Name that school

NathanBedfordForrestThere’s a school in Jacksonville that is going to get a new name.

Nathan B. Forrest High School (Go Rebels!) won’t be Nathan B. Forrest High School much longer. The reason? Somebody didn’t like who Nathan B. Forrest was.

So, who was Nathan B. Forrest? Other than Forrest Gump’s ancestor? Well, he was a slave trader before the War Between the States, a Confederate general in the War, and a member of the first incarnation of the Ku Klux Klan after the war.

You may wonder how Nathan B. Forrest High School came by that name, particularly when over half the students are black. Well, neither they nor their parents were consulted in the naming, that’s for sure. Most of the students at Nathan B. Forrest High School come from either J.E.B. Stuart Middle School (Home of the Raiders) or Jefferson Davis Middle School (Home of the Chargers). So, I assume you’re seeing a pattern here.

Anyway, Nathan B. Forrest High School won’t be Nathan B. Forrest High School much longer. The Duval County School Board voted to change the name. But they don’t know what to. As soon as they come up with a name, they’ll spend around $400,000 to change signs, stationery, uniforms, and such.

And here’s where we can help.

Let’s come up with a name for Nathan B. Forrest High School. Other than Nathan B. Forrest High School. Leave them in the comments. Whatever you do, don’t call the school board directly. Leave the suggestions here, so the school board can get some really great ideas.

I’ll start.

  • Generic High School
  • John Doe High School
  • He Who Shall Not Be Named High School
  • Cthulhu High School
  • James T. Kirk High School
  • John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt High School
  • Frank J. Fleming High School
  • Inigo Montoya High School
  • Heywood Jablome High School
  • Pussy Galore High School
  • Plenty O’Toole High School
  • Bond, James Bond High School
  • Jack Goff High School
  • Buster Cherry High School
  • Mike Hunt High School
  • Sofonda Peters High School
  • Oliver Klozoff High School
  • Jacques Strap High School
  • Seymour Butz High School
  • Hugh Jass High School
  • Amanda Hugginkiss High School
  • Blast HardCheese High School
  • Dirk HardPec High School
  • Smoke ManMuscle High School
  • Bob Johnson High School

Not sure if those will work. What ideas have you on the matter?

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African-American Friday

Today is what used to be called “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving, and one of the busiest shopping days of the year.

The origin of the term is in dispute. It’s commonly thought of as the day that helps retailers go “in the black” (turn a profit) because of the large volume of sales. Early references, however, indicate that the term was coined by transit drivers to refer to troublesome traffic because of the large amount of shoppers’ traffic.

Whatever the origin, it’s become a good thing, with the sales/profit aspect being most common in people’s thoughts.

But, can we still call it “Black Friday?” Isn’t that racist?

You see, sales and profit are hallmarks of capitalism. And capitalism is supported by conservatives — even by conservatives that don’t know they’re conservative. And, since capitalism is tied to conservatives, it must be racist. So, “Black Friday” is racist.

How do we fix it?

Easy. Call it “African-American Friday.”

I know. You’re saying, “That’s stupid.” And, you’d be right. But it’s no more stupid than calling blacks “African-American.” For example, what about Naomi Campbell? Or Lennox Lewis? Or Robin Szolkowy? You can’t call them “African-American.” Unless you’re that CNN anchor who I heard call a Black Briton an “African-American Briton” before stammering slightly and continuing on with the story.

Okay, okay, enough with the logic. On with the show.

Today is “African-American Friday.” Grab your Led Zeppelin IV, throw it in your car stereo, crank up “African-American Dog” and go shopping. You may have someone on your Christmas list who wants a new “African-American & Decker” power tool, so be sure to stop by the hardware store. And, don’t forget college football this weekend. It’s rivalry week, and one of the games in the SEC will be the Bulldogs from Mississippi State hosting the Ole Miss “African-American Bears.”

But, I’m sure there are many other ways to celebrate “African-American Friday.” Find an appropriate way.

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Maybe Cleveland has a good idea after all

You may recall a week or so ago when word came out that Cleveland was putting high-tech trash cans out that would rat out people who don’t recycle.

The trash cans have chips inside that can tell when you take the recycle can to the curb … and when you don’t. And that’s the key. When you don’t … and if it thinks you’ve gone too long without taking out recyclables, it will contact the city and tell them. Then they send a trash cop out to look around in your trash.

I don’t think I like the idea. Because, well, what has Cleveland ever done that was a good idea? No, really. Okay, they signed Jim Brown to play football, but that was 53 years ago. And he quit playing football after nine years. Even a bad-ass like Jim Brown couldn’t stomach Cleveland for too long.

Smart trash cans isn’t along the line as sign-Jim-Brown-to-play-football smart. It’s stupid. The trash cans are smart, but the whole idea is stupid.

Really, do you want your trash can calling and telling on you? I bet even Oscar the Grouch wouldn’t want a tattle-tell trash can.

But, maybe, just maybe, we can use that technology for something good instead of narcing on you about recycling.

For instance, we could put those chips in Obama’s golf clubs. Then, if he goes too long without taking the clubs to a golf course, then me might be in Washington trying to screw up the country some more. It could call someone who would send him a free pass to a golf course. As long as Obama is hitting the links, he’s not hitting the economy in the nuts.

There could be chips placed on Democrat Congressmen. When too many get together at one time, you know they’re planning something bad. So, it would call Fox News or Andrew Breitbart and they’d show up with a camera, scaring the Democrat Congressmen back into their little holes in the ground.

They could put one on Rosie O’Donnell. That way, whenever she showed up somewhere, it could call anyone in the area so they could run away.

One on Al Gore could call the police whenever he got near a masseuse.

One on Barney Frank could call the police whenever he went out in public.

One on Roman Polanski could call all the parents of teenage girls so they could hide their daughters.

One on Ron Paul could call everybody whenever he went somewhere. His supporters would all show up, and the rest of us could go somewhere else, confident that we’d be free of them for a few minutes.

So, maybe we could take the technology Cleveland is using to play trash police and put it to some good use.

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Ole Miss needs a mascot

The University of Mississippi — Ole Miss — is going to have a new mascot. And, the students voted on whether or not the students should have a say in the mascot (tip: Paul Mitchell). Yes, they voted on whether to vote. Now, I’ll admit that I’ve attended meetings to schedule meetings, but I have never voted on voting. I need to think about that.

Anyway, Ole Miss has said goodbye to Colonel Rebel. Because he’s racist. I mean, look at him…

So, who should replace Colonel Rebel? The leading candidate is Admiral Ackbar. Yes, the character from Star Wars. Really.

But, George Lucas will never agree. So, what’s Ole Miss to do?

I have some ideas.

Burl Ives would be a good choice…

They’d replace the “From Dixie With Love” as the fight song with “Jimmy Crack Corn.”

Another idea would be Harland Sanders, a successful southern businessman…

They could even pass out fried chicken at the games. Fried chicken isn’t racist, is it?

If southern characters are eliminated — because of the reminder that Ole Miss is actually in Mississippi — there is a character from up north that might work. I’m thinking about Sam The Snowman from
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

They could sing “Holly Jolly Christmas” at games. Or “We’re A Couple Of Misfits.”

However, there is another possibility. What about an historical character that would be closely related to those that decided to get rid of Colonel Rebel to begin with. Who? Why, Leon Trotsky, of course…

Any of these would be suitable candidates for the job of mascot at Ole Miss. Unless you have another idea?

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