Archive for the ‘The Usual Stuff’ Category

Despair and More of the Same

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

I have a new New York Post column on how in 2012 Obama will have to run pretty much the opposite campaign he did in 2008 since hope and change are now his enemies.

When people are hopeful, they’ll bypass all their reservations about a new candidate (that’s how Obama got elected).
A potato could run against Obama, and people would say, “Well, a potato won’t increase spending or raise taxes. In fact, a potato could be the next Calvin Coolidge!” That’s why Obama has to crush all hope and make people believe that, as bad as things are, this is as good as it gets no matter who is president. Plus, a potato is a racist.

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The Greatest President of All Presidents in the History of Everything

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

SarahK won Christmas. She got me a commissioned drawing from Axe Cop’s Ethan Nicolle parodying my book’s cover:

If you don’t know what a President of All Presidents is, you haven’t read Axe Cop: Bad Guy Earth, and I pity you.

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IMAO Top Ten of 2011

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Let’s take a moment and look back at 2011. These are the best posts of 2011, according to your votes.

Here’s how we determined this list. You know at the bottom of each post, you can rate the posts from 1 (“Hated it”) to 5 (“Awesome”) stars? Well, we looked at the posts from the past year, limiting the list to posts with 30 or more ratings. Then, we took the highest rated ones, and are presenting them here. We’re not ranking them from 1-10, but simply presenting a chronological listing of the top ten posts of the year, as you, the IMAO reader, rated them.

Are these really the best of the best? According to your voting, yes. If there were some posts during 2011 that you thought were better than these, feel free to leave a comment telling about your favorite.

And, if you don’t bother to rate posts, well, just like in the presidential election, if you don’t bother to vote, don’t complain about the results.

Still, this list of ten is a pretty good list. Even if a couple of mine made the list. (That’s just motivation for Frank to write better stuff. Or to rate my stuff with one star.)

By the way, in the sidebar on the right, Frank keeps a running list of the top rated posts of all-time. Well, since IMAO went to WordPress in 2008, anyway. You can always check out the classics there.

Oh, one other thing. I wish I had some hard statistics on comments. Some of the comments left this year were fantastic. In addition to writing the occasional post here, I am a long-time reader of IMAO, and I’ve always enjoyed the comments here. I want to thank you for providing me with some laughs, too.

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Christmas 2011

Sunday, December 25th, 2011

The Gospel of Luke, Chapter 2

  1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.
  2. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
  3. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
  4. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David
  5. To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
  6. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
  7. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
  8. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
  9. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
  10. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
  11. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
  12. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
  13. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
  14. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
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The Night Before Christmas

Saturday, December 24th, 2011
©2000 Denise Van Patten – http://collectdolls.about.com

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads; And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winter’s nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the luster of mid-day to objects below, When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer, With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: “Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, so up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow; The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook, when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk, Laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

A Visit from St. Nicholas
– Clement Clarke Moore
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The season of giving

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

Frank’s away for a few days, taking a well-deserved rest. Promoting a book is hard work!

SarahK is busy changing diapers and cleaning house and baking pecan pie for Frank. Being a mom is hard work. Having two children around the house (a 14-month old and a 378-month old) is tiring.

Mr. Right has popped up, and may show up again. But, it’s hard always being Mr. Right.

Harvey … well you just never know. He stays busy and doesn’t check in here as much as we’d like.

SpaceMonkey? With Frank not around for a few days, he won’t be checking in and correcting Frank’s spelling. He’s a busy guy, has kids, and this time of year is busy for normal people, much less for Cosmic Simians.

And, of course, we haven’t seen hide nor hair of the others for a while. Around here, anyway.

Me? I’m traveling this weekend, spending Christmas with my son. First time in years we’ve spent Christmas together.

What’s all this got to do with anything? Well, it kept me from beginning a post like this:

We’ve all got better things to do than deal with you, so entertain yourselves. But, in the spirit of Christmas, be nice, be charitable, and share with others.

Share your favorite blogs, news items, stories, thoughts, and such with others. Maybe even things that would be great Christmas gifts for others. (Keep it nice if it’s for a Republican presidential candidate; reserve any venom for the other side. For this post, anyway.)

Maybe list things that you’d like to give the president (you dont’ have to be so nice there; we do have an agenda here, after all). Like a wedgie. Or a brain.

Or, gift ideas for others. Use your imagination.

If you want to be all nice and syrupy and give honest, heart-felt greetings, you can. But, there are two opportunities for that: there’s a Christmas Eve post tonight (“A Visit from St. Nicholas”) and a Christmas morning post (Luke 2:1-14). Those are already scheduled to appear, at 6:00 PM and 6:00 AM, respectively. But, if you can’t wait until then, go ahead here.

Give the gift of … well, whatever it is you call it.

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A Limited Time Offer

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

Once again, it’s that time of year. That magical time when the days shorten and get colder and we all wish each other a happy non-denominational celebration of your choice.

This year, why not give the gift that keeps on taking?

Presenting, “Occupy Santa Claus Lane”…

Featuring more wonderful seasonal songs that never once mention what’s-his-name’s supposed birthday, sung by the #OWS Glee Club. Like:

Occupy Santa Claus Lane

Twinkles Bells

The Little Drummer Circle

Violent Night

Also featuring some other wonderful new carols sung by many prominent progressive guest artists, such as these:

ROD BLAGOJEVICH:
Blago the Big-Haired Jailbird

JOE BIDEN:
God Love Ya, You Merry Taliban!

JON CORZINE:
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Larceny

ERIC HOLDER & THE ATF CHOIR:
Gun-Walking in a Border Wonderland

ANTHONY WEINER:
#Hacked! The Pantsless Congressman Tweets

And much, much more!

Best of all, you can just charge the cost of your purchase to somebody else! Order now!

And don’t forget to check out our past favorites:

The First Nobel (2009)

A Solstice Carol (2010)

Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!

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Is your Obama tree properly decorated?

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011

Students of history agree: the upcoming celebration doesn’t accurately reflect the birthday of the person being celebrated. This holiday has traditions that go back far beyond the birth of the One who is worshiped by many. But, over the years, the two celebrations became intertwined. There is no actual physical proof of the circumstances of birth of the child, but there are documents and writings from around the time. Though their authenticity is questioned by some, we have enough evidence from other sources to establish an approximate date and location of the birth of the one worshiped by His followers.

So, despite Barack Obama being born August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, the trees are trimmed with decorations celebrating Him during this holiday season.

What?

Christmas tree? What Christmas tree?

Oh, that thing in front of the U.S. Capitol? Yeah, some people still call it by that archaic name, but we can’t have anything related to this “Christ” person, because of the Separation of Church and State that’s in the Constitution, so…

What?

Oh, it’s in there. Somewhere. Let me look.

Okay, it’s not in the first seven articles. Maybe it’s in one of the amendments. Ah, here it is.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…

See? Oh, wait. It goes on.

…or prohibiting the free exercise thereof

Well, that’s not it. But everybody knows it’s in there, even if nobody can find it. And, as a result, we can’t have a tree that celebrates this Jesus person.

But, the Constitution doesn’t say we can’t celebrate Obama. In fact, it says we have to. I think that’s in the Commerce Clause or something. Or maybe it’s in the Right to Privacy section. But it’s got to be in there.

So, in celebration of Barack Hussein Obama, we urge you to take that tree you have in your house and get rid of anything that has a Jesus implication. Like Angels. Except Albert Pujols. You can keep him.

And watch that Santa stuff. We don’t want children getting the idea that Santa brings them things, when everyone knows Obama is responsible for the stuff you have. He lets you keep some things, and we are beholden to him for that. So don’t confuse the kiddies with that silly Santa nonsense.

We know that some traditions die hard. So, if you want to have something from that Bible book on it, maybe something from Psalms. Number 19 would be good:

The decrees of the LORD are firm, and all of them are righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold

See, that could apply to Obama, so it would be okay. But, you got to be careful. You don’t want people reading something into it and get the idea that there could be worship going on. Unless it’s worshiping Obama, which is good. And right. And required.

What if you don’t have a tree? Because you’re a Jew or a Muslim or a Jehovah’s Witness or an atheist or a Pastafarian or something else? Simple. Go get one. Gaia won’t mind you cutting down a tree for something as important as Obama. And put up your Obama tree. Like the U.S. Capitol did.

And, be sure to have ornaments that actually mention Obama. But not Jesus.

We don’t want to forget the reason for the season.

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Not Mistaking Simple for Dumb

Saturday, December 10th, 2011

I have a new New York Post column today on how simple doesn’t equal dumb and complex doesn’t equal smart.

“Still, we’re assured of how smart Obama is and that he’ll tell us his next genius idea as soon as he gets his tongue unstuck from the flagpole.”

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Where’s Frank?

Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

I’ll be on Tron in the Morning tomorrow at about 9am ET (7am MT).

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