Last week, Dr. Richard B. Hoover, an astrobiologist with NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center, announced that there was evidence of alien life in meteorites.

According to his report at the Journal of Cosmology, life is common in the universe:

…these fossilized bacteria are not Earthly contaminants but are the fossilized remains of living organisms which lived in the parent bodies of these meteors, e.g. comets, moons, and other astral bodies. Coupled with a wealth of date published elsewhere and in previous editions of the Journal of Cosmology, and as presented in the edited text, “The Biological Big Bang”, the implications are that life is everywhere, and that life on Earth may have come from other planets.

As evidence, he offered photos of what looked like life.

© Journal of Cosmology

But the surprising news doesn’t stop there, according to Dr. Hoover. “Building on this conclusion — that is, if it looks like life, then it’s probably life — we now have proof that poodles live in the earth’s sky.”

While some scientists are skeptical of Dr. Hoover’s latest claim, he offered additional photos to support his hypothesis.

“You see this? There’s no doubt that it’s a poodle. But closer examination shows that it’s floating in the sky with clouds,” Dr. Hoover said. “It’s obvious that giant floating poodles live on the earth. In fact, there may be additional giant floating dogs, not just poodles, that live in the sky.”

While there is no photographic evidence of other airborne canines, Dr. Hoover suggests that other evidence points to their existence.

“The meteorites that contain microscopic slugs? How did they get to earth? I think that other sky-dogs may have seen the asteroids zipping by in space and, well, essentially played ‘fetch’ with them, bringing them to earth and dropping them on us,” Dr. Hoover concluded.

The scientist stated that more research needed to be done. He said that once NASA learns more about the giant floating dogs, it is possible they could be trained to not only fetch, but to also deliver satellites into space.

“The possibilities are endless,” Dr. Hoover said.

The sun has launched an attack on the earth.

A solar flare was emitted Tuesday, and it’s heading this way.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) said the possible effects from the geomagnetic storm include power grid fluctuations, impact on satellite operations, effects on migratory animals and the visibility of auroras in places like New York, Idaho, Michigan and Maine.

Yes, it’s hitting any moment now.

It may have already hit. But, I don’t think it has, since life on earth hasn’t burned up and the continents haven’t turned into pools of molten rock.

And, did you notice that one of the places impacted would be Idaho? Frank J. lives near there, I think. And the CME could affect his blogging. I don’t know if it’ll make it better or worse, but I don’t like change, so whatever happens, I won’t like it.

But, let’s look at the bigger picture. This solar attack is like the plot out of a bad direct-to-video movie that airs on the SyFy Channel or something. Which means that we need to be on the lookout for other SyFy-based threats. Like Meteors, Mega Piranha, Mega Pythons, Gatoroids, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson.

We also need to ask why. Why is the sun attacking us?

I think it’s pissed that humans are trying to take credit for global warming, when it’s the sun that causes the earth to warm up and cool down. The sun has sat there, 93-million miles away, watching us. And it’s tired of Al Gore giving credit to humans for its work.

I think we need to take all the “global warming/climate change/whatever it’s called next” crowd and put them in a rocket and shoot them off into space. Not like some B Ark plot, but to distract the CMEs. It’ll see the rocket ship full of screaming environmentalists and direct its attention that way.

Al Gore could end up saving the earth after all.

Even then, we won’t be completely safe. There’s still the threat of Tiffany vs Debbie Gibson.

NASA has some big announcement today. And there’s speculation that they found life in outer space.

Where? On Titan, according to the stories.

Why do the news-like people think that’s what NASA’s big announcement will be? Because of some article NASA posted back in June. It included this NASA-speak:

This lack of acetylene is important because that chemical would likely be the best energy source for a methane-based life on Titan, said Chris McKay, an astrobiologist at NASA Ames Research Center, Moffett Field, Calif., who proposed a set of conditions necessary for this kind of methane-based life on Titan in 2005. One interpretation of the acetylene data is that the hydrocarbon is being consumed as food. But McKay said the flow of hydrogen is even more critical because all of their proposed mechanisms involved the consumption of hydrogen.

What I read into all that is that there are some chemicals disappearing on a moon orbiting a planet that’s 9-1/2 times as far away from the sun as the Earth is.

Is there life on Titan causing those chemicals to disappear? Nobody knows.

But what if there is? Is it dangerous life? It might be. Every movie I’ve every seen about life on other planets involves them trying to kill us, so I don’t trust them.

We need to kill Titanians first. And, I think Obama has a plan to do just that.

NASA has been doing outreach to Muslims.

NASA has been planning a one-way space ship trip.

What do these two things mean?

Obama is going to have NASA send suicide bombers to Titan to blow it up.

Damn infidel microbes.

See? Obama knows what he’s doing after all. He’s the mostest smirt presidential president we’ve ever had.

In this ABC News story, it talks about “scientists” opposing Governor Jindal’s plan to deal with the oil spill. It never mentions who these scientists are or where they come from, because I guess it doesn’t matter because all you need to know is they’re scientists and thus right because they use Science!

Which gets me thinking: I’m a scientist. Well, I have a bachelors in science. And I like to study stuff like the science of humor. So I’m a scientist. That means that when you quote me, you shouldn’t say that, “Frank J. says…” You should say, “Scientists say…” So here are some new scientifical statements:

Scientists say that more funding and research needs to be devoted to dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them and space lasers.

Scientists say that lab tests on monkeys aren’t quite cruel enough yet.

Scientists say the best strategy for the president during a crisis is to accidentally lock himself in a trunk so he’ll stay out of the way of anyone who actually knows how to do something useful.

Scientists say we’re almost out of Doritos and should get more.

Scientists say that Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a really fun game.

Scientists say that SarahK should get up and get her own water instead of having her husband do it after he’s already sat down for dinner.

Scientists say that the cat should stop clawing people while they write or it’s going to get popped in the face.

Scientists say, “Buy my t-shirts.”

Remember, you can’t question any of this, because I… wield… Science!

Young Einstein was right: e=mc2 is the formula for splitting beer atoms

I’m a big fan of space exploration. Whether it’s because I truly believe that it’s to the benefit of all mankind that we push the boundaries of exploration, or if it’s just because it reminds me of Star Trek, I don’t know. Probably the latter. Anyway, I’m a big fan of space exploration.

A lot of Americans used to be that way, too.

However, ever since the summer of 1969, space exploration hasn’t seemed to have the country’s attention like it used to. What happened in the summer of ’69? The Apollo 11 landing. And the last first-run episode of Star Trek. Not sure which caused the drop in interest in space.

Science! has another way to blind us

We need something to get people’s attention. And our good friend, Science!, has supplied it.

Beer.

In case you missed it — and I did until I was it on History Channel’s The Universe — there are clouds of beer in space.

Okay, it’s not exactly beer. But it’s alcohol, similar in structure to the alcohol in beer.

Geoff Macdonald, who has a keen interest in such matters, calculated that there is enough for 300,000 pints of beer for every person on Earth every day for the next billion years

Space has beer for the taking. That ought to get people’s attention. And it ought to increase the interest in space exploration.

Now, me? I don’t drink beer. I don’t drink any alcoholic beverages at all. I’m that much of a Baptist.

But you know what that means? When we all go to space after the space beer, I’m the designated driver.

Where do babies come from?

Wrong!!!

All this time, you thought it had something to do with “when a man loves a woman…” Or, maybe a Barry White song instead of a Percy Sledge (or Michael Bolton) song.

That is so early 21st century. We’ve moved beyond that.

Scientists have created eggs and sperm from stem cells.

Scientists at Stanford University in California found the right cocktail of chemicals and vitamins to coax the cells into becoming eggs and sperm.

The sperm had heads and short tails and are thought to have been mature enough to fertilise an egg.

The eggs were at a much earlier stage but were still much more developed than any created so far by other scientists.

While this is certainly interesting, what if babies realize that they don’t need men or women in order to be born?

Sure, the average baby isn’t all that smart. A typical infant is only slightly smarter than the average Democrat. But what about those Baby Einsteins that the Disney company made smart?

Don’t be fooled. Those Baby Einsteins are smart. They figured out how to get smart, then get their money back from Disney. Scary smart, those Baby Einsteins.

So, if smart babies learn how to make other babies, they’d probably make more smart babies. Then we’d be overrun with smart babies.

Not worried about that? Read that whole article again. Especially this part:

The science also raises the possibility of ‘male eggs’ made from men’s skin and ‘female sperm’ from women’s skin.

This would allow gay couples to have children genetically their own

Think about this. What if genius gay babies try to take over the world?

You know what? They’ll succeed?

Who would fight them? If it was Godzilla, we’d send the Army out to fight them. But it’s not Godzilla. It’s smart gay babies. We can’t send the Army to fight smart gay babies. They’re babies, for crying out loud.

On the other hand, maybe Obama would make his mind up to take a stand against smart gay babies. But I doubt it.

Smart babies, yes, he’d send the troops to fight against. But smart gay babies? That’s part of his constituency. The gay part, not the baby part. Or the smart part.

So, if babies tried to take over the world, Obama would fight against them. But if smart gay babies try, we’re screwed.

And not in the way that we used to make babies.

Sky News reports that, at the University of Pittsburgh, a monkey fitted with a hi-tech brain chip has learned to move a complex robotic arm using mind control.

You read that right.

Monkeys controlling robots with their minds.

One science guy, who wears a lab coat, says it’s all for the public good:

Neurobiologist Dr Andy Schwartz said: “What we’re trying to do is go to a very dextrous hand – where the functionality is very similar to the human hand. If we could help stroke patients there would be a huge market for this kind of device.”

I’m not sure, but I think the guy that’s the mad scientist behind this is a nice guy. But letting monkeys control robots?

Don’t let Frank J. find out. He’s got a lot on his mind right now, what with writing all teh funneh, making up lies about the president (but true lies, not those awful false lies), and planning the birthday of someone who is very special to him (and the rest of us, too).

That’s a lot of pressure. He doesn’t need any more. Especially since he has to find the perfect birthday present for his wife. All married men know that if you don’t find the perfect gift, you might as well just dig a hole, crawl in, and cover yourself up. Your life is over if you screw up the wife’s birthday present.

So, Frank J. doesn’t need any extra pressure. I sure won’t do anything to cause any extra pressure on him. About his wife’s birthday.

And this story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds might freak him out. ‘Cause it’s freaky.

I mean, do you get the idea that scientists are like rednecks, only with test tubes and laboratories instead of beer cans and deer stands?

I mean, a redneck will get liquored up, hop on a four-wheeler and try to jump his mom’s car. He’ll make it about half-way across. It’s like, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Then they’ve got a “Here’s Your Sign” winner.

Same way with these scientists. “Hello, colleagues, observe!” They wire up a monkey to a robot and let it control it with its mind.

We’ve all been worrying about SkyNet taking over. And, if it does, it will be a cross between Terminator and Planet of the Apes: monkey-controlled robots.

There’s a storm coming … and it’s a mad house, a mad house!

The Japanese are testing “stink-free” underwear on the space station. Reuters reports that Koichi Wakata is trying them out the “J-ware”:

“He can wear his trunks (underwear) more than a week,” said Koji Yanagawa, an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency.

Wakata’s clothes, developed by researcher Yoshiko Taya, are designed to kill bacteria, absorb water, insulate the body and dry quickly. They also are flame-resistant and anti-static, not to mention comfortable and stylish.

Having served in the military, I understand first hand about being in situations where you can’t change your clothes … including socks and underwear … on a regular basis. Even then, we washed certain areas (a “whore’s bath”), even if we weren’t able to change clothes. However, it was not by choice, but by circumstance. Such items would be great for those circumstances.

The thing about the Reuters report that really caught my eye? This:

The Japanese space agency plans to make the clothes available to NASA and its other space station partners once development is complete. A commercial line also is in the offing.

Read that last sentence again: “A commercial line also is in the offing.”

You’ll be able to buy this stuff at Sears. Or Wal-mart.

Think about that.

This scientific breakthrough will allow some folks to go a week or more without washing their ass.

Ain’t technocracy great?

What’s next? J-ware socks, so you don’t have to wash your feet? J-ware undershirts so you don’t have to wash or use deodorant? I shudder to think what else science has in store for us.