Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: Freedom, Writing, and Kochs

Wednesday, March 26, 2014 9:00 am

We should have a branch of government that protects individual freedom from government overreach.

The problem with freedom is that it takes so much constant maintenance. And good luck getting anyone to honor the warranty.

Though published by HarperCollins, my books cost $2 and $5. You get more than your value for them no matter what a court says.

I have a third book, coming in November, BTW, but this time in low-tech physical form.

It should have a cover by November.

I can’t make a lot of promises on the book other than it will have a lot of semicolons; I love semicolons — when I’m not using dashes.

“Kill them! Kill them all!” -Donald Rumsfeld’s default foreign policy advice

With this promotion of birth control as a fundamental right, I hope people are pointing out that promiscuity is still not a great idea.

8 Ways Lists Get You to Click on a Link

“You don’t have the freedom to object to things I tell you to pay for.”

The greatest trick the Koch brothers ever pulled was convincing the American public they don’t exist.

Started to receive tips for my story at Liberty Island. I like verbal feedback, but money also means you liked it.

I guess you should support a minimum wage increase if you’re pro-robot.

One thing I noticed from that article: I have trouble trusting anyone named “Frey.”

Freedom, responsibility, religion — these are the beasts we must slay to have an orderly, progressive future.

So how many Supreme Court Justices have the Koch brothers paid off?

All this talk about virtual reality being the next big thing is giving me early 90s flashbacks.

People must feel pretty dumb to be a part of a company Facebook isn’t buying for billions of dollars.

If you have a Nintendo Virtual Boy lying around somewhere, Facebook will pay you $5 million for it.

Do people who want to crush a business over not paying for a few abortifacients pretend they like freedom, or are they done with that act?

“I never met a man I didn’t compare to Hitler.” -modern day Will Rogers

“Forever Obamacare was delayed, hanging over the people like a threat. But should they ever displease the president…”

If the opinion is that companies aren’t allowed to be free, then it should be illegal for any company to disallow guns on its premise.

Maybe this could be a 2014 strategy for Obama: “Reelect Democrats, or I’ll stop delaying Obamacare!”

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Random Thoughts: Breaking Bad, Nate Silver, and Homosexual

Tuesday, March 25, 2014 9:00 am

Kinda surprised how many people didn’t like the Breaking Bad episode Fly; probably made a difference whether you were binge watching or not.

I thought it was a good episode, but I could see how people would be disappointed if you had to wait a week for the next episode.

Does Nate Silver change the results by observing and reporting them?

Heh. That cat looks so grumpy.

So how are Democrats reacting to losing the Senate?

Dogs do not appreciate magic.

“Homosexual” is now derogatory? Did MMFA just make that up because they were running out of things to criticize FOX News for?

Anything is derogatory if said with the right inflection.

So apparently, NYT published an article on the term homosexual yesterday, and MMFA is dinging FOX News for not immediately changing. Not immediately changing based on the cultural authority of the NYTimes. How do those kneebiters at MMFA live with themselves?

If we had a more functional media, Harry Reid would have been laughed out of office years ago.

Because of the popularity of Dr. Who, are Daleks in ads everywhere in the UK for things like facial creams and such? “EXFOLIATE! EXFOLIATE!”

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Random Thoughts: Firefly, Cronyism, and 2014 Strategy

Monday, March 24, 2014 9:00 am

We do understand, right, that under no circumstances whatsoever would Democrats admit Republicans aren’t racist? Why listen to them on this?

It would be funny if FOX announced “We’re bringing Firefly back!” and then released a Duck Soup reboot.

Netflix getting the government to enforce “Net Neutrality” would be a good example of cronyism.

I love Netflix, but I’m not going to pretend I _deserve_ it and the government has to step in to make sure I can keep streaming it.

“Multiple skull fractures, and what’s your story, Jill?”
“He fell fetching a pail of water.”
“And I’m sure you tumbled right after him.”

If you can build a better mousetrap, no one really cares anymore. Should’ve built an app instead.

The great thing about being married with kids is I no longer feel like a loser for staying home and watching TV Friday night.

FRIENDS: “It’s Friday night! Let’s go do something.”
ME: “But Firefly is on; it looks like it could be good.”

Man, I missed a lot of original airings of Firefly episodes to try and not be a loser. Wasn’t worth it.

“Daddy, what’s Britain?”
“It’s an island far away that makes quality programming for PBS.”

My advice to Democrats it that you should run on gun control and Obamcare in 2014. But keep in mind I hate you.

I hate all politicians, so don’t feel special. I wish you could all lose every election, but our stupid system means one of you has to win.

Non-biodegradable products are awful. If you have any, throw them out.

What’s difference between “bitches” and “hos”? Trying to figure which is appropriate term when I’m rapping about how much I love my wife.

Brewed myself a cup of coffee using the pour over method for the first time. I declare it a success. Of course, I’ve never once in my life said about a cup coffee “This is too strong.”

“Hey, sweetie, with the pour over method, the coffee has almost a fruity flavor to it. Try a sip.”
“Tastes like motor oil.”

Staying home from church with sick daughter. Don’t think I’ll catch what she has, though, unless I feel the urge to eat a ton of lip gloss.

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Random Thoughts: Fracking, 2017, and Freedom

Friday, March 21, 2014 9:00 am

A good strategy for a Democrat running in a red state in 2014 would be to claim to be a double agent trying to take Obama down from inside. “But keep it quiet.”

Now that oil companies can cause earthquakes with their fracking, maybe people should be nicer to them.

“They fracked so hard, it caused an earthquake.” -anti-oil protestor or really dirty line from Battlestar Galactica

They should do a Duck Soup reboot where Russia tries to annex Freedonia.

Obama is really looking forward to 2017 when he gets his presidential participation trophy.

“I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL SOMEONE LETS ME BE CLEAR!” -Obama, January 20, 2017

I think Obama will be happy to leave in 2017… unless Hillary wins, since she’ll rip out his heart and eat it to gain his powers.

Easy way for Obama to pwn Putin: Have dinner with him with lots of beans. When Putin farts, make sure he’s stuck with nickname “Tootin’.”

That foreign policy advice will be one million dollars.

Hey, look, Fred Phelps brought everyone together!

It would be nice if you had to demonstrate your economic theories in World of Warcraft before trying them on the real world.

Don’t you see, people? They’re just bouncing a ball back and forth on a court to no purpose! It’s madness! PURE MADNESS!

Is there a sort of insurance I can buy to protect my finances against people electing Democrats?

Freedom means that if someone has more money than you, you don’t just take it by force. People don’t like freedom.

Sometimes we need to stop arguing politics and just acknowledge that regardless of our views, we all care enough to boss each other around.

Hurm. You can tip through the new Starbucks app. There goes my excuse that I never have cash on me.

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Random Thoughts: Spelling, Scientists, and Game of Thrones

Thursday, March 20, 2014 9:00 am

Remember when we had to use dictionaries to figure out how to spell words? Had a hell of a time as a kid trying to find “chauffeur” in one.

But if you put “showfer” into Google, gets you right to the right spelling. Kids these days have it so easy, those useless punks.

I noticed a plot hole: Why does anything exist at all?

I think the reason people are so interested in this Malaysian plane disappearance is that it’s a whole plane full of people that disappeared.

Maybe I should go work at Vox and explain the news.

“Here’s a picture of the Malaysian plane when it was last seen. Here’s an artist’s rendering of what it would look like with facial hair.”

Bill Clinton’s Wife #HillaryClintonBookTitles

“You pass through an asteroid field on the way here? Well, that was the last planet that messed with us.” -good bluff for hostile aliens

The economics of House of Cards.

What if Democrats were as sociopathic as Frank Underwood, but without the competence? Or is that a what if?

Intense anger in politics is more often an indicator that you’re really stupid than that you’re really right.

You know when you cite “scientists,” that’s about as exclusive a word as “journalist,” right?

I could claim to be both a journalist and a scientist and you wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to disprove either.

Actually, that would be a great scientific experiment: Claim to be scientist, say crazy things, see if anyone can prove you’re not scientist.

Are we pretending there’s any chance George R.R. Martin will finish the Game of Thrones series before he dies of numerous beard-related diseases?

I know Martin said specifically he wasn’t going to Lost the ending to Game of Thrones, but I don’t see how he won’t with all the open plot-threads.

I’m kinda curious what Daft Punk looks like under those helmets, but I’ve seen dorks before.

Introduced 10 month old son to bacon today. He soon had a piece in each hand and was shoving it into his mouth.

Bacon is much better when you have teeth, though.

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Random Thoughts: Reading, Easter, and Frozen

Wednesday, March 19, 2014 9:00 am

Starting to teach my daughter to read. Explained to her that ‘p’ and ‘h’ together make an ‘f’ sound. Didn’t believe me. Don’t blame her.

So the fate of healthcare rest on us being able to convince Millennials to buy over-priced insurance over an XBox One?

We can fund all my proposals simply by raising taxes on people named Rich.

“First Sunday after the full moon following the March equinox.” The Council of Nicaea never again got to pick the date for a holiday.

“When’s Christmas this year?”
“I dunno; let me pull out my graphing calculator.” -if other holidays were set like Easter

It makes me feel racist that all my children are white.

Watch after the credits on Frozen because there’s an extra scene where a bald man in a wheelchair offers to take Elsa to a special school.

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Random Thoughts: The Irish, Minimum Wage, and Science

Tuesday, March 18, 2014 9:00 am

Grr, the one day of year those drunken potato-lickers aren’t ashamed to show their faces.

The luck of the Irish only applies to finding bars.

“Thanks for getting rid o’ the snake, St. Patrick!”
“All I did was put my garden hose back in the shed, you drunken idiots!”

“An increase in minimum wage will increase jobs!” In what universe? Because in this one we have something called math.

A minimum wage increase is a forced increase in the price of labor. What happens when you increase the price of something?

This is like arguing Apple could sell more iPads by increasing the price a hundred bucks.

Why does Russia even want Ukraine? Seems like an awful place to live; it’s always getting invaded.

It seems like modern economic thought is all about convincing us that freedom is bad and that we should ignore math.

When scientists talk about the first microsecond of the universe, I like to keep in mind they still haven’t figured out why animals yawn.

“There is no statute of limitations on murder.” Make sure to check out my short story “Who Murdered the Dinosaurs?”.

I’m going to keep pimping it until you all read it, so you might as well get it done. And sign up at Liberty Island and review it, too.

Die Hard is not a St. Patrick’s Day movie.

iPhone was stuck thinking headphones were in it, but fixed itself over the night. I think water must have gotten in there and shorted things.

“Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” -Santa asking for a Class III weapon registration form at the ATF

Santa is a member of the NRA and frequently carries. He goes into a lot of bad neighborhoods late at night.

And we’re absolutely sure there was a plane.

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Random Thoughts: Pi, Citizen Kane, and Veronica Mars

Monday, March 17, 2014 9:00 am

HARY REID IS BEING PAID BY KOCH TO DISCREIT ANTI-KOCH PEOPLE!!

When liberals try to explain why conservatives can’t be funny, it always seems rooted in a deep-seated insecurity.

At some point at 1:59 on 3/14 was there a pi moment where date and time equaled exactly pi or is that not how irrational numbers work?

Got a email from DSCC that just said: “Koch! Koooooch! KOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!!! Donate now.”

Is Ed Koch running for office again?

Can’t wait to see Veronica Mars again battle her arch-nemesis Jenny Jupiter with her telekinetic powers. What was that show about again?

I’m tired of the two major political parties so I think I’ll switch to the Green Party. The “green” in their name refers to money, right?

How are all you people watching movies backwards?

“Bank error, not in our favor!” -me finding bugs in 8-bit PIC assembly code. None of you will get that.

I’m tired of making fun of this president; I want a new president to make fun of… one with an easier to imitate voice.

Bet I could do a good Frank Underwood impression. Basically just Foghorn Leghorn.

I am shocked — shocked — to find that there are exposed, live wires in here.

So has the #BanBossy campaign worked yet? Have women started being less bossy? Hasn’t worked on my wife so far.

Mathematical constants get really angry when you tell them they’re being irrational.

A long time ago, we used to watch Veronica Mars. But I haven’t thought of it lately at all.

There is no real proof robots exist, just a few grainy photos of them taken by hunters who claimed to have seen one in the woods.

It’s been tough to avoid spoilers, but I’m finally watching Citizen Kane this evening.

Wow. I’m really intrigued. What could be this “Rosebud” that were Charles Foster Kane’s last words? It could be ANYTHING!

Didn’t like Citizen Kane. Was expecting a big climax with a gun fight. It’s like the director never saw a summer blockbuster before.

And why would he care about his one sled from his childhood when he was rich enough to buy a whole warehouse full of sleds? Idiot.

“Wow, this sure is a golden age of piracy.” -something probably not said by anyone on a ship getting boarded during the Golden Age of Piracy

Why subject another person to being White House Press Secretary? We have the technology to program a robot to not answer questions.

“You’re not answering our questions; you’re just saying, ‘Kill all humans’ over and over.” #RoboPressSecretary

If Republicans are so anti-science, then how did they figure out how to reprogram Diebold machines to automatically give them votes?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.”

Often seems like the only thing the left learned from the civil rights movement is that some viewpoints should be banned from civil society.

The State Department should also issue travel warnings when there are terrific savings on vacations.

Something I still don’t understand about this missing airplane: How does a metal vehicle weighing a hundred tons fly in the first place?

Not saying it’s a conspiracy, but that doesn’t really make sense does it?

When traveling, my side of the bed is always the one closet to the door because I’m supposed to fend of intruders or something.

Don’t know if I’ll have the energy to sit through the Veronica Mars movie, but maybe smoothie my wife made will help (come on now, sugar).

She hasn’t talked to Logan in 9 years, but she has his name and picture on her smartphone for when he calls? #VeronicaMarsMovie

My wife has watched the show so many times, I just went and bought a digital copy of the Veronica Mars movie.

I assume they make a lot more money from that than from a couple movie tickets… If price structure anything like Kindle books.

Having completed the first season of the 2005 Dr. Who revival, I’m ready to call myself a Dr. Who fan.

I’d hate to be on the edge of death, questioning whether I said quite enough angry things about gay people.

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Random Thoughts: Koch Brothers, Reid, and Facts

Friday, March 14, 2014 9:00 am

Did Koch brothers cause Obamacare to be a an epic failure, or is that just because the Dems are useless screwups who shouldn’t have power?

Amazon got me. I would pay $20 more a year from Prime service.

Just realized that Keanu Reeves first name is “Keanu.” What kind of name is that? Na’vi?

“And it’s through their manipulation that–”
“Senator Reid, you’re not wearing pants.”
*looks down, then shakes fist in air
“KOCH BROTHERS!”

Have people in failing inner cities thought of voting for Democrats?

The Pew Research Center isn’t working on the development of laser guns?

100 years from now when people read that 90+% of blacks voted for the election/reelection of Obama, who will that reflect poorly on?

I forget — has it been proven Harry Reid is a pedophile or does he just really really look like one?

Considering how many thousands of planes are in the air every day, airlines lose track of relatively few.

We should change the national slogan to “You don’t have a right to other people’s money.” and put that on the dollar bill.

Democrats could ride this Darrell Issa thing all the way to victory in November.

“Republicans are nutbag, racist extremists! Let’s make the government they’re often in charge of more powerful!” -the left

Lot of wasted energy getting people to hate some politicians and like others when it would be more efficient to convince people to hate them all.

Grover Cleveland was a black belt in kung fu. #TweetAnUberFact

According to the Bible, Noah invented the headbutt and used it to keep the animals in line. #TweetAnUberFact

Snakes move using magnets. #TweetAnUberFact

A grizzly bear is incapable of getting out of a full nelson. #TweetAnUberFact

Indians only used every part of the buffalo if you count “grossing out girls” as a use. #TweetAnUberFact

The chihuahua is more closely related to lizards than to other dogs. #TweetAnUberFact

Canned food was invented 20yrs before the can opener; everyone complained about the jerk sealing food in impenetrable cans. #TweetAnUberFact

Scientists voted to make Pluto no longer a planet when it tried to challenge them on global warming. #TweetAnUberFact

Though most people think Obama was born in Kenya, he was in fact from his mother’s womb untimely ripped. #TweetAnUberFact

Jimmy Carter once had to lock himself in a room and call 911 when attacked by a 20 pound cat. #TweetAnUberFact

Though fiction has portrayed them as mortal enemies, in real life ninjas and pirates teamed up to fight vikings. #TweetAnUberFact

It’s very inaccurate to fire two handguns at the same time unless diving through the air. #TweetAnUberFact

Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. #TweetAnUberFact

Scientist have in fact determined that Frank J. Fleming is the sexiest man alive. Especially lady scientists. #TweetAnUberFact

Pirates did not say “Arr!” In fact, the letter ‘r’ was not invented until after the end of the Golden Age of Piracy. #TweetAnUberFact

Russia was never Communist; that was simply a vicious rumor started against them by Senator Jenny McCarthy, #TweetAnUberFact

The peanut is not a true nut. In fact, nothing is a true nut. ‘Nut’ is simply an ideal some foods strive for. #TweetAnUberFact

Before George W. Bush, the last U.S. president to actively try to take over the world was James K. Polk. #TweetAnUberFact

The dean’s rap at the beginning of last night’s Community was one of the funniest things ever.

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Random Thoughts: Climate Change, Shelia Jackson Lee, and Wedlock

Thursday, March 13, 2014 9:03 am

A good way for Obama to shake the lame duck image would be to start nuking things.

It’s climate change, not global warming. It can change in other ways than getting hotter like getting colder or transforming into a werewolf.

So are we to assume Obama was unable to get any current boy bands to come visit him?

I wish in Legend of Zelda you could fill an empty bottle with espresso so you could get a hyperlink.

So have Republicans developed strategies to deal with the popularity and success of Obamacare in the midterms?

Have some sympathy; if you felt it was your job to prop up Obama, you’d be very angry all the time too.

“I really like freedom. But I also really like telling other people what to do.” -most everyone

So far Obamacare has gone about as well as you can expect for a bill made by arrogant idiots who have no idea how money works.

As a historian, I’m pretty sure Lincoln would have killed Zach Galifianakis with an axe and then guzzled some Everclear.

Seems like more shame should be directed at the voters for these moron Reps who inexplicably keep returning to Congress.

Maybe Sheila Jackson Lee needs to go to Vox and have the news explained to her.

80 million years ago, the Constitution was written after America defeated the Persians in Sparta.

Those of us who don’t like government are angry because it keeps getting bigger but the people who like government seem even angrier.

I guess the way to not be angry is to be one of those people who think the current Vice President is Dick Cheney.

I once heard of a story of a person who wasn’t sure what party Obama belonged. God bless him.

Everything is a racist codeword if you’re a moron.

Out of curiosity, what is Putin’s stated opinion on Joseph Stalin?

Maybe it would help stop people from having kids out of wedlock if we stopped using such scary-sounding terms for marriage like “wedlock.”

How about a Logan’s Run type thing, but for politicians who have spent a certain number of terms in Congress.

Don’t end up like me, stuck in wedlock and punished with babies.

“Far East” is offensive. I was unaware.

There’s so much offensive stuff to keep track everyone should stop assuming people know what’s offensive or not.

Where do I get the codebook to find out what hidden racist messages Republicans have for me?

God made sure the T. rex had tiny arms because if it had normal-size arms it would still be around today and it would be unstoppable.

The younger generation doesn’t appreciate parties as much as they didn’t have to fight for their right to party.

Apparently there is a very high burnout rate for playing Dr. Who.

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Random Thoughts: Spying, Science and Religion, and Hangover President

Wednesday, March 12, 2014 9:00 am

If it’s too silly a name for your hamster, it will make a good rapper name.

An anagram for “Koch Brothers” is “Emmanuel Goldstein.”

This cat makes the same sound as Donald Rumsfeld.

Politicians should be constantly spied on. With the power they have, nothing about them should be private.

I still have hope for our nation, but I doubt things will get better until “Ben Affleck as Batman” is our past and not our future.

“Hey, kids, know what’s groovy? Propping up your failed, power-hungry president!”

So an interview with President Obama only led to 19,000 clicks for Obamacare site? Should have just tried to get an Instalanche.

People who put science in opposition to religion have little understanding of the scope of either.

Science is not a replacement for religion. You’ll find plenty of answers in science, but it’s a silly place to look for purpose and meaning.

If Obama was teaming up with Zach Galifianakis, they should have done a Hangover-type sketch to explain how the Obamacare bill got made.

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Random Thoughts: Fracking, Ban Bossy, and Dr. Who

Tuesday, March 11, 2014 8:44 am

What if fracking causes California to break off the continent and float out into the sea? Seems worth a try.

I tend to fall asleep sometime before midnight on New Years and then wake up grabbing people and screaming, “What year is it?!”

If you haven’t hired Edward James Olmos to be your spokesman on fracking, you obviously don’t truly care much about the issue.

1st step for a Rand Paul presidential run would be for him to put his father in a retirement home with lots of activities to keep him busy.

It’s not enough to donate millions of your own money; you have to be for confiscating other people’s money.

BAN ALL THE THINGS!!! #BanBossy

If we ban the word bossy, then I’m stuck calling assertive women “uppity.” #BanBossy

For pete’s sake, haven’t we all heard enough about Lena Dunham for one lifetime?

Isn’t it much more empowering to say you can succeed focusing on yourself instead of focusing on the behavior of others?

What are the odds that feminists don’t consider our jokes about #BanBossy to be funny?

My 3yo daughter is getting kinda bossy. Should I encourage her leadership skills or take away her Hello Kitty doll? #BanBossy

Got to my first Dr. Who episode with the famous Dalecs in it. “Eliminate! Eliminate!”

I do like how in this newer Dr. Who how they’re doing their best with creature designs originally made in the 60s on a shoe-string budget.

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Random Thoughts: CPAC, Frank J. 2016, and Cosmos

Monday, March 10, 2014 9:00 am

BREAKING: For the first time in CPAC history, the winner of the Straw Poll was “curly.”

Why hasn’t an atheist opened up a Chick-fil-A competitor that is only open on Sunday in defiance of God and all His creation?

The difference between Biden and Obama is that Biden’s stupidity is mostly harmless.

It’s okay for races other than Caucasian to have diverse political opinions. You shouldn’t freak out when you see a black Republican.

Brick and mortar jerk stores have been failing because of the easy availability of jerks online.

As a programmer/digital circuit designers, I can say that the most difficult thing in the tech world is plugging in a USB cable first try.

A reminder for CPAC: I will be old enough to be president later this year.

If elected president, I promise to play video games all day while letting everyone solve their own damn problems.

“You don’t bother me, I won’t bother you,” will be my entire inauguration speech and the last speech I give. #FrankJ2016

I will consider myself a success if by the end of my term half of Americans can’t name who the president is. #FrankJ2016

“No matter what the conditions are in the country, I get paid the same. Figure it out yourself.” #FrankJ2016

Finished House of Cards. Pretty curious where they’re going to with things in a 3rd season.

“Want to hatefully denounce everyone who disagrees with you as bigots? Are you smug and immune to irony? Maybe Democrats are right for you.”

I’ll acknowledge that Sarah Palin is unbelievably stupid if you at least admit she’s smarter and more experienced than the current president

Ron Paul had a way of delivering his message to make it very popular among a very fringe group. Will be interesting to see how Rand does.

In reality, the only way to get someone like Ron Swanson in government would be against his will.

Can’t believe we get one less hour this weekend. Wouldn’t it be better to set clocks forward in the middle of the workday on a Friday?

If Charles Dickens was such a great writer, then how come it was someone else who wrote the screenplay for The Terminator?

3yo daughter Sunday morning: “See I’m yawning? That means I’m tired.” Hey, don’t blame me; blame the government.

“We need to tell the government, ‘No no no. Don’t change the time!’” Preach it!

The voices in my head keep telling me I’m insane and a danger to society. Why do they lie? I swear I’ll hurt people until they stop lying!

Just realized I never set up voicemail on my iPhone I’ve had for a few months now. Oops.

I no understand news! Who is Barraco Barner? Is there internet page for me?

Yglesias’s suit looks like what someone in 2014 would wear as envisioned in 80s scifi.

The depiction of our asteroid belt on Cosmos was scientifically inaccurate; should I not listen to the rest of the show?

So, True Detective… worth watching?

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Random Thoughts: CPAC, War on Women, and Colbert

Friday, March 7, 2014 9:00 am

So when do I teach my kids about strangers and land sharks?

The only reason I’m humble is that I’m so awesome that it takes way too long to explain exactly how great I am.

One of these days I’ll make it to CPAC. Don’t bother going until then.

I am told the trailer for the new Transformers movie is worth watching. I am incredulous.

In the War on Women I’ve been accused of sleeping with the enemy.

I thought we ended the War on Women with the Great Sammich Compromise of ’83?

If you bump into the president and say, “Pardon me.” and he nods, are you now pardoned for all your crimes?

I understand why people find Stephen Colbert funny, but I’ve always found him insufferable myself.

I hope no one finds out I made Bitcoin.

To Whom It May Concern: Those strong feelings you have aren’t actually outrage; it’s partisanship.

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Random Thoughts: Billionaire, Robocalls, and SATs

Thursday, March 6, 2014 9:00 am

If he defended a cop killer, think of how well he’d defend you who probably haven’t killed a cop.

Writing is a lossy compression which allows you to transfer your ideas to others.

The most money I’d ever want is $999,999,999 because people really start to resent you when you’re a billionaire.

I’d kinda like an island, though. Where I can hunt man.

Apparently information isn’t destroyed in a black hole and will eventually be released. Still, I’d backup on DropBox.

Robocalls would be awesome if they were actually robots calling you… unless it was a Roomba because then it would just be vacuum noises.

*phone rings*
“Hello?”
“Kill all humans!”
“Gah! Not another robocall!”

My SAT score was really important for a much smaller amount of time than I imagined.

I took the SATs back before they added the essay question since women can’t do math.

I won’t tell you my SAT score, but just guess what it would be. Nope, higher than that. Nope higher. Okay, too high; go down a little. Boom.

The key to a good SAT was taking those Princeton practice tests over and over. Don’t know if that changed.

Never quite understood what the ACT is. Luckily that wasn’t an SAT question.

We could making harder for a woman to become president by adding a math section to presidential debates.

With all these delays and website failures, is it even disputable that Obamacare was made by idiots who had no idea what they were doing?

I will proudly tell my grandchildren I was against the first black president being a useless nitwit.

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Random Thoughts: Side of History, Rights, and Alan Grayson

Wednesday, March 5, 2014 9:00 am

Let’s not focus on who is on the right or wrong side of history; at the end of the day, we all get participation trophies.

I knew if I just kept wearing dull, uninspired clothes, eventually I’d be trendy. #Normcore

“If you really like something and think you need it, you have a right to it.” -too many people

All I ask is that voting taking at least a marginal amount of effort so as to disenfranchise the exceptionally lazy.

The Democrats should do their own version of Scooby Doo where when they pull the mask off the monster, it’s always the Koch brothers.

“Old man Koch was scaring people away from government reliance!”
“Would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling Dems!”

Do you think Hillary is going to run on how she’d tried to stop the Russian with a fake, plastic button?

Has the left considered sitting around in front of banks and yelling to no particular purpose?

Haven’t seen any of True Detective. Can’t get over how generic-sounding the name is.

“Booooosh!!! I mean… Kooooooch!”

So, does anyone have an idea what this is about? Because, sorry, no, it’s not real.

So what indication was there that Alan Grayson is an unstable nutbag other than everything?

I’d like to watch some HBO shows, but I’m not willing to pay $100 a month for it and get a cable subscription again.

“Alan Grayson, when did you stop beating your wife?”
“Trick question! I never stopped beating her!”

Don’t put the door to your safe room right next to the door of your unsafe room because you can mix those up in a panic.

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Random Thoughts: Musicians, Keurig, and the Wrong Side of History

Tuesday, March 4, 2014 9:00 am

You really have to lower yourself to a special stupidity at this point to contend that Obama is anything other than a big dud.

If you are actually a good singer or musician, you shouldn’t have to wear funny clothes to get noticed.

If we had another world war, how do you think we’d do?

I’d have almost no motivation to watch an event like the Super Bowl or Oscars live if it weren’t for not wanting to be behind on Twitter.

It’s always flattering to have your ideas stolen.

Instead of having each Oscar winner thank God for all of His glorious creation, they could just start with a prayer.

It wasn’t because I grew up that I stopped being a Toys “R” Us kid; I just got really into video games and they were cheaper elsewhere.

#WrongSideOfHistory Clamshell packaging.

#WrongSideOfHistory Nickelback

What if terrorists only photobombed infidels?

History doesn’t have sides — just has lists of mistakes we think we learned from while we repeat them in new and innovative ways.

That USSR cartoon is pretty creepy. Afraid I’ll get a phone call saying, “Seven days” after watching it.

“I’m writing a history book right now, and you don’t want to see the bad things I’m saying about you.” #WrongSideOfHistory

People who voted for Obama. #WrongSideOfHistory

People who are really sure how history will turn out. #WrongSideOfHistory

People who put walnuts in brownies. #WrongSideOfHistory

“Watch it, bub; don’t get on my wrong side.” -History

Never got the popularity of Keurig. Seems expensive and any time I’ve tried it the coffee is weak.

I’m not saying Romney and Palin aren’t dumb, just that everyone on the left is much dumber.

So if we walk into a business and are refused service, do we just point a gun at him there or do we call in the government to do that?

This is kinda cool. You can pretend to be Samuel L. Jackson!

“I Was On the Right Side of History and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”

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Random Thoughts: Guns, Reset, and Oscars

Monday, March 3, 2014 9:00 am

Wow! Guns allowed somewhere in America for the first time ever! Panic!

If college students are too dumb to have guns, probably also shouldn’t have given them the decision power to go $100,000 into debt.

I’m going to pretend I like individual freedom until my Koch brothers money runs out.

A third Bush president? Shouldn’t these sequels be going direct to DVD by now?

I know Hillary gave the Russians a reset button, but did she make sure they actually pushed it?

I think Obama is learning. By the end of his presidency, he’ll have gone from less than useless to achieving parity with uselessness.

I like words. They’re fun.

In America, we love rooting for the underdogs, so maybe a gigantic decline in our nation is just what we need to believe in ourselves again.

Don’t know if Romney would have been a good president, but it’s obvious to anyone with any sense he’d be a way better one.

12 Years a Slave doesn’t sound fun to watch and I’m already pretty firmly against slavery and don’t need further convincing.

Not that it’s relevant again, but where were we with our Star Wars defense technology?

This is like Rocky IV, but instead of Rocky facing Ivan Drago, it’s Paulie.

I’m glad we’re allowed to criticize the president in this country because otherwise I wouldn’t know what to do with half my day.

Already bought Resident Evil 4 for both Gamecube and Wii and played to death on both. Still tempted to buy new HD version for PC.

Not sure what my top 5 games are, but Resident Evil 4 is definitely on that list. Not sure why Capcom didn’t just copy it for the sequels.

Been a while since I’ve worn a wristwatch, so I forgot how I like to quickly pull it back and forward like I’m cocking an arm cannon.

“Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar?”
“I say..”
*lowers shades*
“..render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.”
*Pharisees start breakdancing*

I’ve once again not seen any of the movies nominated for best picture or for any of the acting categories.

I thought I saw a decent number of new releases last year, but I just saw, you know, fun movies.

Do want to see Gravity, though; just haven’t gotten around to it.

The Oscars really humanizes Hollywood since you feel so embarrassed for the presenters.

Visual Effects: The one award where people at home have seen most of the nominees.

The shorts categories are so even the people in Hollywood will know what it’s like to have seen none of the nominees.

Haven’t seen any of the movies nominated for best picture, but I do want to see two of them… but not like buy a movie ticket want.

Hollywood thinks it’s cute when black people believe in God, but threatening when white people do.

I thought his last name was Bono and his first name was Sonny, but I didn’t pay very good attention in history class.

When will medical science figure out what happened to M. Night Shyamalan? Seems like he had a quickly progressing version of Lucas disease.

My wife has been pausing the Oscars, so I’m a bit off live. Anyway, little surprised Argo won best picture.

Ellen DeGeneres is going to be blackballed from winning an Oscar after this.

Cinematography? “Ooh, I can hold a camera and point it at things!” Whatever; shut up.

When Hollywood gets all smug, remember it’s the last place in America left where they can put out jobs that are “Blacks need not apply.”

I’ve never seen such a collection of awful people in one place since… well, I guess the State of the Union. #Oscars

“Let It Go” is good advice for anyone still trying to prop up the Obama presidency.

If Sandra Bullock doesn’t win for best actress, they should at least let her float around in the background during the acceptance speech.

My problem with 12 Years a Slave is shouldn’t there be a spoiling warning for the title?

You can be emotionally stable and a writer. It’s not worth the effort, though.

I wish it was Jason Bateman announcing that “Her” won.

Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t like Gravity.

God was just about to go Sodom and Gomorrah on the Academy Awards, but Matthew McConaughey made Him stay His hand.

Scientists estimate we’ll spend one year of our lives watching the opening sequence to House of Cards.

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Random Thoughts: Freedom, Global Warming, and Hitler

Friday, February 28, 2014 9:00 am

A lot of people are invested in showing freedom doesn’t work. Just wish there weren’t so many in the U.S. and they didn’t hold such power.

I’d be happy with more isolationist policies if it meant we could lose diplomacy and tell other countries exactly what we think of them.

I don’t think I could be president and shake hands with Chinese leaders when in a more just world they would be hanging from a tree.

Don’t even get me started on most “leaders” in the Middle East.

Remember when our enemies used to be Commies and Nazis and now it’s sugar and things maybe getting hotter? Country needs a reboot.

Global warming is raping people now? Holy crap.

Does that work as a rape defense? “It wasn’t my fault; it’s because it was 2 degrees hotter than average.”

Here’s the study about global warming and rape. It’s scientific, so only 98% chance it’s utter nonsense.

So are there like two types of atheists? One where it’s a philosophy and one where it’s a mental tic?

So are the Koch brothers a real thing or just the name the left has given the screeching demons inside their heads?

“We need Joe Scarborough in 2016!” -Joe Scarborough

How do Republicans plan to respond to Democrats running in 2014 on Obamacare and the economic success of six years of the Obama presidency?

The Oscars could get more viewership if they had categories like, “Best Performance by an Actor in a Movie People Actually Saw.”

A main problem of government is little to no punishment for failure. Why was no one executed for the $800 bil stimulus that did nothing?

“I am figuratively on fire today!” -Joe Biden after setting his hair plugs on fire with his Easy Bake Oven

Are people really going to argue that Hitler was for free markets? The guy wasn’t for free anything.

Yes, the left, the awful people of last century shared your desire to control through government. You have better intentions, I’m sure.

What are they going to argue next? Hitler tried to kill the Jews by giving them carry permits so they’d accidentally shoot each other?

Hitler was a big proponent of small government?

You can’t be for bigger government and against fascism. Government only gets bigger by controlling more of people’s lives.

This is obvious. It should not be arguable.

Other than the murdering, Frank Underwood seems pretty reasonable for a Democrat. Actually, even with the murdering.

Thought the Community episode last night was mediocre — but classic Community-level of mediocre, so still hilarious and awesome.

You never made a typo in a tweet? Hitler.

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Random Thoughts: Oppressors, Coffee, and Atheists

Thursday, February 27, 2014 9:00 am

In a free country, there should be a stigma as bad as racism for people who try to use government force to solve every problem.

Last year Downton Abbey season finale was nothing happening for hour and a half and then boom. This one was just nothing happening.

Hit Bowser with a bunch of fireballs but he was just a goomba in disguise. #FirstWorldProblems

Flavored coffee? I thought coffee was a flavor.

Did police ever figure out who the Rumsfeld Strangler was?

We can’t have a free society unless we can force people to bake cakes.

Good rule of thumb on figuring out who is the oppressor: Look for who is using government force to make someone else do something.

A hundred years from now, people will look back on those who fought for gay marriage and say, “What a bunch of smug a-holes.”

You get the same nicotine fix from a vapor cigarette, but does it make you look as cool as you do smoking a real cigarette?

Anything you do is okay if you’re really really sure history will vindicate you.

“If you like your poison-free water supply, you can keep it! HAHAHAHAHA!” -Obama as a Batman villain

Ooh. I have a free Starbucks drink. What insane concoction shall I come up with?

I mean, I usually just get black coffee at Starbucks, or if I’m feeling exotic, an Americano, but seems a waste to use free drink on that.

BTW, Starbucks needs a place to report baristas who give you Pike’s Place when you clearly asked for the dark roast.

Why doesn’t Starbucks keep dark roast coffee brewed all day long? Who are these people who actually like Pike’s Place?

Bigots who didn’t want black people in their neighborhood would’ve seemed less awful if they came up with a fancy term like “gentrification.”

Harry Reid saying something stupid is too expected to register on my outrage meter. He once claimed taxes were voluntary.

The upper class’s attitude toward servants in Downton Abbey is a good example we should emulate for our attitude toward politicians.

“You won’t bake me a cake so I’m going to come back with the government and its guns to shut down your bakery.” -oppressed person

Religious objections to gay marriage aren’t going to go away and you will need to learn to live with them.

I don’t want my kids to be bullied; how hard is it to teach them to be the bullies?

I wish I got as much joy out of anything as my nine month old son does out of everything.

What about the people denied the right of marriage because no one likes them?

The reason atheists need to proselytize is so people will go to the good oblivion and not the bad oblivion reserved for religious people.

“I think everyone who believe in Jesus is an idiot and that Jesus would condemn everyone I don’t like.” -lots and lots of people, apparently

Legally, do we distinguish between “religious beliefs” and “beliefs”? Because, practically, I don’t think there is one.

The one thing I don’t get about the movie The Usual Suspects is how that detective didn’t recognize the vice president.

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