If President Obama were a character from Arrested Development, he’d be Gob Bluth.

George Strait’s name makes it seem like he’s really over compensating for something.

Are we absolutely certain a rhinoceros is not some sort of mammal/dinosaur hybrid?

Mitt Romney is like a human-colored Charlie Crist.

“Grapes are great, but can we make them weird and shriveled and ruin cookies with them, because I hate kids.” -guy who invented raisins

I don’t think I’d do well at a job where I couldn’t always have a coffee mug in one hand.

I just realized what they called Snow White in Snow White. Did they just call her Snow White the whole time or did she have a shorter name? Is her first name “Snow” and her last name “White”?

I’m reading Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People
.” To persuade others, you have to be respectful to everyone. Bleh. I mean, you have genuinely respect the other person’s viewpoint. Of course, this was written long before the internet existed.

Also, Dale Carnegie probably didn’t deal with my situation where I’m so smart and everyone else is so dumb.

And, frankly, I don’t think influencing others is worth the cost of being nice to idiots.

I know I should be offended when I request a hug and Buttercup shouts, “No!” and runs away, but it’s so cute.

How can you be against the government wasting money when you personally waste money by donating to the Ron Paul campaign?

If we ever end up at war with China, how will that affect the release of the next gen iPad?

Love the PCMatic ad with the woman in her “State” sweatshirt. Only way it would be better is if it said “College”.

Jimmy cracked corn and I cannot overstate my concern.

When using an oven, I’m always briefly confused that the timer is hours:minutes and not minutes:seconds.

I’m excited for the new Incredible Hulk tv series, “Smash”.

If Batman didn’t exist we’d have to invent him.

Weirdos would be a lot harder to identify if there was no such thing as pet ferrets.

Just watched the Chuck finale. Awesome end to a great series.

Could the star of Sherlock have anymore of a British name? “Benedict Cumberbatch”.

I’m okay with people saying Romney is the only viable choice. I just get angry if they act like he’s not a crappy choice.

It should be illegal to use the term “fair share” without some concrete definition of it. Sentence for this crime: punch to face.

“Fair share” will never be defined as far as taxation. It’s not a policy. It’s just a whine.

So are we serious on this debt thing, or is that just a partisan attack we’ll forget when we have a Republican president?

When you compare charitable givings, aren’t the left way more greedy than the right?

It would seem like extreme hypocrisy when someone like Biden who gives $369 a year to charity complains about greed in others.

Maybe the press doesn’t find hypocrisy very interesting.

I guess the left are for more taxation because, knowing themselves, they can’t imagine voluntarily giving up money to help others.

Is there anything more miserable than really wanting grated cheese on your meal but then being unable to find a clean cheese grater?

We’re used to Ann Coulter being outrageous, but mindless shill for a moderate is at least a new kind of outrageous.

If a candidate’s tax returns reveal he didn’t do everything he could to avoid paying taxes, he should be tossed out of the race as a moron.

So the left are really going to argue that Romney sending $6.2 million of his money to Washington to die was too little?

Is Obama’s big plan to get the economy moving that the rich should pay more taxes? Can someone explain how that helps things?

The incumbent is the least serious of the candidates.

I’ve seen none of the movies that were nominated for best picture or had a best actor nomination.

So will the Rand Paul incident and the White House defense of the TSA allow us to portray Obama as the president of junk touching?

Hate how women lie. I once dated one claiming to be a supermodel, but she was just a regular model. Being in Victoria Secret’s catalog doesn’t by itself make you super!

Money that goes to the morons in DC is dead money; it will no longer help anyone. We want a better economy, then we need less money stuck in DC.

Someone talking higher taxes right now it not a serious person.

“They held a SOTU watch party. It was a murder suicide.”

So what does Intrade say are the odds Obama will break down crying halfway through the SOTU and admit he has no idea what he’s doing?

Wow. A rich Democrat is going to go on TV and whine about “fairness.” How innovative.

“We’ve tried some of the same and it didn’t work. That means we need even more of the same!”

Obama is quite rich. Can you name one thing of any use to anybody he ever did to earn that money?

If Obama wants to point out the flaws in our economic system, he should point out the fact that someone like him is wealthy as an example.

Obama should hold himself up as the ultimate example of unfairness. “If some as useless as me is rich, obviously the system is rigged.”

Do you think there will be whining about fairness in the SOTU? I think the key to fixing the economy is more whining about fairness.

Why work hard to better your own finances when you can whine about how much someone else has?

If I were only old enough to be president, I’d totally ride to the rescue right now.

I hope Newt flames out again because I have a great headline for when he does: “Moot Gingrich”

Buttercup’s response to “Can you give your daddy a big hug?”: “NO!” I’m not paying for her college.

Ends up “pot holder” is not a fancy name for a bong.

I hope all the moderators for the debates have practiced debating against a Newt stand in.

Gah! For some reason DVR did not record Friday’s Chuck and not available on Hulu or Amazon or iTunes and the series finale is this Friday! Guess I may have to venture into the world of illegal downloads. Luckily SOPA wasn’t passed or I could be killed with a hellfire missile.

Newt: “I trained them all on lobbying so they’d know exactly what lobbying was so they could identify what they shouldn’t be doing.”

Romney does not seem comfortable on the attack. Now imagining Romney trying to attack Obama… I’m souring more on him.

Just checked Intrade. After the Fred Thompson endorsement, Gingrich’s chances have jumped to 105%.

We need to send in Sam Fisher to Cuba and he’ll fix things up.

Ron Paul would not be able to respond to crises because he’d be too busy yelling at White House tourists to get off his lawn.

Oil spills should only happen far away in third world countries so stupid poor people have to deal with them.

We should give guns to murderers to encourage self-execution. No wait. That’s a bad idea. That could backfire. Maybe that’s what Fast & Furious was all about.

Self deportation is the only option if deporting people is yet another one of those jobs Americans won’t do.

How much do you think they’d charge per hour to deport themselves?

Obama’s biggest reelection challenge is that he’s not very good at being president and everyone knows it.

I guess I’m honored that Newsweek picked what I said as one of the top tweets making fun of them.

Drinking coffee from a glass mug just seems wrong. Coffee should only be seen from the top.

“Are you a TRY-angle or a GIVE UP-angle?” -part of my motivational speech to geometric shapes

Just realized I have no idea what state Newt was a representative of. Did he represent it well?

Like would you say, “If I were to come up with a human personification of that state, Newt would be it.” Hard to imagine a state like that.

Gingrich up to 28% of winning the nomination on Intrade. Did we forget why we soured on him the first two times?

Why did we sour on him the first two times?

Newt thinks he can win the presidency, and he seems pretty smart. Sometimes.

If there’s one lesson we can learn from the presidential campaign is that it’s much healthier to not to take this all so seriously.

Newt vs. Obama does like a strategic blunder, but it could also be the most awesome campaign battle of my lifetime.

It’s not enough to beat Obama. We need to beat him with someone the left really hates.

For Newt’s big speeches, he should have a moderator asking him questions so he can yell at him.

So how long does Newt have to implode and regain momentum before the Florida primary?

So basically the GOP is taking their 2012 strategy from Thelma and Louise.

When you imagine how apoplectic the left will be if Newt actually beats Obama, it’s almost worth the risk.

Romney is electable. Problem is that’s all he is. An election is a means, not an end.

Love how because of the polar bears, Buttercup loudly shouts, “Rarr!” whenever she sees a Coke can.

Morgan Freeman saying “epic” just seems wrong.

The Keystone pipeline would make greens unhappy, and can you put a price tag on happiness? If you did, it’s apparently billions of dollars

“I have invented colorful dough that kids can mold into shapes. I shall name it after myself.” -Plato

Nominating Newt is one of those plans you’d suffix with “It’s so crazy, it just might work!”

2nd look at Newt! (or are we up to 3rd now?)

I have no idea whether Newt would be a good or bad president, but I’m absolutely certain he’d be a hilarious one.

If you don’t care so much about winning as you do making sure the election season is crazy awesome, Newt is the way to go.

Mitt or Newt? Do we choose to die of boredom or in a massive explosion?

Newt 2012: “Hug the grizzly bear and hope for the best.”

“Newtonium is a powerful, unstable element that could easily kill us all when handled.”
“I only heard ‘powerful’.”

We Republicans set our expectations way too high by having any.

I know this slate of candidates looks bad, but I’m political satirist, so all I see is a secure financial future. If we can somehow get Newt to be president, that alone should propel me into the 1%.

Today is the day I finally teach Buttercup to say, “Arrr!” like a pirate.

The Republican primary reminds of that year with American Idol where Sanjaya kept sticking around while actual good singers were voted off.

I WATCH AMERICAN IDOL WITH MY WIFE BECAUSE I’M A GOOD HUSBAND!!!

If you’ve designed a government that relies on good competent people to run it, you’ve designed a government to fail.

Romney: “Let me just talk a lot until you tune out and assume I answered the charge.”

Why is Ron Paul still in debates? I know they usually go by polling on who should attend, but shouldn’t there be a nuttiness standard?

There’s nothing easier than coasting as a legislator. It’s not much by itself to run on.

The best way for someone as rich as Romney to get more sympathy is to bring into his home an adorable orphan.

Why do I care about Mitt Romney’s tax returns? Does he owe me something?

Ron Paul doesn’t take lobbyist money. He sticks to honest racist newsletter money.

In a better world, our income wouldn’t even be the government’s business.

Government works for us. We need to see its budget, not the other way around.

They’d hire 500,000 Americans if enough of them would work for $0.10 an hour.

We like outsourcing poverty.

I don’t like borders. I don’t like foreign countries touching us.

A Lincoln-Douglas debate is just like a regular debate but with stovepipe hats. In other words, a Lincoln-Douglas debate IS AWESOME!

Because of Sesame Streets’s The Count, our generation grew up not fearing vampires and thus the Twilight series happened.

What Mark Wahlberg said wan’t that ridiculous. He usually beats someone up every flight he’s on.

I don’t get the left freaking out over SOPA but not over other regulation. It’s like they only want to pretend to be free online.

Let’s just send Mark Wahlberg to Congress, shut the doors for a few hours, and then everything should be solved.

I’d much rather have annoying gun regulation to follow in Call of Duty than in real life.

“Sorry, you’re going to have to leave your gun. Your concealed carry permit isn’t valid for level 3.”

Romney: “I tried to release my tax returns, but Turbo Tax is too confusing. Timothy Geithner can back me up on this.”

Young Gingrich picture on Drudge looks like Dwight Schrute.

If I were Romney, I don’t know how I’d be able to stop myself from eventually yelling, “SHUT UP, YOU STUPID POOR PEOPLE!!!”

I only once accidentally tried to look something up on Wikipedia yesterday. It was a videogame.

Weird. On Chuck, Col. Casey (Adam Baldwin) said, “I have one mag left.” But close caption was, “I have one clip left.” Made us laugh. Maybe the actor had it right but the script had it wrong.

We watch all shows with close caption because we have a Buttercup. Wish Netflix had more shows with subtitle options.

Buttercup can count to two as long as you supply her the “one”.
“One.”
“TWO!!!”

Knowing stuff about guns can ruin movies. Sure, it looks cool to cock a 1911, but that should never happen in normal usage.

Ever try gently lowering the hammer on a 1911? Takes two hands because of the grip safety. Would never do it with a round in the chamber. But that’s what you would have to have done previously if you’re now cocking a 1911 to threaten someone.

Also remember a book where someone disengaged the safety on a 1911 and then chambered a round. A ridiculous sequence of events. I hope someone was fired for that one.

If Iowa can’t run a simple primary, maybe we should revoke their statehood.

“We don’t know who won ’cause pigs done ate the votes.”

Perry looked so good on paper but looked like such a bad idea in the debates.

Don’t urinate on a copy of the latest issue of Newsweek as it’s wrong to pee on corpses.

No Wikipedia today? I better look up those Firefly episode synopses now.

Turkey says if Perry doesn’t apologize for calling them Islamic terrorists they’ll suicide bomb him.

Hippies are protesting SOAP today.

So why are sites going dark today? To raise awareness? I hate awareness.

I remember when I was a kid and wasn’t aware of anything. That was awesome. Also got to spend all day playing Atari.