April 29, 2016

Posted: April 29, 2016 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

To increase White House security, President Obama ordered…

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Posted: April 29, 2016 11:50 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Ali: Hey, what is that big commotion?

Ahmed: There’s a big stir over at the recruitment area. Let’s check it out.

(they wander toward the crowd at the recruitment area where the recruitment imam is giving his spiel. Members of the crowd wearing SJJ t-shirts are continuously interrupting and harassing the imam)

Habib: SJJ? What?

Man in the crowd (rolling his eyes): Social Justice Jihadis.

Galid: I am confused? Social justice? What?

Habib: We really need to find a way to vet these American refugees.

Ahmed: Way too many crazies are slipping in.

Social Justice Hipster: The caliphate is a patriarchal, misogynist complex!

Recruitment Imam: Well, duh…

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Did you know that 1 in 5 women in the caliphate are the victims of rape?

Recruitment Imam: You’ve thrown that number around a lot. It’s completely bogus. You’ve got it exactly backwards. In the caliphate, each woman is raped five times. And believe me, we’re working on getting that number up where it needs to be.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: And where are your transgender latrines?

Social Justice Hipster: And why isn’t any of your jihadi garb gay friendly? No pink camo, no glitter? You’re all homophobes dude.

Recruitment Imam: You are aware this is an Islamic caliphate? Islam teaches that homosexuality should be punished by death. “For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds, and we rained down on them a shower of brimstone (sura 7)” And in the hadith: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Lot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.” The only controversy among Muslim scholars is how the execution should be conducted. Some say stoning, others beheading, others hanging, others burning, others…..

Social Justice Hipster: You can’t say that! You can’t say that about Islam!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islamophobe!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Racist!

Galid: I am confused. Islam is a race, now?

Recruiter Imam: So the teachings of Islam are Islamophobic?

Social Justice Hipster: It’s hate speech!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: If it disparages Islam in any way, yeah. I have a friend who isn’t Muslim but got beat up because of talk like this. It’s hate speech, dude! It’s hate speech!

Recruiter Imam: OMA! Allah give me strength. So what am I, a self-loathing imam? I’m just reading to you from the Koran and the hadith.

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: It’s racist, Islamophobic hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Galid: I am confused. So, the holy Koran teaches Islamophobia? Islam is Islamophobic?

Ali: It is they who are confused, my friend.

Social Justice Hipster: Islam is a religion of peace, dude!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islam means peace!

Recruiter Imam: Actually, Islam means submission. Complete submission to Allah and Mohammad who is his prophet. The world must submit to Allah.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: My World Religion professor taught us that Islam is a religion of peace. Are you saying you know more than my professor? Shuh! Yeah right!

Social Justice Hipster: Hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Recruiter Imam: Ok, ok, ok. Who out there believes that Islam is a religion of peace? Show of hands, please. Why don’t all of you follow me over to this safe space over here? Good. This is your violence free zone. Gather around and sit down. You don’t need to worry about hate or reality or truth here. Feel free to let your perceptions run uncontested. Breathe deeply. Feel the cognitive dissonance bleeding away. Sorry, violent imagery. Feel the cognitive dissonance wafting away. The answer, my friend, is blowing up, I mean, blowing in the wind. Here are some crayons and markers and toys for you to play with until you feel calm again. Help yourself. (walks away back toward the podium)

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Hey, there are some Hillary Clinton dolls. And Bernie dolls. Check these out. (pulls string on Hillary doll).

Hillary Clinton Doll: Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism. (explodes)

Recruiter Imam: Ok, does anyone else feel like they need a special safe space?

Galid (brushing chunks of SJJ off his shoulder): I am confused. That space did not seem very safe to me.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Posted: April 29, 2016 8:00 am

The Mayor of London went off on a rant against President Obama, calling him “ridiculous and weird”.

Say, didn’t Frank already trademark that in case of a Clinton/Trump race?

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Posted: April 29, 2016 7:00 am

20151117MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez – Investor’s Business Daily]

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April 28, 2016

Posted: April 28, 2016 10:00 pm

[source]

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Posted: April 28, 2016 9:00 pm


[“Mixed Martial Arts & Crafts” with UFC Champ Chris Weidman] (Viewer #111,574)

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Posted: April 28, 2016 8:00 pm

While at a rally in Bridgeport, Connecticut, Hillary Clinton broke out into yet another coughing fit.

Strange. I would’ve thought her biggest health issue would be persistent burns from flaming pants.

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Posted: April 28, 2016 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

[title reference link]

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Posted: April 28, 2016 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to The Daily Caller]

7 Enviro Predictions From Earth Day 1970 That Were Just Dead Wrong

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)

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Posted: April 28, 2016 4:00 pm

Disaffected participants in the 2016 White Privilege Conference took to Twitter to complain that the conference was, ironically, too white.

Coming in 2017 – the White Privilege Conference Privilege Conference #WPCPCSoWhite.

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Posted: April 28, 2016 2:00 pm

“We have criminal justice policies, including unfair sentencing laws, that need to be reformed.” — President Obama

@BarackObama

“Before Hillary gets indicted and rats me out for a plea deal.”

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Posted: April 28, 2016 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Democrat voter turnout is down 20%. Hillary is blaming…

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Posted: April 28, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Habib: Look over there. Hamas has a booth. Come on.

Hamas Rep: Welcome. Are any of you interested in joining Hamas?

Ali: Thanks, but we’re all set. Love the caliphate.

Hamas Rep: That’s perfectly alright. I’m a big fan of the caliphate myself. We are all doing Allah’s great work. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Help yourself to any of the literature and swag. We’ve already run out of the ‘Death to the Jews’ pins, but here are some ‘Nuke Israel’ temporary tattoos for the kids and some bumper stickers that will look equally great on the rumps of your Humvees, goats or mules. Or maybe even on the rump of one of the missuses if you are feeling a tad kinky. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Ahmed (leafing through the pamphlets): Now here is something I’ve never heard of before. What is this adopt a Jew program?

Galid: I am confused. Why would anyone want to adopt a Jew? They are so expensive to maintain, and too lazy and stubborn to make a decent slave. You would get carpel tunnel from all the beating. Is not a bullet much cheaper?

Ali: Or stones? Stones are cheap.

Hamas Rep: No, it’s not like that at all. This is a fund raising program.

Habib: Oh, to help fund all your charity work?

(all laughing)

Hamas Rep: Yes. Exactly that. Charity work. Here’s how the program works. We have a tunnel that leads directly to a settlement just across the Israeli border with many Jews ready to be harvested. For a donation of as little as fifteen cents a day, you can adopt a Jew.  We will harvest the Jew for you and send you a photograph of your own special Jew. Once a week, you will receive a letter from your special Jew, usually begging for its life or asking you to implore to the authorities on his behalf to pay the ransom. It’s adorable, I can promise you.  Precious memories like this will cost you so little. For a donation of only a dollar a day, your weekly letter will include additional keepsakes from your Jew. A little hair, a toenail, a tooth, maybe an entire digit. Momentos you will treasure for a lifetime. And for a one time donation of $1,000, you will never have to hear from your Jew again.

Habib: Could I get a group discount?  What would it cost for a half dozen or so posing in an Abu Ghraib style pyramid?  Could I be the pointer?

Galid: I am still confused. Why do I want to adopt a Jew? Are you running out of missiles?

Ahmed (examining a large fishbowl filled with folded up pieces of paper): Is this some sort of raffle?  I didn’t bring any buisness cards.

Hamas Rep: Oh no. Gambling? That would be un-Islamic. That is another fund raiser for our charity. The bowl contains emails we got from Hillary’s personal server. No one’s read them yet. We just printed them out in bulk. For five bucks, you can reach into the fishbowl and pick out your own personal, potentially top secret email. Who’s in?

(All hand over five bucks)

Ali: I’m first (pulls a piece of paper from the bowl)

Habib: Read it. Read it.

Ali: Ok. Ok. Here it goes. “Huma, please help me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Ahmed: Ok. My turn. (pulls out an email) Wow. This has a whole email chain. Better start at the bottom of the thread. “Huma, can you tell Anthony once again to stop sending me pictures of his junk. I’m sick to death of looking at closeups of his balls.” Ok, then Huma responds: “For the millionth time, those are not closeups of my husband. They are aerial military photos of the Iraqi hillside.”

Galid: Ok, here goes. I really hope I get the name of a secret agent we can torture and turn to our cause. Wish me luck. (picks paper, reads it and looks dejected).

Habib: Come on. What does it say?

Galid: It’s another thread. I’ll go to the bottom. Wow, I am confused.  There are an awful lot of typos here. I’ll do my best to figure it out on the fly: “Huma, I think I have gone blind.” And then Huma responds: “Are you sure you don’t have your head stuck in Obama’s bucket again?”

Ali (interrupting): I bet she has her head up her butt.

Galid: Well, let’s see.  And Hillary replies: “No. I can feel my face, but I can’t see my hand in front of it.” Huma responds again: “Have you tried the light switch?” And Hillary again: “This is one of the many reasons I can’t quit you.”  And Huma replies: “You know, like I told you before, you can send me texts from your blackberry in situations like this.  You don’t have to email me.” And Hillary responds: “This isn’t a text? I’m so confused.”  (Galid stops reading to comment) I too am confused?  Texts and emails are not the same?

Ahmed: Not the same Galid.  Is there more?

Galid:  Oh yes.  She keeps going: “Where am I and who are you?  Why it is still so dark?  Is that you again, oh Lord of Flies? I’m not ready to go yet.  You promised me vengeance!  I will be satisfied!”  And then Huma again, at least I think it is Huma.  It says it is Huma: “You will be avenged. Place your faith in me, give me the glory and you will be avenged.  Blood will flow like flowing blood.”

Ali: Ok, that just got really weird.

Galid: I am so confused.  And there is still more: “I am so, so cold.  Never shall I be warm again.  Saul, dear Saul.  You lied to me.  You said I wouldn’t, but I do.  I do miss it.  How can I miss something that never existed?”  And then Huma again: “Take your pills and go to bed, Hill.  I’m turning off my phone until morning.”

Ali: She is a freaking psycho! How can she rule?  The Koran is exactly right. Baghdadi is at least twice as sane as she is.

Habib: Ok, my turn now. (picks paper) Oh, this is a good one. It says Galid Al Sawahiri is an American spy!

Galid: Now I am really confused. That is me! How would I not know this?  Is it so top secret even I am not aware of it?  I must not have a high enough security clearance.

Ali: Stone Galid!

Ahmed: Death to spies!

Galid: Death to me!  Wash me in my blood!

(Ali pelts Galid with a stone and Galid tosses a stone into the air and tries to let it land on his head but misses himself)

Habib: Just kidding. It doesn’t really say that.  No need to stone Galid.

Galid: Oh, you kidder.  You had me good there.  I am so relieved, my friend.  Praise Allah I am not a spy.

Habib: Here is what it really says. Starts with Hillary: “Huma, have you seen this offensive video about Islam. It is hilarious!” And then Huma responds: “Do you realize you just forwarded that video to your entire middle eastern contact list?”  And then Hillary: “Where is that blasted reset button again?”

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Posted: April 28, 2016 8:00 am

A new study shows that employment in the gun industry has risen by nearly 25,000 new jobs.

Anybody else noticing an inverse relationship between Obama trying to help an industry and its success?

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Posted: April 28, 2016 7:00 am

image
[Michael Ramirez – Investor’s Business Daily]

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April 27, 2016

Posted: April 27, 2016 10:00 pm

[source]

[title reference link]

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Posted: April 27, 2016 9:00 pm


[Triggered!™] (Viewer #14,220)

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Posted: April 27, 2016 8:00 pm

Cuban Foreign Minister Bruno Rodriguez called President Obama’s recent visit “an attack on the foundation of our history, our culture, and our symbols”.

That actually makes me like Cuba better, since I know what it’s like to have Obama do that.

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Posted: April 27, 2016 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons]

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Posted: April 27, 2016 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to Idahoser via The Center for the Advancement of Capitalism]

Celebrate the Industrial Revolution

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)

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