How the Stimulus saved us

In case you weren’t aware, Barack Obama is teh awesomest person in the whole wide world. Just ask him. Or Nancy Pelosi.

The former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader who represents Planet San Francisco, told The Weekly Standard that, without Obama’s 2009 Stimulus, we’d be in worse shape than we are now:

“Without the Recovery Act and accompanying federal interventions, whether from the Fed, or Cash for Clunkers, or other initiatives, the unemployment rate last year at the time of the election would have been fourteen and a half percent, not nine and a half percent,” said Minority Leader Pelosi.

You see? You see? The Stimulus was a good thing. Crazy Aunt Nancy said so.

I wonder why she stopped there, though. Because there must have been more that the Obama Stimulus did. Because Obama and the Democrats are so awesome you know.

We did some digging, and found out that, not only did the Obama Stimulus save 8.3 million imaginary jobs, it did a bunch of other things, too.

  • It helped Steve Jobs invent the iPad.
  • The stimulus kept the asteroid 99942 Apophis from striking the Earth.
  • It killed Osama bin Laden.
  • The stimulus won Super Bowl XLV.
  • It blew up the Death Star.
  • The stimulus is what gave the Old Spice Guy his job.
  • That thing you thought you lost? The stimulus actually found it and put it there on the table for you.
  • It kept the sun from burning out.
  • Remember when Global Warming was going to melt all the ice caps by 2011? The stimulus stopped it.
  • The stimulus saved Chuck Norris.
  • It kept Windows 7 from sucking as bad as Windows Vista.
  • The stimulus kept Pluto from leaving the solar system after scientists fired it.

There are so many wonderful things the stimulus has done, we need a new one every month.

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The obligatory “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” parody

Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…

But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!

The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”

“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”

“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”

And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.

The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.

She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.

She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?

Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.

She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

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Job well done

Nancy Pelosi summed up her term as Speaker of the House: “Job well done.”

No, really. She actually said that:

“We believe we did the right thing, and we worked very hard in our campaigns to convey that to the American people,” she said. “Nine and a half percent unemployment is a very eclipsing event. If people don’t have a job, they’re not too interested in how you intend for them to have a job. They want to see results.”

Asked to assess her tenure, Pelosi quickly answered, “Job well done.”

See? You thought I made that up. But I didn’t. She actually said that.

But, you know, thinking about it … she may be right. Depending on what she thought her job was.

  • If you thought your job was to bring America to the brink of financial ruin, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to make Americans miss having Republicans in charge, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to ram through ill-conceived, unwanted legislation, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to stand there and look stupid, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to bring Congress’ approval rating down to all-time lows, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to help Americans understand that voters in your district are stark raving mad, then job well done.
  • If you thought your job was to be the punchline of a joke, then job well done.

How would you assess Nancy Pelosi’s job?

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Sound familiar?

We won last night

We’re now in full control of the situation

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Swastikas and symbols like that

Nancy Pelosi has uncovered that Nazis are behind the protests at health care town hall meeting (tip: Wizbang):

[Direct link]

Interviewer: Do you think there’s legitimate grassroot opposition going on here?
Pelosi: “I think they’re Astroturf… You be the judge. “They’re carrying swastikas and symbols like that to a town meeting on healthcare.”

“Symbols like that?” That means it’s not just the Nazis, but other groups that the Democrats feel are just like Nazis.

“Who?” you ask. I’m glad you asked.


Star of David

Walmart vest
Wal-mart workers

New York Yankees hat
Sports fans

Medic Alert

Be a good Democrat. If you see anyone wearing hate symbols like these, report them. They are dangerous.

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Yakko’s Bailout

And now, Yakko Warner explains the bailout…
Continue reading ‘Yakko’s Bailout’ »

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Fun with math: Nancy Pelosi edition . . .


Continue reading ‘Fun with math: Nancy Pelosi edition . . .’ »

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Washington D.C. trendsetters . . .

First we had the Palin hairdo at the RNC convention, and now Speaker Pelosi rolled out a new hairdo for her big day failing miserably at getting a bailout bill passed . . .

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Here’s a free lecture from the Nancy Pelosi School of Leadership and Coalition Building . . .

Did she really expect it to pass after this? I can’t tell if she intentionally shafted the plan, hoping for an economic catastrophe to shore up her power, or is so clueless and senile (from decades long abuse of hair dye, and pressure on the brain from having her face pulled back like a sling shot rubber band), that she is incapable of leading anything except a radical cabal. It hasn’t earned the name “Do Nothing Congress” for nothing. The final tally was 207-226, with Democrats supporting it 141-94, while Republicans opposed it 66-132. 40% of her own party doesn’t care what she thinks.

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