Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: Marijuana, Stalin, and NYTimes

Tuesday, August 19, 2014 9:18 am

Apparently the galleys went out for my new book. Not sure to whom. If you have one, you are of the lucky few.

I’ve never smoked marijuana, but I once smelled some at a Dave Matthews concert and then immediately I wanted to punch a cop.

Is the pope using his infallibility when he says, “Kill the bastards!”?

Maybe we could solve things if we are all just angrier about how we’re sure we’re right.

As Josef Stalin said, “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a hashtag.”

Josef Stalin never actually said anything like that death of millions quote often attributed to him. STOP SLANDERING JOSEF STALIN!

Wow, you can almost feel how painful it is for them to overcome their partisanship to have a modicum of integrity.

I’m guessing first draft ended with “Even so, he’s an icky Republican and we don’t like him. Ew.”

I’m writing a column. I haven’t done one in a while, which isn’t fair to all of you.

You all deserve to have my opinions. And I deserve to be paid for them.

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Random Thoughts: Ferguson, Rick Perry, and Magneto

Monday, August 18, 2014 9:20 am

I follow A LOT of conservatives. How am I missing all the angry racists who like black kids being shot?

It’s actually pretty scary how a hateful, racist right-winger lives in every left-winger’s head.

Maybe there’s a reason the Ferguson police department waited so long to put out information, but it doesn’t seem like that was very helpful.

There are two witnesses saying Michael Brown had his hands up while being shot. That he’s a robbery suspect doesn’t put an end to this.

And even if it ends up being a textbook shooting, there are now other issues at play here with the police response afterward.

Why are libertarians silent on how big government is?

Why aren’t vegans saying anything about how they are vegans?

Why won’t Al Sharpton ever bring up the issue of race?

Why has John Kerry never mentioned he served in Vietnam?

Why don’t the Democrats ever bring up the Koch brothers?

Why is Hamas never saying anything about Israel?

If you think science is an alternative to religion, you’re pretty ignorant about the scope of either.

I could never be a spy because I have an allergy to cyanide tablets.

You can indict politicians for abuse of power? Why aren’t they all in prison?

I mean, I do assume Perry is a crook. He is a politician.

This Perry indictment/crazed, drunken DA thing is a wee bit wacky.

So are Rob Ford and Lehmberg single? Because I have a crazy idea…

Dems hate Rick Perry because he’s a Republican governor of a state with high job growth. Everything else is justification after the fact

The left hate whoever’s a threat to their political power. Charges of racism, etc are just things they come up with after hate already there.

The left lack an ideology insofar they’re simply mired in silly tribalism.

All partisans are like that, but prominent with the left since they’ve been so defensive with a Dem in the presidency.

If Magneto’s power was magnetism, he could make metal fly to or away from him. What he has is magical metal controlling powers.

If you don’t #StandWithRickPerry, it’s probably because you’re falling down drunk.

I remain optimistic that white/black, left/right we can find a way to move forward together. It’s not really America without all of us.

Watching an old Dr. Who where the Doctor ends up in a parallel universe where all the doppelgängers lack facial hair.

I’m not comfortable with the police having as much firepower as I do.

People of all races need to learn to work together to preserve the patriarchy.

Thinking earplugs are rubber bullets is a mistake any excitable four-year-old could make.

The knockout game does sound like something racists made up. Is it a real thing?

Shakespeare is crap. No one actually talks like that.

I don’t care what horrible things white people have done in the past; it’s asking too much to expect them to take Al Sharpton seriously.

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Random Thoughts: Ferguson, Obama, and Iraq

Friday, August 15, 2014 9:00 am

Reminder: If you want the media’s help in holding your elected officials accountable, make sure they’re all Republican.

We need a militarized police to make sure everyone buys health insurance.

My twitter feed is primarily the right saying how awful police abuses are in Ferguson and the left saying the right are ignoring Ferguson.

You’ll never hear the right comment on things if you don’t actually know anyone on the right.

I don’t know why Pauline Kael got all that criticism; I don’t know anyone who voted for Nixon either. That was like a hundred years ago.

So has anyone in the media figured out how to blame the Ferguson on Republicans or are they still working on that?

Maybe the president is planning a short, honest speech. “I don’t really care about this.”

Anyone think of getting Obama a digital watch? Maybe he doesn’t know how to read an analog one and that’s why he’s always late.

This is big government. The whole point of big government is that it’s big and scary so you have to do what it says.

Liberty and distrust of big government is not just for white males.

I’m just happy when the president doesn’t make things worse.

I have to say, the Obama presidency has been very educational to a lot of different people in a lot of different ways.

The president is trying to lead by example. Everyone in Ferguson is supposed to drop everything and go golfing.

If you don’t hear the right talking about Ferguson, you really need to clean the epistemic closure out of your ears.

Progressive philosophy is forcefully take money and power from the people and throw it to the govt assuming only good people will catch it.

Will I ever stop feeling guilty about how in 2002 I went out and socialized on Friday nights instead of staying home watching Firefly?

Iraq has been consistently rated by US presidents as one of the top spots to invade.

“I promise that there will be no more boots-on-the-ground in Iraq. Wait… do uggs count?”

An important principle to always remember: The government only has the ability to give insofar as it has the ability to take.

Everyone in the police is out of control; CSIs are going to funerals and making quips about dead people they’re not even investigating.

The left’s belief that conservatives are motivated by racism is a religious tenet and thus there is no logically arguing against it.

There seems like a lot the left and the right can come together on about Ferguson. Maybe we should stop jabbing each other in the eye.

Eh. Probably not.

What’s happening in Ferguson is really making me question the wisdom of making a Robocop.

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Random Thoughts: Hate, Magnets, and Obama

Thursday, August 14, 2014 9:00 am

Can’t all races just come together and hate hipsters or something?

I’m really rooting for Obama to turn things around and become a good president these last two year. It’ll make a great story.

We really should reexamine the idea of letting the government have access to guns.

Let’s not politicize the upcoming election.

I made an unfolded hyperpyramid out of my highly illegal magnet toys.

I have to keep resisting the urge to swallow the tiny, powerful magnets.

Well, I’m not racist, so this sorta sounds like everyone else’s problem.

Thought way to check if mute is on in a conference call is to shout profanities at whoever is speaking, but I guess others do it differently.

Everything a police officer does on duty should be videotaped. And everything a legislator does 24/7.

These police officers seem to have as good a grasp of what’s legal as Obama does of what’s Constitutional.

If we give the government all the guns, money, and power and elect lots of progressives, everything will be okay.

“I want all the worst aspects of George W. Bush, but in a different color.” -2008 voters

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Random Thoughts: The Police, Smarts, and Tiny People

Wednesday, August 13, 2014 9:00 am

If we don’t militarize the police, it won’t be able to stop people from using the wrong light bulbs or selling really large sodas.

For the last five years the country has been run by a guy who thought Joe Biden was smart.

How about instead of using tax dollars to make bicycle paths, we use the money toward getting all those poor people cars.

If Obama were in the Senate at the time, he would have voted for the Iraq War. The guy is no profile in courage.

Are there any stats on how foreign policy crises affect the president’s golf score?

It’s violently ripping apart a tiny human; the reasons for opposition to abortion aren’t exactly a mystery.

You can argue the violent ripping apart of the tiny human is justified, but don’t pretend it’s hard to understand why people don’t like that.

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Random Thoughts: Divided Country, Wolverine, and Robin Williams

Tuesday, August 12, 2014 9:00 am

In the Far East, they don’t have just Chinatowns but whole China-cities.

All animals other than humans are atheists. And they’re constantly killing each other and pooping on things.

Unless the two sides are actively shooting each other, the country has been more divided than it is today.

Can you imagine a violent conflict between the right and left in this country? Hard to imagine that lasting longer than a weekend.

I mean the right has all the guns and most of the military. Just seems like if that civil war ever started, be a predetermined end.

“Hey, 1980s called, and–”
“Wait, the call is coming from inside the house! Get out of there before Ayatollah Khomeini gets you!”

The craziest thing about homeschooling his how insanely angry and fearful some people get about it.

Obama isn’t that bad of president as long as you’re not just comparing him American presidents.

Better name for Wolverine: Cat-Weed. Because he has retractable claws like a cat and can regenerate from massive damage like a weed. Cat-Weed.

I’m one of those who found it fashionable to rag on Robin Williams’ comedy as of late, but he was the definition of funny when I was a kid.

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Random Thoughts: Iraq, the 80s, and Nixon

Monday, August 11, 2014 9:00 am

So is this a third Iraq war? Kind of a small country for us to have this many wars with it.

Why do the ninja turtles look like the Hulk with a shell strapped to his back?

I grew up in the 80s. Despite nuclear threats from the Soviet Union, we felt safe and secure because we had Mr. T.

Someone needs to explain to Square Enix optimal game pricing for iOS.

Breaking Bad is not overrated. The only way to overrate it is to actively worship it.

Does it make me a neocon that I want our military to murder the crap out of ISIS?

So is aioli just hipster mayo?

Are people who would drink from urinals really the ones we want to protect from harm? And what’s chance of literacy?

I don’t like imagining world peace because it disturbs me imagining killing that many people.

The difference between Obama and Nixon is that Nixon was occasionally competent.

“Hey, Jake, do remember how your girlfriend was shot by police in Chinatown yesterday?”
*sighs* “No. I had forgotten that.”
“Okay. Good.”

How often does rioting lead to good things?

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Random Thoughts: Power, Hamas, and Obamacare

Friday, August 8, 2014 9:00 am

“Half of politicians are idiots. Give them all less money and power.” -the right
“Half of politicians are evil idiots. Give them all more money and power.” -the left

Al Qaeda has distanced itself from Amash’s belligerent victory speech.

Since Vox is targeted at partisan left-wingers who aren’t too bright and need news explained to them, is main competition The Daily Show?

Carter wants the US to recognize Hamas? Don’t we already recognize them as a terrorist group?

You really start to notice the narrative flaws in Frozen on the 18th viewing.

Obamacare has increased mental health coverage, which is mainly used by people in HR who have to deal with Obamacare.

“I guess that’s poetic justice,” Robert Frost said, a smoking .44 magnum in his hand as Scorpio lay dead where two roads diverged in a wood.

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Random Thoughts: Null

Wednesday, August 6, 2014 9:00 am

I have no random thoughts. Perhaps it’s happened as I always feared: I’ve ran out of clever things to say for good. Every day I always think, “That’s the last clever thing I’ll ever come up with.” and maybe now it’s finally come true. If so, it’s been a good run. Well, it’s been an okay run.

It’s been a run.

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Random Thoughts: Humor, Racial Appeals, and Ebola

Tuesday, August 5, 2014 9:00 am

Conservative humor isn’t funny because we’re always picking on weaker, oppressed groups like the president and the government.

I’m awfully clever. I should probably mention that in my bio so people know.

The Republican Party doesn’t win whites by making racial appeals as much as the Democrats lose whites by making racial appeals.

Whites have a bad history with racial appeals.

If racism were to suddenly disappear tomorrow, it’s not the Republican Party that would be hurt.

It’s my job as a journalist to afflict the comfortable, which is why I’m always getting thrown out of the La-Z-Boy showroom.

It’s not my job as a journalist to report the facts. Or at least, I don’t do that. I might not be a journalist.

Always be suspicious if anyone you meet in real life as there are no blue check marks there.

I want to be lectured about science and rationality by people who honestly thought Occupy Wall Street was going to amount to something.

If you were ever an enthusiastic Obama supporter, you’ve given up pretending you care about evidence.

Obama 2009: “I promise that not every one in this country will die from Ebola.” All of his promises have an expiration date.

iPhones make it so much easier/ironic to complain to the world about capitalism.

It’s time to admit that the right and left are each right about some things, and moderates are right about nothing and are just annoying.

If there were people in Texas launching thousands of rockets at Mexico, we’d probably put a stop to that.

Summer Bank Holiday? So in UK, don’t even bother trying to justify a holiday? They just go, “Banks are closed!”

What’s so hard about working at a bank that they need all these holidays? If you need to blow off some steam, just roll around in the money.

If you don’t feel 100% today, it’s probably Ebola.

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Random Thoughts: NES, Hamas, and Equality

Monday, August 4, 2014 9:00 am

I grew up much tougher than kids these days. Ever seen how hard old NES games were?

Maybe the left could win the debate if they cried racism more.

Do you think anyone ever went to the Supreme Court and was disappointed a bunch judges came out to the bench instead of The Supremes?

So here’s the thing I don’t get about the Israel situation: Is it just unreasonable to expect Hamas to not mindlessly fire rockets?

People on Israel’s side expect adult behavior from both. People on Palestinian side seem to expect adult behavior from only one.

Is the pro-Palestinian side racist against the Palestinians and don’t think they can be held to the same standard as Israelis?

Don’t mindlessly fire rockets at people. And if someone near you is, put a stop to that. Is that too much to ask of fellow human beings?

So can we men explain to the female Justices what they don’t understand — like apparently the concept of rights?

I’m a man, and I’m up for some major splainin’!

Trailer for the latest Christopher Nolan movie doesn’t make it look very fun… but I thought that for last 3 of his movies which I loved.

The trailers always make his movies look so self-serious like they’re going to be really boring dramas.

TRAVEL GUIDE: “If going to the East, go to either the easternmost part of the East or the western part of the East. But stay out of middle.”

In the U.S., we’re used to the people who want to kill us living very far away. In Israel, they’re a stones throw away throwing stones.

Is equality a religious concept? Doesn’t seem to have rational basis as evolution has no interest in making everyone equal.

Equality seems to rely a lot on the concept of the soul – an eternal part of us that is equal despite outward, superficial differences.

Since the left believe in science, is there good example of them abandoning a belief and joining with the right because science said so?

It has to be tough for Obama being the first president ever to have to deal with an opposition party.

Did we check if Hamas even knows how to cease fire?

I hope when the next Game of Thrones book comes out it starts with a “previously on” section that reminds me what I read 20 years ago.

My computer caught eBola.

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Random Thoughts: Impeachment, Parental Neglect, and Jesse Ventura

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 9:00 am

WH:”GOP not mentioning it, but discussing impeachment secretly. Saw some go into room that was for men only. Prolly to discuss impeachment.”

I believe we can get Hamas to agree to a ceasefire if they are all dead.

So basically all our parents would be arrested for neglect by today’s standards.

DSCC is sending out 2 mailers:
One to Dems: “GOP thinking of impeaching Obama!”
One to Republicans: “You should think of impeaching Obama.”

2008: “Hope and change!”
2014: “Maybe I can bait the Republicans into impeaching me to halt my cratering popularity.”

Did you know that Barack HUSSEIN Obama has never specifically promised to not murder all Americans?

Can’t another Navy SEAL punch Jesse Ventura in the face to make sure the story is true?

It’s nice how Hulu lets you choose which ad experience you prefer just like Zuul let the Ghostbusters choose their destroyer.

Did you know that the Germans have fifty words for “scowl” but no word for “happy”?

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Random Thoughts: Angry Feminists, Rathergate, and Hamas

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 9:00 am

I know I said before that this transgender stuff about having a “female mind” has to fly in the face of feminists.

Really feels like the left should have worked harder at coming up with a coherent story before yelling “bigot” at others.

I’d love to write a movie about Rathergate with the premise the documents were real, but would need to be a comedy and involve time travel.

Could we get Israel to agree to some sort of ceasefire where Hamas gets to keep firing rockets at them?

“Let’s push the sea into the Jews.” -innovative member of Hamas who’s trying to shift the paradigm and think outside the box

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Random Thoughts: Palestinians, Coffee, and Female Superheroes

Monday, July 28, 2014 9:00 am

Palestinian leaders are calling for a “day of rage.” Great idea. That’s the problem with the Middle East: not enough rage.

How about instead of a “day of rage” they do a “day of not stupid”?

Went to get coffee, but forgot to bring my coffee mug. That’s the sort of poor thinking that happens before you have coffee.

Did you know there are people who don’t drink coffee? They are the people who are tired and stupid all day long.

Hans Gruber wrote a lot of the Obamacare bill? Can’t say I’m surprised.

So has Hamas ever tried to coherently explain what they hope to achieve by launching rockets at Israel?

PHASE 1: Launch rockets at Israeli civilians
PHASE 2: ???
PHASE 3: Palestinian statehood!

My name was plagiarized from my dad’s name.

I guess I’m for female superheroes like Wonder Woman, but what if saving the world involves math?

My tip for modern, female superheroes: pants. If you’re going to save the world, wear some pants.

A lot of female superheroes dress like saving the world has a bathing suit competition.

Holy. Look at this giant, 3-star review of my book that I don’t even think once mentions my book (I only scanned it).

Just marvel at the insanity that thinking writing a giant rant about “tea-baggers” in a random Amazon review was a great use of time.

I guess I don’t know what it’s like to think you have something to say but no place to say it where it will be paid attention to.

Well, I guess I did when I first started a blog back in 2002. But it didn’t take long to find an audience because I’m awesome.

I always roll my eyes when Chief Sitting Bull tells a joke; they’re all so maizey.

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Random Thoughts: Scroll Lock, Reset, and Batman

Friday, July 25, 2014 9:00 am

So has any anthropologist been able to uncover what the Scroll Lock was ever used for?

When Hillary hit the reset button on Russia, did she check when we last saved?

You can look at a life sentence as a really really really long execution.

Why don’t we just ask the people on death row for good ways to kill people? They all have experience at it.

They should make Batman a woman. Not Batwoman — still called Batman but now a woman.

GOTHAM GAZETTE: “Batman now a woman! In unrelated news, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne now a woman but still called Bruce Wayne.”

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re being progressive or an idiot.

There are mean people on the internet! With this vast repository of knowledge at our fingertips, you’d think we’d all be happy all the time.

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Random Thoughts: Thomas the Tank Engine and Executions

Thursday, July 24, 2014 9:00 am

Do you know that when you make fun of Hamas, some people get angry about that? Never once got called out for ridiculing, Nickelback, though.

They’re going after Thomas the Tank Engine now? I actually like that show because it promotes the anti-hippie message of being “useful.”

“I can sympathize with you common people. The smallest of my houses probably isn’t much bigger than yours.”

“Everywhere I look, I think I see Charlie up in the trees. And I can no longer tell where I end and someone else’s writing begins.”

If states keep botching executions, people are going to be too scared to commit murder anymore.

Maybe Carnegie Hall is on Practice Street and all this time we thought people were joking they were giving clear directions.

So what if the execution took two hours? Who are all these sickos so desperate to see people dead they want us to be quick about it?

Pro Tip: There are a lot of good arguments against the death penalty, but none of them involve asking people to feel sympathy for murderers.

Can’t you just put a murderer in a sack and drown him in the river like you would unwanted cats?

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Random Thoughts: Halbig and Hamas

Wednesday, July 23, 2014 9:00 am

Democrats write horrible law, pass it, and it’s so badly written it gets torn apart in courts, yet somehow I know this is GOP’s fault.

Starting to wonder if there was a flaw to the plan to have a bunch of incompetents jam through a law that affects large portion of economy.

Remember: When you have the government do something big, you only have idiots and sociopaths at your disposal. No mythical smart people.

By far, the smartest thing in our government is our bombs.

If the court ruling makes you angry at anyone other than the idiots who wrote the law, you’re a rather useless person.

Does the 5 second rule apply to any beats you’ve dropped?

Has Hamas tried not launching rockets at Israel? I really think that could be a big part of the problem.

What does Obama need all these fundraisers for? “I can’t crappily jam together unworkable laws without your support.”

My Coke says I’m supposed to share it with “Bort.”

Got first pass of my book, and I’m supposed to mark with a colored pencil the errors and send back. Seems low-tech.

Actually, I can scan the pages I mark with colored pencil and email back, so there’s that.

Only found a few formatting mistakes. The words – written by me – are superb, though.

“We think you might have incriminating emails about targeting political opponents.”
“Whoops. Scratched my hard drive.”
“Seems legit.”

I looked it up, and hard drive scratches are actually pretty common… though mainly among people trying to destroy their hard drive.

Israel would like Hamas to not launch rockets at them and Hamas would like Israel to not have Jews. Hopefully they can work out a compromise.

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Random Thoughts: Obama, FOX News, and Robocop

Tuesday, July 22, 2014 9:00 am

Read through the 1st pass for the layout of my Punch Your Inner Hippie book. You guys are so lucky you’re going to get to read it.

We need like a leader of the free world.

Maybe if we were a better country Obama would be more interested in helping us.

Is “Money good” a mission or a vision statement?

People should be less angry at FOX News and more angry and the horribly biased left-wing news that spawned it from necessity.

Where do I go to protest if I don’t think enough of Hamas is being killed?

You watch the original Robocop movie, you think, “Wow. They were pretty optimistic about the future of Detroit.”

What corporation would buy Detroit now? Not even Yahoo would buy it.

If you’re wondering what president’s up to, I’m friends with him on Facebook and it’s just constant requests for more lives on Candy Crush.

I thought that Robocop joke had to have been done before, which is a sign of either a really good joke or that you stole it.

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Random Thoughts: Indie Fiction, Grammar, and Suffragettes

Monday, July 21, 2014 9:00 am

For clarity, indie fiction isn’t fiction about Indiana Jones. Don’t have the rights to him. Plus, property a bit damaged after fridge nuking.

I guess indie fiction is fiction by those who aren’t established authors. I guess I’m kinda an established author, but not in fiction.

If you’ve read my non-fiction books, basically everything is made up in those because I hate research, but still not technically fiction.

Superego will be my first fiction book (and first book from Liberty Island) — first book where I acknowledge everything is made up.

I always have fewer respect for anyone who uses improper grammar.

What if modern feminists could go back in time and tell suffragettes about the plight of having to pay for own $10 abortion pill.

If anyone else says humans use only 10% of their brains, Science! will hit you with a meteor.

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Random Thoughts: Girl-Thor, Ukraine, and Palestinians

Friday, July 18, 2014 9:00 am

Imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever. But that face has government-guaranteed health care. #ProgressiveUtopia

So how much will the new Thor get paid by the Avengers versus what they paid the previous one?

I’m a regular Houdini when it comes to Chinese finger traps.

“Anyone think Obama was a bit hyped in 2008? Not saying I regret my vote, but I’m pretty disappointed.” -Biden, probably

“Mr. President, a passenger plane was shot down over Ukraine.”
“That’s awful! Was anyone on it supposed to attend one of my fundraisers?”

To make things even more progressive, girl-Thor and black Captain America are going to gay marry each other.

Q. What do you call a zucchini that grows underwater?
A. Aquarium-cchini!

People understand big comic book change ups are temporary, right? The only thing more unstoppable in comics than Superman is status quo.

Remember when Dick Grayson was Batman for like two years? No. We already forgot that.

“We will successfully land a rocket on Israel and bring no one back alive.” -Palestinian JFK

We Americans aren’t as tough as we used to be, but still most kids can build basic wood cabin and survive for days in the wilds of Minecraft.

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