There is an amateur astronomer that says he found something man-made (or alien-made) on Mars.

He found it using Google Earth.

I know what you’re thinking: “That Sarah Palin sure is hot!” Well, you’d be right. But you’re also thinking, “But you said ‘on Mars’ and he used Google Earth and that just doesn’t add up!”

Well, it turns out that Google Earth has not only maps of Earth, but also the Moon and Mars. And they still call it “Google Earth.” Racists.

Anyway, if you have Google Earth, you can see the “structure,” too:

The astronomer, David Martines, says it’s a building or something. But the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory, Alfred McEwen, says it’s a cosmic ray.

We spoke with Cosmic Ray, and he said it wasn’t him.

So, what is it?

Here are some possibilities:

• An Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator
• Amelia Earhart
• My car keys
• A sock
• Bigfoot
• Lane Mastadon’s instruction manual
• Waldo

We can’t say with certitude what it is. Something mysterious, we know that much.

What do you think it is?

Have you seen the juggling robot?

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We have machines signing bills into law. We have a machine that keeps the president from sounding like a blithering idiot. The other day, Frank J. mused that we were nearly to the point of not even needing Obama anymore.

This robot may be the final piece of the puzzle. As a juggler, it’s already doing more useful stuff than Obama does. And, it doesn’t want to raise your taxes.

Juggling Robot 2012!

Did you hear the latest news about jobs? As expected, fewer new workers were added than expected.

No, you didn’t read that wrong. That’s what happened.

Seems the experts expected more jobs to be added than were added. And this happens a lot. Go back and read all the news reports about jobs and prices and such. You’ll see the phrases “unexpected” or “worse than forecast” and phrases like that.

Today’s is a report from Bloomberg that says, essentially, “Whoops! Not as many jobs as the experts thought“:

Companies in the U.S. added fewer workers than forecast in May, a sign that job growth is struggling to gain momentum, data from a private report based on payrolls showed today.

How many weeks, months, and, now, years, do the “experts” that are carrying the water for Obama and his Merry Band of Misfits have to be wrong before the media quit considering them as experts.

Trick question! The mainstream media is part of Obama’s Happy Horde!

I wonder what all surprises that crew.

• A man fell into the river and was unexpectedly wet.
• A man poked a live alligator with a sharp stick and was unexpectedly bitten.
• A man stuck his hand in the fire and was unexpectedly burned.
• The home team was outscored by the other team and unexpectedly lost the game.
• A couple went on vacation to Florida and unexpectedly encountered several beaches.
• The wind blew and the trees unexpectedly swayed,
• A child bit into an ice cream and it was unexpectedly cold.
• The sun unexpectedly rose in the east this morning.
• A blogger wrote a post reusing some of the same examples he used in a post less than 24 hours earlier and readers unexpectedly noticed.

I think we have the new campaign slogan for Obama: Expect The Inexpected!

DNC Chair Wasserman Schultz is claiming that Republicans want to consider being an illegal alien a crime.

Oh, the humanity! The horror! The … what’s that again?

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Yes, she’s appalled that Republicans would want people who are in this country illegally to be considered … illegal.

Well, well, well. Let’s look up “illegal” in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster. Not Urban Dictionary. That’s useful for looking up words and phrases you hear on Red Eye. But for regular words that normal people use, Merriam-Webster will do.

illegal: adj \(ˌ)i(l)-ˈlē-gəl\
not according to or authorized by law : unlawful, illicit

Synonyms: criminal, felonious, illegitimate, illicit, lawless, unlawful, wrongful
Antonyms: lawful, legal, legitimate

And those evil, evil Republicans want illegals to be considered the first word listed by Merriam-Webster as a synonym: criminal. Can you imagine.

We did some checking. And she’s right. And not only that, here are some other things Republicans consider to be true that are contrary to her and the Democrats way of thinking. Besides being somewhere illegally being a crime.

• Fire is hot.
• Water is wet.
• Sky is blue.
• Women have secrets.
• Ice is cold.
• Grass is green.
• Diamonds are hard.
• Circles are round.
• Bacon is yummy.
• Roses are red.
• Violets are purples.
• Sugar is sweet.
• So’s maple surple.
• Ducks quack.

It must be nice to be that stupid and still get paid.

Atlanta businessman Herman Cain announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

And we were there! And by we, I mean me. Frank J. is, like, a long way from Atlanta. Sarah K too. And Harvey. (Actually, I don’t know that they would have been there anyway.) But, since Atlanta isn’t all that far from me, I was there. And now, you were there, too!

[Direct link]

If you’re not supporting Herman Cain, that’s okay.

Actually, it’s not. What’s wrong with you?

Anyway, we were there and will post a little more later.

CBS New York reports that a new cell phone emergency service is set to launch “by the end of the year” in New York and Washington … and in other cities by the end of 2012:

It’s called the Personal Localized Alert Network or PLAN. Presidential and local emergency messages as well as Amber Alerts would appear on cell phones equipped with special chips and software.

The Federal Communications Commission and the Federal Emergency Management Agency said the system would also warn about terrorist attacks and natural disasters.

So, how would this work? I’m thinking not too well. Remember when Steve Jobs took down a network when he tried to introduce the iPhone 4? And the overall sluggishness of AT&T since the introduction of the iPhone?

But that’s in the corporate world. I’m sure with the government involved, this will go off without a hitch. I do wonder, though, will you be able to read government texts while driving? Maybe those will be exempted from all those texting laws.

And, we obviously need such a thing. How else will we know what’s going on in our own cities? Just because today, we can get live messages from Abbottabad that helicopters are attacking a big house doesn’t mean that we can know about stuff going on locally.

It’s not like every news outlet in the world has Twitter accounts. Except that every news outlet in the world has a Twitter account.

NYC’s Nanny-In-Chief, Michael Bloomberg, said, “The lessons that were reinforced on 9/11 is the importance of getting clear and accurate information to the public during a crisis.”

So he’s responding to 9/11. And we know how well governments respond to 9/11. Tried to fly anywhere lately? Had to wait while some 3-year-old is fondled by the TSA? Government reaction at its finest.

But I can see the use of this for natural disasters. Those texts would really be helpful:

• That really bad wind and rain you’re getting? Yes, it is a hurricane. You might want to leave now.
• That water that’s inside your house? It’s a flood. But don’t worry. Our buses are still parked. They’re safe. You should go be safe too.
• Those tornado alerts you saw on TV and heard on the radio? Yes they’re real.

AT&T and Verizon are on board with this plan, by the way. But you can opt out. For all but the messages from the president. You don’t see enough of him on TV or on the radio or in the newspaper or on the Internet. You will be able to get him on your cell phone. And nationally, by the end of 2012. In time for the election.

I can imagine that the president will have only important things to say.

• OMG I SHOT 92 BEST SCORE EVER!!1!!
• CIA FOUND OBL BRB
• OBL DED 1MIL DKP 4 ME!!1!
• TX PLZ STP TXTNG ME NO $ 4 U
• EAK WAH
• BRB OMW TO TX TO RAISE $ FOR 2012

Yeah, I can hardly wait.

Turns out that the president might not be to blame for his latest inability to open a door. Did you see his latest inability to open a door?

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Yes, that first one was actually a door, not a window.

As you can see, he’s finally learned how to use a door knob, because he managed to open the second door.

Which means the first of the two doors was locked.

Which means the second of the two doors wasn’t locked.

Somebody didn’t do his job right. Because that somebody left one of the doors unlocked. And now, Obama is back in the White House.

A perfectly good opportunity arose to keep him out, and someone dropped the ball. The country could have been saved by someone simply locking another door. Now, we’re back to going to hell in a handbasket.

I’m watching with interest how people react to the military action that started on March 19th.

I’m sure you’ve seen the news, right? The U.S. is participating in action with other countries in strikes that, truth be told, are simply to remove a bad guy from power.

This dictator came to power decades ago. He’s been a thorn in the side of the west for some time. He’s sponsored terrorism, and he has been killing his own people.

Some in the U.S. are concerned that we don’t have a clearly-defined mission. But here’s the truth of the matter. The president, whether you like his politics or not, decided not to take unilateral action, but to get the U.N. to say that if the dictator doesn’t stop, force will be used.

He didn’t. And now force is being used.

There will be lots of people in the U.S. opposed to this action. Others will support it. At least one Democrat has called for impeachment. And the media don’t really know how to handle all of this.

What will I do? Well, I’ve decided to get in my time machine and go forward eight years. 2003 looks like it will be a rough one. 2011 will have to be better, right? In fact, when I get to 2011, I’ll post these thoughts on the Internet somewhere for people to read. They’ll read what I wrote and think how silly it all was.

Georgia is in trouble with the DEA. The feds have seized Georgia’s supply of thiopental, which is one of the drugs used in the state’s lethal injection procedure.

It all began when customs held up a supply of thiopental in Memphis last summer. Seems some states, including Georgia, went and got some more from another source. Only that source, which the state identified as Link Pharmaceuticals, a British company (which was bought by Archimedes Pharma Limited around 5 years ago), isn’t FDA approved.

Last month, lawyer John Bentivoglio wrote a letter to Eric Holder complaining about how the state got the drug. Bentivoglio wrote Holder on behalf of death row inmate Andrew Grant DeYoung, who killed his parents and teenage sister back in 1993.

Now, the DEA has seized the state’s supply of drugs.

Something similar happened in Arizona last year, and the Supreme Court gave the state the go-ahead to use its supply of drugs. Two days later, Arizona executed the inmate in question.

Anyway, some people are all upset that one of the drugs that Georgia uses to kill people might not be safe.

This is one of those things that, a few years ago, would have been a story in the Onion or some other satiric source.

In Obama America (AKA Bizarro World), it’s business as usual.

Don’t lose sight of the fact there are two Obamas in the White House.

There’s the man of the house. And there’s her husband, Barack.

Now, just in case you’re thinking I’m out of line by picking on the First Lady, keep in mind that Michelle (or, “M’Sel” in her native Klingon) isn’t running around planting trees or cutting the ribbon on department stores. She’s running around telling you what you can eat. It’s part of the Nanny State mentality of the left.

Anyway, she’s now got a new notch on her belt. And it’s a two-for-one: She’s winning her control of your dinner plate, and putting a military icon out of business.

Yes, there are fears that Cap’n Crunch will lose his job.

That bowl of wonderfulness that cuts the inside of your mouth to little pieces in the most delightfully painful way may soon be no more.

Think about that. Your children … or your children’s children … may not be able to enjoy a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. Not regular Cap’n Crunch (my favorite). Not Peanut Butter Crunch (poor Smedley). Not Crunch Berries.

Now, Quaker Oats is denying reports that the cereal is going away. But I gotta wonder. Is this simply the first step to erase our childhoods?

We must take action to ensure that Cap’n Crunch remains available for generations to come. Dentists, tooth fairies, and children’s happiness all depend on Cap’n Crunch remaining a daily part of a wholly-unbalanced breakfast.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Are you white? Then you’re not Eric Holder’s people.

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Holder concluded his comments saying that the Department of Justice doesn’t let race figure into its decisions. Even though race figures into his thinking, I suppose.

But, perhaps he wasn’t lying. Perhaps he was telling the truth when he said race wasn’t a factor. That would mean that “my people” wasn’t referring to any particular race of people. Perhaps it referred to another group of people.

Like who?

• Idiots
• Morons
• Socialists
• A**holes
• Mustache-Americans
• Attorneys
• New York Yankees fans
• Snake oil salesmen

See? Race doesn’t enter into it.

Savannah.

It’s the first city in Georgia, founded in 1733. And it’s full of history.

Forsyth Park. Fort Jackson. Fort Pulaski. River Street. The Squares. Tybee Light. Johnny Mercer House.

Don’t know how much you know about Savannah. I grew up near there. Well, within TV-watching distance. My high school was in the same region as the Savannah schools, so there’d be travel to games throughout the year. Savannah was close, so I’m a little familiar with it.

But, no matter how much you know about Savannah, there is one aspect that you surely know about, even if you don’t know about its connection with Savannah.

Girl Scouts.

The Girl Scouts were founded in Savannah in 1912.

Whatever you think of the Girl Scouts, you gotta admit: they make good cookies. I always look forward to the sale of Girl Scout Cookies. I stock up. You can freeze them, you know. They’ll keep. And you can enjoy them year-round. At least, I think you can enjoy them year-round. They don’t usually last that long around me.

Anyway, you can buy Girl Scout Cookies now. They’re selling them.

Only, you can’t buy them at the home of Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts.

Nope. The address 10 East Oglethorpe Avenue is off-limits to the sale of Girl Scout Cookies.

Seems somebody complained last year.

So, the Girl Scouts cannot sell cookies in front of the home of the founder of the Girl Scouts.

I tell you, this country’s going to hell in a handbasket when Girl Scouts can’t sell cookies in at the home of the founder of the Girl Scouts.

I wonder who complained. Whoever it was complained hates America. I mean, really. Stopping little girls from selling cookies? Sounds like something somebody who voted for Barack Obama would do, that’s how un-American it is.

I’m thinking about heading to Savannah and offering to buy a busload of Girl Scout Cookies in front of the Juliette Gordon Low House. And, if anyone complained, they could bite be. While I’m biting into some Girl Scout Cookies.

The sun has launched an attack on the earth.

A solar flare was emitted Tuesday, and it’s heading this way.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) said the possible effects from the geomagnetic storm include power grid fluctuations, impact on satellite operations, effects on migratory animals and the visibility of auroras in places like New York, Idaho, Michigan and Maine.

Yes, it’s hitting any moment now.

It may have already hit. But, I don’t think it has, since life on earth hasn’t burned up and the continents haven’t turned into pools of molten rock.

And, did you notice that one of the places impacted would be Idaho? Frank J. lives near there, I think. And the CME could affect his blogging. I don’t know if it’ll make it better or worse, but I don’t like change, so whatever happens, I won’t like it.

But, let’s look at the bigger picture. This solar attack is like the plot out of a bad direct-to-video movie that airs on the SyFy Channel or something. Which means that we need to be on the lookout for other SyFy-based threats. Like Meteors, Mega Piranha, Mega Pythons, Gatoroids, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson.

We also need to ask why. Why is the sun attacking us?

I think it’s pissed that humans are trying to take credit for global warming, when it’s the sun that causes the earth to warm up and cool down. The sun has sat there, 93-million miles away, watching us. And it’s tired of Al Gore giving credit to humans for its work.

I think we need to take all the “global warming/climate change/whatever it’s called next” crowd and put them in a rocket and shoot them off into space. Not like some B Ark plot, but to distract the CMEs. It’ll see the rocket ship full of screaming environmentalists and direct its attention that way.

Al Gore could end up saving the earth after all.

Even then, we won’t be completely safe. There’s still the threat of Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson.

Ft. Wayne, Indiana, is looking for a name for its government center. And they’ve opened it up to suggestions via the city’s feedback Web page.

The top suggestion so far? Name it after the city’s longest-serving mayor, Harry Baals.

Baals – pronounced “balls” by the then-mayor but “bales” by his descendents – became the Republican nominee for mayor in 1934 and was elected for three successive terms. He returned to politics in 1951 by winning a fourth term but died in office in May 1954. His accomplishments include elevating the railroads in town and negotiating the contract with the Army to establish Baer Field as an air base.

The city’s Deputy Mayor, Beth Malloy, says the building won’t be named after the former mayor. Apparently, she doesn’t care for Harry Baals.

A lot of people, though, like the idea of Harry Baals on a building.

I don’t live in Ft. Wayne, so I don’t have a say in the matter. I could go to the feedback site and make suggestions. But I won’t. And I could encourage you to go to the feedback site and make suggestions. But I won’t. The residents of Ft. Wayne should decide for themselves how they feel about Harry Baals.

The voting, by the way, ends this week. And the 10 finalists from the voting will be given to the mayor. I wonder how his staff will handle Harry Baals. Or the other finalists.

If they do select the former mayor’s name, there will be some residents that won’t like it, I’m sure. It may be that many residents of Ft. Wayne will just have to learn how to live with Harry Baals.