October 23, 2014

Posted: October 23, 2014 4:00 pm

A new report shows that US life expectancy rose again and death rates fell.

Oh, look… one of the few things the left WON’T say is a result of global warming.

Not that it is, but neither is anything else.

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Posted: October 23, 2014 2:00 pm

“Let’s keep reforming our education system so young people at every level have the same shot at success.” —President Obama #AmericaLeads

@BarackObama

“Zero.”

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Posted: October 23, 2014 12:35 pm

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Ron Klain’s First Job As the New Ebola Czar…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

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Posted: October 23, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Hillary Clinton raked in a record $2.1 million in one fundraiser. How did she do it?

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Posted: October 23, 2014 9:13 am

Oh, little girls dropping f-bombs for feminism. Great idea, because the one problem with feminism is it’s not angry enough.

When a disaster happens, I’m always afraid of getting caught in the stampede of people racing to lecture everyone not to overreact.

Is the reason they ask for a photo ID when you go through security at an airport to keep minorities off planes? If so, I’m against that.

All those against #GamerGate want to do is hatefully dismiss large groups of people and suffer no consequences. For social justice.

Why so many shooters and such who are recent converts to Islam? They aren’t saving “don’t murder people” for advanced Islam, are they?

It could be the party with a long history of voter fraud claiming voter fraud never happens is why voter ID has 70% support.

As a child, I was always deathly afraid of the boogie man coming out of my closet in the middle of the night and starting a dance party.

So I watched the Avengers Age of Ultron trailer, and it looks sorta, well– GAHH!! I CAN’T WAIT! I WANT TO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW!!!

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Posted: October 23, 2014 8:00 am

A new poll shows that only 24% of Americans say they have “confidence” in Obama’s plan for the economy.

The other 76% say they have confidence in the 22nd Amendment’s plan for Obama.

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Posted: October 23, 2014 7:00 am

20141023MikeLester
[Mike Lester - GoComics]

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October 22, 2014

Posted: October 22, 2014 10:00 pm

Only $500 from Etsy. Yeah, it’s expensive, but can you really put a price on unassailable nerd cred?

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Posted: October 22, 2014 9:00 pm


[Lego The Hobbit in 72 Seconds] (Viewer #200,720)

Technically, it contains spoilers if you haven’t read the book, since the third movie’s not out yet.

On the bright side: no Radagast the Brown – live-action Jar-Jar of wizards.

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Posted: October 22, 2014 8:00 pm

Despite putting out a book critical of the President, former CIA director Leon Panetta said “I am very loyal”.

Nope, sorry. In this administration, that’s defined as “STAYS under the bus”.

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Posted: October 22, 2014 7:00 pm

It’s a real thing, coming to a store near you soon.

I hate to be a pessimist, but I just know my first thought when I peel back the lid will be “these bacon chunks need to be bigger”.

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Posted: October 22, 2014 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to Day by Day Cartoon]

Normally I’d embed this, but it’s a Sunday cartoon, so it’s too big for this page:

Day by Day cartoon for 10-19-14

I’m sending you partly for the “special edition” Obama poster in the second panel, but also for the pithy summary of the Ebola timeline. When you lay the events out straight like that, Obama looks even more crooked and inept than usual.

BONUS LINK:

(Submitted by Les of Nuking Politics [High Praise!])

Million Lines of Code

No matter how much or how little you read on the way down, make sure you get to the bottom.

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Posted: October 22, 2014 5:00 pm

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Posted: October 22, 2014 4:00 pm

At a DNC fundraiser, President Obama said “there’s a sense that the world is spinning so fast and nobody is able to control it.”

Or, as the Founding Fathers liked to call it: “liberty”.

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Posted: October 22, 2014 2:00 pm

“I’m setting a new goal: By the end of this decade, let’s enroll six million children in high-quality preschool.” —President Obama

@BarackObama

“My other new goal: notch back the definition of ‘high quality’ some.”

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Posted: October 22, 2014 12:05 pm

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “During a speech, the audience started walking out on Obama because…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

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Posted: October 22, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Ron Klain’s first job as the new Ebola Czar…

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Posted: October 22, 2014 11:15 am

There is an affliction going around. Maybe you have seen it in your friends or acquaintances. It usually manifests itself by a vacuous, glassy look in the eyes, an obsession with Rachel Maddow or John Stewart and a tendency to say things so stupid only an intellectual could believe them. They seem to think they are part of an elite class that knows best how each of us should live our lives, and they would like to regulate away the individual’s freedom to choose. This affliction has a name, my friends, and that name is demonic possession. We now know that this affliction is caused by possession by an evil spirit known as a Demoncrat. Fortunately, there is a cure.

Should you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering from this affliction, we, for a slight fee, would be willing to perform the ritual taxorcism to banish the Demoncrat spirit. The ritual requires the following components:

1) The Federalist Papers, The Constitution, The Wealth of Nations and the Holy Bible, any of which is enough to make a liberal spirit weep and wail and gnash its teeth;

2 ) An American flag lapel pin, equally repellent to the liberal spirit;

3) Holy water prepared from unbottled, unfiltered, municipal tap water;

4) Crude oil scraped from either an otter or a pelican. It must not be contaminated at any point by hippy;

5) Ropes made from anything other than hemp or any other recyclable material;

6) Bedding made only from the skins and pelts of cute, furry mammals;

7) Food items from any establishment that has been the victim of a PETA protest;

8) Copious amounts of bacon and veal;

9) Artificial vegetables made wholly from animal by products from extinct or endangered animals. The use of extinct animals (particularly those hunted to extinction), though difficult to acquire, is particularly powerful, though endangered ones will suffice;

10) An assault rifle, preferably a banned one;

11 ) Tanks of compressed carbon dioxide;

12) Podcasts of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Greg Gutfeld, Ace of Spades  and Glenn Beck;

13) A number of portraits of Ronald Reagan;

14) A large jar of jelly beans as a suitable offering;

15) Industrial strength carpet and fabric stain remover; and

16) Lots and lots of wet wipes.

While we unequivocally recommend that you leave this ritual in the hands of our expert taxorcists, if you disregard this warning and attempt the ritual yourself, please note the following:

1) Please ensure the subject is securely bound on the bed. Once the ritual begins, they will try to contort their body and reinsert their head into their butt as a protective measure. If they succeed, an extraction must be performed and the ritual must be reinitiated.

2) Please pay no heed to the vile utterances that will spew from the mouth of the subject. Remember, it is the inner Demoncrat speaking. No matter how often it calls you a racist, homophobic, gun-clinging, religion-clinging, flyover, redneck ignoramous, stick to your guns. No matter how often they beg for socialized medicine, do not succumb.

3) At some point the subject will projectile vomit. Don’t worry. That is normal and natural. It is the body’s way of purging the vegan spirit. Whenever this happens, replenish and nourish them with any of the non-PETA approved foods.

4) If the subject’s head begins to turn around, that is also normal. It will need to turn at least a full 180° before the spinal column is once again properly aligned and logical thinking can resume.

5) At no point must you ever let the podcasts stop playing.

6) Lastly, if things seem to get out of hand, sprinkle the subject with the holy water, attach the flag pin to their lapel and begin a litany of “The Power of Reagan Compels Thee.”

Should things get entirely out of hand, for a mere $2,499.99, our expert taxorcists will be happy to take care of the problem for you. Simply contact us at:

Lactose the Intolerant

The van under the overpass down by the river

Farmington, ME

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Posted: October 22, 2014 11:00 am

New video from Crowder.

Wash your hands.

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Posted: October 22, 2014 9:23 am

As an 80s kid, I am kinda curious what it’s like to have a booming economy while I’m an adult.

Here’s how much of an 80s kid I am: I once got a programmable robot for Christmas.

While we’re calling out people with rape allegations against them that get ignored, don’t forget the husband of a likely presidential candidate.

Has Wendy Davis asked Mark Pryor about interracial marriage?

“Hmm. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. We ruled out A through D bola.”

Why is everyone freaking out over how Renee Zellweger looks? How can we even be sure that’s her?

If you visit Alaska, most like you’re going to get punched in the face by a Palin. But you deal with it because the place is gorgeous.

If the left can get some dirt on the Palins, they’ll finally feel better for their loss in 2008.

If the problems African Americans have could be solved by voting for Democrats, shouldn’t they have been solved decades ago?

You have 90%+ African Americans voting for Democrats. Who are you fooling thinking you’ll get change by increasing that number?

Seems there should be a more even vote split for African Americans between party that doesn’t care about them and the one that’s failed them.

Hey, it’s copies of my book (out Nov. 11th)!

I always use humor to make a point. The main point I’m usually making is that I think I’m very clever.

I always remember the Jay Leno-era Doritos slogan of “Crunch all you want; we’ll make more!” It left a deep impression in me.

Don’t get all the chiding about talking about Renee Zellweger. Are we all supposed to pretend we weren’t shocked to find her unrecognizable?

And it’s not that she looks bad or anything. It’s just like “The part of Renee Zellweger is now being played by…”

“Need to investigate this ourselves. Doubt a masked vigilante will help us – a laughable notion in our present day city.”
-quote from Gotham

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