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You’ll need to be familiar with the song “El Paso” to fully enjoy this.
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(No Ratings Yet)Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Crime Has Gotten So Out of Control in Chicago…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
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(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)Holder: “The dog ate my recusal letter. The President ate the dog.”
— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) May 15, 2013
The main function of the White House is apparently to read 3-day old newspapers.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 15, 2013
Stop telling me that civil service people are “hard to fire.”That alone is a scandal…
— Ari Fleischer (@AriFleischer) May 15, 2013
Hot singles in your area are eager to hunt you for sport.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 15, 2013
The olive oil store near my home: oil in stainless steel urns, hand written, pretentious placards. If only I could pay w/white-hot loathing.
— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) May 16, 2013
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(5 votes, average: 4.80 out of 5) (4 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)With the magnitude of the challenges we face right now, what we need in Washington are not more political tactics — we need more good ideas. We don’t need more point-scoring — we need more problem-solving.
BARACK OBAMA, press conference, Mar. 17, 2009
“Ironically, this speech itself is a political tactic that just scored 3. Nuthin’ but net! BOO-YAH!”
Send to Kindle (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)Aw, have you seen poor little Obama lately? That special guy just seems so scared and confused about all the scandals going on. And he doesn’t know anything about any of them! I mean, he’s just the president; it’s not like its his job to know what’s going on with the government.
And Obama’s all like, “Well, I guess you’ll have to talk to the Attorney General, Eric Holder. Oh, he doesn’t know anything either. I guess you’ll have to talk to his supervisor. Wait, that’s me. I guess you’ll have to talk to my supervisor then. I think that’s Bush.”
And now some people are worried that all this incompetence and lack of accountability will cause people to lose faith in government. Of course, conservatives have always said we shouldn’t have faith in government because it will constantly fail, but no one believed us until we were smart enough to get a bunch of incompetent liberals elected to demonstrate it. Now we can just point at the Obama administration and say, “See. This is why you don’t trust the government to do things. Wait… what? You already turned health care over to it?! Idiots!”
And I bet Obama had big plans for his second term — probably all drawn out on construction paper with crayon and everything. Well, maybe he can turn things around and get a huge majority in Congress in 2014 and ram through his agenda again — that would probably finish the country off. More likely, though, Obama will just flounder around lamely for three and half more years. And that’s the best case scenario for the country right now.
But 2016 will come, and then I can be elected president. And I will not tolerate any scandals in government. If I hear of one guy doing something wrong in the IRS, I will blow up the entire headquarters. I will drone strike it. And by the end of my term as president, we will have built multiple new prisons just to hold all the politicians and bureaucrats I will be prosecuting. That’s my promise.
Frank J. 2016: Make them pay. Make them all pay.
Send to Kindle (11 votes, average: 4.73 out of 5)[The group is now back at their campsite. Rick, Glenn Beck, Ted Nugent, Carl, Barack, Michelle and her pets are surrounding their campfire, a spontaneously and perpetually burning Chevy Volt. Bill is tied to a tree and muzzled to prevent his escape.]
BARACK: How can you live like this-is-is-is? Your community? It’s not even organized-ized-ized-ized. Father? Father? Father? Is that you? What? You want your dreams back? The AUDACITY!
GLENN: Michelle, I don’t want to be the prophet of doom. Oh, wait a minute. Yes I do. But, anyway, this plan of yours is suicide.
TED: He’s right. One does not simply walk into DC. Its black gates are guarded by more than just scraggly hippies. There is evil there that does not sleep. The great eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.
GLENN: Have you been to DC since this all began?
MICHELLE: Well, no. Like usual, we were all on vacation at the time.
GLENN: (setting up a blackboard, pulling out his chalk and preparing his exposition) Let me give you a history lesson. Here is a recap of what happened in DC while you were away. Mistake number 1: You left Joe Biden in charge. When the crisis hit, his first action was to invoke the DC Emergency Preparedness Protocol which recommended that the citizens evacuate their homes and gather in the local schools. Mistake number 2: He insisted on maintaining the schools’ gun-free zone policies. Anyone turning up at the evacuation site with a gun was arrested and put into temporary holding camps.
TED: I was in one of those camps. I was in town helping with an NRA lobby group. But they weren’t able to arrest me. I was too wily. I broke into the camp for my own good. Safest place in the city.
GLENN: Needless to say, the schools were rapidly overrun. They held out as long as they could, but those big red dodge balls just weren’t lethal enough. And since in DC dodge ball had been banned in schools for so long because it was considered too violent, everyone pretty much sucked at it. Meanwhile, Joe Biden had barricaded himself in the White House. Mistake number 3: When the zombies arrived, he got his shotgun and shot them through the door. That gave them the breach they needed, and they broke in and the White House has fallen.
TED: But that’s not the worst of it.
GLENN: You better tell this part, Ted. It’s hard to swallow.
TED: I’ve seen it. There is something leading the zombies in DC. It’s smarter. Faster. More ideal. It is a zombie John F. Kennedy.
BARACK: I’ve seen myself. And I, sir, am no JFKKKKKKKK.
MICHELLE: That’s impossible. JFK was shot in the head. The brain was destroyed. He couldn’t rise as a zombie.
TED: Impossible or not. I’ve seen it. I put three arrows directly into its head, and it didn’t go down. I’m not throwing my life away on your silly mission. I’m not going back there until we can figure out how to kill this thing.
RICK: So how do we kill this thing? How do we kill a zombie JFK?
CARL: Does anyone know where Lee Harvey Oswald is buried?
GLENN: (crying) And a little child shall lead them.
To be continued, maybe if I feel like it.
[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since it may violate Keln’s decency and good taste policy]
Send to Kindle (5 votes, average: 4.80 out of 5)Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…
Send to Kindle (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “To Avoid Insolvency, Detroit…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Send to Kindle (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)That’s it. We’re not waiting any longer. My son has until Friday morning to come out on his own or we’re going in after him.
Man, is he getting a stern talking to when I see him…
Send to Kindle (4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)Decided to try a red eye at Starbucks (espresso shots in coffee). Just tastes like coffee like how my dad used to make it.
They’re finally doing a Gremlins reboot? That seemed like the biggest no-brainer; I can’t believe it took this long.
It’s still a well-known franchise with lots of merchandising opportunity. Hard to believe there aren’t a dozen Gremlins movies by now.
Double secret recusal.
Somehow I’m getting the feeling the guy selling guns to Mexican drug cartels isn’t very trustworthy.
I just can’t understand how anyone could do what the Nazis did, but then again I did thumb up a Nickelback song on Pandora.
I’m just saying we’re all capable of horrible things.
I don’t trust anyone who trusts in government.
Maybe we could get more environmentalist on board with drilling if we just label crude oil as organic and pesticide free.
President Biden is going to be much more on top of things in 2017.
My son has until Friday morning to come out or we’re going in after him.
New Law: Politicians must inhale helium before speaking to further emphasize how we shouldn’t take any of them seriously.
Obama: “Please don’t politicize the government targeting Republicans.”
So, someone got fired for the IRS thing. But who is going to prison?
Conservatives are overreacting to all this. All their crazy, paranoid fears about government are only about 75% true.
Does there really exist people somewhere who watch Chris Matthews and says, “This guy is smart!”?
That’s as hard for me to understand as anyone who took Keith Olbermann seriously.
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[Source: Glenn McCoy - GoComics]
Send to Kindle (8 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the Benghazi hearings are just a Republican “attempt to politicize” the issue.
Absolutely. If the hearings were fair, Candy Crowley would be there handing out transcripts.
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| KRQE-TV/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CN |
Read an article earlier this month about a worker at an Intel plant that sued over a “kick me” sign others placed on his back. The lawsuit wasn’t just because of the sign, but because people at work actually kicked him. You can go read about it if you want.
The thing is, it gave me an idea. What if somebody put a sign on Obama’s back?
Now, I don’t know if he’d sue, but I’d be willing to take that chance. But would you?
If you had the chance to put a sign on Obama’s back, would you? And, if so, what would it say?
Send to Kindle (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)[High Praise! to American Digest and John C. Wright's Journal]
Of the two religions that hate Christianity and call America the Great Satan, Political Correctness is more pervasive and more persuasive. In part, this is because one of its religious dogmas, never to be questioned, is that it is not a religion and it has no dogmas: it is merely the truth believed by all right-thinking non-child-eating non-bigots.
Send to Kindle (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)A South Carolina teacher received an $85,000 settlement after being fired for stomping on an American flag during a class lesson.
Yeah… bet he didn’t stomp on the settlement check.
Send to Kindle (2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) (6 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]
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Send to Kindle (No Ratings Yet)“Don’t be so political!” – politician.
— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) May 13, 2013
BREAKING! Obama Blames IRS Scandal On Anti-Accountant YouTube video
— Jeff Dunetz (@yidwithlid) May 13, 2013
You want better care for women? How about you subject Planned Parenthood to the same health standards as say, your local freaking nail salon
— Amanda Carpenter (@amandacarpenter) May 13, 2013
Jack Bauer has been gone for so long the 24 universe’s America must look like Cormac McCarthy’s The Road
— Peter B. Counter (@peterbcounter) May 13, 2013
Government is just the word we use for things we do together, like audit political enemies and monitor journalists’ phone calls.
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) May 13, 2013
“Vengeance is mine,” saith the Lord. “Dibs on the leftovers,” saith the Batman.
— The Batman (@TheBatman) May 14, 2013
Soon, Obama will vow to get to the bottom of who’s currently running the executive branch.
— Kevin Eder (@keder) May 14, 2013
“Aw dude you JUST missed Iron Man he was here literally three seconds ago!” – Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD, every week
— Jon Lovett (@jonlovett) May 14, 2013
Did the IRS give The Human Fund extra scrutiny?
— Sean Hackbarth (@seanhackbarth) May 14, 2013
I write jokes but they never write back
— donni (@donni) May 14, 2013
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