Archive for the ‘True’ Category

VP Biden Congratulates Wrong Marty Walsh (Sadly, Not Satire)

Friday, November 8, 2013 7:00 am

(Submitted by my niece Sarah [High Praise!])

BOSTON – When Marty Walsh won the Boston mayor’s race, Vice President Joe Biden was quick to pick up the phone to congratulate him.

The only problem was, the Marty Walsh on the other end of the phone wasn’t the Marty Walsh set to succeed longtime Boston Mayor Thomas Menino.

The Marty Walsh who Biden had connected with was actually a former aide to the late U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy.

That Marty Walsh said before he could explain the mix-up, Biden launched into his congratulations, saying “Marty, you did it, you son of gun.”
[...]
Walsh, who said he has received misplaced calls for the other Marty Walsh in the past, said he quickly set Biden straight and passed along the cellphone number for the mayor-elect.

Walsh said Biden then jokingly congratulated him for not being mayor.
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Sarah adds:

You would think being VP would make him privy to the updated contact lists. Or his secretary is a sadist, oh so innocently letting him be a super-fool. Someone should get him a cape.

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1 Corinthians 13

Wednesday, May 8, 2013 7:00 am

Note to IMAO readers: While we’re awaiting news about Frank’s son, due to be born, well, last week, here are some words I penned for my son, who was married this past weekend:


Son, you’re now married. Whether you realize it or not, your world has changed.

Yes, this is the dreaded “Dad’s giving me advice and I didn’t ask for any” situation that arises … well, all the time. It’s kinda what I do.

I’m gonna suggest you go read 1 Corinthians 13. Almost any translation will do. If you use the King James Version, it’ll say “charity,” but that word from 1611 would today be rendered as “love.” Anyway, go read 1 Corinthians 13.

Now, why would someone with my marriage track record be someone you’d listen to? Maybe I’m not someone you need to listen to. Then, again, maybe I am. Hear me out and decide.

Go read 1 Corinthians 13. Yes, that’s the third time I’ve said that. Maybe I think it’s important. And maybe you need to go see why I think it’s important. So go read it.

Now, about the wedding. It was beautiful. Yes, the rain kinda made things wet and sloppy and just plain rotten at times, but that was nothing but stuff around the wedding. The wedding itself was beautiful. Your vows to each other brought tears to my eyes. Everybody was looking at the two of you, so I got away with it.

Remember when it was all stressing you out, and in the elevator, when it was just you and me, I said to let those that are wanting to do their stuff do their stuff? I wasn’t telling you anything you didn’t already know; you were already doing that. But, I said it anyway, to reinforce what you were doing. You were doing the right thing for the circumstances, and I wanted you to know that.

See? You already know what to do. You’re a grown man. Now, you’re a grown married man. I’ll be offering advice, but, like the “let ‘em do their stuff” advice, it’ll often be things you already know. When I do that, I’m trying to reinforce what you know. I can’t teach you much anything new, except by example, and then, it’s often examples of what not to do.

Kinda like, “Huh. Look what Dad did. Look where it got him. I need to not do that.” So, yeah, I can be of some use, even if it’s an example of what not to do.

But, I also have some good advice on things to do. Like what I mentioned earlier: go read 1 Corinthians 13.

Oh, and this next bit isn’t easy, but it’s necessary: After you’ve read it, go live it.

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Things Named After Obama: Weed!

Friday, March 1, 2013 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to American Digest]

Our Strain of the Union is here! A leader in it’s own right. Obama, is a heavy indica strain that is great for late afternoon or night time medication. This hard to find quintessential strain is sweet and pungent. The inhalation is smooth, resulting in a full body warmth and strong mental high. All hail as you chief!

Yes, this is a real thing.

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Presidential Monster Action Figure: Baracula

Monday, February 11, 2013 9:00 pm

[High Praise! to Technabob]

Yeah, this is a real thing.

Unfortunately, you can only get Baracula if you buy the entire set of 7 Presidential Monster Action Figures for $175.

Try eBay.

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Ban Scary Toy Guns!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013 8:00 pm

[High Praise! to The People's Cube]

Yeah, this is a real thing.

Actually I support this effort. Hand this certificate to your kid after you buy him his first real gun.

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Ten times Hooters?

Friday, December 28, 2012 3:00 pm

Hulk Hogan — remember him? — is opening a new restaurant. I betcha didn’t know that Hulk Hogan (Terry Bollea) had an old restaurant, but he had a couple.

Had.

Anyway, he’s opening his new one in the old Crabby Bill’s location in Tampa.

Hogan tells the Tampa Bay Times the restaurant will be “Hooters times ten.” I’m going to sit and imagine that for a minute.

. . .

Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. Hooters times ten.

Reminds me of a story I think I’ve told before. Years ago, I took my son and one of my nephews to a Braves game. Afterwards, as we were heading back into Columbus, it was getting to be supper time. I asked them if they wanted to eat supper before we got back to the house.

About that time, we passed a billboard for the new (at the time) Hooters restaurant in Columbus. And, my nephew, being a mischievous one, said, “Let’s go to Hooters!” Since they were young teens, he and my son laughed.

Only, I was determined to have the last laugh. So, when we got to the exit, I took the heading towards Hooters, not the one towards the house. And, then pulled into the parking lot. Then took them inside.

They ordered their food and, with eyes wide and mouths agape, did their best to eat their wings. I ate my burger.

A day or so later, when I took my nephew home, his mother asked him about his trip. My nephew said, “We went to Hooters!”

Shocked, my sister asked, “Well, how was it?”

“We (pointing to himself and my son) enjoyed the wings, but I think he (pointing to me) liked the legs and the breasts.”

I’m not sure Hulk Hogan’s restaurant will be able to top that.

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I Finally Understand the Difference Between ‘Magazine’ and ‘Clip’

Friday, November 23, 2012 9:00 pm

[High Praise! to Gotta Get Drunk First (Adult language - NSFW)]

I’ve loaded and emptied a lot of magazines, but I’ve never used a clip, or even seen one in real life.

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Not So Much a Gun Ban As a Shooter Ban

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 8:00 am

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

I’m seriously considering replacing IMAO’s strict “NO IRISH!” policy with an even stricter “NO OBAMA VOTERS!” policy.

NOTE: This sign is real, and Southwest Shooting Authority is awesome.

They make Ted Nugent look like Sarah Brady.

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Anniversary, Obama-style

Friday, August 31, 2012 5:32 pm

Missed in this whole thing where Obama had to change his plans because of a trip Mitt Romney made is this tidbit:

The president was en route Friday to Fort Bliss, Texas, where he planned to meet with military service members and their families on the two-year anniverary of his visit there to mark the end of the war in Iraq.

So, he’s planning a trip to mark the anniversary of a trip?

Not that he’s marking the anniversary of the declared end to the war. That was in October 2009. No, this is a trip marking the anniversary of a trip.

If only I could write parody that was as ridiculous as Obama’s reality.

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The C-Word

Thursday, August 30, 2012 5:00 pm

Seems a Republican used the C-Word.

No, not cancer. That’s the Democrats that are saying Mitt Romney gives people cancer.

No, not, um, ah, uh, hmm, uh, “see you next Tuesday” either.

Seems there’s a new C-Word that you can’t say. According to NewsBusters, Chris Mathews said that saying “Chicago” is racist. Why? Because there’s a lot of black people living there.

I assume calling someone a “Washington insider” will be racist, since there are a bunch of black people living there, too.

So, we have a new C-Word, another word we can’t say.

I have a list of words I never want to hear Chris Mathews ever to say again. The list can be found between the front and back covers of The Unabridged American Dictionary.

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Honoring Neil Whatshisname

Monday, August 27, 2012 4:56 pm

Jim Treacher ran across this. It’s Obama’s tribute to the astronaut dude that died or something:

20120827-165305.jpg

Yep. Neil Armstrong, the first man to set foot on the moon, dies, and Obama honors him with a picture of … Obama.

Kinda makes me wonder how Obama would honor others on their passing. Any suggestions?

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The Thomas Jefferson Workout: It Involves Guns

Monday, July 30, 2012 8:04 pm

A quote from America’s 3rd President:

A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun. While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprize, and independance to the mind. Games played with the ball and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be the constant companion of your walks.

I’m assuming he was referring to soccer in the penultimate line.

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Warren’s 1/16th Mom Doesn’t Claim Heritage That 1/32 Elizabeth Does

Tuesday, July 3, 2012 3:07 pm

NO_MO_BAMA [High Praise!] pointed me to Thoughts From Polly’s Granddaughter, who’s all over the issue of Elizabeth Warren’s heritage, with documentation to back it up:

Ms. Warren’s mother is never found as anything but white in documentation.

Pauline Louise Reed, the mother of Ms. Warren, was the child of Harry G. Reed and Bethania “Hannie” Crawford. She was born in Hughes County, Oklahoma, on February 14, 1912. She was found on the 1920 US Census living in Hickory Ridge, Okfuskee County, Oklahoma with her parents and siblings, race listed as white.

She was found on the 1930 US Census living in Wetumka, Hughes County, Oklahoma with her parents, race listed as white.

She married Don Herring on January 2, 1932 in Hughes County, Oklahoma. She was found on the 1940 US Census living in Wetumka, Hughes County, Oklahoma with her husband and children, race listed as white. She died July 18, 1995.

Now does that look like someone who was “so Cherokee” they had to elope?

See also:

Elizabeth Warren herself listed “Aunt Bea” as White on death certificate.

Fauxcahontas family documented white since 1858

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Village Voice Declares IMAO New Poster Child for Intolerance

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 8:00 am

Well, Frank had the audacity to imply that Democrats lack the intestinal fortitude to lead a nation of rugged individualists, and now the Village Voice has made it a point to declare that calling Democrats “sissies” is a “fag joke“.

How un-nuanced.

Nobody’s saying Democrats are homosexual men (Barney Frank SAYS he is, but he lies a LOT).

We’re saying that Democrats show the wisdom, courage, logic, and leadership of 8-year-old girls.

Which is completely different.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Darth Chipmunk

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The Difference Between Bush’s Wide Receiver and Obama’s Fast and Furious: The Short Version

Sunday, June 24, 2012 1:44 pm

[via Doug Ross]
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“Wide Receiver [the Bush-era operation] was a gun smuggling interdiction effort that involved Phoenix-based ATF agents working in conjunction with Mexican law enforcement. It was a Phoenix border operation only. They were trying to build a case against a violent group of Mexican drug smugglers and the Mexican drug cartel to discover who they were and where they could be found. Wide Receiver began in 2005, involved 400 weapons, and all the weapons had RFID trackers installed in them. The Mexican government was informed and actively involved. The program was ended in 2007 when the drug dealers discovered the trackers that had been installed. No lives were lost.

Fast and Furious was begun in 2009 by the Obama administration and was an unconstitutional effort to build a case against American gun dealers, American private gun owners, and the Second Amendment. The Mexican government wasn’t involved in Fast and Furious. Over 300 people were killed, including two Americans. Wide Receiver no longer existed; it had been shut down for two years. Fast and Furious involved over 2,000 guns. The Obama regime didn’t care where the weapons ended up. There were no tracking devices and no effort was made to track them. No helicopters. There was no on-the-ground surveillance of the straw purchasers. The guns were sold and then walked across the border, and that was it. Four federal agencies were involved in maybe as many as 10 cities in five states. Fast and Furious was Obama’s effort to gain false information so he could use the information to introduce his gun control bill.”
______________

Although I’m very happy that SOMEONE figured out how to make the “Gun Running for Dummies” statement that the average civilian needs to get a layman’s understanding of what’s going on, it pisses me off to no end that not a single “journalist” thought to do this over the many, many month’s that Holder’s scandal was brewing.

Two paragraphs. Two lousy stinking paragraphs. Is that REALLY too high to set the bar for minimal journalistic integrity?

Media tools, please either do your jobs or get different ones.

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Proof From the Wisconsin Election: NOTHING is Funnier Than a Liberal in Full Pout

Thursday, June 21, 2012 2:03 pm

I posted the edited version of this interview of disappointed progressive liberal anarchist Thistle Petterson (aka Vera de Milo aka Pippi Bongstocking) shortly after the Wisconsin elections ended.

Thanks to Jammie Wearing Fool, here’s the full 7-minute interview:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #43,700)

I’m not sure why I find this as hilarious as I do. Maybe it’s that petulant kid-denied-candy scowl. Maybe it’s the way her eyes roll up as she scans her bong-watered stream of consciousness for the next stereotypical hippie talking point to trot out (even if it’s not even remotely election-related). Maybe it’s the way spittle flies when she sneers “military-industrial-media complex!”

Maybe all of the above.

But it’s DEFINITELY the way that – when asked what she wants for the future at 3:36 – she describes, utterly sans realization of the irony, EXACTLY how the Tea Party movement sprouted and grew.

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Awesome Nail Gun Even Awesomer Than You Thought – Only Shoots Bullets

Monday, June 18, 2012 8:01 pm

4of7 [High Praise!] sent me this picture and accompanying explanation, which he received via Million-Times-Forwarded-Email:

A must have in every home in America !

For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house!

In view of the recent Supreme Court ruling, sales of this new product may skyrocket.

Washington thinks they are going to take away our guns, so check this out. I like it!

NAIL GUNS! AND, you don’t even have to REGISTER them or have LICENSES for them!

AND, you don’t have to worry about them being CONCEALED!

Just a LOT of good stuff to do with THIS!

Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn’t normally know what he’d like for Father’s Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it:

Thank you, DeWalt!!!

New Nail Gun, made by DeWalt

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2×4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Hundred round magazine.

Someone invades your home, just nail his ass!

Turns out this isn’t a nail gun. It’s a fully-functional M-16. The creator talks about how he went about making it, and also serves up more pictures at Toolmonger.com

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Words fail me

Monday, June 11, 2012 8:33 am

Used to be, you only had to walk a mile for a camel. Not any more. Inflation, I suppose you’d call it.

I won’t even address the fact that the bounty on Hillary includes 10 cocks. I know how your junior high school juvenile minds work.

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An Open Letter to New Bloggers: The Only Guide You’ll Ever Need to Boost Your Traffic

Friday, June 8, 2012 8:40 am

[Inspired by Keln of Nuking Politics, who asked me for advice. Figured the answer might be helpful to more than just him]

You want to build traffic, and it’s going slow, and it’s frustrating.

Bad news. It’s just going to take time and there are no shortcuts.

All you can do is work the fundamentals:

Post as often as you can.

Make your commentary as original as you can.

Build relationships with your readers – comment on their comments, answer their emails, praise them in your posts if something they said inspired you to write it.

Finally – write in an entertaining fashion.

For example, I could have introduced a video of whiny hippies by saying:

“Ha ha, sad hippies.”

Which would’ve been adequate.

What I said was this:

“Mostly just watch this for the schadenfreudey goodness only attainable via the sweet, sweet lamentations of spirit-crushed socialists”.

And someone linked the post SPECIFICALLY because they liked that sentence.

Never underestimate the power of a good turn of phrase.

You’re a man on a public stage now.

Be entertaining.

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Bloomberg Busted in Huge Lie About Soda Ban

Wednesday, June 6, 2012 7:04 am

[High Praise! to Son of Bob]

Liberals can’t keep their damn math straight. Especially when it doesn’t serve their propaganda purposes.

Here’s the Size/Calorie/Sugar infographic from Bloomberg’s Facebook page:

Just at a glance, those figures seem odd, since doubling the size from 32oz to 64oz should make the calories 748, not 780.

Well, I crunched some numbers on a spreadsheet:

Basically they reduced the numbers for the 16oz drink to make it seem like a wise top-end cup size, used the correct number again on the 32oz, and then jacked up the numbers for the 64oz to make it seem more egregious.

So either someone at the Mayor’s office is abominable at simple math, or Bloomberg knows it’s a big, stinking lie, and just doesn’t give a damn.

Either way, I’m calling shenanigans.
_______________

UPDATE: Linked by MichelleMalkin.com.

UPDATE: Linked by Doug Ross

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