There are free cell phones for illegal immigrants. Just go to ICE and say, “I’m an illegal immigrant,” and they’ll give you one.

I thought it was a false flag operation but I just had never seen a Puerto Rican flag before.

I was really crossing my fingers the suspect would be a woman this time for diversity’s sake.

CNN: “Sorry. We have one source that always lies and one that always tells the truth and we’ve never been able to figure which is which.”

Was watching CNN and heard James Earl Jones say, “This is not CNN.”

We’re going to get another Sandy Hook if we don’t pass gun control laws that would have done nothing to stop Sandy Hook.

I like guns and freedom and America and nachos.

Can now we declare the gun control issue officially dead in America and recognize that it’s never coming back? #MoveOn

Yes, there are people who were for expanded background check since 1999 who are against them now. That’s now dead that useless issue is.

I’d take your outrage over gun violence more seriously if you didn’t immediately latch onto completely useless gun control measures.

So now that we’re done with this crap, anyone have any ideas for things that might actually stop violent crime?

I actually wouldn’t have been outraged if the bill passed. It just seemed rather useless.

Obama: “Everyone was against Obamacare and we got that passed. People were actually for this one!”

I don’t really this respect this president very much but as long as he doesn’t bother me I don’t care.

So 90% of people passionately believed in this bill and Obama couldn’t get it passed? Man he sucks at being president.

A lot of these gun control proponents seem really emotional and irrational; I hope a background check will keep them from getting guns.

If all you gun control people are still upset about kids being killed, maybe you can redirect your ire against Kermit Gosnell.

They say we don’t have to worry about gun grabbing anymore; does that mean all the people for it a decade or two ago apologized?

You get money for supporting guns? Why have all of us suckers been doing it for free?

Doesn’t it show what a safe, civilized society we have that people have no fear insulting those who own guns?

If your plans all hinge on the fantasy of keeping the murderous from getting guns, then you’re the one okay with more Sandy Hooks.

I bet Romney would have gotten pointless gun control passed.

All the ones obsessing on this bill that wouldn’t have prevented Sandy Hook are the ones not taking those deaths seriously.

Freedom is powered by liberals’ tears.

Harry Reid voted against the amendment for procedural reasons and because he’s old and easily confused.

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Outlawing abortion would create many bad situations. Keeping abortion on demand creates many worse ones.

If you take anyone seriously who uses the phrase “anti-choice” to label opponents of abortion, you are stupid.

Does that no one loved them make the deaths of children at the hands of Gosnell more or less tragic than the deaths of other infants?

Say what you will about my generation, but from an early age we’ve been able to name four Renaissance artists and four ancient Japanese weapons.

According to my non-partisan study, all Democrats are basically Hitlers in training.

You don’t want to see my partisan study. It’s mainly just profanity.

Do you think whoever first discovered a lime tree got really frustrated waiting for his lemons to ripen?

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So how much of an outlier is Gosnell, or is that one of the question we’re supposed to not get answered?

Bad indication on news coverage when people are going to Snopes to find out if Kermit Gosnell is real.

The left have to be horrified by all this completely legitimate right-wing righteousness. They could have prevented it. #Gosnell

If we want to waterboard terrorists and get everyone to turn a blind eye toward it, just need to get it under the banner of “women’s rights.”

Usually, serial killing is a hobby and there aren’t these great financial incentives. #Gosnell

Then again, if he was just doing it for the money, that would be less creepy. Money is a motivation we all understand. #Gosnell

Not all is lost; shame can still be effective.

“I’m okay with abortion unless babies get killed.” -apparently common position

So basically, Obama thought it was wrong to not trust abortionists like Gosnell to save children born alive. Will he admit to being wrong on this? Very deadly wrong?

Kind of creeps me out for some reason that the ones I’ve seen on Twitter arguing most vehemently for abortion are guys.

They basically ceded they couldn’t win the argument when they started using “choice” instead of “abortion.”

Isn’t national reciprocation of concealed carry permits at least as inevitable as gay marriage?

I don’t get decaffeinated coffee. That’s like buying de-poisoned rat poison.

Like I assume most dads my age, I’ve taught my child to respond to “I’m your father,” with “No! That’s impossible!”

“Possibly done by right-wing extremists” = “I pray this is the right-wing attack we’ve been hoping for for years, but probably not.”

“I like violent tragedies because they confirm my political biases!” -common sociopath

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Has anyone tried defending the media blackout on Kermit Gosnell, or are they sticking to completely ignoring that?

When do we get the national discussion of how the abortion culture has led to Kermit Gosnell?

Is that it? We don’t care what horrors go on as long as we don’t have to see or hear about them? I’m sure that’s mature and healthy.

Hey, Obama you know what might save one life? Maybe you even just discussing the Kermit Gosnell situation. Not worth it, though, huh?

I think everyone knows really bad stuff goes on in an abortion clinic, but the last thing they want to do is say what they are okay with.

If that means completely ignoring horrific things like screaming babies being killed, that’s just easier in the long run.

There is absolutely nothing to the left that rises over the importance of partisan politics, and that includes infanticide.

What’s their response to a screaming infant being killed? “She should have been killed inside the mother where we couldn’t hear her scream.”

We tried using the “ange” sound in the word “orange” and were all like, “Let’s not do that again!”

So where do I get these “bitcoins”? A warp pipe in Super Mario?

Hey, I’ve passed 13,000 followers on Twitter. That’s only 7,000 from being 80,000 from being 900,000 away from a million!

Grease up your guns to foil gun grabbers. “I can’t get a grip on it! I guess you’ll have to stay armed.”

I guess Hagel is doing an okay job as Secretary of Defense, but someone should tell him that “Korea” is spelled with a K, not a C.

FYI: If you put “Bing” into Bing, it’s not until the 36th page of results that you get something about the guy from Friends.

So is Gosnell basically a serial killer who found a nearly legal way to go about it?

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If Gosnell gets the death penalty, we can be sure the left won’t protest it because the last thing they’d want is that story to get attention.

The next time the left pretend the right are awful or pretend to care about people, remember how they ignored the Kermit Gosnell story.

I was hoping we’d start with “spit in face of gun control proponents” and compromise down to “spit on shoe.”

Restrictions on voting should be at least as strict as guns. If you don’t trust someone with a gun, don’t trust him with nation’s future.

If it requires someone giving it to you, you don’t have a “right” to it.

I have a right to put a gun to someone’s head and force him to give me what I think I need.

We’re getting a Jayne hat for my soon to be born son so he’ll always know his mother loves him.

I’ll cease, but I won’t desist.

What does Ben Carson know that’s worth telling a bunch of doctors anyway?

1st rule of gun safety: Always treat the gun as if it is loaded. 2nd rule of gun safety: Never take gun advice from Joe Biden.

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The only way choosing between Obama’s useless gun control and the NRA will lead to dead kids is if Obama is threatening to murder them.

I thought we fought a war to keep a collective from owning our kids or am I thinking of Star Trek?

I think all Senators should be bugged. I don’t trust any of those guys.

I’m all for bugging each others campaigns being the new norm. I’m guessing the left say much more interesting things in private.

There is nothing the left can accuse the right of as horrible as this issue they choose to remain silent about.

Is that what the “women’s rights” is now? Having to ignore a screaming child as she’s murdered?

Very proud of my daughter today. For the first time ever, she correctly answered a “why are you doing something” question. Usually it’s: “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m crying!” Seems like a communication milestone to get past that.

It’s dangerous trying to grab any of my guns because they’re very protective of each other.

First it’s “their society’s children” and then it’s “that’s society’s bacon” and then violence and screaming and I have a good night’s sleep.

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I’m 33; don’t remember much about Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. All I know is whiny people seemed to despise her.

Remember when Time Magazine named Mikhail Gorbachev “Man of the Decade”? Did that even makes sense at the time?

Margaret Thatcher sure upset a lot of awful people.

Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t win a GOP primary today because he’d be far too racist.

Not sure what to think of the song “Accidental Racist” since I’m not really big on country or rap but I love racism.

If you’re still taking Obama seriously at this juncture, you’re very gullible.

A Molotov cocktail isn’t actually a true cocktail unless you add bitters.

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Wow. That was pretty gruesome going through my tweets from a day the automatic spellcheck wasn’t working.

Yay. Reset Chrome and finally got the spellcheck redline back. I don’t like tweeting without a net.

If the solution to economy is having illegal aliens gay marry in ceremonies filled with assault weapons, we have a bright future ahead of us.

As a Christian, I want to judge people and force my morality on others, but the left have a monopoly on that

Nothing wrong with Obama’s compliment about the attorney general’s looks, but how he interrupted her shouting, “TAKE IT OFF!” was pretty bad.

Hillary Clinton seemed a lot more formidable before she was beaten by Obama and served unremarkably as Secretary of State.

This is so hypocritical. There were all those female attorney generals Obama called unattractive to their face and no one cared.

We probably don’t take the North Korean regime seriously enough considering its body count.

I tell every woman I meet whether I find her attractive or not. Women crave feedback.

I’m just kidding; I don’t know what goes on inside a woman’s brain. I swear half of it is a random number generator tied to mood.

I had the perfect murder planned until I accidentally live tweeted it.

I don’t think you can actually blow a guy’s head clean off with a .44 magnum; you need like a shotgun for that. CC: MythBusters

Nothing makes you feel like a real, professional writer like a royalty check.

Despite Obama’s reelection, people apparently still like books making fun of him.

Since this was way before my time, I have to ask: Did anyone really take Roger Moore seriously as James Bond?

Well, I guess “way before my time” isn’t quite true; I was six when the last of his films came out – but I was not the target audience.

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I have a good adaptation for modern age: high pocket awareness. I can’t go long without realizing I’m missing keys, wallet, or phone.

According to elites: John the Baptist was at the crucifixion buying new gun magazine since he fired all the bullets in the ones he had.

When I went to college, I got a degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering and learned useful skills people pay money for. Be like Frank.

Actually, I probably paid too much for the degree and had lots of loans. Just go to a state college. Don’t be like Frank.

When I had nothing but free electives left, I actually did my final semester at community college while working. That was kind of smart.

Hurm. The Chrome spellcheck seem to no longer work on the Twitter website. This is a porblem.

Ebert was my favorite reviewer. I could usually tell if I’d like a movie from his reviews, even if my verdict would be different than his.

I could never disagree with Ebert on anything in politics as much as I disagreed with his 2-star rating on Die Hard.

Kind of sad to read all the plans Ebert had just two days ago. Might as well be as busy as you can until the end.

It seems to me that Jeremy Iron was making a very rational point that people desperately want to believe is crazy.

On the path we’re going down, expect people to play lots of crazy tricks with marriage laws.

Already happens now with people marrying to stay in the country. They’re just going to be more angles now.

And what is the argument that a father can’t marry his son? It’s really icky to contemplate? Is that a valid argument anymore?

If we aren’t allowed to objectify women, we’ll probably just end up ignoring most of them.

I know it’s a little late, but I want to be on record as being against the Soviet Union.

How did the Soviet Union even get started? It was so stupid. “We’re going to empower the worker and the whole world will follow!”

The Soviet Union is what happens when don’t punch hippies as soon as they leave the safe confines of the college campus.

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“Everyone other than me is doing conservatism wrong.” -numerous

People just don’t get feminists extremely dry sense of humor. They’re masters of the deadpan.

“CAUTION: Illegally entering the United States may cause you to be subjected to terms you don’t like.”

Oh yeah, I got a new kid due in like a month. Hope my wife is prepared for that.

If every program for every computer language would just agree which F-key is step over and which is step into, my life would be much simpler.

I have a great idea for guaranteed jobs, housing, and health care for everyone, but need term for it that poll-tests better than “slavery.”

North Korea, how about you don’t go to war and we give you a fun-sized bag of chips?

This is a limited-time offer; eventually I will eat the chips.

I didn’t marry until I was 26. So if you don’t marry early, women, that’s who you get stuck with.

This first sequester wasn’t so bad. We should do a second one.

So what’s happening? Austin is about to be obliterated?

So how many years does the next president get to complain about the mess he inherited from Obama?

Obama should make his speeches 5% shorter.

Probably a better idea than trying to make conservatism more popular is trying to make freedom more popular.

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Before you dismiss Obama’s 40% of gun sales lack a background check statistic, remember that 40% of what Obama says is true.

Had HR meeting in which they explained what would be happening with our benefits due to Obamacare. Pretty dour meeting.

I’d say my company leans left, but there wasn’t really any way to dress up any of the changes as good news.

Certainly don’t envy HR. Sounds like a big expensive mess to sort through.

Oh, and apparently we have to worry about that 40% “Cadillac” tax in 2018. Yay.

M. Night Shamaylan type twist for people who think everyone who disagrees with him is a dumb bigot: You were the real dumb bigot all along!

I’d say I love writing, but it’s truer to say I love sharing the things I think up and writing is the price I’m willing to pay to do that.

Let’s just call them “formerly known as illegal immigrants.”

I’m not excusing it, but reality is sexist.

I’m so done with Ben Carson. Let’s find another hugely successful, minority Republican who talked down the president’s spending to his face.

It should be illegal to tax guns or do anything else to artificially make them more expensive.

When someone has a grand, utopian vision for the future, you can never punch him in the face too hard.

You can count on the government to educate your children about as well as the government does anything.

Hillary does seem more qualified to be president than Obama was when he ran – though I’m still not sure exactly what she’s ever done.

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My favorite Google April Fools joke was the announcement of GMail. Over a GB of storage space for free? Come on.

It really did seem like a joke at the time since the only other internet mail for free gave you like 2 MB of space.

The joke is there is neither rational arguments for or against gay marriage.

The joke Netflix categories are a good April Fools prank because it’s just on the edge of believability.

Meet my imaginary friends Fairness, Equality, and Snuffleupagus. They tell me my political positions.

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“You don’t want to be with those braindead conservatives and their freedom. Instead you want our freesmart. Look what it’s done for CA.”

If you don’t like assault weapons, don’t buy one.

(though that makes you a sissy)

If you’re a congressman, it’s probably just a good idea in general not to use racial slurs. Especially if you’re not a Democrat.

If you’re ardently for higher taxes, you can probably get away with an n-word use. Everyone else should steer clear of slurs.

If I turn on conservatives to get invited to cocktail parties, the cocktails at these parties are like free, right?

I’m a principled conservative in that it’s unlikely I’ll be offered the amount of money it would take to get me to turn on my principles.

Is there a difference between “post-birth abortion” and infanticide?

In some cultures, infanticide is a really bad thing.

I think pretty much no one would dispute that ‘J’ is by far the best middle initial to have.

Bullwinkle J. Moose. Homer J. Simpson. T.J. Hooker. Frank J. Fleming.

Because of the sequester, there will be no April 1st this year.

I’ve never been very good at football, so going by Tony Romo’s contract I’m worth at least 3 million.

I don’t know about the $108 million Tony Romo contract; seems like there has to be cheaper ways to crush the spirits of Cowboys fans.

“The one thing an assault rifle needs is a way to carry it like a lunch box.” -the inventor of the M16

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Kinda disingenuous when the people doing everything they can to make sure blacks don’t vote GOP wonder why the GOP doesn’t have more blacks.

So how many votes does a Supreme Court verdict need to be a landslide?

Whatever the decision on Prop 8 is, I just hope Roberts doesn’t do anything cutesy again.

I was against gay marriage but now I’ve evolved and can shoot lasers out my eyes.

As a kid, I thought we’d have a Mars base by now, but I didn’t factor in that 90% of technological advancement would be phone related.

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Kinda anemic on the thoughts today; just two on Judd. I guess when you look at her you see a void of thoughts and feel the need to fill it.

Ashley Judd has decided to spend more time with her rape analogies.

Now we’ll never get the answers we deserve about her puffy face.

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Maybe the court will surprise everybody and rule that Prop 8 is super awesome and should apply everywhere.

Don’t worry about reading the Constitution before finding out a Supreme Court decision; there’s no spoilers in there.

“Looking over this constitution, I think you basically mandated gay marriage in here.” -Founding Father no-one listened to

I think the thing I like least about gay marriage is the moral preening.

I thought the progressive stance was to belittle the whole concept of marriage?

This is just like the civil rights movement of the 60s, except remade as a wacky comedy.

The reason you’ve never heard anyone speak out against Prop 8 before is because all the people opposed to it have tape over their mouths.

The path we’re on with gay marriage is a bad idea, but feels like rationalizing with lovesick teenagers that regular marriage is a bad idea.

In the end, there is just nothing particularly rational about marriage. Emotion wins.

So what are all these equal signs about? Affirmative action protest?

“We were sure this was the big civil rights issue of our era; thus we changed our Facebook avatars.” -rambling old people decades from now

So how did people get to thinking marriage was a man/woman thing in the first place?

So we all understand polygamy is inevitable, right? You can’t say the genders are unimportant but the number is sacrosanct.

Well, you could make a religious argument.

Argument against SSM: Marriage has always been between a man and a woman!
Argument against polygamy: Marriage has always been two people!

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You can’t be against fascism and for government expansion. That’s like being against mass shootings while arming the mentally ill.

If the push for gay marriage is like the civil rights movement of the 60s, did the civil rights movement have this much self-back patting?

Why are owls so fat?

No matter what trendy causes Hollywood celebrities latch onto, they tend to be not very smart and quite bigoted.

“Guns should only be the hands of the government and my personal bodyguards.” -every major gun control advocate

There should be an extremely punitive tax on advocating for more taxes.

So did the first guy to think of adding 9/10ths to the price of a gallon of gas make a million billion dollars?

I don’t think we’re to the point that the government can force you to eat broccoli. It can only force you to buy it.

I miss Fire Marshal Bill

There’s a perfectly rational explanation for everything in this universe once you get past the absurdity that anything exists at all.

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Republican leaders are rich people who want others to be rich. Democrat leaders are rich people who resent that anyone else is rich.

Have gun control proponents tried making overwrought, emotional appeals?

Kinda Sorta Remember What You Did Ten Summers Ago #WorstSequels

Alienses #WorstSequels

12 Angry Men and a Baby #WorstSequels

Games that automatically go into gameplay, skipping the main menu, the first time you start them up, it’s a cute idea but don’t do that.

So far the only actual impacts I’ve heard from the sequester are extremely privileged people being minorly inconvenienced.

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Remember to like me on Twitter. You do that by tweeting at me, “I like you!”

I have to manually tally up those likes, though, making it harder to figure out my self-worth than on Facebook.

Finished first draft on a short story. Not sure what I do with short stories though. I just needed something to work on while I let the 1st draft of a novel sit a while before I get to working on the 2nd draft.

So in New York, they’re going to stop violence by telling criminal they’re not allowed to load more than 7 bullets in their magazines?

Everyone who voted for that stupid gun bill in NY needs to be locked up in a dumb asylum where they can no longer hurt themselves or others.

I’m glad I’m neither an optimist nor a pessimist because I have more important things to do than constantly make judgments on water glasses.

The new NY gun law is just hard to deal with because it’s so breathtakingly stupid on so many different levels.

It’s not like the problem with violence in NY is that criminals have 3 too many bullets in their magazines.

And it doesn’t even limit criminals to 7 bullets, because they can just use out of state magazines (since they’re criminals).

But it doesn’t even ban in state magazine larger than 7 rounds — you’re just on the honor system to load your magazine with only 7 rounds.

And a criminal ready to murder someone is totally going to follow the honor system and only load 7 rounds in his magazine.

There is no conceivable way this law will even slightly inconvenience a criminal. It’s only going to pester law-abiding gun owners.

This law is so horrible, justice won’t be served until everyone involved with it is exiled to Antarctica never to return here.

Looking at the gun control crowd, maybe I should write a self-help book called “Coping with Losing a Political Argument.”

How DARE you, sir!
How dare YOU, sir!
How dare you, SIR!
You, sir, the daring — what’s up with that?

Just practicing my righteous indignation.

No, I’m happily married; I won’t have sex with you. Stop asking, women.

I’m non-partisan. Why aren’t I tax-free?

If you put a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters, they’d soon produce the greatest YouTube video ever made.

The reason Barack Obama was reelected was all politics.

The left are keep trying to surgically separate freedom and responsibility, but freedom always dies in that operation.

Wow, watching the cat play with a mouse is one of the cruelest things ever. Just kill it, you psychopathic freak!

Got the mouse away from the cat and drowned it (the mouse, that is).

They talk about human cruelty to animals, but we’re the only species who seems to care about this sort of thing.

Thanks to these mice, I have a much better kills to death ratio in real life than I do in Call of Duty.

Online games were so much easier back in college when I had the best ping on the planet.

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The only explanation for the color scheme on George R. R. Martin’s website is he intensely hates his readers. “I want a lavender background with purple text because @#$% you, that’s why!”

I would love to read the sample chapter, but I like my eyes too much.

To me, the height of engineering is when I have no idea what I’m doing and do it anyway.

I’m staring to dislike the Republicans who call everyone RINO and Republicans who complain about labeling anyone RINO in equal measure.

So I guess it’s well established now that there is no tragedy so horrible that people will support completely useless gun control measures.

“I will stomp your head until everyone else joins me and then I’ll stop because it’s now too mainstream.” #HipsterFight

“The martial arts I’m using is called Kalaripayattu. You’ve probably never heard of it.” #HipsterFight

Optimist: “The glass is half full.”
Pessimist: “The glass is half empty.”
Optimist Prime: “The glass is a go! Autobots, roll out!”

Why does only software come with boilerplate legalese no one reads? Why can’t all products have that?

Christians are always trying to force their values on society like how big your soda cup can be and what type of grocery bag you can use.

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