If you have a collection of elements — and who doesn’t — you need to update it.

In contrast to more familiar elements like carbon, gold and tin, the new ones are short-lived. Atoms of 114 disintegrate within a few seconds, while 116 disappears in just a fraction of a second, Moody said.

Both elements were discovered by a collaboration of scientists from Livermore and Russia. They made them by smashing calcium ions into atoms of plutonium or another element, curium. The official recognition, announced last week, cites experiments done in 2004 and 2006.

That might seem odd, that experiments were conducted 5-7 years ago and they’ve just now made them official. And they still don’t have names.

But, think about it: Barack Obama was born in 1961 and it took 50 years for anyone to find a birth certificate. So those new elements are actually ahead of the game.

So, what should we call these elements?

Number 114 is in the carbon group, which includes carbon (of course), silicon, germanium, tin, and lead. It’s been called “ununquadium,” which is a silly name. It sounds like something they made up for Star Trek — the Voyager Star Trek, not the real Star Trek.

Number 116 is a chalcogen, along with oxygen, sulfur, selenium, tellurium, and polonium. It’s been called ununhexium, which is like 7-Up, the Uncola, only with hexium instead of cola and twice the un.

They are some proposed names for these elements:

The discoverers at Dubna, the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research, in Russia have proposed the name flerovium for 114, after Soviet element-finder Georgy Flyorov, and moscovium for 116, after Russia’s Moscow region.

If Ronald Reagan was president, we wouldn’t put up with naming elements for a bunch of Ruskies. There were 3 elements discovered during Reagan’s time in office — Bohrium, Meitnerium, and Hassium — none named for Russians. Dubnium (105), discovered in 1970, was named for a Russian town, but that wasn’t made official when Clinton was in the White House.

We need to come up with some good names for these new elements. Like what? Like these:

• Whaatthehellisthatium
• Amazonium
• Stuffium
• Beerium
• Imaginarium
• Dilithium
• Hermancainium
• Latinum
• Huminahuminahuminium
• Flubber
• RONPAUL!!!!1!!!!!
• Melange
• Sanitarium
• Upsidasium
• Whentheyredeadyouburium
• Illudium Phosdex
• Nosium
• Eternium
• Sarahpalinium
• Corbomite
• Ricksantorumium
• Cavorite
• Igotthreestarsonallthelevelsofangrybirdsium
• Solarbonite
• Ed

While these might be cool names, you may have some better ideas. Let’s here them.

According to his report at the Journal of Cosmology, life is common in the universe:

…these fossilized bacteria are not Earthly contaminants but are the fossilized remains of living organisms which lived in the parent bodies of these meteors, e.g. comets, moons, and other astral bodies. Coupled with a wealth of date published elsewhere and in previous editions of the Journal of Cosmology, and as presented in the edited text, “The Biological Big Bang”, the implications are that life is everywhere, and that life on Earth may have come from other planets.

As evidence, he offered photos of what looked like life.

© Journal of Cosmology

But the surprising news doesn’t stop there, according to Dr. Hoover. “Building on this conclusion — that is, if it looks like life, then it’s probably life — we now have proof that poodles live in the earth’s sky.”

While some scientists are skeptical of Dr. Hoover’s latest claim, he offered additional photos to support his hypothesis.

“You see this? There’s no doubt that it’s a poodle. But closer examination shows that it’s floating in the sky with clouds,” Dr. Hoover said. “It’s obvious that giant floating poodles live on the earth. In fact, there may be additional giant floating dogs, not just poodles, that live in the sky.”

While there is no photographic evidence of other airborne canines, Dr. Hoover suggests that other evidence points to their existence.

“The meteorites that contain microscopic slugs? How did they get to earth? I think that other sky-dogs may have seen the asteroids zipping by in space and, well, essentially played ‘fetch’ with them, bringing them to earth and dropping them on us,” Dr. Hoover concluded.

The scientist stated that more research needed to be done. He said that once NASA learns more about the giant floating dogs, it is possible they could be trained to not only fetch, but to also deliver satellites into space.

“The possibilities are endless,” Dr. Hoover said.

A solar flare was emitted Tuesday, and it’s heading this way.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) said the possible effects from the geomagnetic storm include power grid fluctuations, impact on satellite operations, effects on migratory animals and the visibility of auroras in places like New York, Idaho, Michigan and Maine.

Yes, it’s hitting any moment now.

It may have already hit. But, I don’t think it has, since life on earth hasn’t burned up and the continents haven’t turned into pools of molten rock.

And, did you notice that one of the places impacted would be Idaho? Frank J. lives near there, I think. And the CME could affect his blogging. I don’t know if it’ll make it better or worse, but I don’t like change, so whatever happens, I won’t like it.

But, let’s look at the bigger picture. This solar attack is like the plot out of a bad direct-to-video movie that airs on the SyFy Channel or something. Which means that we need to be on the lookout for other SyFy-based threats. Like Meteors, Mega Piranha, Mega Pythons, Gatoroids, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson.

We also need to ask why. Why is the sun attacking us?

I think it’s pissed that humans are trying to take credit for global warming, when it’s the sun that causes the earth to warm up and cool down. The sun has sat there, 93-million miles away, watching us. And it’s tired of Al Gore giving credit to humans for its work.

I think we need to take all the “global warming/climate change/whatever it’s called next” crowd and put them in a rocket and shoot them off into space. Not like some B Ark plot, but to distract the CMEs. It’ll see the rocket ship full of screaming environmentalists and direct its attention that way.

Al Gore could end up saving the earth after all.

Even then, we won’t be completely safe. There’s still the threat of Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson.

Except we have an earlier problem. The Andromeda galaxy is on a collision course with the Milky Way. And when it collides, who knows what will happen to our solar system? And that’s in only 4.5 billion years by current estimates.

But we have other problems besides that to worry about, as before the sun enters its red giant phase, it is constantly burning off fuel and getting hotter. It’s getting so hot, in fact, that in around 500 million years the earth should be unlivable. Yeah, that’s right: Only 500 million years. That’s something we have to think about dealing with.

If we live that long.

Because now scientists say they’ve noticed a periodic extinction pattern. Every 27 million years, something just starts killing things right and left. And the next one occurs in only 16 million years. That’s cutting it close, but that gives us time to prepare, right? But here’s the problem: Scientists have no idea what causes it.

That’s right; no idea. Usually scientists would at least act like they figured it out and make a wild guess. But this one is too mysterious to even attempt an explanation. But if something is mysterious and murderous, that points to only one culprit:

Rogue unicorns.

Artist's conception of a rogue unicorn (I drew it with my fingers on an iPad).

Rogue unicorns are like regular unicorns. But they’ve gone rogue. They use rainbows for evil. Like instead of making one rainbow, they might make a double rainbow just to confuse people. Or they might shoot rainbows directly into your face and explode your head. They don’t care who they hurt. Because they’ve gone rogue.

And apparently every 27 million years they go psycho and kill everybody. Or at least that’s the best guess of Science! right now since a binary star doesn’t fit the data. And rogue leprechauns don’t make any sense. So we probably should get working on some sort of rogue unicorn defense system with anti-rainbow shielding technology. And then maybe we can protect ourselves and all the animals we care about (so not the squirrels) from the next onslaught. And we only have 16 million years to get ready.

Unless they change up the timetable. Those darn rogue unicorns always not playing by the rules!

Which gets me thinking: I’m a scientist. Well, I have a bachelors in science. And I like to study stuff like the science of humor. So I’m a scientist. That means that when you quote me, you shouldn’t say that, “Frank J. says…” You should say, “Scientists say…” So here are some new scientifical statements:

Scientists say that more funding and research needs to be devoted to dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them and space lasers.

Scientists say that lab tests on monkeys aren’t quite cruel enough yet.

Scientists say the best strategy for the president during a crisis is to accidentally lock himself in a trunk so he’ll stay out of the way of anyone who actually knows how to do something useful.

Scientists say we’re almost out of Doritos and should get more.

Scientists say that Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a really fun game.

Scientists say that SarahK should get up and get her own water instead of having her husband do it after he’s already sat down for dinner.

Scientists say that the cat should stop clawing people while they write or it’s going to get popped in the face.

Scientists say, “Buy my t-shirts.”

Remember, you can’t question any of this, because I… wield… Science!

Wait, what did you say you needed it for?

Oh yeah, I guess for that, you’d need it even colder. Still, I think this will be plenty cold for a lot of people.

Ever since scientists first discovered anti-matter, they were like, “But how do we make this cold?” They tried to put it on ice, but it would just explode since the ice was made out of normal matter. Similarly, blowing on it didn’t work. So then they made a magnetic trap. That worked awesomely. So now they have cold anti-matter and that is pretty… well… cool.

So what do you with cold anti-matter? Well, you get a news story written up about it for one thing. And then you work to make it even colder. Because Science! marches on. And there is no such thing as anti-matter being “too cold.”

Science!

I’m a big fan of space exploration. Whether it’s because I truly believe that it’s to the benefit of all mankind that we push the boundaries of exploration, or if it’s just because it reminds me of Star Trek, I don’t know. Probably the latter. Anyway, I’m a big fan of space exploration.

A lot of Americans used to be that way, too.

However, ever since the summer of 1969, space exploration hasn’t seemed to have the country’s attention like it used to. What happened in the summer of ’69? The Apollo 11 landing. And the last first-run episode of Star Trek. Not sure which caused the drop in interest in space.

Science! has another way to blind us

We need something to get people’s attention. And our good friend, Science!, has supplied it.

Beer.

In case you missed it — and I did until I was it on History Channel’s The Universe — there are clouds of beer in space.

Okay, it’s not exactly beer. But it’s alcohol, similar in structure to the alcohol in beer.

Geoff Macdonald, who has a keen interest in such matters, calculated that there is enough for 300,000 pints of beer for every person on Earth every day for the next billion years

Space has beer for the taking. That ought to get people’s attention. And it ought to increase the interest in space exploration.

Now, me? I don’t drink beer. I don’t drink any alcoholic beverages at all. I’m that much of a Baptist.

But you know what that means? When we all go to space after the space beer, I’m the designated driver.

Wrong!!!

All this time, you thought it had something to do with “when a man loves a woman…” Or, maybe a Barry White song instead of a Percy Sledge (or Michael Bolton) song.

That is so early 21st century. We’ve moved beyond that.

Scientists have created eggs and sperm from stem cells.

Scientists at Stanford University in California found the right cocktail of chemicals and vitamins to coax the cells into becoming eggs and sperm.

The sperm had heads and short tails and are thought to have been mature enough to fertilise an egg.

The eggs were at a much earlier stage but were still much more developed than any created so far by other scientists.

While this is certainly interesting, what if babies realize that they don’t need men or women in order to be born?

Sure, the average baby isn’t all that smart. A typical infant is only slightly smarter than the average Democrat. But what about those Baby Einsteins that the Disney company made smart?

Don’t be fooled. Those Baby Einsteins are smart. They figured out how to get smart, then get their money back from Disney. Scary smart, those Baby Einsteins.

So, if smart babies learn how to make other babies, they’d probably make more smart babies. Then we’d be overrun with smart babies.

Not worried about that? Read that whole article again. Especially this part:

The science also raises the possibility of ‘male eggs’ made from men’s skin and ‘female sperm’ from women’s skin.

This would allow gay couples to have children genetically their own

Think about this. What if genius gay babies try to take over the world?

You know what? They’ll succeed?

Who would fight them? If it was Godzilla, we’d send the Army out to fight them. But it’s not Godzilla. It’s smart gay babies. We can’t send the Army to fight smart gay babies. They’re babies, for crying out loud.

On the other hand, maybe Obama would make his mind up to take a stand against smart gay babies. But I doubt it.

Smart babies, yes, he’d send the troops to fight against. But smart gay babies? That’s part of his constituency. The gay part, not the baby part. Or the smart part.

So, if babies tried to take over the world, Obama would fight against them. But if smart gay babies try, we’re screwed.

And not in the way that we used to make babies.

To find the Higgs boson, scientists have constructed the Large Hadron Collider. The Small Hadron Collider, the Medium Hadron Collider, and the Fun-Size Hadron Collider all failed to locate the Higgs boson, but they’re pretty sure the Large one will do it. There is a small chance (one in six) that the Collider could create black holes and destroy the universe, but Science! has already shown we have 10^10^16 universes, so that’s not really a big deal.

Anyway, if you happen to see a Higgs boson, make sure to tell your nearest scientist. And be detailed in your description (height, weight, etc.).

Science!

So why not? Well, what I blame for this is… um… immigrants childhood obesity the removal of Pluto from the list of planets blog commenters. Your ignorant comments are impeding Science! If you only spent more time thinking out smart things to say before posting on blogs, we’d probably all have lasers right now. You make everyone dumber with what you say, and that’s why we don’t have military-grade lasers.

So, if you wrote smarter comments, would that mean we would all get lasers? Indubitably. So, instead of writing just some comment on how you don’t like Obama, try to tie it into quantum mechanics. Smart talk like that will most certainly please mighty Science! who will reward our good work with lasers and flying cars and genetically resurrected dinosaurs. Remember: Science! is always watching — well, not actually always which leaves some things in an indeterminate state — but it’s watching a lot of time so be smart for it.

So I know what you’re thinking: “Can we invade them and steal their oil?” Yes, but we’ll need a pretext for the invasion. That’s simple, though: All we have to do is find a universe similar to our own and then hit them up for tons of copyright infringements. When they won’t pay, we invade them and take their oil!

It’s ideas like that that would make me a much better ruler than a pine cone.

You read that right.

Monkeys controlling robots with their minds.

One science guy, who wears a lab coat, says it’s all for the public good:

Neurobiologist Dr Andy Schwartz said: “What we’re trying to do is go to a very dextrous hand – where the functionality is very similar to the human hand. If we could help stroke patients there would be a huge market for this kind of device.”

I’m not sure, but I think the guy that’s the mad scientist behind this is a nice guy. But letting monkeys control robots?

Don’t let Frank J. find out. He’s got a lot on his mind right now, what with writing all teh funneh, making up lies about the president (but true lies, not those awful false lies), and planning the birthday of someone who is very special to him (and the rest of us, too).

That’s a lot of pressure. He doesn’t need any more. Especially since he has to find the perfect birthday present for his wife. All married men know that if you don’t find the perfect gift, you might as well just dig a hole, crawl in, and cover yourself up. Your life is over if you screw up the wife’s birthday present.

So, Frank J. doesn’t need any extra pressure. I sure won’t do anything to cause any extra pressure on him. About his wife’s birthday.

And this story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds might freak him out. ‘Cause it’s freaky.

I mean, do you get the idea that scientists are like rednecks, only with test tubes and laboratories instead of beer cans and deer stands?

I mean, a redneck will get liquored up, hop on a four-wheeler and try to jump his mom’s car. He’ll make it about half-way across. It’s like, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Then they’ve got a “Here’s Your Sign” winner.

Same way with these scientists. “Hello, colleagues, observe!” They wire up a monkey to a robot and let it control it with its mind.

We’ve all been worrying about SkyNet taking over. And, if it does, it will be a cross between Terminator and Planet of the Apes: monkey-controlled robots.

There’s a storm coming … and it’s a mad house, a mad house!