Posts Tagged ‘Storyboards’

I M Verizon

Friday, September 13, 2013 10:00 am

VW-IAmWeasel
Based on a true story

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2012

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone.

IMWeasel2
Let’s see how long it’s been… Oh, you’ve reached the 20-month date for an upgrade. So, you can get the discounted price. Was there a particular phone you were looking at? Another Droid, perhaps?

Basil
Actually, I was looking at one of these iPhones.

VW-IMWeasel3
That’s a good phone. And, it’s only $199 on a two-year contract.

Basil
So, the contract will run to 2014? And if I want to upgrade again?

VW-IMWeasel3
In 20 months.

Basil
I’ll take it.

April 12, 2013

IBRedGuy
"Dear Valued Verizon Wireless Customer:

We at Verizon are changing our renewal terms. We don't care that the terms were 20-months when you signed the contract. We're changing the terms on our side before the contract ends. You still have to honor your end, though. Or we'll, like, take you to court, screw up your credit report, and anything else we can think of.

Please understand, Valued, that we're doing this to serve you better. Or something."

Columbus, Georgia
September 13, 2013

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone. I want to pre-order one of the new ones, the iPhone 5c.

VW-IMWeasel3
Certainly. That’ll be $549. Plus tax.

Basil
What about the 20-month upgrade?

IMWeasel2
Didn’t you get our letter earlier this year? We changed the terms.

Basil
So, you mean, I signed the contract when your policy was to upgrade at 20 months, which was earlier this month? And you decided to change your side of the contract, but hold me to mine?

IMWeasel2
Yes, sir. That’s what the email said.

Basil
Tell you what. Keep your damn phone.

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2014

ATT-IAmWeasel
Welcome to AT&T. How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

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Trusted Friend

Friday, July 5, 2013 10:00 am

Basil1960PhoneCall
[Marimba ringtone plays]

BasilButterfly
Hello?

basil75
Hey. It’s me.

BasilButterfly
Who is this?

basil75
Me. Or you. From your past.

BasilButterfly
Um, what do you want?

basil75
Yeah, I wanted to call you and tell you it’s a bad idea.
(more…)

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians II

Friday, January 18, 2013 9:00 am


It’s S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!
(more…)

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RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!

Saturday, August 25, 2012 12:51 am

GOP
Hi, everyone. I want you to meet our nominee, Governor Mitt Romney!

Mitt
Thank you! I’m proud that I’m going to be your nominee.

RONPAUL!!1!!
You’re no different than Obama!! Vote RONPAUL!!1!!!
(more…)

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Justified

Friday, April 20, 2012 10:40 pm


On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I’m fighting for my soul, God get at your boy
You try to bogart — fall back, I go hard
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I see them long hard times to come…


Raylan, I need you to pack your bags. You’re going to Detroit.

(more…)

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Bewitched

Thursday, October 6, 2011 7:55 am


Abner! Abner! They’re doing it again!


Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?


Those strange people in that house across the street.


I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!
(more…)

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The Road Runner Show

Monday, September 26, 2011 5:00 am


Whatcha watchin’?


Cartoons.


Why aren’t you watching the news?


This is more real.


I like the news.



(more…)

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Waitin’ on Frank, featuring Karl Childers

Friday, September 16, 2011 8:18 am



I’m waitin’ on Frank.



Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.





I like th’ way he writes.

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Messin’ wit’ french fried potaters

Friday, September 16, 2011 5:00 am


Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.


Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.


I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.


It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.


Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ‘em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.


Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

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Economic advice

Friday, September 9, 2011 4:00 am


What can we do for you, Mr. President?


Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.


You need to give a speech!


Speech! Give a speech!


Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

(more…)

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Which One’s Crazier?

Saturday, July 9, 2011 6:00 am

Hulu
The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Guy Smiley
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One's Crazier
Which One’s Crazier?

Guy Smiley
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

Frank J
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Guy Smiley
Frank, what do you do for a living?

Frank J
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Guy Smiley
Our next contestant…

Harvey
All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Guy Smiley
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

Harvey
You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

Guy Smiley
And, finally…

Basil
Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Guy Smiley
Where do you work, Basil?

Basil
You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Guy Smiley
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
(more…)

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Replacing Ed Schultz

Friday, May 27, 2011 7:55 am


Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.


Danke, mein Herr!


Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?


Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
(more…)

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The Situation Room

Tuesday, May 3, 2011 8:18 am


We now join “The Situation Room,” already in progress.


This thing get XBox?


Let the adults talk. We’ll get to you in a minute.


Why don’t I get to sit at the table? You always make me sit over here in the corner.


Shouldn’t you be out playing golf?


I was. But I heard somebody say I was going to be on the big TV screen. But he pronounced my name wrong. Again. I think he did it on purpose. Make him stop.


Judas Priest! I could have been appearing on stage with Jeff Dunham. Instead I’m stuck here with you clowns.


Let’s see… W-W-W-dot-white-house-dot-com… Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. I’m gonna see boobies. Heh heh heh. Hey! There’s no boobies here! Your husband lied to me!


What are you talking about?


Nothing. Never mind.


Damn fly-boy.


Sir, I’m Director for Counterterrorism. We’re making a raid on our most-wanted terrorist. Why am I stuck in the back?


Missy, we already got one chick sittin’ at the big table. Now go get me some coffee. And be quick about it.


I want one of those cool silver computers with the lit-up apple on it. Trump gets one of those! Why can’t I get one of those?


If you sit quietly and behave, we’ll see about getting you one for Christmas.


Christmas? What’s Christmas? Is that where we hang lanterns? I don’t want to wait that long. I want a silver Apple now!


He’s right. I can’t find Angry Birds on this one.


Damn fly-boy.


When do we get to see the terror guy?


They’ll get to him in just a little bit.


Are you sure this is live TV? It’s all dark and stuff. I was just outside and I saw the sun. I don’t think this is live TV. Is this TiVo or something?


It’s later over there. Remember what I told you about the sun and the earth? That’s why it’s already dark over there. But they’ll get to him in just a little bit.


Don’t shoot him in the head and drop the body in a park. You’ll never hear the end of it.


Well, then shoot him in the head and drop him in the ocean. Fish gotta eat, too. Speaking of which, when’s the pizza getting here? I’ve been here all day and haven’t eaten. I tell ya, war is hell.

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The $25,000 Pyramid

Friday, February 4, 2011 7:36 am


You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.


Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.


Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.


People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.


Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey


I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

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The obligatory “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” parody

Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:19 pm


Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…


But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!


The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.


It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.


But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.


But,
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”


“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”


“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”


And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.


The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.


She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.


She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?


Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.


She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

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NASA discovers life on Earth

Friday, December 3, 2010 6:59 am


Hello, I’m Dwayne Brown, NASA’s token black guy. And I’m here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they’ve discovered life on Earth.


Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.


Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?


Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?
(more…)

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It doesn’t ad up

Monday, November 1, 2010 10:06 pm

Sunday


Hello? Delaware Channel 28?


Uhhhh. What?


I’m trying to reach Channel 28. Have I reached the correct number?


Uhhhh. Sure, yeah.


This is Christine O’Donnell. I had paid to have an ad run at 11:30, and it didn’t run.
(more…)

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Demonic?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010 7:21 am

Basil
Thanks for joining us for our interview today. First, some background…


Recently, Rush Limbaugh commented on how many of the recent images of the president have a “demonic” look.

There are some pictures on the Drudge Report. I’m gonna hold them up here to the Dittocam. I’ve got too many things to do here, but, folks, these pictures, they look demonic. And I don’t say this lightly. There are a couple pictures, and the eyes, I’m not saying anything here, but just look. It is strange that these pictures would be released. *

Basil
Is Rush right? Do these recent pictures of Obama have a demonic look? We thought we’d ask some experts on demons what they thinks. So, Satan, what about these pictures?


I’m Phil, not Satan.


He was talking to me.


He was looking at me.


He called me by name.

Basil
I tell you what, we’ll go alphabetically. Why don’t you answer first, um, Phil?


What was the question?

Basil
Do the new pictures of Obama have a demonic appearance?


I don’t know.

Basil
Um, okay then. What about you, Satan?


What?

Basil
Do the new pictures of the president have a demonic appearance?


Wait. That is your president?

Basil
Yes, that’s Barack Obama…


Heh. I bet some of you right wingerz thought that Satan did that, didn’t you?

Basil
I beg your pardon?


Well, he didn’t. It was me!


Seriously? That’s your president? And you? Phil? You did that? That’s the worst you could do? Why didn’t you simply put Jimmy Carter back in office?


Obama is sending the country to Heck in a handbasket…

Basil
So, Rush is right? Those pictures are demonic?


If you’re asking if he’s a demon, then no. My big brother has all the demons working for him.

Basil
Who works for you, then?


Democrats. In their natural state … here in Heck … they are demonic rats. We shorten that to “Democrats” when we have them appear on Earth.


You see what I have to put up with? He’s an embarrassment to the family. He makes my life a living … heck.

Basil
So, Satan, you’re saying Obama isn’t demonic?


I’m saying he’s not one of mine. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be…


You do that all the time! Every time I have some success, you try to horn in on it!

Basil
So, Obama isn’t demonic? He’s simply misguided, naive, unqualified, and out of his depth?


Some think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Basil
But, does he?


Silly human. It doesn’t matter if he knows what he’s doing or not. It’s what he’s doing that matters. And, for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my little brother.

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Mythbusters: Republicans

Thursday, September 16, 2010 10:53 pm


Tonight … on “Mythbusters” … we’ll look at myths about today’s Republican Party.

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will look at what’s right … and what’s not right … about the party of the right.


With recent election results … and even more recent primary results … there has been a lot of discussion about what actions the Republicans should take.


The conventional wisdom …


Is that the Republican National Convention?


Ha ha. Very funny. The conventional wisdom is that if the Republican Party swings hard to the right, they’ll alienate most Americans and ensure that Democrats will retain power.


We’re going to build a Republican Party that’s a Big Tent Republican Party. Then we’ll test how well it works.


We’ll start with the base. There’s the gun owners. You know, the Second Amendment crowd.


Over here, we have some who are proud of their country. Typical conservatives.


Okay, that’s a start. This sounds a lot like the TEA Party or the Sarah Palin crowd. But aren’t we going to include more than just stereotypical conservatives?


How about some independents, like those that helped elect Obama? You can’t win without them.


Let’s throw in some Charles Johnson types. That’ll keep the religious right in check.


We can’t leave out the Ron Paul group. Ron Paul! Ron Paul!!! Ron Paul!!1!!!11!!


There are the old guard. The establishment. They used to be called “Rockefeller Republicans.” And they crap themselves every time a candidate supported by the TEA Party is successful.


Those scared of Sarah Palin? Got them covered, too. Can’t let her take charge of things, can we?


What about those moderates that try to balance conservative principals with cooperating with liberals? Everyone knows that compromise is the way to go. As long as by “compromise with” we mean “give in to” liberals.


What do you think? Do we have enough of a big tent crowd? We have those scared of Palin and the TEA Party, moderates, Ron Paul supporters, Obama voters, the Charles Johnson crowd…


Let’s try this group out and see how it does. Tory? Go run an election with this crowd?


OOF!


OUCH!


Tory’s election day performance with a Republican Party that compromised true conservative beliefs and included nutcases from all over the spectrum … didn’t go so well.


Well, there’s your problem!


This Republican Party we put together doesn’t stand true to conservative principals. Instead, it’s a large group of a bunch of small groups.


Since they don’t share the same principals, they are always fighting each other.


This Republican Party looks like Democrats Lite. That’s why the GOP lost the White House in 2008. Sure, the Republican candidate had some good qualities, is a war hero, and is an honorable man and a fine American. But he isn’t true to the conservative principals of Goldwater or Reagan. And he got his clock cleaned.


Jamie and I have been exposed to this Big Tent Republican Party for too long. We need to scrub ourselves clean.


While Adam and Jamie remove the stench of moderates, we’ll leave you with this reminder: conservatives will be attacked by Democrats, and by some Republicans. And, you won’t win every battle. But, you’ll come out stronger for it.

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Batman: The Ultimate Plan

Friday, August 6, 2010 9:46 pm


I don’t understand it, Commissioner. Four super villans who spent the last five years in solitary confinement have escaped, and we have no idea what their plan is?


That is what is so confounding about this, Batman. One day, they were all safely locked away. The next, poof! They’re gone and we don’t know why!


With all four on the loose, the whole world is in danger.


That’s what worries me, Chum: the unknown. Rarely does the unknown turn out well.


Meanwhile, at the villans’ secret underground headquarters…
(more…)

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