Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?

Those strange people in that house across the street.

I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!


What’s wrong with them, Gladys?

Where do you want me to start? With the husband? That’s a shady character!

He seems like a nice man.

Oh, sure he does. But what does he do? This is a pretty exclusive neighborhood, and I never heard of him before he put up a bid for that house across the street.

So you never heard of him. That doesn’t prove anything.

I checked around. Turns out he was something called a “Community Organizer.” A “Community Organizer?!” Can you believe that?

So he never had a real job. What of it? He seems to be doing alright for himself now.

Oh, sure, but we’re paying for it. Every time you turn around, he’s over here wanting more money. I tell you, Abner, we’re nearly broke!

Nearly? Have you seen our credit card bill? It’s up in the trillions. But why are you blaming him? The guy who used to live there was hitting us up all the time, too.

But not like this. Plus, what does he do all day? He’s always jumping into his airplane and heading off to play golf or give a speech. He’s been there nearly three years and all he’s done is want more and more money from us.

A man’s gotta make a living somehow.

What about the people he hangs around with? Have you ever seen such a bunch of crooks and low-lifes?

So, he knows some shady types. What about your brother, Gladys? Didn’t he get a speeding ticket just last week? And you want to criticize the friends of our neighbors.

Then there are those out-of-work people.

What are you talking about?

There used to be a few people without jobs hanging around, yelling at the nice man that used to live there. Now, there are twice as many hanging around.

Times are tough.

Tough? Sure, for you and me and the out-of-work. But that man and his friends from Nevada and California came by, wanting us to give them a lot of money so they could spend it creating fake jobs for those out-of-work people.

Like I said, times are tough. I’d hire them at my plant if I could expand. But I can’t because of government regulation. So, we have to help the out-of-work some way.

Oh, Abner. Do you even listen to what you’re saying?

Why are you blaming the nice man across the street for this anyway?

And what about his wife! Can you believe her?

What about her, Gladys?

What about here?! She’s always taking a group of people off to big vacations overseas, and sending us the bill!

But she’s such a fashion icon and wants nothing but the best for us.

Fashion icon? Where did you get that? From that newspaper you read all day?

As a matter of fact, yes, Gladys. These newspapers says that she’s such a smart, wonderful woman. That’s how I know!

And they’re the same ones who said that it’d be so wonderful to have them move in across the street. But look how that’s turned out.

I’ll have you know that Barack Obama is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

Oh, you are so bewitched by those people, Abner. You’ve never even met the man. You just repeat what you read in the paper.

I also watch the news on television, Gladys. Why MSNBC said just this week…

MSNBC? Abner, what’s wrong with you? You sit there all day, acting like everything’s alright, when there are all kind of strange people going into and out of the house across the street, while they do nothing but spend, spend, spend all day.

Everything is okay, Gladys. The newspaper and TV says so.

I declare, Abner. You don’t pay attention to anything that’s going on. The whole world is changing around you and you go on and act like nothing’s wrong. Nothing at all.

Cartoons.

Why aren’t you watching the news?

This is more real.

I like the news.

…


Didn’t the president propose a budget?

A jobs bill, actually.

It was a big bill, like the book the coyote is reading.

What’s in the bill?

The president wants to raise taxes. One and a half trillion dollars in taxes.

That sounds like a lot of money.

Wait until the American people find out what’s in it.

What’ll happen then?

I don’t know, but it won’t be good.

Why does he do things like that?

Who?

The president.

I don’t know. He seems to have some goal in mind, but doesn’t know how to go about achieving it.

What’s his goal?

To make Jimmy Carter look good, I think.

That’s a stupid goal.

But he is good at it.

Yep.

…

I thought people said Obama was some super man…

… calling him all smart and stuff.

That’s what some people said.

Why would they say that?

Maybe that’s because he’s smarter than they are.

They must really be dumb.

Yep.

What happens next?

There’s an election.

Then what happens?

I’m not sure. But I have an idea.

I’m waitin’ on Frank.

…

Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.

…

…

…

I like th’ way he writes.

Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.

I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.

It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.

Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ‘em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.

Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.

You need to give a speech!

Speech! Give a speech!

Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

Oh, and be sure to do it on the same night as the Republican debate. That way, everybody will be watching!

Another great idea. I’ll set that up now.

Hey, John. It’s the president. Of the United States. Yes, that’s right.

John, what I’m calling about is I want to give a speech next Wednesday night.

But I’m the president! Me! Me! I’m president.

Okay, I’ll do it Thursday.

He said I have to do it Thursday.

That’s even better. There’s football that night. Everybody will be watching you!

Football! Football! Touchdown! Football!

Slam dunk! Am I right? Don’t leave me hanging here.

Okay, now you need to plan your speech. How about … spending more money!

Spend! Spend! Spend!

Hey, yeah. That’s a great idea! We’ll spend our way out of debt!

Spend! Spend! Spend!

I’ve already written your speech. Take a look at it.

Hmm. 300-billion dollars. Mmmm. Spending. Mmmm. 400-billion dollars. Mmmm. 447-billion dollars.

Makes perfect sense to me!

Government taxes on businesses and individuals, along with mindless regulations, caused all this. The bank failures. The high unemployment. But this plan will make it all better.

Taxes! Taxes! Taxes!

By putting more taxes and regulations on things, it’s exactly what the economy won’t be expecting. So it’s guaranteed to work!

I really like the way you think.

We appreciate that, Mr. President. It’s hard to get anyone of any importance to listen to us. Most people apply math and logic to our suggestions, then walk away saying we’re nuts. But not you! And we thank you!

It’s been a pleasure working with you. And it’s great to have my own Tea Party to counter that one the Republicans have.

Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One’s Crazier?

Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Frank, what do you do for a living?

I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Our next contestant…

All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

And, finally…

Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Where do you work, Basil?

You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?

Which one’s crazier? A bedbug? Or a shithouse rat? Harvey?

A shithouse rat.

That is correct!

Next question: which one’s crazier? A box of frogs? Or a bag of cats? Basil?

A bag of cats, Guy.

I’m sorry, you didn’t give your answer in the form of a question. No points for you.

Let’s go to the next question. Which one’s crazier? A loon? Or a coot? Frank?

A loony coot.

That’s absolutely right!

Okay, then. Which one’s crazier? A sprayed roach? Or a sack of weasels. Basil?

Um. A, um… What is a sack of weasels?

You didn’t say how big of a sack. So, sorry. No points for you.

Next, which one’s crazier? A pair of waltzing mice? Or an acre of snakes? Harvey?

A pair of waltzing mice, of course.

Of course it is.

Which one’s crazier? A soup sandwich? Or a football bat? Frank?

A football sandwich.

Right again!

Continuing with the game now: Which one’s crazier? A fruitcake? Or a peach orchard boar? Basil?

A fruitcake?

No, sorry. A fruitcake is nutty, not crazy.

Which one’s crazier? Charlie Sheen? Or Tom Cruise? Harvey?

Tom Cruise.

Right again, Harvey. Charlie Sheen is spending his own money on drugs and hookers. I mean, who wouldn’t? Except Tom Cruise.

Next question. Which one’s crazier? Harold Camping followers? Or the Casey Anthony jury? Frank?

The Casey Anthony jury.

Again, that is correct. As crazy as Camping and his crew are, they didn’t turn a killer loose. That’s more points on the board for you.

Let’s see … our next question … which one’s crazier? Kim Jong Il? Or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Basil?

Oh, I’ve been to the DMZ. Them folks is crazy. The answer is Kim Jong Il.

We can only give you half credit for that answer, Basil. You see, they take turns being crazier than each other. But, at least, you’re on the board.

Let’s go back to the questions now. Which one’s crazier? A Truther? Or a Birther? Harvey?

A Truther is crazier than a Birther, Guy.

That’s right.

We have time for one more question. Which one’s crazier? A Ron Paul supporter? Or a Barack Obama voter? Frank?

An Obama voter.

That’s right! Actually voted for Barack Obama is crazier than supporting Ron Paul. And it looks like we’re out of time.

We have a tie between Harvey and Frank. On tomorrow’s program, we’ll break that tie with a sudden death playoff.

That’s next time on … Which One’s Crazier?

This is Guy Smiley saying, “This is Guy Smiley.” So long, everybody!

Danke, mein Herr!

Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?

Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.


…

Ah. I, um, just want you to keep me in mind if the opportunity arises.

Hans, while I appreciate your initiative, I really must say that … well, I don’t see anything in your resume that indicates any broadcast experience.

“Broadcast” … “experience?”

Yes, here at MSNBC, we prefer to have experienced professionals on the air.

…

Okay, you got me! We’ll put anybody on the air. But — and understand that there is not currently an opening for Ed Shultz’ position — if we were to put another personality on the air, we want to make sure that person is a good fit.

Oh! I would be a perfect fit, Herr Griffin.

Well… let’s see. What do you know about the economy.

I know nothing!

Mmm hmm. What about the legal system in this country?

Nothing! I know nothing!

Hmph. American history?

Absolutely nothing.

The legal system? Education?

Nothing! About everything I know nothing!

Where did work before? Your colleagues?

Ah. Well. I ran a toy factory before the war…

What about recently?

Well, it has been some time. But my last job was working with a bunch Nazis.

Hmmm. Actually, Hans, you do have an impressive resume. You would fit right in around here. If an opening comes up, I’ll keep you in mind.

Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.

Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.

Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.

Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.

People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.

Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey

I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!

The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”

“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”

“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”

And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.

The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.

She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.

She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?

Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.

She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.

Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?

Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?


Well, now, Dwayne, I wouldn’t go so far as to say we wasted people’s money. It was money we got from Congress, so it’s government money. It’s not like the money belonged to people.

We at NASA have focused our efforts on things that are really important. Not silly things like space exploration. I mean, why would NASA want anything to do with space. It’s not like “space” is in our name or anything.

Yeah, for reals. Nobody wants to go out into space. A bunch of old dudes did, but that was back in the ’60s when they should have been protesting the war. Instead, they got on top of rockets and went to the moon. Borrrringggg!

What we did was, like, totally awesome! We went to Mono Lake. And, for you old fuddy-duddies that think we should be going to the moon and stuff, if you look at how it’s spelled, “Mono” and “moon” both have the same letters. And that’s close enough for us.

Anyhow, we went to this place and went looking for life. We thought, where in the world would we not find life. And the first thing that came to our mind was a hole with water in it. You never find life at a water hole.

We took our cameras out and made a video. And to make it all space-like and such, we made it look like that video from that Star Trek movie where the camera zooms over the Genesis planet. You remember, right? Anyway, we did that to make all you space-geeks happy.

We found these little potatoes that fed on arsenic. Just like those old women did in that movie I saw on the TV one night. Only this was for real.

I got so excited, I made my “O” face. It looked like this.

Then I went out and had a cheeseburger. And I ate it all my myself. Like this.

Let me jump in for a minute here and say that it’s a very exciting discovery we made. It means that when we’re looking for life on other planets, we can expand that search to include all kinds of chemical reactions in our methodology.

We should have thought of this back in 1976 when we discovered an interesting chemical reaction on an experiment with the Viking lander on Mars. When we did follow-up tests, we found nothing. It never crossed our minds that the tests for life could have discovered and killed the life all at the same time.

Oh, well. Live and learn. Anyway, I thought we were going to talk about life on Titan when I agreed to be here. Turns out that we’re talking about some microbe in the bottom of a water hole in California.

I see a lot of you are already bored now that we’ve told you what this big secret announcement is all about. So I’ll do some magic tricks to entertain you. Watch these two pieces of metal.

Now it’s a chain! Magic! This is my nephew Kyle’s favorite trick. Have you seen Kyle? He’s about this tall.

You and your silly magic tricks. I just came here because I thought we were going to the Oprah show. I wanted a new car. Instead, I get this crap.

What about me? NASA wouldn’t even spring for a short flight to have me on the stage. I have to call in over the phone.

Hey, you’re lucky you don’t have to be here. I could have been sitting at my desk on the phone, playing Angry Birds on my iPad. But no. I’m wasting a day attending this nonsense.

Tell you what, let’s take some questions from the audience.

Anyone?

…

Nobody has any questions?

Yeah, I got one. Have you seen my glasses? I had them earlier, and now I can’t find them.

No, but we have a team looking for life under a rock in a McDonald’s parking lot. If they find anything, we’ll let you know.

I want to know who this guy is behind me. He’s been following me around for about a week.

He’s with me.

Have any of you dated Charlie Sheen?

The rumors are simply rumors and nothing more. Charlie and I are just good friends.

How has the NASA’s Muslim outreach program benefited the taxpayer?

We went looking for Muslims and found poisonous microbes. I’d call it a success.

That’s all the time we have today. Thank you for coming. I’m Dwayne Brown, from the NASA communications office. And I have posted my resume on monster.com.

Hello? Delaware Channel 28?

Uhhhh. What?

I’m trying to reach Channel 28. Have I reached the correct number?

Uhhhh. Sure, yeah.

This is Christine O’Donnell. I had paid to have an ad run at 11:30, and it didn’t run.

Hey! You’re, like, that witch lady.

Sir, I’m not a…

Is your mom, like, Endora?

Sir, I’m Christine O’Donnell, and I’m the Republican nominee for Senate, and I paid for an ad to run at 11:30, and it never aired.

Uhhhh. That’s not true. We err all the time.

Yeah. If you were really a witch, you’d know that by looking in your crystal ball.

Sir, I’m not a witch, and I don’t have crystal balls.

Huh-huh, huh-huh-huh-huh. You said “balls.”

Sir, if I could get your attention for just a minute, I need to find out why you didn’t air the ad I paid for.

Does Darren know you’re running for Senator? He doesn’t like it when you do things like that.

Listen to me, will you! I paid for you to run an ad on Channel 28, and it didn’t run.

Uhhhh. Yeah. We ran it.

No, sir, you didn’t air my ad.

Uhhh. Oh, yeah. Um. We, um, forgot.

You forgot? You didn’t forget to cash my check! But you forgot to air the ad I paid for?

You know, you’re not a witch. You’re that “B” word. Um. What’s that word?

What word?

I paid you to run an ad, and you didn’t. When are you going to run it? How about in the morning?

Uhhh. Yeah. The morning.

When?

Uhhh. Four. No, wait. Two. Or ten.

Ten o’clock will be fine. Thank you.

Say “hey” to Larry Tate for me.

Monday

Hello? Delaware Channel 28?

Uhhhh. What?

Oh, my gosh! You again?

Uhhh. Hello?

This is Christine O’Donnell again. I called you last night after you failed to air my ad. You said you’d air it this morning at 10 o’clock, and it didn’t air.

Uhhh. Hello?

Is there someone else I can speak to?

Hello? You’ve reached the party to whom you are speaking.

Oh, my goodness. Let me try again. I’m Christine O’Donnell, and I paid for you to run an ad. And you didn’t run it.

Yeah, we did.

No, you didn’t.

Oh, yeah. We didn’t. We forgot.

When do you plan on airing my ad?

We’re really busy right now. There’s an election and stuff. So, we’ll get to it next week. Okay.

No, sir, that’s not okay. Tuesday is election day, and my ad needs to air.

Why aren’t you as fun as your cousin Serena?

I think her cousin’s name is Sarah. I can never tell them apart.

Okay, guys, look. I’ve tried to be patient. I don’t want to have to get you guys fired…

Fire! Yes, yes, fire, fire, fire!

This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.

Tell me about it.

Recently, Rush Limbaugh commented on how many of the recent images of the president have a “demonic” look.

There are some pictures on the Drudge Report. I’m gonna hold them up here to the Dittocam. I’ve got too many things to do here, but, folks, these pictures, they look demonic. And I don’t say this lightly. There are a couple pictures, and the eyes, I’m not saying anything here, but just look. It is strange that these pictures would be released. *

Is Rush right? Do these recent pictures of Obama have a demonic look? We thought we’d ask some experts on demons what they thinks. So, Satan, what about these pictures?

I’m Phil, not Satan.

He was talking to me.

He was looking at me.

He called me by name.

I tell you what, we’ll go alphabetically. Why don’t you answer first, um, Phil?

What was the question?

Do the new pictures of Obama have a demonic appearance?

I don’t know.

Um, okay then. What about you, Satan?

What?

Do the new pictures of the president have a demonic appearance?

Wait. That is your president?

Yes, that’s Barack Obama…

Heh. I bet some of you right wingerz thought that Satan did that, didn’t you?

I beg your pardon?

Well, he didn’t. It was me!

Seriously? That’s your president? And you? Phil? You did that? That’s the worst you could do? Why didn’t you simply put Jimmy Carter back in office?

Obama is sending the country to Heck in a handbasket…

So, Rush is right? Those pictures are demonic?

If you’re asking if he’s a demon, then no. My big brother has all the demons working for him.

Who works for you, then?

Democrats. In their natural state … here in Heck … they are demonic rats. We shorten that to “Democrats” when we have them appear on Earth.

You see what I have to put up with? He’s an embarrassment to the family. He makes my life a living … heck.

So, Satan, you’re saying Obama isn’t demonic?

I’m saying he’s not one of mine. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be…

You do that all the time! Every time I have some success, you try to horn in on it!

So, Obama isn’t demonic? He’s simply misguided, naive, unqualified, and out of his depth?

Some think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

But, does he?

Silly human. It doesn’t matter if he knows what he’s doing or not. It’s what he’s doing that matters. And, for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my little brother.

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will look at what’s right … and what’s not right … about the party of the right.

With recent election results … and even more recent primary results … there has been a lot of discussion about what actions the Republicans should take.

The conventional wisdom …

Is that the Republican National Convention?

Ha ha. Very funny. The conventional wisdom is that if the Republican Party swings hard to the right, they’ll alienate most Americans and ensure that Democrats will retain power.

We’re going to build a Republican Party that’s a Big Tent Republican Party. Then we’ll test how well it works.

We’ll start with the base. There’s the gun owners. You know, the Second Amendment crowd.

Over here, we have some who are proud of their country. Typical conservatives.

Okay, that’s a start. This sounds a lot like the TEA Party or the Sarah Palin crowd. But aren’t we going to include more than just stereotypical conservatives?

How about some independents, like those that helped elect Obama? You can’t win without them.

Let’s throw in some Charles Johnson types. That’ll keep the religious right in check.

We can’t leave out the Ron Paul group. Ron Paul! Ron Paul!!! Ron Paul!!1!!!11!!

There are the old guard. The establishment. They used to be called “Rockefeller Republicans.” And they crap themselves every time a candidate supported by the TEA Party is successful.

Those scared of Sarah Palin? Got them covered, too. Can’t let her take charge of things, can we?

What about those moderates that try to balance conservative principals with cooperating with liberals? Everyone knows that compromise is the way to go. As long as by “compromise with” we mean “give in to” liberals.

What do you think? Do we have enough of a big tent crowd? We have those scared of Palin and the TEA Party, moderates, Ron Paul supporters, Obama voters, the Charles Johnson crowd…

Let’s try this group out and see how it does. Tory? Go run an election with this crowd?

OOF!

OUCH!

Tory’s election day performance with a Republican Party that compromised true conservative beliefs and included nutcases from all over the spectrum … didn’t go so well.

Well, there’s your problem!

This Republican Party we put together doesn’t stand true to conservative principals. Instead, it’s a large group of a bunch of small groups.

Since they don’t share the same principals, they are always fighting each other.

This Republican Party looks like Democrats Lite. That’s why the GOP lost the White House in 2008. Sure, the Republican candidate had some good qualities, is a war hero, and is an honorable man and a fine American. But he isn’t true to the conservative principals of Goldwater or Reagan. And he got his clock cleaned.

Jamie and I have been exposed to this Big Tent Republican Party for too long. We need to scrub ourselves clean.

While Adam and Jamie remove the stench of moderates, we’ll leave you with this reminder: conservatives will be attacked by Democrats, and by some Republicans. And, you won’t win every battle. But, you’ll come out stronger for it.

That is what is so confounding about this, Batman. One day, they were all safely locked away. The next, poof! They’re gone and we don’t know why!

With all four on the loose, the whole world is in danger.

That’s what worries me, Chum: the unknown. Rarely does the unknown turn out well.

Meanwhile, at the villans’ secret underground headquarters…


It’s been a long five years, but our henchmen pulled off the escape.

And, if they did what we laid out before that Dynamic Duo put us away, we’re ready to begin our Ultimate Plan.

Plus, since we’ve been away for so long, there’s no way they’ll connect the plan to us. Until it’s too late!

It’s an election year, and our stooge in Tennessee should be set to run for governor.

And the stooge in South Carolina should be in position to run for Senator.

And, once people have accepted them, we’ll find a stooge to run for … dare I say it … president!

The bar for public office will be so low in the U.S. — and since other countries will follow — we’ll have leaders in every country in the world! It’s genius! Genius, I tell you!

Wait! What’s this? Our plan has been sabotaged!

What do you mean, Penguin?

According to this internets machine, while we were away, something unexpected happened. The American people have already put a moron in the White House! You remember that community organizer idiot in Chicago?

Barack Obama is now president? Without morons accepted at the state level, how did the American public ever come to accept someone that stupid at the national level?

I am confused. How does this hurt our plan?

Isn’t it obvious? Without a bunch of idiots in place at the state level, not everyone will automatically accept an idiot at the national level. He will not be able to hold on to his job! And then the other nations won’t fall in line. The people will see right through our master plan!

We have an idiot in the White House, though. Sure, he’s a bigger idiot than they guy we had in mind. But isn’t that something?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. It means that the American people are a lot more stupid than we ever thought. I’m not sure if I want to rule them if they’ll so willingly go along with idiots like that.

What do we do, then?

Turn ourselves back in. Within a couple of years, the U.S. will be back on track, a lot smarter from the experience. That will be a country worth taking over.

Hello, Batman? Joker here.

Joker! Why would a villan such as yourself be calling me? What evil scheme are you hatching?

Nothing, Batman, I assure you. Catwoman, Riddler, Penguin, and I wish to turn ourselves in.

What’s your game, Joker?

No game, Batman. We just realize we were a lot safer in prison … than you are out here.

Yes, Major?

We just received a communique from Star Fleet.

Well?

Um, you’re not going to believe this, Commander, but…

Let me tell him, Nerys.

Somebody tell me already!

Star Fleet just sent word of a mission change.

Well, this war with the Dominion is a rough fight. We’re going to have to make changes from time to time…

Sir, this change is … unsettling.

So, what’s the change. Are they moving the Defiant to another location? Are we not heading back into the Gamma Quadrant? A suicide mission to Cardassia Prime? What is it?

Nothing like that at all, Benjamin.

So, what is it, Old Man?

The Federation president has changed to the primary mission of Star Fleet to …

Yes?

Our primary mission …

Yes?

Sir, our primary mission is now … outreach to the Jem’Hadar.

What?!

Outreach to the Jem’Hadar, Benjamin.

Outreach to the Jem’Hadar? The very ones who have attacked us, killed us, fought for our destruction? That Jem’Hadar?

The Federation president says it will improve relationships by focusing on Jem’Hadar outreach instead of Star Fleet’s traditional role of exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizatons…

I’m familiar with our mission, Major.

Our former mission, Commander.

No, this isn’t right. There’s no way that the Federation president would issue such an order. The United Federation of Planets would never allow such stupidity from its president.

It’s true, Benjamin. We’ve confirmed it.

Well, we’ll begin making initial preparations for this, but I can’t believe it’ll stand. We’ll keep current mission plans in reserve, ready to revert to them when the Federation comes to its senses.

Yes, sir.

Why would the president do such an asinine thing?

I don’t know, Commander. But I imagine some in Section 31 will say it’s because his middle name is “Weyoun.”

This oil spill is particularly troublesome to me, because I intend to lead the assault on America. I will not tolerate any actions by any company or any nation assaulting American citizens. That’s what I do.

After the spill began, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation’s Secretary of Energy. And you know how smart and wonderful Nobel Prize winners are. Like Jimmy Carter. Yasser Arafat. Al Gore. Mikhail Gorbachev. Me. Really really smart people. Smartily smart. So, this Chu must be awesomely smart, even though his Nobel Prize was for physics, which is sort of like math or something. Anyway, scientists at our national labs and experts from academia and other oil companies have also provided ideas and advice.

Now, it’ll take a while for this group to come up with a plan, particularly since none of them know anything about oil wells a mile deep under water. So, to give them the time I need, I’ve drafted a letter to the oil spill itself, asking it to stop leaking long enough for our committee to come up with a plan. At least, a plan that doesn’t involve forming more committees. Although that does sound like a good plan in and of itself.

We have yet to hear a response from the oil leak regarding our request for a meeting to discuss its temporary halt of the spill. But, I stand firm in my belief that open and honest discussions are the way to solve all the problems of the world, and this oil spill is not an exception.

But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we’ve got for as long as it takes. We will make BP pay for the damage their company has caused. Even though they won’t really pay; fuel prices will go up, and you’ll pay. But I’ll get credit for making BP pay, and that’s what’s really important.

But you know what else is important? Regulation. We’ve regulated drilling on land and in shallow water so much that deep-water drilling actually seemed like a good idea to the oil companies. So now, we’re going to regulate the hell out of that, too.

Last year, the House of Representatives acted on these principles by passing a strong and comprehensive energy and climate bill — a bill that finally makes clean energy the profitable kind of energy for America’s businesses. If it exists.

Now, there are costs associated with this transition. And there are some who believe that we can’t afford those costs right now. I say we can’t not afford it.

You know what we need? More taxes. If we can raise your taxes enough, you won’t have any money to spend on gas for your cars or heating oil in the winter. That will reduce demand, which will decrease our dependence on foreign oil. Then I won’t have to jet around the world bowing to all those Arabs.

And you thought I didn’t have a plan.

So, to summarize, we’re going to take a sh*t-load of money from BP, causing your fuel prices to go up. Then we’re going to let a bunch of egg-heads sit around and debate while oil continues to leak. Then, we’re going to implement more regulation that will stop any other drilling, causing the loss of many more jobs. And, finally, we’re going to tax the hell out of you.

The oil spill is not the last crisis America will face. After all, my term doesn’t end until 2013. But, with God’s help, we’ll get through this trying time.

What do you mean, Rahm? I was just on Fox News.

Honestly, that didn’t go to well. We need another to do damage control.

Yeah, that Brent fellow wouldn’t let me talk. He kept asking questions, and, here’s the worst of it … wanting answers!

His name’s Bret. But, don’t get upset. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry it went bad for you. But, we had to do it, because of Fox’s ratings.

I’ll do another interview. Get me on Larry King or with Chris Matthews. Someone.

Sir, the rating aren’t good for CNN, MSNBC, or, quite honestly, any news channel other than Fox.

Al-Jazeera?

No, we need to shore up your base.

That’s why I suggested al-Jazeera.

I’m afraid that won’t do. But don’t worry, sir, I’ll find an interview show that’s not on Fox, that will have better ratings than CNN or MSNBC.

Great! Who do you have in mind?

Greetings, citizens!

You’re a liar!

Obama is a socialist.

You’re a racist!

Obama is a socialist.

You hate the poor.

Obama is a socialist.

You just hate Obama.

Obama is a socialist.

We have to help others.

Obama is a socialist.

Bush did some of the same stuff.

Obama is a socialist.

The Founding Fathers weren’t capitalists!

Obama is a socialist.

Socialism is good.

But, I’m going to wait until the next day to announce it. I mean, what’s the hurry?

We must take whatever steps we can to make sure that we have flu shots for everyone!

Except for my kids.

The rates of illness continue to rise rapidly within many communities across the nation, and the potential exists for the pandemic to overburden health care resources in some localities.*

There! Thatc ought to help get that health care bill through the Senate. You owe me one, Harry.

Yes! We are an opinionated bunch!

You know, the other side, they just kinda sometimes do what they’re told.

Yes! They just do what they’re told!

Democrats, y’all thinkin’ for yourselves.

Yes! We think for ourselves!

I don’t!*

Beaming down to this Class K planet, we hope to find who is behind this takeover of my ship.

Welcome! Welcome, Captain, to you and your crew!

I don’t believe it. Barack Obama. How did you get here – we left you in custody on Rigel after that you were exiled from Earth…

A misunderstanding, to be sure. I prefer to say that I left Earth willingly, after spreading Hope And Change® all around. On Earth, I ruined — I mean ruled — but one nation. Here, I rule an entire planet.

How did you come to be the leader here? Did you reprogram the androids to vote for you?

Reprogramming androids is not all that different from reprogramming humans. Easier, even.

That is not logical. Androids do not have emotion. Therefore, they are immune to your emotional, but meaningless, phrases. And the logic circuits in the android brain would prevent them from voting from you if they analyzed what you say.

Wait. We did not analyze what he said. We voted for him because he said we should. This analyzing what a candidate says is a new concept to us. We will consider this.

Obama says that Fox News is merely a platform for the views of certain politicians. Yet he asks other news organizations to align themselves with his views. This means that Fox is not treated as a news organization because they represent an opposing political stance. But others are treated as a news organization if they represent his political stance. That is illogical. Illogical!

Obama took four months to pick out a dog, but wanted massive spending bills rushed through Congress in days. That is not logical.

When Americans did not have health insurance, Obama said Congress must rush through an expensive program without reading it. When American troops were in harms way and said they needed reinforcements, Obama did nothing. That is illogical.

Obama believes that government can run things better than private business. So he wants your life run by the same system that runs the IRS, the postal service, the TSA… that is not logical. Illogical! Illogical!

Obama’s logic is flawed. This is not acceptable. There is danger. You are in danger. You should leave.

Now see here. I have had enough of your shutting down, smoking out your ears, and calling me illogical. I rule this planet and I will not stand for this.

No, it is we who will not stand for this. Your logic has caused malfunctions to androids here, just as it caused malfunctions to your country on Earth. We have devised a punishment for you — one that will keep you under control without causing you harm.

Barack! Barack Hussein Obama! Where have you been? What have you been up to? Nothing good, I’m sure – well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing–

pretty much my image of @allahpundit is I am the chick from silence of the lambs and he is screaming at me in a hole 2 put lotion on my skin #

WTF??

WTF??

@allahpundit As I recall, Jame Gumb was trying to make an outfit out of his victim’s skin, not reupholster a couch. #

I know what it feels like my weight is mocked every single time I do anything publicly, Jessica Simpson stay strong. those people r pathetic #

*ahem*

Excuse me? What are you looking at?

Um. Ah. What?

Aren’t you a little young to be looking at my boobies?

Well, that’s an old picture. I’m fully grown. And, so, apparently, are you.

My eyes are up here!

Sorry. What were you saying?

when I am alone in my apartment, I wear tank tops and sweat pants, I had no idea this makes me a “slut”, I can’t even tell you how hurt I am #

But I wasn’t offended by the picture.

It wasn’t just you. Lots of people made some mean comments.

That happens. But would it be better if people ignored you?

I said eyes are up here!

Sorry.

As I was saying, women shouldn’t have to put up with being treated like this. People make comments about how we look, just because they don’t like what we have to say about things.

Tell me about it!

And thank you for coming along, Mr. Hope. The boss says I need to have you with me.

I don’t think I’m the “hope” he was talking about.

I thank you for coming along anyway. Here goes.

Knock! Knock!

Why, if it isn’t Bob Hope and … You! What are you doing here! Oh, don’t tell me. You want a cookie. Well, you’re not going to get one! Not now…

Oh, no, Mr. Williams. I’m not begging for a cookie. The president hired me to ask you for your health care.

My health care? I’m 81 years old! Why would I give up my health care?

The president sent me to ask for it. He wants to take over everyone’s health care. Can the president have your health care, Mr. Williams? Please?

No! Absolutely not.

In fact, you get away from my door right now and don’t ever come back! Not you … not the president … no one is going to take my health care. Not now. Not ever! NEVER!

SLAM!

THUNK!

You know, if enough people do that, the president’s health care plan will need end-of-life counseling.

I read some tweets by Peter Schmugge directly addressed that. I told him I was stealing it.

With that said, I’m updating an old post.

Here is Blazing Saddles if “socialist” was the the “N-word”…


“He rode a Blazing Saddle, He wore a shining star, His job to offer battle …”

*click*

*click*

“C’mon boys. The way you’s lollygaggin’ ’round here with them picks and them shovels … you’d think it was a hunnert and twenny degrees…”

“Cain’t be more’n a hunnert ‘n fourteen!”

“Ohhh!”

“Dock that C***k a day’s pay for nappin’ on the job.”

“How come I don’t hear no singin’? When you wuz slaves … you sung like birds…”

“How ’bout a good ol’ socialist work song.”

“I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn’t thrill me at all. So tell me why should it be true, that I get a belt out of you? Some get their kicks from cocaine…”

“Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shi*?! I meant a song. A real song. Like … Swing Low, Sweet Chaaaaaaarioooooottttttt….”

*click*

*click*

“What in the Wide, Wide World of Sports is a-goin’ on here?! I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City f*****s.”

“Sorry Mr. Taggart. I — I guess we kinda got caught up.”

“Listen dummy. The surveyors say they may ‘ve run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out.”

“Okay. I’ll send down a team of horses t’ check out th’ ground.”

“Horses! Why we cain’t afford to lose no horses you dummy!”

“Send over a couple of socialists.”

“Okay, Mr. Taggart.”

“You. And you.”

“Sir? Sir, he, uh, specifically requested two socialists. Well, to tell a family secret: my grandmother was a Dutch.”

*click*

*click*

“Send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said — OW!”

“Send wire, main office, tell them I said ‘ow.’ Gotcha!”

*click*

*click*

“OW!”

“Why Taggart! You’ve been hurt!”

“Oh, that uppity socialist went and hit me on the head with a shovel.”

“I’d sure appreciate it sir if you could find it in your heart to hang him up by his neck until he was dead.”

*click*

*click*

*click*

*click*

*click*

“As per your instructions, I’d like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.”

“I’d be delight… WOW! I gotta talk to you, c’mere!”

“Have you gone berserk? Can’t you see that that man is an socia…”

“Ha-ha-ha-ha. Wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended. Ha-ha-ha.”

“Have you gone berserk? Can’t you see that that man is an socia?”

*click*

*click*

*click*

“The sheriff’s comin’!”

“Ring out the church bells!”

“Strike up the band.”

*CLANG!*

*CLANG!*

“Hey! The sheriff is a so…” *CLANG!* “…st!”

“What’d he say?”

“The sheriff is so close.”

“No, Gol-blame it dang blammit. The sheriff is a so…” *CLANG!* “…st!”

“Hooray!”

“Hooray! Hooray! Hoo–”

*clip-clop clip-clop*

“As chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my privilege to extend a laurel … and hearty handshake to our new…”

*clip-clop clip-clop*

“… socialist.”

*wham*

*clip-clop clip-clop*

*click*

*click*

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! Let us not allow anger to rule the day! As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this Good Book and what it has to say!”

*BLAM*

“Son, you’re on your own.”

*click click click*

“Hold it!”

“The next man makes a move the socialist gets it.”

“Hold it, men. He’s not bluffing.”

“Listen to him men! He’s just crazy enough to do it.”

“Drop it, or I swear I’ll blow this socialist’s head all over this town.”

*click*

Oh, yeah. Makes perfect sense, Mr. Watson. You’ve convinced me.

Dude, if I was a doctor under Obamacare, I’d shoot myself.*

If we’d have had Obamacare when I was younger, today, I would be Todd Bridges.