Europeans shouldn’t have taken the land from the natives. Little late on opinion.

If your gun policy doesn’t start with the assumption criminals will obtain guns no matter what, then it’s pointless.

Anyway, shout with impotent rage at guns and the NRA and then watch as nothing happens because there is no substance behind your anger.

So are people who support gun free zones that work on the honor system ever going to admit they have blood on their hands?

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Random Thoughts: California Split, Hillary, and Self-Defense

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 9:00 am

I wish I could just dismiss everyone who disagreed with me as evil racists; that would allow me to use much less brain power for politics.

Science confirms: Our faces are very punchable.

Probably best way to get California to split is make coastal cities think it’s their idea. “Only thing holding us back are those right-wingers!”

If the global warming apocalypse happens, then I’ll believe those scientists on the next apocalypse they predict.

Obama had no significant achievements as a Senator. Hillary has no significant achievements as a Senator AND Secretary of State. #Upgrade

I hate the World Cup season when we here in America get inundated with a mention or two of soccer.

“You should learn to defend yourself.”
“No. I’m going to teach everyone in the world not to attack me.”
“Yeah, that sounds easier.”

“Wow! You kicked that ball! Good job!” -me to my one year old or foreign sports team

After Bill’s presidency, the Clintons struggled to get by. The reason Hillary did nothing about Benghazi is because she was busy couponing.

So did the machine ever respond to the rage?

Be wary when your wife gets so old she starts to tell tales, because those tend to be nonsense.

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Random Thoughts: Trolls and Bossy

Monday, June 9, 2014 9:00 am

You couldn’t actually get rid of all the guns in this country because the people with guns would shoot you if you tried. Makes you think.

You can easily defeat low-level trolls with fire-based spells. For high-level trolls, just avoid clicking their article on Slate.

“We located the enemy, Mr. President.”
“Did you tell them I’m really smart?”
“No. Blew them up with a hellfire missile.”
“I’m really smart.”

Saw a bumper sticker referring to the current president as a moron without naming the president. Can probably leave that on for decades.

Since they banned bossy what am I supposed to tell my daughter she is being when she tries to enforce arbitrary rules on everyone? The government?

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Random Thoughts: Super Nintendo, World Cup, and Taliban

Friday, June 6, 2014 9:00 am

I’m from the generation that had loud, angry shouting matches about whether Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis was better (it was SNES).

Before you belittle arguing about game systems, would you argue for the art of the Renaissance? Well, SNES brought way more hours enjoyment.

I propose to further differentiate soccer from football, we now refer to soccer as “European ball kicking.”

The new White House position seems to be that everyone in the military other than Bergdahl is awful.

Canadians are a good example of the “uncanny valley.” They’re so much like Americans but off just slightly in a way that makes them creepy.

I’m a big supporter of feminism and women smashing the patriarchy. I think that’s really cute.

The World Cup is when 3rd world countries gather around to watch people kick a ball until they all go mad and get violent. Purpose unknown.

I just didn’t get the 16-bit Sonic games. “Look how fast he can run! Now here’s an underwater level you have to carefully move through.”

Mr. President, during speeches blink three times in rapid succession if you are only saying things because the Taliban is making you.

Finally listened to some hip hop. Didn’t care for it.

Remember when the Japanese allegedly bombed us and the president was all like, “Let’s declare war on Germany!” What the hell was that about?

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Random Thoughts: Negotiation, Sarcasm Detection, and Rogue Presidents

Thursday, June 5, 2014 9:00 am

You know, I was 23 when I started my blog. Didn’t know a thing. Yet wrote stuff anyway. Know pretty much everything now.

Obama didn’t negotiate with terrorists. He took the sticker price.

So when will this software for detecting sarcasm in social media users be available? Because I’m not sure about my own posts sometimes.

Possible sarcasm detecting code:
if(post.Contains(“:P”))
{
sarcasm = true;
}

Three more books? When should we expect the third one to come out? 2083?

I’d be a rogue president who doesn’t play by the rules. “Fleming! Hand in your president badge and gun. I better not see you near Russia!”

Hillary couldn’t remember if she leaned on a walker in the photoshoot, seemed very confused where she was, offered “youngsters” hard candy.

A better trade would have been to give the ocean Taliban in exchange for fish.

If we shot five Taliban leaders to get Bergdahl back, that would have been awesome. What actually happened, not as good.

I think I’m too young to have ever read Rolling Stone.

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Random Thoughts: Surprised Obama, Taliban, and Bergdahl

Wednesday, June 4, 2014 9:00 am

Obama seems constantly surprised by everything. Maybe he has the same condition as that guy from Memento.

Bought my copy of Jim Geraghty’s The Weed Agency, out today. Buy a copy too and then you’ll be cool like me.

A novel about government bureaucracy? Maybe it’s something like Brazil. I didn’t understand Brazil.

So the WH really had no idea what the reaction to the release of Bergdahl would be? Even I have trouble believing they’re that dumb.

It’s good to know I have more Twitter followers than the American Nazi party. I’d hate to be less popular than Nazis.

Well, the Bergdahl trade was still better thought out than Obamacare.

The details about Bergdahl probably didn’t stick out to Obama; half of Obama’s friends have renounced their citizenship.

Maybe we just traded those 5 Taliban because they were duplicates (we kept their twin brothers).

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die or you get a copy of the home game (2-4 players, ages 10 & up).

Has Emily Blunt done any stoner comedies? Because I could imagine making a joke about that.

What I hate most about libertarians is how they’re always shushing you and think everything can fit in the Dewey Decimal System.

Something to make you feel old: Today is the 50th anniversary of the 1980s.

Why would anyone question trading five dangerous Taliban fighters for a guy who denounced his citizenship and deserted?

Maybe Obama should task Bill Ayers to explain why we should be happy about the Bergdahl trade.

“Hi, this is President Obama. I’m calling about the Ford Pinto you put on Craigslist. Would accept 3 Taliban members in exchange for it?”

There’s a right-wing conspiracy to point things out that the White House would not like pointed out.

If it was done in the name of Satan, that would be awful, but in the name of an internet meme even more depressing.

In high school debate clubs, do they limit how many Hitler comparisons you can make?

This freeing the POW isn’t working out at all like it did in Wag the Dog. Did the WH get a country song to go with it?

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Random Thoughts: Mario Kart, Climate Model, and Hurricanes

Tuesday, June 3, 2014 9:00 am

Teaching our language is so hard. “Add ‘ed’ to the end of a verb to make past tense, except for these 80 million exceptions: saw, took,…”

“More like ‘Mario Fart’!” -line I’m saving for if Nintendo one day releases a bad Mario Kart game

Can I really criticize the police for carelessly chucking a flashbang grenade in a room when I do that all the time in Call of Duty?

If I were president, all my signing statements would be about what a good show Community and how everyone should watch it.

According to my climate model, soon thousands of Persian arrows will blot out the son. Wait, I put in wrong year…

Most men don’t understand what the #YesAllWomen thing is about because they were only pretending to listen.

#YesAllHurricanes

Why don’t we give hurricanes names people know to be scared of, like Hillary?

If you consider it Obama’s job to provide plenty of content for news coverage and commentary, he does a really good job as president.

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Random Thoughts: Socialized Medicine, WH Press Secretary, and Buffy

Monday, June 2, 2014 9:00 am

Remember there has been numerous times in the US’s history we thought it was the end of American prosperity, and haven’t been right so far.

What’s happened with the VA doesn’t actually prove anything the right has been saying about socialized medicine except for everything.

We need free speech because everyone other than me becomes extreme when not challenged with dissenting views.

Hunger Games would have been a good alternate title for Pac-Man.

Why do we need a White House press secretary? Would asking questions to an empty podium achieve any less than usual press conference?

My recommendation for WH press secretary would be someone with a poor grasp of English because that will cover up deceptions more.

Don’t know why some politician hasn’t paid me a million dollars for my advice as I’m full of good advice and would like a million dollars.

So did people actually like Glory from season 5 of Buffy? I thought she was the worst part of the season.

Actually, when writing an eccentric, female villain for my novel, I kept saying to myself, “Make sure she’s nothing like Glory.”

I also have criticism for season 5 Buffy episode The Body because it’s so out of tone from rest of series, but I know I’m in minority there.

For whole series, high schoolers getting killed is dumb fun, but sometimes we’re supposed to take death super seriously.

Same problem with how Anya was killed off in finale. What worked for Serenity was out of place in Buffy.

They suddenly killed off my favorite character; I didn’t even care about the rest of the episode.

“I bet children will love toys based on this long after it’s largely irrelevant as a mode of transport.” -inventor of trains

So, Waterworld, whales and seals didn’t evolve gills from living in water, but Kevin Costner did?

Hello, darkness, my old friend,
Please connect with me on LinkedIn.

So the Big Bad Wolf came to the house of straw, and the little pig tweeted #LeaveMyHouseAlone. The End.

On the new Reading Rainbow: How to spoil things for people who only watch the HBO adaptation.

Know why Game of Thrones readers are good about not spoiling? We know eventually the show will get ahead of books and want favor returned.

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Random Thoughts: Chemtrails, Government Incompetency, and Whining

Friday, May 30, 2014 9:00 am

The reason there are so many more wacky conspiracy theories these days is that the government puts paranoia-inducing chemicals in chemtrails.

“I voted for Obama because the GOP VP candidate was ignorant.” That pulls into question your wisdom on anything else.

That was a common thinking for a lot of people. Probably breathed in chemtrails.

Just really weird someone who voted for Obama wondering why government is so incompetent.

“Why does government fail at everything it does? Oh, better go vote to reelect Obama before the polls close.”

Call me an insane dreamer, but I still hold out hopes that M. Night Shyamalan will one day make a good film again.

I’ve concluded that not having the same political beliefs as me makes you angry and stupid and shut up.

I wonder how many people would be a serial killer except they’ve just never tried killing anyone and don’t know how much they’d like it.

I wonder if I hindered my daughter from eschewing traditional gender roles by naming her Buttercup.

One day people will look back on our society and say, “Never before had people been blessed with so much yet whined so incessantly.”

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Random Thoughts: Hitler, Inequality, and Karl Rove

Thursday, May 29, 2014 9:00 am

*teenager throws stone through mansion window*
Bruce Wayne: “I shall become a rock.”

I don’t know why the opposite of socialism isn’t lonerism. I support lonerism.

Hitler was constantly pushing for a smaller, less powerful government and making sure everyone had a right to a gun.

If you say you’re against fascism and keep pushing for the government to have more power and control more things, you’re incoherent.

If there’s one thing this country needs, it’s more rich people talking about the horrors of income inequality.

Let’s stop using hashtags; they’re ruining modern communication. #NoHashtags

It’s pretty fair to judge all Australians based on the actions of Mel Gibson. New Zealanders too, maybe.

I strongly disapprove of Karl Rove’s tactics against the old and sickly Hillary Clinton.

I can only hope Hillary Clinton’s hearing aid wasn’t turned up high enough to hear the slanderous things Rove said.

So was Hillary hit with a giant, cartoon mallet that made her forget everything about Benghazi or did I just imagine that?

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