It’s S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Posts Tagged ‘Storyboards’
Hi, everyone. I want you to meet our nominee, Governor Mitt Romney!
Thank you! I’m proud that I’m going to be your nominee.
You’re no different than Obama!! Vote RONPAUL!!1!!!
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I’m fighting for my soul, God get at your boy
You try to bogart — fall back, I go hard
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I see them long hard times to come…
Raylan, I need you to pack your bags. You’re going to Detroit.
Abner! Abner! They’re doing it again!
Who’s doing it, Gladys? What are they doing?
Those strange people in that house across the street.
I tell you, Abner, there’s something not right about them!
Why aren’t you watching the news?
This is more real.
I like the news.
I’m waitin’ on Frank.
Saw on th’ Internet where he wuz back from Boston. Some calls it the Facebook, I calls it the Intenet.
I like th’ way he writes.
Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.
Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.
I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.
It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.
Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ‘em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.
Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.
What can we do for you, Mr. President?
Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.
You need to give a speech!
Speech! Give a speech!
Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.
Hi! I’m Guy Smiley, and welcome to America’s favorite game show…
Which One’s Crazier?
Let’s welcome today’s contestants…
He’s from Boise, Idaho, and enjoys poking fun at liberals and eating nachos. Welcome Frank J.
Frank, what do you do for a living?
I punch hippies in their stupid monkey faces. You look like a hippie. Come here, and I’ll punch you!
Our next contestant…
All the way from Wisconsin, he likes to play with money. Welcome Harvey.
Harvey, where in Wisconsin can we find you?
You can find me in your nightmares, Guy.
Our third contestant likes sleeping late and eating. From Columbus, Georgia, welcome Basil.
Where do you work, Basil?
You call what I do work? You’re an idiot and need to be beat with a stick. C’mere. Let me get ‘hold to ya.
Okay, then. Great. Let’s get started playing Which One’s Crazier?
We now join “The Situation Room,” already in progress.
This thing get XBox?
Let the adults talk. We’ll get to you in a minute.
Why don’t I get to sit at the table? You always make me sit over here in the corner.
Shouldn’t you be out playing golf?
I was. But I heard somebody say I was going to be on the big TV screen. But he pronounced my name wrong. Again. I think he did it on purpose. Make him stop.
Judas Priest! I could have been appearing on stage with Jeff Dunham. Instead I’m stuck here with you clowns.
Let’s see… W-W-W-dot-white-house-dot-com… Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. I’m gonna see boobies. Heh heh heh. Hey! There’s no boobies here! Your husband lied to me!
What are you talking about?
Nothing. Never mind.
Sir, I’m Director for Counterterrorism. We’re making a raid on our most-wanted terrorist. Why am I stuck in the back?
Missy, we already got one chick sittin’ at the big table. Now go get me some coffee. And be quick about it.
I want one of those cool silver computers with the lit-up apple on it. Trump gets one of those! Why can’t I get one of those?
If you sit quietly and behave, we’ll see about getting you one for Christmas.
Christmas? What’s Christmas? Is that where we hang lanterns? I don’t want to wait that long. I want a silver Apple now!
He’s right. I can’t find Angry Birds on this one.
When do we get to see the terror guy?
They’ll get to him in just a little bit.
Are you sure this is live TV? It’s all dark and stuff. I was just outside and I saw the sun. I don’t think this is live TV. Is this TiVo or something?
It’s later over there. Remember what I told you about the sun and the earth? That’s why it’s already dark over there. But they’ll get to him in just a little bit.
Don’t shoot him in the head and drop the body in a park. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Well, then shoot him in the head and drop him in the ocean. Fish gotta eat, too. Speaking of which, when’s the pizza getting here? I’ve been here all day and haven’t eaten. I tell ya, war is hell.
You all know how the game is played. Nipsey Russell will give a list of items that fit the topic. Get them all in 60 seconds and you’ll walk away with $25,000.
Ready? Here’s your first subject. Go!
Unpopular government policies.
Things Egyptians protest.
Unpopular government policies.
Things Americans protest.
Beating up reporters.
Killing other people.
How Egyptians are protesting.
Beating up reporters.
Killing other people.
Things Americans didn’t do when they protested.
Waiting for the next election isn’t soon enough.
The president must listen to the people and leave office now.
Things Obama said about Egyptian protests.
People don’t understand what we’re doing.
We didn’t get our message out.
Things Obama said about American protests.
Twenty. Five. Thousand. Dollars. Congratulations. And good job, Nipsey
I hope we all learned something today. Then we all can be winners. I’m Dick Clark. So long, everybody.
Down in You-ville
Liked Tax-Cuts a lot…
But the Wench,
Who was far left of You-ville,
The Wench hated Tax-Cuts! There would be no pleasin’
The Yous. Don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.
It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that her face was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
Her face or her heart,
She stood with her gavel and said with a start,
“The Yous have their money; they earned it, it’s true,
But I shan’t let any money be controlled by a You!”
“The government knows what is best,” said the Wench,
Ignoring all government programs’ bad stench.
“It’s been nearly ten years since that evil George Bush
Sent Tax-Cuts through Congress with a great big push.”
“They’re set to expire,” the Wench said with delight.
“But the Keynesian gave up with barely a fight.”
And she frowned. The Wench frowned. Yes she frowned. Frowned. Frowned. Frowned.
She frowned and she stomped all around on the ground.
The GOP had won a battle it seemed.
An agreement had been reached with the White House that deemed
That the Tax-Cuts would stay for another two years.
The thought of that brought the Wench so close to tears.
She snarled and she fumed and she said “This won’t stand.
The Yous’ money is mine.” And she needed a plan.
She’s plotting and planning and scheming right now.
She wants to kill all the Tax-Cuts. But how?
Unlike the Grinch of the Seuss tale years ago,
The Wench’s cold heart still refuses to grow.
She wants to kill Tax-Cuts and pillage your wallet.
Remember in 2012 at the ballot!
Hello, I’m Dwayne Brown, NASA’s token black guy. And I’m here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they’ve discovered life on Earth.
Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.
Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?
Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?
Thanks for joining us for our interview today. First, some background…
Recently, Rush Limbaugh commented on how many of the recent images of the president have a “demonic” look.
There are some pictures on the Drudge Report. I’m gonna hold them up here to the Dittocam. I’ve got too many things to do here, but, folks, these pictures, they look demonic. And I don’t say this lightly. There are a couple pictures, and the eyes, I’m not saying anything here, but just look. It is strange that these pictures would be released. *
Is Rush right? Do these recent pictures of Obama have a demonic look? We thought we’d ask some experts on demons what they thinks. So, Satan, what about these pictures?
I’m Phil, not Satan.
He was talking to me.
He was looking at me.
He called me by name.
I tell you what, we’ll go alphabetically. Why don’t you answer first, um, Phil?
What was the question?
Do the new pictures of Obama have a demonic appearance?
I don’t know.
Um, okay then. What about you, Satan?
Do the new pictures of the president have a demonic appearance?
Wait. That is your president?
Yes, that’s Barack Obama…
Heh. I bet some of you right wingerz thought that Satan did that, didn’t you?
I beg your pardon?
Well, he didn’t. It was me!
Seriously? That’s your president? And you? Phil? You did that? That’s the worst you could do? Why didn’t you simply put Jimmy Carter back in office?
Obama is sending the country to Heck in a handbasket…
So, Rush is right? Those pictures are demonic?
If you’re asking if he’s a demon, then no. My big brother has all the demons working for him.
Who works for you, then?
Democrats. In their natural state … here in Heck … they are demonic rats. We shorten that to “Democrats” when we have them appear on Earth.
You see what I have to put up with? He’s an embarrassment to the family. He makes my life a living … heck.
So, Satan, you’re saying Obama isn’t demonic?
I’m saying he’s not one of mine. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be…
You do that all the time! Every time I have some success, you try to horn in on it!
So, Obama isn’t demonic? He’s simply misguided, naive, unqualified, and out of his depth?
But, does he?
Silly human. It doesn’t matter if he knows what he’s doing or not. It’s what he’s doing that matters. And, for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my little brother.
Tonight … on “Mythbusters” … we’ll look at myths about today’s Republican Party.
Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will look at what’s right … and what’s not right … about the party of the right.
With recent election results … and even more recent primary results … there has been a lot of discussion about what actions the Republicans should take.
The conventional wisdom …
Is that the Republican National Convention?
Ha ha. Very funny. The conventional wisdom is that if the Republican Party swings hard to the right, they’ll alienate most Americans and ensure that Democrats will retain power.
We’re going to build a Republican Party that’s a Big Tent Republican Party. Then we’ll test how well it works.
We’ll start with the base. There’s the gun owners. You know, the Second Amendment crowd.
Over here, we have some who are proud of their country. Typical conservatives.
Okay, that’s a start. This sounds a lot like the TEA Party or the Sarah Palin crowd. But aren’t we going to include more than just stereotypical conservatives?
How about some independents, like those that helped elect Obama? You can’t win without them.
Let’s throw in some Charles Johnson types. That’ll keep the religious right in check.
We can’t leave out the Ron Paul group. Ron Paul! Ron Paul!!! Ron Paul!!1!!!11!!
There are the old guard. The establishment. They used to be called “Rockefeller Republicans.” And they crap themselves every time a candidate supported by the TEA Party is successful.
Those scared of Sarah Palin? Got them covered, too. Can’t let her take charge of things, can we?
What about those moderates that try to balance conservative principals with cooperating with liberals? Everyone knows that compromise is the way to go. As long as by “compromise with” we mean “give in to” liberals.
What do you think? Do we have enough of a big tent crowd? We have those scared of Palin and the TEA Party, moderates, Ron Paul supporters, Obama voters, the Charles Johnson crowd…
Let’s try this group out and see how it does. Tory? Go run an election with this crowd?
Tory’s election day performance with a Republican Party that compromised true conservative beliefs and included nutcases from all over the spectrum … didn’t go so well.
Well, there’s your problem!
This Republican Party we put together doesn’t stand true to conservative principals. Instead, it’s a large group of a bunch of small groups.
Since they don’t share the same principals, they are always fighting each other.
This Republican Party looks like Democrats Lite. That’s why the GOP lost the White House in 2008. Sure, the Republican candidate had some good qualities, is a war hero, and is an honorable man and a fine American. But he isn’t true to the conservative principals of Goldwater or Reagan. And he got his clock cleaned.
Jamie and I have been exposed to this Big Tent Republican Party for too long. We need to scrub ourselves clean.
While Adam and Jamie remove the stench of moderates, we’ll leave you with this reminder: conservatives will be attacked by Democrats, and by some Republicans. And, you won’t win every battle. But, you’ll come out stronger for it.
I don’t understand it, Commissioner. Four super villans who spent the last five years in solitary confinement have escaped, and we have no idea what their plan is?
That is what is so confounding about this, Batman. One day, they were all safely locked away. The next, poof! They’re gone and we don’t know why!
With all four on the loose, the whole world is in danger.
That’s what worries me, Chum: the unknown. Rarely does the unknown turn out well.
Meanwhile, at the villans’ secret underground headquarters…
We just received a communique from Star Fleet.
Um, you’re not going to believe this, Commander, but…
Let me tell him, Nerys.
Somebody tell me already!
Star Fleet just sent word of a mission change.
Well, this war with the Dominion is a rough fight. We’re going to have to make changes from time to time…
Sir, this change is … unsettling.
Nothing like that at all, Benjamin.
So, what is it, Old Man?
The Federation president has changed to the primary mission of Star Fleet to …
Our primary mission …
Sir, our primary mission is now … outreach to the Jem’Hadar.
Outreach to the Jem’Hadar, Benjamin.
Outreach to the Jem’Hadar? The very ones who have attacked us, killed us, fought for our destruction? That Jem’Hadar?
The Federation president says it will improve relationships by focusing on Jem’Hadar outreach instead of Star Fleet’s traditional role of exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizatons…
I’m familiar with our mission, Major.
Our former mission, Commander.
No, this isn’t right. There’s no way that the Federation president would issue such an order. The United Federation of Planets would never allow such stupidity from its president.
It’s true, Benjamin. We’ve confirmed it.
Well, we’ll begin making initial preparations for this, but I can’t believe it’ll stand. We’ll keep current mission plans in reserve, ready to revert to them when the Federation comes to its senses.
Why would the president do such an asinine thing?
Good evening. As we speak, our nation faces a multitude of challenges. At home, our top priority is to recover and rebuild from a recession that has touched the lives of nearly every American. Abroad, our brave men and women in uniform are taking the fight to al Qaeda wherever it exists. And tonight, I’ve returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast to speak with you about the battle we’re waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.
This oil spill is particularly troublesome to me, because I intend to lead the assault on America. I will not tolerate any actions by any company or any nation assaulting American citizens. That’s what I do.
After the spill began, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation’s Secretary of Energy. And you know how smart and wonderful Nobel Prize winners are. Like Jimmy Carter. Yasser Arafat. Al Gore. Mikhail Gorbachev. Me. Really really smart people. Smartily smart. So, this Chu must be awesomely smart, even though his Nobel Prize was for physics, which is sort of like math or something. Anyway, scientists at our national labs and experts from academia and other oil companies have also provided ideas and advice.
Now, it’ll take a while for this group to come up with a plan, particularly since none of them know anything about oil wells a mile deep under water. So, to give them the time I need, I’ve drafted a letter to the oil spill itself, asking it to stop leaking long enough for our committee to come up with a plan. At least, a plan that doesn’t involve forming more committees. Although that does sound like a good plan in and of itself.
We have yet to hear a response from the oil leak regarding our request for a meeting to discuss its temporary halt of the spill. But, I stand firm in my belief that open and honest discussions are the way to solve all the problems of the world, and this oil spill is not an exception.
But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we’ve got for as long as it takes. We will make BP pay for the damage their company has caused. Even though they won’t really pay; fuel prices will go up, and you’ll pay. But I’ll get credit for making BP pay, and that’s what’s really important.
But you know what else is important? Regulation. We’ve regulated drilling on land and in shallow water so much that deep-water drilling actually seemed like a good idea to the oil companies. So now, we’re going to regulate the hell out of that, too.
Last year, the House of Representatives acted on these principles by passing a strong and comprehensive energy and climate bill — a bill that finally makes clean energy the profitable kind of energy for America’s businesses. If it exists.
Now, there are costs associated with this transition. And there are some who believe that we can’t afford those costs right now. I say we can’t not afford it.
You know what we need? More taxes. If we can raise your taxes enough, you won’t have any money to spend on gas for your cars or heating oil in the winter. That will reduce demand, which will decrease our dependence on foreign oil. Then I won’t have to jet around the world bowing to all those Arabs.
And you thought I didn’t have a plan.
So, to summarize, we’re going to take a sh*t-load of money from BP, causing your fuel prices to go up. Then we’re going to let a bunch of egg-heads sit around and debate while oil continues to leak. Then, we’re going to implement more regulation that will stop any other drilling, causing the loss of many more jobs. And, finally, we’re going to tax the hell out of you.
The oil spill is not the last crisis America will face. After all, my term doesn’t end until 2013. But, with God’s help, we’ll get through this trying time.