Abner! Abner! They’re doing it again!

Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?

Those strange people in that house across the street.

I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!
(more…)

Whatcha watchin’?

Cartoons.

Why aren’t you watching the news?

This is more real.

I like the news.

…
(more…)

…

I’m waitin’ on Frank.

…

Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.

…

…

…

I like th’ way he writes.

Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.

Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.

I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.

It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.

Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ‘em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.

Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

What can we do for you, Mr. President?

Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.

You need to give a speech!

Speech! Give a speech!

Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

(more…)

The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One’s Crazier?

Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Frank, what do you do for a living?

I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Our next contestant…

All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

And, finally…

Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Where do you work, Basil?

You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
(more…)

Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.

Danke, mein Herr!

Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?

Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
(more…)

You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.

Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.

Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.

Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.

Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.

People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.

Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey

I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…

But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!

The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”

“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”

“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”

And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.

The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.

She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.

She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?

Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.

She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

Hello, I’m Dwayne Brown, NASA’s token black guy. And I’m here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they’ve discovered life on Earth.

Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.

Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?

Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?
(more…)