Promises


You wanted to see me?


Sit down!


Is something wrong?


“Is something wrong?” Yes something’s wrong. I’m running against Donald Trump — DONALD F#@%$#% TRUMP — and the polls are tightening and it looks like I might not win this thing! Doesn’t that sound like something’s wrong to you?!


I’m not sure why you’re angry with me about this…


You’re not sure why I’m angry with you? Listen, moron. You told me you had a sure-fire way of guaranteeing my coronation, election, and if the trend keeps up, instead of celebrating a victory, I’ll be at Epstein’s place trying to forget this whole fiasco. And I’ll make sure you’re there, too, but not as a guest. You get me?


Yes, ma’am.


What?!?


Yes, Your Highness.


That’s better. Now you get that piece of $#@% on the phone and get this fixed. And you tell that #$%@&%-$#%&@% that I’ll Vince Foster him so fast he won’t know what hit him.


Hello, Nick?


John! Lovely to hear from you again.


Look, Z, we got a problem.


There are no problems, only opportunities.


Hillary’s pissed.


Not at me. I’ve done my part.


She’s not running away with this thing. It’s close. She might lose.


Well, now, with everything I’ve done, if she’s not winning, it’s her own fault.


Look, Z, I need you to step up.


You can count on it. Don’t worry. I got this.


I’ll tell her. And I appreciate that. See you at dinner?


Sounds lovely. Bye bye, now.


It’s under control.


It damn sure better be.

… Meanwhile …


Hello? Yes, I wanted to renew my offer. I can guarantee you …


Save it. I don’t need your help.

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I M Verizon

VW-IAmWeasel
Based on a true story

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2012

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone.

IMWeasel2
Let’s see how long it’s been… Oh, you’ve reached the 20-month date for an upgrade. So, you can get the discounted price. Was there a particular phone you were looking at? Another Droid, perhaps?

Basil
Actually, I was looking at one of these iPhones.

VW-IMWeasel3
That’s a good phone. And, it’s only $199 on a two-year contract.

Basil
So, the contract will run to 2014? And if I want to upgrade again?

VW-IMWeasel3
In 20 months.

Basil
I’ll take it.

April 12, 2013

IBRedGuy
"Dear Valued Verizon Wireless Customer:

We at Verizon are changing our renewal terms. We don't care that the terms were 20-months when you signed the contract. We're changing the terms on our side before the contract ends. You still have to honor your end, though. Or we'll, like, take you to court, screw up your credit report, and anything else we can think of.

Please understand, Valued, that we're doing this to serve you better. Or something."

Columbus, Georgia
September 13, 2013

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone. I want to pre-order one of the new ones, the iPhone 5c.

VW-IMWeasel3
Certainly. That’ll be $549. Plus tax.

Basil
What about the 20-month upgrade?

IMWeasel2
Didn’t you get our letter earlier this year? We changed the terms.

Basil
So, you mean, I signed the contract when your policy was to upgrade at 20 months, which was earlier this month? And you decided to change your side of the contract, but hold me to mine?

IMWeasel2
Yes, sir. That’s what the email said.

Basil
Tell you what. Keep your damn phone.

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2014

ATT-IAmWeasel
Welcome to AT&T. How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

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Trusted Friend

Basil1960PhoneCall
[Marimba ringtone plays]

BasilButterfly
Hello?

basil75
Hey. It’s me.

BasilButterfly
Who is this?

basil75
Me. Or you. From your past.

BasilButterfly
Um, what do you want?

basil75
Yeah, I wanted to call you and tell you it’s a bad idea.
Continue reading ‘Trusted Friend’ »

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians II


It’s S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Continue reading ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians II’ »

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RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!

GOP
Hi, everyone. I want you to meet our nominee, Governor Mitt Romney!

Mitt
Thank you! I’m proud that I’m going to be your nominee.

RONPAUL!!1!!
You’re no different than Obama!! Vote RONPAUL!!1!!!
Continue reading ‘RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!’ »

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Justified


On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I’m fighting for my soul, God get at your boy
You try to bogart — fall back, I go hard
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I see them long hard times to come…


Raylan, I need you to pack your bags. You’re going to Detroit.

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Bewitched


Abner! Abner! They’re doing it again!


Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?


Those strange people in that house across the street.


I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!
Continue reading ‘Bewitched’ »

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The Road Runner Show


Whatcha watchin’?


Cartoons.


Why aren’t you watching the news?


This is more real.


I like the news.



Continue reading ‘The Road Runner Show’ »

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Waitin’ on Frank, featuring Karl Childers



I’m waitin’ on Frank.



Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.





I like th’ way he writes.

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Messin’ wit’ french fried potaters


Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.


Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.


I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.


It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.


Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ’em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.


Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

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Economic advice


What can we do for you, Mr. President?


Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.


You need to give a speech!


Speech! Give a speech!


Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

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Which One’s Crazier?

Hulu
The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by IMAO Shirts. When you want IMAO-wear to cover your upper torso, choose IMAO Shirts.

Guy Smiley
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…

Which One's Crazier
Which One’s Crazier?

Guy Smiley
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…

Frank J
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.

Guy Smiley
Frank, what do you do for a living?

Frank J
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!

Guy Smiley
Our next contestant…

Harvey
All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.

Guy Smiley
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?

Harvey
You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.

Guy Smiley
And, finally…

Basil
Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.

Guy Smiley
Where do you work, Basil?

Basil
You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.

Guy Smiley
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
Continue reading ‘Which One’s Crazier?’ »

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Replacing Ed Schultz


Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.


Danke, mein Herr!


Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?


Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he’s currently only on suspension … but everybody knows that an opening could occur.
Continue reading ‘Replacing Ed Schultz’ »

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The Situation Room


We now join “The Situation Room,” already in progress.


This thing get XBox?


Let the adults talk. We’ll get to you in a minute.


Why don’t I get to sit at the table? You always make me sit over here in the corner.


Shouldn’t you be out playing golf?


I was. But I heard somebody say I was going to be on the big TV screen. But he pronounced my name wrong. Again. I think he did it on purpose. Make him stop.


Judas Priest! I could have been appearing on stage with Jeff Dunham. Instead I’m stuck here with you clowns.


Let’s see… W-W-W-dot-white-house-dot-com… Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. I’m gonna see boobies. Heh heh heh. Hey! There’s no boobies here! Your husband lied to me!


What are you talking about?


Nothing. Never mind.


Damn fly-boy.


Sir, I’m Director for Counterterrorism. We’re making a raid on our most-wanted terrorist. Why am I stuck in the back?


Missy, we already got one chick sittin’ at the big table. Now go get me some coffee. And be quick about it.


I want one of those cool silver computers with the lit-up apple on it. Trump gets one of those! Why can’t I get one of those?


If you sit quietly and behave, we’ll see about getting you one for Christmas.


Christmas? What’s Christmas? Is that where we hang lanterns? I don’t want to wait that long. I want a silver Apple now!


He’s right. I can’t find Angry Birds on this one.


Damn fly-boy.


When do we get to see the terror guy?


They’ll get to him in just a little bit.


Are you sure this is live TV? It’s all dark and stuff. I was just outside and I saw the sun. I don’t think this is live TV. Is this TiVo or something?


It’s later over there. Remember what I told you about the sun and the earth? That’s why it’s already dark over there. But they’ll get to him in just a little bit.


Don’t shoot him in the head and drop the body in a park. You’ll never hear the end of it.


Well, then shoot him in the head and drop him in the ocean. Fish gotta eat, too. Speaking of which, when’s the pizza getting here? I’ve been here all day and haven’t eaten. I tell ya, war is hell.

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The $25,000 Pyramid


You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.


Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Egyptians protest.


High unemployment.
Rising prices.
Unpopular government policies.

Things Americans protest.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

How Egyptians are protesting.


Beating up reporters.
Looting.
Burning buildings.
Killing other people.

Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.


Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.

Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.


People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.

Things Obama said about American protests.


Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey


I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.

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