Obama’s statement on Reagan was interesting. “Ronald Reagan would support me in– AHH! A MYSTICAL FORCE JUST PUNCHED ME IN THE JUNK!”

The mere existence of stay at home moms is seen as a grave insult to some women.

I wonder what Sandra Fluke thinks about all this? I was going to ask her, but there was a sock on her door.

I’m not sure if the reason there are less stay at home moms now than in the past I’m is because we’re poorer or because we’re whinier.

Democrats: “You may not understand it because of your flighty, hormone-addled woman brains, but the GOP are waging a war on women.”

Half the people I know are named Hilary Rosen.

War on Women Update: Men raised their voices, women started crying, men unconditionally surrendered.

Jay Carney on North Korean missile launch: “Who are we talking about? I know like eight Kim Jung Uns.”

So basically modern feminism is trading one gender role women are punished for deviating from for another.

My wife is a stay at home mom, not to brag. Okay, it’s to brag. It’s harder for me not to brag than other people because I’m so awesome.

Once we were DINCs – dual income, no children. And now we have so much more.

Scientists estimate that by the year 2050, one out of every six people will be Hilary Rosen.

Obama: “The Romneys aren’t regular folk like you and me. They’ve never had to fret about the rising cost of organic arugula.”

BREAKING: Citing heavy losses, the Democrats have pulled out of the war on women.

Obama should release a statement telling the North Koreans that was a really good try. Last thing they need is more self-esteem issues.

Did the missile crash into the sea or was it successfully launched at Aquaman?

Democrats: “We thought with the war on women, women would welcome us with open arms. We weren’t prepared for the insurgents.”

Political strategist Hilary Rosen’s report: “Preliminary results are that going after stay at home moms is a no go.”

People must have been so bored all the time before smart phones.

I think North Korea’s main problem is that they order their missile parts from the same place Wile E. Coyote does.

It’s funny because North Korea’s missiles don’t work and we can nuke anyone in the world we want whenever we feel like it.

iOS apps are programmed in Objective C? I would have thought hipster programmers would use some really retro language like COBOL or FORTRAN.

I think Chris Christie will do well on the national stage since smaller stages tend to break under his weight.

Someone needs to sit Obama down on his lap and explain to him how jobs are made.

Got DNC email alleging that Romney is going to say tons of mean things about Obama. I’ll believe it when I see it.

You should seek justice, but if you can’t have justice at least have a circus since circuses are fun.

North Korea is going to celebrate Zimmerman’s arrest by launching a rocket.

I am a little surprised by the murder charge. Who calls the police before a murder? Seems more like manslaughter if anything.

There you go; you got me speculating. You win, society!

So was the situation in Logan’s Run the result of government run health care and them trying to control costs?

So is the GOP primary over now?

People just blindly accept that Obama is president, but I’ve never seen the presidential certificate.

It’s good we already don’t like Romney. Nothing more stupid than liking a politician.

We associate John Carpenter with horror, but it sounds like someone who constructs outhouses.

Follow me on Twitter.

If you’ve ever seen the comic where Bazooka Joe loses his eye, it’s pretty graphic.

Making my photos look like they’re from the 70s isn’t good enough; Instagram needs to add a Civil War era filter.

This may be a little late, but I’m starting to wonder if we should have stuck with the Articles of Confederation.

It would be cool if Google had an animated GIF of Muybridge murdering his wife’s lover.

Wow my HarperCollins check has a lot of security features. There must be a lot of dishonest authors trying to scam them.

None as genius as me, though.

The coolest security feature is this thumbprint that changes color when you touch. I will play with this check forever.

BTW, if you want to be featured in a future royalty check, go buy my book, only $1.99 (less than two dollars).

Most of the profits will go towards the “Buy Buttercup Cute Hats” fund.

And don’t read someone else’s copy instead of buying it yourself; that’s the same as theft which is a crime like rape.

“Only $1.99! That’s practically giving it away!” Yes, but with the distinction that we’re not.

I’m always afraid I’ll look back on my death bed and say, “I wished I’d pimped my stuff more.”

I probably won’t have a death bed, though; I’ll probably die in some sort of awesome explosion.

“R.I.P. Frank J. Fleming. When he exploded, it was hella awesome!”

I can’t wait until you all get to see my next book. I would say it will be the most awesome book ever, but that would undersell it. The previously most awesome book is so far behind it that it’s an insult to compare it to it.

Do you think the people who complain the most loudly about homophobes are secretly homophobes themselves?

BTW, I should remind you, if you already bought my book, you can also gift it to anyone with an email address (i.e., anyone).

I’m waiting to play Mass Effect 3 until they fix the face import bug. I don’t want to play with some Commander Shepherd I don’t recognize. #FirstWorldProblems

I was about to enter Arby’s, but Ryan Gosling tackled me.

WOMAN: “I’d like a job.”
OBAMA: “Here’s some birth control. Now have some sex and shut up!”

Just watched the Community from last Thursday. Crazy awesome.

Statement from Augusta Golf Club: “Leave us alone; chicks ruin everything. Except sex.”

BREAKING: Obama has issued a statement stating that the “No Homers Club” should admit more than one Homer.

Anyone know my wife’s middle name? I’ve known her so long, I’m embarrassed to ask her.

I’m pretty sure Buttercup’s first name is either “Princess” or “Peanut.”

Strangely not interested in religious advice from a guy so confused by Sarah Palin’s uterus.

I don’t get why so many flags are just three stripes of colors. Seems like you’d want to spend more time designing your national flag than that.

Just watched Hanna, a comedy based around Cate Blanchett trying to do a Southern accent.

I’ve started reading the first Game of Thrones book. Don’t spoil it by talking about the TV show.

Polo somehow manages looking both effete and crazy dangerous at the same time.

Why do scientists have to keep sissifying all the dinosaurs by putting feathers on them?

Dinosaurs were cool when I was kid and now they’re Vegas showgirls.

Uh oh. Mitt Romney knows all the lines to O Brother Where Art Thou and one of them has the n-word in it.

Who knew that a crack mayor could be such an embarrassment?

I apparently missed something about caterpillars.

BREAKING: The War on Women has been won by men. All women must report to nearest kitchen to make us sammiches.

The GOP doesn’t hate caterpillars. They hate butterflies.

Phase 1: GOP declares war on caterpillars.
Phase 2: Democrats use government to help caterpillars.
Phase 3: Caterpillars become extinct.

So the media is purposefully misunderstanding Priebus’s point so they can ridicule it which proves his point.

I want to be happy with what I have, but then it feels like the beginning of a movie where my family gets kidnapped and I have to fight to get back the perfect life I had.

I blamed global warming, but I bet they’ll be able to tell from the marks that I garroted that polar bear.

Game of Thrones book stop talking about trees I don’t care

So are we all ready to move on from primary speculation to VP speculation?

I don’t quite “get” Instagram yet.

I act angry when I fix a bug on a program and it still doesn’t work, but secretly I’m saying, “Yay! More bugs to hunt!”

I pity those who don’t know the thrill of debugging. It’s taking something broken and fixing it through sheer force of awesomeness.

By being a programmer, I command electronics what to do. I’m like Aqauman, but for microprocessors instead of fish.

Paul Ryan’s budget is radical. In fact, his budget writing should be an extreme sport event.

IMAO.com got a mention in Best of the Web yesterday. Wish I owned that URL.

When IMAO.com last went up for sale, thanks to the success of my blog, the URL was far too expensive for me to afford. Still, it makes me feel proud someone dropped a couple grand to catch traffic from people mistyping my blog URL.

My wife is replacing the thermostat. It’s funny because it’s technical and she’s a woman.

I don’t think the Hunger Games has a political slant. It’s just a generic, oppressive government, i.e., the key characteristic of the government in the Hunger Games is that it’s oppressive.

Judicial activism is one of those simple concepts that the left try to pretend is complicated. If you make stuff up that’s not in the Constitution, either to uphold or strike down a law, that’s judicial activism.

The judicial activism is the left’s way to change the Constitution without having to go through that complicated amendment process.

I don’t get the question of why Zimmerman had a gun on him. If you can legally have a gun, why wouldn’t you?

Are you telling me that the man who personally killed bin Laden can’t control gas prices?

Remember when all cameras used film and you had to have a store develop your pictures? Took forever to get things on Facebook.

Abraham Lincoln would never make it in today’s GOP primary. He’d be too racist.

Not only does Obama not have basic constitutional knowledge, I think I heard him call it the “Constatoobin.”

I tried tying my dog to the roof on a recent trip. She loved it… far as I know. I don’t speak dog.

I’m pretty certain the cats didn’t like being tied to dog, though.

Stand your ground laws means it’s up to the person you shot to prove he wasn’t wearing a hoodie.

Santorum is totally gonna win this nomination.

When you have enough followers, you can use Twitter as an intelligent search engine.

This Mitt Romney fellow doesn’t seem to like Obama. This country doesn’t need such negativity.

5th Court of Appeals: “President Obama, please submit a three page, single-spaced paper on whether or not you’re some sort of idiot.”

Making Debbie Wasserman Schulz chairwoman of the DNC was the idea of Democratic strategist Rarl Kove.

Obama: “I thought you only had to get your law by two out of three branches of government.”

I just got my first royalty check in the mail. It does make me feel like a king.

Thanks to smartphone check depositing, I can both cash my royalty check and keep it for later framing.

Saying the government can make a us buy stuff would be judicial activism. You want that, pass an amendment.

I don’t know why how conservatives think is such a mystery to left. All they have to do is ask us.

Of course, they also have to take our responses at face value and not project into them.

BTW, next book is in the editing phase. If your main complaint of my first book was that it was too short, that is being addressed.

Is the lottery a left/right thing? What political spectrum does bilking money out of greedy poor people fall under? Or is that bipartisan?

Do we really have a bullying crisis, or is it the same it’s always been and we just started caring about it?

Have kids gotten meaner over time or have we just gotten sissier?

Okay, now I just honestly feel sorry for Keith Olbermann.

Current TV: Other news channels’ rejects

Future headline: “iTunes has dropped Keith Olbermann’s free podcast”

Gas station had sign “Like us on Facebook”. What kind of life do you have to be leading to have nothing better to do than that?

Oh. Keith Olbermann liked them.

ME: “Buttercup, did you miss your daddy today?”
BUTTERCUP (18mo): “Umm…”

“Oh. No one won the lottery. The money goes into the fire.”

Don’t know why Congress thinks they can get away with 2,700 page laws when reading a 6 page Constitution is obviously too strenuous for them.

For April Fools, I put a million dollar check in the collection plate.

For April Fools, I robbed a liquor store (I’ll return the money today).

“These thrones… we’ll make a game of them.” -line from Game of Thrones, presumably

“You’re not a team player. This may be a game of thrones, but I’m benching you!” -line from Game of Thrones, again assuming

April Fools Day fills Mr. T with great pity.

Just because it wasn’t intended doesn’t mean it won’t work out for the better.

It seems like Dawkins is reacting from some weird psychological tic. Maybe when he was a kid, a deity jumped out from a bush and scared him.

The best thing I can say about the first book of Stephen King’s Dark Tower series is that it was short.

At least Stephen King’s foreword for it was very apologetic

Since we’re not paying for Iran’s birth control, does that mean we’re already at war with them?

If you’re actually concerned about the fate of black youths, there are probably a lot greater threats to focus on than neighborhood watches.

If you made a bunch of mini clones of Toure, you’d have Tourettes.

I learned the Constitution puts limitation on federal power back in grade school. Why do so many people seem so surprised by that notion?

Chance of winning Mega Millions: 1 in 175,711,536. Chance of becoming one of the top 1% through hard work, investing: at least 1 in 100.

I thought Anchorman was funny, but I don’t really get the huge deal about it.

Since I’m a humor expert, I guess I should give it further study.

And please don’t construe any of this as me not liking lamps.

One of the oddest effects of guns is their ability to keep people from using basic logic. Mainly those who don’t own them.

It would be nice if more people framed their arguments as “I don’t like freedom on this issue and here’s why…”

Got an email from John Kerry complaining about billionaires and thought maybe he was breaking up with his wife.

I don’t get why some people think a car elevator is a big deal. Are they claiming their cars can use the stairs?

That fight at the end of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol at Romney’s house was pretty cool.

How about a compromise: You can stay on your parents’ insurance until age 26, but then you’re not classified as an adult and can’t vote.

A lot of people these days don’t start to get their heads together until age 30; maybe we should change the legal definition of an adult.

“Right-wingers aren’t funny! All they do is point and laugh at me and I don’t get it and it makes me feel bad!”

The right don’t need jokes; we just laugh at poor people.

I think there are fewer right comedians for same reason there are fewer right actors. It’s not that a conservative can’t act; it’s just not a career choice a conservative usually gravitates to.

So who’s the funniest faction of the left? I always get the most laughs out of the feminists. Experts at deadpan humor.

I need to explain to Buttercup that pointing out objects you know the name of does not count as conversation.

If all of Obamacare is struck down, the subsequent gloating party won’t be helpful to defeating Obama, but some things are more important.

State of the economy: I use to get iPad twitter spam. Now I’m getting Walmart twitter spam.

The controversy in this country isn’t access to birth control. It’s access to other people’s wallets.

I hate when people see my in a hoodie and assume I’m a thug or see me with a Tommy gun and assume I’m a gangster.

The Supreme Court upholding a limit to government power? What are we? The United States of America?

If you hold up the Constitution during oral arguments, Ginsburg hisses and shrinks away from it like a vampire seeing a cross.

The Obama presidency would be going pretty well if he never needed to convince people of things.

If Ted Kennedy had drowned a black kid in a hoodie, would that make the left not like him or would that also have been okay?

I am not so interested in the moral outrage of moral idiots.

Do people really think Zimmerman shot Trayvon for the hell of it? I know Zimmerman has more of a rap sheet than Trayvon, but murderous sociopaths like that are pretty rare outside of the CSI universe.

If we end all bullying, kids will end up being a bunch of sissies… which means I’ll be able to bully them as an old man. Cool.

A Hispanic shoots a black kid who was pounding his head into the pavement, and somehow I know white people did something wrong.

Why do we have to look at this in terms of race? Why can’t we just look at it as fellow human beings punching and shooting each other?

Make sure you have a will with instructions on how you’d like your death to be politicized.

“If only Zimmerman were whiter…” -people demagoguing the Trayvon shooting

So hoodies are bad? So what should I wear to my next liquor store robbery?

Quick! Someone draw a hoodie on an Etch-A-Sketch!

Maybe what Geraldo said wasn’t that dumb and we just think that because of the mustache.

Apparently Obama has embraced the term “Obamacare”, so big blow to whiners.

Being a low level programmer, I was a little wary when I first started with C#, but man do I love foreach loops.

#ILikeObamacare because I believe there is such a thing as a free lunch. And unicorns.

My 17 month old daughter is the best thing ever. She’s like owning a monkey that talks.

The Hunger Games was good, but I think this is the rare adaptation where you’ll enjoy it more if you read the book first.

Also, what was shown in the books was limited by the first person perspective, so the movie had some advantages there.

Had a rib-eye of “Kobe-style” beef. Very expensive, but really good.

Considering how poorly Jon Huntsman did in the primary, it’s weird he’s the next politician they’re doing a movie of: “Snow White and the Huntsman”

“Don’t worry; I’ll save you, Snow White. I know Chinese.”

Here’s how Newt Gingrich can still win this: meteors.

From SarahK just now: “Antelopes do have long trunks so they can eat ants.”