I M Verizon

Based on a true story

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2012

Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

I’m looking to upgrade my phone.

Let’s see how long it’s been… Oh, you’ve reached the 20-month date for an upgrade. So, you can get the discounted price. Was there a particular phone you were looking at? Another Droid, perhaps?

Actually, I was looking at one of these iPhones.

That’s a good phone. And, it’s only $199 on a two-year contract.

So, the contract will run to 2014? And if I want to upgrade again?

In 20 months.

I’ll take it.

April 12, 2013

"Dear Valued Verizon Wireless Customer:

We at Verizon are changing our renewal terms. We don't care that the terms were 20-months when you signed the contract. We're changing the terms on our side before the contract ends. You still have to honor your end, though. Or we'll, like, take you to court, screw up your credit report, and anything else we can think of.

Please understand, Valued, that we're doing this to serve you better. Or something."

Columbus, Georgia
September 13, 2013

Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

I’m looking to upgrade my phone. I want to pre-order one of the new ones, the iPhone 5c.

Certainly. That’ll be $549. Plus tax.

What about the 20-month upgrade?

Didn’t you get our letter earlier this year? We changed the terms.

So, you mean, I signed the contract when your policy was to upgrade at 20 months, which was earlier this month? And you decided to change your side of the contract, but hold me to mine?

Yes, sir. That’s what the email said.

Tell you what. Keep your damn phone.

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2014

Welcome to AT&T. How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Send to Kindle

Trusted Friend

[Marimba ringtone plays]


Hey. It’s me.

Who is this?

Me. Or you. From your past.

Um, what do you want?

Yeah, I wanted to call you and tell you it’s a bad idea.
Continue reading ‘Trusted Friend’ »

Send to Kindle

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians II

It’s S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Continue reading ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians II’ »

Send to Kindle


Hi, everyone. I want you to meet our nominee, Governor Mitt Romney!

Thank you! I’m proud that I’m going to be your nominee.

You’re no different than Obama!! Vote RONPAUL!!1!!!
Continue reading ‘RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!’ »

Send to Kindle


On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I’m fighting for my soul, God get at your boy
You try to bogart — fall back, I go hard
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I see them long hard times to come…

Raylan, I need you to pack your bags. You’re going to Detroit.

Continue reading ‘Justified’ »

Send to Kindle


Abner! Abner! They’re doing it again!

Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?

Those strange people in that house across the street.

I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!
Continue reading ‘Bewitched’ »

Send to Kindle

The Road Runner Show

Whatcha watchin’?


Why aren’t you watching the news?

This is more real.

I like the news.

Continue reading ‘The Road Runner Show’ »

Send to Kindle

Waitin’ on Frank, featuring Karl Childers

I’m waitin’ on Frank.

Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.

I like th’ way he writes.

Send to Kindle

Messin’ wit’ french fried potaters

Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.

Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.

I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.

It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.

Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ’em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.

Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

Send to Kindle

Economic advice

What can we do for you, Mr. President?

Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.

You need to give a speech!

Speech! Give a speech!

Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

Continue reading ‘Economic advice’ »

Send to Kindle

Which One’s Crazier?

The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Guy Smiley
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One's Crazier
Which One’s Crazier?

Guy Smiley
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

Frank J
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Guy Smiley
Frank, what do you do for a living?

Frank J
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Guy Smiley
Our next contestant…

All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Guy Smiley
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

Guy Smiley
And, finally…

Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Guy Smiley
Where do you work, Basil?

You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Guy Smiley
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
Continue reading ‘Which One’s Crazier?’ »

Send to Kindle

Replacing Ed Schultz

Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.

Danke, mein Herr!

Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?

Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
Continue reading ‘Replacing Ed Schultz’ »

Send to Kindle

The Situation Room

We now join “The Situation Room,” already in progress.

This thing get XBox?

Let the adults talk. We’ll get to you in a minute.

Why don’t I get to sit at the table? You always make me sit over here in the corner.

Shouldn’t you be out playing golf?

I was. But I heard somebody say I was going to be on the big TV screen. But he pronounced my name wrong. Again. I think he did it on purpose. Make him stop.

Judas Priest! I could have been appearing on stage with Jeff Dunham. Instead I’m stuck here with you clowns.

Let’s see… W-W-W-dot-white-house-dot-com… Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. I’m gonna see boobies. Heh heh heh. Hey! There’s no boobies here! Your husband lied to me!

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Never mind.

Damn fly-boy.

Sir, I’m Director for Counterterrorism. We’re making a raid on our most-wanted terrorist. Why am I stuck in the back?

Missy, we already got one chick sittin’ at the big table. Now go get me some coffee. And be quick about it.

I want one of those cool silver computers with the lit-up apple on it. Trump gets one of those! Why can’t I get one of those?

If you sit quietly and behave, we’ll see about getting you one for Christmas.

Christmas? What’s Christmas? Is that where we hang lanterns? I don’t want to wait that long. I want a silver Apple now!

He’s right. I can’t find Angry Birds on this one.

Damn fly-boy.

When do we get to see the terror guy?

They’ll get to him in just a little bit.

Are you sure this is live TV? It’s all dark and stuff. I was just outside and I saw the sun. I don’t think this is live TV. Is this TiVo or something?

It’s later over there. Remember what I told you about the sun and the earth? That’s why it’s already dark over there. But they’ll get to him in just a little bit.

Don’t shoot him in the head and drop the body in a park. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Well, then shoot him in the head and drop him in the ocean. Fish gotta eat, too. Speaking of which, when’s the pizza getting here? I’ve been here all day and haven’t eaten. I tell ya, war is hell.

Send to Kindle

The $25,000 Pyramid

You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.

Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.

High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.

Beating up reporters.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.

Beating up reporters.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.

Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.

People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.

Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey

I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

Send to Kindle

The obligatory “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” parody

Every You
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…

But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
Did NOT!

The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”

“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”

“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”

And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.

The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.

She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.

She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?

Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.

She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!

Send to Kindle