The $25,000 Pyramid


You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.


Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.


Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.


People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.


Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey


I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

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The obligatory “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” parody


Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…


But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!


The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.


It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.


But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.


But,
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”


“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”


“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”


And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.


The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.


She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.


She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?


Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.


She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

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NASA discovers life on Earth


Hello, I’m Dwayne Brown, NASA’s token black guy. And I’m here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they’ve discovered life on Earth.


Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.


Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?


Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?
Continue reading ‘NASA discovers life on Earth’ »

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It doesn’t ad up

Sunday


Hello? Delaware Channel 28?


Uhhhh. What?


I’m trying to reach Channel 28. Have I reached the correct number?


Uhhhh. Sure, yeah.


This is Christine O’Donnell. I had paid to have an ad run at 11:30, and it didn’t run.
Continue reading ‘It doesn’t ad up’ »

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Demonic?

Basil
Thanks for joining us for our interview today. First, some background…


Recently, Rush Limbaugh commented on how many of the recent images of the president have a “demonic” look.

There are some pictures on the Drudge Report. I’m gonna hold them up here to the Dittocam. I’ve got too many things to do here, but, folks, these pictures, they look demonic. And I don’t say this lightly. There are a couple pictures, and the eyes, I’m not saying anything here, but just look. It is strange that these pictures would be released. *

Basil
Is Rush right? Do these recent pictures of Obama have a demonic look? We thought we’d ask some experts on demons what they thinks. So, Satan, what about these pictures?


I’m Phil, not Satan.


He was talking to me.


He was looking at me.


He called me by name.

Basil
I tell you what, we’ll go alphabetically. Why don’t you answer first, um, Phil?


What was the question?

Basil
Do the new pictures of Obama have a demonic appearance?


I don’t know.

Basil
Um, okay then. What about you, Satan?


What?

Basil
Do the new pictures of the president have a demonic appearance?


Wait. That is your president?

Basil
Yes, that’s Barack Obama…


Heh. I bet some of you right wingerz thought that Satan did that, didn’t you?

Basil
I beg your pardon?


Well, he didn’t. It was me!


Seriously? That’s your president? And you? Phil? You did that? That’s the worst you could do? Why didn’t you simply put Jimmy Carter back in office?


Obama is sending the country to Heck in a handbasket…

Basil
So, Rush is right? Those pictures are demonic?


If you’re asking if he’s a demon, then no. My big brother has all the demons working for him.

Basil
Who works for you, then?


Democrats. In their natural state … here in Heck … they are demonic rats. We shorten that to “Democrats” when we have them appear on Earth.


You see what I have to put up with? He’s an embarrassment to the family. He makes my life a living … heck.

Basil
So, Satan, you’re saying Obama isn’t demonic?


I’m saying he’s not one of mine. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be…


You do that all the time! Every time I have some success, you try to horn in on it!

Basil
So, Obama isn’t demonic? He’s simply misguided, naive, unqualified, and out of his depth?


Some think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Basil
But, does he?


Silly human. It doesn’t matter if he knows what he’s doing or not. It’s what he’s doing that matters. And, for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my little brother.

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Mythbusters: Republicans


Tonight … on “Mythbusters” … we’ll look at myths about today’s Republican Party.

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will look at what’s right … and what’s not right … about the party of the right.


With recent election results … and even more recent primary results … there has been a lot of discussion about what actions the Republicans should take.


The conventional wisdom …


Is that the Republican National Convention?


Ha ha. Very funny. The conventional wisdom is that if the Republican Party swings hard to the right, they’ll alienate most Americans and ensure that Democrats will retain power.


We’re going to build a Republican Party that’s a Big Tent Republican Party. Then we’ll test how well it works.


We’ll start with the base. There’s the gun owners. You know, the Second Amendment crowd.


Over here, we have some who are proud of their country. Typical conservatives.


Okay, that’s a start. This sounds a lot like the TEA Party or the Sarah Palin crowd. But aren’t we going to include more than just stereotypical conservatives?


How about some independents, like those that helped elect Obama? You can’t win without them.


Let’s throw in some Charles Johnson types. That’ll keep the religious right in check.


We can’t leave out the Ron Paul group. Ron Paul! Ron Paul!!! Ron Paul!!1!!!11!!


There are the old guard. The establishment. They used to be called “Rockefeller Republicans.” And they crap themselves every time a candidate supported by the TEA Party is successful.


Those scared of Sarah Palin? Got them covered, too. Can’t let her take charge of things, can we?


What about those moderates that try to balance conservative principals with cooperating with liberals? Everyone knows that compromise is the way to go. As long as by “compromise with” we mean “give in to” liberals.


What do you think? Do we have enough of a big tent crowd? We have those scared of Palin and the TEA Party, moderates, Ron Paul supporters, Obama voters, the Charles Johnson crowd…


Let’s try this group out and see how it does. Tory? Go run an election with this crowd?


OOF!


OUCH!


Tory’s election day performance with a Republican Party that compromised true conservative beliefs and included nutcases from all over the spectrum … didn’t go so well.


Well, there’s your problem!


This Republican Party we put together doesn’t stand true to conservative principals. Instead, it’s a large group of a bunch of small groups.


Since they don’t share the same principals, they are always fighting each other.


This Republican Party looks like Democrats Lite. That’s why the GOP lost the White House in 2008. Sure, the Republican candidate had some good qualities, is a war hero, and is an honorable man and a fine American. But he isn’t true to the conservative principals of Goldwater or Reagan. And he got his clock cleaned.


Jamie and I have been exposed to this Big Tent Republican Party for too long. We need to scrub ourselves clean.


While Adam and Jamie remove the stench of moderates, we’ll leave you with this reminder: conservatives will be attacked by Democrats, and by some Republicans. And, you won’t win every battle. But, you’ll come out stronger for it.

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Batman: The Ultimate Plan


I don’t understand it, Commissioner. Four super villans who spent the last five years in solitary confinement have escaped, and we have no idea what their plan is?


That is what is so confounding about this, Batman. One day, they were all safely locked away. The next, poof! They’re gone and we don’t know why!


With all four on the loose, the whole world is in danger.


That’s what worries me, Chum: the unknown. Rarely does the unknown turn out well.


Meanwhile, at the villans’ secret underground headquarters…
Continue reading ‘Batman: The Ultimate Plan’ »

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Deep Space Nine: The Mission


Yes, Major?


We just received a communique from Star Fleet.


Well?


Um, you’re not going to believe this, Commander, but…


Let me tell him, Nerys.


Somebody tell me already!


Star Fleet just sent word of a mission change.


Well, this war with the Dominion is a rough fight. We’re going to have to make changes from time to time…


Sir, this change is … unsettling.


So, what’s the change. Are they moving the Defiant to another location? Are we not heading back into the Gamma Quadrant? A suicide mission to Cardassia Prime? What is it?


Nothing like that at all, Benjamin.


So, what is it, Old Man?


The Federation president has changed to the primary mission of Star Fleet to …


Yes?


Our primary mission …


Yes?


Sir, our primary mission is now … outreach to the Jem’Hadar.


What?!


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar, Benjamin.


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar? The very ones who have attacked us, killed us, fought for our destruction? That Jem’Hadar?


The Federation president says it will improve relationships by focusing on Jem’Hadar outreach instead of Star Fleet’s traditional role of exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizatons…


I’m familiar with our mission, Major.


Our former mission, Commander.


No, this isn’t right. There’s no way that the Federation president would issue such an order. The United Federation of Planets would never allow such stupidity from its president.


It’s true, Benjamin. We’ve confirmed it.


Well, we’ll begin making initial preparations for this, but I can’t believe it’ll stand. We’ll keep current mission plans in reserve, ready to revert to them when the Federation comes to its senses.


Yes, sir.


Why would the president do such an asinine thing?


I don’t know, Commander. But I imagine some in Section 31 will say it’s because his middle name is “Weyoun.”

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The president addresses the nation


Good evening. As we speak, our nation faces a multitude of challenges. At home, our top priority is to recover and rebuild from a recession that has touched the lives of nearly every American. Abroad, our brave men and women in uniform are taking the fight to al Qaeda wherever it exists. And tonight, I’ve returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast to speak with you about the battle we’re waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.


This oil spill is particularly troublesome to me, because I intend to lead the assault on America. I will not tolerate any actions by any company or any nation assaulting American citizens. That’s what I do.


After the spill began, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation’s Secretary of Energy. And you know how smart and wonderful Nobel Prize winners are. Like Jimmy Carter. Yasser Arafat. Al Gore. Mikhail Gorbachev. Me. Really really smart people. Smartily smart. So, this Chu must be awesomely smart, even though his Nobel Prize was for physics, which is sort of like math or something. Anyway, scientists at our national labs and experts from academia and other oil companies have also provided ideas and advice.


Now, it’ll take a while for this group to come up with a plan, particularly since none of them know anything about oil wells a mile deep under water. So, to give them the time I need, I’ve drafted a letter to the oil spill itself, asking it to stop leaking long enough for our committee to come up with a plan. At least, a plan that doesn’t involve forming more committees. Although that does sound like a good plan in and of itself.


We have yet to hear a response from the oil leak regarding our request for a meeting to discuss its temporary halt of the spill. But, I stand firm in my belief that open and honest discussions are the way to solve all the problems of the world, and this oil spill is not an exception.


But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we’ve got for as long as it takes. We will make BP pay for the damage their company has caused. Even though they won’t really pay; fuel prices will go up, and you’ll pay. But I’ll get credit for making BP pay, and that’s what’s really important.


But you know what else is important? Regulation. We’ve regulated drilling on land and in shallow water so much that deep-water drilling actually seemed like a good idea to the oil companies. So now, we’re going to regulate the hell out of that, too.


Last year, the House of Representatives acted on these principles by passing a strong and comprehensive energy and climate bill — a bill that finally makes clean energy the profitable kind of energy for America’s businesses. If it exists.


Now, there are costs associated with this transition. And there are some who believe that we can’t afford those costs right now. I say we can’t not afford it.


You know what we need? More taxes. If we can raise your taxes enough, you won’t have any money to spend on gas for your cars or heating oil in the winter. That will reduce demand, which will decrease our dependence on foreign oil. Then I won’t have to jet around the world bowing to all those Arabs.


And you thought I didn’t have a plan.


So, to summarize, we’re going to take a sh*t-load of money from BP, causing your fuel prices to go up. Then we’re going to let a bunch of egg-heads sit around and debate while oil continues to leak. Then, we’re going to implement more regulation that will stop any other drilling, causing the loss of many more jobs. And, finally, we’re going to tax the hell out of you.


The oil spill is not the last crisis America will face. After all, my term doesn’t end until 2013. But, with God’s help, we’ll get through this trying time.

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Damage control


Mr. President, we need to schedule another interview.


What do you mean, Rahm? I was just on Fox News.


Honestly, that didn’t go to well. We need another to do damage control.


Yeah, that Brent fellow wouldn’t let me talk. He kept asking questions, and, here’s the worst of it … wanting answers!


His name’s Bret. But, don’t get upset. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry it went bad for you. But, we had to do it, because of Fox’s ratings.


I’ll do another interview. Get me on Larry King or with Chris Matthews. Someone.


Sir, the rating aren’t good for CNN, MSNBC, or, quite honestly, any news channel other than Fox.


Al-Jazeera?


No, we need to shore up your base.


That’s why I suggested al-Jazeera.


I’m afraid that won’t do. But don’t worry, sir, I’ll find an interview show that’s not on Fox, that will have better ratings than CNN or MSNBC.


Great! Who do you have in mind?


Greetings, citizens!

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My on-going conversation with people that watch MSNBC


Obama is a socialist.


You’re a liar!

 


Obama is a socialist.


You’re a racist!

 


Obama is a socialist.


You hate the poor.

 


Obama is a socialist.


You just hate Obama.

 


Obama is a socialist.


We have to help others.

 


Obama is a socialist.


Bush did some of the same stuff.

 


Obama is a socialist.


The Founding Fathers weren’t capitalists!

 


Obama is a socialist.


Socialism is good.

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Relax, it’s an emergency


I am declaring a national emergency over the H1N1 virus. It’s an emergency, so I’m signing it now.


But, I’m going to wait until the next day to announce it. I mean, what’s the hurry?


We must take whatever steps we can to make sure that we have flu shots for everyone!


Except for my kids.


The rates of illness continue to rise rapidly within many communities across the nation, and the potential exists for the pandemic to overburden health care resources in some localities.*


There! Thatc ought to help get that health care bill through the Senate. You owe me one, Harry.

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Life of Barack


Democrats are an opinionated bunch.


Yes! We are an opinionated bunch!


You know, the other side, they just kinda sometimes do what they’re told.


Yes! They just do what they’re told!


Democrats, y’all thinkin’ for yourselves.


Yes! We think for ourselves!


I don’t!*

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Star Trek, Episode 41: “I, Obama”


Captain’s log, stardate 4513.3. After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been underway at warp 7 for four days. Now, we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.


Beaming down to this Class K planet, we hope to find who is behind this takeover of my ship.


Welcome! Welcome, Captain, to you and your crew!


I don’t believe it. Barack Obama. How did you get here – we left you in custody on Rigel after that you were exiled from Earth…


A misunderstanding, to be sure. I prefer to say that I left Earth willingly, after spreading Hope And Change® all around. On Earth, I ruined — I mean ruled — but one nation. Here, I rule an entire planet.


How did you come to be the leader here? Did you reprogram the androids to vote for you?


Reprogramming androids is not all that different from reprogramming humans. Easier, even.


That is not logical. Androids do not have emotion. Therefore, they are immune to your emotional, but meaningless, phrases. And the logic circuits in the android brain would prevent them from voting from you if they analyzed what you say.


Wait. We did not analyze what he said. We voted for him because he said we should. This analyzing what a candidate says is a new concept to us. We will consider this.


Obama says that Fox News is merely a platform for the views of certain politicians. Yet he asks other news organizations to align themselves with his views. This means that Fox is not treated as a news organization because they represent an opposing political stance. But others are treated as a news organization if they represent his political stance. That is illogical. Illogical!


Obama took four months to pick out a dog, but wanted massive spending bills rushed through Congress in days. That is not logical.


When Americans did not have health insurance, Obama said Congress must rush through an expensive program without reading it. When American troops were in harms way and said they needed reinforcements, Obama did nothing. That is illogical.


Obama believes that government can run things better than private business. So he wants your life run by the same system that runs the IRS, the postal service, the TSA… that is not logical. Illogical! Illogical!


Obama’s logic is flawed. This is not acceptable. There is danger. You are in danger. You should leave.


Now see here. I have had enough of your shutting down, smoking out your ears, and calling me illogical. I rule this planet and I will not stand for this.


No, it is we who will not stand for this. Your logic has caused malfunctions to androids here, just as it caused malfunctions to your country on Earth. We have devised a punishment for you — one that will keep you under control without causing you harm.


Barack! Barack Hussein Obama! Where have you been? What have you been up to? Nothing good, I’m sure – well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing–

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Meggie Mac and the Twitter


Let’s see what’s on the Twitter today…


pretty much my image of @allahpundit is I am the chick from silence of the lambs and he is screaming at me in a hole 2 put lotion on my skin #


WTF??


WTF??


@allahpundit As I recall, Jame Gumb was trying to make an outfit out of his victim’s skin, not reupholster a couch. #


I know what it feels like my weight is mocked every single time I do anything publicly, Jessica Simpson stay strong. those people r pathetic #


*ahem*


Excuse me? What are you looking at?


Um. Ah. What?


Aren’t you a little young to be looking at my boobies?


Well, that’s an old picture. I’m fully grown. And, so, apparently, are you.


My eyes are up here!


Sorry. What were you saying?


when I am alone in my apartment, I wear tank tops and sweat pants, I had no idea this makes me a “slut”, I can’t even tell you how hurt I am #


But I wasn’t offended by the picture.


It wasn’t just you. Lots of people made some mean comments.


That happens. But would it be better if people ignored you?


I said eyes are up here!


Sorry.


As I was saying, women shouldn’t have to put up with being treated like this. People make comments about how we look, just because they don’t like what we have to say about things.


Tell me about it!

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