Abner! Abner! They’re doing it again!

Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?

Those strange people in that house across the street.

I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!
(more…)

Whatcha watchin’?

Cartoons.

Why aren’t you watching the news?

This is more real.

I like the news.

…
(more…)

…

I’m waitin’ on Frank.

…

Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.

…

…

…

I like th’ way he writes.

Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.

Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.

I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.

It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.

Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ‘em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.

Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

What can we do for you, Mr. President?

Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.

You need to give a speech!

Speech! Give a speech!

Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

(more…)

The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One’s Crazier?

Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Frank, what do you do for a living?

I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Our next contestant…

All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

And, finally…

Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Where do you work, Basil?

You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
(more…)

Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.

Danke, mein Herr!

Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?

Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
(more…)

We now join “The Situation Room,” already in progress.

This thing get XBox?

Let the adults talk. We’ll get to you in a minute.

Why don’t I get to sit at the table? You always make me sit over here in the corner.

Shouldn’t you be out playing golf?

I was. But I heard somebody say I was going to be on the big TV screen. But he pronounced my name wrong. Again. I think he did it on purpose. Make him stop.

Judas Priest! I could have been appearing on stage with Jeff Dunham. Instead I’m stuck here with you clowns.

Let’s see… W-W-W-dot-white-house-dot-com… Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. I’m gonna see boobies. Heh heh heh. Hey! There’s no boobies here! Your husband lied to me!

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Never mind.

Damn fly-boy.

Sir, I’m Director for Counterterrorism. We’re making a raid on our most-wanted terrorist. Why am I stuck in the back?

Missy, we already got one chick sittin’ at the big table. Now go get me some coffee. And be quick about it.

I want one of those cool silver computers with the lit-up apple on it. Trump gets one of those! Why can’t I get one of those?

If you sit quietly and behave, we’ll see about getting you one for Christmas.

Christmas? What’s Christmas? Is that where we hang lanterns? I don’t want to wait that long. I want a silver Apple now!

He’s right. I can’t find Angry Birds on this one.

Damn fly-boy.

When do we get to see the terror guy?

They’ll get to him in just a little bit.

Are you sure this is live TV? It’s all dark and stuff. I was just outside and I saw the sun. I don’t think this is live TV. Is this TiVo or something?

It’s later over there. Remember what I told you about the sun and the earth? That’s why it’s already dark over there. But they’ll get to him in just a little bit.

Don’t shoot him in the head and drop the body in a park. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Well, then shoot him in the head and drop him in the ocean. Fish gotta eat, too. Speaking of which, when’s the pizza getting here? I’ve been here all day and haven’t eaten. I tell ya, war is hell.

You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.

Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.

Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.

Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.

Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.

People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.

Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey

I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…

But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!

The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”

“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”

“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”

And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.

The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.

She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.

She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?

Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.

She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!