October 22, 2014

Posted: October 22, 2014 12:05 pm

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “During a speech, the audience started walking out on Obama because…

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Posted: October 22, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Ron Klain’s first job as the new Ebola Czar…

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Posted: October 22, 2014 11:15 am

There is an affliction going around. Maybe you have seen it in your friends or acquaintances. It usually manifests itself by a vacuous, glassy look in the eyes, an obsession with Rachel Maddow or John Stewart and a tendency to say things so stupid only an intellectual could believe them. They seem to think they are part of an elite class that knows best how each of us should live our lives, and they would like to regulate away the individual’s freedom to choose. This affliction has a name, my friends, and that name is demonic possession. We now know that this affliction is caused by possession by an evil spirit known as a Demoncrat. Fortunately, there is a cure.

Should you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering from this affliction, we, for a slight fee, would be willing to perform the ritual taxorcism to banish the Demoncrat spirit. The ritual requires the following components:

1) The Federalist Papers, The Constitution, The Wealth of Nations and the Holy Bible, any of which is enough to make a liberal spirit weep and wail and gnash its teeth;

2 ) An American flag lapel pin, equally repellent to the liberal spirit;

3) Holy water prepared from unbottled, unfiltered, municipal tap water;

4) Crude oil scraped from either an otter or a pelican. It must not be contaminated at any point by hippy;

5) Ropes made from anything other than hemp or any other recyclable material;

6) Bedding made only from the skins and pelts of cute, furry mammals;

7) Food items from any establishment that has been the victim of a PETA protest;

8) Copious amounts of bacon and veal;

9) Artificial vegetables made wholly from animal by products from extinct or endangered animals. The use of extinct animals (particularly those hunted to extinction), though difficult to acquire, is particularly powerful, though endangered ones will suffice;

10) An assault rifle, preferably a banned one;

11 ) Tanks of compressed carbon dioxide;

12) Podcasts of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Greg Gutfeld, Ace of Spades  and Glenn Beck;

13) A number of portraits of Ronald Reagan;

14) A large jar of jelly beans as a suitable offering;

15) Industrial strength carpet and fabric stain remover; and

16) Lots and lots of wet wipes.

While we unequivocally recommend that you leave this ritual in the hands of our expert taxorcists, if you disregard this warning and attempt the ritual yourself, please note the following:

1) Please ensure the subject is securely bound on the bed. Once the ritual begins, they will try to contort their body and reinsert their head into their butt as a protective measure. If they succeed, an extraction must be performed and the ritual must be reinitiated.

2) Please pay no heed to the vile utterances that will spew from the mouth of the subject. Remember, it is the inner Demoncrat speaking. No matter how often it calls you a racist, homophobic, gun-clinging, religion-clinging, flyover, redneck ignoramous, stick to your guns. No matter how often they beg for socialized medicine, do not succumb.

3) At some point the subject will projectile vomit. Don’t worry. That is normal and natural. It is the body’s way of purging the vegan spirit. Whenever this happens, replenish and nourish them with any of the non-PETA approved foods.

4) If the subject’s head begins to turn around, that is also normal. It will need to turn at least a full 180° before the spinal column is once again properly aligned and logical thinking can resume.

5) At no point must you ever let the podcasts stop playing.

6) Lastly, if things seem to get out of hand, sprinkle the subject with the holy water, attach the flag pin to their lapel and begin a litany of “The Power of Reagan Compels Thee.”

Should things get entirely out of hand, for a mere $2,499.99, our expert taxorcists will be happy to take care of the problem for you. Simply contact us at:

Lactose the Intolerant

The van under the overpass down by the river

Farmington, ME

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Posted: October 22, 2014 11:00 am

New video from Crowder.

Wash your hands.

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Posted: October 22, 2014 9:23 am

As an 80s kid, I am kinda curious what it’s like to have a booming economy while I’m an adult.

Here’s how much of an 80s kid I am: I once got a programmable robot for Christmas.

While we’re calling out people with rape allegations against them that get ignored, don’t forget the husband of a likely presidential candidate.

Has Wendy Davis asked Mark Pryor about interracial marriage?

“Hmm. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. We ruled out A through D bola.”

Why is everyone freaking out over how Renee Zellweger looks? How can we even be sure that’s her?

If you visit Alaska, most like you’re going to get punched in the face by a Palin. But you deal with it because the place is gorgeous.

If the left can get some dirt on the Palins, they’ll finally feel better for their loss in 2008.

If the problems African Americans have could be solved by voting for Democrats, shouldn’t they have been solved decades ago?

You have 90%+ African Americans voting for Democrats. Who are you fooling thinking you’ll get change by increasing that number?

Seems there should be a more even vote split for African Americans between party that doesn’t care about them and the one that’s failed them.

Hey, it’s copies of my book (out Nov. 11th)!

I always use humor to make a point. The main point I’m usually making is that I think I’m very clever.

I always remember the Jay Leno-era Doritos slogan of “Crunch all you want; we’ll make more!” It left a deep impression in me.

Don’t get all the chiding about talking about Renee Zellweger. Are we all supposed to pretend we weren’t shocked to find her unrecognizable?

And it’s not that she looks bad or anything. It’s just like “The part of Renee Zellweger is now being played by…”

“Need to investigate this ourselves. Doubt a masked vigilante will help us – a laughable notion in our present day city.”
-quote from Gotham

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Posted: October 22, 2014 8:00 am

At a press conference, President Obama said “the chances of an Ebola outbreak in the United States is extremely low”.

So, then, just at a guess… higher or lower than the chance of the government rolling out a functioning website?

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Posted: October 22, 2014 7:00 am

20141017BobGorrell
[Bob Gorrell - GoComics]

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October 21, 2014

Posted: October 21, 2014 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to Sheldon Comic Strip]

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Posted: October 21, 2014 9:00 pm

“Star Trek: The Original Series” clips set to “The A-Team” opening theme:


[Star Trek as The A-Team] (Viewer #1,145,559)

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Posted: October 21, 2014 8:00 pm

To avoid reporters, Lois Lerner went to a neighbor’s house, but they wouldn’t admit her.

How poetic – Lois: “Can I come in?”; Neighbor: “I plead the fifth”.

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Posted: October 21, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

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Posted: October 21, 2014 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to 4of7 of Little Worlds]

2012 Sorta Fresh – The Final Chapter (October and November)

Oh, and in case you forgot (like me) what happened in last week’s Kevin Koastie, you’ll need the context to make sense out of this week’s comic.

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Posted: October 21, 2014 5:00 pm

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Posted: October 21, 2014 4:00 pm

A school district in Washington state is phasing out swings on the playground, saying they cause more injuries than any other play equipment.

Good plan. Say… why not get the injury rate to zero and just ban kids?

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Posted: October 21, 2014 2:00 pm

“If we raise the minimum wage, we won’t just put more money in workers’ pockets—they’ll spend that money.” —President Obama #AmericaLeads

@BarackObama

“Although that money will then be NOT going to someone else who also would’ve spent it, so I guess it’s a wash. But at least THIS way I can wring some votes out of it.”

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Posted: October 21, 2014 12:05 pm

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Under Obama’s New Immigration Plan, You Can Only Get Deported…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

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Posted: October 21, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

During a speech, the audience started walking out on Obama because…

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Posted: October 21, 2014 9:21 am

Wendy Davis has done as well as you’d expect for someone only known for wearing pink sneakers while filibustering for late term abortion.

“Republicans want to keep all interracial marrying for themselves!” -Wendy Davis

So with the Wendy Davis campaign, Democrats donated millions to entertain Republicans.

One of the interesting lessons of #GamerGate is that there are consequences in being openly disdainful of the market you cater to.

“You misogynistic, racist morons, shut up and listen to us lecture you on how enlightened we are!” #GamerGate

I only have an iPhone 5S so I’m going to have to watch people use Apple Pay while I use a debit card like some caveman.

“Aren’t you going to pay for this?”
“One sec. I have to pull my card out of my wallet.”
“YOU’RE WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME!”
#ApplePay

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Posted: October 21, 2014 8:00 am

In New Jersey, the bomb squad was called to investigate a suspicious piece of luggage, but all it contained was stuffed animals.

Just waiting for Obama to claim it was a message from ISIS proving they represent a religion of peace.

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Posted: October 21, 2014 7:00 am

20141020MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez - Investor's Business Daily]

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