Mr. President, we need to schedule another interview.

What do you mean, Rahm? I was just on Fox News.

Honestly, that didn’t go to well. We need another to do damage control.

Yeah, that Brent fellow wouldn’t let me talk. He kept asking questions, and, here’s the worst of it … wanting answers!

His name’s Bret. But, don’t get upset. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry it went bad for you. But, we had to do it, because of Fox’s ratings.

I’ll do another interview. Get me on Larry King or with Chris Matthews. Someone.

Sir, the rating aren’t good for CNN, MSNBC, or, quite honestly, any news channel other than Fox.

Al-Jazeera?

No, we need to shore up your base.

That’s why I suggested al-Jazeera.

I’m afraid that won’t do. But don’t worry, sir, I’ll find an interview show that’s not on Fox, that will have better ratings than CNN or MSNBC.

Great! Who do you have in mind?

Greetings, citizens!

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Obama is a socialist.

You’re a liar!

Obama is a socialist.

You’re a racist!

Obama is a socialist.

You hate the poor.

Obama is a socialist.

You just hate Obama.

Obama is a socialist.

We have to help others.

Obama is a socialist.

Bush did some of the same stuff.

Obama is a socialist.

The Founding Fathers weren’t capitalists!

Obama is a socialist.

Socialism is good.

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I am declaring a national emergency over the H1N1 virus. It’s an emergency, so I’m signing it now.

But, I’m going to wait until the next day to announce it. I mean, what’s the hurry?

We must take whatever steps we can to make sure that we have flu shots for everyone!

Except for my kids.

The rates of illness continue to rise rapidly within many communities across the nation, and the potential exists for the pandemic to overburden health care resources in some localities.*

There! Thatc ought to help get that health care bill through the Senate. You owe me one, Harry.

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Democrats are an opinionated bunch.

Yes! We are an opinionated bunch!

You know, the other side, they just kinda sometimes do what they’re told.

Yes! They just do what they’re told!

Democrats, y’all thinkin’ for yourselves.

Yes! We think for ourselves!

I don’t!*

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Captain’s log, stardate 4513.3. After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been underway at warp 7 for four days. Now, we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.

Beaming down to this Class K planet, we hope to find who is behind this takeover of my ship.

Welcome! Welcome, Captain, to you and your crew!

I don’t believe it. Barack Obama. How did you get here – we left you in custody on Rigel after that you were exiled from Earth…

A misunderstanding, to be sure. I prefer to say that I left Earth willingly, after spreading Hope And Change® all around. On Earth, I ruined — I mean ruled — but one nation. Here, I rule an entire planet.

How did you come to be the leader here? Did you reprogram the androids to vote for you?

Reprogramming androids is not all that different from reprogramming humans. Easier, even.

That is not logical. Androids do not have emotion. Therefore, they are immune to your emotional, but meaningless, phrases. And the logic circuits in the android brain would prevent them from voting from you if they analyzed what you say.

Wait. We did not analyze what he said. We voted for him because he said we should. This analyzing what a candidate says is a new concept to us. We will consider this.

Obama says that Fox News is merely a platform for the views of certain politicians. Yet he asks other news organizations to align themselves with his views. This means that Fox is not treated as a news organization because they represent an opposing political stance. But others are treated as a news organization if they represent his political stance. That is illogical. Illogical!

Obama took four months to pick out a dog, but wanted massive spending bills rushed through Congress in days. That is not logical.

When Americans did not have health insurance, Obama said Congress must rush through an expensive program without reading it. When American troops were in harms way and said they needed reinforcements, Obama did nothing. That is illogical.

Obama believes that government can run things better than private business. So he wants your life run by the same system that runs the IRS, the postal service, the TSA… that is not logical. Illogical! Illogical!

Obama’s logic is flawed. This is not acceptable. There is danger. You are in danger. You should leave.

Now see here. I have had enough of your shutting down, smoking out your ears, and calling me illogical. I rule this planet and I will not stand for this.

No, it is we who will not stand for this. Your logic has caused malfunctions to androids here, just as it caused malfunctions to your country on Earth. We have devised a punishment for you — one that will keep you under control without causing you harm.

Barack! Barack Hussein Obama! Where have you been? What have you been up to? Nothing good, I’m sure – well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing–

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Let’s see what’s on the Twitter today…

pretty much my image of @allahpundit is I am the chick from silence of the lambs and he is screaming at me in a hole 2 put lotion on my skin #

WTF??

WTF??

@allahpundit As I recall, Jame Gumb was trying to make an outfit out of his victim’s skin, not reupholster a couch. #

I know what it feels like my weight is mocked every single time I do anything publicly, Jessica Simpson stay strong. those people r pathetic #

*ahem*

Excuse me? What are you looking at?

Um. Ah. What?

Aren’t you a little young to be looking at my boobies?

Well, that’s an old picture. I’m fully grown. And, so, apparently, are you.

My eyes are up here!

Sorry. What were you saying?

when I am alone in my apartment, I wear tank tops and sweat pants, I had no idea this makes me a “slut”, I can’t even tell you how hurt I am #

But I wasn’t offended by the picture.

It wasn’t just you. Lots of people made some mean comments.

That happens. But would it be better if people ignored you?

I said eyes are up here!

Sorry.

As I was saying, women shouldn’t have to put up with being treated like this. People make comments about how we look, just because they don’t like what we have to say about things.

Tell me about it!

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Well, here’s Mr. Williams’ house. I hope I have better luck now than I did all those years ago.

And thank you for coming along, Mr. Hope. The boss says I need to have you with me.

I don’t think I’m the “hope” he was talking about.

I thank you for coming along anyway. Here goes.

Knock! Knock!

Why, if it isn’t Bob Hope and … You! What are you doing here! Oh, don’t tell me. You want a cookie. Well, you’re not going to get one! Not now…

Oh, no, Mr. Williams. I’m not begging for a cookie. The president hired me to ask you for your health care.

My health care? I’m 81 years old! Why would I give up my health care?

The president sent me to ask for it. He wants to take over everyone’s health care. Can the president have your health care, Mr. Williams? Please?

No! Absolutely not.

In fact, you get away from my door right now and don’t ever come back! Not you … not the president … no one is going to take my health care. Not now. Not ever! NEVER!

SLAM!

THUNK!

You know, if enough people do that, the president’s health care plan will need end-of-life counseling.

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When it was reported last week that MSNBC’s Carlos Watson started to wonder if socialist is the new N-Word, I was at a loss for words. Until today.

I read some tweets by Peter Schmugge directly addressed that. I told him I was stealing it.

With that said, I’m updating an old post.

Here is Blazing Saddles if “socialist” was the the “N-word”…
(more…)

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If Obamacare passes and I have to go to the hospital, I’d have to wait until 2258 to finally see my doctor.*

Dude, if I was a doctor under Obamacare, I’d shoot myself.*

If we’d have had Obamacare when I was younger, today, I would be Todd Bridges.

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Hi there! You may know me from the Six Flags amusement parks. But today, I’m here to tell you about the new government flags program. Sounds like fun, huh?

The Obama administration and the Democratic party are looking out for your best interests. And it all begins with health care.

The administration knows what’s best. And the best thing for you is to help push the health care bill through the Congress.

But, you know what? There are swastika-carrying people that are showing up, doing un-American things like asking questions and protesting that representatives are going against the will of the people.

To help us, here’s what you can do: report them!

Yes, simply send an email to flag@whitehouse.gov. It’s that easy! And fun!

If you know someone who opposes health care, whether it’s speaking out against the president’s proposal at the water cooler at work, or writing dissent on a blog, send us an email to flag@whitehouse.gov … and we’ll flag them!

Later, we’ll expand the program to accepting emails to flag people about all kinds of things. When we’re done, we’ll have flags for:

1. Opposing government health care
2. Disagreeing with judicial appointments
3. Protesting tax increases
4. Speaking out against government takeovers of other industries
5. Voicing opposition to Obama’s initiatives
6. Think bad thoughts

Sound like fun? Of course it does! It’s F-U-N! Fun!

At the new Six Flags over America program, you’ll be able to flag all your co-workers, neighbors, family members … anyone who doesn’t support the party line.

Yes, we put the F-U in FUN! Send emails of dissidents to flag@whitehouse.gov

Six Flags over America! More Flags! More fun!

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THUNK

CLANK
Bring out your dead!

CLANK
Bring out your dead!

CLANK
Bring out your dead!

THUNK

CLANK
Bring out your dead!

Here’s one

I’m not dead

What?

Nothing. Where’s my $4,500?

He says he’s not dead.

Yes he is.

He isn’t.

Well, he will be soon.

I’m getting better.

No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.

I can’t take him. It’s against regulations.

The program is C.O.R.P.S.E. That’s the Cadaver and Older Retired Person System for Exchange. It’s commonly called Cash for Cadavers, but I read the bill. You can take old retired people.

Look, I’m booked up. I’ve got to stop by the Robinsons. They lost nine waiting for the new government health care. Yes, I can take old people, but the already dead get priority.

When will you be back?

Thursday.

I can’t wait till then. Can you help me out.

CLUNK

Sign here

Thanks!

Bring out your dead!

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In Plain Sight. Next, on USA.

Mary, we got a problem.

Oh, really? A problem? How could we have a problem when all we do every day is deal with people, mostly criminals, whose lives are in danger 24/7/365 and we, upstanding law enforecemtn officials are assigned to protect their sorry asses? A problem, Stan? Really?

See what happens when you try to play straight man? You’ll never learn, will ya, boss?

You’re gonna be involved with this one, too, Marshall, so cut the wisecracks and listen up.
(more…)

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Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up…
First floor: Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes. Going up…

Are you being served, sir?

Yes, we come from Iran. We look for freedom and democracy. You have a president? Mr. Bush? He help us, no?

I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Bush has retired.

Yes, old Mr. Bush, you fire. We know. We want young Mr. Bush.

The confusion is understandable, sir. Both old Mr. Bush and young Mr. Bush have left our service.

You have Clinton?

Yes, as a matter of fact. Mrs. Clinton, are you free?

I’m free, Captain Peacock.

No, no. Not woman Clinton. Man Clinton, he help in Kosovo.

I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Clinton has retired as well. If Mrs. Clinton won’t do, perhaps our Junior, Mr. Obama can assist.

Obama? I like name. We talk with him.

Mr. Obama, are you free?

I’m free, Captain Peacock.

These good people would like some freedom and democracy.

Freedom and democracy? Ah, I see. Well, um, it’s, um, like this, you see. Um, we don’t really provide freedom and democracy.

But neighbor Iraq get freedom and democracy from you.

Oh, sir, not from me. No, sir. Not from me. Not at all. We did have a man here recently that, I believe, provided freedom and democracy to Iraq. But that was wrong. Very wrong, sir.

But Iraq like freedom and democracy. Oh, it not fit exactly, but Mr. Bush tell them it ride up with wear. And that happen. Now we want freedom and democracy.

If I might beg your pardon sir, didn’t you have a free and democratic election recently? That seems to me to be freedom and democracy already.

We have election. But it, how do you say, not a free and democratic election.

Oh, but sir. There was a selective recount, wasn’t there? And there were more votes cast than people living there, were there not? That’s how the Democrats in my country do it.

You will not help me with freedom and democracy?

Oh, I don’t see how I could, sir. But if you would bring your leaders here, I’m sure I can charm them so that they will just ooze freedom and democracy.

I see we have come to wrong place.

Thank you for coming by, sir. We hope we can be of asssitance in the future.

Ah, young Mr. Obama. I was watching how that was handled that. You’ve all done very well!

Thank you, Mr. Soros.

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Tonight’s story on The Twilight Zone is somewhat unique and calls for a different kind of introduction.

Imagine a place called the United States, and there’s a little building there called the White House. On a given morning not too long ago, the real world disappeared and America was changed. Its inhabitants were sure of one thing: the cause. A monster had arrived in the White House. Just by using his charm, he took away the automobiles, the banks, the sanity – because they displeased him – and he moved an entire country back into the dark ages – just by using his charm. This is the Twilight Zone.
(more…)

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We’re needed.
(more…)

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Hello, world. It’s Earth Day.

Let’s talk a little bit about Earth Day, its history, and why it’s important to…

You’re a racist.
(more…)

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Hello, my name is Tommy Flanagan, White House spokesman.

I wanted to clear up some misconceptions about the president’s meeting with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia.

You see this picture? Some have said that the president is bowing to King Abdullah. Well, that’s just not true.

The president did not bow. No, he, um… he was bending down. Yeah. Bending down so he could look King Abdullah in the eye. Yeah. That’s what he did.

Then he … saw a ninja. Yeah, a ninja. The ninja was hiding and the president feared for King Abdullah’s safety. So he dove after the ninja and beat him up. With one han… one finger. That how powerful Barack Obama is. He beats up ninjas. With one finger. His pinkie finger.

Look at the picture again. See the ninja? Of course you don’t! It’s a ninja! But the president saw him. Because he has x-ray eyes. He can see ninjas. Yeah.

Then he saw the king choking. And gave him the Heimlich Maneuver. Yeah.

See? He’s giving him Heimlich Maneuver from the front! It’s a secret, special Heimlich Maneuver. And I taught him how to do it. Yeah. It’s called the “Flanagan Maneuver.” That’s the ticket.

The president is a hero. Because he saved the king. King Abdullah will probably give him his daughter to marry. Kings do that, you know.

Then, to top it off, he auditioned for Dancing with the Stars right there on the spot.

See? He’s dancing. And he won! The president is the best dancer ever. Yeah.

So I hope this has cleared things up. The president didn’t bow to the king of Saudi Arabia. No, he would never do such a silly thing.

Barack Obama knows what he’s doing. He’s … experienced! Yeah, that’s the ticket. He’s the smartest, bravest, most qualified man ever to sit in the Oval Office. Or my wife’s name isn’t … Morgan Fairchild.

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The president’s news conference from last night isn’t getting good press.

Notice the big monitor in the back of the room. That caught some reporters off guard.

But it made me wonder.

Suppose someone hit the remote, and Obama continued to read off the screen. Would it have made for a better news conference?

Or, a more honest one?

*click*

Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.

*click*

We rob banks.

*click*

What we got here is … failure to communicate.

*click*

I’m the king of the world!

*click*

I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers.

*click*

This is my life. It always will be. There’s nothing else.

Just us and the cameras …

…and those wonderful people out there in the dark.

All right, Mr. DeMille. I’m ready for my close-up.

*click*

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‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

(applause)

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

(applause)

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

(applause)

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

(applause)

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Any other business?

Mr. Chairman, I have one final item.

The chair recognizes Howard Atkins.

Dick, it’s no secret that we’re hurting…

You can say that again.

Damn, Bob, you’re someone to talk.

As I was saying, we’re hurting. A year ago, our stock was over $33 a share. And, less than 5 months ago, we were nearly $40 a share. We’re barely 1/3 of that today.

Well, you’re Chief Financial Officer, Howard. What are you suggesting?
(more…)

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