Counting the votes

January 6, 2017, 1:00 PM EST


Ladies and gentlemen, as Speaker of the House of Representatives, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the President of the Senate, the Honorable Joseph R. Biden.


Thanks, Pat.

Paul.


So, we vote now, right? I was thinking onions, mushrooms, and bacon. Oh, and extra cheese. What about you guys?


Mr. President, we’re here to …

Oh, is Barack here, too? I suppose that means no bacon.


No, I’m addressing you as president of the Senate. While the Senate is in session, as it is now with the House, you are presiding. So we call you Mr. President. And you call me Mr. Speaker.

“Paul Speaker?” That’s a funny name. Anyway, are you telling me that all this time, I didn’t need to worry about Barack watching me? Jeez. I wish someone had told me. So, is he here? Do we get bacon or not?


Mr. President, we’re not here to vote on pizza.

It’s one o’clock and it’s a Friday, Mr. Speaker. I’m thinking extra-large. There are more here than I realized. How many is this? About 50?


Well, the D.C. House delegate is here, so 536.

We better get two pizzas. And bread sticks.


Joe, we’re here to open the electoral votes to select the president.

You just told me I was president.


For Heaven’s sake, Joe, we’re picking the next president of the United States. Your term as vice president of the United States and as President of the Senate is up in two weeks, so we need to pick the next person for the job.

Didn’t I do a good job? I’ve seen my picture all over the Internet. I must be doing something right.


Listen, Joe, it’s time to open the votes and count them.

Oh, okay. I hope we get bacon. I’m tired of pepperoni. So, how do we do this?


The same way we did four years ago. You have the ballots in front of you. Open them in alphabetical order and read the total. Hand them to the tellers, who will record the totals. When all the states are counted, they’ll add them up and give you those totals, and you announce the next president and vice-president.

Alphabetical? So, we start with Delaware, right? Why is Alabama on top? Delaware is the first state.


No, Joe. Alphabetically, it’s Alabama, followed by Alaska. Delaware is, let’s see, 8th on the list.

No, that’s not right. Delaware is the first state. I know my algebra.


This is the order they want us to read them, Mr. President.

Okay then, Mr. Speaker. We’ll do it that way. But I do get extra cheese?


Joe, I’ve just been informed that an extra-large pizza with onions, mushroom, bacon — and extra cheese — has won. If you’ll follow me to your car, we’ll head over to … um … Amy’s … and introduce you.

Yay! Another job well done!

Send to Kindle

Promises


You wanted to see me?


Sit down!


Is something wrong?


“Is something wrong?” Yes something’s wrong. I’m running against Donald Trump — DONALD F#@%$#% TRUMP — and the polls are tightening and it looks like I might not win this thing! Doesn’t that sound like something’s wrong to you?!


I’m not sure why you’re angry with me about this…


You’re not sure why I’m angry with you? Listen, moron. You told me you had a sure-fire way of guaranteeing my coronation, election, and if the trend keeps up, instead of celebrating a victory, I’ll be at Epstein’s place trying to forget this whole fiasco. And I’ll make sure you’re there, too, but not as a guest. You get me?


Yes, ma’am.


What?!?


Yes, Your Highness.


That’s better. Now you get that piece of $#@% on the phone and get this fixed. And you tell that #$%@&%-$#%&@% that I’ll Vince Foster him so fast he won’t know what hit him.


Hello, Nick?


John! Lovely to hear from you again.


Look, Z, we got a problem.


There are no problems, only opportunities.


Hillary’s pissed.


Not at me. I’ve done my part.


She’s not running away with this thing. It’s close. She might lose.


Well, now, with everything I’ve done, if she’s not winning, it’s her own fault.


Look, Z, I need you to step up.


You can count on it. Don’t worry. I got this.


I’ll tell her. And I appreciate that. See you at dinner?


Sounds lovely. Bye bye, now.


It’s under control.


It damn sure better be.

… Meanwhile …


Hello? Yes, I wanted to renew my offer. I can guarantee you …


Save it. I don’t need your help.

Send to Kindle

I M Verizon

VW-IAmWeasel
Based on a true story

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2012

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone.

IMWeasel2
Let’s see how long it’s been… Oh, you’ve reached the 20-month date for an upgrade. So, you can get the discounted price. Was there a particular phone you were looking at? Another Droid, perhaps?

Basil
Actually, I was looking at one of these iPhones.

VW-IMWeasel3
That’s a good phone. And, it’s only $199 on a two-year contract.

Basil
So, the contract will run to 2014? And if I want to upgrade again?

VW-IMWeasel3
In 20 months.

Basil
I’ll take it.

April 12, 2013

IBRedGuy
"Dear Valued Verizon Wireless Customer:

We at Verizon are changing our renewal terms. We don't care that the terms were 20-months when you signed the contract. We're changing the terms on our side before the contract ends. You still have to honor your end, though. Or we'll, like, take you to court, screw up your credit report, and anything else we can think of.

Please understand, Valued, that we're doing this to serve you better. Or something."

Columbus, Georgia
September 13, 2013

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone. I want to pre-order one of the new ones, the iPhone 5c.

VW-IMWeasel3
Certainly. That’ll be $549. Plus tax.

Basil
What about the 20-month upgrade?

IMWeasel2
Didn’t you get our letter earlier this year? We changed the terms.

Basil
So, you mean, I signed the contract when your policy was to upgrade at 20 months, which was earlier this month? And you decided to change your side of the contract, but hold me to mine?

IMWeasel2
Yes, sir. That’s what the email said.

Basil
Tell you what. Keep your damn phone.

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2014

ATT-IAmWeasel
Welcome to AT&T. How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Send to Kindle

Trusted Friend

Basil1960PhoneCall
[Marimba ringtone plays]

BasilButterfly
Hello?

basil75
Hey. It’s me.

BasilButterfly
Who is this?

basil75
Me. Or you. From your past.

BasilButterfly
Um, what do you want?

basil75
Yeah, I wanted to call you and tell you it’s a bad idea.
Continue reading ‘Trusted Friend’ »

Send to Kindle

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians II


It’s S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Continue reading ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians II’ »

Send to Kindle

Top of the charts

Bush!
Bush, Bush bo Bush, banana fanna fo Bush
Fee fi mo Bush, Bush!

Come on everybody!
I say now let’s play a game
I betcha I can make a blame out of anybody’s name.
The first four years, I treat it like it was not there
But a lot of silly reasons and excuses will appear
And then I say “No I wasn’t to blame,” and banana fanna blame a foe
And then I say that name and I make it very plain
And a fee fie on a foe
And then I say the name again and now you know my game
And there isn’t any name that I can’t blame

Clinton!
Clinton, Clinton bo Clinton, banana fanna fo Clinton
Fee fi mo Clinton, Clinton!

But if the first two years are ever brought up,
I drop my voice and say the name like
Bush, he killed the economy,
Clinton, she let the Ambassador die,
Osama, I killed him with my bare hands.
The media ignores anything that is contrary.

Everybody do Bush!

Bush, Bush, bo Bush, banana fanna fo Bush
Fee fi mo Bush, Bush!

Pretty good, let’s do the rich!

Rich, rich, bo rich, banana fanna fo rich
Fee fi mo rich, rich!

Very good, let’s do Wall Street!

Wall Street, Wall Street, bo Wall Street, banana fanna fo Wall Street
Fee fi mo Wall Street, Wall Street!

A little trick with YouTube!

YouTube, YouTube, bo YouTube, banana fanna fo YouTube
Fee fi mo YouTube, YouTube!

The blame game…

Send to Kindle

RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!

GOP
Hi, everyone. I want you to meet our nominee, Governor Mitt Romney!

Mitt
Thank you! I’m proud that I’m going to be your nominee.

RONPAUL!!1!!
You’re no different than Obama!! Vote RONPAUL!!1!!!
Continue reading ‘RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!’ »

Send to Kindle

Justified


On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I’m fighting for my soul, God get at your boy
You try to bogart — fall back, I go hard
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I see them long hard times to come…


Raylan, I need you to pack your bags. You’re going to Detroit.

Continue reading ‘Justified’ »

Send to Kindle

Bewitched


Abner! Abner! They’re doing it again!


Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?


Those strange people in that house across the street.


I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!
Continue reading ‘Bewitched’ »

Send to Kindle

The Road Runner Show


Whatcha watchin’?


Cartoons.


Why aren’t you watching the news?


This is more real.


I like the news.



Continue reading ‘The Road Runner Show’ »

Send to Kindle

Waitin’ on Frank, featuring Karl Childers



I’m waitin’ on Frank.



Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.





I like th’ way he writes.

Send to Kindle

Messin’ wit’ french fried potaters


Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.


Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.


I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.


It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.


Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ’em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.


Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

Send to Kindle

Economic advice


What can we do for you, Mr. President?


Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.


You need to give a speech!


Speech! Give a speech!


Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

Continue reading ‘Economic advice’ »

Send to Kindle

Which One’s Crazier?

Hulu
The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Guy Smiley
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One's Crazier
Which One’s Crazier?

Guy Smiley
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

Frank J
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Guy Smiley
Frank, what do you do for a living?

Frank J
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Guy Smiley
Our next contestant…

Harvey
All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Guy Smiley
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

Harvey
You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

Guy Smiley
And, finally…

Basil
Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Guy Smiley
Where do you work, Basil?

Basil
You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Guy Smiley
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
Continue reading ‘Which One’s Crazier?’ »

Send to Kindle

Replacing Ed Schultz


Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.


Danke, mein Herr!


Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?


Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
Continue reading ‘Replacing Ed Schultz’ »

Send to Kindle