Should’ve built a B-Ark

Just in case you hadn’t heard, the world is ending tomorrow.

No, really. I read it on the Internet somewhere, so it’s true. And, so have a lot of other people, it seems.

NASA is getting a bunch of calls from people who want to know about the world ending. It’s taking up so much of NASA’s time that they can’t go about their primary mission of Muslim outreach. Well, that, and not being able to send people into space anymore.

NASA has even made a movie to help stop the calls. It’s titled “Why the world didn’t end yesterday” and is supposed to be shown on Saturday. Which really doesn’t stop the calls leading up to Friday. Maybe that backwards line of thinking is why they can’t go into space. Of course, it should help with Muslim outreach. At least, with Muslims in other countries. The ones in this country kinda shake their head at other countries, too.

Anyway, NASA is answering the phone and telling people that it’s all okay and the world won’t end. I think that’s a mistake. They should tell them that the world is going to end.

Caller: “Hello, NASA? I saw that the world will end Friday. Is that right?”

NASA: “Yes, ma’am, that’s correct. We’re doomed. That’s why we’re not sending people into space anymore. There’s no reason. We’re just sitting back, waiting for the world to end. Have a nice day.”


Caller: “Hey, what’s the truth about the Mayan apocalypse?

NASA: “Yes, sir. The planets are all going to line up with the stars and that will cause the earth to capsize just like Guam did. A lot of people will fall off. The lucky ones will land on Mars or the moon, but most of us will just fall away into space. Thank you for calling.”

See what fun that could be? All the stupid people will panic and, oh, I don’t know, do something stupid, but if we all just kinda let them, we’ll weed out all the idiots, and the rest of us will be able to make a go of things.

If only the Mayans had predicted this would happen before the November election.

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Warning: Warning labels are stupid

We need to quit put warning labels on things.

I wasn’t sure about this for a while, but I’m totally convinced now.

Instructions are fine. I believe in instructions. When people ask me stupid questions about using something or following a process, I usually ask them what the instructions said. The blank stare tells me they didn’t read the instructions.

Instructions are good things. I like them. But, if you can do things without instructions, that’s fine. Some people can. For some things, I can. Depends on the thing.

But instructions aren’t warning labels. There’s a difference.

Warning labels are for stupid people.

The classic example is the lawsuit against McDonald’s where the lady spilled coffee in her lap. She sued McDonald’s because when she ordered hot coffee, she was given hot coffee. That was hot.

So, now when you buy McDonald’s hot coffee, the cup says “Caution: HOT!” That’ll keep it from burning.

And that ties in to my point (you didn’t know I had one, did you?): Warning labels are stupid.

If you aren’t smart enough to figure out that peanuts contain nuts (yes, that’s a real warning), then you deserve whatever happens to you.

You see, stupid should hurt. That’s how you learn things. Or, if you don’t learn things, you at least keep the rest of entertained watching you get hurt.

If you don’t know that you’re not supposed to eat Mr Bubbles, you ought to get sick if you do. And it’d be your own fault.

If you put your fingers in the blades of a running fan, it should hurt. Stupid should hurt.

And, if you do something really stupid, and it kills you, well, that’s a shame. A darn shame. And I’d feel bad for you. Until I got hungry. Then I’d go eat and forget about you and the stupid thing you did.

You see, one thing warning labels do is help keep stupid people from getting hurt. Or from dying.

Warning labels mean more stupid people. Here’s how:

Stupid man reads a warning label and doesn’t stick a screwdriver in a light socket, and lives.

Stupid woman reads a warning label and doesn’t user her toaster in the bath, so she lives.

Stupid man and stupid woman, having so much in common, meet, fall in love, and have stupid kids. For some reason, stupid people figure out the having kids things.

Stupid kids grow up, and the cycle continues.

This is already happening.

We’ve had warning labels on things long enough that we’re a generation or two into the overcrowding of America by stupid people. You want proof? Here you go: they elected Barack Obama.

We need to find a way to get rid of all the warning labels. That way, we’ll start reducing the number of stupid people, either by attrition or by them learning, by experience, to not do stupid stuff.

Unless we get rid of warning labels, we’ll just have more and more stupid people around, and things will only get worse.

You have been warned.

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