October 30, 2014

Posted: October 30, 2014 12:35 pm

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “A New Government Study Shows That the Only Way to Kill Ebola…

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Posted: October 30, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Nancy Pelosi said people should vote Democrat next week because…

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Posted: October 30, 2014 8:00 am

Asked how Obamacare’s second open enrollment period would go, HHS’s Sylvia Mathews Burwell said she expects “there will be issues that will be raised as we go”.

Also, premiums.

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Posted: October 30, 2014 7:00 am

20141029MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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October 29, 2014

Posted: October 29, 2014 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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Posted: October 29, 2014 9:21 pm

Was supposed to leave for Texas this morning, but 18 month old son had a 102 fever, one cat’s foot was broken (long story short, I installed new blinds poorly), and there was still some work left to do in the house. But God-willing, tomorrow morning we leave for Austin. That’s me, SarahK, two small kids, two cats and a dog in a little SUV toting a trailer.

Anyway, one of these days I’ll get to Texas and start my cool new job at Emergent Order. And hopefully stop neglecting this blog so much. Keep us in your prayers.

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Posted: October 29, 2014 9:00 pm

The European Space Agency brags about their comet-orbiting probe:


[Ambition the film] (Viewer #426,356)

I like this video because of the eye-candy visuals.

I’m not sure how I feel about the setting, though.

They take a hard-science topic like spaceflight and turn it into some magical-mystical mumbo-jumbo thing. It’s an insult to every nerd in every laboratory on the planet.

Oh, and that whole “I destroyed it” thing at the end. Spoken like a true socialist who feels like he has the right to revoke your accomplishments on a whim just because he’s feeling puckish.

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Posted: October 29, 2014 8:00 pm

John Kerry said that if global warming skeptics are wrong, “life as you know it on Earth ends”.

Sheesh! Bond villains roll their eyes at this guy and say “what a drama queen!”

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Posted: October 29, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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Posted: October 29, 2014 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to Hatless in Hattiesburg]

Ebola panic in New York

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Posted: October 29, 2014 4:00 pm

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel unveiled a comprehensive plan for how the US military will address the effects of climate change.

I’m really hoping it’s “ignore it and go kill terrorists”.

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Posted: October 29, 2014 2:15 pm

Scene: The White House Halloween Party. There is a ring at the door.

Barack opens the door. Al Gore is standing there. A wire with a red rubber ball attached to it is jutting from his forehead, and two wires with blue rubber balls are jutting from the back of his head.

Barack: Oh, that is just precious. Let’s see, balls orbiting an inflated gaseous mass? You’re the solar system, right? You might be a few planets shy, I think, but science never was my forte.

Gore: I am not the solar system. I am the most frightening thing there is. A carbon dioxide molecule. See, a carbon and two oxygens.

Barack: Ooooo, scary. I can feel it getting warmer in here already.

Gore: And I know there are more than three planets. Discounting Pluto, I’m pretty sure there are six, counting the moon.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: (Saunters up wearing khakis, a button down plaid shirt done all the way up to his neck and a cardigan) Hey, great solar system outfit, Al. Very accurate.

Gore: I am not the solar system. I’m CO2.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I think you are a few balls short.

Gore: No. One carbon ball and two oxygen balls. CO2.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I wasn’t talking about your costume. Rim shot.

Barack: Good one. I heard Tipper took them in the divorce.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I heard that too, but, hey, did you hear this one? During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million US. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. True story.

Barack: I’m pretty sure I heard that one on that Cosmos show. But, hey. Nice science nerd outfit.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I’m not a science nerd. I’m a Christian, so frightening in their ignorance.

Barack: All bitter and clingy like a bad ex.

(doorbell rings)

Barack: (Opens door to see a nude Barney Frank) Good lord, man. Put some clothes on. Are you that drunk already?

Barney: Oh, no, no, no. This is my costume. I’m Adam. And my cute, firm little intern was supposed to come as Steve. Have you seen Stevie? Stevie? Fwanky is hewe now. Stevie? I have some fowbidden fwuit for you to taste. Excuse me, but I must find Stevie. Hey, Al. Nice solar system outfit.

Gore: I’m CO2.

Barney: Whatever, I just wish I had all those balls dangling about my face. That’s what I’m being next year. Stevie! Where are you Stevie?

Neil Degrasse Tyson: That reminds me. Have you heard this one? If you go to a nude beach, you have to be very careful because you can catch crabs just from sunbathing. The beach is the crabs’ natural habitat, and they thrive there. True story. It’s science. My wife caught crabs that way at least three times.

Barack: No kidding.

(doorbell rings)

Barack: (Opens the door to see Debbie Wasserman Schultz dressed in a dog costume) Great bitch outfit!

Al: Or are you supposed to be Hillary?

Debbie: I am not a bitch!

All: (laughing uproariously)

Debbie: OK, maybe I am, but I’m not dressed as a bitch. Can’t you see? I’m Scooby Doo.

Barack: Well, whatever you are, you are making me incredibly hungry. You look absolutely delicious.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: While we are on the topic of food, did you hear this one. If you eat Pop Rocks and then drink a Coke, you will explode. True story. It’s science.

Barack: I’d heard about that, but never knew if it was true.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Of course it’s true.  It’s easy enough to prove. Just need a test subject….

Barack: Let’s get Joe. Yes Joe. Joe will do it. He’ll do anything. We can tell him it is the new, hip drug craze. Tell him Justin Beiber is doing it.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: And the good thing about those new drug crazes, they are all done using over the counter stuff. Approved by FDA. It’s all perfectly safe. FDA said so. True story. It’s science.

(Suddenly everyone is startled by a hideous retching sound. Looking toward the sound, it is Nancy Pelosi gyrating wildly and vomiting what appears to be pea green soup.)

Barack: Ahhhhh! It’s just like The Exorcist! Look at that hideous, twisted face! She is possessed! Is there a witch doctor in the house? Is there a witch doctor in the house.

Nancy: No, no, I’m not possessed.

Barack: But your face?

Nancy: That’s just my latest Botox injections settling in.

Barack: But the vomit from hell!

Nancy: I just couldn’t keep down Michelle’s ‘healthy’ hors d’oeuvres.

Barack: What even are those things? Saccharin-sprinkled turnip puffs? Parsnip dip with tofu chips?

Nancy: Careful, I’m going to be sick again. (vomits again, and her head spins all the way around and around spewing vomit like a rainbird)

Barack: She is possessed! She is possessed!

Nancy: E plurbus unum. Caveate emptor.

Barack: Is that Latin? What is she saying? Is there a linguist in the house?

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Back away, foolish believers. This is a job for science.

Nancy: (In a deep, evil sounding voice) Science. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Science. What do you know of science? You are no scientist. You are a science reporter.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Blasphemy!

Al: Don’t listen to it. It is trying to mess with your head.

Nancy: Tell me of your personal research, scientist. Tell me.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: No! I have none. I have none.

Barack: Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Lucifer? Is that you ?

Nancy: No. we are legion.

Barack: You can’t fool me, Lucy, my boy. You stood me up last week. We had a meeting scheduled.  What’s up, dude?

Al: Lucifer, sir, while you are here, I’d like to talk to you about something very important. All the brimstone and burning and stuff down there in Hell is putting out a lot of greenhouse gases. Have you considered switching to a greener alternative? Here, watch this video and we can talk later. I can sell you some carbon credits if you would prefer.

Nancy: You! What are you? You have no soul! No soul! You are not human! That robotic, soulless freak is way too creepy even for me. I’m out of here. Later dudes. Have the old crone back.

Barack: Wait, wait. We still need to make the deal about retaining control of the Senate.

Nancy: Even my power has its limits. Besides, you sold your soul a long time ago, dude. And sorry about the vomit. But those hors d’oeuvres were vile.

Barack: No, come back. Lucifer come back. He’s gone. All is lost.

Nancy: Where am I?  What happened? Bill better not have roofied me again.

(door bell rings)

Barack: Sasha, can you get that?

Sasha: (Opens door. It’s a group of trick or treaters. Sasha reaches into each child’s bag and removes a handful of candy for herself) You know, at some point you have enough candy. (she closes the door on the shocked children)

Barack: That’s my girl.

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Posted: October 29, 2014 2:00 pm

“The people of the world look to us to lead. And we welcome that responsibility.” —President Obama http://ofa.bo/g11f

@BarackObama

“Not sure about meeting it, though. Better get me a scapegoat ready, just in case things go south…”

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Posted: October 29, 2014 12:44 pm

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “President Obama Issued a New Ebola Protocol…

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Posted: October 29, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

A new government study shows that the only way to kill Ebola…

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Posted: October 29, 2014 8:00 am

At a press conference, State Department Spokeswoman Jen Psaki wouldn’t say how many American Ebola victims would be “acceptable”.

Historically speaking, though, I think State has a victim-limit of 4.

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Posted: October 29, 2014 7:00 am

20141028MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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October 28, 2014

Posted: October 28, 2014 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to Cheezburger]

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Posted: October 28, 2014 9:00 pm

You’re going to need to turn on subtitles if they don’t come on automatically (click on “CC” button, lower right of video)


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #4,344,850)

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Posted: October 28, 2014 8:00 pm

President Obama reached a milestone recently, playing his 200th round of golf since taking office.

Oddly, not one of the clubs he played at gives free memberships to fence-jumpers.

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