What’s the greatest threat facing America today?

Turkey.

Not the country, the bird. And not just the bird, but the dead bird.

The Department of Homeland Security tweeted on Monday how dangerous it can be to fry a turkey.

And, in case you thought that someone left their computer unlocked and somebody tweeted it as a joke, they also put up a blog post about it.

The Department of Homeland Security, that great arm of Big Brother, knows that Islamic terrorists aren’t so much of a threat. Sure, they want to kill us, but that’s our fault. Just ask Ron Paul.

After flirting with the idea that right wingers were a threat — not because of things they’ve done, but because there’s the possibility that some right-winger might do something… Left-wing violence was never an issue. Sure, they’ve been shooting Congresswomen and crashing planes into buildings and raping hippies, but that’s actual violence. The real threat has always been potential violence. Since the left has actual violence, and the right has potential violence, the right must be a bigger threat.

Until now.

As DHS has so kindly informed us, the real threat is dead turkeys. They’re evil. So evil, that after they’re dead and frozen, they’ll still try to burn down your house.

So, as we approach Thanksgiving, be thankful that we have a government department that wants to protect us from turkeys.

Now, if we can only find someone to protect us from the turkeys at DHS.

So, now the big news is that it looks like the government might shut down. Like that’s a bad thing.

All this time, those of us on the right have been complaining about the size of government. Now, it might shut down. And I say “Good!” It could use a good shutting down.

Only, the government really won’t shut down.

“National parks, national forests and the Smithsonian Institution would all be closed. The NIH Clinical Center will not take new patients, and no new clinical trials will start,” he added in a roll call of expected agency closings.

But the air traffic control system would stay up and running, the emergency management agency would still respond to natural disasters and border security would not be affected.

That means that the government will still operate to some degree, but non-essential personnel will be sent home:

…John Gage, president of the American Federation of Government Employees, the largest federal employee union… (said) “Employees are apparently going to be told to report to work Monday (then) they will be released, and those who are nonessential, nonexempt will be released and the other ones will be told to stay.”

What’s all this mean?

It means that those of us on the right were right all along. The government is full of people whose jobs aren’t necessary. And they don’t even know who they are.

There are too many non-essentials when the economy is good and the government isn’t running a deficit. It’s even worse during this Obama economy.

There’s word that some military might not get paid. Which means what? That the Obama administration considers them non-essential? That sounds like a bunch of stupid liberals. Gotta fund those abortion clinics, but not so much the American soldier.

The military is one of the essentials. But there are plenty of non-essentials in the government today.

Now, I don’t think that non-essentials are necessarily a bad thing. I’m sitting at a computer right now. Not the cheapest computer, either. I spent around $3,000 for this MacBook Pro. That’s a lot of money. And, I could have made do with a $400 Dell, I suppose.

And, looking around the room, I see a fish tank. We don’t eat the fish, so it’s non-essential. There are some trinkets on the coffee table and shelves. Some plastic flowers. A Rubik’s Cube (what’s that doing on the coffee table?). Candles. A scratching post for the cat.

Non-essentials.

In tough times, we wouldn’t have all them.

And that’s what the government is full of: non-essentials.

Lots of people who work for the government are trinkets and plastic flowers. Some are smelly candles.

The military is more like the doors, walls, shotguns, and such: they protect us and keep us safe. Not a whole lot of smelly candles and plastic flowers there.

For the U.S. to come out ahead on this, they need to send the non-essentials home. And leave them there. Let the non-essentials get a real job.

Oh, sure, there are lots of people out of work right now. Non-essentials.

I’m not saying they aren’t qualified. I’m saying their job wasn’t needed when they lost it.

I don’t mind so much when business hires non-essentials. They are in the business to make money. And, when they make money, they have more money to spend on the non-essential jobs. Which, after a while of being done exceptionally, gets more focus and becomes essential.

The government, not so much. The business world is hurting because it has to cut non-essentials while the government keeps the plastic flowers and scratching posts on the payroll.

The government should get rid of all those smelly candles and plastic flowers. Then, they wouldn’t spend so much money.

And you could have more smelly candles, plastic flowers, and scratching posts.

Personally, I don’t care about smelly candles, plastic flowers, and scratching posts. Wife likes them, though. And things are better when she’s happy.

Drudge is reporting that DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano wants you to report on other people.

If George W. Bush had said this, the left would be all up in arms. But, since one of Obama’s incompetents made the suggestion, it’s okay with the left. But we on the right are getting our panties in a wad about it.

Should we?

Heck, I don’t know. Because Big Sis launched the campaign at … Walmart.

The “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign—originally implemented by New York City’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority and funded, in part, by $13 million from DHS’ Transit Security Grant Program—is a simple and effective program to engage the public and key frontline employees to identify and report indicators of terrorism, crime and other threats to the proper transportation and law enforcement authorities.

More than 230 Walmart stores nationwide launched the “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign today, with a total of 588 Walmart stores in 27 states joining in the coming weeks. A short video message, available here, will play at select checkout locations to remind shoppers to contact local law enforcement to report suspicious activity.

You see the problem I have with this, right?

Not that Big Sis wants us to report each other. It’s that they’re asking for suspicious activity at Walmart.

I wonder has she ever been to a Walmart? I was at one the other day, and saw Elvis:

Someone else saw him, too, but in California. On the same day, no less.

But, then, it is a Walmart. Where you can find people like this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

Okay, that’s enough. It’s more than enough. You can see more, if you like.

Anyway, what I’m wondering is, are we supposed to report suspicious people we see at Walmart? And, what’s the criteria for “suspicious” at Walmart? Looking normal?

If I was looking for suspicious people to report, I wouldn’t need to go to a Walmart to find some. There’s this person. And this one.

Harvey will be back at IMAO soon. And, you’ll be able to read new lolbama and lolterizt posts when he returns.

While he’s vacationing, I’m offering a poor substitute: lolgov. Which is pretty much an excuse for me to post something lame.

But, on the upside, it did give you the chance to get some of the lol-stuff out of your system. And, as promised, here are the entries that were submitted.

From DamnCat:

From Larsinkima:

From Anniee451:

Returning soon: Harvey’s lolterizt and lolbama. If you have something for him, submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

lolcats inspired Harvey to start up lolterizt. And lolbama.

Maybe Harvey will start up lolgov or something.

[Reference]

Maybe not. Since lolbama probably covers this.

But, until he does another lolbama post (mid-December), if you have some to submit, send them to me at lol@basilsblog.net. I’ll post them, or some of them, or all of them, next week. Or tomorrow. Or when I feel like it.

Some people are getting all bent out of shape about the TSA naked scanners and the grope-downs.

But not everybody.

Gloria Allred says she enjoyed it.

Maybe we’re going about this whole thing wrong.

Maybe what we need to do is have some choices. More choices, anyway.

Right now, we have two choices: get your naked scan done, or get felt-up by someone who couldn’t get a real job. Men are getting groped by men, women are getting groped by women.

And that’s the problem. Not enough choices.

The TSA needs to offer a choice. Let each person who opts for a grope-down get to choose the groper:

• Straight man
• Straight woman
• Gay man
• Gay woman
• Bisexual man
• Bisexual woman
• Hermaphrodite
• Supermodel
• Chippendales dancer
• Bond girl
• Bondage girl
• Blind girl
• Eddie Long
• Eddie Haskell
• Mr. Ed
• Mr. Green Jeans
• Mr. Mister
• Miss America

Who would it take to grope you so that you wouldn’t mind it?

You heard about the “Government Doesn’t Suck” rally, right?

Some people who work for the government are tired of being told they suck.

And they’re right: government doesn’t suck.

Say it with me: government doesn’t suck.

Other things that don’t suck?

• Stubbing your toe in the middle of the night.
• Hitting your funny bone.
• California.
• Massachusetts.
• Being hit in the face with a frying pan.
• Liberals.
• Being hit in the nuts with a baseball bat.
• Barack Obama.
• Michelle Obama.
• Microsoft Windows ME.
• MS-DOS 4.
• Democrats.
• Right turns from the left lane.
• Kos.
• Spam/UCE.
• Keith Olbermann.
• Cats in the house.
• Dogs in the house.
• Phone calls during supper.

None of these things suck. They’re all awesome! And we should organize a rally to support all these awesome things.

Whether or not Einstein said it, it’s true that doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is a definition of insanity. Keep that in mind…

So many problems are created by government. Not that government is a bad thing; it’s not. But out-of-control government is a very bad thing.

The bailouts — first begun when Bush was president, but under the direction of a Democrat Congress — were something I opposed when they were proposed.

The bank failure was caused by government. And the bailout was government getting more involved.

Think about this: if you put a bunch of monkeys in a room and let them run loose, and they caused damage to the walls and furniture, would you then give those same monkeys hammers, nails, and paint, asking them to fix things?

No, you’d remove the monkeys and deal with the consequences. It might be a rough time for a bit, what with all the mess the monkeys made, in addition to all the collateral damage that will result. But that’s what you’d do.

Of course, it was your fault for putting the monkeys in charge to start with.

In case you missed it, them monkeys? Democrats. Keep that in mind in November.

And keep in mind that insanity quote.

George Will explains a problem with government-mandated health care in a way that even a liberal can understand:

[Direct link]

Excerpt transcript:

One question: If the government came to you and said, “Professor Krugman, you have a car. We’re going to compel you to buy a more expensive car, but it’s not really more expensive because it’s a better car.” Wouldn’t you tell them to get off your land?

I wish I had thought of that.

On this day in 1787, in Philadelphia, the greatest document written in the last several centuries was completed.

What began as a rewrite of the Articles of Confederation became the Constitution of the United States.

It’s a document that guarantees our liberties. It lays out the duties and responsibilities of the three branches of our federal government, and it establishes the relationship between the states. And, as amended, it establishes the rights guaranteed to the individuals on which the government may not infringe.

I am of the camp that feels that not enough people have read the Constitution — including many who have sworn to uphold and defend the Constitution.

At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention, delegate Benjamin Franklin (the dude on the $100 bill, for you on the left) was asked, “What have we got—a Republic or a Monarchy?”

To which Franklin replied, “A Republic, if you can keep it.”

Go read the Constitution. Then make it your mission to help us keep a republic.