Last month, the president phoned Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. According to the White House, the president praised the Eagles for giving Vick a second chance. Our sources say that the president also asked for some advice. And that he called to thank Vick after he returned from vacation.

Mike! It’s Barack…

Barack. Barack Obama. The president. Of the United States. Of America.

Yeah! Hi! How’s it going?

Getting ready for the what? Playoffs? What’s that?

Really? Huh. Never heard of it.

Anyhoo… I just wanted to call and thank you for the advice. Yeah, it’s working. Poll numbers are up.

No, not much. But it’s a start. You know how that is.

Yeah, I’m doing the whole makeover thing.

Yeah, I’m doing the whole package. I mean it worked for you. You’ve got that whole “play offs” thing going. That’s a good thing, right?

Yeah, well, again, I just wanted to say thanks.

Someone’s coming. I gotta run. Okay, bye.

Barack! Where’s Bo?

The president was on Mythbusters last night. Did you see it? I did. Not because Obama was on the show, but in spite of it. Not a fan of Obama. Am a fan of Mythbusters.

Anyway, he asked Adam and Jamie to retest a myth:

[Direct link]

Adam and Jamie tested the myth … for the third time … and, once again, busted it. But, you know, that myth was perfect for Obama:

• It’s from Europe.
• It had been tried before, more than once, and shown to fail.
• It was paired with Hellboy.
• It involved smoke and mirrors.

I wonder if there are any other myths that would make sense for Obama to want Adam and Jamie to test?

NASA has some big announcement today. And there’s speculation that they found life in outer space.

Where? On Titan, according to the stories.

Why do the news-like people think that’s what NASA’s big announcement will be? Because of some article NASA posted back in June. It included this NASA-speak:

This lack of acetylene is important because that chemical would likely be the best energy source for a methane-based life on Titan, said Chris McKay, an astrobiologist at NASA Ames Research Center, Moffett Field, Calif., who proposed a set of conditions necessary for this kind of methane-based life on Titan in 2005. One interpretation of the acetylene data is that the hydrocarbon is being consumed as food. But McKay said the flow of hydrogen is even more critical because all of their proposed mechanisms involved the consumption of hydrogen.

What I read into all that is that there are some chemicals disappearing on a moon orbiting a planet that’s 9-1/2 times as far away from the sun as the Earth is.

Is there life on Titan causing those chemicals to disappear? Nobody knows.

But what if there is? Is it dangerous life? It might be. Every movie I’ve every seen about life on other planets involves them trying to kill us, so I don’t trust them.

We need to kill Titanians first. And, I think Obama has a plan to do just that.

NASA has been doing outreach to Muslims.

NASA has been planning a one-way space ship trip.

What do these two things mean?

Obama is going to have NASA send suicide bombers to Titan to blow it up.

Damn infidel microbes.

See? Obama knows what he’s doing after all. He’s the mostest smirt presidential president we’ve ever had.

Columbus radio makes me sad and angry. Columbus, Georgia, in case you didn’t know.

Let me explain. The “radio makes me angry” not the “Georgia” part.

I used to work in radio, back in high school and for a little bit afterwards. I know that it’s possible to play one song at a time, and not have two overlapping so you can’t hear either.

I know it’s possible to have one commercial playing at a time, not have two or three playing at the same time.

I also know it’s possible to have up-to-date commercials playing, not some Halloween Sale at the furniture store running the week after Thanksgiving.

Columbus radio stations, many of them anyway, don’t seem to understand that. The typical listener, I suppose, it just confuses. Me, it pisses off. Because I know what’s happening: there’s an idiot getting paid money (not good money, but money, anyway) to not do his job right. A job that I could do well (the production board, not the announcing part, though I did both at the same time) when I was in high school.

Maybe I’m odd that way. But, think about it. If you were witnessing someone do something you know how to do, and they always screwed it up, wouldn’t you want to say something? Or walk away shaking your head? Or take a stick and … well, you understand, right?

That kind of stuff makes me just shake my head. But, I get over it easy enough. It’s called XM Radio. When I find a local station that is playing good music (doesn’t happen often, but it does happen), I’ll listen. But, when they start screwing up (which does happen often) I switch over to XM. They don’t screw up. At least, not that I’ve noticed.

The music isn’t always what I want to hear. Some of the music from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s really sucked. But, with the number of stations they have, I can usually find something I can listen to. Heck, if Classic Vinyl or Classic Rewind are playing crappy stuff, I’ll even drop down to the 40s on 4, or Symphony Hall, or something. The point is, when the local radio stations get me in a bad mood because of their incompetence, I can find something on XM. Happens a lot. I can find music to get me out of a bad mood.

Works for lots of people. That’s why they play Christmas music on the radio starting in August. Seems like that’s when they start it.

XM does the same thing. The playing Christmas music early part. I discovered that a couple of weeks ago when I picked Wife up from work. You see, I normally listen to 60s or 70s music. But, when I picked her up, I switched the radio to XM 23 / Love.

You guys know why. Mood music. You don’t have to play mood music for a guy. Heck, listening to music doesn’t get guys in the mood. Just the fact we have dangly parts is all it takes to get guys in the mood. And music won’t get guys out of the mood. The only sounds that might get a guy out of the mood might be a baby crying. Maybe. Other than that, most guys are ready to go at the drop of a hat. Or at the drop of a skirt.

Women, though, are different characters. That’s why XM Radio (and Sirius, on channel 3) has that Love Songs channel. There are some guys helping out in programming, and they understand.

Anyway, I put the radio on Love Songs just as Wife got into the car. Mood music. And, it worked. Seems that, until the end of the year, instead of Love Songs, that channel is now Contemporary Holiday Favorites. Christmas-like music featuring John Mayer, Colbie Caillat, Josh Groban, Michael Buble, and other people I’ve never heard of. In fact, I though Josh Groban coached the Raiders at one time. Or was it Tampa Bay?

Anyway, as mood music, it worked. Only, instead of us running home and getting busy, we went to Walmart. And Kmart. And Sears. All on the same night.

And, other stores on nights since then.

Yep, that mood music really works.

Maybe we need some mood music for other things, too.

If we could find out what radio Obama listens to, maybe we could get them to play songs to make him, I don’t know, actually be an American president. Like ”God Bless the USA.” Then again, I’m not sure Obama believes in either of those.

I wonder what Obama listens to. What kind of radio programs gets him in the mood to do the things he does. Does SiriusXM have an Incompetent Channel? If so, they need to change it. And fast.

Everyone is shocked — shocked! — to discover that WikiLeaks has continued to release secret and confidential documents despite the urging of the Obama administration.

It’s almost like Obama can’t make people act nice by asking them. Didn’t the whole world listen to the 2008 campaign? Obama can stop the oceans from rising; he should be able to stop Iran from developing nukes and Julian Assange from releasing documents that are harmful to the U.S. interestes.

Unless, of course, Obama isn’t really interested in American interests. But that’s silly. I mean, it’s not like he grew up in another country. It’s not like Obama is interested in a post-America world. It’s not like he’s bowing to foreign leaders.

No, there’s no evidence whatsoever that Obama is secretly cool with the WikiLeaks releases. And, despite Obama being the most awesome thing since man descended from the trees and discovered TiVo, Assange went ahead and released the documents.

Now that the impossible has happened, what can Obama do about it?

• Blame George Bush
• Go golfing
• Play basketball
• Send Joe Biden to talk to Julian Assange
• Increase pat-downs at airports
• Go on vacation
• Extend the healthcare law
• Send SEIU personnel to “talk” to Julian Assange
• Go golfing
• Let tax cuts expire
• Email Assange a Microsoft Windows virus
• Release the GTMO detainees
• Go golfing
• Give an speech, using a woman who will lose her job in six months as a prop

Perhaps there are other things Obama can do to temper the damage of these leaks and prevent future leaks. Ideas? Anyone?

“The exercise of one’s vote is like a punch to a liberal’s dumb monkey face.” -Thomas Jefferson

“We once handled tyrants with a musket to the junk, but now we vote them out of office. I prefer the former, but the latter will do.” -George Washington

“Every time a conservative votes, God kills a hippie.” -Ronald Reagan

“It wasn’t God. I’m the one killing the hippies.” -Fred Thompson

Today is the day. Obama was all like, “I can do what I want! None of the dumb stoopids can stop me!” And then he looked at calendar and was like, “What? What is this day? I do not like this day! This is bad!” And then he curled up in the corner and put his security bucket over his head. For it is Election Day, the day we formerly respond to Obama’s and the Democrats’ job performance. It is a time to “punish our enemies,” and Obama foolishly made himself the enemy of the American people.

First off, remember to go out and vote. This is important thing number one.

Second, there is no second. Voting is only important thing.

Later we can watch the fun tonight. Tonight would be a very good night to get over Twitter-phobia and follow me there as I’ll probably be hanging out there a lot, but I’ll also put up some updates on the blog as things happen. Also, a great place to follow results will be Nate Silver’s blog at the NYTimes — probably the best thing ever to come out of the NYTimes. I know he’s supposed to be a lefty, but you really can’t tell from his blogging — just straight facts. Anyway, he has a good model to tell how things are going as soon as the earliest results come in.

And the most important thing is to have fun.

…No, wait; the most important thing is Obama not have fun. In fact, we want him to vomit in sadness. And Pelosi to have some sort of mental break. And Reid… well who care about Reid because he’ll be leaving office.

So vote and hope for good things! Be honorable, ronin.

Buttercup still stares at me with cat-level non-comprehension. Can’t wait until she’s to dog-level comprehension.

I was scared of Obama when I first saw him in 2004. I think liberals are having the same reaction about Rubio. Hopefully Rubio doesn’t end up as absolutely useless.

I was joking back in 2004 when I said Obama would destroy us all. I did not mean to be that prophetic.

Hadn’t watched baseball in a while. Don’t remember it being this painful.

The cat from tonight’s Community was one of the funniest things ever.

Orson Scott Card likes my humor (bottom of article). I once read a comic book adapted from one of his novels!

Thanks for joining us for our interview today. First, some background…

Recently, Rush Limbaugh commented on how many of the recent images of the president have a “demonic” look.

There are some pictures on the Drudge Report. I’m gonna hold them up here to the Dittocam. I’ve got too many things to do here, but, folks, these pictures, they look demonic. And I don’t say this lightly. There are a couple pictures, and the eyes, I’m not saying anything here, but just look. It is strange that these pictures would be released. *

Is Rush right? Do these recent pictures of Obama have a demonic look? We thought we’d ask some experts on demons what they thinks. So, Satan, what about these pictures?

I’m Phil, not Satan.

He was talking to me.

He was looking at me.

He called me by name.

I tell you what, we’ll go alphabetically. Why don’t you answer first, um, Phil?

What was the question?

Do the new pictures of Obama have a demonic appearance?

I don’t know.

Um, okay then. What about you, Satan?

What?

Do the new pictures of the president have a demonic appearance?

Wait. That is your president?

Yes, that’s Barack Obama…

Heh. I bet some of you right wingerz thought that Satan did that, didn’t you?

I beg your pardon?

Well, he didn’t. It was me!

Seriously? That’s your president? And you? Phil? You did that? That’s the worst you could do? Why didn’t you simply put Jimmy Carter back in office?

Obama is sending the country to Heck in a handbasket…

So, Rush is right? Those pictures are demonic?

If you’re asking if he’s a demon, then no. My big brother has all the demons working for him.

Who works for you, then?

Democrats. In their natural state … here in Heck … they are demonic rats. We shorten that to “Democrats” when we have them appear on Earth.

You see what I have to put up with? He’s an embarrassment to the family. He makes my life a living … heck.

So, Satan, you’re saying Obama isn’t demonic?

I’m saying he’s not one of mine. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be…

You do that all the time! Every time I have some success, you try to horn in on it!

So, Obama isn’t demonic? He’s simply misguided, naive, unqualified, and out of his depth?

Some think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

But, does he?

Silly human. It doesn’t matter if he knows what he’s doing or not. It’s what he’s doing that matters. And, for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my little brother.

There’s a new poll out. And it shows that the president’s approval rating isn’t all that great.

Except among Blacks.

According to the latest Gallup Poll (tip: Los Angeles Times Top of the Ticket), 91% of Blacks approve of the job Obama is doing, compared to 36% for Whites.

What?

91%?

Really, Black Folks?

Sometimes, I just don’t understand.

I grew up in southeast Georgia, where Blacks made up 40% of the population. We went to school together, played together, went to church together… But do I really understand Blacks?

Hell, I don’t understand my sisters, so understanding Blacks? That may be too much to ask.

Still, I did learn early on that Blacks and Whites do some things differently.

Like playing the card game Tonk. Or playing checkers with Flying Kings. And, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you don’t know Black Folks. Or Black Folks in the south, anyway.

Little things like that made me aware that different people … are different.

Now, it’s not just different races that do things different. Wife’s family, mostly from Alabama, for instance, has some really strange ways of playing Dominoes.

And that fits with what I learned early on: different people, whether of different races, different sexes, different locations, do and think things different from one another.

So, I suppose I’m not all that surprised that Blacks have a different opinion of Barack Obama’s job performance.

But, a difference of 91% to 36% in Obama’s approval rating? That’s more than “playing checkers with Flying Kings” different.

I suspect there’s a little bit of the whole “Black man done good” thing going on.

Only, here’s the thing: he ain’t doing all that good. And he ain’t all that Black.

It’s been a couple of years now. Time to get over that “proud of what that Black man done” thing when it comes to Obama.

Because, Obama is doing nothing positive for Blacks.

Think about this: If a politician from Georgia ran for president, what’s the first thing people would think? I’ll tell you: Jimmy Carter.

It’d be hard for someone from Georgia to get elected president. And this is nearly 30 years after Carter left office. Carter spoiled it for Sam Nunn, Zell Miller, and others who might have made decent presidents. And who knows how long it will be before any politician from Georgia could run for president and people not wonder if he’d be another Jimmy Carter?

What does that mean for Blacks? Barack Obama is the Black Jimmy Carter. Obama is screwing it up for other Blacks. He’s doing a sucky job at president. Not because he’s Black, but because he’s an incompetent fool. Just like Jimmy Carter.

So, to my Black friends — and to Blacks that aren’t my friends — that still think Obama is doing a good job: open your eyes.

And raise your standards.

Here’s an Onion article: Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus. But that got me thinking. Right now the left likes to freak out if some poll shows a few people think Obama is a Muslim or not born in this country — of course, though they’re in full freak out mode right now. But has anyone ever done a control case on these type polls? Like poll how many people think Obama is the reincarnation of Hitler or that Obama is mentally retarded or that Obama is an evil wizard? Also, could poll stuff like whether Obama is the second coming of Christ or whether Obama is an advanced human sent from the future to save us.

My guess is that a lot of people just answer these completely partisan and if they don’t like Obama they select what they consider to be the bad answer and if they like Obama they select what they consider to be the good answer — and thus the answers should change with the president’s popularity (which is why even more people think Obama is a Muslim now since everyone thinks he sucks). Nothing more to it than that. I remember some polls during the Bush years where it was like half of Democrats said they thought Bush either knew about or caused 9/11, yet Democrats didn’t really act like they thought the president murdered U.S. citizens (or, at least, I hope if Americans thought the president was a mass murderer, they’d do more than whine a whole bunch). So could people please stop freaking out about these things. All this paranoia about paranoia could lead to violence — mainly me punching you.

My local Little League baseball team was knocked out of the Little League World Series yesterday. The West team, from Waipahu, Hawaii, beat the Southeast team, from Columbus, Georgia.

Ever since Barack Obama was thrust onto the national scene, the Hawaii has been tainted by association. However, Barack Obama doesn’t have any connection with Hawaii Little League. None whatsoever.

I mean, you’ve seen him try to throw a baseball, right?

Plus, Little League requires a birth certificate.

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way — in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evel, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

There was a president with a crossbow, and a president who liked to bow.

Vladimir Putin, prime minister and former president of Russia, shot a whale with a crossbow today.

Compare that to the president of the United States, who bows to other leaders.

Remember when the United States used to have a president who … was a man?

I miss those days.

Anybody with one eye and half sense can tell that Barack Obama is a screw-up.

Some of us knew he was before he was elected. Now, everyone else is finding out what we knew all along: Barack Obama is a screw-up.

The only question remains is: how big of a screw-up is Obama?

Well, I saw today’s Gallup and Rasmussen polls. And Gallup, which poll a sample of voting-age Americans, has Obama’s approval rate at 44%:

Rasmussen, which polls a sample of likely voters, has Obama’s approval rating at 45%:

Now, think about that for a minute.

Gallup doesn’t limit to likely voters. It includes more than likely voters. Which means those not likely to vote. Those that don’t care enough to vote.

Obama is such a screw-up, that even people that don’t care are pissed at him.

I can see November from my house.

You’ve heard about Steven Slater, the JetBlue steward (they prefer “flight attendant”) who got fed up with rude people, grabbed a beer, deployed the emergency slide, and left, quitting his job.

That led to the fake story of “Jenny,” the woman who was reported to have quit her job by sending an email with messages on a dry-erase board, detailing why she quit. It was a hoax, but a lot of people fell for it, and, if it’s like many hoaxes, it’ll surface again.

The thing is, people believed the “Jenny” story because they want to. And Steven Slater shows how plausible it is.

Most adults, as much as they might like to, won’t actually do something like that. Sure, we all dream of the day we can leave the job, often ending the notice with the phrase “and the horse you rode in on.” But we won’t. We’re adults.

But not everyone is. Have you looked at the White House lately?

There’s a president to never had a real job in his life, and is shown every day to be in way over his head. You got a first lady who dresses like someone shopping at Wal-mart at 2:00 AM. There’s a press secretary who’s so frustrated that not everyone is as enamored with the president as he that he says critics (specifically those on the left) should be tested for drugs. There’s skateboarding down the halls of the presidential mansion. There’s Joe Biden (nuff said). And the list goes on.

The obvious conclusion is there’s not a responsible adult in the group.

What does that mean?

Well, adults don’t act like Slater. But none of the White House crew is adult. So, when one finally snaps, what will it be like?

Who would you like to see quit the White House in a huff? And how?

Today is Barack Obama’s birthday. At least that’s what people are saying. Without a birth certificate, it’s hard to know for sure. I blame the poor state of health care in Kenya in 1961.

Anyway, since he’s up and walking around, we’ll assume he does have a birthday, okay? I don’t think he’s a robot. Or a space alien. Although either of those would explain a lot.

No, I think he’s a human. Or close enough, anyway. And, sure, I’ll go along with today being his birthday.

Which means … PARTY! Because everyone from Georgia is all about the party, right?

So, how do we celebrate Barack Obama’s birthday?

I have some ideas:

• Find an Arab king and bow to him.
• Go on vacation. But not to the Gulf.
• Blame Bush for any gray hairs I find.
• Spend a trillion dollars. After all, it’s also Wednesday!
• Order the most expensive item on the menu, then, if they bring me a bill, tell the waitress she’s racist.
• If she’s White, tell her she’s racist anyway.
• Call Larry Sinclair, just for old time’s sake.
• Tax the rich.
• Tax the poor.
• Blame Bush for taxes going up.
• Tell everyone on teh Twitters how awesome I am.

Those are my ideas. You have any suggestions?