Economic advice


What can we do for you, Mr. President?


Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.


You need to give a speech!


Speech! Give a speech!


Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

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Which One’s Crazier?

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The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Guy Smiley
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One's Crazier
Which One’s Crazier?

Guy Smiley
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

Frank J
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Guy Smiley
Frank, what do you do for a living?

Frank J
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Guy Smiley
Our next contestant…

Harvey
All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Guy Smiley
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

Harvey
You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

Guy Smiley
And, finally…

Basil
Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Guy Smiley
Where do you work, Basil?

Basil
You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Guy Smiley
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
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Replacing Ed Schultz


Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.


Danke, mein Herr!


Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?


Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
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The $25,000 Pyramid


You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.


Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.


Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.


People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.


Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey


I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

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The obligatory “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” parody


Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…


But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!


The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.


It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.


But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.


But,
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”


“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”


“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”


And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.


The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.


She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.


She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?


Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.


She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

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NASA discovers life on Earth


Hello, I’m Dwayne Brown, NASA’s token black guy. And I’m here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they’ve discovered life on Earth.


Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.


Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?


Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?
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It doesn’t ad up

Sunday


Hello? Delaware Channel 28?


Uhhhh. What?


I’m trying to reach Channel 28. Have I reached the correct number?


Uhhhh. Sure, yeah.


This is Christine O’Donnell. I had paid to have an ad run at 11:30, and it didn’t run.
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Demonic?

Basil
Thanks for joining us for our interview today. First, some background…


Recently, Rush Limbaugh commented on how many of the recent images of the president have a “demonic” look.

There are some pictures on the Drudge Report. I’m gonna hold them up here to the Dittocam. I’ve got too many things to do here, but, folks, these pictures, they look demonic. And I don’t say this lightly. There are a couple pictures, and the eyes, I’m not saying anything here, but just look. It is strange that these pictures would be released. *

Basil
Is Rush right? Do these recent pictures of Obama have a demonic look? We thought we’d ask some experts on demons what they thinks. So, Satan, what about these pictures?


I’m Phil, not Satan.


He was talking to me.


He was looking at me.


He called me by name.

Basil
I tell you what, we’ll go alphabetically. Why don’t you answer first, um, Phil?


What was the question?

Basil
Do the new pictures of Obama have a demonic appearance?


I don’t know.

Basil
Um, okay then. What about you, Satan?


What?

Basil
Do the new pictures of the president have a demonic appearance?


Wait. That is your president?

Basil
Yes, that’s Barack Obama…


Heh. I bet some of you right wingerz thought that Satan did that, didn’t you?

Basil
I beg your pardon?


Well, he didn’t. It was me!


Seriously? That’s your president? And you? Phil? You did that? That’s the worst you could do? Why didn’t you simply put Jimmy Carter back in office?


Obama is sending the country to Heck in a handbasket…

Basil
So, Rush is right? Those pictures are demonic?


If you’re asking if he’s a demon, then no. My big brother has all the demons working for him.

Basil
Who works for you, then?


Democrats. In their natural state … here in Heck … they are demonic rats. We shorten that to “Democrats” when we have them appear on Earth.


You see what I have to put up with? He’s an embarrassment to the family. He makes my life a living … heck.

Basil
So, Satan, you’re saying Obama isn’t demonic?


I’m saying he’s not one of mine. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be…


You do that all the time! Every time I have some success, you try to horn in on it!

Basil
So, Obama isn’t demonic? He’s simply misguided, naive, unqualified, and out of his depth?


Some think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Basil
But, does he?


Silly human. It doesn’t matter if he knows what he’s doing or not. It’s what he’s doing that matters. And, for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my little brother.

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Mythbusters: Republicans


Tonight … on “Mythbusters” … we’ll look at myths about today’s Republican Party.

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will look at what’s right … and what’s not right … about the party of the right.


With recent election results … and even more recent primary results … there has been a lot of discussion about what actions the Republicans should take.


The conventional wisdom …


Is that the Republican National Convention?


Ha ha. Very funny. The conventional wisdom is that if the Republican Party swings hard to the right, they’ll alienate most Americans and ensure that Democrats will retain power.


We’re going to build a Republican Party that’s a Big Tent Republican Party. Then we’ll test how well it works.


We’ll start with the base. There’s the gun owners. You know, the Second Amendment crowd.


Over here, we have some who are proud of their country. Typical conservatives.


Okay, that’s a start. This sounds a lot like the TEA Party or the Sarah Palin crowd. But aren’t we going to include more than just stereotypical conservatives?


How about some independents, like those that helped elect Obama? You can’t win without them.


Let’s throw in some Charles Johnson types. That’ll keep the religious right in check.


We can’t leave out the Ron Paul group. Ron Paul! Ron Paul!!! Ron Paul!!1!!!11!!


There are the old guard. The establishment. They used to be called “Rockefeller Republicans.” And they crap themselves every time a candidate supported by the TEA Party is successful.


Those scared of Sarah Palin? Got them covered, too. Can’t let her take charge of things, can we?


What about those moderates that try to balance conservative principals with cooperating with liberals? Everyone knows that compromise is the way to go. As long as by “compromise with” we mean “give in to” liberals.


What do you think? Do we have enough of a big tent crowd? We have those scared of Palin and the TEA Party, moderates, Ron Paul supporters, Obama voters, the Charles Johnson crowd…


Let’s try this group out and see how it does. Tory? Go run an election with this crowd?


OOF!


OUCH!


Tory’s election day performance with a Republican Party that compromised true conservative beliefs and included nutcases from all over the spectrum … didn’t go so well.


Well, there’s your problem!


This Republican Party we put together doesn’t stand true to conservative principals. Instead, it’s a large group of a bunch of small groups.


Since they don’t share the same principals, they are always fighting each other.


This Republican Party looks like Democrats Lite. That’s why the GOP lost the White House in 2008. Sure, the Republican candidate had some good qualities, is a war hero, and is an honorable man and a fine American. But he isn’t true to the conservative principals of Goldwater or Reagan. And he got his clock cleaned.


Jamie and I have been exposed to this Big Tent Republican Party for too long. We need to scrub ourselves clean.


While Adam and Jamie remove the stench of moderates, we’ll leave you with this reminder: conservatives will be attacked by Democrats, and by some Republicans. And, you won’t win every battle. But, you’ll come out stronger for it.

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Batman: The Ultimate Plan


I don’t understand it, Commissioner. Four super villans who spent the last five years in solitary confinement have escaped, and we have no idea what their plan is?


That is what is so confounding about this, Batman. One day, they were all safely locked away. The next, poof! They’re gone and we don’t know why!


With all four on the loose, the whole world is in danger.


That’s what worries me, Chum: the unknown. Rarely does the unknown turn out well.


Meanwhile, at the villans’ secret underground headquarters…
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