Archive for the ‘Storyboards’ Category

Deep Space Nine: The Mission

Sunday, July 11, 2010 9:44 pm


Yes, Major?


We just received a communique from Star Fleet.


Well?


Um, you’re not going to believe this, Commander, but…


Let me tell him, Nerys.


Somebody tell me already!


Star Fleet just sent word of a mission change.


Well, this war with the Dominion is a rough fight. We’re going to have to make changes from time to time…


Sir, this change is … unsettling.


So, what’s the change. Are they moving the Defiant to another location? Are we not heading back into the Gamma Quadrant? A suicide mission to Cardassia Prime? What is it?


Nothing like that at all, Benjamin.


So, what is it, Old Man?


The Federation president has changed to the primary mission of Star Fleet to …


Yes?


Our primary mission …


Yes?


Sir, our primary mission is now … outreach to the Jem’Hadar.


What?!


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar, Benjamin.


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar? The very ones who have attacked us, killed us, fought for our destruction? That Jem’Hadar?


The Federation president says it will improve relationships by focusing on Jem’Hadar outreach instead of Star Fleet’s traditional role of exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizatons…


I’m familiar with our mission, Major.


Our former mission, Commander.


No, this isn’t right. There’s no way that the Federation president would issue such an order. The United Federation of Planets would never allow such stupidity from its president.


It’s true, Benjamin. We’ve confirmed it.


Well, we’ll begin making initial preparations for this, but I can’t believe it’ll stand. We’ll keep current mission plans in reserve, ready to revert to them when the Federation comes to its senses.


Yes, sir.


Why would the president do such an asinine thing?


I don’t know, Commander. But I imagine some in Section 31 will say it’s because his middle name is “Weyoun.”

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The president addresses the nation

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 7:09 am


Good evening. As we speak, our nation faces a multitude of challenges. At home, our top priority is to recover and rebuild from a recession that has touched the lives of nearly every American. Abroad, our brave men and women in uniform are taking the fight to al Qaeda wherever it exists. And tonight, I’ve returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast to speak with you about the battle we’re waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.


This oil spill is particularly troublesome to me, because I intend to lead the assault on America. I will not tolerate any actions by any company or any nation assaulting American citizens. That’s what I do.


After the spill began, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation’s Secretary of Energy. And you know how smart and wonderful Nobel Prize winners are. Like Jimmy Carter. Yasser Arafat. Al Gore. Mikhail Gorbachev. Me. Really really smart people. Smartily smart. So, this Chu must be awesomely smart, even though his Nobel Prize was for physics, which is sort of like math or something. Anyway, scientists at our national labs and experts from academia and other oil companies have also provided ideas and advice.


Now, it’ll take a while for this group to come up with a plan, particularly since none of them know anything about oil wells a mile deep under water. So, to give them the time I need, I’ve drafted a letter to the oil spill itself, asking it to stop leaking long enough for our committee to come up with a plan. At least, a plan that doesn’t involve forming more committees. Although that does sound like a good plan in and of itself.


We have yet to hear a response from the oil leak regarding our request for a meeting to discuss its temporary halt of the spill. But, I stand firm in my belief that open and honest discussions are the way to solve all the problems of the world, and this oil spill is not an exception.


But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we’ve got for as long as it takes. We will make BP pay for the damage their company has caused. Even though they won’t really pay; fuel prices will go up, and you’ll pay. But I’ll get credit for making BP pay, and that’s what’s really important.


But you know what else is important? Regulation. We’ve regulated drilling on land and in shallow water so much that deep-water drilling actually seemed like a good idea to the oil companies. So now, we’re going to regulate the hell out of that, too.


Last year, the House of Representatives acted on these principles by passing a strong and comprehensive energy and climate bill — a bill that finally makes clean energy the profitable kind of energy for America’s businesses. If it exists.


Now, there are costs associated with this transition. And there are some who believe that we can’t afford those costs right now. I say we can’t not afford it.


You know what we need? More taxes. If we can raise your taxes enough, you won’t have any money to spend on gas for your cars or heating oil in the winter. That will reduce demand, which will decrease our dependence on foreign oil. Then I won’t have to jet around the world bowing to all those Arabs.


And you thought I didn’t have a plan.


So, to summarize, we’re going to take a sh*t-load of money from BP, causing your fuel prices to go up. Then we’re going to let a bunch of egg-heads sit around and debate while oil continues to leak. Then, we’re going to implement more regulation that will stop any other drilling, causing the loss of many more jobs. And, finally, we’re going to tax the hell out of you.


The oil spill is not the last crisis America will face. After all, my term doesn’t end until 2013. But, with God’s help, we’ll get through this trying time.

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Damage control

Thursday, March 18, 2010 11:13 pm


Mr. President, we need to schedule another interview.


What do you mean, Rahm? I was just on Fox News.


Honestly, that didn’t go to well. We need another to do damage control.


Yeah, that Brent fellow wouldn’t let me talk. He kept asking questions, and, here’s the worst of it … wanting answers!


His name’s Bret. But, don’t get upset. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry it went bad for you. But, we had to do it, because of Fox’s ratings.


I’ll do another interview. Get me on Larry King or with Chris Matthews. Someone.


Sir, the rating aren’t good for CNN, MSNBC, or, quite honestly, any news channel other than Fox.


Al-Jazeera?


No, we need to shore up your base.


That’s why I suggested al-Jazeera.


I’m afraid that won’t do. But don’t worry, sir, I’ll find an interview show that’s not on Fox, that will have better ratings than CNN or MSNBC.


Great! Who do you have in mind?


Greetings, citizens!

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My on-going conversation with people that watch MSNBC

Thursday, March 4, 2010 12:55 am


Obama is a socialist.


You’re a liar!

 


Obama is a socialist.


You’re a racist!

 


Obama is a socialist.


You hate the poor.

 


Obama is a socialist.


You just hate Obama.

 


Obama is a socialist.


We have to help others.

 


Obama is a socialist.


Bush did some of the same stuff.

 


Obama is a socialist.


The Founding Fathers weren’t capitalists!

 


Obama is a socialist.


Socialism is good.

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Relax, it’s an emergency

Sunday, October 25, 2009 8:58 pm


I am declaring a national emergency over the H1N1 virus. It’s an emergency, so I’m signing it now.


But, I’m going to wait until the next day to announce it. I mean, what’s the hurry?


We must take whatever steps we can to make sure that we have flu shots for everyone!


Except for my kids.


The rates of illness continue to rise rapidly within many communities across the nation, and the potential exists for the pandemic to overburden health care resources in some localities.*


There! Thatc ought to help get that health care bill through the Senate. You owe me one, Harry.

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Life of Barack

Thursday, October 22, 2009 8:29 pm


Democrats are an opinionated bunch.


Yes! We are an opinionated bunch!


You know, the other side, they just kinda sometimes do what they’re told.


Yes! They just do what they’re told!


Democrats, y’all thinkin’ for yourselves.


Yes! We think for ourselves!


I don’t!*

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Star Trek, Episode 41: “I, Obama”

Thursday, October 22, 2009 7:43 am


Captain’s log, stardate 4513.3. After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been underway at warp 7 for four days. Now, we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.


Beaming down to this Class K planet, we hope to find who is behind this takeover of my ship.


Welcome! Welcome, Captain, to you and your crew!


I don’t believe it. Barack Obama. How did you get here – we left you in custody on Rigel after that you were exiled from Earth…


A misunderstanding, to be sure. I prefer to say that I left Earth willingly, after spreading Hope And Change® all around. On Earth, I ruined — I mean ruled — but one nation. Here, I rule an entire planet.


How did you come to be the leader here? Did you reprogram the androids to vote for you?


Reprogramming androids is not all that different from reprogramming humans. Easier, even.


That is not logical. Androids do not have emotion. Therefore, they are immune to your emotional, but meaningless, phrases. And the logic circuits in the android brain would prevent them from voting from you if they analyzed what you say.


Wait. We did not analyze what he said. We voted for him because he said we should. This analyzing what a candidate says is a new concept to us. We will consider this.


Obama says that Fox News is merely a platform for the views of certain politicians. Yet he asks other news organizations to align themselves with his views. This means that Fox is not treated as a news organization because they represent an opposing political stance. But others are treated as a news organization if they represent his political stance. That is illogical. Illogical!


Obama took four months to pick out a dog, but wanted massive spending bills rushed through Congress in days. That is not logical.


When Americans did not have health insurance, Obama said Congress must rush through an expensive program without reading it. When American troops were in harms way and said they needed reinforcements, Obama did nothing. That is illogical.


Obama believes that government can run things better than private business. So he wants your life run by the same system that runs the IRS, the postal service, the TSA… that is not logical. Illogical! Illogical!


Obama’s logic is flawed. This is not acceptable. There is danger. You are in danger. You should leave.


Now see here. I have had enough of your shutting down, smoking out your ears, and calling me illogical. I rule this planet and I will not stand for this.


No, it is we who will not stand for this. Your logic has caused malfunctions to androids here, just as it caused malfunctions to your country on Earth. We have devised a punishment for you — one that will keep you under control without causing you harm.


Barack! Barack Hussein Obama! Where have you been? What have you been up to? Nothing good, I’m sure – well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing–

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Meggie Mac and the Twitter

Thursday, October 15, 2009 9:45 pm


Let’s see what’s on the Twitter today…


pretty much my image of @allahpundit is I am the chick from silence of the lambs and he is screaming at me in a hole 2 put lotion on my skin #


WTF??


WTF??


@allahpundit As I recall, Jame Gumb was trying to make an outfit out of his victim’s skin, not reupholster a couch. #


I know what it feels like my weight is mocked every single time I do anything publicly, Jessica Simpson stay strong. those people r pathetic #


*ahem*


Excuse me? What are you looking at?


Um. Ah. What?


Aren’t you a little young to be looking at my boobies?


Well, that’s an old picture. I’m fully grown. And, so, apparently, are you.


My eyes are up here!


Sorry. What were you saying?


when I am alone in my apartment, I wear tank tops and sweat pants, I had no idea this makes me a “slut”, I can’t even tell you how hurt I am #


But I wasn’t offended by the picture.


It wasn’t just you. Lots of people made some mean comments.


That happens. But would it be better if people ignored you?


I said eyes are up here!


Sorry.


As I was saying, women shouldn’t have to put up with being treated like this. People make comments about how we look, just because they don’t like what we have to say about things.


Tell me about it!

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Andy Williams and the Health Care Bear

Tuesday, September 29, 2009 2:09 am


Well, here’s Mr. Williams’ house. I hope I have better luck now than I did all those years ago.


And thank you for coming along, Mr. Hope. The boss says I need to have you with me.


I don’t think I’m the “hope” he was talking about.


I thank you for coming along anyway. Here goes.

Knock! Knock!


Why, if it isn’t Bob Hope and … You! What are you doing here! Oh, don’t tell me. You want a cookie. Well, you’re not going to get one! Not now…


Oh, no, Mr. Williams. I’m not begging for a cookie. The president hired me to ask you for your health care.


My health care? I’m 81 years old! Why would I give up my health care?


The president sent me to ask for it. He wants to take over everyone’s health care. Can the president have your health care, Mr. Williams? Please?


No! Absolutely not.


In fact, you get away from my door right now and don’t ever come back! Not you … not the president … no one is going to take my health care. Not now. Not ever! NEVER!


SLAM!


THUNK!


You know, if enough people do that, the president’s health care plan will need end-of-life counseling.

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Blazing Saddles if “socialist” was the the “N-word”

Friday, August 14, 2009 7:00 pm

When it was reported last week that MSNBC’s Carlos Watson started to wonder if socialist is the new N-Word, I was at a loss for words. Until today.

I read some tweets by Peter Schmugge directly addressed that. I told him I was stealing it.

With that said, I’m updating an old post.

Here is Blazing Saddles if “socialist” was the the “N-word”
(more…)

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Harold and Kumar weigh in on Obamacare

Thursday, August 13, 2009 12:33 am


If Obamacare passes and I have to go to the hospital, I’d have to wait until 2258 to finally see my doctor.*


Dude, if I was a doctor under Obamacare, I’d shoot myself.*


If we’d have had Obamacare when I was younger, today, I would be Todd Bridges.

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Six Flags

Monday, August 10, 2009 9:34 pm


Hi there! You may know me from the Six Flags amusement parks. But today, I’m here to tell you about the new government flags program. Sounds like fun, huh?


The Obama administration and the Democratic party are looking out for your best interests. And it all begins with health care.


The administration knows what’s best. And the best thing for you is to help push the health care bill through the Congress.


But, you know what? There are swastika-carrying people that are showing up, doing un-American things like asking questions and protesting that representatives are going against the will of the people.


To help us, here’s what you can do: report them!


Yes, simply send an email to flag@whitehouse.gov. It’s that easy! And fun!


If you know someone who opposes health care, whether it’s speaking out against the president’s proposal at the water cooler at work, or writing dissent on a blog, send us an email to flag@whitehouse.gov … and we’ll flag them!


Later, we’ll expand the program to accepting emails to flag people about all kinds of things. When we’re done, we’ll have flags for:

  1. Opposing government health care
  2. Disagreeing with judicial appointments
  3. Protesting tax increases
  4. Speaking out against government takeovers of other industries
  5. Voicing opposition to Obama’s initiatives
  6. Think bad thoughts

Sound like fun? Of course it does! It’s F-U-N! Fun!


At the new Six Flags over America program, you’ll be able to flag all your co-workers, neighbors, family members … anyone who doesn’t support the party line.


Yes, we put the F-U in FUN! Send emails of dissidents to flag@whitehouse.gov


Six Flags over America! More Flags! More fun!

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Cash For Cadavers

Friday, August 7, 2009 7:32 pm


THUNK


CLANK
Bring out your dead!


CLANK
Bring out your dead!


CLANK
Bring out your dead!


THUNK


CLANK
Bring out your dead!


Here’s one


I’m not dead


What?


Nothing. Where’s my $4,500?


He says he’s not dead.


Yes he is.


He isn’t.


Well, he will be soon.


I’m getting better.


No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.


I can’t take him. It’s against regulations.


The program is C.O.R.P.S.E. That’s the Cadaver and Older Retired Person System for Exchange. It’s commonly called Cash for Cadavers, but I read the bill. You can take old retired people.


Look, I’m booked up. I’ve got to stop by the Robinsons. They lost nine waiting for the new government health care. Yes, I can take old people, but the already dead get priority.


When will you be back?


Thursday.


I can’t wait till then. Can you help me out.


CLUNK


Sign here


Thanks!


Bring out your dead!

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In Plain Sight

Tuesday, August 4, 2009 11:25 pm


In Plain Sight. Next, on USA.


Mary, we got a problem.


Oh, really? A problem? How could we have a problem when all we do every day is deal with people, mostly criminals, whose lives are in danger 24/7/365 and we, upstanding law enforecemtn officials are assigned to protect their sorry asses? A problem, Stan? Really?


See what happens when you try to play straight man? You’ll never learn, will ya, boss?


You’re gonna be involved with this one, too, Marshall, so cut the wisecracks and listen up.
(more…)

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Are You Being Served?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 10:36 pm


Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up…
First floor: Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes. Going up…


Are you being served, sir?


Yes, we come from Iran. We look for freedom and democracy. You have a president? Mr. Bush? He help us, no?


I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Bush has retired.


Yes, old Mr. Bush, you fire. We know. We want young Mr. Bush.


The confusion is understandable, sir. Both old Mr. Bush and young Mr. Bush have left our service.


You have Clinton?


Yes, as a matter of fact. Mrs. Clinton, are you free?


I’m free, Captain Peacock.


No, no. Not woman Clinton. Man Clinton, he help in Kosovo.


I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Clinton has retired as well. If Mrs. Clinton won’t do, perhaps our Junior, Mr. Obama can assist.


Obama? I like name. We talk with him.


Mr. Obama, are you free?


I’m free, Captain Peacock.


These good people would like some freedom and democracy.


Freedom and democracy? Ah, I see. Well, um, it’s, um, like this, you see. Um, we don’t really provide freedom and democracy.


But neighbor Iraq get freedom and democracy from you.


Oh, sir, not from me. No, sir. Not from me. Not at all. We did have a man here recently that, I believe, provided freedom and democracy to Iraq. But that was wrong. Very wrong, sir.


But Iraq like freedom and democracy. Oh, it not fit exactly, but Mr. Bush tell them it ride up with wear. And that happen. Now we want freedom and democracy.


If I might beg your pardon sir, didn’t you have a free and democratic election recently? That seems to me to be freedom and democracy already.


We have election. But it, how do you say, not a free and democratic election.


Oh, but sir. There was a selective recount, wasn’t there? And there were more votes cast than people living there, were there not? That’s how the Democrats in my country do it.


You will not help me with freedom and democracy?


Oh, I don’t see how I could, sir. But if you would bring your leaders here, I’m sure I can charm them so that they will just ooze freedom and democracy.


I see we have come to wrong place.


Thank you for coming by, sir. We hope we can be of asssitance in the future.


Ah, young Mr. Obama. I was watching how that was handled that. You’ve all done very well!


Thank you, Mr. Soros.

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It’s A Good Life

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 12:40 am


Tonight’s story on The Twilight Zone is somewhat unique and calls for a different kind of introduction.


Imagine a place called the United States, and there’s a little building there called the White House. On a given morning not too long ago, the real world disappeared and America was changed. Its inhabitants were sure of one thing: the cause. A monster had arrived in the White House. Just by using his charm, he took away the automobiles, the banks, the sanity – because they displeased him – and he moved an entire country back into the dark ages – just by using his charm. This is the Twilight Zone.
(more…)

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The Avengers

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 10:24 pm

The Avengers

Mrs. Peel and John Steed
We’re needed.
(more…)

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Earth Day

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 2:00 am


Hello, world. It’s Earth Day.

Let’s talk a little bit about Earth Day, its history, and why it’s important to…


You’re a racist.
(more…)

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Bow? What bow?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009 10:27 pm


Hello, my name is Tommy Flanagan, White House spokesman.


I wanted to clear up some misconceptions about the president’s meeting with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia.


You see this picture? Some have said that the president is bowing to King Abdullah. Well, that’s just not true.


The president did not bow. No, he, um… he was bending down. Yeah. Bending down so he could look King Abdullah in the eye. Yeah. That’s what he did.


Then he … saw a ninja. Yeah, a ninja. The ninja was hiding and the president feared for King Abdullah’s safety. So he dove after the ninja and beat him up. With one han… one finger. That how powerful Barack Obama is. He beats up ninjas. With one finger. His pinkie finger.


Look at the picture again. See the ninja? Of course you don’t! It’s a ninja! But the president saw him. Because he has x-ray eyes. He can see ninjas. Yeah.


Then he saw the king choking. And gave him the Heimlich Maneuver. Yeah.


See? He’s giving him Heimlich Maneuver from the front! It’s a secret, special Heimlich Maneuver. And I taught him how to do it. Yeah. It’s called the “Flanagan Maneuver.” That’s the ticket.


The president is a hero. Because he saved the king. King Abdullah will probably give him his daughter to marry. Kings do that, you know.


Then, to top it off, he auditioned for Dancing with the Stars right there on the spot.


See? He’s dancing. And he won! The president is the best dancer ever. Yeah.


So I hope this has cleared things up. The president didn’t bow to the king of Saudi Arabia. No, he would never do such a silly thing.


Barack Obama knows what he’s doing. He’s … experienced! Yeah, that’s the ticket. He’s the smartest, bravest, most qualified man ever to sit in the Oval Office. Or my wife’s name isn’t … Morgan Fairchild.

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Teleconference

Wednesday, March 25, 2009 11:39 am

The president’s news conference from last night isn’t getting good press.


Notice the big monitor in the back of the room. That caught some reporters off guard.

But it made me wonder.

Suppose someone hit the remote, and Obama continued to read off the screen. Would it have made for a better news conference?

Or, a more honest one?


*click*


Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.


*click*


We rob banks.


*click*


What we got here is … failure to communicate.


*click*


I’m the king of the world!


*click*


I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers.


*click*


This is my life. It always will be. There’s nothing else.


Just us and the cameras …


…and those wonderful people out there in the dark.


All right, Mr. DeMille. I’m ready for my close-up.


*click*

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