Counting the votes

January 6, 2017, 1:00 PM EST

Ladies and gentlemen, as Speaker of the House of Representatives, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the President of the Senate, the Honorable Joseph R. Biden.

Thanks, Pat.


So, we vote now, right? I was thinking onions, mushrooms, and bacon. Oh, and extra cheese. What about you guys?

Mr. President, we’re here to …

Oh, is Barack here, too? I suppose that means no bacon.

No, I’m addressing you as president of the Senate. While the Senate is in session, as it is now with the House, you are presiding. So we call you Mr. President. And you call me Mr. Speaker.

“Paul Speaker?” That’s a funny name. Anyway, are you telling me that all this time, I didn’t need to worry about Barack watching me? Jeez. I wish someone had told me. So, is he here? Do we get bacon or not?

Mr. President, we’re not here to vote on pizza.

It’s one o’clock and it’s a Friday, Mr. Speaker. I’m thinking extra-large. There are more here than I realized. How many is this? About 50?

Well, the D.C. House delegate is here, so 536.

We better get two pizzas. And bread sticks.

Joe, we’re here to open the electoral votes to select the president.

You just told me I was president.

For Heaven’s sake, Joe, we’re picking the next president of the United States. Your term as vice president of the United States and as President of the Senate is up in two weeks, so we need to pick the next person for the job.

Didn’t I do a good job? I’ve seen my picture all over the Internet. I must be doing something right.

Listen, Joe, it’s time to open the votes and count them.

Oh, okay. I hope we get bacon. I’m tired of pepperoni. So, how do we do this?

The same way we did four years ago. You have the ballots in front of you. Open them in alphabetical order and read the total. Hand them to the tellers, who will record the totals. When all the states are counted, they’ll add them up and give you those totals, and you announce the next president and vice-president.

Alphabetical? So, we start with Delaware, right? Why is Alabama on top? Delaware is the first state.

No, Joe. Alphabetically, it’s Alabama, followed by Alaska. Delaware is, let’s see, 8th on the list.

No, that’s not right. Delaware is the first state. I know my algebra.

This is the order they want us to read them, Mr. President.

Okay then, Mr. Speaker. We’ll do it that way. But I do get extra cheese?

Joe, I’ve just been informed that an extra-large pizza with onions, mushroom, bacon — and extra cheese — has won. If you’ll follow me to your car, we’ll head over to … um … Amy’s … and introduce you.

Yay! Another job well done!

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Promises, part 2

You said I would win!
You said you had a soul.

[Click here for Part 1]

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You wanted to see me?

Sit down!

Is something wrong?

“Is something wrong?” Yes something’s wrong. I’m running against Donald Trump — DONALD F#@%$#% TRUMP — and the polls are tightening and it looks like I might not win this thing! Doesn’t that sound like something’s wrong to you?!

I’m not sure why you’re angry with me about this…

You’re not sure why I’m angry with you? Listen, moron. You told me you had a sure-fire way of guaranteeing my coronation, election, and if the trend keeps up, instead of celebrating a victory, I’ll be at Epstein’s place trying to forget this whole fiasco. And I’ll make sure you’re there, too, but not as a guest. You get me?

Yes, ma’am.


Yes, Your Highness.

That’s better. Now you get that piece of $#@% on the phone and get this fixed. And you tell that #$%@&%-$#%&@% that I’ll Vince Foster him so fast he won’t know what hit him.

Hello, Nick?

John! Lovely to hear from you again.

Look, Z, we got a problem.

There are no problems, only opportunities.

Hillary’s pissed.

Not at me. I’ve done my part.

She’s not running away with this thing. It’s close. She might lose.

Well, now, with everything I’ve done, if she’s not winning, it’s her own fault.

Look, Z, I need you to step up.

You can count on it. Don’t worry. I got this.

I’ll tell her. And I appreciate that. See you at dinner?

Sounds lovely. Bye bye, now.

It’s under control.

It damn sure better be.

… Meanwhile …

Hello? Yes, I wanted to renew my offer. I can guarantee you …

Save it. I don’t need your help.

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H. L. Mencken was right

You’ve heard it paraphrased many ways, but the original quote of H. L. Mencken addresses elections specifically:

No one in this world, so far as I know — and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me — has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.

November 6, 2012 seems to prove this.

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A vote for the goat

Last night, I asked about the conflict I had regarding one particular local race. The Republican is a jackass, and the Democrat is a Democrat. Neither option was a good one. And, I didn’t want to leave it off my ballot.

A lot of you offered some really good suggestions. Most of you indicated that a vote for the Republican would be the best route, although a few of you offered the perspective of getting rid of a lame Republican, then kicking out the Democrat next election.

Both sides had good points.

So, what did I do?

Well, before I tell you, I need to make a confession. There were actually two races like that. Both at the county level, and both featuring jackass Republicans running against Democrats. I only mentioned one race, because the same rules applied. How I handled one would be the way I’d handle both. So, I only mentioned one race.

Now, having said that, here’s what I did.

I voted for a friend’s goat. Really.

You can write in candidates, so I did. For one of the races, I wrote in the name of my friends’ goat. Yes, their goat has a name. And a Facebook page. Really. And, now, one vote for a county government spot.

Oh, for the other county-wide race featuring a jackass Republican and a Democrat, I wrote in my cat.

I don’t expect the cat to win. I don’t expect the goat to win. But, if they did, they’d be a damn site better than the candidates on the ballot.

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Voting Democrat?

It’s late — well, it’s late in the Eastern Time Zone — and I’ve still got a hard decision to make tomorrow.

Tuesday is less than two hours away as I write this, and I’m trying to decide for whom I shall cast a ballot.

No, not for president. I made my mind up a long time ago. I’m voting for Romney. And so should you.

No, there’s another race, a local race, and I’m deciding whether or not to vote for the Democrat.

You see, the Republican in the race is one of those long-time local politicians that, well, he’s just not the guy you want. He’s kind of a jackass. The only real problem with the Democrat is, well, he’s a Democrat.

On the one hand, I’m thinking about voting for the better candidate, which would really be the Democrat. But, things are never really as simple as that.

Here in this part of the country, most Democrats are center or even right of center. I’ve commented before that if you took Chris Christie out of New Jersey and slapped him down in, say, south Georgia, he’d fit right in. With the Democrats. He’s way too left-leaning for the Republicans around here. And, I’m not joking, or exaggerating or anything. If you think I am kidding, you really don’t know this part of the country.

Anyway, I’m thinking about voting for the Democrat because, party aside, he’s the better candidate.

But, I can’t shove party aside.

You see, I believe that enabling the local Democrats enables the state Democrats. And I believe that enabling the state Democrats enables the national Democrats. And I believe that enabling the national Democrats means you need to be beat with a stick. And more than one stick if the first one breaks.

So, here’s my predicament: do I vote for the Democrat because the Republican is a jackass? Or do I vote for the Republican because, even though he’s a jackass, voting for the Democrat just enables Democrats? Or should I not vote in that particular race and just deal with whatever happens?

I really don’t like that third option.

Now, I don’t know how many of you have such a similar situation where you’re voting. If you do, though, I’d seriously like to hear how you plan to deal with it. Heck, even if you don’t, I’d like to hear your thoughts on it, serious or otherwise.

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Initiative to Develop 10 Technologies

According to reports, the Democrat Party has agreed to phone voting. Text voting, actually.

The Initiative to Develop 10 Technologies includes voting by phone as one of the 10 technologies covered. They 10 technologies are:

  • Interconnected computer networks (the Internet)
  • Personal cellular communication (cell phones)
  • Portable message systems (Text messaging)
  • High-definition home entertainment systems (HDTV, etc)
  • Global position systems (GPS)
  • Video communications (Skype, etc)
  • Wind energy
  • Solar energy
  • Electronic voting
  • Rail travel

The initiative has been around for years, and some of the technologies overlap. For instance, video communications often use the Internet. And, now, with the Democrat Party on board, electronic voting and text messaging are merged.

This means that people can vote for Obama without going to the polls. They can simply text their vote to the Initiative to Develop 10 Technologies. They simply text “OBAMA” to, on their cell phone, I, D, the number 10, and T.

Be aware that the Republican Party has not signed on, so people can’t vote for Romney this way. People wanting to vote for Romney have to show up in person at the polls. But, Obama voters can simple text “OBAMA” to I-D-10-T.

Isn’t technology wonderful?

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Job training

Sunday night, the president flew to Florida for a Monday campaign appearance. Then, he flew back to Washington and Bill Clinton took his place at the campaign event.

The question that some asked was why would Obama make the trip to Florida in the first place. Well, lost in the story is the fact that he did appear at a campaign office:

Yesterday, as he delivered pizzas to campaign workers in Orlando, Florida, Obama said he realized that the storm would impede his ability to make the final push for a second term in person.

See? He delivered pizzas.

That skill could come in real handy come January 21st.

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Top of the charts

Bush, Bush bo Bush, banana fanna fo Bush
Fee fi mo Bush, Bush!

Come on everybody!
I say now let’s play a game
I betcha I can make a blame out of anybody’s name.
The first four years, I treat it like it was not there
But a lot of silly reasons and excuses will appear
And then I say “No I wasn’t to blame,” and banana fanna blame a foe
And then I say that name and I make it very plain
And a fee fie on a foe
And then I say the name again and now you know my game
And there isn’t any name that I can’t blame

Clinton, Clinton bo Clinton, banana fanna fo Clinton
Fee fi mo Clinton, Clinton!

But if the first two years are ever brought up,
I drop my voice and say the name like
Bush, he killed the economy,
Clinton, she let the Ambassador die,
Osama, I killed him with my bare hands.
The media ignores anything that is contrary.

Everybody do Bush!

Bush, Bush, bo Bush, banana fanna fo Bush
Fee fi mo Bush, Bush!

Pretty good, let’s do the rich!

Rich, rich, bo rich, banana fanna fo rich
Fee fi mo rich, rich!

Very good, let’s do Wall Street!

Wall Street, Wall Street, bo Wall Street, banana fanna fo Wall Street
Fee fi mo Wall Street, Wall Street!

A little trick with YouTube!

YouTube, YouTube, bo YouTube, banana fanna fo YouTube
Fee fi mo YouTube, YouTube!

The blame game…

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Hey “blue states” — hurry up and pass the NPVIC before November 6!

Remember all the talk about the NPVIC? You know, the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact?

Sure you do. A bunch of dumbass states have signed on to this thing.

Here’s what it does: in the states that sign on, whoever wins the popular vote nationally, wins all the electoral votes in the participating states, regardless of how that state voted.

The idea is to make the Electoral College meaningless.

Why are they doing this? They’re still all pissed off over the 2000 election. Gore seems to have won the popular vote, although Bush won the majority of electoral votes. And they’ve had their panties in a wad ever since.

The Compact has been signed on by eight states and DC. Here’s a list of those states and their electoral votes:

  • California (55)
  • Hawaii (4)
  • Illinois (20)
  • Maryland (10)
  • Massachusetts (11)
  • New Jersey (14)
  • Vermont (3)
  • Washington (12)
  • District of Columbia (3)

What do you notice about those states? Yep. That’s right. They’re all “blue states.”

Oh, and the bill is currently pending in New York (29) and Pennsylvania (20).

Now, here’s where it gets kinda interesting.

According to the latest Gallup poll, Romney is leading by 7 points nationally. According to the Real Clear Politics average, Romney is leading by a point. Either way, Romney wins the popular vote.

Now, according to the Real Clear Politics electoral map, currently Romney has the lead in electoral votes (excluding toss-ups), and, under the current system, leads 206-201.

If toss-ups stay where they are, Obama has enough electoral votes to win the election under the current system, 294-244.

But — and here’s the fun part — if the states that are part of the Compact were to go ahead and follow it now, Romney wins in a landslide, 376-162:

Oh, and if the two states where the bill is pending were to play along anyway, Romney wins by a larger margin, 425-113.

Told you that was the fun part.

There’s a lesson to be learned from this: liberals don’t think things through.

They joined in on this idea after the 2000 election because they can’t imagine that their silly candidate could actually lose the election. They didn’t like the rules under which Bush won, so they want to change the rules.

But, they didn’t see this coming.

Oh, and there are lots of other problems with the NPVIC, not the least of which is that many states don’t even count absentee ballots if there aren’t enough to change the outcome within the state. For instance, Gore’s popular vote lead in 2000 would shrink if the absentees in New York state had been counted. They weren’t, since there weren’t enough to sway the election in the state. And, since many absentees were military, they’d have swung for Bush.

Remember that whole mess in 2000 where those idiot Florida counties were trying to figure out what a hole in a piece of paper looked like? Remember Minnesota in 2008 stretching into Summer 2009? Look for that all over.

But, Democrats, and liberals in particular, don’t think about stuff like that. It complicates their neat little imaginary lives.

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The new demographic

According to published report, the air in New York City is full of rubber, dead skin cells, and rust.

There’s only one thing that would cause all three of these items to appear with abundance: New York is being overrun with horny replicants.

Don’t look at this as a bad thing. Think of it as an opportunity. If the GOP can sway the horny replicant vote, the state could end up in Romney’s column in November.

Can you think of any current Democrat constituency that is less creepy than a Nexus 7? I didn’t think so.

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Yippee kay yay, Obama Voter!

yippee-Kay-yayDid something last night I haven’t done in a long, long time. I watched a presidential debate.

Okay, they haven’t had one in four years, but still.

I really didn’t plan on watching. I made my mind up a long time ago on this one: I will vote for the person who isn’t named Barack Obama.

So, why did I watch the debate? Wife wanted to. So, we watched the debate. Or I did. She gave it up about 30 minutes in. She doesn’t like one-sided contests unless the winning side goes by the nickname “Crimson Tide,” so she figured out the final score and called it a night. I stuck it out.

Why? I was already into it, and my team was winning. It was nice to see. From what I can tell, though, the debate seemed to change a lot of people’s minds. That’s scary. That means someone old enough to vote has lived through the last four years of Obama in the White House and six years of Democrats controlling the Senate and still thought Obama, or any Democrat, might be a viable option. I don’t get it.

But, Romney did a good job. He showed how you can politely call the president a liar and not be called a racist. Romney is pretty good at this politics thing. Heck, even though he’s a Republican, he could get votes from people in Massachusetts. Maybe even enough to be governor there. I kid!

Was it just Romney, though? Did Obama contribute to his debate loss?


Obama was weak, ineffectual, and apologetic, getting all kind of numbers wrong and stuttering himself into a corner. In other words, he was Obama. That’s what his presidency has been like, and what the debate was like. So, I don’t think you can blame Obama for being Obama.

Even though I went in (and came away) with my mind made up, I did learn something. Obama gave me $3600. At least, he said he did. I still can’t find mine. Maybe Solyndra has it.

Speaking of Solyndra, I loved that line from Romney that went something like this: “You don’t pick the winners and the losers; you pick the losers.”

Obama took to blaming Bush. Essentially, he said “I inherited a dire situation. And made it worse.” Though, I really don’t think that was his intent. To say it out loud, I mean. He’s done everything he wanted to do, he just doesn’t want us to know. But we do.

Oh, and after throwing his grandmother under the bus in the 2008 campaign, Obama dragged her back out and used her as an example of someone needing Medicare. I suppose since she’s dead, Medicare doesn’t need that $700-million he’s cutting from it, so it’s all good.

The debate wasn’t close. Frank J. will have some interesting things to say about it, I’m certain. I’m still waiting to see how the Obama campaign handles the fallout of the debate. Maybe he’ll say he inherited the debate from Bush. Romney ran circles around Obama, thwarting his every move. The only thing missing was Mitt saying “Yippee kay yay, m*****f*****.”

Okay, that’s a little crude. But I think I’ll follow Terry_Jim’s suggestion and tell all the Obama supporters I see “Yippee kay yay, Obama Voter.”

To tell the truth, I did feel a little sorry for Obama about one thing: the debate was on his 20th wedding anniversary. What terrible timing to suffer Electile Dysfunction.

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Have you no shame, Mr. Romney?

Mr. Romney, have you no shame?

How dare you point out the incompetence and failed leadership of former foreign aid student Barack Obama?

What’s next? Are you going to say that just because he skipped all the intelligence briefings for the last week, he wasn’t prepared for the attacks on our embassies?

The president was correct to condemn your statements hours before he condemned the terrorist attacks.

The biggest threat to America isn’t people trying to kill Americans, or even people who actually rape and murder our ambassadors. It’s people who say that an incompetent president is incompetent.


Wow. It’s hard work trying to think like a Democrat. There’s no way I could do that full time.

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Obama’s to-do list

You gotta wonder what Obama’s to-do list — his real one, not that silly list of campaign promises — looks like. If his campaign promises such as changing the tone in Washington were truly the list, even he’d have to give himself a failing grade.

But no, the president gave himself an “incomplete” grade. That means he’s done some stuff, but the rest is in reach.

Whatever could those things be? Well, I’m thinking his goal is to out-do Jimmy Carter on everything. Let’s see how he’s doing, shall we?

  • Drive gas prices up. Check.
  • High unemployment. Check.
  • Support ill-advised Islamic overthrow of a friendly Middle Eastern nation. Check.
  • Have embassy in that country stormed later same year. Check.
  • Attacked by a rabbit. Not yet.
  • Lose election to Republican former governor of a liberal state. Not yet.

I’m not wishing a bunny attack on the president, but if it did happen, I would laugh my ass off.

That last item? I am wishing that upon him. And I’m doing what I can to make it happen.

Now, I know some of you don’t like the idea of voting for Mitt Romney. Those of you that have sworn to never vote for Romney, and plan to follow through, well, if you’d help take care of the rabbit thing, the rest of us will work on the election thing.

Then we can mark Obama’s to-do list complete and send him home to … wherever the hell he’s from.

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Some of the things we encounter, when we sit and think about them, are kinda like miracles.

Your reading this, for example. Some guy from Georgia is typing on a nonexistent keyboard on a device that just a few years ago was science fiction and you’re reading it.

Add to that the fact that I’m currently around six miles above the Atlantic Ocean, south of Reykjavik, Iceland, as I type and publish this. Kinda amazing, ain’t it?

But, the reason I’m where I am is another miracle: I’m going to visit my 13-day old grandson. He’s not my first grandchild, but he’s my daughter’s first child, and the only one I’ve not yet held in my arms. He’s the latest little miracle in the family.

These things, whether they are the latest advances in technology, or a natural process that’s been going on since life appeared, are among the miracles we encounter every day. But, the latest advances in technology pale to the oldest processes of nature. Typing on an iPad on the Internet while in flight on an international airliner is really cool. But getting to hold my new grandson? Now that’s cool!

That little miracle … he’s important to me. I want him to have a better life than I’ve had … and mine’s been kinda nice. I want him to grow up in the greatest nation on earth, and I want him to not wonder what the hell his parents and grandparents were doing, allowing a bunch of jackasses tear up the country, either by design or by ignorance.

So, I want to use the latest technological miracles to help make life better for my latest little miracle in the family. And, I want you to do the same.

This election is important. We’ve had four years of ignorance and incompetence in the White House. That’s four years too many. But, we can do better. I believe in America, and I want my grandchildren to grow up in a better America than I grew up in — and the one I grew up in was pretty awesome.

November is important. And so is our children’s … and our grandchildren’s … future. Don’t let the Democrats keep screwing it up. And hold the Republicans accountable.

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